My Husband Never Has Time for Me or the Kids

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: My Husband Never Has Time for Me or the Kids
Date: December 10, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony, Ramsey Network

---

Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show is a classic example of Dr. John's caller-driven, real-talk format around relationships and mental health. The episode dives deeply into real and raw issues faced by listeners, centered this time around:

• The loneliness and burden of motherhood and marriage imbalance ("My Husband Never Has Time for Me or the Kids")
• Navigating toxic in-law relationships, particularly where religion is a wedge
• Parental decisions surrounding childhood myths like Santa Claus
• Hard marriage and family planning conversations

Throughout, Dr. Delony maintains his signature mix of empathy, candor, and practical advice, helping callers face “the next right move” in overwhelming family dynamics.

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Isolated Mother: Loneliness and Marital Drift

00:05–18:35

Background

• Caller: Elizabeth, a new mom in Austin, TX, with two children under two and a husband working long hours as a new lawyer in big law.
• She lacks family support, feels “stuck doing most of it by myself,” and is overwhelmed and lonely.

Central Themes

• Motherhood Isolates, but Isn’t Meant to: Dr. John validates Elizabeth’s sense of isolation and emphasizes it’s never been “normal” to parent alone.

  "Motherhood was never designed to be by yourself... The fantasy of the stay at home mom... it's a mad house fantasy. It's not real." (02:20 – Dr. John)

• Pre-Set Expectations vs. Reality: Both spouses knew the “partner track” would be demanding, but the reality is more grueling and lonely than anticipated.

• Jealousy and Resentment: Elizabeth describes feeling “jealous” that her husband attends work events while she’s home, overwhelmed.

  "It almost feels like I'm jealous… I am sitting here with these two kids by myself, just trying to stay afloat. He's living this whole other life." (07:09 – Elizabeth)

• The Importance of Naming the Issue: Dr. John urges honest, direct conversations to surface these underlying resentments, rather than keeping secrets or suffering quietly:

  "The thing I'll challenge you on is already starting out of the gate, keeping secrets. And already saying, okay, we had this plan, and this plan is killing me." (08:36 – Dr. John)

• Support and Help Are Not Deficiencies: Dr. John addresses feelings of inadequacy for needing help or friends, normalizing the need for a support system.

• The "Fork in the Road": The dynamic has become unsustainable. The marriage is in "significant peril" because changes are acknowledged in word but not deed, leaving Elizabeth unsupported.

  "You phrased it beautifully... I'm telling you I need you. They're telling you they want you. And you're choosing them." (10:10 – Dr. John)

Guidance and Next Steps

• Hard Conversations, Not More Talking:
  • Dr. John urges Elizabeth to define non-negotiable needs and present them directly:

    "Here is a roadmap of what love looks like, what our marriage looks like in the next six months..." (14:38)

  • Emphasizes “behavior is a language”—actions must align with words.
• Consider Professional Help:
  • Dr. John doubts much progress without marriage counseling and warns the marriage is "at a precipice."

Memorable Moment

• Dr. John's tough love:

  "I'm basically putting you on notice—here's what being married in this particular season looks like." (15:26)

---

2. In-Laws, Religion, and Family Loyalty

21:14–33:59

Background

• Caller: Jennifer, grappling with evangelical in-laws who weaponize their relationship over religious differences.
• Her husband’s family plays favorites, leading to obvious schisms and pain for nieces/nephews.

Central Themes

• Conditional Acceptance: Dr. John validates that Jennifer is, essentially, not accepted unless she and her husband comply with in-law religious expectations.

  "His parents have made it very clear they don't want y' all around. Unless you worship as they want…their way or no way." (23:30 – Dr. John)

• Patterns of Dysfunction: Jennifer recognizes patterns from her own dysfunctional family playing out in her new one.

  "Your body recognized emotional manipulation…addiction, it just came in a different bottle." (26:12 – Dr. John)

• Cycle of People-Pleasing: Both Jennifer and her husband are stuck in people-pleasing, hoping to fix the family at their own expense.

Guidance and Next Steps

• The Burden Belongs to Her Husband:
  • Dr. John: “He has to make the call… Otherwise, if you sever the relationship with his family, there’s going to be a wedge between the two of you.” (27:03)
• Grieving What Will Never Be:
  • Recognizing the grief in never getting the unity or acceptance she craved.

Notable Quotes

• "It's the same question you've been haunted by since you were a little girl: 'Why would you choose to drink over me?'…And you married into, 'Why would you choose to be manipulative and discontinue relationship unless I sing and dance exactly as you want?'" (28:54 – Dr. John)
• "Aging parents… I've never met somebody in the last stages of their life ever— not one time—say, 'I'm really glad I cut my kid off over issue X, Y, or Z.'" (33:21 – Dr. John)

---

3. Childhood Magic vs. The Truth About Santa

35:22–47:34

Background

• Caller: Bethany, debating when to tell her 11-year-old about Santa Claus, pressured by her 21-year-old who claims to be “traumatized” by finding out late.

Central Themes

• Projecting Childhood Pain: Bethany wants her younger son to have the childhood magic she never had.

• Managing Transitions: Dr. John advocates for an intentional, special, developmentally-appropriate conversation when moving a child from “magic” to reality.

  "Be very careful about using your child's experience for your inner hurt. Because then your kid can become a Xanax for your pain, and that's not their job." (39:02 – Dr. John)

• Respectful Truth-Telling: Create a context that honors the child's development, preserves their dignity, and keeps trust intact.

• Avoiding Shame: Dr. John and the show’s producer agree that letting kids “lead the conversation” is often best—“What do you think?”—and that every child is different in readiness.

