My Husband’s Ex Is a Threat to Our Kids . . .

Summary

Detailed Summary of "My Husband’s Ex Is a Threat to Our Kids . . ."

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Dr. John Delony Show
• Host/Author: Ramsey Network
• Episode: My Husband’s Ex Is a Threat to Our Kids . . .
• Release Date: August 8, 2025

Overview: In this emotionally charged episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, host Dr. John DeLoney addresses critical issues surrounding family dynamics, particularly focusing on the safety and well-being of children amid complicated adult relationships. The episode features calls from listeners seeking guidance on navigating tumultuous situations that threaten family stability and mental health.

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Elizabeth's Story: Navigating a Troubled Ex-Wife

Introduction to the Issue: At [00:05], Elizabeth initiates the conversation by explaining her seemingly harmonious relationship with her husband's ex-wife, who now lives next door. This proximity, however, conceals deeper familial tensions.

Elizabeth’s Concerns: Elizabeth shares her distress about her husband’s ex-wife, identifying her as a methamphetamine addict who poses a significant threat to their children. At [04:04], she reveals that they discovered her ex-wife using meth in front of their three-year-old, prompting immediate concern for the children’s safety.

Dr. John’s Initial Response: Dr. DeLoney acknowledges the severity of the situation, emphasizing the paramount importance of child safety: “You have a super simple, not easy, but a super simple path forward, and that is making sure children are safe. Period. End of story.” ([02:17])

Deeper Analysis and Advice: As Elizabeth delves deeper, she expresses frustration with her husband’s inaction, driven by his irrational fear that any move against his ex-wife could result in losing custody of the children. Dr. DeLoney critiques the husband’s behavior, labeling him a coward and underscoring the necessity of decisive action to protect the children:

“The bigger deal is you are finding out 18 months into this relationship, six months into this marriage, that your husband is a coward and he's not a man to be respected.” ([09:28])

Actionable Steps: Dr. DeLoney advises Elizabeth to take legal action immediately by filing an injunction to terminate the ex-wife's parental rights. He emphasizes the urgency and the need to prioritize the children's safety over the husband's fears:

“By the end of today, I will file an injunction to terminate her rights as a parent.” ([05:39])

Conclusion of Elizabeth’s Segment: Elizabeth grapples with diminishing respect for her husband due to his inability to act. Dr. DeLoney reinforces the need for her to lead in protecting the children and making critical decisions, ultimately suggesting that the marital relationship may need to end if her husband continues to fail in safeguarding their family.

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Lindsay’s Struggle: Maintaining Calm During Conflict

Introduction to Lindsay’s Call: At [20:25], Lindsay from Columbus, Ohio, reaches out with concerns about her difficulty in handling conflict, leading to anxiety and avoidance behaviors.

Lindsay’s Background: Lindsay describes a lifelong struggle with conflict, exacerbated by her mother's depression. She often internalizes conflicts, questioning her self-worth when faced with confrontation:

“I usually fall back to, like, did I say something wrong? Am I a bad person.” ([22:59])

Dr. John’s Guidance: Dr. DeLoney explores the root of Lindsay's anxiety, linking it to her upbringing where she likely assumed the role of an emotional caretaker. He encourages her to detach her self-worth from others' perceptions and reactions:

“The problem is not with your coworker. The problem is that somehow you've attached your well being, your intelligence, your overall emotional health to what anyone else in your sphere is going to say.” ([27:17])

Practical Recommendations:

• Reading and Counseling: Dr. DeLoney recommends Lindsay read Harriet Lerner's The Dance of Anger and seek counseling to develop tools for breaking destructive emotional cycles ([30:24]).
• Building Support Systems: He suggests establishing a network of supportive peers who can provide real-time feedback and encouragement ([38:57]).

Encouragement and Empowerment: Dr. DeLoney empowers Lindsay to take control of her responses to conflict, emphasizing that maintaining calm and setting boundaries will lead to healthier interactions and reduced anxiety:

“When you put your body on a path towards peace, your body's not going to be anxious in the moment. Your body's anxious. It's trying to get your attention.” ([47:30])

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Steven’s Experience: Coping with Postpartum Anxiety

Introduction to Steven’s Call: At [35:28], Steven from Toronto, Ontario, shares his overwhelming anxiety following the birth of his second daughter.

Steven’s Situation: Having recently expanded his family, Steven describes unprecedented anxiety levels that contrast sharply with his initial joyous feelings at the birth of his first child. Financial strains and the challenges of parenting two young children exacerbate his stress:

“Our household income is around 65… We got some savings, but… we owe around $65,000 in debt.” ([40:21])

Dr. John’s Approach: Dr. DeLoney likens anxiety to a smoke detector, indicating it as a signal that something in Steven's life needs immediate attention. He advises Steven to address the root causes rather than merely coping with the symptoms:

“Anxiety is really a friend. It can be an annoying, loud, obnoxious friend, but it's a friend just trying to get your attention.” ([36:07])

Actionable Strategies:

• Financial Management: Dr. DeLoney recommends creating a detailed financial plan to manage and reduce debt systematically.
• Physical Health Prioritization: Emphasizing the importance of sleep and exercise, he advises Steven to incorporate small, manageable physical activities to alleviate stress ([42:12]).
• Support Networks: Encourages building a support system of friends and mentors who can provide guidance and accountability ([46:28]).

Psychological Tools: Dr. DeLoney offers Steven a copy of his book Building a Non Anxious Life as a roadmap to developing strategies for reducing anxiety through practical steps and psychological resilience:

“We don't have time to even breathe, much less hold hands, much less sit by each other on the couch.” ([44:08])

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Listener Feedback and Community Sharing

Elizabeth’s Continued Engagement: Elizabeth shares positive outcomes from implementing Dr. DeLoney’s advice, including taking measures to secure her children’s safety and reassessing her marital relationship.

Appreciation and Testimonials: Listeners like Elizabeth and others provide heartfelt testimonials, expressing gratitude for the practical and compassionate advice received on the show. For instance, Sarah from Maryland praises Dr. DeLoney for his enduring advice on journaling, highlighting its profound impact on understanding her late father's emotions:

“Your children don't want things, they want you.” ([52:07])

Legacy and Emotional Connection: Elizabeth and other listeners emphasize the importance of leaving a legacy through journaling, allowing children to connect with their parents' inner lives and emotional experiences long after their passing.

