I’ve Married the Same Man 3 Times (Am I Crazy?)

Summary

Episode Summary: "I’ve Married the Same Man 3 Times (Am I Crazy?)"

The Dr. John Delony Show (Ramsey Network)
Date: December 12, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show revolves around resilience, family, and internal struggle. Dr. Delony takes candid calls from listeners facing deeply personal challenges: rebuilding a marriage after repeated betrayals, grappling with personal insecurities, and processing the grief and transition of watching children leave home. Dr. Delony uses warmth, humor, and vulnerability to provide hope and practical guidance for each story.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Rebuilding a Marriage After Infidelity and Trauma

Caller: Stephanie (starts ~00:05)

Background

• Stephanie and her husband have been together for 22 years, married three separate times to each other due to separation and divorce.
• Relationship marred by miscarriages, emotional abuse, infidelity, PTSD (husband is a war veteran), and the trauma of a child’s health emergency.
• Recently had a fifth child (unexpectedly), and faces ongoing emotional turmoil and resentment.

Dr. Delony's Insights

• Twin Towers Analogy (03:25):
  • “When somebody cheats in a relationship... it's like the Twin Towers when they fell. You couldn't just sweep up all that steel and glass and wood and rebuild those towers using the old materials... You have to excavate the whole thing and rebuild a new marriage.”
• The couple has tried to “rebuild,” but each time, it’s built on emotional rubble.
• True healing requires tearing down the old, having honest conversations, and both partners committing to deep change and vulnerability.
• Both are playing “defense,” protecting each other from their pain, which perpetuates distance.
• Encourages starting anew by explicitly asking, “Are you in to build a new marriage from the ground up?”
• Highlights importance of small, consistent actions ("It happens scoop by scoop," 14:55), not grand gestures.

Notable Moments & Quotes

• (05:09) “Until you do that, until you can honestly have a marriage where you can put your hurts on the table and say the things out loud... any work y’all do on your marriage is like trying to build a new building on top of a collapsed infrastructure.” — Dr. John Delony
• (09:12) “His questions, those are the Gottmans call them bids. That's his bid for connection with you. And for you, that's like slow dancing on top of a collapsed building.”
• (13:14) “But normal is not going to cut it this time. We’ve got to excavate the whole site and build from the floor up.”

Supportive Offers

• Invites the couple as VIPs to a "Money in Marriage" conference (10:31 onward).
• Offers free access to marriage-strengthening apps and his book to guide intentional conversations and habits (14:55).

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2. Coping with Insecurity and Self-Worth

Caller: Sam (starts ~21:12)

Background

• Sam struggles with insecurity at work and among friends, rooted in a history of OCD and intrusive thoughts.
• Compares himself to friends’ professional success, feels like “the dumb one” in his social group, but is afraid to change the dynamic for risk of losing connection.

Dr. Delony's Insights

• Shares his own history with OCD.
• Affirms the separation between intrusive thoughts and one’s true self as a step toward healing (24:01).
• Discusses “impostor syndrome” and how self-judgment colors perception of others’ opinions (27:44).
• Encourages embracing growth and letting go of compulsive need for external affirmation.
• Suggests direct communication with friends, shifting from constant ribbing to open appreciation.

Notable Moments & Quotes

• (23:42) “Once you can separate yourself from that voice, realizing oh, that's not me — that's a voice in my mind. That, to me, is step one of victory.” — Dr. John Delony
• (28:49) “What you go looking for in the world, you are sure to find, as Brene Brown says. And you are desperate to find people to prove to you that you're as lousy as you look in the mirror and think you are.”
• (31:10) “That's just you growing up and being wise... as you get older and you get wiser, you realize bids for connection don't have to be poke first, show up second. It can be: ‘Hey, dude, I love you first.’”

Action Suggestions

• Write a letter to himself post-marriage, outlining who he wants to be.
• Write personal notes to friends, expressing appreciation, even if it’s outside the usual dynamic.

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3. Grieving Children Growing Up & Parental Self-Reflection

Caller: Dave (starts ~37:24)

Background

• Dave, 45, has clawed his way to financial and relational stability after a difficult upbringing.
• Deep grief and regret as his oldest daughter leaves for college; feels like he “missed it” despite being physically present.
• Ruminates on past focus on achievement over presence.

Dr. Delony's Insights

• Normalizes profound grief when children leave home.
  • (43:43) “A part of your heart just moved out.”
• Warns against guilt as a shield from grief; encourages sitting with sadness and honoring the journey.
• Points out that Dave’s ongoing sense of “not enough” comes from childhood wounds and is now projected onto fatherhood accomplishments.
• Suggests writing a letter to his 9-year-old self (from his time of trauma), providing comfort and closure, and, bravely, sharing it with his wife or daughter.

Notable Moments & Quotes

• (45:59) “You did the next right hard thing, which is my marriage is going to be different than the one I saw growing up... You’ve been met with a great curse, which is you crossed a finish line, and the only person who can’t see what you’ve done, is you.”
• (48:32) “How often has your wife said she loves you and is proud of you and your first thought is, ‘Nah, I could lose 10 pounds’...?”
• (51:46) “Freedom for you, my brother, will be letting this little nine-year-old finally go play... You’ve put everyone else ahead of you for all these years. Now I want you to find peace inside your chest.”

