My Husband’s Conspiracy Theories Are Scaring Me

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show Episode: "My Husband’s Conspiracy Theories Are Scaring Me" (October 22, 2025)
Host: Dr. John Delony, Ramsey Network

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Episode Overview

This episode addresses caller-driven questions on relationships and mental health, focusing primarily on managing fear, trust, and communication amid conspiracy thinking within a marriage. The show also touches on topics like sexual disconnection in marriage, protecting teens from unhealthy relationships, and building parent-child connection after trauma or conflict. Dr. Delony offers grounded advice, blending empathy, tough love, and practical strategies.

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1. Improving Communication Amid Conspiracy Thinking in Marriage

[00:21 - 14:36]

Main Call & Issue (Alex from Orlando, FL)

• Caller Alex asks how to stay connected and communicate with her husband, despite his deepening belief in conspiracy theories (specifically about the banking system).
• She loves her husband, but his fears and actions around finances are creating significant marital tension.
• Recent conflict escalated when retirement savings were discussed, leading to a blowout argument during which Alex mentioned divorce—a word she regrets using.

Key Discussion Points

• Nature of Conspiracy Belief & Fear
  Delony likens dabbling in conspiracy theories to low-stakes gambling, but says when “someone is mortgaging their future on gambling apps, it’s catastrophic” ([06:08]).
  He underscores that at its root, Alex’s husband isn’t just misinformed—he’s increasingly “scared to death” ([05:36]).

• Information Bubbles & “Research”
  Dr. Delony critiques the concept of “doing my own research” as often being limited to consuming curated internet content, rather than engaging with true experts ([06:56]).

• Pattern vs. Isolated Incident
  Delony suggests this isn’t about just one issue (money or the banking system):

  • There’s a recurring pattern of “secret insider information that nobody else seems to be able to see” ([09:11]).
  • The concern: Is he seeking control in a chaotic world, historically via various beliefs, relationships, or questionable financial ventures?

• Impact on Relationship Dynamic
  Delony gently calls out Alex for unintentionally creating “a life for you and our child that I don’t exist in,” echoing his own lived experience ([12:47]). The continued tension and boundary setting have led to a deep sense of disconnection in the marriage.

Guidance & Action Steps

• Daily Check-ins & Routine Connection

  • Suggests daily 30-second hugs and regular walks together, non-political, for reconnection ([12:10]).
  • Allows for a “five-minute conspiracy share,” then move on ([12:18]).

• Negotiated Compromises

  • Continue with practical financial steps (e.g., debt payoff, retirement) but allow a budget line for his “sleep tax” (e.g., stashing cash, prepping), so both spouses feel safer ([14:36]).

• Addressing Escalation and Boundaries

  • Alex should reserve the right to pause heated conversations, to prevent escalation and avoid relationship-threatening language ([14:36]).

• Big Picture Reminder

  • “Your marriage is more important than any of the nonsense out there. Usually where couples find themselves…it's two people who are feeling very unsafe in their marriage. Start there.” ([15:42])

Notable Quotes

• Alex: “How can I communicate effectively to him so that he feels heard, I feel heard. And neither one of us feels crazy.” ([02:00])
• Dr. Delony: “You’re not communicating with someone who’s dabbling in facts. You’re dealing with somebody who’s scared to death.” ([05:36])
• Dr. Delony: “This is not about conspiracy theories. It’s not. It’s about disconnection between you and him.” ([14:36])
• Dr. Delony (personal reflection): “I have such disdain for the ecosystem that traps minds in it, especially minds that are scared, especially minds that want to take care of their families.” ([10:16])

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2. Reclaiming Sexual Intimacy After Trauma and Deployment

[19:06 - 32:00]

Main Call & Issue (Sarah from Salt Lake City, UT)

• Sarah expresses distress over her lack of sexual desire for her husband, who is about to return from deployment.

Key Discussion Points

• History and Context

  • Sarah has a background of sexual trauma and postpartum difficulties, which she suspects underpin her current lack of desire.
  • She wants to “want” intimacy again, for herself and her husband ([22:35]).

• Delony’s Exploration

  • Gently and respectfully explores trauma history, postpartum, the nature of desire, and whether secrets are being carried or minimized within the marriage.

Guidance & Action Steps

• Recommendation for Trauma-Informed Therapy

  • “You gotta go sit down with somebody…who is trauma-informed. You can ask for that specifically.” ([25:02])

• Language for Honest Communication

  • Encourages Sarah to set expectations with her husband by asking, “What is your picture of the first week you get home?” and sharing her own expectations ([29:29]).
  • Advises Sarah to communicate her need for space and to share that she's seeking help for her past.

• Aligning Re-Entry Expectations

  • “You have a picture...and more importantly, what it’s going to feel like. And you have a picture...Neither of your pictures are right. And especially your pictures don’t match.” ([30:00])
  • It's normal for the transition to be “awkward” ([29:27]).

Notable Quotes

• Dr. Delony: “The secrets you’re carrying around, trying to protect your husband from them, trying to protect your marriage from them…are going to kill you.” ([27:53])
• Dr. Delony (on trauma): “Sex for your body...sounds every alarm it has because it’s still trying to protect that teenage little girl…That doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. It means your body’s working pretty well.” ([25:30])
• Dr. Delony: “On the other side...it’s a worthwhile [process]. You’re worth going through the healing process here.” ([25:12])

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3. Parenting & Protecting a Teen in an Abusive Relationship

[35:05 - 54:00]

Main Call & Issue (Jennifer from Atlanta)

• Jennifer seeks advice on helping her 16-year-old son, who was physically abused by his girlfriend. Concerned about his past suicidal ideations, Jennifer struggles with maintaining boundaries versus alleviating his pain.

Key Discussion Points

• Boundary Setting and Safety

  • Dr. Delony is unequivocal: “He’s in a physically abusive relationship.” ([36:29])
  • Jennifer and her husband separated the couple and placed the son in therapy, but are feeling immense guilt over his heartbreak and are tempted to allow their son to return to the relationship.

• The Parent-Child Emotional Dynamic

  • Dr. Delony gently confronts Jennifer’s codependency:
    • “I’m getting the strong sense that you need him to be okay so that you can be okay. That’s the definition of codependency. And a 16 year old can’t carry that weight.” ([41:03])
    • Encourages parents to be the emotional anchor, not the recipient of the child’s emotional burden.

