Sleeping With My Husband Is Driving Me Crazy

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: Sleeping With My Husband Is Driving Me Crazy
Date: September 29, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. John Delony fields deeply relatable calls about the realities of marriage, parenting, mental health, and personal growth. Themes include sleep struggles in marriage, supporting partners with trauma histories, navigating single-parenthood and teen autonomy after loss, and celebrating relationship wins. With warmth and candor, Dr. Delony emphasizes empathy, vulnerability, and small, intentional steps toward emotional safety and connection.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Sleep Struggles in Marriage with Young Children

Caller: Carrie from Boston
Timestamp: 00:05 – 14:20

• Carrie’s Situation: Carrie, mother of six young children, calls in to discuss her husband’s lifelong sleep issues, which have worsened with the demands of parenting and family chaos.
• Symptoms Described: Husband has difficulty “shutting off his mind,” is a deep thinker, and even before kids struggled with sleep. Standard sleep hygiene interventions have failed due to the unpredictability of their home.
• Dr. Delony’s Insight:
  • Distinguishes sleep hygiene from core anxiety, arguing the latter is often the hidden issue:

    “Almost everybody in this situation is dealing with some sort of underlying anxiousness that is not related to sleep hygiene.” (04:32)

  • Explains from experience that anxiety, not just environmental factors, often drives sleeplessness, especially for parents with heavy responsibilities:

    “His body would be failing him if it let him sleep all night, because that's an existential threat to his responsibility to keep a household afloat.” (05:48)

  • Suggests sleep is a “biological function” that modern anxieties disrupt—not something solved by gadgets alone.
• Root Causes Identified:
  • Financial anxieties (mortgage, tuition, job security).
  • Lack of a social support tribe, particularly for men.
  • Perfectionism and “threat scanning,” especially for ex-military like Carrie’s husband.
• Actionable Advice:
  • Prioritize emotional and relational security over sleep hacks.
  • Encourage Carrie’s husband to rekindle male friendships and participate in group activities:

    “It's a nightmare [for men to make friends]. A nightmare.” (09:15)

  • Take time to journal outside bedtime to process stress (“Holy Work” guided practice, as recommended by Dr. Delony).
  • Gift of Space: Provide weekly “off-duty” time for her husband to decompress and process outside the home:

    “Honey, Wednesday nights, I don’t want you in this house...go get some guy friends...go to the gym...join a stupid softball league.” (13:09)

  • Reduce news/media intake to lower generalized anxiety.
  • Read “Building an Unanxious Life” together as a couple.
• Memorable Quote:

  “If the only time your brain has the space to process the chaos going inside your heart and your mind is when you put your head on your pillow, it will take that time and it will do it till 1 a.m.” (11:01 – 11:40)

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2. Supporting a Partner with Trauma and the Need for Connection

Caller: J.P., St. Louis, MO
Timestamp: 18:00 – 29:15

• J.P.’s Dilemma: J.P. wants to intentionally love and support his wife, a survivor of childhood trauma, but finds his efforts (“How can I love you today?”) overwhelming for her.
• Dr. Delony’s Insight:
  • Many people grow up learning their feelings are unsafe or don’t matter; deep questions can feel scary:

    “For millions of people, feeling your feelings came at an extreme cost.” (19:04)

  • Men are often action-oriented (“what can I do?”) while women may crave just presence and non-urgent connection.
  • For trauma survivors, “connection” was weaponized; intentional relationship-building must go at their pace.
• Advice for Emotional Safety:
  • Recommend couples therapy to process trauma together, not just individually.
  • Establish safe, physical, nonverbal habits (30-second hug in morning, after work, before bed).
  • Prioritize touch and presence over fixing:

    “I don’t want anything from you. I don’t need anything from you. ... But our bodies are safe together.” (27:17)

  • Avoid turning to one’s partner to meet one’s own need for purpose (“be careful not to use your wife to make you feel better”).
• Practical Exercise:
  • Simple daily physical affection (hold hands, touch feet under covers, etc).
  • J.P. is gifted access to Delony’s marriage app focusing on tiny daily connection steps.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • “If you are trying to, in any way, even in—with the most loving intent—use her so that you feel like you have purpose, her body would be failing her if it didn’t sound every alarm she’s got.” (29:41)
  • “Thirty second hug before I walk out the door. Thirty second hug right when I get home. No phones. Just falling asleep with our feet touching each other.” (29:10)

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3. Navigating Single Parenting and Teen Autonomy After Loss

Caller: Laura, San Francisco
Timestamp: 34:21 – 46:22

• Laura’s Situation: Widow with two teenage sons. She made her 13-year-old play tackle football to honor what her late husband would have wanted, but struggles with feeling like she’s both mom and dad.
• Parenting Challenge: 13-year-old is terrified of getting hurt, doesn’t want to play, but didn’t choose another activity.
• Dr. Delony’s Framework:
  • Principles over nostalgia: Discusses how his own experience as a football player affects his parenting impulses (“Uncle Rico syndrome”).
  • Cites research: Participation in sports and arts is vital for adolescent development—kids need both.
  • Bounded Choice:

    “It’s not an option of can I just do nothing and play video games or I have to play football. ... It is, you get to choose within this boundary.” (37:48)

  • Letting Go & Processing Grief:
    • Advise periodic, honest, emotional check-ins with children (“I miss Dad”).
    • Give children agency within structured limits (must do a physical and a creative activity, pick which).
    • Older siblings “don’t get a vote” on what younger siblings must do.
    • Allow for re-evaluation after a trial period.
  • Sample Conversation Script: (For Laura to use with her son)
    • “I signed you up for this. I could tell you don't want to be out there. ... Is there another thing you want to do?” (43:28)
• Memorable Moments:
  • Dr. Delony empathizes as a fellow bereaved parent and affirms Laura’s resilience:

    “You are an absolute rock star. ... You’re doing a job that nobody wants and you’re doing it admirably and I’m proud of you.” (36:30)