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Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Throughout the episode, Dr. John DeLoney emphasizes the importance of proactive measures in safeguarding children and maintaining mental health within family structures. By addressing listeners' real-life challenges with empathy and practical solutions, he reinforces the show's mission to provide "real talk on relationships and mental health challenges." The episode underscores the necessity of taking decisive action in the face of adversity and the value of building strong support systems to navigate complex personal and familial issues.

Notable Quotes:

• Elizabeth at [02:17]: “You have a super simple, not easy, but a super simple path forward, and that is making sure children are safe.”
• Dr. John at [09:28]: “You are finding out 18 months into this relationship, six months into this marriage, that your husband is a coward and he's not a man to be respected.”
• Lindsay at [22:59]: “I usually fall back to, like, did I say something wrong? Am I a bad person.”
• Dr. John at [36:07]: “Anxiety is really a friend. It can be an annoying, loud, obnoxious friend, but it's a friend just trying to get your attention.”

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This episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show provides invaluable insights into handling complex family dynamics and personal mental health struggles, offering listeners both empathy and actionable advice to improve their lives and protect their loved ones.

Transcript

[Elizabeth]

Have gotten along with his ex wife. Great. She actually lives in the house next door to us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's not weird. That's not weird.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You are finding out 18 months into this relationship that your husband is a coward and he's not a man to be respected. At some point, you have to. You have to sit down and say, what up, what up, what up? This is John with the doctor your John DeLoney show coming to you live, but not live, from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls, real calls from real people, going through all kind of challenging times, and it is a wild time to be alive. And I'm grateful that you're with us. There's a billion podcasts you could be checking out, and you're spending your time with us, and I'm really grateful. Thank you so, so much. Let's go out to Oklahoma City and talk to Elizabeth. What's up, Elizabeth?

[Elizabeth]

Hi, Dr. John. Ah, this is wild. Hi.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's wild for me, too. I don't talk to Oklahomans very often, so this is a big deal for me.

[Elizabeth]

Oh, well, you know, potential NBA champion.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If that's what it takes for y' all to feel good about yourselves, then so be it.

[Elizabeth]

You know what? Between that and the tornadoes, we take what we can get.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, you know what? Very fair. Very fair. So what's up?

[Elizabeth]

Oh, gosh. I really don't honestly even know where to start. I also wasn't nervous until you answered.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, it's all good. Just. Just swan dive in.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. So I guess I'll kind of start with my question. I just really need some wisdom and guidance and advice about how I can be the best wife and stepmom I can be as my new little family is going through a situation that's really hard and really scary and honestly, just kind of traumatic.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Elizabeth]

And one that my husband is really struggling with, but is also one where we need to be making very quick and very decisive decisions and taking action to keep our kids out of danger.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So can I cut through all of this before you even tell me what's going on?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have a super simple, not easy, but a super simple path forward, and that is making sure children are safe. Period. End of story.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, that's. That's where I am coming from. From all of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Elizabeth]

But I am also. It's all to do with his ex wife and his kind of family, so I'm relatively new to the equation.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All right, so tell me what's going on.

[Elizabeth]

So. So we've only been married for about six months together. For a little over a year before that. He has two kids who are 10 and 3, and I don't have any. This is our second marriage for both of us. They're in our 30s and we have gotten along with his ex wife. Great. She actually lives in the house next door to us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's not weird. That's not weird. Yeah. Oh, man. I won't make an Oklahoma joke, but I want to.

[Elizabeth]

You are free too. It's probably nothing I haven't thought.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm just playing. All right, so go ahead.

[Elizabeth]

So honestly, like, she and I have always gotten along really, really well. She's been super friendly and welcoming to me and I just. I adore these kids. I. They're just the coolest little humans and I'm so blessed to be in their life. I'm just so excited to get to have this new little family. And it's been a challenge for sure, but it's just been beautiful. My husband and her have a very complicated relationship and their divorce was not friendly, not friendly at all. And it's only recently that they've been able to be on good terms. But because of that, he somehow has just become convinced that if he does anything to make her upset that she can just. And decide to take the kids away from him. We have 50, 50 custody.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So where are the kids?

[Elizabeth]

Not safe with her because she's a meth addict who we caught using meth when we got a call from the hospital that she had been using meth in front of the kids, had left it out, and their three year old had gotten into it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I'm struggling here that there is any sort of hesitation on anybody's part for anything.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, that's what I say. I. To be honest, I've been seeing red flags from her the entire time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's take her completely out of the equation.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She is a single mom struggling with meth. Okay.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That is what that is. There's a period at the end of that sentence you can do nothing about her. So I don't want to think about her. I don't want to talk about her. Red fl.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because it allows you to avoid the most significant red flag and it is draped across the person sleeping next to you in your bed.

[Elizabeth]

No. And that's what I'm trying to call about because I have been bringing these things to him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, there's no. Oh, man. Yeah, I'm sorry. I get all. Yeah, okay, go ahead, go ahead. I'll quit interrupting You.

[Elizabeth]

Oh, no, I've been the one who's been sitting here saying, we need to be doing something now. We took immediate possession of the kids, and she has not gotten them back.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And have y' all fired a court, Filed a court injunction or. Or not you. But, dad, has he filed a court injunction to terminate parental rights immediately?

[Elizabeth]

No. Okay, that has to happen today.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That has to happen today.

[Elizabeth]

I. That is what I am telling him. And I am just baffled. I see him. So he has a lot of trauma, and I'm not making excuses for him, but he. Like, I can see the fear and the anxiety and the stress. He is terrified that if he does anything that she. And I don't understand where his fear comes from, but I see him having a mental breakdown in front of me over the thought of it.

[Lindsay]

We have met over the thought of what?

[Elizabeth]

He is just genuinely convinced that if he says anything that she will just take the kids away and that he'll never see them again and the court will side with her and he'll lose them forever.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's insane.

