My Husband Constantly Lies About Money (Why?)

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: My Husband Constantly Lies About Money (Why?)
Date: January 7, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

Episode Overview

This episode tackles the real-life challenge of "financial infidelity"—constant lies about money within marriage. Dr. John Delony fields a call from Marie, whose husband continually deceives her about their finances, especially during stressful periods like a government shutdown. Delony dives into why such patterns emerge, how contempt and mistrust can be co-created, and what it takes to rebuild trust and teamwork. Later, he speaks with other callers about dealing with a spouse’s conspiracy-driven beliefs, handling workplace crises, and fostering healthy communication across tough topics.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Financial Infidelity: Marie’s Story

Timestamps: [00:05]–[19:35]

• Marie’s Dilemma:
  Marie’s husband lied about receiving paychecks during a government shutdown, leading her to make household sacrifices unnecessarily. This isn’t the first instance; he’s kept financial secrets for years.

  “He lied to me about… Why was he lying to you?”
  — Marie & Dr. John Delony [02:29]

• Patterns of Behavior:
  Marie shares examples: broken promises about paying off debt together and supporting her dreams once his retirement money arrived—none of which materialized.

  “It’s just over and over again. And this time, lying to my face and saying that he was not getting paid is just again... And I just feel used.”
  — Marie [08:28]

• Delony’s Perspective:
  He classifies her husband’s behavior as "financial infidelity," stressing how secrecy about money can be as damaging as sexual infidelity.

  “Lying and hiding money is… It’s a form of infidelity, right? I call it financial infidelity.”
  — Dr. John Delony [03:39]

• Are You a Safe Teammate?
  Delony challenges Marie to honestly assess if she’s a partner her husband can safely share financial anxieties with, or if her reactions have contributed to the secrecy.

  “Are you a wife he can tell stuff like that to?”
  — Dr. John Delony [02:59]

  “If you’re a person that he can be open with, then it’s a different trajectory.”
  — Dr. John Delony [04:16]

• Co-creating the Cycle:
  Delony equates the dynamic to a dysfunctional “dance” that both are perpetuating. He pushes Marie towards vulnerability and reflection rather than just asserting blame.

  “It’s usually a co-created dance, right?”
  — Dr. John Delony [06:44]

• Root Causes—Family History:
  Delony probes the possible influence of her husband’s upbringing (“grew up broke” and responsible for his mother) on his money anxieties and secretive habits.

  “If your husband was on the phone with me…I would ask him, where did he get burned with money in the past?”
  — Dr. John Delony [12:35]

• Path Forward: Radical Openness & Ownership
  Delony advises Marie to initiate an honest, non-combative conversation, confess her own shortcomings, and propose new habits for transparency (shared logins, single checking account, learning about “his” PayPal funds).

  “You have to turn the lights on and turn the music off. … You have to put on the table: here’s what I have brought to this dance.”
  — Dr. John Delony [13:34]

  “When I don’t know where our money is, it terrifies me. I can’t breathe.”
  — Dr. John Delony [19:09]

• Notable Challenge:
  He warns Marie that the process is risky, as her husband may reject this new level of openness. Still, it’s essential for future trust.

  “Here’s the scariest part about that. He may say no.”
  — Dr. John Delony [15:36]

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2. When Your Spouse Goes Down the Rabbit Hole

Caller: Carlos — Timestamps: [22:44]–[39:29]

• Situation:
  Carlos's wife has become increasingly skeptical of societal norms, from homeschooling and vaccine schedules to not wanting a birth certificate for their newborn.

  “She doesn’t want to give our baby…birth certificate or Social Security number for our newborn.”
  — Carlos [23:49]

• Underlying Fear & Isolation:
  Delony recognizes these beliefs as stemming from intense isolation and anxiety, amplified by social media echo chambers.

  “We live in a world now where that fear is channeled through algorithms simply designed for one thing: to keep you glued to them. And the easiest way…is to scream: You’re going to hurt or kill your child.”
  — Dr. John Delony [25:31]

• Fractured Intimacy:
  The couple’s emotional and physical intimacy has deteriorated—symptoms of deeper relational and psychological disconnection.

  “We don’t have intercourse. We don’t hug. We don’t kiss all that much…We can’t really have a lot of conversations…like finances and everyday life, really.”
  — Carlos [27:22]

• How to Approach:
  Delony advises compassion over logic—inviting connection and expressing vulnerability, rather than dismissing her fears or providing data (which only deepens her resistance).

  “If you sit down and say: ‘We’re never having sex, you’re not doing this…’ then you become yet another one of those…her entire feed is telling her is trying to kill everybody.”
  — Dr. John Delony [32:03]

• Strategy:
  Invite honest conversation using “I” language (“I miss you. I’m worried about us”). Involve family or friends if necessary, but focus first on reconnecting emotionally.

  “My plea to you is to enter into not trying to solve each one of those issues, because you’re actually going to drive her away.”
  — Dr. John Delony [31:36]

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3. Workplace Stress & Taking Your Lumps

Caller: Ted — Timestamps: [40:40]–[54:55]

• Incident:
  Ted, a 22-year-old lab worker, makes a safety call (evacuating for a gas leak) and is reprimanded despite prioritizing safety. He’s discouraged and searching for a new job but feels stuck.

  “I thought…people would be like, ‘Oh, man, I’m so glad you’re still alive,’ but no one ever said anything like that.”
  — Ted [42:13]

• Dr. Delony’s Advice:
  Take responsibility where warranted, but don’t let the experience drain his character or dignity. Learn, keep working hard, build savings for future independence, and avoid letting negative feelings dictate quitting.

  “I will not let them have my dignity. I will not let them have my integrity. … If I have a strong feeling, even if it’s wrong, am I going to take my ball and go home? Or am I going to take my lumps?”
  — Dr. John Delony [50:59]

• Resilience and Growth:
  Delony frames mistakes and difficult feedback as vital experiences for developing resilience and professionalism.

  “Who are you going to be after the thing happened? That’s character.”
  — Dr. John Delony [55:10]

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4. Bonus: Intimacy and Communication in Marriage

Listener Question — Timestamps: [60:58]–[62:11]

• Brief Advice:
  A listener asks about difficulty speaking up for what she wants in the bedroom. Delony recommends practicing vulnerability and communication in all realms of the relationship, not just sexual. He gives playful, practical ideas, like creating lists and “envelopes” of desires to help spouses voice preferences with less pressure.