Guidance and Next Steps

• Invite, Don’t Expose:
  • Make the truth-telling a memorable “rite of passage” rather than a betrayal.

    "I said, hey, I need you to meet me in the bed of my pickup truck…I'm inviting you to an adult world just for a minute." (41:05 – Dr. John)

• Monitor for Readiness:
  • Use “what do you think?” questions, and let the child guide the timing.

---

4. Marriage, Agreements, and Vasectomies

49:08–51:59

Background

• Anonymous Question: How do I get my husband to follow through with a vasectomy now that we’ve finished having kids?

Central Themes & Guidance

• Broken Commitments: Dr. John identifies the two main problems: the risk of unwanted pregnancy and the deeper issue of broken trust.
• Curiosity Before Ultimatums: Have a candid conversation about the "why" behind the change in agreement.

  "You're going back on what you said. You didn't keep your word. And...let's get to the deeper issue here and have the harder conversation. The thing behind the thing, behind the thing." (51:29)

• Practical Advice: Sometimes “shop's closed until you keep up,” but that's a blunt last resort; better to get at the root concern, be it misinformation or fear.

---

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• "Motherhood was never designed to be by yourself... The fantasy of the stay at home mom... it's a mad house fantasy. It's not real."
  (02:20 - Dr. John Delony)

• "You phrased it beautifully... I'm telling you I need you. They're telling you they want you. And you're choosing them."
  (10:10 - Dr. John Delony)

• "Behavior is a language... I'm putting you on notice. Here's what being married in this particular season looks like."
  (15:26 - Dr. John Delony)

• "He has to make the call. That call is going to be informed by a wife who loves him... but he's gonna have to make that call."
  (27:03 - Dr. John Delony)

• "Be very careful about using your child's experience for your inner hurt. Because then your kid can become a Xanax for your pain, and that's not their job."
  (39:02 - Dr. John Delony)

• "You're going back on what you said. You didn't keep your word... let's get to the deeper issue here."
  (51:29 - Dr. John Delony)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:05–18:35: Elizabeth’s call: Marital strain, motherhood loneliness, the “partner track” husband
• 21:14–33:59: Jennifer’s call: In-laws, religion, family division, people-pleasing
• 35:22–47:34: Bethany’s call: Santa Claus, transitions, preserving childhood magic
• 49:08–51:59: Anonymous Q&A: Marital agreements and vasectomy follow-through

---

Tone and Language

• Dr. John balances empathy (“You’re not crazy”) with directness (“Behavior is a language… are you in or out?”)
• He uses humor, self-deprecation (joking about his own parenting mistakes), and metaphor (“fork in the road,” “putting you on notice”).
• Throughout, his language is validating, honest, and action-oriented, encouraging clarity and courageous conversations.

---

Takeaways

• Modern family pressures, isolation, and work-life imbalance put enormous stress on marriages.
• Honest, specific, and actionable conversations—sometimes with professional help—are vital in breaking destructive cycles.
• Childhood transitions and toxic family relationships require both grief and proactive boundary-setting.
• Dr. John’s throughline: You’re not crazy for struggling; you’re not alone; and there’s always “the next right move.”

---

For more direct, compassionate advice on marriage, parenting, and personal growth, listen to full episodes of The Dr. John Delony Show.

Transcript

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

My husband has a pretty busy job and so just isn't really able to help. We don't have a whole lot of family support, so I'm kind of stuck doing most of it by myself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. The more you're talking, the more I'm getting the sense that your marriage is in pretty significant peril. So I guess the scary, terrifying question that I often ask folks is.

What up?

[Show Announcer/Producer]

What's going on? What's going on?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. It's you and me and a couple of million people talking about what's going on in your life, your marriage, your mental and emotional health, your kids, whatever you got going on. That's what this show is. Sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move. Real people going through real challenges. If you want to be on the show, go to John Deloney slash ask. I'm sorry, John Deloney.com ask. And we'd love to have you on.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in Marriage Getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at 749 bucks a couple. Get [e-mail] getaway.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's go to Austin, Texas, and talk.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

To the great and wonderful Elizabeth.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, Elizabeth. What's up?

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good. And you?

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

I'm doing well, thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

So I was calling because I guess my question is how to handle my husband's limited help as a mom to two under two.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, geez. Two under two.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

I just recently had another baby and the baby is about four weeks old now. My first is about 17 months old. Very busy. My husband has a pretty busy job and so just isn't really able to help. We don't have a whole lot of family support, so I'm kind of stuck doing most of it by myself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think the key there is.

That last word you used.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is motherhood was never designed to be by yourself.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Even. Even the. The fantasy of the stay at home mom. This idea that one person can navigate all things at all times alone and by themselves, and lack of sleep and feeding and food and diapers and stuff. And lions and tigers and bears. Oh, my. It's a. It's a. It's a mad house fantasy. It's not real. I think it's driven a century's worth of western world women.

Into wondering what's wrong with him into guilt, into shame, into all these different things that were. Has never been true in all of human history, which is you go home, close the door, it's you and this one kid, these two kids, these three kids, and you got to do it all by yourself.

So tell me about your husband's job. That he can't come home and help even when he's tired.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

So he.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

He's pretty busy. He is actually a lawyer, a pretty new lawyer, works in big law.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is he on the partner track?

[Caller (Bethany)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so you've lost him for two years, right?

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Yeah, that's. That's kind of what it feels like. And that expectation was set going into this. I knew that going into this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Cool.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

I guess I didn't realize how hard it was going to be as a new mom without any family support. We are not actually originally from the Austin area, so, yeah, it's kind of learning and trying to build a community here, which is hard to do as a new mom with two little ones and a husband that works, you know, a lot. He works a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Totally.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

And so, you know, I knew going into it, it wasn't like that expectation wasn't set.

