My Wife Said She Never Loved Me

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show — January 16, 2026
Episode: My Wife Said She Never Loved Me

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Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show centers on the difficult realities and practical steps in navigating relationship and family turmoil. Dr. John guides listeners through the pain and recovery that follow devastating revelations in marriage, the intricacies of supporting family through crisis, and the importance of adult leadership in tough times. Callers bring raw, nuanced situations—from a wife’s shocking confession, to co-parenting teens through unplanned pregnancy, to the boundaries of family traditions—all approached with empathy, directness, and a focus on actionable next steps.

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Segment 1: “My Wife Said She Never Loved Me”

[00:05 – 16:20]

Key Discussion Points

• Caller Jeremy’s Situation:

  • Jeremy’s wife disclosed she only married him to escape her parents, believes she’d thrive without him, and doesn’t trust him ([00:05], [01:13]).
  • He’s been busy—full-time student and two jobs—trying to provide, but his wife felt neglected.
  • After her confession, they separated; she quickly expressed regret and asked him to return, but he felt broken.

• Dr. John’s Immediate Response:

  • Praises Jeremy for not reacting explosively:

    “Good for you for not blowing off the handle... sitting there for a minute and being wise about what you said and did next.” ([01:53])

  • Frames freezing as a valid trauma response.
  • Challenges "I can't come back":

    “I want to take that off the table. I want to give you back ownership... and say, ‘I’m choosing to not come back.’ That’s how you begin to regain autonomy.” ([05:43])

• Rebuilding, Not Repairing:

  • Marriage as they knew it is over—if they move forward, it must be a new, co-created version:

    “The marriage you had is over... Let's create a picture together of what we want this to look like and feel like.” ([07:11], [07:20])

  • Encourages both partners to literally write their visions, then, like combining Pinterest boards, build a new shared plan. ([10:04]–[11:05])

• Exploring Motives and Patterns:

  • Compassionately reframes the wife’s behavior as possibly a desperate attempt to gain attention, despite the deeply hurtful delivery. ([11:17])
  • Shares his own marital experience of cruelty through emotional withdrawal and silent treatment:

    “True courage and true bravery is walking back through the front door and sitting at the table across from somebody and saying, the marriage we had is over. We need to ask each other, ‘Do we want to rebuild a new one?’” ([13:17])

• Action vs. Withholding:

  • Warns against weaponizing absence, advocating for direct, courageous engagement instead.

    “Don’t also be cruel in withholding or trying to reestablish yourself through absence. Head right through it, man.” ([16:20])

Notable Quotes

• Dr. John:

  "She was trying to get through to you. She did it in a horrible way, man, but she’s trying to get through to you." ([11:17])

• Dr. John (on moving forward):

  "Finding yourself almost always comes through action, and sometimes it's action alone... Journaling, writing it down, being very honest..." ([16:20])

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Segment 2: “My Husband’s Time Blindness is Hurting Our Family”

[22:53 – 38:06]

Key Discussion Points

• Caller Blair’s Challenge:

  • Husband (a pastor) diagnosed with ADHD, chronically late for everything, impacting family life and professionalism.
  • Blair has taken on a “mother” role, trying to compensate and ensure punctuality.

• Dr. John’s Dual Perspective:

  • Admits his own lateness (“you’re describing my life”) to bridge understanding.
  • Describes the risk: wife becomes a manager rather than a partner.

    “Over time, you become more and more not his wife, but you become his mother. And what he needs desperately is his wife.” ([26:02])

  • Shares how his own wife stopped accommodating and focused on expressing how the lateness made her feel (“I feel embarrassed... dishonoring doctors by being late.”) ([27:35])
  • Encourages Blair to express deeper needs:

    "A way you can make me feel loved is not to be on time, but to be somewhere 15 minutes early. You make me feel loved and safe." ([31:31])

• Behavior and Boundaries:

  • Acknowledge behavior as a language, but also as a difference in internal priorities—her panic versus his indifference.
  • Suggests Blair consider her own needs, community, and support—not expecting her husband to fulfill all roles, challenging the “you complete me” cultural myth ([38:00]).

Memorable Moments

• Blair, on expectations:

  “I guess I was just taught that’s why we have a spouse, is to dump all that stuff on them.” ([38:06])

• Dr. John:

  “Tom Cruise lied to us: ‘You complete me.’ You have to have girlfriends, hobbies, support, and you gotta be open about the real depth of these things...” ([38:06])

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Segment 3: “Supporting My Teenage Son Through His Girlfriend’s Pregnancy”

[41:07 – 57:52]

Key Discussion Points

• Caller Bill’s Situation:

  • Divorced, blended family; 16-year-old son’s girlfriend is pregnant.
  • Bill feels guilt, worry, and confusion about how to best support his son and the impending grandchild, while staying on a tight budget.

• Dr. John’s Direction:

  • Advocates leadership: bring all adults (ex-wife, current wife, girlfriend’s mother) together and state:

    “You will have no greater fans than the three of us. You will have no greater support network on the planet...” ([43:07])

  • Emphasizes immediate acceptance, love, and support before “life lessons,” comparing it to comforting a child after a shock ([44:11]).

• Ownership and First Principles:

  • Admonishes Bill not to own shame or believe he “failed” as a father:

    “You didn’t fail him. Would you have done anything to prevent this? Absolutely. But... there’s not a report card on being a dad...” ([47:27])

  • Focus on “first principles”—who the family wants to be and represent, rather than obsessing over unknowns.

    “You as the guy who’s got the machete, heading off into the woods now, it is coming back to: here’s who we’re going to be.” ([51:59])

• Parenting and Setting Boundaries:

  • Make boundaries clear: “PlayStation—bye, Felicia! You will not have time for video games... We’re not just going to abdicate our parenting.” ([53:12])
  • Reminds Bill that his son is still a child, and that’s okay ("I’m still your dad... I’m going to still be one step ahead of you as we’re both navigating this crazy new future." ([56:55]))

Notable Quotes

• Dr. John’s empowerment:

  "True courage and true bravery is walking back through the front door and sitting at the table across from somebody..." ([13:17])
  “I will love you till the end of time... Do not ever forget I love you till the end of time.” ([57:20])

• On being pioneers:

  “We’re pioneers in a strange way within our family.” ([51:29])

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Segment 4: “Family Boundaries: Am I the Problem?”

