My Fiancé Has Dangerous Hobbies

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show (Ramsey Network)

Episode: "My Fiancé Has Dangerous Hobbies"

Release Date: November 3, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show dives into practical, heart-level questions about relationships, family dynamics, and personal growth, as Dr. John answers listener calls on real-life dilemmas. Topics include:

• Navigating a partner’s risky hobbies before marriage and family.
• Financial stress, family planning, and marital communication.
• Challenges of healing past trauma while parenting and maintaining sobriety.

With his signature honest and compassionate style, Dr. John guides callers through tough conversations, emphasizing authenticity, teamwork, and actionable solutions.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Balancing Risky Hobbies and Family Life (Maria, 00:05–10:21)

Main Concerns:

• Maria expresses concern about her fiancé’s dangerous hobbies (motocross, sport bike racing) and their compatibility with family life following a recent crash.
• She wonders if it's appropriate to ask him to change his hobbies as they prepare to start a family.

Discussion Breakdown:

• Open Communication in Marriage: Dr. John stresses the importance of openly sharing fears with a partner, especially as marriage approaches.
• Honesty About Expectations: Maria is encouraged to articulate her actual vision of family life. Dr. John cautions against ambiguity—if her vision inherently excludes these hobbies, she must state it clearly.
• Recognizing Core Traits: Dr. John explains how such thrill-seeking behaviors are often ingrained and part of why Maria loves her fiancé. Suppressing them entirely could "lose the spirit of the guy you fell in love with" (07:46).
• Finding a Middle Ground: Dr. John notes the balance between “fun and reckless,” encouraging Maria to support her partner's enjoyment while discussing reasonable safety limits.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John (03:11):
  “Entering into your marriage, I don't ever want you to be hedging or wondering, am I allowed to say this thing?... That, to me, is the root challenge here.”
• Dr. John (06:15):
  “If your picture of ‘be ready to have a family’ means you don’t do that kind of stuff anymore, you need to tell him that now.”
• Dr. John (07:46):
  “Because I think you’re going to lose the spirit of the guy you fell in love with.”

Actionable Advice:

• Maria should discuss her fears with her fiancé after his recovery, laying everything honestly on the table.
• Accept that injuries may still happen, but mutual understanding and agreed-upon boundaries can create lasting partnership satisfaction.

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2. Financial Stress and Family Planning (Frank, 14:14–28:39)

Main Concerns:

• Frank wants to support his wife’s desire for a third child (a girl), but feels stressed about debt ($110,000 in student loans) and his ability to be present as a father while potentially needing a second job.
• His wife, having just completed her master’s degree, wants to stay home with a future baby, putting added financial pressure on him.

Discussion Breakdown:

• Avoiding False Dilemmas: Dr. John reframes Frank’s “either-or” thinking (either have another child or struggle financially) as a trap that leads to anxiety.
• Acknowledging Competing Dreams: Frank and his wife made joint decisions—both to take on student debt for her master’s and to expand their family. The financial consequences affect both.
• Developing a Roadmap: Dr. John recommends a plan where Frank’s wife works for a designated period, with all her income targeted at debt repayment, enabling them to clear most debt in 20 months before having another child.
• Communication Is Key: Both need to clearly express their dreams and fears—not just logistical concerns, but the underlying emotional realities.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John (22:17): “The challenge is she chained herself—y’all chained yourselves—to $85,000 behind you. And so this dream… is dragging this $85,000 kettlebell behind you.”
• Dr. John (24:12): “Being your husband is the greatest call of my life and I love it… The second thing, being a father is the greatest job I’ll ever have and I love it—and I would love to have a third kid if that’s true… But we have a math problem, a big one.”

Actionable Advice:

• Draw up a clear, time-bound budget plan with all new income directed towards paying off debt.
• Affirm emotional support and align on shared goals, reducing misunderstandings.
• Recognize the physical and emotional realities of “waiting” in family planning, and forge a united, hopeful approach.

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3. Healing Trauma, Sobriety, and Parenting (Gina, 32:05–47:32)

Main Concerns:

• Gina, a mother of three, has recently quit drinking but struggles with relapse while working through childhood trauma in therapy (using EMDR).
• She feels emotionally raw, overwhelmed by parenting and work stress, and seeks coping strategies that aren’t alcohol.

Discussion Breakdown:

• Critique of Therapy Approach: Dr. John raises two “alarm bells”:
  1. Therapy shouldn’t dive straight into trauma work (like EMDR) without first teaching coping skills for emotional overwhelm.
  2. “Quitting in theory” isn’t enough; lasting sobriety often requires cutting off access and building new supports.
• Normalizing Parental Overwhelm: Gina is reassured that feeling angry, annoyed, or desperate as a mother is normal—not shameful.
• Developing Coping Skills: Before further trauma work, Gina should request breathing, grounding, journaling, and other practical techniques.
• Radical Self-Honesty: Telling herself “I ‘can’t’” is classified as “addict language” by Dr. John—she is encouraged to consider if a brief, drastic intervention (like 30 days away) could reshape her trajectory.
• Redefining Healing: Healing does not mean never feeling old pain, but being able to respond in new, self-protective ways.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John (34:47): “No therapist ever should go through trauma narratives or go through EMDR or go through any of these healing modalities without spending weeks giving you very specific techniques and skills… on how to live when this stuff starts coming back up.”
• Dr. John (42:03): “When people say those things, almost always it’s not true. Almost always ‘I can’t, so I have to…’ is addict language.”
• Dr. John (45:40): “Healing is when those things come, I can go do the next right thing.”

Actionable Advice:

• Pause trauma-focused work until solid coping strategies are in place.
• Remove alcohol from the home, put up practical barriers, and consider support groups.
• Clarify with family what intervention/support is needed for recovery—don’t “white knuckle.”
• See healing as the ability to choose healthy responses, not as the absence of difficult memories.

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4. Parenting, Identity, and Letting Go (Story with Kelly, 51:07–54:39)

Main Insights:

• Dr. John reflects on taking his son to a punk rock concert—a long-held dream—only to realize it might not be his son’s passion.
• Highlights the challenge and reward of not projecting one’s own interests onto children, but allowing them to discover their own.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John (53:50): “It’s cool to share experience, but don’t put your things on your kids in that way.”

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5. Practical Parenting Tips (Kelly’s “Cool Tip,” 54:41–55:23)

A listener shares a success story after following Dr. John’s advice to hire a preteen to play with young children, giving parents a regular break—a “tiny place where the light can shine through.”