  “Intimacy is the creation of a secret world between two people. … We are going to begin to practice speaking up for what you want.”
  — Dr. John Delony [62:10]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Financial infidelity… is a form of infidelity.”
  — Dr. John Delony [03:39]

• “Are you a person he can be open with?”
  — Dr. John Delony [04:16]

• “It’s usually a co-created dance, right?”
  — Dr. John Delony [06:44]

• “When you’re vying for power, it exposes what you are most scared of.”
  — Dr. John Delony [11:29]

• “You have to turn the lights on and turn the music off.”
  — Dr. John Delony [13:34]

• “Lying to my face… that’s not faulty logic, that’s lying.”
  — Marie [09:45]

• “This isn’t a logic issue. … This is a terrified mother response.”
  — Dr. John Delony [35:13]

• “Who are you going to be after the thing happened? That’s character.”
  — Dr. John Delony [55:10]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Financial infidelity main discussion: [00:05]–[19:35]
• Navigating a partner’s conspiracy beliefs: [22:44]–[39:29]
• Young adult workplace crisis: [40:40]–[54:55]
• Intimacy and practicing vulnerability: [60:58]–[62:11]

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Takeaways

• Financial secrecy is as damaging as any other betrayal in marriage; teamwork requires radical openness.
• Cycles of secrecy and judgment are often co-created; self-reflection and humility break the loop.
• Fear, isolation, and anxiety fuel distrust and withdrawal (in finances, parenting, or intimacy).
• Practical transparency (shared accounts, full access, routine honest conversations) rebuilds trust.
• Resilience at work and home grows from facing discomfort, apologizing, and doubling down on personal integrity—not fleeing at the first sign of conflict.
• Intimacy thrives on practiced vulnerability, not just honesty about sex, but all needs and desires in marriage.

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This summary captures the substance and spirit of Dr. Delony’s high-energy, empathetic, and sometimes playful approach to real-life relationship and mental health struggles. Perfect for anyone looking to understand why money secrecy persists, how to break toxic cycles, and how to handle tough moments with courage and dignity.

Transcript

[Marie]

During the government shutdown, my husband wasn't getting paid. So I asked him several times, are you getting paid? No. And then I found out that the whole time he was getting paid.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why was he lying to you?

[Marie]

I asked him and he said, oh, every time he got paid, they said it might be the last one.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. I'm so glad that you are here. New Year, new you. New Year, new me, New Year, new you. I'm hoping.

[Marie]

Aren't we all?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You look younger today. Look at that. New Year, new me.

[Marie]

That's very nice.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And all your tattoo removal surgeries are going well?

[Marie]

Yes, very well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Very well. I see you're like, if you're just listening to this, she's rocking her deep, deep, deep V. We're all a little bit uncomfortable, but I knew you knew her bringing it back. I like that. Hey, see you. You. For like 10 whole seconds. You were there. You were doing great.

[Marie]

Proud of you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's go to Denver, Colorado, and Dr. Dear Marie. What's up, Marie?

[Marie]

Good morning, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm. I'm live in la vida loca. What are you up to?

[Marie]

Well, I have a. I have a question for you about if I'm overreacting.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man. The fact that you asked that question makes you my new friend. Probably. Yes. But let's go with.

[Marie]

Let's go for it, right? I know myself, so I know that I do this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Excellent. What's up?

[Marie]

So what happened recently? The most recent, I thought you were going to say.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what had happened was. That would be awesome. Okay, so what happened recently? You took a very Denver turn on me there at the end.

[Marie]

That's okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Marie]

Well, what happened was during the government shutdown, my husband wasn't getting paid, right? So I asked him several times during this period, are you getting paid? No money. Things would come up, things to fix the house or whatever. And I'd be like, oh, we can't afford it right now. Let's wait until the government shutdown ends. And then I found out that the whole time he was getting paid.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Marie]

He lied to me about.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why was he lying to you?

[Marie]

I don't. I asked him and he said, oh, every time he got paid, they said it might be the last one. I said, why didn't you just tell me that? I'm like, I'm over here scraping together, you know, money and everything so that we can, you know, get by. And this whole Time. You're getting paid.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So let me flip this around. Okay. How long have you all been married?

[Marie]

Almost 10 years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Are you a wife he can tell stuff like that to?

[Marie]

I thought so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that.

[Marie]

Well, I mean, he is. In our 10 years, he has hidden financial stuff from me that I have then discovered and confronted him on it. And he always comes up with an excuse of why he did it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Marie]

And, you know, it's come up before. We're still together. I tell him, you know, I thought we were just. I thought we were a team. You know, we'll do things together. But it keeps happening over and over again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So obviously, lying and hiding money is. I mean, it's. It's. It's a form of infidelity, right?

[Marie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I call it financial infidelity. You're. You're 100, right? To be freaked out, to be unsure. Yeah. So I'm changing my tune over time, right. Because I guess it's easy to look at this guy and if he was calling me on the phone and be like, hey, dude, I'm hiding money from my wife, whatever. Of course, just being husband to husband, dad to dad with this guy, I would say, hey, you're being a person who lacks character. He's on the phone. You are. And so what I want to ask you first out of the gate is, are you a person who. Teamwork is. We have money to do what I want. We have money that I panic, I freak out. And so I want to make sure we are saving. We're doing this the way I want to do. Are you a person that he can be open with? Because if you are, then it's a totally different trajectory. If you can look at. At how you are as a teammate and say, actually, teammate means we do what I want, that's a different. That's what I want. I want to be reflective about before I start throwing grenades.

[Marie]

I see what you're saying, but I. Well, of course I feel this way because it's me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because it's you. Yeah, of course I'm right.

[Marie]

But I feel like, for example, when he started getting retirement, I said, it's, you know, his first retirement from his first job. I'm like, let's take some of that. Let's put a part of it into savings. And it's not for me, it's for him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you're answering my question for me.

[Marie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What I would love the question to be is, who do we want to be 10 years from now? And how can I want us to Paint a picture together, and then accomplishing that picture is a simple math problem that you reverse engineer. I want to have a car that costs $20,000 in five years. Cool. How many months until then? 60 months. How many. How many dollars do I need to put in an account? But if he gets this check and you say you need to. For you, then what. What you get is he's getting another moment. You get what I'm saying?

[Marie]

Oh, yeah. And I feel that, but I feel like he puts me in that position.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, tell me about that.

[Marie]

He's so irresponsible with his money.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that. Because now we're getting into contempt. Right? Like I'm watching how he does his thing and.

[Marie]

Yeah, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's not. Just not good. Tell me about that. And you may be 100. Right. I just want to lean into the person on the phone with me. Right. Not in a. Not in a. Not in a coming after you. But just make sure we're all speaking the same language.

[Marie]

No. And that's fine because. Yeah. My need. My knee jerk reaction on emotions is anger, so. I know. And that's why I called.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, awesome.

[Marie]

Like, am I up? Because. Yeah, it could be me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I. It's usually a co created dance, right. So sometimes somebody, like if I'm dancing with my wife, she's wanting me to take her dancing our whole marriage.