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Notable Quotes

• On Rebuilding Trust & Marriage:
  (03:25) “You cannot build a new marriage with the old materials left on the ground after betrayal. You have to excavate and rebuild from the dirt up.” — Dr. John Delony

• On Internal Judgment:
  (27:44) “Whatever you think you’re going to go achieve to get that sense [of worth], you can’t catch it. The problem is I don’t like myself, and I am casting my own judgment on myself into the hearts and minds of my closest buddies.” — Dr. John Delony

• On Letting Go and New Seasons:
  (43:43) “A part of your heart just moved out…” — Dr. John Delony

• On Legacy and Inner Child:
  (51:46) “Freedom for you, my brother, will be letting this little nine-year-old finally go play…” — Dr. John Delony

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• 00:05 — Stephanie's story & the challenge of repeated forgiveness
• 03:25 — Twin Towers analogy of marriage and trauma
• 05:57 — Defensive marriage dynamics explained
• 10:31 — Conference invitation and concrete support for callers
• 14:55 — "Scoop by scoop" approach to rebuilding relationships
• 21:12 — Sam’s struggle with insecurity and OCD
• 24:01 — Separating identity from intrusive thoughts
• 27:44 — “Imposter syndrome” and projecting self-judgment
• 31:10 — Transition in friendship communication as maturity
• 37:24 — Dave describes the grief as his daughter leaves home
• 43:43 — Validating and honoring the grief process
• 45:59 — Breaking family cycles and internalizing personal success
• 51:46 — Healing childhood wounds and passing on emotional legacy

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Memorable and Uplifting Moment

• 55:38 — Kelly shares heartfelt message from an 81-year-old softball teammate, highlighting the importance of intergenerational connection and expressing gratitude, which uplifts the episode’s heavy tone.

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Conclusion

Dr. Delony provides heartfelt, actionable advice to listeners facing significant relational and emotional crossroads. Through honest dialogue and creative analogies, he guides each caller toward self-compassion, practical steps for growth, and a hopeful vision for the future — all while honoring the reality of long-term pain and the value of steady, incremental healing.

Transcript

[Stephanie]

My husband and I, we've been together since high school. We separated a few times and we've even divorced each other twice. So technically, we've been married to each other three times. Can I ever truly forgive him for being unfaithful?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you ever heard me talk about the twin towers falling down?

[Stephanie]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When it comes to marriage. Okay, so. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with a Dr. John DeLoney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, talking to real people, going through real life challenges. Thank you for joining us. There's a billion podcasts out there, and I'm glad that you are sitting with us. Pull up a seat, grab some drinks and some nachos, and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Stephanie. What's up, Stephanie?

[Stephanie]

Hi.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How's it going?

[Stephanie]

It's okay. It's just going.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, that means not good at all. What's up? What's up?

[Stephanie]

So my question is a little bit of A, I guess 22 years in the making, but I'll give you a little bit of backstory. So my husband and I, we've been together since high school, almost 22 years now. We separated a few times and we've even divorced each other twice. So we've technically been married to each other three times over 22 years? Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wow. Okay.

[Stephanie]

Over the course of the years, we face a lot of struggles, including me having miscarriages, him being unfaithful multiple times, emotional abuse. We've had medical traumas with our children, one of them being careflighted multiple times and being placed on life support at one point. Shortly after that, he was unfaithful again. My husband is a three time war veteran who also struggles with PTSD. In 2022, he attempted suicide and he was hospitalized for about three months trying to deal with that. But it seems like over the course of the 22 years, it's just been one thing after the other. We now have five kids. Our oldest is almost 20 and our youngest is six months old. She was a complete surprise.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ayo, that's what you needed. On top of all this was a six month old.

[Stephanie]

Exactly. But instead of feeling like joy, I feel that sometimes my husband blames me for having another baby, which is also painful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Stephanie]

I love him very much and we've worked really hard to make our marriage better. We've done a lot of things to pour into our marriage and I've forgiven him many Times. But deep down, I still have so much pain and hurt and anger. I carry a lot of resentment towards him, I guess. So my question is, can I ever truly forgive him for being unfaithful? You know, despite past hurts and, like, work, past all that resentment, have you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you ever heard me talk about the Twin Towers falling down?

[Stephanie]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When it comes to marriage. Okay. So it's an analogy that I just love and actually use it everywhere. The first time I heard it was from the greatest Perel, the marriage therapist out of New York. But she said, when somebody cheats in a relationship, and I've actually. I think it's much bigger than that. When you have a kid for the first time, when you get a new job or you move or you lose a job, whatever. She described the changes in a marriage like the Twin Towers, when they fell, when they were knocked down by terrorists and they fell. You couldn't sweep up all that steel and glass and wood and rebuild those towers using the old materials. You had two choices. You could walk away and let nature take it back over in the next hundred, two hundred years. It would. Right. Or you can get in some professionals, you can excavate the whole thing, and you can rebuild a new marriage. And it sounds like, using that analogy, over the last 22 years, you guys have had one thing after another after another after another. Yes. And you've tried to rebuild your marriage a number of times. Which is. Which is right and good. I've. I've got 20 different marriages. I've been married 23 years. I've got 20 new marriages. Right. We. For. For various reasons. But y' all have tried to rebuild it on top of the existing rubble.

[Stephanie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so when you say you're really working on your marriage and you're doing. Y' all are working together, what you haven't ever done is excavate the whole thing and start from bedrock, from dirt.

[Stephanie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And until you do that, until you can honestly have a marriage where you can put your hurts on the table and say the things out loud, because you still can't do that.

[Stephanie]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he's not. He's not. Well.

[Stephanie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Stephanie]

Definitely not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm not blaming him. He's just not. It's okay. Love him to death, man. And he's been through hell and back, but he's not well in a place where you could say, hey, this is how I feel. This is what's happened. This is reality for me right now. To where he could go. I hear that. And. And hold it right he can't do that, and you can't do that. And so any work y' all do on your marriage is like trying to build a new building on top of a collapsed infrastructure.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And so the path forward for you, yes, you could actually dig through and work on resentment, on coming together, on building a new thing, but he would have to be committed to getting well and whole, and you would have to be committed, and both of y' all have to be committed to excavating this whole thing out and creating a marriage where we can say the things that are true. And right now, y' all don't have that.

