My Racist Husband Thinks I’m Too Sensitive

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode Title: My Racist Husband Thinks I’m Too Sensitive
Date: January 30, 2026
Podcast Network: Ramsey Network
Host: Dr. John Delony

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Episode Overview

This episode features three main caller segments, each delving into complex personal and relational challenges. The first caller, Kristen, seeks advice on addressing her husband's escalating racist and misogynistic behavior. The second caller, Anthony, reconnects with his adult daughter after adoption, struggling with how to build a meaningful relationship. The final caller, Thomas, contemplates whether to buy a house together with his fiancée and in-laws. Dr. John Delony navigates each scenario with directness, empathy, and a focus on personal responsibility and clear boundaries.

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Segment 1: Kristen – Confronting a Spouse’s Hurtful Behavior

Philadelphia, PA
[00:05–16:10]

Main Issue

Kristen calls seeking guidance on how to get her husband—who’s become increasingly racist, misogynistic, and cruel—back into couples counseling. She describes discomfort with his comments, especially as they’re made in front of their children.

Key Discussion Points

• Escalation of Negative Behavior

  • Kristen observes her husband’s shift from making ‘colorful’ or inappropriate jokes to genuinely mean-spirited, hateful comments.
  • “It used to be where it was like funny and good natured, and now it just feels like, like much darker and it just, it bothers me.” (Kristen, [05:29])

• Denial and Deflection

  • When Kristen expresses her feelings, her husband claims she’s “too sensitive” and blames contemporary culture for being “overly sensitive.”
  • “If somebody’s response is ‘Oh, you’re just too [sensitive]’, then what they’re trying to get from that conversation is a sense of power over. And that’s not marriage. Marriage is being with, not over.” (Dr. John Delony, [07:52])

• The Importance of Explicit Communication

  • Dr. Delony asks if Kristen has been direct with her husband and recommends a proactive, scheduled conversation (not in reaction to a specific outburst).
  • Script for confrontation: “I’m uncomfortable with this. I don’t think this is funny. I think this is belittling and mean. These aren’t jokes with the community. These are jokes against people. And I just don’t want to have that. And I especially don’t want it around my kids.” (Dr. John Delony, [09:39])

• Deepening Distance & Longing

  • Kristen misses the man she married, feels like she can’t be herself, and is grieving the loss of connection.
  • “I used to really like him and I used to like being around him and now I just can’t.” (Kristen, [10:37])

• Potential Causes

  • Dr. Delony theorizes her husband is likely immersed in a toxic online ecosystem, possibly compounded by the stresses of his law enforcement job, which may be fueling his anger and negativity.
  • “My guess is he’s consuming media 24/7, 365 … the algorithm serves up to him is circulating this madness and nonsense.” (Dr. John Delony, [14:15])

• Call to Action

  • The heart of the needed conversation: expressing sadness, concern, and boundaries, not just seeking therapy as a quick fix.

Notable Quotes

• “I don’t think counseling is his problem. His problem is he sucks.” (Dr. John Delony, [02:54])
• “If your need to make racist jokes or misogynist jokes that you’re getting off the internet, if your need to do that is more important than your wife feeling safe and loved, then we’ve got bigger issues in our marriage.” (Dr. John Delony, [13:19])

Memorable Moment

• Kristen gets emotional, expressing grief and fear that perhaps the person she loved “never existed.” ([13:52])

Timestamps

• Problem introduced: [00:05–02:29]
• Dr. Delony’s assessment: [02:54–05:29]
• Conversation strategies: [07:43–09:39]
• Deeper emotions: [10:37–13:19]
• Addressing the root of the issue: [14:15–16:10]

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Segment 2: Anthony – Reuniting with a Daughter After Adoption

Washington, D.C.
[20:35–34:48]

Main Issue

Anthony, who gave his daughter up for adoption as a teenager, reconnects with her as adults. He’s anxious about overwhelming her and unsure how to navigate their new relationship.

Key Discussion Points

• Background

  • Anthony’s daughter found him via a DNA test after 25 years; they’ve started communicating and the experience has been deeply moving.
  • “It was, it’s, you know, something I was dreaming about for 25 years.” (Anthony, [21:22])

• Struggling with Contact

  • He second-guesses himself, afraid to reach out too much and scare her off, resulting in long lapses in communication.

• Dr. Delony’s Roadmap

  1. Be Honest About What You Want – Envision clearly what a “full relationship” looks like and be direct about it.
  2. Address Your Shame – Write a letter to his 18-year-old self, acknowledging the difficult, courageous choice made.
  3. Communicate Directly with Daughter – Set up a call, explain his desire for closeness but willingness to go at her pace, and explicitly ask her what kind of relationship she wants.

• Let Her Lead

  • Dr. Delony emphasizes respecting her boundaries and following her “roadmap,” but not letting shame drive avoidance.
  • “Let her drive … let her give you a picture of what you want this to look like in the short term and in the long term.” (Dr. John Delony, [26:31])

• Courage Over Comfort

  • The risk of heartbreak is worth the possibility of a meaningful relationship.
  • “What you have to be willing to do is to have your heart broken in pursuit of her.” (Dr. John Delony, [29:17])

Notable Quotes

• “That courageous young girl is now an adult and she reached out and I feel vulnerable and exposed all over again. And I’m going to be a true father, a true man. I’m going to head right into that discomfort…” (Dr. John Delony, [31:11])

Timestamps

• Background and dilemma: [20:35–23:07]
• Dr. Delony’s steps for Anthony: [23:07–28:57]
• Guidance on maintaining momentum: [28:57–31:05]
• Closing encouragement: [31:11]

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Segment 3: Thomas – Navigating a Home Purchase with In-Laws

Nashville, TN
[34:48–45:29]

Main Issue

Thomas wonders whether he should buy a house jointly with his fiancée's parents to save money and share close family ties, or opt for independence.

