My Wife Wants to Divorce After My Affair

Summary

Podcast Summary: "My Wife Wants to Divorce After My Affair"

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Dr. John DeLoney Show
• Host/Author: Ramsey Network
• Episode: My Wife Wants to Divorce After My Affair
• Release Date: July 14, 2025
• Description: The Dr. John DeLoney Show is a caller-driven program offering real talk on relationships and mental health challenges. Listeners are encouraged to send in their questions via voicemail or email.

---

1. Introduction and Caller Jason’s Story

Timestamp: [00:21] - [17:05]

The episode opens with Jason from Columbus, Ohio, sharing his distressing experience of having an emotional affair with a coworker in 2022. He explains how his wife discovered the affair, leading to severe trauma and the initiation of divorce proceedings. Jason is grappling with understanding why the affair happened and is seeking guidance on how to rebuild his life and salvage his marriage.

• Jason: "I had an emotional affair with a coworker in 2022. When my wife found out, it was pretty traumatic. And so I'm sitting at 50, just trying to figure out how do I start over and what do I do?" [00:21]

Dr. DeLoney’s Analysis: Dr. DeLoney delves into the possible reasons behind Jason's emotional affair, highlighting the breakdown in the marital relationship due to co-managing responsibilities and lack of emotional connection. He emphasizes the importance of small, meaningful interactions that may have been lost over time.

• Dr. John DeLoney: "Affairs are heavy and wrong and blah, blah, blah. But you're not crazy and you aren't the only person this happened to." [10:00]

Key Insights:

• The chaotic post-COVID environment exacerbated marital strains.
• Emotional affairs often stem from unmet emotional needs within the marriage.
• Rebuilding trust requires mutual effort and accountability from both partners.

---

2. Caller Brianne’s Concern About Her Husband’s Happiness

Timestamp: [21:29] - [35:32]

Brianne calls in expressing concern over her husband's persistent unhappiness, attributing it to body dysmorphia and a general sense of inadequacy. She seeks advice on where her responsibility ends and his begins in helping him find happiness.

• Brianne: "He has this image in his mind of the younger him, where he grew up. He was pretty morbidly obese, and he was able to, you know, fight that demon. And he's in wonderful, wonderful shape. But for whatever reason, he still finds himself looking at himself in the mirror, thinking that he's too large or he's just simply uncomfortable in his skin." [22:13]

Dr. DeLoney’s Guidance: Dr. DeLoney offers strategies to support Brianne's husband without projecting her own feelings of failure onto him. He suggests creating opportunities for small wins and fostering open, honest communication to help him recognize his own value.

• Dr. John DeLoney: "There's something incredibly powerful about you putting your hand on his forearm on the drive home and at a stoplight, saying, hey, look me in the eyes." [28:53]

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. DeLoney: "Be in it with him and tell him, dude, it makes me feel a little bit small that I can't give you a bigger house." [35:24]
• Brianne: "This discontent feels like it bleeds into other things. Like when he's like, I wish that our house was a little bit bigger." [33:08]

Key Insights:

• Addressing body dysmorphia requires patience and consistent support.
• Encouraging open dialogue about insecurities can help alleviate internal struggles.
• Recognizing and affirming a partner’s value is crucial for their emotional well-being.

---

3. Caller Sandra’s Dilemma Over Custody of His Daughter

Timestamp: [38:45] - [47:27]

Sandra from Baltimore shares her husband's struggle to gain custody of his biological daughter from seven years ago. Despite his love for his daughter, legal and relational complications have hindered his efforts, leading Sandra to question whether he should continue fighting for custody.

• Sandra: "I want there to be a record for my little girl, even when she's 25, that your dad never stopped fighting to be in your life." [45:03]

Dr. DeLoney’s Advice: Dr. DeLoney passionately advises Sandra to support her husband in his fight for custody, emphasizing the long-term emotional benefits for their daughter. He underscores the importance of taking decisive legal action to secure a genuine relationship between father and child.

• Dr. John DeLoney: "I'm coming for my daughter 100% of the time." [45:55]

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. DeLoney: "You’re gonna lose respect in him. There's gonna be a little girl out there that turns into a teenager... Don’t do that." [46:12]
• Sandra: "It just hurts me to see him not do anything when I can tell that it bothers him." [43:58]

Key Insights:

• Legal battles for custody can have profound emotional impacts on all parties involved.
• Persistent effort and legal action are essential to maintain and establish paternal bonds.
• Open communication and mutual support within the marriage are crucial during such conflicts.

---

4. Success Story: Kelly’s Impactful Intervention

Timestamp: [48:45] - [51:18]

Kelly shares a heartfelt success story where a caller, Hannah, reached out for help regarding suicidal thoughts. Thanks to the intervention and a wellness check initiated by Kelly, Hannah voluntarily entered inpatient care and is now safe and recovering.

• Kelly: "I call the authorities to do a wellness check, and she just texted me... I voluntarily went to an inpatient care facility and just got out." [49:14]

Dr. DeLoney’s Reflection: Dr. DeLoney commends Kelly for her courage and emphasizes the importance of being proactive in supporting those in crisis. He highlights the critical role that such interventions can play in saving lives.

