My Husband Spends All My Salary

Summary

Podcast Title: The Dr. John Delony Show
Host/Author: Ramsey Network
Episode: My Husband Spends All My Salary
Release Date: December 13, 2024
Description: The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that provides real talk on relationships and mental health challenges. Listeners are encouraged to send their questions via voicemail or email.

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1. Caller: Anna – "My Husband Spends All My Salary" ([00:05] - [10:10])

Issue Presented:
Anna reaches out to discuss what she perceives as financial abuse in her 13-year unmarried relationship. She explains that her husband frequently spends large sums of money without considering their limited finances, leaving her financially strained and emotionally distressed.

Key Points:

• Financial Dependency and Abuse:
  Anna details how her finances became intertwined when her husband added her to his bank account upon their first child's birth. Over the years, she became the primary breadwinner while her husband struggled with maintaining steady employment, leading to financial instability.

• Emotional Manipulation:
  Anna feels emotionally unsafe as her husband gaslights her concerns about their financial situation, making her feel as though she is overreacting when she voices her worries.

• Impact on Daily Life:
  Her husband spends money irresponsibly, such as paying for meals out while Anna finds herself relying on food banks. When Anna confronts him, she is blamed for the financial strain.

Notable Quotes:

• Anna ([00:05]):
  "He likes to go out and he'll pick up the bill and then I'm left there standing in line at the food bank because he decided to spend $200."

• Dr. John DeLoney ([05:53]):
  "It is not financial abuse for you to look up and say I have to make sure the needs of me and my child's safety is being met."

• Anna ([09:33]):
  "I took an equity line of credit to pay off all of our debt and found out about a month ago that without my knowledge, he maxed them all out again."

Dr. John's Advice:

• Recognizing Financial Abuse:
  Dr. John clarifies that Anna's situation constitutes financial abuse, emphasizing that her role as the primary provider obligates her to protect her and her children's financial security.

• Practical Steps to Regain Control:

  • Move her salary to a new bank account.
  • Close joint accounts and notify her husband that she has removed funds.
  • Freeze her credit report to prevent unauthorized loans or credit cards in her name.

• Emotional Support and Safety:
  Dr. John encourages Anna to prioritize her emotional safety, acknowledging her fear and validating her feelings. He emphasizes the importance of taking immediate action to protect her family's financial stability.

Conclusion:
Anna is urged to take decisive steps to separate her finances from her husband, ensuring the safety and well-being of herself and her children. Dr. John underscores the necessity of breaking free from an abusive financial dynamic to restore peace and security in her life.

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2. Caller: Amy – "Ending a 30-Year Friendship" ([16:26] - [26:01])

Issue Presented:
Amy seeks guidance on whether she should end a 30-year friendship that she now finds toxic. She has been the constant support for her friend, who has been entangled in a cycle of toxic relationships, leading Amy to question if she herself is part of the toxicity.

Key Points:

• Long-Term Friendship Dynamics:
  Amy and her friend have known each other since kindergarten. Over the years, Amy has been the steadfast support system, especially as her friend navigates toxic relationships.

• Realization of Toxicity:
  After witnessing her friend cycle back into another toxic relationship, Amy begins to introspect and realizes that the friendship may be contributing to her own emotional strain.

• Emotional Grief in Letting Go:
  Amy struggles with the grief associated with potentially ending a decades-long friendship, recognizing the depth of their shared history.

Notable Quotes:

• Amy ([16:26]):
  "She has been trapped in a cycle of toxic relationships with men since high school, and I've been her go-to person to save her."

• Dr. John DeLoney ([19:56]):
  "You have an obligation to yourself, to your husband, to your kids, to your family, to your friends to."

• Amy ([24:21]):
  "I just don't know how to grieve it."

Dr. John's Advice:

• Assessing the Friendship:
  Dr. John advises Amy to evaluate whether the friendship is genuinely beneficial or if it's draining her emotional resources. He emphasizes the importance of self-preservation and setting boundaries.

• Effective Communication:
  If Amy decides to end the friendship, Dr. John suggests having a direct and honest conversation, explaining that she can no longer support the toxic dynamic.

• Emotional Support Systems:
  He encourages Amy to seek new friendships and support systems that reciprocate her emotional investment, helping her move forward without feeling guilty.

Conclusion:
Dr. John supports Amy in recognizing the need to end a toxic friendship, stressing that her well-being and family obligations take precedence. He advises her to communicate her decision honestly and seek healthier relationships moving forward.

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3. Caller: Kelly – "Balancing a Well-Paying Job and Personal Life" ([29:51] - [49:15])

Issue Presented:
Kelly, a 27-year-old construction industry professional in Nashville, struggles to balance his demanding job with his personal life as a newly married husband. He feels overwhelmed by the responsibilities and fears that the stress may lead to burnout or financial instability.

Key Points:

• Career Pressures:
  Kelly has climbed the ladder in his construction career, now managing high-value deals and contracts. The pressure to perform and the fear of making mistakes weigh heavily on him.

• Impact on Personal Life:
  The intense focus on his career has led to sleep deprivation, lack of decompression time, and strained relationships, particularly with his wife.

• Fear of Failure:
  Kelly's anxiety about maintaining his position and financial stability prevents him from seeking balance or taking steps to alleviate stress.

Notable Quotes:

• Kelly ([30:02]):
  "I recently got married. She moved in. We're trying to do the whole thing. And then, like, from a Christian standpoint, I'm trying to understand, like, when do I keep staying in the battle, and then when do I start looking for something new?"

• Dr. John DeLoney ([30:10]):
  "Don't ever use the word balance again, because it's not a word, it's a myth. It's fake. It's not real."

• Kelly ([36:19]):
  "This is going to be for the rest of my life."

Dr. John's Advice:

• Discarding the Myth of Balance:
  Dr. John advises against striving for "balance," suggesting that it creates an unrealistic expectation and instead focusing on managing priorities effectively.

• Creating a Third Option:
  Instead of being forced into an either/or scenario (keeping the job or facing homelessness), Dr. John encourages Kelly to create additional options, such as diversifying his income or seeking roles that offer a better work-life integration.

• Emotional and Mental Health Support:
  He emphasizes the importance of seeking therapy and building a support network of trusted individuals to alleviate stress and prevent burnout.

• Financial Prudence:
  Dr. John suggests paying off depreciating assets first and ensuring that their primary residence is secure and unencumbered by risky financial obligations.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John DeLoney ([41:20]):
  "You probably haven't blown something up yet."

• Dr. John DeLoney ([46:15]):
  "And it relieves that pressure."

Conclusion:
Dr. John empowers Kelly to rethink his approach to career and personal life, encouraging him to seek mental health support, prioritize peace over financial gains, and recognize that seeking balance is a myth. By implementing practical changes and leaning on support systems, Kelly can manage his responsibilities without sacrificing his well-being or personal relationships.

