The Dr. John Delony Show
Episode: Sleeping With My Husband Is Driving Me Crazy
Date: September 29, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)
Episode Overview
In this episode, Dr. John Delony fields deeply relatable calls about the realities of marriage, parenting, mental health, and personal growth. Themes include sleep struggles in marriage, supporting partners with trauma histories, navigating single-parenthood and teen autonomy after loss, and celebrating relationship wins. With warmth and candor, Dr. Delony emphasizes empathy, vulnerability, and small, intentional steps toward emotional safety and connection.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Sleep Struggles in Marriage with Young Children
Caller: Carrie from Boston
Timestamp: 00:05 – 14:20
- Carrie’s Situation: Carrie, mother of six young children, calls in to discuss her husband’s lifelong sleep issues, which have worsened with the demands of parenting and family chaos.
- Symptoms Described: Husband has difficulty “shutting off his mind,” is a deep thinker, and even before kids struggled with sleep. Standard sleep hygiene interventions have failed due to the unpredictability of their home.
- Dr. Delony’s Insight:
- Distinguishes sleep hygiene from core anxiety, arguing the latter is often the hidden issue:
“Almost everybody in this situation is dealing with some sort of underlying anxiousness that is not related to sleep hygiene.” (04:32)
- Explains from experience that anxiety, not just environmental factors, often drives sleeplessness, especially for parents with heavy responsibilities:
“His body would be failing him if it let him sleep all night, because that's an existential threat to his responsibility to keep a household afloat.” (05:48)
- Suggests sleep is a “biological function” that modern anxieties disrupt—not something solved by gadgets alone.
- Distinguishes sleep hygiene from core anxiety, arguing the latter is often the hidden issue:
- Root Causes Identified:
- Financial anxieties (mortgage, tuition, job security).
- Lack of a social support tribe, particularly for men.
- Perfectionism and “threat scanning,” especially for ex-military like Carrie’s husband.
- Actionable Advice:
- Prioritize emotional and relational security over sleep hacks.
- Encourage Carrie’s husband to rekindle male friendships and participate in group activities:
“It's a nightmare [for men to make friends]. A nightmare.” (09:15)
- Take time to journal outside bedtime to process stress (“Holy Work” guided practice, as recommended by Dr. Delony).
- Gift of Space: Provide weekly “off-duty” time for her husband to decompress and process outside the home:
“Honey, Wednesday nights, I don’t want you in this house...go get some guy friends...go to the gym...join a stupid softball league.” (13:09)
- Reduce news/media intake to lower generalized anxiety.
- Read “Building an Unanxious Life” together as a couple.
- Memorable Quote:
“If the only time your brain has the space to process the chaos going inside your heart and your mind is when you put your head on your pillow, it will take that time and it will do it till 1 a.m.” (11:01 – 11:40)
2. Supporting a Partner with Trauma and the Need for Connection
Caller: J.P., St. Louis, MO
Timestamp: 18:00 – 29:15
- J.P.’s Dilemma: J.P. wants to intentionally love and support his wife, a survivor of childhood trauma, but finds his efforts (“How can I love you today?”) overwhelming for her.
- Dr. Delony’s Insight:
- Many people grow up learning their feelings are unsafe or don’t matter; deep questions can feel scary:
“For millions of people, feeling your feelings came at an extreme cost.” (19:04)
- Men are often action-oriented (“what can I do?”) while women may crave just presence and non-urgent connection.
- For trauma survivors, “connection” was weaponized; intentional relationship-building must go at their pace.
- Many people grow up learning their feelings are unsafe or don’t matter; deep questions can feel scary:
- Advice for Emotional Safety:
- Recommend couples therapy to process trauma together, not just individually.
- Establish safe, physical, nonverbal habits (30-second hug in morning, after work, before bed).
- Prioritize touch and presence over fixing:
“I don’t want anything from you. I don’t need anything from you. ... But our bodies are safe together.” (27:17)
- Avoid turning to one’s partner to meet one’s own need for purpose (“be careful not to use your wife to make you feel better”).
- Practical Exercise:
- Simple daily physical affection (hold hands, touch feet under covers, etc).
- J.P. is gifted access to Delony’s marriage app focusing on tiny daily connection steps.
- Memorable Quotes:
- “If you are trying to, in any way, even in—with the most loving intent—use her so that you feel like you have purpose, her body would be failing her if it didn’t sound every alarm she’s got.” (29:41)
- “Thirty second hug before I walk out the door. Thirty second hug right when I get home. No phones. Just falling asleep with our feet touching each other.” (29:10)
3. Navigating Single Parenting and Teen Autonomy After Loss
Caller: Laura, San Francisco
Timestamp: 34:21 – 46:22
- Laura’s Situation: Widow with two teenage sons. She made her 13-year-old play tackle football to honor what her late husband would have wanted, but struggles with feeling like she’s both mom and dad.
