Should We Let Our 13-Year-Old Daughter Date?

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show – Episode Summary

Episode Title: Should We Let Our 13-Year-Old Daughter Date?
Podcast/Host: The Dr. John Delony Show / Ramsey Network
Date: January 5, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show dives deep into real-life family and relationship dilemmas, centering on tough parenting and marriage questions. Dr. John helps three callers:

1. A dad struggling to find common ground with his wife about their 13-year-old daughter's dating life.
2. A mom seeking to break the generational cycle of codependency with her teenage son.
3. A parent wrestling with how to share her child’s autism diagnosis with a difficult, blame-prone mother.

Throughout, Dr. John’s advice is practical, compassionate, and rooted in direct experience. He challenges his callers to confront hard truths, protect their children, and build healthier boundaries and family systems.

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Segment 1: Should a 13-Year-Old Date a 16-Year-Old? (00:05 – 16:59)

Main Issues Raised

• Caller: George, from Birmingham, Alabama
• Problem: George and his wife are divided over whether it’s appropriate for their 13-year-old daughter to date a 16-year-old boy. George is opposed; his wife is open if “boundaries are set.”
• The disagreement extends beyond parenting; their marriage has deeper conflicts: money, sex, emotional connection, and upbringing differences.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Dr. John quickly voices strong concern about the age gap and the appropriateness of dating at 13.
• The conversation uncovers marriage issues: George’s wife feels controlled; George sees his wife reliving her troubled adolescence through their daughter.
• Dr. John notes, “your teenage daughter is going to be the proxy war that your marriage is.” (10:35) The parenting dispute masks deeper marital disconnects.
• He stresses the need to co-create a world where both parents feel seen and can challenge each other constructively.
• Dr. John’s practical stance is unwavering: “There’s no chance, no way, in any shape, form or fashion would I let my 13 year old... date a 16 year old... period, end of story.” (12:55)
• He advocates clear, shared rules: group activities with peers are OK, but no one-on-one dating for 13-year-olds.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. John (01:58): “What does that even mean? Good God.”
• Dr. John (10:35): “My 30,000 foot concern here is that your teenage daughter is going to be the proxy war that your marriage is. That’s because she’s going to become the battlefield that you fight for your marriage upon.”
• Dr. John (12:55): “There’s no chance, no way, in any shape, form or fashion would I let my 13 year old... date a 16 year old... period, end of story, point blank.”
• Dr. John (15:11): “If parenting is trying to avoid a teenager not being mad at you... what a scary place for that teenager to find themselves.”

Important Timestamps

• 00:05 — Caller introduces the dating problem
• 03:06 — Dr. John steps back to discuss underlying marriage dynamics
• 10:35 — The daughter as “proxy war” within the marriage
• 12:55 — Dr. John’s definitive stance against 13/16-year-old dating
• 15:03 — Discussion of teamwork in parenting and why being united is necessary

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Segment 2: Breaking Codependency with a Teen Son (20:09 – 35:47)

Main Issues Raised

• Caller: Brooke, Toronto, Ontario
• Problem: Brooke wants to end the cycle of codependency with her almost 16-year-old son, providing stability but not enmeshment.
• Her history includes a traumatic divorce, strained relationship with her own parents, and guilt surrounding her kids' disrupted home.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Dr. John affirms the caller’s ability to create change: “You told me the word I can’t. And I think I believe in you already more than you believe in yourself.” (22:41)
• He normalizes Brooke’s survival choices—she clung to her oldest son for safety when her support system collapsed.
• He emphasizes the need for “adult relationships” so her son is not her emotional crutch.
• Offers hands-on advice:
  1. Write a letter to her past self—thanking and forgiving herself for her bravery in leaving an abusive marriage. (30:22)
  2. Read the letter aloud to her son and new husband, owning past survival behaviors and apologizing for unfairly burdening her son.
  3. Intentionally build new friendships so emotional needs aren’t solely met by children or spouse.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. John (22:41): “I think I believe in you already more than you believe in yourself.”
• Dr. John (25:55): “I never, ever, ever, ever, ever sit in judgment of somebody trying to survive.”
• Dr. John (31:51): “Thank you for keeping me and my kids safe. Thank you for doing the scariest, loneliest, most terrifying thing ever. Because that woman’s a hero.”
• Dr. John (33:02): “I want you to look at your 15, 16 year old son and say, I'm sorry.”

Important Timestamps

• 20:09 — Brooke introduces her codependency concerns
• 22:41 — Dr. John challenges her use of “I can’t”
• 25:55 — Emphasizing compassion for survival mode
• 30:22 — Writing a letter of gratitude to her past self
• 33:02 — Apologizing to her son, committing to change
• 34:57 — The importance of new adult friendships for healing

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Segment 3: How to Tell a Blame-Prone Parent About Child’s Autism (40:00 – 53:45)

Main Issues Raised

• Caller: Sam, Spokane, WA
• Problem: Sam is anxious about telling her conspiracy-minded mother that her 4-year-old son has been diagnosed with autism, fearing blame and judgment.
• She’s navigating her need for parental support and the reality that her mother’s response is unlikely to be comforting.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Dr. John’s core message: “You can’t do anything to change your mom’s response.” (40:33)
• Validates Sam’s grief, frustration, and legitimate need for a supportive mother.
• Urges radical acceptance: “For whatever it’s worth, you don’t have an obligation to keep [putting your hand back in the bag that you know has a rattlesnake in it].” (45:34)
• Encourages Sam to seek community and support elsewhere and, if needed, have a direct conversation with her father to step up his support.
• Advises defining boundaries after clarifying with her husband what they want their home to feel like.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. John (40:33): “You can’t do anything to change your mom’s response.”
• Dr. John (45:34): “For whatever it’s worth, you don’t have an obligation to keep doing that.”
• Dr. John (46:27): “This is how family systems change, because one person says, I’m not going to do it anymore. But that also means you have to turn and face the fire of your family system.”
• Dr. John (44:15): “What I need right now in this moment is my mom.”
• Dr. John (52:18): “I want y’all to plant gardens inside these [boundary] walls before you build them on your land.”

