My Husband Weaponizes Scripture to Control Me

Summary

The Dr. John DeLoney Show

Episode: My Husband Weaponizes Scripture to Control Me
Release Date: June 25, 2025
Host: Dr. John DeLoney
Produced by: Ramsey Network

---

Introduction

In this compelling episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, Dr. DeLoney delves deep into the intricate dynamics of relationships where scripture is misused as a tool for control. Addressing real-life challenges, Dr. DeLoney offers insightful advice to listeners grappling with emotional and spiritual manipulation within their marriages.

---

Caller 1: Nicole from Indianapolis

Topic: Husband Using Scripture to Demand Submission

Background: Nicole reaches out seeking guidance on how to handle her husband's demands for submission, which he enforces using Biblical verses. Married for nearly three years, she finds her faith important but feels undermined when her husband leverages scripture to end arguments and exert control.

Key Discussion Points:

• Misuse of Scripture:

  • Nicole: “He's often used the Bible verses about wives, submit to your husbands and to end our arguments.” [00:27-02:07]
  • Dr. DeLoney: “Yeah, it's like taking a Bible and hitting you in the mouth with it.” [02:07-02:16]

• Emotional Toll:

  • Nicole describes feeling dismissed and unvalued, especially when her husband prioritizes video games over household responsibilities, leading to prolonged arguments.

• Impact of External Influences:

  • The husband consumes media from the "Manosphere," which reinforces his controlling behavior.
  • Nicole: “I'm learning the word Manosphere.” [11:31-11:40]

• Dr. DeLoney's Insights and Advice:

  • Identifies the behavior as abusive and stresses the importance of reclaiming autonomy.
  • Encourages seeking support from counselors and trusted friends.
  • Emphasizes the need to view such manipulative tactics as unhealthy and to make empowered choices for personal well-being.
  • Dr. DeLoney: “You need to reclaim your autonomy.” [12:32-12:43]
  • Advises on setting clear boundaries and preparing for difficult conversations about the relationship and future.

Notable Quote:

Dr. DeLoney: “This is a radically abusive, distorted view of all sorts of good things used to wield power, and it just makes me sick to my stomach, dude.” [05:02-06:23]

Conclusion of Call: Nicole expresses relief and gratitude for the support, acknowledging the difficulty of her situation and the importance of feeling less alone.

---

Caller 2: Kelly from Kansas City, Missouri

Topic: Overcoming Guilt and Shame from a One-Night Stand Leading to Single Motherhood

Background: Kelly shares her journey of coping with guilt and shame after a one-night stand resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. As a single mother working multiple jobs, she struggles with feelings of inadequacy and fears about her son's perception of his conception.

Key Discussion Points:

• Emotional Struggles:

  • Kelly recounts her loneliness post-divorce and the subsequent poor decisions that led to her pregnancy.
  • Kelly: “Walking out of my house every day feeling like I had a giant scarlet letter A on my forehead.” [24:57-25:30]

• Impact on Daily Life:

  • Balances multiple jobs and shares a small apartment, feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities and emotional weight.

• Dr. DeLoney's Insights and Advice:

  • Validates her feelings, affirming her as a good mother despite the circumstances.
  • Suggests practical steps to build self-worth, such as daily affirmations with her son and preparing for future conversations about his father.
  • Encourages embracing her role wholeheartedly and utilizing available resources like Financial Peace University and supportive literature.
  • Dr. DeLoney: “You're a good mom.” [25:37-26:04]
  • Recommends holding her son's face and expressing love to regulate his nervous system and reinforce his sense of security.

Notable Quote:

Dr. DeLoney: “You need to hold his face and say, 'I'm so glad that God picked me to be your mommy.'” [28:52-28:53]

Conclusion of Call: Kelly gains a sense of hope and direction, feeling supported and understanding that she is not alone in her struggles. She commits to implementing Dr. DeLoney's advice to foster a positive environment for her son and herself.

---

Caller 3: Stephanie from Franklin, Tennessee

Topic: Navigating a Relationship with Her Late Friend's Husband

Background: Stephanie updates Dr. DeLoney on her relationship with her late friend’s husband. Initially hopeful, she faces sudden emotional turmoil as he abruptly distances himself, leaving her confused and heartbroken.

Key Discussion Points:

• Initial Connection:

  • Stephanie and her late friend's husband connected post-divorce, sharing grief and building a tentative relationship.
  • Stephanie: “We had talked a lot about, you know, are you sure you're ready? It hasn't been a year yet.” [38:27-40:14]

• Sudden Distance:

  • As the anniversary of her friend's death approaches, he withdraws, leading to uncertainty about his feelings and intentions.
  • Stephanie: “He stopped responding.” [42:00-42:02]

• Dr. DeLoney's Insights and Advice:

  • Acknowledges her pain and the cowardly nature of his withdrawal.
  • Encourages her to focus on personal strength and the positive aspects of her relationship rather than self-blame.
  • Suggests writing a one-year letter to her late friend and maintaining honesty in future conversations.
  • Dr. DeLoney: “You get to be the author of the stories you tell yourself.” [48:46-48:59]
  • Emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and not letting heartbreak define her.

Notable Quote:

Dr. DeLoney: “You are defined by doing something that was in violation of your own values to being a great mom.” [31:19-32:27]

Conclusion of Call: Stephanie receives empathetic support and actionable advice to navigate her emotional pain, encouraging her to seek healing and maintain her strength despite the unexpected challenges in her relationship.

---

Key Takeaways and Insights

1. Misuse of Religious Texts as Control:
   Dr. DeLoney highlights the detrimental impact of using scripture to dominate or manipulate within relationships, emphasizing that true faith should promote mutual respect and understanding.