[Elizabeth]

I have no idea why. I. That's. I. Yeah. And I have no idea.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does he have. Does he have demons in his closet that you don't know about?

[Elizabeth]

Not that I know of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is there a chance he's actively using meth with her?

[Elizabeth]

No, he's not. I know 1,000% he's not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so what he's. What he is afraid of is irrational.

[Elizabeth]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But here's the thing. The irrational fear he has is endangering children.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so 100. You have to be the next rational adult on behalf of these children.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. I have been trying everything that I. And honestly, like, I haven't toed the line of legality, but I have been doing everything that I physically can. I've called DHS on her. I. She has a boyfriend who's a felon. I've been talking to his probation officer almost every single day. I track, like, where she is in relation to the kids, so the kids are safe. And I've been doing everything I can to keep the kids schedules normal, to keep them happy, to keep them focused, to make sure that they feel safe and protected and loved and valued. And I, like, I'm just doing everything I can, but it is just so limited. And I just see him breaking. But I see all of this potential danger around us, and I just. I don't understand why he's not moving or why he's not doing things or why he's so afraid, but I don't know what else I can do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man. I mean, if he's. I mean, there's. There's. There's. There's several different things happening here. If he's having a mental breakdown, then you and him. But especially him. But he won't go by himself. Y' all are going to have to go get psychiatric care now.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, I don't think it's to that level.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So here's. Here's the only play you have. And I'm saying this not just because you're a wife. I'm saying this because you're a citizen. You're a human being, and you're. You're clearly a good person. It is saying, by the end of today, I will file an injunction to terminate her rights as a parent. And honestly, Elizabeth, I don't even know if you can do that. I don't know the laws in the state of Oklahoma, but that's what you need to put on the table in front of him. Because here's the deal. You have this issue with these kids, and you've known them for 18 months. You love them, they're fun to be around. It's been nice. This idea that y' all are all going to be this happy little co. Family. All that's makes sense. And I get the sentiment and how cool it would be if it all worked out. It's not. It won't. And it's not. It's actively not working out.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The bigger deal is you are finding out 18 months into this relationship, six months into this marriage, that your husband is a coward and he's not a man to be respected.

[Elizabeth]

And that's. That's where I'm starting to fight myself as I'm losing respect for him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, it's gone. It's gone. I can hear it in your voice.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's the unspooling. Because we all know the right thing to do is to take care of these kids.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm not going to. I am not in a position here to beat up on somebody who's struggling with meth. She's clearly got demons. What I am in the business of doing is I will protect these kids.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that means at some point, your husband is blocking you from taking care of these kids. Or more importantly, he's not burning the next door neighbor's house down to defend his children.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. And I have told him that. That it blows my mind that I have to be asking him if he's going to protect his kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does he say to that he.

[Elizabeth]

Like, I can tell that he genuinely, truly wants to. And I don't know if it's just like the cloud of fear or what.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is he afraid of? That he's, he's, he's literally legitimately a fear afraid that with a hospital report that said a three year old got into math.

[Elizabeth]

So part of that and this is just, I guess, information. So whenever we were not present, obviously when it happened. So when he went to the hospital, she didn't put my husband's name on any of the release forms like the HIPAA forms. So I am 99% sure that that's what the hospital report says. But we don't know for sure because we can't access it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your husband, your husband can go there to the hospital with a court order. It's easy.

[Elizabeth]

So that's. Yes. So that's what we did meet with a lawyer to do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You don't need to meet with a lawyer. You just need to take the divorce decree into the hospital and say, that's my child.

[Elizabeth]

They told us we couldn't with a divorce decree, which. Yes. And they told us that if his name wasn't on the form they couldn't release the files. But then they also didn't call DHS on the whole thing, which that blew my mind.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. This hospital's in, they're in dangerous ground right now.

[Elizabeth]

That's what I like. It's secondary. But there's just so many pieces that I'm now seeing that are like all kind of coming together but nobody's doing anything. And I feel like I'm the only one that cares.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth]

But I am still just kind of just struggling with a, like, how do we move forward and how do I kind of help keep, help him keep that momentum and help us keep that momentum. Even though the lawyer is going to be working on stuff. So that will also help. But like, how do I keep the support and kind of help him come back and refocus?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

At some point you have to, you have to sit down and say, I have completely lost respect for you as a man, as the man I married. And here is the path you're gonna have to walk to regain that respect for me. Yeah. Because I don't respect a man that doesn't go do whatever it takes to get his kids now, period. And we don't tiptoe around it. We don't, we, we, we swing first and then we ask questions later. When it comes to the health of my safety, of my children.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would be banging on the door of the hospital. I can't. I can't wrap my head around y' all showing up with a divorce decree. And I don't know if that's just an ill. And I mean, I can't. I mean, HIPAA training is. It's just 101. But that you show up with a decree and in a mother who has methamphetamine in her system. Didn't put me on the list. And then looking at the divorce decree going, yeah, for sure. This is your kid. That's a madness to me.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. The whole thing. How that whole situation played out. They didn't let her leave with their son. They let his grandparents come and take him home. But, yeah. Just all of that and how they didn't notify the authorities or anything like that, I'll still. Like. I just can't comprehend.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But that. Well, it might be named the Elizabeth and your husband Memorial Hospital there. And where. Wherever y' all the kids were. But that's a. Listen, that's secondary issue. Issue number one is making sure those kids are safe.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And they're in your house right now.

[Elizabeth]

That's all I want. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Issue number two is the marriage you had is over. The guy you thought you were married to is not who you thought he was.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And I'll give him the tiniest shred of grace I can give because I just. I have a hard time with kids. Oh. People who don't take action with helping children. But he's frozen in time. Here we are. Cool. Here is your path, husband. And then at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself question number one. Did I do all I can to keep these two children who are not mine, safe? And my hope is. And I listening to you, I would assume that if there was. If you lived on some random street and you were still single and you heard this happening three houses down, you do the same thing you're doing right now, which is why you're a good citizen. I wish every citizen was like you. But you're looking at your husband now and saying, okay, here is the path forward. I've lost respect for you, period. I would expect the man I'm married to to go to the ends of the earth for his children. You have not. So to earn this back, this is what must be true. We don't sleep until there's a temporary injunction. We have a court date on the books ASAP to terminate parental rights. Period. If there's any secrets that he hasn't told you now's the time. Because the only thing I can think of that he is scared of is that she's got dirt on him that you don't know about.