[Stephanie]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're both play. You both play defense in your house, right?

[Stephanie]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You protect him from things that are going on inside your chest. He tries to protect you from the things going on inside his heart and his head. And so he's got coping strategies, you've got coping strategies, and those strategies pull you both further and further apart.

[Stephanie]

Yeah, they do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Instead of, we are having challenges, and these things bring us closer together. Fighting conflict should be a point of connection for couples and for you guys, because you haven't excavated the whole thing, conflict is a point of separation for y'. All.

[Stephanie]

Yeah, that's. That's definitely true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so the question I have for you is, what would it look like if you were to come home and say, hey, I. We have 500 kids. I've got child care for them. I want us to go out for. For half a day and clear the whole calendar, and let's pretend we're building a new marriage from scratch, from zero. How do we want this house to feel every morning? When you wake up? When I get home. When you get home. How am I able to say, I don't want to be intimate tonight? My head's full of all kinds of old junk. I'm not. Okay. How is he able to come home and say, I had a really dark day. It was tough for me to get out of bed, and here's what I would love from you today. Like, what would that. What would his response be to that?

[Stephanie]

I think now more than ever, he's more open to things like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Stephanie]

I feel like his heart has kind of softened as our older kids are getting older. You know, we feel that we've done all of this stuff, and it's kind of messed them up. And I think that we feel the tug more than anything to make things right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Stephanie]

But I don't. I guess I don't even know how that would feel, because I don't think that we've ever had that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Yeah. Do you think he would be. Would entertain it?

[Stephanie]

Yeah, I think. I think that he would. Lately he's been more willing than I have.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Stephanie]

I've just kind of been very closed off. And so lately he has been, you know, hey, what do you want to do tonight? Let's spend time together. And I'm just like, go away.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, and think about those kind of questions that. Those are the Gottmans, call them bids. That's. That's his bid for connection with you. And for you, that's like slow dancing on top of a collapsed building.

[Stephanie]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And so you get in this. You get in this figure eight kind of dance where he pursues you, and you're like, look around. And then he feels rejected, and then he goes off, and then you're like, see, I knew he didn't like me. Or I'm not enough, or it's my fault we had a baby. And then he tries to reconnect, and you all just get in this dance, right?

[Stephanie]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so somebody. If you've. If you haven't listened to the show very long, I always say this. Somebody has to turn the lights on and turn the music off, stop dancing. And it usually takes one person there. There's. There's two big things here. Number one, if y' all are up for it and y' all can. I know you got a little baby. And it's. It's. It's complex. Valentine's Day weekend this year. I've got a Money in marriage conference where we're literally this year going to go through how to rebuild your marriage, whether it's great and you're ready for, like, and you've got a kid going off to college, or whether it is just an ash because of infidelity or whatever, we're going to walk you through how to do it, and you and your husband can be my VIP guest at that event. Okay.

[Stephanie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you want to come to Nashville, it's a long weekend. It may not work because you got a toddler and. Or you got a baby, you got an infant. So it may be tougher, and y' all may not have the money to fly yourself down here to Nashville or whatever, but if y' all want to come, you can be my guest here. Okay. That's number one. Yeah. And the whole weekend is about coming back together and rebuilding a new thing. Right. The second part underneath this is you trying that out, clearing the deck, and you look at them and say, I See a softening in you. I see your heart opening up. And I feel myself, after 20 years of having to keep this whole thing together, now that you're holding it, I'm feeling myself just wanting to let go and walk away from the whole thing.

[Stephanie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And if you look at them and you say those things, I see the changes you're trying to make. And now I'm struggling. I want to rebuild this thing from the ground up. Are you in?

[Stephanie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And see what he says to that. And if he says, I'm all in, y' all are both going to need to go see somebody together. See a counselor together. And here's more important. You are both going to have to decide, what do you want your house to feel like and what must be true for that to happen?

[Stephanie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And when I say, what do you want your house to feel like? I want you to feel like you can say anything that you need to say. Like, hey, we have this six month old kid and neither of us planned this. And by the way, new mom, it's okay to be really upset that you had a fifth kid on accident. It's okay. You're not a bad mom. You're not, you're not.

[Stephanie]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's okay. Because I know you're gonna love this kid. I know you're gonna give this kid the world.

[Stephanie]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's okay to that this was not in the plan at all. And here we go again.

[Stephanie]

Yeah, definitely.

[Kelly]

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's also okay that your four other kids. Every time you had a toddler is when your husband felt like he wasn't enough around the house and he went and did something that violated his values, violated Yalls marriage values. And you see this whole thing spinning up again.

[Stephanie]

Oh, yeah, right. That's definitely true. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your body would be failing you if it wasn't sounding every alarm you have right now. It's been through this four other times.

[Stephanie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. That doesn't make you crazy. That makes your body working perfectly. And for him to be like, I have messed up four times in a row and I don't want to do it this time. I'm going to be extra attentive, extra open, extra soft in my spirit. And you being like, dude, I'm nursing a six month old again, get off of me. Right. All that is is normal.

[Stephanie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But normal is not going to cut at this time. We got to excavate the whole site and build from the floor up.

[Stephanie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So I want you to ask him if he's all in to rebuild from the floor up. And I want you to be honest about the things that you need, which are food, shelter. Right. And water. And what do you want from him? And I want you to be honest with him about you don't have these tools in your toolkit yet. And I want you to commit to getting these things, these tools. And what I, what I mean by tools. How to just sit with a six year old in color for a while without feeling like a failure, which most dads do. How to change a diaper when you don't think you're doing it right, and so you feel like a loser and a failure. And so you go to work and you as being able to hear from your wife who you love. You all been married three times. Y' all keep, keep going around the merry garage. This is amazing.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And, and by the way, at some point, I want y' all to have individual conversations. Y' all on one side of a booth and your 20 year old, your 17 year old, your 15 year old on the other side of the booth. And I want you to be honest. We didn't do a good job. We didn't love each other.

