Should I Marry the Guy Everyone Thinks Is My Husband?

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: Should I Marry the Guy Everyone Thinks Is My Husband?
Air Date: November 14, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony, Ramsey Network

---

Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. John Delony guides several callers through their complex relationship, mental health, and family struggles. The main theme centers on how our past traumas can shape our present, especially in trust, financial, and marital issues. The show's first and most extended call is from Sarah, who finds herself in a “double life”: married in every way except legally, unable to trust her partner because of his financial betrayals and echoing wounds from her abusive childhood. The episode moves through deeply empathetic, sometimes raw conversations about agency, safety, boundaries, and the real work of breaking generational cycles. Subsequent segments tackle family estrangement and parenting a neurodivergent child, rounding out a show full of practical wisdom and emotional depth.

---

Main Call: Sarah’s Double Life (Orlando)

Should I Marry the Guy Everyone Thinks Is My Husband?
[00:25-18:27]

Background & Major Issues

• Whirlwind Romance and "Fake Wedding":
  Sarah describes a fast-moving relationship, a quick engagement, and a big wedding party attended by friends, family, and an officiant—but without ever obtaining a legal marriage license due to COVID delays.
  • "We had a very small wedding... But before we went through the entire legal process... I found out some things that really triggered some very bad issues for me." [02:10]
• Breach of Trust and Financial Insecurity:
  After pooling wedding money, Sarah discovered the joint account was empty; her partner spent all the money on hunting equipment without consulting her, deeply echoing trauma from her childhood with an abusive, financially manipulative father.
  • "I happened to check that account that had thousands of dollars in it, and it was all completely gone." [03:09]
• Living "Married" but Not Trusting:
  Years later, Sarah and her partner share a child and a home life, but she keeps her finances separate, unable to fully trust or legally commit due to past traumas and his other behaviors (e.g., pornography, which for Sarah is a trigger due to past infidelity in relationships).
  • "It feels like this double life because we don't share our finances... I just, I don't know how to trust this person." [05:33]
• Haunted by the Past:
  Sarah’s story reflects repetition of unresolved trauma—feeling "stuck," hoarding money for safety, and fearing for her future and her child’s.
  • "Every dime that I get, I still hoard money just because it's my security blanket." [07:28]

Key Insights & Dr. Delony’s Guidance

• The Reality of "Legal" vs. "Actual" Marriage:
  Dr. Delony clarifies that Sarah is bound to her partner (shared child, assets, and public ceremony), regardless of the missing certificate:
  • "You've created an imaginary world... in fact, the marriage certificate would have actually made separating one day way easier." [09:07]
• Safety and Agency First:
  Dr. Delony probes for safety—physical, emotional, financial—and gently points out signs of deeper unsafety in Sarah’s voice.
  • "There's a cadence to somebody that isn’t safe... and I've heard it my whole career, and I hear it right now." [12:41]
• No One Owes Explanations for Their Own Safety:
  He reminds Sarah her primary job is to ensure her (and her child's) safety, not to justify her reality to others, and offers concrete resources (financial coaching, counseling).
• The Power of Telling the Truth:
  Delony reframes Sarah’s shame about her situation, pointing to the generational patterns:
  • "Freedom comes from telling stories... telling the truth. That’s where you’ll find freedom." [15:23]
• On Repeating Trauma:
  He shares wisdom from therapist Terry Real:
  • “As the great Terry Real says, we often marry our unfinished business.” [16:49]
• First Steps Toward Change:
  • "It's going to be hard to stay where you're at and it's going to be hard to make some big changes. I want you to choose the hard path that’s going to get you where you want to be in three years." [17:55]
  • Offers Sarah three months of counseling and financial coaching: “But you have to promise me you'll call them today.” [14:13]

Notable Quotes

• On Entrenched Patterns:
  "I think you know what you have to do... there’s still a six year old little girl in there asking herself, 'Daddy, why are you hitting me?'" —Dr. John Delony [07:00]
• On Safety Perception:
  "You don't owe explanations to anybody. If you have a parent or a friend that you can go live with for three months, actually it's your house. He can leave." —Dr. John Delony [12:41]
• On Difficult Choices:
  "You're worth the work. When you don't believe [in] yourself, think back to those words and believe them. You're worth the work." —Dr. John Delony [18:16]

---

Segment 2: Family Estrangement – Respecting Boundaries

[21:32-32:47]

Caller: Jim, Greenville, South Carolina

Situation:
Jim’s sister abruptly cut ties with their large family, citing CPTSD from childhood “neglect” due to many siblings. After failed attempts to reach her, including their dad’s unwanted calls and texts (despite her explicit requests for no contact), police became involved.

Key Insights

• You Can't Force Reconciliation:
  "You can't. This is his daughter... but it's officially harassment when somebody puts in writing, do not contact me, and you contact them." [24:40]
• Sadness and Acceptance:
  "I think it’s time for us to be sad for a while because I miss my sister and I know you miss your daughter." —Dr. John Delony [26:07]
• On Questioning the Narrative:
  "There are often secrets that even siblings don’t know... the truth is, you don’t know." [29:05]
• Accepting Reality, Leaving a Trail:
  "Even if that means not calling you... the greatest way you can love your daughter is to give her space." [27:41]

Notable Quotes

• "It's easier to blame yourself, 'I should have done this, I could have done this,' than it is to exhale and say, 'Somebody I love and care for made up a story about me and cut us off.'" —Dr. John Delony [26:33]

---

Segment 3: Parenting Decisions – Navigating ADHD & Unmet Needs

[32:47-47:50]

Caller: Robert, Dallas, Texas

Situation:
Robert and his wife are concerned about their energetic 7-year-old daughter, who’s struggled with allergies, early developmental challenges, and now ADHD-like behaviors. They consider medication but are unsure how to proceed.

