My Daughter Had a Traumatic Experience at a Sleepover

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: My Daughter Had a Traumatic Experience at a Sleepover
Date: January 26, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony, Ramsey Network

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Main Theme

This episode revolves around real-life mental health and relationship challenges, with a focus on parenting through traumatic experiences, navigating loneliness and connection as an adult, and supporting aging family members with complex emotional dynamics. Dr. John Delony fields listener calls with practical advice and candid empathy, mixing personal stories with clinical insight.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Parenting After a Child's Traumatic Sleepover ([00:06]–[13:27])

Caller’s Story:

Jessica calls in to seek advice after her 8th-grade daughter was exposed to inappropriate sexual content (an adult exposing himself via Omegle on a friend’s phone) during a sleepover.

Main Issues Discussed:

• Guilt vs. Gratitude: Jessica feels conflicted—not guilty, but grateful that her daughter trusted her enough to share what happened ([02:42]).
  • "I'm very glad that she was able to tell me... I carried as a child a lot of shame and guilt over that for years... I told her it was not your fault." – Jessica ([02:42])
• The Parent’s Dilemma: Should she stop permitting sleepovers or celebrate her daughter’s openness?
• Modern Sleepover Challenges: Technology poses new risks parents never dealt with as children.
  • "We didn't make great choices, of course, but we sure didn't deal with that, right?" – Dr. John Delony ([02:19])
• The Power of Parent-Child Openness: Dr. Delony commends Jessica for creating a home where her daughter feels safe reporting big, scary things ([03:35]).
• Navigating Boundaries: Delony suggests making their home the sleepover location, enforcing strict technology rules, and explaining decisions openly to her daughter ([05:09–08:01]).
  • “If there's going to be a sleepover, it's going to be at y’alls house... There's zero technology allowed, period.” – Dr. John Delony ([05:09])
• Honest Conversations: Advises Jessica to share her own childhood experience in a non-graphic way to help her daughter understand parental instincts and boundaries. Timing is crucial; not during an active sleepover invitation ([06:55–08:01]).
• Trust Over Age: Sleepover recommendations should be based on the relationship with other parents, not the child’s age ([08:34–09:43]).
  • "I will never do it based on age. I'm always going to do it based on my relationship with their friend's parents." – Dr. John Delony ([08:34])
• Backfilling Social Loss: If disallowing sleepovers, parents should proactively create alternative social opportunities or shared activities ([11:42–13:27]).
  • “If I'm going to pull away social situations from my kid, I have to be responsible for backfilling that.” – Dr. John Delony ([12:07])

Notable Moment:
Jessica expresses concern about being perceived as "the only weird one" in her community—Dr. Delony reassures her that caring parents often feel like outliers ([05:09]).

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2. Accepting and Navigating Adult Loneliness ([16:41]–[34:51])

Caller’s Story:

Nicole from Hawaii asks how to mentally and emotionally accept loneliness while still hoping for social connection after years of isolation due to panic attacks, chronic illness (Lyme disease), and emotional neglect.

Main Issues Discussed:

• Nicole’s Background: Panic attacks at college led to social withdrawal for years, compounded by unsupportive college administrators and emotional neglect at home ([17:11–22:11]).
  • “I became kind of an outcast after that, and it was really hard to, like, not be afraid of other people.” – Nicole ([18:01])
• The Universal “Weirdness” of People: Dr. Delony shares about his diverse podcast team, demonstrating everyone has quirks—and social rooms for all types ([24:43–26:03]).
  • "I'm on a team of people who are totally different than each other. All of us are into weird stuff, loud stuff, quiet stuff." – Dr. John Delony ([24:43])
• Automatic Self-Doubt: Nicole feels excluded in groups (D&D, hula) and worries the problem is her, not the fit or dynamic ([26:29–27:51]).
• Challenging the Internal Narrative: Dr. Delony suggests her “radar system” for connection might be off due to past traumas—not reality ([30:12–31:37]).
  • “Is there a possibility that your radar system isn't working right? That you are being accepted..." – Dr. John Delony ([31:09])
• The Importance of Repetition and Showing Up: Encourages her to keep participating in social activities, despite discomfort or slow progress ([33:33]).
  • “Just keep showing up, keep showing up. And when you say you’re tired of showing up, show up again.” – Dr. John Delony ([33:47])
• Recognizing Incremental Change: Two years of effort can’t undo 25 years of negative messaging overnight—change happens slowly ([33:53]).

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3. Navigating Family Dynamics and Caregiver Stress with Aging Parents ([35:47]–[49:51])

Caller’s Story:

Angie from Baltimore seeks help for her father, who suffered a stroke. Her mother—a long-time "mean" presence in the household—has become even more cruel to him, bordering on elder abuse.

Main Issues Discussed:

• Post-Stroke Emotional Stress: Angie's father, once independent and strong, is now dependent. Her mother is impatient, verbally cruel, and neglectful despite having resources and offers for help ([37:15–39:03]).
  • "She says things like... if he wants something, he can get it himself... Mom, he's like a four-year-old... he had a brain injury." – Angie ([37:55])
• Naming the Problem: Dr. Delony bluntly says, “He married a mean lady,” recognizing the tragedy but refusing to sugarcoat it ([39:56]).
• Safety and Dignity: Emotional cruelty—refusing food, berating after a stroke—is classified as elder abuse.
  • “We're talking about elder abuse. You don't get to eat because I have a bad attitude... that's cruelty.” – Dr. John Delony ([40:32–40:44])
• Breaking the Family Cycle: Advises Angie and siblings to “forcefully insert” themselves into their father’s care, even if their mother resists ([43:33–44:47]).
• Emotional Complexity: Validates how hard it is to care for a formerly strong parent and acknowledges all feelings are valid ([45:30]).
  • “There are no bad feelings. None. You can feel whatever you feel.” – Dr. John Delony ([45:30])
• Taking Action: Suggests the siblings start reading to their dad, hiring help, and preparing for difficult conversations and possible resistance ([44:47–47:13]).
• The Funeral Test: Encourages Angie to imagine her father’s funeral, asking herself if she’ll wish she had done more, or be grateful she did ([48:10–48:31]).
  • “Are you going to wish you had of, or are you going to be so grateful that you did?” – Dr. John Delony ([48:22])
• Warnings: If the mother escalates cruelty when confronted, be prepared to involve social services or transition the father to another living arrangement ([49:24–49:43]).

