My Wife’s Stand-Up Dream Is Hurting Our Bank Account

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: My Wife’s Stand-Up Dream Is Hurting Our Bank Account
Date: December 19, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony
Podcast Network: Ramsey Network

---

EPISODE OVERVIEW

This episode of "The Dr. John Delony Show" centers on practical, heartfelt advice for real-life marriage, parenting, and mental health challenges. Dr. John takes calls from listeners dealing with topics like supporting a spouse’s unstable artistic dream, navigating financial pressures, building friendships for isolated stay-at-home parents, and coping with lingering postpartum depression. Throughout, the conversation is honest and compassionate, focusing on communication, boundaries, emotional honesty, and concrete next steps.

---

1. Supporting a Spouse’s Dream vs. Managing Financial Stress

Caller: "Dave" from Nashville
Starts: [00:05]
Key Segment: [00:05] – [16:48]

Discussion Points

• The Dilemma:
  Dave’s wife left her preschool teaching job due to recurring illness (exacerbated by classroom germs) and is now pursuing a budding career in stand-up comedy. Dave supports her—but is anxious about unpredictable finances, feeling pressure as he picks up extra side hustles. /// /// “How can I tell my wife I’m struggling with financial pressures without discouraging her dream career?” (Dave, [00:05])

• Their Approach:
  Dave and his wife have discussed their path thoughtfully, budgeted for risks, and set check-in points, but recent setbacks (car theft, unexpected expenses) exceeded their buffer.

• Guilt and Resentment:
  Dave notices his honest expressions of stress make his wife feel guilty for “not contributing enough,” even though he reassures her daily of her value in their partnership.

Key Insights & Dr. John’s Advice

• Three Core Issues Identified:
  1. The Math Problem – Ensuring basic expenses are covered.
  2. Emotional Reality – Each spouse expressing feelings without “fixing” or rescuing the other.
  3. Setting an End Date – Couples fare better with hardship when there’s a review date or limits (e.g., “We’ll reevaluate comedy as a career path in March.”).

“I need to be able to say the thing that I’m feeling, and not take full responsibility for the other person’s response to that.”
(Dr. John, [08:10])

• Conflict-Connection Principle:

  “Conflict is connection—it’s actually a good thing.”
  (Dr. John, [10:51])

• Permission to Feel: Both partners need “permission” to feel sick, frustrated, or guilty without spiraling—or trying to “rescue” each other.

• Benchmarks Matter: Periodic check-ins are vital, not just for financials but to see if the art/career itself is still bringing joy or if it’s become a burden.

“People can go through any kind of hardship if there’s an end date to it... Is the train slowly moving out of the station?”
(Dr. John, [11:59]; [13:36])

• Practical Communication Script: Dr. John gives Dave specific language to use when checking in with his wife, focusing on mutual vulnerability rather than blame or shame.

“I want to have permission… after working my third shift… to be frustrated some days. And I don’t want you to take that into a shame spiral…”
(Dr. John, [15:33])

Notable Moments

• Dr. John shares his own transition to a risky, commission-based career ([04:37]), underscoring that these tensions are universal.
• Candid, relatable description of the “figure eight dance” of marital conflict and reconciliation ([11:42]).
• Heartfelt encouragement for supporting each other’s dreams, mixed with realism about the cost.

---

2. Helping a Stressed Stay-at-Home Mom Build Friendships

Caller: From Salt Lake City
Starts: [19:39]
Key Segment: [19:39] – [29:03]

Discussion Points

• Caller’s Challenge:
  His wife, a stay-at-home mom to three young kids, feels isolated, with minimal social contact outside family (they live in his sister-in-law’s basement).

• Living Situation Tension:
  Dr. John highlights how living with extended family can keep people stuck in old roles and create underlying tension, even where relationships seem “good.”

“It’s like being on a farm and walking one inch from an electric fence all the time... That is stressful.”
(Dr. John, [23:58])

• The Real Cost of Saving Money:
  Economic benefit of sharing space might be outweighed by the mental/emotional toll.

Supportive Strategies

• Framing Socialization as a Gift:
  Instead of telling a spouse “you need more friends,” frame it as “it would be a gift to me if you found ways to connect or have girl time,” so it’s not a lecture or critique ([25:08]).

• Lead by Example:
  The caller’s lack of male friends may also contribute—he should form his own circles, modeling social connection for his wife.

“Behavior is a language. We need friends. I’m going first.”
(Dr. John, [28:29])

• Gradual Move to Independence:
  Dr. John suggests looking at the economics of getting their own place, even if it’s small. “You can begin coming up with the rhythms of your own home.” ([28:30])

Memorable Quote

“For a new mom and a new wife, that is exhausting to walk that close to an electric fence, especially when you get shocked every once in a while.”
(Dr. John, [29:00])

---

3. Coping with Postpartum Depression and the Power of Journaling

Caller: Katie from Salt Lake City
Starts: [31:27]
Key Segment: [31:27] – [49:11]

Discussion Points

• Katie’s Struggle:
  14 months postpartum, in a difficult mental health season—especially due to her daughter’s delayed speech and ongoing sleeplessness. She’s tried to journal but faces resistance and self-judgment.

• Partner Dynamics:
  Her husband is present and supportive with the children, but asks, “What do I do?” when Katie says she is struggling. Both feel stuck; Katie has a long-held sense of being a burden.

Dr. John’s Advice

• Shift from Fixing to Presence:

“The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother really well.”
(Dr. John, [34:50])

Don’t approach a struggling spouse as ‘broken’—instead, be with them, offering calm presence.

• Coping vs. Healing: Katie has “coped” her whole life but may never have truly addressed (“walked through”) her mental health challenges.

“You’ve never looked at what’s on fire in the house... You’ve learned some good meditative techniques to tune it out... but you’ve never looked at what’s on fire.”
(Dr. John, [39:18])

• Worthiness and Self-Compassion: Katie struggles with the feeling she’s a burden, but Dr. John insists, “You’re not broken. Your body’s probably working pretty dang good.” ([39:57])

• Practical Journaling Advice: Journaling as a “skill” that requires practice. Dr. John offers to enroll her in a guided journaling program (Holy Work by Luke Lever), which uses “free write” and prompts.