2. Emotional Validation and Support:
   A recurring theme is the importance of recognizing and validating one’s own feelings. Dr. DeLoney consistently provides empathetic support, reinforcing the callers' self-worth and encouraging them to seek necessary help.

3. Practical Strategies for Healing:
   The episode offers practical advice, such as daily affirmations, setting boundaries, seeking counseling, and utilizing supportive resources to foster personal growth and emotional well-being.

4. Empowerment and Autonomy:
   Empowering listeners to reclaim their autonomy and make informed, courageous decisions for their futures is a central focus, encouraging individuals to break free from abusive patterns and build healthier relationships.

5. Compassionate Storytelling:
   Dr. DeLoney encourages listeners to reframe their narratives with compassion, fostering resilience and a positive self-image despite past mistakes or ongoing challenges.

---

Conclusion

The Dr. John DeLoney Show effectively addresses complex emotional and relational issues with compassion and practical wisdom. By providing a safe space for callers to share their struggles and offering actionable advice, Dr. DeLoney empowers listeners to navigate their personal challenges with resilience and hope.

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Big news. New dates for money and marriage Getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend, 2026. Get [e-mail] events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee.

[Nicole]

How do I respond to my husband when he demands submission?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What?

[Nicole]

He's often used the Bible verses about wives, submit to your husbands and to end our arguments.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, it's like taking a Bible and hitting you in the mouth with it. I mean, this is. This is an insane situation. Yo, yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. Man, I'm glad you are with us, trying to bring some sanity to our crazy relationships and challenges with our kids and our friends and our mental emotional health in a world that has lost its mind. It's amazing to me. I'm reading headlines right now and I won't read them here because everybody will get all gastrointestinal distress. But it is wild in these streets. Let's go out to Indianapolis. And I'm getting myself fired to talk to Nicole. What's up, Nicole? What do you say?

[Nicole]

Hi, how are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I could not be better. Doing great. How about you?

[Nicole]

I'm all right. Thank you for talking to me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. What's going on?

[Nicole]

So my question for you is, how do I respond to my husband when he demands submission?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does that mean?

[Nicole]

A little. A little background, I guess. We've been married for almost three years and since we've gotten married, he's often used the Bible verses about wives, submit to your husbands and everything to end our arguments. My faith is really important to me, so it feels like a trump card has been played when he does this and I just shut down.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, it's like taking a Bible and hitting you in the mouth with it.

[Nicole]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then blaming you for bleeding on the pages.

[Nicole]

Yeah, that's. That's a good way to put it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, give me an example.

[Nicole]

So recently, I guess I brought up my need for a bit more contribution around the house and this devolved into an hours long argument where he ended up reading these verses to me off of his phone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh my gosh.

[Nicole]

And I don't know what else to do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you said, hey, and by the way, let's. Let's take away the word need. I think that's a way we can drown each other. You said, hey, I want some help. And he said like, do you have kids? I mean, what kind of help do you need?

[Nicole]

Or do you want no kids? No kids. But that is another reason why I'M calling. That's definitely a hot topic at the moment, but I kind of feel like I do a bit more than my fair share, I guess. Well, you know, he's playing video games. And so I say, hey, can you vacuum or can you take out the trash? And the argument will devolve into, well, you can quit your job and then you won't have anything to complain about anymore. And then, as arguments continue, is this guy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is this not real? This is a real dude.

[Nicole]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He pauses his video game to look over his shoulder at you and then grabs his phone and reads Bible verses about how you should submit to him.

[Nicole]

Yeah, and sometimes the video game isn't even paused. I wish I were joking.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I literally am out of words. Yeah, I. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. I mean, this isn't about me. How can I help? Well, I mean, this is. This is an insane situation.

[Nicole]

Yeah, I'm. I guess I. I won't, you know, speak about him necessarily, but I feel very dismissed. You know, I'm feeling unvalued.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wait, why? Just because he plays video games and hits you in the face with the Bible and he doesn't help and you wash his underwear and you work full time and you. Like, why in the world would you feel dismissed?

[Nicole]

It's kind of a. It feels like a gender game is being played a lot of the time, and I see, you know, there's certainly merit in that. We are meant to complement each other.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on. No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that. Please don't do that.

[Nicole]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is not a gender game. This is not a scripture game. Because the other. The other part of that talks about die for your wife, put down the video game controller and help her while she melts in front of you. That is not a verse about you get a lifetime made in sexual slave. That does not mean you win every argument about where you're going to go eat and what you do with the kids and what your wife's hair is going to look like at all. That's such a disgusting, gross misrepresentation of what that. That talks about. It's abusive the way that's used. And here's why it's abusive, because you're bound inside of a faith context, right? And you can't. You're not leaving that faith context. And so inside those walls, he's taken this Bible, he's beating you over the head with and saying, you do what I say while he's sitting there eating Cheetos playing video games. I mean, I. I Jeez, Dude. It's like a. It's like a. It's like a. This is one of those dudes that, like, when I'm talking to people out in the. In the. In the public sphere and we're having a good nature debate or not good nature debate, this is the guy they bring up. And I say, that's not real. Nobody's like that. And you're like, no, no, I married him. I married him.

[Nicole]

He's. You know, there's obviously really wonderful qualities about him. He works extremely hard. He's very successful. But, you know, that's. That's great on paper until it comes time to talk about emotions and that. That can be really difficult.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We're not even talking about emotions. We're talking about, hey, can we do life together? No. Submit.

[Nicole]

Yeah. And then add in the whole pressure to. To have kids very soon.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm sure he's.