[Caller (Bethany)]

He.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

He very much forewarned me of that. Um, but I didn't realize the amount of time that it would require of him to do that. And so I realized that our future. There is a light at the end of that tunnel. Um, but it's just been really hard. Like, there are nights where he just doesn't come home because he's working so late. And so, I mean, there will be 24, 48 hours where I just don't even see him. And I'm doing it literally all by myself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So the beauty about your situation is.

A. Y' all talked about it. Now, there's. There's the experienced reality, but it's. It's not like a shock. I guess the shock is, oh, this is what this really feels like. Or when you. We may have had different pictures, like when he said, I'm going to be really busy. And you're like, okay, I know. Really busy. And then you're like, oh, you mean you're going to be working for 48 straight hours? Right. Like, so there is some adjustments into the reality. But that also means y' all have. If he's working big law in the 512 area code, that means you'll have some resources to get some support.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you're. You're gonna have to be able to deal with that innate. I don't want to throw this on you. What I hear often is if I have to hire help that somehow means that I wasn't enough.

Or if I have to figure out how to get three or four or five or six women to come over on Tuesday mornings and Thursday mornings and they bring their kids and we just talk or we just stare off into space, whatever. If I have to work that hard to have friends, I've never had to do that in college. I never had to do that in grad school. I never had to do that in undergrad, like in high school. But now I have to work that hard, then it must be something wrong with me.

And it's you taking those two lies head on and saying, what do I actually want and what do I actually need in terms of support and care here.

So tell me, what's the story beneath the story that's going on inside your heart and mind when it comes to you acknowledging I'm real, real lonely here?

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Yeah.

I think the part that's the hardest part for me is that, like, the extra stuff that comes with it, you know, I realize that you have to kind of work and play with the partners and, you know, there's things that come with that, like these events and such. And I think I find myself at home essentially drowning with two kids. And I see my husband, like, not doing that. I know his job is very taxing, but he's also going to these nice centers that are going on in these events and you know, almost feels.

Like I'm jealous in a sense that I am, you know, sitting here with these two kids by myself, just trying to stay afloat. And it's like he's not there. He's not a part of it, he's not seeing it. And he's living this whole other life that doesn't even feel like he's really married and is like a father most of the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So I want you to have that conversation.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because that's the thing beneath the thing.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

By the way, you're right to feel jealous. That doesn't make you a bad person.

If you feel jealous that five nights a week he's at a big five star restaurant whining and dining clients or the, the nights he's not whining and dying clients, he's having a celebration dinner because they won the case or they got the, got the new, like, whatever.

You're right to feel jealous when you're covered up and throw up and you just miss the guy that you married.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he comes Home for conjugal visits and then goes back out into the world and where he's dressing up in suits and going to fancy place like you're. You'd kind of be nuts if you weren't jealous of that.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because also in the past in law school, you were the. You were the date to the barrister's ball. Right.

Like you.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

Those were all with you.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you're right to feel jealous. The thing I'll challenge you on is already starting out of the gate, keeping secrets.

And already saying, okay, we had this plan, and this plan is killing me.

And I want to be honest about, is this the right plan moving forward? And so it's being able to have that open dialogue. And you might find if you broach that conversation, that he exhales and says, I really thought I wanted to do big law, but I miss my wife. I'm not being a dad.

Or he might find that the firm could care less if he goes to all five dinners five nights a week. He thinks he has to to make partner, but he could sit down, have coffee with a few of the partners and be like, no, dude, nobody cares about those stupid things.

Yeah, go home and be with your family.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

I think that's the biggest thing, is that he feels like he has to go to those. Like, he has a hard time saying no. But I. I think the thing that hurts my feelings the most is that he says no to coming home to help us, like, at all, but he can't say no to them. And I think that's where the issue is lying, especially with the newborn, like, I very fresh postpartum, and, you know, like, I could for sure some help, especially with our toddler. And it's like I'm being told, no, I can't do that. And, you know, it's even simple things that's making it really difficult.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You'll need to have that hard conversation.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sooner rather than later.

Because at the end of the day, you're. You phrased it beautifully. I'm telling you I need you. They're telling you they want you.

And you're choosing them.

And he might rightfully say, hey, we knew this was coming. We agreed upon this, and you're saying, you're right. We did. And I feel like things might have changed.

Have you said the words, I want you home other than I need you home?

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Yeah. Yeah, I have. We've actually had quite a few conversations about it. And it, like, there's small changes, but then it just like, kind of falls back into the Same song and dance. And, you know, I'm. I'm very understanding when it comes to him actually working and understanding of these events and things that he has to go to.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

But it's.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

It's like there's almost a fork in the road of whenever it's time to kind of come home or it's staying out.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

And it.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

It seems like. Like our life at home is so chaotic that it's just easy. Easier for him to not come home. And so he just chooses to not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's where I would look him in the eye and say, you're. You're not fulfilling your chief responsibility.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

And I mean, he's admitted that, that he's been doing that, but he also isn't changing it. Like, he's acknowledging that it's not right and that it's wrong, but it's also still happening constantly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does he have some men in his life that he trusts and he listens to?

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

No, unfortunately.

[Caller (Bethany)]

He.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

He kind of really have the best relationship with his family, and.

A lot of the people that he works with, I probably wouldn't say are the best of influences.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I guess the scary, terrifying question that I often ask folks is, what are you going to do now?