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4. Cool Crap That Happened: Positive Listener Update ([53:20]–[56:40])

Listener Story:

Ashley, a previous caller, writes in with an update describing improvements in her ability to be the "fun mom" after taking Dr. Delony’s advice. She details family outings, letting go of control at home, and opening communication with her husband, resulting in more joyful, healthy family dynamics.

Notable Quotes/Moments:

• “Our son announced that it was the best day ever. I felt so much relief to be able to simply enjoy the moment instead of worrying. It’s a day our kids will remember forever.” – Ashley ([54:34])
• “I've opened up more to [my husband] about where I'm struggling, and now I come home more often than not to laundry already started or the dishwasher emptied. That one conversation has had a lasting impact on our family.” – Ashley ([54:56])
• Dr. Delony celebrates the power of relinquishing control and intentional family fun:
  • “Being able to be a spouse who comes home and says, 'I need to relinquish some of the control here'... That's amazing. Good. Shout out to him. Shout out to her.” ([56:05])

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “You've created an environment where your daughter feels safe to come tell mom big scary things. And kids can handle a ton. They just can't handle it by themselves.” – Dr. John Delony ([03:35])
• “It's not about age for me. It's about my relationship with their parents and do we have mutual trust over time?” – Dr. John Delony ([11:15])
• “Just keep showing up, keep showing up. And when you say you’re tired of showing up, show up again.” – Dr. John Delony ([33:47])
• “He married a mean lady... That's the bed he chose... And now he's married to a cruel lady.” – Dr. John Delony ([39:56])
• “There are no bad feelings. None. You can feel whatever you feel. You can be grossed out when you have to start changing his diapers in a few years. There is no bad feelings. There's just actions of character or actions that lack character.” – Dr. John Delony ([45:30])

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Episode Structure & Timestamps

• [00:06] – [13:27]: Parenting through trauma (Jessica’s call)
• [16:41] – [34:51]: Navigating loneliness and adult friendships (Nicole’s call)
• [35:47] – [49:51]: Aging parents, elder abuse, and breaking family cycles (Angie’s call)
• [53:20] – [56:40]: Listener update: Becoming the “fun mom” (Ashley/Kelly)

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Summary Takeaways

• Openness & Safe Communication: Celebrate when kids confide in you, and foster that trust with continued openness.
• Boundaries with Empathy: Make hard calls about safety, but back up lost freedoms with quality time and honesty.
• Loneliness & Connection: Changing a narrative of exclusion, showing up repeatedly, and questioning long-held stories can lead to genuine connection, even if it feels awkward at first.
• Caring for Elders: Address cruelty head-on, assemble a support network, and act—even if it’s hard, and even if the “right thing” feels emotionally complicated.
• Small Shifts, Big Impact: Even tweaks in mindset and shared responsibility transform family life and parent-child connection.

This episode balances real-world parenting advice, the longing for connection, and the bittersweet responsibilities adult children have toward their aging parents—with Dr. Delony’s trademark warmth, bluntness, and encouragement.

Transcript

[Caller]

I have an 8th grade daughter and up until about a year ago, I had never allowed her to go to sleepovers. I decided to let her go. During that sleepover, one of the girls with a phone had the app Omegle and an old perverted man had exposed themselves to the girl.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's going on? This is John with a Dr. John Deloitte show. Man, I'm glad you're with us. A lot of hurting people out there and not a lot of people to call. So I'm glad that you've reached out. I'm glad you're listening, glad that you're pulling up a seat and we're going to figure out what's the next right move in your life with your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriage, your kids, whatever you got going on. Let's go out to Bend, Oregon and talk to Jessica. What up, Jessica? Hello.

[Caller]

How are you?

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm good. How are you?

[Caller]

Nervous.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, don't be nervous. I'm not very good at this. You're good, you're good to go. What's up? What's up?

[Caller]

So I have an eighth grade daughter, I also have a fifth grade daughter. And up until about a year ago, I had never allowed her to go to sleepovers. She'd had like a handful of, you know, one on one sleepovers with some friends that are like family, but outside that, I didn't allow her to do slumber parties. But this year feels like there's one about every month. And I decided to let her go. It was a, you know, she has really good friends, she's a good girl. She went and the next day I could tell something was off. And she told me that during that sleepover one of the girls with a phone had the app Omegle and an old perverted man had exposed themselves to the girls. Obviously I was pretty upset about it, but now I'm in this situation where I don't know if I should stop letting her have them or appreciate that she told me. And I just don't know how to handle it going forward. They're just constant and I'm the only one that doesn't let my daughter stay or had been so. Just trying to figure out how to navigate this.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Number one, I hate that hat to that happen to her.

[Caller]

Yeah, me too.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I hate all of it. I hate that I got to go to sleepovers when I was a kid and we didn't make great choices of course, but we sure didn't deal with that right. And yeah, how much guilt are you carrying right now?

[Caller]

I mean, I wouldn't so much say guilt. Something similar actually did happen to me. I'm 40 and when I was in the fifth grade, I went to a sleepover and somebody had put on a porno and it was very traumatizing and I never told my parents. And so my biggest thing was I was so happy that she was able to tell me because I carried as a child a lot of shame and guilt over that for years because I was very like conservative Christian home. And I felt like I had done something wrong. So I'm very glad that she was able to tell me. And I told her it was not your fault. But yeah, I was mad at myself. I said I should. I just. This is why I don't let her do this. But I also don't want her to now stop telling me things. Because if I now don't let her, then it's like, well, if I just hadn't told her, then I would be.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Able to go and I would tell you. That is probably how an 8th grader, a 13 or 14 year old will process that. And that's okay. I want to tell you that you have. You have done hard work to change your family tree. And what I mean by that is you've created an environment where your daughter feels safe to come tell mom big scary things. And kids can handle a ton. They just can't handle it by themselves. Like you had to do when you were a little girl.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so the fact that you've been able to process with her that you created a world over a decade or more. I don't know. I don't know how old she is, but you created a world where she came to you, which is amazing. Okay. So I want to applaud you for that.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I hear from kids, this is the way I hear that when they come back and say, hey, I went to this thing and this happened to me. Especially big scary things like this. The way I interpret that is please help me. And so what you have to do is the next scary terrifying thing, which is risk her being mad at you for her being safe. And that's a parent's job. What that means is that if there's going to be a sleepover, it's going to be at Yalls house, which is inconvenient and which is a lot and it's dramatic and you've got boring rules that other girls don't have. Great.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

My. My wife is prepping one tonight that they're coming to Our house. And just so you know, just so you're not the only weird one I know in your little community, you might be. There's zero technology allowed, period.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And.

