My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me

Summary

The Dr. John DeLoney Show: "My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me" – Episode Summary

In this compelling episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, hosted by the Ramsey Network, Dr. John DeLoney tackles severe relationship and mental health challenges through heartfelt conversations with callers. The episode titled "My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me," released on May 7, 2025, delves deep into personal struggles, offering insightful advice and practical resources to navigate turbulent times.

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1. Elizabeth’s Harrowing Experience

Background: Elizabeth shares a distressing account of her rapidly evolving marriage and subsequent domestic violence. Meeting her husband in February 2023, they married in November and discovered she was pregnant in December. Now, with a seven-month-old son, their relationship has become tumultuous.

The Incident: Elizabeth recounts a violent altercation that led to her husband’s arrest for aggravated assault. She describes the escalation of a typical argument into physical abuse:

"He had pushed me back onto the couch and he had put his hands around my neck."
[02:22] Elizabeth

During the confrontation, Elizabeth took away her husband's gaming headset in an attempt to resolve the conflict, which she acknowledges might have been the catalyst for his aggressive behavior.

Dr. John’s Response: Dr. John emphasizes the gravity of the situation, distinguishing between normal marital disagreements and criminal actions:

"What you did was bratty. What he did was a crime."
[12:05] Dr. John DeLoney

He condemns the misuse of a child as leverage in conflicts and highlights the necessity of ensuring personal and familial safety.

Advice and Resources: Dr. John provides Elizabeth with a multifaceted support plan:

• Safety First: Encourages developing a safety plan to protect herself and her child.
• Educational Resources: Recommends Ken Coleman’s book and an assessment tool to explore career opportunities beyond the current turmoil.
• Financial Stability: Offers access to Financial Peace University to empower her with financial knowledge.
• Budgeting Tools: Introduces the EveryDollar app to help her achieve economic independence.
• Mental Well-being: Suggests reading Building a Non-Anxious Life to foster emotional resilience.

"I'm so glad that you're in counseling. Please continue to go."
[22:32] Dr. John DeLoney

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2. Allison’s Quest to Balance Fun Parenting

Background: Allison reaches out from Columbus, Ohio, seeking guidance on becoming a more engaging and fun parent while maintaining her role as a disciplinarian. Married to a creative and highly interactive husband, Allison feels she struggles to relax and connect with her children on a playful level.

Her Challenge: Despite implementing strategies like biweekly breakfast dates and reading children’s books, Allison experiences physical and emotional barriers that hinder her ability to be the "fun" parent her kids gravitate towards.

"I feel like my body is just pulling me away and just shutting down."
[28:13] Allison

Dr. John’s Response: Dr. John commends Allison’s self-awareness and encourages her to infuse intentional silliness into her interactions with her children:

"We’re going to throw spaghettios on each other in the backyard. I don't know what you're gonna do, but just decide. We're gonna be silly."
[36:29] Dr. John DeLoney

He advises scheduling playful activities, even if they feel awkward at first, to gradually shift her mindset and bodily responses towards relaxation and fun.

Practical Strategies:

• Scheduled Silliness: Plan specific times for unconventional and playful activities.
• Sharing the Mental Load: Encourage her husband to take on more organizational responsibilities, freeing her to engage more creatively.
• Embracing Imperfection: Allow herself to be imperfect and enjoy the spontaneity of being playful without overthinking.

"You're awesome. You're harvesting all that work and introspection."
[29:36] Dr. John DeLoney

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3. Dwayne’s Struggle with Family Dynamics and Career

Background: Dwayne from St. Louis contacts the show expressing frustration over volatile family dynamics and the feeling that their life’s vision is derailing. Working as a specialty welder, he spends approximately ten months a year traveling, homeschooling his children in an RV, which adds layers of complexity to his family life.

Challenges Faced: Dwayne outlines several hardships, including the tragic suicide of his father-in-law on their property, his eldest child’s autism diagnosis, and the impact of his frequent absences on his family's cohesion. He grapples with balancing financial obligations, such as medical and therapy bills, while trying to maintain meaningful relationships with his children.

"I just feel like I just can't figure out how to map our life out to get out of what I consider a bad rut."
[45:05] Dwayne

Dr. John’s Response: Dr. John acknowledges the enormity of Dwayne’s sacrifices and encourages him to reassess priorities alongside his wife:

"You have to choose your hard. I'm gonna choose to drive home every other weekend, 10 months out of the year to see my boys."
[59:15] Dr. John DeLoney

He emphasizes the importance of open communication and making conscious choices that align with the family's well-being, even if they involve difficult decisions.

Guidance and Solutions:

• Open Dialogue: Engage in honest conversations with his wife about their shared goals and the sacrifices needed to achieve them.
• Financial Planning: Utilize available resources and possibly restructure financial strategies to alleviate stress related to bills and savings.
• Emotional Support: Seek consistent therapy for both himself and his wife to navigate grief, stress, and the challenges of parenting children with special needs.
• Flexibility in Lifestyle: Consider adjustments to their traveling schedule to foster a more stable home environment when possible.

"Start to map it out. Thank you, my brother. It's been an absolute honor to talk to you."
[59:44] Dr. John DeLoney

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Key Takeaways and Insights

1. Distinguishing Conflict from Abuse:

   • Recognizing the difference between normal marital disagreements and abusive behavior is crucial. While arguments are natural, physical violence and intimidation are unacceptable and criminal.

2. Intentional Parenting:

   • Balancing discipline with playfulness requires self-awareness and proactive strategies. Scheduling playful activities can help parents like Allison become more engaged and less stressed.

3. Prioritizing Family Over Career:

   • Dwayne’s story underscores the importance of evaluating career choices in the context of family well-being. Making deliberate choices to spend quality time with children can have long-term positive effects on family dynamics.

4. Utilizing Resources:

   • Accessing financial education, budgeting tools, and mental health resources can empower individuals to take control of their personal and familial situations.

5. Communication is Key:

   • Open and honest communication between partners is essential in navigating complex family and personal challenges. It facilitates mutual understanding and collaborative problem-solving.

6. Self-Care and Support Systems:

   • Engaging in counseling and building support networks are vital for individuals facing emotional and psychological stress. These resources provide the necessary tools to cope and thrive.

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This episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show offers profound insights into handling severe relationship crises, enhancing parenting strategies, and balancing personal and professional life. Dr. John's empathetic approach and practical advice serve as a beacon of hope and guidance for listeners navigating similar challenges.

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up? What's up? Listen, me and Dave Ramsey are hitting the road and coming to a city near you, bringing our shows about life, money, and relationships to your town. It's almost here, so don't wait. Grab your tickets for this amazing [e-mail] tour.