[Caller (Jennifer)]

I don't know, because it's a hard.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You use again. Your choice of language is really instructive. It's really excellent. You're at a fork in the road. You said, hey, I need you here. And I'm actually supporting how hard you're working in the crazy hours of first couple years in big law. I'm really supporting of that. But then there's the, hey, we're all going for drinks. And that's when you could come home and be a present husband and dad. And you choose no. And he said, you're right, I do choose the other.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. It's not like you've brought something to his attention. He doesn't know.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Right.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Yeah.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

We've had a lot of. A lot of conversations about it. It definitely hasn't. Has it not been talked about?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Would he go see somebody with you?

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

I don't know. We've. We've talked about it before, but I. I mean, I. I see a therapist that I've seen for a while and I've asked him to, and he's seems to be kind of indifferent about it, and it seems like it just kind of gets brushed off.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. The more you're talking, the more I'm getting the sense that your marriage is in pretty significant peril.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Am I right? Or am I.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

It feels like it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Yeah, it feels like.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Have you sat down and asked him if he still wants to be married to you?

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

I did. We did. We had a very. A very long talk about it. And he. He says yes, but it feels like his, like his words are great, but it's just like the actions that aren't following through with those words. That is what's making it really hard.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, the next layer, behavior, is a language. Right. And by the way, you're married to a wordsmith.

[Caller (Bethany)]

I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And so.

So the next layer is what are the actions that are gonna. They're gonna back up your statements. And so I think the next conversation is. And it. And it can be leading somewhere.

But the next conversation is, hey, you said you wanted to be married to me. I've spent some time thinking, here is a road map of what love looks like, what our marriage looks like in the next six months with two kids, two and under, with a postpartum wife.

With an exhausting, chaotic household. Here's what this looked like. Are you in or are you out?

And it's almost like.

I've been on the other side of some attorneys when I start answering a question, and they'll say like, no, no, stop. It's not what I asked you. Did you send this text and you're like, yes, I did. Right. And so it's. It's getting to that level of, I'm writing these things down.

Will you be a part of our married household? Like this.

But the phrase behavior is a language. You said all the right words. That's cool. I'm putting. I'm basically, I'm putting you on notice to use their language. I'm putting you on notice. Here's what being married in this particular season looks like. And it's commendable that you're looking, that you are understanding is not like, you need to be home at 5 o'. Clock. That's unreasonable for that job. Right. You know that.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you don't have to go out for drinks every night.

And it's getting. It's finding those. And sometimes you do. I hate to say that. Sometimes you do. Like, sometimes there's a client, you got to go. Like, dude, this just came up. I gotta go. That's part of it, right? I was on call for. For 20 years.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so my wife lived with that. It wasn't fun, it wasn't great. But it's. Yeah, you've. I mean, I hate to say this. I don't know Success in your marriage outside of a marriage counselor for both of you together. Because there's. There's got to be some harder conversations. And I don't know. I. Without talking to him, I don't know if he just doesn't like it, if he feels like home is a failure factory and he can be more successful there. If he's uncomfortable, he just doesn't have to, like, I don't know what's in his heart and mind. And you don't either. But you've had all the preliminary conversations that I would recommend somebody have, which tells me, yeah, your marriage is at a precipice and you're feeling that. And I think the important thing is, is to turn the lights on and stop the. Stop the music. And here is what I'm asking of you. I need you home four nights a week. I need you home five nights a week. When you come home, I need help with the following things. I need you just to hold me on the couch for 45 minutes. That's it. Like, what do those things look like? And having the deeper questions. Is big law right for our family?

And anybody who gets married has to know what's right for me. Goes to second place when you say, till death do us part. And then you start bringing kids into it. You become second place, third place. Like, but this is what I want. Okay, but this is what we. This is the set of responsibilities you took on when you married me. This is a set of responsibilities you took on when we created humans together. And it might look different than we had it mapped out.

But I think you're at a place where a heart. Hard conversations or deep conversations aren't going to be as much. There's not gonna be a lot of utility there. It is. Here's a set of actions. Are you in or you're out? Let's have that conversation. I wish you the absolute best. This is a tough, tough situation. And it's a tough situation for him, too. I know that also. Thanks for the call, sister. I don't feel like I was very much help to you other than to clear it up and say you're not crazy. I don't think he's crazy, but y' all have some really hard reckoning. No more hard conversations, but some hard reckoning about our actions going to be a part of what happens next. Makes your call, sister. We come back, a woman asks how to cope with her in laws weaponizing religion just to create conflict.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

I'm excited to tell you about COVID Cove is a smart Affordable home security company with one mission. Help you protect your family for less than a dollar a day. And the holidays are here and they can make your home a target for thieves and porch pirates. And COVE cameras will stream live video and audio directly to your control panel and your phone so you can see and hear what's happening in real time. That clarity and control over your home, especially while you're traveling, can give you peace of mind. Cove lets you customize your security system with a quick online quiz so you only get what your home actually needs and not a bunch of extra stuff that cost you a million more dollars. Set up with Kove is simple. You do it yourself and it takes like 30 minutes. And every system comes with a 60 day risk free trial. December is the perfect time to protect your home with COVID And Cove is offering an exclusive holiday sale just for my audience. Visit cove smart.com and use code DeLoney at checkout for up to 80% off your first order. You heard that right? Up to 80%. This is the easiest decision you're going to make this year. Go to Cove C O v e cov smart.com and use code Deloney.

