My Husband’s White Lies Are Ruining Our Marriage

Summary

---

The Dr. John Delony Show – December 22, 2025

Episode: My Husband’s White Lies Are Ruining Our Marriage
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)
Main Theme:
This episode focuses on real and nuanced conversations about relationships—specifically tackling issues like chronic lying within marriage, healthy confrontation, boundaries with in-laws who cross the line, and how to talk to your kids about sex in religious families. Callers bring deeply personal dilemmas, with Dr. Delony guiding them toward courageous, empathetic, and practical responses.

---

1. Approach to “White Lies” in Marriage

Caller: Jade
Segment Starts: 00:05

Main Issue

Jade asks how she can confront her husband’s long-standing habit of telling seemingly insignificant lies without it feeling like an attack, noting he struggles with confrontation and emotion.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Patterns and Origins of Lying

  • Jade describes her husband as ex-military, current law enforcement, and emotionally reserved.
  • She’s noticed “little things that would get elaborated on,” dating back to their friendship as teens.
  • Lying seems to serve his need to look better or protect himself, even over trivial things (05:23).

• Deeper Root: Self-Worth

  • Dr. Delony highlights that beneath small lies, especially ones that “make absolutely no sense,” there may be nagging issues of low self-esteem:
    • “You see a guy who doesn’t love himself as much as you love him.” (07:06, Dr. John Delony)
    • Jade strongly agrees.

• Shift the Frame: For You, Not Against Him

  • Dr. Delony encourages Jade to reframe the confrontation as an act of love and self-care:
    • “I want to change it from against him…to for you.” (06:27, Dr. John Delony)

• Cumulative Breakdown

  • Even “insignificant” lies can erode intimacy:
    • “It’s not death by a .50 cal—it’s death by BB gun.” (08:54, Dr. John Delony)
    • “I am losing the ability to stay anchored to you, not because I don’t love you, but because I can’t love you more than you love yourself.” (09:03, Dr. John Delony)

• Practical Roadmap for Conversation

  • Lead with Personal Vulnerability: “The most powerful people who use power well and long term always go first.” (12:15, Dr. John Delony)
  • Invite, Don’t Attack: Jade should begin, “I always lead with judging you instead of being curious about you. And I’m sorry.” (13:05, Dr. John Delony)
  • Acknowledge Possible Shared Patterns: Recognize if she’s replicating his childhood dynamic (“I feel like I’m his mom”), and apologize for it with genuine intent.
  • Set Structure: Propose a specific, screen-free conversation, ask him to just listen, and plan a follow-up after he’s had time to process (19:53).

• Important Boundaries and Safety Checks

  • If Jade suspects infidelity, serious financial issues, or feels unsafe, this vulnerable strategy isn’t the best approach (15:29).

Memorable Quotes

• “Have I created a world where he doesn’t feel like he’s enough?…I’m not giving him a pass…but if you lead first in this situation and you’re honest…I don’t know another path that would be more genuine.” (14:33, Dr. John Delony)
• “Going first…is such a display of strength and power. It’s walking up to a guy with a sword and saying, ‘I could cut you with this. I’m going to lay it down because I don’t want to fight. I want to be together.’” (16:52, Dr. John Delony)
• “Thank you so, so much…your desire to continue loving this guy and also saying, ‘I can’t be in a house where everybody lies to me.’” (20:46, Dr. John Delony)

---

2. Talking to Kids About Sex in Religious Households

Caller: Colton
Segment Starts: 22:43

Main Issue

Colton, a father of adolescent boys, is anxious about how and when to have “the sex talk,” especially given how damaging secrecy and shame around sex were in his own upbringing.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Normalizing Openness and Affection

  • Dr. Delony urges parents to model healthy physical affection:
    • “You need to have affection for your wife that makes your teenage boy roll his eyes.” (27:31, Dr. John Delony)

• Demystifying the Conversation

  • The ‘sex talk’ should not be a one-time event but an ongoing dialogue.
  • Lead with humility and vulnerability: “You take him out and you tell him…this is your dad being honest with you in a way I’ve never been honest before.” (26:12, Dr. John Delony)
  • Use actual anatomical words—penis, vagina—without shame or embarrassment.

• Combatting Shame and Misinformation

  • Name the elephant: kids today are exposed to sex early via peers and the Internet.
  • “Social media and pornography is a horrific place to learn.” (30:40, Dr. John Delony)
  • Teach that pleasure and curiosity are natural but best expressed in healthy, respectful contexts.

• Inclusion of Both Parents

  • Both mom and dad should be involved, normalizing language around sexuality and body parts.
  • Example: “When your 13 year old son comes down in gym shorts and no underwear, her being able to say, I can so see your penis. Go put on underwear.” (32:10, Dr. John Delony)

• The Role of Faith Communities

  • Dr. Delony laments how churches and religious traditions have unintentionally forced kids to learn about sex from damaging sources.

Memorable Quotes

• “The greatest gift you can give him is an expression of healthy intimacy, not sexuality…two people who would burn the world down for each other.” (28:27, Dr. John Delony)
• “I have not had the talk with my kids…it is an ongoing conversation that goes on all the time.” (36:52, Dr. John Delony)
• “You are teaching your kids you’re always a safe place. You’re always going to be curious first.” (38:42, Dr. John Delony)

---

3. Navigating Disrespectful In-Laws and Protecting Peace

Caller: Nicole
Segment Starts: 40:31

Main Issue

Nicole’s father-in-law became drunk and verbally confrontational in her home. Her husband failed to intervene. Now, with holidays approaching, she’s unsure if she should allow her father-in-law back or how to proceed.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Boundaries and Partner Responsibility

  • Dr. Delony: “The next right step is for your husband to go sit with his dad and say, ‘You did this to my wife…’ Nobody raises their voice and points their finger at my wife at my kitchen table, period.” (43:11, Dr. John Delony)
  • Nicole’s only responsibility is to maintain her boundary; her husband must take the next action.

• Refusing Emotional Manipulation

  • Dr. Delony calls out the true source of pressure: “Your father in law is not pressuring y’all. Your husband is pressuring you.” (44:53, Dr. John Delony)
  • Unless and until her father-in-law acknowledges his behavior and offers a genuine apology with promises to change (especially regarding alcohol), Nicole is under no obligation to allow him back.