[Marie]

Mm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so when I show up to dance or and by the way I am. To say I'm bad is the understatement of the century. I'm literally the worst dancer that's ever existed. My hips for sure do lie, like, badly. Right. Okay. So here's the thing. When I do dance with her, I want to do it so well that I completely lose the fact that I'm with my best friend and my, My quarter century mate, my girlfriend still, who happens to be my wife, I lose all of that and I turn into a performance and I try to get every step right. And so I step on her feet. I go too fast, too slow, because I'm trying. You get what I'm saying? And so it's a, It's a world we've co created together. And so I, I, You're. It's rarely, I mean, you listen to the Show Sometimes it's 100% one person. Right. But sometimes it's a co created. You need to. You need to. Why aren't you. Which then somebody begins to slowly shrink their shoulders and drop, draw their arms around. Okay, this is mine then. And that doesn't make what they're doing. Right. But it makes it. It's a context, not an excuse. I understand it. Right. Okay, so tell me about, like, you're. You're watching him do his stuff with his money. Tell me about that.

[Carlos]

Well.

[Marie]

When there's been a couple times where he said things were going to happen, he volunteered it financially, and then it just never happened.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, what? Give me an example.

[Marie]

Sure. He paid off his car, and I had a little bit of credit card debt. And he's like, I'll give you the money for the, you know, what I was paying for my car. I'll give you that to help pay down your debt. I'm like, I didn't ask for it. I was like, oh, that's awesome. Never saw it. When he started getting his retirement, he's like, oh, you can quit your job or go part time to your job and you can do this, you know, this dream project I had. And he's like, and because my retirement money is more than you make in a month, he volunteered that. I was like, oh, well, yeah, we can talk about that. Never happened. I said, let's save a little bit of your retirement check just for savings, you know, a cushion. He said, okay. Never happened. So it's just over and over again. And this time, lying to my face and saying that he was not getting paid is just again. Yeah, it happened again. And I just feel used. Like, how can you lie to somebody's face like that and carry on in your life like everything's normal, you know, there's no problems here. And when I confronted him with it, he said it was. He had faulty logic.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's that mean?

[Marie]

I don't know. I was like, that's not faulty logic. That's lying to my face.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you know what? You're right. And you're. You are totally right. And. And you know, you've listened to my show long enough. If he was on the phone with me, I'd wear him out on that. Right. And the way you're describing Yalls interactions tells me in no way, shape, form, or fashion are y' all a team.

[Marie]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Y' all are using team language. But you're saying, his car, your debt, his retirement. It's Yalls debt. It's yalls cars that you happen to drive every day. It's yalls retirement. And until you get there, there will always be going back to the dance metaphor, somebody vying for, I want to lead the dance. My wife has her own small business. Okay? And the way we've Set up in our house is that's a small ecosystem that lives within itself. Meaning when she sells one of her books, it goes back into her little world. Okay. And it's awesome. I love that she's like, we have sat down, walked through all of it together. So at the macro level in our house, she has not worked. Like her income has not dumped into our family pot. And yet. So all the income that we spend on our home, on our investments, on our whatever actually comes from a check with my name on it. But make no mistake, it is ours. We have cars, we have a house, we have groceries. And so we decide how we are going to co create this amazing picture that we both have. And by the way, part of that picture down the road is our kids not having to carry the, the education burden that her and I had when we graduated. Part of that vision is a gigantic hunting ranch for me and any of my friends that I want to bring in and people who are struggling in their marriages, who want to come fly into Nashville and just get away for a bit. That's part of our thing. You get what I'm saying? And it's a thing I really want. So I put it on the table and we decide, is this a thing that we want to do and how are we going to get there there? And when you're vying for power inside your own house, it makes. Let, let me say it this way. Power. The, the. The scratching and clawing of power. And we're watching it happen at the government level, we're watching it happen at the local level, and we're watching it happen in our homes. When you're vying for power, it exposes what you are most scared of. And so if your husband was on the phone with me, I would, the first question I would ask him is where did he get burned with money in the past? Do you have an answer to that?

[Marie]

Yeah, I think so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who's that?

[Marie]

And I've told him this. I think he grew up broke.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Marie]

And so did he.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Was he responsible for taking care of some of his parents needs?

[Marie]

Oh, his mom. Yeah, for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you see how you've recreated that with him.

[Marie]

Yeah, or he recreated it with me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Exactly. It's a, it's a figure eight. It's a figure eight.

[Marie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so here, here's the. You've heard me say this a lot and I'm trying to do a better job because people ask me what I mean, because I throw some of these things out and I want to break it down as far as granular as I can. Somebody has to stop that dance.

[Marie]

But how do I or how do I stop it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's how. Okay, you stop dancing. You can't make him stop dancing, but you have to turn the lights on and turn the music off. What I mean by that, I want you to make him his absolute insane even if you have to leave the house before he gets up and go get it his favorite cup of coffee. And then I want you to show up and say, hey and I want you to have pre planned this. I need an hour together. And then you have to put on the table here's what I have brought to this dance. So to use my house as a metaphor, my wife saying I have made wanting to dance with you such a big deal that I realized I put so much pressure on you that a, you don't want to do you, you won't do it with me very often. And B, you get so nervous when we get there. It's not a pleasurable experience. So instead of waiting for dance lessons and waiting for the opportunity, we're at a party to dance. Could we just dance in our living room to like old 80s metal song? You get how the invit how there's an invitation and then we're going to get some reps. And so what my wife has done for because what she wants is to go dancing. What she has done is she has taken quote unquote the lead in not forcing a dance class on me, but she has taken the lead in turning the temperature so low the dancing now sounds fun. Again, it's an invitation. So you saying, hey, I here's what I've contributed And then that is an invitation to I have to ask myself, have I created a world where you have to lie about your money, our money? I want us to put our debts on the table. I want us to put our future on the table because we have been together for a decade and I'm hoping we got one or two decades left. And then here's the scariest part about that. He may say no.

[Marie]

Well, he's, he's a sweet guy. He'll say yes. But then how do I believe him? Y' all have to wait.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nope. Y' all create a plan. You should know all the logins to his retirement account because they're yalls retirement accounts. He should have all Y' all should have a single checking account that y' all live out of.

[Marie]

But he does like everything is like PayPal, PayPal, PayPal. I don't know what that is?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Then you say, I want you to teach me about PayPal because it involves our money.

[Marie]

Oh.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you get what I'm saying? You're trying. You're trying to play. You're trying to be teammates, but y' all are in different dugouts wearing different uniforms.

[Marie]

Huh? And that's. I'm very combative, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And. And that's why I went back to the original question. Is it even okay for him to say, hey, I did get paid. We may not get paid next month because y' all are so united that you can see that he's carrying a little bit of shame, a little bit of guilt, and a ton of rage because the adults in the room, the government officials, are using him as a pawn in their little games.

[Marie]

Oh, I know. I would get so mad. I would get. Yep, yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But, but, but, but.

