The Girl I Dated Put Something in My Drink . . .

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: The Girl I Dated Put Something in My Drink . . .
Date: November 7, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony, Ramsey Network

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Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show features powerful, deeply personal conversations with callers dealing with trauma, infidelity, and co-parenting conflicts. Dr. John provides direct, compassionate insight on coping with sexual assault as a man, rebuilding marital trust after an affair, and managing the challenges of co-parenting across dramatically different households. The core thread throughout is about taking ownership, seeking authentic healing, and moving forward with wisdom and integrity, especially through unexpected and painful circumstances.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Coping with Sexual Assault as a Man

Caller: Tony from Princeton, NJ
Segment Timestamp: [00:28]–[15:33]

• Tony’s Story: Tony shares that, after a second date with a woman he met, he lost memory of the night and woke up with strong indications he had been drugged and raped ([00:20], [01:41]). He struggles with disorientation, fear, and loss of safety—emotions he’s never experienced before.

  “I realize now I’ve never lived with fear in my whole life for anything. And now I’m living with fear of everything.” — Tony, [04:22]

• Dr. John's Response: Dr. John affirms Tony’s courage and stresses it's not his fault, emphasizing trauma isn’t about physical strength but about loss of autonomy:

  “You didn’t lose control of yourself, Tony. You had your autonomy stolen from you.” — Dr. John, [03:01]

• Understanding Trauma:

  • Trauma is described as a severing from reality and self.
  • Dr. John discusses how men can feel shame due to stereotypes and the incongruity between their physicality and what happened ([03:18]–[04:56]).

• Path to Healing:

  • Immediate intellectual understanding isn’t enough; Tony must engage with trauma-focused therapy.
  • Healing involves reconnecting with reality, acknowledging constant risk but regaining a safe baseline state ([05:07]–[06:47]).
  • Dr. John stresses the importance of patience and grace: “It’s very, very fresh. So give yourself some grace, okay? Give yourself some grace.” [06:49]

• Triggers & Grief:

  • Tony describes panic when encountering someone similar to his attacker, and missing major events due to anxiety.
  • Dr. John explains: “That’s healing. That same wiring is the wiring used... when you got attacked by a tiger... Give yourself grace. You're not going to go back to a time of innocence. That’s what makes assault and rape so awful, is it steals innocence.” ([07:47]–[08:49])
  • Dr. John normalizes Tony’s reactions, underlining how common self-blame is for victims ([12:04]–[12:11]).

• Practical Next Steps:

  • Stay in active trauma therapy (“...sit with that therapist and say, I'm ready. Go face a dragon.” [15:26]).
  • Keep a journal to track “stories” and emotional experiences ([15:41]).
  • Accept that there is no going back—only a new way forward, rebuilt with wisdom, boundaries, and self-compassion.

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2. Living With Integrity After Infidelity

Caller: Marie from Fargo, ND
Segment Timestamp: [21:46]–[36:07]

• Marie’s Situation:

  • She confessed to her husband about a two-year affair that began during his military deployment, initially framing it as only emotional due to fear of his reaction ([22:02]–[23:44]).
  • Now, after full disclosure, she struggles with guilt, fears about repeating mistakes, and her husband’s lingering distrust as he prepares for another deployment.

• Dr. John’s Guidance:

  • Genuine integrity begins with full ownership, not blaming circumstances or spousal behavior:

    “Ownership after infidelity is... I chose to sleep and have sex with somebody else that I wasn’t married to. Yeah, that’s the root of the integrity you’re seeking here.” ([25:33])

  • Acknowledges that disclosure is not the same as integrity—real change comes with responsibility and behavioral commitment.

• Restoring Trust:

  • The betrayed partner gets to set the terms for rebuilding trust (transparency, passwords, accountability)—and Marie must decide if she is committed to this process ([29:10]–[30:01]).
  • Dr. John underlines the futility of trying to make her husband feel safe while he’s away; it's a natural consequence of betrayal and distance.

• Marie’s Deeper Hesitation:

  • When asked, Marie admits uncertainty about even wanting to remain married (“I want my kids to have a happy family.” — Marie, [34:28]), exposing deeper relational fractures.
  • Dr. John encourages her to confront these truths directly and initiate hard, honest conversations:

    “You need to go sit with him and be honest about that. That’s integrity.” ([34:44])

  • Emphasizes mutual ownership and no more secrets:

    “It is exhaling and becoming whole, taking full ownership of your actions and then saying, how can I reestablish trust with you?” ([36:07])

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3. Co-Parenting With Different Values

Caller: Rachel from Grand Rapids, MI
Segment Timestamp: [40:13]–[53:29]

• Rachel’s Dilemma:

  • Recently remarried, Rachel faces opposition from her ex-husband, who dislikes her household’s structured, religious upbringing for their child ([41:20]–[42:06]).
  • The ex has tried legal action to prevent certain practices (e.g., attending church), doubts communication, and occasionally has public meltdowns at child exchanges.

• Dr. John’s Approach:

  • When civil discussion is impossible, the ex “doesn’t get a vote.” Rachel should focus on her household’s values and not let her ex’s behavior dictate daily life:

    “...if y’all can’t sit down and have a conversation like adults... he doesn’t get a vote. Y’all are divorced. As long as you are honoring those children and not abusing those children and raising them in the way that you know and your new spouse knows is the most loving whole way we can treat these kids.” ([44:08]–[44:32])

  • Anticipate recurring conflict and accept that occasional legal disputes may be unavoidable: “You will end up back in court...Trying to live every second to not end up in court, it doesn’t keep you out of court. It just ruins your day.” ([46:02])

• Managing Emotional Fallout:

  • Dr. John encourages Rachel to “not let someone else walk into my living room and ruin my day” ([47:41]).
  • He uses empathy to contextualize her ex’s occasional outbursts, while still reinforcing boundaries and safety: “I'm not excusing what he did. I'm just trying to give you some healing paths so that nine months later, every drop off, you don't grip the steering wheel extra tight.” ([52:37])
  • Focus on the long game in parenting, not winning weekend battles:

    “I want a 25-year-old young adult who looks back and says, ‘Oh my gosh, my mom stuck to her values and loved me well.’ ” ([53:19])

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4. Am I the Problem? (Listener Mailbag)

Question: Should I ask my brother not to bring his wife (a serial cheater) to family events?
Segment Timestamp: [58:38]–[61:54]

• Dr. John’s Direct Answer:
  • Boundaries are warranted when someone repeatedly hurts your loved ones:

    “...if you are my sister, my brother, my in laws, my whoever, there comes a moment where your actions shift you to a person that is making my mother cry. You're a person that's hurting my brother or my sister or my dad, whoever. And I being a person of character will not sit by and be quiet when someone is … actively hurting someone I love and care about.” ([59:50])

  • He distinguishes between setting boundaries and being a doormat or “turning the other cheek” ([61:54]).