“Curiosity over judgment.”
(Dr. John, [46:29])

• Normalize Difficult Feelings: It’s okay to have days where you don’t want to look at your kids, or think about running away—doesn’t make you a bad mom, just human ([47:24]).

Memorable Quotes

“There are days you want to get in your car and drive from Salt Lake City to the Panhandle of Florida and change your name and disappear. And that doesn’t make you a bad mom. That makes you human.”
(Dr. John, [47:24])

“You’re worth all that stuff… You’re worth writing your hard thoughts out. You’re worth going to see a doctor. You’re worth telling your husband, I just want you to hold me for 30 minutes.”
(Dr. John, [48:09])

Concrete Action Steps

• Seek professional help (especially if PPD is severe and long-lasting)
• Journal honestly, writing even the thoughts you’re ashamed of—focus on curiosity, not self-judgment
• Prioritize small, regular social connections, even if schedules resist
• Communicate direct needs for emotional presence, not advice

---

4. Reconnecting with Estranged Parents

Listener Letter: Kealia from Chicago
Starts: [51:09]
Key Segment: [51:09] – [52:58]

Story

• Kealia writes about her long-fractured relationship with her father, noting she finally set boundaries and, after initial difficulty, has now reconnected on improved—if still complicated—terms.

“I finally had the opportunity to let my dad know how I feel and put some boundaries in place... We forgave each other for various things. Since then, he has been more forthcoming and honest with me.”
(Listener letter, [51:28])

• Dr. John reinforces the value of “wading through tension” and that sometimes conflict can lead to connection, even if outcomes aren’t perfect.

---

NOTABLE QUOTES & MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• “Connection is found in conflict, and that's a great thing for all married people.”
  (Dr. John, [16:38])

• “Both are true: It’s messy right now, and I’m still all in.”
  (Dr. John, [09:30])

• “You're worth going to see a doctor. You're worth telling your husband, I just want you to hold me for 30 minutes.”
  (Dr. John, [48:09])

---

TIMESTAMPS OF IMPORTANT SEGMENTS

• [00:05] – Dave’s question: Supporting wife’s stand-up career vs. financial stress
• [08:10] – Dr. John on emotional honesty and responsibility
• [11:00] – Conflict as connection
• [13:36] – Importance of periodic reviews/checkpoints for risky career transitions
• [19:39] – Caller struggling to help wife make friends as a stay-at-home mom
• [23:58] – Living with family and the “electric fence” analogy
• [28:29] – The importance of adults modeling friendship building
• [31:27] – Katie’s call about postpartum depression, journaling, and feeling like a burden
• [39:18] – Difference between coping and healing
• [46:29] – “Curiosity over judgment”—journaling advice
• [47:24] – Normalizing tough parental feelings
• [51:28] – Listener letter on reconciling with a parent

---

SUMMARY

This episode is a masterclass in honest, practical advice delivered with kindness and humor, peppered with Dr. John’s characteristic empathy and personal anecdotes. Whether you’re supporting a spouse through a risky dream, managing household tension, or fighting your own mental health battles, the episode delivers clear, actionable wisdom: communicate openly (without rescuing or blaming), set explicit benchmarks for risky decisions, nurture friendships, and, most importantly, give yourself and your loved ones permission to feel—all while keeping connection at the center.

Transcript

[Dave]

How can I tell my wife I'm struggling with financial pressures without discouraging her dream career? She's an entertainer, and in the last year alone, she's had some pretty great success.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me break in here just because of the nature of this show. What does entertainer mean? Good morning, good afternoon, good night. All right, this is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee. So grateful you've joined us. Talking about your marriages, your, your dating life, your mental and emotional health, what's going on with men and with women in this country. All the chaos and division and all the nonsense, and yet we all still have to go home and look ourselves in the mirror. And that's where many of us struggle. And so that's what this show's about. Pulling up a seat and figuring out what's the next right move in your life. All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in Marriage Getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at 749 bucks a couple. Get [e-mail] getaway. Scoot down the street here in Nashville, Tennessee, One of my neighbors. I don't know if you're really my neighbor. I've never talked to you before, but it's kind of awesome. Let's talk to Dave. What's up, Dave?

[Dave]

Hey, Dr. John. How you doing today?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up, brother? How are you, man?

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

I'm doing all right.

[Dave]

It's, it's getting colder, but it's good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Slowly but surely, the, the, the fall season is here.

[Dave]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, what's up, man?

[Dave]

I guess my question, if I'm being just really upfront, is how can I tell my wife I'm struggling with financial pressures without discouraging her dream career? So tell me more. Yeah, absolutely. So I'm. I married, Love my life. Two years ago. She's an entertainer, and in the last year alone, she's had some pretty good and pretty great success. Before that, she was a.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me break in here. Just because of the nature of this show. What does entertainer mean?

[Dave]

She is a stand up comedian.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, all right. Not a dancer. Okay. All right, good. Okay.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So she's gonna be a comic or a musician. Or whatever. Okay, cool.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave]

So she's had some great success in the last year and it's been really fun to watch. Before that, she was a preschool teacher for a few years, and she walked away from that because my wife was Born with some medical complications that affect her heart, kidneys, and some other stuff. And basically the kids germs made her sick, but due to her health bill, it made the sickness kind of just that much worse. So then my wife and I sat down and we prayed and talked it out thoroughly and agreed to have her work pretty part time and pursue her career more seriously so she can just worry less about her medical health, have the day to rest if she needs.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It, and her career as a comic, as a comedian.

[Dave]

Yeah, okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, okay.

[Dave]

And.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

And it's.

[Dave]

And that's come with some expected pressures like that. Expected. But I'm just having a hard time managing how to deal with some of those pressures in terms of when I express like, oh, man, this is because with entertainment, income's just kind of a little bit less predictable.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Everyone in entertainment, myself included, is on 100% commission. Right. So you do as you eat as well this month as you made last month, right?