[Marie]

But.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you walk in and y' all sit down, it's kind of the old interrogator trick. If when you all have conversations, your seat, you instantly go six feet above him and you're looking down at how he's spending his money and is he doing this? And is. I'm not saying he gets a pass. He's being a man who lacks character because he's lying to his wife. But if I were to dig into his situation, is he is. He created a world where he has to do that.

[Marie]

He feels very judged by me because.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I guarantee you, because he is. You've judged him on this conversation with me now.

[Marie]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He. I. I would judge him. I would hold him accountable.

[Marie]

And that's what I'm trying to do. To say, like, I call you on your bullshit, and it's. Maybe that's the wrong word, but like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I said, that's the right word.

[Marie]

But I'm still here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But he doesn't have permission to call you on yours.

[Marie]

I mean, he can.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know he can. And you've told me your default is anger, is explosion. You get what I'm saying? And here's what I'm trying to get to. If you want to be right here, you can be. He's lied to you. If you want to be married, and more importantly, you want to have peace and safety inside your chest, which you don't feel right now, then the only path forward is the most courageous, scary thing you can do, which is to say, I want to own my part of the dance that we're in. I'm a judgmental, angry person, and I think I've pushed you into a way that you're reacting poorly. And you may have to swallow your pride and ego and your anger, but it's the path back to connection.

[Marie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying? I'm not saying become a doormat. I'm not saying. Once you put this on the table, if he lies again, I want you to tell him not. You shouldn't be lying to me. He shouldn't get. Hear me say. But I want you to say, when I don't know where our money is, it terrifies me. I can't. I can't breathe. I can't sleep. And then you throw.

[Marie]

And he knows that's a. He knows that's a big issue for me because my previous husband did all kinds of crazy financial stuff.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There we go. And so, Marie, head straight, straight into it. Own what you have. Go with his favorite cup of coffee, and then just say, hey, we've co created this thing. Here's what I've brought to it. And also, I can't be in a relationship with somebody who lies about our money. I want our debts to be ours. When our money to be ours. I want our future to be ours. Are you in? And then hold your breath because he may say absolutely. Or he may say, nope. Thanks for the call. We come back, a man asks how to tell his wife that skipping their baby's legal documents is dangerous. Whoa. All right. If you're listening to this ad, you can tell that I sound cool. And if you're watching this on YouTube, you can see that I look cool. Why? Because I'm wearing my favorite poncho shirt. If you've seen me on stage, at events or anywhere else on the Internet or social media, you've probably seen me wearing poncho shirts. It's almost all I ever wear. I'm always wearing poncho shirts, and especially now because it's cold outside. And that's perfect for wearing my favorite denims and flannels. Poncho's denim has that soft, broken in feel with a little bit of stretch. Feels like you've worn it a million times, but. But it still looks amazing. And poncho flannels come in original or western styles, and they're guaranteed to be the softest shirts you own. And somehow they're tough and they're comfortable. They can deal with anything you throw at them, from stage to the yard to the field. Poncho shirts come in slim or regular fits, and they're built to last. Go to ponchooutdoors.com DeLoney and sign up with your Email and they'll give you 10 bucks off your first order. Tell them you heard about poncho shirts right here on this show. That's ponchooutdoors.com DeLoney all right. We all want to be safer, and we know that we can't control the world outside our front door. The news, the noise, the traffic. There's a lot going out in the world that we can't control. So I'm always looking for things that can make a difference inside my own home when it comes to safety. As a dad and a husband, this matters to me, and this is why I love Cove security. And you should love them, too. You want your home to be a place where your family can rest, laugh, and heal and be a safe place even when you're not at home. Cove gives you professional grade home security for less than a dollar a day, and it can help you breathe a little bit easier. Cove gives you 247 monitoring for police, fire, and medical emergencies. So even when life gets chaotic, your home doesn't have to be. And here's the deal. Cove is simple. It's a DIY setup that takes about 30 minutes. That's it, and you're off and running. You customize your system with a quick online quiz so you only get exactly what your home needs and nothing that you don't need. With the COVID app, you can check in anywhere at any time. Listen, you can't control everything, but you can create a home that feels a little bit safer and a little bit calmer and a little bit more protected. Go to cove smart.com and use my code Deloney and save up to 80% off your first purchase. That's Cove C O v e cove smart.com use code DeLoney. Baltimore, Maryland let's go talk to Carlos. What's up, Carlos?

[Carlos]

Hey, how's it going?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Outstanding, brother. What's up, man?

[Carlos]

Hey, yeah, just had a question about trying to have a conversation, respectful conversation with my wife.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wife, dude, good on you, man. That's a great way to even frame this conversation.

[Carlos]

Thanks. So my wife has, like, over the course of our marriage, has, I guess, grown more skeptical of, I guess, societal norms. I'll say. And it started off, or it has started off with pretty normal stuff that's, like, more accepted.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Give me an example.

[Carlos]

Like, kind of like homeschooling, you know, like, I believe in homeschooling is. Is not bad at all. And. And she, you know, she's. She's skeptical about, like, vaccines that the schedule particularly was at first, but you Know, now it's grown into all vaccines. And then, you know, she's talking about. Recently it's talked about, like, not paying taxes. And now she doesn't want to give our baby. Get the birth. Birth certificate or Social Security number for our newborn.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, yikes, yikes, yikes.

[Carlos]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She's down the rabbit hole. Spend a lot of time on social media.

[Carlos]

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is a dangerous trajectory for you, your wife, and especially those sweet kids.

[Carlos]

Yeah. That's what I believe. And I'm trying to. I've tried to bring it up before and talk to her about it, but I get kind of flustered and I think the arguments usually, or the conversations usually devolve into an argument.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Carlos]

And I'm trying to figure out how to better approach it so that we can kind of come to a resolution and move forward in, like, a safe manner.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Man, that's such a great question. And unfortunately, millions and millions of people are struggling with the same thing.

[Carlos]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because we've entered into the strangest information environment, I think, in human history.

[Carlos]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The things you're talking about are so insane, like, on so many levels. And I absolutely understand. When you have a baby, is this your first one? Second one third one? What? What. What baby is this?

[Carlos]

This is our second.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I remember how scared I was not knowing how to have two kids in the house. And in our house, I don't know about yours, but our house had. There'd been a bunch of loss, too. A bunch of miscarriages, a bunch of hospital visit, like. And so it was heightened. I was just a scared guy.

[Carlos]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I will never underestimate the privilege I had of working with at University Systems with, like, I didn't have social media, A, and B, it would never occur to me to go to some weird influencer who's trying to sell me supplements. Like the ground up dirt from, like, some volcano somewhere as an antidote to whatever I just simply had. I could go down the hall and ask a cancer biologist or a epidemiologist, or I could go down the hall and ask somebody who works, you know, on the. On the measles vaccine or whatever. And I know that that's an insane privilege that very few people have. So I want to honor the fact that your wife is scared and she wants to be a good mom and that we live in a world now where that fear is channeled through algorithms simply designed for one thing to keep you glued to them. And the easiest way to keep you glued to something is to scream. You're going to hurt or kill your child.