[Elizabeth]

We had an argument Friday, and it escalated, and there was some physical abuse, I guess you would say. He had pushed me back onto the couch and he had put his hands around my neck.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or let me put it this way. What you did was bratty. What you did was annoying. What he did was a crime. Yo, yo, what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. So glad that you are with us, talking about your mental and emotional health and your marriages and your kids and your relationships, whatever else you got going on in your life, so glad that you're here. So glad that you're here. If you want to be on the show, if you got some stuff going on in your life, here's my promise. I'll sit with you, pull up a seat, Pull up a. Pull up a stool, and we'll have a drink, grab some nachos, and we'll figure out what's the next right move in your life. Go to John Deloney. D, E, L, O, N Y. Go to john deloney.com. ask a S-K and you can type away. Fill in the form and maybe even chat. GPT will write it for you. You can put in the form and ship it off, and then we'll give you a buzz and have you on the show. And yes, I get calls. I mean, I get direct messages. We take calls from all over the planet. So if you're in some other country somewhere, I'm glad that you're in our gang and glad that you're with us, and I'd love to have you on. All right, let's go. Let's go down the road a couple hours to Knoxville, Tennessee, and talk to Elizabeth. Hey, Elizabeth. What's up?

[Elizabeth]

Hey, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good, lady. What's up, man?

[Elizabeth]

So it's kind of a difficult thing to talk about, so excuse me if I get emotional.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, listen, you are. You. You can get as emotional as you want, go slow as you want, and only say what you want it to. Okay?

[Elizabeth]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Same team.

[Elizabeth]

So I'll just give some backstory. Me and my husband met in 2023, in February. We got married in November. We found out we were having a baby in December. So fast forward. Our son Is now seven months old, and it's been really rocky. We had an argument Friday, and it escalated, and there was some physical abuse, I guess you would say. He was charged with aggravated assault against me and is now in jail. And I'm on toward between, like, leaving or staying. Like, I feel guilty. I feel like I'm kind of ruining his loss. So I don't really know where to go for what to do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm sorry.

[Elizabeth]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's not how this supposed to go.

[Elizabeth]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So let me. Let me make sure. I'm gonna. I'm gonna read back to you what I got in my mind to make sure I'm hearing you right. Okay.

[Dwayne]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You met this guy a couple years ago. Y'all fell in love pretty hard, pretty fast. How old are you?

[Elizabeth]

We're about 25.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So still kind of young, but you're going for it. Y'all got married, and then I guess y'all. You got pregnant on your honeymoon and.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Then you have a seven month old, and since you've been married, your husband's. I didn't get the game. He's playing too much. Playing video games all the time. Tell me more about that.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, it was. So he struggled really hard, like when I first had my son. So he become really distant to the point where he would pull all niners playing a video game he would go to work on. No sleep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or he just ignore you guys? No helping with the bottles open with the diapers, bedtimes, nothing.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. My son was nearly three months old, and he hadn't even washed a bottle yet. He would watch him, but he would, like, lay him in the bassinet beside him and, like, put his headphones on and just kind of listen for him to cry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

O God. So did he do this before the baby was born or while you were pregnant?

[Elizabeth]

He. He played games. He's played games the whole time I've known him, but it wasn't to this extent.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Elizabeth]

So it just kind of got worse.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So tell me. Tell me what happened the night it escalated.

[Elizabeth]

So earlier that night, he wanted to have sex and declined. And so we kind of got arguing about that, and then he went to play his game.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How did the argument go?

[Elizabeth]

It was like he was. I was. We were actually laying down to watch movie, and I was falling asleep, and he was, like, trying to wake me up to have sex, and I told. I got aggravated. I told him, like, I'm trying to fall asleep, like, I've been working, like, I want to get some rest. And he's like, you know, well, you told me like I could wake you up sometime and be spontaneous. And I was like, yeah, like after I've had stress, not like when I'm falling asleep. And it just kind of turned into like, I don't know, he started making me feel like I don't care about him. And, and it was like, like I was going back on my word or something and it was like a big misunderstanding that way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So then he gets up, he's throwing like a major league two year old tantrum, but he's in a 25 year old man's body. And then he gets up to go play his video games.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. So right after the argument, I went outside to like just breathe because our arguments have escalated and I'm just kind of, I just kind of exit and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm like, are you cursing at each other? You swear? I mean, y'all pushing each other. Yeah. What's, what's. Give me an example of a fight.

[Elizabeth]

So there'll be a lot of, a lot of yelling, a lot of cursing. It's not always physical like it has been before, but not to this extent.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Paint me a picture of physical. Like, what does that look like?

[Elizabeth]

Like there was an argument where he had taken our son right before I was about to shower with him and was like trying to get me to talk to him. Like he was using my kid. He knew I was about to getting like bathe my son and I'm trying to grab my kid and he's like pushing me, like push me back and like we're just arguing over it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so, so let me paint this picture because I'm asking these questions on purpose because I'm getting to, I'm, I'm walking along a path that I don't normally walk with a caller. So that's why I'm being a little bit more specific than I usually am. Okay. I'm not just being nosy. I'm actually, I'm going somewhere. Okay. Um. Okay, so I'm painting a picture or you're painting a picture of me of a mom who doesn't have any clothes on, who's getting into the shower carrying her newborn. He grabs the baby, you're standing in and half in and half out of the shower, you don't have any clothes on. And he's shoving you, saying you're going to come talk to me.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. He had carried the child into his bedroom or carried our child into the bedroom. And he's like, well, I'm going to change the stopper And I'm like, look, I'm taking this stopper off the shower. And then it's like. And he later admitted that he was using our son.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, but there's a particular, there's a particular. And the reason, the picture of this moment, and I know it's a little bit of a graphic moment. I don't want all of these people who listen to the show, I'm not trying to imagine who you are and you naked in the shower. That's not the point. The point here is there's a very particular kind of man who will go after a woman in extreme levels of vulnerability and a woman who is unclothed, holding her baby or trying to get her baby in a unsafe, slippery, unsafe situation shower. And a guy that will, will use that moment to exert some kind of power or that will take a kid and use that kid. Right. Weaponize their baby. That's a different level of degenerate in my book.

[Allison]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You see what I'm saying? That's different than couples who fight, couples who yell like, we'll get through that kind of stuff. But this, I'm just trying to you to, I'm trying to get you through action to paint me a picture of how this guy responds over and over again. And that's a very particular type of cruel, very immature man.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, it gets really confusing because there's sometimes where like right before the, the aggravated assault charge, like I would come to him with something and he would be really calm and I'm like, so now I'm just confused.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, it's when he doesn't get what he wants, he goes to a T. He instantly becomes a toddler. And if he feels powerful like you saying, hey, can you help me with this? Or do you have an answer for me? And he's got a utility then that feeds his ego. But the moment he doesn't get what he wants and you're an object for him, the moment that you don't fulfill his fill in the blank, his ego, his sexual need, his whatever, doesn't matter if you're exhausted, doesn't matter if you're working a full time job and a hundred percent of this child care of your new baby is on you. And he's been playing video games all day. I don't really care. I don't have sex right now. And one time or two times we were talking about spontaneousness, especially after we're. You've been pregnant for half your marriage and you've had a baby for the other half like, of course sex lives get screwed up then, right? And you talk about spontaneous and how do we practice desire, all that fun stuff. He's like, yeah, one day, just wake me up, man. Let's just, like, do it in the middle of the night. That's all cool and well and good, but then my wife's exhausted, and I'm like, no, you said. You get what I'm saying? Like, yeah, that's. That's. That's using your words. That's using a conversation, and there's a difference when in the middle of the night, one of you gets up to go to the bathroom, you lay back down, your feet accidentally touch, then your fingers accidentally touch, and then you kind of feel like, oh, you're more awake than I thought. And then it kind of happens, right? That's. That's a different thing. And so I think that's kind of what I had. Of course. Of course. You know why? Because you're like, you're a regular. You're a normal person. It wasn't. Hey, you have unfettered access to my body, whether I'm sick, I'm exhausted. I've been taking care of our finances and our baby while you've been playing video games all night. Like, of course that's what you meant in any rational person in the world would know that. Okay, so walk me through the last little minute, y'all. He wants to have sex. He's trying to wake you up, and you say, no, I'm going to bed. He gets pissed. Y'all are screaming, yell, and cussing at each other. He throws a temper tantrum, gets up and leaves the bedroom to go play a video game. Then what happened?