[Dave]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Every month is a new month. So I'm going to run back what happened in my house and you tell me how. Now, the advantage I had was I'd been married a lot longer than you two have, and my wife had been. And I had been through tons of ups and downs and almost breakups and almost. I mean, some really great years. So I. I've got a whole bunch of scars and wisdom, but here's what the conversation happened in our house. I moved us across the country for my dream job at a university that was going to set our entire family up. And it did. It was amazing. And I loved my university, I love my co workers, I love the job. And then I had an opportunity to leave everything I'd worked for for 20 years to come work in media.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Public speaking, writing this show, everything. Right. And I was transitioning from a really firm salary, benefits, kids, college taken care of, like all that stuff taken care of to, hey, we're going to transition to this 100% commission thing. Right.

[Dave]

Mm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so we sat down together and came up with a game plan for. All right. How much money does it take for us to live every month?

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How much money is my wife gonna have to go back to work for a season? How are we going to contract our expenses until this thing gets moving? Yeah. And so that was a. That was a. We were really calculated. And then the most important thing I think was what is an end date? That we will sit down and re. Revisit this when we can both say, this isn't working. Yeah. And so tell Me. How many of those conversations did you have, other than I got to get out of teaching and I want to really do this thing, and then you want to be a supportive new husband and go, yeah, go do it. Like, how many of those detailed conversations did y' all have? We.

[Dave]

We've had all of them, actually. Okay, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So where's the pressure coming from?

[Dave]

It's really just based on, like, the unexpected, I guess. So, like, you know, I mentioned health earlier. Sometimes it just. We budgeted. We're both big fans of, you know, the Ramsey group, and we budgeted a certain amount for unexpected, but it's just. We've had some things like our. One of our cars got stolen and just another thing. So it's complicated things, and it's gone beyond what we even budgeted for. And just also, simply, sometimes when I express that, hey, like, it's just a. Like, I'm picking up some side hustles to basically make up for that. And sometimes when I feel like I'm expressing all this, I feel like my wife, she. She almost feels bad, like she's not doing enough to contribute to the marriage, and I don't really sometimes know how to handle that because I, I. She is. She does a lot of things to replace what she did at the school. Like, she cleans. She keeps our home really nice, and. And all these other things that I can't do because I'm at the office. And I. I make it a pretty conscious effort to tell her every day that I really appreciate that you're doing this and keeping busy. But sometimes I feel like still there's something that triggers her to feel like she's still feeling like she's not doing enough or. And I just. I feel like sometimes it's hard for me to express, like, oh, yeah, we're kind of in a tough situation, and I wish X, Y, and Z had not happened, but we're here, and I. I sometimes feel like it's taken as. Oh, like I'm not doing enough.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. Well, there's. I hear, three big issues. Okay. Number one is the most frustrating yet the most simple, and that is the math problem. Y' all make enough money to cover your bills. Do you make enough money to eat and keep your house, keep transportation and keep your. Keep your lights on? Right, Right. Keep heat in the house. Right. So that's number one, and that's a math problem that you'll have to work out depending on how you live and where you live and all those kind of things. Right. So that's Number one. Number two is there is a. And every new married couple I know struggles with this. So you're not. You're not crazy. It took me 15 years and almost breaking up my marriage to get to this point. And so if you can do this now, it will transform everything. And that is. I need to be able to. You both need to be able to say the thing that you're feeling and not take full responsibility for the other person's response to that. And the other person needs to be able to say what they're feeling and you catch your body before it runs to fight or flight.

[Dave]

Gotcha.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. So I need to be able to say, we agreed on this thing and it sucks right now. Both are true. And I, I. I've started going to the com. I go to the club over here every single week. I'm there doing sets. I know firsthand how awesome it feels when you have a night that crushes. Yeah. And I also know coming home when I didn't do so great, my new jokes weren't as funny as I thought they were when I was telling my them to myself in the shower. Right. So I. It's a. It's up and down, and some nights you make good money. Sometimes you make no money, and sometimes, you know, like, somebody promises you and it didn't come through. All that's part of it. But, y', all, the, the bigger conversation is not about feelings or I'm not doing enough or.

[Katie]

Or.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or it is. Hey, we're two years into being married. We are always going to be anchored together. We're on the same team. And she needs permission to say, I feel like I'm failing us. And you need permission to a say, well, I want you to know I agreed to this, and I'm fully on your team, and it's messy right now, and I'm still all in. And also, you have to decide I'm not going to rescue her from her own feelings, because I can't.

[Dave]

Okay, that makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And vice versa, that you can say, I'm working my third side hustle because she quit her job and she's trying to be a comedian, which is a tough road to hoe. Right. I mean, it's a road to hoe. It's. It's hard. Yeah. And you get to be frustrated on your third shift of the day. And she has to exhale into. We both agreed on this. We both shook hands and said, let's go. Let's go try to burn the world down together. And he gets to Be frustrated. Both are true. And she's not gonna try to rescue you because by the way, she can't rescue you.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you can't rescue her from her feelings.

[Dave]

Right, I agree.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so that's. That's the meta. I say meta. It's the. It's the foundational conversation. Can we both say what we're experiencing right now and still go do the next right thing and both of us not try to bail each other out?

[Dave]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Instead of I'm gonna sit in the tension. Remember this line. Conflict is connection. It's actually a good thing.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Dave]

And that. That's probably something we both need to keep growing into.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Especially just being young because we both grew up in pretty conflict.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Everyone's. Yeah, you're conflict avoidant. And when you do anything as a newly married person and you're. And your spouse feels frustrated, sad, annoyed, it's what you love her, you don't want her to be frustrated, so you go run in there and try to fix it. Yeah. And what you're communicating to her is I don't think you can do the next right thing, so let me do it for you. And vice versa. And then you get in this figure eight dance, right?