[Carlos]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And then the powerlessness you feel that you watch. And let's be honest, this isn't just about that you're losing your wife in other places, too. Fair.

[Carlos]

Yeah, definitely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that.

[Carlos]

I mean, we. Not very intimate, I think, anymore. And tell me about that. We. I mean, it's been a couple years now. I think that it's degraded, and we. Yeah, we don't. We don't. I mean, we don't have intercourse. We don't hug. We don't kiss all that much, except for, you know, when we were trying to make a baby, essentially.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Carlos]

And then, you know, we can't really have a lot of conversations in terms of, you know, what I would consider normal conversations, like finances and. And just everyday life, really.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, That's. That's what I want to put on the table.

[Carlos]

Mm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'll challenge you the same way I challenged a previous caller. Are you a person who is safe to have scary conversations with? Meaning when somebody picks up their phone and 100 people tell them that the measles vaccine is going to kill their kid and that they bring it to you, is your instant response is, that's so stupid. We're not doing that, or, you know, what measles vaccine is. How that became contentious, I will never understand, ever. But let's take that one off the table. Let's say the Social Security number. I don't want a birth certificate. If it's like, hey, I'm starting to question whether we should have these government documents. Are you somebody that's like, that's so stupid, or are you somebody who goes, hey, I got us a babysitter. I want us to go out. Tell me about it.

[Carlos]

I. I would say for the most part, I am the latter. But for the. When she brought up the birth certificate and tax, also taxes before and Social Security number, I was really taken aback. And, yeah, I was kind of confused, and I kind of just answered as very bluntly, like, what are you talking about?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, and that's the right answer, by the way. Don't hear me say, like, you need to gently go into that one. Right.

[Carlos]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because here's what you're facing. You're facing a potential lethal decision for your children. Your wife is now asking, should we start committing crimes? Your wife is starting to ask, should we hide? Like, should we pretend it's all pretend? Should we pretend that we're hiding? Right. And what that tells me is you have a wife who's struggling deeply with fear and with anxiety.

[Carlos]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or let me put it this way. My guess is she is very, very lonely right now. Fair?

[Carlos]

Yeah, that's fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And so I want to enter into that conversation with deep compassion.

[Carlos]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The worst thing for a schizophrenic is to find out someone actually is following them around. Right. Was that just because you're paranoid that someone's following you doesn't mean they're not. Right.

[Carlos]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what you don't want to do is become yet another. Like there's research that says, like if somebody's super conservative or super liberal and you hand them clear, documented evidence about how their position on a particular issue is categorically, factually incorrect, it actually drives them further into their position, which is so bizarre and strange.

[Carlos]

Yeah. I think I, I tried to, I think I, I made that mistake because I tried to say, like the state, you know, the midwife filled out the birth record. The state already has the record, the birth certificates for us for our legal protection. And I think that it's for your babies.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, I had to take my birth certificate that I still have from Texas Women's Hospital. I still have it in a safe that's inside another safe. It's that important of a document. I just used it last week. Right. And all that to say is this. Those things are proxies to what's really going on, which is your wife is terrifyingly alone, terrifyingly scared.

[Carlos]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And she is looking for things that she can control.

[Carlos]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so my, my, my plea to you is to enter into not trying to solve each one of those issues because you're actually going to drive her away.

[Carlos]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is heading into the issue that is, I feel like I'm losing my best friend in the world. I'm losing my wife. And I'm scared.

[Carlos]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For you. How can I love you right now? Well, you would love me by being on my side. That we don't. We're not going to talk about that right now. Are you okay? You get what I'm saying?

[Carlos]

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I miss you. And when you go into those conversations, that conversation using I words, on the whole, those are invitations. If you sit down and say, we're never having sex, we haven't had sex in years, you're not doing this. You're not doing this. Then you become yet another one of those vaccine peddling, government supporting, looney tunes that her entire feed is telling her is trying to kill everybody.

[Carlos]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. So play this out for me. You sit down at the table with Her. And. And I like breakfast just because the sun is out and people have slept. Sometimes you sit down and you say, I want. Will you hold my hands? What? Will you hold my hands, please? I just need to say something. And you said, I love you and I miss you, and I'm worried about you and I'm worried about us. What would her response to that be? Just play it out. And it might be a super negative response, but play that out.

[Carlos]

Yeah. I think her initial response would be laughing. Like, and very skeptical of, like, the genuineness of me trying to be intimate with her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So here's the only thing you can control when she starts laughing is your emotional reactivity.

[Carlos]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Could you stay present then?

[Carlos]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To where she felt the weight. Not the weight of this is a big, heavy conversation, but the weight of this guy that I've created two kids with. This guy that is my husband is rooted. Does she have any other women in her life that you could reach out to and say, I'm worried about my wife.

[Carlos]

She's very close to her sisters and mom.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Are they in the same little tribe where they just send each other crazier and crazier Facebook messages?

[Carlos]

Yeah, sort of. Yeah. Okay. I think the mom is. I think, more reasonable. And. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I. I am here today because my wife reached out to a couple of my guy friends.

[Carlos]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And they. They told me things that my wife had been telling me, but I couldn't hear it from her at the time because I wasn't well.

[Carlos]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I will tell you, initially, I was like, did you. You called. So. So and so. Yeah. Because I'm worried about you.

[Carlos]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And for whatever reason, that tether was. Kept me. Kept me hanging on.

[Carlos]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But this isn't. So let me. Let me back all the way up. Yes. Your child 100 needs a birth certificate. He or she already has one, for whatever it's worth. The fact that y' all don't want to get a copy and your wife thinks she is avoiding something is madness.

[Carlos]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did y' all have that kid at home?

[Carlos]

Yeah, we did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Was there a midwife there that went registered?

[Carlos]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Carlos]

Yeah. I tried to have the cool.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. This isn't a logic issue. This is a. This is a fight or flight. This is a trauma response.

[Carlos]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Trauma is probably not the right word. This is a terrified mother response.