This time of year we are giving our time, we're giving our money. And sometimes without meaning to, we're giving away our personal data all over, everywhere on the Internet. And this is why I love and recommend and use Delete Me. I like a good deal as much as the next guy, but I want you to remember that every email click or every newsletter sign up is you giving another piece of your personal information to to somebody else. And that data doesn't just stay with them most of the time, they're selling it behind your back to shady data brokers who grab it, bundle it and sell it to God knows who else. If you want to take back your privacy and your peace, get Delete Me. Delete Me is like a digital cleaning crew. They find your information on all these secret data broker sites and they get it removed and they keep it gone. Because peace doesn't just come from turning off notifications. It comes from knowing that your data is not for sale right now. You can get 20% off your annual plan when you go to joindelete me.com DeLoney that's joindeleteme.com DeLoney.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Go protect your digital life.

Sacramento, California let's talk to Jennifer.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

Hey Jennifer, what's up?

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Hey Dr. John, how's it going?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Great. How are you?

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Not too bad, not too bad.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. So what's up?

[Caller (Jennifer)]

So I have been married for, oh, gosh, eight years. And together with my husband for a little longer than that. And when we first got together, I actually joined him at church, kind of, you know, admittedly, as a pleasing way to kind of join my way into the family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

You know, you're young, you know.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

You gotta get in there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wow, that was well said, Jennifer. Not that I don't believe.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Not that I don't believe, but, you know, their church specifically, and that specific, you know, synod of sorts was very evangelical. And I found out through experience that that is the absolute pillar of the family, at least in my in laws eyes. My husband grew up that way. His dad was the principal of the school tied to the church, so he grew up completely educated within the church.

And, you know, came out on the other side saying, well, you know, I believe, but not for me. And so a lot of this has caused a lot of. A lot of schism in the family. And they kind of come back together sort of and kind of repair and move on. But the move on is, you know, tied together with a lot of grudges. And so the latest schism has lasted about three years, and it's created a lot of favoritism in the family. And it's very evident to now, you know, my nieces and nephews, who are all kind of getting aware of what grandma and grandpa like them more than us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

So how do I, you know, stand here in the middle? We don't have any children, but, you know, being surrounded by the whole family where we're on one side and they are on another, how do I, you know, not fix it, but leave the field.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Leave the field.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Yes.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, I'm saying leave the field. Oh, listen, like, I'll say this as directly as I can. His parents have made it very clear they don't want y' all around.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They don't want y' all in their life. Unless you worship as they want you to worship, where they want you to worship and how they want you to worship.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And unless you want to play, you want to wear their suit that comes out of their closet, they don't want to be in relationship with you, period.

And there's a deep grief that comes with that sort of cutting you off.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And most of the time, the people pleaser in us, the solver in us. And if your husband grew up in that world, he's been people pleasing his whole freaking life. It's. There's a sense of responsibility to make sure the adults in our life are okay.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

I remember one of the greatest.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like only in retrospect. One of the greatest gifts my dad gave me is when he quit being a policeman and took over a job as a minister at the. At our big church. He said, I'm going to be your minister now, and I'm your dad, and so you're not going to be able to hear me.

You need to find some men that you trust. And of course he can. He helped point me in the direction. In that direction.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I remember him saying this. I don't care where you go to church. I just want you to go somewhere.

And that was I.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

At the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. I blew it off because I was, I don't know, 10 or 12 or whatever, and I was like, okay. Like, you know. But in retrospect, that may have cost him his job, that he was a minister somewhere and his kid went somewhere else. But it was a bigger deal to him that I find a place where I could plug into.

And I found a group of people just to do life with than it was him being right. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your husband doesn't have that. He has the opposite. You will do as I say. And the weapon here, the. The. Is my relationship with you.

Good God almighty.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That breaks my heart, dude.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah. And funny enough, you know, joining his family. Their family to me was the stable ones. I came from a really chaotic family, you know, drugs and alcohol abuse and, you know, emotional neglect and all of that kind of stuff. And so seeing his family, you know, in my eyes, looked on the outside, very stable.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you went and married your unfinished business.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Indeed.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

I know. You know, I'm no worse off for it. I love the guy, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, it's not that.

[Caller (Bethany)]

But the way that we did it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your body recognized o. Emotional manipulation. Oh. Control and power. Oh. Addiction. It just was. Came in a different bottle.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah, I'm home.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

Yeah, I'm home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right? And your body goes, ah, here we are. And your mind's like, what?

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

It's. It's tough too, because I. I'm the.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Only one in the family, at least his family actually, and mine as well, who's been through therapy and actually got help for, you know, how I've been.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Feeling and Jennifer, why would you go to therapy?

[Show Announcer/Producer]

You just need to pray harder.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Duh.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

I can't tell you how many times I've heard that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

Listen, here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's the. The brass tax truth. He has to make the call.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That. That call is going to be informed. By a wife who loves him deeply and will be his ride or die, come hell or high water. But he's gonna have to make that call. Otherwise, if you sever the relationship with his family, there's going to be a wedge between the two of you. However small or thin or invisible it feels, it will be there forever.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the second thing is, is you'll have to exhale and grieve the fact.

That his parents would rather.

Y' all continue to be elementary school kids and do exactly what they say, whenever they say it's. Then they would prefer to be in relationship with you.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's not how parents should be, but that's what you got.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Yeah, I agree.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah, it's. It's heavy. Just, you know, with. With that because I crave the unity. And so I put it on my. My shoulders for a long time, especially because we were in the middle in hearing both sides, not necessarily just his parents, but I mean, his. His sister as well. He has a couple, and one sister is in their boat still and is the favorite because, you know, she's kind of the. She's the oldest and she's, you know, done everything right, you know, according to their book. And, you know, here we are what they would probably refer to as joining the dark side with the other sister who, you know, they won't even tell they're coming into town.

From out of state. So it's. Yeah, it breaks my heart to watch, too. Just for my niece and nephew to say.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's the same question you've been haunted by since you were a little girl. Why.