[Elizabeth]

So, well, after I went outside and come back in, he kind of, like, disappeared. I didn't know where he went. And then I seen, like, he had turned the game on, because I can. Our apartment is, like, pretty small, so I can see into the living room from our bedroom. And so I noticed he's on the game, and I don't want to. Probably shouldn't have done. And I went in there, and I took his headset off, and I'm, like, telling him, like. Like, if I can't go to bed, like, you can't play the game. And then he, like. I got those words out, and that was, like, it. He had pushed me back onto the couch, and he had put his hands around my neck, and it didn't feel like it was in the way to, like, keep me from breathing, but almost, like, to scare me because I Also feel like he's not stupid, like he's not going to leave marks and anything like that. So it was that. But that's what I had done. And like, I mean, I don't know. I know that I shouldn't have done that, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but there's, there's a. So here's what I'll say. Fine, yeah, you probably shouldn't have done that. And that doesn't justify the response in any shape, form, or fashion, or let me put it this way. What you did was bratty. What you did was annoying. What he did was psycho. What he did was a crime. Do you get the difference?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And all of us, you, me, everybody gets bratty, gets annoying, gets crummy during a fight. Every once in a while that happens. And that's why repair, like coming back together after a fight. That's why that's such an important skill for all relationships. We say dumb things, we do something dumb, like I step outside, then I act Brady or what, whatever the thing is. But we don't commit crimes of violence. And so as you've painted this picture for me, and hopefully in my questions back to you, you're hearing me. I'm trying to be as calm as I can, but I want you to have heard the narrative you've given me. What I'm hearing is there's a guy that has shown you through his actions, he has absolutely no interest in his son. He's got no interest in his wife. He has one interest and one interest only, and that's. That's him. And clearly he's got some emotional and mental health challenges he's struggling with. Clearly. But I'm going to look at behavior not diagnostic here because I don't have that information. I never talk to him. And I don't care what your diagnostic is. You got to show up for your kids. You can't hide behind 24 hour video game sessions while your life is passing you by on the couch next to you. You cannot shove an exhausted naked wife trying to get her baby into the shower so she can give this little kid a bath. You can't do that. You can't use your son, your baby as a, as a, As a lure to get another adult to do what you want them to do out of fear of you're gonna hurt their kid. You don't take over some try to like, have wake somebody up who's collapsing from fatigue and exhaustion and demand sex and then blame them for not giving it to you. You don't shove a Woman down. Even if she's. You put your hands on. Even if, even if she pulls off your headset and said, if I can't do. If you're gonna wake me up and you can't play video games, that's silly. But you don't then respond by shoving her up on the furniture and then putting your hands around her neck, letting you know, I could kill you right now if I wanted to. So reading that back that way, and I know by the way, in 99.9% of these conversations, you're soft pedaling it for me, right?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, I think so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know you are. Okay. And I don't blame you and I honor that. I'm not going to push anymore. I can ask you any more personal questions, but just reading that back, like, if you were a close friend of mine, you were my sister, you were a co worker of mine. I'm. I'm looking at you and saying, what are you trying to salvage here? I mean, honestly, I don't know what I'm missing.

[Elizabeth]

I just, I think like, as far as, like, lawyers, like, everybody's telling me to leave, but then, like, I have like, my dad, like, my only close, like, person in my life, and he's Christian and it's, you know, like, oh, you can't get divorced.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, nonsense, nonsense, nonsense. What's he want, that guy? To kill you?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. I mean, and he just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nonsense.

[Elizabeth]

I don't know. I. I had this, like, picture. There it is like, I. I don't know. I know people, like, make mistakes. I don't know if I'm being naive. Like, I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, if you grew up a dad that weaponized scripture in that way, God knows what kind of stories you've been wrestling with about how your thoughts or feelings or whatever are all your fault.

[Allison]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth]

And in the last time I spoke with my husband, he said, you know, like, oh, I didn't grow up with, you know, like, I'm trying to be a good dad. I didn't grow up with a good role model. And, and it's like, I don't know. I'm stuck between sympathy and you can.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Be sympathetic too, but you're not gonna, you're not gonna, you're not gonna take my baby. You could be sympathetic, but you're not going to throw me to the ground and threaten to kill me. I know millions and millions of new dads who have no idea what to do next. And they don't do that, Elizabeth. They're trying. They're screwed up and they're goofy and they say dumb things and do dumb things and they try to hide on the golf course or video game. I get that. I get it. I totally get it. But hear me say this is out of the norm.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. What's. What's strange is we were. Sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, go ahead, go ahead.

[Elizabeth]

We were seeing a marriage counselor, and. And she would. She had known that it had been physical before. Like, before this happened. She was like. She's like, you know, I'm not going to tolerate that. But I want you guys to know, like, what you're dealing with is normal. And, like, he's repeated that back to me. I can't even tell you how many times. Like, this is normal. Like, what we're going through is normal. And I'm like, this is not. Like, something is wrong here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She said that her husband shoving around a new pregnant wife is normal.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. That.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's just she should have her license taken away. That's not normal. It's not okay. It's not right in any shape, form, or fashion. She should have her license stripped for her. Now she was saying, I will not tolerate you putting your hands on them. Every young couple, especially one that gets pregnant one month into their new marriage, is going to struggle with communication and figuring things out. And Dad's trying to check out, like, that's. That is normal. But if she's telling you, you just gotta, like, hey, some guys just shove their wives around. That's not true. I mean, that's true. That. That happens. That is not normal. It's not right. It's not good. It's not something you just deal with. Do you have a friend? Do you have a. I don't know, somebody you work with? They can let y'all crash.

[Elizabeth]

I think, like, maybe my babysitter. I thought about, like, staying where I'm at and getting, like, an order of protection out and maybe falling for emergency contact.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't know. I think that's very, very wise.

[Elizabeth]

The jail is literally, like, two streets over from where I live. So it's like, I don't. Like, I'm worried about him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Elizabeth]

I just walking over, like, we've talked, and he said, like, oh, I won't. Like, I understand if you don't want to be in the office and all of this. And he's agreed even to, like, divorce. That way I don't have to, like, pay for contested divorce.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But see, does he. I mean, it sounds like he doesn't want to be a dad or a husband.