[Nicole]

I feel a bit stuck.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ripped off some Bible verses out of context to make you feel bad about that one too. Yeah, like.

[Nicole]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't know. But I don't know how you can feel stuck. I mean, you get to choose what happens next. And I mean, I. Here's the thing that's kind of freaking me out or grossing me out. I think I've been super fortunate, and I've also curated it, no question about that. But I've been fortunate with the men I've just got. I just roomed with in college and the people I've grown up around and the people that I run with. And so I live in kind of a bubble of pretty, not perfect men. Kind of some dorks, kind of some buttholes. Me too. But like, with good men, and that's on me, that I don't. I need to get my head out of the sand and realize there's a lot more of this kind of nonsense going on out there.

[Nicole]

It's a blessing, though.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is? Having good men around you. Yeah. It's awesome. Of course. Of course it is. It's amazing. But it. It. It paints because. Because. Because here's the thing. I hear these stories, and my first gut instinct is that can't be real. And every woman's lived experience. Not everyone, but so many women's lived experiences. It tells me I'm dead, dead, dead wrong. And I. I guess I'd just say, on behalf of men everywhere, I'm so sorry. On behalf of guys who identify as Christian, I'm sorry.

[Nicole]

Well, thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It doesn't. Doesn't help you at all. Not even A little bit.

[Nicole]

And I don't want to put a bad label on it, of course, Especially because that's. That's a faith I subscribe to as well. I just. I guess I'm. I'm looking for. For hope, I suppose. Or.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where does this. Where does this. Where does this come from for him? Like, where does this. Like, how does this distill down into, like, an operation? He's got to learn this from something.

[Nicole]

Yeah. My thought is he had a very sort of traditional upbringing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I did, too.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But my dad said, serve your wife.

[Nicole]

Maybe it wasn't so traditional.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Nicole]

I don't know. It's an upbringing that certainly insisted upon mom and wife, stay home and do what you're told while husband goes and makes the money. And that's sort of where that ends with his responsibility. So I think a lot of that has trickled down. It wasn't this way when we were dating.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I was gonna say, why'd you marry into this?

[Nicole]

Yeah. I suppose I thought he was different from his parents. You know, we'd had that conversation of what we want our marriage to look like, and I thought he didn't want one like his parents, and I didn't want one like my parents, and we could forge our own path, but we. We fall into old habits, I suppose.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Are you safe?

[Nicole]

Physically safe?

[Elizabeth]

Yes.

[Nicole]

Okay, thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because the next step is you being very, very clear with yourself and probably with a counselor, a couple of girlfriends on what. What will be true in your home for your body. Autonomy. Because I also know this happens in the bedroom, and I know this happens in any other sphere that you don't feel comfortable talking about publicly. But I know, and because this isn't. This is a radically abusive, distorted view of all sorts of good things used to wield power, and it just makes me sick to my stomach, dude. But you need to be very clear about here's how this is going to go, and then he gets a choice to opt in or opt out. And I guess what I'm telling you is if. If you're telling me this is what he knows. Like, does he have guy friends? What does he listen to? Like, where does this continue on?

[Nicole]

I think a lot of the media he consumes very much encourages his worldview. So who.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does he consume?

[Nicole]

Certain podcasts that. I'm learning the word Manosphere.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, God. Is he an Andrew Tate guy?

[Nicole]

I. He. I don't think that's the specific person he listens to, but certainly guys like him. I think it's got A big influence on the culture in our home at the moment.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So if he was bringing pornography into the house and letting that be instructive as to how you were going to react, I mean, how are you going to respond to him sexually? Would you put up with that?

[Nicole]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I want you to view this kind of poison and garbage the exact same way.

[Nicole]

I hadn't thought of it like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I guess, if nothing else, on this phone call, I want you to feel permission as long as you're safe. If you're not safe, please, please go somewhere where you're safe physically. Okay.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To reclaim your autonomy. I'm sorry. Did you grow up with some of this nonsense, too?

[Nicole]

No. Maybe that's why I'm. You know, I've. I've allowed some of it to really sit with me and confuse me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's, Well, a very, very common thing when I used to sit down with assault victims was. It was a. Almost as I would ask questions as part of an investigation. What happened? It was a digesting. It was like a slow metabolizing of, oh, my gosh. I am now in this category. Like, I am now a person that this is happening to. And our bodies are so amazing at helping us get distance from wild types of pain, both emotional and psychological and physical. It. It helps us, like, make space. You get what I'm saying?

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's hard when the space begins to shrink and you realize, oh, this is my life.

[Nicole]

Yeah. It's just sort of a. How did. How did it come to this? How did everything change so quickly?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. And you sound like somebody who's looked to the mirror and tried to figure out what you did wrong here. And they just got to hear me say, dude, this is madness. It's madness.

[Nicole]

It helps to hear somebody else say it. Makes you feel a little less alone. So thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, listen to the other, like, bro guys out there. Do you know the word, like, behind closed doors? The word on the street with Rogan is that he is one of the greatest husbands ever. You ever heard some of those goofballs talk about their, like. I'm just thinking of, like, the guys with huge podcasts who are all, like, you know, like, real raunchy dudes. They're so insane about how much they love their wives and how they dedicate their lives to try. Like, they tell jokes about them, and they're in a pro. Blah, blah. But, like, it's. This can not do anything other than, I want to provide the most insane life for my wife.

[Nicole]

Wow.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You've heard Dave Ramsey talk about his wife. It's amazing.

[Nicole]

That's how I found you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

People talk about me and my wife. I mean, it's just. It's such a great. I. I like you're blowing my mind right now. And you shouldn't. That this kind of nonsense is still out there. And I thought this crap. I'm sorry. I'm just. Sorry. I'm sorry.

