My Twin Was Arrested and Pretended to Be Me

Summary

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The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: My Twin Was Arrested and Pretended to Be Me
Date: September 24, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony - Ramsey Network

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Episode Overview

This intense, caller-driven episode dives deeply into two particularly emotional, family-centered dilemmas:

1. Ren's Dilemma: The devastating fallout from his twin brother’s criminal actions and identity theft, the struggle to set boundaries, and the grief of familial betrayal.
2. Dean’s Struggle: A new father grappling with his father’s conditional love and the generational cycles of performance-based acceptance.
3. Ian’s Journey: Learning to identify, communicate, and prioritize his own needs amidst a marriage impacted by health struggles and self-sacrifice.

Each call features Dr. Delony’s signature frankness, compassion, and practical mental health advice, with raw, memorable moments that cut to the heart of relational pain and healing.

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Segment 1: Ren’s “Supervillain Twin” and Family Boundaries

[00:05–16:28]

Key Discussion Points

• Identity Theft by a Twin:
  Ren recounts how his twin brother, after years of arrests, began using Ren’s name and Social Security number when caught by police. This led to legal and financial chaos, including job loss due to a criminal record he didn't know existed under his own name.

  • “He kind of seems like a super villain twin currently. He was using my name when he was getting arrested and also my Social Security number.” — Ren [00:05]
  • Police initially didn’t believe Ren’s story.

• Ongoing Legal and Financial Fallout:
  Ren is navigating federal bureaucracy to clear his record, freeze his credit, and possibly get a new Social Security number.

  • "I have frequent calls with an FBI agent.” — Ren [02:22]
  • “I didn’t find out until I was in the final part of interviews for a job… and got rejected because I have a violent history.” — Ren [02:58]

• Family Pressure and Mixed Emotions:
  Despite the betrayals, Ren feels conflicted over severing ties, hinting at shared childhood and deep familial bonds.

  • “I’ve never known life without him, you know?...We were the boys, we were the twins.” — Ren [04:37]
  • Ongoing manipulation: brother frequently creates new Facebook profiles to contact Ren and attempts to scam him, even with things like grocery delivery.

• Parental Involvement and Enabling:
  Ren’s parents continue to bail his brother out well into adulthood, further complicating boundaries.

  • “Our parents have kind of always bailed him out of everything, even so far…well into adulthood.” — Ren [06:54]

Dr. Delony’s Guidance and Tough Love

• Radical Boundaries:
  Dr. Delony urges Ren to distance himself completely, for his own family’s safety and well-being.

  • “I would keep that gentleman as far away from me and my family as possible.” — Dr. John Delony [02:09]

• The Pain of Powerlessness:
  Acknowledges the unique pain of sibling betrayal and the cycle of trying to “rescue” someone unwilling to change.

  • “There’s really no betrayal like a brother, right?” — Dr. John Delony [05:09]
  • “You are powerless in this situation. And that’s a scary feeling for you.” [09:04]

• Letting Natural Consequences Happen:
  Emphasizes that continuing to bail out his brother is actually enabling more destruction.

  • “The greatest gift you could give him right now is to not bail him out…There has to be an association between his actions and the consequences. And he just simply hasn’t done that.” — Dr. John Delony [06:15]

• Coping Strategy:
  Suggests unsent letters as a way to externalize pain and grief, and encourages involving his wife fully for transparency and support in managing family boundaries.

Notable Quotes

• “You have to grieve your brother, the guy you so desperately want him to be, and you believe in your guts he can become. Because you look in the mirror, you were able to do it. He’s not there, and you are powerless to help him get there, period.” — Dr. John Delony [10:55]

• "Bring her into this…Be honest and apologetic…tell her, I want to put 100 bucks a month... that when the day comes and my brother says I want to go to rehab, I can help him with that. But that will be the only support I can provide from here on out ever again." — Dr. John Delony [11:29]

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Segment 2: Dean’s Quest for Acceptance from His Father

[16:28–32:33]

Key Discussion Points

• Conditional Love and Generational Patterns:
  Dean feels perpetually tested and unaccepted by his father, even as a grown man and new father himself.

  • “He basically said that there was no need to celebrate me as a father because I don’t have the years necessary to be celebrated.” — Dean [16:56]
  • “It honestly feels like my entire childhood has felt performance based, like love. Only get love when you do the right thing." — Dean [18:57]

• Navigating Professional Entanglements:
  Dean’s father works in the same field, often stopping by Dean’s workplace and engaging Dean’s labor on weekends.

Dr. Delony’s Insights

• Core Wound Acceptance:
  Delony candidly acknowledges some family wounds may "hurt you till the day you die," but says the mission is to break cycles—not to 'heal' a toxic father.

  • “You don’t move on from this. This is a core wound. It will hurt you till the day you die.” — Dr. John Delony [19:17]

• Breaking the Cycle:
  Focus is on choosing a different script for Dean’s own child.

  • “Your son will always know that he’s loved, no matter what. That’s your new work in life. And you ending this relationship with somebody who is just simply using you to get through their day shouldn’t be that way with dad, man. I’m sorry.” — Dr. John Delony [19:54]

• Tough Boundaries and Forecasting the ‘Storm’:
  Delony warns that standing up to family dysfunction will cause backlash but is essential for dignity and parenting well.

  • “When you stop being the lead actor in their play, I’m telling you, the storm’s coming.” — Dr. John Delony [23:10]

Memorable Moments

• “Any other man in the world treating you like this…you wouldn’t put up with that from anybody.” — Dr. John Delony [22:21]
• Delony humorously but firmly pushes Dean toward commitment to his girlfriend, emphasizing building a new, healthy family identity.

