My Husband Spends All My Salary - The Dr. John Delony Show

Transcript

Anna (0:05)

He likes to go out and he'll pick up the bill and then I'm left there standing in line at the food bank because he decided to spend $200. When I approach him about it, I'm the bad guy because he's not been allowed to go out to eat.

Dr. John DeLoney (0:21)

Yeah, he's not, because y'all are broke. What up, what up, what up, what up? This is the Dr. John DeLoney show talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. And if you're like me, you got a lot going on. For 20 years I've sat with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. And I'd love to sit with you. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693- 3291 or go to john deloney.com ask a s k. Let's roll out to San Francisco and talk to Anna. Hey, Anna.

Anna (1:04)

Hi, John. Yes, I had a question about financial abuse. And my question is, when is financial behavior in a relationship considered financial abuse or just typical financial behavior in a relationship?

Dr. John DeLoney (1:24)

Tell me what you're working through.

Anna (1:26)

What I'm working with is we, I've been in a relationship for 13 years and I'm, I'm unmarried.

Dr. John DeLoney (1:35)

Okay.

Anna (1:36)

We have three children together.

Dr. John DeLoney (1:38)

Oh, boy. Okay.

Anna (1:40)

And in the beginning of our relationship, I did not have a bank account. I had a job, but I did not have a bank account. And then when I became pregnant with our first child, I stopped working and he, without me prompting, surprised me as a gesture, added me to his bank account for, you know, our upcoming child. And I, and, and then that's when our finances were commingled and I, that's.

Dr. John DeLoney (2:13)

Like, that's like the great Beyonce song. If you like him, if you like her, then you should have put her on your bank account. Gosh, what a gesture. What a gesture.

Anna (2:24)

It was a huge gesture. And we never sat down, like talked about the nuances because at this time neither one of us had a penny to our name. We didn't have two nickels to rub together. But we had this child coming up and it meant a lot.

Dr. John DeLoney (2:40)

Summary

Podcast Title: The Dr. John Delony Show
Host/Author: Ramsey Network
Episode: My Husband Spends All My Salary
Release Date: December 13, 2024
Description: The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that provides real talk on relationships and mental health challenges. Listeners are encouraged to send their questions via voicemail or email.

1. Caller: Anna – "My Husband Spends All My Salary" ([00:05] - [10:10])

Issue Presented:
Anna reaches out to discuss what she perceives as financial abuse in her 13-year unmarried relationship. She explains that her husband frequently spends large sums of money without considering their limited finances, leaving her financially strained and emotionally distressed.

Key Points:

Financial Dependency and Abuse:
Anna details how her finances became intertwined when her husband added her to his bank account upon their first child's birth. Over the years, she became the primary breadwinner while her husband struggled with maintaining steady employment, leading to financial instability.
Emotional Manipulation:
Anna feels emotionally unsafe as her husband gaslights her concerns about their financial situation, making her feel as though she is overreacting when she voices her worries.
Impact on Daily Life:
Her husband spends money irresponsibly, such as paying for meals out while Anna finds herself relying on food banks. When Anna confronts him, she is blamed for the financial strain.

Notable Quotes:

Anna ([00:05]):
"He likes to go out and he'll pick up the bill and then I'm left there standing in line at the food bank because he decided to spend $200."
Dr. John DeLoney ([05:53]):
"It is not financial abuse for you to look up and say I have to make sure the needs of me and my child's safety is being met."
Anna ([09:33]):
"I took an equity line of credit to pay off all of our debt and found out about a month ago that without my knowledge, he maxed them all out again."

Dr. John's Advice:

Recognizing Financial Abuse:
Dr. John clarifies that Anna's situation constitutes financial abuse, emphasizing that her role as the primary provider obligates her to protect her and her children's financial security.
Practical Steps to Regain Control:
- Move her salary to a new bank account.
- Close joint accounts and notify her husband that she has removed funds.
- Freeze her credit report to prevent unauthorized loans or credit cards in her name.
Emotional Support and Safety:
Dr. John encourages Anna to prioritize her emotional safety, acknowledging her fear and validating her feelings. He emphasizes the importance of taking immediate action to protect her family's financial stability.