[Elizabeth]

I mean, and that could.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The only thing that makes sense to me right now is that she's gonna say, oh, yeah, well, the first person who gave me meth was this guy. Or have you seen his. Checked his search history? Like, that's what's going through my head right now.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then if it's like, this isn't. You've heard me use this line on the show. Not by your hand, but in your lap. We're moving.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And we shouldn't have to move. We shouldn't be the one. But we are getting out of this mess. The house goes on the market next week.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because this little happy fantasy family, it's over. I'm not. Yeah. It just is what it is.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. I had the locks changed on the house and everything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. But they're next door. I mean, the kids are going to go outside to check the mail and boyfriend is going to say, hey, mama. I mean, who knows?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. Well, I don't want them outside if I'm not there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And they don't. That's not a childhood. Right? That's not a childhood.

[Elizabeth]

No, no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's prison. We don't want them growing up like that. And so I think you. I think you lay out very clearly here's what must be true. And you have to be able to exhale, not be happy with. Not be angry, not be enraged, not be heartbroken. But you have to exhale through. He might look at you and say, I'm not doing any of that stuff.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then you have to live in that reality.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, you're living in that reality now. You're just not putting it on the table.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. Because I can't. Because it seems like after a little while, he will take a step, and then after a little while longer, he will take another step. So I'm just kind of constantly just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth]

But gently pushing and waiting for that next step.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that the guy you want to be married to?

[Elizabeth]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, it's not. Forget. Forget the marriage part. Is that the guy you want raising kids next door to you? No.

[Elizabeth]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. And I hope mom goes to rehab, and I hope mom gets well. And I hope mom does all the work she needs to do to be able to see her kids, because kids need to see their mothers. And I hope she goes to rehab and stops letting felons come around, all that stuff. I hope that to be true right this second. We have an emergency. Thanks for the call, sister. I'm so sorry. This is a heartbreaking moment. You're the adult in the room right now and I wish that wasn't the case. But you're the one and so let's go full steam ahead. Thank you so, so, so much for the call. We come back A woman wonders how to remain calm during conflict. It's Cozy Earth time. Listen, just hearing the term nine to five is a dragon makes you think of your boss with coffee breath, co workers that don't have any boundaries or trying to work from home with kids running around and dogs barking all the time. All of it too much. That's why Cozy Earth wants to make your 5 to 9 the time that matters most, the most comfortable part of your day. Cozy Earth is a big part of how my wife and I make our home warm and cozy. My wife loves her Cozy Earth pajamas and she gets into them as early as possible without being weird. And I love the Cozy Earth towels. I love the Cozy Earth sheets and I love the cozier T shirts and pants because they're soft and breathable, but they're also really tough. I can wrestle in the front yard with my kids. I can go for a long run with my son wearing them and they're amazing. Plus, my whole family loves sleeping on Cozy Earth's temperature regulating sheets. They naturally wick away heat and moisture from our bodies and they help us sleep several degrees cooler. Cozy Earth is so confident that that they offer 100 night sleep trial. You can try out these sheets during the hottest nights of the year and if you don't absolutely love them, return them hassle free. And of course, Cozy earth offers a 10 year warranty on all bedding products for a decade of great sleep. Go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney for 40% off their best selling temperature regulating sheets, apparel and more. Trust me, you're going to feel the difference the very first time you use their gear. That's cozyearth.com DeLoney and code DeLoney to save 40% off your entire order. Sleep Cooler Lounge Lighter Stay cozy All right, we're back. Hey, take two seconds, two seconds and hit the subscribe button. If you're watching this on YouTube, hit the subscribe button. And if you are listening to this on Spotify on Apple podcast, if you'll just subscribe to the show, it makes such a huge difference. Thank you so so much. Let's Go to Columbus, Ohio, and talk to Lindsay. What's up, Lindsay?

[Lindsay]

Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great. How about you?

[Lindsay]

I'm good, thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome.

[Lindsay]

I wanted to thank you for just everything. I listen to your podcast a lot, and I use your conversation cards, so I really appreciate you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, you're awesome. I appreciate you. Thank you.

[Lindsay]

My question is, how do I keep my cool when faced with conflict? Ever since I could remember, I have struggled with conflict. People getting mad at me, raising their voice. It makes me feel so anxious and uncomfortable. Sometimes I run from a problem because I'm worried about what other people are going to say. And stuff like that's been going on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Most your life, huh?

[Elizabeth]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have a parent who struggle with substance abuse?

[Lindsay]

No, my mom struggles with depression.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All right. Have you pretty much been a caretaker your whole life?

[Lindsay]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where's dad?

[Lindsay]

He's in the picture. Very much so. Very loving guy. I think sometimes he doesn't know how to help either.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ah, okay. So are you married? You got kids?

[Lindsay]

No, I'm single.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you?

[Elizabeth]

30.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

30. Okay. So give me an example of a recent situation, the one that you were like, dude, I got to call this show.

[Lindsay]

I would say the most recent one that I had. Gosh, I mean, there's so much. But I think one of them was, I am a retail manager of a store, and I was on a call with a bunch of other managers, and we were just kind of having like a. Like a day to learn about stuff and talk with everybody and learn something from each other. And it was about emotional intelligence. And I had brought up what you say on the show a lot. The calm is contagious and facts are kind. Or something like that. And this other manager just kind of butted into my conversation and was like, well, you. That is silly advice, and you have no idea what I'm going through. And just started raising his voice. And I, like, I just kind of started going in a loop in my brain, and I couldn't stop.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What was the loop?

[Lindsay]

So I usually fall back to, like, did I say something wrong? Am I a bad person? It usually gets to there, but usually there's something else on loop that I can't quite remember at the moment, but that's usually what it falls to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How honest can you be with me on this call?