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4. Listener Success Story

Shared by: Kelly (Producer)
Timestamp: 50:50 – 53:02

• Follow-up from Previous Caller (Brian):
  • Brian called a year prior about dating his son’s best friend’s mom and seeking advice on telling the kids.
  • Update: Both families have blended successfully, and Brian is planning a proposal—kids are happy.
• Dr. Delony’s Reflection:
  • Lightheartedly celebrates: “Gross. ... My dad is making out with your mom. ... It will always be a way to win a cut down war.”
  • Points to the importance of honest but age-appropriate communication during family transitions.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Sleep & Anxiety:

  “It allows all of us to create an amazing amount of theater around a core, what I would call biological function.”
  (04:54, Dr. Delony)

• On Men's Friendships:

  “It's a nightmare [for men to make friends]. A nightmare.”
  (09:15, Dr. Delony)

• On Immediate Action for Overwhelm:

  “If the only time your brain has the space to process the chaos going inside your heart and your mind is when you put your head on your pillow, it will take that time and it will do it till 1 a.m.”
  (11:01, Dr. Delony)

• On Trauma, Boundaries, and Connection:

  “Connection was the thing that took everything from her... We have to have water and oxygen and connection to live, yet that was the thing that took everything from her.”
  (23:32, Dr. Delony)

• On “Fixing” Your Partner:

  “Be careful not to use your wife to make you feel better.”
  (25:43, Dr. Delony)

• On Parenting After Loss:

  “Let’s get to the value underneath what Mark was getting at and then we can sit down with your son. ... And you sitting down with your kid.”
  (41:28, Dr. Delony)

• Listener Win:

  “My dad is making out with your mom. ... Which is an important part of being a young boy is figuring out how do I win this argument we're having.”
  (52:14, Dr. Delony)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:05 – Sleep, Marriage, and Young Kids (Carrie, Boston)
• 04:32 – Anxiety as the Sleep Culprit
• 11:01 – The Role of Bedtime Processing
• 13:09 – Creating Space for Spouses
• 18:00 – Loving a Partner with Trauma (J.P., St. Louis)
• 19:04 – Emotional Safety & Childhood Conditioning
• 27:16 – Building Trust through Daily Touch
• 34:21 – Parenting & Honoring a Late Spouse (Laura, San Francisco)
• 37:48 – Sports/Arts Bounded Choice Framework
• 43:28 – Constructing “You Have to Choose” Conversation
• 50:50 – Listener Success Story Update (Brian blending families)

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Tone & Style

Dr. Delony delivers practical wisdom with warmth, directness, and humor, weaving in empathetic validation and self-disclosure. He gives actionable, small steps while spotlighting the emotional complexity of family life.

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Summary

• Addressing family and personal challenges is less about perfect routines and more about facing the underlying emotional realities.
• Sleep struggles and relationship disconnection are often rooted in anxiety, not just bad habits—creating safety, emotional processing, and social connection is key.
• For partners and parents, simple, consistent acts of presence and vulnerability far outstrip grand gestures or “fix it” solutions.
• Parenting through loss means blending firmness (structure) with empathy (grief validation) and choice (bounded autonomy).
• Real-life wins and follow-ups provide hope and practical proof that honest, intentional love can transform families.

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Listening to this episode offers reassurance that the messiness of marriage, parenting, and healing is universal—and hope that with empathy, honesty, and baby steps, progress is possible.

Transcript

[Caller]

My question is about sleep and being married to someone that has problems with sleep and having lots of young kids. And how do we manage that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Almost everybody. I would be willing to say 99.99% of the people, myself included, almost everybody in this situation. What up? What's going on? What's going on? This is the Dr. John DeLoney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking calls from all over the planet about your mental and emotional health, your physical health, your relationships, your marriage, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. Let's go out to Boston and talked. Out to Boston, get a login and talk to Carrie. What's up, Carrie?

[Caller]

What up, Dr. John? I should be saying, like, wicked awesome or something to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. You're supposed to be, like, doing equations in a hobbit bar.

[Caller]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Caller]

Well, thank you for taking my call. I'm. I'm very excited to talk to you. My question is about sleep and being married to someone that has problems with sleep and having lots of young kids, and how do we manage that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is this my wife?

[Caller]

I feel like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sounds like she's calling about me.

[Caller]

Boring, but, like, profoundly relatable. Yeah, no, Nope, it's just Carrie from Boston.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, well, I feel like my wife's putting you up to this because she may be married to a guy with sleep issues, but. All right, go ahead. Tell me what's going on.

[Caller]

Yeah, so my husband is. And I just want to, like, from, like. I am. I'm obsessed with my husband. He's awesome. I'm not calling to, like, complain about him at all, but he is. He has, like, the worst sleep. He always has, even before kids. And now that we have, like, a bunch of. So we have six kids, and the oldest is seven. The youngest is eight months. So, like, we just get woken up. I know there's a set of twins in there, but. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are these bio kids, or do you adopt some kids?

[Caller]

Oh, yeah. Huh. Yep. Yeah. Dude, it's a lot of kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wow.

[Caller]

That's what everybody says. People are like, no, that's not possible.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, it's possible. You're just like, yeah. You're not semi automatic. Y' all are automatic, man.

[Caller]

Right? Wow.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Hey, congratulations, man. What an adventure.

[Caller]

Thank you. Yeah. No, it's wild, but it's. Yeah. So basically, like, before we had kids, my husband even had a hard time sleeping.

[Caller (J.P.)]

It's.