[Stephanie]

Our older kids, you know, we have sat them down, especially after getting remarried this last time, like, hey, you know, this is something that we want to do and we're sorry for all of the hurt, but I feel like then things happen like we talked about, and it just spirals again. So here we are, back in that same, all right, you know, routine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You caught the spiral, though. You caught it. And then y' all commit to, okay, we're. Here we go. We're heading down. We're just gonna turn the music off, we're gonna turn the lights on, we're gonna come back to the table. And by the way, it seems like some huge thing, and it is. Excavation's huge, but it, it starts in little tiny steps. So if you think about, we got to excavate, we got to get some big trucks out here and some big front loaders and clean all this up. Okay, that sounds huge, but it happens scoop by scoop. Just piece of concrete by piece of concrete. What does that look like in a marriage? Every Sunday night, no matter what game is on, no matter where I've been on what hunt I've been on, no matter how stressed we are, whatever, every Sunday night at 8 o', clock, we sit down and we go over the calendar from the upcoming week, we go over the budget for the upcoming week, and we ask each other, how can I love you this week, it's that small. Scoop by scoop, every morning. Every single morning, we're both going to go do something that is good for our bodies, which means the other person's gonna have to warm up a bottle while you're out ex walking or going for a walk or going for exercise or going for coffee with a girlfriend. You are going to have to get the other three kids ready while he's off exercising before he comes back home. It is these little bitty steps that add up over time with, like, compound interest that change everything. It's not this huge fall off a cliff and the huge shoot back up the mountain and then fall off the cliff. It is step by step by step by step by step. So here's the deal, Stephanie. I'm going to give you every tool I got in my toolkit to help you guys out. Number one, I'm going to give you a year to the together app. It's my marriage app. It's just daily challenges that you can do for each other. Okay? You can do it by yourself. Just. It's going to give you a daily challenge to give to your spouse, or you all can link up and do it together. I'm going to give it to you for free for a year. Also, I'm going to give you my book Building a Non Anxious Life. I want you all to to go through that book together and use it as a roadmap to create peace in your house. And this could be what you all use at your breakfast. Okay? And I'm going to give y' all every dollar, which is the app, to get your money right. And here's what getting your money right as a couple usually does. It forces y' all to have conversations once a week. It forces y' all to have conversations about values, what we're spending our money on, how much things cost, how much we owe, all these things that create stress storms inside of a house. And I'm going to give you all a couple of VIP tickets to the Money in marriage over Valentine's Day weekend if y' all are able to get to Nashville. So I'm going to give you every tool I got in my toolkit, and it's going to be up to you, all, you and your husband, to say, okay, we got married a third time. We're not going back down that road. We're going to stop it before we fall. We start heading downhill. One of y' all has to have the courage to turn the lights on, turn the music off, go to breakfast, clear the deck and say, all right, we're going to build a new marriage from the floor up. Are you in? And hopefully he says, I'm all in. And we're going to talk about hurt, we're going to talk about pain, we're going to talk about loss, and then we're going to go do the next right things to clear this thing out and to build something amazing and new. Thank you so much for the call, sister. I'm here to support you and your husband. Anytime you all need, call me anytime. All right. When we come back, a man wonders how to stop feeling so insecure around his friends in his workplace. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. 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[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Hey, Dr. John. How you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great, brother. How are you?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Honestly, it's pretty good day. Pretty good day. First time in Houston, it's dropped in temperature below like 80 degrees.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Whoa, it's a blizzard. It's a blizzard.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's where I grew up, man. Those. Those below 80 days are magic days, man. It's awesome. What's up, man?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

That's right. Yeah. So, man, I feel like I've just been feeling really. It's trying to deal with insecurity at work and. And with my friendships.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about insecurity. What does that mean?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

So should be a little context, I guess, back and I was in high school, I was, you know, diagnosed with ocd. And that has taken many forms over the years. And with, you know, great therapy and meds, like, I'm in a really good place now, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How extreme is yours?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Well, when I was first diagnosed, it was. It was really bad, you know, washing my hands till they were bleeding and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

And it was. It was. It was. It was really, really rough.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What about the thought? So you had high compulsion? What about thoughts?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Hike. Yeah. Intrusive thoughts? Yeah, it was. It was. It was pretty. It was pretty intense. And it was just like kind of feeling out of body. Like there was another voice in my head.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Just kind of telling me things to do that I couldn't. Couldn't really avoid. And once I got, like, one thing under control, it was just like. Felt like the next thing took over and it latched itself onto my face for a while, just telling me I wasn't good enough or I wasn't, you know, it. There's just many ways that it kind of took over and one by one just kind of tackled them through the cool years and. And now it's just, man, I'm really grateful. I just feel Like, I'm in a. I am in a better headspace. I just feel like I have a better understanding of that OCD voice.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Can I tell you this? That's. That's one of my diagnostics and. And from way back in the day. Right. And mine wasn't as extreme as yours. It was different. But there is something about feeling like you can't trust your own body that is underneath all that's terrifying, Right?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah, it is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because if you can't trust you, how can the world. Can a. Can a girlfriend trust you? Or how can an employer trust you? How can your family trust you if you don't trust you? Right.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's exhausting. Exactly.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I want to tell you, I'm proud of you, dude. I'm proud of you for grinding it out slowly, but sure.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah. I really appreciate that. It is. I mean, you haven't ever heard like that, but that is. That is true. I mean, it is. It's very. It's very exhausting. I mean, it just. I wonder sometimes if someone were to plug my brain into their head.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, dude, you don't. Nobody trust me. Nobody needs to know the thoughts going on in our heads on a loop. Yeah. What's important is that once you can separate yourself from that voice, realizing, oh, that's not me, that's a voice in my mind, that's. That, to me, is step one of victory. Right.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's amazing.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So. So where are these feelings of insecurity? Or. Let me. Let me change that question. Take feelings off of the table.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is proof of you're not good enough at work?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

