Transcript

Lynn (0:05)

I found out my husband, at 41 years is in a relationship with another woman. And since then, I have found out it's been a lifetime of infidelities. And he's an ordained pastor. We've been at a pastorate. So this has happened all during that time.

Dr. John DeLoney (0:22)

I'm so, so sorry. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show, taking your calls. Real people going through real challenges all over the planet. Pull up a seat and we'll figure out what's the next right move for your marriage, your dating life, your kids, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on. I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now, we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in Marriage Getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at 749 bucks a couple. Get yours@ramsey solutions.com getaway. All right, let's go into Corpus Christie, Texas, and talk to Lynn. What up, Lynn?

Lynn (1:19)

Hello.

Dr. John DeLoney (1:20)

How we doing?

Lynn (1:21)

Oh, not so good.

Dr. John DeLoney (1:23)

Not so good. Well, I'm glad that you called.

Caller/Support Person (1:25)

How can I help, man?

Dr. John DeLoney (1:29)

Take a breath. Take a breath. You're good.

Lynn (1:31)

Yeah.

Dr. John DeLoney (1:31)

You're good.

Lynn (1:32)

It's been a rough morning.

Dr. John DeLoney (1:34)

I'm sorry.

Lynn (1:35)

Yeah. Six weeks ago, yesterday, I found out my husband, at 41 years, is in a relationship with another woman. And since then, I have found out it's been a lifetime of infidelities. Another thing, he's surrendered to the ministry in 2001. He's an ordained pastor. We've been at pastorate or the mission field. So this has happened all during that time? Marina, we have five grown children and 17 grandchildren.

Dr. John DeLoney (2:15)

Holy smokes.

Lynn (2:17)

And we're devastated. Yeah, we don't. We don't know this person.

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: The Dr. John Delony Show
Host: Dr. John Delony, Ramsey Network
Episode: "My Husband Has Been Living a Double Life"
Date: December 17, 2025

Main Theme and Purpose

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show focuses primarily on callers wrestling with deep relationship betrayals, personal crisis, and the challenges of rebuilding trust and identity amidst emotional trauma. Dr. Delony addresses issues ranging from marital infidelity and abuse, to the impact of dishonesty on marriages, and the powerlessness and shame surrounding parenthood after traumatic births. Through direct, compassionate conversation, he offers listeners practical frameworks for reclaiming agency, prioritizing safety, and processing profound grief.

Key Discussions and Insights

1. Lynn’s Story: Betrayal, Abuse, and Taking Back Control

[00:05]–[16:55]

Overview

Lynn calls in, devastated after discovering her husband of 41 years—a longtime ordained pastor—has led a secret life filled with infidelities. The crisis is compounded by his violence toward her and the destruction of her family’s trust, identity, and legacy.

Major Points

Immediate Trauma and Grief:
- Lynn describes overwhelming sadness, loss, and identity confusion after her husband's double life is revealed.
  - “Waves of just mournful crying.” —Lynn [03:48]
- Dr. Delony validates this as a trauma akin to a death.
  - “This is every bit a death. And if you don't grieve it as seriously as a death, it will haunt you.” —Dr. John Delony [07:27]
Trust Shattered and Self-Doubt:
- Lynn admits to recent suspicions, but the revelation is a majority blindside.
  - “This last thing was a blind side... I didn't know that.” —Lynn [07:17]
- Delony highlights how such betrayals erode not only trust in others, but in oneself.
  - “Not only did you lose trust in him, but you lost trust in you. And that's terrifying, right?” —Dr. John Delony [05:47]
Violence and Escape:
- Lynn shares a recent violent incident where her husband physically assaulted her, prompting her adult children to rescue her and help her leave.
  - “It got violent. He left bruises on me.” —Lynn [08:49]
- She struggles with reporting the abuse, feeling her pain might not “be enough” for the authorities, referencing her prison ministry experience.
Dr. Delony’s Critical Intervention:
- He insists Lynn understand the seriousness of her abuse and dismantles her minimization:
  - “Abuse is abuse. Just because you had bruises and not broken bones doesn't mean what happened to you wasn't an act of profound, terrifying violence.” —Dr. John Delony [10:21]
- Delony repeatedly tells Lynn she’s now in the “driver’s seat” and must shift from victimhood to agency:
  - “As of today, you decide what happens next.” —Dr. John Delony [11:40]
Action Steps for Agency and Safety:
- Delony urges Lynn to:
  - Prioritize immediate safety, basic needs, and financial security.
  - Start using empowering language: “I am going to…” or “I will…” statements.
  - Lean on her adult children and support network.
  - Consider involving legal counsel and alerting church leadership if she chooses.
Breaking Down the Myth of Remorse:
- Lynn mentions her husband’s supposed remorse; Dr. Delony calls it out as self-preservation after being caught.
  - “No, he's not. He's in a I got my ass caught state…That is not a state of remorse. That is a state of caught red handed.” —Dr. John Delony [14:25]
Pivotal Moment:
- Dr. Delony’s core message to Lynn:
  - “If you think of nothing else from what I talk to you about, remember this sentence: I get to choose what happens next. I get to choose.” —Dr. John Delony [16:19]

2. Matt’s Struggle: Pornography, Infidelity, and Honest Recovery

[21:31]–[36:05]

Overview

Matt, newly married, confesses to hiding a pornography addiction and infidelities. As a serial “fudger” of the truth, he now faces losing his marriage after his lies are discovered.