• Real Connection vs. Conversation

  • Healing comes more from shared time and “delighting in presence” (e.g., regular breakfasts, working together on projects) than from constant, heavy conversations ([43:14]-[44:19]).

• False Hope and Safety Non-Negotiables

  • Do not compromise or backtrack on safety to avoid short-term emotional discomfort. Compares the situation to a daughter being hit, to show the gravity ([49:37]).
  • “Your 16-year-old is exactly developmentally appropriate: devastated by first love, not ready to protect himself, unable to carry a parent's emotional load.” ([40:28]-[46:19])

Guidance & Action Steps

• Parental Unity and Healing

  • Urges Jennifer (and her husband) to invest in their own healing (specifically addressing the mother’s codependent wounds via therapy).
  • Suggests Jennifer write a letter to her younger self as an exercise in self-compassion and releasing childhood burdens ([50:04]).

• Fostering Delight and Tethering Relationships

  • Prioritize shared enjoyable activities (even if the son resists) and reduce focus on the conflict.
  • High fives, hugs, and joint tasks are powerful forms of connection, more critical than endless words ([46:05]).
  • “The way through the fatigue is not giving in. The way through is delight.” ([48:52])

Notable Quotes

• Dr. Delony: “Adults, whether they’re parents or therapists, don’t give up on 16 year olds.” ([38:24])
• Dr. Delony: “You and your husband need to be of one mind that we are going to practice delighting in the presence of our 16 year old son because we’ve taken away all his crutches and then we’re upset that he can’t walk.” ([54:00])
• Dr. Delony: “You should never have had that put on you as a kid. And your kid cannot carry that weight.” ([47:57])

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4. Show Close/Banter: Battle of the Bands, Company Culture, Humor

[54:15 - End]

A lighthearted conversation between Dr. John, Kelly, and colleagues about their company’s legendary "Battle of the Bands" event in Nashville. They reminisce about music, teamwork, getting second place, and the camaraderie of office culture—serving as an energetic, humorous wind-down to the intense main topics.

Notable Quotes

• Dr. Delony: “I would rather be the band that everybody talks about over the weekend than the one on some trophy on a shelf somewhere.” ([58:09])
• Kelly: “Y’all are the epitome of always a bridesmaid, never the bride.” ([57:21])

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Episode Takeaways

• When a spouse is deep into fear-driven, conspiratorial thinking, the true problem is often emotional disconnection and shared anxiety—not just the content of the beliefs.
• Boundaries, empathy, and daily rituals of connection can gradually renew marital trust and safety.
• Healing sexual intimacy after trauma is a process that requires honest communication and trauma-informed therapy.
• For parents, doing the hard thing—enforcing boundaries for safety even when it causes heartbreak—is an act of love. Healing comes from connection and delight, not codependency.
• A little humor and camaraderie help lighten heavy conversations and reinforce the value of persistence and togetherness.

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If you’re struggling with similar issues, Dr. Delony’s advice underscores:

• Start from a place of safety—emotional, relational, and physical.
• Communicate openly, structure connection, and seek professional help when wounds run deep.
• Your marriage and your children’s well-being are worth the effort.
  Your vulnerability and commitment to “showing up” for each other are your greatest assets.

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For full episodes and resources:
Visit ramseysolutions.com/shows/the-dr-john-delony-show

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Timestamps

• [00:21] Caller Alex: Conspiracy thinking & marriage communication
• [03:59] Dr. Delony on fear, facts, and connection
• [12:10] Connection rituals in marriage
• [19:06] Caller Sarah: Sexual disconnection, trauma & healing
• [29:29] Communicating sexual expectations after deployment
• [35:05] Caller Jennifer: Parenting, abuse, codependency
• [46:05] Parent-child delight & healing
• [54:15] Battle of the Bands company banter

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(All quotes transcribed and attributed; for direct advice, see full episode.)

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Big news. New dates for money and marriage. Getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend, 2026. Get [e-mail] events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee.

[Alex]

How can I improve communication with my husband when we strongly disagree on important issues like the conspiracy theory sort that can greatly affect our future so that he feel heard, I feel heard, and neither one of us feels crazy?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, one of you may be crazy. That's the. That's the problem. Yo, yo, yo. This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on your life, your marriage, your emotional mental health, whatever you got going on in your life, crazy spouses, kids that are struggling, schools, whatever you got. I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on the show, go to john deloney.com/a S K. Let's roll out to Orlando, Florida and talk to Alex. What up, Alex?

[Alex]

Hi, Dr. John. How are you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Great. How are you?

[Alex]

My heart is racing, but I'm hoping that my mind does not go blank. So I'm excited to talk to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, if your mind goes blank, that'll make two of us. Well, we'll just quote dumb and dumber lines for a while to get us back to reality. So what's up?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Yeah.

[Alex]

Okay, so I just kind of wrote down some notes and try to be sweet, concise, to the point, and then I guess if you want to ask questions, then we can go from there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Perfect.

[Alex]

Okay. So my question is, how can I improve communication with my husband and stay connected when we strongly disagree on important issues like things of, like, the conspiracy theory sort that can greatly affect our future financially? So a little bit of background. First of all, I want to say that I love my husband. He's an amazing husband, and he's an amazing father to our two sons. And I know that this is kind of, like a controversial, crazy topic. So I want to say that first, we've been married for eight years, and he's always kind of, like, dabbled in, like, some random conspiracy theories. Like, I mean, so have I. Who hasn't kind of went down rabbit holes, but essentially, just in the last, like, couple of years, he's gotten really strong opinions about, like, how he thinks that basically the basic the banking system is going to fail. And so recently we've been on baby step two. We've been really kind of pushing the Dave Ramsey baby steps. And when we were talking about four or Five and six. I brought up how we'll have to start doing, you know, like 15% into the IRA. And he was, all of a sudden was like, well, you know, I'm not, I'm not comfortable putting any money into the banking system because when it fails, we'll lose all of that. Which, that kind of just broke down into a really big argument that I didn't handle very. Neither one of us handled it very well. And we, it was a really bad blow up that we don't typically have. And I made the mistake and brought up the word divorce, which I told him I would never do because I guess I don't know how to set healthy boundaries in a marriage or how to communicate. Communicate effectively, I don't know. And he was really, really hurt by that. He told me, and he felt like I was basically just giving up on our marriage and I definitely don't want to divorce him. So I'm just trying to figure out how. How can I communicate effectively to him so that he feels heard, I feel heard. And neither one of us feels crazy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, one of you may be crazy. That's the, that's the problem. It sounds like he scared you.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Yeah, I, I did.