[Caller]

Yeah, and there was. Luckily after that sleepover, it did. The. The host's daughter also told her. And there was a big group thing that went out and, you know, the. A bunch of every mom was on it and there was a consensus, like going forward, no phones after 9pm or whatnot. So that at least is helpful. But it's still there. You know, there's. There's always a way exact. Exactly. Technology. So it's not even so much just the phone. It's just the exhaustion, the. The lack of control over who's there. Just the rest of it. So totally.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And that's why when they come to my house. Yeah, there's. I don't want to put anybody on blast, but I mean, I don't care how old they are. I've. I have. Or my wife will call other parents and be like, hey, here's the regulations and the rules and the whatever. Right. And. And again, I've talked about on the show. I'm so obnoxiously over the top. Careful. But here's the deal. You're, you know that you can't let her go again, at least for a while.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so.

[Caller]

Yeah. And there is one this weekend and next weekend. And I. I did say luckily it starts at like noon. And then it goes into it. And you know, I did say, hey, you know, we have. And then I struggle with, like, do I be honest about why or do I. I just said, you know, the next day you have like two basketball games. You've got. We have a friend Christmas party. Like, I just can't have you being exhausted. Or do I just say it? We're not doing those.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I think saying that, having that conversation. Not with one in the balance.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so here. Here's what an amazing moment would be for you and your daughter. Have you told her about what happened to you in fifth grade?

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. This is an amazing moment of mom and daughter connection. She's 13. She's old enough to hear that story. But y' all go out to breakfast and you tell her, hey, I've been wrestling with something since you told me what happened. And I want to tell you, not in graphic detail, but somebody put something on in a movie that is still stuck in my head to this day. And I knew better than to let you go. And I wanted you to have so much fun. And I Don't want you to be the only weird kid. And here I am. I overrode myself. And then, good God, it happened again. I love you too much to put you in those kind of situations again. And you have full permission to tell your friends that your mom is an old school, out of touch loser. Right. But if there's, if there's a party and you're having this conversation at 4pm on a Friday and the parties that night, it's going to go awful.

[Caller]

Not the right time.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

A random Tuesday morning at a diner is going to be the when to have this. And she'll metabolize it and you can look at her and say, I understand that you think it's because you told me it's not because somebody else told their mom. I would have got back to me. We'd be having this conversation whether you talk to me or not. I'm so proud of you for being honest.

[Caller]

Yeah. No, and that, that actually is true in this case. Of course it would have absolutely gotten back to me. So now that's, that's a good idea. I will do that. And then is there any age where, while they're in your house where you would allow it or like you personally.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I will never do it based on age. I'm always going to do it based on my relationship. First and foremost, this sounds nuts. My relationship with their friend's parents.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Do I trust that makes sense. Right. And, and usually it's done in little ways, like, hey, my kids. And like my kid in sixth grade, my son, he's in high school now, but in sixth grade, my, hey, we're all getting the kids together and we're gonna watch a movie. All right. Well, my wife calls and says we're weirdos, but I, I can't let him go over there. If anybody has any access to the Internet and if there's any phones anywhere, that particular parent took up everything. All of it.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Shut everything off. It was amazing. And so in little bits and pieces, and we went to dinner together and we did. We were on the same baseball teams, et cetera. And so they proved over time that not only did they respect our values, they begin to adopt. Some of them in their home, like us going first gave everybody else permission to go. Ah, right.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so it had nothing to do with how old my kid was, it had way more to do with, do I trust the environment here?

[Caller]

Okay, no, that makes sense.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And, and so, and then there's just being smart and safe.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And it just kind of is what it is. And so strangely, the younger they are, the more likely an older brother. And not maybe not even older brother. An older brother's friend's gonna be there or somebody's gonna have a phone, like, what happened with your daughter? And then the older they get, they're just gonna have like, they don't have wine coolers, they have kegs. Right. It just, the. The stakes are higher. They're gonna take the car out. Right. So call me old fashioned, call me whatever. I'm just not a fan of, of. There's. There's an old West Texas saying that is one, one 14 year old boy is half of a brain. Two 14 year old boys is no brain. Right. And so it's. It's like it's a square root of the more kids you put together. Right. And I never am going to blame a kid for that. Why? Because they're kids. Of course they want to go experiment and see what crazy thing is someone has on their phone. Of course they want to watch some weird war footage that someone's getting beheaded. Like, not they want to watch it. She's curious about it, right?

[Caller]

Curious. Exactly. When I asked her why she did stay in the room when they were on that, she said I was just curious. That was exactly your answer. Because some girls did leave the room.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Caller]

And she said I was just. I just didn't know. I was curious. And when I think about, I'm like, that makes sense.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Of course I want to know. Yeah.

[Caller]

Different. And. Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so all that to say is, it's not about age for me. It's about my relationship with their parents and do we have mutual trust over time? And even then, I'm going to call and reiterate and I, at least to my knowledge, maybe my friends talk about me behind my back and probably they do. And you know what? I don't care. That's fine. They're still my friends. Like, oh God, Deloney's kids come over. We got to do all this crap. That's fine. That's totally cool.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But here's the other thing. It's hard. I have often had to backfill that time. Meaning, hey, dude, I heard there's a sleepover this weekend. And I know you can be the only one here. You and I are going out to a movie tonight and we're gonna go eat whatever restaurant you want to go to.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And that means me and my wife might do less date nights because one of us is with one of our kids during that time.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Or hey, son, teach me how to play this. I don't. This Jurassic park game or Star wars game. I don't know how to do this. But I'll, I'll do this with you. Or hey, I'm going to take an extra hunting trip with you and you're going to come with me and we're going to go camp out or whatever. The thing is, I've got to. If I'm going to pull away social situations from my kid, I have to be responsible for backfilling that. Having kids in my house or which I love that actually. I want kids everywhere in my house. I love having kids over. Or I'm going to have to backfill that with me personally or take my, my daughter or my son with me wherever I'm going. And I think most parents default to no, you can't do that. Well, now my kid's sitting there untethered, with nothing. And that's. That. That feels kind of cruel, right?

[Caller]

No, that makes sense.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But I'm gonna have a few years where my kid doesn't like me and I'm okay with that.