[Elizabeth]

I mean, he says he does, but he says, like, he. That he. I don't know, that he just struggles.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth]

And I've, like. Like, I pay for his insurance, pay for all of our insurance, and we get free, like, therapy and stuff like that. And he's not downloaded the app or anything like that, so there's no well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And maybe I'm trying to find a silver lining with this guy. And again, I've never talked to him. I'd love to talk to him if he ever wants to call in. I. The. Maybe he knows I can't control myself. I'm gonna hurt somebody. You need to go. And if he's talking like that to you. I want to be a dad. I want to. Want to be a dad and a husband. I. I like the idea of that picture. I'm gonna hurt somebody. You need to go. And if that's what he's given you, I would not fight that. I would accept that.

[Elizabeth]

I think that's closer, like, what it is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, well, here's what I'm going to do for you. Okay. I can't do a whole ton. I'm so glad that you're in counseling. Please continue to go. I would. I want you to sit down with a counselor and tell the counselor you met with another mental health professional and that I told you to explicitly clarify. And this is you, part of you. And I know you've never been allowed to do this. So this is day one. I want you to throw your shoulders back and put your head up, put your chin out and look this therapist in the eye as equals. Y'all are both people just trying to do right in the world. And I want you to look the therapist in the eye and say, I had another mental health professional that I talked to told me to ask you directly when you said, this is totally normal and this is just part of being a newlywed with a new kid. Were you talking about communication challenges or were you talking about him shoving me to the ground? Put that person on the spot and get that clarity. Okay. My hope is this therapist was saying, I will not tolerate violence. I'll call it in. And everybody struggles with communication challenges, right? Yeah, that's my hope. If not, if the therapist was saying, no, no, no, everybody kind of shoves around each other a little bit. That's okay. Then I want to know, because I'm going to file on their license.

[Elizabeth]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So get that kind of clarity. If you get the clarity and it's what I'm saying, I'm hoping it is, then you can Continue to stay there. But I want you to get some very clear. I want to talk through what being safe looks like. What's a safety plan is the words we use in the biz. I want to develop a safety plan. Okay.

[Elizabeth]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's number one. Number two, here's a couple of things I'm going to give you. All right, I'm going to give you my buddy Ken Coleman's book. It also has an assessment in there for what kind of jobs, what kind of careers do I want and I want you to do take that assessment and read that book. It's really, really short and it might give you opportunities and ideas for life beyond just the factory. Okay.

[Allison]

Okay.

[Elizabeth]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm also going to send you Financial Peace University, all nine lessons. It's digital. You can watch them at home by yourself. And I'm guessing nobody ever taught you about money and how it works and taking care of it and how to save it and how to all that. I want you to do that and it's gonna I'm gift to you for free. And I just want you to watch those videos at home by yourself. And I want you to again to feel yourself standing up a little bit taller. You're going to have this insight, you're have knowledge, you're gonna have wisdom and you're gonna have a path. Okay. The third thing, I'm gonna send you the EveryDollar app for free for a year. The good one. Like the. Not the good one, but they're all good, but like the premium version. Okay.

[Elizabeth]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's going to be able to help you keep a budget and start really tracking this stuff. Okay. So you can start looking at what does economic independence look like. Okay.

[Elizabeth]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm also going to send you building a non anxious Life. If you're not a reader, that's totally cool. But it's me giving you here is what living a free life feels like and looks like. And there's a path out there for you too. Okay. When we come back, we're gonna talk to a woman who is struggling because her husband's the fun parent and she's been stuck on the other role. We'll be right back. All right, I'm gonna tell you the truth. Cutting corners with your physical fitness won't cut it. Whenever I try and just wing my workouts, when I don't have a plan or any specific goals, I end up skipping workouts. I make a lot of excuses, I cut my workout short. I don't really get anywhere and I hear from a lot of you and you all work the same way. If we want real progress towards our fitness goals, we need a plan. And TrainWell's got the plan for everyone. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step by step guidance from real people. Meaning it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both worlds. To get started, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey, you hop on a chat with an expert trainer to discuss your goals, and you both make a personalized plan together and then you get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them and changing them to help you get stronger and better. I use it, my wife uses it, Kelly uses it, some of my friends use it. Everybody's using train well workouts and it takes away our excuses and it's making working out better, better and easier. If you're ready to start taking control of your physical health, get online and take the quiz to find your perfect [e-mail] Deloney right now. And right now they have a special offer just for my audience. 89 bucks a month when you lock in your plan plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net DeLoney that's train T R A I N trainwell.net DeLoney this show is sponsored by Better Help. More and more people are becoming aware of the need for mental and emotional health resources. But over a quarter of those people are still saying they avoid getting therapy due to fear of judgment. I know because I have been there. I've sat with students, their parents, their families hurting people for years. And people are scared to just take that next step. Step Listen when people don't get help, it doesn't just affect them, it impacts their families, workplaces, and entire communities. The world is better. Your life is better when people are healthy and happy. So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at Better Help. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. They have a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist just for them. So to get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time, easily and for no extra cost. Good folks. We're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better. Help. H E L p.com DeLoney all right, let's go to Columbus, Ohio, and talk to Allison. What's up, Allison?

[Elizabeth]

Hi.

[Allison]

How are you, Dr. John?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great. How about you?

[Allison]

Good. So I am one of the OG17, and we are excited because next month we get to go see you at the Money and Relationship tour in Louisville.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, yes. Dude. It's gonna be fun, man. We're gonna have a blast. I'm glad y'all are coming.

[Allison]

We are.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Very cool. Well, hey, at the end of this call, hang on the line and we'll get you upgraded to VIP and you can come backstage and meet us.

[Allison]

Oh, that would be amazing. Thank you so much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Very cool. All right. So what's up?

[Allison]

I have. I have my question. And I wrote back. I wrote out some background for context.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Allison]

Nervous?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, go for it. Go.

[Allison]

So my question is, how can I be a more fun parent while still raising good kids? The background is for context. I am married to an amazing guy. He's the father of both of our kids. We share the responsibilities of raising and disciplining our kiddos when need be. But my husband is super creative when it comes to playing with the kids, where I am more tightly wound and I cannot seem to relax. I have taken advice from your show. We've purchased the Questions for Humans Family Editions incorporated biweekly breakfast dates before school with the kiddos. I purchased books, but there are times during my one on ones with my kids that I feel like my body is just pulling me away and just shutting down. So I want my kids to see that I can also relax and be fun and it not just be bad.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, you're awesome.

[Allison]

Thanks. I don't feel like it someday.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know. But I want you to hear what you're able to do. I mean, you're us. This is usually, like, five months of therapy. You're able to have a picture of who you think you want to be. And I'll challenge that picture in a second. But I love that you have one. And you also aren't burning your husband down because he happens to be the thing that you wish you were. Because that's usually what most people do. It's easy to be like, he never did, but you're like, no, no, I'm going to be fair. He is a great husband. And he's also obnoxiously fun, and it drives me crazy, but I love it. Right? And he's the best you're able to Feel your own body as it's doing what it's doing to try to keep you safe. And the tragedy here is it's trying to keep you safe when you are under the direct gaze of one of your kids. And we'll get into that. But most people blame their. They just blame and blame and blame. And for you to be this self aware is amazing. So you're awesome. That's so cool.