Guidance and Practical Tips

• Morning Ritual:
  Recommends a daily affirmation for Dean’s son: “Every single morning, without fail, I want you to put both hands on either side of your three-year-old’s face…put your forehead on his and say, ‘I love you son. And I’m so glad that God picked me to be your dad.’”* — Dr. John Delony [26:05]
• Self-Regulation Trick:
  Employ simple body techniques (touching chest or pinching leg) during heated exchanges to stay present and not regress into old emotional responses.

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Segment 3: Ian—Expressing Needs in a Marriage Under Strain

[32:33–43:44]

Key Discussion Points

• Struggling to Identify & Voice Needs:
  Ian consistently puts his wife’s chronic health needs first, sacrificing his own emotional and relational needs—a pattern modeled by his own father.

  • “I don’t ever express my needs until then when she’s struggling, she expresses a need and I’m unable emotionally to receive that need. …I feel bad too.” — Ian [32:46]
  • His father also modeled relentless self-sacrifice: “He is the best servant, the best worker. But as a family...I don’t know if it’s generational or modeled that way.” — Ian [33:56]

• Medical and Emotional Context:
  Wife has an autoimmune disorder (POTS), limiting capacity and leaving Ian in a long-term “season” of heavy responsibility and lost connection.

Dr. Delony’s Approach

• From ‘Need’ to ‘Want’:
  Reframes the conversation—rather than “what do you need?” Delony urges Ian to clarify “what do you want?”, promoting self-honesty and agency.

  • “When you say we have these needs…really what it does is it makes other people, other situations…responsible for our joy…Instead of owning I want this.” — Dr. John Delony [39:31]

• Calling Out Defensive Postures:
  Pushes Ian to move beyond surface answers and generic “family-satisfaction” statements to uncover personal desires and goals.

  • “I’m having a hard time getting…to your core, being inside your spirit, if you will. Like, what do you want, man?” — Dr. John Delony [41:53]

• Practical Action Step:
  “Get a yellow pad of paper and write on there for the first time in a long time, here’s what I want…then plan those things out.” — Dr. John Delony [45:00]

• Offers permission for “selfishness” as a healthy recalibration in family life.

Key Quotes

• “Who's telling you that the only way you are great is by burning yourself out from the inside out? Where is that picture of greatness come from?” — Dr. John Delony [44:41]
• “Drop all that, because you're gonna need yourself into the grave or you're gonna become a frustrated, angry version of yourself. So here's your permission to be a little bit selfish for the first time.” — Dr. John Delony [45:00]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Family Betrayal:
  “There’s really no betrayal like a brother, right?” — Dr. John Delony [05:09]

• On Enabling & Boundaries:
  “The greatest gift you could give him right now is to not bail him out.” — Dr. John Delony [06:15]

• On Generational Trauma:
  “You don’t move on from this. This is a core wound. It will hurt you till the day you die.” — Dr. John Delony [19:17]

• On Breaking Free:
  “When you stop being the lead actor in their play, I’m telling you, the storm’s coming.” — Dr. John Delony [23:10]

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Time-Stamped Guide to Key Segments

• [00:05–16:28]: Ren’s Call—Twin Betrayal, Identity Theft, and Boundaries
• [16:28–32:33]: Dean’s Call—Fathers, Conditional Love, and Cycle-Breaking
• [32:33–43:44]: Ian’s Call—Knowing and Naming Your Needs Amid Family Illness
• [43:44-end]: Brief Q&A on Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity & Episode Wrap

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Conclusion

This episode delivers a powerful, unvarnished look at the intersection of love, pain, and boundary-setting in family contexts. Dr. Delony, with humor, empathy, and unflinching candor, guides callers through some of life's hardest relational territory—unpacking the grief of betrayal, the exhaustion of generational cycles, and the courage required to choose healthy family futures.

For listeners who have struggled with the pain of family dysfunction, enabling, or a sense of voicelessness, this episode brims with practical wisdom and hard-won hope.

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“Be kind to one another. Begin practicing healthy relationships day by day…”
— Dr. John Delony [48:41]

Transcript

[Caller Ren]

I'm a man and I have a twin. And he's. He kind of seems like a super villain twin currently. He was using my name when he was getting arrested and also my Social Security number.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, my gosh. So, dude, I gotta ask, man, why in the world would you even contemplate letting this person around your family? What is up? This is John with the Dr. John Del Show. Hope you are doing so great, so great taking your calls on your mental and emotional health and your marriage and your relationships, whatever you got going on. John Deloney.com, ask/ask, shout out and we'll get back to you. Have you on the show and we will dig in and figure out what's the next right move. All right, let's go out to Missouri and talk to Ren. Hey, Ren, what's up?

[Caller Ren]

Hey, how are you doing?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Doing great, brother. How are you?

[Caller Ren]

Oh, I'm. I'm doing good for the time being.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's up?

[Caller Ren]

All right, so I'll keep it short. I am. I'm a man and I have a twin and he's. He kind of seems like a super villain twin currently. He.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Dude, I've seen this movie. This is awesome. Because it's awesome.

[Caller Ren]

I know. I'll be honest with you. When I called the police, first of all, they did not believe me. He gets arrested often or has in the past at least. And when. For a portion of time, he was using my name when he was getting arrested and also my Social Security number.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Gosh.

[Caller Ren]

And so I guess, classic stolen identity. So he's gone to court under my. My name and everything. And so now he's out of. Out of jail still. I'm not. I'm not sure if he's doing well or not, but he wants a relationship with me and my kids since I think he sees that the clock is ticking and the bridges are getting burnt and I'm. I'm honestly not sure what. What direction to head from here.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, I would keep that. That gentleman as far away from me and my family as possible.

[Caller Ren]

I mean, that's definitely the direction I lean.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Have you gone to get a new Social Security number?

[Caller Ren]

I'm in the process of it right now. I had to go get my handprints and fingerprints taken and I guess it's all with the federal government right now, so. I have frequent calls with an FBI agent.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, they're doing a bang up job right now, so good luck with that. Yeah. Have you frozen your credit report?

