My Husband Hates the Person I've Become

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: My Husband Hates the Person I've Become
Date: November 28, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

---

Overview

This deeply personal episode features Dr. John Delony taking calls from listeners struggling with various marital and trust issues, especially around the lingering effects of past trauma, emotional neglect, infidelity, and painful betrayals within marriage. The conversations focus on self-forgiveness, setting boundaries, repairing trust, and navigating overwhelming feelings while honoring one’s own emotional truth. Dr. Delony is compassionate yet direct, challenging callers to own their stories and chart a path forward.

---

Main Segments & Key Discussion Points

---

1. Amanda: Navigating Resentment and Loneliness After Leaving a High-Demand Religion

(Starts ~01:32)

Caller Details

• Amanda, married 27 years, both she and her husband left a strict religion.
• Struggles with resentment over past and ongoing emotional neglect, critical comments about her appearance, and feeling unheard/unwanted.

Discussion Highlights

• Past & Present Hurt:
  Amanda describes her compliant role in marriage and how both she and her husband internalized roles dictated by their religious community. Even after leaving, her husband remains critical, especially about her appearance and emotions.

• Breaking the Cycle:
  Dr. Delony validates her pain, distinguishing between past wounds and continuing behavior:

  "These actions are continuing…that's a scarier proposition…you've got to deal with this present reality that my husband looks me in the eye and says, you are not beautiful enough for me." (05:39)

• Grace & Forgiveness (Self and Others):
  John emphasizes the need to forgive herself for past compliance:

  "Most people don’t do what I think is the next hardest step, which is forgive themselves." (07:20)
  Amanda: "I never thought to do that." (07:25)

• Emotional Neglect During Cancer:
  Amanda describes loneliness during breast cancer, with her husband downplaying her pain:

  “There would be nights I would cry myself to sleep in my closet because he would be so frustrated with me by how I was handling it...” (08:18)
  Delony strongly responds:
  “Let me tell you straight up. That’s not supposed to happen like that. … I’m doing my best not to get enraged inside my chest.” (09:32)

• Naming the Loneliness:
  Delony points out the traumatic isolation she’s felt for decades:

  "You’ve been lonely inside your house for a long, long time, haven’t you?" (10:11)
  Amanda: "27 years." (10:12)

• The Pain of Squashing Self:

  “When we squash part of ourselves to make ourselves 'lovable,' there’s always a story we tell ourselves that when the chips are down, our spouse will stand beside us...You found yourself all alone. That’s the definition of trauma.” (10:23)

• Addressing Communication Fears:
  Dr. Delony encourages her to voice her pain but recognizes the risk if her husband refuses to hear:

  “He won’t hear you. … He just gets mad, and then I feel like I have to squash it again because I’ve made him feel some kind of way and I need to fix it.” (11:51)

• Advice for a Hard Conversation:

  • Use “I” statements, invite him to show up as an adult, own her own feelings.
  • Find a community or group for emotional support if her husband is not safe for vulnerability.

• Self-Compassion Letter:

  “Write a letter to 22-year-old you and tell her I forgive you. ... She was just trying to make do with what she knew.” (18:28)

Memorable Quotes

• “He was such a weak, childish coward that he can’t hold his wife’s feelings... If you can’t hold your wife’s pain, you are not a man. Period.” — John (13:40)
• “Your pain is real. ... You’re not crazy and your pain is real and your feelings are righteous and—and—and—good.” (18:04)

---

2. Rose: Rebuilding Trust after Husband’s Betrayal (Masturbating to Her Sisters’ Photos)

(Starts ~22:41)

Caller Details

• Rose, 22, married for 1.5 years, husband is 28.
• Has a 6-month-old baby, history of sexual trauma, husband has long-term porn use, recently confessed to using her sisters’ photos for sexual gratification.

Discussion Highlights

• Details of Disclosure:
  Husband confessed to previously hiding the full extent of his actions. Rose found out after sensing distance and asking directly (25:13).

• Acknowledgment of Personalization:
  Delony differentiates the betrayal from generic porn use:

  "There’s a personalization to this that feels gross. … It’s just, ugh, those are my sisters, for God's sakes." (27:09 / 31:59)

• Boundaries on Telling Sisters:
  Dr. Delony suggests not telling her sisters at this stage—it would be more harmful than helpful. “There’s radical transparency and radical honesty. ... It can get to ... be unhelpful.” (27:54)

• Supporting Her Husband vs. Minimizing Her Pain:
  Delony affirms her vigilance and intuition—she trusted her body and her emotional data.

  • Her husband’s behavior is linked to his own discomfort and addictive cycles, not her or her sisters personally. “It was more about, like, the fantasy...” (31:19)

• Path Back to Trust:
  Rose is advised to decide what building trust will look like for her, using “I” statements:

  "I am wrestling with a path back to trust. ... So this year, I'm gonna do Thanksgiving with just me and the baby and my family." (30:01)

• Prioritizing Marriage and Boundaries with Sisters:
  Delony stresses:

  "Your new primary relationship is your marriage. … There are boundaries." (35:23)

• Pressure of Loyalty and Secrets:
  Rose is torn as her sisters are her best friends, but Delony recommends waiting until the wound heals before disclosing details, if at all:

  "I would love for you and your husband to work together on what does healing look like, what is building trust look like. And when that wound is healed down the road and it’s just a scar, then maybe we have that deeper conversation." (37:14)

Memorable Quotes:

• "You trusted your guts and I’m glad that you did that." — John (37:25)
• "I want to give you a tool for someone to call when the holiday stress gets too heavy." — John (59:30, on counseling)

---

3. Emily: Emotional Infidelity, Self-Sabotage & Surrendering to Repair

(Starts ~41:05)

Caller Details

• Emily, 20-year marriage, 4 kids.
• Admits to multiple episodes of reaching out to men (online and, recently, texting her husband's brother).
• Past secret emotional affair lasted nearly a decade.