[Caller]

Yeah. Now, luckily, she's truly like the sweetest child ever. And she really. I, I did tell her about this next one and she said ok. And I don't think she associated it with anything to do with the last one. I think it was more just like we have, we do truly have a crazy next day. So, I mean, I know I can't use that every time, so I do have to have that hard conversation at some point. But she was so sweet about it and there's no hard feelings that I can tell. Yeah. But I will definitely do that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, I take her out and let her know, hey, this one's 100% on me. And you're right to not like me. You're right to tell your friends that I'm boring and mean or blah, whatever. And if you want to ever have girls over the house you're all in, like, come on over and your older brother can't have any friends. And that, that to me is the magic is when I put this boundary down about safety, I have to backfill that boundary with opportunity. And that's, that's. I don't know. Sometimes on Friday nights I just want to collapse on the couch and watch something. I just want to be a kind of a bum. And I took this away. So I'm going to step in and do the next right thing as a dad or my wife as a mom. And we're gonna do the next hard thing and we'll do it together. And that challenges me. How do. Am I a likable guy? Do I work on being likable so that when my son, I'm like, hey, hang out with me tonight. He's like, all right, that's cool. Let's go to a concert. Let's go find a movie. Let's go do something that's cool. Instead of, oh, God, he's just gonna lecture me all night. And you know what I mean? So. But man, great, great call. I appreciate you thinking through this and waiting through. The thing that I think is the worst for most parents is kids that don't like them because that, like, is short term. Especially if that, like, is me sitting. That not liking you is with me right next to you. Not at you, but with you. I know this is a bummer, and I know I'm kind of being a buzzkill here, but I'm going to keep you safe. Thanks for the call, sister. When we come back, a woman asks, how does she make peace with just being lonely after trying to make friends for so long? This show is sponsored by Better Help. As we head into the new year, I want you to take an inventory of all of the stuff you're carrying, all the things you think you have to do, the things you should have done, all those past hurts and pains, along with past guilt, past shame, all of it. And when the world feels heavy, when your back feels heavy from carrying all the stuff around, it's important to look in the mirror and consider setting down all of that old weight and not carrying it any further into 2026. Therapy can help you identify the heavy stuff and move forward with clarity and set it down so you can focus on the new year. If you're thinking about therapy, I Recommend Better help. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists, and they're one of the leading online therapy providers in the world. They're trusted by millions. They have an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. All of their therapy is online, so it's easy to fit into your schedule. To get started, just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with the licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can change therapists at any time for no extra cost. Listen, you can't feel lighter without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. You're worth it. Go to betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10 off your first month. That's betterhelp H-E-L-P.com DeLoney. Let's go out to Kona, Hawaii, and talk to Nicole. Hey, Nicole. What's up?

[Caller]

Hi. Hi, Dr. Delany.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How are you?

[Caller]

I can't complain. The sun is shining and there's a wonderful breeze off the ocean. How are you?

[Dr. John Deloney]

It is freezing here, but I won't complain either if you won't, so that's cool. What's up?

[Caller]

Well, I was just wondering, how does one, like, accept loneliness in a. Like, a mentally healthy way without giving up hope that someday they'll be able to make connections?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, tell me about that.

[Caller]

For the last two years, I've been seeing a therapist and being medicated, and I moved out on my own, and I'm. I'm trying to grow up, you know.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How old are you?

[Caller]

28.

[Dr. John Deloney]

28. Okay. So you've been living with your folks up until you're 26?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What are you being medicated for?

[Caller]

Depression.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller]

I'm on Lexapro, 5 milligrams.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Are. Were you staying at home because you had to, or it was a cultural or. Or you didn't have anywhere else to go? Like, tell me about staying at home till you were 26.

[Caller]

I. I had an incident when I was 21 where I didn't do very well out in the world, and I became a house hermit for almost six years.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, tell me about that.

[Caller]

I was at a private college at the time, and I had my very first panic attack. And this was, you know, about 10 years ago, so that wasn't really normal. And people didn't treat me very well. They thought I was, you know, I don't know, they just thought I was really strange. And I became kind of an outcast after that, and it was really hard to, like, not be afraid of other people.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And when you say people, are you talking about college administrators or friends or family?

[Caller]

Everybody. Everybody, yeah. Students, administrators. My parents didn't really know what to do either, and so I just kind of closed off from the world.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. Over a single panic attack?

[Caller]

No. Well, yeah, it was. I had this single panic attack, and then I stuck around trying to stick it out. Right. And I did stick it out, but I kind of. People really didn't know what to do with me after that. And then when I came home, it was full force panic attacks all the time and everything. And, yeah, I just kind of did one thing and did another.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I mean, I've spent my career working with college students, and not just me, but all of my colleagues across multiple institutions. And walking with a college student through a panic attack is. Is almost like Student Affairs 101. Like, I'm. I'm. I'm both shocked that I would have a colleague across the country that would go after a student for struggling and that there would be that. That bad of a response from. With support, resources.

[Caller]

Well, it was a Christian college, and I don't.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I worked at several Christian colleges. Yeah. And, I mean, there was the. The training and the resources we had were pretty remarkable. You know what I mean? Was it. Was it. And maybe it's the particular and out of the word Christian means a million things to a million different people. But did they blame you or just tell you to pray it off or, like, what was the response?

[Caller]

Yeah, they told me to pray it off and not to cause trouble.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

[Caller]

That's okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's not.

[Caller]

That's a long time.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's not, though. I mean, in. In that incident may have been a. A long time ago, but you being scared of your own body because panic attacks are terrifying. Right.

[Caller]

I don't. I grew up with a chronic disease as well.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's that?

[Caller]

Kind of like.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's that?

[Caller]

I have. I have Lyme's disease.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller]

And so I kind of just grew up feeling odd in my body in general. So I guess it wasn't really as terrifying as it probably could have been for me.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Well, but I mean, to be blamed for your body trying to keep you safe.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Is disorienting.

[Caller]

It is.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I mean. I mean, just talking to you for a few minutes, I don't think it started there. Maybe the fireworks show started for the first time when you were 18 or 19. But then not being able to trust your own body and then realizing, oh, I can't trust the people I go to church with. I can't trust my friends. I can't trust my family. I mean, that's enough to tell a body, hey, dude, we gotta circle the wagons and shut the door. Right. I get that. I get that.

[Caller]

Thank you. I appreciate that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so what happened at 26 when you were like, I gotta head back out into the world and figure this thing out?

[Caller]

I was going out with a guy, and he told me. He's like, I don't know if you know this, but you have anger problems. And I was like, I do. And I realized nobody in my life, not a single person had told me. And so I started seeing a therapist, and it just turned out that I just didn't know how to handle emotions at All I never learned to regulate. And so it was kind of a journey from there. I don't really have the anger issues anymore. It's just like, oh, there's a lot of things that I realized about my upbringing that was not healthy and that was not normal.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Do you have abuse in your background?