[Caller]

He's like. He's a Deep thinker. He's really smart. Like these like, ideas, like something will just get in his head and then he's like, spun up and he can't sleep. And so that's been a thing. We've done the whole, like, you talk to Dr. About like, sleep hygiene. You get your hormones tested, like, you know, diet, exercise, all those things. And like, that sort of worked when we didn't have kids. And now that we have kids, like, it's just not. It's not working at all. Like, if. If you have like an off chance where everybody sleeps at night, like, the dog ends up barking at her water dish and wakes everybody up. And I guess I'm just more trying to figure out, like, I've heard you mention on the show before that you've had issues with sleep. And I just find that you have, like, a pretty balance perspective on like, family life, marriage, all those things where, like, besides sleep hygiene and like, setting up routines and things where, like, it's just not realistic given where we're at in. In our lives. Is this one of these things that you just have to like, white knuckle through the situation or is it. Are there more things that we could be doing or are there like, just behaviors where my husband basically, like, if. If we knew what to do, he would absolutely do it, like, to fix the problem and. Sorry, I talk a lot, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, you're not talking at all. I. I like to hear how this plays out, man. I got a lot of questions here. Here's. Here's where I've landed. Sitting with people for a long, long, long time. Okay. Yeah, I'm not saying this in a clinical diagnostic sense. Okay. So I'm saying this in the very Google it, Instagram me kind of way. Yeah, almost everybody. I would. I would be willing to say 99.99 of the people, myself included. So this is not just sitting with people and the sitting with the literature, but this is just me looking in the mirror. Okay.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Almost everybody in this situation is dealing with some sort of underlying anxiousness that is not related to sleep hygiene.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And because there is so much information out there about sleep hygiene, you need to be doing this and get the red light therapy and the eye masks and the special this and then that.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It allows all of us to create an amazing amount of theater around a core, what I would call biological function. And here's where I always want to start with this premise. What if your body is right?

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what if the. His body recognizes if. Dude, if you Go to sleep. You're not gonna. You're not gonna be able to handle the threats that are coming your way, okay? And so, I mean, that was like my. My sleep issues, if you will. That was the huge alarm system that ultimately I ignored for years that ended me up in my own mental health mess.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I took. I took medication for years to not. Not sleep, but to just be unconscious.

[Caller]

Yeah, okay. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so ultimately it was dealing with the core anxiety underneath it all. So, for instance, if a great, great husband and a great father, if his. I mean, I'm gonna. I'm gonna oversimplify it, okay? If his amygdala knows that y' all owe a mortgage and car payments, and he's already starting to add up the tuition cost of six kids, his body would be failing him if it let him sleep all night, because that's an existential threat to his responsibility to keep a household afloat.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If he has no men in his life that he regularly interacts with, not in a yo bro kind of way, but in a I'm not doing okay kind of way.

[Caller]

Yeah, like a brotherhood.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Then his body knows you have no tribe. You have responsibilities in a wife and a bunch of kids, you have no tribe. And his body would be failing him if it let him sleep all night, because that's an existential threat. Right? And so I could go on and on and on. I'll send you two copies of Building an Onxious Life for both of you, okay? I would love for you guys to distill it down and go through that with. As a road map, Okay? I would be willing to bet that he would exhale and go, oh, crap. Because a lot. Dude, sleep hygiene is for real. I have an automatic light in my backyard. I don't know how to turn it off. I've tried. I don't know how to turn off. It comes on at 10:30 every night. If I go to bed at 9:30, a hundred percent of the time, I wake up because it starts shining through the. Through our bedroom. I wake up at sometime middle of the night. So, yeah, like, sleep like darkness and cold temperature. My 8. Sleep is the greatest invention ever made. Right? All those things are awesome.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if I'm anxious, and for me, that is, if I owe somebody money, if I don't, if my marriage isn't locked in lockstep, if I don't feel like I'm showing up, if my work is. Is. Is yeesh. Right? If I'm consuming tons and tons of, like, news media, that's telling me it's all coming down. And then my body would be failing me if it let me sleep.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so those are where that honestly is where I start. And I've now ended up dealing with sleep hygiene stuff later.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because I've got friends. This is this me being honest. I have friends that have never been to therapy ever. They're overweight, they're hilarious, and they, like, so sleep hygiene wise are. They're the worst. But they can fall asleep in the middle of a parking lot.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because there's that core sense of safety. I've got people in my life. I don't owe anybody anything. My. My body is able to exhale.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying? So if I. If I brought off a few of those things to you, how does that register? Yay or nay?

[Caller]

Yay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Several times over.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that.

[Caller]

Yeah, Yeah. I mean, we've had. I don't know, I think it's just the whole kid thing. Like, he used to have this really core group of guy friends. And then, like, everybody had kids. Everyone spread out. They're far apart. Like, so he's lamented basically about, like, losing that connection. And then I think it's hard for men to find friends.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's a nightmare. A nightmare.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Caller]

Yeah. And like, for me, I have, like, I can make, like, girlfriends, like, pretty easily, but for men, yeah, it's just. It's hard. So he's talked about that. And then, like, it's just a weird time to be alive, you know? So, like, and there's not much you can do about a lot of, like the. Just the political and international, like all these crazy things that could potentially affect our lots of children. And so he just, he thinks a lot about that stuff. And then he also, he's just. He's kind of a hard charger, like, ex Marine, like, really good athlete, like, holds himself to this very, very high standard. And if something that he's doing isn't perfect, he's. That consumes him basically. So there's, there's that where he just think about, like, how to break something down, how to do it better. Like, and he's just always, I guess, like, got a mental motor with. With that kind of thing where with me, I'm more like, I just need to make sure I have enough milk for these kids tomorrow. And, like, are the groceries good? Is everybody asleep? And then I can fall asleep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. So he. He's. He's cursed. Part two with not only the basic. What I would call. And again, I'm saying anxiousness. Anxiousness in this situation is a good thing. It's a friend. Yeah, Right. It's an alarm system saying, hey, you're not okay. Like this. Your environment. Okay. But on top of that, he's literally trained as a Marine to always be looking over the next hill to see what threats coming.

[Caller]

Yes. Yeah, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that is amazing. And, yeah, you start to see threats everywhere.

[Caller]

Yeah, that's. Yeah, that's a bit of a problem.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I want to point him to this. I've got a buddy named Luke LeFever who started a journaling course that he does with you.

[Caller (J.P.)]

