My Wife Won't Leave Her Job for Me

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode Title: My Wife Won't Leave Her Job for Me
Date: November 21, 2025
Podcast: The Dr. John Delony Show (Ramsey Network)

---

Episode Overview

This episode features Dr. John Delony taking live calls about personal relationships and mental health, diving into real issues from marriages in transition to family responses to abuse. The main theme focuses on navigating serious relationship crossroads, identity, and prioritizing mental and emotional well-being within partnerships and families.

The highlighted segment centers on a couple, Jack and Julie, struggling to redefine their marriage after years of shared business success and individual career pivots. The episode also addresses how to reclaim autonomy and safety after family trauma, and touches on emotional alienation within marriage.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Redefining Partnership After Shared Career Success

[00:25–21:43]

• Jack and Julie’s Background:

  • Jack and Julie are a married couple who previously built a business together, sold it, and are now struggling with divergent career paths.
  • Julie, now a VP of Marketing/CMO, finds fulfillment in her new career, while Jack—a serial entrepreneur—feels adrift and unsuccessful without her business partnership.

• Core Conflict:

  • Jack deeply values the shared purpose and success they experienced building a business together, and is floundering alone. Julie is conflicted—enjoying her independence and career, yet feeling guilty for not helping Jack and for his emotional struggles.
  • Jack: “I'm kind of tired of failing.” [00:38]
  • Julie: “Do I owe that to him to help him fulfill his entrepreneurial dreams?” [05:20]

• Emotional Underpinnings:

  • Dr. Delony identifies that beneath Jack’s business concerns lies a deeper insecurity about his value and identity in the relationship.
  • Dr. Delony: "I'm wondering if... deep down, you're missing your wife." [10:21]

• Transition to "Marriage Part Two":

  • Dr. Delony reframes their crisis as the death of one phase of marriage and the challenge of building a new kind together, centered not on business but on intentional connection, shared purpose, and mutual support.
  • The importance of recognition, affirmation, and intentional, non-business shared time.

• Letting Go of the Past:

  • Julie asks how to move past the hope that working together again will fix the marriage. Jack admits uncertainty and sometimes ambivalence about truly letting go of their prior dynamic.
  • Jack: "I'd rather have just shut the door completely." [14:41]
  • Dr. Delony: “You’re putting her in a position... you break up with me, instead of hearing... I’m really feeling fulfilled in this version of my professional self right now.” [14:46]

• Practical Next Steps:

  • Honest conversations to clarify what they want as a couple, grieve the loss of the previous dynamic, and intentionally craft a new shared life with new routines and purposes.
  • Dr. Delony: “How do we reprioritize this amazing adventure we set out together on, called not starting a business, but being married?” [12:28]

---

2. Reclaiming Autonomy After Family Trauma

[24:41–39:21]

• Julie’s Story:

  • Survivor of domestic violence, now supporting her sister-in-law through similar abuse.
  • The abuser (her brother-in-law) is enabled by family, causing grief, anger, and isolation during family gatherings—especially around holidays.

• Dr. Delony’s Approach:

  • Advocates for radical ownership and boundary setting. Encourages Julie to focus on her own peace and not allow enablers of abuse to dictate her holidays or self-worth.
  • Encourages replacing rumination and anger with grief for what’s lost and intentional creation of new traditions.
  • Dr. Delony: “The only person you can control here is you. I am not going to let people who protect violent criminals get a vote in my day.” [31:19]
  • Dr. Delony: “Choose guilt over resentment. Choose safety over fear.” [37:34]

• Memorable Guidance:

  • “If you haven't wept for the picture that should be families taking care of each other, criminals in jail—you need to spend some time in grief.” [33:27]

---

3. Navigating Emotional Withdrawal in Marriage

[41:17–53:54]

• Cole’s Situation:

  • Married with two young kids, Cole describes his wife’s severe exhaustion, emotional distancing, dysregulated sleep patterns, and aversion to intimacy—ongoing for seven years since their children were born.
  • Despite seeing a therapist, improvement is minimal, and Cole fears losing his wife entirely.

• Dr. Delony’s Insight:

  • Identifies the combination of severe sleep disruption, withdrawal from all forms of feeling, and increasing isolation as significant mental health red flags.
  • Calls for a compassionate but direct intervention, possibly involving inpatient care, as incremental approaches have failed.
  • Dr. Delony: “I am watching my husband die.” – Sharing words his own wife used as a wakeup call. [47:42]
  • “Everything on a trend line is getting worse. So what I’m doing is not working. The way I’m hearing you describe it is like you’re holding a handful of sand and your wife is just beginning to slip through your fingers.” [49:04]
  • Urges Cole to voice his concern, enlist allies, and not postpone seeking serious help for his wife’s wellbeing for both her and their children.

---

4. Lighter Closing: Am I the Problem?

[54:39–56:00]

• Sloan’s Dilemma:
  • Terrified by husband’s aggressive driving, exacerbated by past trauma. Wonders if she's "the problem" for not wanting to ride with him.
  • Dr. Delony: “No, you’re not the problem. The solution is: I’m not going to ride in the car with you anymore. I’m choosing to get myself there safely.” [56:00]

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “I’m tired of feeling like a failure in my own house, in my own skin.” – Dr. Delony diagnosing the root issue for Jack [08:32]
• “The championship was over. The champagne runs out. Then she went and started pitching for another team.” – Dr. Delony’s vivid metaphor for lost shared purpose [09:44]
• “All grief is the gap between what we wanted to be true and what actually showed up.” – Dr. Delony on making peace with disappointment [36:51]
• “You’re not crazy. Choose guilt over resentment. Choose safety over fear.” – Dr. Delony empowering a caller to set boundaries [37:34]
• “I miss my wife. I’m watching you slowly exit the life you live in. And we’re gonna go get some help.” – Dr. Delony urging direct, loving intervention [50:56]

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Jack & Julie Segment – Marriage, Identity, and Career: 00:25–21:43
• Julie Reclaiming Family Boundaries (Abuse & Holidays): 24:41–39:21
• Cole’s Call: Wife’s Emotional Withdrawal/Depression: 41:17–53:54
• Sloan “Am I the Problem?” Aggressive Driving: 54:39–56:00

---

Tone & Closing Thoughts

Dr. Delony’s tone throughout is empathetic, direct, occasionally humorous, and always rooted in realism and validation. He affirms callers’ emotional experiences, generously shares his own vulnerabilities, and is quick to reframe self-criticism into actionable insight. The episode encourages honest, sometimes difficult self-reflection and conversation—prioritizing love, safety, and intentionality over guilt or nostalgia for the past.