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Memorable Moments & Quotes by Timestamp

• On permission to express concerns:
  Dr. John (03:11): “I don't ever want you to be hedging or wondering, am I allowed to say this thing?... That, to me, is the root challenge here.”

• On losing oneself in compromise:
  Dr. John (07:46): “Because I think you’re going to lose the spirit of the guy you fell in love with.”

• On competing dreams and consequences:
  Dr. John (22:17): “Y’all chained yourselves to $85,000 behind you... this dream… is dragging this $85,000 kettlebell behind you.”

• On therapy pacing and skills:
  Dr. John (34:47): “No therapist ever should go through trauma narratives… without spending weeks giving you very specific techniques and skills… on how to live when this stuff starts coming back up.”

• On “addict language” and agency:
  Dr. John (42:03): “Almost always ‘I can’t, so I have to…’ is addict language.”

• On the reality of healing:
  Dr. John (45:40): “Healing is when those things come, I can go do the next right thing.”

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Recommended Listening Order (Timestamps)

• [00:05–10:21] Maria on risky hobbies, partnership, and family priorities
• [14:14–28:39] Frank on finances, debt, and expanding his family
• [32:05–47:32] Gina on trauma, sobriety, and practical coping
• [51:07–54:39] Dr. John and Kelly discuss parenting, generational hobbies, and growing self-awareness
• [54:41–55:23] Listener tip: using local teens to support overwhelmed parents

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Final Thoughts

Dr. John’s counsel revolves around direct communication, emotional honesty, and practical action—whether navigating marital dynamics, family debt, or personal healing. The episode is filled with real, relatable struggles and hopeful, actionable next steps.

“The world is gonna change through how you choose to interact with your spouse, with your kids, and with the person at the grocery store… We get to choose the next right thing.”
(Dr. John, 55:23)

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Transcript

[Maria]

I was wondering how to ask my partner to start changing his hobbies. He races sport bikes, races motocross, and he was involved in a pretty serious crash. I just wanted to make sure that he's ready to prioritize having a family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, But I want you to be careful about that language. Okay? What up? What's going on? This is jon with a Dr. DeLoney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee. Pulling up a seat next to you, some little diner somewhere talking about what's going on in your life, your mental and emotional health, your. The trauma you're going through right now, your marriage, your relationships, whatever you got going on. I'll sit with you and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on the show, go to john deloney.com/a S K. And of course, the obligatory hit the subscribe button or the follow button just makes such a huge difference for the team. But more importantly from us, we're doing fine. It's all the people out there who get this show kicked up in their algorithms and they'll get to pull up a seat with us. And one by one by one, we're gonna turn this country around. Let's go to Laramie, Wyoming. Actually, we got international listeners. We're gonna turn this whole world around. Let's go to Laramie, Wyoming and talk to Maria. What's up, Maria?

[Maria]

Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm great. How are you?

[Maria]

Oh, it's a beautiful day to be living in Wyoming out here. It's gorgeous.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, I've so over romanticized Wyoming. It's a place I want to go, spend some time and I'm afraid if I go there, I won't want to ever leave. So one day.

[Maria]

Yeah, it's the best.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Maria]

Well, I have a question for you today. That's what I called. I was wondering how or if it's appropriate or if I even can ask my partner to start changing some of his hobbies and focusing a little bit more on family time as our life changes a little bit.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about it.

[Maria]

So I got engaged a little bit earlier this year. We're getting married at the end of this year. Both of us are super, super excited to have kids and kind of start that phase of our life now. He has a lot of different hobbies, though, and I'm a little bit worried that some of those might get in the way of ra raising our family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about them. I mean, is it video games? Is it like what are the hobbies?

[Maria]

No, my concern. They're a little bit, they're a little bit dangerous. He races sport bikes, races motocross, four wheelers, all sorts of stuff like that. And he was involved in a pretty serious significant crash and accident related to those.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Maria]

So that happened recently. He's gonna heal fine and everything like that. But if that was something that happened, you know, a few, few years down the line with two kids at home, it would have been a totally different story. So I don't know if it's appropriate to ask him to start giving some of that up, because I totally, you know, I want him to enjoy his life. I don't want to ask him to give up the things that he loves doing either.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. A entering into your marriage, I don't ever want you to be hedging or wondering, am I allowed to say this thing?

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or do I need to keep a, A concern I have about the man I love, about our future family? Do I need to keep that silent so that he can fill in the blank? That, to me, is the root challenge here. Okay. Just plain speak. My wife has asked me over the years to think. She's never said, no, you cannot do. Right. But she has asked me to think through a decision I was about to make about something I was going to do, whether it was wise or not wise. Almost always it's not wise. Right. And at the same time, I want you to be honest about who you're marrying.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair? Yeah. So I, I, I am not a motorcycle guy. I never have been. The motorcycle guys I know that, like, have cut and ride with a group. And one of my closest friends, his name's Pete. He is a bike, a mountain biker. Like, not like me, like, putting around the neighborhood, but like a very extreme guy. And he does crazy jumps, he does crazy stuff. And he broke almost every bone in his body a few months ago, so. And he's got a little girl, and he's dialed it back. Some of that's because of age and that's because of safety, so. But those guys, it's wired into them, you know what I mean?

[Maria]

For sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Last night I was up till this morning at a wild, wild punk rock show. And I'm too old to be down in mosh pits. And that's where I was. And my wife's not going to take that from me. But she's also, because she knows that's the guy she married.

[Frank]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I took her to a show right before we got married. And also she knows I'm going to be a little more careful and I'm going to be a little smarter. And that kind of. Does that make sense?

[Maria]

Yeah, totally.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, yeah. You're well within your right to say, hey, this is a wake up call for me. I need to be honest with you about some things that scare me.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And is there a way that there's a. You can do four wheelers, you can do these things and you'll make a commitment to me to not be nuts. And he knows I. Everybody knows there's a difference between I can make that jump and hey, I got a little kid. I'm gonna sit this jump out.

[Maria]

Yeah. I think, like you said, that's the hard part. It's so wired into him that he just, he's got to go do all the crazy stuff. And like, like you mentioned, you know, with your friend. I, I just wanted to make sure that he's around and gets to a point at some point where he's ready to prioritize having a family over, having. Having some fun on a Sunday afternoon, on some jumps with his friends.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. But I want you to be careful about that language. Okay?