• Dr. John DeLoney: "Be the friend that shows up and talks to your buddy and says, hey, brother, I don't think you're doing well." [51:17]

Key Insights:

• Timely interventions can make a significant difference in individuals experiencing mental health crises.
• Encouraging open communication and seeking professional help are vital steps in ensuring the safety and well-being of loved ones.
• Community support and proactive actions foster a stronger, healthier society.

---

Conclusion

In this emotionally charged episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, listeners are provided with deep insights into complex relationship and mental health challenges. From navigating the aftermath of an emotional affair to supporting a partner struggling with self-worth, and advocating for parental custody, Dr. DeLoney offers empathetic and practical advice. The episode underscores the importance of communication, mutual support, and proactive interventions in fostering healthy relationships and ensuring mental well-being.

---

Notable Quotes Summary:

• Jason [00:21]: "I had an emotional affair with a coworker in 2022. When my wife found out, it was pretty traumatic."
• Dr. DeLoney [10:00]: "Affairs are heavy and wrong... But you're not crazy and you aren't the only person this happened to."
• Brianne [22:13]: "He still finds himself looking at himself in the mirror, thinking that he's too large or he's just simply uncomfortable in his skin."
• Dr. DeLoney [28:53]: "There's something incredibly powerful about you putting your hand on his forearm... saying, hey, look me in the eyes."
• Sandra [45:03]: "I want there to be a record for my little girl... that your dad never stopped fighting to be in your life."
• Dr. DeLoney [45:55]: "I'm coming for my daughter 100% of the time."
• Kelly [49:14]: "I voluntarily went to an inpatient care facility and just got out."
• Dr. DeLoney [51:17]: "Be the friend that shows up and talks to your buddy... Be the dad that fights for his daughter."

---

This summary encapsulates the essence of the episode, providing a comprehensive overview of the discussions, insights, and conclusions shared by Dr. John DeLoney and his callers.

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Big news.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

New dates for money and marriage.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend, 2026. Get [e-mail] events to get away with your spouse. In Nashville, Tennessee.

[Jason]

I had an emotional affair with a co worker in 2022. When my wife found out, it was pretty traumatic. And so I'm. I'm sitting in this at 50, just trying to figure, how do I start over and what do I do? One of her big questions is, why? And I don't know how to answer that.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

What's up? What's up?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is John, the Dr. John DeLoney Show. There's 11 trillion podcasts you could be listening to, and you picked this one. I'm super grateful that you're with us. If you're watching this on the youtubes, there's about a billion years worth of information out there, and you're watching us here. I'm so glad that you are with us. If you want to be on this show, go to john deloney.com ask. This is real people with real challenges. And here's my promise. I'll sit with you and we'll try to figure out what's your next right move. Sometimes we don't know what to do. Sometimes we have to stop, grieve it, lick our wounds, check in with somebody, and then go do the next right. Dang. Take the next right step. Let's go out to Columbus, Ohio, and talk to Jason. What's up, Jason?

[Jason]

Hey, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm all right, brother. How about you, ma'?

[Unnamed Caller]

Am?

[Jason]

I'm okay. Thanks for taking my call today.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course, of course. What's up, man?

[Jason]

So I am. I'm gonna try to get through this without getting too emotional.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, hey. Feel free to get emotional as you can, man. There's not a lot of space for men to get emotional anymore. And so this is that space for you. It's just you and me and a couple of million people listening.

[Jason]

Thanks. What's up? I am 50 years old. I have been married for what would be 15 years this year, and going through divorce proceedings now, still trying to convince my wife to pause the proceedings or at least put them off. I had an emotional affair with a co worker in 2022. When my wife found out, it was pretty traumatic. Caused a lot of trauma and turmoil in my family. And so I'm sitting In this at 50, just trying to figure out, like, how do I start over and what do I do? We have three kids, 18, 12, and 10. Kind of been putting it off telling them about the divorce proceedings. We just told them last Friday, and it was, it was rough.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

So why now?

[Jason]

I think why now? The divorce, like, if, if, if you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Had emotional Fairback in 2022.

[Jason]

I mean, we're three was. 23 was. My wife had a really hard time dealing with all of it.

[Unnamed Caller]

Okay.

[Jason]

And without going into too much detail, it was, it was just 23 was a really, really rough year.

[Unnamed Caller]

Okay.

[Jason]

And so starting in About October of 23, we started trying to figure out what our next move was. I quit the job that I was working at, like, shortly after, as soon as I could find another job because I, Yeah, I didn't want to up and leave a job. Still needed to provide for the family.

[Unnamed Caller]

Sure.

[Jason]

But the, but the work environment was just bad and so left the job, found another job and trying to just start over. One of her big questions is why? And I don't, like, I don't know how to answer that because I look back at it and I don't even know how it happened.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So 23 was rough.

[Jason]

23 was rough. We started over, trying to, trying to rebuild in October of 23, went to some counseling for a little while, went through 24. We ended up selling our house, trying to downsize. And then it's just the mental part of it is too much for her to deal with. She worries about it. Constantly worries about if I'm talking to somebody or texting somebody or we've put stuff in place. I have text messages going to a tablet at our house so that everything is visible. But she keeps asking me the question about why, and I don't know how to explain that.

