Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show – "My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome"

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Dr. John Delony Show
• Host/Author: Ramsey Network
• Description: A caller-driven show offering real talk on relationships and mental health challenges. Listeners are encouraged to send questions via voicemail or email.
• Episode: My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
• Release Date: January 20, 2025

Introduction

In this episode of The Dr. John Delony Show, host Dr. John DeLoney engages with three listeners—Kate, Sarah, and Stephen—who each present unique relationship and mental health challenges. The episode delves deep into Kate’s tumultuous experience with attempting a threesome, Sarah’s struggle with a neglectful marriage, and Stephen’s anxiety related to parenthood and overcoming past addictions. Dr. DeLoney provides insightful analysis, practical advice, and supportive dialogue aimed at guiding listeners through their personal dilemmas.

Kate’s Story: The Threesome Attempt Gone Wrong

Timestamp: [00:05] - [23:41]

Summary: Kate reaches out to Dr. DeLoney to discuss a deeply personal and complex issue involving her husband backing out of a planned threesome. Initially, Kate and her husband had been fantasizing about adding a third person to their intimate life, a desire that neither fully expected to materialize. Over time, Dr. DeLoney uncovers the emotional turmoil and breakdown of trust that resulted from their failed attempt.

Key Points:

• Initiation of the Threesome Idea: Kate and her husband had been exploring the concept in their bedroom fantasies for about four years without serious intent.

  Kate [03:37]: "It was definitely, like, just something we, neither one of us, I guess, never thought would come into a real thing."

• Unilateral Action and Betrayal: Her husband took the first step by posting her photos on a threesome website without her knowledge, leading to feelings of violation and anger.

  Dr. DeLoney [03:10]: "Whoa. Okay, that feels like a violation there."

• Attempted Affair and Emotional Fallout: Kate ended up having an affair with the intended third party, which neither she nor her husband could fully consent to, resulting in mutual resentment and emotional distress.

  Dr. DeLoney [07:43]: "Oh, y'all are gonna end up having sex together anyway, so you might as well. Y'all two do it first, and then it'll be okay for the threesome."

• Impact on Marriage: The incident exposed underlying issues in their marriage, including poor communication and Kate’s struggling mental health, culminating in frequent panic attacks and feelings of isolation.

  Kate [09:23]: "He's waking me up in the middle of the night almost every night with different questions and different things."

• Loss of Trust and Relationship Breakdown: Dr. DeLoney identifies multiple layers of issues, such as pre-existing marital cracks, loss of self-trust, and mutual betrayal, leading to the conclusion that the marriage as it stood was irrevocably damaged.

  Dr. DeLoney [11:16]: "Issue number one is you have a marriage that was already a mess... Number two, you lost trust in you."

Notable Quotes:

• Kate [02:22]: "Oh, that ship sailed, sister. The insane ship is out of the harbor."
• Dr. DeLoney [13:22]: "Which became a y'all versus the world Kind of thing."

Dr. DeLoney’s Analysis and Advice: Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the essential need for both partners to lay bare their feelings and establish clear boundaries to rebuild trust or acknowledge the end of the marriage. He suggests specific actionable steps such as:

• Reestablishing Trust: Engaging in activities together to rebuild their connection, like playing Twister, going on walks, or reading books together.

  Dr. DeLoney [15:55]: "And then you get to say, that's not enough for me. I'm out."

• Setting Boundaries: Limiting or eliminating flirty and fantasy conversations that can reignite similar issues in the future.

  Dr. DeLoney [17:37]: "Have all the fun you want. Have all the conversations you want to have... but set clear boundaries."

• Creating a New Foundation: If they choose to rebuild, they must define what their new relationship will look like and what behaviors are necessary to foster a healthy partnership.

  Dr. DeLoney [20:04]: "And I don't think your marriage is over. If you don't want it to be, and he doesn't want it to be, I think there's going to be some fumbling and stumbling around in the dark as you all rediscover who you are..."

Sarah’s Story: Supporting a Neglectful Husband

Timestamp: [28:32] - [43:19]

Summary: Sarah calls into the show seeking advice on how to support her husband’s personal growth while simultaneously managing her own healing process and setting realistic expectations for rebuilding their strained marriage. Her marriage of 15 years has been plagued by neglect, emotional abuse, and poor communication, especially after relocating away from their family, exacerbating her mental health issues.

Key Points:

• Initiation of Conflict: Sarah decided to confront her neglected feelings by turning off the music and illuminating her home to signify that her mental state was deteriorating.

  Sarah [29:35]: "I turned the music off and I turned the lights on and said, this is actually what's happening in our marriage and I'm not okay with it."

• Lack of Husband’s Response: Despite her brave attempt to communicate her needs, her husband responded with minimal change, leading Sarah to feel unsupported and stuck in a cycle of temporary improvements followed by setbacks.

  Dr. DeLoney [31:29]: "Most of the time people are not very specific about what I need to see happen in this house. It's usually about, here's how I feel and here's what I want..."