• Understanding Generational and Emotional Dynamics

  • Acknowledges husband’s reluctance may be tied to his childhood dynamic:
    • “As soon as his dad gets going, your husband turns into a six-year-old boy again.” (46:34, Dr. John Delony)
  • Urges compassion but asserts: “I don’t want your dad continuing to come between us. His dad…made choices…and he gets to own the path back.” (49:30, Dr. John Delony)

• Prioritizing Peace over Illusions of Family Unity

  • “You’re going to feel…bad because your husband’s not with his dad over the holiday season. But I’m willing to bet your home will have more holiday peace than it’s had in years.” (51:01, Dr. John Delony)

Memorable Quotes

• “As for me and my house, I don’t walk on eggshells anymore around anybody.” (48:14, Dr. John Delony)
• “I love the idea of a husband…having the opportunity to put his shoes on, his boots on and stomp all over the eggshells. Because I ain’t walking on eggshells anymore.” (52:15, Dr. John Delony)
• “Nobody comes in my house and disrespects my wife.” (52:20, Kelly)

---

4. Bonus: Listener Story & Reflections

Segment Starts: 53:46

• A listener shares how Dr. Delony’s “Questions for Humans” card decks inspired her to create an Advent marriage calendar for her brother and his new wife, aiming to help them avoid some of the struggles in her own marriage.

---

5. Overarching Tone & Approach

• Direct, empathetic, and practical
• Emphasis on vulnerability, going first, and owning your part
• Willingness to challenge both cultural norms (“what you read on TikTok won’t help here”) and family-of-origin patterns
• Consistent message: true intimacy is built on curiosity, humility, and the courage to set and hold boundaries—even, and especially, when it’s uncomfortable

---

Summary Table of Notable Quotes & Timestamps

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|-------------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 07:06 | Dr. John Delony | “You see a guy who doesn’t love himself as much as you love him.” | | 08:54 | Dr. John Delony | “It’s not death by a .50 cal—it’s death by BB gun.” | | 12:15 | Dr. John Delony | “The most powerful people who use power well and long term always go first.” | | 13:05 | Dr. John Delony | “I always lead with judging you instead of being curious about you. And I’m sorry.” | | 27:31 | Dr. John Delony | “You need to have affection for your wife that makes your teenage boy roll his eyes.” | | 28:27 | Dr. John Delony | “The greatest gift you can give him is an expression of healthy intimacy, not sexuality…” | | 36:52 | Dr. John Delony | “I have not had the talk with my kids…it is an ongoing conversation that goes on all the time.” | | 43:11 | Dr. John Delony | “Nobody raises their voice and points their finger at my wife at my kitchen table, period.” | | 44:53 | Dr. John Delony | “Your father in law is not pressuring y’all. Your husband is pressuring you.” | | 48:14 | Dr. John Delony | “As for me and my house, I don’t walk on eggshells anymore around anybody.” |

---

Perfect for listeners who want actionable strategies for confronting hard truths in relationships, this episode is filled with wisdom about self-worth, healthy boundaries, and breaking cycles of shame and avoidance—delivered with Dr. Delony’s trademark candor and care.

Transcript

[Jade]

How can I confront my husband about his habit of lying without making it feel like an attack?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What are the latest round of lies?

[Kelly]

What's the latest big one that has brought you here?

[Jade]

I don't think there's any, like, infidelity or anything like that. I fully trust him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you don't. Hold on, hold on. You don't. You know, there are things beneath the surface.

[Kelly]

Dude, I'm so glad you're with us. So glad you're with us. We're here talking about your marriage and your relationships and who you're dating and your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. So glad that you're with us. I'm John on the Dr. John DeLoney Show. Just so grateful that you joined us. All right, Kelly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Kelly]

So much. So much here. And I know it's like, we're supposed to, like, get right to the calls, but so much. So. Two things, number one or three, we had this money marriage weekend where we had couples from all over. I mean, there was international couples. There was everybody. It was awesome. Came up here to Nashville, and we had an, like, it's by far the best marriage retreat I've ever been a part of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It was awesome.

[Kelly]

And this is not a sales pitch.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But we are doing it again.

[Kelly]

Valentine's weekend. If you're thinking of the right Christmas.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gift to buy and you want to double dip and do Christmas and Valentine's.

[Kelly]

In one fell swoop, man, come join us in Nashville over the Valentine's Day weekend. But it was awesome. And the next morning, it was over. We got done late that night, Saturday night, got up Sunday early morning, and me and a local comedian, Matt Taylor, we drove to Chicago to do a standup event in a. In a comedy club there in Nash. I mean, in Chicago. Completely sold out. It was packed. And so it was like, toggling from, like, teaching about marriage to just ripping jokes. And, dude, like, you and the gang are like legends. It was awesome. They were like, dude, where's Kelly? And, like, just having a few Kelly jokes was the best it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And.

[Kelly]

But they weren't laughing with me. They're laughing at me on your behalf.

[Kelly's Colleague]

And I very much appreciate that.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

It.

[Kelly]

Dude, Seeing how much love they have just in a comedy club. Like, 300 people packed into a dark room. It was snowing outside, and it was just. They were ripping. It was so fun. And also, somebody at Money Marriage brought you guys this shirt that I think is a complete abomination.

[Kelly's Colleague]

So for those that are listening and not watching, the front of it says, Is Deloney the problem? There's a little check box that says yes. And then my favorite part, the back.

[Kelly]

Says Team Kelly, which I think is complete false. And all y' all are wearing these shirts today?

[Kelly's Colleague]

Yes, I gave. I told him. I was like, you don't have to wear them. It's totally up to you. I would just like, they're all team.

[Kelly]

Kelly too, because you're their boss, which is kind of ridiculous.

[Kelly's Colleague]

But not all of them. Just a couple of them.

[Kelly]

A couple of them. It was awesome. But dude, amazing weekend all the way across the board. Everybody here in Nashville, everybody there in Chicago. And I love seeing Kelly get some shout outs and even Nate, dog be money. Even Alex and on Amana, everybody. Dude, it's awesome. I love it. Love it. All right, let's go out to Morgantown, West Virginia, Talk to Jade. What's up, Jade?

[Jade]

Hi, John. How are you?

[Kelly]

I'm so good. How are you?

[Jade]

I'm shaking out of my pants right now.

[Kelly]

No, keep your pants on.

[Jade]

I'm so nervous.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

What's up?

[Jade]

Oh, well, I'm really sick, so forgive my voice. I might be a little crackly.

[Kelly]

Oh, you're so good. I'm glad you're here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Jade]

Yes, I'm going to jump in. My question is, how can I confront my husband about his habit of lying without making it feel like an attack?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who?

[Kelly]

That tells me that you're. He doesn't handle confrontation very well.

[Jade]

That is correct.

[Kelly]

Tell me about that.

[Jade]

So. Well, it's. I don't know if it's relevant. He's ex military, current law enforcement.

[Colton]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't care. He's a grown up.