[Allison]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good call. That tells me you've done a ton of work and introspective. We're just thinking through all this stuff, so. Good for you. All right, I'm going to throw a couple questions up against the wall. Okay. Let see what sticks. Okay.

[Allison]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, you know what can I throw? Can. Depending on where I think this is going to go, this could be hilarious and really awkward. Is that okay?

[Allison]

Totally fine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You positive?

[Allison]

Positive.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, Same team. I'm not trying to be weirdo, but I'm being serious. Okay.

[Allison]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But also, I'm smiling. What is. Don't go into like, super graphic detail, but give me a high level time. You just wowed your husband. Oh, yeah.

[Allison]

I mean, if we were talking from his perspective, that would be every day. His comment is a lot of times that I'm a sight for sore eyes. And I'm like, I don't see that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Forget his. He didn't get a vote on this one.

[Allison]

No, you. Oh, gosh. I. I honestly can't pinpoint. I. Like, if we go out for a date night, like, you know, obviously I've been. I'll put more effort into getting dressed up and, you know, making myself look nice. So, I mean, like, if we're gonna pinpoint something, I could say that for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, I'm talking about, like, I'm gonna be comically sexual and I'm gonna blow his mind.

[Allison]

That would probably be like, on a random day that I will text him, like, okay. Like, hey, when we get home, this is the plan for tonight.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Allison]

Kids need to go to bed early.

[Elizabeth]

Like, we've.

[Allison]

We've taken those cues from your show.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Allison]

And tried to incorporate that because, you know, having two kids is hectic.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course, of course. It's me. It's it's mayhem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And does he love that?

[Allison]

Oh, he does. He plays right back with him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Cool. And when he plays back, does that light you up or does that make you start to disappear in your own body?

[Allison]

No, it lights me up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All right. Okay. Good, good, good, good. So, all right, that's question number one. So I know that's. You don't sound like a person like me. Like, at the dinner table, I'm like, hey, like. Anyway, I bet our dinner conversations are very different, and I love that. Okay.

[Allison]

No, my husband is more like you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Dwayne]

All right, all right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here's the second thing. What evidence do you have that you're not fun?

[Allison]

I think it's when I can just see my kids more gravitate towards my husband for, like, the fun outlet. I'm more of the one they come to for the conversations of, like, I like somebody in school or I'm having a difficulty or I'm having difficulty in school with a particular individual. So I think we're both safe spaces, but we've. It seems like they'll gravitate more towards him for the fun, and sometimes I feel like I kind of get left out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, so as you're saying that in my house, as you can imagine, I have the same dynamic. And my dream is, one day my kids will be like, dad, I super am in love with some guy or some girl. And they don't. They go to my wife. You know, when they come to me, well, my daughter goes, dad, it's time for couch fight part two.

[Allison]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then she attacks me on the couch and jumps off the thing onto. And then we're in wwe. And then my son comes by, and, you know, like, he bumps me, I bump him back. And then now we're like, hey, dad, you want to go fishing? Yeah, let's do that. Hey, dad, you want to go wrestle in the backyard? Yeah, let's do that. Hey, Mom, I'm really struggling, and I'm like, hey, why don't you talk to me about that's what I do for a living. And they're like, yeah, whatever, dad. And so I'm asking you, I would love to be in your position. So what is it about this position? Hey, mom, couch fight. Now it's time. And your first thought is, oh, I don't want to mess up the cushions. Right. Or, hey, you have homework to do, or, hey, I don't want to mess something up. Last. Last night. Last night we were watching. It was the Hundred Years of the Opry, right? And so they had all these old country stars, and I think I've talked on this show. My son is obsessed with 90s country, and it was just like, coming up next, Garth Brooks coming up, Clint Black coming up next. And he goes to bed pretty early, and I was like, dude, you're stand up for this one. He's like, oh, yeah. And my wife's like, he's got to go to bed. And then the next one would come up and be like, coming up next, Garth Brooks. I'm like, hank, you got to watch it anyway. It'll be like an hour and a half later. And I was like, he's got to live. And she's like, he's got to. Right? But. But all three of us were laughing the whole time. So I'm asking you, like, what is it about your role that feel sacred and holy for your kids as a. Not in a religious sense, but, like, as a place for them to land? And you're like, no, I want this one.

[Allison]

Can you ask me that a different way?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. What is it about your kids trusting you enough with their inner world that you don't feel you don't like that role as much as you would like to just be able to throw water balloons at them?

[Allison]

I think it's going back to constantly having conversations with them of, you know, you can tell me anything. I may be upset, but I'm never going to be angry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, I know, but you would rather them say, hey, mom, let's. Let's do couch fight.

[Allison]

No, not all the time. I do like the role, but occasionally I realize that, like, that's where dad maybe shines. Like, I'll come home and there's boxes all over the living room and they've made a tunnel. And I'm just like. And I'm like, that's awesome. But then I feel like, oh, I wish I could have thought of that. And that's kind of where I've struggled.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, where is that voice? Where's that voice come from?

[Allison]

I would 100% say it comes from my childhood of not having a presence, parental figure who wanted to play with me. It was always like, hey, you need to go on your own and figure things out or go find friends. And so for me, I feel like I'm lacking in that area.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so I'm not. I hear me say this in, like, same team. Okay. But this is one of those things, like, I heard a comedian say, like, he was just making fun of, like, how do you lose weight? Like, diet and exercise? Like, it sounds so easy, but it's like a trillion dollar industry. Right?

[Allison]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's this. That's the solution here is actually incredibly simple. But it only is going to work if you give yourself a ton of grace, because it's going to feel awkward.

[Allison]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Simple as this. That angst, that kind of feeling frozen Like, I feel like I want to do something fun, but I don't even know what to do. And then all of a sudden, your husband comes in and everybody's wearing oven mitts and they're slapping each other with them. You're like, ah, I would have never thought of that. Right? And everyone's laughing, having fun, and you're like, I wish I could. It is you literally plotting it out. Wednesday afternoon, I'm gonna have a bucket of water balloons. And when my kids. I'm gonna say, hey, can y'all come outside real quick? I'm gonna have a bucket behind the door for them. And I'm just gonna be on the other side of the yard and I'm just gonna start letting them have it. And it's gonna feel awkward. I'm gonna feel like this isn't gonna work. I'm gonna feel weird. I don't want to get wet. Like, whatever the thing. And then here's the magic. Go try it anyway.