[Dave]

Yeah, completely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You chase her and she chases you. You try to fix her, and then she turns around, tries to fix you. And then in the middle where y' all cross you, you have like a great night of passionate sex and you're like, oh, we're back. And then the next morning it like, do you have any gigs this week? I don't have any gigs. Oh, okay. Well, I'll work more shifts. I don't want you to. And now we're back to the dance again. Yeah. Right.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's the. Here's the third big one. Can I give you the third big one? And then jump. And then jump in with any questions. Here's the third big one. People can do anything. Anything. Go through any kind of hardship if there's an end date to it. And y' all have to trying this new adventure is. And let me say this way, just as it comes to being a comic, I want there to be more comedians. The thing we need more than anything in the world is a truth tellers and be places where they make you put your phones away and have a shared human experience with other people. And everyone just laughs, right?

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Behind an orgasm. Laughter. Good. Laughter is the most stress relieving. Like. Ah, right.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

100%.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I want your wife to succeed, but it's Hard. And so is there an end date? And for everybody listening, this is, I want to start my own mechanic shop. I want to start a power washing business. I want whatever business you want to start. We have to put some checkpoints on the calendar for when we're going to sit down and sober minded, say, how is this going? Because here's what I've seen happen a bunch.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She's going to actually be doing this and she's not going to like all of the other parts of comic life, right? Yeah. The booking, the business, the media, the joke writing. Everybody loves to be on stage for 10 minutes making an audience die laughing. That's like a high that few people can, can understand. But that's not the job. That's part of the job.

[Dave]

Yeah, it's a, it's a business creation.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's a business. And so I can see her not liking this, but realizing, oh, I quit my job and now my husband's doing this, so I have to keep doing a thing I don't like. And then you're like, I gotta keep doing this. And again you get in this dance. Right. So saying in three months we're gonna revisit it. In six months, we're gonna revisit it. And all we're looking for is are we hitting our numbers? Are we. How many, how many new jokes do you have? How many gigs do you have? Is this thing. Is this thing actually. Is a train actually slowly moving out of the station?

[Dave]

Yeah. And that's interesting you say that because marches are gonna be our, our check in because it gets us through a pretty busy season for comedy, at least from what I know. So that's okay. I was just kind of, I was kind of wondering if, if that, like, if that was in a way, like, unrealistic to set those. No benchmarks.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have to have, you have to have those. And it doesn't mean that you're having good shows. It doesn't mean that you're making a whole bunch of money or anything like that. But part of the check in is, do you still want to do this? Yeah. And it's like, give her permission to say, I hate. Actually hate the whole, the entirety of this job.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And. But the conversation that you need to have soon, like tonight or tomorrow, is this. And here's how I would phrase it. And you can take, you can take whatever version of this you want to use or none of it. But I would sit down with my wife and say this. I wish I'd had these tools in Year two, and that is this. I'm so happy that we made this choice for you to go into comedy and to quit your job and to go full force into this. And I find myself on the days that you are struggling with new jokes or you didn't get the gig or one didn't go so well. I'm struggling trying to bail you out of those emotions.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want to let you. I want to let you own your own feelings, followed by, I need permission. I want to have permission. I don't say permission like in a mom and dad kind of way, but I want this. Our marriage is blessing. To be able to come home after working my third shift, which I signed up for, and I'm happy to do. But I also have. I get to be frustrated certain days. Yep. And I get to be stressed, and I don't want you to take that into a shame spiral or take that into a, well, then you have to fix it or you got to quit everything and get a job. Some days I'm just frustrated, and that's okay.

[Dave]

Yeah, It's. I signed up lifelong for this thing, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but you didn't sign up lifelong to be married to a comedian you signed up. Or to someone who's trying to start a small business. You signed up to be her ride or die, which means you all decide these things together.

[Dave]

Oh, 100.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. But it's. It's being able to come home and be like, man, today was awful.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I. I hate working three jobs, but I love supporting you. Right.

[Kealia]

Those are.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Those are. It's a. Both and. Yep.

[Dave]

Yeah, it definitely does work that way. It's. And I appreciate that. I really do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's awesome. Well, brother, I mean, I wish. I wish you guys the best. I wish her the best. I have no idea who she is because obviously this is a pseudonym on the show. It's not your real name. And if we happen to cross paths at the local club here in town, tell her to come up and say hi to me, because I would love to encourage her and. And cheer her on. It's awesome, brother. Thank you for being a husband that's walking alongside his wife, helping her follow her dream. It's getting to that. I. I have permission in my house. It's a. I. It's a good and right thing for me to feel my feelings and then go to the next right thing. And I want to be able to share those things without each of us trying to bail each other out from discomfort. Connection is found in conflict, and that's a great thing for all married people. We come back, a man asks how he can help his wife make friends. I love the holidays. Holidays for my family include a lot of travel, a lot of friends, a lot of food, and a lot of chaos. It also includes a lot of late nights. And with all of that going on, it can be hard to wind down and get good sleep. And almost nothing feels better than coming home from a week on the road or sleeping on some camp mattress and falling asleep on my Helix mattress. My whole family sleeps at our home on Helix mattresses and we all love coming home and getting into bed. I even have Helix mattress in my guest room. And when people come over and crash at my house, especially during the holidays, they all want to know about this amazing mattress they're sleeping on. Helix mattresses are that amazing. And here's why. Helix makes mattresses for real people, not generic average sleepers. So whether you sleep hot, cold, on your side, on your back, whatever, Helix customizes the mattress that best fits you to your sleep style. I took their sleep quiz. It took me like two minutes online. I want you to get online and take it too. You're going to get matched with the perfect mattress that's just right for you. Right now, my audience can get an exclusive 20% off your entire Helix order at helix sleep.com deloney that's 20% off the entire site, your whole purchase. Go to Helix H E L I x helix sleep.com deloney and tell them you heard about their amazing mattresses right here on this show with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. All right, we're back. Hey. Take two seconds and hit the subscribe or like or whatever button you push that will send this show directly into your feed, however you're consuming it and will tell the Internet overlords that you're a fan of this show. It helps kick the show up in the algorithm and it gets it in front of more people. I'm super grateful. Squat to Jeff in Salt Lake City, Utah. What up, brother Jeff?