Key Insights

• Thorough Evaluation Before Medication:
  "Don’t do anything until you get her reevaluated... I just want the right professionals to sit down with your kid." [33:53]
• Possible Misdiagnosis – Look Deeper:
  Dr. Delony suggests behaviors sometimes attributed to ADHD could reflect boredom, social struggles, or past health issues.
  "Sometimes what comes across as ADHD is kids are bored out of their minds." [43:14]
• Celebrate Strengths Daily:
  He encourages intentional, daily affirmation to counteract negative self-narratives:
  • "Find ways every single day to make sure that you put both hands on your daughter's face and find one or two or three things to celebrate about her." [40:11]
• Medication as Last Resort:
  • "If you don't have peace or trust the doctor, then I'd go get another one. But don't Google it. Don't go down YouTube for diagnostics and interventions." [46:44]

Notable Quotes

• "She’s going to get a meta narrative that she is broken and it could be that she’s amazing. She just doesn’t fit in a traditional structure.” —Dr. John Delony [40:13]

---

Segment 4: Am I The Problem? (Listener Email)

[47:50-53:34]

Scenario:
Heather from Indiana is frustrated that after 15 years, her husband still leaves a mess around the house despite her requests for cleanliness—a “need” for her mental peace.

Key Insights

• The Real Issue Isn't Shoes:
  Dr. Delony notes the problem is deeper than clutter—it’s about how needs are communicated and valued.
  • "You have identified this in the same breath as oxygen, food and water. This isn’t a need. This is a thing that you really want... and it’s getting to that conversation." [49:50]
• It's Both: Behavioral and Emotional:
  Husband needs to step up, but both need to articulate what’s beneath the behavior.
• Change Requires Understanding the Why:
  Guest Kelly shares a personal realization—explaining not just the “what” but the “why” (how mess makes her feel) changed her husband’s behavior.

Notable Quotes

• "He needs to suck it up and be a grown man and clean up after himself. It's ridiculous. And there is a sense of compassion... you all are talking past each other right now." —Dr. John Delony [49:50]
• "Instead of just griping about it, letting him know how it made me feel and how he could help me feel more comfortable in our own home helped a lot." —Kelly [52:42]

---

Memorable Moments & Tone

• Dr. Delony’s compassionate directness: never shying from hard truths, especially regarding trauma, safety, and agency (“You are teetering over the edge, and you can't go over the edge. You got a little one.” [10:24])
• A trademark blend of gentle humor and gravity, as when coaching weary parents or responding to listener emails about messy spouses.
• Emotional affirmation: “You’re worth the work. When you don’t believe [in] yourself, think back to those words and believe them.” [18:16]

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:25-18:27] Sarah’s Double Life: Trust, Trauma, Marriage, & First Steps Forward
• [21:32-32:47] Jim & Estranged Sister: Family Boundaries and Respect
• [32:47-47:50] Robert’s Daughter: ADHD, Parenting, and Celebrating Strengths
• [47:50-53:34] Listener Email: "Am I the Problem?" (Marital Chores & Communication)

---

Final Takeaways

This episode is a masterclass in navigating difficult truths: you can't wish away trauma, force people to reconnect before they're ready, or outsource your child's well-being to a diagnosis. Through every call, Dr. Delony underscores that agency, truth-telling, and connection—to self and others—are the hardest but most liberating paths forward. For listeners wrestling with trust, family fallout, or parenting worry, the message is clear: facing reality is painful, but you are worth it.

---

(If you are experiencing relationship, financial, or mental health difficulties, resources and help are available at ramseysolutions.com and through platforms like BetterHelp.)

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in Marriage Getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at 749 bucks a couple. Get [e-mail] getaway.

[Sarah]

I met my partner and we kind of had this whirlwind romance.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What did you find that made you say halt this thing?

[Sarah]

We got a whole bunch of wedding gifts, and part of that was wedding money. I happened to check that account that had thousands of dollars in it, and it was all completely gone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show, taking your calls. Real people going through real challenges, struggles in their marriage, their mental and emotional health, their kids, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm gonna pull up a seat. You pull up a seat, and we're gonna figure out what's your next right move. For more than two decades, I spent time as a professor, as a dean of students, as a crisis responder, showing up in the wildest moments of people's lives and asking the question, what are we going to do next? If you want to be on the show, go to john deloney.com/a s k. I'd love to have you on. Let's go to Orlando, Florida and talk to Sarah. What's up, Sarah?

[Sarah]

Hey, how are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Remarkable. How about you?

[Sarah]

Very nervous, to be honest, but excited.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's very cool. Very cool. What's up?

[Sarah]

I just have a strange question for you, to be honest.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let it rip. Every question on the show, strange. So let it go.

[Sarah]

Basically, I just wanted some advice. How do I overcome issues from my past to learn how to trust enough to marry the man that everyone already thinks is my husband?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm going to backtrack what I was saying. Said earlier that everyone asks a weird question. They don't ask that weird of one. Explain this. Unpack this for me.

[Sarah]

Yeah, it's. It's a very strange situation. And it's kind of. It was an accidental kind of double life that I now live. Where basically what ended up happening was, is I met my partner and we kind of had this whirlwind romance. And he's absolutely wonderful and super sweet, and he proposed very quickly. We had a very small wedding. But before we went through the entire legal process of actually legally getting married, I found out some things that really triggered some very bad issues for me, and it really changed everything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So let's change a few things. You didn't have a wedding. You had a big party.

[Sarah]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so we had a big party. Everybody showed up to it. They bring gifts. Y' all have, like, toasters and stuff?

[Sarah]

Yep. Got it all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, what did you find that made you say I halt this thing?

[Sarah]

Well, a little bit of context is going to be helpful for this, but basically, yes, we had a big party. We got a whole bunch of wedding gifts, and part of that was wedding money. And we put it in a joint account. And before we finished, through the legal process, I happened to check that account that had thousands of dollars in it, and it was all complet gone. And he had went and spent all of it on hunting equipment and things that he wanted and never talked to me. And unfortunately, that triggered a very bad insecurity. I grew up in a very abusive household where my father was very bad with money. He would beat all of us and kind of use money to manipulate our situation, and we had to move a lot and cause a lot of insecurities. So when that happened, that really made things very challenging where I just suddenly didn't trust this person anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so he's not on the phone right now, so I'm gonna ask you some questions. Are gonna sound harsh.