Conclusion:
Anna is urged to take decisive steps to separate her finances from her husband, ensuring the safety and well-being of herself and her children. Dr. John underscores the necessity of breaking free from an abusive financial dynamic to restore peace and security in her life.

2. Caller: Amy – "Ending a 30-Year Friendship" ([16:26] - [26:01])

Issue Presented:
Amy seeks guidance on whether she should end a 30-year friendship that she now finds toxic. She has been the constant support for her friend, who has been entangled in a cycle of toxic relationships, leading Amy to question if she herself is part of the toxicity.

Key Points:

Long-Term Friendship Dynamics:
Amy and her friend have known each other since kindergarten. Over the years, Amy has been the steadfast support system, especially as her friend navigates toxic relationships.
Realization of Toxicity:
After witnessing her friend cycle back into another toxic relationship, Amy begins to introspect and realizes that the friendship may be contributing to her own emotional strain.
Emotional Grief in Letting Go:
Amy struggles with the grief associated with potentially ending a decades-long friendship, recognizing the depth of their shared history.

Notable Quotes:

Amy ([16:26]):
"She has been trapped in a cycle of toxic relationships with men since high school, and I've been her go-to person to save her."
Dr. John DeLoney ([19:56]):
"You have an obligation to yourself, to your husband, to your kids, to your family, to your friends to."
Amy ([24:21]):
"I just don't know how to grieve it."

Dr. John's Advice:

Assessing the Friendship:
Dr. John advises Amy to evaluate whether the friendship is genuinely beneficial or if it's draining her emotional resources. He emphasizes the importance of self-preservation and setting boundaries.
Effective Communication:
If Amy decides to end the friendship, Dr. John suggests having a direct and honest conversation, explaining that she can no longer support the toxic dynamic.
Emotional Support Systems:
He encourages Amy to seek new friendships and support systems that reciprocate her emotional investment, helping her move forward without feeling guilty.

Conclusion:
Dr. John supports Amy in recognizing the need to end a toxic friendship, stressing that her well-being and family obligations take precedence. He advises her to communicate her decision honestly and seek healthier relationships moving forward.

3. Caller: Kelly – "Balancing a Well-Paying Job and Personal Life" ([29:51] - [49:15])

Issue Presented:
Kelly, a 27-year-old construction industry professional in Nashville, struggles to balance his demanding job with his personal life as a newly married husband. He feels overwhelmed by the responsibilities and fears that the stress may lead to burnout or financial instability.

Key Points:

Career Pressures:
Kelly has climbed the ladder in his construction career, now managing high-value deals and contracts. The pressure to perform and the fear of making mistakes weigh heavily on him.
Impact on Personal Life:
The intense focus on his career has led to sleep deprivation, lack of decompression time, and strained relationships, particularly with his wife.
Fear of Failure:
Kelly's anxiety about maintaining his position and financial stability prevents him from seeking balance or taking steps to alleviate stress.

Notable Quotes:

Kelly ([30:02]):
"I recently got married. She moved in. We're trying to do the whole thing. And then, like, from a Christian standpoint, I'm trying to understand, like, when do I keep staying in the battle, and then when do I start looking for something new?"
Dr. John DeLoney ([30:10]):
"Don't ever use the word balance again, because it's not a word, it's a myth. It's fake. It's not real."
Kelly ([36:19]):
"This is going to be for the rest of my life."

Dr. John's Advice:

Discarding the Myth of Balance:
Dr. John advises against striving for "balance," suggesting that it creates an unrealistic expectation and instead focusing on managing priorities effectively.
Creating a Third Option:
Instead of being forced into an either/or scenario (keeping the job or facing homelessness), Dr. John encourages Kelly to create additional options, such as diversifying his income or seeking roles that offer a better work-life integration.
Emotional and Mental Health Support:
He emphasizes the importance of seeking therapy and building a support network of trusted individuals to alleviate stress and prevent burnout.
Financial Prudence:
Dr. John suggests paying off depreciating assets first and ensuring that their primary residence is secure and unencumbered by risky financial obligations.