[Caller]

No, no, no. It was emotional neglect mainly.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, so you're 28 and you're trying to find connection, you're trying to find friends, you're trying to find community. Tell me about what you mean by, should I just accept being lonely.

[Caller]

Well, I've been alone most of my life. I don't know if it's because I'm an existential thinker, I'm dyslexic, if those are the reasons. But I've never really had a good time making connections with people where I feel like, seen. Like I always have to alter myself in order for people to like, you know, digest me.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so let me, let me pause right there. And normally I would. We would tell this. I would let you. If we were just sitting down having nachos for a few hours, I would just let you, let you go and we'd circle back. But yeah, I'm. I'm in a studio right now and I am a old punk rock kid. I don't, don't apologize. I'm just trying to paint a picture. I'm an old punk rock kid who also went to Sunday school, who also played varsity athletics. I was a weird kid, right? I drove a Prius and I also was a deer hunter. Like just a weird guy. Okay. And I'm looking through the recording glass at Ben the engineer, who is world class musician and an audio engineer. And he's super into Magic the Gathering. And I don't really have a psychology for that. And then next to him is Kelly. And Kelly is a former cheerleader who still roots for the Dallas Cowboys, God knows how. And she's a brilliant leader and she's super old and, and dysregulated when it comes to her emotions. And she's just shaking her head at me. And then Nate Dog over here is into all kinds of weird, like, dice rolling games. And he's a great dad, like all the things, right? So I. Here's what I'm telling. And Alex is back over. Like, I don't even know what Alex is into. That's how creepy that guy is. Here's. I'm telling you, I'm on a team of people who are totally different than each other. All of us are into Weird stuff, loud stuff, quiet stuff. And so I guess what I want to communicate to you is you're not. You don't lack friends because you're a big thinker, and you don't like friends because you're too loud or you're too quiet. Okay? And. And here's why I'm telling you that if you walk into a room and every room you walk into, you think my body is a problem here, then I want to suggest that there's a challenge with the rooms you're walking into. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Or underneath it all, I don't want you to walk through every room, every doorway for the rest of your life with the assumption I'm screwed up and broken here, so I need to squash myself and fix, like, and become somebody or something. I'm not. Put on a costume so that I can get up against the wall and fit into this room. Right?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Now, the other side of that is all of us have to make concessions, meaning there is a social world that we exist in. Right. So there's certain rooms that I think a funny joke is hilarious. I'm not going to tell it in that room. That's okay. That's not me, like, not being me, bro. That's me being respectful of the room I'm in. Right. And Kelly, she doesn't talk about her, like, her Geritol and her dentures and all that in every room she's in. Right.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And Ben and I. Ben and I have been in bands for years together. We've gone to concerts together, gone to comedy shows together. We've never once discussed Magic, the gathering, because he knows I'm not ready for it yet. Right. So I tell you that to say there's both and. But out of the gate, I don't think something's wrong with you.

[Caller]

Well, I feel like you're one of the few.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Well, what would it look like to begin to enter into different rooms?

[Caller]

I do enter into different rooms. I join groups. I've listened to your show for a while.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Tell me about that.

[Caller]

I am part of a DND group.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Excellent. Nate Dog would love you. Awesome.

[Caller]

Okay, so I do.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You. You. You are part of a D group. And they look at you and say, wow, you're too much.

[Caller]

Well, it's more like there's no. A lot of interaction in terms of, like, personal interaction. We go and it's all introverts, and everybody does their own thing. And at the end of the day, when we all say goodbye, it's like Nobody says bye to me. Like, I don't. Like, I'm an outsider in the group once the game's over.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Tell me about another group. Tell me about it. It makes sense, but I'm. I don't want to challenge you just yet. Tell me about another group you're part of.

[Caller]

I do hula on my free days. And, like, I mean, I'm not like athletic or anything, so I'm just there for fun. But it always seems like I'm there and I'm paying attention and I'm having fun, but somehow I just don't mix in with other people. Like, I don't know if there's not that there's clicks, it's just like everybody's at this hiking rhythm. And I'm over here being like, okay, I'm just trying. And it doesn't seem to be working.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And what would working be?

[Caller]

I don't know, being able to, like, talk to people during breaks and, like, feel like I could. Like, I am included. Like, I'm allowed. And, like, because when I try it, I don't know, it almost feels like I intruded.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Do they tell you that or do you feel that?

[Caller]

I feel that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. And I guess what I want to challenge here is if you have a body that has always not even been able to trust itself because you have a long term, chronic health condition that resulted in it trying to shut you down because it felt so unsafe, which is what a panic attack is. If you have parents that were too busy doing other stuff to even bother with their own daughter. If you learned at 25, 26, like, dude, I've got a lot of feelings that are big. Which, by the way, also allows you to really be a powerful, empathetic listener, right? To feel other people hurting. Then you walking into these rooms and what a cool, diverse room you're walking into. You're walking into a Dungeons and Dragons game. You're walking into an athletic thing, right? You're all kind of stuff. You're walking into a church group or whatever the thought is, it's supposed to feel a certain way. And I'm broken. So I need people to reach out to me. And every time I have a conversation, it didn't feel like something. And so that must mean something's wrong with me. I'm out of here. Instead of recognizing, okay, I feel something that's important, and the next right thing is I'm gonna get three of these girls and ask them out. Yo, let's go. Go hang out at. At the end of My DND session, or in the middle of it, I'm going to be like, all right, real quick, are any of y' all dating? And just see what happens. But at some point, you have to push through that feeling of, I don't belong here. And in a way, I don't say fake it till you make it, but totally fake it till you make it. Like, I Super Bowl. I super belong here. What. What. What's scary about that?

[Caller]

Well, because I've tried that. I've invited people out, okay? I've. You know, I've invited people over to dinner when they have gatherings. I go. And it. You know, if it was just like, the last two years of this, then I would be like, okay. But I guess it's because it's been my whole life of trying and trying and trying and then just tired. Just tired of trying.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But I hear you say you're trying and you're tired of trying. And on other. Other. The other conversation is, you got a boyfriend that loves you enough to say, hey, I love you, and I want you to work on your anger. And you have a group of magic, the Gathering wizards, like, who are like, hey, come hang out to the next one. And you have a hula class that you're like, I promise, you're not the only one in there feeling weird, right? And so, like, you're doing these things. You're with these other groups. They're accepting you over and over again, yet you walk out every time thinking, what's wrong with me? Here's what I'm trying to ask you. Is there a possibility that your. Your radar system isn't. Isn't working, right? That you are being accepted, that people do like you, you do have added value, and that maybe it's not the community that's the problem. Maybe it's, dude, my radar isn't trustworthy right now?