Important Timestamps

• 40:00 — Sam presents her dilemma
• 40:33 — Dr. John explains the limits of control over others’ responses
• 44:15 — How to clearly state emotional needs to her mother
• 45:34 — Right to walk away from unhelpful patterns
• 46:27 — The challenge and necessity of family system change
• 52:08 — The importance of intentionally shaping a home environment before boundary setting

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Dr. John’s Closing Reflections (Final segment)

• Challenges listeners to anchor New Year’s goals to a “who do we want to be?” family identity, not just tasks or metrics.
• Encourages reflection, honest self-assessment, and building goals around values.

Notable Quote:

• Dr. John: “All a brand is, is who you are when you’re not in the room. How do people experience you when you’re not around?” (After 53:45)

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Key Takeaways

• Parenting and Marriage: United, intentional parenting is essential. Never outsource marital conflict onto children. Set age-appropriate boundaries for kids’ relationships, and don’t fear adolescent anger as part of healthy development.
• Breaking Patterns: Recognize survival behaviors as responses to trauma—not personal or parental failings. Healing requires adult support systems, direct communication, and personal accountability.
• Family Boundaries: You can’t control others’ responses, but you can define your boundaries and design your home environment to be compassionate and supportive. Direct, non-manipulative requests for support help clarify needs.

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Final Thoughts

Dr. John expertly steers callers through emotionally fraught territory, offering direct, actionable advice while deeply empathizing with their pain and confusion. The episode’s ultimate message: take personal ownership, foster open communication, find adult allies, and be brave enough to set new patterns—even when it’s hard.

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For listeners:
If you face similar challenges—parenting, codependency, setting boundaries, or navigating family conflict—this episode offers wisdom and permission to seek a new, healthier path.

Transcript

[George]

My wife and I are on separate pages when it comes to what we allow in our daughter's life. She's 13 and my wife feels like it's okay for a 16 year old boy to pursue her and want to be with her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And want to be with her. What does that even mean? What in the world's going on? What's going on? This is John with another Dr. John DeLoney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee. I'm a real guy with a real family trying to figure it out along with the rest of you. For the last two decades plus, I've been sitting with hurting people as they try to figure out what's the next right move. And I'm glad that you've joined us. That's what this show is. It's real. People calling in from all over the planet talking about what's going on in their life and their marriages and their mental emotional health, relationships with their kids, whatever they got going on. Pull up a seat. We figure out what's the next right move. Thanks for joining us. Let's go out to Birmingham, Alabama and talk to Jorge. What's up, George?

[George]

Hey, how you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good, brother. How about you, man?

[George]

I'm pretty good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's going on, dude?

[George]

Yeah, I have a question, by the way. Huge fan. Thank you for the work that you do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I appreciate that.

[George]

Thank you so much. My wife and I are on separate pages when it comes to what we allow in our daughter's life. For example, the biggest thing right now is who she's able to, who she's able to date. She's 13 and whoa. My wife, my. Yeah, my wife feels like it's okay for a 16 year old boy to pursue her and want to be with her and vice versa and want to be with her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does that even mean? Good God.

[George]

Yeah, like, you know, whatever boyfriend and girlfriend looks like these days. And, and so she feels like it could be really good with the boundaries set, allowing her to experience life. And I come from, I still think that she's period, too young to be having a boyfriend, let alone somebody that's three years older. And it doesn't matter how much I try to partner with her on this, it always turns into a huge fight, something that we can never see eye to eye on. And then I'm always ending up to be the bad guy. And so I don't know how to approach this conversation. Our upbrings were very different. You know, I had a little longer leash and now I'm because of My experiences. I'm saying, hey, I think we need to keep this closer to Jess, where she was in a much more controlled environment and wasn't allowed to do a whole lot. And so she wants to let that leash out a little bit further. So I would love your expertise in this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I've got some. About the specifics, man. I've got some really firm thoughts, but I want to back out because I think this is an important issue and I'm going to address it head on. Comes to 13 year olds dating, especially dating 16 year olds. If you're watching this, you could have seen my face when you were, when you were laying it out for me. But I want to back out a little bit. Okay. Where else are y' all at odds in your marriage? Exactly. That's what I thought. That's what I thought. Tell me about that.

[George]

I don't know if you have enough time. The last, the last five years. About five years ago, she had mentioned. Well, not mentioned, but she told me that, you know, she was done in the marriage for a lot, for quite a few reasons. And so through the last five years, just been. She hasn't left, thank the Lord. She's still part of this family. We're trying to work things out. More recently, she's had some revelation in that area. And, well, let's just say we're both on different thought processes on how much childhood plays into present day. And I'm a firm believer that our childhood has a huge role in who we are and how we operate. And so just knowing a lot of her childhood, I believe is playing a big role in even how she's approaching her daughter's relationship. You know, she didn't have a very great relationship with her parents growing up, especially her mom. So she's always dreamed having this amazing, like, friendship, parenting relationship with her daughter.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yikes. So where. Where are y' all two struggling? Everywhere.

[George]

Yeah, I mean, we.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me be concrete because I'm throwing amorphous things at you. Are you on the same page with how you all spend money?

[George]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you all on the same page with your sex life?

[George]

Oh, no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you on the same page with. When she walks in the door, your shoulders drop because you're glad she's home and vice versa.

[George]

I am, Yeah. I think I. I do see that changing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[George]

Somewhat. It's like I said, I don't. There's not enough time on this. Like, it's really hard because to be. To be very honest.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, let's put it out there, man.

[George]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I get 100 that you love your wife. Nothing you say is going to change that, but also an own reality of the situation you're in right now. Okay.