[Allison]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna go buy five sticks of butter, and me and my kids are gonna have a butter carving contest. And whoever wins gets a bag of kit kicks something absurd, right? Just ridiculous. But I am gonna just be ridiculous. We're gonna have a mayonnaise carving contest. And like, whatever the weird thing is, it kind of, kind of like this. Like whenever you have two kids, like, the old marriage adage is like, you can have sex on the calendar or you can not have it, but the days of like, y'all just winking at each other and it's like 9 o'clock and you're having a beer and like, let's just like, that's over. Like, you're. You got two kids running around like everything's tired, but you still want to be together, right? So we're going to put on the calendar. Same here. You're practicing your way into this and it's a matter of just giving yourself permission. And here's what I'm hoping happens. I'm hoping you begin not teach your mind because your mind knows we have to teach your body. It's still running on 7 year old U. Technology that it was wasn't okay to be silly parents. Dads aren't supposed to be silly with their kids. Moms aren't silly with their kids. Moms aren't a part of the fun stuff, right? I want your body to begin to feel how fun it is and how hilarious it is. There's going to be some days you get tired and your kids, y'all going to Be making jokes and you're just going to start crying. That's okay. Or one of your kids, you're going to be whapping each other with, I don't know, paper towel rolls or something, and someone's going to get hurt. And then you're instantly going to be nine again. Not supposed to do that. That's okay. We're just practicing our way into being silly.

[Allison]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And on the other side, can I throw a counterweight to this whole conversation?

[Allison]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My wife has reminded me over 23 years of getting married. I get to be silly and wild and crazy because the mental load she carries all of the time.

[Allison]

I didn't think about it like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And sometimes your body may not be letting you just cut loose because it is carrying every doctor and dentist appointment and can't wear this color on this day at school, but this other kid's got to do this at school. And don't forget, next week is this. There's a parent conference and braces just fell out and the dog needs to get. And then dad comes home from work and he's had. His mental load is much less. And so it's really been helpful in my house to sit down and say, okay, let me take some of the mental load from you. And that actually, like, literally frees up space for creativity and excitement and fun. Do you get what I'm saying?

[Allison]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your husband can be amazing and have no idea what you're carrying. Why do you know who my dentist is? I don't. I have no idea. I forget every time. Every time. And, like, I can't tell you the number of times I've had to pay the extra 70 bucks for new X rays because I went to the wrong new place. It would never have occurred to me to know, like, when my dentist is open and when they're not. Like, I don't know, I just. You know what I mean? And so on the other side, you may have your dentist, kid's dentist. Like, this dentist doesn't work on Mondays, but this one does. And this one's recommending braces. But I need to talk about this one with this one cavity. And he has no idea. That doesn't make him a bad guy. It makes him uninformed.

[Allison]

No, I think you're right because I've placed myself in that role with being a type A personality where I have to be in control. And I have to see all of, like you said, the finances and the doctor's appointments and dentist appointments, that sometimes I forget that he can also Carry that weight.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. And you know what? It would.

[Allison]

And he's asked.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. It would be honoring to him. And that means you have to go all the way back to that nine year old girl and take a knee in front of her and let her know, hey, controlling every stray variable kept you safe as a kid.

[Elizabeth]

It did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm sorry you had to do that. But now you got a ride or die, partner. We made it. We made it. I married really well. We got a gang now.

[Allison]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that thing that kept me safe as a kid is making me have less joy as an adult. And I'm not going to do that. I'm not sacrificing joy with these two knuckleheaded kids. The time I have with them is too short. And then let's be real intentional about practicing being silly. Right. Practicing those. All right, when they get home, we're gonna throw spaghettios on each other in the backyard. I don't know what you're gonna do, but just decide. We're gonna be silly. Hey, kids, we got some, I don't know, some old something, and we're gonna cause some problems with it or get a couple of Zebco reels and say we're going fishing. Do you know how to fish, Mom? Nope. And we're gonna figure it out. And. And whoever wins gets to pick where we eat on the way home or whatever's going on. But we're going to schedule silly until our bodies feel. Oh, my gosh, this is so, so fun. And it's the same way I have to schedule intentionality. I have to schedule paying attention. And I always feel how good it feels when I get something done by the deadline. It just feels amazing. Allison, you are awesome, awesome, awesome. Thank you so much for the call. Hey, when we come back, we're going to talk to a man who is pretty worried about the path his family is taking. We'll be right back. All right. So Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point. So if you committed to consistent prayer, gratitude, or a practice of reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. These small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful. Whether it's guided meditation, music or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life's gone bonkers. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for your faith with Hallow. When you sign up right [e-mail] Deloney you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on lint, it's still a great time to start again. Go to hallow.com that's h l l o w halow.com Deloney for three months for free. Please, please, please, please, please hit that subscribe button or that like button or send this episode to some know is going to benefit from it. It really makes a difference in the lives of your friends and your family and your neighbors. And it puts it into the digital ecosystem that gets the show in front of more people. And man, it just takes a small group of us that are decided, like, we're going to change the way we parent, we're going to change our marriages, we're going to change our emotional mental health. It just takes a small group and there's a contagion effect, man. And it just, it just becomes the way communities operate. And it's amazing. And so thank you so much for just taking a second to do something small like hit the subscribe button or hit the like button or whatever you got to do. Thank you so, so much. Let's go to St. Louis and talk to Dwayne. What's up, Dwayne?

[Dwayne]

What's up, Dr. John?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What do you got, man? How are we doing?

[Dwayne]

I'm doing good. Been better, but I'm. I'm doing good right now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. Oh, thanks for the call, man. What's up? How can I help?

[Dwayne]

Absolutely. Thanks for taking my call. Just, I just feel like the vision that my wife and I had for our life has been completely lost. Like, I just want to know how we can start over. Because it seems like every time we start over, it gets derailed. And how can we get out of like the downward cycle of. Just seems like we're waiting for the next thing to happen when we start our lives over again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Usually this happens when people have that kind of exciting. The first few times especially it's kind of exciting like, let's rebuild something new. We get to decide what's happening in our lives. But we have to live in this town or I have to keep this job or I have to. We will go to Christmas at my parents house. Right? Like so, so some of these big pillars, we don't, we don't actually swipe the whole thing away, we swipe away chunks of it. And so then we enter into this new world. But like then the, then the, the same poles bring us right back to where we were. So tell me, what if you think of feelings like, like a dashboard in a car? What, what are you feeling that lets you know, like what's happening inside you, inside your wife, you all together, that lets you know your, your, this vision you have for your family's off the rails.

[Dwayne]

Me mostly. Short tempered, angry a lot. Okay. Her, she feels, with the family that I have on my side, she feels just very disconnected, unseen, unheard, not satisfied with how she's parenting the children. Feels like she's a failure all the time. Feels like she's not doing the right things. And partially that would be the question. I travel. So I'm gone 10 months out of the year. Okay. And they travel with me about 75% of the time, maybe more depending on where I'm at. We have an RV that they stay with us, so homeschooled. So there's a lot of moving parts. She's had a lot of trials in the past. We have, we've, you know, moved her dad onto the property. He wound up committing suicide on our property. We've had very various. My child, oldest child, was diagnosed with autism. We moved to Colorado to get ABA therapy, stayed there for three years, moved back. You know, there's just a. While she was out there house sitting, you know, the child that she was house sitting for got ran over by a truck. You know, it was, it just seems like a lot of tragedy that seems to just reset us and we have these hopes, but a lot of it is just, you know, me being angry at the Internet, you know, and gaming and you know, the things that I can't parent while I'm away. And when I come home, you know, I try to invest in the kids and their gaming and whenever I want to suggest something, you know, a drag a Willys Jeep out of my grandpa's basement, you know, hey, let's go work on such and such and go take it around in the go karts, you know, whatever, just to get them away from the computer. It's just, I just feel very deflated every time that I make a eight hour trip home, you know, on the weekend and I come back to work. I just, I just feel like I just can't figure out how to map our life out to get out of what I consider a bad rut.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, man. Good for you, dude. Thanks for seeing this with clear eyes and those, those eight hour trips. Yeah, those can be.