[Lindsay]

I. I think pretty honest.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. When I asked you about your dad, you immediately jumped to his defense. And that often is a signal for me. It's less the people that we can be Honest about or probably over dramatic about. It's the people that we jump to defend real fast that often may hold a key or two. So dad was a loving guy, a always there guy. What was underneath that?

[Lindsay]

I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I guess how did dad show you he was mad?

[Lindsay]

You know what it was usually. Well, it was both parents. Both parents had an effect on me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, let's stay with dad for a second. Okay. When dad got mad, what do you do?

[Lindsay]

Well, sometimes there was yelling, but it never got physical and never got.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't care about that. Nobody's hitting you right now. Tell me about when he. Like a yelling incident.

[Lindsay]

There was one time where I. I was a kid, I spilled something on the carpet.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Lindsay]

And he was like, you know, mom is going to be so mad at you. Look what you did.

[Elizabeth]

Stuff like that.

[Steven]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Exhale for. And I want you to pull your shoulders all the way down. Okay. Two important things here. Number one, you know what kids do? They spill stuff. Why? Because they're kids. Yeah. The second thing is, most importantly, it was never your job to the be. To be the emotional centerpiece of your home. When you're a kid, you're a kid. Yeah. Your mom and dad aren't supposed to anchor into you. It's supposed to be the other way around. Right? Yeah. And it doesn't surprise me that on a work conference call that some guy listens to what you're saying and immediately runs over you and immediately tells you you're stupid. And that immediately the boss, the supervisor over all you managers on that call becomes your mom again. And you got to make sure she's doesn't hear, see? Or what's going to happen? Am I gonna again just replays itself. Yeah. So I'm telling you that to let you know there's not something wrong with you. Your body's just running the machine back. Okay. Thanks. It's what it's trained to do. The real question I have for you is, and it's a lot of work and it's not fun, but are you interested in not shutting down, moving forward? Yeah.

[Lindsay]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or this idea of I'm going to stand up on my own two feet. Yeah. Or your coworker can have a perspective. I don't know what. I don't know what he's going through, but I'm not going to own whatever he's going through. And if he runs over me and says what I just said is stupid. If he says calm and is contagious is stupid. And facts are your friends is stupid. Okay. You know what I mean?

[Elizabeth]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, it's just like the sky is not blue. You're like, you know what? Okay, I. I'm not.

[Lindsay]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, you can have a good day, but at some point it's you making the choice. Because the problem is not with your co worker. The problem is that somehow you've attached your well being, your intelligence, your. Your overall emotional health to what anyone else in your sphere is going to say. Yeah. That's the way your nervous system's programmed because you had to since you're a little kid. And it's just choosing that when your body feel. And by the way, I'm making it sound so insanely simple. It's not. But when somebody runs over you like that and says, oh, you have no idea. Oh, it must be nice. You don't even have any kids. You're just a. That. You feel your body shrink a little bit and you feel it get anxious from that separation and you take a big deep breath and you exhale. And then you force yourself to smile and drop your shoulders and you whisper to yourself, he doesn't get a vote. Yeah. Right.

[Lindsay]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then choose to lean back in. Sounds like you have a lot going on. Yeah.

[Steven]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Lindsay]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And when you, when you, when you take a breath and let somebody just rant and rave, that's his move. I. He will enter into every room with, I'm so busy. You have no idea what. That's cool. That's not going to impact me because I got a pretty good life. And so when you lean back in or step not, I'm going to say lean back. I don't say step back in and say, sounds like you got a lot going on. Yeah. Then you kind of take all the bullets out of the gun because you. What you're saying in that moment is, I see you, I hear you, I don't care. Or I maybe I care. I can't do anything about it. Right. But my question, ultimately for you as an adult, clearly you're good at what you do professionally, right?

[Lindsay]

I hope so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no. That's an answer to a mom who struggles with depression. I'm asking you, just two adults, you're pretty good at what you do.

[Elizabeth]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's your growth opportunity in your current job?

[Lindsay]

Honestly, I think it's really just letting these problems not get to me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no. Is there a chance you're going to run this whole operation someday?

[Lindsay]

Probably not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you want to?