[Caller Ren]

Yes, and thankfully I don't. I'm not sure if he's smart enough to know how to open a credit card. So we've been say for the time being, I haven't found anything weird.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller Ren]

I guess the biggest impact on me, just from the financial side, is I didn't find out until I was in the final part of interviews for a job that would have increased my income by one third and got rejected because I have a violent history.

[Caller Dean]

Hmm.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Have you got your record expunged, at least on the.

[Caller Ren]

The state side? I guess there's still things on the federal side that haven't. Haven't been cleared up yet.

[Dr. John Deloney]

All right. Are you in the process of getting that cleared up? Because I would get an attorney today if not.

[Caller Ren]

I've talked to one. And yeah, I mean, of course the investigators tell me, oh, we're taking care of it. But I learned at the state level that if I'm not making calls every day, nothing every day.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I hate this for you, dude, but you got to build that in at 8 o' clock in the morning and at 4:30 in the afternoon. It's gonna have to become part of your life until this stuff is cleaned up.

[Caller Ren]

Yeah.

[Caller Ian]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I can't imagine your brother doesn't go back to jail for fraud, right?

[Caller Ren]

I mean, one. I guess once they go after him.

[Caller Ian]

Yeah.

[Caller Ren]

It just seems like every time he. He goes to jail for something. The last time he went to jail and said he was me, he fought someone in some construction yard, got his arm broken with a piece of rebar, and I guess they figured it out with insurance because he tried to use my insurance at the hospital.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So, dude, I gotta ask, man, why in the world would you even contemplate letting this person around your family?

[Caller Ren]

Around my family is one thing, but my relationship, I don't know, man. It's like I've never known life without him, you know?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Caller Ren]

Like, from the day we were born, we were the boys, we were the twins. And we're alike in just about every way until, you know, the drugs took hold. Now, we couldn't be more different, but, I mean, that doesn't feel good.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. I hate this for you, man. There's. There's. There's really no betrayal like a brother, right?

[Caller Ian]

Yeah, man.

[Caller Ren]

And it's. It's easy to front. A lot of the time where I say, I don't, I don't care. He's a piece of trash. I never want to talk to him again. But I don't know, he makes new Facebook profiles every few weeks, and he messages me from them and I Want to help him? Always. I mean, but the problem is the last few times, like last time, he was asking me if I could send him money for groceries. I said, I can't send you money. You know why I can't send you money, but I will. I can doordash you groceries. And sent. Sent my groceries to a fake address. I guess he thought they were going to put them on the porch and they were going to walk up and take him, but they ended up scaring this poor driver. He called me and, you know, I told him, just turn around, take them back. Unfortunately, and, man, I don't know.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So this is. This is gonna be hard to hear. The greatest gift you can give your brother is some problems right now. Yeah. And. Or I wouldn't say you're not going to give him problems, but the greatest gift you could give him right now is to not bail him out. Right. Because there has to be an association. This is really painful. And I'm a overly compassionate guy. I don't even like saying this out loud. The greatest gift he can begin to realize or metabolize is a connection between his actions and the consequences. And he just simply hasn't done that.

[Caller Ren]

Yeah, our.

[Caller Ian]

Our.

[Caller Ren]

Our parents have kind of always bailed them out of everything, even so far.

[Caller Ian]

I mean, we're.

[Caller Ren]

We're well into adulthood. I'm where we're in our 30s, so early 30s, but in there, they're only just now coming around to not having them around. I told my mom, we live in different states, close states, but different states.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You and him or you and your parents? Both.

[Caller Ren]

They live in the same state. I moved away after 18 because we're the only two people in our small town with the same last name. And I got tired of going places and having people tap me on the shoulder saying they've been looking for me. And I told my mom, I can't. I can't bring my kids around anymore if. If he's around. At one point, we were up there and my brother was passed out in some chair next to the room my daughter was sleeping. She was an infant at the time. And he had a butane torch lit on the. On the desk facing the wall, like six inches away.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Caller Ren]

And I. I never wanted to harm anyone more in my life than that moment, you know?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Caller Ren]

And so, of course, that puts strain on my parents because they keep telling me just a few more years and things will be okay, and then you can come around and things will be back to normal. And I just don't see it happening.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. I'll just tell you just as a. As a fellow dad and as a neighbor, you've done what you can do on your end. And now any additional support, help, care is just handing him a match for a bigger fire that he can set for himself. It's cruel at this point to continue to send him things.

[Caller Ian]

Yeah.

[Caller Ren]

My problem was every time I helped, it's like in my head there's such a. A clear path out, you know, like you can take this and you can use it and get there, and it's like, just takes it and goes the complete opposite direction.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right. Yeah. And. And so you have to, at some point, come to come to grips with. You are powerless in this situation. And that's a scary feeling for you.

[Caller Dean]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Or let me say it more, more coarsely. You can't help him.

[Caller Ren]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Because he's not interested in your help. He's interested in using you and your family to continue trying to dig himself out of a hole. And, dude, I've got all the compassion in the world for him. Yeah. Nobody wants to be where he is right now. Nobody. I want you to try writing your brother a letter that you're not going to send him. And for the first time, do not hold back. Put it all on paper so you can get it out of your body and you can look at it. Okay.

[Caller Ian]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And then sit down with your wife and say, I want to put on a calendar, a date between now and this date. I will not respond to any Facebook requests. I'm not going to send one. I'm not even even going to consider sending anything. And I'll make a commitment to you spouse. I won't send one penny of support or help or verbal support without talking to you first. Because the moment I get that request, boom, I turn 16 again and I start fighting fights for my brother that he's not interested in me fighting for him.

[Caller Ian]

Yeah.

[Caller Ren]

That's a good point.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And let her outsource it with you.