[Jade]

Yeah, okay, agree. But the emotion side of it is very lacking. I had kind of written down, I didn't want to get sidetracked, but we were really good friends growing up. And during that time I would pick up on little things that would get elaborated on or exaggerated about and elaborated on.

[Kelly]

That's such a nice way to say he lied a lot.

[Jade]

Yeah. But at the time, you know, we're kids, kind of just wrote it off, didn't pay attention to it, like thought he was impressed, trying to impress me. And after we got married, I kind of still continued to pick up on the things and I noticed some of them are motivated about or they're motivated about him trying to make himself look better or some of them make absolutely no sense. And it's really so seamless that it's almost like he's telling the truth. And I don't know how to confront it, and I haven't in almost 10 years because I know how it's going to go, and it's gotten to the point where I kind of need to.

[Kelly]

Okay, tell me what's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What. What are the latest round of lies or what's the latest big one that.

[Kelly]

Has brought you here.

[Jade]

So.

[Kelly]

Or is it just cumulative?

[Jade]

Well, it's kind of cumulative. There's been little ones in the. In the past couple months. It's. It's. I'm tell. It's very insignificant things that make no sense. Like, why would you. Why would you lie about that? And, I mean, that makes me think that there might be bigger ones.

[Kelly]

Exactly. Well, I can.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me say.

[Kelly]

I can guarantee you there are.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

And you know that.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right.

[Kelly]

You just got choked up there. What do you. What do you think the bigger ones are?

[Jade]

I really honestly don't. Because I fully. I don't think there's any, like, infidelity or anything like that. I fully trust him.

[Kelly]

But you don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on, hold on. You don't. Now you're going back to.

[Kelly]

You're going back to old you.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If we're going to do this, we're.

[Kelly]

Going to do it together. But.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know, there are things beneath the surface. Or. Let me say it this way. Let me. Let me.

[Kelly]

Let me change t tracks here a little bit.

[Jade]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's say there's no. Yeah. I want to take a completely positive.

[Kelly]

Altruistic approach to this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Nicole]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want to change it from against him.

[Jade]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To.

[Kelly]

For you.

[Jade]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get that frame?

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So this conversation is for you. Let's say he would never cheat on you. Let's say there's no secret accounts. He's not spending money that y' all don't have. Let's say that all of that is. Is, like, when you get down to it, he's actually a foundationally strong guy who. You see a guy who doesn't love himself as much as you love him.

[Jade]

Yes.

[Nicole]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you see a man who feels like I've got to sand off every rough edge because I don't think I'm worth this woman that I'm with.

[Jade]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Never have, never will.

[Jade]

Yes. That is exactly. Yes. That's on. That's how. Exactly how I feel.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Jade]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So if that's the. If that's. If that's what in your guts you believe to be true, that really what you have in front of you is a guy who's dedicated his life to serving other people and that you still see the same 16 year old boy trying to impress you because he doesn't think he's enough. Right. And that maybe he has to. And I'm not saying this, I'm not saying this laughingly. I'm saying this serious. He has to jack up his Jeep or his truck. He has to always be carrying. He has to, has to, all of these things. Because when he looks in the mirror, he's not enough.

[Jade]

Yes, yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then you are sitting by this man that you've dedicated, you've given your whole life to and you're like, no.

[Kelly]

But I see it.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If that's the case, that's the path.

[Jade]

Okay. To bring it up to him, like go down that path to bring it up to him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

That would be my approach.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which is I'm tired of sharing a bed with somebody who is so hard on himself. You can't even tell me the truth about the trash or the politics or about the.

[Kelly]

The light bill.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Jade]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to know that I love you enough that I see all of you. I've seen all of you since we were teenagers. And it's coming out in these little bitty cumulative lies. Like it's not death by a 50 cal, it's death by BB gun.

[Jade]

Yes, that's exactly it. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And so I am losing the ability to stay anchored to you, not because I don't love you, but because I can't love you more than you love yourself.

[Nicole]

Right.

[Jade]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then you've got to have some data there.

[Nicole]

Sorry.

[Jade]

Another, I don't know point. I feel sometimes him and his parents have some strife and sometimes. I know you say that we marry our unfinished business and sometimes I feel like I'm his mom.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Jade]

And in both how our relationship is and just in the things I say and do and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that. Give me an example of that.

[Jade]

Gosh. He came from a hyper religious household where he was never good enough. And I did not come from that. But I found the Lord later in life. And I wouldn't call myself hyper religious, but I'm very set in my ways. And so like I was just in casual conversations, I'll say things and I can tell he gets turned off. And he's a Christian, like we're on the same page. He's just not as open about it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Jade]

And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you know why?

[Jade]

Yes. Because he's been.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Jade]

Railed by his parents. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. It's an electric fence. He can't touch.

[Nicole]

Yes.

[Jade]

So Is that something that I should kind of like? Because I feel like he has all of these things going on inside of him that can't be brought to the light, I guess because he's afraid to bring them to the light. And I don't want to give him a reaction that makes him like, crawl back in a shell when I bring something up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So that makes sense 100%. I have always found, like, we talk about power in our culture and I recently heard Brene Brown say this, and it was the most powerful sentiment I think I've heard in the last decade. Like, I'm still ruminating over it because it was so powerful, which is when you look at powerful leaders who use power over somebody, it's almost always an expression of what they're most deeply scared of.

[Jade]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And when you see people use power with or underneath, it's people who are projecting into the world what they believe to be right and good.

[Jade]

Yes. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what I mean. When I. If a grown man accosted my 15 year old son, I would exert power in that situation because I believe my son is worth treating with dignity and respect even though he's a 15 year old boy. Right, Right. I would get underneath him to. To challenge that situation. If I need to express my power over a 15 year old so I can feel a little bit bigger in my house, because this is my house.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

These are my right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Then what I'm most scared of in the world is losing my son or him becoming a man underneath me, which is the whole. My whole role is to help him.

[Kelly]

Become a grown man.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. So I tell you that to tell.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

You the most powerful people who use.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Power well and long term, always start these conversations by going first.

[Jade]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so for you, it might simply be sitting down saying, I need to talk to you for two hours and I need to tell you some things that I need to make right with you. And I need you to stay present with me and not roll your eyes. No phones, no screens. This is a big deal for me.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And if he won't have that conversation, then you all have bigger problems. And you know that.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My guess is he would though, right? Maybe.

[Jade]

I honestly do not know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Okay. And I would start the conversation with the words I say on the show all the time. I just realized over the last 10, 15, 20 years that we've known each other, I always lead with judging you instead of being curious about you. And I'm sorry.

[Jade]

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And anytime somebody leads, not with A fake sorry. Because everybody knows if you're lying with a fake sorry.