And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, when you say the word journaling to a cops. Kid like me or to a Marine, their eyes are going to roll out the back of their head. Right. But here. Here's. It's called holy work. And I've. I've sent friends through it who are profound atheists. Right. It's designed for people of faith, but it doesn't. It works great either way. But here's. Here's what I have found. If the only time your brain has the space to process the chaos going inside your heart and your mind is when you put your head on your pillow, it will take that time and it will. It will do it till 1am okay.

[Caller]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or if you find. If you have to have the TV on to collapse, essentially, what you're doing, you're numbing yourself, you're going unconscious. You're not going to sleep.

[Caller]

Okay. That makes a ton of sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I heard one person say, like, if you take, you know, Lynes to Ambien, some of these things, it's a pharmaceutical baseball bat to your head, you are unconscious. You're not asleep. If you have to let. If the TV has to fade you out, basically distract you to sleep, you're not asleep. In the terms of deep sleep, REM sleep, all. All that chemical processing.

[Caller]

Yeah. No, actually, like restorative. Good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's exactly right. So you're unconscious, you're out. Yeah, but it's like. It's like being underwater and taking sips of oxygen through a straw. Right. That you're not breathing deeply.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Having a practice throughout the day.

[Caller (J.P.)]

And a.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And for me, I'm going to be honest with you, I've been telling people to journal my forever. I've got stacks of journals. It wasn't until I got into a guided practice, like, here's how to do this in the right way, that I actually saw restorative change in my life. Okay. And I've got no affiliation to this at all. But I'll link to it in the show notes. It. It's legit. And can I. Can I tell you a gift you can give him?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And this is going to make. I'm going to ask all of the mothers listening, the wives listening, especially those of young kids who are. Can't breathe, they're so busy. I'm going to ask you all to listen to what I'm about to say with compassion, not with. Okay.

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm not saying this to you. I'm saying this to the other listeners. I can tell you are dialed in and you love this guy and he's a pretty awesome guy.

[Caller]

Yeah, he's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you could create some sort of calendar space, and that might mean that you're inviting over a couple of other women just to help with the chaos that is six kids under six. Yeah, right. And say, hey, honey, Wednesday nights, I don't want you in this house.

[Caller]

Oh, he would love that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thursdays, you are not welcome in my home. I want you to go get some guy friends. I want you to go to the gym. I want you to join a stupid softball league. I want you to go, whatever, but you're not welcome here. And here's the other thing. If you will create 30 minutes for after the last kid is in the shower or in the whatever tub, whatever's going on. And you will say, hey, I've marked this off our family calendar. I want you out of the main room, and I want you to go journal.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what you will give him is such a gift that you will roi back to his ability to be present with you, present with your family, and be more plugged in, which is. I'm gonna go. It's basically, I'm gonna go get the. Fill the car up with gas. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go get the oil change in this car so that this thing can keep going forever. And it gives him some space that you've already built in so that he knows his nest. Next task, which Marines love. What's your next task? I have designated you out of here from 8 to 8:30. I want you to go spend 30 minutes intentionally going down Luke's journaling protocol. I want you to go down here and begin to write the stuff out that you're. That you're circulating. And then I'll tell your husband, social media news isn't real news. Our bodies are simply not designed to metabolize every crisis imagined, not real or Real from every corner of planet Earth. And I know the pushback is. Oh, what a privilege. It's not a privilege. It's biology. We can't absorb all of the chaos coming at us through all of the news, all of the insanity. What we can do is the next right thing, period. And so hang on the line here. I'm gonna hook you up with those books. And dude, if your husband ever wants to call in, he sounds like a truly amazing man and I'd love to talk to him if he'd be willing to call. And also. But give that a shot and begin y' all walk through Building an Unanxious Life together, the book. And follow those steps. There's questions at the end of every chapter that y' all can go through together and identify some of these big alarms going off inside of his chest and begin to solve for those. And I tell you what, after years of being unconscious pharmaceutically to sleep, man, I can't. I can't. I can barely get my head on my pillow before I'm out now. And sleep is such a gift, but it's just dealing with the core inside out pathway. So thank you so, so much for the call. I'm really grateful as an honor to talk to you. And by the way, thanks for loving your husband and thanks for allowing him to love you all. I mean, it just sounds like you'll have an amazing chaotic, but an amazing home. We come back, a man asks how to help his wife when she finds that some of my advice is a little too complicated. I can't wait for this one. I talk a lot on my show about boundaries. Emotional boundaries, relational, financial. But there's one boundary that almost nobody talks about. Your digital life right now. Your personal information, your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school. It's sitting on countless websites that you've never heard of and you didn't give them permission to have that data. But it's out there. Let's be honest. It's not just annoying, it's a violation. This constant exposure of our personal data, this exposure that we don't even know where it's coming from. It creates this anxiety that just hums in the background of your life. Something always feels a little bit off. And that's why I use Delete me. Delete Me goes after the data brokers and the people finder sites that collect and resell your information without your permission. They track down your information and they remove it. And every few months, they send you a report showing you exactly what They've done. This is taking control of your digital boundaries. It's about Peace. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 20% off. That's join DeleteMe.com DeLoney to save 20% off. Go right now and create some digital boundaries. All right, we're back. Let's go out to St. Louis, Missouri, and talk to J.P. what up, J.P. hey, Dr. Don.

[Caller (J.P.)]

How's it going?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Doing great. How about you, man?

[Caller (J.P.)]

Well, I've had better days, but I'll just get to the question here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, let's do it.

[Caller (J.P.)]