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4. Caller: Rachel – "Sticking to a Special Diet While Traveling" ([54:33] - [60:10])

Issue Presented:
Rachel faces conflict with her husband over adhering to a specialized diet during their travels. While she maintains her diet for health reasons, her husband finds it inconvenient and believes she should be more flexible to accommodate family dynamics.

Key Points:

• Health vs. Convenience:
  Rachel prioritizes her diet due to health concerns, bringing her own food and equipment to ensure she can stick to her regimen, which disrupts the family's travel plans.

• Conflict and Flexibility:
  Her husband argues that Rachel's adherence to her diet imposes inconvenience on the rest of the family, suggesting she should adapt for the sake of harmony during trips.

• Emotional Well-being:
  Rachel feels significantly worse when she deviates from her diet, leading to increased stress once they return to daily life.

Notable Quotes:

• Rachel ([54:33]):
  "Do I need to be more flexible? Normally, I would agree with him, but I feel noticeably worse when I don't stick to my diet."

• Dr. John DeLoney ([56:16]):
  "There are people that eat specialized ways as an act of theater. It's their way to get the world to move around them."

• Rachel Cruz ([59:42]):
  "And don't forget the blender."

Dr. John's Advice:

• Respecting Individual Needs:
  Dr. John acknowledges the legitimacy of Rachel's dietary requirements, distinguishing between genuine health needs and superficial dietary choices.

• Minimizing Theater:
  He advises Rachel to plan ahead to prevent her dietary needs from becoming the focal point of family travels, suggesting discreet methods to maintain her regimen without disrupting the group's dynamics.

• Compassion and Understanding:
  Dr. John encourages both Rachel and her husband to find a balance where Rachel can maintain her health without imposing on the family's travel experience, promoting mutual respect and support.

Conclusion:
Dr. John supports Rachel's commitment to her health while recognizing the need for flexibility during family travels. By planning effectively and communicating openly, Rachel and her husband can navigate dietary differences without compromising their relationship or Rachel's well-being.

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Overall Insights and Conclusions

Dr. John DeLoney addresses a range of relationship and mental health challenges presented by callers, emphasizing the importance of:

• Financial and Emotional Safety:
  Recognizing and acting against financial abuse is crucial for personal and familial security.

• Healthy Boundaries in Relationships:
  Ending toxic friendships and setting boundaries with long-term friends are necessary for emotional well-being.

• Work-Life Integration:
  Rejecting the myth of perfect balance and instead seeking peace and managing priorities can lead to a healthier personal and professional life.

• Respecting Individual Health Needs:
  Balancing personal health requirements with family dynamics requires planning and mutual respect to prevent conflicts.

Throughout the episode, Dr. John leverages his experience to provide actionable advice, encouraging callers to prioritize their well-being, establish healthy boundaries, and seek professional support when necessary. His compassionate approach underscores the importance of self-care and proactive decision-making in maintaining healthy relationships and mental health.

Notable General Quotes:

• Dr. John DeLoney ([05:06]):
  "It is not financial abuse for you to look up and say I have to make sure the needs of me and my child's safety is being met."

• Dr. John DeLoney ([22:23]):
  "Do you know what my signature is worth? Not very much. If that's the way I see the world, like, it's going to go away."

• Dr. John DeLoney ([30:10]):
  "Don't ever use the word balance again, because it's not a word, it's a myth. It's fake. It's not real."

These insights collectively highlight the critical themes of financial independence, emotional safety, setting boundaries, and prioritizing mental health, offering valuable guidance to listeners facing similar challenges.

Transcript

[Anna]

He likes to go out and he'll pick up the bill and then I'm left there standing in line at the food bank because he decided to spend $200. When I approach him about it, I'm the bad guy because he's not been allowed to go out to eat.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, he's not, because y'all are broke. What up, what up, what up, what up? This is the Dr. John DeLoney show talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. And if you're like me, you got a lot going on. For 20 years I've sat with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. And I'd love to sit with you. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693- 3291 or go to john deloney.com ask a s k. Let's roll out to San Francisco and talk to Anna. Hey, Anna.

[Anna]

Hi, John. Yes, I had a question about financial abuse. And my question is, when is financial behavior in a relationship considered financial abuse or just typical financial behavior in a relationship?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me what you're working through.

[Anna]

What I'm working with is we, I've been in a relationship for 13 years and I'm, I'm unmarried.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Anna]

We have three children together.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, boy. Okay.

[Anna]

And in the beginning of our relationship, I did not have a bank account. I had a job, but I did not have a bank account. And then when I became pregnant with our first child, I stopped working and he, without me prompting, surprised me as a gesture, added me to his bank account for, you know, our upcoming child. And I, and, and then that's when our finances were commingled and I, that's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, that's like the great Beyonce song. If you like him, if you like her, then you should have put her on your bank account. Gosh, what a gesture. What a gesture.

[Anna]

It was a huge gesture. And we never sat down, like talked about the nuances because at this time neither one of us had a penny to our name. We didn't have two nickels to rub together. But we had this child coming up and it meant a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Anna]

And through. Shortly after I had the birth of our first child, I got a great paying job and with great benefits. About two months after the bir and he wasn't able to continue working his part time job any longer. So we decided he would quit, stay at home with the child and I would continue working to bring Home the bacon. Throughout the years, as the child got older and as time went on, we were in a situation where he was able to start working again and we were able to utilize daycare and I was continuing my job. But then there became a pattern of going from job to job where he would get a job in shortly, quick because he didn't like it or he didn't like management or he would just continuously call out. And this continued on for a few years. And I just thought, you know, he'll. He'll be figuring out what he wants to do. He'll. He'll find his niche eventually. And it became really hard to not rely on what he says he was going to do. I stopped trusting his word.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's because he, he never kept his word.

[Anna]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Andy, your even, your cadence is very tiptoe. Are you safe in your own house?

[Anna]

I. I'm physically safe.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Anna]

But I don't feel emotionally or financially safe.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does he scream at you? Does he swear at you? Is he just like a parasite in the house?

[Anna]

No, he's not. He. Not like that. It's just a lot of. I guess it's just emotional. It's gaslighting where I feel like if I express how I'm feeling, it's my, it's my. It's my problem for feeling how I feel and that I'm just overreacting when I feel a certain way. But I am, I am physically safe.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Anna]

And he does not do any kind.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of yelling or sounds like he doesn't do much anything.

[Anna]

And that's kind of where I've gotten to the point. And it's just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So let me cut, let me cut right to the chase here. It is not financial abuse for you to look up and say I have to make sure the needs of me and my child's safety is being met. And almost always in this situation, it's not a net zero. It's not just like he's being a bump on a log, sitting in the house, just playing video games, doing nothing. It's that he's also buying a bunch of crap and into conspiracy theories and doing willy nilly stuff that he's a net drain on the house. Am I right or wrong?