Key Discussion Points

• Pros and Cons

  • Thomas names benefits: cost savings, shared support, a loving and tight-knit in-law family, and future caregiving.
  • Dr. Delony clarifies the risk: joint ownership of property creates legal and relational complexity, alters the power dynamic, and entangles Thomas’s marriage in ways that can breed resentment.

• Firm Advice

  • “Do not co-buy a house with your future in-laws, please. God almighty.” (Dr. John Delony, [37:01])
  • Renting from in-laws (with a lease), or in-laws gifting a cash down payment, are alternatives that keep healthier boundaries.

• Maintain Autonomy in Marriage

  • Dr. Delony stresses Thomas and his fiancée need to build their own household's identity and avoid always being ‘second’ to in-laws’ wishes.
  • “What I want you to do is establish your roots. Establish your own tent pole, even if it’s under the same tent.” (Dr. John Delony, [38:59])

• Legal and Emotional Boundaries

  • Avoiding legal co-ownership preserves family harmony and avoids introducing business obligations into familial love.

Notable Quotes

• “I really want to give you the privilege of just being my father-in-law and I want the privilege of just being your son-in-law and not also your business partner and not also your roommate.” (Dr. John Delony, [45:14])

Timestamps

• Thomas’s scenario and pros: [34:48–36:47]
• Dr. Delony’s assessment and caution: [36:47–44:28]
• How to phrase boundaries: [45:12]

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Segment 4: Rapid-Fire Listener Question – Trust and “White Lies”

[47:51–48:30]

Brief Caller’s Dilemma

A listener asks if he’s “the problem” for having trust issues with a girlfriend who tells frequent “white lies” about trivial things, like her location or timing.

Dr. Delony’s Response

• “Is it weird that I’m starting to not trust the person who lies all the time? No, you’re not the problem.”
• Small, habitual lies about unimportant things indicate a broader problem with trust; it’s legitimate to be concerned about honesty regarding larger matters.
• “If people lie about little things, they will lie about big things. That’s just the way the world works.” (Dr. John Delony, [48:30])

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Overall Tone & Language

Dr. Delony’s style throughout the episode is direct, pragmatic, and warm, blending humor, strong boundaries, and gentle confrontation. He normalizes difficult feelings, validates callers’ experiences, and never shies away from saying hard truths with compassion.

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Key Takeaways

• Clarity and Directness Matter: Avoiding direct conversations about discomfort only allows problems to worsen.
• Boundaries in Relationships: Whether managing offensive behavior or intergenerational living, setting clear boundaries is essential for respect and healthy connection.
• Vulnerability is Required for Real Connection: Building or rebuilding relationships means risking heartbreak but also opens possibility for deep fulfillment.
• Lies Erode Trust: Even “small” lies create big cracks in the foundation of a relationship.
• Honor the Truth, Even If Uncomfortable: Whether addressing a spouse, reconnecting with a child, or navigating family business, honesty (with self and others) paves the way for growth and healing.

Transcript

[Kristen]

He'll make like, racial remarks and like, misogynistic remarks towards, like, me, other women.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're asking me how to get a guy who is racist, anti Semitic, who makes derogatory comments about women to his wife in front of their kids and to other women to get him to go to counseling? Hey, welcome to the Dr. John DeLoney to show. I'm John. Glad that you're here. I'm a husband and a dad. The guy's been sitting with hurting people for over two decades here in Nashville, Tennessee, taking calls, your calls from all over the planet. Real people going through real challenges. I'd love to have you on this show. If you want to be with us, go to john deloney.com, ask a, fill out the form and we'll see if we can get you on the show. Let's go out to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and talk to Kristen. Hey, Kristen. What's up, lady?

[Kristen]

Hey, John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good. How are you?

[Kristen]

You know, hanging by a thread.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, God. Well, I'm glad that you called.

[Kristen]

Yeah, all good. Yeah, so I, I called. I would just appreciate some maybe guidance or advice on how to ask my husband to go back to couples counseling with me after he made it clear he will not do it again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, so you probably can't because he seems pretty clear. Why do you want him to go to counseling again?

[Kristen]

I, I just, I just see a big change in him and I just don't see how we can move forward in our marriage if, if we don't talk to somebody about it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's going on?

[Kristen]

I've noticed like in the past few years, maybe year and a half or so, just like he's changed a lot as far as like, he'll make like, racial remarks and like, misogynistic remarks towards, like, me, other women, like, anti Semitic remarks towards me. It's in front of our kids and I just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have Jewish heritage?

[Kristen]

I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry, say that again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have Jewish heritage?

[Kristen]

I, I have ancestry in it, but it's not, I, it's not like I grew up in the face or anything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you're asking me how to get a guy who is racist, anti Semitic, who makes derogatory comments about women to his wife in front of their kids and other women to get him to go to counseling?

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't think counseling is his problem. His problem is he sucks.