[60:27 – 62:53]

Key Discussion Points

• Caller Clara’s Dilemma:

  • Mother-in-law wants all grandkids (two girls, two older boys) to sleep together at Christmas; Clara is uncomfortable with her toddler daughter sharing a room with older male cousins.
  • Mother-in-law insists Clara is “unreasonable” and hurting the “family dynamic.”

• Dr. John’s Firm Support:

  • Flat-out reassures Clara:

    “No, no and no. Your mother-in-law has a picture... that is not hers to make... Just because I won’t let my 3 year old daughter sleep in a room with a young teenage boy, that doesn’t mean I don’t trust that kid.” ([61:18])

  • Emphasizes parental responsibility over keeping peace at all costs.

Memorable Moment

• Dr. John:

  “If she wants to throw a temper tantrum because she’s not getting her way... then I’m gonna make alternative sleeping arrangements... but no, you are not the problem.” ([61:18])

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Thematic Threads & Takeaways

• Ownership and Directness: Across all segments, Dr. John champions taking active ownership of one’s language, choices, and next steps—moving from victimhood to agency.
• Communication and Compassion: Whether in marriage or parenting, tough-love honesty paired with deep empathy is presented as the most constructive path.
• Redefining Relationships: “The marriage you had is over”—old roles, old visions may need to be scrapped in favor of conscious, mutual rebuilding.
• Support Networks Matter: In family crises, stepping up and mobilizing adult support systems is crucial for navigating the unknown.
• Boundaries = Love: From marriage to parenting to family traditions, holding firm to healthy boundaries is not only acceptable, it’s a crucial act of caring.

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• “Good for you for not blowing off the handle... just sitting there for a minute and being wise...” — Dr. John ([01:53])
• “I want to take [‘I can’t’] off the table... say, ‘I’m choosing to not come back.’ That’s how you begin to regain autonomy.” — Dr. John ([05:43])
• “The marriage you had is over... Let's create a picture together...” — Dr. John ([07:20])
• “Over time, you become more and more not his wife, but you become his mother. And what he needs desperately is his wife.” — Dr. John ([26:02])
• “Tom Cruise lied to us: ‘You complete me.’” — Dr. John ([38:06])
• “You didn’t fail him. Would you have done anything to prevent this? Absolutely. But... there’s not a report card on being a dad...” — Dr. John ([47:27])
• “You will have no greater fans than the three of us.” — Dr. John ([43:07])
• “No, no and no. Your mother-in-law has a picture... that is not hers to make...” — Dr. John ([61:18])

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For Listeners:
This episode offers vulnerable, practical insight for anyone wrestling with betrayal, family crisis, or the messiness of marriage and parenting. Dr. John’s insistence on self-honesty, courageous confrontation, and active support systems cuts through shame and confusion to empower the next right step—no matter how steep the road ahead.

Transcript

[Caller 1]

2 weeks ago My wife sat me down and said that the only reason she married me was because she wanted to get out of her parents house. She thinks that she would thrive without me and that she didn't trust me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I have a rule about not talking bad about people's wives, man. But with all due respect, who does she think she is, man? What up? What's going on? Is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show taking your calls? It's not everything. There's a lot of hurting people out there and that's what this show's about. Pulling up a seat and helping you figure out what's the next right move in your marriage, your mental health, your dating life, your kids, whatever you got going on. That's my promise. I'll sit here with you and we'll figure it out. If you want to be on the show, go to john deloney.com ask a love to have you out here. Let's go. Oh geez. Let's go to Kelly's Hometown of Dallas, Texas. Dr. Jeremy. What's up Jeremy?

[Caller 1]

Not much. It's an honor to speak with you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sir by the way and same same brother. Appreciate you man.

[Caller 1]

So my question is, I'm just going to jump right off the diving board is two weeks ago my wife sat me down and said that the only reason she married me was because she wanted to get out of her parents house. And in that same conversation she said that she thinks that she would thrive without me and that she didn't trust me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Man. I'm sorry dude. What was the genesis of that conversation, man?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, so I, during that conversation I froze and I, I asked her about it after. I actually froze for two minutes after she said that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, that's, that's, that's not a bad response. Like that's a, that's a, that's a right and good response. I'll even go as far to say I, I know freezing is, you know, one of the trauma responses but like I just want to tell you, good for you for not blowing off the handle, dumping the whole thing back on her like just sitting there for a minute and being wise about what you said and did next. Good on you man.

[Caller 1]

Oh, thank you. I appre. I appreciate it. But she said that she had been put on the back burner and I asked her what she meant by that before I kind of, I grabbed some toiletries and some clothes, put it in a bag to go to my parents house and she said that as I've been a full Time student and working two jobs to kind of pay off some debt and to pay for school that I just hadn't made any time for her. And I said I didn't see it that way, but that was kind of where she was at.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I have a rule about not talking bad about people's wives, man. But with all due respect, who does she think she is, man? Like, where does this come from?

[Caller 1]

She's been through a lot of. She's been through a lot of trauma.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Great. Great. I mean, not great. Not great in, like, the good, but, like, a lot of people go through a lot of hell, and that's a context for a really tough life and a lot of hard work to become well and whole and healed. Get that. I totally get that. But what about that dynamic when she has a husband who is burning himself down to. To the end of the. Of the wax, right? To create a life for yourself and for her and for this future you all have committed to each other. Was this out of the blue? She been. Has she been dropping hints? Has she given you a trail of, hey, I miss you, I'd rather have less money in the house then you be gone all the time? Or is this just, like, a grenade that went off?

[Caller 1]

She has mentioned, like, that, you know, she wanted more time together. So I specifically set a time aside for date night each week. Like, and I really tried to commit to that. And I'll be honest. I was, like, four weeks of the month. I only probably did about three. And because I just got so buried at work trying to pick up an extra shift or two.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, if you're telling me the full story, brother, I just want to commend you. You're a good man.

[Caller 1]

I hope so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So was this her way of trying to get your attention, or was this her way of saying, like, gently or very not gently saying, I don't want to be married to you anymore?

[Caller 1]

Here's the curveball is I think she wanted to gain my attention because after we separated, and this is the part of confusion is two weeks. Well, just a couple days ago, she said that she deeply, deeply regretted saying all those things. And then she wants me back in the apartment, and I'm just like, I can't come back right now. I'm broken.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so tell me about that. So. So let's say this, okay? I'm gonna tell you the way she did that and how she did that, and what she said to you was. Was hurtful and painful and wrong. Okay?