[Unnamed Caller]

So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there's a lot here I really wish she was on the phone because I want to hear her story. Because I guess here's what I would say, her telling you. I just can't get over the fact that you had emotional feelings for somebody else. It's not true. And so at some level, she's choosing to stay in this and choosing to stay in this and choosing to stay in this. And so I, I, I, I would want to know what she's, what this is accomplishing for her, where she's trying.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

To go with this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But. But she's not on the phone, so I can only talk to you. So back me up to 2020. We're coming out of COVID I mean, we're in the middle of COVID It's a chaotic nightmare depending on where you live and you're up north, and so I'm assuming it was pretty rough. And then you're in 2021 and people are just trying to figure out what day it is. And some people are in it, so we're out of it. It's chaotic. So post election, it's just a Madhouse. And then 2022, walk me through what happened with a co worker.

[Jason]

So it just, it started as just, I worked in a, like a manufacturing environment where there was a ton of people, and it just started with a, you know, hey, really appreciate your help, you do a great job, this sort of thing. And then as the text messages progressed, they just progressed and turned into like, oh, man, I love being around you, or I love talking to you. It's like, oh, I love you too. And it just escalated into this emotional thing and it was never, never became a physical thing. We never saw each other outside of work. It was, I was always at work. There was always people around. It was never a. It was never a physical affair. It was, it was honestly like, if I'm being honest, it almost like it just fed my ego.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course it did. Yeah. It felt good, right? Yeah.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did y' all ever send each other naked pictures or anything like that?

[Jason]

No.

[Unnamed Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Jason]

So, like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So back me all the way.

[Jason]

And things were rough. Right. I worked in an environment where I worked. I literally worked six to seven days, 12 to 15 hour days.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. So that, that's what I want to get to the context here, because this often happens, like way you described it was perfect in that it almost always happens. This isn't, this isn't a thousand percent, I mean, 100% of the time, but it almost always, what you're talking about occurs from two people at home that have gotten in the rut of life and they've stopped doing what I call the small attenuating behaviors, the gentle touches on the arm, the checking in once a day or twice a day or three times a day. People stop sleeping together.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

People just get into.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And this is very common coming out of COVID People became very good co managers of their house. You do this task, I'll do this task.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And There's. You had two little ones, right? So you had what, a 6 year old and a 9 year old or something, plus a teenager trying to navigate homeschool. Your wife was probably running up and down a task list every day. You are going to work six or seven hours a day wearing a mask, not wearing a mask, trying to fight, trying to do this. And suddenly one degree of separation, I'll do this set of tasks. You do this set of tasks. Turn into, we're roommates and we're co managers and we're just trying to survive this chaos. One person's on their phone, the other person's on their phone. And then somebody at work says, man, you're hilarious. Or one person at work just gives you a very human, I see you and I appreciate you. And it feels good.

[Jason]

Yeah, right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It feels good. And then you start having conversations there that either she doesn't want to have at home or you don't want to have at home, or this is a weird thing to say out loud, but you get to a place where you're co managing the house, but you don't know how to even go back to or start over, how to have those. Hey, checking in. How are you?

[Unnamed Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because it just becomes a task list rundown. You're just managing the place, right?

[Jason]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then somebody says, hey, this feels good. So I, I want to say this. I get emotional. Affairs are heavy and wrong and blah, blah, blah. But you're not crazy and you aren't the only person this happened to.

[Jason]

What?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm. What? I'm.

[Jason]

There was, There was other. There's other. So I was. There were other flirtatious text messages, of course, as well, with other people.

[Unnamed Caller]

Okay.

[Jason]

And so that piles on top of it. I wasn't in an environment where I could always be available to talk. So there were times where I would get calls at work and I would go, look, I can't deal with this right now. You're going to have to manage that at home because I don't have the time to do it right now.

[Unnamed Caller]

Right.

[Jason]

And so all of that replays. Right. It replays everything from the last 11 years that I worked at the place because it was just, it was chaos.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Well, I mean, is this a serial.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thing you've been doing for like basically hiding from your home at work six to seven days a week and getting your. All of your emotional, like your productivity, your intentionality, and now your emotionals. Is that all being met somewhere not in your home?

[Jason]

So. Yes. So I stayed at that job. She begged me to. Not begged me, but she asked me to quit the job. And I'm like, how do you want me to quit the job? We have it's. I've got to provide. And I, like, I thought that was my job. I thought my role was I've got to go. I got to make this amount of money so that we can do these vacations and we can afford this house and we can afford these cars.

[Unnamed Caller]

Sure.

[Jason]

And like I look back at it now and none of it mattered.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Correct.

[Jason]

Not one bit of it. Right. But at the time it was just, I gotta go to work, I gotta like, I gotta do it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And was, was going to work a way to not be at home?

[Jason]

No, I loved being at home. Like I loved being at home with my wife and kids. It just was the, the money was fantastic.

[Unnamed Caller]

Okay.

[Jason]

And so. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So. So take me to right now. What, what have you done differently?

[Jason]

So I am, I'm at a job now where I'm, I'm. I work for basically four and a half days. I work Monday through Thursday, 10 hour days, eight hour day on Friday. I'm out at 2-30s and, and so I'm home, don't work any weekends. I'm present and doing stuff with the kids. I basically missed out on like a lot of my kids childhood and especially my, my oldest.