[Jade]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. If you lead with actual. To use your faith, traditions word, actual repentance. I mess this up and I realize I'm duplicating what you grew up with, and I'm sorry. That ends today.

[Jade]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That would be a path to. That's an invitation.

[Jade]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm gonna be honest. You know this, and I know these officers I spent my career working with, with police officers and with people, with. With veterans. There's some that will fill that space that you've just created with. With their own inflation. I knew it. And. And weaponize it. Right.

[Jade]

Yeah. He's more of the quiet side.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Jade]

He retreats.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. And so. And so calling it out. I'm going to say some hard things about your. Me. Your wife. And I need you to not retreat. I need you to stay here.

[Jade]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it might be.

[Jade]

I don't know what it is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And I might be. I need you to hold my hand while I tell you this, because it's hard for me to say these things out loud. Okay.

[Jade]

All right. Sounds good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And this goes exactly counter to every bit of wisdom you're going to get on the Internet or on TikTok, right?

[Jade]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because they're going to tell you your husband lies. So you need to do boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And it takes a really brave, wise, honest person to say, have I created a world where he doesn't feel like he's enough now? I'm not giving him a pass. We're going to get to his actions, and you'll get to a place where you say, I can't. When I'm choosing to be curious, I can't always be wondering if you're telling me the truth.

[Jade]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But we'll get to that. But if you lead first in this situation and you're honest, like, you really believe that you've helped create this. Co. Create this context. I mean, I. I don't know. I don't know. Another path that would be more genuine and more honest. And again, conflict is connection that would bring you all together through this tense moment.

[Jade]

Yeah, I agree. I agree.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you can't go up there and just totally roll over either. Right?

[Jade]

Right. Yeah. There's a balance.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's a balance. Right. But if you're inviting him, if you think that there's an affair going on, this. This might not be the best track. In fact, I know it wouldn't be if you think he's got a hundred grand in gambling debt you don't know about. And you just have that 6 sense that's just brewing. This isn't a good t. A good track no.

[Jade]

That's not a definite no. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And if you're not safe, if he's abusive or will scream and yell or whatever, he sounds like a guy that works really hard to take his anger and bottle it up. And he just says, the best thing I can do for everybody, including my wife and myself, is to retreat to Bailey.

[Jade]

Yes. That is exactly it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Jade]

And he's. And he's. I mean, he's amazing. He really is. That's why we were best friends, and that's how we got started. And it's just, you know, it's just inflated over the years and become a thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if you say the words, I'm so sorry, I've. I've become your mom. And you don't deserve that. And I don't want to be that. I want to be your wife. I want to be your old, like, hot girlfriend again. Right. And he's a lot. He's maybe co created a world where he's kind of forced you to. Right. And so. But you going first is such a display A, of. Of strength and power, and B, it. It's walking up to a guy with a sword and saying, I could cut you with this. So I'm going to lay it down because I don't want to fight.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want to be together.

[Jade]

Yeah. That's good. Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so at the end of this. And you might want to write all this out. When I have these kind of conversations in the past with my wife, I've written it out because I get all jumbled up.

[Jade]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm an over emotional guy.

[Jade]

Not. I can't relate anything with that, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, being able to say, I'm gonna not be your mom anymore and it's gonna take me some time to practice. I'm going to. I want to hear about what's going on inside of you when it comes to your faith.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I recognize you grew up getting hit for saying what you believed or didn't believe anymore. And I. I want to tell you, like, Jay, like, one of my favorite things about being married to the person I'm married to is we have different beliefs.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

I love it.

[Jade]

Yeah, definitely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But one of our values is we're always looking for truth and we share that. And we just end up in different places sometimes. Which is awesome. Which is why I send her an episode of a podcast and she Sends me a book to read. Like, we're always challenging each other's beliefs because we're anchored into the same value, which is we want to know the truth, right? Yeah, but, man, if you can get there. I'm talking if our world leaders, if our business leaders, if our husbands and wives and this and our teacher would lead like this. You're talking about a transformed society. But that's too big for you and me. But we can do this in our homes, right?

[Jade]

Yes. I love that. That's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so I think lovingly confronting him in this moment is walking up to him and inviting him in with whatever way you know how to invite your husband.

[Kelly]

You know it better than I do. I'm just throwing stuff at the wall.

[Jade]

But yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Going first. And again, everybody listening.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

This only works if you know the.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Person across the table from you is a person of character. And they're not going to weaponize your vulnerability. They're not going to beat you up literally, physically with it. But they are seeking connection, too. They just don't know how to put their hand through that electric fence and they're not going to do it anymore. Man, what a powerful shift inside your home. Do me a huge favor, Jade. Write this stuff out. Invite him to this hour or two hour conversation. Tell him, hey, I don't need you to say anything. I just needed this out on the table. And I want to plan tomorrow morning or tomorrow evening after you've had some time to process it. I want to plan another hour. We circle back because I want to hear from you. And that way he doesn't have. He doesn't have to defend himself in the moment. He doesn't have to defend you in the moment. He just gets to metabolize it a little bit. And my hope is he steps up, he really steps up and will come back to the table and say, you're right, I struggle with telling the truth or God, yes, I know. I'm always sanding the edges off. I'm always fudging the corners. And I'm not going to do that anymore. And I'm going to work hard, like, be more honest about X, Y or Z. I'm going to send you and it's going to sound patronizing, like I'm trying to make a sale before Christmas.

[Kelly]

I'm not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm going to send you the Questions for Humans intimacy deck and the Couples decks. And here's why. Having a neutral third party thing, having a deck of cards that puts questions on the table, allows the relational pressure to Be on the deck of cards, not on each other.

[Kelly]

Because it's like, hey, the deck asked this question, not me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it sometimes acts as, like, a workaround for that initial pain because you.

[Kelly]

Can get me mad at the deck. Like, ah, that's what it said.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm gonna send all four decks to you, and I want you to keep those. This isn't for the first couple of conversations, but this is for ongoing date night. This is for the weekly meeting. You're gonna have to talk about your calendar or whatever. This is gonna be that. And you can use a couple of these just to kind of grease that conversation. Thank you so, so much, man. The way you ask that question is so beautiful. And your desire to continue loving this guy and also saying, I can't be in a house where everybody lies to.

[Kelly]

Me or where you lie to me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Being able to hold that tension is so great. Tension is the path forward here. You're the best. Thank you so much. Jade, let us know how this conversation goes.

[Kelly]

I can't wait to hear about it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When we come back. A man wonders how to have the.