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Notable Quotes

• Dr. John:

  • “You had your autonomy stolen from you.” [03:01]
  • “The definition of trauma is a disconnection from yourself. It severs the tie between you and what you know to be real and true.” [03:27]
  • “You're not going to go back to a time of innocence. That's what makes assault and rape so awful, is it steals innocence.” [08:49]
  • “Ownership after infidelity is… I chose to sleep and have sex with somebody else that I wasn’t married to. That’s the root of the integrity you’re seeking here.” [25:33]
  • “You trying to solve that for him. That's a fool’s errand. You can't do that. It's just gonna…be a thing you're gonna have to metabolize.” [30:01]
  • “If y’all can’t sit down and have a conversation like adults… he doesn't get a vote. Y’all are divorced.” [44:08]
  • “Trying to live every minute, every second to not end up in court, it doesn’t keep you out of court. It just ruins your day.” [46:02]
  • “Turning the other cheek doesn't mean be a punching bag. And turning the other cheek doesn't mean be a doormat.” [61:54]

• Caller (Tony):

  • “I realize now I’ve never lived with fear in my whole life for anything. And now I’m living with fear of everything.” [04:22]
  • “There were signs that normally I pick up on and I’m having a very difficult time giving myself the grace like you were talking about before.” [10:50]

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Important Timestamps

• [00:28] Tony introduces his trauma story (drugged and assaulted on a date)
• [02:46] Discussing the difficulty of being a male victim
• [07:04] Tony describes panic attack in the gym
• [14:13] Dr. John lays out the path of trauma healing
• [21:46] Marie asks about living with integrity after betraying her husband
• [25:33] The necessity of full ownership after an affair
• [32:24] Marie admits to sleeping in her car, unable to face her own bed after the affair
• [34:19] Marie unsure if she wants to stay married
• [40:13] Rachel describes co-parenting with a hostile ex
• [44:08] Dr. John empowers Rachel to define her own household values
• [47:41] Managing emotions and refusing to give the ex power over her day
• [53:05] Parenting for the long game after divorce
• [58:38] “Am I the problem?” – Question about boundaries with cheating in-law

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Tone and Language

Dr. John maintains his trademark mix of directness, empathy, and practicality. He’s gentle but does not sugarcoat painful truths. The callers' voices are vulnerable, often struggling with shame, regret, or confusion, and Dr. John meets them firmly with respect, validation, and actionable advice.

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For Listeners Unfamiliar with the Episode

This episode exemplifies Dr. John Delony’s no-nonsense, deeply compassionate approach to the hardest challenges of mental health, relationships, and family life. The stories are raw and honest, tackling stigmas and offering not just comfort but tools and mindsets for true healing. Whether you’re reeling from betrayal, navigating trauma, or just trying to keep your peace through family storms, Dr. John’s wisdom offers both practical steps and hope for the future.

Transcript

[A]

Big news. New dates for money and marriage. Getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend, 2026. Get [e-mail] events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee.

[B]

I was going out on a second date with a woman after a certain point in the evening. I don't have any recollection. I woke up the next morning next to her, and at this point, there's a very strong indication that she drug me. I'm having a really difficult time coping with that.

[A]

I hate that for you, man. I want to applaud your courage for calling. That's hard for a guy to even say that out loud. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. It's Halloween today. For those of y' all who've been listening to the show for a long time, you know producer Kelly 1.0. She came as. She's got a terrifying costume on there in the booth. Ah, she came as an angry producer.

[C]

Yeah, go ahead and finish that sentence.

[A]

I'm waiting as a beautiful, elderly woman. That's how she came. And she looks amazing. I know you're going, like, as a scary person, but I think you look beautiful.

[B]

Great.

[C]

We'll talk after the show.

[A]

All right. Let's go to Princeton, New Jersey. Doctor. Hey, Tony. What's up, Tony?

[B]

Hey, Dr. John. Thanks for having me on. I appreciate your time.

[A]

You got it, brother. I'm glad you called, man. What's up?

[B]

So, not to bury the lead here. I'll. I'll jump right into it. About a month ago, I was going out on a second date with a woman that I had met the night before. And after a certain point in the evening, I don't have any recollection of what occurred. And I woke up the next morning next to her. And, yeah, at this point, there's a very strong indication that she drugged me and that she raped me. And I'm having a really difficult time coping with that. And I don't know where I am right now. I feel like I don't know what the next, as you say, the next right move is. And so I need help in understanding how I get back to being a happier, healthy, healthier person where I can feel safe again.

[A]

Dude, I hate that for you, man. My experience talking with men over the years who have been sexually assaulted or. I want to applaud your courage for calling. That's hard for a guy to even say that out loud.

[B]

Yeah, it feels a bit uncomfortable. You know, she's quite a Bit smaller than I am. You know, she's 4 10, I'm 6ft tall, 200 pounds. And it's, you know, it's. It's very difficult to, to say that I lost control of myself. And you didn't.

[A]

You didn't, you didn't, you didn't. You had it stolen from you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You didn't lose control of yourself, Tony. It's not like you drank 17 beers and lost control because of choices you made. You had your autonomy stolen from you.

[B]

And even more than the autonomy, what I, what I feel is my sense of safety and my ability to trust myself and my thoughts and anyone and anything around me. Yes.

[A]

That is that. The definition of trauma is a disconnection from yourself. It severs the tie between you and what you know to be real and true. And as a six foot guy who looks at a four foot ten or a five foot nothing woman, it's extra disorienting because if it was switched, there's an understanding when I walk into this room or I walk into this situation, that person can hurt me. Right. And that's what most men don't understand about women going through a parking garage with their head on a swivel. Right. It doesn't occur to. It wouldn't occur to you and me. Right. But to have that flipped and to have this idea that I'm okay no matter what and then that gets taken. It's disorienting at a really terrifying level.

[B]

Yeah. And I've been trying to talk with people about it, therapists and some friends. And I try to tell them, I realize now I've never lived with fear in my whole life for anything. And now I'm living with fear of everything.

[A]

And part of, I guess, let me say this, it's going to sound nutty to you. Your body's working perfectly, you're not broken, there's not something wrong with you. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. And I've been reading Redefining Anxiety. I'm about halfway through it and I'm at the point where I've come to understand that from your book. Thank you for writing it.