[Carlos]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it's getting to that level. So when I was a scared, anxious wreck, when my wife would say, hey, we have to pay bills every month, or we look at our bills, we are fine. Financially, we're okay. Then what it my body registered that as? Oh, she's one of them. When my buddy showed up and I didn't know she had called him, and he said, hey, you need to go talk to somebody, dude, you're not okay. That was the very first time that it registered with me, that maybe, just maybe it's me. Maybe it's me. And that started. That turned the car I was driving off a cliff one degree, and that started a complete total arc that here I am and my car is completely going a different direction now, this many years later. But, yes, your kid needs a birth certificate. They. They have. They have one of some shape, form, or fashion. Unless. Unless you are in the deep Appalachian mountains and y' all had a baby and your cousin delivered it and nobody like, right? And if there was no prenatal care and there was no. No. Fill in the blank. Fill in the blank. Fill in the blank. I would be stunned if when the midwife registered that there's not a Social Security number somewhere. I actually don't know the mechanics of that. All the way down. Your kid needs a polio vaccine, and your kid needs a measles vaccine. And if you don't want to listen to the show anymore, because I said that, because I'm a part of Bill, fine. Go talk to somebody's great grandparents who live through polio. Talk to parents who have buried their children from measles. Right? And I also get the. Do we need hep B the day they're born? I get all those questions. All the questions are good, but this is a scared, scared mom. Let's start there. And then it might be on you to invite couples over, to invite people over to the house to begin building a world where she's got other people she could reach out to and text and maybe get a human interaction. Maybe you say, hey, at night time, I want us to start putting our phones away. Would you join me in that? I'm going to turn my phone off when I walk in the door. A way you could love me would be to turn your phone off. Little things like that that will slowly turn this tide. But you're right to be scared for your kids, both now and in the future. But also, going to war with your wife is tough. There will come a moment when you might have to file the paperwork and deal with the blowback. But let's start with connection first. Thank you so much for the call. Man. Man, you are. You are like millions of husbands and wives Whose partners are just scared to death and trying to grasp any straw they can. And there's a return to a rootedness that we all need, especially in our marriages. Thanks, brother. We come back, A man asks how to cope with work stress after his boss ignored the safety issue. I've got a house full of pets. And when they're not okay, nobody in our house is okay. Everything gets thrown off when a pet gets sick or when a pet gets hurt. And it's impossible to get the help we need. We have to make appointments, we have to drive across town, hope we can fit it in our schedules. And listen, this is why I love Dutch. Dutch is the leading pet telehealth service that gives you 24,7 access to licensed veterinarians anytime, any, anywhere. No waiting rooms, no. Yeah, sure, we can see you in three weeks. Real help when you need it. Dutch can treat over 150 common pet conditions. And with about a 10 minute phone call from home, you're on your way to a treatment plan. And here's the best part. Dutch is super affordable. A Dutch membership covers up to five pets and includes unlimited visits, unlimited follow ups, and prescriptions. Yeah, that's right, prescriptions. They're shipped free. And with my code, all of this is less than seven bucks a month. You'll spend more than that just walking into a vet's office one time. The average pet owner saves over $800 a year with Dutch. That's great for your pets, great for your wallet, and great for your family's peace of mind. Go to Dutch.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 50 bucks off a year of veterinarian care. That's Dutch. D U t c h Dutch.com DeLoney use code DeLoney. See their site for more details. All right, we're back. Take two seconds. Take two seconds, hit pause on this and then hit the like or subscribe button. It. Golly, it makes such a huge difference for the listeners, for us, for you, for everybody. Thank you so much for doing that. Whether you're on podcast, Spotify, Apple, the, the tubes, wherever you are, just take a second, hit the subscribe button. It's such a blessing on so many levels and it cost you nothing but like two seconds. Thank you so much. All right, Reno, Nevada, let's talk to not Bill, but Ted. What's up, Ted?

[Ted]

What's going on?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just rocking on to the break of dawn, brother. What are you doing.

[Ted]

Just sitting here? Nervous, are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't be nervous. What's up, man? I'm just Kidding. That's the dumbest thing you could tell? Tell somebody. Don't be nervous. That's not helpful at all. Right. So be as nervous as you want, man. I'm glad you're here. How about that?

[Ted]

Thanks so much. So I just jump into it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. One dive, brother or cannonball? Either one.

[Marie]

Okay.

[Ted]

So basically about a month ago, there was like, we had a gas leak incident and I didn't know what to do. So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

At your house or at the office?

[Ted]

Oh, that was at the. At the job because it's like a lab, so we had to leave the building.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I have a 15 year old son and there's multiple gas leaks in my home on a regular basis. So. Okay, so at the office. Okay.

[Ted]

Yeah. So it was at the office and I didn't know what to do exactly because I've never. And there was no supervisor. So we ended up evacuating the building. And I thought, you know, I was kind of freaking out for sure because it was like a scary thing. And my boss called me and he like yelled at me. And then following that, it like the week after, it was just like, I kept getting like reprimanded and like, I was surprised because I thought that people would be like, you know, oh, man, I'm so glad you're still alive, you know, but no one ever said anything like that, so. But I'm also like stuck on crossroads in terms of jobs, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that.

[Ted]

I wanted to. So I've been like applying to things, but it's like waiting for like months to like go through application processes. So otherwise I would be like, oh, sweet, you know, I'm just gonna leave this, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. Well, and, and let me say this. You're wise to not just jump off the dock without another boat, right?

[Ted]

Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

[Marie]

Because.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you married? You have kids?

[Ted]

No, but I have roommates and rent to pay, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Excellent. Perfect. That's awesome. So I will say it like this. I have. My boss is a radio icon, and the CEO of a company has a thousand employees. I'm a very opinionated guy and so is he. And we have gotten shocker alert, We've gotten cross. I also know that after we've gotten cross, I can always, always circle back and say, hey, I want to follow up here. And then we can sit down and have that conversation with. And I always enter that conversation with, hey, how can I do this? Right? Or better next time, or I clearly did something. I always take a humble approach, not because I always think I'm wrong, but because humility is always the path forward where you get what you want to be. Right? Unless you want to burn something down. And I just have decided in my life I'm going to save burning things down to very rare moments. And so do you have the opportunity, if you were to send your boss an email or a text message that y' all could loop back and say, hey, I want to follow up, Be like, hey, I clearly screwed something up. I thought I was doing the right thing. A, how do you want me to handle this in the future? And B, how can I make this right moving forward?

[Ted]

I mean, not really. Just because, like, he is, like, very, like, strongly opinionated. So I am, too, but I always.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but. But if he strongly. If he's strongly opinionated because he's a jerk or he's. He's so scared of being wrong that that's how he goes through the world, then, yeah, you're right. That's not a person you want to work for. This whole thing will implode on itself at some point, financially, safety wise, whatever. This will implode, because that sort of power is based on not being scared or trying to squash down fear. Right?

[Carlos]

Yeah.

[Ted]

And I. Well, I think for sure, if I had the opportunity or, like, if he was the kind of person, I could sit down and, like, talk things out. Like, same thing with my supervisor. Like, I would absolutely do that. But it doesn't feel like I. I could, you know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you done that with your supervisor?

[Ted]

No, she just, like, kept, like, lecturing me and telling me, you know, what I could have done different.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so let's be reflective. Was she right?