[Kelly]

Talk, the talk with his kids. We'll be right back.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

Merry Christmas, everybody. Have I got news for you. I've partnered up with my favorite knife company on the planet and also my wife's favorite knife company on the planet, Montana Knife Company. They make the best knives on earth, period. Between the woods and the kitchen, I need knives. My whole family needs knives that actually hold up over time. I bought the chef's knife set for my wife several years ago and. And she still uses it every day. And I've got a number of Montana Knife Company knives for all of my outdoor adventures like hunting and fishing. I love them. Their knives are designed, tested, and built by real hunters and real cooks. And when you pick one up, you can immediately feel the quality. Montana Knife Company knives are proudly made in the usa and they're razor sharp right out of the box, and they are tough enough to last a lifetime. If it ever needs sharpening, you just send it back and they will sharpen it and send it back to you for free. They're gifts that I give to loved ones, to special people in my life, and to business partners who I've worked.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

With over the years.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

I love them. Give the outdoorsman and the cook in your life knives that they will love and actually use forever. Go to montanaknifecompany.com to see what's available. Right now you can. You won't be disappointed. And I promise you they Will sell out. Montana Knife Co. Does limited runs, so you better get there soon. That's Montana Knife company dot com. All right, Atlanta, Georgia.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's talk to Colton. What up, Colton?

[Colton]

Hey, John. Thank you, sir. Taking my call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course, brother.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

Thank you for calling in.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Colton]

Yeah, so I'll ask a question, and I'll give a little bit of background. That's why I'm asking the question. So my question is, is how do I have the talk about sex and things around that with my voice? My oldest is 13, so I feel like I'm late to the game on it if I'm not. If I've not had that conversation before now. But reason I'm asking is because me, my wife, we grew up in super religious backgrounds, very strict on that. And the way sex was portrayed to us back then was, you know, sex is bad, you know, touching, all that kind of stuff. I mean, even up until we got married, when we were engaged and stuff like that, we weren't. We didn't spend no time alone with each other, things like that. So it. There was a lot of unanswered questions when it comes to that. And then we. We got married, and then it was like, you know, hey, you know, everything's on the table. Have a good, you know, have a great day. And kind of left in the dark on it. So me and my wife, we. We got married when we were 19, and we weren't. We weren't ready for marriage at all. I know I've heard you say, you know, that sex is, you know, the symptom, not necessarily the cause.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That can be the cause too.

[Kelly]

But, yeah, I can.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It can. It can bubble up in your.

[Kelly]

In your sex life, for sure.

[Colton]

That's right. And so we had a very unstable few years, first few years of marriage, talking about from emotionally to financially, all that. And sex was a big one. You know, the only thing I knew about was from work. My parents never did talk about it. She knew next to nothing. Her parents never did really talk to her about it either. And what happened was is it kind of developed a lot of anxiety around it on her part. Yeah. And at the beginning of our marriage, it was more of what drove us apart than it did bringing us together. And now that we know that, the thing is. The thing that, you know, I'm struggling with is I. You know, even though we don't have the exact same scenario as what I had, you know, both of us had growing up with our boys, the. I feel like the. The strong and Healthy connection with it needs to be talked about.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Kelly]

Big time.

[Colton]

And I don't know how to broach that subject because, you know, I never did have that.

[Kelly]

Yeah, man. The a.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The fact that you're asking this question and the way you just talked through it is amazing.

[Colton]

Thank you.

[Kelly]

I'm proud of you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And I'm proud of you and your wife not giving up on each other, even if y' all just stayed together because somebody in your faith community said.

[Kelly]

God would hate you if you did. Like, whatever.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

It doesn't matter.

[Kelly]

Y' all are here.

[Colton]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it tells me that y' all kept fumbling through it and you kept scratching and clawing, not just for a better sex life, but for each other. I also. I just have to do this just for entertainment value.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, you for sure know you're about.

[Kelly]

Like, probably nine years late on this one, right?

[Colton]

I know. Okay.

[Kelly]

All right. All right. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So everybody listening? The earlier the better.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

You gave me a road map, which.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is the exact roadmap I want you to use with your 13 year old, which is you take him out and you tell him, this is not the big sex talk, but this is your dad being honest with you in a way I've never been honest before.

[Colton]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which is my mom and dad. I knew there were certain things we were not allowed to talk about in our house. Okay. And this is going to stop. And I've started to do this again, and I'm ending it today.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so what you're going to do is you're going to lead with where you mess this up.

[Colton]

Where.

[Kelly]

Mess this up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which is not what strong southern religious men are trained to do with. Especially with their boys, right?

[Colton]

No, not at all. You're going to go on. That's how. That's how it was with, you know, my. My. My family and then. And even her family. It was. It's a very private thing even to show outward affection, you know, and that can be just right, you know, hugging or kissing or whatever it is, you know, never did see that a lot. And I can. I am. I can say that me and my wife have come a long ways when it comes to that. So it's nothing for, you know, you know, them to see us hugging or whatever.

[Kelly]

Oh, wow. It needs to up it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Up it.

[Colton]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You need to have affection for your wife that makes your teenage boy roll his eyes.

[Kelly]

I'm serious. I'm serious.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

Not full on groping.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't be doing boob grabs in the kitchen or whatever. But he needs to see that when you walk in the door, you avoid him and go straight to her for a 30 second hug.

[Colton]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That y' all kiss too long, that her hands creep down a little bit.

[Colton]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or that she whaps you on the.

[Kelly]

Booty as you're walking out. If that's okay for both. Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying? Like in having him go, oh, gross.

[Kelly]

That'S what you're looking for.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, Now I've talked to people, even on this show, who take that way too far.

[Colton]

Yeah, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm not saying about that, but the greatest gift you can give him is an expression of healthy intimacy, not sexuality. He's 13, but. And God, there's some things in his head that he.

[Kelly]

Everyone has the story of. They walked in on their parents. Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He doesn't need that. But he does need to see this is what sexuality outside of a bedroom expressed by two people who would burn the world down for each other.

[Kelly]

This is what that looks like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And even if it's awkward. Especially if it's awkward. And I want you to be intentional about saying body parts out loud.

[Colton]

Yeah. And. And that's why I struggle with.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know you do. I know. But I want him to hear you say the words.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

Say it and say.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It with somewhat of a smile on your face.

[Jade]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like looking at your 13 year old boy being like, son, I've never said penis before. And I got one and you got one. And his eyes will get as big as saucer plates. And you can also with a smile on your face, not laughing, making fun, but a smile and say, you've never heard me say vagina. And that's where you came from. And hopefully he goes, oh my.

[Kelly]

Like, I hope that happens.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's what we're doing. We're just taking the temperature down around the conversation.

[Colton]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And you leaning over.