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Hey, Dr. John. How you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good, man. I had to do about 17 intros to this because my brain's not working today. So thanks for hanging with me. What's up?

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

No problem. So, yeah, just. So just my question is, I guess how do I help my wife make friends? And kind of just to elaborate on that, she is a stay at home mom, three kids, under five years old. She is stressed out of her mind, of course, but just looking to see how I can best support her outside of Just being at home, being a stay at home mom.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's awesome, man. Does she have a gang or. No. Is she lonely and isolated?

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

So she. The main people that she interacts with is her family. So we live. We live in the basement of her with her sister. So my sister in law. And then.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that a good thing?

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Also lives here with us. What's that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that a good thing?

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Yeah, it can be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. It's not.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

It's not for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the first thing you can do is. Is move out and get your own place. Yeah.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay. Gotcha.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because right now she's still. She's still a younger sister and she's still a daughter.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Yeah. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And also trying to be a wife and a mother. You know what I'm saying? That's a lot of. That's a lot of role toggling in that basement.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay, I got you. Okay. So it's not. Not. You wouldn't say it's probably the best situation then for her to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's just dependent. I know some sisters that are like best friends on the planet. They're super supportive and they care for each other and take care of each other's kids. And I know some sisters who. They're not around each other forever and then they get together and they immediately go back to being 13 and 6. They go right back into their roles.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Sure.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And they judge each other and they're mean to each other and they lecture each other and they gossip about each other. And so I don't know the nature of yalls relationship, but just your pause makes me think, whatever, whatever. Whatever value this has, and it's probably an economic one that y' all are saving money on living in this basement. It seems to be coming at a cost to your wife's sanity and emotional well being.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Yeah.

[Katie]

Yeah.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay. I mean, they do. They do seem to have a good relationship. It's just. It's those few instances where, you know, they get on each other's nerves or my wife will kind of, you know, talk to me about how her sister is acting or those kind of things. But I think for the most part, it's a good relationship, at least from what I've seen.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I'm gonna. I'm gonna way over gender this. And so if you're listening to this and you're like, that's not true. It's fine. It's cool. Many of the men I have in my life, myself included, are rather obtuse. We. We are oblivious to what I would call underlying social dynamics.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We are usually pretty aware if that guy wants to fight somebody.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Other than that, we just walk into a room. What's up? Right?

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Yeah. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're. You're telling me about a couple of flare ups that your wife has brought to your attention between her and her sister, but I would be willing to bet money that there is an underlying simmer. Women are often infinitely better, and I could go anthropological and say they have to be right, but they are much better at absorbing existing social dynamics on a regular basis.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so there may be, and you can ask her about this. There may be an underlying, like, it's kind of like being on a farm and walking one inch from an electric fence all the time.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That is, that is stressful.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then the four or five times you accidentally hit it and get electrocuted, everyone goes, oh, I got shocked. But that doesn't take into account the always present danger that's right there.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Sure. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if she, if she opens her eyes and her first breath is a breath of tension because she's living in somebody else's house, which means she is under somebody else's social dynamic, somebody else's rule, somebody else's judgment, that's in and of itself an exhausting way to be a new mom.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I'm saying?

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Gotcha. Okay. And you put it that way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, you as, you, you and me just, dudes are like, man, you only got shocked four times. And it's like, yeah, dude, but that's always right there.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right? So that, that's, that's part one.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Part two is I've had seasons when I ask my wife to do me a favor and I ask her to go let me take the kids and let. And ask her to go get coffee with a friend. And she has done that for me.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I'm not saying like, hey, you need to go get some friends. I'm saying it would be a gift to me to have some one on one time with the kids. And you go spend some time with a friend or a couple of friends.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And we've been married a long time now, so she knows, like, oh, am I starting to get a little bit anxious? And I'm like, yep. Or when she said, hey, tonight I want you to go down to the comedy club, hang out with your buddies in the green room and just tell jokes that I don't want to hear, then I know, oh, I'm starting to get a little bit, a little bit grumpy. And I Need some friend time.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay, I gotcha.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if you sit down with your wife and say, you know what? You need a. Right there. The last thing she needs is to be lectured by another man. Right?

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if you say, hey, it would be a gift to me if you started going to a. Are y'. All. Are. Y' all people are religious people?

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Yeah. Yeah. We're. We're lds.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So it. It would be a gift to me if you started going to a women's get together. I don't. I don't know what they call them. Lds, but like a Bible study or a scripture study or a hang mom's hangout or a young mom's get together. It would be a gift to me.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Yeah. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then that actually gives her an excuse to go where she's like, well, I got to do this for him. But actually, it's really going to be a blessing for her.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay, I gotcha. Okay. She does. Yeah, she does. She does do that periodically when they have them. It's something she really likes to do, but it's. It's not. It's not very often. And so I don't know if I. If there's something else that I can do to, you know, kind of help give her that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're not gonna like my. My last suggestion. You ready?

[Dave]

Okay.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about the group of guys that you hang out with once a week.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Oh, I. I don't have it either.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Yeah. Often wives, and especially new moms who are wives, feel like I have to be here to take care of that guy.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because he's got nobody.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if you sat down and said what the. The most common wisdom that you're gonna hear is y' all each have to have your own independent groups of friends.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So that you can show up for each other, fully anchored in. And so you say, okay, I need to get a group of men in my life just to hang out with, to do something with. I need to get a hobby. And so can we both commit to doing one thing a week outside of the house? And we'll both flip responsibilities and roles, but you having other people that you can. Most women have three to five friends, the data says, and most men have one, and that's their wife. That's it.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Gotcha.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you coming out and saying, I got a group of guys that I go play golf with, video games. I don't care what you do. Just go do whatever. Go do the somersault club. I don't know what y' all do in Utah, but, like, go do whatever, and then that gives her permission to go to.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay, I need to. I need to take the first leap.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. Behavior is a language. We need friends. I'm going first.