I think at work, it's maybe less about what's happening. Like, at work, I feel like I'm doing pretty well in my job. I just. I fall really quickly into the spirit of comparison with my peers. And just like, you know, we all graduated college, you know, and now we're moving on to this next stage of life where everyone's starting to get, like, money, and it's like, wow, man. Like, what they're doing at their job is maybe more impressive or more requires more, like, intellect, you know, than maybe what I'm doing. And I just feel like maybe I could be doing more. I don't know. It's less maybe specifically with my job and more with my friends. I have the best friends in the world out of the best guys. I'm getting married actually in March, and so super stoked about that. And these guys are all going to be standing next to me. I love them like brothers, but I have found that. I have found that lately, the thing that I've been kind of hyper focusing on better or for worse is like, we rib each other a lot. Right. I mean, it's just like, guys, it's just like our love language. It's just how I. That's just how I connect. It's just. We're just constantly, like, joking with each other, and I don't want to change the dynamic, but lately it's just. I feel like I have this reputation that's kind of like the idiot, if I'm being honest. It's just. I just think that I'm. I don't. I don't know. It's like, maybe all the jokes. It's like. It's just. I'm sensing a common theme where I'm just constantly saying something dumb or I'm maybe not understanding something that they are. And I'm sure if I told them this, they would all be like, oh, my bad, dude. Like, we had no idea. But I don't know if I want to do that. I don't want to change the dynamic because I want to. I want to be able to give it and take it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

You know what I mean?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So I. I think it's. I don't have two PhDs because I'm the smartest guy in the room. I have two PhDs because I've always felt like the dumbest guy in the room. And I was constantly, for years, desperate for someone to tell me that I was smart. Pathologically desperate. And so I want to tell you, whatever you think you're going to go achieve to get that sense, it's you. You can't catch it. And it wasn't until I crossed that. That. What? Third finish line, from a master's degree to a doctorate to another doc, that finally I was like, all right, this isn't the problem. The problem is I don't like myself. And I am casting my own judgment on myself into the hearts and minds of my closest buddies.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And in the same way that you would never. Because you probably have one friend that's super anal retentive. Right. That's like a nerd, like, super list maker. And you got one buddy that's just kind of like, dumb as a box of hair, but it's making a ton of money. Right. You got that friend, too. All right. You would never say something with the intent of hurting them.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Right? Of course.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you would definitely say something to poke and rib at them, right? And my guess is they feel the exact same way about you. The difference is what you go looking for in the world, you are sure to find, as Brene Brown says. And you are desperate to find people to prove to you that you're as lousy as you look in the mirror and think you are. And so you hear jokes and connection from your guy buddies as truth because it confirms the story that you already have about yourself, which is there's something wrong with you, that somehow you're not enough.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want to tell you that's just not true, man.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like when I hear you talk, I hear an absolute fighter who's going to be one of the most compassionate co workers. And what business do you work in?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