Notable Quotes:

Dr. John DeLoney ([41:20]):
"You probably haven't blown something up yet."
Dr. John DeLoney ([46:15]):
"And it relieves that pressure."

Conclusion:
Dr. John empowers Kelly to rethink his approach to career and personal life, encouraging him to seek mental health support, prioritize peace over financial gains, and recognize that seeking balance is a myth. By implementing practical changes and leaning on support systems, Kelly can manage his responsibilities without sacrificing his well-being or personal relationships.

4. Caller: Rachel – "Sticking to a Special Diet While Traveling" ([54:33] - [60:10])

Issue Presented:
Rachel faces conflict with her husband over adhering to a specialized diet during their travels. While she maintains her diet for health reasons, her husband finds it inconvenient and believes she should be more flexible to accommodate family dynamics.

Key Points:

Health vs. Convenience:
Rachel prioritizes her diet due to health concerns, bringing her own food and equipment to ensure she can stick to her regimen, which disrupts the family's travel plans.
Conflict and Flexibility:
Her husband argues that Rachel's adherence to her diet imposes inconvenience on the rest of the family, suggesting she should adapt for the sake of harmony during trips.
Emotional Well-being:
Rachel feels significantly worse when she deviates from her diet, leading to increased stress once they return to daily life.

Notable Quotes:

Rachel ([54:33]):
"Do I need to be more flexible? Normally, I would agree with him, but I feel noticeably worse when I don't stick to my diet."
Dr. John DeLoney ([56:16]):
"There are people that eat specialized ways as an act of theater. It's their way to get the world to move around them."
Rachel Cruz ([59:42]):
"And don't forget the blender."

Dr. John's Advice:

Respecting Individual Needs:
Dr. John acknowledges the legitimacy of Rachel's dietary requirements, distinguishing between genuine health needs and superficial dietary choices.
Minimizing Theater:
He advises Rachel to plan ahead to prevent her dietary needs from becoming the focal point of family travels, suggesting discreet methods to maintain her regimen without disrupting the group's dynamics.
Compassion and Understanding:
Dr. John encourages both Rachel and her husband to find a balance where Rachel can maintain her health without imposing on the family's travel experience, promoting mutual respect and support.

Conclusion:
Dr. John supports Rachel's commitment to her health while recognizing the need for flexibility during family travels. By planning effectively and communicating openly, Rachel and her husband can navigate dietary differences without compromising their relationship or Rachel's well-being.

Overall Insights and Conclusions

Dr. John DeLoney addresses a range of relationship and mental health challenges presented by callers, emphasizing the importance of:

Financial and Emotional Safety:
Recognizing and acting against financial abuse is crucial for personal and familial security.
Healthy Boundaries in Relationships:
Ending toxic friendships and setting boundaries with long-term friends are necessary for emotional well-being.
Work-Life Integration:
Rejecting the myth of perfect balance and instead seeking peace and managing priorities can lead to a healthier personal and professional life.
Respecting Individual Health Needs:
Balancing personal health requirements with family dynamics requires planning and mutual respect to prevent conflicts.

Throughout the episode, Dr. John leverages his experience to provide actionable advice, encouraging callers to prioritize their well-being, establish healthy boundaries, and seek professional support when necessary. His compassionate approach underscores the importance of self-care and proactive decision-making in maintaining healthy relationships and mental health.

Notable General Quotes:

Dr. John DeLoney ([05:06]):
"It is not financial abuse for you to look up and say I have to make sure the needs of me and my child's safety is being met."
Dr. John DeLoney ([22:23]):
"Do you know what my signature is worth? Not very much. If that's the way I see the world, like, it's going to go away."
Dr. John DeLoney ([30:10]):
"Don't ever use the word balance again, because it's not a word, it's a myth. It's fake. It's not real."

These insights collectively highlight the critical themes of financial independence, emotional safety, setting boundaries, and prioritizing mental health, offering valuable guidance to listeners facing similar challenges.