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But also, I would love for y' all to sit down and go through the economics of getting your own place. Even if it's a small place, it's a. An apartment. But it's yalls where y' all can begin, coming up with the rhythms of your own home. And y' all are making the decisions for what's okay and what's not okay in terms of cleanliness, in terms of volume, in terms of any of the. The things that come with having your own house. And I would love if y' all could stay in that basement and save the money and everybody was right or die together. But it doesn't seem to be the case. Seems to be that your wife and her sister have fallen right back into old roles. And, man, for a new mom and a new wife, that is exhausting to walk that close to an electric fence, especially when you get shocked every once in a while. So have the conversation about getting your own place, come up with a deadline and a dollar amount that y' all can agree on and reach together. And that might mean Christmas is different this year, because in February, we're going to move, we're going to get our own place, and we're going to begin to establish our own home with our rules and regulations and customs and cultural stuff and. And I got to get some friends, and it would really be awesome for me if you did the same thing. You're a good man, dude. You're recognizing the tension, which is awesome. Now we got to take some concrete action steps to move forward. Good on you, brother. We come back, a woman asks how to start journaling to help with her postpartum depression. I love, love, love my poncho shirts. If you've seen me speaking live at events, or if you've seen me on the Internet, or if you see me at a local comedy club, you know that I'm almost always wearing poncho shirts. And right now it's cold outside, so I can wear my favorite poncho shirts, the denims and flannels. Poncho's performance denim has that soft, broken in feel with a little bit of stretch, like you've worn it a million times, but it still looks awesome. And poncho flannels, like I'm wearing right now, come in original or western styles, and they are guaranteed to be the softest shirts you own. Somehow they're both durable and incredibly comfortable. Poncho shirts come in slim or regular fit, and they're built for real life. They hold up to whatever life throws at you inside and outside. When you are shopping for the men and boys in your life this holiday season, I want you to go to ponchooutdoors.com DeLoney they will love poncho shirts. Sign up with your email and you'll get 10 bucks off your first order. Then tell Poncho that you heard about their shirts right here on this show. I want you to take a picture of you wearing poncho shirts or the men in your life wearing poncho shirts and put it up on social media and tag me and Poncho. Hurry and place your order right now to get free shipping before the holidays. That's ponchooutdoors.com DeLoney all right, let's go out to Salt Lake City and talk to Katie. What's up, Katie?

[Katie]

Hi. How are you, Dr. John?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, I am running a scam called a YouTube show and a podcast. It's pretty awesome. How about you?

[Katie]

I'm doing pretty good. Today's a good day. Got to clean my house, got a coffee. It's all good.

[Kealia]

That.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That bar is incredibly low. Well, well done, Katie. What's. What's going on?

[Katie]

So I wanted to call because I love you guys, love what you guys do. And I've been dealing with some pretty rough postpartum depression, Even though I'm 14 months out of having my youngest. And I listened to your show and thought a baby step would be journaling, but every time I open it, I just go completely blank or I don't love the thoughts. Like, it's like, I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to write that down, even though you say, just get it out of your body. And so then I just kind of get stuck and I'm in these loops of postpartum mom guilt, frustration, and all of that, and I just can't seem to get out of it. So I just didn't know how to start, where to go from there or anything like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I love your question. Teach me about your experience with postpartum. What does that. What has that experience been for you?

[Katie]

Well, I have two kiddos. One's three and one's one. The postpartum with my oldest was really bad, and she had colic for nine months. So that was just a nightmare. Going through that. As soon as she Got better. It felt like the sun came out as soon as that got over. And I felt like my postpartum just went away. And I started getting my body back and all of that. And so it felt like it was just in the snap of a finger. It just stopped. This time. I know it's harder because I have a toddler now, and on top of it, she's not talking yet. So that's been a struggle for me. And my son didn't, like, sleep until about a month ago. I was sleep deprived too. And so I'm just now seeing the light through the trees, and I. I'm not in the thick of it anymore because the thick of it was really, really bad.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When you say really, really bad, is it catastrophic? Thinking, is it inability to sleep? Is it suicidal ideation? Like, tell me about really, really bad means I had.

[Katie]

I. I did have a couple times where I'm just like. I just. I'm. They're better off without me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Katie]

I'm just like, there's just. There's just. There's no way I can do this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Katie]

Like, they're better off without me. Do without me here in their way, basically. And then, you know, an. Like, no, that's dumb. Like, stop it. Like, they. They need their mom.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where's dad?

[Katie]

He's here. He's amazing. He's climbing the corporate ladder, you know, because he just wants to provide. And that's his, you know, that's his way of showing. Showing up is providing. He's amazing with the kids. The moment he comes and put his bags down, he's with his kids. So he's amazing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I'm gonna challenge you, though. Okay?

[Katie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm not challenging your husband's character in any way. Okay? I trust you. He's a great guy. But the greatest gift a father can give his kids is not more money and it's not undivided time. Those are important things. The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother really well. And if mom is drowning and dad's on the beach playing sandcastles, and if mom is drowning and husband's flying down the beach in a brand new boat because he's trying to get somewhere, Mom's still drowning. And so when I circle back and say, where. Where's dad? Let me. Let me change that language. Where is your husband?

[Katie]

So we are complete opposites.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't care. Don't care. I. I literally don't care. Where is your husband?

[Katie]

I think he's focusing on the kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Katie]

I think he asked me, you know, because I've told him. I'm like, I'm. I'm drowning, I'm struggling. He's like, what do I do? And I don't know what to tell him. He's like, I want to help you. Like, what do I. Like I'm right here. What do I do?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Katie]

This. This needs to be remedied. What? Like I'm right here. And then I just say, I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Katie]

And because he's asked me many times, like I've. I've broken down, I've been really honest with him and he's just like, we need to fix this. Like you. I don't know what that looks like for you, but we need to fix it. And he says we. He, you know, he says that. And I just. And he's like, but you need to tell me because I don't. I can, you know, I can use what tools I have, but they might not work for you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Katie]

And he's right, because again, like, we're polar opposites.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want to change one word, okay? From we need to fix this to I'm gonna be right here with you because I don't think you're broken.