[Dwayne]

I. I listen to you for those eight hour trips.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, God help you, man. There's a lot of good podcasts out there, brother. You may want to check some out. What do you do for a living, man?

[Dwayne]

Oh, welder.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And do you. Do you do site work, I'm assuming?

[Dwayne]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Specialty welding or do you. Are you doing new builds?

[Dwayne]

Specialty.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so that's a trap, man, because you make good money, don't you?

[Dwayne]

Yes, very. And we're about 30,000 from paying the house off and having all of our bills paid off. And then my goal was to, like, slide back and work, you know, two jobs a year instead of, you know, six. But, you know, then that cuts out on retirement and investing and insurance hours and things like that. So it feels just like I can't do one or the other.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's the trade you're making. Okay.

[Dwayne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do I live a life where I'm dead in my own skin for some future finish line, or do I step back and truly, truly sweep the deck clean with my wife and say, what kind of life do we want to live? How does we want this home to feel when both of us walk into it and, dude, you have a mortgage with 30 grand left on it. That puts you better than 95% of America, right? Yeah.

[Dwayne]

We were paying it off this year. So there you go.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your wife's life sounds like one. And I hear this more and more and more and more. It's one of those things that you dream of it. I want to travel together. I want to get some land. I want to live on an rv. I'm going to homeschool. And the rigors of that life are exceedingly lonely.

[Dwayne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And disorienting and frustrating. And then you get heartbroken that you're frustrated at your own kids. And then you start looking in the mirror and saying, oh, you're a terrible mother because you don't even want to be around your own kids. And you see, and then I'm not. I'm not worth having friends. And so when I do go home, it just starts in a big loop.

[Dwayne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you're alone. And 10 months out of the year, I'm saying this with all due respect, like, you're a good provider for those kids, but you pop back in every random weekend and you are expecting them to Help you feel a certain way about the choice you've made. To be gone 10 months out of the year and they can't carry that. I can't do it. It's impossible. And you drive back with that. That's that hollow feeling you're talking about when you're driving back. Yeah, because it didn't feel like you thought I was gonna feel. Or you're watching your kids become something or become people that you didn't never think they were going to become, but you're not there to like. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. So. So let's get obnoxiously practical. How much money do you have in retirement?

[Dwayne]

I can retire at 55. Fairly comfortable. So as far as retire. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. How old are you now?

[Dwayne]

47.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I guess, I guess what I would ask you is like, you, you've heard that old saying, like, nothing changes, nothing changes. So I think it's going to come down to you and your wife asking each other, like, what's going to change?

[Dwayne]

So how would, how would I do that if I would change something? Like, obviously, you know, they travel with me the majority of the time this year has been. I say majority. They travel with me 100% of the time. I said 75% of that 10 months. But depending on medical bills or medical appointments and such. So how, with my son being, you know, lots of medical bills and my wife, lots of therapy and consistency needed to be around the house, you know, and lots of medical bills with her also, how do I, how do I make a decent living at the same time feel like I'm providing health care and, you know, all the things without my family having to, you know, do without in this decision that her and I would make, obviously her and I would make it together, so we would have to be okay with it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Well, I think I want to ask a few. Like, I'm not going to ask you these, but I want you to ask a few what I would call recursive questions. Some of these things feed on themselves. So would her therapy bills and would her post traumatic stress, which she 100% has. Not clinically, but you know what I mean? I'm not going to do a diagnosis on the show, but she's going to have all kinds of struggles with dad and that little kid, all that kind of stuff. How much of that collapses when she's got a home with roots and a group of women she hangs out with in a small little church group and a group of people that she walks around the Neighborhood with. And a steady counselor.

[Dwayne]

See, I tried, I tried doing that a year ago, but you got to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Be a part of it too.

[Dwayne]

No, I did. Like, I quit my job.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Dwayne]

So I could stay home for a year and start, and start a business. And I did. It was a kind of a turnkey business. And we wound up. She didn't enjoy, you know, being around the family. She was stir crazy at the house. She didn't like any of the churches that we tried. You know, we had several churches that we went to. You know, I, I feel like I've tried it once and if I try it again, you know, what's, what's going to be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No fair point. That's good. Call out, man. So, so again I'm gonna ask that recursive question. You, you answered it. It's not gonna do nothing, dude. In fact, it might make it worse. She likes being on the road. She likes being out and about. My guess is, and without ever talking to her, she's got some profound grief she's got to work through.

[Dwayne]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And some of that grief is often carried with parents. And dude, I've been working with, with young people with autism for my whole career. The shame and guilt. Parents carry this quote, unquote. I gave this to them.

[Dwayne]

Sure. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And man, some parents just get buried by that. And some parents really work hard to dig into that because that story is not true. And you come out on the other side of it. And some of that challenge is, this isn't the picture I had. I wanted two healthy boys. And this is, I got a kid with special needs. And it's hard and it's frustrating and things go slower. And some of it's just about getting with the right grief therapist to sit there and work through. Like, how do we slowly live into reality? This is my life. This is, this is my life. And that's. Dude, that's so hard. But she's gonna, she, she has to want to do that kind of healing.

[Dwayne]

Yeah, I think she does. And you know, this is, this is the first time that she's really sat down and been consistent. I love with. Hey, I'm, Hey, I'm staying home. I gotta take care of this, you know, I gotta get better, you know, so she is trying. And I'm just trying to keep up with the funding.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, so. So how much do you make a year?

[Dwayne]

175, 200.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, what you just explained to me, Aba is very, very expensive. Yeah, very expensive. Especially if it's not covered by insurance, which it Often isn't. Trauma and grief therapy would be 225 bucks an hour. Depending on where you are can be very expensive.

[Dwayne]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have a house that's almost paid off. I guess. I guess that was.

[Dwayne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what I'm asking.

[Dwayne]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Could you construct a world not where you go start a business and you end up underwater and because that might not be your thing, business owner is very different than incredible world class welder. And that's okay. Is there a world where you have collapsed your expenses to basically zero and you're going to have an ego hit and you're going to have a. I really don't have to worry about money very often hit. But dude, I can make a hundred grand. As a welder in this local community, I'm the best there is. And that pays our bills. We have no mortgage. We're here in this house. We're not going to be rich, but we're going to pay our bills. Is that a feasible thing?