[Colton]

That's the thing. Concerned about it, you know, because they go to public school. We weren't, we were homeschooled. But so I know they've heard stuff that's, that's not, you know, but I know what I heard from work, you know, before brother. Brother got married.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It is nothing compared to what they're hearing.

[Colton]

Oh, I'm sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And be honest with you, every one of their friends has a smartphone. Everyone. So hearing his dad say, son, you've never heard me say boobs before. Like his eyes will pop out of the back of his head and they should.

[Kelly]

Cuz you're his dad for God's sakes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But, but you can say, I know you're seeing this stuff. I know your friends are talking about this stuff. And I need you to know there is nothing more amazing than this, especially in the right context. And I've not done a good job of letting you know I'll always tell you the truth. And these idiots are not going to tell you the truth. And social media and pornography is a horrific place to learn.

[Colton]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so hearing your dad say boner or erection will blow his mind. But also you telling him, I get him too. And if you tell him in context, you're probably waking up in the middle of the night. That means your body's working perfectly.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And suddenly. Oh, I don't have to be ashamed of my body. I don't have to. Of course that feels good when I'm in the shower. Like all those things. Again, not. We're not being crass, but it's letting him know, dude, I'm a guy too.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And this thing is amazing. And I'm. Here's the, here's the cup thing. I want him to walk away from that conversation not knowing the mechanics of.

[Kelly]

Sex and blah, blah, blah. Y' all will get to that stuff.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But in this conversation, I want you to not poke a hole. I want you to blow up the balloon around the tension. I'm a safe place.

[Kelly]

And I'm a guy, too.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

And Christians have body parts, for God's sakes.

[Colton]

Yeah. That's right.

[Kelly]

And your body's not disgusting or gross in any shape, form or fashion.

[Colton]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Kelly]

And it's just going to be leading by example.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then here's what I have found the magic, not just in my house.

[Kelly]

But with, with anyone I talk to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is your wife leaning into this too? Yeah. And here's what I mean by that. When your 13 year old son comes down in gym shorts and no underwear, her being able to say, I can.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

So see your penis. Go put on underwear.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And. And here's what we're doing. We're teaching him that moms can say those words too.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that he. There is appropriateness. Right. You got to put on underwear and whatever. And I can see like all. But we're just taking the temperature down on the conversation.

[Colton]

That's right. And, and currently, right now, it's, you know, more just looking at me saying, hey, go deal with it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She.

[Kelly]

She's got to be involved in it.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you.

[Kelly]

This, this never happens in my house.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if you take it too Far.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

Then you want her to hit you.

[Colton]

Yeah, like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And not. And playfully.

[Colton]

Right, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because we're also going to teach our boys there's a time and a place. And so when my son ripped off what I think is one of the single funniest. That's what she says of all time. My wife hit me because I started laughing so hard. And she knew he got that from me. And I was able to say, hey, when you and I. There's a time and a place.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

When you and I are out in.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The hunting or when you're with your buddies, there's a time and a place for jokes.

[Kelly]

And that's your mom, dude.

[Colton]

Right, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

It is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's. It. It again, it's not making a mockery. It's not making. It's just saying sex is. None of us would be here without it. And it could be one of the most amazing parts of your life, especially if you have a ride or die spouse that y' all commit to service and to loving all that stuff that. You know.

[Colton]

That's right. But man, that's the thing that. That really blew me. My wife's. You know, mine was the fact that when we. When we figured out how. How much it affected the relationship, we were like, wow, why. Why haven't we heard more? Or why don't people talk about it more in a healthy way with. With the right person?

[Sponsor/Announcer]

It's one of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's one of the great colossal failures.

[Kelly]

Of the faith communities.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because what they have done is they have forced kids, young people, into the open arms of the algorithms.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because kids are curious. Thank God. That's how the species has survived. That's right. And kids have learned that. My parents, the two most important people who are teaching me about how the world works, have let me know this is off limits. And the church has burned it down in schools. The church doesn't talk about it in the buildings. The church doesn't talk about it at homes.

[Kelly]

They don't teach parents how to talk about it.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And not in a very clinical way, but in a dude. It's hilarious and it's fun and it's messy and there's noises and there's smells. There's all this stuff to it that when you get. You remember, you get dumped into a room at 19 or 22 or 25, and you think something's broken, you think something's wrong, you think something's off.

[Colton]

Right. That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you have the chance. You can't change that globally unless you want to go to your church leaders and say, this is stupid and we're harming a generation of kids. We're forcing them into the. And into pornography being their sex ad.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, but you can change this in your house.

[Colton]

Yeah, absolutely. And that's what I want to do. That's because I don't want them to develop an unhealthy.

[Kelly]

There you go.

[Colton]

You have it based on what they've heard, you know, because what. What they've heard from their buddies or, you know, when they go to work or whatever it is, it's not going to be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No.

[Colton]

Yeah, no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And also, it's going to be something that. Here's what you take from somebody.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sex is something you try to extract from a person instead of. Sex is connecting. It is stress relieving.

[Kelly]

It is.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

Feels awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's a way to honor somebody. It's a way. It's all those awesome, amazing things. But again, you letting him know, hey, I got no, none, zero training on this. And so you. You tell him, I get to have.

[Kelly]

A red face when you ask me a question. It's not because of you. It's because of me.

[Colton]

That's right.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

I get to go.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Penis. I. It'd be like.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

It's not because anything's wrong.

[Kelly]

It's because your old man's awkward.

[Colton]

Yep.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

Right.

[Colton]

Absolutely.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

And you give him that permission. Good God almighty.

[Colton]

Yeah. Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's. That's. I mean, in this. Here's the other thing. This cannot. People ask me all the time. I got asked 25 times this past weekend at a marriage retreat I was running. How did you have the talk? The talk, the talk. And I have to tell every one of them. I have not had the talk with my kids.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It is an ongoing conversation that goes.

[Kelly]

On all the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. All the time.

[Colton]

That's the thing where it gets. It gets presented, you know, because I've looked up online trying to figure out, you know, and it's always presented as the talk that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That is a catastrop. Because here's what it does. It heightens the drama.

[Colton]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. Now, I have had very specific talks about, hey, you're this age now. Here's what's about to be coming your way.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, you're going to be tempted in this way. Like, here's this. Here is the way my son's going out on.

[Kelly]

On to his first dance last year.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here is how you honor somebody else's daughter.

[Colton]

Yeah, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But those, like, we have those kind of moments. Right. But they're not one and done events. Sexuality has to be. And I'm talking about sexuality like everything from like I say, like your wife going, hey, put some underwear on. I can see your wang dang all the way through your shorts. Right like that, all the way to, hey, you're 18, you're about to go to college. Here's what's about to happen. Or you're 16 and you're about to go on your first date.