[Kristen]

Yeah, I know. And it just like, it wasn't like this. He's always been a colorful guy, but like, it's never been like, like this. And I just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What happens when you say. Okay, because, because let's be honest, there was a season when. Even whispering a funny joke or an unfunny joke or an off color joke would get you to where you couldn't have a job anywhere. Right. There was the cancellation years, we call them. And in some places they're still in effect, but other places are whatever. And then we've had the last few years what they're like, everything's back on the table again. Right. And here's, here's the thing. There is a. I live in comedy clubs, right. So I've seen a resurgence in more what I would call off color or like, oh my gosh, I can't believe you said that. Comedy. But at least where I am, it's all part of, it's in good nature and good fun. You get what I'm saying? Like, there's, there's high fives all around in the green room is what I would say. Right. And any jokes are not at people, they are with people. Okay. And hope what I'm saying makes sense.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But then there's been a rise in, or it feels like an unleashing in. Oh, now that we can not lose our job, I'm going to tell you what I really think. And it's not a joke. It's not being silly. It's not being funny. It's not pointing out things. It is, I feel powerful again. I'm gonna hurt people with my words, make myself feel bigger. And so you say, like, your husband's always been a colorful guy. I've always been a colorful guy.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And in my university work over 20 years, I spent a lot of time advocating for groups out on the margin. That's what I, that was part of my job, an important part of my job. And spending time with those people. We would make horrific jokes if told outside of that room. Right. And, but there. So I, I would consider myself a colorful guy, but there's also a time and a place in a context. Right. And so I don't think you'd be calling if your husband was making inappropriate yet kind of funny jokes. It sounds like you're, what you're commenting on is the spirit of your husband has changed.

[Kristen]

Yeah. It used to be where it was like funny and good natured, and now it just feels like, like much darker and it just, it bothers me. And if I tell him it bothers me, he just goes off on like how I'm sensitive and Everybody is so sensitive now, and you can't say anything. And it's like, I just. I'm walking on eggshells all the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay? But this is happening not just with jokes and not just with suddenly this newfound racist person in your house. What's deeper happening?

[Kristen]

I'm not. I'm really not sure. And I. I feel like I can't ask him where.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where else is this research? Where else is this surfacing? Is it surfacing in how he talks to your kids and treats your kids? Is it surfacing in the bedroom and what he expects of you? Where is this surfacing? Is he controlling the money now? Like, where is this else.

[Kristen]

No, no, no. There's. There's no, like, controlling of the money. It's like. It's almost like. Like, he'll try to have a conversation with me, or like, he's just very, I guess, politically minded. He likes to talk about it, and, like, that's just not me. And so he'll try to, like, draw it out of me. And he gets angry. It's like. Or irritated. It's like, I. I don't kind of go along with it or. Or have this conversation with him, and that's where a lot of it will be. Or it'll just be kind of, like, random.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's take joke sensitivity off the table, because that's so unsubjective. I mean, so subjective. Let's pretend you had really sensitive skin and he bought you a. I don't know, like a wool jacket, and it rubbed your forearms in a way that just caused, like, it made them raw. Okay? And if you said, hey, I love this jacket, I love it. You bought this for me, but my skin is really sensitive and it's making my arms, like, bleed, making them itch. Would he tell you, you just got to toughen up and get tougher skin?

[Kristen]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or he say, oh, man, I tried. Yeah, you can't wear that jacket.

[Kristen]

Yeah, he would say that he tried, and I. I don't have to wear it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. When it comes to what hurts my feelings or what is offensive to me or what. Forget offense. What I'm not interested in hearing. If somebody has the courage to say, hey, I don't think that's funny, or I don't think that's accurate, or that's not a conversation I want to engage in, and somebody's response is, oh, you're just two, then what they're trying to get from that conversation is a sense of power over. And that's not marriage. Marriage is Being with, not over. Do you feel confident that you've been clear about, hey, I've seen a shift in you and I don't think these things are funny. And it's not because I'm extra sensitive. It's not because I'm. Or maybe I am extra sensitive. Who cares? I get to be that. But I don't want these jokes in my house. I don't want these jokes around me. And I don't want this kind of language and talk and mean spirit around my kids.

[Kristen]

I guess I haven't been super clear about it. I just like, like, it just, it feels like when I try to tell him, I don't like it. Like, it just like spirals into an argument.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Kristen]

And I just, I was hoping like, if we went back to therapy, there'd be like a third person there that would maybe prevent that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, it's. He's already said, I'm not doing that again. And so it's less about this thing most of the time. Here's what happens. He drops some inappropriate or rude or mean spirited thing out on the table, and in some level it's to get a rise out of the room.

[Anthony]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He gets the rise. And the rise he gets is your push back. Well, he thinks he's right. And so now we're in a fight. So the best time to have this conversation is not after he just said something super offensive. The best time is to say, hey, I want to go have breakfast on Saturday morning, we need to talk about something that's kind of heavy, And you lay it out. I'm uncomfortable with this. I don't think this is funny. I think this is belittling and mean. These aren't jokes with the community. These are jokes against people. And I just don't want to have that. And I especially don't want it around my kids. Call me sensitive. Fine. I don't. You can call me whatever you want. But if you are choosing to be in relationship with me, what I'm asking you for is to stop doing this. But I actually think for you the conversation's deeper. It is you looking at your husband and saying, I'm watching your spirit change.