[Unnamed Caller]

Right.

[Jason]

Who's now 18.

[Unnamed Caller]

He's.

[Jason]

Him and I had a horrible relationship and it's now like we're doing stuff together. Right. Took him out to lunch a few months ago. He's graduated high school. Trying to help him or an adult because he's 18, so he's still a kid.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Checking in with the wife, it's just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But take me to, take me to right this second. Why did she file for divorce?

[Jason]

She, she told me she filed because of what happened and that she can't deal with the drama. So I like, back all the way up to the beginning of our marriage, I was the one that put in place like, hey, we don't, we don't ride in cars with people of opposite sex. We set these boundaries. We don't have these conversations. This is how we do it. And then I would inviolate it. Every single one.

[Unnamed Caller]

Sure.

[Jason]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I gotcha.

[Jason]

And so she's got other past trauma too, but this has been really, really difficult.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have any idea what she thinks she is going to accomplish by separating the family up?

[Jason]

I think she thinks she won't have to worry about what I'm doing. I think for her, if the divorce is, if the divorce is final, then she doesn't have to worry about what I'm doing or who I'm talking to. And I've tried to say like, the divorce is just a piece of paper that says we're not married anymore. Like, because I still care. I love my wife very much and I'm not kidding, I'll do whatever it takes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I can hear that. So is she through working on it? I know. I know she's filed, but I don't.

[Jason]

I don't think so. I, Like, I still have hope, and I think there's a part of her, like, because we still co. Have. We still live together. We still live in the same house.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah.

[Jason]

And so I think she wants to. She just doesn't know how and can't get the answers that she's looking for.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah.

[Jason]

And I don't know how to give them to her because, like I said, I look back at it, and I don't know how I got to that point.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It doesn't matter how you got there, but if you sat down and said, I was a shell of a person, and instead of coming home for emotional security and emotional safety and emotional interactions, I felt good to get it from someone else, and I went down a rabbit hole and I screwed up.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So what else is she asking for?

[Unnamed Caller]

She.

[Jason]

She wants to know why.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, you've told her why, and I can't.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here's what that tells me. What that tells me is she's searching for a feeling that won't come. The feeling that she's searching for will only come on the other end of the action, both of y' all working together. And unfortunately, I'm afraid she's going to try to get that feeling on the other side of this. This separation, the other side of this divorce, this finality. And it's not going to be there either. It's going to be worse.

[Jason]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's. Here's the deal. You. You've heard my show. If you've listened to my show before, you know, I'm pretty rough on men because I feel like I'm one.

[Unnamed Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I can. I can speak from that experience. I hear it in your voice, man. I hear repentance in your voice. And I hear trying to make it right and trying to build something new. And I also hear she is hoping for a feeling, a sense of this.

[Unnamed Caller]

Ah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's not going to come without a ton of work on her end, too.

[Unnamed Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so, yeah, that's tough. What she's going to have to do is exhale and say, I am going to choose to potentially get hurt again, and I'm going to choose to redate this man and refall in love with this man who he is now, not who he was. And there's a lot of hurt in the past. And let's be honest, she contributed to an environment too. Fair.

[Jason]

Yes. That's Fair.

[Unnamed Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know you don't want to say that kind of stuff, but she's got to take ownership too.

[Jason]

No, because I want to honor her through all this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know. That's why I'm saying that's not. That's not a place for you to call out. This is the wrong time for you to be like, yeah, well, you did that. You're doing a very right thing, which still own all of it. But the only way she can heal is to own her part, too.

[Unnamed Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And this sounds. I know this sounds strange for me, and people like to bash me on the Internet for how rough I am on men. They don't hear this side of the conversation that I have privately. I want to commend you for taking ownership of.

[Unnamed Caller]

Of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of messing up and for taking two or three years of walking it back. And you're living in the grief of, oh, my gosh, I traded money for my kids time. I traded a feel good relationship with somebody at work for the consistency and love and the vulnerable conversations of telling my wife what I need at home, too. I traded that. And you sounds like you get it, man.

[Jason]

Yeah, I did. And. And it's going through that grieving now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know, I know. But that's the path. You're doing what you need to do, brother. And at the end of the day, she's got a choice to make. And my. My hope is that she doesn't assume that everything's going to be better on the other side of a divorce, because now you're going to be. I mean, you. You think I'm not have to worry about him anymore or her anymore? Sheesh, man. Now you're gonna. It's just gonna escalate. I mean, it's just gonna be a mess. So, man, Appreciate the call, my brother. If you guys both want to call me back on the same call or have her call me, I would love to talk to you. We come back, a woman wonders how her husband can be a healthy role model for their daughters.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

Some of them had memory foam that felt like I was sinking into quicksand.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

It can be for that.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

But therapy is also a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional well being or their relationships. I see a therapist for both the big challenges from my past and as well as helping me navigate the day to day challenges of being a husband, a dad and a citizen. Many of you should think about therapy too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They also have over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist just for them. And to get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time, easily and for no extra cost. Listen, talk it out with better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's BetterHelp.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

H E L p.com DeLoney.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nashville, Tennessee right down the street. Let's talk to Brianne. Hey Brianne, what's up?

[Brianne]

Hey Dr. John, how are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing all right, how are you?