[George]

And I, and I had like, and I've five years of counseling, seeing multiple therapists and you know, just really lots of books, podcasts, just really. That's why I'm a huge fan of the show. There's so much that I have learn and continue to learn. My faith is a huge part of also how I lead my family and how I love my wife. All that to say with boundaries. Right. And so, you know, I, what I am seeing really is this 15 year old girl that's trapped. Whatever, whatever has triggered that over the last several years. And I don't think it's just been the last five. I think it's been for many more years than that because it wasn't. That girl was never able to grow up or experience or whatever. I see a lot of that like just continue to come out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so she's, she's re experiencing it because she has.

[George]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A daughter in the house. Right?

[George]

Yeah. And doing that with my daughter. And so there's like, even when it comes to dating and being with these guys, those, those boundaries that control that put in place there, you see a lot of her kind of living through that. Whether, I mean she would never agree to that statement, but really that's, that's what's happening. And even when we have those conversations about my daughter and this as an example, you see a lot of that teenager fight with the parent. You know, it's, it's, it's very much there. And so I also recognize that that's also at play. I have, we have other children in the home as well. And, and so like I said, there's just a lot of things that I've had to work through. And so recently she went on this trip conference, came back with some new revelation about just where she's at and where some of this has come from. And you know, some of the things have been about looking at me being too controlling or too manipulative or too emotionally abusive or whatever. And I know a lot of that comes from that lens as well, but with that she's recognizing that man, I have played a part in that, that I'm, that I'm not a victim. Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That I, she has, she has played a part in co creating the house she lives in.

[George]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And when you grow up, like it sounds like she did and obviously I want to be respectful because she's not on the phone, but with how you're telling her story. Any, any instance of you stepping in to be supportive, to create values in your house, to make wise choices. If her lens, if the glasses she is experiencing her life in and seeing her life unfold as an adult with a, with a young girl in her home, then you become her dad. So everything that you do is tinged with trying to control, not love, trying to emotionally abusive, not holding boundaries. Right. So it can be a lens that she experiences everything through.

[George]

Yeah. I'm not, I'm not removed from fault.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're not perfect.

[George]

Very sarcastic guy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. Of course.

[George]

And I've learned, you know, God brought her into my life to teach me how to let some of that go. I totally get that. But that lens is still very much the reality. And, and so like with this particular instance, anytime I raise my hand, I've tried different approaches rather than just a hard no looking at partnership and really trying to get her to see that. And the problem is, is like when I, when I go to people get opinions, you know, I throw a situation out there. I feel like those conversations are being brought before mature adults that have worked through life, that maybe have been parents before therapists or whatever. Well, she says the same thing and it's hard for me. I know that that's not true. And even if it is true, the people she's talking to obviously have not walked through that or they are not of the same mindset.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. Well, my, my 30, 000 foot concern here is that your teenage daughter is going to be the proxy war that your marriage is. That's because she's going to become the battlefield that you fight for your marriage upon.

[George]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And she can't carry that weight.

[George]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so the deeper, harder conversation, which sounds like you've been wrestling with for half a decade or more, is how do we co create a world where we're both seen and we're both known and we're both celebrated on a regular basis. And those things provide an opportunity for us to challenge each other.

[George]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that has to be the focus here. And I get obviously like, I mean, I take calls from all over the planet. I was just on the phone with business leaders doing marriage coaching behind closed door. Like I get that also. That's not how it works. Right.

[George]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's one spouse that's in a different path. Right. In a different part of their, their, their life. Re experiencing things, trying to recorrect things through their, their kids or through their work or through Their sex, whatever it is, and it becomes just a mess. So I, I get the pickle you're in. And I also have some compassion for your wife saying I, I think the way to stop, I can imagine her feeling in her nervous system. The way for me to change, change my family tree is to simply bulldoze every boundary that I felt hemmed in by as a child. The problem is Yalls daughter is going to be a casualty of that. And so with, with no hesitation, like with no quiver or doubt in my mind, after spending my entire career working with teenagers and their parents and having a 15 year old and a 9 year old in my house, there's no chance, no way, in any shape, form or fashion would I let my 13 year old son date a 16 year old girl or let my 13 year old daughter date a 16 year old boy. No chance, no how, no way. It's not fair to the 16 year old. It's super, super not fair to the 13 year old. Like period, end of story, point blank. And so, and I would even back out and say, I mean the question I would ask her if she was on the phone is like what do you think you missed out on as a 13 year old that you're going to solve by putting her in the arms of a 16 year old boy? Or what experiences do you think you're quote unquote robbing her from or, or holding her back from instead of protecting her from? And again, I'd have this exact same conversation if you're 13 year old, your 8th grade boy was being pursued by a sophomore junior in high school.

[George]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. And I, I can just tell you the rules in my house, which are nobody goes on a date, a one on one date until they're 16. Period, end of story. That's the baseline. Now my son is in high school. He's gone to dances with groups of people, he goes to the movies with groups of people. I want to with, like you said, with boundaries, teach socialization, but there's no way I would put a 13 year old in that situation. Like, like on, under, like under zero circumstances.

[George]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I, and I guess the hard part for you is you know that, right?

[George]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And this is becoming the proxy war by, with the which the disconnection in your marriage is being fought.

[George]

Yeah. Because she'll even, she'll even say like I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with, you know, my, my daughter and then I'm walking on eggshells with you and I can't win and they said, well, we can win if we come at this together.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Correct. We're not, we're not, we're not competing with our 13 year old ever.

[George]

Right. She's, she's a child. And so we, we make those rules, we make the guidelines, we come together. It's not like, well, if me and her do this thing, is it going to upset dad? It should never be about that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Absolutely not. And and more importantly, 13 year olds are supposed to be mad at their parents.