[A]

But hey, this, this isn't going to be solved intellectually. Okay. You're not going to be able to think your way through this. You're going to have to sit with a. A trauma focused counselor of some sort, somebody who deals with assault. And I hate to say what I'm about to say, but this happens so frequently for men and women, obviously the majority women, but it happens to men that there's Protocols for it that are pretty standard. And it's a. What? What? What the. It's not. You can never not have had this happen to you. Okay? Two things happen with great trauma counseling that walks you through an assault like this. It helps you reconnect with yourself, the ground underneath your feet. What is real and what is true. It will always be true, no matter how much you've never considered it before, that if somebody wants to hurt you, they can. And the second part of the healing will be, how do I walk through the world with this newfound information and my body's not at full alert? 247, 365. And that's part of the trauma healing, which was, you weren't okay then. You're okay now. We're going to be more. We're going to be more vigilant now because it would be silly not to. And here we go. So I guess I want you to hear me say, how. How long ago did this happen?

[B]

This was a little bit more than a month ago.

[A]

Okay. It's very, very fresh. So give yourself some grace, okay? Give yourself some grace.

[B]

I'm trying.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I'm finding it so difficult. Just this past weekend, even, I was at the gym and just about to get started with my trainer, and a woman of similar size and stature came in and fight flight or fright. I immediately froze. And my trainer came over to me and said, are you okay? And I just lost it a little bit. I just kept repeating, I need to get out of here. I need to get out of here. And thankfully she understood. She got me into a separate studio, but I broke down. I just started crying. Yeah, I. I need to find a way.

[A]

Hold on, Tony. That's healing. That's healing. That same wiring is the wiring that was used a thousand years ago when you got attacked without looking by a tiger that was waiting in a tree for you and it mauled you, and you barely made it out alive. And then a month later, you're sitting there in the forest, still nursing some pretty fresh wounds, and a tiger appears across the field. Your body would be failing you if it didn't scream, get out of here. Or if it didn't freeze and try not to be seen. And I want you to be very careful about this language. Not careful. That's dramatic. I want you just to get rid of this language. You're not going to go back to a time of innocence. That's what makes assault and rape so awful, is it steals innocence.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What you have to trust is on the other side of healing, you're, you're informed and you're always going to be more attentive. You should be, all of us should be. But you have to trust on the other side of this, your body's not going to feel like it does all the time. Right now you're going to be able to see somebody beboping into a gym, a five foot two woman bebopping into a gym, and you're going to be able to remember what happened. And your body's not going to take off on you. And any date you go on in the future, you're not going to leave an unattended drink. You just never are. And, and none of it should. But you particularly are never going to do that again. You're not going to get back to a time when you could just go run to the bathroom with a stranger at your table. You're not going to do that. And that's okay. That's wise. That's, that's wisdom, that's learning. I wish you didn't have to learn that lesson like you learned it, but that's learning. You get what I'm saying?

[B]

Yeah, I do. And, and yeah, that fear, that anxiety has caused me to miss out on weddings, dates since then.

[A]

It's, bro, you're 30 days. You're 30 days. Yeah, it's okay. It's a bummer. And it's grief and it's the shrapnel from this type of assault. It makes it, it makes it, it's evil on every, every level. Every level, dude. But what I, what I'm afraid is going to happen to you, and maybe already is happening, is I can't go to the wedding or I want to go to this wedding. I start getting dressed and my body's like, you're, we're not going to the wedding. And then you feel like a loser and you feel embarrassed and then you go back to, I'm a six foot dude and this five foot nothing, four foot nine woman took this for like, you go back to a shame spiral. This wasn't your fault, okay?

[B]

And so part of me understands that and recognizes that. And where I'm really struggling is, you know, as I look back at, at the events and some of the things that unfolded, I feel like there were signs that normally I pick up on and I'm having a very difficult time giving myself the grace like you were talking about before. And that's, that's, you know, that's a large part of where I'm struggling. I Don't know what the next right move is. In order to start giving myself the grace and to start. Yeah. I am working with a therapist as of a couple weeks ago. Once I came to realize what actually happened and not what this woman told me it happened. I'm just.

[A]

Trust is not intellectual progress. Trust. Dude, you're just two weeks in, man. The fact that you make this call tells me you're progressing. The fact that you can say the word rape and assault out loud tells me you are on a healing path. But the disorientation you feel, the inability to even trust yourself and then the freak out that I can't even trust me. How did I miss this? What did I do?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That is sexual assault 101 victims look in the mirror and say this must have been my fault.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's why I'm going to continue. I want you to hear in my voice every time you have that thought. It's not your fault, man. We have a weird. We have a psychology for when somebody stabs us in the back. We don't. And I'm going to say we shouldn't have a psychology for when somebody stabs us right in the face. It just hurts, man. But your disorientation, your I should haves. I can't believe I missed all of that. Is sexual assault victim 101. What did I do? It's not your fault. And hear me say. I cannot even tell you how proud of you I am that you're saying these things out loud, that you've gone to see a counselor, that you're not, you're, you're. You're walking directly through the embarrassment and the shame that most guys our size would feel like that's not supposed to happen to me. Right? You're walking right through it. But you're two weeks in, man. If you keep on this path and not just going to a therapist, hopefully on just talking about it and talking about it and talking about it. But you're going to begin practicing these things. And here, by the way, here's what practice will look like over time. I'm going to learn some self calming techniques, some breathing techniques, some movement, some tapping, some move my foot, some clenching of my calf muscle. I'm going to learn a few things that when my body's. My nervous system goes to go to fight orf flight. I'm going to be able to go, no, no, no, no. We're here. We're here right now. We're here. I would tell you mine, but I want People taking what I do because my body does this too. I don't want to tell people what mine is because it's everybody's unique. And I don't want people to start trying the thing I'm doing. And then you're going to start practicing these things in micro, little doses. I'm going to go out to a restaurant by myself, I'm going to order an appetizer, I'm going to order a diet Coke and I'm going to sit there, I'm going to drink it, I'm going to feel my body going to war on my behalf and then I'm going to leave. I'm going to count that as a little win. It's a little win. I'm going to do it again or I'm going to get to the restaurant, my body's going to be like, nope, not today. We're not going in there. Cool, I'm out. I'm going to go with a close, trusted friend of mine. And I'll tell you, there is healing on the other side of this. If you just keep walking and you can't walk alone and you can't intellectualize this, and what I mean by that is you're not gonna be able to sit at home, be like, I need to trust myself. So just trust hard. That's just not how trust works. Trust is like confidence. It's something that you get through adversity and experience. And so you're back at square one. And it will move fast. The trust in yourself will move faster than you think it does. The trust in other people will take longer than you think it does. But I hate this for you, man. With all my guts, I hate it for you.