[Anna]

Yeah, I think, I feel he wants to portray to the world that he is. That he has all this money and I feel like it's kind of. He. He likes to go out to. And go out to lunch with friends and he'll pick up the bill and then I'm left there standing in line at the food bank because he decided to spend $200, you know, a couple days before going out to eat. And when I approach him about it, I'm the bad guy because he's not then allowed to go out to eat.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, he's not. Because y'all are broke.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, yes, you have to take him off, and you have to be prepared for what comes next.

[Anna]

I'm so afraid.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. Are you more afraid of a confrontation with a guy who has been using you as an ATM machine for the last 14 years, won't even commit to you, but is just using you as an ATM machine and making his friends using your blood, sweat, and tears to make his friends think he's cool while you stand in line at a food bank so you and your kid can eat? Are you more scared of that, or are you more scared of ultimately filing bankruptcy? Being destitute because your husband had the willpower of a small child? Like, here's what. You got two hard paths ahead of you. You don't have an easy path. You have to choose your heart. And the path you're on right now is killing you, and you're watching it happen.

[Anna]

I don't understand how as somebody who says they care about their family can be okay with that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And. And I think the challenge for most people is they would never, ever, ever do that. And so they spend time trying to figure out. Most people can't imagine that somebody. How many kids do you have? One.

[Anna]

Three.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Three. Good God. Most people can't wrap their heads around having three kids and a wife working full time and not working ever, to provide, but making sure everybody's taken care of. And when their wife says, hey, we don't have any money. Blowing up on your wife. Most people. That's so insane. That's such a bastardization of the role a husband is supposed to play in their house. Or a man is supposed to. Didn't even bother to be your husband. A man is supposed to play in your house. Like, so his whole life is a fantasy. He plays house, but he won't commit. He plays husband. He won't commit. He plays dad, but he doesn't want the responsibility. He plays friend, but he spends his wife's money while she's getting noodles at a food bank. I mean, his whole life is a fantasy. But here's the problem. You've allowed it.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's a fantasy that continues to grow and grow and grow. He's just a kid in his mom's basement. Just happens to be you're his mom. Right. You're the maternal figure in his life, and he resents you for it, and yet he uses you for it.

[Anna]

I think that the hardest realization is that he's not. I mean, 14 years. And this. The myth, the veil finally lifted this year.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Anna]

And what the final straw was is I took a. We bought a house that's only in my name because he doesn't have good credits. And I took an equity line of credit to pay off all of our debt and found out about a month ago that without my knowledge, he maxed them all out again. But now I'm double in the hole. And he just says that he needed to buy those things. He was getting gas or he was, you know, getting food.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He needs to get a freaking job, and he won't. So, Anna, you're at a precarious position right now, and you're probably not sleeping, and you're probably spinning out a lot. And here's why. Your body knows that you are on a razor's edge. And they're going to take your house from you because you put your house on the block. You're dangerously scared because you know that your credit is going to be like his. And even if they take your home from you because you default on an equity line of credit that you can no longer afford, your kids aren't going to be able to have an apartment because your credit so bad. You know, these things in your nervous system, the real question is, are you going to act on them? What are you going to do next? And I get the grief, and I get this fear, and I get the terror. I get all of it. And even if you don't think you're worth it, your kids are. I'm just sick to my stomach that this is the. This is the way this man has chosen to treat his wife and his children. It's disgusting. It's gross, man. But neither you nor I can do anything about how he chooses to wake up and. And piss away his life. What we can do is choose the next right thing. I want you to think about your four walls. Is my home secure? Do I have running water and electricity? Do I have transportation? Do I have food for me and my children? And if you don't have those things, you have to move to protect yourself financially, particularly when you are the chief breadwinner. You're the only one bringing him money. And listen, his fantasy will come crashing down. The question you have to ask yourself is, will it come crashing down on top of you or next to you. And as for me and my kids, I would not subject them to the. The abrupt ending to his little fantasy run that he's had. So, yes, I would move the money. This is a matter of safety. I would move my direct deposit into a new bank. I would close the checking account and I would tell him, I have taken the money out of the account. You've spent us into a dangerous hole. If you want to go get a job, you're welcome to have money. You will have no more resources or money. And by the way, I want you to put a freeze on your credit report so he can't take out any credit cards in your name, no loans in your name. And I don't know how the laws in California work. Hopefully his 14 years of not being willing to marry you will backfire on him. But I don't know how that crazy state does stuff. So I don't know. Then you gotta ask yourself, is this a relationship you want to stay in? He's a predator. He's a child. He's not a sexual predator. But he is somebody who just does nothing. He's not a parent predator. He's a parasite. That's what he is. It's a parasite. I hate it for you, sister. I wish I had better news. But yes, this is not financial abuse. This is you spreading your wings and protecting your children. And protecting you from somebody who does not care about anything other than himself. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. The colder weather is finally here and that means I'm wearing more flannel and denim shirts from Poncho, the world's best performance shirts for men. Poncho shirts are all amazing and their flannels and their faded denim shirts are two of my favorites. I love Poncho flannels and denims because they're soft yet super durable. You can't destroy them. And I know this because I tried. They have a little bit of stretch so they move with you and they dry quickly. And they have slim and regular fits for different body types. Remember, poncho shirts make great gifts for the men in your family. This holiday season. Head to poncho outdoors.com and check out all of their styles. And right now use code Deloney show at checkout and get a gift with every purchase of a button down shirt. That's poncho outdoors.com code deloney show. Yo, yo. 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And don't forget, during gift giving season, Cozy earth offers a 10 year warranty on all of their bedding. So when you find yourself in the middle of the holiday chaos in the Palm Palms, establish your peaceful sleep sanctuary at home with help from Cozy earth. Go to cozy earth.com DeLoney and use code Deloney for an exclusive discount of up to 40% off. It's cozy earth.comdeloney and if you get a post purchase survey, say that you heard about Cozy Earth on this show. All right, let's go to Denver, Colorado and talk to Amy. What's up, Amy?

[Amy]

I am looking at ending a 30 year friendship.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Whoa. What happened?

[Amy]

Well, it's a little bit of a long story. Do you want me to get into.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It or give me that, Give me the highlights.

[Amy]

Well, the highlights is I have a friend who I've been, we met in kindergarten. We've been good friends for 30 years. It's, you know, we with any relationship, it's had its ebbs and flows, ups and downs, but lately I've been feeling like I'm in a toxic relationship. She has, she has been trapped in a cycle of toxic relationships with men since high school. And I've been her go to person to save her, to help her, to support her. And I've been happy to do that. She's one of my ride or dies. But this last time she got out of a toxic relationship and then went right back in. It kind of opened my eyes to some things that maybe she's the toxic one and maybe I'm in a toxic relationship.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey.