[Jim]

Okay, sure, of course.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But. But not being mean. Same team. Okay, so you go through with this big charade, this big party. This. You went through basically a fake wedding. Where did you hire a minister and everything. You go through that whole thing?

[Sarah]

Yeah, it went through the whole thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You just never got a marriage license.

[Sarah]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you then went home, deposited it, took the gifts, deposited the money, and then I guess you're gonna go get a marriage license later. And then a couple of days or whatever later, you realized he'd burned through all that cash.

[Sarah]

Yeah. Backstory makes it a little bit easier. It was during COVID So it wasn't quite as easy as it usually is to get a marriage license.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So. So it was. It was delayed. Okay, so you're. You're married in the eyes of the minister and everybody watching, just not. Not legally.

[Sarah]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so you say that you get triggered. Like this thing sets off a whole cascade of a very abusive childhood, and yet you went ahead and kept living there.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have kids?

[Sarah]

We do. We have one child.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you've.

[Jim]

You've.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You've. You've been married this whole time.

[Sarah]

Yeah, exactly. But at the same time, it's. It's kind of this. It feels like this double life because we don't share our finances. I know. You Say that you're supposed to. And I want to. I just. I don't know how to trust this person.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That tells me this wasn't a one time, young knuckleheaded expenditure. That he's continually been non. Not trustworthy. Is that fair?

[Sarah]

Yes. In different ways. I will say since that time he's never done anything. Not that I've really given him the opportunity, but he's never done anything like that financially again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you don't know because you don't even keep up with his money. Yeah, he just Venmo's you for groceries and rent, right?

[Sarah]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. You don't know what he's doing. So. So how else has he been untrustworthy?

[Sarah]

Unfortunately, I. I have caught him like watching porn and stuff like that. And I'd been in a previous relationship with somebody for 10 years and he cheated on me multiple times. And that all kind of started with him watching porn and it kind of escalated from there. So it's been other things as well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long have you all been together?

[Sarah]

Six years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So what's your question? How can I help you?

[Sarah]

I don't know what to do. To be honest.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. I think you exactly know what to do. I think you know what you have to do. And I think that there's still a six year old little girl in there asking herself, daddy, why are you hitting me?

[Sarah]

Yeah, I. I just. To be honest with you, I want this to work. I know. I have a kid now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You also didn't want your dad to be doing that stuff and he did anyway.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is a story that's replayed itself over and over in your life.

[Sarah]

Yeah, I just. To be honest, it still is a problem. Like every dime that I get, I still hoard money just because it's my security blanket. I. I don't know what to do with it. It just sits on a savings account. But I'm scared. I just. I'm tried to be in that situation again and I don't know yet.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're in it. You live in it right now. Yeah, you're in it.

[Sarah]

But I. Financially, I can't. I can't leave and I don't know what to do. And I want to make this work. I want to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know. You keep saying that and I want. I want it to work too. But everything you're telling me behavior is a language. He's not interested in it working or he's his life just fine.

[Sarah]

Yeah. I mean, in some ways things have gotten a lot better. But I Just don't even know how to rebuild that trust. I don't know. You know, I'm scared to try to, you know, join our finances together and to try to trust him and legally tie myself to this person.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me just tell you. Let's get past all of that. You're legally tied to him. Anything else is an illusion in your mind. Unless the common law. Do you all buy a house together?

[Sarah]

I have a house. It's not in his name at all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. If. If y' all share a kid and y' all have been together for six years plus, and y' all went through a marriage ceremony, I can guarantee you on. On the other end of a divorce settlement, he's getting part of that house.

[Sarah]

That's terrifying.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You've. You've created an imaginary world that you think all rules are off because you didn't cross this one threshold, which is go get a marriage certificate.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

In fact, the marriage certificate would have actually made separating one day way easier. Because. Because it's if. People always say, like, I don't need the government to get involved when this doesn't work or if it doesn't work. A divorce, a legal separation, has legal road maps for how to do that. You made a human together. You are bound to this guy forever.

[Sarah]

So what do I do?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think the first thing you got to do is go sit down with a counselor in your local area and say, I'm not okay. If I'm being real honest with you, I don't think you're telling me the full story. I don't think you're okay.

[Sarah]

I'm not okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you safe?

[Sarah]

Yes, I. I am safe.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you're way closer to. To the edge than you project, aren't you?

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Sarah]

And everybody else doesn't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know I've been doing this. I've been having this exact conversation for way, way, way too long. You are teetering over the edge, and you can't go over the edge. You got a little one.

[Sarah]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you can't go over the edge. You want to know really why? Because you're worth not going over the edge.

[Sarah]

Yeah. I think I tried so hard not to end up like my family and my mother, and sure enough, somehow I accidentally ended up in the exact same place.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And you can't change anything about any of those decisions up until today, but you get to decide the very next choice you make. And that should be scary, but also, hopefully, way down in the dark, I hope that lights a tiny little spark. You've Got agency?

[Sarah]

Yeah, I guess I just. I don't know what to do. I. I have been trying to save a little bit of money and put it aside to be able to figure out how to make it on my own, but I just. I don't even know if I can. And to be honest, I'm terrified about that kind of stuff.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What do you mean?

[Sarah]

Well, like, it's just. I don't even know how to move forward. Like, I have wedding pictures hanging on my wall celebrating a marriage that didn't really fully happen. I have a kid that I don't even know how I would explain this to later on. And I have a little bit of money saved that I'm so scared of spending, that I just live like a miser all the time because I'm too afraid to have my childhood all over again.

[Jim]

Okay.