[Caller Ren]

Yeah. I've basically done it all alone up to this point. Or I mean, I've definitely not. I've definitely not told her everything I've done for him.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You know, and here's. Here's the problem. It. It makes tiny cracks. It makes tiny little suitcases of secrets in your own marriage.

[Caller Ren]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And then you find yourself. Those lies and the support and the things we hide get bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. And then you find yourself in a marriage that you didn't mean to co construct. And so this is. Here's the things you're gonna have to grieve, okay? You have to grieve your brother, the guy you so desperately want him to be, and you believe in your guts he can become. Because you look in the mirror, you were able to do it. He's not there, and you are powerless to help him get there, period. The people you wanted your parents to be, the support and care and nurturing parents that you desperately need as you start your own family. And like, you had to leave your hometown. You had to leave because the police were looking for you and drug dealers were looking for you, and your parents were saying, hey, you just need to solve this for him. You got to grieve that relationship. You're going to have to grieve the fact that you started keeping secrets from your wife. You're going to have to grieve the fact that you found yourself in a place where no man wants to find themselves, which is a. I don't have the strength or the. I. I have. I'm at the end of my capacity. And that is one of the most helpless, scary feelings. And for men, especially, if you don't put that on the table and grieve that, it will haunt you, and you end up doing stupid stuff that will jeopardize your whole. Your whole relationship. And so bring her into this. Put it all on the table. Be honest and apologetic about the. Hey, man, I. I also sent money here. I did this thing here. And tell her, I want to put 100 bucks a month, I want to put 250 bucks a month in an account that when the day comes and my brother says I want to go to rehab, I can help him with that. I will pay other professionals directly if he wants to go get that kind of support, but that will be the only support I can provide from here on out ever again. And then ask her or be honest with her and say, hey, when I'm about to send grocery money, when I'm about to figure out a way to get us all back there for Thanksgiving or for Christmas so that mom and dad can keep their fantasy going, I'm going to. For a short season, I'm going to outsource it to you. And I want you to be honest and say, I don't think this is a good year for you. I've been watching you. You're not sleeping well, you're not feeling right, or, yeah, I think we can do it this year. We're going to stay for 24 hours. And this is just iron sharpening iron. This is Eyes in the sky. You're the military guy on the ground, and you can't see what's coming. And she can see something that you can't see. And it's bringing her fully into this relationship. It's not asking her to become your mom. It's asking her to become the soldier who's shoulder to shoulder with you that can see things that you can't see. But all of this starts, brother, with powerlessness and grief. And grief demands a witness. And if you want to be a really gangster, write these letters and then find a couple of guys that you trust that you can read them out loud to. Might be a counselor, it might be your wife. Read these things out loud, get it out of your body. Share the experience with somebody that you trust, and it's not your brother and it's not your parents. And then burn those letters or put them in the back of a drawer somewhere. And then be about asking yourself, who must I be on a day and day out basis to be the dad I want to be, to be the husband I want to be so that one day, potentially, I can receive the brother that maybe my twin wants to be? And, dude, none of this is easy. This is painful, painful stuff, man. Blessings to you on this. I, man, I'd hug you if you were here. God almighty, hate this for you. But that's your next steps. Grief. Painful, painful grief. And then going to do the next right thing. Thanks for the call, brother. When we come back, a man asks how to move on from his father's really painful, hurtful words. All right, let's get cozy. You guys know that I love adventures and I love being out in the world in the woods, traveling in the big city. But I'm telling you, at the end of the day, I'm ready to shut it down. And when I do, I want my bed soft, cool, and ridiculously comfortable. And that's exactly what Cozy Earth delivers. They're amazing. Sheets made from viscose from bamboo, are super breathable, they regulate temperature, and they wick away heat and moisture. I sleep cooler and more comfortable with Cozy Earth sheets. It's not just me. My whole family is hooked on them. We even got a Cozy Earth cuddle blanket thing. It's humongous and it's super plush. Listen, it's all ultra soft and it's got some weight to it without being too heavy. It's kind of like an anxiety blanket combined with a hug from your grandmother all at the same time. It's the best. Cozy Earth can help you build a space that's a retreat for your family, just like they've done for me and my family. Go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney for 40 off your entire purchase. And if you get a post purchase survey, tell them you heard about Cozy Earth right here on the Dr. John DeLoney Show. That's cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to save 40% off. All right, let's go to Raleigh, North Carolina, and talk to Dean. What's up, Dean?

[Caller Dean]

Hey, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm good, brother. How are you, ma'?

[Caller Dean]

Am? I'm doing good. I'm having a great day. Excellent, excellent weather. Yes, sir.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's up?

[Caller Dean]

Yes, sir. So my question today is how do I move past the need to feel accepted by my father? Um, so just to give you a little bit of backstory, do me a huge favor, Dean.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Hey, Dean. Talk directly into your phone for me, okay?

[Caller Dean]

Can you hear me?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Much better? Yeah.

[Caller Dean]

Okay. So, yeah, my question again was how do I move past the need to feel accepted by my father? And just to give you a little bit of backstory, I am a brand new dad. My son is about to be three in September. But we recently had a conversation in the car on the way to a job. And I use the term conversation loosely because most of the time I just. Once my dad gets going, he starts ranting, and it's just like, different topics just keep jumping from point to point. So it's like eventually we get to a conversation about Father's Day, and he basically said that there was no need to celebrate me as a father because I don't have the years necessary to be celebrated. I haven't went through, like, all the trials and tribulations that it of being a dad. So there's just no point in celebrating me. He feels like everybody should be over at his house, you know, with the family. He just. He said he felt disrespected because of that. Because I had sent a text, like, earlier in the week saying that, you know, I'm gonna drop my gifts off for my. For you guys. I'm gonna drop my gifts off, then I'm gonna go and hang out with my girlfriend for Father's Day. She wanted to celebrate me, but they felt that it's different, disrespectful, because it just felt like I was just, you know, blowing past him and not giving him the appreciation that he deserves. But even though I did that in the text, I still spent about three hours at Their house, just hanging out with them. So time was still spent. I just. I'm just exhausted from feeling like everything I do has to be earned. It honestly feels like my entire childhood has felt performance based, like love. Only get love when you do the right thing. What we want you to do.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And this has because your fodder for your father's engine, man.