I'm a financial consultant.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Oh, my gosh. Okay. You are going to be one of the most compassionate people when guys like me show up at your door freaked out about the world imploding. Right.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're gonna rise through the ranks of that job so fast. Not because you're great with math. AI can do that nonsense. But because you know how to sit with exhausted, fried, terrified people because you've been there.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It usually takes a while for the market to kept to catch up to that sort of relational person.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so here's what you and I both know. We share this together. That our feelings are very big and very loud and they mo most often don't tell us the truth. Fair?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So cool. We have that data point. That's awesome. And so what's important for guys like me and you to do is to go do the next right thing. To ask when our feelings get really loud, to be direct with our questions in a kind way. And three, find places where we can serve other people. Because that changes the voice and changes our internal default setting that we are dumb and losers to maybe not the smartest guys in the world. But we can sit with hurting people. We can sit with people who need support and care and love because we've been there. Is that fair?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah, no, that's. That's. That's very fair. Would you say, and this could be the OC voice talking, but would you say that there's merit in me? I feel like I've been overthinking a lot of my conversations now with my friends because I don't want to say stuff to them that is hurtful. You know, whether as before, I would be like, bro, you are actually the dumbest man I've ever met. And we would laugh. But. But now it's like, I don't want to say something like that because I don't want them to take it. Like, I don't know, like, where do I draw that line?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, that's just, that's just, that's just you growing up and being wise. And I'm gonna tell you, I have shifted over the years from I want to be the guy with the joke pointing out the dumb thing, right. To I want to make sure every. I just got done with a 10 day run with some of my oldest friends in the world. I'd speak in events all through Texas and into another state. And every step of the way, I stayed with friends, went to dinner with friends, old friends, went hunting with an old friend, like. And I needed every one of them to know that I'm so proud of them, that I love them and I'm grateful for them. And that's a shift for me. And can I also tell you that one of those guys that I stayed at his house with his family, he still goes by Fat John. That's his name. And he still calls me Hyper John. So that didn't change. Our. Our poking at each other doesn't change. But as you get older and you get wiser, you realize bids for connection don't have to be poke first, show up second. It can be, hey, dude, I love you first. And the old nicknames are going to stay. This is just you getting wiser, brother. And so if you feel a sense of, I'm still one of the guys, I still want to hang out, these are still my rider. These guys going to stand by me, my wedding and hold me accountable for the rest of my life. Amazing. And it's okay to say, hey, before we do this, I want each one of you to know what you mean to me. And I'm going to write it out, I'm going to read it to you. That'd be amazing. Yeah, so that's where I would start with those relationships and at work. Listen, insecurity, this idea of Kelly, what's it called when you. I just lost it. It is. Oh, imposter syndrome. I just lost it. I. I felt you. You just channeled into my head. So thank you for that. Imposter syndrome. It's simply the fear that other people are judging you as harshly as you're judging yourself. Stop. And if you got ocd, those judgment voices get loud and they get repetitive and they get on a loop. Everybody I know judges themselves way harsher than anybody else judges them way harsher. And so the path forward is not to think your way out of this thing, but to take the next right action. Take the next right big step. I really feeling myself not wanting to clown on my buddies anymore. I just want to tell them that I love them. Cool. Do that. And if they don't want to hang out with a guy that celebrates them, then that relationship has kind of come to its end. My guess is they'll do the same for you. And if you get tired of people piling up on you and piling up on you, ask one of them, pull them aside, go grab a drink, get some coffee and just say you think I'm stupid. And they'll be like, no, you're the smartest guy I know. That's why we make fun of you. That's why we give you a hard time. Or, yeah, dude, you say the dumbest things. That's why we love you. And you can get some of that confirmation one on one in a big group. Everyone's going to pile up and be silly. But Sam, I'm hearing an absolute rock star. I'm hearing a guy that is about to get married who's nervous about getting married, which he should be, and excited, which he should be. I hear a guy that's transitioning from high school guy to college guy to now like grown up guy. And you're going to see some friends make a bunch out of the gate and not out of the gate. And you're going to have friends that lose jobs. You'll lose jobs, you'll get jobs. This is just that next stage. And it feels unsettled. And when you get unsettled, your body goes to ocd. Some people's body goes to anxious. Some people's bodies go to. I don't want to get out front of these blankets. All that's fine. It's about, what am I going to do next? What actions am I going to take? And so here's what I want you to do, Sam. I want you to write yourself a letter to one month after you're married, you. And I want you to thank yourself for the things you started doing today. Congratulate yourself, write yourself a letter on what kind of husband you're going to be, the kind of person you're going to be. Write yourself a letter about the actions you're going to take to be a great friend, great husband, great employee. And then we're going to keep revisiting that. And then I want you to write each one of your groomsmen a short note that you're going to read to them face to face in front of everybody. And you may be the guy that changes that dynamic, but don't lose ribbon, don't lose laughing. Just talking crap with your buddies. That is a great way to provide levity and joy. It's awesome. Thank you for the comment, brother. All right, we come back. A man asks how to cope with the grief of his child leaving for college. 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Head to cozyearth.com and use code Deloney for up to 40% off. Just be sure to place your order by December 12th for guaranteed delivery Christmas. That's cozyearth.com Deloney use code Deloney all right, let's go out to Detroit Rock City, talk to Dave. What's up, Dave?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Hey, Dave. All right. Sorry. Hi, John. How you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good, brother. How are you, man? You're Dave.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

I'm John, yes. I'm sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, it's all good. What's up?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

All right, Paint you a quick picture. I'm 45 years old. I've been married to my wife for 24 years. We have four kids. They go 19, 16, 11 and 8. We have absolutely clawed our way to get to where we're at right now in our life. We have tried to do everything intentional. You know, my wife is absolutely my best friend. She is my counter shenanigator. We date weekly. We are best friends. We've done everything we can do to get to this point. And I am getting now to where I guess as a man, I'm starting to exhale a little bit. There's been several times where her and I been together, and we just said, you know, hey, we made it. It's like, we're there. We're. It's. You can kind of start to see the fruit of your labor. And, you know, we both came from nothing. I came from nothing. And I've absolutely done everything in my power to get where I'm at.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you mostly talking about. You said some amazing things about your marriage and your relationship. Are you talking about that is where you're exhaling, or are you talking about financially, like you scratched and clawed and you've made money or both. Okay.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

All encompassing. So we have. You know, where I could have saved more money, I could have done a lot more things to put us in a lot better financial position where I'm at now. But we are in a good position now financially. We. And. And we live a very, very fulfilling life. We're extremely active in our church. In fact, that's where we met 25 years ago. And we have. You name it, we have. We have houses and cars and trucks and RVs and ATVs and stuff that, for lack of better words, we're enslaved to. But nevertheless, we. And we've taken vacations and we've tried to do everything right, and we've been very good at it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

So I say that. To say this now we're in a position in our Life where approximately 18 months ago, my oldest, my daughter, left for college.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, God, that's the worst, dude.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Well, I. I thought I was prepared.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I thought.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

I'm like, yeah, but it's going to be sad. And, you know, and like, yeah, I get it. But I want to tell you something. The minute. So we drove her to college, she lives. It's approximately four hours away, so it's not too. Too far, but yet it gives us a separation. It gives her some freedom, but yet she's not so far from home that she can't reach out and we can't be there if she needs us. So 18 months ago, we drop her off to college. And literally, as I got in the car and I'm driving home, it hit me. It hit me so hard.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, dude.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

And it was like. It was like, it's over. It's over. And it's like, I feel like personally that I missed it, that I was so focused on clawing and scratching and getting there and getting there and the next thing and the next job and the next. I mean, you name it, I did it. Whatever it took, I got after it. And My wife the same. And I didn't miss anything physically. I was in every school play and I was at every birthday. It was very intentional that. But I. It was like a light switch. And we got home and her bedroom's empty and the spot where she parks her car is empty and that portion of the house is quiet. And I see photos of. Of long time ago when my nucleus was there. And I feel. And I can see photos of myself in the background. And I. And I'm like, you idiot, you missed it. And there's. There's nothing I can do about it. And it's not just because of her. Her leaving is what struck me. It's that it's over. And. And we were.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on. You keep saying that. What's over?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