[Elizabeth]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All right, here's what I want you to Do I want you to pick up a book by Harriet Lerner. Lerner. Okay. And the book is called the Dance of Anger, and it's written specifically to women who, by the way, just socially are trained. Your job is to make sure everything is peaceful socially. Yeah. And then you have an extra focus on. No, I had to do this so my house wouldn't explode.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then over time, what that book will teach you to do, walk you through some. It's got a lot of cool, like, case studies in it, but you kind of just walk through it. And you're gonna have to, at some point, decide, I'm gonna sit with a counselor and begin to practice some of these things so that when they happen and I feel them in my body, I can exhale and then take the next right step, which is, yeah, oh, I hear you. But we need to, like, being calm is. Is contagious. I just heard you not be calm, and that was contagious too.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, Right? Yes. Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I promise you there will be ramifications to that. That guy will talk about you when you're not in the room. Yeah. And other people will begin to gently tilt their head your way because you become a sturdy presence. You can get the audiobook of the Dance of Anger. It's great. And I want you to listen to it and read it. Any. Anybody. It's written for women. I took. I took a lot out of it. But anybody who has been forced into this, this role, and you have found yourself as a 25 year old, a 35 year old, or 55 year old, it's my job to take care of everybody else. And it's my job to get in these loops of fights and anxiousness. And I find myself blaming everybody else for my situation, whether at work, whether at home, or whether in your marriage. Check out this book and walk through it step by step. It's one of the old school masterpieces. It's an old, old book, but it is good. But I think it would address exactly where you're at right now. And then you're gonna have to go to a counselor and you have to sit down and say, I want to break this cycle and I want you to give me some tools. I don't want to rehash my past. My past is my past. I want to get some tools to break these cycles so that when mom goes to play one and then play two and then play. Play 42 of I'm making you feel guilty. It's your fault. Oh, you hate me. Oh, I'll just be here by myself, then with your dad, you know, to. It's going to give you a step by step play. And I want you to get practice that with your therapist, with a counselor. And it will over time set you free. And then you're going to deal with a real existential anxiety because then what comes next in your life is going to be up to you. You get to choose. You get to choose. Thank you so, so much for the call, Lindsay. Hey, your bravery right now will help a whole bunch of people because this is a very pervasive issue. And for everybody listening, if you will go through this healing process, it might take one month, it might take two years of standing up on your own two feet. And when your mom says you should not give your kid that kind of bottle because I. And you say, hey, I'm, I'm. I. I need to practice standing on my own two feet as a mother or as a father. And so this is what I'm going to do. And I'm not asking you for your advice. I'm just asking you for your love and your care. Oh, you think I'm stupid. You think and you learn to wade into that. Then we don't have to cut off everybody in our world. We don't have to end every relationship and break up with our parents and not see each other. Because it. That's how family systems change. When one person says, I'm going to start standing on my own two feet. Thank you so much for the call, Lindsay. I appreciate you being brave. We come back, a man asks how to cope with his anxiety after the birth of a baby. I love poncho shirts. And they are back. As a supporter of this show, and I'm super jazzed about it, if you've seen me on stages across the country, maybe in the airport on this show or recently even when I was out fishing with my son in the Gulf, right? Or maybe you've even seen me mowing my yard out here in Nashville. I'm almost always wearing poncho shirts. Poncho makes the absolute best outdoor performance shirts for men, period. Whether they are sponsoring this show or not. I'm always wearing poncho because they're the best. Of course, I love their denim shirts and their insanely soft flannels. But now that it's super hot, I'm wearing Poncho's ultralight shirts, too. They're really lightweight, they're breathable, yet they're tough enough to handle whatever chaos my day brings. And I'm talking Everything from traveling to being up to my chest, fishing in the surf or doing yard work. These shirts move with you, not against you. And they dry fast and they don't cling or bunch up. And they come in slim or regular fit. So you're not walking around town looking like a sausage link or a circus tent. Head over to poncho outdoors.com deloney and try them out for yourself. Right now. New customers get 10 bucks off their first purchase. Just sign up with your email. That's poncho outdoors.com DeLoney. And you gotta trust me or Poncho ultralight shirts are going to turn into a summer essential for you too. All right, let's go up north and talk to Steven in Toronto, Ontario. What's up, Steven?

[Steven]

Hi, Dr. John. It's an honor to talk to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's an honor to talk to you, brother. What's up?

[Steven]

Hey. So we just welcomed our second daughter into this world three weeks ago today.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Congratulations, man.

[Steven]

Thank you. Thank you. And what I wasn't expecting was a freight train of anxiety. So I'm just wondering, like, I'm looking for tools, some ways to maybe cope with it or maybe get to the bottom of what's causing it just so I can be more present with my family and with my two girls and with my wife.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I love this man. Great question. How old is your first?

[Steven]

Our first is only a year and a half.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, so two kids under two. That's. That's easy. Good. Good call, Steven.

[Steven]

There is just like poop and pee everywhere. We're at everywhere. Everywhere.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So tell me about one thing I want to take off the table. We're not going to cope with anxiety. Okay.

[Steven]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you've probably heard me talk about this. I'll reiterate it. For people who are new to the show. I like to think of anxiety. Not pathological anxiety, but I like to think of anxiety as simply a smoke detector. It's just letting us know something in our life is off or several things in our life is off. Or as the great Dr. Wendy Suzuki from NYU says, anxiety is really a friend. It can be an annoying, loud, obnoxious friend, but it's a friend just trying to get your attention because your body's identified some things in the environment that are. Are not okay. That might not be safe. Okay. So if I was to ask you, as you're painting your world right now, what is your body trying to get your. Your attention about?

[Steven]

It's definitely like, I. I feel like, the tension, like, especially when I'm When I'm holding our. Our new daughter or just kind of being around her has been. Been kind of tense for me. Not like that. It wasn't like that at all. With our first. Like, with our first was kind of like an immediate, like, I love you. Like, this is amazing. But this. This one's been different, and it's kind of thrown me off quite a bit.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's back out of that one. Okay. Let's back out of the. Your actual daughter, because she's not the. She's not the issue.

[Steven]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What about having a second kid? How has that impacted your marriage over the last three years? Because essentially, your wife has been pregnant for pretty much three years.

[Steven]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Pregnant or nursing for three years. How's your marriage?

[Steven]

Right. Honestly, like, really great. Like, we kids were something that we were really passionate about going into this and something we, like, really worked on. And, like, part of our vision was, like, we really want a big family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want a lot of things.

[Steven]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sometimes getting them reveals like, oh, wow. Right.

[Steven]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But your marriage is good. Like, y' all are communicating well. You're able to talk to each other about what you need, all that stuff.

[Steven]

Oh, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, great. Yeah.

[Steven]

My wife's incredible.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, well, people can be incredible, but still not communicate well. You can be a great, great person and not good at the skill of being married. Those are two different things. But sure. But I trust you. I mean, if it's going good, as good as it can be with two kids under two. Right. It's just chaos. Right?

[Steven]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How is your finances?

[Steven]

Yeah, that's a tough. It's a tough spot. It's a. For sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no. You just tried to go around it. Let's go right through it. I'm with you. Let's walk right through the middle of it. What's the state of your. What State of your finances?

[Steven]

We got some savings, but in terms of, like, end of the month.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't care about that. Tell me about your finances.

[Steven]

Okay. We got debt. We got lots of debt.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Steven]

We are not making maybe as much income as we'd like, or I. I'm not making as much income as I'd like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, very good.

[Steven]

And, yeah. And yeah, the end of the month comes up, and, like, the margins are pretty thin.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. How much do you owe?

[Steven]

Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, there's, like, 15 grand in, like, consumer debt and a car and then there's, like, a mountain of student loans.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you were to take a yellow pad and just a pen and. I don't know how old you are, but that's an ancient technology. If you just took a pen and a piece of paper and wrote down, here's how much me and my wife owe other people. How much is that?

[Steven]

Yeah. Probably around $65,000, something like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And.

[Steven]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you all have a house? Are you renting?

[Steven]

We're renting.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. How much is your rent every month?

[Steven]

It's about 1550, all included.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good grief. That's pretty cheap for a Toronto apartment, huh?