Dad? Why. Why would you choose to drink over me?

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you married into. Why would you choose. Why would you choose to be manipulative and.

Discontinue relationship unless I sing and dance exactly as you want me to sing and dance.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's the same exact question. It's just got a different suit on it.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so the heartbreaking work is finding yourself in the exact same.

Toxic, destructive mass.

And then asking yourself that scary question, okay, who are we going to be now? What are we going to do now?

We're going to have a different kind of Thanksgiving and a different kind of Christmas this year, and we're inviting younger sister.

And that's great. And we're going to be sad that it's not what we wanted it to be, which is one big happy family, because half of our family has chosen to not be in relationship with us.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, if they called, I would say, hey, they're choosing.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

If that's the boundary you're drawing, either they go to this church and worship.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

At our building or they don't get to come. I would say, okay, you made your bed.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like you put the cards on the table and they called. Right.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

Or you made your bet and they called it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's like it.

Just stinks. It's such a dumb, unnecessary, heartbreaking fracture of a relationship.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

I agree.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And yet here we are.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there's something about saying out loud, your dad doesn't want to be in relationship with you.

My father in law doesn't like me.

Yeah, it's the worst.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

For sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And also I think for you it's got to feel worse. Tell me if I'm wrong, but when you were playing along.

Man, those hugs felt good, didn't they?

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Actually, they don't hug.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

This hug leads to sex and sex.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Leads to dancing, right?

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Actually kind of. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, dude. I mean, there's just some deep grief here. And after the grief is asking yourself, okay, brass tacks. What does church look like for us?

Brass tax. What does the holiday season look like for us? Because we can't, we can't have nothing. We got to have community. We got to have people. So if our family is asking or telling us, we don't want to be in relationship with you. Okay, we got to be in relationship with somebody. So is there an island of misfit toys that we can have a great Thanksgiving with? Or like my family and my wife's family, they just live 17 hours away. And so our Easter is the best. You know who comes? The craziest group of people you can possibly imagine. People asleep on the couch.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

People like tattoo artists.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She comes like, like musicians come, bankers come, higher education. It is the most random group of people. And I love it. Love it. Single people come, kids ever. But we had to do that because we packed up and moved away from everybody. And so it's creating the real. Like it's. Here's this reality. I gotta deal with it. I hate this for you, Jennifer. I hate it for everybody going through this, this holiday, this holiday season, whether it's around religion, whether it's around anything, which is you sing or dance, or as your parent, I'm taking my relationship and I'm using it as a weapon to cut you off. I hate that, man. I hate that. I hate that. I hate that.

I'll tell you. Aging parents with young adult kids.

I've never met somebody in the last stages of their life ever. Not one time. Have I ever met somebody in the last stages of life say, I'm really glad I cut my kid off over issue X, Y, or Z? Who they voted for, who they were dating, what church they went to. Like, I've never heard somebody heading into the last years or weeks or months of their life say, I'm so glad I cut them off ever. I have heard repeatedly, man, if I could have five more minutes.

Aging parents, it's your move.

When we come back, a woman asks, how do we talk about Santa with our kids?

[Show Announcer/Producer]

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. The holidays are a time of traditions, both good ones and not so good ones. The holidays can be busy, stressful, and for many of us, lonely. And that's why it's a great time to reflect on what the good traditions are during our holiday season and the traditions that aren't so great. And if you need to dig into some of those not so great traditions, therapy can give you space to reflect on the old traditions and create new ones. If you're thinking about therapy, I recommend BetterHelp. They've served over 5 million people globally with an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. BetterHelp is totally online, so it's easy to fit into your busy holiday schedule. To get started, just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. If it's not the right fit, you can change therapists at any time for no extra cost. This month, during the chaos, the start a new tradition by taking care of you. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10 off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, let's go out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To Richmond, Indiana, talk to Bethany. What's up?

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Bethany.

Hi.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Oh, my gosh, I'm so excited.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm excited to talk to you. Hey, you just heard how terrible I am at this job. Like, we had to edit this stuff in. I. I don't know what. My. My mouth isn't working today. I can't make full words and sentences. So we'll try to get through this one the best.

[Caller (Bethany)]

You're not a Hoosier. Okay? You're not a Hoosier.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, good. Exactly. All right. What's up?

[Caller (Bethany)]

Okay, so I was wondering what age do.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Before you ask that before. Yes, It. I've gotta. I gotta give a disclaimer here. Okay. Okay, Kelly let me know. Gave me a heads up on this call because.

I didn't make a disclaimer in the past when I've had these conversations. And oh no, I have people who.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

Are listening to the show and their.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Kids are in the room. So parents, we're talking about Santa. If you got kids in the room.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

Spoiler alert, either get your kids out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of the room or you can just let me do it for you and then you gotta clean up the mess that I'm about to make. All right, Bethany, go for it.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Okay, So I have 11 year old son and a 21 year old son. The 11 year old was a surprise blessing that we didn't wasn't expecting.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Surprise?

[Caller (Bethany)]

Yes, it was a very big surprise. But anyway, the 11 year old still 100% believes. The 21 year old is telling me that I need to tell him that he went through this as a kid and he thinks it's horrible and all these things. And I'm thinking to myself, why not let the kid be a kid? Yeah, so that was my question.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Fifth grader.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Apparently I've traumatized my oldest fifth grader. He is in fifth grade?

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why does your oldest say he was traumatized?

Did he find out the hard way on the playground?

[Caller (Bethany)]

He found out when the tooth fairy was taking care of her aging ill parents and forgot to leave. Tooth fairy money.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So stupid.