[B]

Thank you. Thank you. So what, what would you recommend as. As the next right move forward?

[A]

The next right move forward is sitting down with the person that you've already developed a therapeutic relationship and saying, I want to actively engage in trauma informed therapy for the purpose of healing. I want to be able to go on a date again someday with joy in my heart, not fear in my soul. I want to learn to trust myself again because this person severed my trust in me. The other thing I would do is I would keep a journal with you at all times. I still keep one. It's in my bag right here underneath the desk that I'm sitting at. And it's just a stories journal. The stories that pop into my head, everything from this person did that to I'm a loser, to I'm weak, to whatever it is, whatever it is. I keep it with me and I write it down and I'm telling you, over time, over months and over years, the stories get kinder and kinder and less and less. But occasionally there's some barn burners in there, but I get that stuff out of my body onto a piece of paper so I can look at it. There's not going to be a going back. There's going to be a going forward, or there could be a standing still. I'm going to recommend going forward, but I'm also going to recommend going forward slowly. Because the world as you knew it, this world where you bebop through it and you go on dates and you meet people and you don't have a fear or care in the world. That world doesn't exist anymore. So let's honor that reality now. We're going to rebuild something stronger, arguably more beautiful. We're going to rebuild a new world, a new life that's going to be wise and prudent, but also not fearful. And one that we trust ourselves and we begin to trust others. But we also trust others with wisdom and with care. But right now, you're just a few weeks out, man. It's time to grieve and be sad. It's time to miss the wedding and give yourself some grace. It's time to say, hey, I got to leave the gym today. I'm going home. Not beat yourself up, but just know we'll go get them tomorrow, but not today. That's healing. That's healing, man. I hate it. I hate assault, and I hate it more than anything. Dude, I'm sorry this happened. My brother, thank you for honoring me with a call. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you building an unanxious life. This will not be your tool to therapy healing. Okay? It's not going to, but it will be a path to a life where your. Your environment can begin to have the alarm sounds go down a little bit. But right now, your alarm should be ringing. They should be, because you had the. The floor ripped out from under you. I'm sorry. Thanks for the call, brother. Call me anytime. Next right move is sit with that therapist and say, I'm ready. Go face a dragon. We come back, a woman asks how she should show integrity to her husband after confessing to an old affair. We'll be right back. All right, gang, Big news. If you've listened to this show for any period of time, you know that I place an enormous weight on the importance of sleep. And I've been honest about my struggles with sleep over the years. I'm thrilled to announce that I've joined forces with the makers of the best sleep solution that I've ever found. My friends at Beam have their amazing Nighttime Dream powder. Beam's Nighttime Dream Powder is amazing. It can dramatically improve your sleep and change your life. Beam's Nighttime Dream Powder mixes into water or milk. I mix mine into almond or flax milk right before bed. It's super clean. There's no synthetic junk, no weird chemicals. Just drink it and you will head off into a night of deep restorative sleep. And here's the kicker. I wake up sharp, not groggy. There's no hangover. So I'm able to give my family the time and effort and consideration that they need and deserve. Right now, my listeners get early access to Beam Cyber sale up to 50% off using my code Deloney. Using this code, you can snag dream for just $32 and 50 cents for the whole package. That breaks down to just a $8 per night. For the greatest sleep of your life, go to shop beam b a m shop beam.com deloney and use my Code Deloney and don't miss out on this amazing opportunity to get the greatest sleep of your life. Shop beam.com DeLoney I'm beyond thrilled to announce that Montana Knife Company has now joined my team. For years I have used one company for every knife I need. Montana Knife Company. These knives are designed, tested and built by real hunters and real cooks. My family and I use these knives in the deepest parts of the woods in Back River Creeks and in our kitchen. When you first pick up a Montana Knife Company knife, you can feel their perfection and their quality. They're the sharpest knives you will ever use right out of the box. They're the easiest knives to sharpen and they are the toughest knives out there. My grandkids and my great grandkids will fight over who gets these knives long after I'm gone. They make incredible holiday gifts and they always, always sell out before December. Montana Knife Co. Does limited runs and so you got to get them while you can. Give the outdoorsman and the cook in your life knives they'll actually use and pass down someday. Go to montanaknifecompany.com to see what's available. Right now, that's montanaknifecompanya.com let's go out to Fargo, North Dakota and talk to Marie. What's up Marie?

[D]

Not much, John Deloney Just living the dream.

[A]

That usually means Your life's not that much of a dream right now. How are we doing?

[D]

All right.

[A]

All right. What's going on? How can I pull up a seat? Let's. Let's figure it out. What's going on?

[D]

All right, so my question today is how can I live with integrity after confessing to my husband that I had an affair three and a half years ago?

[A]

Hmm. Tell me all about it.

[D]

So we got married when we were 20, and he kind of became like a child once we got married, like, stop doing all the things that we did when we were dating. So I was kind of very lonely. He was in the military, so he would leave for deployments. And on one of the deployments, when we moved, I was alone for a while, and I ended up getting into this wild affair with one of, like, my old friends from high school. And it lasted two years after he came back. I had a kid with my husband in between that time, and I decided that I didn't want to be with the guy that I was in an affair with. So I ended up breaking it off. And I told him my. I told my husband that I had an emotional affair with him because I was really worried that he would become, like, physically violent and potentially go after the guy that I ended up having an affair with. So I just kind of kept it quiet. And three and a half years later, my husband asked me last month, hey, was it actually an emotional affair? And I figured now was the best time to be clean and live with integrity. So I told him. And now it's just been trying to work through it, so I don't really know what to do.

[E]

John.

[A]

I gotta say, I. I don't think you're living with integrity yet. Can I tell you why? I know it's hard to hear. I'm just telling you because I love you. I don't think you're there yet. Here's why. Your first question you asked me is, how do I live with integrity after an affair? And I asked you what happened, and the first 1, 2, 3, 4 things you told me about was something your husband did four years ago. Yeah, living with integrity. The root word of integrity. It's integer. It's whole. I'm complete. And that wholeness and completeness for anybody starts with ownership. And so it starts with this idea, not that he started acting like a child, and he stopped doing those things. And then he went to serve our country and left me. And so then this thing just kind of happened. Ownership after infidelity is. I don't care what environment I was in. I chose to sleep and have sex with somebody else that I wasn't married to. Yeah, that's the root of the integrity you're seeking here. Disclosure can even be a vomiting. In fact, sometimes disclosure can be. I've been carrying around this weight inside my house. I'm a mother. I'm a wife. Everywhere we go, people slap my husband on the back and say, thank you for your service, whatever. And sometimes disclosure can be. I'm carrying this cinder block around. I'm throwing it at you. Here's what I did. You carry it now?