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because if, if your picture of be ready to have a family means you don't do that kind of stuff anymore, you need to tell him that now.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if your picture of you need to. When are you going to be ready to quote, unquote, settle down and have a family means I still want you out with your buddies, I still want you out riding bikes. This, this, this accident you had scared me to death. Are there some things we can. You can do, you'd be willing to sacrifice when it comes to doing all these things. And it's probably worth you watching the movie Free Solo with Alex and his new girlfriend and fiance because it's a good meditation on her understanding. This is what I'm signing up for.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

AS and he's got two little kids now. And if you heard some interviews recently, he's talked. He. He climbs up these insane mountains with no ropes. That's what he does. If you haven't seen it, it's an extraordinary documentary. But also he has scaled some things back. He's got two little girls now.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But he's still out climbing every day. I tell you that. But I want you to be honest. Honest? Honest. Honest about what? Your real picture, not the words, but the real picture of when is he going to settle down and prioritize us. Because if that means getting off a bicycle, if that means never going vroom Vroom. Getting away from engines. You all need you only to have that conversation.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because I think you're going to lose the spirit of the guy you fell in love with.

[Maria]

Yeah. And I don't want that to happen at all either, because that's. I'm a little bit more reserved and shy. And so I absolutely fell in love with him because he's a little bit more on the wild side.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And all of us who are a little bit on the wild side or a lot on the wild side are our genes don't propagate if we don't have people like you in our lives saying, hey, what if. What if we just went to bed tonight?

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or what if you did those jumps, but not that one? Right. And it's there. There's an extraordinary, beautiful balance. And I would. If he called and said, my fiance is telling me to not be so crazy, I would say, yes, she gets to do that. And you get to make a choice is there's a fine line between excitement, there's fine line between super fun, and there's a line of reckless. And I've. I've crossed that line many times. But as I've got little kids, I. I chose by having children to come back from the reckless edge.

[Frank]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, yeah, you're. You're well within your right. I would say it's an obligation that you have to put your fears on the table.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you are honest with yourself in the dark night of your soul and say, I can't. I don't want to. Let me put it this way. My mom, her husband, my dad, was a SWAT hostage negotiator and homicide detective when I was getting out of college, my mom actually said, you can do what you want with your life. I'm gonna ask you to not be in this profession. And I said, why? And she said, every single day for the last 25 years, I've held my breath until your dad gets home. And that had never occurred to me. Now, if I'd gone into law enforcement, if I'd gone to FBI, whatever, she would have been my number one supporter. But that was like, man, that's a real thing, right? It's a real thing.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I want you just to be honest about it. Can you do that?

[Maria]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's amazing. Do you want him to never ride a bike again?

[Maria]

No, I want him to ride a bike again. I just want him to do it. I want him to do it safely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. And I can. I tell you there's going to be more broken bones. I promise you.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Promise you there. And I don't know that you'd want that life without it or if you, if you dumped him and you went and like, married an accountant. Not that there's anything wrong with accountants, but like, there would be you being like, oh, you just set something on fire in here.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When he's showing you a spreadsheet. Right. You, that's, that's what you, you know, you'd want that. It's just that fine balance. But my, the bigger thing here is you putting this all on the table. So proud of you for having the conversation. And I'm going to be real proud of you when. Wait, wait till the acute wounds have healed. Right. Maybe when he's out of some casts and y' all leave the house and y' all go to breakfast and you say, okay, I've got some fears I'm going to put on the table and lay it out there for him. You're a great, great fiance and y' all are going to have a great future together. Unless you don't want him riding bikes. And then there's going to be that. When we come back, a man asks how to navigate a disagreement with his wife about having another foreign. I've never talked about this on my show ever before, but I love my dogs. Right now I've got three dogs. I've had dogs my whole life. I had my ride or die dog in college, the dog I got when I got married. And like I said, now I've got a house full of three dogs. And we've got turtles, snakes. We got all kinds of pets at our house. And when you have kids and tons of pets, you're gonna need pet care. And if you're like me and you love your pets, you have found yourself trying to find a vet in the middle of night, spending all day trying to find vets for regular care. And it's impossible to get an appointment. And all any of us want is just some information and care from people we trust for our pets. And this is why I love Dutch. Dutch is the leading pet telehealth service that gives you 24,7 access to licensed vets anytime, anywhere. Dutch can treat over 150 common pet conditions, giving you expert care in minutes with no waiting rooms and no long waits to get in. That's amazing. With a 10 minute call from your home, you can be on your way to a treatment plan. The Dutch membership covers up to five pets. You get unlimited visits, unlimited follow ups and prescriptions. Shipped free. And with my code, all of that is less than seven bucks a month. The average pet owner saves over $800 a year. With Dutch. If you have ever felt helpless trying to get care for your beloved pet, Dutch gives you the peace of mind you've been looking for. Go to Dutch.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get $50 off a year of vet care. Again, that's Dutch.com DeLoney use code DeLoney. Go. Love your pets. We talk a lot on this show about boundaries. Emotional, relational, financial boundaries. But there's one boundary that almost nobody talks. The boundaries around your digital life right now. Your personal information, things like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school. That kind of information is sitting on countless gnarly websites that you've never heard of. You didn't give them permission to have that information, but it's out there. And let's be honest, it's not just annoying or frustrating, it's violating. That constant exposure creates anxiety that just hums in the background of your life. Always wondering who has what about you. Something always feels off. And that's why I use Delete me. Delete me goes after the data brokers and people, finder sites that collect and resell your information. They track down your info, they remove it, and every few months, Delete me will send you a report showing you exactly what they've done for you. Taking control of your digital life is about boundaries, and boundaries are about Peace. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 20% off. Off. That's join J O I N join DeleteMe.com DeLoney to save 20% off. All right, let's go to Philadelphia and talk to Frank the Tank. What's up, Frank?

[Frank]

What's going on, Dr. John?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up, brother? How we doing?

[Frank]

Pretty good, man. I just want to first and foremost say thank you for being so vulnerable with your therapy and stuff. For the first time in my life, I went and seek help with therapy. So you being so vulnerable and helping us guys out there, that is hard for us to seek those type of things, man.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I appreciate you. Hey, it's hard for me too, man. It's hard for me too. And I appreciate you guys walking alongside me, man. I'm trying to figure it out like the rest of us in real time.

[Frank]

100 right, man? 100 right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I appreciate you, bro. What's up?

[Frank]

I got a question about my wife. So how do I have a discussion with my wife? About her desire to expand our family, but also emphasizing the need to manage our student loan debt and save for a home. And additionally, if having a baby soon is her only options, how can I navigate the challenge of being a present father and husband while also taking a second job that requires me more to be away from my family?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Frank]

That's, like, the most difficult part about it. You know what I mean?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, totally. So, number one, this is a really important question. I'm grateful that you called. Number two, before we dive in, I want to back out, and I want you to. I want you to sit with me and look at the frame. You've given yourself. Okay. You've given yourself an either or. Either we don't have a kid or I have to take a second job and I'm not going to be a good dad.