[Caller]

No, I would say that's a huge possibility.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. Because my guess is if you were just up and disappear, the magic, the Gathering guys would be like, dude, we finally got a girl to play with us, and now she's gone. Or the Dungeon Dragons group, right? Like, oh, no, we love Nicole. Is. Is that a possibility?

[Caller]

Maybe. I don't know.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I. I'm going to suggest that it is. And I guess my suggestion is a. Don't ever accept. I guess I'm just destined to a life of lonely social connection is easier for some than it is for others. No question about it. Like, Kelly has friends with everybody. She's like. Just, like. She's. She's great at making friends, great at having people around. It's awesome. I struggle with it. I'm just a weird guy. And I've had to learn over time that my default setting isn't always right. And I've had to learn. That was pretty awkward. Shouldn't have said that. Right? I also know that too. But I guess my challenge to you is, is to make a commitment to yourself to say, maybe I am worth being friends with because these other people are my friends. Maybe I am worth hanging out with because these other people want me around. They invite me, they like it when I'm here. Or maybe I don't feel like they like it, but they sure look like they do. And maybe consider, okay, my feeling O meter, my internal compass is probably off from how my folks treated me, how my church community treated me, but I do have people. And then begin exhaling and saying, what is, what does this feel like? What does peace feel like? And if you ask a bunch of people out and it does and they say no thinking, man, they must have a lot going on because even the Dungeons and Dragons guys like me and I'm just not trying to run them down here. I'm not trying to run them down. But consider continuing to show up in two years. Like you've got 25 years of being told you're not enough, a couple of years of practicing. I want to tell you I think you're on the right track. And I'm pretty, I'm really proud of you for saying I'm going to step out of my parents house. I'm going to go see a professional. I'm going to start showing up to these groups. What I want to challenge you to do is just keep showing up, keep showing up. And when you say I'm tired of showing up, show up again, show up again because I think, I think your friends are glad that you're there. And I think the, the challenge here for you is learning to feel what that feels like. Not as electricity and a need to get out, but as a your body, learning what friendship feels like. And sometimes it's boring and sometimes it's all right, see you guys next week. And then it's going again next week. Keep doing what you're doing because you're making some big changes. It's just, it's minute by minute, day by day. And it doesn't feel like a big change in real time, but it really is, is powerful. Thanks for the call, sister. We come back, a woman asks how to handle concern that her mom is being mean to her aging father. All right, those of you watching or listening to the show right now probably fall into one of two camps. First, you're somebody who's never used a home security system. Maybe you thought it was too expensive, you think you need a degree in it to work on it, or you don't want some random stranger drilling holes in your walls. Or you're the other kind of person. You've had a security system before, but you're tired of long term contracts. You're tired of having to buy a bunch of stuff you don't want or need. And you're really tired of these giant monthly security system bills. Listen, for both of you, Cove is for you. Cove is smart, affordable home security that you can trust, whether you're a stay at home mom with kids or a busy traveler who wants to check in on their house when they're 5,000 miles away. Set up with COVID is totally DIY and it's way quicker than you think. And listen, this kind of clarity gives you real peace of mind. If you're a first time home buyer, a renter, or a comparison shopper who wants more value and way fewer headaches. Cove is for you. Go to covesmart.com and use code Deloney and save up to 80% off your first order. Protect your home and the people you love with better home security. That's Cove smart dot com. Use code Deloney. Go check them out. All right, Baltimore, Maryland. Let's talk to Angie. Not of Angie's List. What's up, Angie?

[Caller]

I'm Angie's list. Hi there. Dr. Dunn. I, I want to tell you I appreciate the guidance you give to young parents about sleepovers. I was sharing it with someone over the weekend and my kids are older, but I just think it's great advice.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Well, thank you so much. I'm grateful for you. What's up?

[Caller]

Yeah, so my question is that my dad, my, my parents are older. There's an age gap between them. My dad is, is now 85. My mom is 15 years younger than him. He had a stroke in 2020. He was 81 at the time. Before the stroke, you would have never known he was 80. They're always out doing stuff and they, they have a garden and they're on like in a rural community and they're on like seven acres and always, always doing stuff. So after he had the stroke, he, he really started showing his age. And since then, so my mom thought in a month he was going to be better and go back to how he was. And everything was going to be good. Well, obviously he's not. He didn't. The biggest issue he had after the stroke is his speech. Everything else, he kind of came back, but of course, 80, not. Not how he was before.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's right.

[Caller]

And she's just mean to him. She's just. She says things and she does things and, and she's just meant to. She's just. And it's not just him. She's kind of mean to everybody.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But is that, Is that new or. She always been that way?

[Caller]

No, she's, she's. It. It's new for me to see her do it with him.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller]

I've seen her do it with me and my siblings and, and I don't know that she, she. She just says mean things. Like for instance, he. So he had. They, they had quote unquote chores before the stroke. Like he would clean out the dishwasher, washer, he would make the bed or he would fold the towels. And after the stroke, she would, she started complaining about him not helping and.

[Dr. John Deloney]

He had a freaking stroke.

[Caller]

I know. That's what I said. And so I said to be kind without yelling at her. I said, mom, he's had a brain injury. Yeah, he, he's not the same person that he was before. And I said, you know, he's. He. He may not remember he has to do this or he meant. Or like she would say, like she says things and these. This is the thing that. So this is the thing that bothers me a lot is, is she'll say things like, well, he won't tell me what he wants to eat, so I just am not going to fix him anything. And if he wants something, he can go up and get it. And I said, mom, he's like a four year old. He. He doesn't remember this stuff. He had a brain injury.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Wow.

[Caller]

And she'll just, she'll push it aside. And even my brother would say, my brother and my sister and I, we, we talk about it often. Be like, she's so mean. I can't believe she does that. Why does she do that? So my question is, and, and I, I appreciate that there is caregiver fatigue. Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Her being frustrated is. Right. Her being just, this is my life and grieving that. Yes, totally.

[Caller]

And I appreciate that. My. So my sister and I live two hours away. My brother lives about an hour away. We offer to come over. We offer. I mean, they've got money. They could pay somebody to mow the. So my sister and I have this Conversation. We should pay somebody to mow the yard for him. And then we're like, then what are they going to do? Right. They're so healthy and able to do it. It gives them something to do until they're not able to do it then. But, but. But the little things like. Like making him want lunch or making him dinner or he won't tell me what. And so my husband.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So here's the thing. Here's the thing. You're. He married a mean lady.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

He married a mean lady.