[Alex]

I told him that I felt financially unsafe.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go.

[Alex]

Yeah. And he, he felt he heard me, but he also kind of came back with, well, you know, that feels like you don't trust me. Like, I've done all this research and you know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What research? YouTube.

[Alex]

Yeah, like Telegram channels. YouTube channels, things like that, where he really claims that, you know, there's these things that he truly trusts and feels that very strongly with. And if I, he's tried to show me them before and I sometimes will point out some inconsistencies, but then he kind of rolls his eyes like math. Oh, yeah.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

I just.

[Alex]

Well, and I've even pointed to, like, Dave Ramsey is even, you know, the, the podcast and things like, hey, you know, like, they talk about stuff like this and, you know, this isn't going to fail. And I even kind of told them, like, even if it did, money's not going to be something that we're going to be worried about. We're going to be worried about, like, food, water, shelter, like, people coming to our house. Like, we're going to have bigger problems.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right, Right. Go back to the very beginning, the question. You read your very first question, your very first sentence, reread it to me.

[Alex]

How can I improve communication with my husband and stay connected.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Keep going.

[Alex]

When we strongly disagree on important issues that can greatly affect Our future financially.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay? That's the crux here. And you need to know you're not communicating with somebody who is dabbling in facts. You're dealing with somebody who is scared to death. Okay?

[Alex]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Conspiracy theories are super fun. I love dabbling in them. Like you said, they're, they're a game. It's kind of like gambling. Right. When you're watching a football game with your buddies, you're like, I got five bucks on this game. Whatever. That's fun.

[Alex]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When somebody is mortgaging their future on gambling apps, it's catastrophic. Right?

[Alex]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And we're in a world now where, well, here's the truth. Some conspiracy theories are true. They just, they've just proven to be true. And most of the time, conspiracy theories, especially when people say the words, I've done my own research. Nothing, few sentences just irk me more than that sentence. I've done my own research, which is almost always. I googled a bunch of stuff. I chat GPT it or I watch a lot of YouTube channels, secret YouTube channels that nobody knows about.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Right, right. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Rarely do people, quote unquote, do their own research, meaning they go to a lab or they sit down with economic theorists. The economics, the economic professors are the problem. Do they sit down with monetary policy people? Do they understand how global trade work? Right. All this stuff.

[Alex]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So basically what they've done is they have used the Internet to give them things that help them make sense of feeling out of control and anxious in a very chaotic world.

[Alex]

Right. And I, and I would, I would agree with that. I mean, which, and I would also say, I mean, he's, we did have a conversation after the big blow up, unfortunately, it seems to take big blow ups for him to kind of like, kind of come to see things on my side a little bit. Which I'm not proud of that either because I know that I have a hand in that too. But, you know, we, he was able to chat with me and he was like, listen, if it makes you feel safe, we can do that. He goes, however, can we also still, you know, stash some money to the side cash wise? Which I'm like, okay, great, that's a compromise. But then I'm also worried what's the next thing going to be?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, and that's where I want to get to the bottom of this. Because this is not isolated to finances, I guarantee you. This is not isolated to the banking system imploding or whatever. And by the way, it might, it might probably not. And if it does, you Said it best if you have a bunch of solar panels in a good water well, a whole herd of angry people are going to come to your house and shoot you for it. What was the thing before the money?

[Alex]

A big thing before the money? It was another financial situation where he got into a business idea with a friend from church.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

And it.

[Alex]

He ended, that guy ended up being a scam artist.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what was the thing before that?

[Alex]

Thing before that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what I'm getting at. The thing where he has the secret insider information that nobody else seems to be able to see. It could be the woman. You said, hey, don't go around her. No, it's cool, man. It could be the buddy or the buddies that you were like, hey, I don't get a good feeling around them. He's like, no, you don't understand. It can be the business idea followed by another business idea. It could be the essential oils that are going to cure cancer.

[Alex]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It can. It. It's almost always a line of things and then the Internet catches you and then it connects you to bigger and bigger things.

[Alex]

I mean, that was starting in 2018. He was looking at stuff on the Internet and kind of loosely following it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Alex]

And I can, I kind of came on. On his own though, I think, I don't think there was anybody directly influencing him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, well, and I, I did the same thing. I hook, line and sinker starting back in 2012. Anything the Internet said, anything a podcaster said, I was all in on.

[Alex]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I've got drawers of gadgets. I've got years of having to undo things because I. Whatever. One day I'll just do a whole show of the stupid things I've done over the last decade, trying to be extra healthy or do the like, like get financially, whatever. Right. I, I'm a poster child for it. This is why I have such disdain for the ecosystem that traps minds in it, especially minds that are scared, especially minds that want to take care of their families. And everyone around them is like, better get on your board and start paddling because the water's coming. Right?

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For a guy who loves his family, the air we breathe is fraught with, your family's going to die and it's going to be your fault because you didn't listen to my seven step plan or my whatever or my fill in the blank.

[Alex]

Well, and then he also, he also does talk a lot about like, the expectations of men. He's like, you know, we're just expected to sit down and shut up and nobody cares about Our feelings or how true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then men get in these chat rooms and they get in these channels and they create these ecosystems where they just listen other anxious, fried, unlistened to men. And here's what's really going on out there. And it creates really dangerous situations for families.

[Alex]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. So the truth of the matter is this. He's not on the phone. I want you to hear me say, I love this guy and I'm heartbroken for him and I've been there. And the path forward is as you've identified, coming up with weekly, if not daily, actually daily check ins. And they don't have to be loud. They don't have to be. They don't have to be. What do you call it? Sensational. I'm talking daily check ins. A 30 second hug when you wake up and a 30 second hug when he gets home from work. That's it.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm talking about a going for a walk in the evenings together and not talking about anything. Politics.

[Alex]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You giving space for. Hey. You get five minutes on your latest conspiracy theory. I want to hear it. Let it rip. And then after five minutes, it's over. Really? Yep. Go. Ah. And then we're there. And then a weekly check in on. How are we doing with our budget? Are we paying off our debts? Because that's one of our goals.