[Brianne]

I'm doing good, thanks.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Brianne]

So I Was calling today to talk about my husband, who's a wonderful, wonderful man, but for some reason, he just doesn't seem happy. Like, he doesn't see his own value and his own worth. And as his wife, like, I want to support him, and so I wonder where my responsibility to helping him find that value and that happiness, like, ends and where his responsibility begins.

[Unnamed Caller]

Tell me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me what you mean by he doesn't seem happy anymore.

[Unnamed Caller]

He.

[Brianne]

One of the main contributors, I think, is body dysmorphia.

[Unnamed Caller]

He.

[Brianne]

He has this image in his mind of the younger him, where he grew up. He was pretty morbidly obese, and he was able to, you know, fight that demon. And. And he's in wonderful, wonderful shape. But for whatever reason, he still finds himself looking at himself in the mirror, thinking that he's too large or he's just simply uncomfortable in his skin. And he makes a lot of comments about it, especially, like, in front of our daughters. And it makes me very nervous for the inner dialogue that our daughters are creating for themselves.

[Unnamed Caller]

Sure.

[Brianne]

And, I mean, that's only one contributor. He. He just. He doesn't seem happy at all. He's not happy with where we live. He doesn't. He's not happy with our house. He's not happy with his job. Sometimes he's not happy with all of these things. And I feel personally that it's. It's so much coming from his intrinsic value that's just sort of being projected.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's a sense that something out there will make me feel better inside.

[Brianne]

Exactly.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long have y' all been married?

[Brianne]

We've been married for about four years, and we've been together for 11.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you?

[Brianne]

35.

[Unnamed Caller]

35.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are your babies?

[Brianne]

7 and 9.

[Unnamed Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. I. As a guy who has also struggled with body dysmorphia, I was never morbidly obese, but in fact, I was the opposite. I was just so skinny. I can tell you the two things that worked in my life. One was my wife contacted a close friend of mine that sat down and said, you got to go talk to somebody. And again, body dysmorphia is a. It's a symptom. Right. It's a. It's a light on the dashboard of there's something external, whether it's a mirror image, whether it's a dollar amount, whether it's a size of a neighbor of a neighborhood, whether it's a house, whatever it is, but it's a sign of something missing inside. The second thing Is my wife has been very direct in you're not going to say those things in front of my children. And when she took that type of ownership for me, it's like a, I'm trying to think of the right word, but it was like a lightning bolt for me. Like basically she came to a point where she said, you can think this about yourself, it is not true. It's a lie. But I can't get inside your head. But you will not say these things about your body in front of those kids.

[Brianne]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that was a lightning bolt for me.

[Brianne]

Yeah, I've definitely, I've taken that stance of good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's basically protecting your kids.

[Unnamed Caller]

Right?

[Brianne]

Exactly. This is an environment that our children are growing up in and I don't want them to think anything but beautiful thoughts about themselves. And I've also, I think sort of the first point that you hit on about talking to somebody else to talk to him is a big one for us because early in our relationship he wasn't the most stand up guy. He wasn't, you know, he wasn't, you know, the man that he is today. And for that reason a lot of his friends like his friend group, I mean, naturally as a young adult, your friends sort of go off in different directions, but his friends really dropped him. And in the last, you know, however many years since, he hasn't really gained a foundation or a support group of men in his life like I would like for him to. And I can only think of maybe one or two people who are really close to him, friend wise. And honestly, I don't completely trust them. I don't see that they have the values inside of them that I would even feel comfortable calling to say, know, hey, you need to talk to him. Because I have asked him directly, you know, hey, you know, how can I support you? Like, would you be interested in talking to somebody in therapy? And he immediately box at that. You know, would you like to explore religion? And he box at that. You know, whether it's solo, whether it be as a family, whether it's a men's Bible study group. And it just feels like all of the options that I have at my feet just aren't, aren't good enough. And that unhappiness, you know, it permeates our household and in ways like he doesn't want to go do things or, you know, even if he does it, it very much feels like he's doing it to satisfy us and isn't truly there in the moment with us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, but I want you to be careful about a couple of things.

[Unnamed Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'll give you a couple of options. And. And. But if he does go do the things, and you begin to try to get inside his head and begin to judge his motives or his feelings about doing the things, then what happens is it's this weird recursive loop de loop. But he comes to understand that he lives in a failure factory.

[Brianne]

Got it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if he can't rest in the right way, or he can't go play with his daughters in the right way, or even going out with the family for ice cream or to baseball, I don't know what y' all do, but to go fishing, I'm just making up stuff if he can't do that. Because even then you're like, well, you don't even want to be here. And then that's a recipe for a man that just cashes out in his own life.

[Brianne]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Instead of at the end of the night. Even if he felt grumpy, even if he felt like he was distant in a good. You've been with him for over a decade. You know, when he's present, when he's not even, like, emotionally, his body can be somewhere, but his mind's somewhere else.

[Brianne]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There is something incredibly powerful about you putting your hand on his forearm on the drive home and at a stoplight, saying, hey, look me in the eyes. And he looks at you and say, I'm really glad that you came tonight. This is more fun with you here.

[Unnamed Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's different than. You don't even seem like you want to be here. You get what I'm saying?

[Unnamed Caller]

Right?