Discussion Highlights

• Why Stay?
  Dr. Delony challenges Emily’s assertion that her husband is 'perfect' and she loves him, pointing to her actions:

  "You’re looking at love backwards. … When you get married to somebody and you build a life with somebody, you say your life first, me second." (48:18)

• Avoiding Painful Reality:
  Emily’s avoidance of her own emotional truth is called out directly:

  "You're avoiding reality here." (45:10)

• Ownership and Trust:
  Delony presses the need for full honesty in therapy and concrete steps to demonstrate change:

  "Before you walk into a therapist office, you have to make two commitments. One, you will tell a therapist, both your couples therapist and individual, 100% of the truth." (49:38) "He gets to decide what the path back is." (51:18)

• Consequences and Surrender:
  Dr. Delony suggests surrender:

  "You take a knee and surrender and say you make the path back to trust. … I’m all in or I’m not all in. And you get to make that choice." (51:18)

Memorable Quotes:

• "It just feels like you—this is a game to you, and it's just—it's not a game." — John (53:31)
• "There’s a reckoning of reality that has to happen, which is this sense that I betrayed myself and I betrayed this man who’s given 20 years of his life to me." (55:29)
• "It’s not a game. … I gotta own it. I gotta ask you, will you still have me?" (56:04)

---

Notable Moments (With Timestamps)

• Self-Compassion as Step to Healing
  "Write a letter to 22-year-old you and tell her I forgive you." — John (18:28)

• On Emotional Neglect and Marriage Roles
  "When we squash part of ourselves to make ourselves 'lovable,' ... when the chips fall, you found yourself all alone. That's the definition of trauma." — John (10:23)

• On Male Emotional Responsibility
  "If you can't hold your wife's pain, you are not a man, period." — John (13:40)

• Path to Rebuilding Trust after Betrayal
  "You get to decide what the path back to trust looks like." — John (29:41)

• Ownership and Surrender in Repair
  “You take a knee and surrender and say you make the path back to trust... because I've blown it up too many times.” — John (51:18)

---

Tone and Language

Dr. Delony is warm, compassionate, but never sugarcoats hard realities. He gently but firmly challenges his callers to be honest with themselves and others, often using vivid metaphors and direct language. He normalizes the pain inherent in these situations, always bringing conversation back to self-awareness, ownership of choices, and actionable next steps.

---

Takeaways

• Forgiveness must include oneself, especially after leaving high-control cultures or enduring long-term compliance.
• Loneliness within marriage can be as traumatic as any external loss, especially when emotional needs are persistently invalidated.
• Betrayal’s aftermath is complex; rebuilding trust must begin with full ownership, radical honesty, and letting the injured partner define the process.
• Boundaries and primary loyalties shift in marriage—honoring the marriage sometimes means keeping painful information within the couple while wounds are raw.
• Healing from betrayal and infidelity requires both partners’ commitment to brutal honesty, surrendering pride, and a willingness to walk the hard path back to trust as defined by the injured party.

---

This episode offers deep empathy for those in long-term emotional pain and encourages courageous honesty as the foundation for all healing, while never minimizing the reality of long-term trauma or the necessity for hard conversations and boundary-setting.

Transcript

[A]

All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in Marriage Getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at 749 bucks a couple. Get [e-mail] getaway.

[B]

My husband and I have been married for 27 years. I was a very compliant wife. I've had lots of children. I've done all the right things. I wasn't the standard of beauty, I guess you could say. And so he would say things to me like, well, you're cute. And I would be like, but I want to be beautiful. Well, you're not beautiful. You're cute.

[A]

Okay, let me tell you straight up. What's going on. This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking calls from all over the world. A real person talking to real people who are going through real challenges, people who are struggling to fix their marriages, to heal their past, to deal with kid challenges, mental and emotional health. Whatever you got going on in your life. For over two decades, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show. Go to john deloney.com ask, fill out the form, and we'll get you on. So got to San Antonio, Texas, home of the greatest food in America, and talk to Amanda. What's up, Amanda?

[C]

Morning.

[B]

How are you, John?

[A]

I'm outstanding. How are you?

[B]

I'm great. I'm super excited to be speaking with you today.

[A]

I'm really grateful that you called. What's going on?

[B]

So my husband and I have been married for 27 years. We both were in the same high religion, high demand religion, and we have both eventually left it. I left it about 12 years ago. He's kind of gone back and forth, but he's completely out now. But I just have. I'm realizing I have lots of resentment around how he treated me while we were in the religion and then since. And now I'm older and I'm realizing he also has all his own trauma around that. But I don't quite know how to forgive where we've been and move forward, forward past how I'm feeling right now.

[A]

So give me some examples of some things that you are still resenting.

[B]

Okay. So when we were in the religion, I was very. I don't know how to describe it. I don't want to say good girl because I don't think I'm a bad girl. But I was very good at following all the rules.

[A]

How about a compliant girl?

[B]

Compliant, Very good. That's a perfect work.

[A]

At the same time, what you were told, and you took all your wants and needs and feelings and shove them in a box and absolutely did what the next person told you to do. Okay.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely. So that's how I grew up. And then I. The thing I always say to everybody is, I left my dad's house and went straight to my husband. So I was very compliant growing up. I was a very compliant wife. I've had lots of children. I've done all the right things, and then I just couldn't do it anymore. And so now that I've left, realized that he was probably just telling me what he was told to tell me while we were younger. But it's made me feel bad because it was a lot of how he didn't like the way I looked. He didn't. I wasn't the standard of beauty, I guess you could say, in our religion. And so he would say things to me like, well, you're cute. And I would be like, but I want to be beautiful. Well, you're not beautiful. You're cute, you know? So he would kind of downplay, I don't know how I felt about myself all the time. And then the house was never clean enough. The kids were never quiet enough. It was a lot of that growing when they were growing up. Now that I've changed and I feel like I look different and I behave different now, I get a lot of, well, I don't like the way you look. I don't like the way you talk. I don't like. So I just feel like it doesn't matter what I look and say and do. I'm not good enough or right for him. So I just. I don't know quite what to do with those feelings because I. I don't want to be divorced, and I don't want to leave him. And I understand. We've lived a pretty great life. It's just a lot of these feelings have just kind of all piled up on themselves, and I don't know how to deal with it.

[A]

Yeah, thank you for sharing that. So I hear two things happening at the same time. One is you were both in religious tradition that told him that every wrong thing in his life was the woman in his life's fault.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

And you were told that everything you feel is wrong and the things you're supposed to feel are whatever he tells you to do.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

And over time, you Both broke free from that. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I also hear those same things. He's continuing to hurt you in that way.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so I don't want you to conflate. I'm. I. I resent the way he used to treat. I want you to own. This is happening right now. Okay. And that's a. That's a. That's. It's more. It's both a. More graceful. Y' all were both breathing in the same smoke 10, 15 years ago.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're not anymore. And yet these actions are continuing.

[B]

Wow. Yeah.

[A]

So that's a scarier proposition. It's at the same time more graceful. And also I got to deal with this present reality that my husband looks me in the eye and says, you are not beautiful enough for me.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And probably me saying the words, I'll give you a pass, it's probably not the right way to say that, but I'll give anybody grace on them simply walking on the. On the path they were given and assigned.

[C]

Yeah, for sure.

[B]

For sure.