[Katie]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm not in. In no way, shape, form or fashion am I blaming him. All men that I know, especially the good ones, were trained to go solve and fix problems. But in the process, we end up treating our wives like car engines.

[Katie]

I can see that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, you're sad. We'll take this supplement, go get this sunlight, and then you're off to the races, kid. Cuz that's how we are. We're trained. And by the way, that's why we die eight years younger.

[Katie]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's why men have heart attacks and they just drop dead because they're told that they are car engines to be managed, not human beings to be with.

[Katie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it sounds counterintuitive now, by the way, this is not going to fix or this is not going to heal or solve postpartum. But there's a totally different conversation if husband on the way home, calls a neighborhood high school kid to take the kids upstairs and just sits next to you for 30 minutes and watches an episode of the Office.

[Katie]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And everyone's nervous system goes back to zero. You get what I'm saying?

[Katie]

Yeah, because he has. Yeah, no, for sure. And he has looked at high school kids. It's just. It never works out with our schedule. We looked at sitters and it's just not in our budget right now. Again, because like I said, our daughter's not talking.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I got that. I got any, I get that. I get that.

[Katie]

Any free money we have, we're putting into therapy. And so I've dealt with anxiety and depression my whole life. And I've had different coping mechanisms for each season of it, my life. And some were good, some were okay and not great. But I don't have the time or like we call it fun money to do any of those things. So I don't even know a coping mechanism for this season of my life. And again, he's like, what do we need to do? And I, and I get, I go back to.

[Dave]

I don't know, I wanted, I want to.

[Katie]

Everything I've done before.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And I guess here's the challenge. You've never head directly into it. You've coped with it.

[Katie]

Oh.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You've never, you've never gone through it to get to the other side. You've just managed it. And so think about your anxiety and your depression. Think about it as a smoke detector in your kitchen. You've never looked at the what's on fire in the house. You've gotten some great headphones. You've learned some good meditative techniques to tune it out. You've taken the batteries out of the smoke detector. You've never looked at what's on fire.

[Katie]

Okay, that makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's where I'm circling back to. You're not broken. Your body's probably working pretty dang good.

[Katie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it's entering into a season where I don't want to cope with this stuff anymore. I want to heal. I want to walk through it. And I will tell you, I could tell by your language, you have a deep seated, long term sense that you are a burden to the people around you.

[Katie]

Yeah, that's accurate.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. It's simply not true. You're not a burden to your husband. He chose you. You're not a burden to your kids. You're their freaking mom. You're not a burden to the women on your street who also are sitting at home locked in a house with a toddler who would love to have somebody just go. Every morning at 9 o', clock, we're gonna go for a walk. And I don't care what the nap schedule is. We're gonna get some sunlight and it's gonna be too cold and we're gonna bundle up and we're gonna go for a walk. Yeah, that costs no money.

[Katie]

And I do that once a week with A friend of mine, just because our, you know, our schedules and the. And I know, activities with kids that might not fit.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you think this. You think the calendar is more important than you? It's not. You think the schedule is more important than you. You think a toddler's sleep schedule is more important than you And I, above anybody, believe in routines, especially for little kids and yada, yada, yada, but not if mom is drowning.

[Katie]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if you put the calendar ahead of yourself and you put. If you put peace in your house above yourself and you put your husband's climb on the corporate ladder, I promise you this. As a husband who has been here, he's going to cross a financial threshold where he thinks he won. He's going to look back and his wife's going to be an ash behind him. I've been there. There's no greater feeling than crossing a financial threshold arm in arm with the husband or the wife. You pledge till death do us part. It's the best, right? But it's a hollow victory crossing that line by yourself.

[Katie]

That makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if you think I'm a burden, then you saying, I don't need any advice from you. I need you to sit by me. Or as my wife once told me, one of the greatest things she's ever said to me, ever. I need to borrow your nervous system for about 30 minutes, pull up an episode of Brooklyn Nine Nine a rerun and plop on the couch. I'll be back in a minute. No making out, no hooking up, no nothing. She curled up into me like a Labrador, just tight as a ball. And we watched a TV show together and it was over. She dropped her shoulders and went, ah, thank you. And she walked away. And I haven't felt that needed and purposed and having purpose in a long time. But if you don't think you're worth cuddling up against for 30 minutes, it's hard to even say that out loud, right?

[Katie]

Yeah. Yeah. And I know he would.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course he would. He loves you. He sounds like he's an awesome guy. And even if you give him one little sentence, and this is a magic sentence, I know you're going to think this is dumb, but I want to put on two old John Mayer songs and I want to slow dance in the living room and the kids are going to scream and I don't care. Can I just put my head on your chest and we dance? Yep.

[Katie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now, none of this stuff is going to quote, unquote, fix postpartum if you're still struggling 14 months out. I want you to go see a professional tomorrow. Okay?

[Katie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then I'm going to do something for you. Okay. I'm making a promise here that I don't know that I can keep, but I'm pretty sure I can. I know the guy. My buddy, Luke Lever runs a journaling program called Holy Work. Are you a person of faith?

[Caller from Nashville (Dave's friend or another caller)]

It's.

[Katie]

It's complicated.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, good, good. Part of that process can be that his, his, his program is, is based for. On people. But I've, I've sent people who are devout atheists and they have benefited greatly from it. Okay.

[Katie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it is a, it's a journaling program that. It's basically just a guided program and I saw a ton of benefit from it.

[Katie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'll tell you, here's one of the magic things about it. There's a 10 minute free, right? It's a vomit session. And then there is journaling prompts after that. And that became the magic thing for me because I like you. We just be like, this is dumb. This is stupid. Oh, I feel bad, okay. Oh, I've got kids. Well, they're not going anywhere. And so I'm going to put my pen down and my life's going to be exactly the same, right? But there was a 10 minute free ride that allowed me just to basically vomit all of the up. And the best way I could, I could see it is I was trying to clean my kitchen, but I never took the trash out. And that 10 minute free rite takes the trash out. So then I can look at a kitchen without garbage. Garbage in it.