[Sarah]

And I don't want my kid to live like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A couple of things here, all right? Number one, right now, you don't owe anyone any explanation. Your first job is safety. Emotional safety, financial safety, physical safety, sexual safety. That you and your boy are in a safe place. I am not convinced that this guy that you live with is safe.

[Sarah]

Yeah, me neither.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I won't ask you any more questions because I don't want to be invasive. I can hear it in your voice that you don't want to talk about. I won't. Okay, but I don't. I don't. You don't. There's a cadence to somebody that isn't safe. And I've heard it my whole career, and I hear it right now. The first, you don't owe explanations to anybody. If you have a parent or a friend that you can go live with for three months, actually, it's your house. He can leave.

[Sarah]

Easier said than done.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. I know. If he physically unsafe, I want you to call the police if you need to. If he's financially unsafe, you have to sit down with a financial planner. Actually, I work at Ramsey Solutions. I'll hook you up with a free financial coaching session.

[Sarah]

Okay, that would be great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who will just walk through? What's the total? Like, how much do you owe? What's your bills? What do you make? What's a plan? And I'll also hook you up with the Every Dollar app that will connect to your bank so you can track your expenses and start. It'll walk you through how to make a budget and how to stick to some of the stuff and give you some financial security back. Okay.

[Sarah]

That would be wonderful. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm Gonna give you three months for free with my friends at Better Help. But you have to promise me you'll call them today.

[Sarah]

Okay, I promise.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And you'll start seeing a licensed counselor right away. You're going to need to see somebody in your local area because I think your challenges are pretty big, right?

[Sarah]

Yeah. Yeah, you could say that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. But we're going to start today.

[Sarah]

Thank you. I just. I'll be honest. I don't know. I can't. I feel like I can't talk to anybody about it. It's. It's weird and it's embarrassing and it's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on.

[Sarah]

Complicated.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have to trust me and do like. I. I don't lie on the show. Okay. You have to trust me that, that when somebody say this in the right way, your fear of telling somebody something, this idea of being found out, you can pull a thread all the way back to a little girl who had to keep the secret of what was going on inside her house.

[Sarah]

Yeah, I think you're absolutely right. I never thought about it that way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And listen to me. Freedom comes from telling stories, telling the truth. That's where you'll find freedom. And there will be some ramifications on the other side of telling the truth. Okay.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're gonna have to own reality. And if people in your family are like, wait, what? You're not married? No. When? During COVID there was a long wait. And in between us getting married, like getting the official certificate, I found some pretty wild stuff. And so I didn't do it. I was scared. And if the next response isn't, oh, honey, come over, it's, I can't believe you, then they are opting out of your life right now.

[Sarah]

Yeah, I think I'm gonna lose a lot of people that way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I think you're also imagining that.

[Sarah]

You could be right. It's just. You gotta admit, it's a little bizarre.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The whole thing's bizarre. But you know what's not bizarre?

[Sarah]

What?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A grown woman whose own father was super abusive who found herself in one, if not two, adult relationships that weren't safe.

[Sarah]

Yeah, you're absolutely right about that. I'm not very good at picking guys.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, it's. I mean, you can make it a characterist. You can make it like another. Yet another failure in your backpack if you want to. I'm not going to do that. As the great Terry Real says, we often marry our unfinished business and there's going to be a little six year old girl wondering, dad, why are you hitting Me, I'll do better next time and I'm going to do better next time. And when I say go talk to a counselor, it's about finally healing that six year old girl and letting her know it was never your fault and working that stuff out through your body and getting some tools on finances, getting some tools on work and getting some next right steps.

[Sarah]

I just, I'm a stay at home mom. I, I don't know how to, how to do this financially.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, then hang on the line and we're going to start that process. I'll get you some licensed professionals that can walk with you.

[Sarah]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Sarah]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If nobody else says this, I'm going to tell you this. It's going to be hard to stay where you're at and it's going to be hard to make some big changes. I want you to choose the hard path that's going to get you where you, you want to be in three years. Okay?

[Sarah]

I agree. I think you're right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you're worth the work. You're worth every minute of the work. Okay?

[Sarah]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When you don't believe yourself, think back to those words and believe them. You're worth the work. When we come back, we talk to a man whose dad is struggling to respect his sister's decisions to cut off the family. We'll be right back. If you've seen me on stages across the country, speaking at live events, or even the other night when I did a set at a local comedy club, you have seen me wearing poncho shirts. It's cold outside right now, so I can open up the closet and take out my favorite ponchos. Poncho denims and flannels. These are the ones I wear almost every day. The ones I especially love are the Laramie and the Buffalo. Poncho's performance denim has that soft, broken in feel with a little bit of stretch, like you've worn it a thousand times, but it still looks awesome. Poncho flannels come in original or western styles and they're guaranteed to be the softest shirts you own. Somehow they're both durable and comfortable. And poncho shirts come in a slim or regular fit. They're built for real life and they hold up to whatever your day throws at you. When you're shopping for the guys in your life this holiday season, go to ponchooutdoors.com DeLoney Everyone I know is wearing poncho shirts and the men in your life should wear them too. Sign up with your email and you'll get 10 bucks off your first order. That's ponchooutdoors.com DeLoney all right, team, I'm excited to tell you about a brand new sponsor for this show, Cove. Cove is an affordable DIY home security company that has one mission. Help you protect your family for less than a dollar a day. We all see the news. The world is getting chaotic and there's so many fly by night home security companies. Cove is somebody that I trust. Cove cameras stream live video and audio directly to your control panel and your phone so you can see and hear what's happening at your house and in real time. That clarity and control over your home can give you peace of mind. And it's super helpful if you have kids at home so they can see who's at the door without opening it. With COVID you customize your security system through a quick online quiz so you only get what your home actually needs. Setup is super simple. It takes like 30 minutes and you're on your way. This is a great way for you to protect the people you love without breaking the bank. Every Cove system comes with a 60 day risk free trial. Now is the perfect time to get Cove. They are offering an exclusive Black Friday and Cyber Monday sale for my audience. Visit cove smart.com and use my code Deloney at checkout for up to get this 80% off your first order. That's Cove C O V E covesmart.com and use code Deloney at checkout. All right, let's go out to Greenville, South Carolina and talk to J. I am. What's up, Jim?