[Ted]

Oh, for sure. Yeah. And I told her that, too. I was like, yeah, you're right. You know, like, I could have done that for sure. But it seems like no one respected it on my half that, like, I didn't feel safe, you know, And I have the right to, like, stop there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know, unless you're, like, you're feeling safe. Was not your feeling. Wasn't factually right. And so you felt scared, and then you got some new information, and they're like, no, actually, this is the path you should have taken. And they should have said, hey, we didn't. We didn't. We didn't tell you this. That's on. That's on us moving forward. Fill in the blank. Or maybe they did and you got scared and you didn't follow the protocol. But I want you to hold the tension of. I felt unsafe, but actually I was. And I pulled the fire alarm and actually, there wasn't a fire. Is there any truth to that?

[Ted]

Yeah, I think in a way that, like, I could have. Like, if I reflected on it, I could have reacted differently. But I think the problem is that when I look back on it is it's based on a lot of, like, assumptions of, you know, how that gas leak was occurring. So it would be me assuming, like, okay, you know, if I stop this, that, you know, it's gonna be done leaking and I can remove it, you know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. But do you get how both of y' all had assumptions?

[Ted]

Yeah, for sure. And I. I totally understand that. And I told that to them, too. That. But it's just hard because, you know, I feel like I've. It's definitely been a job that I've been, like, trying to get out of, you know, but the. Everything's slow, you know?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Totally. So is there a world where you take your lumps and you just move on?

[Ted]

Yeah, for sure. I definitely tried to do that. It was just, like, a terrible week. But I just didn't know how I could fix it on my end of things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know, it sounds like you can fix it in two ways. One, don't let this incident take away your character. And what do I mean by that? You said, and you've continued to say, I will show up to your place of work and do my absolute best in exchange for serving a customer and in exchange for a paycheck. And you've also decided, I don't want to work here long term, Great. That's awesome. But now that, like, as the old saying goes, when your spirit leaves your workplace, your body should go ahead and follow it as soon as possible. And so the challenge for you is, how do I keep my spirit here? When I got embarrassed when I made a call and everyone around me said it's the wrong call, and I still think the call in the moment was right, but I get what they're saying. How do you like not be buried in shame and embarrassment? Take your lumps, stand back up tall and say, I. Regardless of the environment, I am not going to cash in my character and my dignity. I'm still going to show up here, put my head down, work as hard as I possibly can, learn my lesson here. And at the same time, in the evenings, not on the clock in the morning, I'm going to get up at 5am and I'm going to stop throwing a bunch of LinkedIn stuff out there with AI cover letters, but I'm going to go call actual people doing actual Jobs that I wanted to work in. And I'm going to up my game in terms of getting out of here.

[Ted]

I see what you mean.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does that make sense? Because. Because yeah. How old are you?

[Ted]

I am 22.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Part of working on a team is striking out to end a game. That happens. Especially when coach said, hey, when you go up there, he's gonna throw you a curveball first. Don't swing. And you walk right up, he throws a curveball and you swing and whiff. And then coach goes, I told you. And you have that embarrassment. Part of you moving into like a profession is feeling a certain way, making a call, and it's a wrong call. Or maybe it was right for you, but it was wrong for the company that you serve and taking your lumps. And I could, if your leaders were calling me, if your supervisors and bosses were calling me, I, I speak at business events all over the country. I would tell them, dude, you have a 22 year old. No, not no dis here, but you have a 22 year old kid. This is first job is a gas leak. Relax, bring the kid in. Say, hey, I get why you made this call. Don't do that in the future. Here's all this is. And we need to do a better job of A, training you all and B, having a hotline that y' all can call. You know what I'm saying? That's what they should do. And they didn't. And so you get to decide, am I going to quiet quit? Am I going to, at 22, decide? I'm a person who, if I have a strong feeling, even if it's wrong, I'm going to take my ball and go home. Or am I going to take my lumps? By the way, they're going to be on to the next drama next week. I'm going to put my head down. I will be the best worker humanly in this building. I'll outwork everybody. And I'm going to prove not only to them, but to myself that I can take my lumps even if it's not given the right way. And I'm going to keep showing up here and working to serve the customer who's buying whatever products that we're making. You get what I'm saying? What I don't want you to do here is cash out just because you had a feeling and you made a call and the call was wrong and your bosses haven't handled it great. Fine.

[Ted]

I think I see what you. Yeah, so kind of like be the bigger person and Kind of move on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not about being the bigger person. It's never letting external situations take your dignity and your integrity from you.

[Ted]

I see.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you want to, if you want to say, I don't want to be the bigger person here, then the integrous thing to do would be to walk in and quit. I will not work for somebody who treats their employees this way when they make a mistake. And you're 22 and you're probably in a position where you don't have six months of an emergency fund somewhere where you can do that.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's another thing. My hope is this is a moment for you where you say, I never want to be beholden to a boss again. And so I'm going to work for the next four years and not owe anybody anything. I'm going to drive a crummier car. I'm going to pay all my student loans off. I am going to save and have six months of my expenses in a checking account, in a high yield savings account. That way, if anyone ever disrespects me, calls me out and embarrasses like, whatever, if my boss ever shows you're not a person of character, I can walk right out the door. And here's what's crazy about that. As a 22 year old, when you have that sort of security outside of the office, you stand a little bit taller and you challenge just a little bit more. And I don't know why or how this works, but supervisors and bosses tend to respond to that with, oh, that guy's got leadership potential. That guy screwed up and then held his own, said he's sorry, smiled, shook my hand, said it won't happen again, walked out. I like that confidence. I don't know why or how that works, but when somebody feels like you don't need this thing, everybody, it elevates the interaction. Does that make sense?

[Ted]

Yeah, for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so, man, this is one of those beautiful moments for you. There's 25, 25 different lessons you can learn here, 30 different lessons here. And I almost think the greatest lesson you can learn, not from anybody else, but for your own grit and resilience and inner strength is actually, I'm not going to quit. I'm going to keep going in here where it quote, unquote feels, yeah, I'm going to practice being a person of such high character and integrity. I'm going to work my butt off. As long as I'm taking their check, I'm going to go all in every day.

[Ted]

I see.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does that make sense? I know and I know every one of your roommates is like, screw them, get out of here. And if we look around, there's too many 30 year old men like us living in their mom's basement still.

[Ted]

Yeah, that's, that is a fear because.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They have a feeling like I don't feel safe. I don't feel like my boss likes me. I don't feel. And they just leave because they're letting her feel run their life, bro. I have done interviews in this new job I'm in on national media and I have blown it. Right. It has not felt good. And I could choose to just be like I quit or I could be like, you're right, I'm going to own it. I'm going to head back in. And I am blessed at a place where supervisors across my company that I work for, even the CEO, the president, those are different people. I, I know I can go sit down with them and that's where I'm here long term. And you, if you don't have that, that's fair. That's a good call out. I don't want to work for that company long term because the leadership's going to crash that place at some point. But you get to decide you can be a person of resilience moving forward. Are you in?

[Ted]

Yeah, totally.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I love this, this sounds crazy. I love the spiritual and exercise for you here. This is how a young man grows in strength and resilience and confidence which is.