So when I say it's over, I think their childhood, that kind of that. That nucleus that we formed, that thing that was always there when I came home and the noise and the chaos and at the time, and I don't mean to be cliche, but, you know, it. It seemed like a hassle.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, totally.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

And looking back on it and at the time, and I'm still do this. And it's part of my personality is I'm always looking to the next thing and I just feel like mentally I wasn't there. I didn't. I didn't breathe it in. I didn't. I didn't realize how great it was because I was too focused on the next thing. I think, well, I do this, it's going to be that much better. And to be honest, that got us to where we're at.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

So it did bear some fruit.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on, hold on. You're. You're exchanging guilt for grief. You're. You're in an effort to. And it feels like in an effort to avoid the fact not that it's all over. And by the way, it is. It is. It goes so fast, dude, so fast. But it's also changing, though. And for a guy that's always looking over his shoulder for the next thing I want to prepare you for. Your relationship with your daughter has 50 more years to it, 40 more years to it, and it's just going to get more awesome. It's different. And she's not going to be able. You're not be able to pick her up anymore.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it's about to get a different kind of awesome. But I want you to not try to like, go to guilt. I want you just to exhale and say, dude, I did a good job. I scratched and clawed and yeah, I would do things differently. I got an 8 year old, so I'm gonna do some things differently. That's amazing. That's what, that's what wisdom is, is learning. And for a cautionary tale for young, young guys, you can say like, hey, you think that these four wheelers are gonna bring you joy? They're not. But also, you got some great memories on those four wheelers with those kids, don't you?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And so underneath all of this, can I just tell you, it's okay to just be super sad.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A part of your heart just moved out.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And dude, I was just, I was just in far west Texas with a awesome guy. He has a manufacturing business. He makes a jillion dollars. One of the greatest, kindest guys I've ever met. We went on a wild hunting trip together. Awesome guy and his daughter just moved out. And he told me, you think you know how bad this hurts? You have no idea.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I've been, I worked in residence life, I worked in colleges for 20 years. I've hugged sobbing dads my entire career in hallways of dorms. What you're experiencing is very universal. And it's, it's. You didn't do anything wrong, brother. Sounds like you changed your family tree. And you'll learn some things along the way. And this is just one of those things that's just hard.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah, I, I. Not to cut you up, but I, you know, I. It's not just her. It's the whole, it's all, it's my whole life, the nucleus just, it was. I become instantly aware that, oh, I had it then, and I thought when I got here I would be, it would be more freedom, more happiness. And I just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You thought it would feel.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

I wished. Yeah. And I, and I, and we're supposed to be happy right now. And it's funny because it's, you know, I took her to college, so she's a sophomore this year. I took her to college just myself and helped her move in. And as I drove away, it's like reliving it again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Ripping the band aid off again. And then so I get home and I'm looking at photos, not just her, her, just in general of, you know, previous baby photos. And I'm in the background and so forth. And I'm like, I don't remember that. I don't, I don't remember it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

None of us do. There's not something wrong with you. Let me, let me, let me, let me ask you this question because this is One of the most common things I hear, especially from men in very similar situations, from you. A, you did the next right hard thing, which is my marriage is going to be different than the one I saw growing up.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah, 100%.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My finances are going to be different, my kids are going to have a different kind of life than the one I had growing up. And you not only felt the pain from your childhood, but you did the next right thing, which is super commendable. And you've been met with a great curse, which is you crossed a finish line financially. You got an amazing young daughter out of the house and into college with a set of values, a set of morals, a set of A great picture of what? A dad who loves his wife. Like she's got a picture in her head now that's going to be hard for any knuckleheaded kid at college to live up to because of you. And you went with you. That little kid that's still wondering why is dad gone all the time. That little kid that was wondering why can't I have shoes like those kids in my class? That kid turned 45. And the only person that can't see the amazing transformation you've given your family is you. Because you went with you. Whatever success you had, that lingering self doubt, not enough, why did mom leave? Whatever your story is went with you. And when I hear you say I'm in the background of all these pictures, you know what I hear? I hear a guy who's underneath the whole family holding the thing up so that picture could be taken in the first place. It's noble, it's right, it's good. And so is wisdom saying, I'm not working another weekend to buy another boat. I'm gonna spend that weekend just coloring with my 8 year old. That's awesome. That's just wisdom, brother. But also wisdom is you finally got your family to a safe place and now finally, I want you to look in the mirror and deal with that guy. And this will probably be the hardest battle you've ever fought because you're gonna have to change your inner narrative about yourself because even amongst all of this blessing, you still think you let somebody down. But the real challenge is you sitting down with your 19 year old daughter and saying, hey, you had a ringside seat to a guy that never thought he was enough. I want to tell you about me growing up.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How often has your wife said she loves you and you're proud of you and your first thought is, nuh, I could lose £10. I need to go do this if I. How often does that happen?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah, it's every time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

She says it a lot. Yeah, she's very intentional with that. She's clearly the saint between the two of us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I think you're a saint too. I think the reason you don't think you're a saint is because that inner voice is so loud and so dark. You've given peace to everyone in your family. The person I want to have peace now is you and that brother. This is the pot talking to the kettle here. You went through pretty hellacious times growing up, didn't you?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah. Yeah. The family was. Was a mess.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have dark stuff that you never told anybody?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

No, no, she. She knows everything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Besides her?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah, of course besides her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You've told people besides her?