[Kristen]

Yeah, I used to really like him and I used to like being around him and now I just can't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's the conversation. That's the conversation. And can I. She'd be okay with me saying this? Can I tell you, I became a. In 2010ish. I became a nutritional religion zealot. I became a lunatic about nutrition stuff. By the way, I have no training in nutrition. I've got no degrees in nutrition. This cool new thing called a podcast came out, and I thought I was the smartest guy who ever lived. And I took over parties. I lectured friends. I turned every conversation in every room I was in into a nutritional conversation.

[Kristen]

I'm sure you were the wife of the party.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I ruined every interaction. I destroyed it, man. And it was my wife taking me and saying, I don't want to hear about this anymore. A, I think you're wrong. And B, you listen to a bunch of things on the Internet, and this is early, early podcast, when I was really crushing it and killed. And here's the thing. I got to choose. Do I want to be in relationship with my wife? Do I want to continue to go to parties and events? Do I want people to be. Want to be around me, or do I want to be right? And because she had the courage to have that conversation with me, it was a big dose of cold water to my face. And over time, it really changed to now this many years later. I don't answer any question unless somebody asked me. And then I usually say, this is what I would do in my house or this is what I do. Right. All that to say is that courage changed. I mean, that courage, courageous conversation my wife had changed me. Or at least it planted the seeds of dramatic change. And also, he could look at you and say, oh, my gosh, screw you. I'm out of here. You're just like every other, like, whatever. Fill in the blank with misogynist comment and he can walk out. Do you think he loves you?

[Kristen]

I do. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I think he's worth you telling the truth too. I don't like being around you anymore because you've gotten mean. And when you say mean things about other people, you make it my fault. And that's not the guy I married. And I miss you.

[Kristen]

Yeah, I do. I miss him a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, Tell them that. And if your need to make racist jokes or misogynist jokes that you're getting off the Internet, if. If your need to do that is more important than your wife feeling safe and loved, then we've got bigger issues in our marriage. But I don't think this is you. This isn't the guy married.

[Kristen]

Okay. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How come you're crying?

[Kristen]

I don't know. I'm just a crier. I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, it's okay. Are you scared that he's gonna walk away?

[Kristen]

No, I. I don't have a fear of that. It's Almost like I feel that, or I fear that the person that I fell in love with either is gone or never existed. I just don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I think it's fair to put that on the table. My guess is he's consuming media 24 7, 365 through a pair of headphones, and the ecosystem that the algorithm serves up to him is circulating this madness and nonsense, and it's either a stripped out of context. Right. Or it's just fueled hatred, and then that's just becoming the ecosystem, and he gets to choose. It's kind of like in the old days, our wives would say, like, hey, I don't want you around those guys. It's kind of like, hey, I don't want you around that garbage because it's making you a different person. And he might say, that's always been me. You just like, fine, we got to deal with that then, because I don't want that guy around my kids.

[Kristen]

Okay. Yeah, that makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you believe the stuff he says, or do you believe he's just trying to echo? He's just echoing the trash and garbage that he hears?

[Anthony]

I don't.

[Kristen]

I don't think he. I don't think he really believe. I think maybe somewhere he feels like he does, but I. I think it could be a lot of what he's consuming or seeing or hearing. He's, you know, he works in law enforcement, and so they see and hear a lot of, you know, a lot of things, and I think it's maybe a combination of those two things. He's been in law enforcement for a long time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Somebody who loves them needs to have a hard conversation.

[Kristen]

Yeah, I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I wish you the best. I. I hate that it's turned, and I hate this is happening. And I also know my career with law enforcement officers, and I know that I've sat with guys whose whole beat is particular swaths of a city, and they have a very lived experience of, quote, unquote, these people. This is what I experience every day. It's what I do. This is what the data says. And I get that. I get that. I've sat with those guys, and that doesn't give anybody permission to make huge blanket statements, especially that denigrate broad swaths of people. And even beneath that, when your wife says, hey, it's not funny. I don't want that in the house to then beat up on your wife about it. It's just. Just sucks. Sorry you're going through it. I think it's time to have A hard conversation that begins with I miss you. I hate this. We come back, a man asks how he can build a relationship with his daughter without overwhelming her God. Sounds like I sent this question in. We'll be right back. I've got three dogs and I love them. But when they're not okay, nobody in the house is okay. It's a pain when you can't get the help you need for your pet. And that is why I love Dutch. Dutch is the leading pet telehealth service that gives you 24. 7 access to licensed veterinarians anytime, anywhere. Get this, no waiting rooms, just real help real fast. Dutch can treat over 150 common pet conditions and with about a 10 minute call from your house, you will be on your way to a treatment plan for the pet that you love. And here's the best part. Dutch is super, super affordable. A Dutch membership covers up to five pets and it includes unlimited visits, unlimited follow ups and prescriptions shipped free. With my code, all of this is less than seven bucks a month. You're going to spend more than that just walking into a vet's office one time. The average pet owner using Dutch saves over 800 bucks a year. This is good for your animals, it's good for your peace, and it's great for your wallet. Go to Dutch.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 50 bucks off a year of veterinarian care. That's Dutch. Dutch.com/Deloney. Use code DeLoney. You can see the site for more details. All right, I want to talk to you about Hallow, my favorite app. It's the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world. You all know this. My life is a whirling ball of chaos, just like yours. I'm a speaker, I'm a writer, I'm a dad, I'm a husband. I do this show. I'm all over, everywhere, all of the time. I listen to the daily gospel on the way to work in the car every morning using the Hallow app. This helps me pause and breathe and I just go. It's one of those non negotiable starts to my day. It's a reset button for my head and my heart. And sometimes at night when my brain's still spinning and I got a million more things to do as soon as I wake up, I'll put one of Hallow's sleep meditations or a nighttime devotional on and I quit fighting my thoughts and I just slow down and go to sleep. Hallow has daily devotionals Thoughtful meditations about prayer and leading a spiritual life. All of this stuff is in one place. It helps me pause and reflect instead of just reacting to everything. Bottom line, Hallow helps me have space for peace. And I need that. You need that. We all do. So if you want to anchor your day and you want to begin practicing daily spiritual practices, I want you to check out Hallow right now. When you sign [e-mail] Deloney, you get three months of the app for free. Go check them out. It's Hallow H A l l o w.com DeLoney for three full months for free. All right, we are back. Hit the like and subscribe button and help kick the show up in the algorithms and get it in front of more people. I'm so grateful for you for taking a second to do that. Let's go out to Washington D.C. and talk to Anthony. Hey, Anthony, what's up?