[George]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

18 year olds are supposed to be mad at their parents. That's part of the gig. And so if parenting is trying to avoid a teenager not being mad at you or not liking you, what a, what a scary place for that teenager to find themselves. That they are responsible for the emotional response of the adults in their home. And more importantly, how terrifying for a 13 year old or a 16 year old to realize I can control the adults in my life.

[George]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That is a terrifying weapon that a teenager, a child would find themselves in. And so I, I, without digging into, I mean it sounds like you've been on a path, man, and it sounds like your wife is on a path. I would have to talk to both of you to sit down and give you some guidance on what I, you know, here's where I think Yalls next steps are together. But man, somebody's got to step up and protect that 13 year old girl. Somebody's got to step up and protect that 16 year old boy from himself. And yeah, that, I mean, I think you knew what I was gonna say. But that's, that's where I stand on this whole thing. But brother, thank you for the call, man. I'm, I'm fully team George on this one, man. And my hope is you'll continue to treat your wife with dignity and respect as she tries to wrestle with this and at the same time lovingly and firmly saying, dude, I remember being a 16 year old boy. This is a, this is bad news all around. Bad news all around. Thanks for the call, my brother. I'm grateful for you. Sorry, I don't feel like it helped very much. But I appreciate the call. We come back, a woman asks how to break codependency with her 15 year old kid. Montana Knife Company makes the best knives on the planet, period. Full stop. You guys know my son and I are big hunters. We have been out in the woods all winter long and Montana Knife Co. Knives have come in clutch. And my wife is an amazing cook and she uses Montana Knife Company knives every day between the woods and the kitchen. My family needs knives that actually hold up to all of the chaos we throw at them. I bought the chef's knife set for my wife several years ago. She still uses it every day and I have a number of their knives for my outdoor adventures. Montana Knife Company knives are designed, tested and built by real hunters and real cooks. When you pick one up, you can instantly feel the quality. They're proudly made in the USA and they're razor sharp right out of the box and they're tough enough to last a lifetime. Montana Knife Co. Guarantees that my grandkids are going to fight over their knives someday. If their knives ever need sharpening, you just send them back and and they'll sharpen them and send them back to you for free. Give the outdoorsman and the cook in your life knives that they will love and actually use for the rest of their Life. Go to montana knife company.com to see what's available right now. You won't be disappointed. That's Montana knife company.com all right. I love the holidays and they're always busy and chaotic and I also love when the holidays are over. And what I look forward to most when they're over is relaxing. Especially this year. I ran myself ragged with traveling and events and just grinding it all out. I loved it, but I am tired and I can't wait to spend some time unwinding in my Cozy Earth sheets. Cozy Earth sheets keep you cozy without overheating you and without keeping you too cold. It's perfect. It helps you sleep several degrees cooler without freezing, are perfect for snuggling on winter nights and waking up refreshed to go get after it that next morning. And Cozy Earth's Bubble Cuddle blanket It is amazing. This thing is like a giant teddy bear. It's great for family movie night or for reading a book by a fire. It makes every day feel like a special occasion. Cozy Earth sheets and blankets are a way to help you and your loved ones relax and make coming home the best part of your day. As always, Cozy Earth products come with a 100 night sleep trial. Try them out and if you don't love them, return them hassle free. But trust me, you're not going to want to. Just head to cozyearth.com and use code Deloney for up to 20% off your entire purchase. That's cozy co z y cozyearth.com Deloney and use code Deloney all right, let's go out to Toronto, Ontario and talk to Brooke. What's up Brooke?

[Caller]

Hi thanks for taking my call. I'm super nervous and I just want to say thank you. Your show has got me through a lot of chaotic times though. I really appreciate talking to you today.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, it's a blessing that you called. I'm really grateful for you. Thank you so, so much. What's up?

[Caller]

Thank you. Sometimes my brain gets scattered, so I'll do my best to stand.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I have no idea what that is like. So you're on your own.

[Caller]

Keep me, keep me dialed in here. I'm wondering how I can break the generational cycle of codependency that I'm unintentionally recreating with my he's almost 16 year old son while still giving him a strong sense of stability and security.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wow. What a powerful question.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's a great question. I wish more parents asked that question.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's a. That's a scary question to ask, right?

[Caller]

Yeah. I'm terrified.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. All right, so tell me, what. What's the most recent thing that happened that when you went to your room and closed the door, you thought, oh, man, I'm doing it again.

[Caller]

I. I have three sons and it's. I can put boundaries up with the younger two sons. And my eldest son, I just give him a pass or if he gets upset, then I feel like my body just goes into like an anxious freezing. So I can't even parent. And I don't like that I can't do what I need to do as a parent for him. I think it's probably because of my insecurity of things that our family has gone through.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you a single parent? Are you married?

[Caller]

I divorced his father about five and a half years ago. Remarried two years ago.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

I am still regularly dealing with post separation abuse from his father, which probably plays into this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It does. And I want to go back to one single word that you gave me. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it sounds like even in this short minute and a half or two minutes we've been on the phone together, we already have a different set of beliefs. Okay. You ready?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You told me the word I can't. And I think I believe in you already more than you believe in yourself.

[Caller]

Thank you. Yeah, thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because I think you can. How much guilt do you have? Did you file for divorce to get yourself out of an unsafe, abusive relationship?

[Caller]

Yes, I did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And hold on. You don't even have to apologize. You don't have to say nothing. I'm with you. You did the right thing.

[Caller]

Thank you. And at that time, I Didn't realize it till at the time of the divorce when I was trying to stand up on my own two feet. I asked for support and independence from my parents. And at that time, I realized I was codependent with my mom. And when I asked for support and independence, she kind of put my world upside down to a little bananas. And I lost my family at that time as well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You. You may have challenges with codependency, but on this call, I want to humanize what you're experiencing. So I want us to put aside the clinical language for a second. Okay?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you?