[Nicole]

No, don't be. Don't be sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. I hate it for you.

[Nicole]

I was scared to call, but I think if anybody else is out there, you know, maybe they can hear something this. And feel a little less alone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's your next move?

[Nicole]

Well, probably get on my knees and pray.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Nicole]

I'm being honest. And call a girlfriend.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And then what?

[Nicole]

And just be. And be honest. I don't know. After that. I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I need you to hear me say you have a very hard road ahead of you. And this is a choose your hard moment. It's going to be very, very hard to continue living the life where you are somebody else's servant who has no care in the world about your feelings, your emotions, your dreams, your wants, your partnership. Yeah. You are a maid, you're a sexual servant, and you are a child dispenser. That's going to be a very hard life. And it will be very hard to untangle yourself from this madness too.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the. Like knowing there's only hard paths ahead of me. You're right ahead of you. It's not a matter of there's an easy route out of this thing. It's just two hard paths. And so whenever somebody's faced with a choose your hard moment, my recommendation is to pick the hard path that will get you to the place that you want to be in five years, in three years.

[Nicole]

That's good advice.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just hear me say there's good guys out there. There's tons and tons and tons and tons and tons of them. I promise you. I know them.

[Nicole]

I believe you. And I. And I know I'm going to be okay. I think just, you know, feeling a little bit like I've got somebody to walk with me has been helpful, even just for a few minutes. So I really appreciate it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I give you. Can I ask one more quick question? I'll let you go.

[Nicole]

Of course. Of course.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And this is only. I'll edit this part out if you want me to. This is only because I've. I've sat with too many people who have been on the other side of this thing before. For 20 years, I've done this. I can hear your voice starting to inch backwards a little bit. Like there's a fear that I've said too much and I'm not safe anymore. Are you okay?

[Nicole]

I'm okay. Just a little shaken, I think.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Nicole]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What you did is a brave thing. When you hang up with me, will you call somebody that you trust and say, I need to come over and talk to you right now?

[Nicole]

I'm going to do that. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You promise?

[Kelly]

Sorry.

[Nicole]

Yes, promise. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, don't ever apologize to me. I'm just a clown on the radio dude on the podcast.

[Nicole]

You're a very helpful clown.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want. I want you to listen to that lump in your throat. Okay? Sounds like you're hanging on with duct tape right now. Are you sure you're okay?

[Nicole]

Yes, I'm okay. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna trust you. Will you call me anytime? All right, Bye, love.

[Nicole]

All right, thanks. Love to you.

[Kelly]

Bye.

[Nicole]

Bye.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Kelly, I don't have any kind words to say right now. For those of you listening, if you want to hear what fear and terror sounds like, it sounds like that woman's voice, and I could feel it. My wife told me back when I was in college that when I. She would grab my arm and take me out of a situation because I started getting a little like. My mouth does a weird thing, and I can feel it doing it right now. Let's go to commercial. We'll be right back. It's Deloney, and I want to talk about organifi. I talk to people every day who are stressed out, anxious, not sleeping well, no friends in sight, and just generally mad at everything. And most of us are trying to fix all of our distress with comfort food or caffeine or scented candles, or all of it at the same time. Can we all just agree probably this isn't working? That's where organifi comes in. Organifi's superfood products are made to help you feel better. More energy, less stress, better sleep. And they do all of this by giving your body what it needs without all the garbage and artificial nonsense. Case in point, I love my happy drops. They're little gummies made with all natural ingredients that have a positive effect on mood and emotional well being. They're loaded with saffron, which helps your brain use your natural serotonin, one of your happy chemicals. In fact, there are clinical studies showing that people who take saffron have improved social relationships. And other studies showing saffron can actually help Lift your mood. Organifi also has green juice and red juice blends that you just mix with water and then you're ready to rock and roll. And hey, I could talk about ingredients and clinical studies and all that, but here's the best endorsement I can give. I use organifi every single day. My son uses organifi every day I travel with it. I take it at home. And you should give organifi a try too. Go to Organifi.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to save 20% off your entire order. That's 20% off everything with code [e-mail] DeLoney I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long time. And that's why I'm excited to tell you about Bond Charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights and in front of little screens and medium sized screens and big screens. And all of this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety. And studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bond Charge. Bon Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, help you recover from injuries, help reduce stress, and even help with sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, infrared sauna, blanket, my EMF mat, all of it. And listen up. If your skin looks tired, check out Bon Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production and improved blood flow. I got the mask mask and I think I look like a smoke show. Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin. No creams, no appointments, it's lightweight and it's Cordless. Go to boncharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15. That's a B O N C H A r g e bondcharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15%. All right, Kansas City, Missouri. Let's talk to Elizabeth. What's up, Elizabeth?

[Kelly]

Hi Dr. John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Kelly]

Thanks so much for taking my call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. What's going on?

[Kelly]

Well, I was hoping that you can give me some advice or some guidance on how I can overcome the guilt and shame that I live with on a fairly daily basis for conceiving my son in a one night stand.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where's the shame and guilt coming from?

[Kelly]

I think it comes from a couple different places. So, brief backstory. I'm a woman of faith. And at the end of 2000, excuse me, 2022, I came out of a.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Very.