[Caller]

Yeah. It makes me sad to hear you say that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It does. And I don't talk bad about anybody's mom. That's. I get a lot of crap on that. That I'm meaner on dads and I am moms and. And wives. And that's true. But I don't like talking about other guys. Wives. It's just a thing. It's. Maybe it's an old Texas thing. I just don't like doing it. But your. Your dad married a mean lady.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. And fine, he married a lady. That runs him down. Has been quipping at him for years and complaining about him for years. But that's the. That's the bed he chose. And now he's married to a cruel lady.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And we can't have that because now there's. There. We're talking about elder abuse. You don't get to eat. Because I have a bad attitude.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You don't get any smile or joy because I don't have any smile or joy. That's cruelty.

[Caller]

Yeah. But as well. Well, two things. I have two things to ask you about that. Number one, she doesn't do it to, like, she can have neighbors that's come over and she's the nicest person ever. Is that normal?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Well, it just means that she's chosen him as her eternal punching bag.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And it's very. Not. That's very normal for performative people. And I don't want to diagnose her, but there's some. Yeah. She's just not a nice person.

[Caller]

So would I already know the answer to this? Probably. Would she been. So when he first had the stroke. So he had the stroke in 2020. So of course. Stupid Covid. Right. But the doctor had said. Had suggested support groups for both of them, like a stroke support group and a caregiver support group. And none of those were open during the time. And here we are five years later. Would she benefit from something like that or would it be performative? Would it just be both? Okay. Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so if she would go for a year as part of a performance and that would put her around a bunch of exhausted, weepy yet doing the next Right thing wives, that'd be amazing. And maybe there'd be some collective. Because here's the thing. She's not going to suddenly wake up one day, regardless of what kind of education she gets or some kind of training she gets. She's not going to wake up one day and be like, oh my God, his life is hell.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Every minute I'm gonna try to do something to make his life a little less hell. She's not gonna do that. She never has done that.

[Caller]

Well, that's fair for you to say that because she doesn't. He was an avid reader. He always had a book in his hand. I mean, always had a book in his hand. Was always reading. And now all of a sudden he can't. I mean, after the stroke. Right. All of a sudden he can't.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I gotta get really careful so I don't get choked up here.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But I'm an avid reader.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And if I had a stroke, I can guarantee him to you, one of two things would happen the next day. My wife would get me audible and she'd set it all up.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And. Or she would read to me.

[Caller]

Yes. Me and my sister have offered.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Listen, though, you're becoming her. I just said it. You, you. By her saying, he won't even tell me what she's going to get, so I'm not going to get him anything. You are saying. Well, they didn't ask us to help mow the lawn and that's there. So we're just not going to do anything.

[Caller]

Oh, that's interesting.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So. So don't repeat that same pattern. Here's what you have to do. You have to be. You have to forcefully insert yourself into the care of your father, period.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You and your siblings. And you know more than any of us, me talking to you or listening, whether. Because some mean people are actually kind hearted. They're just grumpy and mean.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right. And you push through that mean sometimes. And they're pretty. They're pretty. They'll give you that shirt off their back, but they're going to complain about it the whole way. Right?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's fine if that's your mom and she could handle all three of her kids sitting down and saying, we can't watch this anymore either. You make some pretty significant changes about how you feed and care and talk to our father. We're going to intervene and if she can't hear that, which most 70 year olds can't, then it's. We're. We're not going to ask. We're going to start showing up at a regular interval and it's going to be really expensive, really inconvenient, but we're going to bring a book that dad would like. We're going to read to him until he falls asleep, we're going to get him a subscription to Audible, and we're going to upload a book for him every week.

[Caller]

Okay? Okay. That's fine. So this is. This is gonna make me cry a little.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's okay.

[Caller]

My dad was.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Was always.

[Caller]

Always the big strong guy. Right?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right.

[Caller]

So it's hard to. To do that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It is.

[Caller]

Is that. Is that weird? Is that weird or wrong? I can't find the word of me to be uncomfortable with that at first.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, so let. Make a fist for me, okay. And put it right in the middle of your chest and hear me say this. There are no bad feelings. None.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You can feel whatever you feel. You can be grossed out when you have to start changing his diapers in a few years. There is no bad feelings. There's just actions of character or actions that lack character.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so you can be heartbroken as you take this pillar who was the man in your life, the rock that you watched, put up with a mean lady for all those years, and yet he kept showing up and being kind, even when he had to retreat to his books, he had to retreat to his gardens just to escape her meanness.

[Caller]

I didn't realize she was mean all this time.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know, but if it happened to y', all, it probably happened to him 2x or 10x.

[Caller]

Yeah, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So you're allowed. You're allowed to be heartbroken that this pillar of strength is no more. All that is right and good. What matters for you right now is what's your next right move?

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And underneath all of the mean and callousness and ego and all whatever words you want to throw out there, he was her rock, too, because she knows she can't get away with that crap with the neighbors.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And she is now untethered also. And that might be the compassionate way to enter into the conversation.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Like, hey, mom, your. Your rock's gone too, and he's not coming back.

[Caller]

Yeah. And she's often. I mean, since she's often said, oh, you know, I'm so tired. I have one brain for two people now because I recognize Everything falls on her. The doctor's appointments, the driving, the. The everything. And I get that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so you have to decide. You and your siblings have to decide. Are you and your siblings. And since you're. You're blessed to have resources across the four of you, your parents, and then y', all, we're going to hire an outside professional for some of these things. We're gonna stop asking. We're gonna start doing okay. And she. And you're gonna have to weather her bad attitude. It's not about her. It's about your old man.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And here. Here's the. Here's the. The. Here's the exercise I want you to do on your own. Okay.

[Caller]

Yep.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I want you to. When we get off the phone, and it might not be right now, but when you have 10 or 15 or 20 or 30 minutes by yourself, okay. There's not gonna be any kid running in there being like, mom, can I have a snack? Like, none of that.

[Caller]

Right? Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I want you to close your eyes and put yourself with a rose in your hand, dressed up in your nicest black dress at his funeral.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And are you going to wish you had of. Are you going to be so grateful that you did?

[Caller]

Okay. Is it. Is it okay? Well, you said Celines are okay. I feel like. I feel like this is. That this is going to be a hard conversation. Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's going to be a brutal conversation because you already know how it's going to go.