[Brianne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so he's got to have some places where he gets tiny little wins, and unfortunately, not. Unfortunately. Thank God you're the person that can help him with those tiny little wins, because right now, his ability to see them in and of himself, that.

[Unnamed Caller]

That.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That sensor doesn't work. It's busted. And it probably got broken when he's a kid.

[Brianne]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The next thing you can do is if he doesn't want to go, or others don't feel like I'm gonna go anyway. And there is. Was years of my life that I went begrudgingly because I didn't want to be the husband who stayed at home when my wife took the kids out somewhere.

[Brianne]

Right. No, And. And he. I did go through that. I did go through the, you know, we're gonna go, and you're totally invited, and we'd love for you to come stage.

[Unnamed Caller]

Okay.

[Brianne]

And he's definitely moved past that. Like, no, I'm gonna be there. And can't understate the amount. Like, he is a wonderful husband. He is a present parent. Like, I just. I don't understand how he doesn't see himself the way that I do.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah. I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It may be that his mom and his dad didn't either.

[Brianne]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And my guess is that you feel powerless and you feel like you're somehow deficient because you can't make him see something. And I don't want you to project your feeling of failure, which, by the way, you're not failing. I don't want you to project that on him and make him carry that, too.

[Unnamed Caller]

You're absolutely right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So for me, this is me just being as honest as I can. Probably more honest than I've ever been on the show. I don't know that I will ever be able to see myself in a mirror in a way that is. Is accurate. But I'll be damned if my kids won't see their. Their beauty.

[Unnamed Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I gently ask my wife sometimes, hey, is this T shirt? Can I wear this T shirt? And she knows what that means. And she'll say, you look hot. Or she'll say, let's don't do that one today. And I've chosen to not let that spiral me out. I've chosen to, like, let her be honest with me.

[Unnamed Caller]

Right.

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I make sure I tell my daughter every single day of her life, even though she rolls her eyes out the back of her head, that I think she's beautiful. And I make sure with my son that I hug him every single day of my life. I would like to hug my daughter, but that's a whole thing. But we have a special hug. It's not really a hug, but it's as close as I'm going to get for a while.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

But I'm going to make sure that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They know without a shadow of a doubt that they're beautiful, that they're handsome.

[Brianne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I don't know that you can fix what's inside of him with that. That. I mean, my sensors just busted. It just is. And I've just made peace with it because I got tired of hating. I got tired of hating how I looked, and then I got tired of hating that I hated how I looked. Right. You know what I'm saying? So I just declared a ceasefire with my own self. It is what it is. And I exercise, so I feel good. And I try to wear clothes that fit most of the time. And I'm gonna make sure My kids know I freaking love them.

[Brianne]

Yeah. I think the part that you said about, like, me projecting my feelings of failure, like, it's my responsibility to help him remedy that feeling or fix that picture in the mirror or whatever it may be, it hits the nail on the head. Especially when, like I said, this discontent feels like it bleeds into other things. Like when he's like, you know, I wish that our house was a little bit bigger. I wish that I could have this country club membership. I wish, and I think all of those things continue that narrative in my head of, like, I'm failing him somehow. Like, I didn't get us a larger house. Like, I didn't get us the country club membership. Like, I didn't, you know, whatever X may be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's the solution to that. The first thing is tonight, when the kids are in bed, tell them I want 33, 30 minutes just with you and me. And you can tell them, you're not getting lucky tonight, buddy. I just need to talk to you for a minute. And you can laugh about it, whatever, but hold his hands and look him in the eye and say, this is going to be awkward, but I'm doing this anyway. And say, you're the guy that I met 11 years ago or 12 years ago that I've been with for 11 years. I've been married to for four years. We made two beautiful kids. I think you're effing awesome. And I think you're. I think you're super attractive. And I know that for whatever reason, you don't always see that, but I've been. I've been trying to take ownership of that, and I'm not going to anymore. I'm just going to tell you that I love you and I'm going to stop nagging you about it and hassling you about it. And I see the man you're becoming. I see the dad you are. It's amazing. And I project my own insecurities onto you, and I'm sorry. And the next step will be I want you to take all of those things a little bit bigger. House, country club membership. I want you to write it down on a piece of paper. And once a month, you and I, when we do our family calendar and our family budget, we'll look at them and see are any of these still important or not? And once you get them out of your head and on a piece of paper, what? When I started doing that, I'm telling you, just. Some of the stuff just falls away because it. Look, it's dumb. But when it's in my head, it just. It's another brick in the mental load wheelbarrow that I carry around with me all the time. Writing it down at the end of the day is like, dude, country club. What a waste of money. That's just stupid, you know? But right when it just feels like another thing I don't have, another thing I don't have, and then it feels like there's a hundred things I don't have, just commit to writing them down and tell him, I'm going to write down my things. And y' all can look at them, you can laugh, and you can circle them, and the next month, you can roll them up, and the next month, you can roll up. At the end of this year, if y' all save up some money and y' all want to spend it on something, then look on that list and see what you want to spend it on.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But begin to just get that. That crap out of your body and out of your spirit, out of your head and put on a piece of paper.