[Anthony]

Hey, John, how you doing, man?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Doing great, brother. How are you?

[Anthony]

I'm doing pretty good. I'm talking to Don Jelani. So life is good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. What's up?

[Anthony]

So I'm calling about an issue. Back When I was 18, back in 1995, my daughter, or my, my girlfriend at the time became pregnant. With my help, of course.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thanks for that clarification.

[Thomas]

Yeah, yeah, no problem.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

With my help, of course.

[Thomas]

And fantastic.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's the best joke I heard today. That's awesome.

[Anthony]

And we, we were both very thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That I may have contributed to.

[Anthony]

Yeah. And we were both very young and I'd actually just enlisted in the army.

[Thomas]

So I had, I'd had a, I.

[Anthony]

Had a four year commitment at that point. So we decided to, to give her up for adoption. Like I said, this combination of factors, being so young and having, having that obligation coming up, we decided it was the best thing to do. So that was like I said 1995 and then turn around to 2018. And she found me through. She took a 23andMe DNA test and found me. She actually found my family first. And my family contacted me and said, do you know anything about this? And I said, yeah, I absolutely do. And she then reached out to me and start, you know, thus started the relationship, which has been awesome. It was, it's, you know, something I was dreaming about for 25 years. And you know, just, I can't even, I can't even put into words what it's been like. The reason I'm calling, the only downside to that is I go back and forth with the situation as far as how I'm Just scared to death to scare her away and contact her too much. And then I go to one side and last, I think last year I went a full year without contacting her. And she of course texted me and said, hey, what's up? You still alive? Everything okay? And I said, yeah, absolutely. You know, I just don't want to, you know, I don't want to be martyr. So, you know, I'm just, I'm really just looking for a kind of to help build a road map towards a just a freaking awesome relationship with her moving forward.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I love that. So I got two important things for you. Okay. And it's going to take some or three important things and it's going to take some real significant honesty and integrity on your part. Okay. And a lot of humility. Okay. Okay, here's number one. I want you to be honest with yourself about what a full fledged relationship would look like and feel like. I want you to see it in 3D 40 HD. I don't know, whatever these stupid TVs do, these, I want you to see it clearly in your fantasy. What would it look like? Yeah, you live by her. You're her dad again. You, you all go to breakfast once a week, y', all, she's over for the holidays. Like go all the way there and if it's not that, be honest with yourself. That really I want to text you once a month because the lack of clarity is going to make you nuts and it's going to be very confusing for her.

[Anthony]

Yeah, well, I mean, I can tell you, John, what I mean what I want. I have two other kids and I love my kids 110, you know, I don't go half in and I want, you know, I want that full package with her. But I, I've been very careful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Anthony]

So far to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's going to leave me number two. Okay. Because I figured that's what you wanted or you wouldn't be calling.

[Anthony]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Number two is you have to with it within this week write a letter to 18 year old you thanking him for being courageous.

[Thomas]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because the shame in. Is just dripping off of this call.

[Anthony]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean there's shame at my level of maturity and, and you know, discipline at that age that I. There wasn't a. Well, we made a great decision. I think it was perfect. She ended up with a freaking awesome family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Anthony]

And nothing there's been. So far there's been nothing bad. It's been like I said, nothing. The only bad part is or negative part is just, just trying not to screw it up or not to, you know, ambush my. My opportunity for a long relationship with her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so that leads me to number three. And this is the simplest yet the. I don't know. I think it can be the easiest thing in the world. I want you to set up a phone call with her. Text and say, hey, when you have about 20 or 30 minutes, I'd love to talk with you. Are y' all in proximity where y' all could meet?

[Anthony]

No, she actually just recently moved overseas. Okay. So she's not. She's not in the area anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Anthony]

A face. I mean, our Actually. Our first interaction was actually a FaceTime before we met, person to person.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Is she overseas for good? Is she on a deployment, or will she be back? What's the status there?

[Anthony]

No, she. Well, she's. She lives in Puerto Rico. She. They're just there, I think, probably temporarily.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Anthony]

Living the island life and doing, you know, it's something that they always wanted her and her boyfriend always wanted to do. I think so. So I would call it fairly temporarily.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And ask if y' all could set up a FaceTime or a Zoom time.

[Anthony]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then I want you to tell her, since you found me, like, a missing piece in my heart has been filled. And I have to be honest with you, I have this vision of a pretty amazing relationship with you, but I want to honor you. And so I want you to give me a picture of what you want this to look like in the short term and in the long term.

[Anthony]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And let her drive, which is kind.