[Caller]

42.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You are right to want your mom. You're not crazy. There's nothing wrong with you when your whole world is blowing up. You're right to want your mom and your dad to have your back, come hell or high water.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're not crazy.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if your parents put you in a position where you felt like they're gonna have to go tell their friends at the church or the country club or wherever that their daughter is now a divorcee or a single mom, and so to protect themselves, they tried to get you to stay in an unsafe situation, I'm heartbroken for you because I was wrong.

[Caller]

Thank you. That's what happened.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know it is. I can tell. I'm sorry.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I also, I don't want to give you a pass, but I want to give you full permission to open your eyes fully and say you found yourself in the middle of the ocean completely and totally alone, and you clung to the person treading water with you that happened to be your. Your son.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you kn. You know, I don't have to say it. I'm going to for the listeners, but you know that he can't carry you while he's trying to also tread water because his life blew up. Right?

[Caller]

Yeah. I don't. Right. I don't want him to carry my weight.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I, I. But I, I know that. I know. I, I know that. And the fact that you reached out to grab the nearest person that felt safe, the only safe person you had left in the world, doesn't make you crazy. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I never, ever, ever, ever, ever sit in judgment of somebody trying to survive. Okay.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's like your boat sinking and somebody standing on the shore critiquing your swim stroke as you came in. That's madness.

[Caller]

Yes. Okay. Felt that way. Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. Everybody did it to you. And I could tell you right this second, as a dad who is Head over heels for his little girl. If my daughter ever finds herself with three boys in an abusive marriage and she chooses to have the courage to leave at that moment, everybody in that world's going to come through me before they get to her first, because that's the way it's supposed to be. And I'm sorry that didn't happen for you.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. Now here's the hard part of this conversation. Question. I'm looking right at you through this camera lens. Okay. I can't see you, but I can hear you.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The question is, what are you going to do next?

[Caller]

I'm calling. I. I find. I know I need to change. I don't want him to carry this, and I don't want to have a phone through his generation. And I. I don't know how to change my behavior with him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, I got you. I got you on the tactics.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I got you. I got you. I'll give you some things to do, but I want you to. Whenever it starts feeling heavy, which it's going to. And scary and vulnerable yet again, I want you to remember this conversation. That you feeling like you're treading water in the ocean alone and you can't see shore. That feeling is right. You're not crazy. Okay.

[Caller]

Thank you. I appreciate that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not going to make it. It's not going to make treading water any easier other than you knowing I will get to shore and I'm going to get there, barely able to take my next breath.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So back all the way out of this, what's the state of your new marriage?

[Caller]

He's wonderful. And. But this is affecting my new marriage, too, because he wants to. He wants what's best for the kids. He wants to see them grow and develop. And he can see that there's this codependency, specifically with the oldest, My oldest son. And so he thinks that it's not fair to my son. And I agree. But we've been through so much that I don't know how to. I guess not nurture. I don't know the word. I don't know. I don't know how to act except for what I've been doing. But I know that my son needs to grow. And I do, too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, here's. Here's your path. You ready?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Number one, I want you to tonight, all by yourself. Or you know what? This weekend, sometime in the next 72 hours, I want you to ask your new husband to step in and take the Boys somewhere.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Y' all go blow some money and go do something. Go for a walk, go fishing. Go. I don't know, you're up in Ontario, so it may be like 44 below already. Go do something.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And here's your homework assignment. And it's going to be a nightmare. Okay?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your homework assignment is to spend three or four minutes closing your eyes and taking yourself back to the attorney's office. When he or she slid the paper across the table, it said, I'm. I'm signing this divorce decree. Okay. And I want you to do me a do yourself, not me, yourself, a huge favor. I want you to write that scared, terrified, exhausted, hurting woman a letter. And here's the gist of that letter. Thank you for keeping me and my kids safe. Thank you for doing the scariest, loneliest, most terrifying thing ever. Because that woman's a hero. And what I think is happening is you still hold her accountable for blowing up your kids lives.

[Caller]

I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And she didn't. She saved him. Your ex husband blew up their lives by being an abusive, manipulative man.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you got to let that woman off the hook because she did a brave, noble good thing. Okay?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's homework assignment number one. That's all for this weekend because that one's going to not be great.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. How old's your son?

[Caller]

He's almost 15. 16. They're all two years apart.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Perfect. He is right at the right age. Okay, you ready for a step for homework assignment number two?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You bring him and your husband and you find a place for your younger two boys to go play somewhere.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you read them that letter.

[George]

Okay.

[Caller]

That's hard.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's real hard. And it's gonna be, it's gonna be terrifying. And if you, if you now that knowing that you're gonna read it to them, if you aren't fully honest in that letter, your body's gonna hang on to this.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. They have to know the truth. And your 16 year old can hold it. He's. He's probably about 25 years old inside his 16 year old body, isn't he?

[Caller]

Yes, he is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Okay. And then that's going to be followed with and this is scary and horrifying and I'm going to get roasted in the comments and I could care less.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to look at your 15, 16 year old son and say, I'm sorry.

[Caller]

Yeah, I have done.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. I know, but I want him to contextualize how scared his mom was.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And I want you to look at him and say, I'm not going to talk bad about your dad, but I was a scared mom and I have felt guilty ever, ever since I separated to keep us all safe.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to know I've clung to you and that wasn't fair to you.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to tell the 16 year old in front of your husband, I am going to begin practicing building new adult relationships. And you got to know those have gotten me hurt in the past. He's going to say, because he's a good kid. Mom, it's okay. You don't. You're not all those things. And you're going to say, no, no, no, no, stop. My job is to love you. Not clear the path in front of you, but to get underneath you so you can climb as high as you can want to climb.

[Caller]

Okay. Okay.

[George]

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to look at your husband and say, I'm giving you permission. And I want you to give him a road map.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It might just be a gentle tap on your knee. It might be a wink when he sees it.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And all you're asking him for is, I don't need your lectures. I don't need. I don't need any of that stuff. I just need. I'm going to begin practicing and I've never had to do this before.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then here's your third homework assignment. You got to go make some girlfriends.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's a nightmare for a 42 year old.