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

I feel like that's what I did. And I feel like I'm just weighing him down at this point.

[A]

I think you got to take full ownership because they didn't trick you that you married somebody in the military, was going to get deployed. And I don't know any. Anybody who doesn't get married and have things that were happening before they got married suddenly shift and change, regardless of gender, regardless of role or age. And that's part of being married is figuring those things back out. Like, hey, we used to go on dates. Hey, we used to make out all the time. Hey, you used to not play video games so much. Like, whatever the things are, and we figure those things out together.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

But I think in. I think integrity is you looking in the mirror at you and saying, I became somebody that I didn't want to be.

[D]

Yeah. And I. I broke it off, like. And I feel like we are in a better place now. And now he tells me that he's going to be gone for a. Like, another three months. And I'm worried that he is just going to be worrying about me and my kids, and if I'm going to do something again.

[A]

He is, and he should. He should. He is going to.

[D]

I want to be able to, like. Like, what can I do to show him that I have changed?

[A]

I think the first. The first place to start is not with the disclosure of an act. The first thing is to disclose his ownership.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

You know what? When we sat down and talked, I told you that when we got married, you stopped doing this, and you stopped doing that, and you started doing these things, and then you left me. I need to take all that back. Here's the truth. I cheated on my husband. I looked you in the eye at some altar somewhere, some courthouse somewhere, and I said, till death do his part, and I violated that, and I'm deeply, deeply sorry with. And then there's just a long pause. And I think taking full. The Depth. Right. And I think sometimes we. We can't go there because we don't. This is going to sound nutty. Like, I'm. I'm, Like I'm changing sides now. It feels like I'm on his side of the table, and I'm coming back to your side of the table. When any of us finds ourselves doing things, watching things, and I'm not talking about just, like, sex stuff. I'm talking about, like, scrolling social media, and there's crazy perspectives on things. They're just a little bit further away than what we normally thought. And we find ourselves going, yeah. And then. Yeah. We have to create a psychological bubble around ourselves that makes our actions okay. Because it's really hard when we are doing things. Whether we're watching things, doing things, spending things, sleeping with somebody else, it's really hard to deal with that cognitive dissonance. So to remain the person that we can, like, go to bed with ourselves, we create this. This bubble that's like. It's because of them and because of that and because of this, because. And it's just bursting that bubble and saying, nope. I became somebody that I'm really grossed out by. I became somebody that blamed and pointed fingers, and I'm not going to be that person anymore.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

The next step there is opening your hands and saying, I'm all in on you. You said kids, plural. So have y' all had another kid since then?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I want to be your wife. I want to be the. An amazing mother of your kids. And he gets to. As the guy who got cheated on, gets to create the path and say, this is what it's going to take for me to trust you again. Are you in? And that might mean I've seen things like, no phones. I've seen things like, I want. I want one of those apps that lets me see who you're texting. I want all your passwords. I want us to share a checking account. Like, I've seen all kinds of things. And then you get to decide, do I want to be married to this guy?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And he. There's not a thing in the world you can do after this disclosure that's going to give him peace. While he's gone for three months, he's gonna worry about. He's gonna think about it. You trying to solve that for him. That's a fool's errand. You can't do that. It's just gonna. It's gonna be a thing you're gonna have to metabolize. But asking what does a Path back to trust look like and I'm all in. And if he asks you to do something crazy, like, you're not allowed to leave the house and you got to chain yourself to the front doorstep. Like, you get to choose whether I'm in on this or not. Right?

[D]

Yeah. John, I'm just so scared of being lonely again.

[A]

I know, I know. Can I ask you a. A really deep personal question?

[D]

Sure.

[A]

As a brand new wife whose husband then takes off, gets deployed, did sleeping with an old friend make you feel less lonely?

[E]

Yeah, it did.

[A]

Tell me about.

[D]

Was just.

[E]

I've been with him since before I could drive a car and we'd been together for so long and he was.

[D]

Just attached at the hip, and then just to have him gone, it just.

[E]

It felt like I couldn't cope just.

[D]

Day in and day out of coming.

[E]

Home alone and being alone and.

[A]

No, here's what I'm asking you. No, I get that. I get the. The. The momentary time. Right. You're with somebody, they tell you you're beautiful, or they may not tell you anything, but they act. And that. That act feels like I'm being loved in this moment, or I'm less alone. But take yourself back to the drive home when you all meet up somewhere and you're driving yourself back to the place where you share with your husband. Was that not a lonely drive?

[E]

It was a dreadful drive.

[A]

Was not getting in the shower y' all share and getting out of the shower and getting into the bed y' all share. Was that not lonely?

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

I.

[D]

Sometimes I would just sleep in my.

[E]

Car instead because I couldn't stand it.

[A]

That's it. That's what. That's what I'm getting at. So here's what I want to say. That particular Xanax you tried to use, you tried to take to make yourself feel better because your home was empty because your husband was out and. And if we get beneath it, there's probably some fear something's going to happen to him. He can get hurt, he can get killed. There's all kinds of different things spinning out. The Xanax you used, which is to run to the arms of somebody else, amplified the hurt and the pain, even if it made it go away for a second. And so the. You're gonna feel lonely when he leaves again because you love him and you miss him, because dealing with two little kids is chaotic and awful and all those things, it's joyful, too, but it's a mess. And you might be scared, depending on what he's Doing where he's getting deployed, he's gonna get hurt, someone's gonna try to hurt him, etc. All that's real. It's saying, okay, what is an effective. Not band aid, but what's an effective way to do life with this man that I chose to marry and that. That man I chose to marry gets deployed a lot. Off the top of my head, it is you going right now and connecting with a whole bunch of girlfriends that y' all can go do stuff on a regular basis. Young moms, you can have your house. People that will come over and watch TV shows and bring half eaten casseroles because that's all they have in their fridge. And y' all laugh and hang out and do things together. It takes a lot more work than just scrolling. Right. And connecting with an old flame and driving across town and having a fling and coming home and not being able to sleep in your own house.

[E]

I'll.

[D]

I'll try.

[A]

Do you want to be married to him?

[E]

I don't know, John.

[A]

Okay, you can answer that question. All along this call that's been nagged at me.