[Maria]

Correct.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that when. Whenever we do that, we either or ourselves. It's a way we get trapped, and then our bodies start to react with fight or flight. And you feel, like, angry about stuff or you feel like, I'm just going to shut down and get out of here. I don't even talk to you. You see what I'm saying? You know what those feelings I'm talking about?

[Frank]

Absolutely. I just, like, I struggle between, you know, giving my wife, you know, what she desires. As, you know, it's been in our family because she wants a girl. We got two boys right now, six and two, and she wants to have a girl and she wants to go for the third. But, you know, I'm 31 years old now, and all I do is think about, you know, our financial side about retirement and stuff like that. I'm a huge follower of you and Dave Ramsey.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Frank]

So I try to balance those two things of being able to. And I do want to expand our family, but it's, you know, I like to wait three or four years to be able to pay off some student loans and be able to save for a house, but it's just a difficult situation.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. For real, man. All right, so let's. Let's back all the way out of this thing. Has the first two kids coming along. How old are they?

[Frank]

One's about to be six at the end of. The end of October, and one's about to be two at the end of December.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. This is. I'm going to throw some stuff up against the wall, and I want you to tell me if it sticks or not, okay?

[Frank]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Almost always when I have this conversation with somebody, underneath everything, the finances is a hundred percent real. Right? It's a, it's a. It's a absolute nightmare for families right now, especially young families like you. Underneath the question, beneath the question, beneath the question, is there's been a significant change in your marriage relationship. Often guys feel like I lost my wife or the first two pregnancies were not super great, or they were hard or they were tough to navigate, or we lost each other for a year or two, and right when we were coming back, we had another kid. So tell me about the pregnancies. And this is. Listen, this is not badmouthing your wife, and this is not you in any way saying, I'm not happy to be a dad of two rambunctious fun boys. It's not it at all, but it's just being honest. How is, how is the birth? How was the pregnancy? How was the year after those kids were born?

[Frank]

So we moved to Texas for my job, and we ended up. As soon as we moved down there, we were, you know, two years out of college and six months into us moving to Texas, we had the babies. I wasn't making, you know, good money by then, so it was stressful trying to deal with the money situation and everything like that. And then we moved to Colorado for a couple years, and then we moved back home to Pennsylvania. When we had the second one, I was doing a little bit better financially. Right now, I'm financially making really good money. My wife has been a stay at home mom for two years, and right now I just feel like we can't get ahead. The whole pregnancy thing was the greatest thing because.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, awesome.

[Frank]

When I was, when I was younger, I couldn't. I didn't know if I could have kids. So this was kind of like a blessing in disguise, you know what I mean?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yep.

[Frank]

So it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Pretty much saved my life. Um, but, yeah, it's, it's. It's the, the whole pregnancy part has been amazing. It's just me. Just the financial side is really the hardest, hardest point for me to overcome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, that's. That's awesome, dude. That's. That's like. That makes me feel better. All right, so that takes one, like a big variable off the table. You feel connected to your wife, you love being a dad, all that stuff.

[Frank]

Okay, awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. That makes that, that makes my soulful. That's right. Okay, so the next step here is walk me through your. Your money situation. What's your financial situation?

[Frank]

So I make a little over six figures right now, which is the most I've ever made in my whole entire life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is it stable?

[Frank]

Yes, it's stable. I work 50 to 60 hours a week right now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What do you do?

[Frank]

I'm a production manager for a manufacturing company. So we get the fruit from Peru, Uruguay, South Africa, and we actually pack it into the bags that you actually see at the food store.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Very cool.

[Frank]

Very, you know, multimillion dollar company work really hard for them and they're very happy with what I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Perfect.

[Frank]

Yeah, man, I'm very happy with what I make. It just seems like nowadays with, you know, inflation and everything like that, we just can't ever get ahead.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does get ahead mean? Like, you don't have enough money for.

[Frank]

Like that in terms of emergency fund, just us to be able to have like a cushion. We don't have that. And you know, God forbid something happens with one of our cars. It's just, you know, I don't want to, I want to get the whole credit card debt.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, for sure. Well, tell me about what you owe.

[Frank]

So I owe about $30,000 in student loans. And my wife just went back and got her master's degree. She just passed her exam probably about last month, and she's about 85. So between the two of us were about $110,000 in debt.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What was the purpose of getting a master's degree and going almost 100 grand in the hole? To be a stay at home mom.

[Frank]

So she, she, she'll. She'll be making very, very good money. She'll be. We can pretty much double our income if she was to go back to work. But the hard part about this whole conversation having with her is that she doesn't want to. If we do have another baby, she doesn't want to send the baby to daycare. She wants to stay home with the baby. And that's fine with me. It just puts a lot of the stress and pressure on me to be able to provide, you know, like I feel like I should be. You know what I mean?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, totally. So I'm gonna say something that's gonna get me in trouble, and that's fine. I'll take the heat on it. And I, I know y' all make these decisions together and I don't mean to divide you here, but I'm gonna speak it this way intentionally. Okay?

[Frank]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She had two competing dreams. One to have a master's degree. I've got one. My wife has one. I love that dream. Okay? One, to be a, an employee somewhere doing something, making really good money. I had that Dream. My wife had that dream and she has a competing dream, which is she wants to be a stay at home mother of three, maybe four kid household. Another, another amazing dream. The challenge is she chained herself. Y' all change your chained yourselves to $85,000 behind you. And so this dream she has, the dream y' all have moving forward is dragging this $85,000 kettlebell behind you. Get what I'm saying?

[Frank]

Absolutely. 100. I know exactly. You hit it right on the head.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so the reality of the situation y' all have is y' all dug together a hundred and fifteen thousand dollar hole. And I think you're wise to say, whoa, whoa, whoa. Before we bring another human into this mess, we at least need to start scrounging and scratching and clawing to fill this hole in.

[Frank]

Correct. And then I asked what was my whole point to her. I mean, we're 31 years old. And my solution, you know, three or four years. If she was to go back to work full time in two years, if we really tackled it like Dave Ramsey likes to do, we can pay off at all of our debts and you know, a year and a half.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's the yes.

[Frank]

You don't want to wait that. She don't want to wait that long. That's the issue. You know what I mean?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. But it can be both.