[Dwayne]

That's what we found out the year, year and a half that I had taken off is that we do no investing, we do no moving forward on finances. We just pay the bills. And it was maddening for both of us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here's the challenge. In some ways, your feelings like this makes her feel crazy. This makes us both feel crazy. Your feelings have trapped y'all, right? And you're gonna have to choose because. Because here's the deal. You're gonna have to it. It's the old cliche, but you're gonna have to choose your hard. I'm gonna choose to drive home every other weekend, 10 months out of the year to see my boys. I talked to one dad. I'll never forget this. I talked to one dad of. Of a kid with autism who's nonverbal. And I just asked him point blank like, dude, what. What's it going to be? What's it like to know my son will never be able to say the words I love you, dad? It was a really heavy interact conversation. He. It was so honoring how he answered. It was. He's like this. It's the most heartbreaking thing in the whole world. The whole wide world.

[Dwayne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I wouldn't wish that on him, that he's frozen, that he can't tell his dad, I love you. Right. And so you're gonna have to know I'm gonna go home with that experience. And I've also increasingly over the last five to 10 years, heard about how the advancements in video games has entranced a Generation of young boys with autism.

[Dwayne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, it is. It's. I cannot not look at that. Right. It's captured, and that's tough. And so I'm gonna. I'm gonna choose that. I'm gonna choose to be frustrated about how we're not investing as much as we would like to. We're only gonna have $2 million at retirement instead of 10. Or I'm gonna be frustrated about, hey, I feel a little stir crazy in the house. We're gonna have to go camping every other weekend, but we're gonna do it as a family. That's gonna be okay. Like, at some point you're gonna choose to be uncomfortable.

[Dwayne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna choose to say, remember the good old days when I made 200 grand and now I only make 100 grand? The. But. But, like, at some point, you're all gonna have to make a choice. Otherwise, make peace with, this is just our life. And you're doing what almost every man I know does, including myself, which is when I feel powerless in my own house, I do the one thing I can do to love my family, and I'm gonna go work really hard, make some extra money.

[Dwayne]

Right? Yeah, That's. That's the only thing I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's it. That's it.

[Dwayne]

What I can do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's it.

[Dwayne]

I can count on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's it. And so I guess what I'm inviting you into is a period of sitting with your wife and exhaling and saying, I don't know what the next right move is. And that will feel terrifying for Dwayne.

[Dwayne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Saying I make good money at my work and I don't. I'm missing out on our boys. I'm missing out on you. Or here's all. Here's our five paths we could take. All of them aren't going to feel good. So. Okay, we know they're all not going to feel good. Let's move that off to the side. What's the best thing for us? Hope that helped me. And if your wife wants to call in, great. If you both want to call in, I'd love to have you both on. That'd be cool. And if we can get through some of it and hang on the line, I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non Anxious Life. And I'm going to also send you a link to the audiobook so you can listen to it on your drive. And there's. There's the six Daily choices wheel. It's just the wheel for doing life, man. And I wonder if you use that as a road map for you and your wife to begin. Let's take all the money off table. Let's take all what? Let's begin to backfill these six daily choices for a non anxious life. Let's go through these things and begin to map it out. And then, if the same job is still on the table, cool. If the same town is on the on the table, cool. If living on our land is still on the table, cool. But maybe it's not. And we're going to be okay with that because we're going to ask ourselves, how do we want our life to feel? What do we want our life to look like? And then we're going to reverse engineer from there. Thank you, my brother. It's been an absolute honor to talk to you. Hang on the line, we'll get you hooked up. I have been loving red light therapy and EMF blocking gear for years. And that's why I'm super excited to tell you about my new partner, Bon Charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights in front of little bitty screens that we carry around with us. Medium sized screens, giant screens. All this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety and the studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bond Charge. Bon Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress and help with your sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, infrared sauna blanket, my EMF mat all of the time. And listen up, if your skin looks tired, I want you to check out Bond Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production and improve blood flow. Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin. Super easy, no creams or appointments. It's lightweight and it's cordless and it can change everything. Go to boncharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15%. That's B O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E.com DeLoney and use coupon Code DeLoney to save 15. All right, we're back. Hey, something happened last night and I just want to tell you guys about it. And this is just my little. I don't know if this. It's a new segment called Just a Thing Happened at John's house. And that could probably be a creepy thing or kind of a Kelly's like, ooh, not that. Kelly, I just want to paint this picture for you. I'm back in meeting with this amazing therapist I meet with in Nashville. And it's. It's been extraordinary, and I needed to take some time off. And coming back, it's just been. It's been really amazing. And my wife and I, for the last seven years especially, but really especially the last two years of three years have really been over the top, intentional. And by me going to get well, I've allowed my daughter's tiny little third grade body to be safe in my presence. And she's taking guitar lessons and coming home with a new Taylor Swift song every week and whatever. And she's got an amazing teacher at her little third grade. And, like, I'm watching my daughter come back alive. And my son is 14. He's just like, golly, dude, I hope I'm like him when I grow up. He's just an amazing kid. And he's all 14 and all knucklehead and all silly and all smart and kind and thoughts on the world are both really amazing and absurd, all that stuff. And last night I sat by my daughter on the couch under a giant, cozy girth blanket, and we watched Bluey. And I had a handful of jelly beans that I'd grabbed, and I just reached over and put my hand, like, over the top, and she opened her hand, I dropped a few in there, and she ate the jelly beans, and I ate the jelly beans. And then I tried to put one of the jelly beans in her ear, just being silly. And she poked me back and then turned into couch fight part 19. And we were dying laughing, and my wife was like, we gotta go to bed. And I was like, hold on. And then I'd do one more, like, pillow slam. And she would jump on me. She'd be like, all right, good night, Deb. She would jump on me. And then she said, good night, dad. She told all the dogs good night individually. And then my son came down and we have this awesome thing. We watch Matlock a couple times a week, like the new Matlock. It's with Kathy Baith. It's so great, but it's fun and silly. And last night it wasn't on. And we watched the country music thing, like I told y'all earlier. And then we went to bed, and I was reading a book in bed, and my wife was fading out and going to sleep. And I got up and walked around her side of the bed and just leaned over and kissed her on the cheek and said, I love our life, and I'm really happy about our life. It's not always going to be perfect, but I love our life right now in this little moment. And she quietly whispered as she fell asleep, I did, too. And what I tell you that story not because things are perfect or great in my house. They're for sure not. And it's taken a long time to get here, and we're just one phone call away from everything changing. Right. I know that. But I think a lot of us are running and gunning and doing a lot of work. Man, the emails you'll send and the messages you send and the people I talk to all over the country. I did an event for Duke University yesterday. I'll be on the. I just got off the phone. I'll be in Phoenix in a few weeks. Dave and I are going on tour. I meet you guys all over the country, and everybody's working so hard. And I just think it's important to pause every once in a while and say, I like my life. Things are okay. They're not perfect, but things are good today. And maybe they're not going to be tomorrow. And yes, there's hurt and pain all over the world right now. I like my life right now. And it's good for us to exhale. It's good for us to point out the places where we got to grow. But sometimes it's good just to drop your shoulders and say, today was a good day. Today was a good one. And just want to encourage you guys, the work is worth it. You're worth the work. Your kids are worth the work. And that magic night when you can just be walking into your room, you're reading a book, and you're like, wait a minute, today's a good day. And not forever, but right now, I like my life. Thank you guys for walking with us. Love you guys.

[Allison]

Bye.