[Alex]

Well, we. I actually. The really cool thing is I basically do all of that because he doesn't, he doesn't really like having.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, listen. That's not cool. That's not cool. Here's what's happening in your house. And I know this because it happened in mine. I remember the conversation in the backyard of a house I couldn't afford under multiple six figures worth of debt. When I told my wife around a fire pit. I feel like you are creating a life for you and our child that I don't exist in. And she said I have to. You are slowly creating a world by yourself so that you can feel safe. You're creating a bubble inside your family for you and your kids. And your husband feels that disconnection. And I'm not faulting you. You have to because you have an unstable husband right now. But that isn't the solution. The solution is to wade through both of you, wade through that electricity and decide together we're going to co create something together. Because we're not. Okay.

[Alex]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And in my house, I fully fund my retirement accounts. And I do have two. I have three deep freezers. I do. And my wife says with your, with your Fun money, John. You buy whatever you want to. I'm like, okay, if it all. And I have a little bit of that tendency in me, but for the sake of my house and for the sake of looking at data which says it, it might go wrong, but it probably won't. I'm still putting money away for retirement. And if it's gone, I'll deal with that. Then I'll have bigger fish to fry.

[Alex]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The challenge I think y' all going to face here is this is not about conspiracy theories. It's not. It's about disconnection between you and him. Here's the deal. You're going to have to take this risk and say, I miss you and I haven't been communicating well and I love you and I think you're a good man. And also, here's the things I need to feel safe inside my own house. I need us to not owe anybody any money. Which, by the way, if it all comes down, that's probably one of your best hedges, is to not owe anybody anything. The next thing is, I want to put money in retirement. The next thing is, I miss you. How can I love you today? Here's how you can love me today. The next thing is, let's put in a budget line after we get all our debts paid off and we get some, our own emergency funds. We don't have to rely on the banks. If you want to buy a deep freezer and some solar panels, knock your lights out, that can be a fun hobby. If you want to put some cash in a high yield savings account and just put on the side, okay, that's your, that's your sleep tax. That's your, your, your sleep well at night, even though it's not earning what it could be, etc. But I, I hate what these things are doing to people. I hate the, the ecosystem that allows the stuff to, to be out there. I hate the fact that there's just unfettered, there's no accountability. All of that in the, in the media ecosystem we have. But it is what it is. We have to be honest with each other, saying, I miss you. I'm disconnected from you. And if, if, if I know there's couples out there where one spouse is so down a rabbit hole, they're like, I will not put any money in retirement because fill in the blank, then you are in an economically unsafe environment and you have to deal with that truth in that reality. And you, Alex, man, the next time you feel like you're about to throw the, the Divorce word around the next time you're about to explode. That's when you can take the lead and say, I'm going to stop this conversation. It's getting too heated. Let's exhale, let's circle. Back in 30 minutes. I'm taking a break. I'll be back in 30 minutes. Let's pause right now. Let's go to bed. Let's pick this back up tomorrow because both of us are getting on the edge. When I say something dumb, you get upset. And we're just starting a whirlwind and let's just pause. You get to pick that too. And I don't know another way forward other than just to get off media completely and begin doing old school stuff like asking your neighbor, asking true experts, but those are even tough to come by, so hope that helps. Alex, I'll just say this. Your marriage is more important than any of the nonsense out there. And usually where couples find themselves, where y' all are, it's two people who are very feeling very unsafe in their marriage. Start there. We come back, a woman asks how to move forward with her husband if she doesn't desire him sexually. We talk a lot on this show about boundaries. Things like emotional boundaries, relational boundaries, financial boundaries. But there's one boundary that nobody talks about, and I should talk about it more, and I don't. So I'm doing it right now. Boundaries around your digital life right now. Your personal information, things like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school is sitting on countless websites that you've never heard of. You didn't give them permission to have this information. They took it and it's out there. Let's be honest, this is not just an annoyance, it's a violation. It creates this constant hum of anxiety in the background of our lives, knowing that every decision we make is being tracked by somebody that we don't even know about. That's why I use Delete me. Delete Me goes after the data brokers and the people finder sites that collect and resell your information without your permission. Delete Me tracks down your information and they remove it. And every few months, they send you a report showing you exactly what they've done. Taking control of your digital life is about boundaries, and boundaries are about peace. So go to JoinDeleteMe.com/Deloney and use code Deloney to get 20% off. That's join J-O-I N JoinDeleteMe.com Deloney to save 20% off. All right, let's Go to Sarah in Salt Lake City, Utah. What's up, Sarah?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Hi. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

How are you Doing well, thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

So I am just lacking the desire to be physically active with my husband, and I'm just looking for how to move forward with him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, physically active? Like going hiking and fishing or sleeping together?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

No, sexually.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, tell me about it.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

My husband is deployed right now, and he should be coming home soon. And I'm so excited that he's coming home, but I'm also dreading it because I just don't feel this sexual desire for him. And I'm. I'm scared for when he gets home and he's going to, you know, want to be with me, and I just don't have that feeling in me. I don't know. And I'm worried about it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that new for you?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Not necessarily. I've had kind of feelings in the past, but it's never been like this. And I kind of mentioned it to him. I mean, our communication is limited with him not being here, obviously, so I mentioned it a little bit, and he said, well, that's kind of an issue, and we, you know, need to figure something out. And I don't know. That just kind of made it worse. And now I just didn't, like, terrified for him to get home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That sounds hard.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Yeah. And I love my husband. I don't want, you know, people to think that I don't love him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't care what people think in this conversation. It's just you and I talking about. Okay, I'm gonna run through a series of questions that I always ask folks in this situation. Okay. And feel free to answer what you want to. And you can just say pass if you don't answer it.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have a history of sexual trauma?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Does any of that involve your husband?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Do you have any history of infidelity, either one of you?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. How long has he been gone?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Almost a year. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have any sexual desire for anyone else or anyone at any time, or is that switch just completely off, or are you just specifically not attracted to him?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

It's not that he's not attractive. He's attractive, but it's just. There's no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I'm not talking about, like, is he hot or not? But, like, is the idea of sleeping with other people, like, exciting to you, or is the whole switch off?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