This makes the episode a must-listen for anyone navigating major relationship transitions, grappling with boundaries after trauma, or trying to make sense of emotional distance in long-term partnerships.

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. Let's talk about your marriage. Right now we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in Marriage Getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at 749 bucks a couple. Get [e-mail] getaway.

[Jack]

Julie and I have for years worked together on our career. We're kind of like Batman and Robin, except that I'm Robin and she's Batman. But lately she's gotten a job. She's a VP of marketing. I'm kind of tired of failing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is there something beneath I'm tired of failing, which is I'm tired of feeling like a failure in my own house. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show, taking your calls from Nashville, Tennessee. I'm in Nashville. You guys are all over the world, amazing men and women who are brave and who just don't have anybody else to talk to, pulling up a seat and saying, hey, what's the next right move in this crazy world that we live in? If you want to be on the show, go to john deloney.com/a S K. I'd love to have you on. Fill out the form, send it to Kelly. And we don't screen him with AI we screen him with humans. Kelly's kind of AI Very, very older edition of AI what do you call it, like the dial up Kelly is dial up AI. Reach out john deloney.com ask and we'll get you on the show. All right. We're going to talk to a couple right now in Salt Lake City, Utah. So first we're going to go to Julie. What's up, Julie?

[Julie]

Hey, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing fantastic. How about you?

[Julie]

I'm doing pretty well. Thanks. Thanks so much for taking our call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. All right, Let me bring up, let me bring on Jack here. All right. Let it rip.

[Jack]

All right. So Julie and I have for years worked together on my or our career. I'm an entrepreneur. I dragged her into this. We're kind of like Batman and Robin, except that I'm Robin and she's Batman. She's turned out to be a rock star at business, marketing, all kinds of stuff. Anyway, we were at a point in our career where I'd like to keep going with our joint effort just because it's been super fulfilling to work together and the things that I'm not good at in business she's awesome at and but lately, like the last few months, she's Gotten a job. She's like a VP of marketing with a company cmo these high ranking titles. She's just a ninja at what she does. So the problem we're running into, we keep having the same. We're kind of going in a circle over and over about. How to work together, sort of, or how to, how to thrive still while not working together. And it just seems to be a bit of an impasse because I kind of. The career that I'm in, it's really too much for just me by myself to handle. There's so much to running a business. You probably already know that. But aside from just making the product, there's so much sales, marketing, taxes, accounting, all the things. Right. That it worked really well when we worked together. But doing it on my own, I'm pretty much floundering. So Julie's in the tough spot of her own career, is doing super well, but she sees me floundering and then feels like she has to help me. Right. And I don't want someone who feels like they have to help me. That's not fun.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you want her to want to help you.

[Jack]

Well, yeah, but if you said bingo said today, fine, fine, I'll help you, I would say, well, I don't want help like that. Right. I mean, who want. Nobody wants that. But anyway, overall, we love working together. She's fantastic. She's. I could not speak highly enough of her in every way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Jack]

But we just keep going in circles and kind of just not getting out of this loop of it's the dance.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, it's just the dance. All right, Julie, Julie, what do you. How do you respond to that? What do you want to add to that?

[Julie]

I would, I would say that's accurate. I'm one, one important piece of this, I think, is that, that as he mentioned, we did build something together and we actually sold it a few years ago, which put us in an interesting situation as do we build something new or do we kind of go our separate ways? And that was the point where we kind of went our separate ways. I wasn't really interested necessarily in building that same type of thing again, but where we're coming up on the issue, so I'll just add to this, is that Jack feels that he maybe can't succeed without my help. And then I feel guilty because of some of those things that he'll say in that regard, like do I owe that to him to help him fulfill his entrepreneurial dreams, his talents? Do I owe that to him? And then one thing that comes up regularly is that we've worked well together, as he said. And he's now said, I don't feel like we're partners anymore. And I feel like we don't have that relationship anymore. He's super service oriented and is always doing things to help me. And he'll say, it seems like if you love me, you would want to help me. You would want to serve me. That would be the nice thing to do, is to help me with this business. And so then I feel guilty, but then I also feel conflicted because I'm having my own success and enjoying that. And so, like you said, it's this dance that we keep, and it seems like it just doesn't get resolved. I know there are layers and ego and issues and all of these things, but for me, it feels like it's getting bigger. And so I just. I wanted, you know, some wisdom and an outside source to be able to tell us where we need to Course. Correct.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So I guess the first thing I want to say out loud is I hear that y' all two love each other.

[Jack]

We do.

[Julie]

She's.

[Jack]

John, she is awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Jack]

I'm not kidding.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so this is good. So she's told you I don't want to do that anymore. And that has. Not that there's something beneath the business in some way, it feels to you like I don't want to do. Like, it feels very personal. Tell me about that.

[Jack]

Well, I'm. I definitely want to succeed as a guy in providing for my family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But. But y' all are providing for your family. She's crushing right now. So is it about. Is it about she makes more money than you? Like, give me that thing. Why are you feeling less than?

[Jack]

Well, I don't mind her making more money than me, and I don't begrudge her success. I'm really actually very happy for. I'm her biggest cheerleader and fan.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Jack]

But over the last, you know, since we sold our company and I, you know, I'm back. I'm ready to do another round of this. She's. I'm kind of tired of failing on my side of this in the career. So I'm in a little bit of a no pause right there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's get right beneath that. T. All entrepreneurs, you know this have a low success rate, and then they win, and then you get back in the batter's box and you strike out. And you strike out and you strike out. Is there something beneath I'm tired of failing, which is I'm tired of feeling like a failure in my own house, in my own skin?

