The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode Summary: “I’ve Been in a Secret Work Affair for 9 Years”
Date: October 29, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony, Ramsey Network

Overview – Main Theme

This episode features Dr. John Delony taking live calls from listeners on deep and challenging relationship issues, with a focus on real talk about tough mental health and family situations. The first and most significant segment involves a man revealing a nearly decade-long secret workplace affair, grappling with guilt, responsibility, and the future of his marriage and job. Subsequent segments include callers wrestling with parenting disagreements and balancing personal mental health with financial stability.

Segment 1: Allan’s 9-Year Workplace Affair

[00:21–17:22]

Key Discussion Points

• Revelation of the Affair:
  Allan, married over 20 years, confesses to an eight-year affair with a subordinate at work, which began with emotional attraction and evolved into a sexual relationship ("I've been married for more than 20 years, but got involved at work with somebody. I'm kind of her supervisor." – Allan, [00:21]).
• Disassociation & Rationalization:
  Allan struggles to acknowledge the reality and weight of his actions, initially narrating the affair as if it were more recent and underplaying its gravity.
  • “You’re talking about this like it just happened...Like you’re in a work trip and you had too many drinks and it happened. Help me with this.” – Dr. John [03:28]
• Marital Breakdown:
  Allan cites long-standing marital unhappiness, lack of respect, and prioritization of kids over him as background for emotional drift (“The feelings were lack of respect and arguing... And we were not on the same page.” – Allan [05:30]).
• Accountability and Agency:
  • Dr. John repeatedly emphasizes personal responsibility, refusing to let Allan blame his wife for his choices (“You have agency. You've always had agency.” – Dr. John [07:46]).
  • Challenges Allan’s detachment from the damage caused: “You’ve burned your house down, and you’re trying to tell me, like, I want to keep the upstairs...” – Dr. John [09:08]
• Facing Consequences:
  Dr. John is blunt about the inevitable fallout—potential divorce, professional repercussions, and personal integrity. The options are to end the affair and come clean, knowing pain will ensue regardless.
  • “The only thing you can do now is the next right thing, which is to, for the first time in a long time, be a person of 100% integrity.” – Dr. John [10:43]
• Integrity and Next Steps:
  Strong advice is given to Allan: Immediately end the affair, leave the workplace if necessary, have an honest conversation with his wife, and accept that he can’t manage the pain or control the outcome.
  • “It feels to me like the right thing to do is not for you to go fire somebody, but for you to leave and you to say, I'm starting over because I've burned this whole thing to the ground.” – Dr. John [14:45]
• On Hope and Exhaustion:
  Dr. John asks Allan about his exhaustion and the emotional toll of concealment. Allan admits to being “overwhelmed,” recognizing the fantasy he’s been living is unsustainable.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• "Aren’t you tired?" – Dr. John [11:47]
• "The marriage you have is over. The best shot you have…is to exhale and put everything on the table, and maybe your wife will choose to rebuild something new with you. But your marriage hasn't been what you project to the world for 10 years." – Dr. John [12:36]
• “Trying to get in her head and decide why she’s doing what she’s doing is a waste of your time and energy.” – Dr. John [14:36]

Segment 2: Parenting & Spousal Disagreement

Caller: Chase | [20:59–30:55]