[Amy]

Okay, so I'm looking at kind of pulling away and shutting this friendship down. And there's a lot of grief associated with that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Amy]

So that's what I'm struggling with.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you. Does it have to be an event? And here's what I mean, like, we don't have a good system. They just don't exist. Maybe they do in other cultures. I don't know of any that, like, there's, like, there's ways to end romantic relationships and there's ways to end business relationships. There's just not a good way to end a grown up adult friendship.

[Amy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, there's not like a. Like, I'm breaking up with you, like, over coffee. That just doesn't work like that.

[Amy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But. So I'm asking you, does it have to be an event or can it just be. Dude, I'm not. I'm not gonna answer. I don't have to answer the phone.

[Amy]

I think that's kind of what I've been doing. So I went through some training recently where I've been extremely busy. And I kind of was like, I'm not. I'm. I'm not available this month and kind of let that ease out. But now I'm feeling like, should I tell her why I'm not going to answer her phone calls? I mean, we've.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If she is. If she is a toxic person, you coming up with the right explanation will not satisfy her.

[Amy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That conversation will be theater for you. And it won't it. I mean it. If she chooses to ask you because she cares about you as much as you've cared about her over 30 years, she'll ask you, hey, why'd you, like, seriously, you never answer the phone anymore. And then you could say, dude, I just. I can't do the toxic boy thing anymore. I just can't. Like, you make your choices. You do your thing. I've been ride or die for so long. Like, I've got to. I've got. I just don't have the mental capacity for it anymore. That's being 100% honest.

[Amy]

It is. And like two months ago, when she got out of this relationship, she was crying and I was there for her, and she said, please don't disappear on me. And this is kind of one of the things that opened my eyes. A lot of people have disappeared on her. And I was like, well, maybe you are the common denominator. And it was like, light bulb went on for me. So I told her I wouldn't disappear. But now I'm like, well, maybe I do want to disappear.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, there's a difference between you disappearing and her pushing you away way.

[Amy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You bailing on her is one thing. And you committed to not do that. Her constantly calling you and barraging you with tons of text or I need you to do this or I can't borrow some money or oh my gosh, can you. I, I don't want to be a part of that.

[Amy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'll also say this. Sometimes these type of. You only have a few, a few opportunities to have a 30 year friendship. You only have a few opportunities like that. And so here's, here's kind of my thinking on it. I have a few 30 year friendships. I have a few 40 year friendships. I believe those conversations are worth direct in line, human to human conversation. Like, yeah, we've. When you, when you cross the. I'm just making this up. But when you cross the quarter century mark, I'm done having to filter myself around you.

[Amy]

Well, that's one thing I'm good at. I don't filter, okay? I'm very direct. She comes to me when she needs the direct, like, what's happening here? And I'll tell her what I feel. I don't, I mean, I'm not mean about it, but I don't sugarcoat it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay? So some of the greatest, some of the greatest moments of my life, especially when I was a young, young guy trying to figure out how to be a young adult, was when friends would tell me, dude, you are the worst. And those what? Like those men are still my friends to this day.

[Amy]

Right? And we've weathered a few of those where I did something to help her and she blew up on me and stopped talking to me and then came back later and said, yeah, that was the right thing to do.

[Harvey]

Cool.

[Amy]

And I was like, yeah, so you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have a volatile friend who maybe needs to hear, hey, all these people that quote, unquote, leave you, you ever thought it might be you? Because, because, because here's the deal. You're looking at not having the friendship anyway. You might want to consider not having the friendship. Having loved with all you had, which was to tell the truth, that nobody else would tell. This friend versus running away.

[Amy]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does that make sense?

[Amy]

What it does. One thing she comes back at me with is, well, it's my life and I can do what I want.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But listen, for me, but you don't honor that. You don't honor yourself the way she honored herself. Because your response should be, I know, but this is my life and I get to do what I want to do. And I am 40 now. I don't Just don't want to do. I don't want to do dating drama anymore. Right. I want to have different conversations.

[Amy]

And that's another thing. I'm a mom. I'm married. She's single. She's divorced.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Amy]

And we are way. She. You know, I feel like she lives her life like she's in her 20s and she's almost 40.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She does.

[Amy]

And I'm like, I'm in a different place. And you don't. She doesn't ever support me in the things that I need.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, Amy. Amy. Whatever's happening there, she never has, ever. For 30 years, she hasn't. And I. I think it's not fair for you to suggest that you haven't got something out of this. For 30 years, you've been the hero. For 30 years, you've Been the wise, steady one. You've been the safety net. And now you need someone who's wise. And it's hard having kids. It's hard being married to the same knucklehead. Like, you need somebody to be wise. You need someone to lean on every once in a while, and you're realizing, oh, I don't have that.

[Amy]

That's exactly it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So it's, It's. It does no good to think about to spend time meditating on how much you've helped over 30 years. That's. That's a. That's a choice to be miserable in your present day. Right. The best way to spend energy is to go find people who you can lean on. Right. And that is miserable. And there's no road map for that. Making friends in your 30s and 40s is the absolute worst. It's the worst. And you don't have any other options because you need oxygen. And that's what friends and community are.

[Amy]

Yeah. So I just don't know how to grieve it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, you don't.

[Amy]

You just carry it with you that I'm sad that that had to end.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I think I've talked about on the show, there's. I have. I have one ride or die friend who was my longest, longest friend. And I got a call several years ago, was just like, hey, I'm moving on with my life, and I wish you the best. And this is the last time you'll hear from me. And it was somebody that I love deeply. Been through a lot of wild adventures with. And I don't ever talk about them because I want to honor them, but they. They had. They had the courage and integrity to reach out and Then I immediately fired an email back and it bounced back to me. That was it.

[Amy]

Ouch.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And God, I wish them well, hope their life is full and great and grand. And also, I gotta have other men in my life, other women in my life that I trust. I can lean on when things get wild. I've never raised two kids before. I need some, some wisdom. I've never been married to the same person for 20 years after almost blowing it up a few times. I don't, I'm, I'm over my head as all of us are trying to figure out life. And so I need people in my life. So it was sad. Broke my heart. And I'm gonna go do the next right thing.

[Amy]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because. Because I mean, again, what else am I going to do?