[Caller Dean]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So let me say this. You don't move on from this. This is a core wound. It will hurt you till the. Till the day you die.

[Caller Dean]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

And trying to. And that's unpopular. You'll be able to move through life without symptoms. Okay. You'll be able to navigate life and go on to do the things you want to do. Become the man and father you want to do. This becomes. Your mission in life is to break this nonsensical cycle.

[Caller Dean]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right?

[Caller Ian]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That your son will always know that he's loved, no matter what.

[Caller Dean]

Yeah. That's the main goal.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay? That's. That's your new work in life. And you ending this relationship with somebody who is just simply using you to get through their day shouldn't be that way with dad, man. I'm sorry.

[Caller Dean]

All right? And it's. It's confusing because.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Hold on. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. You're trying to use math on a problem that the other person is not using math.

[Caller Dean]

Okay, yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's confusing because fathers are supposed to cherish and embrace and love their sons, period. And then celebrate them, and then over time, teach them, train them, lift them up, sometimes pick them up, of course, challenge them, but never use them.

[Caller Dean]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And you were used, man. I'm sorry.

[Caller Dean]

Thank you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And the only path you have forward is to decide as for me and my house, as for me and my child, as for me and this girlfriend, by the way, marry her and get over it. But, like, good. Sooner rather than later.

[Caller Dean]

Yeah. It's gonna be soon. Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller Dean]

She's. She's great. Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know. Quit screwing around. But here we are. So, like, I am going to create my life as for me in my house.

[Caller Dean]

Right?

[Dr. John Deloney]

And nobody who uses any of my family members is going to be welcome in these doors. And you need to know that when you make this stand, a storm is coming.

[Caller Dean]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Do you work with your father professionally?

[Caller Dean]

Yeah. So I have a regular job, and my dad is retired, but he does contract work in the same field that we're in. So not only. So his work, kind of his contract and his retirement work actually blends in with my professional life because he. He comes by my work at least twice a week to do the stuff that he needs to do and then go about his day. And not only that, I do help him on the weekends with his contract work as well. So I am getting paid. Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. So you're going to have to grow up and be a grown man and walk away.

[Caller Dean]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Because take your. Take the father relationship out of this. Any other man in the world treating you like this, berating you for taking care of your family, berating you for letting somebody celebrate you for Father's Day, demanding you do their stuff on the side. Like, you wouldn't put up with that from anybody.

[Caller Dean]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You get what I'm saying?

[Caller Dean]

Right? And like I said, it's. It's. It's so weird because my. It looks like from a distance, this. The way my family operates, it looks like everything is picture perfect. I have been told that twice.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know, because you've been a great show pony your whole life.

[Caller Dean]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

When you stop being the lead actor in their play, I'm telling you, the storm's coming. Your dad's gonna make up a bunch of stories about you to your co workers. You know that's gonna happen because he doesn't have the courage to stand up and do life on his own without standing on you. And so when you say you can't be my step stool anymore, and everyone in his circle of influence sees that he's six inches shorter than he ever was, he's gonna blame you, and you're gonna get the man. How do you walk out on your dad? I can't believe that your dad's such a hard worker. He's a great guy. He always. And you can.

[Caller Dean]

Yeah, yeah, you can choose to be.

[Dr. John Deloney]

A person of dignity and respect. I'm not going to talk bad about my old man, but there's stuff you.

[Caller Ian]

Don'T know, all right?

[Dr. John Deloney]

And it's going to cost you actual real dollars in the world because you're gonna have to go find a second part time job for the weekends.

[Caller Ian]

Right?

[Dr. John Deloney]

You get what I'm saying?

[Caller Dean]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What happens? Have you ever taken him on?

[Caller Dean]

Yes. Multiple times.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How does that go?

[Caller Dean]

It's. It feels like I am fighting a mountain with, I don't know, a shovel.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You are, you are. But. But put yourself back in the car. Y' all are driving to work. And he gets going again. And you say, hey, dad, stop, stop, stop. We're not doing this. What's something that's going great in your life, dad? What's his response to that?

[Caller Dean]

Honestly, I. I haven't even asked that question to my dad because we don't, we don't have those types of conversations where I feel comfortable enough to like ask him, you know, what is something you're excited about? Because those type of questions were not implemented into me. Those, that type of, you know, raising was not put into me as a child.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. But you've got a choice to make starting today.

[Caller Dean]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Are you going to be a man who sits there and a take somebody else's bull crap 24 7, 365? Are you going to be a man that just listens to somebody? Forget the fact that it's your dad, just complain and whine and whine and complain and get madder and matter and continually shove you into their wood chipper. Or are you going to be a guy who puts on a different set of glasses and says, okay, yeah, the world sucks. There's a lot of pain in the world. It's going right for you, man. Because I'm going to choose to see and find beauty where I can.

[Caller Dean]

All right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

All right. I'm going to ask you to do two things. Okay?

[Caller Dean]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Do you have full time custody of your three year old?

[Caller Dean]

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. Every single morning, without fail, I want you to put both hands on either side of that, of that three year old's face.

[Caller Dean]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I want you to put your forehead on his forehead and say the words, I love you son. And I'm so glad that God picked me to be your dad.

[Caller Dean]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Every day. Every day. And when he's taller than you like my son is, and he's stronger than you like my son is, and he's faster than you like my son is, and he's smarter than you than my son is. It will get more and more awkward. Just trust me.