[Colton]

Yeah, you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want to walk you through some choices I want you to make today.

[Kelly]

Before you head into that car.

[Colton]

Right, right, right. And it opens up the door from work.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, gosh.

[Colton]

You know, understanding more and them, you know, receiving it better.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

I think telling the 13 year olds, of course you want to see naked people, of course.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because it's awesome and there's a context for it.

[Colton]

Right, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so leading with that, my God, dude, you're talking about a transformation of a generation. You are teaching your kids that you're.

[Kelly]

Always the same place.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're always going to be curious first.

[Kelly]

Instead of, that's stupid, let's move on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And about all kinds of topics. But as for you in this one, man, I'm so, so proud of you, dude. Amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing.

[Kelly]

Now, now you got to go make it happen. I'm grateful for you, brother.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We come back, we talk to a woman who is torn between protecting her peace and preserving her husband's relationship with his dad.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

This time of year, we're giving away our time, our money. And sometimes, without meaning to, we're giving away something way more personal, our personal data. And this is why I use and recommend Delete me. I like a good deal as much as the next guy, but I want you to remember that every email click, every newsletter signup you do this holiday season is yet another piece of your personal life that you're handing to someone else. And that information often doesn't stay with them. Shady data brokers grab it, bundle it and sell it. Your name, your phone number, your address, all of it's floating around out there in some digital wilderness. And that's how you end up with all those spam calls and weird text that make you feel like someone's watching over your shoulder and checking out your digital life. If you want to take back your privacy and your peace, you need delete me. They're like a digital cleaning crew. They find your information on these data broker sites, they get it removed, and they keep it gone. Peace does not just come from turning off notifications. It comes from knowing Your data is not for sale. And right now you can get 20% off your annual plan when you go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney that's join J-O I N JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney all right, St. Louis.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Missouri, let's talk to the great and wonderful Nicole. What's up, Nicole?

[Nicole]

Hi, Dr. John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How are you?

[Nicole]

I'm doing okay. I'm a little nervous, but I'm happy to be talking to you.

[Kelly]

I'm glad you called.

[Nicole]

Yeah. Yeah. So about seven months ago, my husband and I invited my father in law over for dinner. And as the night progressed, my father in law ended up drinking quite a bit. And things escalated to where he ended up raising his voice at me and pointing his finger at me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Whoa. Over what?

[Nicole]

Yeah, and so it was silly, honestly. I think it was just. I think it was a combination of alcohol and just conversation. And he's always been kind of a confrontational person, but things have never risen to that level of disrespect. So I did your husband kick him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Out of the house?

[Nicole]

So it's funny that you say that. So I actually ended up asking him to leave and he refused. And he just kind of continued sitting at our table. And so I excused myself from the situation. And after about 30, 45 minutes, he ended up leaving.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where was your husband in all of this?

[Nicole]

Yeah, so he was, he was here. He was. He witnessed the whole thing. And, you know, he did not respond in the way that I would expect my husband to, if I'm being completely honest.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Nicole]

Dude, have you told him? Kind of.

[Jade]

I did, I did.

[Nicole]

So we had a pretty honest conversation after the fact. And I just, you know, explained to him my disappointment in his lack of response and like, you know, just, just being on my side and something like that. And if he acknowledged that and apologized and, you know, so moving forward, if that, you know, something like that happens again, you know, he knows how to respond and would do such. But so now I, and I told my husband, I said, you know, he's not welcome back in my home. I'm not in a place where I'm willing to tolerate that level of disrespect from anybody. And he agreed. But that was seven months ago. And so now time has passed and the holidays are coming up, and he's been kind of pressuring my husband to see us. And I just don't really know, you know, you always say, like, what the next right thing is. I just don't really know what that is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The next, the Next right step for you is you have done the next right step.

[Nicole]

Okay. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The next right step is for your husband to go sit with his dad and say, you did this to my wife. Well, she was talking. I do not care what she said in any shape, form or fashion.

[Nicole]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nobody raises their voice and points their.

[Kelly]

Finger at my wife at my kitchen table, period.

[Nicole]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if you want to see my wife again, my expectation is you will call her or go see her and apologize.

[Nicole]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there is no more drinking at my home.

[Nicole]

Yes. Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the next right move is your husband's to make.

[Nicole]

Okay. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He does not want to do that. Then he is behaviors of language. He is choosing for your father in law to never come to your house again.

[Nicole]

Right. Right. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Period. End of story.

[Kelly]

Conversation's over.

[Jade]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if that man calls you and says, I really screwed up and I'm sorry, I disrespected my son's wife, I disrespected you in your own home, and.

[Kelly]

I apologize deeply and I will not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Drink at your house again, which, by.

[Kelly]

The way, none of this is going to happen. You know that. I know that. But.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I'm not drinking at your house anymore. I messed up. I'm sorry. Then you have a choice. Your next right step is am I going to let him in my home or not?

[Nicole]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you have made the next right step.

[Nicole]

Okay. Okay. I just, Yeah, I, I. And, and my father in law has not like reached out to me at all. We haven't seen or.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but here's the thing. I want you to also own what's actually happening here.

[Nicole]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your father in law is not pressuring y'.

[Jade]

All.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your husband is pressuring you.

[Nicole]

Yes. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And let's own that. If you circling back and saying, hey, I'm headed down a path of just not respecting you again. Because your father in law is trying to hand you a cinder block and you're handing it to me instead of you handing it right back to your dad.

[Nicole]

Right, right. That's. That's hard to hear.

[Kelly]

I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it's true. It's true.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And again, I. Again, this is going to sound counter to anything you're going to get on the Internet. Right. So I want to as. As hard as the Texas mail in me. Right. Once. I mean, I'm just trying to see. As you were talking, I was trying to imagine what that would be like.

[Kelly]

In my house if that happened.

[Jade]

Right, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, and again, I'm over dramatic and.

[Kelly]

I'm over responsive, but the thought of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Somebody being in my house, yelling and pointing at my wife across our kitchen.

[Kelly]

Table, dude, that would not end well at all for anybody.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right?

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

I'm thinking of my dad.

[Kelly]

My dad, bro, no chance.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so, but here's the thing.

[Kelly]

I'm draconian on some of those things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm also irresponsible on some of those things. So I want to circle all the way back and give your husband. Because here's the thing, if this is happening to you, I guarantee you this was the childhood he grew up in, right?

[Jade]

Oh, for sure. Yes.

[Kelly]

Okay, so we don't have to, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We could choose compassion with him.

[Jade]

Huh?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And as soon as his dad gets going, your husband turns into a six.

[Kelly]

Year old boy again.