[Amy]

There's really nothing else I can do for her. I've done everything I can do. She's drowning me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. And so you have an obligation to yourself, to your husband, to your kids, to your family, to your friends to. If somebody doesn't want to swim to shore, I, I'm not going to voluntarily drown with you. I will pull and fight and scratch and claw with you to get you back to shore. If that is not where you want to go, then I'm not going to be your, I can't be your person. And by the way, when you're swimming out in the ocean and you're lost, you need help, get back to shore. If they're like, yeah, I don't do that. I don't help. I got a date. I just, I don't, I don't. Life's too short, man. Life's too short. And a 30 year friendship is not something just to throw away. And I think they're worth fighting. And I realize I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth here. If you think a, A, a hard conversation, a direct, loving, confrontational conversation is worth it, have it, sit down and have it. If, like it sounds like y'all have just, y'all have taken two paths and you're both trying to keep pumping air into something that has been deflated for a long time, just let it be. Because my guess is you probably were really great friends. Really, really great friends for about 10 years, really great friends for maybe 15 years. And then you went to college and she didn't. Or y'all both went to college, but you were in the sorority or you had this major and then you started dating somebody seriously. And then you got married and then you kids. And if you look back, you probably have been going your own way for a long, long time. Both of you didn't want to do what it would take to make new friends, so you try to keep propping them up. Remember the old days? Remember that? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's margarita night. Whatever. It's just been a. Maybe you've been living as much fantasy as she has. But my guess is this friendship's been over for a long, long time. Maybe it's time. You don't have to make a big announcement about it. Just time to exhale, be really sad. Then I'm gonna go do the next right thing. I hate it for you, Amy. I hate it for you. And also, I'm excited to see who you can become and who you can begin to rely on when things get hard without somebody always trying to bring you down. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, it's that time of year when it's getting colder, it's getting dark earlier, and sometimes we just want to stay inside and get cozy. For me, my perfect night at home when it's. When it's cold outside is something my family calls the bed pile. My whole family gets under some blankets. We get around a fire, and we either read some books out loud or we just watch a movie together. I love it. Whatever your perfect night looks like, therapy can feel a little bit like that. A time when you can settle in, replenish your energy, and take care of yourself. Therapy is a great way to bring yourself some comfort during the chaos and rush of the holiday season or any other time of year. Taking the time to pause and be mindful is one big reason why I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy with licensed therapists. You can talk with your therapist just about anywhere, so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Find comfort this December with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.com DeLoney all right, let's go down the street to Nashville and talk to Harvey. What's up, Harvey?

[Kelly]

So my question is, how do I manage and balance my life with a well paying job and then my personal life and being a husband?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, number one, don't ever use the word balance again, because it's not a word, it's a myth. It's fake. It's not real.

[Kelly]

Fair enough.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you. Anytime somebody says the word, like, I need to find balance, I want you to insert the words, I want to ride a dragon. Like, it's not a thing. This is not a thing. How old are you?

[Harvey]

Okay.

[Kelly]

I am 27.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

27. All right. Tell me what you're wrestling with.

[Kelly]

So I've been working in the construction industry for a long time here in Nashville.

[Harvey]

Yeah. Yeah, bro.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's like scratching a lottery ticket at 21 years old. The last six years here have been B a N, a n, a S, dude.

[Kelly]

Oh, tell me about it. It's been insane. And so I've kind of climbed the ladder, and I've gotten to a position where I feel financially sound, but I'm starting to feel like I'm spending too much time, too much energy, where I'm missing out on the rest of life. I recently got married. She moved in. We're trying to do the whole thing. And then, like, from a Christian standpoint, I'm trying to understand, like, when do I keep staying in the battle, and then when do I start looking for something new?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You. You keep. You keep. You keep cornering yourself with an either or.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, if you can learn at 27 to fight like hell to avoid either or is at all cost.

[Harvey]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because either or is force you to fight something or to run from something.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And those are never. Those are trauma responses. They're never good platforms to make sound decisions from. Right. So if. If. If. If you don't owe anybody any money, right. Let's say you don't owe anybody any money. Then it's not a matter of either I have to stay at this job and be unethical, or I have to quit and be homeless because I've given myself a third option. I worked really hard to give third option. Be like, yeah, I'm just gonna walk. Yeah, I'm not doing that. Right. And so I always want to create a world where I don't have to find myself in an either or.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's why politics is so. So it's. It messes people up psychologically because it is a this or a that. And this particular, like, election that we're having now is. Has been. Has been dubbed. When this comes out, it will hopefully be over, but it's a either we die or we die. Right. That's the two options, basically. And so I always want to avoid that. So at 27, you have a new wife. Do you have any kids?

[Kelly]

Nope. No kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You're making a great living in the construction world. Are you on call 24 7? Tell me about your job.

[Kelly]

No. So I work more on the front end now. So I work with developers and building deals and writing contracts. So I feel like overwhelmed at times where I'm helping manage hundreds of millions of dollars. And I go home and I'm thinking about it, and on the weekend I can't decompress because I'm imagining what's going to happen during the rest of the week. And the amount of money that my signature holds right now, it feels like I am suffocating myself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When have you screwed something up bad, Harvey?

[Kelly]

I haven't yet.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no. When you're a kid, did you screw something up bad?

[Kelly]

Not that I can think of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Was it your responsibility to make sure mom didn't get mad growing up?

[Kelly]

Partially, yeah. I'm the oldest of four, so I was responsible for, you know, being the leader to my brothers and sister.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Was your dad around?

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did he practice dadding on you?

[Kelly]

Yeah, probably.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is he a different dad with your youngest than he was with you? Yes, all dads are. Right.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's the thing. You're 27, you're. I'll tell you this story. So there's a. When I worked at the universities, it's. Universities are technically non profits. We all laugh at that because we know that they are very much in their profit making business. But they're all nonprofits. There's a website you can go to where you can find out all the 990 tax returns of all nonprofits in the United States. And so I could find out all 990s list the top 5 to 20 highest paid people at the particular nonprofits. You can find out what your preacher makes. You can find out what people lead these things. So I got on there one time when I was working really hard. 24, 7, 365. I just want to see what people made. And I found out what my boss made. Dude, I got so mad because I think it was double or maybe triple what I was making. And I was working 365 days a year. 24 subs.

[Harvey]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then out of the blue, he calls me and he's like, hey, I see something special in you. I want you to start coming to meetings with me because you need to learn how these meetings work. You need to learn how to speak cfo, how to speak president, how to start speak board of trustee member. I want you to see this stuff in live, but you gotta sit in the back of the room, you're not gonna say anything. And it was about three to four weeks in of doing this, I just started going to meetings with him. And I'd be quiet and not say anything. And I remember thinking on the way home one day, oh, God, he earns this money. Because I was doing. I was busy 24, seven doing tasks. He was under the squat rack. The whole thing rested on his shoulders.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he got paid for that weight.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And so what you're figuring out at 27 years old is like, these guys are like, you're gonna be a leader someday. And you're like, yahoo. And you're gonna make this kind of money. And you're like, yeah. And now you're learning. Oh, God, these people get paid for the weight they carry. Oh, yeah, right. And you're figuring out in real time why men die sooner than women do.