[Frank]

He's gonna be too old. Correct. I agree.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I know. In, in, in her defense, when you walk in and you're pregnant at 34, 35, they start calling you a geriatric pregnancy. Everybody circles the wagons and tell you that you're probably going to die. Like they just. I remember my wife was pregnant. It was, it was wild. The, the language that doctors used. And my wife would come home like with her head down, and it's just the, it's the language. And so I get that. Totally right. Totally get it. And that's just me as an observer. I don't even have a lived experience there. I'm just a dude. I didn't get it. But listening to how they talk to her was tough. Right. And that y' all have a math problem. And here, here's what I want to break down the timeline. Okay. If you sit down with her and say having. Being your husband is the greatest call of my life and I love it. Is that true? If I, if you were to say that to her.

[Frank]

100. She knows that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Frank]

She knows that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. But sometimes we think our wives know that. And it's good to like not just say it in passing. But to go out somewhere, get away from the house and look her dead in the eye. Okay. The second thing is being a father is the greatest job I'll ever have and I love it. And I would love to have a third kid if that's true. Say that out loud. And we have a math problem, a big one. And so here's what If I look at the timeline. If you were to present a, and I know this is a curse word these days, if you were to present a budget and said if you go, and I'm going to pretend she got a master's in nursing, okay, you going to go make $90,000 for two years. Our two year old, our six year old's in school. Our two year old is going to be at a Mother's Day out program half the day and we're going to have a babysitter.

[Frank]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Every single penny you make of 85 or 90,000 bucks, every penny goes into the student loan fund, all of it. And you, I don't know what you're into, whether you're into hunting or basketball or NFL games or what. I don't know. I'm not going to go to any games. I'm going to put this much money into this pot. We're going to, we're going to really fill this hole in and make a compromise and say when we get this number down to 70, I'm all in. I'm sorry, when we get 70 of this wiped out, we got 50 left. I'm all in. Or we pay these things off, I'm all in. And by the way, if y' all get on a really ninja type budget, what you're talking about is waiting to get pregnant for six months. You're talking about eight months. Because then you got the time it's going to take to get pregnant. Maybe you get lucky on month one, but this, the data would tell me probably not. So you take two or three months and then you got nine months. Right? So you got time is what I'm saying.

[Frank]

Absolutely. And now we agree and that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now we got a map.

[Frank]

Yeah, that was, that was my whole point. It's because we, I make a decent amount of money and we live very not frugal. You know, we don't spend a lot of money. We would, she would work and legit. Every single penny that she would make would go towards that student loan fund.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but I want, but here, here's what happens in these conversations. She says, I want to have a third kid. My clock is ticking and that's a true statement, right? It's real.

[Frank]

That's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And your response is very real. We can't afford that. This second, in a couple years, we could. And what she hears is, he doesn't want a third kid. And what you're hearing is she doesn't understand how scary things are financially for our family. And so when you sit down with a map, it's a. I want this, too, and here's how we can get there. But I need you to understand, I can't. The same fear you have about your clocks ticking. I feel like I got a ticking bomb in the middle of our living room. And it's called one broken toe on one of our rambunctious boys that will set us back in a way we can never. We can never dig out.

[Frank]

Yeah, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I. It. But it's saying, I'm on your team, and yet I'm looking at the math here, and this isn't. We're not safe. Right. And you look at her and put your fist in your chest and say, I don't feel safe with this. With two crazy boys. We are one broken arm away from a hole that we can't ever dig out of.

[Frank]

Yeah, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But here's the path, and here's a map. Are you in? If I'm in. And really, the. Logistically, if y' all sit down and say, we can do this in 20 months, we're going to go scorched earth. We're going to do this in 20 months. And every day, she's going to go to work with tears in her eyes because she's dropping her kid off. I get that. I get that. And we're gonna. We're gonna have 19 months of hell, spiritual hell. Like, literal hell. We're not gonna go out to eat where all those exhausted nights when y' all are like, screw this, let's just go out to eat. All that's gone, right? And then in. In about nine months, six to nine months, y' all are doing the best, you know. You know, trying full force to have another kid. And then she's going to have a pregnancy. She's gonna be exhausted, be tired. She's gonna be working full time. And then right when that baby's born, you're all going to have this number either completely gone or at a manageable level where you can exhale and say, all right, we're in.

[Frank]

You're 100.

[Maria]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Frank]

100, right? Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I want you to hear. I want her to hear you say I want this dream, too, but we chained ourselves to a hundred and fifteen, zero zero zero pound kettlebell that I don't feel safe dragging behind two crazy boys. By the way, you may get a third. She wants a girl. You make it, you make it another boy. I'll tell you right now, I love having a son, but, dude, my daughter wrecked my heart, man. It's amazing. So I hope y'. All, I hope you'll get whatever you want, but having a daughter is amazing. But I think there's a path forward. But I think you laying out a road map for her and acknowledging, yeah, your clock is ticking. I get that. And I get all the language. I get all the heat you're gonna get. I get that feeling and sense. And I get that you want to vomit every day you go to work as and I made up the. The job. But as a nurse or whatever, you're gonna vomit every day putting your kid, your baby in the hands of somebody else. I get that. I totally get that. But this is the hole we dug ourselves. And I don't want these boys growing up in a house just full of electric, electric fried money, stress. And I don't feel safe. And I want to be safe taking care of this family. And so, man, game on. Dude, I love, love this question, love this conversation. If she wants to call in, I'd love to talk to her, too. I want you all to do me this honor. Frank, when y' all pay this thing off, we all call into my show. I'd love to celebrate, you guys. And when she gets pregnant, I want you to send me a note, too. Both things, I think, are in your future. It's going to take 19 to 20 months of absolute grind out hell, and then you're going to free the Runway for your family in a way that you never dreamt possible. It's awesome. When we come back, a woman asks how to work through trauma while still being a good mother and wife without drinking anymore. All right, it's fall now. So you're probably wondering why I'm not drinking a pumpkin spice latte. I'm not. Because they're disgusting. But I do have some more truth about the fall. It's so, so busy. I got stuff going on with my family. School, work, holidays. And I know you do, too. In a season that already tends towards anxiety and exhaustion, sleep is more critical than ever. And. And that's why I keep telling you about Helix mattresses. When people come over and crash at my house, they all want to know about this mattress. They're sleeping on. They're that comfortable. Helix mattresses are that good. And here's why. Helix makes mattresses for real people, not quote, unquote, average sleepers, whoever that happens to be. They make real mattresses for you whether you sleep hot, cold, on your side, on your back, or even some of you face sleepers. Not going to judge. But let's be real. Helix customizes their mattresses for you. I took their Helix Sleep quiz. It takes like two minutes. And now even the guest bedroom in our house has a Helix right now. My audience can get 27% off. This is an exclusive offer. You can get 27% off. Go to helix sleep.com deloney for 27% off. The entire site, site wide. That's Helix H E l I x helixsleep.com Deloney and tell them you heard about it right here on this show with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. All right, let's go to Atlanta, Georgia and talk to Gina. What's up, Gina?