[A]

Especially because if you. If you're in a high demand religion, you probably. This move probably cost you friends. It probably cost you family. It comes with a lot of unhooking, which is really painful. Right.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I describe it as a death. I feel like I had a death in my life. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

And so I'm not going to say I'm gifts my past, but, dude, I've got so much grace. For folks who look back and think, oh, my gosh, look who I was. Look what I did. Look who I became. And some of that, to be honest with you, is you. We talk a lot about, like, when you break free from these type of unhealthy. And in this case, sometimes it's family dynamics, sometimes it's religion dynamics. That sense of empowerment you feel, it can. It almost always leads to this contempt. Like, I'm above this now. I figured out something and all of y' all hurt me, and y' all were painful, and some of that's true. But here's the challenge. Most people don't do what I think is the next hardest step, which is forgive themselves. Wow.

[B]

I never thought to do that.

[A]

Well, it often that discomfort we're still carrying around about what they did to me, what they did to me also is in a. In a twisted way, I allowed this to happen. I signed up for this. I participated in this for 5, 10, 20, 30 years.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. And that comes with forgiveness and grace for the woman you see in the mirror. And none of that none of it excuses where you and your husband are right now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So tell me about the things he says. Because what I hear is. And listen, I can be super wrong, what I'm hearing. So I want you to help correct me.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What I'm hearing is you just want this guy that you've built a life with. You want him to want you.

[B]

Yeah, tell me about that. No, that's absolutely it. That's absolutely it. I mean, about four years ago, I found out I had breast cancer. And he was so hands off with me. It just. It was almost surprising to me how hands off. I mean, there would be nights I would cry myself to sleep in my closet because he would be so frustrated with me by how I was handling it and tell me about me that has made me feel. He would tell me that I was being too negative or I. Or it's not that big of a deal or people have it worse or. And so I would lay in bed and cry because I wasn't trying to be negative. And. But I also had to feel what I was feeling at the time. And so I would lay in bed and cry at night because I had. I felt like I always had to keep it together because unfortunately for me, I'm a people pleaser by to the end. But so I would feel like I had to keep it together for everybody at work all day and my kids and yada, yada, yada. And then I would just want to be able to just cry in bed at night if I needed to. And he would tell me, you're going to die if you're this negative. You can't keep doing this. You're just being so negative and.

[A]

Good gosh. Okay, let me just tell you. Let me tell you straight up. That's not supposed to happen like that.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Like I'm. I'm. I'm doing my best to not get enraged inside my chest.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. On your behalf. And I don't even. I just met you.

[C]

I'm sorry.

[A]

No, don't be sorry. I'll just sit here with you for a sec. Because you've been lonely inside your house for a long, long time, haven't you?

[B]

27 years.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And you got to experience, I think, one of the scariest things ever, which is when we squash part of ourself to make ourselves, quote unquote lovable. There's always a story we tell ourselves that when the chips are down, our spouse will stand beside us.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And so you squash part of yourself for a Long, long time. And he did, too.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But then.

[A]

Then the chips fell, and you found yourself all alone.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Still, that's the definition of trauma, is a disconnection from yourself and others. Now here's. Here's my next statement. You can't control him. So my next question for you is, have you sat down across the table and chosen not to continue to hold this pain in. In this new era that you're in, this new season of empowerment and strength, and said, here is how you hurt me? Or a better way to say it is, I was so, so hurt.

[B]

I'm honestly afraid to say it.

[A]

Tell me what that fear is.

[B]

I feel like anytime I've tried to be honest about my feelings, he can't hear me.

[A]

That's not true. He won't hear you.

[C]

He won't.

[B]

Yeah, he won't hear me. He just gets mad about. And then he turns it into, I never do anything right, and I'm always a failure. And then I feel like I have to squash it again because I've made him feel some kind of way, and I need to fix it.

[A]

So in. In. There's an old therapy saying. There's. There's a one up and a one down position. Okay. Sometimes it tends to fall across gender lines, although I'm watching it in real time shift, where men often hold one up position because they're just got bigger muscles and they can get loud and they can be ferocious. Right. This is my house. This is the way we're going to do things. But there's also a way to take power over a household in the one down position. And the joke I always make is, we all have that. Like, that. That woman in our family that's like, oh, I. I don't want to eat there. You know what? That's okay. I just won't eat. I'll just eat the napkins in the glove box. Y' all go ahead without me. And it's a way that the whole family stops and goes, okay, where do you want to go? Right. It's a. It's the same capture of power just done in a different way. And I'm watching more and more men take this on. As culture has said, hey, you can't beat your chest and yell anymore, because masculinity, like, it's a poisonous version of that. What they're doing now is, I just can't do anything right, and you just hate me, and I'm such a failure. And it's. And then the whole house goes, you're not a Failure. Right. And it's. It's. It's the same move. It's just done on the other side, underneath the water instead. On top of the boat.

[B]

Yeah. And it's almost like I can't point it out, because what is it?

[C]

I don't.

[A]

Yeah, here's what it is. My body was at war with me, and you blamed me for making you uncomfortable. Every time I have a feeling inside my own house, you tell me something is wrong with me. You are such a weak, childish coward that you can't hold your wife's feelings. And you can lift all the weights in the world and do all the MMA in the world and get all the tattoos in the world and have all the guns in the world and listen to all the red pill podcasts in the world, but if you can't hold your wife's pain, you are not a man, period.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's the job. And not only is that the job, that's the greatest gift on the planet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so hear me say, your pain is real. Now, I've seen some people be successful, both men and women, by sitting down and saying, we need to have a hard conversation. And I'm gonna ask you to act like an adult here.

[C]

Okay?

[A]

What does that mean? What does it. I'm gonna say some heavy things, and I'm gonna ask you to not retreat. I'm gonna ask you to stand firm, and I'm gonna ask you to final me.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And I'm going to challenge you as best as possible to use I statements instead of you statements.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, I definitely need to work on that. Okay.

[A]

And somebody who feels perpetually attacked in their home with you, you.

[C]

You.

[A]

You perpetually feels like a victim.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Versus I had breast cancer. And you blamed me for crying too loud.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I went through this many years of being told that my voice didn't matter, and I just want you to look at me and say, I'm glad that you're my wife.

[B]

Sorry I'm a crybaby.

[A]

No, you're not a crybaby. You're somebody who's got your emotions. Rightfully so, because for a big chunk of your life, they told you God didn't like your emotions. And then the person that you were hitched to.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Said, they make me uncomfortable. So keep them bottled up. They will bubble over. And here's what's. Tell me if I'm wrong. Are there seasons, are there times when you just explode? And then he goes, see? See?

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Okay. That's what happens. That's what Happens when these things get just shaken up like a 2 liter bottle with the lid on intimacy.

[B]

When I do that.