[D]

I want my kids to have a happy family.

[A]

That's not the answer.

[D]

And handle somebody who comes and goes.

[A]

You need to go sit with him and be honest about that. That's integrity. That would have been a conversation that would have been better to have before y' all got married, but here we are.

[D]

He told me that he was going to do a three year and then quit the military. So I thought I could handle it for three years. And then every single time he re ups and I always have no opinion on the matter, even though I tell him that I see why he re ups and we see the money and we see the benefits of military, and I still don't want him to do it. And it's not my decision.

[A]

Well, and that's him living with integrity. That when he got married and looked at you and says till death do us part, that we make decisions together. And there's an integrity there, too, about. I thought we had a deal. And every year I'm sobbing and you go violate what I thought was a pretty firm commitment that we made to each other. Doesn't excuse my actions in any way, shape, form or fashion, but it provides a context for neither of us trust each other right now.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm not saying he doesn't need to re up every time, but I am saying if you get married, you sit down with your spouse and you say, what are we going to do in this upcoming Season. Who are we going to be? And do you see how this gets in a sick dance where every time he's home, you're unhappy and he knows you're keeping secrets, and he knows there's some darkness in the closet, and. And, man, he is really successful in his military job. And it's just, I don't know anywhere else where I can be successful. I can't be successful at home. I can't be successful with this woman I've known for years and years and years since we were kids. I can be successful over here. I'm going to pull that lever because at least I can provide for my family. I get that dance. And then he goes and pulls the lever, and that makes you more uncomfortable and more upset and more sad and more, I don't like my life. I don't like what I'm doing. I don't have an outlet, and it just gets in this dance. You've heard me say this once. You heard me say this 10,000 times on the show. Somebody's got to turn the lights on, turn the music off of this marriage, and just exhale and say, okay, here we are. But your first question to me is, how do I be a person of integrity after an affair, especially one I've lied about for years and years? It is exhaling and becoming whole, taking full ownership of your actions and then saying, how can I reestablish trust with you? And being a person of integrity is, I'm going to keep no more secrets. And so another secret is, I've lost trust in you, and I don't know if I can do this marriage anymore. And then at some point, he might have to choose between reupping again or this marriage he's committed to, if that becomes your or what moment. I can't make any of these decisions for you. I'm just laying these things out on the table that are already on the table. Y' all just don't want to talk about them. And then you owe it to yourself, to your children, to your husband, to your life to go sit with somebody and ask, why, when I look in the mirror, am I so ashamed and so grossed out and so un in love with the person I see, because that story is a lie. It's not true. I'm grateful for the call, sister. You call me anytime, and I'll pull up a seat and sit with you. But I think it starts with you sitting with your husband, and 30 days after, you kind of put it all out there. And by the way, if there's anything else you haven't told him. All of that needs to be on the table. But say, hey, I want to run back that first time I told you, I want to run it all the way back. And I'm going to start over with me taking full ownership of me. And if he's a man of character, hopefully he'll take ownership of him and then we can move forward with the hard, hard conversations that need to be had. All right, sister, thank you for the call. You call me anytime and I'll be here. We'll be right back. We talk a lot on this show about boundaries. Emotional, relational, financial boundaries. But there's one boundary that almost nobody talks about. The boundaries around your digital life right now. Your personal information, things like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school. That kind of information is sitting on countless gnarly websites that you've never heard of. You didn't give them permission to have that information. But it's out there. And let's be honest, it's not just annoying or frustrating, it's violating. That constant exposure creates anxiety that just hums in the background of your life. Always wondering who has what about you. Something always feels off. And that's why I use Delete me. Delete me goes after the data brokers and people finder sites that collect and resell your information. They track down your info, they, they remove it. And every few months, Delete me will send you a report showing you exactly what they've done for you. Taking control of your digital life is about boundaries and boundaries are about Peace. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 20% off. That's join J O I N JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney to save 20% off. All right, Grand Rapids, Michigan. Let's talk to Rachel. What's up, Rachel?

[E]

Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call.

[A]

You got it. What's up?

[E]

So my question today is how can I be a supportive co parent when the morals, values and beliefs are completely different between our household?

[A]

Tell me about it.

[E]

So I think ultimately it comes down to the three big differences are religion, money and discipline.

[A]

Oh, those three little old things. That's it.

[E]

Yeah. Well.

[D]

Well, yeah.

[E]

Those are the big ones at least, right?

[B]

Wow.

[E]

Yeah. So little backstory. We've been divorced for about three years. I have since remarried and ever since we I remarried I'm ex husband is does not like how we run our house and I'm finding it kind of difficult on how do we not compromise on our values and beliefs and kind of handle the whole co parenting with all of that.

[A]

What, what are his concerns? What is when he looks at how his children are being raised in another household with another man co parenting them, what does he not like about it?

[E]

I think a lot of it comes down to our parenting styles and we have a very more structured house and you know, we go to church every Sunday and there's consequences for our actions, some good, some bad. And typically that ends in like a book long text message from him about how he won't allow this.

[A]

What are the things though? You just gave me like a high level thing. What are the things he's saying I will not allow? He won't allow his kids to go to church. He won't allow his kids to be have consequences.

[E]

So going to the religion one. Let's just start there. When I got married, we started taking our son to my now husband's church and it is a different denomination. It's still Christianity. Ex husband does not go to church at all. But he said that he would not allow it. Even tried, you know, bringing this up in court.

[A]

In America say take you to court. I mean even my most, even my most like, like friends that I love dearly. Love, love dearly. They're like, I call them like comic atheists. Like they're not even, they, they're not even agnostic. They're like they e, they even, they see, I mean there's, there's documented literature, there's scientific literature's value in a structure of going to church every week. So I mean even they're like not, it's, I can't argue that it's not a good thing. I don't agree with anything that's being said in that building. I think it's all nonsense and fairy tales. But of course, like getting up and going is not a bad thing.

[E]

Yeah, I, I, I agree completely.

[A]

Okay, so if he, here's the thing, if he doesn't like it, he could take you to court. There's a, there's a process for that.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And he has.

[A]

Okay, what the court say?

[E]

They would not rule on it.

[A]

Of course they would.

[E]

Yeah, exactly. But like that was a really big thing for a hot minute. And how, you know, it ultimately comes down to there's just tension between us then.

[A]

And this, this happens sometimes. And I'm seeing it happen more and more actually, which surprises me. And I'm happy about it. I wish it could, I could be happier that it happened before a divorce. Actually goes through the court system and a family's broken up, but where people are being mature and having hard conversations, exes are sitting down and saying, okay, I don't like you, you don't like me. We didn't make this thing work. But we have a. It's important for our kids.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Are y' all able to sit down and have a conversation or no?