[Caller]

Okay. That makes me feel better.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But it's. It's less about. And the more siblings you have with you, the more united you'll feel.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And this is not a question of permission. This is a question of. This is a statement of doing.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And it might be that this. When. When people who are mean and I'll go as far to say violent, and whether violent emotionally or cruel, sometimes getting called out escalates the behavior.

[Caller]

Oh, I didn't think about that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So y' all are gonna have to have a. Oh, you're gonna eat this big, fancy lunch tomorrow because Angie thinks she needs to come over and save you. You're not eating nothing today. Right. That could happen. So y' all also, you and your siblings have to have a trigger for when we're gonna make a hard phone call to local social worker.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Dad's moving in with us. We're moving dad into a. A permanent nursing residency.

[Caller]

Well, I. I know what I got to do now.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. And. And. And I don't. This is me being. I. I only have a job because most of the time these things don't go well. Or when they do go well, I don't hear about them very much. Yeah, I anticipate in your future a very, very hard conversation that says, we're moving dad into a facility. We are intervening here like it's reached to a point of elder abuse. He's got to eat, he's got to be taken care of, he's got to get help in the bathroom. He's got to get somebody to care for his, his physical health, especially as he gets older. And by the way, 70 to 80 is very different aging than 80 to 90 because it's easy to look at an 84 year old or an 85 year old and think, oh, if he's got five more years, they're going to be like the last five years. They're not. They fall off a cliff. And so we might need to get care sooner. And that might be an affront to her ego or her little picture that she's built or whatever. I anticipate a hard conversation coming. And so prepare yourself for that, not to avoid it. But man, I'm gonna head right through the middle of it. And again, the more your brothers and sisters are aligned with you on this, the more you all have a team. So when this thing goes south, the conversation goes south. The actual implementation of going over there to read to him, going there and going for a quarter mile walk, that takes an hour and a half. The more we do stuff like that, the more we hire out the yard work. Now he's 85, the more you're going to get resistance. But we're going to have, we're going to have a team. You're awesome, man. Your heart's so good. Your heart is so good. And I don't envy your next right move. But I'm. I'm. It's an honor to talk to you. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. I am always, always talking about sleep. Why? Cause it matters. I have struggled with sleep issues for years. And when I don't sleep, I'm impatient, I'm distracted. I eat a bunch of nonsense food that I'm not even hungry for. And I'm not the dad, the husband, or the friend or the coworker that I want and need to be. And this is why I'm super jazzed to tell you about something that has truly helped me sleep better. Beams. Nighttime dream powder. I use it. My friends that are professional athletes use it. My wife uses it. I'm telling everybody about dreams. Nighttime Sleep Powder why? Because it works and it's delicious. Dream is a blend of science backed ingredients like magnesium, theanine, apigenin, reishi and melatonin that help you fall asleep faster and stay asleep deeper and longer. I love all their flavors but my go to is sea salt caramel mixed with some almond milk before bed. It's awesome. Beam has no weird chemicals and here's the best part. I wake up sharp, not groggy. Right now Beam is offering up to 50% off their best selling Dream powder with my code [e-mail] Deloney this is the lowest price they've ever offered and it's only for my audience. Go to Shop S H O P Shop Beam b e a m.com deloney and use code Deloney and start sleeping better right now. All right Kelly, Something cool happened.

[Kelly]

Yes. So back in the spring we had a caller on named Ashley and she was trying to figure out how to become the fun mom. She said that she was the one.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That was always yeah, I remember this one.

[Kelly]

Yeah. So she sent in an email and some pictures which I'm also going to include. This is great. She says. Hi all. I wanted to share an update from our call this spring for your cool Crap that happened segment. After our phone conversation, I told my husband about your suggestion to intentionally schedule family fun activities. His face lit up immediately because he knows how much I have struggled in this area. During our kids spring break, I took them out for a full day of fun. We went to Dave and Buster's and before we even left the house I told told my son he could have a Coke, which is a big treat for him. We played games, talked and laughed all afternoon. They spotted a human claw machine and ended up winning a giant inflatable alien and a banana. On the way home, we made a couple of quick stops and let the kids each pick out something small in the car. Our son announced that it was the best day ever. I felt so much relief to be able to simply enjoy the moment instead of worrying. It's a day our kids will remember forever. We are also a big music family. I used to put in my earbuds while cleaning, which really pulled me away from everyone. Now I connect my phone to a speaker so the whole house can hear. It's led to spontaneous singing, laughing and dancing. Little moments that I didn't realize I was missing. Recently, after a very stressful day at work, I walked in to find the living room completely covered in playing cards. Instead of getting upset, I asked the kids, what they were building, it turned into a whole conversation about their creation. It hit me later that my first thought wasn't about the mess. It was about how much fun they were having.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, dude, that's awesome.

[Kelly]

During our call, you pointed out that I tend to take on all the responsibility for our home and family and that I might not be letting my husband help shoulder the load. And you were absolutely right. I've opened up more to him about where I'm struggling, and now I come home more often than not to laundry already started or the dishwasher emptied. That one conversation has had a lasting impact on our family. While I still have a long way to go, your words continue to influence us in such a positive way. Thank you, truly, for helping us change the way our family lives and connects. P.S. kelly, I'm sorry this is so long. You truly are a rock star.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You always add those things. Nobody ever says that, but good for you, dude. That is awesome. And hey, okay, I'm in the middle of a big marriage project now. I'm keeping under wraps, but I'm working on it. Now, that is something that has come up over and over in the data, which is there's millions of husbands who want to do the next thing, and they honestly. And this sounds like an excuse, they don't know. And if they do it, they don't do it just right or whatever. And so being able to be a spouse who comes home and says, all right, I need to relinquish some of the control here, which means the laundry may not be done as I imagined it in my head, but it's going to get done. Would you help? Or the dish. The cup may be put on the bottom shelf in the dishwasher, but you know what? It's going to be freaking clean. It's going to end up upside down in the wrong cabinet, but it'll get put away. That's awesome. That's amazing. Good. Shout out to him. Shout out to her. That. This whole call makes me super happy, man, because the kids are going to win. Their marriage is going to win. And I love it. I love it. I love it. Good call. And, Kelly, you're a rock star.

[Kelly]

Boy, that cost you something.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Didn't like Keith Richards, like, like.

[Kelly]

See, there it is.

[Dr. John Deloney]

An old, old, but a rock star nonetheless. He can still jam. He can still jam. Love you guys. Bye.