[Kelly]

Verbally and emotionally abusive divorce. I was in a just a very bad place emotionally, mentally. Within a few months of that divorce and becoming final, I was going through probably the worst like soul crushing loneliness I've ever experienced in my life. I had no sense of self worth. I just was in a really bad place. And I started making some decisions that I would never have normally made. I started seeking to fill that loneliness and just making some bad decisions when it came to one night stands. And it didn't last very long and I just didn't feel like myself didn't want any part of doing this anymore and stopped completely. But before I could begin any sort of healing from the trauma that I'd been through, I found out I was pregnant. And so from day one of conception, I've been a single mom. And it began, you know, that nine month journey of the daily reminder of what I had done. Walking out of my house every day feeling like I had a giant scarlet letter A on my forehead. You know, having to walk into church as a single woman every Sunday with a belly that was getting bigger. Like there was very much that side of guilt and shame. And then on the other side as.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well.

[Kelly]

I don't have. I'm not giving him the life that I would wanted to have given my son. Being in the single mom position that I am. And you know, we share a little one bedroom apartment and I work, you know, two and three jobs to keep him in school and he's the most precious thing I have and I'm just struggling with how to break through that guilt and shame.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you ever heard me lie to somebody on this show?

[Kelly]

Never.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm not going to start now. Okay.

[Elizabeth]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're a real good mom, actually. You're an unbelievable mom. This knuckleheaded little boy, how old is he?

[Kelly]

He's one and a half now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is he just a human hurricane? Is he just chaos?

[Kelly]

Actually, he's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, is he one of those sweet kids? It's kind of awesome.

[Kelly]

Little boy I could have ever asked for. He's. He helped me unload the dishwasher. He takes out his own trash. He puts his own laundry away. I mean, he's just, he's just the best little boy I could have asked for.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You're a good mom. Did you draw it up this way? No. Are you trying to navigate your way through hell? Yeah. Did you do some things that were out of character for you? Out of Alignment with your values. Yeah. Do you have like a extraordinary miracle? Yep.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm curious. When you're going to church and you were pregnant, did people put look down their nose at you or do they welcome you and say, oh my gosh, I'm so glad you're here?

[Kelly]

They were. They were extremely welcoming.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, then here's what I want you to do. When, when, when you can't hold your arms up in the desert, when your arms are tired, that's pretty amorphous. That's an old like Bible story. When you're. When you look at. Glance by yourself in the mirror and you look tired. How old are you?

[Kelly]

I'm 35.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You're tired. This isn't how you drew this up.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you have a little kid in the other room and of your one bedroom apartment and you don't believe you're worth very much. I want you to remember my voice. I want you to remember the welcoming voices and smiles and hugs of the people at your local church. I want you to remember those voices. Okay.

[Kelly]

Okay. I'm just so afraid that I'm gonna accidentally or unintentionally give him some kind of impression when he's older that he was a mistake. And I don't ever, ever want him to feel that way. So I'm trying hard in this season of my life to overcome that so that I don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's how you do it. You want to hear? It's really simple. Every morning and every night, hold his face. Put your hands on his face. Okay. And by the way, that's got it. It regulates a kid's nervous system. It down regulates it. It lets their nervous system know that they're safe in this particular moment. Okay.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Put your hands on his face and say, I'm so glad that God picked me to be your mommy. I can do that every morning and every night. And one day soon he's going to say, where's my dad? You're gonna have to have that conversation. Where is his dad, by the way?

[Kelly]

He is he. He is aware he has a son at this time. He is not wanting to be a part of his life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Is he is. Have you taken him to court for money?

[Kelly]

He does pay child support, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so we're going to. Honestly, when the kid asks, we'll say dad's really sick and he's not coming. He's not able to come home right now. Actually, we're not going to say that. We're going to say daddy's really Sick. And he's choosing to not come to the house right now so that he doesn't get the rest of us sick. And I will say that with full integrity because to not want to be in the life of your son is very ill.

[Kelly]

Okay. Yeah. That's been a conversation I've been anticipating and trying to prepare myself for.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Just don't ever lie because he won't be able to process that mommy's a liar. And don't ever talk bad because half of him is that guy, Right? And there will come a day, hopefully, that he loops back around. Okay, maybe not, but hopefully.

[Kelly]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And at some point, he'll learn how babies are made. And you'll tell them, and then he'll say, oh, is that how I was made? And you'll say, yes. And you have a bunch of religious context. You've got a bunch of personal baggage. You've got all these other things. He doesn't have any of that.

[Elizabeth]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He will know every night, despite his questions, that he is love to the moon and back, because every single morning, his mom puts her hand on their face. And by the way, as he gets older, he'll get score of me and be like, mom. And be like, nope, I'm saying it.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And we're not going to shy away from hard questions. We're going to head right through them because he will feel unanchored. You're right. It's going to be hard. You're right. And he's not going to have to also wonder, is my mom telling me the truth? All those things are true. But if you start holding your breath now for a hard conversation that may come a year or two years, five years from now, what you're going to do is you're not going to. You're not going to prevent that hard conversation. You're just going to rob yourself of the joy in the present moment that you live right now.

[Kelly]

That's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So when he starts asking questions, let him have a bank of months and years of laughter and joy.

[Kelly]

Yeah, I do feel like I've been robbing myself at least of moments that, you know, such as my pregnancy. I mean, I can't look back on it and say that any of it was joyful when it should have been, because I just. I let the guilt and the shame consume me so much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's kind of like you fell out of a boat in the middle of the ocean and you finally got back to shore and you're really mad at that your. That your breaststroke wasn't great. You know what I mean?

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, don't critique your swimming. You made it to shore. Here you are. And you ended up on a shore you didn't want to be on. But you're at shore. You got this amazing little boy.