[Unnamed Caller]

I can do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But here's what I'm saying. Be in it with him and tell him, dude, it makes me feel a little bit small that I can't give you a bigger house. And he's probably going to say, it's my job to get a bigger house. And you. You might say, well, I make more money than you. I don't know yalls financial situation, but y' all could talk about it or what My wife says a hundred percent of the time is when I say, man, I wish we had. She goes, I love this house. I love it. And it's just an exhale, like, she loves our life.

[Brianne]

I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I hear that from her over and over. And I'm telling you, it is a tall glass of cold water in the desert for me as a guy who just feels like I'm never providing enough. My goodness, just hearing that over and over is such a gift. And I'm sure she gets tired of saying it, but it's just pretty awesome.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the last thing I'll tell you is, at some point, if you want to tell him, hey, I want to love you better. I want to find ways that I can love you better. And I don't feel like I'm doing a great job. He'll probably say, you do a great job, you can go see somebody here in Nashville and just tell him, I would love for you to come with me, but I'm going to go because I want to learn to Love you better. And he sounds like the kind of guy that will let you go once, let you go twice, and he'll be.

[Unnamed Caller]

Like, okay, I'll go, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's okay. And if he sits there with his arm folded in the first one or two sessions and he hears you tell a third party, I just want to love this man. And he doesn't see what value I see in him and how amazing I think he is. And I want to do a better job of connecting with him. That might be the path to him opening up for the first time. We come back, a woman asks if her husband should fight for his daughter's custody.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can help lift your mood.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

Code [e-mail] DeLoney all right, Sandra in Baltimore. What's up? Sandra?

[Unnamed Caller]

Hi.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How are you?

[Unnamed Caller]

I'm pretty good.

[Brianne]

How are you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. How can I help?

[Unnamed Caller]

Hi. So my question is if, you know, if my husband should proceed with fighting for custody of his biological daughter. So seven years ago.

[Brianne]

We were.

[Unnamed Caller]

We had bought a house and we were moving out of the neighborhood and he had an affair with the cousin of Our neighbors who's at the time.

[Brianne]

Living in her basement.

[Unnamed Caller]

And she already, she was married, she had a kid and she ended up pregnant with my husband. And so when we, when I, I didn't find out until four years later and when I find out there was a process of healing and obviously before that I wanted to like bring everything out and try to figure out what we were going to do because she was very adamant that she wanted her daughter to be part of my husband's life. And so I had to sit down with my family. Everyone, everyone knew at the time, Even my then 7 year old boy, no 9 year old boy had to know about it because if she was going to be part of it, he had to know about her. And so it was hard for me because obviously, how do you tell a kiddo this happened? And so to me it was crazy at the time, but I put on my big girl pants and like we, I tried to like make friends with her and try to figure out how we could go about it.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Wow.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on, I'll just pause right there. That's, that's next level.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah, it was, it was a hard time.

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long ago is this?

[Unnamed Caller]

About three to four years ago that I found out.

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How's your marriage right now?

[Unnamed Caller]

It's got, it's gotten better. We're still working on our relationship.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is he working on it?

[Unnamed Caller]

He's trying. There's times where I don't see the effort, but we have people around us that are keeping him accountable and so that has helped.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So tell me about the situation right now with the daughter, with the custody.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah, we, we don't have any contact with them. I mean, I have tried to text the mom and like try to see where she's at with things, but the last conversation she was saying how. Yeah, no, I'm not, I'm not sure that just that's what I want for her anymore. So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, your husband needs to go to war for his custody of his daughter or at least half custody.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah, well, the only time that he tried, he was advised not to. They told him he was going to lose and it was just going to be chaotic. And because of this phase where we were at with our relationship, he chose not to pursue anything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is his name on the birth certificate?

[Unnamed Caller]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why not?

[Unnamed Caller]

Because since she was married at the time, her husband took in the baby girl as his.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So his name is on the certificate.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so. Jeez.

[Unnamed Caller]

And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what? I, I, I don't know the laws of Maryland in some places that's fraud. I, I, I don't know the laws of Maryland. Here's all I know. I know at some point that little girl will find out and what I would want. I don't care how messy it is. I don't care how expensive it is. I don't care any of that crap. I want there to be a record for my little girl, even when she's 25, that your dad never stopped fighting to be in your life. And I don't care what bad stuff other people said about me. I don't care about what bad stuff your stepdad or your birth mom said about me. Here's the track record. Here's the box of letters I sent you that got returned in via mail. I kept coming for you. I kept coming for you. And so, I mean, I'd probably get with an attorney before the day's over, but that's me. I, I don't do well not being around my daughter for three days. I can't imagine having a daughter out there that I didn't get to see. I just can't. I can't. I can't psychologically wrap my head around it. And my guess is you're asking this question because at some point you lose respect for me, your husband, because he's not fighting for his daughter.

[Unnamed Caller]

Somewhat, yes. Because. Not that I lose respect for him because I know how much he loves his kids and, but it, it just hurts me to see him not do anything when I can tell that it bothers him. He doesn't express it. He doesn't talk about it. It's a, it's a subject that he kind of leaves out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, he's got a huge hole in his chest, but he's, he's not going forward. It might be. I, I don't know what you can do in this situation other than to sit down and say, I know how you love our kids. I know you love that little girl. And I don't care what kind of advice we got. I'm giving you full permission to go fight for that, for custody of that, of that little girl, even if it's visitation on the weekends.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But, yeah, he's going to become a shell of himself because he's got half of himself running around in this little beautiful girl, and her life is, is, is based on a lie.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the day will come she'll find out. Technology, technologies do good. It just is.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah. And that's what I'm afraid of. Like, I wouldn't want to be in her shoes and no, no, nothing was done.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, his. Her. That guy, her stepparent, or the whole thing sounds like a mess. By the way, how do you even know that that's his kid? Did y' all get a patern? Paternity test?