[Kelly]

Oh, yeah. I've had that conversation with my wife. I'm like, man, I am sleeping like five hours a day maybe. And I am. I am understanding. You know what? This is going to be for the rest of my life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. That's where I'm calling bull crap. Though from this point forward, it will be a choice you make.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You don't have to live this life.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

On multiple fronts. Here's front, number one. You can just quit. You've made a whole bunch of money as a 27 year old. You can go, quote, unquote, follow your passion, which I think is a terrible idea. But you can go do a thing that you want to do. Okay.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Go knock your lights out. The second thing is you can do nothing. You can keep doing this, and it will. You'll increasingly seek novelty from your wife and it'll be tough to come by. Y'all have a kid. Try to solve it that way. You'll become one of those little league dads who goes. Who's on the phone yelling at construction deals while you're watching a little league game. Like, you'll be that guy.

[Kelly]

Fine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you'll have a humongous jacked up truck because you think that will bring you peace.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. Or. Or you can become the, what I'm considering, like the greatest flex on earth right now. And that is a leader. Let me put it this way. That same man who told me about the. Hey, I want you to start coming to these meetings with me. You know what he did one time? It was amazing. We are. We are having a. He had just started at this university and we were having a big Debate. There was five of us in a room and we were fighting and fighting and fighting. I think this, I think you're wrong. I think the President's going to say this. Going around the round, round, it got to be 5:00, 5 00. I had never left work before 6 or 6:30 ever in my career. And he's still talking, he's engaged in the fight. But he gets up and he goes over to his desk and he grabs his laptop and puts it in his bag and he's still hot. Like we're all kind of hot. It's kind of a testy meeting. And the other four of us are sitting in the chairs in his office and he puts on his coat and he grabs his bag and he grabs a hat. He always had a hat. And he started walking out and the room got kind of quiet, like, where are you going? And he smiled and he caught it. He's like, oh. And he had just started working at the university. He's like, y'all don't know me that well. I'm sorry. He goes, I love you guys. And then he pointed out the door and he goes, but I love them way more. Y'all knock the lights out when you come and we'll finish this tomorrow. And he walked out the door. And here's what that gave me. That was not a sense of, oh, I guess he's not invested. That gave me, as a young professional, a picture of, oh, that's why he's so good at work, because he's that intentional about being good at home.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you make choices. I am going to turn this off. I am going to go see a counselor because I'm 27. I've never carried this kind of weight before. I'm going to keep a journal. I'm going to have an exercise program. I'm going to meet with a group of men at 6 o'clock over down the street at one of these rad breakfast places here in Nashville. I'm going to do that. I'm going to start it right now. I'm going to start leaning on a group of men. I'm going to be able to say, hey, I'm scared. I'm nervous about interest rates, the stuff slowing down. You guys having supply chain issues. Like, I have to have a group of men I can talk to. Right. Because you don't have a lot of 27 year olds you can talk to right now, do you?

[Kelly]

I don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're at that. You're at that Weird spot where you have separated from your. Your homeboys, but you aren't 42.

[Harvey]

Agreed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you're bloody lonely, aren't you?

[Kelly]

I would say with the work thing, yes. I've really tried to dive into church groups, and I have a group tonight and a group Wednesday with just men that get together. And we do talk about it, but hold on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There have to be guys you can be honest with.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it takes a special church group for that. Most guys go to church groups and they're so lame, or they are wearing their performance pants, or they're just there because their wives want them to go.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have to have a table where you sit and you go. And if you don't have that, you can go to 500 different groups, and you're going to be lonely at a crowded table surrounded by people that like you.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

I think so.

[Harvey]

I would.

[Kelly]

I would say that I do have the opportunity to meet with men that were pretty honest. And we. We dropped some pretty heavy stuff together.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good.

[Kelly]

I think what I struggle with now, too, is like, man, I'm trying to talk to these people about. Or laying it all on the table. Like, I'm scared. I don't know if this is something that I can handle. I don't know if this is something that I can do forever. And I'm hoping that the feeling goes away, but it hasn't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You probably haven't blown something up yet.

[Kelly]

It's true.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's only after you blow something up and you realize the world doesn't end.

[Kelly]

That's probably true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're still trying not to make a mistake.

[Harvey]

Mm.

[Kelly]

That's probably. Definitely part of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I want to rest you, or I want you to rest assured you will make a mistake, a big one, and you'll be embarrassed, and you'll get called on the carpet, and people will yell at you, and you'll cost people a whole bunch of money. And if you put the time in right now, you'll go home, and your wife will be a safe place for you to go home to. Your kids will still be happy that dad's home. You can't add the additional pressure of all the stuff you're carrying and you're carrying a lot. Carrying a lot. And by the way, signature, all that, that's just drama. Don't do that to yourself. You know, my signature is worth right now. That's like me walking around being like, you know, I could send a message out to millions right now. I could like, yeah, I'm not Going to. It just. That just becomes me making drama in my own head. It's overinflating myself. I don't need any overinflation. You get what I'm saying?

[Harvey]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So walking. Be like, do you know what my signature is worth? Not very much. If that's the way I see the world, like, it's going to go away.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if you try to add the additional, like, I gotta be perfect at this thing, man. That's what's going to bury you.

[Kelly]

I think that's definitely where I'm struggling right now. Like, I haven't even thought of it that way. But, I mean, up until this point in my career, like, I haven't had one of those detrimental things happen yet. And so I'm trying to be a good steward to a company that trusts me and I don't want to screw up. So I think that is part of what's burying me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Would that company have hired you if they didn't think you were capable of it?

[Kelly]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So in the moments that you doubt yourself, at least trust them that they would not have put somebody in charge of all of this money and resource and time if they didn't believe in that guy.

[Harvey]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All of us have seasons of doubt. I have them all the time, too. But I want you to really focus on who you are outside of this job. And I tell people all the time, like, my personal friends, they know this. This job would have buried me had I got it when I was 30, because I would have got so caught up. And I got to a point where I. I was actively working every day of my life to not be a part of this thing. And only then did it happen, which allowed me to hold it really, really loosely, which allowed me to say that extra thing and be fully myself. And that allowed me to actually help people. And so what your company hired is you. And if you can show up and tell the truth at work. I don't think this is a good deal, guys.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or I. I'll go along with it and I'll sign away this thing. But I think the winds of construction slowdown is coming or whatever things you wrestle with.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I think so. I'll sign it. But I'm. I'm relying on you four guys because I don't. That's you just being honest and you being you. You being you. You being authentic. And I know that word gets beat up all the time, but I'm just going to tell the truth.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it relieves that pressure. And on the backside. Do you and your wife owe anybody.

[Kelly]

Anything outside of the home and cars?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now, okay, number one, don't be an idiot. Don't take out loans on depreciating assets. You're too smart for that. Pay off your cars today. Can you do afford to do that?