[A]

Well, I, I know, but it's, it's a way that somebody will point at you and make it your fault. And so here's what happens, has to happen. You have to have a safe place right now. And I don't say safe like in the Kumbaya nonsense. I'm talking about a trusted person or group of people. Not that you can complain to and whine to because that doesn't help, but a place where you can be heard and you can let your feelings out. Because feelings don't tell us the truth all the time, but they do have significant value. They are data.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And so if that's not him right now, that is you once a week getting with a group of girlfriends. Not to say my husband. It's to say who I need to say in front of some people that I feel really lonely right now. I'm still scared to death that my body is going to kill me from the inside out.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely.

[A]

I still feel really lonely even though my husband and I raised some great kids together.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I can do that.

[A]

And my hope is that if you look at your husband and say you've got one job and that's to keep me safe and love me, that he'll rise to that occasion if, if it's said in that direct of a way. I feel like I say this every show, but you're not crazy and your pain is real and your feelings are righteous and, and, and, and good.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Thank you for saying that.

[A]

I want you to write a letter to 22 year old you and I want you to tell her I forgive you.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Because that girl is just doing what she knew. And you're kind of pissed at her, aren't you? Yeah.

[B]

I really don't like her at all.

[A]

I know. Hey, don't judge that girl. Let her go. She was just trying to make do with what she had with what she knew. And then we have to deal with the gnarly present reality that you're in right now. Okay.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

It's been a. One of. It's been a high honor that I get to talk to you today and you call me anytime. Okay. And if your husband wants to call and say okay, I get it. I don't know what to do next. Tell him I'd love for him to pull up a seat and we'll figure it out.

[B]

I love that. Okay. I appreciate it. Yep.

[A]

And if y' all want to call me together? Y' all can do that also. Okay.

[B]

All right. I appreciate it.

[A]

All right. Blessings to you. I appreciate the call so, so, so much. When we come back, a woman asks how to rebuild trust after her husband used her sister's photos for sexual gratification. I've been telling you about Cozy Earth's bamboo sheets and pajamas forever, right? They are the best. They give you that kind of comfort that makes coming home from a chaotic workplace or a long day out in the wild a reason to exhale and say, I'm home. And now that the weather is cooler, I want to tell you about Cozy Earth soft wash cotton sheets. I love sleeping on cotton sheets in the fall and in the winter, they're so warm and so cozy. They're breathable and they make you feel at home, like you've had them for years, but in the best possible way and right out of the package. And as always, their new soft wash cotton sheets come with a hundred night sleep trial. Try them out. If you don't love them, you can return them hassle free. You're not going to want to return them because they're amazing. And right now, November 27th through December 2nd is Cozy Earth's Black Friday sale. Go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code Deloney on top of their site wide sale and you're going to get up to 40% off in total savings. Don't wait. Start your holiday shopping right now. That's Cozy. C o z y cozyearth.com DeLoney with code DeLoney home isn't just where you live. It's how you feel. All right. If you've seen me on stages across the country, speaking at live events or even the other night when I was at the comedy club, you have seen me wearing poncho shirts. I love them. And it's cold outside now, so I can wear my favorite poncho shirts that the denims and flannels. The ones I wear almost every day are the Laramie or the Buffalo. Actually, I wear a whole bunch of them all the time. Poncho's performance denim has that soft broken in feel with a little bit of stretch, like you've worn it a million times, but it still looks awesome. And poncho flannels come in original and western styles and they're guaranteed to be the softest shirts you own. It's like a hug. They're so great. They're somehow both durable but also really comfortable. Poncho shirts come in slim or regular fit and they're built for real life. They hold up to whatever your day throws at you. So when you're shopping for the guys in your life this holiday season, go to poncho outdoors.com DeLoney. The guys in your life will love these shirts. You can sign up with your email and you're going to get 10 bucks off your first order. That's poncho outdoors.com DeLoney all right, we are back. Hey. Take two seconds and hit the subscribe button. If you're watching this on YouTube, it really makes a huge difference for the algorithms and it makes a big difference. Putting the show in front of other listeners doesn't cost anything. It just takes two seconds of your time. If you'll log in and hit the subscribe button, it makes a huge difference. Let's go out to Lynn Washington and talk to Rose. What's up, Rose?

[C]

Hi. Can you hear me?

[A]

I can. How are you?

[C]

I'm good. How are you?

[A]

I'm doing great. What's going on?

[C]

So my question is, how can I rebuild trust in my marriage and forgive my husband after he used pictures of my sisters for sexual gratification?

[A]

Oh, good grief. Tell me this story. This has given me the ooze so.

[C]

I can give you a little more context just to start. So I'm 22. My husband is 28. Sorry, I'm bouncing my six month old at the same time.

[A]

No, you, you. That's way more important than this. You take care of that six month old. You're good.

[C]

I have a passive sexual trauma from my last romantic relationship four years ago. My husband is aware of the extent of my trauma and has been patient with my sexual boundaries our whole relationship. We have been married for a year and a half and together for two and a half and have an amazing six month old baby girl. My husband has struggled with porn lustful desires since he was 11 and wants healing. How do I heal from this deep betrayal and love him through it? I know it wasn't my fault and that I am enough. But how do I support him through sexual freedom while not minimizing my pain? And how do I prepare to see my sisters in person after this came to light?

[A]

So tell me what came to light?

[C]

Yeah. So it's been like two and a half weeks since he told me and I have known that he has struggled with porn prior to us meeting and a few times during our marriage. But he's been great the last couple months. So everything that he's told me in the last couple weeks has happened prior to us Having our baby. And I saw a shift in him after that, just in leading our home and spiritual leading as well. But I just. I told him, like, two and a half weeks ago we were going to buy a new car, and I was like, you don't seem to be walking a life of contentment, and there feels like there's distance, and you're always speaking more. And I was like, I can tell that there's something, and I felt it for a while. And my body knows that there's something. So I just need you to tell me.

[A]

Hey, can I just stop you right there and say thank you? I was going to say congratulations, but that's not. That's the wrong word. Thank you for being a person who's experienced trauma. And out of that, healing is learning to trust the data that your body is giving you about your environment. That's awesome.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's what healing looks like. And I'm really proud of you for that.