So it kind of started out about a year ago or so. I set an alarm on my phone every single day. I made a commitment to myself and to my wife. I'm gonna ask you what you need from me today, every. Every day. So my question is there is. Is there anything I can do for you when this alarm goes off and we're normally together when it goes out? That has worked out pretty well. We were in the habit of this for about a year, and then I changed it. I was like, how can I love you today? And she's like, wow, that's a really deep question. I don't know how to answer that. There's a lot of things where, like, I. I want to kind of delve real deep into. Okay, you know, let's get into this. Let's figure it out. Let's come up with action steps. And it feels a lot like that's just really overwhelming for her, and I'm not sure exactly how to handle that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Man. Thanks for loving your wife. I wish I had had the same understanding and the same desire to love my wife when I was three years into my marriage. Good on you, man. Good on you. My experience has been that for millions of people, feeling your feelings came at an extreme cost. So possibly growing up, feeling scared, feeling frustrated, feeling angry, were things that got you hit, things that got you in trouble, things that caused raised voices in the house. And so it can feel terrifying when somebody looks at you and says, how can I love you next? Because a similar interaction in a childhood came at a. At a terrifying cost.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does that ring a bell or no?

[Caller (J.P.)]

Oh, no, that totally rings true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And so it goes back to. And again, this is a way gross over generalization of it. Often men want to know what to do next.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah. And certainly, certainly the case here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Women want to feel this situation, and they're really intuitive and often brilliant in what to do next, but they really want someone to Sit with them. And if they've been told their whole lives that their feelings don't count, they're not real, they don't matter. Your, your feelings come second to making sure I'm okay. That reversal can feel threatening.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah, I hear that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so maybe a different approach to maybe the best way you can love her sometimes is to say, hey, can I sit with you for 20 minutes? And you talk with me for five? And we're going to flip it around. Or to put it this way, one of the most loving things my wife ever said to me was when she popped into the house one night and she said, hey, go turn on the office or Brooklyn Nine. Nine. One of those old shows that we just watched the reruns a thousand times. She said, I need to borrow your nervous system.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that was her saying, I don't want to talk to you right now. I just need to lean up against your presence for a while.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you need to know that took us probably 17 or 18 years for her to, A, be able to articulate that and B, for me to have a safe enough healed up nervous system that it was not gonna make her more anxious sitting up next to me than before.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So when you say, hey, how can I love you today? Tell me what her response is.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Well, especially because I kind of rolled it into something I was already doing before.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller (J.P.)]

The response is generally, I, I liked your other question. That one. I, I don't, I don't like this one. This one. It's, it's too complicated. It's too deep. I, I, it feels like the subtext almost of it is like, I don't have the words to talk about that right now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ah, okay. And what do you feel like she's missing? Or what do you feel like she's holding back? Or. Let me ask you a different way. Does that make you feel like you don't have a purpose in your house? Or can you see a wife who's struggling and you don't know how to support her?

[Caller (J.P.)]

I mean, kind of both of us. Yeah. Like, and I've felt this way a lot. You know, just a bit of context here. My, my wife is a survivor of sexual abuse, and she grew up, like, home to home to home to home to home. Like, she's had a really, really rough go of things up till now, and that has been pretty reasonable. And she is in therapy and stuff to heal from that. And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you all in therapy?

[Caller (J.P.)]

I am not. It's kind of a money y' all together.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No okay, here, here's where you guys going together is going to be really important. The thing that was weaponized, basically, she got poisoned with oxygen growing up, or she got poisoned with water growing up.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Except her poison was connection.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so we have to have water and oxygen in connection to live yet. That was the thing that took everything from her.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so she's gonna a, have to heal from, like, from, like, her body is going to have to learn that she is safe in the present, and she wasn't safe back then, which is trauma healing is really important, but also she's going to have to learn, y' all are going to have to learn that connection is not electric. Connection is not going to get her hurt again. And so that's going to be a process that you all have to practice together. And if she's a survivor in the way that you demonstrated that, I mean, way you said that, y' all are going to have to get a professional to walk alongside you. Right. Because she might come out and say, okay, I can tell the story of my childhood sexual abuse, and my body won't take off on me. It won't try to keep me safe in the present. I might be able healing. I'll be able to know this is my home and it's not going to get yanked out from under me every 18 months. But then when you pop in and say, how can I love you today? Boom, all the alarms are back on.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because you've added that other person into this equation again. And so her being able to practice safety with you in the presence of somebody who can walk her through that and do the breathing exercises and do the, the appropriate touch exercise, like those kind of things. That's going to be instrumental to y' all learning to heal together.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Otherwise, can it can. The trauma healing can create a, a new wall. It's just got, it's just got bigger borders. Yeah, that makes sense.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah, it does. You know, I, I, I tend toward, you know, when I do ask these questions and get this kind of response, it usually is something like, well, I mean, surely there must be something I can do, because if I can't do anything for you, then I like that. Breaks my heart.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Okay. Can I challenge you hard on this?

[Caller (J.P.)]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have to be careful not to use your wife to make you feel better.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So I, I just launched a marriage app with this very thing in mind. Not trauma survivors, but tiny little steps. And I'm gonna give it to you and your wife for free. Okay.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't even know how to do that. But the zeros and ones, nerds who made this thing, they're amazing. They'll. We'll figure it out. Here's. Here's the thing. I want you all to practice. Okay. And this is. You're gonna laugh and you're gonna roll your eyes. I want y' all to commit. If she's safe with this. Okay. If she's okay with this. And, and you can ask her. Not what I can do for you, but you can ask her. Hey, would you be willing to do this for me? Sure. In the morning, a 30 second hug, no talking. Right when you. Right when you or her get home from work, a 30 second hug, no talking Right before bed. Even if you all just have just had sex. Even y' all just watch a show right before you go to sleep. Hold hands or under the covers. Just touch your feet together. And to distill it down SOS, get on skin contact. And here's what we're practicing. I don't want anything from you. I don't need anything from you. You aren't trying to solve something in me and I'm not trying to solve something in you. But our bodies are safe together.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm telling you, that sounds so cheesy. And it will transform your marriage. It'll transform your marriage. Or if y' all are just on the couch watching tv, for God's sake, don't watch a medium sized screen while also looking at a little screen. Just ask. Will you hold my hand?