Key Discussion Points

• Parenting Styles Clash:
  Chase and his wife (parents to three young boys) disagree on discipline. He was raised “with a heavy hand,” his wife with less punishment; now, their children test boundaries.
• Stress, Isolation, & Support:
  Dr. John identifies Chase’s wife as possibly overwhelmed, isolated, and suffering from unsustainable stress, potentially sparking unhealthy discipline and emotional strain.
  • “Your wife has to have a circle of women in her life…The picture you’re painting…is an exhausted, fried, stuck at home woman…” – Dr. John [25:22]
• Protecting Children & Supporting Spouse:
  The need to set clear boundaries: protect kids from unhealthy treatment while supporting and loving an overwhelmed spouse.
• Actionable Advice:
  • “How can I love you today?” as both a daily question and actionable starting point.
  • Encourage Chase to arrange outside support, counseling, and even consider online therapy as a couple.
  • Emphasis on collaborative change for both parents, not simply imposing solutions.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “I appreciate you seeing your wife struggling and wanting to love her best you can. And at the same time, I appreciate you being a dad who wants to protect his kids…All of that is noble.” – Dr. John [24:50]
• “You get the babysitter. You make the counseling appointment. You’re going to tell her, I love you and I want to be a better husband. I want to be a better dad. I need some support. And we’re going to protect these kids.” – Dr. John [33:11]

Segment 3: Financial Stress vs. Mental Health

Caller: Charity | [35:38–53:50]

Key Discussion Points

• Mental Health Crisis & Family Dynamics:
  Charity, a trauma nurse and family breadwinner, is overwhelmed by job stress, mounting debt, and her daughter’s recent self-harm, leading to a critical turning point for the family.
• Breadwinner Pressure & Financial Breakdown:
  Despite a solid household income (~$8,200/month), the family is falling behind on bills, mortgage, and taxes, leading to feelings of failure and hopelessness.
  • “I have made more money now than I ever have…And we are broker than I ever was with a newborn on food stamps with one job.” – Charity [47:18]
• Budget & Boundaries:
  Dr. John insists that hope and clarity begin with strict budgeting: “What a budget does is it establishes the rules of the game so that then within those rules, you could do whatever you want.” [50:48]
• Binary Thinking & Integrated Healing:
  Rejecting the “mental health vs. financial stability” binary, Dr. John advises seeing both as woven together: improving finances and pursuing trauma-informed therapy simultaneously.
  • “That stuff’s too braided together. It’s woven together.” – Dr. John [53:12]
• Action Plan:
  • Seek a trauma-informed therapist.
  • Use budgeting tools (offers Every Dollar Premium app and Financial Peace University).
  • Open, honest family discussions about mental health and finances.
  • Affirmation that Charity is not a burden, and her presence is invaluable to her family.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “Your kids will not be better off without their mom in their life. Your patients and those families will not be better off without you. Your husband will not be better off without you.” – Dr. John [49:13]
• “Make a commitment to me...to never binary your choices. Most anxious people I know...try to solve with chaos. And then our children absorb that stuff and they can’t carry the chaos.” – Dr. John [52:30 & 52:45]

Segment 4: Listener Feedback & Closing Reflections

[56:05–57:00]

Key Discussion Points

• Listener CJ recounts using Dr. John’s signature question—“How can I love you today?”—at a wedding, sparking deep conversations among attendees.
• Dr. John expresses gratitude and underscores the long-term positive impact of daily, active love in relationships.

Memorable Moment

• “Keep loving each other. That’s awesome. That’s all I’m gonna say. Love you guys. Bye.” – Dr. John [56:52]

Timestamps – Segment Highlights

• Allan’s Secret Affair: [00:21–17:22]
• Chase on Parenting Discord: [20:59–30:55]
• Charity’s Mental Health vs. Finances Dilemma: [35:38–53:50]
• Listener Email & Reflection: [56:05–57:00]

Episode Flow & Tone

• Direct, Compassionate, and Confrontational:
  Dr. John maintains an intense but caring tone, steering callers toward accountability and actionable changes, refusing to sugarcoat harsh realities.
• Supportive & Encouraging:
  Despite the gravity of each situation, the host provides hope, practical advice, and consistent reminders that every choice toward integrity and healing matters.

Takeaways

• Honesty, even when devastating, is the first step out of chaos.
• Integrity sometimes demands radical change—ending relationships, leaving jobs—to begin again.
• Parenting, marriage, and mental health are deeply interconnected; support systems and honest communication are essential.
• Financial distress and mental health crises are rarely separate; addressing the root of both is key to healing.

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