[Jack]

Yes. Yes. But I. The thing that makes that complicated is I could succeed if I had her help.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But, see, I don't think that's true. I think y' all did once. Here's my deeper question. Y' all did a thing together. Y' all built an amazing thing, and then you sold it. How have y' all rebuilt connection, laughter, shared purpose, sex, joy. How have you rebuilt those things? Absent from working on a business together in part two of your marriage.

[Jack]

Well, we bought a French bulldog.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right?

[Jack]

I'm the caretaker. I'm the caretaker.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what I'm wondering. I'm wondering if a. Yes, there's the business stuff. Y'. All. Y' all have been to the top of the mountain. Y' all built something together. But every day y' all woke up and you had a shared purpose together.

[Jack]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Y' all did a thing together. She had. She was the pitcher. You were the first baseman, and y' all won a championship. And it was awesome. Inside your own house, it feels awesome.

[Jack]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Jack]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then the championship was over. The champagne runs out. And then she went and started pitching for another team.

[Jack]

Yeah, she did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you're excited for her. She's crushing it. She's doing good. And you're sitting on the same first base team that you were on last time. You got a. You got nobody on the mound right now. You're trying to pitch, too, and that's not going well. Great. But the question beneath that is, is everybody wants business success. And it's hard when you have a rock star in my house. Undoubtedly. No question. My wife is a better writer than me. No question. And so that we stay married, we don't read each other's. Each other's drafts, period. Because I take all of her critiques very personally. It hurts. I feel like, oh, you think I'm stupid? I'm dumb. I'm not enough yet. And that sends me on a spiral. And she doesn't like. So we just can't. But that means we have to together, create other shared purposes where we can be successful together. And I'm wondering if. Yes, you're missing the business success, but deep down, you're missing your wife.

[Jack]

Well, yes, I think you're right on a lot of that. And the problem now is that her career, she's the pitcher for another team. She's very busy. She's not the kind of. Not the kind of job that ends right. I mean.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You'Re on call 24 7. That's right.

[Jack]

And mine, you know, trying to relaunch a new endeavor. And, you know, round two of this, that's a heavy lift, too. And so we're starting to get to the point where she gets home from work, whatever, and we have dinner, and then I'm going back to work. She's going back to work, and that's her job.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just pause right there. That's the challenge.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is this. This terrifying?

[Jack]

Let's do something together?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, but that's the terrifying, scary question. We're in marriage part two, and this may be your third marriage or your fourth marriage. Right. Everybody builds new ones whether they know they're building them or not. And the question is, do you still see me? Do you still like me? And if you have this feeling, this. This memory of this shared purpose where you felt, I did my thing, you did your thing, and together we created an awesome thing. It can feel real lonely when one of you is winning. One of you is not. It can feel really lonely when you just are constantly remembering, remember how it used to be. And I know how we can get back there today. We can both do a new business together.

[Jack]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so the question beneath that question, I'll ask you, Julius, what does it look like to say, hey, I'm winning in my career. You're struggling to get back off the ground. I see you struggling. I know I could come over and fix it. I don't want that to be part of my life anymore, and that's okay. But the deeper thing is, how do we reprioritize this amazing adventure we set out together on called not starting a business, but being married? And that usually starts with couples sweeping the deck and saying, hi, my name is Julie. Hi, my name is Jack. I like you, and. And of course, I know you all love each other, but I like you. How can I love you today? And let's rebuild our marriage. You'll have a new. You'll have a new system. You'll have a new plan. You'll have a new thing. That means you're gonna have to. Instead of having to meet all day, because if you have a shared business, now you have to decide. We're going to prioritize each other on the calendar and meet together. Instead of just having work dinners where y' all ended up having dates where y' all talked about shared business things, we're going to have to put dates on the calendar and talk about things that each other's working on. You see what I'm saying? There's a Level of intentionality that has to happen because it was all wound up in this shared purpose we had earlier.

[Julie]

So how do we. How do we leave? I love what you're saying. I think this direction is. I think what we need to hear. How do we leave behind the idea that what will fix it is working together? I mean, how do we move past that? Because I feel like that's the conversation that we're having every day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Jack, you answer that.

[Julie]

Does that make sense?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, it totally makes sense. Jack, you answer that question.

[Jack]

Well, it's helpful. I think the most helpful thing would be nine times out of ten, Julie will say, hey, I'm not going back. I'm not helping. I'm moving on. One out of ten times she'll say, hey, I might come back. Hey, maybe do this again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you're telling me there's a chance.

[Jack]

To just shut the door? I'd rather have just shut the door completely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Jack]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But that's a huge responsibility to put on her because 90 of the time she's told you, I love you and I want to be married to you, and I want to figure out how to be your number one priority in the world, but I don't want to do this thing. And then she watches you melt and she watches you mope, and she watches you be sad and feel like I'm failing. And even when I just first met you, you told me about all the things you're deficient in. I don't even know what business you do, but I guarantee you're good at what you do.

[Jack]

I am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And so not all of it, of course, but.

[Julie]

But he's very good at it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I'm terrible at certain stuff. That's why I've got a whole team of people on the other side of the glass here in the studio. And so it's. It's recognizing. Just because I'm not good at these things doesn't mean I'm. I'm less than. But you're putting her. Her in a position. You break up with me instead of hearing the 90% of the time, the 9 out of 10 times she says, I'm really feeling fulfilled in this version of my professional self right now. And you have to ask yourself, okay, what kind of marriage do I want to build with somebody that's just a huge responsibility to tell somebody else to break up with you? She already. I. I guess she already has nine times out of 10. And the question I'll had, I would have for you if we were just meeting one on one is, why do you equate her wanting to go be successful in a new job as somehow, I don't like being with you? Or even deeper now, you're not likable. When's the last time, Julie, you looked at your husband and said, I see how hard you're grinding at this, and I'm proud of how hard you're working?