[C]

Thank you. It's been a lot of counseling and a lot of healing over the years, and so I just. I knew. And so he was. At first, he was like, yeah, I struggled with porn. And he had told me back in December that he had been struggling. And so after December, we put precautions on his phone. He got into counseling, started meeting with leaders at our church. And so he had the accountability. But he's like, I didn't tell you everything. And so he was like, I masturbated. Two pictures of. Not just at first, it was just one sister, but over the last couple weeks, he's been really honest, and I think the guilt has been killing him. He said it was multiple. I have six sisters. And so there is a lot. And he took their pictures off of social media, and so it wasn't anything that he took himself, but there's just been a lot. And even since, like, before we had our kid, he did tell me this week that he used to play video games. He sold his computer yesterday. Because I'm done. I want to be honest about everything, but he would talk to girls on discord, just seeking attention. And so I think that is everything so far that has come to light. And I know he's doing the work. He's met with our church pastors. He's met with a counselor, but it's just, like, I just can't keep the images out of my head.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, there's. I mean, it's. It's usually not helpful to classify things as worse or, you know, like, not good and worse and worst. Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But there's a personalization, right? Because you know, there's something about like masturbating to nameless people on, on some porn site. Right.

[C]

And yeah, absolutely.

[A]

That could feel like a betrayal and frustration, all that. But then there's coming up, Right. I mean, you're in the holiday season and we're, we're recording the show, but it's going to be out in the middle of the holidays when you and him are going to be in the same room as them. Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So there's a personalization to this. That feels gross.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. It's hard. It's messy.

[A]

Yeah. So I'll, I'll reverse engineer this question and answer your last question first. I think what's important is to not blame your sisters for this.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I also struggle with. Should I tell them?

[A]

No, I wouldn't.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. There's, I mean, there's radical transparency and radical honesty. I mean, it, it can get to, it's, it can be unhelpful. Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And so I, I, I want to make sure first you don't blame them.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. They didn't do anything wrong. It, when you first said the question, I thought you were, they were sending him photos or something behind your back. This is different. He just pulls stuff off of social media accounts. The second thing is you beginning to. In a weird way, it sounds like you are invested in this marriage. You're watching this guy try to work hard and change and do some pretty deep healing. I'm going to tell you all the way back to 11 years old, playing defense is step one. But getting to this idea you talked about, he is constantly wanting more different. Something other than that's a clear sign that he doesn't feel comfortable in his own skin.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And so that is, he needs to go sit with a therapist and do that hard work similar to the hard work you have done. Because this isn't going to be solved with defense. Because a good offense eventually finds a way through a good defense.

[C]

Yes, absolutely.

[A]

And so at step one. Cool. You got a, he got rid of his computer to get rid of his video games and whatever. Well, then you're going to have a guy who's completely uncomfortable in his own skin sitting in your living room staring at you. Right. And that's staring at you and this beautiful six month old you're holding. Right.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

The next step is you get to decide what the path back to trust looks like.

[C]

What does that mean?

[A]

So here's what it looks like. Maybe this year you Sit down. And I. Again, I'm always saying this, but I think it's incredibly important here. These are I statements, not you statements. Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I am wrestling with a path back to trust. And because you were sexually gratifying yourself to real people in my life, my sisters. I'm uncomfortable this year with y' all all being in the same room with me just finding this out two weeks ago.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So this year, I'm gonna do Thanksgiving with just me and the baby and my family.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And I'm just making this up. I don't. I don't know if that. If that would bother you, if it not bother you, whatever. And when your family says, why isn't he coming? Say, he's working through some things, and we're working through some things, and that's about all I'm going to say about it. I just want y' all to be happy that I'm here, I'm safe, and I'm proud of the work he's doing.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm not going to go into details. I'm not going to sob story. I'm not going to shove him under the bus. I'm just going to completely own my strength and my boundaries in this. In this moment. That's one. That's one idea. Another idea is you can come, but I want you to stay with me and whatever. My guess is that him sexually gratifying himself to pictures of your sisters was less about them.

[C]

Yes. Yeah, no, he's told me it's more about, like, the fantasy that he has seen a lot. Just I'm struggling from watching porn from such a young age. It's the fantasy side, not necessarily them as a person.

[A]

And so it may be y' all going to counseling together to help untangle the depersonalization of this, because it's very, very personal for you. It may not be personal for him.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That doesn't give an excuse, but that might give you some feeling more safe letting him around people. They just happen to be a beautiful person on an Instagram account that he could follow without you raising your suspicion. Right.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Which, again, doesn't give any. Any pass. And it's gross. And it's just, ugh, those are my sisters, for God's sakes. But also, you'd be crazy if you didn't have a side eye the whole time they're in the same room together. Right?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. And we're super close, too, so I have talked to him about possibly not coming, but I also don't. I'm really scared that when I see them, I'm probably just gonna break down crying because we are so close, and they're gonna be like, what the heck? Yeah. And so I fear that it might come to light, but I also not giving him that. He doesn't deserve for it to come to light if it hurts me that bad. But also, I want to, like, prioritize our marriage.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

And I know that something won't be helpful to one of the sisters that's also struggling with, like, her own mental health stuff right now.

[A]

Tell me about. Well, hold on. You are taking a lot of responsibility about how everyone else is going to feel.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And if you try to rebuild a path to trust, making sure everybody else is okay, you're not going to come with a clean path. You're going to put a bunch of actions down, and people are going to follow those actions, and it's never go. You're never going to feel like you're in a place where you can trust again because you outsourced the outcomes of some of those actions. And so it would be helpful if I say with no regard. That sounds harsh, but it's a good exercise. Just sit down with a yellow pad and a pen and say, in a perfect world, here's what you would need to do for me to trust you again. And write that down. And then some of those things might be nutso, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like you have to walk around with the blindfold on for the rest of your life, like, whatever those things are. But this is going to be a weird thing. I. I hesitate to use this because it might be the wrong analogy, but hopefully you'll give me some grace. If somebody's struggling with an eating disorder, they can't just never eat again. Like, it's the. It's the hardest mental health challenge to overcome because you have to make peace with food, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And so in a similar way, you can't just avoid each other forever. There's going to be some place where I'm going to have to. I'm going to have to head into this anxiety Real quick. Before I let you go, tell me about why you think you'll break down in tears when you see your sisters.

[C]

I think it should be because I'm so close with them and we kind of share everything about our lives. And we've walked through a lot from childhood with our mom. She was pretty emotionally and mentally abusive and physically abusive towards the older kids. And so I think there's just been, like, a huge amount of transparency between all of us sisters. And so it's hard not to share things that are really hard on in life, because when we got married, I moved to a new city with him, and my sisters were like, I mean, my best friends. You grew up in a big family. You share room, you do everything together. And so we've just been so close for so long. It just feels like. And I heard you say, like, secrets kill relationships. And it feel like. It feels like that relationship might have some walls built up around.