[Caller 1]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And as a guy who has said Hurtful and wrong things and tried to say something, and it came out way more aggressive or way more hurtful than I meant for it to. There's a compassion side to it also. And so the challenge I'll put in front of you is the word I can't. I want to take that off the table. And I want to give you back ownership of yourself, of what you do and how you act next and say, I want you to take ownership and saying, not that I can't come back, but at this time, I'm choosing to not come back. That's how you retain. That's how you begin to re. Regain autonomy. Okay.

[Caller 1]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I want you to own. I'm choosing to not come back. And then that allows you to say, why am I making this choice?

[Caller 1]

Okay. I like that a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I. I don't. I. I don't want to go with I can't. So. So along that same vein, why are you choosing to not go back?

[Caller 2]

The.

[Caller 1]

The true reason is, as I pause and reflect, I don't know if. Because the next step in marriage is children. And I just. I don't know what that's going to look like with this kind of mindset.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So it's. It's not. The next step is you and your wife choosing to rebuild your marriage. The marriage you had is over.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And so we're going to rebuild a new marriage. And here's what that alignment looks like. You sitting down and saying, I am putting everything I have into this thing. Going to school, I'm working two jobs. I have a picture of the life I want to give you. And maybe she is saying, I have a different picture of our life together. And the power here is scrapping both of Yalls individual pictures and saying, let's create one together. And once we create a picture of what we want this thing to look like and what we want this thing to feel like, then we're going to reverse engineer an action course, which might be for a season. You're working on school, you're working on jobs because you got bills to pay and you've got a future in mind.

[Caller 1]

And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And she's saying, I want to spend less money, I want less things, and I want more of you. And for me, as a guy, that's hard for me to hear because most of us men are taught the only value we bring is what does the checking account look like? Or you've probably heard me say on the show. Somehow we've distilled down the question, what are you worth to a number, and that's just madness. And she might be on the phone call, and again, I'm trying to be compassionate here and just take everybody at. They're trying their best, right? And she might. She was on the phone, she might say, dude, for three years, five years. How long have y' all been married? Two years. How long you been married?

[Caller 1]

Three and a half.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Three and a half years. She might have been saying, I've been trying to tell this guy since we met. All I want is him. And he keeps telling me, no, you. No, you don't. You want. You want new. A new car, you want a bigger house, you want this. You want this. And she might just say, I threw a grenade in the middle of the living room because I. I miss this guy. I don't. I don't know, dude. I'm just trying to be as compassionate as I can here.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, no, I. I definitely. I definitely understand it. I appreciate for that perspective.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But. Yeah, dude, what she said, I can't imagine the amount of hurt that would have felt like.

[Caller 1]

It's something that I guess going back to, like, the. I. I'm choosing not to come back. I. I'm choosing to recover and kind of find myself again after that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but what does that. What does that mean? Like, to push on that. That feels like really Instagramy dramatic language. Like, what is find yours? What does that mean?

[Caller 1]

To me, that means writing down the picture of what I want my marriage to look like so that I can bring it back to her and we can take those two pictures. Hopefully she writes it down and merge it together.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't even know if it's emerging together as much as it is a. A you. It's kind of like a. Gosh, this is a terrible example, but it's kind of like y' all want to build a house, and so you each create your own Pinterest board, and you send that Pinterest board to an architect, and that architect takes both of these things and says, all right, one of you likes modern. One of you likes a lot of decor. One of you is a minimalist, and one of you likes an old cottage. And we're going to. Here's. Here's. Here's. This way we can kind of incorporate all of this. How does this feel?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, yeah, no, I like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I like.

[Caller 1]

I like the Pinterest analogy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm not.

[Caller 1]

I don't have a Pinterest account, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know. Yeah. Yeah, but. But you get what I'm saying.

[Caller 1]

Yeah. No, I, I definitely do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I guess I, I, so I mean, I'll say it again. Your hurts real and your exhaustion's real and you know her better than I do. But I'm going to just for the, for the sake of my own well being here, which this call's not about me, but I'm going to assume she was trying to get through to you. She did it in a horrible way, man, but she's trying to get through to you.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, I, I, I think that's, that's a, I, I've never thought of looking at, at it that way, but yeah, no, I, I believe that's accurate.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now can I, can I, I, I'm, I hesitate to do this because I don't want to put something into your mind or your spirit that's not there. Okay.

[Caller 1]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I'm going to tell you what I have done in my marriage in the past.

[Caller 1]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's cruel. Okay. It's one of the things that almost ended my marriage when I would get on a track. And what I mean by a track, either like two or three years of not dealing with me, I'm just kind of a spun up, anxious, I'm a lot. Right. I'm an over dramatic guy and not dealing with that stuff or I'm not, I'm late all the time or fill in the blank of any number of issues I have. Okay. And let me even dig deeper in any number of choices I make on a regular basis. Right. When my wife would call me out on it, rightfully so, the way I would regain, for lack of better words, the way I would regain power or regain standing with myself was A, to become a total victim and B, the words I use is I was very violent with my silence. I would withdraw, I would withdraw. Now, I never moved out like you did, but I would, in fact, I was all, I was almost worse. I would do that inside, I would move out, but I wouldn't even leave the house. And it was a way that I reestablished superiority in my own mind. And what I would tell you is true courage and true, true bravery is walking back through the front door and sitting at the table across from somebody and saying, the marriage we had is over. We need to ask each other do we want to rebuild a new one?

[Caller 1]

Got it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying? And so there, there's a, there's a super like, there's a, you hurt me so bad, I have to be gone. You said such a mean thing. I'm out of here. Right. You can, you can do that. But I, I, there's something about standing up tall and walking back through the front door and saying, that hurt bad. Because everything I'm doing here is for you. Do you want to realign a picture together?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, no, I, I definitely, like. Oh, yeah, it's definitely a, more, More of a. Yeah. A courageous approach. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're gonna, you're gonna have a conversation. You can outsource it to lawyers. Y' all are gonna have to at. Or you can take the courageous step and sit down across the table and look at somebody say, you hurt me bad. And I, I don't want you to regret what you said. You said what you said. Let's get to the. Let's get to the bones of it. Let's get through the skin. Let's get through the muscles, get down to the bones. And she's going to have to make some choices about, hey, I had a hellacious, traumatic past. I'm going to do the terrifying, hard, scary work of going to get well, because I don't want my kids to carry that. And you're going to have to say, maybe I'm putting words in your mouth. I'm just, I'm making up a story here. But I put all my value in work, accomplishing, being out there, scratching, clawing, and, and by the way, it may have nothing to do with value and worth. It may be. Dude, y' all got. It's, it's insanely expensive to even exist right now. And we have bills to pay. We want water in our house. Somebody has to be out working like this. Right? It may be that, too, but that's, that's part of that conversation, putting on the table.