Key Insights

History of Hiding and Self-Loathing:
- Matt has a consistent pattern of hiding, lying, and avoiding hard conversations out of shame.
  - “I'm realizing now that I, like, I lie about things, whether they're trivial or not…I think deep down, I'm just ashamed of the kind of person that I was, or maybe I still am.” —Matt [25:44]
  - “You don’t think you deserve her.” —Dr. John Delony [27:58]
- Delony insists Matt’s real enemy is not just pornography but his “not liking being in his own skin.” [33:40]
Path to Healing – Radical Honesty and Self-Agency:
- Dr. Delony lays the groundwork for trust-building:
  - Relational honesty: “I will never, ever, ever lie again to you.” [29:51]
  - Proactive accountability: “I want you to create a path back to trust. And I’m going to commit to following that path.” [31:02]
  - Self-trust: “Here’s the person you need to begin to develop trust with first: You. You don’t trust you.” —Dr. John Delony [34:32]
- Suggests Matt lead with scheduled, practical transparency (budget/calendar meetings), boundaries (limiting Internet use), and daily demonstrations of care (e.g., writing his wife daily notes).
Therapy and Support:
- Dr. Delony will provide Matt with three months of therapy and his book, emphasizing character development as an inside-out process.
  - “Day one. Game on.” —Dr. John Delony [36:05]

3. Isaac’s Journey: Shame and Powerlessness in Special Needs Fatherhood

[38:24]–[54:29]

Overview

Isaac, a new father to a son born premature with Down syndrome, grapples with shame, inherited cultural beliefs, trauma, and a feeling of impotence as a protector. He worries about passing on a legacy of trauma and wrestles with his role in his son’s challenges.

Lessons and Support

Cultural and Family Trauma:
- Isaac describes his family’s orthodox religious culture, which frames suffering as punishment for insufficient obedience.
  - “Maybe more like God will only love me if I perform well and if I follow the rules.” —Isaac [42:20]
Finding Power Amidst Powerlessness:
- Dr. Delony reframes Isaac’s perceived powerlessness:
  - “You felt powerless, but you did the next right thing, which is to love that woman.” —Dr. John Delony [47:12]
  - A third path: feel the pain, then do the next right hard thing—true masculinity and fatherhood. [48:22]
- Highlights the dual reality: It’s valid both to wish things hadn’t happened and to embrace love for your child.
Advice for Coping and Growth:
- Build a supportive community of honest men.
- Focus daily on loving his wife.
- Educate himself on the laws, resources, and support systems for special needs parenting.
- Accept love and support from family, even if delivered imperfectly.
Memorable Supportive Quote:
- “Those people will be in your corner. Even if you don't like the way they're doing it, they'll be in your corner. And that's amazing…A lot of people call into this show and they haven't been the dads they want to be. You, my man, are.” —Dr. John Delony [54:13]

4. Lighter Segment: Kelly’s Surgery and Holiday Chat

[57:17]–[59:57]

Brief, lighthearted banter regarding Kelly’s upcoming meniscus surgery, holiday traditions, and family dynamics.
Not directly related to the main episode themes but provides a return to normalcy and connection with listeners.

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

“Your life has been a lie, right?” —Dr. John Delony [03:58]
“You've got the grief that, like, I don't know this person. That's a deep and profound grief.” —Dr. John Delony [04:39]
“You have been a victim for a long, long, long time…As of today, you decide what happens next.” —Dr. John Delony [11:14],[11:40]
“The marriage you had is over. The life you had is over.” —Dr. John Delony [07:52]
“I don't want to look at pornography as the ‘problem.’ The problem beneath that is you don’t like being in your own skin.” —Dr. John Delony [33:40]
“You don’t trust you. You get what I’m saying?” —Dr. John Delony [34:32]
“True masculinity…is to feel that feeling, which you did, and then go do the next right hard thing anyway.” —Dr. John Delony [48:22]
“Both things are true. It is that dichotomy…That’s masculinity. Can you feel that dichotomy and go do the next right thing?” —Dr. John Delony [52:23]

Important Timestamps

[00:05]–[16:55]: Lynn’s call – infidelity, abuse, agency.
[21:31]–[36:05]: Matt’s call – dishonesty, addiction, integrity.
[38:24]–[54:29]: Isaac’s call – special needs fatherhood, cultural shame, resilience.
[57:17]–[59:57]: Kelly’s holiday/surgery banter.

Overall Tone and Language

Dr. Delony maintains a warm, direct, and empathetic approach, combining hard truths with supportive encouragement. He validates the deeply painful emotions of his callers, steering them towards agency, rigorous honesty, and the practical first steps of healing—usually starting with the basics of safety, clear-headed decision-making, and seeking professional support when needed.

Useful Takeaways for Listeners

Major betrayals (infidelity, abuse) necessitate real grief, a focus on immediate safety, and reclaiming one’s agency through action and self-affirming language.
Honesty and self-trust are foundational to rebuilding any relationship that’s been breached by secrets or addiction.
Feeling powerless as a parent doesn’t mean being powerless; showing up and loving well is profound and enough.
Letting oneself be supported, even imperfectly, and integrating professional help can make all the difference.

For anyone facing betrayal, addiction, or a major family crisis, this episode offers both the somber reality of the journey ahead and hope for agency, support, and eventual rebuilding.