[Ted]

I, I, I got embarrassed. I thought it was like, go ahead. Oh, sorry, no, go ahead. I was just gonna say I thought it was, you know, like such a regrettable experience, but I think you're helping me realize it's like for my youth. It's something I should be thankful for.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, yeah, yeah, dude. And would I want you to go through it again? No. And you can be regretful. A regrettable experience. It can be an uncomfortable experience and it can be a refining, strength, building experience too. It's who are you going to be after the thing happened? That's character. And maybe you learned at 22. Okay, my feelings aren't always right or I'm going to make a call when I don't feel safe. I'm going to always default to safety and sometimes I'm going to over swing. Especially at 22, especially with a gas leak, for God's sakes.

[Carlos]

Right? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It doesn't make you crazy. But I think two and by the way, this is going to happen in, in a romantic relationship, you're going to do something that you think is right. You're gonna have a feeling about something. You're gonna make a call, and your. Your significant other, your romantic partner is going to blow up. They're not gonna. They're gonna. They're going to withdraw, they're going to run, they're going to break up with you. They're going to do something like, ah. And you're going to decide, oh, I don't feel. Fill in the blank. What's the next right thing beneath that feeling? Because feelings aren't designed to tell us the truth. They're designed to keep us safe. And so your feelings in this moment, you hurt. You heard a twig snap in the forest and you went running. And they're like, dude, that was just a squirrel. Could have been a bear, could have eaten you, but it was a squirrel. And it's almost always going to be a squirrel. All right? I'm going to learn that it's just wisdom. That is just experience and wisdom. So, dude, I think you're right. I think your. Your bosses didn't handle this right. I think you probably overreacted. And all that's true. And you probably feel some guilt, you probably feel some shame, and you probably feel like. And they're beating up on you because you're 22 and you're new, fine. The question is, who are you going to be now? And I will not let them have my dignity. I will not let them have my integrity. And that means two things. One, I'm gonna keep show if I'm gonna take their paycheck, I'm gonna keep showing up, giving my 100% because me quiet quitting me being like me that says everything about me and nothing about them. The second thing is, I am going to start at 22. I have a goal at 25. I will be completely, completely. I won't owe anybody any money. I'm gonna have cash in the bank that I'm not investing and putting in crypto. I'm going have some cash in the bank so that if in the future I need to walk, I can smile and shake their hand and say, cool. You'll have my resignation by the end of the day. You'll have a great day. I have a smile on my face because I am going to have a foundation that I can anchor into, not the whims of some boss that likes to beat up 22 year olds. So well played, brother. The next move for you is going to give you a trajectory on the man you are going to become. And, man, these are those. These are those make or break moments for. For young men. And I've been there, dude. My suggestion to you is take your lumps on this one. Keep showing up and working hard. If you don't want to be in this business long term, great. But don't let let anybody have your integrity. We'll be right back. Hey, what up? How we doing? Listen, My family and I traveled a lot this holiday season, and some of the mattresses I slept on were not the best. I found myself counting down the hours until I could get back home onto my Helix mattress. Sleeping on a Helix mattress has transformed my rest. My whole family sleeps on Helix mattresses, and we all love coming home and getting into our own beds. I even have a Helix mattress in my guest room. And when people come crash at my house, they always, always want to know about this amazing mattress that they spent the night on. Helix mattresses are that good because they make mattresses for real people. Whether you sleep hot or cold or on your side or on your back, Helix customizes their mattresses to you and your sleep style. I got online and took the Helix sleep quiz. It takes like two minutes, and I want you to do the same thing. They're going to match you with the perfect mattress just for you. Plus, Helix is extending their new year sale exclusively for my audience. Go to helixsleep.com DeLoney for 27% off site wide. That's Helix H E l I x helixsleep.com Deloney for 27 off site wide. And tell Helix you heard about their mattresses right here on this show with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. All right, we're back. You got a money and marriage question. And I think by the time this is coming out, the February money marriage will be sold out. If it's not, I would love to have you. If there's a few seats left. Ramseysolutions.com events come through the money marriage retreat here in Nashville over Valentine's Day weekend. It's the best marriage retreat on planet earth in my opinion. And I got the microphone, so I think I'm right. All right, so here's the question. I have a hard time speaking up for what I want in the bedroom. This is not on my husband. It's me. It's tangled up in my insecurity. So, man, there's so much here that it's hard for me to give just a blanket answer here. But I want you to back out of speaking up for what you want in the Bedroom. And I want you to define intimacy as the creation of a secret world between two people. And in this secret world, we do things together, we talk about things together. And he knows what scares you. He knows what makes you feel uncomfortable. Like, you know what makes him feel uncomfortable, what scares him, what he likes. And I want you to get inside there. And so learning, having a hard time speaking up for dot, dot, dot. That's the problem we solve here, not just in the bedroom, because my guess is you have problems speaking up about other things, too. And so I want to put that on the table. And it could be that your husband is. Is great, but he hasn't created a world where you feel safe enough to put on the table. Or it could be that speaking up for what you wanted has been something that got you whapped and ignored and beat up or whatever since you were a little kid. And so what we're going to do in this secret world is we are going to begin to practice speaking up for what you want. And what are we gonna. I want you to hear that word, practice. And so you and your husband come up with a ritual. A weekly three things I'm gonna speak up for. I'm just gonna practice. And you have to tell them you can't fix this. You can't be. You can't withdraw. Be like, oh, you should have told me you can't do that. I'm practicing, and I need you to stay present with me and hold my hands while I practice. And I'm get all nervous. I'm gonna get all scared.

[Marie]

Ah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then I'm gonna practice three things, saying three things a week. I have a hard time speaking up about how you empty the dishwasher. What?

[Marie]

What?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Somebody say it. I have a hard time saying that I don't love intercourse as much as oral sex. Can I just. Can I just say it? Okay. I have a hard time saying I don't like our church that we go to, whatever those things are. And I want you to begin practice not just speaking up for what you want in the bedroom, but. But practice speaking up, period. And couples across the country are telling me that the erotic envelope system. You go to Walgreens, get an envelope. He writes down five things he wants to try in the bedroom or likes. You write down five things you want to try or like in the bedroom, and you'll put it in an envelope. And once a week, once every two weeks, once a month, you draw one of those things. And here's the rules. The other person has to be curious about it. No judgment. Even if they're like, oh, it's gross, or that's weird, or I feel practice. And then part of the intimacy is not just going to do the act on the card. Part of the intimacy is you telling him why you put that on the card. And now you're talking about total transformation. But this is something you're going to practice, not just about sex, not just about the bedroom, but about everything. And now you're talking about a fortified, secret world. And now your marriage changes forever. Great. Great question. Thank you so, so much for reaching out. I love you guys. Thank you for continuing to show up and listen to the show, send it to a couple of friends. See y' all soon.