[Katie]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then get to what, what's, what do I need to think through and write about and experience and feel and then go do the next right thing? How do I do that next? And so I'm going to sign you up for his program for free. And if he says he won't give it to me for free, which I think he will, then I'll pay for it. Okay.

[Katie]

Oh my gosh. Thank you so much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I want you to go through it.

[Katie]

I will.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm not affiliated with him in any shape, form or fashion other than I've been through it. And it's a good program, but it's a, it's a. Think of journaling as a, as a skill. It's the thing you got to practice.

[Katie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I do think you could benefit tonight by sitting down. And those things you don't want to write down, I want you to write them down. Why don't you want to write them down? What are you scared about?

[Katie]

I think it's more so that I'm upset that I'm feeling that way. I get, like, disappointed in myself that I'm feeling this way, and I'm just like, no, I shouldn't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So curiosity over judgment.

[Katie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Curiosity over judgment.

[Katie]

Yeah. I need to learn that skill that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Will help you with your parenting, that will help you be married. When your husband's like, hey, honey, I want to try this in the bedroom. And you're like, sick then or, wow. Tell me more about that. Whoa. Right? One of those is curious, and one of those is judgmental. One of those is an imitation, and one of those shuts down everything else and all future vulnerability and. Can I just tell you it's okay if there are days you wake up and you don't want to look at your kids? You're not a bad mom. And there's a. There's days you open your. Like, you just want to put your fingers in your ears and scream because they won't stop screaming, and that doesn't mean you're a bad mom. And there are days you want to get in your car and drive from Salt Lake City to the panhandle of Florida and change your name and disappear. And that doesn't make you a bad mom. That makes you human.

[Katie]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're not broke and there's not something wrong with you. Okay? And you may need some pharmacological intervention. That was a stupid way to say that. You may need some medicine to help with hormones. Right. You may need some low dose anxiety medication for the next few months to get you through a season. That's fine. It's great. I've been there, too. But at the end of that, underneath all this is, you're worth writing your hard thoughts out. You're worth going to see a doctor. You're worth telling your husband, I just want you to hold me for 30 minutes. You're worth calling your friends and saying, once a week isn't enough. I want to do three times a week. I don't care about our stupid schedules.

[Katie]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Do you believe me?

[Katie]

I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's okay if you don't.

[Katie]

I do. No, I do, because I just. I want to be a better wife and a better mom. Not just for my kids and my. No, no. I'm saying not for my kids and husband, but for me. I want that for myself. Because I know being a better wife and a better mom means I'm happier and more at peace. And that's what I want.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's flip that around. So I think I want you to find peace. I want you to find warmth and laughter and joy, and that will free you to be a wife and a mother who loves recklessly.

[Katie]

That sounds better.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I'm saying?

[Katie]

I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're worth all that stuff.

[Katie]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So we've got your email. I'll. I'll contact my buddy Luke, and I'll see if we can get you connected. Is that cool?

[Katie]

That's great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome.

[Katie]

Thank you so much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I'm grateful for you. And make sure you hang up the phone and call your doctor. And we're going to start there, and then I'm going to get you hooked up with this journey class. And tonight, I want you to imagine two or three things that you can say to your husband. Hey, we're not going to fix anything. I just want you to be with me. The greatest gift you could give me right now is not your answer. It's not your advice, but just you. Just you. You're awesome. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right. The holidays are a time of traditions. Some traditions are great, and some traditions have run their course. It's a great time to reflect on those traditions and what they really mean to you and to ask yourself, is it time to begin to create new traditions on your own? Therapy can give you space to create new traditions, reflect on the old ones, and most importantly, take time for yourself. If you're thinking about therapy, I recommend BetterHelp. They've served over 5 million people globally with an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. BetterHelp is totally online, so it's easy to fit into your busy holiday schedule. To get started, just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it happens to not be the right fit, you can change therapist at any time for no extra cost. This month, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.com DeLoney all right, Kelly, Something cool happened. What is it?

[Kealia]

All right, this is. Oh, I'm going to butcher her first name. Kealia. I hope I got that close to right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Kealia.

[Kealia]

Kellya. K E A L I A. Keela. Keela. I'm good with that, too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You remind me of Dumb and Dumber. It's like teh, teh. It's like the. The. Yeah.

[Kealia]

All right. She is from Chicago, and she writes. John is always talking about how kids are so quick to cut off their parents. I have not had a great relationship with my father since I was born.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, adult kids. Okay.

[Kealia]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Okay.

[Kealia]

We have gone extended periods of time where we do not talk. I finally had the opportunity to let my dad know how I feel and put some boundaries in place. They were not initially taken well, but after a few days, we talked again, and we forgave each other for various things. Since then, he has been more forthcoming and honest with me. We've talked more and more. I am so glad I keep. I get to keep my dad in my life. I'm especially glad that I've always had John in the back of my mind when I wanted to give up on the relationship with my father. Thank you, John and team As. I now feel like I have a piece of myself back.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. Very cool, dude. And congratulations for wading through that tension and waiting through that conflict and saying, there's a person I love on the other side of that. That electricity, and I'm gonna wade through it with boundaries, of course. I'm gonna wade through it and see if we can reconnect. That's awesome. I love that, dude. I love that. And for every one of those calls, we get somebody who's like, it doesn't go well. But I still think wading through that tension to try to find connection is worth it. It's awesome.

[Kealia]

Yeah. And this show comes out on the 22nd of December, and so right before, if it's anything like last year, we're about to get a couple hundred emails about, I'm cutting my parents off or my kids cut me off or whatever, because people are just drawing that hard and fast line. And, you know, not everything's black and white. Sometimes you have to do the hard work and then try to save the relationship.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And sometimes it's not salvageable, sometimes it's not because the other person wants to reconnect.

[Kealia]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it's worth wading through the conflict most of the time. Thank you so much for being with us. Merry Christmas, everybody. Make good choices. Actually, don't. Just don't. Take a few days of not good choices. Love you guys. Bye.