The whole switch is off.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, I've heard you in the last couple of minutes. We've only Been talking for a few minutes, but you've mentioned your fear of he's going to want to sleep with his wife after being gone for a year, which obviously. Right, right. But I haven't. I've heard you say you don't have this desire and you're worried about him getting home. Okay. So let's move that. It's hard, but let's move that over to the side for a second. Okay.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me ask you. Are you interested in reigniting sensuality, sexual desire? Is that something you are interested in getting re. Interested in?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Yeah. I mean, I want to. I want to want that for myself and for my husband, you know?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. Okay. Have you ever gone to sit with somebody and walk through your past?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

No. I went to like, the police once, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

It was just kind of a like, no proof type situation and you didn't record it and there's kind of no hope and that was it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long ago was that?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Like 12 years ago.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Only one time when you were a child, too?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

It was kind of during, like my teen years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

And I guess more than once.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Well, not, I guess more than once.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Can I just tell you I'm sorry?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Thanks. It sucks, but, you know, it is what it is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no, no, no. Nope. Not with me. You can do that with yourself, but you can't just pass it off with me. I'm not scared of it. And I'll sit here with you. I'm sorry that happened.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

I. Thanks.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have any kids?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Yeah, I have two.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Two kids. What was postpartum like?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

A mess. After I had my first one, my husband had to leave for the military. And so I was just figuring that out and. And I had a hard time getting pregnant, too, with both of my kids. There was lots of issues and things that happened, you know, and so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

I don't know. It was all crazy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So in just our short time together, I'm going to tell you right now, I. I think the thing that you got to do is you got to go sit down with somebody.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Somebody that is trauma informed. And you can ask for that specifically.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who will walk with you? And this is not an easy path, and it's a hard path and it's a scary path. And I'm telling you, on the other side of it, it's. It's a worthwhile. You're worth going through the healing process here.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The old adage that Bessel cult. Bessel Vander Kolk. Sorry. Bessel Vander Colk coined the body Keeps the score is very true. It may just be that sex for your body, intimacy for your body, sounds every alarm it has because it's still trying to protect that teenage little girl. And it's not a time of play and reconnection and fun and excitement. It's terror and it's fear, and that doesn't mean something's wrong with you. In a weird way, that means your body's working pretty well. It's trying to protect you.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Okay. Yeah, I guess I look into finding someone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I. Can I walk you through how uncomfortable. But slash direct. That first meeting can go, please. When they'll do an intake. Often they'll do an intake over the phone. And when they say, well, what are you calling about? Say, I'm struggling with libido and desire, and I have a history of sexual trauma. I have two little kids, and I'm in a military marriage, and I'm ready to finally heal.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Does your husband know about your past?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

He knows parts of it. There's. There's a lot in my past that happened, and I don't even know if we would ever have the time to get through all of it. And sometimes I think that I just blocked stuff out, and then just, like, certain things will happen that will remind me, and I'll, like, say something to him about it or something. I don't know. Like, sometimes I feel like I just kind of forget or different things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And again, that's your body protecting you, because keeping that front of mind is exhausting, and it's terrifying. Okay.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And also, the secrets you're carrying around, trying to protect your husband from them, trying to protect your marriage from them, trying to protect your kids from them are going to kill you. Literally. It's so you wake up every morning and put on a backpack full of cinder blocks just to go do your day. You don't even think about it anymore.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Yeah. Sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, don't be sorry. Just don't apologize to me. I'm just honored you're sitting here with me. Can I give you some language for your husband, too, please? When he gets home, I want you to give him a hug if that feels safe. And tell him I'm so glad you're home and that you've missed him and all those. All that coming home stuff, right?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, I know there's a whole bunch of Instagram accounts of people showing up and coming home. I know that's not how it is. Most of the time, you and your two kids have a rhythm and A routine that's been going on for a year. And you've got an exhausted fried husband who can't wait to just reinsert himself in the whole process. And that's a messy, messy re. Engagement. It always is.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

I think it will be. I'm a little nervous about it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. It's okay for it to be nervous, for you to be nervous. It's going to be awkward. And the more honest you can be about the awkwardness. Here's. Here's a. Some language for you asking him, what is your picture of the first week you get home?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Like, ask him that before he gets there, when he's here, before he gets home. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because here's what's going to happen. He's going to have a picture of what that coming home is going to look like, and more importantly, what it's going to feel like. And you have a picture of what that's going to be. And neither of your pictures are right. And especially your pictures don't match. He has a picture of these two kids that he doesn't know very well. These two little ones running at him. One of them may not even be able to run.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

He can run now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, and that's. But isn't he. This guy's gonna be a strange man.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then he's gonna imagine you going home, and there's going to be magical food on the table and magical kids go to bed, and you're gonna magically be in a negligee, being like, I've missed you. Right. All that's going to be in his head. That's going to be a picture. Right. And I'm making something up. I don't know. And you're going to have a picture of a really awkward tense. Don't know what to do. He's going to have all these expectations. So your body is slowly building up this anxiousness around a story, around a picture. And so sometimes just matching the pictures. We think in pictures, but we speak in words. Asking him, what's your picture of when you get home? And then you telling him, my picture in my head is this. And then having a couple of plans, like, I'm going to make coffee the. The next morning, I know you've missed me, and you want to jump right back into bed with me. It's been a year. I need a minute. And when you feel safe at some point, say, hey, I started seeing a therapist. There's some stories, you know, some of it. I'm not fully ready to tell it all, but I've have some stuff from my past that I'm ready to start healing from.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Do I have to tell them about a therapist? He doesn't really believe in therapy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, he's gonna have to get over that again. I think we got to be done with the secrets inside of our own house. And maybe that's it. Maybe telling him, I didn't cheat on you. I would never cheat on you. But I've been keeping some secrets from you. There's some awful stuff that happened to me when I was a kid, and I'm working with a professional, and he's probably got some things that he saw on deployment that he's not going to want to tell you about. And getting to a place where he has someone he can talk to about that or ways y' all can discuss it. But it's just about saying our marriage is going to look a little bit different now or a lot different now. You're home. How can I love you today? What's your picture of today look like? And let's try to align our pictures day by day. It's going to take months to reenter fully, and that's okay. It should be awkward. It should be a little bit weird. And also, you're worth the time to go do your healing. It's time to let that teenage girl exhale and finally be free. She's been protecting you and your husband and those kids for a long, long time. Make that call today. I'm so, so grateful you called, Tara. We come back, a woman asks how to protect her son, but also support his feelings. All right, I want to talk about Helix mattresses. Summer is gone. We're in the middle of the fall. We got football games going on. We got school stuff all over the place. All of us are wanting to numb out more and more. Listen, we have to be intentional about protecting our sleep, because here's the truth. How we sleep is an incredibly important part of how we feel. One of the most important things I do to stay mentally sharp, emotionally steady, and able to show up for my wife and my kids and my team is getting a good night's sleep. And that's why I love talking to you about Helix mattresses. Helix builds mattresses for you specifically, not the generic average sleeper, but for you. Whether you're a hot sleeper, a side sleeper, a back sleeper, or somewhere in between, Helix designs mattresses around your needs. Get online and take the Helix Sleep quiz. I did it. It takes, like, two minutes or less, and they're going to match you with exactly the right mattress for you right now. My audience can get an exclusive 20% off of their entire order at helix sleep.com so go check them out right now. That's Helix H E L I x helix sleep.com deloney for 20% off your entire order and tell them you heard about Helix Mattresses right here on the Dr. John DeLoney show with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. Let's go to Jennifer in Atlanta, four to five hours away, depending on who's driving. What's up, Jennifer?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Hi, John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How's it going?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Thank you for having me. I'm not living the dream.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, no. What's going on?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