[Maria]

Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great. Any chance you used to work down by the docks?

[Maria]

No.

[Frank]

All right.

[Maria]

Thank you so much for taking my call. I'm extremely nervous, but I'm going to try to do this right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, don't be nervous. Don't be nervous. By the way, that doc thing was my Bon Jovi line. I'm sure you've heard that your whole life. So it's cool. All right, so jump into it. Don't be nervous. We just jump right in. What's up?

[Maria]

Okay. I also really want to say thank you for introducing us to what we now in my house call the face hug, because I have an overly anxious 6 year old and it's like revolutionized the way we help her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So amazing.

[Maria]

I really. She goes, I need a face hug.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I was like, oh, that's so good. So good.

[Maria]

Thank you so much. Yeah. So my question is this. There's kind of. It's a little complicated, but I quit drinking at the beginning of 20, 25 of the year because I'm almost 50 and I had my kids late. And just the physical toll of alcohol, it wasn't doing me good. I have a job. I have kids. I have a life. But then recently I found a really amazing therapist who could kind of like see through me. And she immediately started working with me on childhood trauma that I had never really discussed with anybody. And specifically, we're doing emdr, which is amazing. Like, life changing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Maria]

But the only problem is it's like, while I'm Doing this. The only way to say it is I feel like emotionally naked all the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Maria]

And I feel, I mean, I, you know, I wasn't drinking. We have a really. We all have. I mean, everybody has a complicated life, but we have a eight year old, a six year old, a two year old. We both work, we have this, we have that. The kids get sick, the kid, blah, blah, blah. And I was doing fine not drinking, but now it's like when things get hectic because I'm so emotionally raw, I end up having a glass of wine, which turns into two or three. And it. So my question is, you know, while I'm doing this healing process where I'm going to be able to handle all of this craziness around me without needing an unhealthy coping mechanism, like, how do I get through it? I don't know if that question makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, it totally makes sense. There's two big alarm bells going off in my mind. Is it okay if I. I'm gonna work through both of them.

[Maria]

Okay, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Alarm bell number one is a therapist can be the greatest therapist in the world when it comes to connecting with a person. And that's, that's a, that is a skill and it's an art and it's just a talent. People are innately, like, they can connect with you. Right. And it sounds like you've had. You have that, right?

[Maria]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Also doing emdr well, which is if. Google it if you want to. It's. It's an amazing way that people find a lot of relief. Working through trauma is awesome, and being a good EMDR practitioner is amazing. But here's my alarm bell number one. No therapist ever should go through trauma narratives or go through EMDR or go through any of these healing modalities without spending weeks giving you very specific techniques and skills that y' all practice together on how to live when this stuff starts coming back up.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so normally it's like, like if you're working with kids, like the tf, cbt, like the Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, like, if you do that, you don't get to the trauma narrative. You don't start going through what actually happened to you for six or seven weeks because you're teaching kids how to breathe and you're teaching kids how to exhale and deal with tension. And we're going to slowly practice these things so that when this stuff comes back up and we open this, the closet door, that's way, way in the back. That you've got some skills and it Sounds like maybe you got a therapist who's great at connecting and knows some really good techniques, but left you, as you said, emotionally naked when you walk out of that room. And that's not good therapy. And so what I would, what I would tell you is step one is walk into the office and say, I need to pause emdr. I've got to learn some breathing techniques, some movement techniques, some journaling techniques. I've got to learn some of these things and practice them with you so that I can go back and do the hard work. I'll tell you this, it's going to sound awkward and weird. I spent one entire session not talking with my therapist, but we just did this coherent spell breathing. We just breathe the whole time.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it was teaching me I can settle myself down. Okay. And then we got into the gnarly stuff. So that's. Step one is. It's a set of skills. Whatever. Here's alarm bell number two. You have quit drinking in theory, or you quote unquote at the beginning of 25, got sober as an idea. But if you want to get sober after 50 years of drinking, you have to make a commitment that this is out of my life.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what that forces you to do is to come up with some different coping mechanisms. And I say coping. That only like that word. Some different strategies for dealing with just. Life is crazy. And the problem about alcohol is it works, doesn't it? Two glasses of wine will take an eight year old's mayhem and just kind of take the edge off of it. Right.

[Frank]

It make.

[Maria]

It makes it funny.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Frank]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's the thing. It's finding the humor without it. Or it's finding it's not funny. It's just annoying. Eight year olds are annoying. They're. Because they're eight. Right. That's what they do. They're. They're just annoying. And I still love them. And it can be hilarious. But also it makes you want to bang your head against the wall because they're eight. And then you jump a six year old and a two year old on top of that. Are you crazy?

[Maria]

And, and she's almost three, so she talks. So it's three people.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So great. So great. Yes. So. So let me back all the way up. Can I just say this? You're not crazy. You're not a bad mom that you want three kids sometimes to just shut up and go away. You're not a bad wife that you want your husband to just go lay out in front of traffic and maybe a Car will hit him so he'll be quiet and stop pawing at you. And you're not nuts. All of this stuff is real. And it's okay to have three beautiful kids and be so annoyed that you just want to go run screaming into the night. It's okay if you're laying in bed and you just have your eyes closed and you're dreaming about how quickly you could pack a duffel bag and just be gone for a weekend and know where you are.

[Maria]

And the funny thing is, it's like, I wish that I could. I do. I wish I could go away for a month and just do all of the hard work and come, come back and be like, okay, guys, now I'm good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And Gina, if that's what you need, that's not a bad thing. Yeah, I've got some colleagues at a place called the Bridge in Kentucky that are masters. They're amazing. And you go away for 30 days?

[Maria]

Yeah, I don't think we can do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why? Tell me why. I don't even know your situation, but I don't know your. But I bet you could. What do you mean you can't afford it? What do you mean?

[Maria]

Well, I mean, I work. I can't just take 30 days off.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's not. There's not a. There's not a. Like a go get well program at your office.

[Maria]

There could be, however, also, my. My husband wouldn't be able to. To do the kids for 30 days. His job is really demanding as well. And we. We do really well together. Pinch hitting. If a kid gets sick, who can go pick them up, et cetera, but he can't always, for 30 days, be the person that is going to pick them up if something happens, and something always happens.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long have you. How long have you been drinking? Like, if you back out of your life, how long has alcohol been a part of your life?