[Caller 1]

Right? Yeah, It's. I'm gonna do that. I, it's much better than sitting here stewing, that's for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I, I, I'll tell you, finding yourself almost always comes through action, and sometimes it's action alone, right through journaling, writing it down, being very honest about. Here's what hurt about what you said. Here's my picture I was trying to create for us. I had a picture of what a husband's supposed to do, and I was doing it with all my might. I didn't want to be one of those guys that just plays video games. I was doing this. I was doing this. I was doing this. And also having the compassion and the grace to say, I never even asked you what your picture is of this thing. Or the question that saved my marriage was, what do you want this house to feel like when you both, when both of us walk in the front door and reverse engineer. What are the, what are the actions that must be true for that pig for us to feel ah. When we walk in the door and she may be out, dude, she may be delusional. I just want the lights on and I want a nice house. I don't want to have three kids. I just want you here all the time. And it's like, hey, that comes at a cost. There's a dollar. Like that's, that's a math problem. And it may be that, yeah, I married you to get out of my parents house because you felt safe. And you, I, I thought you, this relationship with you was going to heal me. And that's not true. That's one of the challenges with modern marriage is like we marry somebody as we think it's going to be like the ultimate ssri, like the ultimate anti anxiety and it just, it magnifies everything. But sorry. Sorry that. I know that hurts, man. I know that hurts bad. And she shouldn't have said that. It's cruel. And in the process of working through what, what we are going to do next, whether we are going to separate or whether we are going to forgive and whether we are going to create a new marriage, which I hope that's the t. The track you take. Don't also be cruel in withholding or trying to reestablish yourself through absence. Head right through it, man. You're gonna end up across the table from each other at sooner or later. You might have lawyers on either side of you or you might just walk through your own front door and say, all right, put it all out on the table. And we're both going to be calm and we're both going to be present. We're not going to be screaming and not going to be any histrionics. We're going to sit here and we're going to be two adults who agreed at 1.3 and a half years ago till death was part right or die. Let's sit down and have this hard conversation. And bro, I'll walk with you every step of the way. You need something, you holler at me. And if she wants to call in too, I'm happy to do that also. Next, right? Move, brother. Step one. Take the first step. Thanks for calling, ma'. Am. We come back, a woman asks how to get her husband. Oh God, is this my wife? Is this Kelly and my wife? We come back, a woman asks how to get her husband to take punctuality Seriously. We'll be right back. 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Share these episodes with your friends. Going on a campaign now to launch this show out even further into the world. And I can't do it without you. We don't pay for advertising or anything like that. You're our advertisements. And so thank you for being with us, for being in our gang. Pass the show around any way you know how. I'm super, super, super grateful. Let's go out to Asheville, North Carolina and talk to Blair. What's up, Blair?

[Caller 3]

Hey, Dr. John. I am having trouble with my husband. He as he was diagnosed with ADHD about a year or two ago, and he's always had some symptoms of that and is having a lot of kind of as our marriage goes along, it's becoming more and more of a problem, especially with our kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So be, be, don't dump it all into the diagnostic bucket. Be specific about the things that are becoming more of a problem.

[Caller 3]

Well, when I wrote in my question, it was specifically about him being on time. And he, I guess what they call is time blindness. And that literally rules his life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller 3]

So one of the examples was that actually like when I wrote in this was happening, my daughter had, or our daughter had a doctor's appointment. And the morning of I said, okay, her doctor's appointment is at 1030. You need to be there at 1030. You need to be have the kids buckled in their car seats at 10:45 pulling down the driveway or not 10:45, 10:15 to be there at 10:30. He said he got it at the address of the location in the reminder note on his calendar. And I was like, okay, I'm going to work. I went to work. 10:30 rolls around. He hasn't texted me or called me. So I look at his life360 and he is still at our house. And so this is not, it's not like the first time, but this, this happens literally almost every single day in our life with Something, he's never. Sorry. He's never on time for work. He's never on time for any of his own appointments. He's never on time for church. Like, he is a preacher, and he will have different pastors call him to fill his pulpit, and we are always rolling in the parking lot, like, five to ten minutes late.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, Let me ask you the. Like you're describing my life. Okay.

[Caller 2]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I, I, I am. I'm sitting. I'm sitting on your husband's side of the seat on this one. I'll flip to your side in a second. Okay. Okay, so here's the, here's the alternative vision here. Well, let me just say this. You got to be on time, said the guy who's always late. Okay.

[Caller 3]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So flip the other side. Has your husband lost a job because he's late?

[Caller 3]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is he really good at what he does? Are you there?

[Caller 3]

Yeah, I'm here. Sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is he good at. At being a pastor?

[Caller 3]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What time did he get to the doctor's appointment?

[Caller 3]

About 20 minutes late.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Did the kid get in and get seen?

[Caller 3]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So the challenge with working with somebody who struggles with being late is over time, you become more and more not his wife, but you become his mother.

[Caller 3]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what he needs desperately is his wife.

[Caller 3]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here is. I'll tell you how this was literally the switch that was flipped in my home with my wife. And I'm telling you this as I rolled into this show to record this show, like, 10 or 15 minutes late. Okay.

[Caller 3]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, so this is. This is the pot talking to the kettle here. Two things that were important happened. Number one, my wife. I. I don't know another way to say it, but completely backed off and said, I've got to let natural consequences be natural consequences. And it was a big revelation to her that me going to work five or 10 minutes or me going to church, let's say five or 10 minutes late literally didn't bother me the same way it bothered her. Okay. And so she said, I'm gonna leave at this time, but here's what switched for me. She said, I'm embarrassed when I walk in late, and I feel like everybody's looking at me. I'm embarrassed, and I feel ashamed that all these nurses and doctors have such insanely tight schedules, and their health care provider overlords are so strict on them that I feel it's dishonoring to them to be late.