[Kelly]

I can't afford to do it today.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Make that number one priority. Pay off your depreciating assets. They're losing money every second they're around and you're still paying the same. Okay. That's number one. Number two, I want you and your wife to sit down and strongly consider. And this is going to go against all the bro wisdom. Okay. All the tick tock bro wisdom and all the big truck like, yeah, dude, it's gonna go against all that. There is something deep and profound when you go to work every day and you know they cannot take my house.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you can invest money. You can like, dude, I'm gonna put some stocks. I heard the apples. You can do all that crap. You can speculate on land. You can do all that stupid stuff. It's fine.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you want to be able to get under the squat rack that is senior executive leadership and hold. Get under that weight of running the company, of being a senior leader and know if something goes completely belly up, they can't take my house because it's mine. I go get a job at supermarket and pay the taxes on. I'm gonna be fine.

[Harvey]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it gives you. Like right now your brain would be failing you if it let you sleep all night.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because it knows one wrong step and maybe they're gonna take our house. Maybe they're. I'm married now. They're gonna take my wife's like. Right? You see what I'm saying? Like your nervous system knows.

[Harvey]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Kelly]

That's definitely. That's definitely what keeps me up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I want to begin to solve for peace.

[Harvey]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Not for financial gain enough for maximum profit. I'm gonna do the spread. Be the one weirdo dude that solves for peace.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just all for peace. And in your, in your industry, you know who I want building my buildings? The construction dude that is not walking around flexing with. With jeans so tight that it's kind of uncomfortable. And you know the guy I'm talking about?

[Harvey]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's got real tight jeans and boots and his truck is $133,000. I'm not impressed by that at all. When it comes to construction project.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not. And so I would tell you, get out of that world. Stay in the world. You make a real difference in my community. I'm grateful you're here.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I want you to have peace in your house and talk to your wife. And say, what if in three years, we didn't owe anybody anything? We paid off our house. It was small. We lived over in Creve hall instead of in Oak Hills or whatever. Like, we just decided to pay off our house.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And we're gonna just drive regular cars.

[Harvey]

Mm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then nobody can take anything. That's just solving for peace. That's non anxious.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what I want you to do. I'm gonna hook you up with something. Okay. It's gonna sound kind of weird, but I'm gonna hook you up. I don't think anything's wrong with you. In fact, I think you are. You are exactly where you need to be. But I also think you've got a bunch of voices. Is that fair? Speaking at you?

[Harvey]

Yes. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You got your old buddies, your college buddies. They're still like, yeah, bro, dude. And you got all the news and all the bank speculators, and you got all the old dogs in the construction industry. You got everybody yapping at you. And you got your church friends, yada, yada, yada. Okay, here's what I'm gonna do.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna hook you up, but I want you to use it. Okay.

[Kelly]

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want to hook you up with three months for free with BetterHelp.

[Harvey]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Kelly]

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to get online and tell them the exact same thing you told me. I'm 27 years old. I worked really hard, I'm pretty smart, and nobody outworks. Outworks me. And now suddenly, I found myself at the head of a pretty large construction company in Nashville, Tennessee, where there's gangbusters construction going on, and suddenly I can't breathe.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I don't want you to commit to it. And I would tell you to go get a counselor. Go find somebody you can talk to. I asked Kelly to pull the data. It's about a 48 day wait period right now.

[Harvey]

All right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They'll be hard. So I'm going to hook it up, and you don't have to, like, sneak into a counselor's office in Nashville. You can do it. You can do it from your phone, you can do it from your laptop, wherever you happen to be. And you got hot spots. All you guys have hot spots in your trucks. You can do it from your truck. Okay.

[Harvey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Harvey]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, hang on the line. I'm gonna hook you up with the better help guys, and I want you to actually use it. Okay? And I'm here in Nashville. Come by and see me anytime. Dude, I'd love to hang out with you and grab a cup of coffee here in the lobby. That'd be awesome for everybody listening. Harvey's not crazy. In fact, he's exactly where he should be. Here's what's happening. He thought this was going to feel different. When I get to be a leader, when I get to be making this much money, when I get to. When I get to. When I get to. And suddenly you realize, this is heavy. It's hard. It's scary. Leadership is hard. It would. They talk about it in school. Like, it's like, become a leader, dude. Leadership's hard. A lot is expected of you. Being a boss is hard. Having a signature that can sign for millions of dollars, it's hard. And people don't talk about that. And you're not allowed to because somehow you're supposed to be so grateful and so lucky, which you are. But, man, it's hard. It's scary. And especially you can't go to, like, tell your buddy, I think you need to go see a counselor. I'm newlywed. I don't know how to do this. I'm breaking away from my college friends. I'm breaking away from my. From my parents. I am making all these changes. Therapy is a great place to sit down and do that. And like I said, there's like a over a month, month and a half waitlist across the country right now. I think, what, 40 or 50% of mental health professionals have some sort of wait list right now. It's tough. That's why I'm telling you guys. People ask me all the time, why are you always talking about better help? Why are you talking about better help? You say you go to a therapist. Yes. If you can go to a trauma therapist. If you can go to somebody in person, go, go. But so many people are trying to make a phone call, man, and it's hard to get in. It's hard to get in. It's hard to get in. And the Better help folks will show up for you, man, within 24, 48 hours, they will be back in touch. Okay, so call my friends at BetterHelp. Sounds like a BetterHelp commercial here. Call them. Call them. They'll see you right away. You can go to betterhelp.com DeLoney and they'll hook you up with, I think it's 10 or 20% discount. 10% discount for the first month. 10. Go give them a call. Betterhelp.com DeLoney go check it out. But any type of transition. Here's what I'm seeing with Harvey. The guys like Harvey, who are amazing young talents, they're quitting. They're quitting under the guise of I gotta follow my passion or they're quitting I don't love my work. They're quitting under the guise of I'm trying, I can't find balance. All of those things are. Myths are all bull crap. They're all like 10 years old. Those aren't real things. When you're in your late 20s and you are building something, a career, trust, a skill set, you just work a lot. I want Everybody in their 20s. Work like B, A, N, A, N, A s. Work like crazy, like you will. You will draft off that. In your 30s and 40s and 50s, work really, really, really hard. And it comes with a lot of grief and a lot of weight and a lot of heaviness and a lot of, I don't know how to do this, and what if I mess this all up? It is awesome to have somebody to talk to. Call my friends at BetterHelp. Go see somebody. Get a group of men that you trust that you can be honest with and not just say it out loud. But we'll give you some skills to practice. And then ask your wife, what kind of life do we want to build together? What kind of world do we want to create? And don't box yourself into either or conversations. Give yourself three or four or five options. You're the man, Harvey. I'm proud of you. You're building the neighborhoods in the community that my kids are going to grow up in. And I'm grateful for you, my man. I want you to do the work that you need to do right now in your late twenties so that you can be, well, weather the storms and be a builder, a construction guy of integrity. We need more, more, more men and women like you. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. All right. I'm a founding and the only member of the get off the Internet and go outside club. And yet, I, like all of you, find myself at work and in my personal life, basically living on the Internets these days. And as a society, we're creating more and more online accounts all of the time. We're signing up for promos, giving away our emails and personal numbers. We're Buying everything with our phones. And listen, I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, business accounts. Every business wants to survey me now and become my friend. And everyone everywhere is trying to sell me all kinds of stuff. It drives me nuts. And I know it drives you nuts too. And with all of our online activity, do we really know where our data is and who has it? Chances are high that data broker websites have your information, and they're selling it to scammers, spammers, and other shady people. But when you use Delete Me, they find and remove your data from hundreds of data broker sites, and they send you reports throughout the year to show you exactly what they removed and from where. And now I'm getting way fewer of those spammy texts and phone calls, which allow me to let my guard down a little bit and feel peace this holiday season. Share the peace by giving a delete Me subscription to someone you love. Individual Delete me plans start as low as nine bucks a month. Go to joindelete me.com DeLoney today for 20% off. That's joindelete me.comDeloney. all right, we're back. Kelly, am I the problem? Are you the problem?