So it's kind of long story that keeps evolving. So back in the, at the end.

[Alex]

Of May, we went on a family.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Vacation with our children and their ages, 22 down to 16 years old. We decided to allow significant others to go along on the trip with us. And over the course of the trip, two of my older children, my adult children, witnessed my 16 year old's girlfriend slapping him. And it was in anger. And she, you know, exclaimed something like angry at him before she did it. And they told me about it. The last day is when I found out what was going on. So the next day we drove home and we sent her home immediately. And we broke the news to my son that we needed this to, we needed a separation. The original intention was for it just to be, we're breaking you up and we're done. He has been suicidal in the past. He's been on medication and he's been healing from that. But there's concern with, you know, what that would do. Through our conversation, we decided that we'll.

[Alex]

Reevaluate in three months.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Why? Why? Why? Why? I'm sorry, I'm interrupting here, but why? He's in a physically abusive relationship.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Because I'm scared. And, and the amount of devastation that was. I've never seen him so racked with sobs and the idea of losing this person that he thought he was meant to be with. And I know he's 16 and I know how 16 year olds feel about their relationships.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know in 16 year olds are supposed to deeply weep when they get broken up when they break up.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

But it's like it's, it's our fault. It feels like it's our fault.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's okay. That's okay. It's okay. Y' all got in the middle of him in an abusive, unsafe relationship. Good for you. And, and it's supposed to feel bad when you See your son sobbing because of a parental intervention. But y' all did the right thing.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

I know that, you know, the three months I've thought about that, and why did we do that? But I was just scared he would hurt himself because I knew he had been that way in the past. And so we immediately got him into therapy. We cut off all ties and told her mother that they're not to communicate, and at least for the three months, they are not to communicate, and that we would be getting him help. So we went into therapy and he wanted me to go in with him. And during the course of that, about session six, the therapist looked at me in front of him and said, I don't think he's going to change his mind. And that was the end of that. She was like, I don't think I can help y', all, because he's. He's dug in. He's not going to change his mind about this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Change his mind about what?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

About wanting her back.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's 16. He's 16. He's sixteen.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Yeah, he is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Adults, adults, whether they're parents or therapists, don't give up on 16 year olds.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Yeah. And I haven't. And. And so, you know, he started to seem to come out of it. He was like, I don't think I need therapy. I'm doing okay. And, you know, I was happy. I thought he was healing. And then about a couple of weeks ago, he said, we have 13 days left. And I was like, what are you talking about? And he said, until the three months is up, like he's expecting something to happen. And we gave him that hope. And I know that was the wrong thing. And then less than a week later, we discovered, through one of our. Our older children helping us check his phone, that he has actually been communicating with her. Of course, I don't know for how long.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, of course he has. Yeah.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Snapchat has been the way, because it disappears. And I'm, you know, I'm Generation X. I don't know how all of that works. I don't know how to check a phone to see if you've been communicating.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, most importantly, no teenager should have Snapchat, period. I think it's one of the most evil, awful apps a person can. A child can have, okay? For that very reason.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Okay? So now he's redevastated because he knows that he's violated that and that now he's scared to death that there's no hope at all. And I haven't known what to say. My husband has been very firm the entire time that this is not okay and that it doesn't matter, you know, because my son keeps saying, you know, when I was suicidal, I prayed for somebody to come into my life and help me. And she did. And she helps me to not do that. And she has helped me along the way to be a better Christian and to read the Bible more and to. She's become a Christian through our relationship and she's all these great things. We have so much in common. I feel like God wanted us to be together and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Jennifer, I know. Jennifer, listen to me. The sweetheart. He's 16. He's 16. He is being exactly developmentally appropriate for a 16 year old.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

You know, this morning he wrote us a note because he knew I was talking to you. He's given your blessings as long as it's anonymous to him. He's given his blessing for us to talk to you. But hold on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer. Why, why would you go to your 16 year old for his blessing?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Because he was there when I got the call from your show.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. I know, hon, but listen, this little. The 16 year old boy is carrying your emotional weight. It's too heavy. I'm getting the strong sense that you need him to be okay so that you can be okay. And that's the definition of codependency. And a 16 year old can't carry that weight.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

That's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's so heavy.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

I've been. I've had to take counsel in so many people to make sure it's the right thing to keep them apart because it hurts so bad to see him so sad. And he's laid in my lap and cried and I know I could take it away if I just gave him what he wants, but I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But hold on. He's not on the phone right now. I'm worried about you.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

It's just so hard to watch my child suffer that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Very true. No question about that. It's the worst. It's the worst part of being a parent. Watching your kid's heart get ripped out by a romantic crush. It's the worst one. Of course, all 16 year olds do.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's the, that's the awesomeness of being 16.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