[Caller 3]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that was the switch that flipped.

[Caller 3]

No, I have definitely tried that, and it doesn't work.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So here's the next thing she started doing. She started driving herself to. To church.

[Caller 3]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She just went in her own car. And not out of a fight. Not out of a. I'll show him, but out of a. This is a priority to me, and it's not a priority to him. And the first time I walked downstairs and the car was gone, I did. I. I got mad. And then I realized it's on me because she was very clear about. I. I feel embarrassed when I walk in late because, John, you're. I'm a big presence. Everybody looks at you when you walk in the door and I'm standing right next to you.

[Caller 3]

Yeah. How do I handle that with doctor's appointments, though? Because I literally just started a new job, and I. I can't just take off work to go to a doctor's appointment. Like. Like, I. And that's what I had started doing with my last job, was just being like, okay, you can't take them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But, like. I know, but. But get to the root of the issue here.

[Caller 3]

Yeah. And he said. And I know that you always say behavior is a language, and he's acting like he doesn't care. I think he does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He doesn't, though. He doesn't. Because he got there 20 minutes late. They saw his kid, it was fine. He dropped the kids off back at school or wherever, and he went on about his day.

[Caller 3]

I've literally almost. I've thought about calling the doctors when he's late and being like, if he's more than 10 minutes late, don't see him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but that's like me calling my kids school and saying, I'm not bringing his shoes. He's got to do his track workout in his bare feet. So he learns. And so it's you owning what's inside your chest, which is. I'm embarrassed. Tell me. You tell me. What is the big. What is it for you when you're at work and the kids get to the doctors 20 minutes late, and then they get seen, then they get their medicine and they leave. Why is that troubling to you? What's the thing beneath the thing, beneath the thing there?

[Caller 3]

Because I'm. I'm very respectful of people's time. And he's not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, there you go. And let's. So let's. Let's go one step deeper and say the thing that's in the middle of your chest, which is, I am married to a man that is disrespectful to other people.

[Caller 1]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you going? Go ahead.

[Caller 3]

Like his entire family. His entire family is like this. Like, they just have. They just don't care. His mom is the piano player at her church. And when we went there, she would always come in like right on time. And it literally would give me panic attacks.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, but you have to own your panic attack because, you know, the word you just said is she was right on time. And for some people, 10 minutes early is late.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so own your part of it. And when you communicate with him and you sit down and have a big conversation, it is. I have panic attacks here. I. Not real panic attacks, but I have this thing inside of me. And here. Here's what I'm trying to get you to do. And I'll. I'll get to him in a second. I want you to open your grip up. You continuing to tighten your grip over the calendar reminder and the this and the text messages. And here's the this and here's the that and here's the whatever. It's not helping, okay? Right. It's increasing.

[Caller 3]

Even if he's. Even if he's asked me to do that, it's not helping.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He does. He's putting all of his irresponsibility and his disrespect on you and making it your problem.

[Caller 3]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You sitting down and saying a way you can make me feel loved is not to be on time, but to be somewhere 15 minutes early. You make me feel loved and safe. And then if he doesn't do that, that's a deeper conversation. Let me take it out of the time for a second. Okay? Here. Here's a perfect example. In my house, my wife's a writer and I'm a writer. Okay? I'm in the middle of a book project now.

[Caller 3]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I write best from 9pm to 2am I wish with all of my being that was not the case.

[Caller 3]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Exhale. My wife gets up every morning at 5:15 and writes for one and a half hours in her perfect. Everything's where it needs to be. Like, it's like a desk that Joshua Fields Milburn, like the. The founder of the Minimalist would be proud of. Everything's right where it needs to be.

[Caller 3]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My writing area is in the corner of an. Of a room on top of my garage. And it looks like a mad house person lives up there. Right?

[Caller 3]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so there has been over the. We've been married 23 years. Like, you need to organize this. What if you put this here? What if you just did it like this? Whatever. There is an exhale. And this is how this, my husband's creative process works. Okay. So that's her saying, I'm going to open my hands to that. This is the guy married, and this is how he creatively operates. And the fair call out is when I get into a book writing mode, I literally lose track of humanity. I stay in my head all day. I'm reading 24 7, 365. I'm listening. I'm calling professionals, I'm calling therapists, I'm calling theologians, I'm calling people to. I just lose track of the world. Okay. And so the solution that we found together is when you're here, I need you present, and I'm going to gently put my hand on your leg to remind you to be present here. And that's the way I could honor and respect and love her. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller 3]

Yeah, we've been trying to do more of that. He's. We actually had a conversation the other day because he has a lot of friends at work that play video games. And I was like, if you sit down and play a video game, I will never see your face again because you will. Literally just your entire being will be in that video game.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so what's the deeper thing about that?

[Caller 3]

Is that you won't be there for me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Have that conversation. And what does quote unquote be there for me mean? Does it mean I'm exhausted and tired and worn out and I don't want you having fun and focusing on other things? Is it, I want you to sit in the kitchen and chit chat with me because that makes me feel loved? Is it? It's not fair. Is it? I'm lonely and you have all these friends and I don't like that. What does not be there for me mean?

[Caller 3]

I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. That to me is a deeper, harder question.

[Caller 3]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying?

[Caller 3]

Yeah, for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so there's something powerful about saying, I want you with me. And there's something insanely vulnerable about that because he might say, man, I'd rather hang out at the office. I mean, hang out at the restaurant for another half hour. And y' all have. If that's the case, you'll have a big challenge in your marriage.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, I. I joke with him a lot because he's. When we first got together nine years ago, we started dating. He was like, what if I joined the military? And I said, if I wanted to be away from you, I wouldn't marry you. Or. Yeah, like, if I wanted you away or not to be around you, I wouldn't marry you. The military will take you away from me. Like, why would you do that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What did he say?

[Caller 3]

He was like, yeah, you're right. That makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller 3]

So make everything together. Up until. Up until about two jobs ago, we worked the same jobs together too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. There's something powerful in telling your husband, I miss you. And instead of saying, you're never around with you starting that sentence with a U with an attack, it's saying, I miss my husband.