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And for a sexual. A trauma, a sexual abuse survivor, asking is a way to begin to practice safety. Hey, will you hold my hand? And she might tell you, stop asking. Just grab my hand. Awesome. Now we're. We're out. We're at the next level of safety.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. Or can I just rub your feet while we sit here? And you're going to want to solve problems big engine style. Like, let's fix the pistons in this thing.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Caller]

For sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What she is probably desperately in need of is to make sure the road she's driving on is safe.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To make sure that the tires have air in them. And that is not sexy, but that is where healing begins.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah, no, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Got it. And so this app is simply, you get one daily task a day. That's it. And it could be. It could be. We're gonna go for a 10 minute walk. We're gonna chit chat. 30 second hug. And it builds over time. And the more you do things in a Row. It unlocks bigger and bigger things as y' all walk together. It's. It's. These guys are amazing, what they built. But, yeah, I think what we have across the country is an epidemic of two people who really love each other, and they are flying past each other because one person's trying to solve the other person. And then you get in this, well, I need to be able to solve something or I don't have any purpose. And then I'm using you. And then I back off, but I need you here. Like, it just creates this. This chaos. 30 second hug before I walk out the door. 30 second hug right when I get home. No phones, just falling asleep with our feet touching each other.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah, Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's these teeny, tiny little things. Because I'm telling you right now, this is going to sound awful. Okay, Can. Can you just say, like, hey, I know we're on the same team. Oh, yeah. All right. You promise?

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller (J.P.)]

100.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If somebody continually used her growing up, her body, from a thousand miles away, detects somebody who is trying to get something from her.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you are trying to in any way, even in. With the most loving intent, use her so that you feel like you have purpose. Her body is. Would be failing her if it didn't sound every alarm she's got.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Oh, for sure. Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And so it's easy when you say, what can I do for you today? Because she can hand you a task, a chore, and sometimes that's. I mean, in my house, dude, that is love language. Right? Take care of the dishes or whatever. But when you say, how can I love you today? Whoa. And then when she says nothing, and then she. You start to spin up, like, well, I need to be able to. Man, her body's like, run, run, run. This guy needs something from you. And if we're not careful, he's going to take it. And so let's start really small. Let's just do one week. And you don't even have to tell her this is a project. Just say it would mean a lot to me. Can I get a 30 second hug before we go? What? I'm too. 30 seconds. 15 seconds. Okay? And I want you to consciously drop your shoulders when you hug her. Consciously be sturdy. Consciously drop your shoulders when you walk in the door. 30 second hook right before you go to bed. Can I feel your feet next to mine? Your feet are too cold. All right. Will you hold my hand? And then eventually, yeah, you roll over, go to sleep. But we're gonna start Little by little by little, baby, baby, baby steps. And dude, I'm telling you right now, the world needs more men like you who don't want to fix their wives, but want to love and support and care for them. And so, dude, I applaud you. Hang on the line and we're gonna get you hooked up with this app. I don't know how we're gonna figure, I don't know how, if there's codes or anything, but we will figure this out. We come back, A woman wonders if she should push her son to do sports. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Most of us are guilty of oversharing with the wrong person at one time or another. Or maybe you're like me and you're just a bit of an oversharer all the time. Let's be honest, our entire culture is based on oversharing, and everyone is giving everyone else advice on what they should be eating and what their mental and emotional health should look like. Some of this advice may be good, but a ton of this advice is nonsense. And as fun as it can be to talk about everyday stuff with everyone all of the time, when you need help with your relationships with anxiety, depression, or other clinical issues, regular people, especially people just all over the Internets, may not have the right answers. You need real guidance from a licensed therapist who follows a strict code of conduct. And that's why I recommend reaching out to my friends at Better Help. BetterHelp is the largest online therapy provider in the world, and that means no matter what you're facing, chances are BetterHelp has someone who specializes in exactly that challenge. And BetterHelp is totally online, which means it's easy to fit therapy into your busy schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions, nothing weird or scary, and they will connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. BetterHelp has been matching people with therapists for over 10 years, and their 4.9 rating shows that they usually get it right. Find the right one with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp H E L p.com/deloney all right, this past month, we had the biggest time consumed, the biggest number of people watching the Dr. John DeLoney show on YouTube Ever in history, more than 100 million views, and our podcast numbers continue to go up at a rate that is hard to Even calculate both on Apple, on Spotify and the other platforms. And very few of you are hitting the subscribe button or the download button. Please. It helps the algorithm so much. I'm not begging, but kind of am. Costs no money. It takes two seconds just to hit the subscribe button. Just to hit the. The share button. If there's an episode that you want to pass along to a friend. If you want to be really gangster and really go over the top, go leave a five star review on whatever platform you're reviewing this on or listening to this on. Man, it makes such a difference for a thousand different reasons. Thank you so, so much. Just hit the subscribe button and help change your neighbors and their neighbors and their neighbor's life too. All right, let's go out to San Francisco, California and talk to Laura. What's up, Laura?

[Caller]

Hi, Doctor. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm great. How are you?

[Caller]

I'm well, thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Caller]

Thank you so much for taking my call. My son introduced me to you two years ago and you're in our house daily.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old yourself?

[Caller]

So he's 18 now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Excellent.

[Caller]

So you're raising a genius.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're raising a genius.

[Caller]

I hope so. Thank you. So my question is, I forced my 13 year old son to play tackle football.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

He's been in it about three weeks. I know. It's what my late husband would have wanted me to do. And his older brother is adamant or was adamant that he play as well. And I just continue to struggle with being mom and dad and want to help on how to support him and making sure his feelings are acknowledged. Also.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about dad. What was your husband's name?

[Caller]

Oh, God, his. His name was Mark.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Mark. When did he pass away?

[Caller]

September, 2021.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Pretty amazing.

[Caller]

Incredible.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. How many little ones do you have? I guess the ones in your house are huge now. How many huge ones do you have now?

[Caller]

Yeah. Two.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Two. And you guys all miss Mark, huh?