[A]

This is. This is going to be. People are gonna get mad at me on the Internet for saying this. Your new primary relationship is your marriage.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And that is hard. So I would say less that there are secrets, but there are boundaries.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And what I don't want that ever to become is that you don't have a safe place to go anymore. Right. Let's say he got abusive. Or let's say this happened again. Or let's say he comes tomorrow and says, hey, well, there's one more secret I didn't tell you. And then two days later, there's one more secret I didn't tell you. There comes a moment when I'm gonna need to open the gate to my own boundaries for safety purposes. Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But there is a discomfort when I didn't have this with my siblings, but I did have this with some of my childhood buddies. Like, we told everybody. Each other everything. Everything.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And it was a. Probably a year into my marriage, my wife, my buddy, made a comment, and she was. Looked at me, she's like, you told him that? And I was like, I tell him everything. And she was like, that's ours. And I realized, oh, yeah, right. So, like, what was the best part of those friendships? Now, because I got married to somebody that's. That's ours now not to say that I'm not. Don't have a group of friends that I reach out to and say I'm not all right, or I'm struggling or whatever. But there is some gory details, if you will, that aren't for everybody.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And, dude, if you figure out how the balance of that, like, how to not to go too far one way or the other, you. You write that book and I'll buy it. I'll be the first person to buy it. Because it's tough to fig that out. Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And if you feel the need, I'm. I've got to say this. I got to. I feel like I've got to come clean now. I wouldn't or I wouldn't recommend it maybe not write it so fresh, maybe down the road, but be honest with your husband about it. I can't carry this all right now. Or you go see a counselor and say, I feel like my husband handed me a cinder block that I got to carry into Christmas dinner with my family. And I don't have the tools to set this down right now.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Because I want to. I want to love and honor this secret world that me and him have created. But also, I don't want to lie to my sisters. They're the. There might been a ride or die since I was a little kid.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I think the challenge here for you right now is this is very, very raw, very painful. It has just been uncovered. And again, I want to circle back. You trusted your guts and I'm glad that you did that.

[C]

You.

[A]

And to his credit, he put every, Every. Everything on the table. And his credit, he's doing the work. What I don't want you to do is run in with a fresh wound and bleed all over everybody because they're. Because they love you, your sisters and your family. They're not going to get the blood off their shirt. And so I would love for you and your husband to work together on what does healing look like, what is building trust look like. And when that wound is healed down the road and it's just a scar, then maybe we have that. This deeper conversation. Maybe then we have. You can feel like I'm not sharing so much a bloody secret, but I am being able to be open and transparent with my sisters. Again, Sorry you're going through this and thanks for your honesty. This is a heavy one. But I will say this. The fact that he's willing to do the work that you're willing to do, the work that y' all both believe in redemption and you both believe at we're clearing the deck and we're moving forward, it gives me high, high hopes. High hopes for your long term outcome. For the long term outcome and survival of your marriage. Not only survival, but it's going to be a good marriage. So thank you for sharing it with me. Thanks for sharing your hurt with me. We come back, A woman asks how to rebuild her marriage after her repeated emotional infidelity. This is amazing. Montana Knife Company has just joined the Dr. John DeLoney show team. Everyone who listens to this show knows that me and my son are big hunters and fishermen. We're big outdoorsmen. And everyone also hears me talk about how my wife is one of the most amazing cooks on the planet. And for Years. The only knife company that I've used is Montana Knife Company. I've bought countless Montana Knife Company knives with my own money. These knives are designed, tested, and built by real hunters and real cooks. My family and I use these knives everywhere, all the way back in the deepest parts of the woods and in our own kitchen. When you first pick up a Montana knife company, you can feel their perfection and their quality. They're razor sharp right out of the box. They're the easiest knives to sharpen over time, and they're the toughest knives out there. My grandkids and great grandkids are gonna fight over who gets to keep these knives long after I'm gone. Every Montana Knife Company knife comes with a multi generational guarantee. And if it ever needs sharpening, you just send it back and they'll sharpen it for free and send it back to you. Montana Knife Company knives make incredible holiday gifts. I always buy several of them for my closest friends and. And they are my go to gifts. They're amazing and they always sell out before December. They make limited runs of these amazing knives, and when they're gone, they're gone. Give the outdoorsman in your life a knife they'll actually use and pass down someday. And give the cook in your home the best kitchen knives available anywhere. Montana Knife Co. Knives are proudly made in the United States of America. And I'm telling you, you will not be disappointed. Go to montana knife company.com to see what's available. Right now, that's montana knifecompany.com. all right, let's go to Austin, Texas and talk to Emily. What's up, Emily?

[B]

Yes, hello.

[A]

How are we doing?

[B]

All right, I think. I guess so.

[C]

Nervous?

[A]

Yeah. What's up?

[C]

Well.

[A]

Cannonball. Just tuck your knees and jump. It's into the water's deep. Go for it.

[B]

Well, me and my husband, we've been together for 20 years and I have had multiple instances where I reached out to other men. Usually it was online and stuff like that, but recently it was a little bit closer to home. And I texted his brother.

[C]

Oh, so there's.

[B]

Yeah, it's like I said, We've been another 20 years. I was. I cheated. In 2013, Online sent two guys pictures and they got found out because one of the guys ended up telling my husband. He's like, I don't know why, but he just did anyways. And I cut contact with both of them for the majority. But then I did stay in contact with one of them for 10. The last 10 years. I had phone calls for the last 10 years with this guy, and it was only, like, occasionally, every couple years, we would make a phone call like, how you doing?

[C]

Whatever.

[B]

Because he's on the other side of the country and.

[A]

Hey, let me ask you this. Why don't you just. Why don't you just leave your husband?

[B]

Because I love him. Like, a lot. Like, I really, really do. He does everything.

[C]

Like, he's.

[B]

He's freaking perfect for me. Like, we're perfect for each other. We really are. Like, 20 years I've been here.

[A]

I know, but you're super not. That's the challenge.

[B]

I don't want to leave them. I want to be here. Like, I don't. I don't want anybody else. I really don't.

[A]

Then tell me this. Why don't you want to be you?

[B]

I mean, I do want to be me. I'm just weird. I like being weird, and I. I celebrate that, but. And embrace that. It's just. I don't.

[C]

I don't.

[B]

I don't know. I can't believe you said that. Like, I want to be with him.

[C]

Like.

[A]

I. I think that you want to. You. You. You love the safety and you love the security of it all.

[B]

I mean, of course, but I love him, too.

[A]

I know, but you reached out to his brother. You reached out to family, friends. You reached out to strangers to get your heart rate up for that excitement. To feel desire. To feel. Yeah, to feel deviant. Like. Like that. It's like, oh, we shouldn't be doing this. And so my stock answer would be, if you loved him, you would sit down and say, hey, we've established safety in this relationship. I want us to establish, like, practice, have fun with play and desire and get our heart rates up and have fun and be a little bit. Instead, you took. You left the house with that. You didn't honor him enough. You didn't love him enough to be honest with him about those things. Or maybe you have been, and he just said, I'm not into it. I'm out.