[George]

Yeah.

[Caller]

I just recently made one about four months ago and it's completely changed my life. She's wonderful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's amazing. You need two or three. Okay.

[Caller]

Oh, gosh.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it. Be as brave as you want to be. But tell your new friend, hey, I want to build a small gang. Invite one or two of your friends over.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And this is about damn near impossible in the depth of winter in Canada. I understand that. Right. I get this.

[Caller]

Yeah. That's all right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I don't want you to do another. Another winter in the dark.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And if he is a good man and he is awesome as you say, and he is safe, I want you to grab your husband by the face and look him dead in the eye. And he's going to be like, what are you doing? Be like. It's just the sound of a grizzled up, freezing cold Ontario man in my mind. What are you doing? Maybe not. But I want you to look at Him. And I want you to look him in dead in the eye and say, thank you for loving me and walking with me as I practice going all in on somebody else.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. But, man, you. You are on the right path. And I think being very specific is really being specific about behaviors that you have identified self, diagnosed yourself with as codependent. What? And I don't know what that is. And there's probably a litany of them. But if it's doing bedtime with your 16 year old, keep doing bedtime. If it is you make him do X, Y or Z or he's who you go to and you get in a fight with your spouse. All right? Then we need to get some adults that can carry that weight because he can't carry that. So it's being very specific and maybe bringing along your husband saying, is this a code? Is this? Is this. I've lost. I've lost my center here. And as I'm relearning how to walk on my own two feet is telling my son to come tell me good night every night. Is that codependent? No, you're his mom is wanting to be a part of bedtime. No, you're his mom. Take every one of those bedtimes as you can get. Is it you can't date because you're mine. No girl's ever good enough for my boy. I'll just give you whatever money you need even though you're not working. Yeah. Because I. I can't bear you not liking me for a night or two or three. Yeah. Now we're getting to some emotional challenges where he's got to prop you up, you. And he's in control of the house and 16 year olds can't carry that way. It's going to be. It's going to be a tricky, slow slog as you slowly walk out of the swamp and up on your own two feet on dry land. And I have 100% belief you can get there. When you don't believe in yourself, when you start saying the words I can't, I want you to remember my voice. I think you can keep pursuing that professional counselor. You got some unpacking to do, some bricks to set down, but I've got every belief in my guts that you can do it. Thank you so much for the call. We come back, a woman asks how to tell her mom about her son's diagnosis without receiving all of the conspiracy theory blame. This time of year, everybody's talking about getting more organized with less clutter, less stress and why are we doing this? Because we want more peace. And here's one area I want you to focus on this year, your digital footprint. And that's why I recommend Delete me Every time you fill out a quick form, grab a discount or sign up for something, quote unquote free online, your personal information, things like your name, your email, your phone number and your address. All that gets collected, sold and shared behind your back by data brokers. Over time, this turns on the fire hose of spam calls, weird text and scam emails. Delete Me's team of privacy experts finds your personal information and it gets it taken down and they keep it gone. It's like setting healthy boundaries for your digital life because protecting your privacy is part of protecting your peace. This year. Start fresh, get organized with fewer distractions and find peace. Go to join deleteme.com deloney for 20% off an annual plan. The that's join J o I n joindeleteme.com DeLoney and start protecting your peace this year. All right, take two seconds, two seconds and hit the subscribe button for me. Hit the subscribe button or hit the share button, hit the like button. Whatever it is, whatever device you're listening to this on or watching this on, it just makes such a huge difference for future listeners of the show who don't even know we exist yet. Thank you for taking the time to do that. It makes all the difference in the world. Let's go to Spokane, Washington and talk to Sam. I am. What's up, Sam?

[Caller]

Hey, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. Thanks for calling. What's going on?

[Caller]

So I'm wondering how I can tell my anti modern medicine mother that my child has been diagnosed with autism without her spinning it into some sort of blame.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, did you have Red Dye 40 and Tylenol Saint? I'm just kidding. Oh, gosh.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I tell you the. The worst news I can tell anybody today?

[Caller]

Oh, sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can't do anything to change your mom's response.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm sorry.

[Caller]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old's your son?

[Caller]

He is 4.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he's on the spectrum.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about him.

[Caller]

He is fantastic and has all sorts of amazing abilities, but has a speech delay as well as some fine motor issues and is otherwise in his own little world. But he's a wonderful kid.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Anytime I ask somebody about to tell me about their kid and the first words out of their mouth are as he's amazing or he's wonderful, I oh, I can't. My face Automatically smiles because I think that's amazing. I want this.

[Caller]

An amazing kid.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well. And I want that to remain the focus. Okay.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The only path forward you have is to treat everybody, regardless of their response, with dignity and respect. And what I mean by that is don't let somebody's blame, grenade throwing or whatever, allow you to be a person who violates your own values.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you can't own your mom's response. What you can own is the grief that in a moment, having a special needs kid, it's heartbreaking, right?

[Caller]

Yeah. It. It. It can be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And every parent I've ever met of a special needs kid struggles with the question, what did I do? Or.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I did this to them. And now we're bombarded by media, by nonsense, by loved ones. That confirms that madness. Right?

[Caller]

Definitely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's an extraordinary weight for you and your son's dad to carry. And I'm sorry.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Challenges with kids should be a point that all of us can rally around. Instead, it's a. It's a. We've turned it into a way that we can feel superior and point fingers.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Man.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'll even say this. Your mom and dad should be the safe place for you to rest your head up against.