[Anthony]

Of what I've done so far. I've kind of let her dictate things, you know, like, green light, red light, green light, red light kind of thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you got any red lights yet?

[Thomas]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Anthony]

No, no, no, really, Like I said, in fact, you know, I kind of put up the red light and then contact her for a while, and she.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why'd you do that? Why'd you do that?

[Anthony]

I actually, I. For the first time, I missed her birthday. And when I say missed, I just. I'd always remembered it in my mind, even if I didn't talk to anybody about it. I just knew that that was her birthday, and I actually missed it, and I. You know, I was just ticked off of myself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, that's shame. That's shame. Yeah. And so as a dad, we go to the next right thing, we call the next day and be like, dude, I suck. I completely missed your birthday, and I'm the worst. Check your mailbox.

[Anthony]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what? I'm saying, like I, I want you to. And that's what a lot of that shame comes is. All the way back to 18 year old you. As much as you think you've processed it, write that kid a letter and tell him thank you.

[Thomas]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then. Dads mess up, man. We mess up. And we compound it by silence and we compound it by weight. Don't do, don't compound it. You're gonna mess up. You're gonna say the wrong thing or whatever, but it's just.

[Anthony]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Making the next phone call.

[Anthony]

And I kind of knew that too. In the back of my mind it's like, dude, what are you doing? Why are you not calling her? Why. Why are you doing this? And it was, you know, it's like the devil and the angel on one side of the shoulder and the other, it's like, what? You know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but I'll call her and let her give you a road map and then follow that roadmap to a T.

[Anthony]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if she says, I'll take it all, be like, cool. I'm booking a plane ticket. Me and my wife are coming down to. Coming down to Puerto Rico. Yeah, I'm serious.

[Anthony]

Yeah, I'd love to do. Yeah, that'd be awesome. Yeah. Yeah. I mean that's, that, that's. I'm totally, I can totally do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what you, what you have to be willing to do is to have your heart broken in pursuit of her.

[Anthony]

Right.

[Thomas]

Yeah.

[Anthony]

And I just kind of have to remind myself that I, you know, I signed her my, my rights away 25, 20, well, 30 years ago now, you know, and, and I can't expect, I can't expect anything. And I've always kind of had that in the back of my mind, like, dude, you can't have any expectations.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. But she, she, she, she blew up that story.

[Anthony]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She called you and said, hey, I miss, I want to talk to you. I miss you.

[Anthony]

Yeah, she has it every turn. She really has.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so stop telling yourself that same old story.

[Anthony]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You gave up parental rights from, from 0 to 18. You did. And you gave her, you gave your child to an amazing family and they did a great job.

[Anthony]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Period. Now there's two adults that don't have much of a relationship, but they've got some deep ties. And she has said, I would love to get to know you. And you're like, wow, man, I missed the birthday crap. I'm just going to take a year off. Like, right? Nah, I'm gonna go all in. And if you have a Dream about I would talk to your biological. I mean, your. The two kids that you consider, quote, unquote, my kids now and let them know, hey, I've got this dream of all three of us getting together. I know it's gonna be weird for you guys because this is a 25 year old you've never met, but in my head, that would make my heart feel complete. Yeah, all right, dad. Whatever, dad. Okay. Right, Whatever.

[Anthony]

That's pretty much what I've gotten to. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then you be declarative about saying out loud, hey, y' all don't know each other. This is. My heart feels full right now and complete right now. And let that be that. And there comes a day when she says, hey, I don't want to talk to you anymore. I'm going to risk being heartbroken on that day. I'm going to risk a bunch of amazing moments and getting to know somebody and making a brand new relationship with somebody. I'm going to risk all of the beauty of that for a potential red light down the road that is a forever red light. I don't want you in my life anymore. I don't like you anymore, blah, blah, blah, whatever. But let her give you the road map and then follow that sucker to a T. And if she says it's all green lights, then, dude, me and your, you and your wife are going to Puerto Rico this Christmas. That'd be awesome. Are you going to Puerto Rico for spring break? That'd be rad. But if she says, let's, let's. I want to build this thing from the floor up, then, man, get on your, get on your builder's hat and let's start, let's start cranking it. That be amazing. But thank you for being courageous and brave when you were 18. And thank you for being honorable and not trying to mess stuff up over the Pre. The next 18, 20 years. Thank you for having the courage to call and say, man, there's just been that hole in my heart for a long time. And that courageous young girl is now an adult and she reached out and I feel vulnerable and exposed all over again. And I'm going to be a true father, a true man. I'm going to head right into that discomfort hurt because that, that, that's where the tension is, where the connection is going to be. Thanks for the call, brother. I can't wait to hear what happens, man. It's awesome. I love these reunification stories, man. They're the best. We come back, a man is asking, should he buy a home Together with his future in love. Oh, man. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. As we head into the new year, I want you to take an inventory of all of the stuff you're carrying, all the things you think you have to do, the things you should have done, all those past hurts and pains, along with past guilt, past shame, all of it. And when the world feels heavy, when your back feels heavy from carrying all the stuff around, it's important to look in the mirror and and consider setting down all of that old weight and not carrying it any further into 2026. Therapy can help you identify the heavy stuff and move forward with clarity and set it down so you can focus on the new year. If you're thinking about therapy, I recommend Better Help. Better help has over 30,000 therapists, and they're one of the leading online therapy providers in the world. They're trusted by millions. They have an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. All of their therapy is online, so it's easy to fit into your schedule. To get started, just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with the licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can change therapists at any time for no extra cost. Listen, you can't feel lighter without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. You're worth it. Go to betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, let's go. Let's stay here in Nashville. Awesome. Let's stay here in Nashville and talk to Thomas. What's up, Thomas?