[Rachel Cruz]

Probably both.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Probably you.

[Rachel Cruz]

We're not being honest.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Probably you.

[Rachel Cruz]

Probably you. All right, so this is from. She asked to remain anonymous.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, okay. Let's. Let's call her Kelly.

[Rachel Cruz]

Sure, why not? Am I the problem for what? First of all, I would never sit in this, so we know it won't be me. Am I the problem for wanting to stick to my special diet when my husband and I are traveling?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, so me when we're traveling.

[Rachel Cruz]

Not you when we're traveling. All bets off.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Not Kelly. Yeah. Do we know anybody with discipline who's like.

[Rachel Cruz]

We won't call her John?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no, no.

[Rachel Cruz]

We'll call her Stacy just for giggles.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Her mom's got it going on.

[Rachel Cruz]

That's what I hear. Yep. All right. Several years ago, I switched to a special diet for health reasons. Prior to this, my husband of 15 years and I ate pretty much the same way. Everything in moderation. He's never been wild about my new diet, but he's become more accepting of it at home. As long as I prepare my own food and don't expect the rest of the family to eat the same. The problem is when we travel, since most restaurants don't have much food that I can eat, I like to bring a cooler of food with me as well as my blender so I can make my usual smoothies. My husband complains that this is too extreme and ends up inconveniencing everyone else and making it. So the trip revolves around my diet. He thinks I should just make do with whatever I can find on the menu and. Or be flexible and just eat whatever they have out of respect for everyone else. Normally, I would agree with him, but I feel noticeably worse when I don't stick to my diet, Especially after we return home to the stress of daily life. Am I the problem for wanting to do whatever it takes to stick to my diet? Or is my husband right that I need to be more flexible?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Geez, that's a tough one. All right, here is my. Let me say it like this. There are people who eat a certain way, and a part of the appeal of eating a certain way is because I just feel amazing, right? I feel great. And there are some people that eat specialized ways as an act of theater. It's a way they enter and exit a room, enter and exit a party. It's their. It's their reason for. It's their way to get the world to move around them. And I'm saying this as lovingly as I can, but if you're listening, you either know somebody like that or it's you. Okay? So in my house, I don't like to talk about diet and all that. Like, I eat very, very few. I almost never eat bread, okay? Unless my wife makes this rad sourdough stuff, I just don't eat. I don't eat hamburger buns. I don't eat whatever. So when she makes her fancy lasagna, and my wife is like, greatest cook on the planet. She just. We've been together for 25 years. She will make part of that lasagna that's just meat and vegetables and stuff, and she won't put the stuff in there. And it's no skin off her back. And in fact, there's no drama about it. She just doesn't. It's just a way she cooks it now, and I don't throw a fit about it. And back before, I would just get the lasagna and I would pick the noodles out of it. And so it was. It was a low key. I feel better. I don't snore. I. My clothes fit better and cool. And she wanted to be a part of that. And so we all have people in our life that, okay, I don't eat gluten. It's all good. I'm fine. Don't worry. It's all good, right? And then we all know the. I don't Eat Glutens. And so like, we all know that person or my daughter, if she eats a peanut, she dies. And so I look at labels now, but it's her that would die, not everyone else. And so if everyone else is doing a thing, it's our job to opt out, not to force our will on the world. I say all that to say this. I have to believe that if she feels noticeably better and she is her best version of herself, her husband would fully enjoy that. If there wasn't the theater of going into a Burger King or an Arby's with a bowl of fresh fruit. And do you have any non organic, like.

[Rachel Cruz]

And don't forget the blender.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And a blender. And like, come on. Right. And so that's where I think there's this is. There's like a both and to this thing. Like if, if you have diets that like, if you're allergic to foods, you don't feel good. Yes. It's your job to plan ahead. So good on you. Can you mix them before you go and put them in a cooler and just take them in. In a straw or put them in a. In a Stanley cup? Like, can you do that just to be inconspicuous or do you have your own Just walking into like a Chili's with a, with a cooler and be like, you know, where it's a plug and making a, like a shake at while the. Well, the awesome Blossom is on the way. Like, is awesome Blossom even Chili's?

[Rachel Cruz]

No, but that's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that Applebee's?

[Rachel Cruz]

No, I think it's Outback.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Isn't it awesome boss?

[Rachel Cruz]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They're all the same. They're all the same.

[Rachel Cruz]

Pretty much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's a blooming onion. It's all the same restaurant.

[Rachel Cruz]

Where does awesome Blossom come from? Yeah, that's somewhere Outback Chili's. Oh, it is Chili's there. Look at you. You do know your craptacular restaurants.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There is a Chili's Mafia and they're coming for you, sister. I made a joke about Chili's.

[Rachel Cruz]

Rachel Cruz is one of those. So I will hear about that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She loves Chili's.

[Rachel Cruz]

Loves it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Rachel. Yep.

[Rachel Cruz]

Especially at an airport. Anyway, continue.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So anyway, I think there's some both end here. If you have somebody that you love and they legitimately have some dietary needs, be compassionate and kind and go the extra. Go the extra mile. And if you make some choices about dietary needs, minimize the theater. Not everybody needs to know, do your thing, feel great and go on about your life. Like both things can be true. Is that fair?

[Rachel Cruz]

100.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thank God.

[Rachel Cruz]

I gotta say, I know those people.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, if somebody just rolls into an Arby's with a blender and like a. Just hashtag, just saying, do your thing, dude. Listen, I know if some people have glutens, it makes them really sick. A beef and cheddar or two can cure most anything you've got. I love these marvies.

[Anna]

I'm.

[Rachel Cruz]

I'm fine with it, too, but I don't think it's going to cure a lot of things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, they got the meats, Kelly. Love you guys. Bye.