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Yeah, I think so. I, you know, I don't, I don't have like sexual abuse or anything like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Broken home, parents were alcoholics and they remarried. It was just a mess. And, and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, but listen, that means you have a nine year old inside of your chest that is asking every morning you open your eyes what was so bad about me that you chose that? And then the next step, because you're a man who is scratched and clawed. I don't ever want a nine year old to feel that way again. So in my house, my kids are going to have everything, have every opportunity. I'm going to make this marriage work. I'm going to find an amazing woman and I'm not going to believe her when she says I'm worthy of being proud of. But I'm going to keep going. And what I want you to do this Evening after that 8 year old's gone to bed, I want you to go write a letter to that nine year old self inside your chest to you or close your eyes and picture this. I want you to picture your dad pulling out of your childhood driveway and going to the bar. And I want you to picture nine year old you standing at the edge of that driveway watching him drive off and turning back around. And that nine year old you looking at grown up you and asking why is daddy leaving again? And I want you to write nine year old you a letter saying, hey, none of that was your fault. None of it. And I want you to let that nine year old, hey, we made it. And you were worth being loved and hugged and hung out with and laughed with all the time. You were worth getting driven to college and having a parent being real sad you were gone to, But freedom for you My brother will be letting this little nine year old finally go play because that nine year old's still protecting you to this day. And you got to hear it from another guy that's about your age in a almost similar Life. My son's 15, not 19. I'm so proud of you, dude. So proud of you, man.

[Caller (various, e.g., Sam, Dave)]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is what breaking the cycle looks like. And breaking the cycle comes with scars too. And you have put everybody else ahead of you for all these years. And now I want you to. Find peace inside your chest. Write that 9 year old a letter. If you're a real gangster, you're going to read it to your wife. If you're a real, real gangster. When your 20 year old comes home for Christmas, when your 19 year old comes home, comes home for Christmas, I want you to read the letter to her. And in that letter, I want, I don't want you to spare anything. Talk about the time dad was drunk and he hit you too hard. Talk about the time mom didn't come home one night, put all that in there and let that 9 year old finally exhale and say, I'm driving now, I'm 45, I've got it. And then tell your daughter, I miss you more than life itself. And I can't wait for us to finally be able to be friends in a couple more years because we're going to have an amazing next round of, of relationship together. And you're right, man. Me and my daughter got up the other night, she couldn't sleep. So we drove to the store at like 8 or 9 o'. Clock. Got a coloring book. We came home and colored for a while. We couldn't find a coloring book so we had to find. We went to like two stores. I mean, it's late, dude. And we were dressed ridiculous. Those days for you are over. They are. And coloring with no talking, just playing some old country tunes at the table. That part's over, you're right. But as a guy who's always thinking about what's coming next, which is what you had to do when you were nine to make sure you had food. I want you to think about what's next with a smile on your face when that daughter brings some guy home and you get to hassle him and you get to see in his eyes that he's going to love her as much as you did. He thinks he is, but he won't. When you get to take her out somewhere to a concert, when you get to hop on a plane and go visit her at college or drive to go see her and y' all go do something fun on a weekend or whatever. Think about those with a smile on your face. Not with regret. You've done an amazing job. And now it's time to let you finally rest too. We'll be right back. This time of year, we are giving our time, we're giving our money. And sometimes without meaning to, we're giving away our personal data all over, everywhere on the Internet. And this is why I love and recommend and use Delete Me. I like a good deal as much as the next guy, but I want you to remember that every email click or every newsletter sign up is you giving another piece of your personal information to somebody else. And that data doesn't just stay with them most of the time, they're selling it behind your back to shady data brokers who grab it, bundle it, and sell it to God knows who else. If you want to take back your privacy and your piece, get Delete Me. Delete Me is like a digital cleaning crew. They find your information on all these secret data broker sites and they get it removed and they keep it gone. Because peace doesn't just come from turning off notifications. It comes from knowing that your data is not for sale. Right now. You can get 20% off your annual plan when you go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney. That's JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney. Go protect your digital life. All right, we're back. Kelly wants to read something that she found on the Internet.

[Kelly]

Yes. So this was posted. I saw this on my Instagram and I just thought it was really great. And it talks about some of the things that we talk about on this show. So the woman that posted this, her husband plays in a softball league and one of the men on the league is an 81 year old.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. And I want to be that guy.

[Kelly]

I seriously looks like everyone else based on the picture is in their 30s and 40s. He posted he sent this to all the guys in the league one night overnight after a game. He says, well, guys, just up to do my middle of the night pee. I've been laying here in bed for the past hour thinking about tonight's game and thinking about what a great bunch of guys I'm allowed to play with. I really appreciate the way you guys treat me as an equal and not just an old fart. It's you guys that keep me living. Except for you guys, I would not be playing ball. No daily walks, no lightweights. There would be no reason to do those things. It's all of you who keep me going and give me the reason to get out of bed in the morning. All of you should take pride in knowing that there is some old fart that you keep going every day. I don't know if I will get another league, another year in this league or not. I don't even buy green bananas anymore. But I do know that this will be the year of ball play that I will always remember. I will do my best to contribute to the. To the team. Some days are better than others. Now. Now that I get this off my chest, off to la la land I go again. That just warmed my heart.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's the greatest thing I've heard. I wish there was a mandatory softball league service that every United States citizen had to go through. I think there's something transcendent about playing softball leagues. Young people, old people. That's A. That guy. That guy's amazing. A, for telling his buddies that, because that was not an easy text to write. And B, for those youngsters for letting the old man do. That's awesome. Awesome. I love it. Golly, dude. All right, that cheered me up. This was a heavy show and that was good, Kelly. Well done. Well done. So maybe today only there was some redeeming qualities on the Internet. I'll take it. Go join the softball league and let the old men and women play. Love you guys. Bye.