The Dr. John Delony Show: Off the Record With Dr. K — This Interview Changed My Mind (February 25, 2026)

Episode Overview

In this deeply insightful and candid episode, Dr. John Delony sits down "off the record" with Dr. Alec Kogia—better known as Dr. K, the "Healthy Gamer," psychiatrist, author, and prominent commentator on mental health, technology, and modern relationships. The conversation explores the impact of technology (especially on kids and families), the roots of addiction and loneliness, pornography’s influence on relationships, healthy communication between partners, and crucial strategies for raising children in a technology-heavy world. Both guests speak with vulnerability and humor, reflecting on their personal experiences as parents and professionals—often challenging each other and their own ingrained beliefs.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Fear, Love, and Parenting in a Modern World

• Parenthood Changes Everything: Dr. K shares, “People say when you have kids, you don't know the meaning of love until you have kids. I didn't know the meaning of fear until I had kids.” (00:05)
• Resilience in Children: Dr. K recalls advice from his pediatrician mother, noting, “Kids heal. Human beings are incredibly resilient.” (04:42)

2. Technology, Loneliness, and Modern Addictions

• Root of Addiction & Isolation:

  • Delony observes, “When a body is disconnected from a root set of relationships, the instant it recognizes it's lonely… sex and alcohol are substitutes.” (08:20)
  • Dr. K reframes technology use as a way of coping: “Technology allows us to stay in touch, but it kind of disconnects us… it's gas station food.” (11:09 - 12:01)
  • Social media & OnlyFans create "parasocial" interactions that mimic—but do not substitute for—real relationships.

• Dangers of Numbing & Emotional Awareness:

  • "If you fill up your stomach with gas station food, you'll still develop a nutrient deficiency ... you no longer feel hungry." (14:21)
  • Both agree our culture pushes to numb or pathologize basic emotions like guilt and shame, when these are actually essential for growth and motivation. (16:14 - 16:32)

3. The Pornography Crisis and Emotional Coping

• Skyrocketing Use & Consequences:
  • “About 5% of men under the age of 30 used to have erectile dysfunction. Now about 30% … almost certainly due to pornography.” (18:55)
• Pornography as Emotional Numbing:
  • “What a lot of people miss... pornography addiction is not about sex. There's a lot of passive consumption… It's about managing negative emotions.” (19:34)
• The Role of Powerlessness and Unspoken Needs:
  • Many men view their problems as unsolvable, driving deeper into unhealthy coping (porn, alcohol, etc.) instead of developing healthier skills and communication. (25:08)
  • “Is there something in your life you feel is unsolvable? Really working on that problem… really starting to feel empowered.” (26:52)
• Impact on Partners:
  • Discovering a partner’s porn use is deeply wounding and often misattributed: “That’s a hard truth to metabolize… usually that’s a man drowning in front of you.” (28:22)

4. Healthy Communication in Relationships

• Core Intimacy Challenges:

  • Dr. K explains, “There’s a huge difference between everything that you just said and this, which is all of those things is me and you against that thing out there. But when it comes to something like this [vulnerability, sexuality], it’s me and you.” (32:09)
  • Talks about the "risk of rejection" and why opening up about sexual needs is so fraught.

• The Danger of "Hollywoodized" Romance:

  • “The transformation of my own marriage came from what I would call the de-Hollywoodization…” (36:08)
  • Importance of direct, clear communication vs. reading each other’s minds or performing cultural scripts.

• Want vs. Need Language:

  • Delony suggests we overuse “needs” in relationships: “If I tell you I need X, Y or Z… I’m handing my well-being to you and saying, you have to fix this for me.” (41:03)
  • Dr. K agrees: “It’s really, really dangerous.” (45:03)

5. Emotional Vulnerability and Gender

• How Men & Women Process Vulnerability:
  • Dr. K: “As men, we have two modes—zero and 100. We don’t know how to go from 0 to 25.” (54:51)
  • “When men are emotionally vulnerable with their female partners, their female partner gets the ‘ick’.” (53:56)

6. Parenting, Technology, and Preparing Kids for the World

• Modeling Alone Isn’t Enough:

  • Dr. K: “The most important gift we can give our kids is awareness… not just modeling.” (85:00)
  • Awareness means teaching kids to observe how their behavior affects them — not just what parents do, but how tech, food, etc. make them feel.