I know that logically that my husband's been speaking that into my life the whole three months he's been okay to talk me down.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's flip this around. What is it about? Finding out somebody was abusing your son, Letting him go through that slow drip of poison is more comfortable for you than the three months, six months. A year of discomfort of a 16 and 17 year old, which every, not every, but many teen parents have.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

That's what my husband says too. Like it's, it's worth it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's, here's the other thing. With a 16 year old, it has to be way more than words. What does that mean? Your son has to feel he's got relational value through his parents.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

We've really, really been working on that. I've had very many good conversations with him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, that's what I'm talking about. Not conversations. When's the last time y' all went and did something together, just y' all two? When's the last time y' all go like, I. I don't want to. I don't want to. Like, it's going to sound accusatory. And I'm not trying to accuse you of anything. I'm just trying to put a different context out. Here's what healing looks like here. Your husband taking your son to breakfast every week. Once a week, we never miss it looks like once a week or once every two weeks he gets a date with mom and he's going to roll his eyes. I don't want to go. And you put on something a little extra nice and you're like, nope, we're going out.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Yes, I'm comfortable. One of the issues is, is that as much as my husband loves my children, he, you know, he wasn't loved well by his parents and he's having. He has a hard time expressing that to the kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. He needs to get over no excuse. He knows it. Sometimes us as men, we find out halfway through our kids lives that we didn't get something when we were kids. And that moment is the. When the excuse ends and we have to start acting differently, even when it's uncomfortable.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

I don't think they know how to talk to each other. Really.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, then I'm gonna send you every questions for humans. I have friendship decks, the dating decks, and that there's gonna be some weird questions in the dating, but a lot of those questions will. Will still work. I've. I've taken that excuse away for people for just this reason. Okay.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My son and I spent hours last week watching YouTube and fixing our two riding mowers together. It was awesome.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Actually. My husband. Funny you said that. My husband fix lawnmowers as a side job.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

And he has, during this time period, had my son down there helping him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's amazing.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

He paid him $10 an hour.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, forget the pay. Forget the Pay. It's the hugs and the high fives, right? Yesterday, my son and I took down a chandelier and put up a ceiling fan and it was a disaster. It was so funny. I got burned real bad. It was. It was a mess. I tried to do without turning the power off. And it was the whole thing. Trust me, it was not. Not my finest moment. But I ended up having to turn the power off because I almost burned myself from the inside out.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

But listen, I'm glad you're okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It was. I was worth me getting shocked just because I was being stupid. But it was looking at him and me trying to bail him out when the screwing. Like in a really tight spot trying to screw a screw up to. And I. I sat there. I was like, no, let him do it.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And we high fived each other. And it was like, dude, we did a thing together. And he was like, I don't think I want to be electrician when I grow up. And I was like, I wouldn't. You know me. It was like. It was. But here's the most incredible investment. Not the words. It's the time. It's letting your kid feel like you delight in their presence. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

What if he doesn't Want to?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's 16. He doesn't get a vote.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Okay. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or if he wants to play video games for. It's for every 30 minutes of video games, it's two hours with dad or it's two hours of mom.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

And we shouldn't talk about this because that's all he wants to do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, of course he does.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

He wants. He wants to. My husband went on a business trip. I stayed home because he was so distraught about us catching him in a wise. So I stayed home and I told him that the deal is we're not talking about this while dad's gone. I don't want to talk about it without that. And he engaged me. And I did. I talked to him about it without dad because I want to be there for him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You don't. You don't. I don't. I don't believe you. Jennifer. I think you want to not feel uncomfortable and you use him for you to not feel uncomfortable and he can't carry that weight.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

That's true. I think you're right. Because, I mean, I was always the good one growing up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. But always being the good one is a twisted way of saying it was your job to make sure everybody else wasn't mad at you.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Was. That's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And Your, you should never have had that put on you as a kid. And your kid cannot carry that weight. He's a 16 year old boy who fell head over heels and he's got some psychological struggles like many 16 year olds do. He sounds like a good kid. You know what's easier? Just to go play video games. It's easier.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Well, he doesn't know what to do with himself right now because he has no electronics. Because we've taken him away.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. When you take away his romantic connection, a person he feels in his soul, God sent to him, and you take away his numbing device, which is in, in any sort of purpose he has, which is getting high scores on video games, it has to be backfilled with tethered, safe adult relationships.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

And I'm so tired.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know. But here's the thing. The way through the fatigue is not giving in. The way through the fatigue is delight. And I know that sounds nuts.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Several times we've had, we've hung out.

[Alex]

Just me and him.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

It's been conversations about this and there have been tears on both sides, okay? And, and I think I've given him false hope because I'm like, well, what would that look like? Would we be monitored like if, if we. I've let him think and I mean, honestly in my mind I've been like, well, maybe just talking to her, so. Or maybe if she could come over and I'd sit right there between them on the couch.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Flip it around. Flip it around. Jennifer. Jennifer, flip it around. Do you have a daughter?

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What if her boyfriend started slapping her around? Would you give that one three months? No. Okay.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

He thinks it's different. Our son thinks it's different. He's like, she can't hurt me, she's a girl.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's again, he is 16.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what I want you to do. And this is gonna be hard, okay? I want you to write your 12 year old self a letter. I want you to close your eyes when we get off this call and you get by yourself. I want you to look at 12 year old you as though you're looking in a mirror. See what she's wearing, see what your hair was like. And I want you to write her a letter that says, dear Jennifer, I'm so sorry because that 12 year old girl is running the show in your house and you're exhausted. Let that girl go play, for crying out loud.