[E]

No.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

No.

[A]

Then here's the thing. Then he doesn't get a vote. Y' all are divorced. As long as you are honoring those children and not abusing those children and raising them in the way that you know and your new spouse knows is the most loving whole way we can treat these kids.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And regardless of the 15 page text messages that we get, we're never going to talk ill of their dad. We're just going to go through life doing the things that we are, living out our values. Because here's. If your values were aligned, I wouldn't have got divorced.

[E]

I agree.

[A]

Right. So in that regard, he doesn't get a vote. And if he does want to try to assert a vote, he can go to court. There's a system for that.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

My question for you is, if y' all can't sit down and have a conversation like adults and one or both of you is going to choose to lob grenades back and forth via text message, why is that still bothering you? You've married somebody else. You have a new husband. You've moved on.

[E]

Yeah, I.

[A]

Why is that man still getting a vote in your life?

[E]

I don't know. Currently working through it in therapy.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

But I think a lot of it brings up a lot of fear and anxiety.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Tell me about it.

[A]

I shouldn't say why. That was. That was too abrupt. Tell me about why. Tell me about the fear and the anxiousness that'll.

[E]

That it'll end up back in court.

[A]

Let me just. Let me like. So fear is a thing. I. I'm worried this thing is going to happen. Anxiousness is worrying in the present about a thing that might happen in the future. Let me clear the deck for you. You will end up back in court. Ah, right.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

That's not a thing you can avoid.

[E]

Right.

[A]

If you have somebody that took you to court because you want to take your kids to church on Sunday morning, I promise you, you're going to end up in court over other things.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And so trying to live every minute, every second to not end up in court, it doesn't keep you out of court. It just ruins your day.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

It ruins your new marriage. It ruins your relationship with your children, and they absorb that tension. And like most kids in divorce, they think that they had something to do with it. They think this is their fault.

[E]

Yeah, we. We do our best, you know, to make sure that he knows that he's loved, and we don't talk about it unless he has a question. And even then, we keep it very neutral and vague in our house.

[D]

But.

[E]

The transition days between houses are really difficult.

[A]

They're difficult if you allow another man to have a vote into your life.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

And I know that sounds so trivial and pedantic. It just sounds like I'm mocking you. I'm not.

[B]

Okay, sure.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

When somebody cuts me off in traffic, that's not personal, has nothing to do with me, but God almighty, dude, my body feels like, dude, you did that to me. Right? And I get to choose the story I make up that moves that goes from there. I get to make it up.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm gonna do my best to practice choosing the story that helps me be the dad and the citizen and the American and the neighbor and. And the husband that's going to give me the best life possible and my community the best life possible. That means I'm going to make up when I get cut off and I exhale and that dude turns on and flips me off and then slows down real fast. Instantly, in that moment, I got two choices. Oh, you want. You want to dance, buddy? You want to, like, you want to pull over on side of the road? I'm happy to oblige. That can be one story or the other story is I can slow down, too. I can. I can nod. I can say my bad. Even if it wasn't my bad. I can go on about my life because I promise you this. I have a better life than that person does. I guarantee you. I do. I guarantee it. I remember somebody asked Jocko, the famous Navy seal. You know, that guy is. He's like a world class, world renowned jiu jitsu player. Like, like the tough guys. Tough guys. Tough guy, right? And somebody asked him like, hey, what happens if somebody steps to you in a bar? And he's like, I'd probably reach over and buy him a beer and then go find another place to hang out with my friends. And they're like, you just leave. Let him dishonor you. And he's like, why is that dishonoring me? I clearly have a better life than that guy does.

[E]

Right? Yeah.

[A]

I don't have anything to prove to you. I'M wondering if deep down there is still a conversation you are asking yourself which is why did you. Why wasn't I good enough for that marriage the first time?

[E]

I don't really know if that's the.

[A]

Maybe or what is it about you? I don't know. I'm fishing. You're throwing stuff at the wall. I guess at the end of the day. Here's the deal. Let's just be real practical here. I know sometimes I talk too high level. Give me an example of a bad drop off and let's just run it back.

[E]

Yeah. It was about Christmas time, I believe. And.

[A]

Okay. That was. That was what, eight months ago?

[E]

Yeah, something like that.

[A]

That's. Hold on. That's still in your. Still like burrowing into your nervous system.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

How many drop offs have y' all had since then?

[E]

We typically do like transitions at school hours, so.

[A]

But you've had. You've had multiple. You've had dozens of drop offs, right?

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. Why is this one on a. On a data trend? I'm making up a number. If you have a hundred good drop offs and one ugly one nine months ago, why is that one ugly one still ruining your day? Now, in Halloween.

[E]

He just started yelling at me in front of the kid. Our son.

[A]

And what was he yelling about?

[E]

About how I don't communicate and he doesn't have to listen to me about the time or what we had previously agreed on and called me selfish. And I just said, I'm not doing this conversation here in front of. In front of our kid.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

And I got in the car and left after that. But it was just completely unwarranted. And I have a very selfless job. And so it always kind of hits home.

[A]

Sure.

[E]

When they use those words.

[A]

So I'm going to do something that sounds nutty. Okay.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

And feel free to be mad at me. This is an exercise. This isn't truth.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

I'm going to put myself in his shoes.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

This woman I married and made this amazing, beautiful kid with, she's moved on. She's. She's with another guy now. And around Christmas time, I only get to see my kid this much time. And somewhere buried in Yalls relationship was a good Christmas somewhere. And there's a realization this is going to be the rest of my freaking life. And I see this woman that I have not been able to be reflective enough like I should, and I just see her and I throw all this at her. The next 16 years of me only being able to see my kid on the holidays, on a few days. And I act like a child. I just blow it.

[E]

Yeah. I just like that.

[D]

Our.

[E]

Our son doesn't need to see that.