[Kelly]

He is amazing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And your healing will come from choosing. Every time those. Those voice pops in your head, I want you to have a tiny picture. I want you to go get one printed at Walgreens. A little picture of him. Not on your phone, but a real picture. And what you put in your pocket and every time that voice pops in your head of, nobody's going to want to marry me now. I can't believe I slept with this dude on, like, you know, in the back of a car after. I can't believe I went up to his apartment. I can't believe I. I want you to pull that picture out and say, and I got you. And what we're going to slowly do over time is you are going to change your default setting to I'm defined by doing something that was in violation of my own values to I'm a great mom. And when he's 14 or 12 or 11 or 16, he'll be like, was I an accident? And you can laugh because you'll have 15 years or 10 years or nine years of relationship. And you'd be like, I didn't plan you, but God did. I'm glad you're here.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right?

[Kelly]

Yeah. Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I will end this call with one last statement. You are a great mom.

[Kelly]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the. The months and years of two jobs and only seeing him for a few minutes in the morning and an hour in the evening, those will come to an end. You're in a crappy season right now. Okay.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's. I'm gonna send you. Okay. I'm gonna send you a couple. I'm gonna load you up. All right? You ready?

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna send you financial peace University. The digital class is all for free, all nine lessons. I want you to watch them. I want you to start doing it. Okay.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna send you total money makeover for free. The book I want you to read that. Single moms working two or three jobs trying to figure out daycare and school is. Money is a mess. Okay? And it's a tool and a path. I'm also going to send you my buddy Ken Coleman's book work you're wired to do. And I want you to start thinking about life after two jobs.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Kelly]

That'd be great. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's a career? I'm not finished. I'm also going to send you Building a Non Anxious Life. Okay.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm going to send you all of the Questions for Humans parents and kids cards.

[Kelly]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So when y' all are sitting at a little diner sharing a cheeseburger because that's all you can afford right now, you can pull a couple of those question those question cards out.

[Kelly]

Okay? Okay, I'm gonna do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I know he's only 15 months old. He can't even talk that well, but it'll be fun to babble.

[Kelly]

He's only just finally started saying mama.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, well, then take those cards and just put them in the drawer for a while. I'm way ahead of myself. Here's what I'm trying to communicate. You're not by yourself. Okay.

[Kelly]

Thank you. I appreciate that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Cool.

[Kelly]

Yes, sir. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Call anytime. Okay, Hang on the line here. We'll get you hooked up with this stuff.

[Kelly]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She awesome. All right, when we come back, a caller updates us on her relationship with her late friend's husband. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Delete Me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel more like digital trails leading bad guys right to us, wherever we happen to be? And now scammers are using phishing attacks with a ph where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you. You get an email, a text, or a phone call, and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's trying to help you out. With the new technological advancements, no one is really safe. What is any of us to do? First, we're going to start controlling what we can control. We're going to learn about how to be careful online and offline, and we're going to sign up with Delete me. I use and recommend Delete Me because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. That way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my data. They've reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me, and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop the phishing attacks, stop the harassment, and stop the other on online threats before they even start. And take control of your digital privacy. With Delete me, go to joindeleteme.com DeLoney today for 20 off the annual plan that comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's JoinDeleteMe.com Deloney. All right, we are back. All right, Kelly, this is a follow up call from someone who previously called Fill me in. Right. So Stephanie called a little while back just to month or so ago, and she had gone through a divorce and her best friend had passed away, and she and the best friend's husband. Oh, yeah, we're starting to kind of dip their toe in the water of a relationship and deciding how to move forward. Okay. So now she's calling us with an update on how things are going. Okay, awesome. All right, let's go out to Stephanie in here in Franklin, Tennessee. What's up, Stephanie?

[Elizabeth]

Hey, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good. Are you calling me back because I gave you horrible advice last time?

[Elizabeth]

No, you gave incredible advice, actually.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, good. Phew. So how are you doing?

[Elizabeth]

So I was doing really, really well till Easter.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What happened at Easter?

[Elizabeth]

And so we met right after, like a couple days after I called you, and it was wonderful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, you, you and this guy. You and you and your late friend's ex husband. I don't know if you call him. Yeah, but her. Okay. All right. So you all met in person?

[Elizabeth]

We met in person. And he. We had talked even before meeting that he, he was very much wanting to be in a relationship. And we had talked a lot about, you know, are you sure you're ready? It hasn't been a year yet. And he had already decided before we started talking that he was ready to move to a different location. He was ready just to kind of start life over, fresh start kind of thing. And so for him, when we started talking, everything kind of started falling into place. And I was very hesitant because even when we lived in the same area and our families would do stuff together, I never really considered him a friend just because I didn't talk to him very much. So anyhow, we met and the first 15 minutes were so awkward. Like, it was so funny. We laughed so much because we just put it all on the table like you said. And it was like, well, the last time we saw each other, we were both married. And, you know, it was just, it was, it was fun, but so behavior was consistent, talking was consistent. And I decided I really did want to be in a relationship with this guy. Incredible man. I know.

[Kelly]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna stop right there. I've got so many more questions, but. All right, so keep going. So y' all are in it to win it now.

[Elizabeth]

Yes. And he started looking for jobs in where, you know, in the Middle Tennessee area and wanting to move here. We told the kids that went better than expected. Still hard, but better than expected. Very much moving forward. And then Easter happened, and everything just came to a halt. And when I tell you every GPS pin in my body was going all off like the Fourth of July. It was. I was terrified. And I had told him before, he just stopped talking to me. And I had told him when we first started talking, like, if we get in a relationship, one thing I am so scared of is the rug being pulled out from under me because it's been so many times. And so when he stopped talking, that's how I felt. And reached out to a couple mentors we talked about, and they said, you know, the anniversary of her death hasn't even happened. It's coming up. It's awful. It's on Mother's Day, of all days this year. And just back off. Give him some space. So I did. I reached out to him one last time. I said, you know, I'm just going to give you space to grieve right now. I'm here. I love you. I want to help you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're already saying, I love you.