[Caller (multiple female callers: Alex, Tara, Jennifer, Sarah)]

He doesn't want that he just wants us to help him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no, I'm not talking about him. I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about you, Jennifer. I want you to let that 12 year old you that's inside your chest go let her go play. And then I want you to call a therapist in your local area and when you they do the intake, I want you to say, my 16 year old is struggling and I have found myself in a deeply codependent relationship with him and I'm finding myself considering sacrificing his safety, both physical and emotional because I can't handle the weight of his sadness. And I need some healing. You, Jennifer, need some healing. You and your husband need to be in one mind that we are going to practice delighting in the presence of our 16 year old son because we've taken away all of his crutches and then we're upset that he can't walk. Of course he ends up every conversation in tears and your husband might say, I don't know what to say. My parents didn't say anything a I don't care. He's got to go learn it. If he can get on YouTube and figure out how to mow works, you can get on YouTube and figure out how to talk to your son. But more importantly, I'll send you a bunch of tools that y' all can use these questions for human things and often it's simply saying, dude, well done, son. Great job. You did it. We did it. Come give me a hug. High five. Big time. That easy. It's not rocket science, but the healing in your home is going to start with you, Jennifer. Today's day one. Go make that call. We'll be right back. This month, Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world, is offering two powerful prayer challenges. Starting October 13, Jonathan Rumi, who plays Jesus in the Chosen, is walking us through the story of all stories. This isn't just a bunch of disconnected Bible verses. It's the whole arc of scripture told like one big story. It's about real people who laugh, cry, mess up and keep going, just like we're all trying to do. And then on October 20, how it was also bringing back Jim Caviezel from the Passion of the Christ for a brand new journey through one of C.S. lewis's most famous works, the Screwtape Letters. It's an honest look at how lives can end up spinning out of control through a thousand tiny distractions. It's eye opening and it's so good. This October, join us on Hallow for the story of all stories with Jonathan Roomie starting October 13th, and the Screwtape Letters with Jim Caviezel starting October 20th. Right now, when you go to how.comdeloney, you'll get three months for free. That's hallow.comdeloney for three months for free. All right, we're back. Kelly. It was the end of an era we have to talk about.

[Kelly]

Was so little backstory for those that don't know. We do a battle of the battle of the bands here and it is a.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're getting choked up, I can tell.

[Kelly]

Yes, that was it. Sorry, I'm all for clipped. We do a battle of the bands yearly here and it is a huge deal. I mean, we're talking full blown production at our. We have a rec center that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, let's put it in context. So it's not just like a high school battle of bands. Oh, no, we're in Nashville. Everyone comes to Nashville to try to make it in the industry and then they have to get real jobs because they want to get married and get health insurance and stuff. So our company's got a thousand people here. A little over a thousand people. I can't. I mean, all of y' all were in the music industry, right? In some shape form or fashion. You didn't play, Kelly, but.

[Kelly]

No, but I worked in the industry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Like, so everyone here, like, there's admin secretaries who are like the best singers you've ever heard in your life and.

[Kelly]

Like the touring musicians all over the.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Building, all over the. All over the place. And then they're like, okay, I guess I'll run podcasts and whatever. So when we say like battle the bands, we mean like last year our drummer was the American Idol touring drummer and he also runs podcast here. His name's Eric. He's amazing. Will was in our band last year. He was one of the guitarists for the American Idol tour. Like, everyone is just amazing. And then there's a theater up there that seats 2700 people. So there's a jillion people packed in there. And then this company spares no expense and they get all this high futin gear and shenanigans and for one night, it's like the purge. All you people who thought you were good, you get 10 minutes on a stage, let it happen, and then get over yourselves and go on about your day jobs. And it is. I remember a few years ago, one of the sound guys that came in, they hired a. The whole sound crew from Nashville to come in and the Guy thought when they announced the winner, he's like, all these other bands can go to other record companies. And one of our guys is like, what? The guy thought that the talent was so insane of these bands. He thought they were all professional bands trying to get a record deal. He didn't realize they were just like, no, that's like. That's like the. The Greeter, right? Like, that's like Dan from YouTube channel editing. Like, they didn't. Had no idea. It's the. The talent is insane. And for the last five years, Ben, you and I, several others have been in the same band with varying parts of people coming and going here and there. We're not great, no, but we put on a chaotic punk mess.

[Kelly]

And it's fun.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's so fun. And this is our last year with the great and wonderful Blake Thompson, who was kind of one of the OGs in this company. He's retiring at the end of this year. He's like a true, true punk rock pioneer. So punk rock that I don't even go into it. He's og, but this is last year in the band, and he's never won a battle of bands. And he never will. And he never will because we got second place again.

[Kelly]

But y' all are the epitome of always a bridesmaid, never the bride.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it kind of turned into, like, fine, we're gonna give you second place material. Then we were unplugging stuff, knocking stuff over, jumping off stuff.

[Kelly]

Your first set was the best I've ever heard, y'. All. Best I've ever heard. It was so great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

Second set had some issues.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's pure chaos as it was supposed to be. It was rock and roll, man. That's exactly so us. It was great. It was exactly. People loved it. I think we did great. I.

[Kelly]

It was so fun. Here's a great time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what's super fun. I have learned that the. I would rather be the band that everybody talks about over the weekend than the one on some trophy on a shelf somewhere.

[Kelly]

Is that the story you tell yourself?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's the story I tell myself all the time. Mainly because I've never won anything ever. And so I'm like, yeah, I wouldn't, like, want to win.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sellouts. The band that won was a better than us by a thousand percent. They should have. And anyway. And I don't even know if we actually got second because there's three bands and they just announced the winner.

[Kelly]

I think we all. I think everyone assumes y' all Got second.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's the story I'm telling myself. But if I was in the other band, I would be saying I got second place.

[Kelly]

And that other band was great, too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They were amazing. They were awesome. So anyway.

[Kelly]

Yeah. All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the end of an era.

[Kelly]

Is it the end of y' all playing about all the bands?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, I don't know. What do you think, John? To be continued. Yeah. Stay tuned. Stay tuned.

[Kelly]

So maybe a new era.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's an all new era without very.

[Kelly]

Without practice spaces that aren't as good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, it's gonna be tough to replace Blake, man. Yeah. Where are we gonna go?

[Kelly]

And by the way, y', all, Blake's house has a practice.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, his son is, like, a world class, unfathomably good drummer. Like, better than world class drummer. So they have, like, a studio that's. Yeah, it's pretty amazing. We're gonna have to go back to practicing in a parking lot of a. Let's start practicing at a Denny's. An OG Denny's.

[Kelly]

That's so Waffle House at 3am That's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's how we're gonna get it done.

[Kelly]

I'm super proud of y'.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All.

[Kelly]

Y' all did great, and we all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Had a lot of fun. Well, it's fun seeing you on the front row. Your shirt was a little bit low cut in denim, but whatever. Sometimes you got to get.

[Kelly]

I only had one of yalls T shirts on that I didn't have a choice but to buy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Love you guys. Stay out of school. I mean, no, don't stay out of school. Stay out of trouble. Whatever. Make good choices. Love you. Bye.