[Julie]

Well, if I'm not answering that probably means way too long.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or even say, maybe.

[Julie]

You can answer that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My guess is probably never.

[Julie]

Yeah.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Julie]

Or maybe never.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When's the last time, Jack, you felt her getting up and going to work? And that entrepreneurial, that bl. I. I call it the proverbial blinking cursor. Right. Somebody you love is off making a paycheck, and you're just staring at the cursor saying, create, create, create, create as an entrepreneur, and you just feel abandoned. And you put your fist in your chest, Jack, and said, I'm so grateful to have a wife that's out there crushing it. I know she loves me and my feelings are mine right now. I feel less than right now. Or even deeper. When's the last time, Jack, you said, julie, thank you for stepping out of this. This dance and going to make a whole bunch of money and be really successful. I'm grateful for you.

[Jack]

I hope we say. I hope we say things like that. Maybe not quite those words, but I. Julie knows how proud I am of her. I tell her recently, say it very often.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Jack]

Okay. Daily. I'm very. She's. Hey, I think a lot. I think, really, if you go deep, I. I know she's not very proud of me as a provider.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't. I think that's a story you're telling.

[Jack]

Yourself, that she's made that clear.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Jack]

That she was very disappointed and basically got to a point where she said, you're not cutting it. I'm. I'm gonna have to take. You know, I'm gonna take care of myself. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And, Julie, if you said. If you said those things, there's. There's two sides this. If you said those things, y' all need to sit down off air and have that conversation. The other side of that is. Is, as the great Bernee Brown once said, what you go looking for in the word world, you're sure to find. And in those seasons when I think I'm a failure, when I'm not cutting it, I interpret every glance of my wife as criticism. I interpret every hour she's off trying to make some money as a failure because that's what I feel in my chest. And so I go looking for it to prove that story out. And so, Julie, if you've told him, I'm not proud of you, you're failing. I've got to go keep this family afloat. Then y' all need to have that conversation. And, Jack, it's you being able to exhale and say, okay, it's not going to happen this second time. And now I've got a hobby.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And now it's time for me to grieve this thing that I wanted to make happen again. It's not going to happen again. And by the way, you told yourself a story that if she would just quit and join you, it would happen again. And as an entrepreneur, we all have to know that's not true.

[Jack]

Well, she's that good, actually, that I would say. Would I?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. I'm just. I'm just. Dude, I work with behind closed doors with really famous people who were famouser yesterday.

[Jack]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

With really successful people who were really, really successful last month. It's a drag and it's a ghost that you chase. But what I'm hearing is from the both of you is two things. One, y' all need to sit down and have the conversation, like, put some finality to it. I love this career, and I feel. I feel like I got. Somebody's got to support the family. And, Julie, if you're disappointed in Jack and his inability to provide for y', all, you've got to put that on the table. And that clear words. Not in a mean way, but in a kind, honest way. I. Using I words. I don't feel safe in this house because I don't. We don't have enough money. Or I'm watching the man I love dig himself a deeper and deeper hole. And I miss you. And Jack, you have to be able to exhale and say, the woman I love and dedicated my life to has said she doesn't want to build another business. Not with me, but she just doesn't want to build another business. And so I need to uncouple my. My view of myself as a really talented, successful. Whatever it is you're doing to. I'm a failure of a. And loser of a husband now. I'm a dog dad. And then you'll have to sit down at the table and say, I miss you. I'm not going to leave. Will you build a new thing with me? And that looks like coffee in the mornings. That looks like acts of service. Hang on the line. I'll hook you up with my Together app and y' all can start working that together. Just one daily step a day to bring you back together.

[Julie]

That's awesome.

[Jack]

Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So we didn't solve anything today, Julian, Jack, but we hopefully cleared the deck a little bit so y' all can be honest with each other. Sit across the table and say, I still like you. Or maybe I don't. Maybe I don't like you. I'm going to have to have that conversation. But from here, y' all can create and build anything. Y' all are entrepreneurs. Go make it happen. When we come back, we talk to a woman who is fighting to protect her sister in law while everyone in her family is looking the other way. I want to invite you to something really cool happening this month. Hallow, which is the prayer app that I use every day, is teaming up with the Bible app and other Christian organizations all over the world for Global Bible Month. Heading into the holidays, there's no better time to slow down, reconnect with your spiritual life, and bring prayer back into your daily routine. During Global Bible Month, Hallow will offer a 30 day Bible story Challenge. These are some of the most popular stories in the Bible, read by incredible voices that you already know and love like Lauren Dagle, Jonathan Rumi, and more. And while you're using Hallow, check out their thousands of prayers and meditations as well as their sleep series that can fill your mind with positive thoughts and stories as you drift off to sleep. Join me and millions of others around the world for Global Bible Month on Hallow. We can dive into scripture together. Join Hallow right now and you get three months for free. Go to hallow.com DeLoney that's Hallow. H A L L O W.com DeLoney all right, I've been telling everybody about Cozy Earth's bamboo sheets and pajamas for a long time now. They give you that kind of comfort that makes coming home from a chaotic workplace or a wild nutty world a reason to relax and even celebrate. And now that the weather is cooler, I want to tell you about Cozy Earth's soft wash cotton sheets. I love sleeping on cotton sheets in the fall and the winter. These amazing cotton sheets give you that perfect broken in feel that your favorite shirt gets after years of wear. So they're so great. Cozy Earth's new cotton sheets feel like this right out of the package. They're breathable, cozy and they make you feel at home like you've been sleeping on them for years. But in the best kind of way. As always. Cozy Earth's new soft wash cotton sheets come with a 100 night sleep trial. You can try them out. If you don't love them, you can return them hassle free. But I'm telling you, you're not going to want to right now. Black Friday has come early at Cozy earth. Go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code Deloney on top of sitewide sale and it's going to give you up to 40% off in savings. These deals will not last. So start your holiday shopping early. That's cozyearth.com DeLoney use code DeLoney. All right, let's go out to Cheyenne, Wyoming and talk to Lauren. What's up, Lauren?