• Integration and Responsibility, Not Prohibition:

  • “The off button leads to deception.” (62:23)
  • Teach kids integration and self-regulation, not just strict prohibition.
  • “Teach him how to swim, don’t keep him out of the ocean.” (69:05)

• Practical Tips for Tech Use:

  • Keep gaming devices in communal spaces, no headphones (so parents can overhear), involvement in what games they play and with whom. (77:38)
  • Instead of rigid limits, help kids recognize and reflect on how technology affects their well-being before, during, and after use. (71:16)

• Letting Kids Fail Safely:

  • Dr. K: “The real money is before it turns on and after it turns off”—discuss how they feel about usage, not just the time spent. (72:20)
  • Parents’ love makes it hard to stand firm on rules, but tolerating discomfort together is part of growth. (81:58 - 83:24)

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On Emotional Numbing:
  • “Just because you feel numb does not mean that emotions are not active within you. They are controlling your behavior.” (24:52, Dr. K)
• On Hollywood Romance vs. Reality:
  • “The transformation of my own marriage came from the de-Hollywoodization…” (36:08, Delony)
• On Teaching Kids:
  • “I’m a big fan of teach him how to swim; don’t keep him out of the ocean.” (69:05, Dr. K)
• On Parental Fear Projected to Kids:
  • “You’re a therapist projecting onto him. This is your struggle. Your demon jumping on him to carry.” (65:11, Dr. K)
• On Awareness as the Greatest Gift:
  • “It’s not even teaching, it’s not even modeling… the greatest gift is awareness.” (85:10, Dr. K)
• On the Challenges of Letting Go:
  • “But I think there’s a deeper level… You are going to figure out what the right way is, and I’m going to create an environment where you come to your own conclusions.” (90:16, Dr. K)

Important Timestamps

• 00:05–04:55 — Parenting, resilience, and fear
• 06:56–09:43 — Loneliness as the root of addiction
• 10:24–16:32 — Technology as numbing, the function of emotions
• 18:55–21:15 — Pornography, dopamine, and culture
• 28:22–33:13 — How porn impacts partners and communicating about sexual needs
• 36:08–39:58 — Deconstructing Hollywood romance and "apps as matching your mirror"
• 41:03–47:01 — "Needs" vs. "Wants" and the danger of emotional outsourcing
• 53:55–57:39 — Male vulnerability and the 'ick' factor
• 59:13–62:12 — Delony’s struggle with tech boundaries for his son; Dr. K’s analogy to gun safety
• 62:13–68:22 — How to coach kids toward responsible screen use, the limits of modeling, owning your parental anxiety
• 71:16–74:48 — Dr. K’s approach: teach self-awareness around tech enjoyment, involve kids in creating structure
• 77:38–79:37 — Concrete safety steps and long-term skill building
• 81:32–83:24 — The importance of letting kids fail and feeling okay with not being liked

Summary for New Listeners

This episode is a must-listen for parents, partners, and anyone interested in the intersection of technology, mental health, and modern relationships. Dr. K and Dr. Delony wrestle with the unique problems families face in a world of addictive tech, share vulnerable stories as dads and as experts, and push listeners to move beyond control toward teaching kids—and each other—awareness, emotional regulation, and healthy communication. You’ll come away challenged to examine your own relationship with technology, your willingness to feel (rather than numb) uncomfortable emotions, and your strategies for resilience and connection in the digital age.

For further reading, check out Dr. K's new book, "How to Raise a Healthy Gamer."