[B]

No, he was trying, and I wasn't.

[C]

I.

[B]

The more he was trying, it, like, pushed me away, and I don't know why.

[A]

It's not that it pushed you away. It's that you left. That's what I'm trying to say.

[B]

It didn't. He didn't push me away.

[C]

I.

[B]

It just. It. It did push me. Like, actually was like, you know, talk to me like, you know, let's go out. Let's go have fun. And I'm just like, I don't really want to go out, like. And I. I don't know.

[A]

And what I'm trying to get you, like, there's a. And it might be pain related. Okay. So I want to honor it, but I. But I. I don't. I'm not going to back down from this. This chief thing. You're avoiding reality here.

[B]

Yeah, for sure. That's what I was doing.

[A]

I know you're avoiding it with me, and that means you're avoiding it with yourself. Because if you love this guy and he's perfect. And you want him and you want to be with him, you don't call his brother.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

You don't hurt somebody that deeply to get your heart rate up 30 beats a minute.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so I guess that, like, I'm asking you, why haven't you left him?

[B]

We have four kids and we've been here so long, and we've just like, we created this.

[A]

Now we're getting to the truth. That to me, felt feels much more honest than because he's perfect and I love him. The layer beneath that is there's a sunk cost to this thing. I've got four kids. I've got responsibilities. He is safe, and I want something else. And so, Mike, let me ask you this question. What is it about? Maybe you don't want to escape yourself. Maybe you do love yourself and you, like, from the inside out, you are completely okay with you. What is it about this life you have co created with him that feels so suffocating that it just increasingly you sh. It shoots out in wild ways. Like sending nude photos to somebody and then not. And then deceptively not cutting it off for a decade. What is it about? Going back to that person feels like an IV drip of aliveness.

[B]

Well, see, with that person, the last 10 years wasn't even like that. I was actually. It was mostly to me. I was like just a friend. That's not what that guy ever wanted. And I understand that. But to me, it was just like somebody on the other side of the country I'm gonna keep in check in. And I didn't. We didn't even do that for the last 10 years.

[A]

I know that. I know that. I know that. But imagine your husband sitting across the table from you, watching the exchange.

[B]

Yeah, I know. And hearing about it and still not even completely knowing if that was all or like what we talked about.

[A]

And that's what I'm saying.

[B]

He's like, did you ever plan to run away with him? I'm like, No, I never plan to run away and start a life with him. Like, he's this old dude. Like, I do not want that. He's a loser. It was just somebody that, like you said, got my heart rate up.

[A]

And I know, I know, but you're. You're looking at. You're looking at love backwards. You're looking at love. Me first, you second. And when you get married to somebody and you build a life with somebody, you say your life first, me second. And I hope to pray to God that I'm first for you.

[C]

Right.

[B]

I need to do that.

[A]

And you do that 20 years ago or last week before. You. You get what I'm saying, right? And so when you look through at your partner, through you first, it's all about how I feel. And you're pushing me away, and this makes me uncomfortable, and I don't like that. And everything's about me, me, me. And you just stare at your belly button more and more and more. There it like there is none. Zero. When you sit down with your husband and say, he either catches you or you admit it. I've been sending nude pictures to strangers across the country, and I've cut them off. There is no circumstance where it's okay to circle back other than I'm intentionally trying to hurt you or I care so little about you that I'm just gonna get one little click on the morphine drip. And that's where I'm asking you that question. What is so uncomfortable about the world you've co created? Why do you need to get out of it so bad sometimes?

[B]

I'm not sure. I'm working on that. Just started with a therapist, and then we also have a couple's therapists, so I'm doing individual therapy, and we're going to couples therapy.

[A]

Okay. I'll just tell you on the front end. Therapy's awesome and great for digging into, like, what is happening inside of my guts, inside of my chest when I do these things. But before you walk into a therapist office, you have to make two commitments. One, you will tell a therapist, both your couples therapist and individual, 100% of the truth. And I think that's really tough for you because it hurts.

[B]

I can, though. I mean, I can and I have, and I've said everything. It doesn't feel like it to him. And I understand that because I lied for so long.

[A]

He's got two decades. Yeah, there you go. And the second thing is, is before we get to the why is this happening? And what is a ironclad this cannot and will not ever happen again.

[B]

I know for sure you can't and it won't.

[A]

Okay. But then you look at him and you hold both of his hands and say, I surrender. He gets to make the path back for trust. And you have to decide whether I'm going to walk that path or not. And what I think what has happened is you've done these things over the years. And then you tell him what's going to happen next. And he's beat down and he's exhausted, he's heartbroken. He says, okay. And what has to happen now is you take a knee and surrender and say you make the path back to trust. I'm that much. I'm in. And it might look like I have a brick phone with one number in it. It's mine. I'm being ridiculous. I say we don't have Internet at the house. You throw your laptop out in the street and we run over it with a car. But he gets to decide what the path back is.

[B]

Yeah, he's. He's in my phone. He's got everything right now.

[A]

So I. I know, but he's not gonna be able to go to Thanksgiving without side eyeing you and his brother. He's not. He's not gonna be able to breathe. And so maybe it's you saying I have blown up throwing a grenade in the middle of your family. I'm gonna opt out. I want you to go Thanksgiving with your family this time.

[B]

Well, we pretty much host the Thanksgiving. It's at our house. So it's like really no avoiding it.

[A]

There's no such thing as no avoiding it. Your marriage isn't too desperate of a place. And if you'll allow yourself, you're in a really desperate place.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Because either you're in a marriage you don't want to be in, you're in a life that you've co created that you no longer want to be in, or you're really, really frustrated with yourself and you don't know where to turn. Both of those avenues are a desperate place.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Push back and challenge me if you think I'm wrong.

[B]

Well, I. I don't think you're wrong about me and myself. It's like about wanting to be here. I definitely want to be here and I want to have a life with him. And I see us getting old together and I want that. I guess it's just myself.

[A]

Okay. What? Give me, give me the run up. Give me the two weeks before he.

[B]

Was at the house a lot, working out in the house and doing stuff in the garage. He was just around a lot.

[A]

And you were into him.

[B]

I guess.

[A]

Don't. But see, that's just an evasive thing. Yes, I was having feelings for my husband's brother.

[B]

Yeah. It's weird.

[A]

And it's not. I don't know why it's not weird. I mean, I guess technically it's weird.

[B]

It is. I mean, not my brother, but if it's my brother.

[C]

Be a little.