[Julie]

Hi, thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. Thanks for calling. What's up?

[Julie]

Yeah, so I'll be brief. My. I have abuse in my past, domestic violence in my past. So I left a few abusive relationships. But the point is, is that I'm intimately familiar with the process. I've since educated myself. I've gone through ptsd, you know, therapy. I've done, I've done the whole gambit. So fast forward. I'm married to a wonderful man and his brother, yeah, he's great. His brother was atrociously violent with his wife, my sister in law and they have two children. So it. And I, well, I knew it when I met him. You know, victims know. I feel like you, you can feel it. So I told him when I met him, don't leave me alone with this man. There's something wrong. I bet you he hurts her and then fast forward it comes out. He was arrested for strangulation, assault with a deadly weapon for her and so much more because. And you and I both know victims won't really tell you the whole truth.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, hold on. Sit with me for a second. You're taking off on a, on a train track on me. Sit with me.

[Julie]

Sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. No, you're okay. Don't ever apologize. I just want you to stay with me now. Listen to me now, okay? You've been unsafe in the past and you're okay right now, okay?

[Julie]

Yes, I am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're with me. You can exhale, drop your shoulders. I can hear them all the way up around your ears.

[Julie]

Yeah, I'm shaking. I'm sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, you're good. You're good, you're good. I'm proud of you for having the courage to tell your story, what happened. And I can feel the advocacy coming out, which is awesome. I love fierce advocates. I Love them.

[Julie]

Okay, do you want me to continue? I'm sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, go for it. No, don't ever stop. No apologizing, no apologize.

[Julie]

Well, so, yeah, fast forward. I, you know, and she would call me because I say, I, you know, I said, look, I can tell something's wrong. If you ever need me, please call me. And so, you know, she would share with me. You know, he'd hide keys. He would lock her in rooms. Like things that. Really bad things. And you know, there's worse going on. And after a while, I told her, like, okay, I can't hear this. It's taking me to a bad place now. Call me when you're done. So she called me last year, we put together a safety plan. She left, got a protection order, and he moved in with my in laws.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, God.

[Julie]

And, yes. And so. And the in laws called me and said, I know you've been through this. What do we do? And I said, we have to be in her corner right now, and he needs to face consequences.

[Jack]

Right?

[Julie]

This is what we have to do. My husband's in law enforcement and he's seen this too. So we were both on the same page. We opened our home to her and the kids and the siblings rallied behind her. There's a lot of siblings in this household. And we had Christmas at our house without the in laws and him because no one wanted to be around him.

[Jack]

So.

[Julie]

Fast forward.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on. So her. Her mom and dad chose him?

[Julie]

No, his parents. She doesn't have anyone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Julie]

Unfortunately. So we rallied around her, but they chose to have Christmas with him without their grandkids, without anybody else. And this man is not good. It has since come out that there was sexual abuse perpetrated by him in the household.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's stop talking about him. He's a terrible. He's a terrible sick person.

[Julie]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Julie]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But your body's need to protect you keeps him front and center, which means, in a strange way, he's running your life.

[Julie]

Oh, I wanna. I want to do things to this man.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know you do. I know you do, but listen. But that puts him two inches from your eyesight at times. And in a weird way, that gives him a strange power over your life. Let's set that guy down.

[Julie]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That doesn't mean we don't pursue justice. That doesn't mean that we don't, like, take care of. But he is not going to run my life.

[Jack]

Okay?

[Julie]

I will keep. I will.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Every time you feel yourself heading off towards. If I Just had five minutes with him. Whatever. We in the nerd world, we call that rumination. But you're. You are having imaginary conversations. You're having imaginary fist fights with him. You're having these, but your body doesn't know the difference. And it has a script for fight orf flight because you've been through this hell before.

[Julie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there's. There's times when abuse victims, like, I'll tell them. When you feel that imaginary conversation pop up, literally say out loud, no, not having this conversation. Because he's not there. He's not there. Right?

[Julie]

Bye, Felicia.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, like not having. And then here's the, here's the magic. Because that sounds trite and easy. You have to refill that gap, that space that you just cut off with a positive interaction with your. About your husband, about your sister in law, about somebody else. That's where most people don't get it. Right? They just say like, no. And then he's like, oh, yeah. And there's nothing to backfill it.

[Julie]

All right, that's helpful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thank you. And so you starting that imaginary conversation again. Here we go. And usually it's weird. Either people are in the shower or.

[Jack]

They'Re driving for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's like, I'm gonna. I. I'm just in. Your body's like, oh, game on again. It flips the switch and you are flooded with action chemicals. Let's go. But that's when your husband gets in the car and says, hey, good afternoon. And you're like, what? Right? Or your kid's like, hey, mom. And you're like, don't hate me. Right? And suddenly other people that you love and care about walk into a buzzsaw. You see what I'm saying?

[Julie]

I do, I do, I do. And I'm always on my toes like that. And I went to therapy too, because I was. If I saw him, I was going to throw down. But. But that isn't even my question. So we recently got together as a family, and I could not handle these people acting like everything was fine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop. Yeah, then don't.

[Julie]

What do you mean?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your whole life has been you thrown in the trunk of somebody else's car, driving the direction they wanted to go. And I want you to sit firmly in the front seat of your own life if other people are gonna be morons.

[Julie]

That's what my husband says. He knows how to do this. I don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But. But I'm just telling you it sounds so overly complicated. This is not a problem. You're going to solve with facts. This isn't a problem you're going to solve with anger or rage. They have picked their team. The only person you can control here is you. And what that means is I am not going to let people who protect violent criminals who hurt women. They don't get a vote in my day. I'm going to call the police and I'm going to go on about my life.

[Julie]

Well, we. We. We. If. If it was within the jurisdiction here, we would call the police. If that's not a problem, then if.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can, you can't. Right, but.

[Julie]

Right, right. They're in. They're in a different city. And so when we get together, I just don't understand how you won't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because it's madness.