[Caller]

I agree.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Not a cactus.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what that means is you're gonna have to do the next right thing for you as an adult, which is I gotta go find some adult friends that I can lean on because my parents have proven that they're not. They're not those people.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I hate that for you. But the path for you is telling your mom. Hey, Mom, I need to tell you some hard news about Charlie, my son. I don't know what his name is. I just picked that name up. And here's what I need from you. I know you have very firm opinions on things about medicine and about conspiracy, whatever, however you want to frame it for her. What I need right now in this moment is my mom.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then she. So what you're doing is like it goes with the old business axiom to to be unclear is to be unkind. I'm going to tell you, mother, a road map for what I want right now. And actually, I'll even use the word need here, because a daughter needs her mom in these kind of moments. I don't care how old you are.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I need you. And exhale. She's probably not going to be able to walk that road, is she?

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. That means you get to be sad.

[Caller]

Yeah, definitely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is there other Times in your life when you were younger, when you needed your mom to show up for you and she showed up with a wagging finger instead of open arms.

[Caller]

All the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

All the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So some of this is just rerunning a script that little girl you has already run before, right?

[Caller]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Can I ask you a hard question?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Will there come a moment when you stop putting your hand back in the bag that you know has a rattlesnake in it?

[Caller]

I don't know. I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For whatever it's worth, you don't have an obligation to keep doing that.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I just hate it for you.

[Caller]

Yeah. Me too. It's tough.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Because I need my mom. You're right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I'm glad you said it.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Saying that out loud and actually letting yourself feel that is where the healing begins.

[Caller]

Yeah. I think about my own child.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller]

With him meeting his mom.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And can you even imagine not being there with open arms?

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No.

[Caller]

I'd be there in a heartbeat.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course you would. And this is how family systems change, because one person says, I'm not going to do it anymore. But that also means you have to turn and face the fire of your family system. And you're going to get burned. You're going to get scars because it's painful.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can't control her, but you can control you moving forward. And that's. That's. I. I hate to say it's the best we can do in these moments.

[Caller]

Yeah. It's going to ruffle some feathers for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's that mean?

[Caller]

It. It's. I feel like it's gonna. It's just gonna cause a tantrum. On her behalf. Not mine, but on her behalf. And I think I'm anticipating the explosion.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. But maybe for the first time in your life, you decide to not hold yourself responsible for her tantrum, because her tantrums have never been your fault. Ever. Not one time. Never.

[Caller]

My. My younger self would disagree.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. Because your younger self had it made very clear to her that it was her job to make sure mom was okay.

[Caller]

Definitely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that was not your job.

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your job was to be a goofy, making dumb decisions, sarcastic, explosive, whatever. You were a little kid.

[Caller]

Yeah. All of those things and more. I'm sure that's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's your job as a kid.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where's your. Where's your dad in all this?

[Caller]

He's a little more neutral. Obviously. Him and my mom are still married and everything, so they're, you know, they, they've been married my whole life and he, he doesn't take as firm of stances as she does, but she kind of takes the lead and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller]

And all of that and health choices and things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It might be an important conversation for you to circle around to him and say, dad, for the first time in my life, I need you to step up and be my dad.

[Caller]

Okay. Like have that separately with my dad. Before my mom.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would.

[Caller]

Okay. I have a better. I feel like I have a better relationship with him, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And maybe you can be very direct with him and say, I don't have a picture. I don't have a psychology for a life with a new son without grandparents.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I can't carry the weight of being accused, being blamed, being having fingers pointed at me.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I need my dad.

[Caller]

Right. And I know that he would, I know he would be devastated if his grandchild wasn't in his life, but he.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gets to make a grown up choice about that, not you.

[Caller]

Right. Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he might need a very clear path. My son needs hugs. Your daughter needs hugs. Not, not Internet emails about Tylenol.

[Caller]

Nailed that one. That's exactly what I get in my inbox. I know all the time from her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And maybe saying, mom, you've made yourself very clear. I don't want another email about it.

[Caller]

Okay. Yeah. Setting firm boundaries is going to be really important going forward with her because she, she'll hover and she'll try to fix it and be all over it and, And I know from when I was a kid, it's. I'm uncomfortable with what's going on with my child, so I'm going to do everything I can to fix it so I don't have to think about it anymore. Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's not how relationships work. They're not set it and forget it.

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They're minute by minute, day by day. And that's where the good stuff is and that's where the hard stuff is.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But there's something powerful about saying, dad, you're about to lose all of us. And I don't want that. And I don't think you do either.

[Caller]

I don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Maybe, maybe for his, the first time in his life, this gives him a path to stand up.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now he can't make his, his wife do anything any more than you can make your mom do anything, but.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He can. Sure. Say, I'm gonna get in the car and go visit my daughter because I want to hug that little boy. I want to hug my Little girl who's now 40 or 35, however old you are.

[Caller]

Right, Right. Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Before you start throwing boundaries out, I want you to. To. To do an exercise with yourself. Are you married?

[Caller]

I am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You married to somebody who's a good man?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's good.

[Caller]

Yes, he's good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You hesitated. You promise?

[Caller]

Oh, I promise.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

He's a good guy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want y' all before you start throwing out boundaries. A boundary is a fence line. Right?

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to decide what you want your home to feel like.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because I think sometimes we build walls to protect ourselves, but then we sit inside these walls, and inside the walls, it feels hollow. They become a prison.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I want y' all to plant gardens inside these walls before you build them on your land. And I'm making a metaphor. I'm just beating it to death here. Right. But I want y' all to decide. What do we want our house to feel like? What do we want our child's experience to be? It's going to be hard enough as it is without people throwing grenades at you or running in and trying to solve it. Or when your mom thinks her deep cut Internet emails have more value than the ABA specialist in your local community.

[Caller]

Right, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And maybe, shoot, I'm making something up here. I'm just. I'm. It's a fantasy at this point, but maybe giving your mom the purpose of. Hey, mom, I don't need you to solve this. I've got this. We've got. We've got some professionals in our area that are great. What I need is my mother. I need her to be on my side. I need her hugs. I need her to text me and say, I love you and you're doing a great job.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't need your suggestions to smear mayonnaise on the inside of his ears or some weird thing that you get. You know what I mean? I don't know, dude. Just so crazy. It's so crazy that we're even having this conversation at this point.