[Steven]

Yeah, yeah, we. Yeah, we're really blessed. It was. It was a good find. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So how much do you make a year?

[Steven]

About, like, household income is around 65.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So right now you're 100% leveraged.

[Steven]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The annual income you bring home, is that. Is that total or is that take home?

[Steven]

That's take home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Steven]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you owe exactly what you bring home on a yearly basis.

[Steven]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you're in a rent situation. That's good. Now that might go up. So let me just say this. Your body would be failing you if it let you sleep all night right now. Okay. Because it is recognizing we have an emergency here. We just added another human to a scary financial situation.

[Steven]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Steven]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So hear me say this. Your body's not broken. There's not something wrong with you. It's doing exactly what it should be, which is to ring every alarm it has and says, hey, we got a problem. How big is your apartment?

[Steven]

Two bedrooms. It's. It's a nice size, but. But there's four of you can be challenging. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. And if you're like most modern families, do you have car seats and diapers and strollers shoved inside this apartment? Everywhere? Are you surrounded by stuff?

[Steven]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Steven]

For sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. So your body would be failing you surrounded by all of these material possessions and clutter and shenanigans and chaos if it let you sleep all night knowing there's stuff everywhere. Okay.

[Steven]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is. What's the state of your physical health? You exercising, you getting out, you sleeping?

[Steven]

Well, sleep's a limited resource at the moment, but luckily, like, our. Our second's been sleeping pretty well, so we're trying to get that where it can.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You did a great job avoiding my question. Completely avoided it, but I. Well played. That's a good dad. Right? What is the state of your sleep and your physical health?

[Steven]

I would say definitely needs improvement.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Not good.

[Steven]

Yeah. No, no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And listen to me. I'm not judging you. I'm just. Here's what I'm Trying to do. I'm trying to put some things on the table.

[Steven]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's the state of your friendships? When's the last time you hung out with the guys?

[Steven]

Probably like the week before. We had our, our daughter, I think. Yeah, we had some people over to visit and see her and like a couple buddies of mine. So that's, that's been good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, but they came over inside your chaotic full two bedroom apartment with four people and they had to move diapers and wet wipes out of the way, right?

[Steven]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So that's, that is you performed for some friends and that's cool, but I'm talking about guys you can get away with and you can drop your shoulders and you can go, whoa.

[Steven]

Yeah, right? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, there's two of you taking care of one. That's different. When. Now it's man to man. That's a different game. It's not a bad game. It's just a different game. Right? So here's all the things I'm telling you. You have a built in system of a couple of things I've heard you say, okay, you have somehow equated putting the truth on the table with something is wrong or I'm gonna put something on the. Like I'm gonna put truth on the table. And there has to be somebody to blame. Okay? You're supposed to be tired. If you have two kids under two inside of a two bedroom apartment, you're supposed to be. And we're not blaming any kids. We're not blaming our wife, not blaming anybody. It just is. And yeah, you're. One of y' all needs to get some sleep. And we don't have time to even breathe, much less hold hands, much less sit by each other on the couch. And your body needs some exercise. I'm not saying you have to go to the gym and start taking protein. I'm not. So I'm saying at all. But there's got to be some time when you put one of those kids in a stroller and head on down this, down the street for 30 or 45 minutes, right? Or you do some body weights out on the. You do some push ups and sit ups out on the porch and people look at you funny. All I have to say is this. I want you to develop a posture of not letting a life happen to Stephen. But I want this be the moment that you stand up and throw back your shoulders as the father of two tiny little girls and as the husband of a great, amazing wife and say, I'm gonna Not go around these things that I'm scared about. I'm gonna begin walking right freaking through the middle of them.

[Steven]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Steven]

That's good. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I want you to be honest about what is my body trying to protect me from? We have a messy, scary, fragile financial situation. So, honey, this is going to be nuts, but I want us to go bananas over the next 24 months and pay off as much of this debt as we owe as we can so that nobody owns our family. Right?

[Steven]

That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. It is cool and hip and modern for if one person's up feeding in the middle of the night, we're both up. And that's just nuts because somebody has to have a clear head and a night of sleep.

[Steven]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You being a supportive, loving partner for your wife is incredible. You holding those girls whenever you can and you feeding those girls whenever you can, all that's amazing. And if you put your body on a path towards peace, your body's not going to be anxious in the moment. Your body is anxious. It's trying to get your attention. When you get on a path and you show your body, I'm back in the driver's seat and somehow you scrounge together 2,000 extra dollars and all, suddenly that debt next month is 63 and the month after that is 61. And then three months from now, there's a five in front of that number. Your body stops being so anxious because it knows you're driving again. You get what I'm saying?

[Steven]

Yeah, yeah, I hear you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We can. You might be nervous, you might be scared, but you're not gonna be anxious because you're driving again.

[Steven]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Steven]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna send you a copy of Building a Non Anxious Life as my gift to you.

[Steven]