[Julie]

Well, then how do you interact with these people?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You don't.

[Julie]

I don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They have.

[Julie]

Can I just check out? Because I don't know.

[Jack]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No.

[Julie]

I don't know how this works.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They have opted out of your life. They opted out. And that. And then what?

[Julie]

You.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What. What? You. The step you're skipping here is grief. I'm so sad. You won't never find a rational answer to an irrational act, ever. And it's that old proverb. I've said it 20 times on the show. I finally sat down with my anger, and she took off her mask and revealed herself as grief. I am sad that I have this picture of my family. I have been a good person. I've endured hell. I married well. And yet somebody else, some other violent, evil person, ends up in my family and disrupts this picture that I've worked so hard to preserve. That should make me heartbroken and sad.

[Julie]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you haven't wept for the picture, that should be families taking care of each other, criminals in jail. You need to spend some time in grief and grief. And by the way, grief for an abuse survivor is terrifying because grief is submission. It's humility. It's saying, I can't carry this any longer. And for an abuse survivor, that feels like weakness and exposure.

[Julie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It feels like powerlessness.

[Julie]

Okay.

[Jack]

Dang it.

[Julie]

I didn't think I'd cry. All right. You know, with the holidays coming up, is this just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's. Yes.

[Julie]

We're not having holidays over there. We're doing it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can do whatever you want. I'm not going to. Yes.

[Julie]

I don't. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so here's the order. Number one, I'm going to reclaim my autonomy, my strength. I don't love the word power, but I'll give that to you. Here. You've been through enough. I'm going to reclaim my seat in the front seat of the car that is my life. And since I'm married, I'm co. I. Sometimes I drive, sometimes he drives, but I'm in the front seat. I'm not in the trunk of my own life anymore. I've had old husbands put me in there. I've had my parents put me in there when I was a kid. I've had abusers put me in there. I will not get in the trunk again. Okay? And then the second step is, hey, honey, I'm gonna be sad as all bloody hell that we can't have a regular old goofy, dumb, complainy, bad ham, cheap wine, get together, holiday. And the third thing is empowerment. The dot, dot, dot. So here's what I'm gonna do. It's the action part. So I'm gonna have the most badass Christmas at my house, and people are welcome. And we are gonna dance and laugh and y' all gonna play my stupid games because it's my freaking house.

[Julie]

I don't want to hurt my husband in all this.

[Jack]

I mean, here's the deal.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's the deal. You can't control that either. He has a right to be super super. But you can't make him feel any kind of way. And I'll tell you this. And I would tell him if he was on his phone, on the phone, if he demands or whatever even suggests that his wife, who is a domestic violence, multiple time domestic violence survivor, heads into the home of someone who gives refuge to that kind of evil. Right.

[Julie]

I feel like you just articulated what I wanted to say this whole time.

[Jack]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it's.

[Julie]

You tell my husband.

[Jack]

Would not.

[Julie]

He's so good. He's like, well, we're dealing with idiots and we can't control them. And he has this uncanny ability to just turn off his emotions.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, he's a cop.

[Julie]

He doesn't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, he doesn't. He's a cop. He doesn't turn him off. He shoves them way down. He shoves.

[Julie]

Okay, fair enough.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's true. Yeah.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But here's the thing. Y' all aren't crazy. The part y' all are missing is. Is grief.

[Julie]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's the. All grief is. Is the gap between what we wanted to be true and what actually showed up.

[Julie]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so even if you have to sit down, there's no William Glasser exercise. Sit down with your husband and draw a car and draw y' all two in the front seat, literally look at it like children and say, we get to decide where this thing goes. What do we want our house to feel like during the holidays?

[Julie]

Is it wrong of me to. Don't want to see or talk with them at all?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No.

[Julie]

Is that too far?

[Jack]

Nope.

[Julie]

I feel so guilty about it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Choose guilt over resentment. Choose safety over fear.

[Julie]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Can I tell you, I'm really honored by your call?

[Julie]

Well, I appreciate your help. I just look for resources. And how do you deal with families who do this? And I'm fighting nothing. And my therapist helped me control me. Right. So I won't punch him if I see him, which is great because I did do karate as part of my healing, so I would hurt him, but, you know, no one had a really good way to deal with this. And I just sat in a corner the last time and felt very numb and angry. And that's. It's just not how to deal with things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I want. I want you to use. But here's the thing. Let me honor you for a second. You. You tried exposure therapy on your own. For lack of better terms, you tried, and your body said no, rightfully so. And so here's how we go forward. You don't attack your husband. He sounds like he's an awesome guy.

[Julie]

He's great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You say the words this year. I'm choosing safety for the holidays. I'm choosing laughter. I'm choosing silly. And y' all come up with three or four words, and she'll shake hands on that and then say, so that means we're not going. We're not going to the in laws house. That means we're not gonna fill in the blank. And with those decisions comes grief. With those decisions come sadness. With those boundaries comes reality and heartbreak that nobody should ride in the trunk of their own car anymore. Back to the front seat. Proud of you, my sister. I'm proud of you. Thank you so, so much for the call.

[Jack]

We'll be right back.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. We all get that feeling like something's off in the world. Actually, there's tons of things feeling off in the world. But right now, I've got this constant hum of anxiety, and a lot of that starts with these ph. I feel like they're listening to us. They monitor every move we make. And when I pull out my laptop, every single keystroke I make is being tracked. We're living in a time when personal information like your name, address, phone number, even your family's information is being bought and sold behind our Back without our consent. It's not just a privacy issue when your personal data is scattered across the Internet. We're all carrying this low level stress and we might not even be able to put our finger on it. This is why I use Delete me. Delete Me as a service that hunts down your personal information that's being held on all these shady data broker websites and it makes sure that it's all removed. It's like digital boundary setting. When you take back control of your information, you don't just feel safer, you are safer, and that helps you feel calmer. And look, it's not about hiding from the world. It's just about choosing what parts of your life are for public knowledge and what's for your private knowledge. If you want less chaos and more control, this is a simple place to start. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 20% off an annual plan. That's JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney to save 20% off. Go check them out. All right, we're back. Hey. Take two seconds and hit the subscribe button or two seconds and hit the follow. But I don't know how, what the overlords want you to do, and whatever platform you're watching or listening, getting to the show on, but just take a second and hit the subscribe button on YouTube, wherever you are. It makes a huge difference and I'm super, super grateful for you. Let's go out to Winnipeg, Manitoba, talk to Cole. What's up, Cole?