[Jim]

Hey, Dr. John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up, brother?

[Jim]

Not much. I'm one of the original 18, 17.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh gee, 17. You were the 18th. Very cool.

[Robert]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Jim]

No, so got a question for you that's a little bit of backstory. My sister, oldest sister, the fourth of eight kids, about a year ago decided that she wanted nothing to do with my parents and the her, you know, the older four of us kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How come? What happened?

[Jim]

Well, it's kind of confusing for us to be honest, but it comes from she's had a very hard life with health and medical issues which got her going down a route of looking for answers about why her life is the way it is. I think, I mean, this is fundamental attribution error probably, but she came across CPTSD and concluded that she had it and then tried to backfill the, you know, the past trauma. And what was the past trauma for her? She said it was neglect by my parents because My parents had so many kids. That's what she's told us. And then she asked us did we experience anything? And all of us said, not really. And that was it for us. She felt like we weren't supporting her and wasn't really in a. You know, and because we weren't supporting her, which just doesn't want to talk to us anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're on the other team, so you're not on my team, so you're dead to me.

[Jim]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, so. So how can I help? I hate that for y'.

[Sarah]

All.

[Jim]

Yeah. So my. So she made a decision to not talk to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How is she. How old is she?

[Jim]

39.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Kelly]

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. So, yeah, how can I help you right now?

[Jim]

So her. My dad is still trying to reach out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Jim]

And recently call her anonymously, block number and all that stuff has sent some texts, and they're not like. It's like a text once, maybe twice a month to a full. To the family chat. Chat, which she is part of. And it just came to head with this call. We told my. We told my parents, look, we're not going to respond to any of these family chats that have her on it. We're going to start our own chat and respond that way without her, because she's asked us not to reach out to her. She rightfully thought this was very creepy. She had to. You know, she called the police, and the police called my dad. And now I'm trying to figure out how I can help my dad. Respect that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can't.

[Jim]

And not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can't.

[Jim]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is his daughter. I know it's his daughter.

[Jim]

I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I, as the daughter of a. Of a nine and a half year old, I'd go to the ends of the earth for her. And I don't know what I would do if she created a story that made me the chief villain. So much so that she wouldn't talk to me or her siblings. I'd like to say on this side of it, I would respect her willingness, her decision to cut me off. I could tell you I wouldn't be able to breathe. And I could also tell you I would hope that I would leave a trail that let her know that I love her and she could always come home. And I also know that, yeah, harassment. It's officially harassment when somebody puts in writing, do not contact me, and you contact them. So I know I'm committing a crime. I. I just. I can't. I can't even put myself in the hell your dad's in. I can tell you that kids rarely change their parents mind. They might influence behavior. The only thing I could tell you to do is be to sit with your dad in person and just say, dad, I think it's time for us to be sad for a while because I miss my sister and I know you miss your daughter.

[Jim]

Yeah, I mean, I do. And I mean, it's not been easy on any of us either.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. And there's no way to. It sounds like there's no way to make sense of it.

[Jim]

No, I mean it literally. We just started realizing, hey, she's not responding to any of our texts. And then.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, hold on, but listen, what you're doing, I want you to be very careful what you're doing. You're going to start replaying it over and over and you're going to make yourself insane because you're going to start looking for things you might have said, things you might have done. What if I had done this? How about this? And most people try to find a rational solution to an irrational act and one doesn't exist. It's easier to blame yourself, I should have done this. I could have done this. What if dad had done that than it is to exhale and say, somebody I love and care for made up a story about me and cut us.

[Robert]

Off.

[Jim]

Man.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just hurts.

[Jim]

Yeah. Would it be. Well, I'm convinced that the only, like you said, the. The way back to relationship, if there can be one, is respecting her and just leaving the trail and saying, you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Know, I think the greatest thing you could do for your dad is to say, dad, I know how. I can't even imagine how hard this is. If you have a daughter, you can speak to it. I know, but if you don't. But it's saying, I don't want to see my father go to jail. And right now, the greatest way you can love your daughter is to give her space. And the only hope is, and this sounds awful to say it this way, is that now that she's cut off what she thinks is the source of her misery, she's going to find out that wherever she goes, she goes with her. And my hope is that she realizes in short order, oh, that wasn't the solution. Healing. That was actually part of the answer. That's the hope.

[Jim]

My dad is part of a faith community where, you know, we're Christians. Would it be. I thought about just going and reaching out to one of his pastors.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Call your dad.

[Jim]

Yeah, call your dad. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or better yet, go visit him in Person.

[Jim]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here, can I. Can I give you some. Some side wisdom here? Just off to the side?

[Sarah]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To be very hard for you to hear.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There are often secrets that even siblings don't know.

[Jim]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so what I would caution you on is fully creating another story. The truth is, you don't know.

[Jim]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She's the oldest kid. You don't know what happened, what didn't happen, what was actually said. What spirit. You don't know.