[Caller 2]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you being honest about. I have, over time, between work, between kids, I have allowed myself to be isolated. And I'm trying to put everything that I normally. Throughout all of human history, I would have had girlfriends, I would have had a church community. I would have had workmates, I would have had all these people in my life, cousins and parents and extended f. I would. Had all this support. And slowly, over time, your world has narrowed to where I'm asking him to carry everything relationally for me.

[Caller 3]

Yeah. And I'm not mean to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not an attack at all. This. This is like, I'm in the middle of this research right now. It's just pervasive. This is our culture. That's why. That's why there's difference between I need you here versus, hey, I'm going out with my girlfriends tomorrow night. You've got dinner and the kids.

[Caller 3]

And when I was. And when I would be able to do that, our group kind of just fell apart. But when I would do that, he would be there and he would. I would like. He would make sure to be there for me. If it was something like that, that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's what I'm getting at. There's something powerful about you owning what. What is happening in my entire ecosystem. What are these things that I saying to myself? I should and I have to and I must, and when I have the shoulds and the have to's and the musts, I'm now dumping it on this other person, and he's sitting there feeling, no, you don't. No, you don't. No, you don't.

[Caller 3]

Yeah. I guess I was just taught that that's why we have a spouse, is to dump all that stuff on them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And unfortunately, that's the nature of modern romance, which is you complete me. Tom Cruz lied to us. You have to have girlfriends, you've got to have hobbies, you've got to have support and care and extension, and you got to be open about the real depth of these things, which is I have go into panic If I'm not 10 minutes early to an appointment. And he's saying, I don't have that same panic. It's not a felt need for me. And then getting to the real thing beneath that and having that conversation, which is, I miss you. I feel like I'm married to a man who disrespects other people and that breaks my heart. Let's clear the deck. The marriage you had is over. Let's build a new one from the floor. Up with here's what I want. Thanks for the call, sister. And by the way, everybody out there, be on time. New year, new me. Kelly's looking at me. New year, new me. No. She's like, no. You're pretty, though, Kelly. No. We come back, a man asks how to support his son through his girlfriend's pregnancy while managing his own emotions. This show is sponsored by Better Help. As we head into the new year, I want you to take an inventory of all the stuff you're carrying, all the things you think you have to do or should do, along with all the past hurts and pains of past guilt, past shame. Listen, when the world feels heavy, it's important to first look in the mirror and consider setting down all of that old weight and not carry it into 2026. 2026 is going to have enough chaos of its own without you bringing all of the past into it. Therapy can help you identify that heavy stuff, that old guilt, that old shame, and move forward with clarity so you can focus on your being light heading into the new year. If you're thinking about therapy, check out my friends at Better Help. They have over 30,000 therapists and they're one of the leading online therapy providers on the planet. They're trusted by millions of people around the world with an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. It's online, so it's easy to fit into your schedule. To get started, just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who will fit your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you, you can change therapists at any time for no extra cost. You can't feel lighter without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Go to betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.com/Deloney. All right, let's go out to Salt Lake City and talk to Bill. What's up, Bill?

[Caller 2]

Dr. John DeLoney. How are You?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good. My brother, how are you doing?

[Caller 2]

Very well, thanks. It's an honor to speak to you, man.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's an honor to speak to you, brother. What's up, dude?

[Caller 2]

Well, hey, just a little background for you here. So I have two teenage kids with my ex wife. One's in college, the other's a junior in high school. Their mum and I got divorced eight years ago. A year after that I remarried and my current wife and I have two little kids together. Now I've always had a really good co parenting relationship with my ex wife. You know, we put the kids first every time. We've treated each other with respect and civility. Both the kids get along.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Amazing. Good for you, brother.

[Caller 2]

Thank you, thank you.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Caller 2]

And both the kids get along well with their stepmom. You know, my current wife, however, we recently found out that the, the girlfriend of my younger son, she's also a junior in high school, is two months pregnant with his child.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, wow.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

16 years old, huh?

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Caller 2]

Now she intends to see the pregnancy through to full term, which I applaud, but she comes from a single parent household with very limited means and we're on a pretty tight budget ourselves, so that's kind of the context for, for my call today. So my question to you, Dr. John, is how do I appropriately support my son going forward so that he doesn't give up on his go and aspirations while at the same time dealing with my own feelings of, you know, worry, frustration, little bit of hurt and a kind of a sense of guilt that I've somehow failed him as a parent by, by not doing all I possibly could to prevent this from happening. So in other words, what's the next right move here?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, great question, brother. I want to reverse engineer this. Is that okay?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The greatest gift you can give that 16 year old girl and your 16 year old son is to invite them over to your house with your ex wife and your stepwife. I mean, I'm sorry, and your, your new wife. Not your stepwife, your ex wife and your new wife. And you look at those two scared to death, terrified teenagers and you lead the charge and you say, you will have no greater fans than the three of us.

[Caller 2]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You will have no greater support network on the planet than us three. And you look at that girl and say, hopefully your mom is, is right there. And if, and if you have a relationship with her, by the way, you're going to have a relationship with her forever. You want to invite her to this conversation. But These are like, they're right.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so the, the lessons, the y' all need to. Y' all should have their children. And I want to respond as such. Okay.

[Caller 2]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is my 9 year old daughter sticking something in a light socket and getting shocked and me not running up and being like, why'd you do that? But me running up and grabbing her and holding her and saying, that was scary. I'm so sorry. And after her shoulders drop and she gets done crying, then I'm gonna go squat all the way down to where I'm eye level with her next to the plug and say, hey, here's how this works. You. I, I'm scared too, because that could have killed you. You get what I'm saying? The lesson will come, the learning will come after the fight orf flight response is over.

[Caller 2]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so what those two 16 year olds need is all of the adults in their life to act in the highest order of adulthood they can, which is y' all are children and you will have no bigger support network than us.

[Caller 2]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And you're about to get the most amazing gift on the planet, which is a grandkid in one of the most. Right. In one of the most awful contexts possible. Right?

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. So I'm going to put all this on the table in the most honest, real way I can. And it's scary. Is that cool?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All of the data I have and this is somehow this became un. Like not PC or whatever. And until a group of people start talking publicly about this, it's going to continue to be a shadowed secret. The chances of that your grandchild ending up in poverty is greatly increased by the situation with which he or she is being born into.