[Brianne]

Yeah.

[Jason]

So.

[Unnamed Caller]

They had just done a paternity test when I found out about the whole situation.

Okay.

She was four years old at the time, I believe. And because that was my first reaction, like, how do you know that she's yours?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Unnamed Caller]

And so, yeah, that's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I would be on the phone with an attorney by the end of the day. Otherwise, here's what's going to happen. You're going to watch your husband wither away. You're gonna lose respect in him.

[Unnamed Caller]

And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You'Re gonna begin to question why you stuck around in this marriage to begin with. And there's gonna be a little girl out there that turns into a teenager, that turns into a young woman who's gonna find out she has a different parent, that her mom and her dad lied to her. And, I mean, her mom and her stepdad lied to her, and her birth father never came and fought for. And by the way, the world's got too many of those kids running around now. They call my show and they find out at 27, or they find out at 33, or they find out at 41, and their whole life, just the foundation of their life, turns to ash underneath them. Don't do that. Don't do that. Even if it's weekends, even if it is every other week. I don't care, dude. I. I don't know.

[Unnamed Caller]

I don't. I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I just tell you right now, I'm coming for my daughter 100% of the time. 100% of the time. Thanks for the call. Sandra, Grab your husband's hands tonight and just say, husband, we're going to get that girl and get on the phone with a lawyer and go figure out what's the next right move. Thank you for the call. We'll be right back.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Poncho is back. As a supporter of this show, and I'm stoked about it. If you have seen me speaking on stages across the country, if you watch this show, or if you recently ran into me when I was fishing with my son out at Gulf Shores in Alabama, or if you've even seen me mowing my acres out here in Nashville, I'm almost always wearing Poncho shirts inside and outside. Poncho makes the absolute best outdoor performance shirts for men, period. Whether they are sponsoring the show or not. You're going to almost always see me wearing poncho. And of course, I love their denims and their insanely soft flannels. But now that it's super hot outside, I'm wearing poncho shirts outside, too. They're lightweight and they're breathable, yet they're still tough enough to handle whatever chaos my day brings. And I'm talking everything from travel to being up to my chest, fishing in the surf or doing yard work. These shirts move with you, not against you. They dry fast, and they don't cling or bunch up, and they come in slim or regular fits, so you're not walking around like a circus tent or like a sausage link. Head over to poncho outdoors.com deloney and try them for yourself. And right now, new customers get $10 off their first poncho purchase. Just sign up with your email. Go to poncho outdoors.com DeLoney and trust me, Poncho ultralight shirts will turn into your summer essentials, too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, Kelly 2.0. Something cool happened. What's up?

[Kelly]

Something really cool happened, and I'm going to try to not even get emotional, but I didn't know you had those. I know. Well, dang.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, let's do it.

[Kelly]

Here we go.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right.

[Kelly]

So Hannah that we had on the show last week that presented the thoughts that she was having around suicide and how we called the authorities. Yeah, she just texted me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wow. Okay. What she say?

[Kelly]

Yeah, she said, can you please tell John and whoever that sent the authorities to my house? Thank you. I voluntarily went to an inpatient care facility and just got out. It was a weird experience, but I was safe for a few days. But thank you guys so much for all that you do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wow.

[Unnamed Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dang. And you were the ones on the phone making all those calls and everything. So what was your experience like doing that?

[Kelly]

It was really heavy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

Was really heavy. And just knowing that, like, she could be really angry with us, but, like, at the end of the day, like, that's what is best for her and her care. And I'm just so grateful that she was receptive to it and that we had the information that we needed to get her the help that she needed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And good on the authorities for showing up and doing wellness check. And the some of those folks that show up on those wellness checks are highly trained to encourage people to just go get the help they need. And it's tough when you're an adult because you can say, no, I'm gonna stay in my house. And, man, good for Hannah for being brave and going, that's awesome, dude. Good. Kelly, I'm. I. I'm really grateful that you made that call. And I know I've done that phone call too many times, and it's easy for me to say, like, we're going to call the authorities, but you're the one that actually made that call, and that's hard, and it's just surreal, right, going through all the information on that. So thank you for doing that. That made a big difference in that woman's life. She may still be here because you made that phone call. That's awesome. Good on you. Good on you. And everybody listening to the show. It doesn't always work out in the end, but this is one of those awesome moments that it did. And make the phone call. Be the friend that shows up and talks to your buddy and says, hey, brother, I don't think you're doing well. Be the woman who shows up with her girlfriend and says, hey, I. I'm just worried about you. Be the dad that fights for his daughter. Be the neighbor that calls and says, hey, authorities, I need you to do a wellness check on my neighbor. She's not looking.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Looking great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I love you guys. This country will turn around, neighbor by neighbor, front door by front door. Love you guys.