Okay, thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you and your wife to use that as a roadmap. Let's build a non anxious life for our home. That doesn't mean we're never going to be anxious. That just means when we do get anxious, it's going to be our body trying to get our attention. And that's a good thing, but it's going to give you a step by step guide, like, here's the things we need to look at for our home. And by the way, if you get on this path, and I've been here too, anxiety medication saved my life. There's a season I needed to do it, but it wasn't to avoid the realities of our finances, of our clutter, of my relationships, of my physical health. It just turned the alarm system volume down some so that I could go do those things. But if you find yourself, you're on the path, you're doing these things and you're still anxious, anxious, anxious. Dude, go talk to somebody, man. What an amazing time in history we get to do talk to people. But there's a series of action steps and I. We've just all been taught to go around the anxiousness and do. The only way to heal from that anxiousness is to go right through the middle of it. Building a non anxious life. It's. It's my number one bestselling book. I'm going to send it to you for free. Dude, I'm so grateful that you called. I'm also going to send you questions for humans decks, all three couples decks, because I don't want you to lose touch with your wife. And so maybe while she's feeding one of the kids and the first kid is asleep and the second kid's eating, y' all can pull out these cards and just do two or three of them just for fun, just to remind yourselves we're still together on the same team. You're going to learn about each other while you're doing all this stuff. Last thing is get one or two men in your life who are four or five years down the road. They have a five year old and a seven year old or a ten year old and an eight year old or whatever and tell them, dudes, I'm going to text y' all 24, 7, 365. When something comes up, a weird rash problem with my marriage, a weird thing that pops up, I'm gonna text you guys. And I'm counting on YouTube to be my light in the darkness. I need a couple of men in my life just a little bit ahead of me. That's your job, is to find those guys. It could be at work, it could be a local church, it could be just down the street and neighbors, whatever. If you have an older brother, even if you trust your dad, like, I'm gonna text you and I just need you to be like, yeah, you're on the right path. It's totally normal. Or this one, you. You need to give us a call. But, dude, I'm proud of you, Stephen. Congratulations on this new baby. It sounds to me like your body's working pretty dang well trying to get your attention. And so instead of running from that alarm, let's head right through the middle of it and begin looking for where those fires are. And we're going to start putting the fires out. We'll be right back. Have you ever hit a stretch where you're just off like you're showing up for everyone else, but inside you feel disconnected and anxious and overwhelmed. You can't catch your breath. You can't think straight. You can't shake that feeling that something's not right. If that's where you are right now. Number one, you're not alone. And number two, I want you to dig into the 40 Day Challenge starting August 13th on the Hallow app. It's called the St. Michael's Lent. Now, don't let the name throw you. It's not about a bunch of religious rules. It's about newfound freedom. It's about reclaiming peace in a world that's constantly pulling us towards chaos and about learning to fight back. Not with noise and not with hustle, but with quiet, with truth, and with prayer. Over these 40 days, you're going to learn how to reflect. You're going to learn from people like St. Francis of Assisi, who's a guy who walked away from success, comfort, and control to chase something real. And you'll walk through topics like pride and lust and envy and anger, not with judgment, but in a way that helps you see these things clearly and finally let them go. If you're ready to stop chasing and start listening and learn how to reflect, join me in this 40 day challenge right now. You get three months for free at hallow.com deloney I want you to go check it out. That's Hallow. H-A-L-L-O-W.com DeLoney all right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it?

[Elizabeth]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, dude, look at you. Hold on. You like earlier this morning, you had long sleeves on. I could tell you flex because you've been working out and the sleeves just shot off your sweatery thing. That's amazing. Beefcake 2000.

[E]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There, you see? Is that not a good thing?

[E]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I thought women want good arms.

[E]

We do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go. Yeah, you're just blew the sleeves off your. Off your shirt. That's amazing.

[E]

Right off.

[Steven]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's incredible. Good for you.

[E]

Anyway, so this is from Sarah in Maryland. And so this is one's a little different. This is more some praise for some advice you gave and that she was. She's praising you for the good advice.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so that is different here that people. Anybody says anything nice to me. Yeah, there you go.

[E]

All right. Hey, John. And team. And team just like to reiterate, you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Always put that in there. But whatever.

[E]

I just finished the May 23 episode where John suggested to a dad to start a journal as a gift to his daughter on her 16th birthday. Now, as a 30 year old daughter of a great man who journaled for the majority of his life way before Deloney, I cannot cheer you on enough in this advice. After his passing when I was 21, my mother handed me a few journals from the months leading up to and after my birth. What a cherished moment. I was able to see the vulnerable side of my father that I'd never experienced in my life. There was exhaustion, love, fear and anticipation in his words. They have been something I have returned to over and over in the last decade of hardships fought and celebrations enjoyed all without him. I could not stress to listeners enough. Take it from me firsthand. John is right. Your children don't want things, they want you. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wow, that's awesome. So it's so good. I have not done that enough for my daughter and I need to take my own advice on that. So Hank, he's 14, he's 15 now. He, my son, he's become obsessed with this show. He listens to it all the time. Like every time a new, a new episode pops in, he's like, ooh, there's a new like. And at first I thought he was making fun of me and I realized, no, he's kind of into it. But we were walking the other day, him and I were just walking out in the woods somewhere and he said, hey, dad, how do you know all that stuff? And I looked at him, I was like, what are you talking about? And he's like, all that stuff that you like on your show, how do you know all that? And I was like, well, you know, I've got doctors. Like, you know, that's what I do for a living. Here's what I saw him like, slowly like, oh, my dad's not an idiot. And my dad has like an inner life that I don't know about. And you know what I mean? Like, I thought you were the stupidest guy I know and, huh. And I realized one day he's going to see all the journals that I've written in and get to know his old man. But I realized I have kept a separate world in a weird way. And how much cooler would it have been to begin to let him know who his dad is? The things I'm scared about, things I'm happy about as we're going. And then I've got a nine year old so I can make this One right with her. She's a little bit younger, but anyway, I love that idea of kids seeing that their parents were real 360 degree people and they had a great inner life. Those journals are amazing.

[E]

This was for a much shorter time, but we had. Somebody bought this before us, before we went to Ukraine to adopt our son, our first one and our first child. And it was a. Every day during. While we were. We were there for six weeks. So like I said, it was shorter, but it was. Every day while we were there, we did a journal about, like what we did that day, how we felt about it, what was happening in the process, how we were feeling as things were. Like, the day we met him is in there. You know, the day we decided, the day of court, the day we brought him home. But we wrote, both of us wrote every day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dang.

[E]

And some of it's just about like, hey, we went to visit this today or whatever. Or, you know, we went to this weird restaurant and had weird food or whatever. But he loves that we've given it to him in the past year or so of seeing kind of what we were going through and about how terrified we were. One of our forms was messed up and we didn't think we were going to bring him home and how that felt and all that. And he loves reading that. So having that for years at a time would just be just like, I lost my dad at the same age she did at 21. And what a joy that would have been to have known that stuff. So that's. That's fantastic.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I love it. Good call. Thank you so much for sharing that. And man, good on you guys. Let's. Let's give our kids a legacy, not only of like a checking account and life insurance, but possibly of our inner world too, because I think it's going to make our kids feel a little bit more loved and a lot less alone. Love you guys. Bye.