[Thomas]

Hey, Dr. John. How you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good, brother. How are you, man?

[Thomas]

Man, I'm swell. I'm swell.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Excellent. What's up?

[Thomas]

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, Good God. You are from Nashville.

[Thomas]

Yeah, man.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Thomas]

I am in the market for purchasing my first home. And my question is, do I buy my own house or do I invest into an intergenerational home with my future in laws?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You already know the answer to this question. Why are you calling me? You know.

[Thomas]

I'm torn. I'm really, really torn.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Over what? Well, having your own home with your new wife or having her parents be your new parents for the rest of your life?

[Thomas]

Well, the. The way, you know, great question.

[Anthony]

We're.

[Thomas]

I can already see us potentially taking care of them in the future. They are wildly close, and I came up in a family where I'm wildly Distant. So this is all new for me now. It's a family full of love, great energy and connectedness. And I'm slowly learning how to receive. So. But this notion was brought up in order to, you know, we're seeing a lot of benefits in it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Name them.

[Thomas]

Okay. The splits of the cost to live in a nicer house, community location, to be close to family and be able to lean on each other. It's, you know, we potentially may expand our family one day and having that support right at home could be nice. And I think for context, the intergenerational home would be hopefully enough for the two families to coexist pretty well with more of like a basement style department.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who would live in the basement?

[Thomas]

That's a great question. So these are kind of the things we're bouncing off of each other. And as of right now, take, take.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Take, take, take this from me with all my guts.

[Thomas]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do not co. Buy a house with your future in laws, please. God almighty.

[Thomas]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now if your in laws want to buy a house and you and your future wife want to rent from them with the intent of buying the house at an incredibly discounted rate one day, great.

[Thomas]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But this is a recipe for everybody hating everybody when it's all over. Because. Because here's the thing. Every weekend off, if you lose a job, if you take an income cut, if you have a kid and suddenly your father in law thinks things are hilarious, then you don't want those kind of jokes around your kid. You are stuck, man. Legally, with a contract on a house. This binds you in a way that doesn't allow your relationship to be what it actually could be. It forces you into a business arrangement, a legal business arrangement.

[Thomas]

Is there a way?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sorry, no, go ahead.

[Thomas]

Is there a way that. As opposed to going in on the contract with them to rent it from them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah.

[Thomas]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They buy this house and you and your fiance are going to rent the the basement apartment for the next two years. Sign a lease if you want to. In fact, I would a thousand percent recommend y' all sign a lease.

[Thomas]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because. Because here's the thing. What you don't know yet is, is this close knit family, somebody's running lead here on this close knit family.

[Thomas]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you geographically enter into this world, then you are subject to that too. And what I want you to to do is establish your roots. Establish your own tent pole, even if it's under the same tent. Otherwise you will always be the second man in your new wife's life. Always. Well, dad, Says we should.

[Thomas]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dad says we've been going out too much and we need to be home with the kids more.

[Thomas]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Mom says we're not coming to. We're coming to dinner. Enough.

[Thomas]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dad says we need to go to his church and we need to stop going to the. Like, man, you're just setting yourself up for chaos upon chaos upon chaos, and it's a. It's a. It's a path towards resentment.

[Thomas]

Have you seen this work out before?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Never. Okay, zero percent. I've never seen it. I'm sure it does. And the. And to be honest, my bias is. The nature of my job is I only get the calls when it doesn't work out, so maybe it does. Yeah.

[Thomas]

But I have called in for the wisdom.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I have never seen this work.

[Thomas]

Well, interesting. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What. What do you think? What do you, like, paint me your picture?

[Thomas]

Well, it's a. It's a very tight family, but what does that mean? It means we're hanging out every weekend. We're all into the same things. We love eating together as many times a week as we can. We especially love the holidays and going on vacations together.

[Anthony]

Just.

[Thomas]

I mean, I'm surrounded by love I never really got to experience. And it's. I guess I am soaked into a little bit of the magic now. For a little bit of context, they've, you know, been in their Nashville natives and have basically paid off their house that has, you know, quadrupled, and they were planning on putting the major down payment on this house in which I would then take over. The remaining balance versus what I'm capable of doing right now would be move out to outside the city and kind of take my partner away from her family, which kind of complicates the dynamic we currently have.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, but number one, that's a little bit dramatic taking her quote unquote away. I mean, what, 30, 45 minutes?

[Thomas]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Thomas]

Traffic can be bad sometimes, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Yeah. That's not a way. Will it be different? Yes. And should y' all establish a world where y' all aren't having every meal together all the time in your brand new marriage? Absolutely.

[Thomas]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Absolutely. And will that feel weird for her? How old is she?

[Thomas]

She's 28.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And she still lives with them and has meals with them and every.

[Thomas]

No, we act.

[Anthony]

No.

[Thomas]

We live independently.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Thomas]

Of them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. How far away do y' all live now?

[Thomas]

Four or five miles.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Thomas]

Yeah. So we're. We're. She's been. My partner's been solely independent for a while.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Thomas]

And has proven to be able to. We're both on our feet very well and don't necessarily lean on them for support other than just enjoyment.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So.