[Jim]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What you do know of is your heartbreak. You know that you're sad. You know that your dad is heartbroken. And your dad just got visited by the police saying, do not harass this other adult. It's a mess. It's a mess. My hope is your sister finds the piece that she's looking for. Hope she finds it back with you all. But I hope she finds peace. And I hope that your dad is able to exhale through this, and if he has some skeletons in the closet, I hope he's honest and truth and forthright full about him. And if he's not, I hope he rallies around you and your other siblings and finds some sort of peace, if you will, knowing that my daughter's out there and she won't have me, she won't talk to me. I just can't imagine that kind of pain. I love my daughter more than life itself. So I wish you guys peace, man. I wish you guys peace. These things here, here's my framework. Facts are your friends. We're going to choose reality here. We're going to do the next right thing, and we're going to figure out what's the best way that I can love you through action. And even if that means not calling you, and as a dad, I can tell you that'd be the hardest thing I can imagine doing, is knowing my daughter's out there somewhere and I can't reach out to tell her I love her. That'd be a nightmare. Wish you guys the best, brother. Thanks for calling. We come back, we talk to a young father who is at odds with his wife on whether to give his daughter ADHD medication. Be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. All right. This time of year can be tough for all of us, so I want you to make sure that you check on your friends, check on your loved ones, and reconnect with people that maybe you haven't talked to in a while. I recently called one of my childhood friends just to say, hey, I'm thinking about you. How are you doing? And we ended up having A great conversation. That was hard, but we also laughed a little bit too. And just like it can take a little bit of courage to send that message or grab coffee with somebody that you haven't seen in a while. Reaching out for therapy. Reaching out to somebody who can sit with you and hold space for heavy, hard conversations, that can feel hard too. But it's worth it. If you want to try therapy, call my friends at Better help. With over 30,000 therapists, they're the largest online therapy provider in the world. They've served over 5 million people globally and they have an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. It's totally online, so it's easy to fit into your schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who will fit your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. This month, don't wait to reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend, checking in on a family member, or reaching out for a therapist, Better Help makes it easier to take that first step. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. HP.com DeLoney all right, let's go to Dallas, Texas, home of the failing Cowboys and Robert. What's up, Robert?

[Robert]

How you doing, sir?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing all right, brother. What's going on with you?

[Sarah]

Pretty.

[Robert]

We're doing pretty good, but kind of my question is, so my 7 year old daughter is very much ADHD.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does that mean? What does that mean?

[Robert]

Oh, she has trouble concentrating in class some days and is pretty much at 300 miles an hour, 26 hours of the day. She is always constantly going, but during school time she has trouble with sitting. Stand. She wants to stand all the time. Then she'll sit and be walking around the classroom. And so it does disrupt the classroom pretty regularly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you had her tested?

[Robert]

We have had her tested. We tested her at 5 and they were unable to complete the test because they. She couldn't concentrate long enough.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, she's seven now.

[Robert]

She's seven now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Don't do anything until you get her reevaluated.

[Jim]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And here my first flag is not always, but often ADHD is expressed in young girls through a what I would call a neutral shutting down. And she's expressing this in a way that's typical of young boys. That is, that, is that all that comes it with in a bell curve of some sort. So that doesn't mean anything other than there may be something else going on here.

[Robert]

Yeah. And she has, she does have a rare food allergy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Robert]

That started at, at birth.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's the allergy with?

[Robert]

It's called F. Pies.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Robert]

Have you heard of that one?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I have not.

[Robert]

What is, is food Protein induced endocolitis syndrome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Robert]

Hers is actually the protein, the protein chains in the food that she's allergic to. Once it hits the gut, the gut thinks that she has an infection.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Robert]

And it can turn into septus. And so she has had a lot of, I mean, her first nine months, we had almost 80 doctor appointments in the first nine months.

[Jim]

Wow.

[Robert]

So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wow.

[Robert]

Okay. And it dropped down to about 60 for the next calendar year, basically. So it's been a very long struggle. First 18 months were bottle feed only every two hours.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

60 appointments. That means you are going once or twice a week.

[Robert]

Yeah. For her, she, she was not on the growth chart until she hit six months old. She hit the growth. She had 1% at six months old.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So do you have like a care network liaison, a social worker, somebody that's leading the charge on? Because this, this like a complex matrix of things from diet to nutrition to physical health.

[Robert]

Yeah. She does actually have a specialist. And we have gotten lucky. At about five years old, she has almost cleared all the foods that she was allergic to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wonderful.

[Robert]

She's outgrown a lot. Outgrown all of it. There's still a couple of them that we haven't tried, but they are minor foods that aren't really used all the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so that's great news.

[Jim]

Yeah.

[Robert]

And she's now she's 97th percentile in height and weight.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wonderful. Great, great news, man. That's awesome. I have a, a, an allergy is too light of. I have a rage inside of me. Let me put it that way. I get angry only because part of my job for 20 years was dealing with ADA 504 kids with accommodations.

[Kelly]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who were somehow challenged in a traditional learning environment. And the folks that went through and got kids the right testing, the right support that sometimes include pharmacological intervention. I'm not against medicine. I've taken anxiety medicine, saved my life. I'm not opposed to it. What I am opposed to is teachers, administrators or parents looking at a cluster of symptoms, googling it, self diagnosing and then chasing down some doctor somewhere. And you'll find one that'll write you a script for it, right?

[Jim]

Yeah.

[Robert]

And luckily we've been working with our pediatrician and at 2 years old, we started having the conversation with our pediatrician about it because we're kind of seeing the signs then. And she said, hold off until she's five and then have her tested at five. But we also found out at five that she has. They called it primitive reflexes, hadn't released when she was five. And so she did two years of occupational therapy and she finally met all of her goals for that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Excellent. And so I, I. Part of me wonders what two more years of occupational therapy would. Would do. Part of me wonders is her outburst because she's in an unsafe classroom where kids are picking on her because she's a little bit different or the teacher doesn't know how to handle it. Part of me wonders if there's additional allergies that are expressing themselves in different ways as she gets old. Like, you see what I'm saying? So there's a lot of questions I would have right before I just jump to. And let me also be compassionate. I have sat with these families. I've sat with kids K K through 5, and I've sat with high school kids upset with university students who, because they have behavioral outbursts in classrooms, they're ostracized socially and every day is just a failure factory.

[Robert]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I, I get how frustrating and hard it is to see your kids struggling so much all the time. Man. I honor that. And it's so much so I just want the right professionals to sit down with your kid. And if this, this. If you're in a public school there in Dallas, then they've got to take care of the testing and.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert]

And our school does a great, absolutely great job with it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. Great. That makes my heart feel so big. Awesome.