[B]

Definitely. Definitely crossing some lines. But. Yeah. I don't know. I just.

[A]

It just feels like you're. This is a game to you, and it's just. It's not a game.

[B]

I know it's not a game because it's my husband.

[C]

Like.

[B]

I know, but it's you so bad.

[A]

It's you, it's you, it's your husband, it's your kids. It's an extended family. And it's okay to see somebody who comes over and be like, man, that guy's really attractive. Or, I like being around that guy, but I'm married to him. And so I need you to be done working at the house or I'm going to leave or I'm going to go talk to somebody. I'm going to put my phone away. Those are decisions adults make. If I'm walking down the sidewalk with my wife and some beautiful woman walks by, I can acknowledge, man, she's beautiful. And I keep walking. I can turn and gawk at her. I can secretly, behind my wife's back, get her number. But I committed to my wife.

[B]

Yes, I know. And I just. I need to have self control. I know that I just have to do it and be committed and be here. I was just. I was on birth control for two years, and it really messed up my hormones. And then I came off birth control, and as soon as I came off birth control, everything came flooding back, including those kind of hormones. It was just like.

[A]

Yeah, but hormones are a context. They're not an excuse.

[B]

I know they're not, because I did it before birth control as well. And it's just like I said, I was muted for two years. I was muted for two years.

[A]

I get that. I get that. Then tell your husband. Buckle up, buddy. Right?

[B]

He knows. He knows everything. Obviously, that this is what happened. He. He already knew. As soon as I was going off birth control, he was like, are you gonna cheat on me again? And I was like, no, I'm not trying to laugh, but I'm trying not to cry.

[A]

I got that. I totally got that. I get that. That's the way I handle it, too. There's a. There's a. A what I would call a reckoning of reality that has to happen, which is this. This. This sense. And I want you to do it with a therapist, not by yourself, because it's really heavy. But it's this sense that I betrayed myself and I betrayed this man who's given 20 years of his life to me. And if he's got problem, if he's abusive, he's whatever. You got to be honest about that stuff, too. But he sounds like he's a great guy.

[C]

He.

[B]

He is great.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And I find myself escalating this thing. Now I'm going after his brother. There's a reckoning that has to happen. I got to stand in the ashes of reality. Because now he can't call his brother to come over and help us some stuff. And yeah, he's got a reckoning with his brother, but he's got a reckoning with you. And it's you fully not only taking verbal ownership. I did this thing. I did this thing, and I don't want to ever happen again. You're gonna have to sit and feel it. I betrayed myself. I betrayed him. Or I didn't betray myself. I just don't want to do this anymore. I wouldn't recommend that. But that can be the path you take. But there's something about just owning this and then making some really powerful declarative statements. I will never do this again. And I take a knee, honey, you get to decide the path back to trust because I've blown it up too many times. I've been an untrustworthy spouse. Will you still have me? And if so, what does the path look like? Because I'm all in or I'm not. I'm not all in. And you get to make that choice. You still have agency here, but it's not a game. And it's not whoops and it's not oh, the hormones made. It's not none of that. You making some choices that now you got to look the guy that you love in the eye and say, I hurt you again. I gotta own it. I gotta ask you, will you still have me? Keep doing the work, Emily. Keep doing the work. Got a long, long way to go. We come back, everybody's heading into the holidays. If you're listening to this episode right now, you're in the middle of the holidays. And if you're like millions and millions of folks, you have found yourself in holiday chaos. I got an idea for you when we come right back. All right, I'm excited to tell you about a new sponsor for this show, Cove. Cove is an affordable DIY home security company that has the mission of helping you protect your family for less than a dollar a day. I am on the road all the time. I've got kids coming and going and I need my home to feel safe. And I know you want your home to feel safe too. Cove cameras stream live video and audio directly to your control panel and your phone so you can see and hear what's happening in your home in real time. This clarity and control over your home can help you get peace of mind. It's super helpful if you have kids at home so they can see who's at the door without opening it. You can see who's coming to your house when you're in. Not even there. It's amazing. With COVID you customize your security system through a quick online quiz so you only get what your home actually needs. Setup is simple and it usually takes like 30 minutes. This is a great way for you to protect the people you love without breaking the bank. And every system comes with a 60 day risk free trial. Right now is the perfect time to get Cove. Cove is offering an exclusive Black Friday and Cyber Monday sale for my audience. Visit cov smart.com and use code Deloney at checkout. Out for up to 80. Yes, you heard that right. 80% off your first order. That's cov smart.com use code DeLoney. All right, so you know my show is sponsored by Better help, right? I could think of no better moment than right now to consider calling somebody. You are in the middle of holidays, right? The holiday financial stress, the holiday relationship stress, the holiday in law stress, the holiday political stress. All of the madness, travel. Even if everything in your life is aligned, you still have to drive across the country or make plans or get out of school early. All the chaos. Last year we got thousands of emails from folks who were in the holidays and who either had gone to see their parents or their in laws and had cut them off. These are adult kids or adult, I mean senior parents who are cutting off their adult kids. Never before has there been more families cutting each other off for a million different reasons. You don't vote, right? I don't like your spouse. Your kids aren't acting right. I get to do this to, I get to yell at your kid because it's my grandkid and I, I want you to eat macaroni and cheese. I don't believe in the Food that whatever families are cutting each other off. And I don't care if you're justified or you're just throwing a temper tantrum or what. Family holiday stress is really difficult. It's hard. It's hard to navigate and it's hard to step outside of an in law's garage and call your counselor and then get told, all right, cool, we can see you in six months, we can see you in three months. Or to call your friend who's also at their in laws house, being like, I can't tell somebody this is going on. And they're like, dude, take us. Take a number. You should know what's going on at my house. This is one of those prime opportunities to call my friends. At better help, you get to talk to an actual licensed therapist within 24, 48 hours. Somebody who's skilled at helping you navigate whatever holiday stress is going on. And I know this sounds like a long infomercial. I guess it kind of is. But I want to give you a tool for someone to call when the holiday stress gets too heavy. When your spouse looks at you and says, I don't care what you think. We're going to see my parents and you think, but they were abusive to you. Or they say this to our kids and they say, I don't care, we're going to. Or when someone says, I'm not going to see your pants. Having somebody before you cut everybody off, before you draw a bunch of thick lines and make a bunch of false boundaries that are going to be tested and pushed and run over. Call my friends@betterhelp. Betterhelp.com Deloney gives you a discount, gives you 10 off, I think, of your first month. Call them. Call somebody who knows what they're doing, a professional that can walk you through this situation and who can be with you when you get home. Don't just rush to throw grenades this holiday season. Pause, exhale, and call somebody who can help. I love you guys. We'll see you soon.