[Caller Dean]

Yeah, okay. I can only imagine. Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Every day. I love you and I'm so glad I get to be your dad. The days of you being fodder for of old man's fragile ego ends today. And my prayer for you is you at least have the courage and the strength and the bravery to tell him.

[Caller Dean]

That I will do that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Hey, dad, you're getting going again? Yeah, dad, you're getting going again. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. I don't want to just do this all the way there. How are you? And you can. Can I tell you a little trick?

[Caller Dean]

Yes, please, you can.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Let's say he's back to you have you don't even worth Father's day number one, you have a three year old. I could assure you, you've been through it, right?

[Caller Dean]

Oh, absolutely.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You're a single dad of a three year old. You've been through it.

[Caller Dean]

Oh, that's single. She's. You know, my girlfriend's here. Yeah. So that's her baby we had. Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What are you.

[Caller Dean]

Told you, I work.

[Dr. John Deloney]

We're done working on it, jp. Friday this week. It's happening. Send me a picture.

[Caller Dean]

All right, but listen, I gotta get the ring first.

[Dr. John Deloney]

No, you don't. That ain't happening. Good grief. You're done with the ceremony. You already got the kid part. The ring comes before the kid. You're. You're already out of order. Just get it done. All right, Listen to me. And you know, I'm, I'm jazzing with you because I love you.

[Caller Dean]

Yeah, I know.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Here's the deal. Whenever a, a, a, a son has his first kid, there is no greater words from a father than. I'm proud of you. Welcome to the adventure, welcome to the club. Anything you ever need from me, I'll be right by your side.

[Caller Dean]

All right?

[Dr. John Deloney]

And too many fathers start competing with their sons for their grandkids attention. And so here's a trick. When you're driving in the car and he gets off on high horse about, you don't even deserve it. You should have come to my house. It's disrespectful. And you're thinking, dude, I was there for three freaking hours.

[Caller Dean]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Here's a quick little, little trick. You can take your index finger and just touch the middle of your chest.

[Caller Dean]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Or you can take your, your, you can flick your wrist. And here's what that does. It brings your body to the present, okay? You can pinch the side of your leg real gently. And all we're doing is we're keeping the 10 year old for coming back out to take it.

[Caller Dean]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

We're going to sit in this seat. And I did. I'll man, let your dad run. Fine. But I'm right here. And I know the truth is I stayed over for three hours. You're fine. And I also know the truth is I'm the dad of a three year old and, and I deserve to have father's day, to have a lunch for Father's Day, for God's sakes. The whole world has taken the joys and the, the, the just deep, deep satisfaction of being a father from dads. Your dad shouldn't pile onto that. He should be the one in the gap fighting it with you to say, nah, man, I'm so proud of you. Proud of the man you're becoming. God almighty. You're stringing this poor girlfriend along. Wrap it up. But I'm proud of the man you're becoming, man. I remember when you were three, how scared I felt, how insecure I felt, all that. I'm sorry it didn't happen, man. But dad cashed out. Dad doesn't get a vote anymore. And that's going to come with storms. It's going to come with he's going to rain down hell on you. And it's going to come with actual cost. It might come with the loss of work, it might come with whatever. But few things, brother, are worth your dignity and your respect, especially when you're raising another young man. Thank you so, so much for the call, brother. You call me anytime you want. Anytime I can help you with your money. I can help you with your relationships. You call me. I got you. And Dean, send me a picture of your JP wedding this weekend. When we come back, a man asks, how can he communicate his needs to his wife? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Most of us are guilty of over sharing with the wrong person at one time or another. Or maybe you're like me and you're just a bit of an oversharer all the time. Let's be honest, our entire culture is based on oversharing and everyone is giving everyone else mental health advice all of the time. Some of it may be good, but a ton of the advice floating around is nonsense. And as fun as it can be to talk about everyday stuff with everyone you meet, when you need help with relationships, anxiety, depression or other clinical issues, they may not have the right answers. You may need real guidance from a licensed therapist who follows a strict code of conduct. And that's why I recommend reaching out to my friends at Better Help. BetterHelp's the largest online therapy provider in the world, and that means no matter what you're facing, chances are they've got someone who specializes in exactly what you're struggling with. And it's totally online. And that means it's easier to fit therapy into your busy schedule. To get started, just answer a few simple questions, nothing weird or scary, and they're going to connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. BetterHelp has been matching people with therapists for over a decade, and they know what they're doing. So find the right one with better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10 off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney let's go to Athens, Georgia and talk to Ian. What's up, Ian?

[Caller Ian]

What's going on? Dr. Dawn, this will probably be. Could be the easiest question, or it may go deeper than I realize, but can you help me identify and communicate my needs to my spouse better?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, great question, man. Tell me, tell me more.

[Caller Ian]

So basically we have a great relationship and she's got some health issues. So I serve her, you know, quite brilliantly just because of the need. I love her, but what I realize is I, or I don't realize is that as I'm taking on more and more and more responsibilities to help her, I don't ever express my needs until then when she's struggling, she expresses a need and I'm unable emotionally to receive that need. And so then I realized, oh crap, I feel bad too. And so then it ends up having, you know, a fight or whatever. But I'm. So we're working through trying to figure out how do I identify when I need help versus being kind of a hero or self sacrificing savior all the time.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Good question, man. Who benefited? Let me say that again. Who benefited when you were younger, when you just shut your mouth and got busy?

[Caller Ian]

I don't know. I think honestly I would say that it's almost generational. My dad's the same way. He is the best servant, the best worker. But as a family, when we were younger, it was great. So I don't know if it's generational or modeled that way. I don't know.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Does your dad do things that he loves that, that, does he have hobbies? Does he have. Where does he have laughter and joy in his life.

[Caller Ian]

With serving his family and caring for them and providing for him?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, so back to you. What needs do you think you have that you're not putting out on the table?