[Nicole]

Like, like, yeah, physiologically I know what happened.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It is.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And we could beat him up for it. You're a grown man. You married me. You, we could do that. And in a strange way, you could probably be justified doing that. But we also know that doesn't work because then he becomes a six year old in your house too.

[Nicole]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or we could say, hey, I see this happening again as an outsider. Here's the next right move for us.

[Nicole]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is you standing up on two feet and you going back, taking that center block that your dad's trying to hand you, that he's turning and trying to hand you. I need you to hand this back to your dad and say if you want to see us again, if you even want an inkling, if you want to be welcome to knock on the door again. Here's that path. And your husband's going to have to go from a 6 year old to a 30 year old man overnight. It's going to be hard. And it might cost him his quote unquote relationship with his dad. And if your husband was on the phone with me, I would tell him you've never had a relationship with your dad other than his dad got a, A lifetime punching back.

[Nicole]

Yeah, yeah, right. That, I mean, that breaks my heart. Of course it does, you know, for my husband.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But your heart is already broken for him because y' all been playing a charade.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Nicole]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, absolutely. It's always. Yeah, yeah. It's always like walking on eggshells around. Around him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. And so it's your husband saying, as for me and my house, I don't walk on eggshells anymore around anybody.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if, if you all still get financial support from him, I know 30 year old men who are all still.

[Kelly]

On their dad's cell phone plan, like all those, like, still paying their car insurance kind of stuff, then y' all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gonna have to reckon with that reality.

[Nicole]

Yeah, yeah. No, it's nothing like that. He does. He does speak to him on the phone, like, at least once a week. I mean, for that relationship. And I want him to have that relationship.

[Jade]

Like, that's.

[Nicole]

That's something that I, you know, I want for him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know. But I want to challenge you on that. I don't think you're. I don't think that's true.

[Nicole]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't know that I would want my wife in that kind of relationship with anybody.

[Nicole]

Right. Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where every week your husband is checking a box to basically, he's putting on a mouthpiece and putting on boxing gloves. Every week.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Nicole]

To keep the peace.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To keep the peace.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's not that. That isn't. That's not peace.

[Nicole]

Yeah, for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not peace.

[Nicole]

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay.

[Kelly]

So if.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you're. If your husband. Like.

[Kelly]

By the way, this is very hard.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If your husband wants to call me, I would love to talk to him, talk him through this conversation. But here's the thing. I think the path back to your husband is your dad is still. Even though he's not at our kitchen table, he's still finding a way between the two of us. And I'm not going to allow that. I don't want your dad continuing to come between us. His dad, a grown man, made choices, and so he made choices to disengage from this relationship. He then has to own the path back to re engagement, which in this case is a profound, heartfelt apology and behavior change. And he gets to choose. But your husband needs to hand that cinder block right back to him and say, dad, I'm not going to carry this. You got to go set this down at the feet of my wife. And by the way, your husband is owed an apology, too. I'm sorry I came into your house and got drunk at your table and.

[Kelly]

Disrespected your wife like that. I embarrassed you as my son. I'm sorry. That's the path.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I wish it was. I wish it was more complex than that, but it really isn't. And I can guarantee you, I just tell you right now, y' all are going to go this holiday season without seeing him. And I would further say, because he's.

[Kelly]

Not going to go do this stuff. I'm just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I hate to be a negative Nelly.

[Kelly]

But he's not going to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But there will be grief in your home that he's not there. And you're going to feel, quote unquote, bad because your husband's not with his dad over the holiday season. But I'm willing to bet your home will have more holiday peace in it than it's had in years. Because you're not going to have a rabid dog walking in the front door that you never know who's who they're going to bite. You're going to be sad that there's no dog in the house. But, man, y' all might have peace for the first holiday season in a long, long time. And also, I wouldn't do this show if I didn't believe in redemption. Maybe he does. Maybe old man calls you and says, I need to talk with you. And if you really want your dad to have relationship, I mean, your husband have a relationship with his dad and.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

You have this picture one day of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This grandfather who loves your kids. This may be that moment and you could decide to enter back into it with, you know, some behavioral conditions.

[Kelly]

But.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sorry this happened to you. I really am. And, man, I love the idea of a husband of a son having the opportunity to put his shoes on, his boots on and stomp all over the eggshells.

[Kelly]

Because I ain't walking on eggshells anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because as for me in my house.

[Kelly]

Nobody comes in my house and disrespects my wife.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thank you so much for the call, Nicole.

[Kelly]

We'll be right back.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I want to talk about traditions. Traditions are things you do every week or every year, and they can be great and sometimes they can feel like an obligation. The holiday season is a great time to reflect on holiday traditions, the valuable ones and the not so valuable ones. Therapy can give you space to think about the old traditions that may not be serving you anymore and help you consider how you might create new ones. And if you're thinking about therapy this holiday season, I want to recommend my friends at Better Help. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists, and they're one of the leading online therapy providers in the world. And they're trusted by millions of people. They have an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They're just great.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

BetterHelp is totally online, so it's easy to fit into your busy holiday schedule. To get started, just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. If it's not the right fit, you can change therapist at any time. For no extra cost. This month, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Visit betterhelp.com deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L P.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, we're back.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

Something cool that happened.

[Kelly]

What's up, Kelly? Yes.

[Kelly's Colleague]

So this is from a listener who asked me to first of all not say her name. And she asked me to wait until after Christmas. So this shows airs on the 29th. Okay, so now I'm going to read this one. My younger brother got married this year and I used your questions for humans, couples and intimacy decks to put together a new marriage advent calendar for he and his wife. I included questions every day, date night, prompts, and other resources to help build their marriage toolkit.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dang.

[Kelly's Colleague]

My own 10 year marriage has been very difficult, but trans has been very difficult. But the last 18 months have been transformative and I feel that some of these simple tools could have saved us a lot of heartache. I love my brother and his wife dearly and want to support their new life together. Your questions and teachings have helped me do that. Thank you for the work you do to help people connect and grow in their relationships.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, Ms. Anonymous, thank you for being somebody that has seen your challenges and you don't want somebody else to experience them in the same way.

[Kelly]

So you're actually like taking action steps to help somebody love well in their new marriage. That's awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Congratulations.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

Hey, it's in between now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's in between Christmas and New Year's. This is when I want you all to really start doubling down on your friends, on work, on your marriages, on the person you're dating. Who are we going to be in 2026? Who are we going to be? And then we're going to start putting action steps on the calendar that are.

[Kelly]

Going to back up these new identities.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

2026 is common and you get to choose what kind of year you want.

[Kelly]

To have and you get to choose who you want to be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Love you guys.

[Kelly]

Bye.