[Caller (Bethany)]

I know. That tooth fairy shit got me every time.

So I have went to great lengths to keep this secret. Like I took a picture of him with the elf and you know, I've done. And then, then I erased it. I have tried so hard to keep this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so let me ask you, what does this story get you?

[Caller (Bethany)]

Get me?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Honestly, I want him to have memories.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's got memories. He's got a great mom. He's got a crazy older brother. He's got great memories. What is the perpetuating this story? What does that get you?

[Caller (Bethany)]

I didn't have all this growing up. I didn't have memories I didn't have. I remember sitting at on my couch on Thanksgiving, eating a Tostino's pizza.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There we go.

[Caller (Bethany)]

And I don't want that for my kids ever.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They will never have that. You know why? Because they got an awesome mom.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Well, thank you. But.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

Anyway.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, you can't hear that. And I'm gonna keep saying it until you hear it. Your kids have an awesome mom.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Thank you. I've done my best.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

You're doing a great job.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're changing a family tree from the inside. I mean, you're doing amazing stuff.

But here's the hard thing, though. Okay? I said a nice thing. I'm gonna say a hard thing.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Be very careful about using your child's experience.

For your inner hurt.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because then your kid can become a Xanax for your pain. And that's not their job.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

No, it's not.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

And so in his little face.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Light up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know it's the best. It's magic. It's magic.

[Caller (Bethany)]

And then, you know, when they find out, it's just like, okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Except. Except.

I, I. I've done a lot of things not right. I've had to explain jokes that I probably shouldn't have made in front of my kids in a way, like, I haven't done things right. I will say, I think I hit this one out of the park.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And can I tell you why?

[Caller (Bethany)]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is. I didn't wait until it was this moment. And by the way, fifth grade, he's going to get blown up this year. I can guarantee it.

Guaranteed.

[Caller (Elizabeth)]

No, my kid was in sixth grade.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Almost, you know, like, it's different times.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Every kid didn't have a smartphone.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Mine don't either. My oldest does because he's 21.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But your youngest doesn't. But all his friends do.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Okay, that's a true point.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

So here, here's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. The conversation with my son was something. He was. I don't even remember how young he was. He was way younger than 11, maybe six or seven or eight. I believe deeply that childhood has been robbed of magic. And so I love Halloween for them. I love Santa for them. And people always ask me, when I say, don't lie to your kids, what about Santa Claus, dude? It's totally a different thing, right? So I believe in magic for kids. I love it. The outdoors, the woods, forts. Like. Like when I come home and all the couch cushions are off and they've made a fort, I'm all in. And blankets are everywhere. Like, I believe in childhood magic because I think it's been stripped away by stupid adults. And.

There came a moment, I remember the conversation. My son said something like, dad, I'm gonna ask for something crazy for Christmas. And if I don't get it, I know I'm gonna pray for something. And if God doesn't give it to me, then I'm just gonna ask Santa for it. And I was like, okay, we probably should have this conversation, right? He's starting to conflate the two. And so here's what I did. This is the silliest taster's choice moment. And I don't care I said, hey, I need you to meet me in the bed of my pickup truck out in the driveway. And he looked at me kind of weird, and I said, we're gonna have a big grown up conversation.

And he said, okay. And so here's what I did. I set up a totally brand new environment. We've never done that there. And I told him, I'm inviting you in to an adult world just for a minute. And the sense he got, he stood six feet tall.

Because it was. I set it up as I'm now grabbing your hand and pulling you into another world that you don't even know exists. And it's called grown up world. And it's not as fun, but it can be awesome. And I trust you enough with a hard conversation.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so he sat in there and we had the. I. We talked it out. I said, there's a story of Santa Claus. You know about Santa Claus?

[Caller (Bethany)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

You asked me one time, how does Santa Claus fit down the chimney? You asked me one time, how do the reindeer get to every house?

And then I explained it, but I set up a context where he didn't come home and find out mom and dad were liars. I invited him into level two of the world, into a developmentally appropriate conversation. And then hilariously, at the very end, I said, yeah, any questions, man? You ask any question you want. And he felt very special. And then he goes, tooth fairy. And I go, nope. And he goes. He started laughing. I mean, he was a young kid, but the way he was like, tooth fairy. And I was like, nope. And he just started cracking up, but.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

I was like, that's the way adults love. We don't get to play anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is how we get to re experience childhood. And he was like, yeah, that's awesome.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

And then when he had the exact.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Opposite reaction that your son has because he had a sister come along six years later and he kept it magic for her.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying?

[Caller (Bethany)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if you.

Oh, man. If.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

If you're moving this along down the.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Road because you're scared of the conversation or you want to avoid it as long as possible because you want to make sure that your kid doesn't ever feel like you felt, rest assured, they never will. Your kid's so loved. It's amazing.

[Caller (Jennifer)]

He is loved.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your kid ever had Pop Tarts on the couch for Thanksgiving?

[Caller (Bethany)]

Oh, yeah. Oh, no. No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, so let's.

[Caller (Bethany)]

I mean, our family's small, but I grew up with my grandparents, so my cousins were all 15 years older than me, you know, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So let's traffic in reality. Let's feel our feelings. But then let's ask, is this true? And what's true is, no. My son has a very different experience than I had. He is loved.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He knows mystery and excitement and fun. And.

Before I let him just stumble into this and discover it, I'm going to take his hand and he's going to walk with me into this next thing.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Is he gonna be heartbroken?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Maybe.

[Caller (Bethany)]

Oh.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or he might be completely excited. He'll be heartbroken if he finds out on his own that mom and dad hadn't been telling him the truth. What else have they been telling me?