[Thomas]

And they're. They're also the same way as far as just beyond generous. And don't really. Don't offer more than they need to. It's more or less if you need to borrow a car, please take it kind of thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. But if y' all choose, if y' all call and say, hey, we're not coming out, we're just gonna stay in tonight, they're all good with that.

[Thomas]

Oh my goodness.

[Anthony]

You just.

[Thomas]

It's kind of mind blowing how cool they are with that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Thomas]

And how often that actually does happen in our life day to day. If we're having a bad day and we had plans to have dinner and it didn't work out. I don't. I've never felt like there was any resentment. So is that a temporary thing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, it's. It's amazing. It is. It happens all the time. And again, my bias is the ones that call me are the ones where it's. It's sideways. My parents are like that. They're pretty awesome. And my in laws are like that. Cool. So I get that. And that. That happens. That's fantastic. When it comes down to the legal mess, I would much prefer they to make. Sell their home and make a humongous cash donation to. To her. To their daughter.

[Thomas]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And their daughter choose to buy a house with her new husband. And please don't buy a house with her until y' all are married. That just makes a whole other level of complication.

[Thomas]

Oh, absolutely. It's part of the.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But y' all buy a house and then give your in laws in writing free rent forever in the basement apartment.

[Thomas]

Incredible.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or have them buy the house and y' all sign a two year lease to rent from them. And they can rent to you below market value. They can rent to you for whatever. With the intent that you and your new wife are saving up to buy your own place. Or maybe one day you'll buy this place from them.

[Thomas]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it just puts one name on the thing. Because here's what I don't want to happen. I don't want your father in law to sign this thing. You're covering the rest of the note and he has a stroke next week.

[Thomas]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or you lose your job and suddenly, hey, you need to be at work. What are you doing here at the table? Dinner table. Right. And it just changes every meal when somebody's over another person.

[Thomas]

Very good point.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so this here's the line I would use. I really want to give give you the privilege of just being my father in law and I want the privilege of just being your son in law and not also your business partner and not also your roommate.

[Thomas]

That's great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I do want to live together. So can I rent this place from you and just put it in your name?

[Thomas]

I love that, man. That's a. That's really helpful and kind of answered a lot of my questions and brought some things to light that I wasn't even considering. So incredible.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is the best way forward for y' all to keep this amazing relationship that y' all have. It's awesome. So cool, dude. And apologize for poking questions. Usually people call my show and they've got relationship challenges. The fact that y' all don't amazing. But man, I would just keep it as simple as possible so that y' all can keep your relationship as amazing as amazing as possible. Thanks for call, homie. We'll be right back. Hey, what up? How we doing? Listen, My family and I traveled a lot this holiday season and some of the mattresses I slept on were not the best. I found myself counting down the hours until I could get back home and onto my Helix mattress. Sleeping on a Helix mattress has transformed my rest. My whole family sleeps on Helix mattresses and we all love coming home and getting into our own beds. I even have a Helix mattress in my guest room. And when people come crash at my house, they always, always want to know about this amazing mattress that they spent the night on. Helix mattresses are that good because they make mattresses for real people. Whether you sleep hot or cold or on your side or on your back, Helix customizes their mattresses to you and your sleep style. I got online and took the Helix sleep quiz. It takes like two minutes and I want you to do the same thing. They're going to match you with the perfect mattress just for you. And check this out. Right now, my audience can get an exclusive 20% off their entire Helix Sleep purchase. Go to helixs sleep.com deloney for 20% off site wide. That's Helix. H E L I x helix sleep.com deloney and tell helix you heard about their amazing mattresses right here on this show with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. All right, we are back. Kelly, I just saw your shirt, dude. That's hilarious. That's funny.

[Kelly]

Oh, yeah, I bought this. So for those that don't know, this is we're still Before Christmas, for a couple weeks before Christmas. And I'm still in the whole knee brace and on the crutches, on the whole nine yards. And it's a gingerbread man and his leg's broken, and it says, have you tried icing it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's a funny shirt.

[Kelly]

I know. I saw it. I was like, I've got to have that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I needed a good, just absurdly lame dad joke today. Good job. All right, go for it.

[Kelly]

All right, we have an am I the problem? And this is from an anonymous caller or listener, writer, whatever. And she writes, this is actually. Sorry, this is a guy. He says, am I the problem for having a hard time trusting my girlfriend sometimes? Because she tends to say little white lies to make herself not look so, so bad. For example, she will say she's 15 minutes away from a party that she was supposed to take food to, but in reality, she's 20 minutes away. Or she'll exaggerate when she's telling the story about why she's late. I know they are little things, but it makes me wonder if it is so easy for her to lie about that. What other things is she or would she lie about?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I just want to reframe that question or ask the question beneath that question. Is it weird that I'm starting to not trust the person that lies all the time? Near. Near. No, you're. You're not the problem. The problem here is, is keeping that secret. Or the problem is start calling it out. I'm going to be here. I'll be there in 15 minutes. And you're in the car and you say The GPS says 23 minutes. And then calling the person back or texting back, saying, I mean, 23 minutes. It's the little things, man. It's the little things. And yes, you are right. If people lie about little things, they will lie about big things. That's just the way the world works. And so, no, you're not crazy for beginning to wonder, what else can I not trust here? And I'd be willing to bet money that there's a couple of big things out there that you're like, ah, doesn't ring true to me. And that's why you're writing in here. But no, you're not the problem. The problem is you're dating somebody who doesn't tell the truth about little things, which means they have the capability to not tell the truth about big things. Love you guys. Bye.