[A]

No. You're 100. I'm. I'm not excusing a thing. He did.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm just trying to get you into your car to shut the door and to exhale.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And not find sympathy, but find a context. That's not. This is not about me.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

It's about a dad who's sad he can't see his son.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And once, nine months ago, he blew up. And by the way, the court would differ with some of the things he said. It's true. He doesn't have to listen to you. He doesn't, actually.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

But the court's going to decide the time. The court's going to decide the drop off. So he does. And that's a guy screaming at. In frustration. I get it. I'm not. And here's the thing. I'm not excusing what he did.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm trying to give you some healing paths so that nine months later, every drop off, you don't grip the steering wheel extra tight.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Because your child's the ones absorbing all that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's an exhaling and dropping my shoulders and thinking, that guy said he didn't get to see his son very often. And he doesn't get to yell and scream at you. And if you need to go back to court, go back to court. I'm not saying let him be abusive or anything. Nothing like that. I'm just trying to say you choosing to be fearful and frustrated by a guy that won't talk to you, won't communicate with you, won't have breakfast with you on behalf of your son won't do any of these things. How is he still impacting your day at this level? And at some point is like this idea like, you don't get a vote. You don't get a vote anymore. And as he. Your son, gets older, make no mistake, he's probably gonna be the cool dad. He's gonna be the cool dad. And you're gonna constantly have to say, yeah, dad, just. Dad doesn't believe in going to church. Oh. I think church is stupid. Dad says we don't have to go. I can't believe you make me go. I get that. I get that. As for our house, that's what we do on Sundays where we go. And my hope is y' all go to a church where your son will find Peace. We'll find acceptance. We'll find people with wide open doors saying, I don't care who you are, come on in. And his nervous system will tell him a different story over time. If y' all go to a hateful, angry, frustrating church, your kid's gonna have that message reiterated by his dad and be like, that's not a place for you. And he'd be like, yeah, I get that. So hopefully dad lets me drink beer at home. Dad lets me stay up as late as I want to. I know, yeah, your dad's the fun dad. But as for us here, this is the way we're going to do it. And I tell every parent this, when you get divorced, you go from wanting to win the week, wanting to have a great month, wanting to have a great year, to I want a 25 year old young adult who looks back and says, oh my gosh, my mom stuck to her values and loved me. Well, I'm not trying to win the weekend and be the cool, crazy weekend I'm gonna. When you're 25, when you're 30, I want you to look back and say, I've got high, high respect for how my mom navigated that madness, how my stepdad kept showing up, kept showing up. And he married you, by the way. He married into a married woman with a young son, with a non cooperative co parent. He, he opted into that so he's gonna have to have some extra thick skin. And I just got hope and prayer for frustrated, sad, maybe acting immature dad, that he'll come around and be like, hey, the best thing for my son is we play by the same rules. Probably not, but maybe, maybe. But the refrain I keep in my mind often is when somebody does something to me, somebody I've cared about in the past, somebody, a stranger. I don't know is somebody bombs me on direct message, tells me I'm a this or that. What? I just exhale and say, they don't get a vote. My wife does. My close friends and family do. They don't get a boat. I'm not going to let somebody else walk into my living room and ruin my day, piss on my furniture without my permission, and I hate it. For you, Rachel, divorce sucks. And after divorce, adults that can't sit down at a table, that's the worst too. All right, sister, thank you for the call. You call me anytime and I'll be here. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right. This time of year can be tough for all of us. So I want you to make sure that you check on your friends, check on your loved ones, and reconnect with people that maybe you haven't talked to in a while. I recently called one of my childhood friends just to say, hey, I'm thinking about you. How are you doing? And we ended up having a great conversation. That was hard, but we also laughed a little bit, too. And just like, it can take a little bit of courage to send that message or grab coffee with somebody that you haven't seen in a while. Reaching out for therapy. Reaching out to somebody who can sit with you and hold space for heavy, hard conversations. That can feel hard, too, but it's worth it. If you want to try therapy, call my friends at Better help. With over 30,000 therapists, they're the largest online therapy provider in the world. They've served over 5 million people globally, and they have an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. It's totally online, so it's easy to fit into your schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who will fit your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. This month, don't wait to reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend, checking in on a family member, or reaching out for a therapist, Better help makes it easier to take that first step. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. HP.com DeLoney all right, Kelly, we're back. Am I the problem or are you?

[C]

It's. It's you. Most definitely. However, in this case, this one is from Laura and she writes, am I the problem for asking my brother to not bring his wife to family events?

[A]

She was caught. Yes. Go ahead.

[C]

She was caught cheating on him for the fourth time.

[A]

Okay, maybe not.

[E]

See?

[C]

Got to let me finish this.

[A]

He needs to not. Okay. All right.

[C]

And my sister and I are just done with her and the pain that she's causing our family. He turns it back on us, accusing us of not being Christian and having loving and forgiving responses. Except he expects us to make overtures to her, like phone calls or conversations when they are in town visiting our parents. It is stressful to our parents, but they want to maintain a relationship with him and the kids at any cost. Their kids are 15 and 10 and are very aware of what is happening. And while upset with their mom, they don't really understand the dynamics of how it affects everyone. So should we just let him make his own bed and keep the peace and the status and just keep with the status quo?

[D]

Ah.

[A]

I'm just going to answer this direct. There comes a moment when if you are my sister, my brother, my in laws, my whoever, there comes a moment where your actions shift you to a person that is making my mother cry. You're a person that's hurting my brother or my sister or my dad, whoever. And I being a person of character will not sit by and be quiet when someone is in the. Who's actively hurting my someone I love and care about. And so yes, I would tell my brother this person is not welcome in my house. Not because I'm not a Christian, not because I'm not a forgiving person, but because I'm not going to let someone who actively does violence to somebody I love here. If you choose to not be around, that's a choice you get to make. And I have to say that's going to be. I have to know that that boundary I'm drawing may come at the cost of that relationship I have. But that relationship I think I have isn't real as it exists. It's both of us lying to each other. Right. And so I don't do well, here's my rule. I'm not going to be in the presence of somebody that I allow. This is a choice I make. I allow to make me violate my own values which is I treat everybody with dignity and respect. And if I am of the, if I choose, how am I to say that, that I'll, I'll just leave it there. So yeah, I would say at this point she's not welcome here. You, you're a person. She's a person. I know she's my sister in law. I know she's my, whatever. She's a person that actively is committing violence to my emotional relational violence to someone I love. And I'm going to choose to not have them at my holiday because I'm not going to sit here and lie to everybody. Right. That's my, that's my gut feeling. What about you?

[C]

I agree totally. And if they go over to mom and dad's house then she and her family have to decide if they're going to go.

[A]

Sure. And my mom and dad, if they say no, they're coming. Great. Then I get to be a grown up and say cool, I'm going to sit this one out. I get to do that too. I'm a grown up and it's. Yeah, I'll leave it at that. I. Turning the other cheek doesn't mean be a punching bag. And turning the other cheek doesn't mean be a doormat. And I think we confuse those things and there's a difference. Maybe that's for another show. Love you guys. Bye.