[Maria]

Since college.

[Frank]

Okay.

[Maria]

I mean, I didn't drink in high school or anything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When did you know this is a problem?

[Maria]

At the end of last year where I was like, wait a minute, I drink every day now. What's that about? And I actually saw a therapist specifically around alcohol. And why was I drinking and what was I. What was I thinking? And I feel like it wasn't until working with the therapist I have now that I could even see that I was just trying, you know, to drown. It's interesting because when I had the sexual abuse that I'm trying to work for work through, I was the age of my eldest daughter.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Correct.

[Maria]

So, yeah, and so my therapist is like, you know, let's, let's kind of connect some dots here. This is all starting to hit because you are starting to have fears. You're being very, I, I, I will say this about myself, very reactionary. And pretty much the idea of, you know, the way you're reacting is not the you today of your mature adult woman self. It's the 8 year old that's screaming for help and not being heard and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Beautiful and now you. But now that 8 year old has 50 year old muscles and I'm going to start hitting everybody I can because now, now I feel like I can defend myself. Yes. I like to say that your body puts little GPS pins in your nervous system and that eight year old alarm bell is like, oh, there it is. Right.

[Maria]

Your therapist is drink so or drink so. I don't act like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, and think about drinking. It's just climbing up and taking the batteries out of the smoke detector.

[Maria]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your house still on fire. It just doesn't ring so loud. Right?

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want to tell you with all the love in my heart, we're friends, right? We're good.

[Maria]

Yes. Listen to you every day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. The words I can't or he can't is addict language. It is this idea that the way my life is on a set of train tracks that cannot get off for any reason at any time. And I want to just tell you categorically, when people say those things, almost always it's not true. Almost always I can't, so I have to dot dot dot is addict language. And so one helpful exercise could be with your husband and or with your therapist, is to take your arm, metaphorically speaking, and wipe the dick of your life. Wipe your calendar, wipe your professional lives. And I'm not saying you quit your job, of course you can't quit your job, your husband can't quit his job and you got three kids that have needs. But what must be true, not right this second, but what must be true for us to have the life we want 24 months from now? Because here's the question. You're going to be 52. Do you want to be 52 laughing your head off with a 5 year old and a 10 year old and an 8 year old? Or do you want to be 52 still beating yourself up as you walk by the wine cabin? Yeah, that's the question. And when you're 52, this one month of going to get sober, I'm not saying you have to go to an inpatient program, but if that's what your, your body's telling you. That's what your therapist is telling you. Consider it. Would you rather have had a logistical mess of a 30 days and be the mom that laughs and breathes in her own house or keep white knuckling everything?

[Maria]

And I think it's, it's interesting what you say about having to be completely sober forever because it's almost like an escape, like a back door. Well, I don't drink, but when things get really rough, I can drink.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Maria]

Instead of when things get really rough, I do these things that are physically healthy for me and physically safe.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And sometimes when you're trauma healing, sometimes what I can do is I can just ride this wave.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I know this feeling isn't going to be here forever. I know this impulse isn't going to be forever. I know my 10 year old is playing with a couple of friends and one of the friends's older brother just walked in. And my body goes to war. And I also am present with reality. It doesn't take my, the, the bomb going off in my chest, but it does. I am able to extend that gap a little bit before I say anything. And I can exhale and I can be present here without running and hiding or beating up some 11 year old boy who just walked in the room. The wrong room at the wrong time. Right. And I'm going to stay hyper vigilant because that happened and it could happen. Right. It's all that stuff is there so it's not even about numbing it or doing away with it. Those feelings will be there. It's just that your body won't go back to being an 8 year old. They'll stay in your 50 year old present self.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I think a lot of people think healing means I don't ever think that thought anymore. I don't ever feel that feeling anymore. That's not true. Healing is when those things come, I can go do the next right thing.

[Maria]

Yeah. And it's, it's fascinating because the work we've been doing is me actually going back and getting my 8 year old self.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yep.

[Maria]

So the process that, so that when those kinds of situations. Yes. The a year old self starts to scream but internally in your head and it sounds woo woo, but it actually is working internally in your head. You're like here, come here, let me give you a hug.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Maria]

You're not there. We're here now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We're here now.

[Maria]

I'm in charge and I got this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yep. It's uptimes. That's I think I've talked about on the show. If I showed up at a house at 2am and somebody had just. A loved one had just died, especially in a tragic way or a. In a gruesome way, often one of the things we would do is I would take that person and I would either put their hand on my chest, literally, or we would hold hands so they could feel my slower heart rate. And we would walk down the street and we would either count trees, we would count cracks in the sidewalk. And what that did was it brought you from wherever you are not here to right now. You weren't safe then, but you're safe now. And that's just some of the exercises that you'll that I want you to be direct with your therapist and say, I need to pause this.

[Maria]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm out of skills for being out of here. So whether it's breathing, whether it's journaling, whether it's writing letters, whatever, the thing is, I need some stop gap skills, and I want to practice them with you. And if your therapist says, well, we're going to continue, I'm telling you right now, I have one crutch when my foot starts hurting again, and that's a drink. And so I need to get some different crutches while I'm healing. And that's the therapist's job, is to walk you through those things and practice them with you.

[Maria]

Yeah, I've.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I've taught those things and I've received those things. They're real and they're a critical part of this. But I want you to get serious. The other thing about drinking is if it's not in your house, you can't drink it.

[Maria]