[Robert]

Because we're also starting to look at. She's still a little bit young, but as we get past the, like in January, they're going to look at. Because there's also possible dyslexia, too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. You got it.

[Robert]

And so, so we're.

[Sarah]

We.

[Robert]

Unfortunately, we are. I would almost sit there and say we're sometimes too involved, but we stay on top of a lot of stuff.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. And, man, it sounds like you've got a lot of hats to wear. Let me challenge you to do this. Find ways. And this is going to be with you and your wife. Find ways every single day to make sure that you put both hands on your daughter's face and find one or two or three things to celebrate about her. Okay.

[Robert]

Okay. Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Otherwise, she's gonna get a meta narrative that she is broken and it could be that she's amazing. She just doesn't fit in a traditional structure.

[Jim]

Right.

[Robert]

And that's something that we have been battling with because she does. She is extremely critical of herself and harder hard on herself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And she's probably parroting what some of her classmates say about her frustrations. The adults in her life.

[Robert]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Experience with her. And here's an example. I sat down with my daughter as a few years ago now and I said, hey, I need to have a very serious, almost grown up conversation. Can you do that? And she stood up big and tall and she's like, yes, what is it, dad? And I said, you got mostly my brain. And she said, what do you mean? And I, and I laid it out because I've got some challenges with ocd. I've got some challenges with adhd. I've got some challenges anxiety. I laid it out and I also said, so we have to pay extra attention to how big our feelings are. We have to pay extra attention to our actions. And this makes us incredibly more than anybody else able to feel other people who are hurting. And so the world needs folks like us to go help. And that lit her up like a Christmas tree. And so you can do a quick chat GPT or a quick Google of entrepreneurs with dyslexia. You can do a quick chat GBT or whatever of people who are out there in the world making a difference, who also have childhood and, or adult adhd. And what we want our kids to know is you've got some struggles in this traditional set of train tracks that all kids have to ride on. But also you have some superpowers.

[Robert]

Yeah. And my wife actually started doing that at bedtime to where she'll pull up someone that has like, she type in like famous people that have adhd. And like one of the persons was Albert Einstein.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Robert]

And so they kind of do like a little five minute video or audio thing just talking about Albert Einstein or other people. That's something that we just started doing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Very cool. But that has to be coupled with not other people. It has to be coupled with. Because here's the thing, she's not Albert Einstein. Right?

[Robert]

Correct. And she's smart, but not right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But what, what can happen is if she's failing in traditional academics, even though she's really smart, and she's failing in social engagement because she just sees the world and experiences it either more heavy or more sped up or more slowed down. And then someone says, well, look, Albert Einstein has the same thing you have. And she realizes she's not Albert Einstein. It. It weirdly contributes to, oh, I'm not enough.

[Robert]

Right. And luckily, academically, she isn't struggling.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Robert]

Where she struggles is because the teacher will tell it one time and she completely understands it and now is bored.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. Yeah.

[Robert]

And so awesome. That's where we. That's where we struggle. It's more the social engagement.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, and that's where a lot of. Especially at young kids. I'm glad you said this. Sometimes what comes across as ADHD is kids are bored out of their minds. And sometimes some extra support, extra challenge. I know of young kids who get pulled out of a traditional class and they've. They're taken into an enrichment class for. With art or music or creative writing or solving intense math problems. Right. But it can be a way to stimulate a kid who is just bored to death. All that's to say is this. Here's the deal. You sounds like you and your wife are doing an amazing job staying on top of this. I don't want to go down any pharmacological route. I don't want to go get my kid medicine. Not sound like a nerd. I don't want to get my kids medicine until I have met with a clinician who has done the testing and can sit with us and confirm. And then even then I might say, are there non medicinal approaches? Are there non pharmacological approaches to this? Are there some steps we can try and to intervene with before we go here? And then if the physician says, hey, given the full context of your kid, if this was my child, and I always ask, I'll ask every doctor I have, what if this is you or your kid? Then my child, this is what I would do for this period of time. And here's the protocol I would use. And if you don't have peace or trust the doctor, then I'd go get another one. But don't Google it. Don't go down YouTube for diagnostics and interventions. That's where. That's where we've all landed, is everybody's. Never mind. I'm gonna go to that rabbit hole, man. Your daughter's so lucky to have you and your wife in her life. Robert. I'm. I'm grateful for you. Get that testing done before you make any next decisions. And then partner with a doctor and ask the question, if this was your child, what would the next move be? Get the academic testing done, get the ADHD testing done. And it could be any number of things going on. And I want to get a full Picture before I start altering my child's chemistry. And if that's what's necessary, I'm all in. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. I've never talked about this on my show ever before, but I love my dogs. Right now I've got three dogs. I've had dogs my whole life. I had my ride or die dog in college, the dog I got when I got married. And like I said, now I've got a house full of three dogs. And we've got turtles, snakes, we got all kinds of pets at our house. And when you have kids and tons of pets, you're going to need pet care. And if you're like me and you love your pets, you have found yourself trying to find a vet in the middle of the night, spending all day trying to find vets for regular care and it's impossible to get an appointment. And all any of us want is just some information and care from people we trust for our pets. And this is why I love Dutch. Dutch is the leading pet telehealth service that gives you 24,7 access to licensed vets anytime, anywhere. Dutch can treat over 150 common pet conditions, giving you expert care in minutes with no waiting rooms and no long waits to get in. That's amazing. With a 10 minute call from your home, you can be on your way to a treatment plan. The Dutch membership covers up to five pets. You get unlimited visits, unlimited follow ups and prescriptions shipped free. And with my coach code, all of that is less than seven bucks a month. The average pet owner saves over $800 a year with Dutch. If you have ever felt helpless trying to get care for your beloved pet, Dutch gives you the peace of mind you've been looking for. Go to Dutch.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get $50 off a year of vet care. Again, that's Dutch.com DeLoney use code DeLoney. Go love your pets. All right, Kelly, am I the problem?