[Caller]

It would have to be dairy free. Mayonnaise.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Avocado oil only. Mayonnaise.

[Caller]

No. As long as it's not seed oils. Those are the.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go. Oh, yeah, those two. Those will get you. Oh, man. I don't have a lot to add here, Sam. I'm just sitting here with you and maybe you tell your husband, hey, there's going to be times that I need you just to hug me. Because I miss my mom and I miss my dad. So on those days, I'm just going to say, I need to borrow your nervous system for a bit. I need to hold this hug a lot longer. And then, Sam, you're going to have to go do the work of having some adults in your life that are 10 or 15 or 20 years down the road from you, whether that's a couple you meet at the local YMCA or I don't know, at your local church. I don't know what stuff you do but. Or maybe it's your in laws. But you can't do all this alone. You need somebody there just with you celebrating how hard you're working, somebody reminding you to take care of you, somebody patting you on the back, Somebody saying, I see how hard you're working and I see how amazing this little boy is with all of his quirks and challenges. My goodness, I can see that smile of his from space or whatever it is. Sorry you're going through this, sister. Thank you for the call. Clear as kind here and first establishing what we want our home to feel like. Let's reverse engineer the boundaries after that. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. All right, as we head into the new year, I want you to take an inventory of of all the stuff you're carrying, all the things you think you have to do, all the past hurts and pains, along with all the past guilts and shames. All of it. When the world feels heavy, it's important to look in the mirror and consider setting down all of that old weight and even consider not carrying it into 2026. Therapy can help you identify the heavy stuff, help you set it down you and move forward with clarity so you can focus on the new year. And if you're thinking about therapy, I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists and they're one of the leading online therapy providers on the planet. And they're trusted by millions of people around the world. With an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. It's all online so it's easy to fit in your schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist that fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can change therapist at any time for no extra cost. You can't feel lighter without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney for 10% off your first month. That's better help. HP.com DeLoney all right, we're back. I got A money and marriage question. We are fresh off. We're recording this just a few days after the November money of marriage event. And my goodness, what an amazing time that was. Is by far. I don't know if it was. I'll say. I don't know. I do know it was the best one of all time. It was amazing. We got it pretty dialed in. And by the time you hear this episode, I think we're into the new year a couple of days and it's probably sold out. But if it's not, and you can still get your tickets to come to Nashville for the February, the Valentine's Day weekend event. My goodness, get them if you can. And if not, go ahead and get them for next October because 26. Because my goodness, what an amazing weekend it is. I leave refreshed in my own life. But, man, go check them out. Ramseysolutions.com events. Go check them out. But here's a question. Somebody left. What kind of goal should we be setting for our family at the beginning of this year? Y' all know me. I love New Year's. I love goals. I love New Year's resolutions. One of my favorite things in the whole wide world. But I think you can't have good goals without two important things. A. A period of reflection. How did I do last year as a husband, as a dad, as a wife, as a sister, as a mother, and how did we do if you're married? It says family here. So how did we do together last year? Showing up for each other, showing up for these kids financially? Right. So it's a season of reflection. How's our money? How's the stress in our home? How's the chaos? And the second thing that I think is important is asking this question. This is from the great James Clear. Who do we want to be this year? I remember when I first started here doing media stuff, we had these meetings with these brand experts, and I got so frustrated. I was like, dude, I don't want a brand. I don't like. I don't like thinking of that. That seems gross. And I remember the great Tim Newton, who leads our marketing efforts here at Ramsey. He said something that stuck with me. He said, hey, all a brand is is who you are when you're not in the room. How do people experience you when you're not around? And that really hit home with me. And so when I'm not in the room, I want people to smile, want them to drop. I want people to drop their shoulders. I want people to laugh. I Want people to roll their eyes a little bit because that guy's kind of crazy. I, I so I think that question for a family before you start setting goals, who do we want to be this year? We want to be a family that comes home and exhales and it's just like, ah, we're home. All right, well, then we're not going to sign up for 52 marathons, and we're not going to sign up for dance classes and yoga classes and the new workout program, because this year we want to be a family who, when people come over, they go, my gosh, I don't want to leave. Or maybe it's, we want to be a family that's got some more excitement this year, some more play. We want to be a family who doubles down and conquers some financial goals. We want to, we want to get out of debt this year. And so we're going to reverse engineer our goals based on our identity, our brand. Who are we going to be this year? And then all goals are, it's a series of checkpoints, measurable checkpoints that say we're on the path to being who we want to be this year. And so before you set off me like, I want to run a marathon this year, I want you to ask yourself, who do you want to be this year when it comes to being a good steward of your body fitness? And how does that relate to an overall picture of, we want to be a family of peace or a family that gets after it, or a family that does a hard thing together this year. So, number one, some reflection. Number two, that identity statement, who are we going to be and who do we want people to. How do we want people to feel about us when we're not in the room, when we're not there? And then your goals will just simply be a path towards making that identity real, come alive. And so I think that the reason people set goals and resolutions and don't hit them is because they're not anchored to an identity. They're just anchored to a I'm gonna get up every morning at 4am and go work out. And that's a recipe for quitting. But if your identity is in 2026, I'm going to be a guy that does hard things every single day. I'm going to be a guy that sets an example for discipline in my home. I'm going to be a wife who wades through conflict and finds one thing to celebrate about my husband every day, even when I have to look real, real hard through a pile of clothes and through dishes all like, whatever it is, right? I. It's got to be anchored to an identity. So start there, Start with reflection, start with identity, and then start backfilling the goals and make 2026 the best years year possible. I love you guys. I'm super, super grateful. See you soon.