- Parenting Challenge: 13-year-old is terrified of getting hurt, doesn’t want to play, but didn’t choose another activity.
- Dr. Delony’s Framework:
- Principles over nostalgia: Discusses how his own experience as a football player affects his parenting impulses (“Uncle Rico syndrome”).
- Cites research: Participation in sports and arts is vital for adolescent development—kids need both.
- Bounded Choice:
“It’s not an option of can I just do nothing and play video games or I have to play football. ... It is, you get to choose within this boundary.” (37:48)
- Letting Go & Processing Grief:
- Advise periodic, honest, emotional check-ins with children (“I miss Dad”).
- Give children agency within structured limits (must do a physical and a creative activity, pick which).
- Older siblings “don’t get a vote” on what younger siblings must do.
- Allow for re-evaluation after a trial period.
- Sample Conversation Script: (For Laura to use with her son)
- “I signed you up for this. I could tell you don't want to be out there. ... Is there another thing you want to do?” (43:28)
- Memorable Moments:
- Dr. Delony empathizes as a fellow bereaved parent and affirms Laura’s resilience:
“You are an absolute rock star. ... You’re doing a job that nobody wants and you’re doing it admirably and I’m proud of you.” (36:30)
- Dr. Delony empathizes as a fellow bereaved parent and affirms Laura’s resilience:
4. Listener Success Story
Shared by: Kelly (Producer)
Timestamp: 50:50 – 53:02
- Follow-up from Previous Caller (Brian):
- Brian called a year prior about dating his son’s best friend’s mom and seeking advice on telling the kids.
- Update: Both families have blended successfully, and Brian is planning a proposal—kids are happy.
- Dr. Delony’s Reflection:
- Lightheartedly celebrates: “Gross. ... My dad is making out with your mom. ... It will always be a way to win a cut down war.”
- Points to the importance of honest but age-appropriate communication during family transitions.
Notable Quotes & Moments
-
On Sleep & Anxiety:
“It allows all of us to create an amazing amount of theater around a core, what I would call biological function.”
(04:54, Dr. Delony) -
On Men's Friendships:
“It's a nightmare [for men to make friends]. A nightmare.”
(09:15, Dr. Delony) -
On Immediate Action for Overwhelm:
“If the only time your brain has the space to process the chaos going inside your heart and your mind is when you put your head on your pillow, it will take that time and it will do it till 1 a.m.”
(11:01, Dr. Delony) -
On Trauma, Boundaries, and Connection:
“Connection was the thing that took everything from her... We have to have water and oxygen and connection to live, yet that was the thing that took everything from her.”
(23:32, Dr. Delony) -
On “Fixing” Your Partner:
“Be careful not to use your wife to make you feel better.”
(25:43, Dr. Delony) -
On Parenting After Loss:
“Let’s get to the value underneath what Mark was getting at and then we can sit down with your son. ... And you sitting down with your kid.”
(41:28, Dr. Delony) -
Listener Win:
“My dad is making out with your mom. ... Which is an important part of being a young boy is figuring out how do I win this argument we're having.”
(52:14, Dr. Delony)
Timestamps for Key Segments
- 00:05 – Sleep, Marriage, and Young Kids (Carrie, Boston)
- 04:32 – Anxiety as the Sleep Culprit
- 11:01 – The Role of Bedtime Processing
- 13:09 – Creating Space for Spouses
- 18:00 – Loving a Partner with Trauma (J.P., St. Louis)
- 19:04 – Emotional Safety & Childhood Conditioning
- 27:16 – Building Trust through Daily Touch
- 34:21 – Parenting & Honoring a Late Spouse (Laura, San Francisco)
- 37:48 – Sports/Arts Bounded Choice Framework
- 43:28 – Constructing “You Have to Choose” Conversation
- 50:50 – Listener Success Story Update (Brian blending families)
Tone & Style
Dr. Delony delivers practical wisdom with warmth, directness, and humor, weaving in empathetic validation and self-disclosure. He gives actionable, small steps while spotlighting the emotional complexity of family life.
Summary
- Addressing family and personal challenges is less about perfect routines and more about facing the underlying emotional realities.
- Sleep struggles and relationship disconnection are often rooted in anxiety, not just bad habits—creating safety, emotional processing, and social connection is key.
- For partners and parents, simple, consistent acts of presence and vulnerability far outstrip grand gestures or “fix it” solutions.
- Parenting through loss means blending firmness (structure) with empathy (grief validation) and choice (bounded autonomy).
- Real-life wins and follow-ups provide hope and practical proof that honest, intentional love can transform families.
Listening to this episode offers reassurance that the messiness of marriage, parenting, and healing is universal—and hope that with empathy, honesty, and baby steps, progress is possible.