[Kelly]

All right, so this is from Heather in Osceola, Indiana.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

By the way, cool camo shirt.

[Kelly]

Well, it's camo Thursday here at the.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Office and never heard of that before.

[Kelly]

Yeah, I have two pieces of camo and I just alternate weeks.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I guess you're going as night Ben. Everyone would know I'm a poser if I did game on Thursday. That's fair.

[Kelly]

We all think that anyway. But whatever.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I thought you were shouting out because deer season opens on Saturday. I thought you were like being one of the team.

[Kelly]

Yeah, that's it. And like it's black camo at what world? I don't even know where this is. Like I'm camo at a goth club or what?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. If you're night woods hunting, duh. I don't know.

[Kelly]

Yeah. No. Anywho, Heather from Osceola, Indiana writes, my husband and I have been together for 15 years. My house being clean is my happy place. We've had multiple discussions about him respecting that and helping keep the house clean. I've given up on him helping around the house. I'm just asking for him not to contribute to the mess at this point. We already have six and four year old boys, yet I constantly find his shoes next to the shoe place at the door and his clothes next to the hamper in our bedroom and all of his stuff dumped all over where he drops it. These are just a few examples. When I bring up how upset it makes me, he says he doesn't even think about it. Is that even possible? After 15 years of me complaining about the same behavior, why does he still do this? Or does he just not care enough about my feelings and he needs to put in the effort? Am I the problem for expecting him to care about my need for a clean house?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, it's your problem. I'm just kidding. It's not. Kelly gave me a mean her camo. Kelly, look, I read that last sentence again because I think this is the problem with that email.

[Kelly]

Am I the problem for expecting him to care about my need for a clean house?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's the problem. Them you have identified this in the same breath of oxygen, food and water. This isn't a need. This is a thing that you really want. And it's. There's something underneath this, which is this is how I feel with a clean house. This is what a clean house means to me. And it's getting to that conversation. To answer the question, absolutely, this is a pro problem I have. I'll walk through a house I won't see, won't. I wouldn't even occur to me that there's stuff laying there on the floor until there's a ton of it and then I see it everywhere and then I freak out and I. So yes, he can walk through the house and it could be that he is drives up to to the house and he's like, put your phone away and go love your wife. Put your phone away and go love your wife. Go love and be present with the kids those boys have been running running her ragged. I'm gonna go be with those boys. And he Kicks his shoes off real fast and goes to do the thing that he think. Right. So I guess what I would say is a, he needs to suck it up and be a grown man and clean up after himself. It's ridiculous. And there is a sense of compassion. You all are talking past each other right now. And so getting to the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing. He can't say, I just don't see it. Okay, well, now I'm telling you, you got to figure out a way to see it. Okay. I've been there. And when you saw around the word need, man, that's. That creates unnecessary burden around this conversation. I want a clean house. It means something to me. And it may be I want it so much that I'm going to do a little extra work. I'm asking you not to. Not to actively destroy it. That's a fair request. You're not the problem. And he needs to be a grown man that loves his wife. Right. So it's both. And in this situation. But I think clearing this here's what I promise you, Kelly, there's more to this story. There's other things he's not attentive to. And there's other things that she wishes or she says, I need you, too. And I need you, too. And I need you, too. That need to be addressed here. That's just the truth of it. But for 15 years, brother needs to get over himself and participate in his household. That's the other side of that.

[Kelly]

We deal with this at our house because I am a drill sergeant and my husband is more like you. He likes things out and on display.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

And it wasn't until I finally told him, because I did that for years, instead of saying why, it was just a gripe about it. Pick up your stuff. Pick up your stuff. Don't do that. Don't do that. And until I finally explained, I feel unsettled. And I don't feel like I can relax in my own home when things are a mess. And then he was like, oh, he didn't want to make me feel unsettled and wanted me to be able to relax in our home because that benefits him if I'm more relaxed. And then he started.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It benefits all of us when you're more relaxed.

[Kelly]

Yes, it does. But he started making changes in the way he did things. And I have certain areas of the house I know that y' all do, too, where I don't complain about his office. As long as the door can shut, I don't complain. And I Go in there, and I break out in hives, but I don't go in there. But that idea, I had to finally tell him what it made me feel and how unsettled it made me feel. And I knew that some of that came from my mother. Like, you didn't leave a dish in the sink at all. And I've relaxed on a lot of that. But he knew that that caused some emotions in me when things weren't put away. And so, you know, we had to come to some compromise. But, yeah, instead of just griping about it, letting him know how it made me feel and how he could help me feel more comfortable in our own home helped a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'll tell you, on the other side of this equation, a note that I used to have in my car all the time, a note they used to have by my bed was the phrase, don't forget to remember. And what I meant by that is, I would get out of my car, and I wouldn't even see the trash or the. Or the cups. I just get out of the car and run into the house because I'm on to the next thing. And I would see this little note that said, don't forget to remember how good it feels to get into a clean car. And I would stop, and I'd literally look around and be like, oh, man, there's three cups in here and some trash in my bag and whatever. And I would put that by the corner of my bed. Don't forget to remember how good it feels to get into a bed at night. With the bed is when the bed is made and your nightstand doesn't have 75 books piled up all over it. And so that phrase don't forget to remember was the key for me to change being on time. I don't do that here, but at my house and keeping stuff picked up and it just helped me walk into a space and be able to see all that stuff. Otherwise, I just get lost in my head in the next fun thing I'm on to and. Or the next crazy adventure I'm on to, and I just miss it. So there you go. Thank you so, so much for being in our. Being on the show, in the show with this show. And, Kelly, thanks for hiding your. The top half from us. Except for just, like, two floating half arms in there. It's terrifying. Terrifying. I just felt you flip me off in your. In your mind. I felt burns, Kelly. It burns.