[Elizabeth]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Damn, Gina. All right, so hold on.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So did he cut you off completely, just ghost you, or did he start saying things like, hey, I'm really struggling with my ex. I'm. I'm grieving, like. Or did he just, like, stop responding to anything?

[Elizabeth]

He stopped responding.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you even saying, hey, when a grieve. I know you're grieving. You were just fishing. You're just guessing.

[Elizabeth]

Yes, exactly. Because he didn't really address it. And so on Wednesday, so, what, four days? Three. Four days later, he sent a voice message and said, you know, thank you for giving me some space. It's actually been a much easier week than I thought. I've gotten lots of rest, spent time with the kids, and I was like, okay. And I sent a voice message back. That's wonderful. I'm glad that's happening. I'm praying for you. You're an incredible dad. I'm so proud of you. I love you. I'm here. Really hear anything again. Until Saturday morning when he sent a voice message again. And he said, you know, I've been talking with the kids. They don't want to move. I'm realizing all the feelings I had for my wife are still very strong. I've really enjoyed time with you. And that's kind of it. Like, thank you for. I know this week has been hard on you. Thank you for your prayers. That's it. So I texted him back and I said, I'm very confused right now. Can you please clarify what you meant by that? And it's Wednesday afternoon. I haven't heard a single thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So hold on. You're wondering, right? He just broke up with you. That's what that is.

[Elizabeth]

So this is a grief.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, it's not grief. No, no, no. And he did it in a very cowardly way via voice text. Yeah. I'm sorry.

[Elizabeth]

That's what I was afraid of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm sorry.

[Elizabeth]

I was holding on to hope that once the anniversary is passed that he would start to see through the mist and realize she isn't coming back. He's ready to move on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, it's not that. I mean, he told you this actually been a pretty good week. I think he was telling you. I'm not. I'm not really grieving. I'm. I'm doing okay.

[Elizabeth]

Wow. Okay, well, that's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on. Don't just run tired. It's heartbreaking. I'll sit here with you for a second. I hate it.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. It really, really hurts.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth]

Because I let myself. How I feel right now is like. And I know it's only been four months, but he built this home for me, and he put me inside of it and said, you're loved. You're safe here. And then he set it on fire and walked away. And I have to clean it all up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth]

But I was hoping this whole time I was wrong.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. There's another way to look at it. Are you. Could you hear another way to look at it? Are you hurting pretty bad right now?

[Elizabeth]

No. I can hear.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It might also be that he built a house, invited you in, and you had a great four months. And in his own awkward, cowardly way, he said, hey, I'm. I'm. I'm gonna be done now. But nothing's on fire. You're sad. Your heart's broken. But you may have proved yourself that you can love again. You may have proven to yourself that you're a little bit stronger and more courageous and brave than you thought you were. You may have been affirmed that, yeah, I'm a good kisser. Maybe, Maybe not.

[Elizabeth]

Oh, yeah. No. Sorry. I'm trying to laugh here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no, no. Don't. You do whatever you want. But I'm. I'm just saying, like it.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't want you in. In the pain of a heartbreak to just burn the whole thing down. Because even just you retelling it just now, it sounds like there was some good in there. And if, if you found out that he was sleeping with somebody else or he's actually married and what then? Yes, he burned the whole thing down. But I don't want to beat somebody up for giving it a go for four months and just saying, like, I just. You're just not the one for me moving forward. Or maybe you're not the one for me right now. That's hard to hear. But I don't want to be somebody up for that. You know what I mean?

[Elizabeth]

No, that's fair. I just wish he'd been more direct.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a very cowardly way to end it for real. It reminds me of one of my students that walked inside one time with the head. One of my graduate students that had. That was told via text message. They were. That his spouse was divorcing. And it was like I couldn't believe it. I was like, what are you talking about? But yeah, it, it. No matter what kind of throws of grief you are in, the person that you're exclusive with is worth a phone call. Hey, this is coming up on the week anniversary of my. Of our mutual. My wife and your best friend, her passing. I just need a week. This is a lot for me right now. Right. Two. I need two weeks. I need 30 day. Like whatever. Like you don't just starve somebody of relationship. Like that's just cruel.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You especially don't break up with somebody via voice text. Come on. You know what I mean? And also I want to give some compassion. It's the week his wife of her anniversary and probably her kid, his kids are giving him hell and who knows what's going on.

[Elizabeth]

Exactly. And that's. I mean I can't imagine what they're going through. And so my heart's breaking for them on that front as well. And I don't know, it's just hard being. Getting to be so close to someone and walking through that grief with them because that's how our whole friendship started. Really?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth]

And then to be, you know, when the rubber really hits the road, I'm just shoved off to the side. Not even really an afterthought.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Maybe you may not be able to sleep right now. Again, all these are stories you're telling yourself. And you can tell yourself stories that make you mad and keep you up late at night. You can tell yourself stories that help you sleep. But just remember, you get to. Because he's absent, because he's quiet. You get to be the author of the stories you tell yourself. And because of that, I would choose to tell myself the most compassionate version of the stories. That way I don't get an aneurysm on somebody else's behalf.

[Elizabeth]

Should I give him a little bit? Like, if he were to reach out in three or four weeks, should I kind of leave my heart open a little bit for that? Or should I just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, me and my wife broke up five times, so I, I mean, I'm. That's just me and that's not everybody. And we've been together for a quarter century. So I mean, that's just. I mean, I don't know if it's a matter of. Should I keep. I. I want to live my life wholehearted all the time. And that means I'm gonna have some above average, wild, fantastic, amazing experiences. And that means I'm gonna get hurt more than the average person. And when I do get hurt, it's gonna hurt real bad. That's just a choice I have made because I'm a normally closed off kind of guy and I realized I'm missing out. I'm not protecting myself from bad stuff, but I am missing out on the good stuff. And I just want to live like that.