[Caller Ian]

I think just, I think in the season we're in, there's not as much of the joy or the connection. So it's just the toil that when I'm serving and taking care of them, it's fine. I don't realize that I'm putting a burden on myself. And it's great to be able to see them smile, but when they struggle, it's like, oh man.

[Caller Ren]

What? What?

[Caller Ian]

I can't do anything to fix that. I've already poured myself out entirely.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What are you missing?

[Caller Ian]

I think I actually listened to a recent episode of yours and it stuck out of the connection with my wife and the connection, like, I can do all of these things, but in a season with health issues and young kids, it feels like there's so much work that I'm doing that I don't ever get to just be with her or be with the kids. There's so much more to be taken care of.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So bring me, bring me. Bring the word connection more into focus. Are you missing sex? Are you missing just rest? Are you missing laughter and play? Like, what are you missing?

[Caller Ian]

I think, yeah, it's the time. It's the interpersonal time. We've started to just kind of go, all right, kids, you stay downstairs. When I get home, dad and mom go up and we just talk. And that's been probably a week and it's been awesome. Just, just to talk, just to connect and like, look in her eyes again.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. What are the nature of her, her health issues?

[Caller Ian]

It's just kind of like an autoimmune, it's like a reduced capacity. So she's. She's always going to have like 65% and some, some days it's 25, some days it's 75%. And so it's kind of hit or miss, depending on what's going on.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's the diagnosis?

[Caller Ian]

Pots.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. What kind of care is she receiving to improve functionality and overall well being.

[Caller Ian]

From like a medical perspective or in a psychiatric.

[Dr. John Deloney]

In a psychological perspective.

[Caller Ian]

I mean, all around, really, the prognosis or whatever is just a lot of. It's dietary, it's additional rest. And then as time progresses, the joke that one of our doctors says is like, oh, yeah, moms that have this, it's terrible. Until their kids are out of diapers and then miraculously they heal.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, so as far as y' all are concerned, you're just riding this one out.

[Caller Ian]

Yeah. As the kids age and we've seen progression as the kids have aged a little bit, so there is improvement. It's just a matter of like, probably three more years until we get a little more consistency of. All right. This is, you know, this is our normal and it's not that crazy.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I guess the thing that I'm hearing in your voice that I don't like is just this total resignation. Okay, you hear what I'm saying?

[Caller Ian]

Elaborate a little bit more.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What happens in your house when you express frustration?

[Caller Ian]

When I express it well, or where.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Do you have space in your house to just be upset, to be mad, to be frustrated, to get angry about things, to shake your fist at the sky and Say, why is. Why is this happening to my wife? Why is this happening to us? Why is the season this way?

[Caller Ian]

I think I just carry it throughout the day.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know, but what happens when you. When it. Because it'll make its way out. What happens when it makes its way out?

[Caller Ian]

I work harder and I. Yeah, I work harder. I get angry.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know, but what happens when you tell your wife. I'm really frustrated.

[Caller Ian]

That's the wild thing is she receives it super well and she does what she can. So it's almost like I don't. There's something in. Where I don't identify that I have the need to communicate it until after I express it poorly. And then she receives it and, you know, does help me navigate it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Well, what if you took the word need off the table for a while and I just asked you, Ian, what do you want in your life right now? Because when you, when you walk around and we say we have these needs, and I do get there's biological needs and there's relational. I get that. But I think we. We often walk around and say there's these needs that we're not having met, which really what it does is it makes other people, other situations, other externalities responsible for our joy instead of, Instead of owning I want this. So if I had to take the word need off the table and just ask you, what do you.

[Caller Ren]

What.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What would you want right now? Be specific. You're. And you're. You're doing a good job of, of talking very defensively, right? Like, it's hard to get in to your. Inside your chest because you've got your arms out. Like, if you just drop your hands and not. And get out of a defensive posture and just say, what. What do I want right now? If I could snap my fingers, what would I want besides my wife to feel better?

[Caller Dean]

Yeah.

[Caller Ian]

I want peace or just time without burden. So I would go back to like, just sitting on the couch and talking with her or like kind of just playing with the kids rather than worrying about the next thing I got to do to make sure they eat or put clean up or whatever. It's just that, like, bubble of time.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But again, you went back to her and you went back to your kids. I'm asking you, what do you want? You want a break? Do you want romance? Do you want, like. Because here's the thing. You can. You can have a really stressful Sunday afternoon, making lunches for the week, and call that good. It's when you spread this stress out to every minute of Every day. And I also understand. How old are your kids?

[Caller Ian]

Between one and six.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How many?

[Caller Ian]

Three of them.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Three. Okay, so I mean, your house is chaos, right? Like we know that, but often we get trapped in this. I need to do this, I need to do this, I need to do this. And really we don't need to. Those needs are us trying to fulfill an imaginary fictional picture that we've had superimposed on us. And it might be because your dad did all these things in his context, in his environment. And so you feel like I need to do all the stuff he was doing and I need to do it with a grateful heart and I need to always or it. I also understand, like kids just are playing, all of a sudden they just blow up a diaper, dude. And like I do. I need to change that right now. Right, But. Or right when I'm about to sit down, some kid knocks something over and the other kid hits the other kid and then the dog or peas and like, I get all that. But some of these things you can solve with an uncomfortable hour or uncomfortable two hours, once or twice or three times a week. And then it really creates a margin for what I would call the. Just the normal chaos of having three kids six to one. But I'm having a hard time getting to you, getting to your inside, into your core, being inside your spirit, if you will. Like, what do you want, man? I mean, because if it's time, you can do what you just said, like, hey, kids, when I get home, six year old, you get the one year old, because mom and I get 30 minutes period. But I want, I don't, I don't care. And by the way, that would be the greatest thing you could give your children, is modeling when it all goes down, mom comes first. The relationship between me and your mother is the anchor that holds this family in this house together. That gets priority number one. That'd be a great gift. But. But again, all that comes back to what do you, what do you want, man?