[Jack]

Hi, Dr. John. How you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great, brother. How are you doing?

[Jack]

I'm elbow deep in drywall mud, dude.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's it like being, like, a real guy? That sounds awesome. You can actually do stuff.

[Jack]

You can shower at the end of the day and not the beginning.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, well played, man. You know what? All. Even the baddest dudes I know at construction stuff, they always are like, no, I'm gonna call somebody to. To do drywall. It's so hard. It's so hard. I tried it once, man, and it looked. It was awful. It was awful. All right. So good on you, man. So what's up? How can I help?

[Jack]

I have been so blessed in. In this. This whole life. Just over and over and over and over over the years. I'm in my 40s now. I'm just, like, blessed and blessed and blessed and blessed, but I feel like I'm losing my wife.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man. Tell me about that.

[Jack]

And just. I mean, the, the, the. The prompt that I I wrote in to the show was about how she is exhausted at the end of the day. We put our kids to bed at like 7:30 and she falls asleep almost immediately.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are your kids?

[Jack]

She's sleeping, they are in elementary school, just almost seven and nine and she falls asleep. She's a teacher and she's rightfully tired, but she spends the whole Evening sleeping from 8:00 o' clock to 11:30 when I go to bed and then she gets out of bed when I go to bed and then I sleep the night and she's up and then on the crazy days she'll go back to bed when I wake up. And it's this weird, this weird dynamic where we're just like trading off in the bed. And obviously she does go to bed Sometimes it's 3, 4, 5 in the morning and I'll wake up next to her. But I know she's so sleep deprived. I mean I don't wake her up right? Get out of bed like a ninja.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But she still has to get up and go be a teacher, right?

[Jack]

Yes. I don't know how she does it, honestly, but I just feel like I'm losing her. I mean the other element of the whole thing is that, is that she does not want to be touched. Hugs and intimacy and anything to do with physical contact is just out of the picture. Like it just does not happen.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And where's the origin of that? Has it always been that way or is that new?

[Jack]

I, well, since, since our, our 7 year old was born was when I really noticed it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Jack]

Where it was like, just don't touch me, don't touch me. And I, I thought it was a phase and maybe it was, but it's a long phase.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I mean you're on seven years. Like I, I, I, I refuse, I refuse. It's, it would not only be unethical and all that, but it, it's, it's very hard to do this, I would suggest. So I'm not going to make any diagnostics on this show, but I would suggest that your wife is struggling pretty deeply and she needs to see somebody.

[Jack]

Asap and, and she is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Jack]

If it's been a long time and it doesn't seem to be changing anything. It doesn't seem to be, she's not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Meeting with somebody because some, anybody worth their salt would ask the questions as part of an intake. Tell me about your sleeping. And she has a dysregulated sleep pattern that is very, very unhealthy that makes it impossible to have any Sort of cognitive clarity.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's these little bursts of crashing wide eyed. Crashing wide eyed right on top of a newly emergent. Like, don't touch me. Like. Like there's some. There's some big alarm bells going off in my mind that she's. She's really not well.

[Jack]

Yeah. And you combine that with stress.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course.

[Jack]

Like there's so many things that stress her out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course.

[Jack]

Crowds and clutter and yes, finances and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But all of those things, all those alarm bells have a central. A central source. When's the last time you all went on a date and just looked at each other and said hi?

[Jack]

Been a few weeks in the summer we had a couple.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That wasn't a few weeks. That was like months.

[Jack]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and dates are not intimate. It feels like I'm going out with my sister. They are not like, have you put.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you put that on the table?

[Jack]

What would that look like? Because I've heard your question. A big fan of the show, by the way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thank you.

[Jack]

I've heard your question of spouses. Encouraging spouses to ask, what do you want your house to feel like. Right. Which is a similar question. She hates that question. She. I have tried it. She does not want to answer that question. She, like, she. It's almost like she doesn't want her house to feel like anything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's it. She is avoiding feeling at all costs. That's why I'm worried about her.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's a. It's a ever increasing, numbing out and touch makes you feel. Sleep makes you feel laughter, dancing, joy, exercise. All those things make you feel. And that's why there's a symptom cluster that when people start taking those away and life becomes a like, out of like the old fight club, it becomes a copy of a copy of a copy. It's like you're living your life through like an opaque transparency.

[Jack]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You sleepwalk through everything.

[Jack]

Yeah. And it's hard for me to understand that you can't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But what you can say is, yeah, I'm. What? I'll tell you the exact words my wife used for me, brother. I am watching my husband die, period. That's what my wife said to me. And she was right.

[Jack]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And your language may be a little bit different, but it's that direct. I haven't held hands. I haven't hugged. I haven't slept with my wife in seven years. I miss you. I'm watching you not sleep. And I'm watching you melt underneath me. And as somebody who loves you and who's created humans together. I can't stand by idol any longer. And here's. Here's my challenge to you.

[Jack]

The next step.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The next step is I'm gonna go with you to a 30 day impatient and drop you off. You're not. Okay. And if you've listened to my show for a while, you know, I don't normally go here. That's where she's at right now. I can't. We can't afford it. I'm not going to do it. Yada yada. We have to go do something pretty. Pretty. Pretty significant. I love you too much. Does she have anyone in her life that she'll listen to?

[Jack]

Probably. Yeah. Yeah. We have a. We have a small group that's. That's pretty awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is there two or three women in that group that she would listen to or she. Will she blow them off?