You can always stop and buy some.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can, you can. But if you leave your ATM card at home and you have 20 bucks in your. In cash in your wallet, I mean, you can put some hurdles up. Of course anybody who wants it is going to find it. I know that. But you can put some hurdles in front of yourself that give you a chance to exhale and breathe before you do the next thing. But if you're going to get serious about getting sober, you got to get everything out of your house and you got to put some breaks, some hurdles in front of you, some very serious hurdles. You probably need to go to a meeting, start going to meetings. I don't have time. You do have time. I would say. You don't have time not to go. And your husband can figure out what he needs to do at Work. I don't have time. This is a serious thing, and often we cast that onto our partners. But if we actually sit down and say, I'm ready to make a change, our partners step up in amazing ways. Sometimes. Often they do. Often they do. When they fully understand what's going on, it's different than, I need you to pick up the kids. I need you to pick up the kids. I'm ready to get well forever, and I'm gonna need you for 30 days. Cool. I'm gonna figure this out. We may need to hire a high school kid to pick up a kid from school or what? We'll figure that out. But let's make a game plan. If you need to go away for 30 days, go wait 30 days. I'm so proud of you, Gina. I'm so proud of you for making the change. You're, you're. If you look back at a trend line, you've had some, you know, like a stock market thing, it's gone down. You've had some down days and some down weeks, but the trend line is up. You're on the path for healing. And now you're at the threshold for, I'm really going to jump and go all in. Be honest about getting sober. Honest. Got to get that stuff out of my life. Totally be honest about, all right, I'm opening the, the trauma door. We're going through some old memories. I got to get some new skills. And then I got to sit down with my, with my husband and say, all right, are you all in with me? Because I'm going to need a ride or die to go all in. And we're going to honor that 52 year old, you, who's going to roll over and laugh when she wakes up. And that 10 year old's like, I want a snack. I want a snack. She may not laugh. She may. She may get crazy, and it'd be worth it. Thank you so much for the call, sister. I'm super proud of you. I'm proud of you. We'll be right back. I've been telling you about Cozy Earth's bamboo sheets and pajamas for a long time now. They give you the kind of comfort that makes coming home from a chaotic workplace or a long day out in the wild a reason to celebrate. Now, as the weather is getting cooler, I want to tell you about Cozy Earth soft wash cotton sheets. They rule. I love sleeping on cotton sheets in the fall. In the winter, these amazing cotton sheets give you that perfect broken in feel that your favorite T shirt gets after years of wear, Cozy Earth's new cotton sheets feel this way right out of the package. They're breathable, cozy and they make you feel at home, like you've been sleeping on them forever. In the best kind of way. As always, Cozy Earth's new soft wash cotton sheets come with a hundred night sleep trial. You can try them out and if you don't love them, you can return them hassle free. Believe me, you're not going to want to. And now Black Friday has come early at Cozy earth. Go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code Deloney on top of their site wide sale, giving you up to 40% off in total savings. These deals will not last long, so start your holiday shopping right now. That's cozyearth.com deloney and use code Deloney. What up, Kelly? Hey, can I say something cool that happened, but like a realization I had before we do the cool thing that happened your show? Sure it is now.

[Kelly]

Well, you've always back there, you've always.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Said, this is my show, John.

[Kelly]

Well, we keep that just between us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think everybody knows. Okay, so last night I took my son, the 15 year old, to the turnstile show. There's a big loud punk rock band. There are thousands of people there and it was just one. It's like somebody turned the floor on. It was just one mosh pit from wall to wall. It was, it's. I'm gonna, I'm, I'm gonna be silly here, but I'm gonna be serious. It's a thing I've been thinking about since my son was born. Like one day I want to take him to one of these crazy concerts and he came with me. We ended up on the stage at the end of the show. It was a wild night and there was times his eyes got real wide when it was just mayhem. And on the way home it was late. We didn't get home till really late. And he runs cross country, so he had a long practice and he's got to get up early to go to school. And he was kind of zombie tired, whatever. And I had this realization and I called my wife and I just want to share this just moment of clarity for me. I called my wife and I said, hey, did Hank talk about this on the way to school today? And she goes, he did a little bit. He's kind of telling me about one of the songs. It was awesome and people are going bananas, whatever. And I told her, I said, hey, he knows this is like a dream of mine to take him to a crazy show. And I get this inkling that's not his thing. Like that his dad, man, when I grew up, I. If there was a mosh pit, I was going to be there. But I walked away last night thinking I shared an awesome night with my son. We had a blast. We did some funny, wild things, whatever. But that may not be his thing. His thing may be Garth Brook shows. And I gave my, I told my wife, I said, I want you to be honest with me because my son wants, doesn't want to disappoint his old man. He's a great kid. I want you to be honest with me if you get any sense that this was a one and done thing. And that's cool because I don't want to drag my son through this like of mine, but I just got that sense and I just want to be happy with. We shared a cool moment and also know that was kind of a thing for me. Right. And I don't want to put my. Whether it's jiu jitsu or hunting or basket weaving or whatever, I don't want to put my. The things that light me up and give me spark, I don't want to put that on my kids to carry. So that was just a realization I had last night. That was awesome. It was fun. I just get this. We. I used to walk out of those shows just yelling like, yeah, he didn't do that. And I think it's not his thing. And that's super okay with me and I'm happy about it, but I just wanted to share that with everybody. Like, it's cool to share experience, but don't put your things on your kids in that way. And if he wants to go to more, I'd love to take him, but I'm not going to force him anymore.

[Kelly]

Yeah, I think that's very, very self aware of you. And I've had similar. Like in high school, I was on the dance team. I was, did this and did that and I loved pep rallies and blah, blah, blah. And when my son started high school and I was just like, oh my gosh, I can't wait for your first football game and first pep rally. And he has some sensory issues and they are his version of hell yeah. And so. And I was like, what do you mean you don't love it? It's so great with 2000 people and it's loud. He's like, it's awful. I can't function. So he didn't go. And it took me a while to be like, and that's okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And he's got great friends and a good gang and. Yeah.

[Kelly]

Yeah. And so I think that is a hard part of parenting is realizing that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It'S the worst part, but it's also the best because you get to watch this independent human just kind of let.

[Kelly]

Them be their own person.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. All right, so what's a cool thing that happened?

[Kelly]

All right, this one's short and it. I'd already. I had picked this one prior to the call that we just took. And then you said something at the end that was like, oh, this is perfect. So this is from Emily in Portland, Oregon and she writes on the pod. Dr. John often suggests to overwhelmed stay at home moms to get an 11 or 12 year old to come over and play with the kids so mom can get a break. Well, I took this advice and now we have a sweet 11 year old girl from church that comes over every other Friday to play Hot wheels with my 3 year old and 18 month old sons. Now I think my 3 year old wants to marry her. But thank you for the practical tip. It definitely helped change things and it gives me a breath of fresh air.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, that's awesome. It's those little bitty tips. Like it feels like the whole world's crashing down. It's like actually just do that. Try that.

[Kelly]

Just a tiny little place where the light can shine through.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's it. That's it. And then it ends up. Man, that lights up the whole room. It's awesome. Hey, appreciate you guys being with us in the show, listening to the show. I'm gonna say this over and over and over again for the next however long till. Till the Internet God shut me up. The world is gonna change through how you choose to interact with your spouse, with your kids, and with the person at the grocery store with the guy who just cut you off in traffic. We get to choose to exhale. We get to choose kindness. We get to choose the next right thing. I'm going to do my best to make that choice. I'm going to ask you make those next right. Good moves. Love you guys. Bye.