The Dr. John DeLoney Show – Episode Summary: "My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed"

Release Date: January 10, 2025

Introduction

In this episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, host Dr. John DeLoney delves into real-life relationship challenges and mental health concerns, providing insightful advice to callers. The episode features three main discussions: Tara's struggle with her husband's reluctance to explore new intimate experiences, Kelly's apprehensions about expanding her family, and Adam's experiences as a teacher navigating students' emotional turmoil.

1. Tara’s Struggle: Encouraging Intimacy and Variety

Caller Background: Tara from Alberta, Canada, reaches out seeking guidance on how to encourage her husband to try new things in their intimate life. She expresses a desire to add variety and excitement to their routine, but her husband remains resistant, valuing the comfort and privacy of their bedroom.

Key Discussion Points:

• Understanding Resistance: Dr. DeLoney explores the underlying reasons behind Tara's husband's reluctance. He suggests that his resistance may reflect a broader disinterest or lack of excitement in other aspects of his life, potentially indicating a stagnation in his personal fulfillment.

  Dr. John DeLoney [05:31]: "Is that the case? Do you watch the guy that you married slowly, losing life force, if you will?"

• Communication and Vulnerability: Emphasizing the importance of open communication, Dr. DeLoney advises Tara to express her needs honestly while also addressing the fear of vulnerability that both partners might be experiencing.

  Dr. John DeLoney [06:17]: "That starts with you being honest. And I think the honesty is... it's a really vulnerable thing for a woman to say that and then to be turned down."

• Deeper Relationship Issues: The conversation shifts to the broader implications of intimacy challenges, suggesting that the bedroom issues may be symptomatic of larger relational disconnects. Dr. DeLoney recommends considering marriage counseling to address these foundational issues.

  Dr. John DeLoney [14:24]: "Have made humans. You made kids. You built a life together. And to have a thing that we can't talk about or feels unsafe to talk about, I think that's the pulse."

Conclusion: Dr. DeLoney encourages Tara to seek professional help to navigate the deeper emotional barriers in her marriage, highlighting that intimacy issues often reflect broader relational dynamics.

2. Kelly’s Dilemma: Apprehensions About Expanding Her Family

Caller Background: Kelly, a 26-year-old accounting graduate, shares her anxieties about having more children. Despite her husband’s desire for more kids, Kelly fears the practical and emotional challenges, including dealing with overbearing in-laws and her own body insecurities.

Key Discussion Points:

• Redefining 'Fun': Dr. DeLoney challenges Kelly’s metric for deciding on having more children, suggesting that focusing solely on the 'fun' aspect overlooks the profound rewards and deeper emotional connections that parenting can bring.

  Dr. John DeLoney [20:22]: "Fun can't be your metric for life. If your questions are 'is this fun?' You're never gonna go through hard times that get you stronger."

• Societal and Religious Pressures: The discussion touches upon the societal and religious expectations placed on women to become mothers, with Dr. DeLoney advising Kelly to prioritize her own desires and values over external pressures.

  Kelly [27:28]: "With being a Christian, you need to get married, you need to have kids so then you can carry on Christianity through the earth."

• Practical Strategies: Dr. DeLoney offers Kelly a "homework assignment" to co-create a new vision of her life with her husband. He emphasizes flexibility and ongoing communication to navigate the complexities of expanding their family.

  Dr. John DeLoney [32:19]: "You get to decide that no decision is fixed. And nothing is forever."

Conclusion: Kelly is encouraged to engage in open dialogue with her husband to align their visions for the future, ensuring that their decision to have more children is intentional and reflective of their mutual desires rather than societal expectations.

3. Adam’s Challenge: Supporting Students Through Emotional Struggles

Caller Background: Adam, a public high school teacher in Dallas, Texas, seeks advice on how to support students dealing with significant personal challenges such as divorce, loss, and mental health issues. He highlights the emotional toll these situations take on both students and educators.

Key Discussion Points:

• Building Relational Connections: Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the importance of establishing strong, trusting relationships with students. Simple daily check-ins can make a significant difference in a student's emotional well-being.

  Dr. John DeLoney [44:14]: "The main goal being I see you, and I know you're a whole person outside of this classroom."

• Practical Classroom Strategies: Suggestions include implementing daily writing exercises where students can express their feelings, creating a safe space for open communication, and personalizing interactions to show genuine care.

  Dr. John DeLoney [45:27]: "Take two minutes and exhale and check in with yourself where you are."

• Handling Secondary Trauma: Dr. DeLoney advises Adam to develop coping mechanisms to manage the cumulative emotional burden of supporting troubled students. This may involve personal self-care routines, seeking professional support, or engaging in activities that promote mental well-being.

  Dr. John DeLoney [46:23]: "You have to have a very ironclad plan... to deal with the amount of secondary trauma."

Conclusion: Adam is guided to foster meaningful connections with his students through consistent and compassionate engagement, while also prioritizing his own mental health to effectively support those he teaches.

Interactions with Ben Hill

Throughout the episode, Ben Hill, the lead singer of the band Dump Button, engages in a conversation with Dr. DeLoney, sharing his personal experiences with societal expectations around parenting. Ben discusses the challenges faced by individuals who choose not to have children, highlighting the stigma and pressure from both personal and cultural viewpoints.

Ben Hill [36:18]: "As a mother, I know where you're coming from, but I don't think having kids is for everyone."

Dr. John DeLoney [37:08]: "Some people shouldn't. I think millions and millions can't."

Key Insights:

• Personal Autonomy: Emphasis on the importance of individuals making life choices that align with their personal values and circumstances, rather than succumbing to societal pressures.

• Challenging Societal Norms: Both Ben and Dr. DeLoney advocate for rejecting the one-size-fits-all narrative of parenting, acknowledging that fulfillment can be found in various life paths.

Conclusion: The dialogue with Ben Hill reinforces the episode's overarching theme of personal agency in making life decisions, encouraging listeners to prioritize their well-being over external expectations.

Final Thoughts

Dr. John DeLoney wraps up the episode by reiterating the importance of honest communication, self-awareness, and intentional relationship-building. Whether addressing intimacy issues, parental anxieties, or educational challenges, the episode underscores the value of empathy, understanding, and proactive problem-solving in fostering healthy relationships and mental well-being.

Notable Quotes:

• Tara [00:06]: "So just to switch things up, to add variety, to make it more exciting."

• Dr. John DeLoney [05:31]: "Are we both flying down the road together arm in arm."

• Kelly [27:05]: "It's a terrible investment, but it's worth it."

• Adam [41:42]: "How do you work with that? What are some strategies that I can take as the adult in the room?"

This episode provides actionable advice and heartfelt discussions for listeners navigating complex relationship and personal challenges, emphasizing the importance of communication, empathy, and intentionality in achieving emotional and relational well-being.