[Caller 2]

Right. Yeah, I can, I can understand that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Having a very tough road to like a very tough road ahead. Very tough. And so we know that's coming our way. And so what we are going to do is we're going to fight like bloody hell so that this new grandbaby of ours will not become a statistic. Absolutely or no, it will become a statistic, but it's going to be in the, the other side of the, of the equation. The very small statistic that is so like showered in support and love and care. We're gonna do everything we can. Okay.

[Caller 2]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How's that resonate with you?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, it, it definitely hits home. And I can, I can completely appreciate what you're saying. Yeah. I want to be as supportive as I can and I know that my son's mother wants to Be supportive as well. But we're both trying to wrap our heads around the whole situation. And how's this going to work logistically? I mean, they both got another year of high school. And, um, you know, my son, he's. He's had ADHD his whole life. He was diagnosed from an early age. And, you know, his mom and I have always tried to help him, you know, with whatever supports we could. He's had lots of therapy. He's on, you know, a medication that works pretty well for him nowadays.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. But let's back out. He didn't have sex because he has adhd.

[Caller 2]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he didn't have sex because you somehow failed.

[Caller 2]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, yeah, no, I see what you're saying.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let that sink in for a second. You didn't quote, unquote, failure kid. Your kid had sex really young and a consequence of having sex sometimes as a child. Okay?

[Caller 2]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you didn't. You didn't fail him. Would you have done anything to prevent this? Absolutely. But this isn't somehow. You didn't somehow, like, there's not a report card that's going to come in the mail on being a dad.

[Caller 1]

And you got an F. Okay.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if you walk around with this big cinder block of shame in your backpack as my new identity as a dad is I'm a failure. What the. All that's going to do is weigh down the next right thing that you need to do as a new granddad and as a overly supportive father.

[Caller 2]

Right, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And let me, Let me. I want to free you on this. Okay? You have no bad feelings here. You have no bad thoughts here. What does that mean? Dude, you can be driving to work tomorrow and just pounding your steering wheel in anger, in frustration, in heartbreak, because you know how hard the road is going to be for your 16 year old son moving forward. You know this.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You. All of those thoughts, all those feelings are right and good. So when you have thoughts, when you have feelings, don't beat yourself up over. Well, if I was a real supportive dad, I wouldn't be thinking this. Or if I was a really good, almost future granddad, I wouldn't be feeling this. Don't let your mind create stories around these feelings. Your feelings are right, man. They're right. Okay. What matters here in these, like, everything is different moments is what are you going to do next?

[Caller 2]

Absolutely. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if there is a possibility some. Some adult has to step up and lead this thing, and so I'm anointing you. Right? Somebody has to get Your new wife, your ex wife and hopefully this 16 year old girl's terrified, scared single mother in a room and say here's how we're going to support our two children and here's how we're going to support this new child coming into the world and we're all struggling to make it financially and this is going to be hard on all of us.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if that means that 16 year old girl needs to be under your roof for a season, then so be it. Because I'm playing a 10 year game now. I'm playing a 20 year game now, not a what's right tonight kind of thing.

[Caller 2]

I see.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if that single mom has a cascade of boyfriends coming in and out of her house and you are able to say, hey, this 16 year old girl is not going to be in a good situation and especially my grandbaby's not going to be in a good situation, here's what I'm going to offer up here. And with all due respect, your son's, your 16 year old son, his goals and his aspirations are going to be different now. And if this feels overwhelming. It is, it's a lot.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I was, I was not expecting to hear that news. No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nope.

[Caller 2]

At the 8, at the age I am.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No parent is.

[Caller 2]

And we don't have a precedent for this in our, in either of our families, either my family or my ex wife's family for you know, a kid having their own kid this young. So we don't really have a roadmap for, you know, what lies ahead. We don't have relatives we can speak to and get their experience or anything because you know, we're pioneers in a strange way within our family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That is the greatest picture I've ever heard painted of what you're experiencing right now. It's beautifully said. And let me tell you my personal when I'm faced with a situation that I have no road map for. When I, my, my mother was a teacher, my dad was a policeman and became a teacher, my wife was a teacher and a professor. When I left the university system, it's basic education was all I knew. I was a high school teacher, I did elementary school one year and I was worked at universities for 20. When I left to go be a YouTuber or a podcaster, I had no, no one in my family knew what that meant. And so you know what me and my wife did, we went back to first principles. Who are we gonna be first? And we need to make sure we anchor into that and so you as the guy who's got the machete, heading off into the woods now having to carve a new path that you don't even know where we're going, it is coming back to. Here's who we're going to be. We will support you, we will be right alongside you, and we're always, always going to tell you the truth. And you're 16, so we're still your parents for at least two more years.

[Caller 2]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And we are going to make sure you have a roof on over your head until this date. And PlayStation. Bye, Felicia. You will not have time for video games for at least the next three years. Five years, 10 years. Right. So there's. It's not like we're just in the abdicate our parenting. Right. And by the way, this isn't like y'.

[Caller 4]

All.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We're not just gonna like, be like. All right, well, y' all are sexually active now. Nope. We're gonna, we're gonna create some pretty firm boundaries here.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. So we're going to go back to first principles. Now that we're about to head off on an unknown adventure, who are we going to be? Wherever we end up.

[Caller 2]

I see.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And your 16 year old has to not only know that, but his brain doesn't know enough to know stuff. He's got to feel that. That my dad is disappointed, but more underneath the disappointment is my dad is scared because my dad knows data. My dad knows how hard it's been being a dad himself when he had a job and, and two co parents with new wife and ex wife.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm not disappointed in you. You didn't fail me, but man, you picked a really hard, hard path. And so you're going to need a lot of support. And you're going to get it whether you want it or not.

[Caller 2]

Definitely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's what your. Here's what your end goal, not your end goal, your first short term goal is number one, we're going to keep that baby in a safe environment as best as we possibly can manage. And if, if, if her mom says, screw you guys, y' all gonna have to navigate that. And it might end up y' all going to court for custody. I mean, this thing can get messy. Right? The goal after that is the day my son turns 18. I don't want him thinking I have to get out of here. Even if getting an apartment, if he chooses to stay with this girl and they choose to get married, if they choose to do that, we're going to sit at the table Again and be like, y' all are entering into the next hardest thing, which is being married at eight freaking teen. I will be your number one fan.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right, right. And dude, that means you're going to spend a lot of time in the car. Sobbing. This is going to be hard.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, yeah, it has been really hard. I just, I haven't, I hadn't really known the best way to approach it. I mean, you know, tried to try to reassure him and offer my support, but my words feel a bit empty because I'm kind of scared myself. You know, I. I don't know what's ahead.