[Caller]

Every single day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Man. I'm both heartbroken here with you and I want to tell you, earlier this summer, my wife left me and my daughter alone for nine days. And I didn't ended up knowing. We ended up eating ice cream on the couch for dinner one night. So I can't tell you. You are an absolute rock star. You're doing a job that nobody wants and you're doing it admirably and I'm proud of you. Okay.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I don't know Mark from the man of the moon, but I'm a husband too. And If I was to pass away and I knew my wife was reaching out this many years later asking the same question, I want you to know that I would be looking down with deep love and pride. Okay, you're honoring Mark Wells, what I want to tell you.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. As for this question, it's near and dear to my heart. Okay? So I was a Texas high school football player at a Super 5A high school. That means I went to church on Friday nights and then I went to church again on Sunday mornings. Okay? The church in Texas of Texas high school football. And then church of whatever religion I was a part of, right? My Christian church. And they kind of ran neck and neck, to be honest with you. And so I get this question. I also have a way more physically talented 15 year old son that is actually bigger than I am now who is a high school kid right now, okay? And every single Uncle Rico bone in my body wants him to be a football student, right? And he is an immensely talented cross country runner. And so I have had to step back and say, what are my principles here? What are my values? And then what part of my high school life am I trying to relive through my 15 year old? Okay? And so here is, here is where I've landed. The data on young people participating in some sort of physical activity or sport is overwhelming. That lifetime success, lifetime support, lifetime relationships are better, lifetime health when they participate in organized sports as kids. And I say kids all the way up to 18 year olds. I know 18 year olds are adults, whatever, but they're kids. And so the rule I had in my house with my 9 year old and with my 15 year old, and I'm just answering this, as I would do in my house, okay, Laura, is I was good at football. I could have been great, and I wasn't. I didn't work as hard as I could have. I wasn't very tough. I was just super, super fast, okay? And so I always had this thing in my head like, my boy's gonna. It's just pure Uncle Rico. Like, if I got in the game, I would have won the state meet. Like, I was that guy. Okay? What I've had to exhale and learn, actually got this from Jocko, by the way, Navy SEAL guy. Like, my son's not me, thank God, he's not me. And so my values are this, you have to participate in some sort of sport, period. And both of my kids have to participate in some sort of the arts theater, playing an instrument, some sort of creative act, okay? Because there's data on that too. And so it's not an option of can I just do nothing and play video games or I have to play football. It is, you get to choose within this boundary. And what I give my kid when I do that is I give them autonomy, I give them choice, which is something they're going to practice. They get to begin to learn their own body. I actually don't like this, but I know I need to do. I have to do something in this realm. Right. And so it's kind of like when they're a little kid, I hear parents say like where do you want to eat, honey? That's too much pressure for a kid. They can't carry the weight of the house. But when they say do you want Chick Fil A or do you want Burger King? Then they feel like there's a choice. But really that choice is made by you. It's bounded up. Right. And so if I had, if I was in your situation, I would want to get to the value underneath what my amazing late husband was getting at. He understands the value of hard work, of being told what to do by other men. Right. Having coaches, right. That are different than me. The, the value of teamwork, the value of thinking you've gone as hard as you can go, as far as you can go and then a well meaning coach pushes you further than you could thought you could have gone and you grow from. Right. All those things. Strength. Yeah, all that. And so let's get to the value underneath what Mark was getting at and then we can sit down with your son. And by the way, your other boys do not get a vote, period.

[Caller (J.P.)]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They don't get a vote. They're teenagers. They're not allowed to buy beer yet. Why? Because we have a society have said your brains aren't formed. You don't get, you don't get a vote. Okay. And I want to applaud them for doing the best they could. Your other son of puffing his chest out and saying, I'm going to try in my 18 year old skin to sort of fill the vacuum of this amazing man that passed away.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So he's doing his job. He's doing this 18 year old job and I love it. But he also needs to side eye and make sure the adult in the house is the one running the show. And so you sitting down with your kid. Tell me about your, your son who's playing right now, three weeks in. How old is he?

[Caller]

Yes. Thirteen.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thirteen. Okay. So freshman. Eighth grade.

[Caller]

Eighth grade. Going into eighth grade.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Going into eighth grade. So he's been doing two a days in the heat. Tell me about it.

[Caller]

Yeah, it. It's in the evenings.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

For a couple hours it's been okay. You know, I definitely. He's not complaining too much about going. One day refused to go. He's terrified of getting hurt. So his body language out there is very uninterested in being there, but he gets through it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Did he volunteer for this or did you sign him up and say you're doing this?

[Caller]