[Caller Ian]

Is it, is it wrong to just want the friendship, the partnership with my wife and with my kids? Not internal.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, so what's getting in the way of wanting. Like what's getting in the way of your friendship?

[Caller Ian]

I would say myself of forcing my. Forcing myself to take on everything.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So what's that getting you?

[Caller Ian]

More frustration?

[Dr. John Deloney]

No, but it's get. What's something positive. It's getting you.

[Caller Ian]

I mean, positively. I mean, it's. I would say at the surface level, it's being, Being great in terms of doing all These things.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And who's telling you that the only way you are great is by burning yourself out from the, from the inside out? Where is that? Where's that picture of greatness come from?

[Caller Ian]

I don't know.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Because, yeah, like as you said earlier, this can be a chaotic yet relatively simple exercise in asking, what do I want? I want to be friends with my wife again. So what must be true for that? Do this for me today. Get a yellow pad of paper and write on there for the first time in a long time, here's what I want. I want a friendship with my wife. I want to just play with my kids. Awesome. And then on the bottom of that paper, write these things down. These things must be done. I must change diapers when my one year old blows it up. I must get kids in bed at this time and then see which things are negotiable, which things can wait till tomorrow, which things can be done in batches and then plan those things out. And I also understand it is hard to come back and reignite a friendship with somebody with this additional responsibility. And you do. You've got a lot of weight on your squat bar. You always will because you're a dad of three and you're a husband. That's part of it. But it's getting back to, what do I want to do in the gym? Not looking in the mirror and saying I need to because I'm gross. I need, I need to do this because my legs are too small or my arms are too man. Drop all that because you're gonna need yourself into the grave or you're, you're gonna become a frustrated, angry version of yourself. So here's your permission to be a little bit selfish for the first time. What do you want, man? And let's reverse engineer and build that world. Thanks for the call, brother. Hang on the line. We're gonna get you hooked up with all these questions for humans so you can reignite your friendship with your kids and with your wife. We talk a lot on this show about boundaries. You know, emotional boundaries, relational, financial. But there's one boundary that almost nobody talks about boundaries in your digital life right now. Your personal information, like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school, sitting on countless gnarly websites that you have never heard of. And you didn't give them permission to have that information. But it's out there. And let's be honest, that's not just annoying, that's violating that. Constant exposure creates this low level hum of anxiety in the background. Of all of our lives, something always feels off. Somebody's always watching us or trying to profit off of us. That's why I use Delete Me. Delete Me goes after the data brokers and the people find our sites that collect and resell your information without your permission. They track down your info and they remove it. And every few months, they send you a report showing you exactly what they did. Taking control of your digital life is about boundaries and it's about peace. So go to join deleteme.com/deloney to save 20% off so that you can have digital boundaries and digital peace. That's join delete me.com/deloney all right, we're back with a money and marriage question. All the platinums have sold out for both money and marriages. The one in November and the one in February weekend. I think the VIPs are. Man, there may be two or three VIPs left for the Valentine's ones, but I think they're all sold out. Get your tickets while you can. This thing is going. It is cooking. November one, I think is getting close to being gone, and the February one still has some seats left. The Valentine's Day weekend. By the way, this solves your Christmas gift issue, by the way, especially you husbands. Dissolves your Christmas gift. Hey, honey, we're in. It's. It's a two for one. You could give a Valentine's Day gift for Christmas dudes and be like, hey, we're going to Nashville for a weekend for a marriage retreat. Your spouse, when she picks her job off the floor and is able to breathe again, would be like, oh, yeah, it's the best money marriage weekend. Where do they go? Kelly? We'll put the link in the show notes to get tickets, but here's a question that was left in the anonymous question box at Money Marriage. Can you repair a marriage after infidelity? If so, how? I. I'm trying to think of a different word. I'm going to change the words. I don't believe you can go back to the old marriage after infidelity. No. Can you rebuild a new, stronger, potentially more beautiful marriage? Absolutely. 1000%. I've seen it done over and over and over again. Is it hell? Yep. Is it a ton of work? Yes. What does it look like? No more secrets. Everything has to go back to can I trust you and can you trust me and can I trust myself and will you trust yourself? And those practices are established in tiny little increments piece by piece by piece. Actually just built an app not to help with, with infidelity, but it's a marriage app. It's called Together. It's in the Apple Store. Android users, relax, put the knives down. We're going to build one for you. But we got to take baby steps here. But it's in the Apple store. But it's simply built on this tiny daily practices to help you transform your marriage. That's what has to happen here, is I got to be honest about what I need to trust you for the next 90 days. And then in 90 days we're going to re evaluate and then here's what must be true for me to trust you. And the other person has to say, okay, I'm in. I'm going to do those things. I'm going to give you my codes to my phone. We're all going to share one checking account. I, when I'm going to be out past X, Y or Z, I'm going to call you. When I leave work, I'm going to call you. I'm going to text you, I'm going to turn my tracking. I don't know what the things are for you and your spouse, but can a marriage be rebuilt? Absolutely, yes. And, and here's one last thing. Both of you have to find things that help you stay alive inside your own skin. Where do you have joy and laughter and excitement and healthy fear and the erotic. How do you bring that type of aliveness back into your home, into your marriage, into your own chest, into your own spirit? So yes, can you? One million percent. Is it hard? Absolutely. And I'll tell you, from the folks I've met, it's worth every ounce of work, all of it. It's a great, great question. I love you guys. Be kind to one another. Begin practicing healthy relationships day by day. Ask yourself, what do I want? What do I want? And then communicate that with guidance. And then hopefully your partner will say, I'm in, by the way, here's what I want. And then game on. Love you guys. Bye.