[Caller 1]

So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So say that because your son can feel that. Okay, Take him out to breakfast and say, here's the deal. Number one fan, Number one support will be me. Ride or die, you and me. You're my son and I'm really scared because I know how hard the road is ahead of you.

[Caller 2]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And for the next few years, when you quote, unquote, become a man and you start raising kids, there's a lot of that that's out on your own. You've had to figure out how to be divorced and be a good co parent. Right. You've had to figure all that stuff out, go in whose house and what holidays. You'll have had to navigate all that. And it's awful. You had to navigate telling your kids, hey, guess what, you're getting a new mom in the house. Like you had to navigate all that. You've been through hard stuff before.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But for the time being, you got to tell your 16 year old son, I'm still your dad, you're still a teenager, and I'm gonna still be one step ahead of you as we're both navigating this crazy new future. And my goal is when you turn 18, my goal is when you turn 19, 20. That as you head off on your own, I've at least tramped the grass down in front of you where you're walking because you got a hard path.

[Caller 2]

Definitely. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you're a real gangster father, you'll grab your son by his face and you'll look at the 16 year old. You'll like becoming a young man, kid, and say, I will love you till the end of time. And I'm gonna say the wrong thing. I'm gonna get mad sometimes, I'm gonna get frustrated sometimes. I'm gonna challenge you sometimes. Do not ever forget I love you till the end of time.

[Caller 2]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I'm saying?

[Caller 2]

Oh, yeah, 100%.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you've never had a man. Like, if your dad didn't say that to you, all of this will be new, all this will be awkward. And that's your next right move. But let's rally the adults. Let's go to first principles. Who are we going to be as this thing happens? Then let's bring those scared to death teenagers into the room and say, we are on your side, for yalls sake and for this baby's sake. And we're not going to rush you all into getting married. We're not going to rush you into this, but we are going to rally around because we have a new grandbaby coming and we want to be joyful when this baby arrives. We don't. This baby arriving in a cloud of disappointment and sadness and want this baby to be just overwhelmed with how much it's loved. And we still got to be your parents because y' all are kids. Every step of the way is going to be hard. But we're gonna be right there with you. Thanks for the call, brother. Hey, anytime you want to call, man, I'm here for you. You're a good, good man. Good man. It's an honor to talk to you. We'll be right back. If you've seen me speaking on stage at live events, if you see me in a local comedy club, or if you see me out working in my yard or even on the socials or the Internets, you you've seen me wearing poncho shirts. Why? Because I love them. I'm always wearing poncho shirts. And because it's cold outside right now, I get to wear my favorite poncho shirts. The denims and the flannels. Poncho denims have that soft, broken in feel with a little bit of stretch. Feels like you've worn it a million times, but it still looks awesome. And poncho flannels come in original and western styles, and they're guaranteed to be the softest shirts you own. I'm wearing one right now, and it's amazing. Somehow these shirts are both tough and comfortable, and they look great wherever you wear them. Poncho shirts come in slim or regular fit. They're built to last, and they hold up to whatever your life throws at you when you're shopping for the men in your life. Go to poncho outdoors.com DeLoney and hook them up with the greatest shirts in the world. Sign up with her email right now and you get 10 bucks off your first order. And I want you to tell Poncho you heard about their amazing shirts right here on the Dr. John DeLoney Show. That's Poncho outdoors.com DeLoney all right. Oh beautiful Queen Kelly. Am I the problem? All right.

[Caller 4]

This is from Clara in Idaho and she writes. Now keep in mind people are listening to this after the holidays. This is actually the day before Thanksgiving that we're recording this because it's a holiday theme. Question.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Excellent.

[Caller 4]

My in laws are hosting Christmas and my mother in law wants the grandkids to sleep all together in the same room. We have two girls age 3 and 8 months. My sister in law has two boys age 7 and 12. The baby will stay in our room and it will be tight but doable to keep our oldest daughter in the room with us as well. Aside from the differing bedtimes, I'm not comfortable with our toddler daughter staying in a room with two older boys.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Correct.

[Caller 4]

Even if they are family and I have no whatsoever to suspect that they were would endanger her. My mother in law is insisting I am being unreasonable and detracting from the family dynamic if I keep our daughter sleeping in our room. Am I the problem?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no and no. Your mother in law has a picture of what she wants this thing to look like and that a picture A is not hers to make and B, it, it just because I, I won't let my 3 year old daughter sleep in a room with a, with a young teenage boy. That doesn't mean I don't trust that kid. A kid could be the best kid in the world. He's still, he's still 12. He's 12. You know what 12 year olds do? 12 year old things. They think things are hilarious. They think things are funny. They think scaring a three year old in the middle of the night just for like they're 12. They're 12. And so no, I'm not going to let my three year old daughter do that. And if my mother in law wants to throw a temper tantrum because she's not getting her way with, with, with. She's not using my daughter as a paintbrush for the picture she wants to paint, then I'm gonna make alternative sleeping arrangements. I'm gonna not. I'm gonna get a hotel. Great. And if she wants to throw another Tim, she gets to do that. But no, dude. And part of family stuff is being uncomfortable. So we're all gonna pile in the same room. Great. Wonderful. Good. But no, you are not the problem. You are a great mom looking after your kids. And again, it doesn't always in fact, I'll even go rarely. It doesn't, it often doesn't go to. I think something abusive is gonna. No, it is. I'm going to give my 3 year old daughter a comfortable sleeping experience which is going to be in her parents, in a strange house with strangers, with me and my family. Ta da. And I'm going to be uncomfortable to make that thing happen. Ta da. It's just, it's no brainer. Easy peasy. You feel good about that, Kelly?

[Caller 4]

Yep, I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good call. Yeah, holidays are messy, dude. And hey, you're getting this, you're getting this podcast on the back end of the holidays before too much time passes. If you're married, get with your spouse and you all sit down and just reflect. Be honest about the experience and let that inform next year. Because next year is going to be just like this, just like this year year. Be reflective about it, how you feel, how you experience each other, the things that were awesome, the things that were uncomfortable and the things I do not want to have happen. Then make sure you write those things down cuz next year's coming. Love you guys. Bye. All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in Marriage Getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at 749 bucks a couple. Get [e-mail] getaway.