I signed him up and said you're doing it because I did give him the choice, as you mentioned earlier. I sat him down and I said, you have to pick something and he wouldn't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so maybe three weeks in, you and him go to breakfast and I. I'm going to script a conversation here that may not be applicable. Take what you want from this script and make the rest of it your own. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Maybe lead in, just like I did with you. Hey, young son. I'll call him Tim. Hey, Tim. You're three weeks into football practice, and I just want to say I'm proud of you for showing up. I signed you up for this. And I could tell you don't want to be out there. I just want to tell you I'm proud of you. And I also want to acknowledge that we both missed dad. And I want to have that exhale with him because he misses his dad like crazy. And if it's still not something that's talked about in. In your house, if you don't still exhale with your boys one on one and say, God, I miss your dad then. And you're trying to be tough for them. You're trying to be both parents trying to do the next right thing. What will happen is they'll begin to feel crazy, like they're the only ones missing. And it will come out in anger, it will come out in aloofness. It will come out in, I just want to. I'm just going home. It will come out in anxieties about getting hurt or not being enough academically or whatever. Right. And so there's something about exhaling and saying, dude, I miss your dad when I see you out there. I miss him. And then now that he's three weeks in, being able to tell him, hey, it's not too late for you to choose another sport in this house. I value you getting out and participating. You got to do something. It can be jiu jitsu, it can be karate, it can be running it can be soccer. If you hate football, three weeks in, I'll tell you, I'm proud of you for going out there, but you got to do something. Are you. Are you interested in choosing something else? And let him exhale on that. And he might say, no, Mom. Now, if my kid. And I've. This happened with my daughter, she chose soccer. And then a couple weeks in, she's like, dad, I don't. And I said, no, no, no. You chose this, and you committed to your team. And so when the season's over, we can reevaluate. But you asked us, you came to us, and so we said, we're in, right? So I want her to. To learn the value of sticking to it. She gave her word to her team. She's going to show up, right? And she was like seven, right? So it wasn't over dramatic. Like, I'm making it now, but it's like, no, we're gonna. We. You signed up for this. If I had signed her up and said, you have to do this, which I did with a martial art once, I was like, you have to do this. My kids are going to be ninjas. Right? I sat down and said, hey, like, I forced you into this. Do you still want to keep doing this? Right? And so I think this is a great time, three weeks in, to circle back and say, you have to do something. But I want to honor the fact I signed you up for this. You wouldn't pick. I had to do something. Is there another thing you want to do?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And all of this, I think, I mean, you can tell me if I'm crazy. All of this is rooted in two things. One, there is value in kids doing organized sports. There is value in. Especially as they get into middle school and high school, there is value in kids being a part of the arts. And if you want to know the Deloney House, you got to do one thing in the arts, and you got to do one thing, at least one thing physically. And you've also heard me rant about travel, sports. This isn't about living vicariously through my kids. It is. I'm way more interested in them being coached by other men and women, by them learning to do hard, physical things, learning to be uncomfortable in the heat or in the cold, being outside. You know, whether it's, you know, getting kicked in a taekwondo class. But they've got to learn to do those things. And so they don't have an option whether to not participate in something, but they do have autonomy in picking the thing. And then I demand, like, you commit to your team. You gotta go all in. And when the season's over, dude, I'm all about reevaluating, but you gotta be the team player you told your team you would be. And that's one thing. The other thing here is, man, as Your son is 18 and he's either about to leave or he is on his way to college this year, sit down with him and talk about, hey, I want to tell you some things about your dad that you never knew. What an amazing young man he was in college. Some of the things that he did that were probably not too wise. Have those conversations with your 18 year old and let them process. Mom's still grieving. Because, mom, they can feel that grief on you. And if your grief turns into hardness and into rigidness and into this is the way it's going to be, they'll, they'll react accordingly. But man, letting them know you still miss Mark so much makes them feel less crazy. And then when you're 13 year old, same thing. And if he's scared of getting hurt, I get that we're gonna have to do some things because life's gonna hit you upside the head. I'm not gonna hit you, but life's gonna hit you upside the head. We gotta do some hard things, man. I miss dad too. So let's deal with the grief part of this and let's deal with the activity part of it. But I'm not a fan of forcing a kid to do a particular thing. I am a fan of giving bounded choices. You have to choose something, some sort of activity, some sort of physical activity, and you got to participate. And in this house, we go all in when we say. When we give our word, we commit. Laura, you are an absolute amazing person. You're a great mom. You continue to agree, be a great partner to Mark. And these kids are lucky, lucky to have you. It's been an honor talking with you. You call any anytime. We'll be right back. School is back in action. The summer is long gone. The days are getting shorter, the Q4 work stresses are hitting hard. And if you're like me, we're finding ourselves wanting to just numb out more and more. Especially at nighttime. We have to be intentional about protecting our sleep. Because here's the truth. How we sleep is a big part of how well we feel. When our bodies aren't resting, our minds can't reset. One of the most important things we do to stay mentally sharp, emotionally steady, and able to show up for our families for Our workplaces and for our kids is getting good sleep. And that's why I'm constantly telling you about Helix mattresses. Helix builds mattresses just for you, not some generic average sleeper. So whether you're a hot sleeper, a side sleeper, a back sleeper, or somewhere in between, Helix designs mattresses around you, you, I want you to take the Helix sleep quiz. I did it. It takes, like two minutes, and they're going to match you with exactly the right mattress just for you. And right now, my audience can get an exclusive 25% off during their extended Labor Day sale. Go to helixsleep.com DeLoney for 25% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com DeLoney and tell them you heard about their great mattresses right here on this show with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. All right, Kelly, Something awesome happened.

[Kelly]

All right, so this is from Brian, who called in about a year ago with the fact that he was dating his son's best friend's mom. And they were trying, like younger sons. They were, I think elementary, middle school, and they had started dating, but they hadn't told the boys yet. All right, so Brian writes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, sweet.

[Kelly]

Almost a year ago, I called in and had a conversation with you about how I should go about telling my kids that I'm dating their best friend's mom. I am super happy to say that it went amazing and we are all now living together as family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gross.

[Kelly]

The kids could not be happier during our call. John said it sounded like a high school romance. I'm proud to say that my love for my girlfriend has only gotten stronger and deeper over the past year. While there's been some difficult times throughout the last year, we've handled them together as a team and have come out stronger than before. I believe we are meant for each other and I will be proposing later this year. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, congratulations. You'll probably edit this part out. I have no idea what I told that guy. What did I tell him?

[Kelly]

I believe it was just like, you know, sitting down with the kids and being honest, but not too honest.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Not super honest.

[Kelly]

Not super honest, but being honest with them about we're friends and we're seeing each other and making sure to give each set of kids a place to, you know, to talk about it and things like that.

[Caller]

So.

[Kelly]

Well, whatever you said, it worked.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good for you, Brian. And by the way, your son will always have the one up on her son, because whenever they get into an argument, he can just be like, my dad is making out with your mom. And it will always be a way to win a cut down war. Which is. And it's a cornerstone. It's an important part of being a young boy is figuring out how do I win this argument we're having. Don't you think, Kelly? No.

[Kelly]

Never. Having been a young boy, I'm not 100% certain, but sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All the guys in the booth are nodding. That's an important piece of information. So well done.

[Kelly]

Yeah, you did a good job.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'll accept it. I accept it. Brian. Congratulations, dude. Send us a wedding invitation. Kelly's probably gonna throw hers away, but I will put mine on my mirror. I probably won't, but. Dude, send it. Love you guys. Bye.