[Caller (Bethany)]

Yeah, I live.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That he might be completely energized. I don't.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

My. My n equals 1 in my.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or my daughter had this very. I did the same thing with my daughter, and she did the. She was like that, too.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

So I've got two examples of I'm before that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You find out, I'm going to invite you into.

A new kind of magic, which is adulthood. It's kind of rad. It's also kind of a bum deal, but it's kind of rad, all right? And I'm gonna invite you into this world just for a minute, and then you gotta go back to being a kid. But there was no heartbreak in those two. But I controlled the environment, made it special, made them feel bigger than they.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

Really were, treated them with dignity and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Respect, told them the truth. All those.

I always want my kids to. I don't ever want my kids to discover something out in the world and think, I don't think I can bring this home. Or, why did my parents tell me this? And so this is just one of those moments when you're going to have to have the conversation. You're going to have to have the conversation about sex. I'd rather you create a, like, natural conversation in the house. And they always know they can have conversations. They're going to want to know questions about your mom and dad. That's gonna be tough. I'm just not gonna hide things. But I'm also not gonna rob my kids of magic either. And I don't know. I love the story of Santa. I think it's fun. I think it's one of the last things we got left. And. But there does come a moment in fifth grade, it feels about right for me. I mean, that feels a little bit at the top end of right. I think I went earlier. Kelly, how old were you guys when you ruined Your kids childhood.

[Caller (Kelly)]

My son was probably about fourth grade, but we handled it. Every time he would ask, we would say, well, what do you think? That's how we always handled it. And then I remember one year he said, I think I know. And I said, well, do you want to talk about it? He said, not yet.

He wasn't ready yet. And then the next year he asked again and I said, well, what do you think? And he said, I don't think he's real, but we have a special needs child in our house, adult who still believes. And we brought him in on. And I think you could do that with siblings. Yeah, we brought him and he's. He helps us now do that and he loves it. But yeah, that was always our answer.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, what do you think?

[Caller (Kelly)]

You know, so kind of letting them lead the conversation.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But yeah, third, second, third, fourth, fifth. I mean kids are. Every kid's different. But don't let your heartbreak dictate how you think his feelings are going to go. And you know your kid so you'll know how to make it special. For me in Texas is the. It was the back of a truck, in the bed of a truck. I don't know. A great question. And if y' all are listening to.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

This and you didn't let your kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Out of the room and they just found out Santa's not real. I told you so. We'll be right back.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

I travel the country for a living and if you've seen me on stages, if you've seen me at comedy clubs, wherever you've seen me, you've almost surely seen me wearing poncho shirts. I love my poncho shirts. And it's cold outside now, so I can wear my favorite poncho shirts, the denims and flannels. Poncho's performance denim has that soft, broken in feel with a little bit of stretch. It's like you've worn it a thousand times, but it still looks amazing. And poncho flannels, like the one I'm wearing right now, come in original or western styles. And they are guaranteed to be the softest shirts you own. Somehow they're both durable and comfortable. Poncho shirts come in slim or regular fit and they're built for real life. I wear them on stages, I wear them to church, and I wear them when I'm out working in the woods. They are ready for whatever life throws at them. When you're shopping for the men and boys in your life this holiday season, go to ponchooutdoors.com DeLoney and get them hooked up. Sign up with your email and you'll get 10 bucks off your first order. And tell Poncho you heard about them right here on this show. And if you're into the social media thing, take a picture of the men in your life wearing Poncho and tag me and tag Poncho. Hurry right now and get your order placed to get free shipping before the holidays. That's poncho outdoors.com DeLoney.

All right, we're.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Back with a money and marriage question. This is a good one.

This is an anonymous question that I received at the money and marriage retreat. We got one. By the time this comes out, the November one will already have happened, right? Yeah. And we've got one limited tickets if it's not sold out in February, Valentine's Day weekend here in Nashville. Right here is a question from the anonymous question box.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

My husband always said he would get.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A vasectomy when we were done having kids. Now that we're done, he says he won't get one. How do I get him to follow through with his our plan?

I mean, there's a nuclear option here, which is when you take care of your end of the deal.

You can have my end of the deal. I shouldn't have said it like that. I mean, I mean, hey, we made an agreement. I'm not taking the pill anymore. We're not using condoms anymore. And so shops closed until you keep up. I mean, you can play that game. The deeper, probably more realistic conversation is.

Why? Why have you said I'm not going to do this anymore? Is it something because of bad information that you got on Instagram that like if you men who get vasectomies don't have just a stupid stuff like that that's just simply nonse and not true. Or is it a fear of going into the doctor's office and having someone chip chop, chip chop, chip chop. And if that's the case, you can just have him go with you to your next annual and he can see what you go through all the time and he can get over himself.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

Or I mean, it's getting to the.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, you have gone back on what you said you're going to do. I'm asking, I'm being curious instead of judgmental. I want to see you and I want to know you. Why? What are your big concerns? And let's have that hard conversation because I think there's twofold here. One, I don't want to get pregnant again is what it sounds like. Here we've agreed we don't want any more kids. And yet we got a live. We got a loaded weapon here. And so I want to protect ourselves. And the second thing is.

You're going back on what you said. You didn't keep your word. And.

Maybe that's the second time, third time, 10th time, he's made a plan that he didn't follow through on.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

And so let's get to the deeper.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Issue here and have the harder conversation. The thing behind the thing. Behind the thing.

But for whatever it's worth.

Every single guy I know that's got vasectomy has given it a 10 out of 10. 100 out of a hundred. Hashtag, just saying. Thank you so much.

[Show Announcer/Producer]

I love you guys. Stay out of trouble.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Bye.