[Jack]

Yeah. No, she would listen to them. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And maybe that's the conversation. But I guess. I guess if we back out all the way out in the driveway and just look at the house here, you have to exhale and say what I've been trying to do. My tiptoeing, my picking up all the slack, my trying to be accommodating. Everything on a trend line is getting worse and worse and worse. So what I'm doing is not working. The way I'm hearing you describe it is like you're holding a handful of sand and your wife is just beginning to slip through your fingers.

[Jack]

Yeah. I mean, that's maybe a traumatic way of putting it, but. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. She needs some pretty direct love and care, man. And I recognize this is a. It's a complex intervention.

[Jack]

It's extremely complex because there's. There's never like an acute crisis moment.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No.

[Jack]

Right.

[Julie]

It's just.

[Jack]

It's a slow, slow bleed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. Yeah.

[Jack]

Whereas if something were to happen, we could. We could deal with it and it would be like a. A moment of. Of clarity or whatever. But. But as it is, it's just like. It's just. We've gotten here. How have we gotten here? However it's happened, and here's the thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right now that doesn't matter. What matters is you're in the car and it's driving down the road and you see it heading towards the cliff and waiting till it goes off the cliff is too long. But the way the. The things you're describing to. To me is a person who is slowly shutting all the lights off in their life, And I'm going to be willing to risk Anger, I'm going to be willing to risk frustration. I'm going to willing to be. To risk threats to say I love you enough to say I see you hurting. I know you. I know how bad things are getting increasingly not okay. Like you said, a slow drip. I miss my wife. I'm watching you slowly exit the life you live in. And we're gonna go get some help. And I'll be right by your side. But we're gonna go get some help. And maybe you have that conversation with two trusted girlfriends of hers who will show up. Maybe it's just you. I mean, you know the context better. And I don't know what your financial situation is. I don't know what your insurance is. I don't need that kind of stuff. But reaching out and saying I'm worried. And maybe it's even as minimal as calling her current counselor and saying here's what I'm seeing and the counselor can't talk to you about her, you know, his or her client. But they can take one way calls. You can call their therapist and say I'm watching my wife disappear in front of me and I'm about to take an intervention step next time. I just need you to know that. And maybe that will dial up the concern of the therapist, but maybe not. If it's been going on for years and they haven't even asked about your sleep and behavioral regulation and stuff like that, then I don't even know how good the counselor is. But I don't want to judge that. I'm not in that room. But all I have to say is I think this is one of those moments I'm gonna turn on every light I got. I'm going to reach out and ask some people for help. I got two little kids watching this slow, this slow suffocation happen. And I'm gonna say I miss my wife. And you're. You're here just for this moment, man. I'm grateful for your call, my brother. Hang on the line, I'm gonna send you a copy of Building an Unanxious Life. And that can be a road map for you and your wife, but she needs professional help and care right now. But the anxiety about the, about health and about money and about all those things, I address those in the book. So hang on a line, I'll send you, send you a copy there, brother. Thanks for calling, man. We'll be right back. I'm beyond thrilled to announce that Montana Knife Company has now joined my team. For years I have used one company for Every knife I need Montana Knife Company. These knives are designed, tested, and built by real hunters and real cooks. My family and I use these knives in the deepest parts of the woods in Back River Creeks, in and in our kitchen. When you first pick up a Montana Knife Company knife, you can feel their perfection and their quality. They're the sharpest knives you will ever use right out of the box. They're the easiest knives to sharpen, and they're the toughest knives out there. My grandkids and my great grandkids will fight over who gets these knives long after I'm gone. They make incredible holiday gifts, and they always, always sell out before December. Montana Knife Co. Does limited runs, and so you got to get them while you can. Give the outdoorsman and the cook in your life knives they'll actually use and pass down someday. Go to montanaknifecompany.com to see what's available. Right now, that's montanaknifecompaly.com all right, Kelly, am I the problem?

[Caller Sloan]

All right, this is from Sloan in Newport, Rhode Island.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I like the name Sloan.

[Caller Sloan]

I do, too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's a great name. Like, cool girls have that name.

[Caller Sloan]

Yeah, the girl that was in Ferris Wheeler's day off, it was Sloan. That's the only Sloan I've ever known. And I always just thought that was such a cool name.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I just remember being a young high school kid and knowing there was some older, like, older women, like seniors and juniors and a couple girls named Sloan, and they're all just like. They're just cool.

[Caller Sloan]

Yes, it is a great name. All right, so Sloan writes. Hi, John and crew. I'm looking for thoughts on who is the problem in this situation. She didn't use that word, but that's one we're going to use for this show. My husband is an aggressive driver, but insists that he's not because he has a quote, unquote, perfect record. No accidents. The thing is, I don't care. I feel very frightened when I'm with him in the car, and he knows this. While he has adjusted his speed and aggression over time, it is still what I consider scary and unsafe. Most times when he's driving, I tell myself that I'm never going to do this again, but I do, and I voice my concerns every time. To give you a clear picture, I'd say on the highway, his average speed is at least 90 and will speed up to 100 to pass people. And it terrifies me. I know. I witnessed. He knows that I witnessed a horrible accident. When I was 11, and I've been fearful ever since. Am I the problem?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is this?

[Jack]

My wife.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My wife set me up.

[Caller Sloan]

This could be your wife, Dave's wife, James's wife.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller Sloan]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, no, you're not the problem. But the solution is I'm not going to write in the car with you anymore. I'm choosing to get myself there safely. You feel free to drive and I'll meet you there. And when my wife started doing that with a smile on her face, I realized, I'm making my wife feel not safe. And I stopped. It wasn't like, oh, shut up. I can do. It wasn't that I'm terrorizing somebody. So I'm not gonna ride with you anymore. I'll drive and I'll get. I'll get myself there. If you want to ride with me, cool. But I'll. I'll be there and I'll meet you there. It's that simple. But no, you're not crazy for not wanting to be, A, feeling unsafe all the time, B, having your partner just blow off your safety concerns and see driving unsafe safely down the highway. So, yeah, you're right. Good call. But by the way, the next step is going to be a battle. Just know that's coming. Just know it's coming. Thanks for the call. Bye.