[Elizabeth]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so in four months, let's be honest, if he, if you get a voice message from him and he says, I'm the worst, can we talk tonight? Your heart will race out of your chest. Right? And you might be dating somebody, you might be dating somebody else. Somebody with a mustache who's way hotter. I'm just kidding. I don't know if you have a mustache, but like, you may, you, you may be, or you may not have. Your heart may not beat out your chest at all. And you may realize, oh, that was just a highly charged, emotional four months that was kind of awesome and heartbreaking. And now I'm on to the, I'm on to the rest of my life. So I wouldn't prejudge or pre guess what's going to happen. I would let your gut and your heart be your guide in four months or two months, whatever, I'm almost guaranteeing you he's going to call you at some point. Because I think if he was a person that lacked so much integrity and character to just completely ghost you via voice text forever, I think you would have known that on the front end.

[Elizabeth]

And that's the thing. Like, I knew enough from his life that he's an incredible man.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, exactly.

[Elizabeth]

And, yeah. And so that's part of why this is just so completely just confusing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is going to shock you, okay? And this is, like, really recent data. Some men don't know how to handle their emotions very well.

[Nicole]

Yeah, it's rare.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's rare.

[Nicole]

Rare.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I'm trying to imagine somebody who has fallen in love with his wife. His. His deceased wife's best friend got into making out in the whole shebang, and his kids are sobbing, saying, how dare you, dad, you're abandoning us. You left us. You're going to move. What? You're going to be a terrible granddad. Plus, he's getting all these texts from people who put a little aster on their calendar, like, so, sorry about Janet or whatever your friend's name was like. That's just a lot in his own fun. If you. If. If what you know of him over the last 2, 5, 10, 20 years is that he's a good man, then the story you get to tell yourself is he's a big, tall, proud man that stood up and found himself completely underwater.

[Nicole]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm going to tell myself that story because that's the most compassionate version I get to. And that's going to let my heart rate not get up too high. And I'm going to go about my day with my heart broken because I wish he was still calling me, or we've had a lot of conversations about grief. I wish he would grieve with me, too, because, by the way, this is your one year anniversary also.

[Elizabeth]

Yes, it is. Now we're a day apart.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So make sure you write. No. You lost your friend a year ago, right?

[Elizabeth]

No, I did, but my divorce was finalized.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, all of it.

[Elizabeth]

Before she died.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I'm saying.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, everything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All of it.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I want you to write her a one year letter.

[Elizabeth]

That's a good idea.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And tell her you made out with her husband. Yeah, but write her one year letter. Don't tell her that. Leave that out of the letter. That'd just be weird.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I want you to mark this moment for yourself, too. It's a big. It's a big moment for you as well.

[Elizabeth]

Okay, That's a good idea.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And call a couple of girlfriends and be truly break up sad. And when somebody breaks your heart or they don't call you back, or they say, hey, it's just not a good time, or I really gave it a run and you're just not my person. There is no other feeling to feel other than heartbroken. It's sad. And that's not a bad feeling. I mean, it's A bad feeling. It feels bad, but it's not a wrong feeling. It's not a pathology. It doesn't mean something's wrong with you. It means your heart is ticking in, your life is full and you're living full hearted and. And wholehearted and well. Son of a gun, he broke my heart. That's what that means. Stephanie, call me any time. You're one of my favorites. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey. While the world seems like it's falling apart, we're all under pressure to perform and we're all under pressure to perform and look like we're keeping it all together at the same time. And we all know that support is good, but we're not even allowed to ask for it. Women are often told that they have to be everything to everyone all of the time, and somehow they have to just intuitively know how to do it all. And men are often told they are the reason for every bad thing in the world and that asking for help means they are weak or less than. Here's a wild statistic. 76% of people globally agree that mental health care is can help resolve personal problems. Yet 6 out of 10 people still believe that society discourages asking for help. Listen to me carefully. Real strength comes from opening up about what you're carrying and then doing something about it so that you can be your best self for you and for everyone else in your life. If you're feeling like the weight of the world is starting to bury you, talk to someone. Anyone. A friend, a loved one, or yes, a therapist. I talk with a therapist every week and you might consider doing it, too. If you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time, easily and for no extra cost. Talk it out with better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10 off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, we're back. Let's take a one of the anonymous money marriage questions from the money and marriage weekend. Here's a question. How do we or should we tell our kids about a transformational event that occurred in my life which included me being sentenced to to jail? This is. There's not enough information here. I guess I'll go back to my core principles. Number one, never lie to your kids. Number two, as my buddy Rachel says, share, don't scare. So you're not going to want to tell a seven year old, dude, guess what happened. Your dad murdered somebody one time and got sentenced to jail. I don't know what this transformational event is. I don't know if it's abuse, I don't know if it is. You were protecting somebody and you knocked their teeth out and you went to jail for it. I don't know what this transformational event is. So I need way more context. Here's what will happen. Your kids at some point will chat GPT and or Google you. They will find out that you went to jail. Period. They will find that out or one of their friends will find that out and then they will tell them that's happening. That's coming. So if there's a big family secret, I recommend they hear it from you in doses that they can handle at ages. That they can handle it. Yeah, that's what I'll say. I don't over. I don't want to beat that to death. We'll call that is what it is. Yeah. Tell your kids the truth. Don't overshare. But secrets will make their way to the surface in family systems. They always do. Love you guys. Bye.