• Setting Boundaries and Seeking Change: Dr. DeLoney advises Sarah to set clear, actionable benchmarks for her husband’s behavior and to follow through decisively when these are not met, emphasizing the importance of specific commitments over vague promises.

  Dr. DeLoney [34:35]: "I want you to sit down with somebody and actually put a pen to paper and make an actual plan with actual numbers and exhale on that plan."

Notable Quotes:

• Sarah [30:39]: "Have you heard me say this in the last year. Behavior is a language."
• Dr. DeLoney [39:15]: "Are you done? Is this theater?"

Dr. DeLoney’s Analysis and Advice: Dr. DeLoney commends Sarah’s courage in addressing her marital issues and underscores the necessity of combining emotional expressions with concrete actions. He suggests:

• Specific Action Plans: Creating detailed plans with measurable outcomes to ensure accountability and progress in rebuilding the marriage.

  Dr. DeLoney [38:57]: "Right now you've made all these grand gestures and these statements... they don't have any action behind them."

• Establishing Firm Boundaries: Implementing strict boundaries to prevent recurring abusive behavior and to protect her mental well-being.

  Dr. DeLoney [17:54]: "[...] to have honest conversations about we don't like each other."

• Seeking Professional Help: Encouraging the involvement of counselors or therapists to guide both partners through the healing and rebuilding process effectively.

  Dr. DeLoney [40:15]: "I think it's time to get some wise counsel in your life..."

Stephen’s Story: Overcoming Parental Addiction and Anxiety Related to Parenthood

Timestamp: [47:38] - [61:00]

Summary: Stephen shares his anxiety surrounding parenthood, stemming from his turbulent upbringing with an addicted father and his own past battles with alcohol and cocaine addiction. Now engaged and facing the prospect of fatherhood, Stephen fears replicating his father's destructive behaviors and negatively impacting his future children.

Key Points:

• Background of Addiction and Trauma: Stephen recounts his struggles with alcohol and cocaine addiction, triggered by the death of his close friend and compounded by growing up in a household with an addicted father.

  Stephen [48:38]: "I had a friend that died when I was young. And that kind of spurred a lot of this stuff on."

• Current Engagement and Fears of Parenthood: Despite being clean for a decade and engaged for over five years, Stephen grapples with anxiety about being a good father and not passing on his familial issues to his children.

  Stephen [54:29]: "I knew that like, once I pulled that trigger, let timers counting down."

• Dr. DeLoney’s Guidance: Dr. DeLoney helps Stephen confront his fears by encouraging him to distinguish himself from his father, make concrete commitments to his future family, and actively work toward being a supportive and loving father.

  Dr. DeLoney [58:14]: "Repeat after me. I am not my dad."

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. DeLoney [58:21]: "I am not my dad."
• Stephen [59:07]: "Absolutely. Yes, sir."

Dr. DeLoney’s Analysis and Advice: Dr. DeLoney provides Stephen with actionable steps to overcome his anxiety and ensure he becomes the father he aspires to be:

• Affirmation and Separation from the Past: Encouraging Stephen to verbally affirm that he is not his father, thereby mentally distancing himself from inherited behaviors.

  Dr. DeLoney [58:28]: "I am not my dad."

• Commitment to Positive Parenting: Stephen is advised to make steadfast commitments to his future children, such as expressing love daily, maintaining sobriety, and setting clear boundaries to create a nurturing environment.

  Dr. DeLoney [59:07]: "Will you make a commitment to never making your kid feel small, even if they've got weird wacky dreams..."

• Writing Personal Letters: Dr. DeLoney suggests that Stephen write letters to his future wife and child, outlining his commitments and intentions to foster a loving and supportive family dynamic.

  Dr. DeLoney [62:31]: "I want you to write a letter to 38 year old her... and to your future kid 10 years from now."

• Facing and Letting Go of Fear: Stephen is encouraged to confront his fears directly, understanding that his children will love and respect him for his efforts to break the cycle of addiction and neglect.

  Dr. DeLoney [60:30]: "I think you're scared of your kids looking at you and thinking about you like you think about you... Let that fear go."

Conclusion

In "My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome," Dr. John DeLoney skillfully navigates through three distinct but interrelated stories, offering each caller tailored advice grounded in empathy and psychological expertise. Whether dealing with the fallout of a failed intimate exploration, managing a neglectful and abusive marriage, or confronting deep-seated anxieties about parenthood, the episode provides listeners with practical strategies to address and overcome their personal challenges. Dr. DeLoney’s compassionate approach underscores the importance of clear communication, setting firm boundaries, and taking actionable steps toward healing and rebuilding trust.

Notable Overall Quote:

Dr. DeLoney [21:34]: "And I don't want these kids to grow up with going to two different Christmases and two different things."

For those seeking further guidance, Dr. DeLoney offers continuous support through the Ramsey Network, encouraging listeners to reach out with their own stories and questions to foster a community of healing and growth.