Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?

Summary

Episode Summary: "Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?"

The Dr. John DeLoney Show hosted by Ramsey Network delves deep into the pervasive issue of self-comparison among men, exploring its roots and offering actionable strategies to overcome it. Released on December 6, 2024, this episode features heartfelt conversations with callers grappling with various personal challenges, all anchored by Dr. John DeLoney's compassionate guidance.

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1. Caller Spotlight: Chris's Journey with Mental Health and Self-Comparison

Background and Mental Health Struggles

The episode opens with Chris, a 28-year-old grappling with long-term mental health issues. He recounts his descent into depression triggered by his parents' relocation for his father's job, leading to a decade-long journey through therapy and psychiatry. Chris shares, “[02:31] I took Risperidone, Lamictal, Klonopin, Gabapentin,” highlighting the complexity of his treatment regimen.

The Core Issue: Constant Comparison

Chris articulates his primary struggle: “I'm trying to improve my life a bit… but I find something I'm running into kind of a roadblock is that I compare myself to other people, specifically men” [08:02]. This comparison manifests in various aspects of his life, from financial stability to personal achievements, intensifying his feelings of inadequacy.

Diagnosis and Behavioral Patterns

Dr. DeLoney delves into Chris’s diagnosis, revealing his journey from major depressive disorder to bipolar type 2. He notes, “[05:30] It took eight years” for Chris to receive a comprehensive diagnosis, emphasizing the importance of continuous monitoring and adjustment in mental health treatment.

Strategies for Overcoming Self-Comparison

Dr. DeLoney offers Chris a multifaceted approach:

• Embracing Personal Goals: “What do you want to go do?” [11:08] Dr. DeLoney encourages Chris to pursue his passion for acting, suggesting that aligning activities with intrinsic interests can mitigate the urge to compare.

• Building Self-Trust: Highlighting the erosion of self-trust due to prolonged mental health struggles, Dr. DeLoney advises Chris to shift from a defensive to an offensive stance in his personal development [09:46].

• Creating a Vision for the Future: By prompting Chris to envision his life at 35, Dr. DeLoney helps him establish a roadmap, fostering a sense of purpose and direction [15:26].

Notable Quotes:

• “You have more bravery and strength than most.” [08:46]
• “Gratitude, like celebration. That's the antidote to comparison.” [15:07]

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2. Navigating Family and Financial Decisions: Leah's Dilemma

The Challenge of Relocating for Family Support

Leah reaches out with concerns about the financial and emotional implications of moving closer to her family to gain support for starting a family. She states, “We want to start a family soon... but my family is hundreds of miles away in a higher cost living area” [21:55].

Balancing Personal Desires and Practicalities

Dr. DeLoney dissects the underlying issues beyond financial burdens, emphasizing the importance of intentionality in building a support system. He advises, “It's about intentionality and you choosing to go be weird” [26:22], encouraging Leah to proactively seek and cultivate supportive relationships.

Building a Support Network

He suggests practical steps for Leah and her husband to strengthen their relationship and prepare for future challenges:

• Regular Check-ins: Implementing weekly meetings to discuss calendars and budgets.
• Creating Meaningful Connections: Encouraging the formation of close-knit support groups that transcend familial ties [27:17].

Notable Quotes:

• “Loneliness is tough. So tell me about your friends and where you live right now.” [24:45]
• “You can always move afterwards if things don't work out.” [26:54]

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3. Making Friends in Mid-Life: Kelly's Quest for Connection

Understanding the Challenges of Building Friendships at 44

Kelly, a 44-year-old, expresses frustration over the difficulty of making new friends later in life, especially after a close friend moved away for work. She shares, “I don't have too many close friends, certainly not in the area” [32:30].

Dr. DeLoney’s Insights on Social Connectivity

Dr. DeLoney acknowledges the challenges but commends Kelly for her proactive mindset. He emphasizes, “You are so far ahead of the game because most men in your situation would have...” [33:09], validating her efforts and encouraging continued perseverance.

Practical Strategies for Building Friendships

He offers actionable advice tailored to Kelly’s situation:

• Creating Contexts for Interaction: Hosting regular gatherings like potlucks to foster social connections [36:43].
• Leveraging Existing Networks: Utilizing friends from children’s activities, work, or church as initial points of connection.

Emphasizing the Importance of Intentionality and Persistence

Dr. DeLoney underscores the necessity of being intentional and persistent, stating, “There’s not an easy way to do it. You just got to go first and you got to be weird” [37:45].

Notable Quotes:

• “There’s not a right or wrong way.” [40:37]
• “Everybody does it differently.” [40:18]

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4. Key Takeaways and Conclusions

Throughout the episode, Dr. John DeLoney interweaves personal anecdotes and professional insights to address the multifaceted issues presented by his callers. The central theme revolves around overcoming detrimental self-comparison by fostering self-acceptance, pursuing personal passions, and building supportive communities.

Empowering Messages:

• Self-Compassion: Recognizing and valuing one’s own journey and achievements.
• Intentional Living: Actively shaping one’s life through deliberate choices and actions.
• Community Building: Establishing meaningful relationships to provide emotional and practical support.

Final Encouragement: Dr. DeLoney consistently empowers his callers to take proactive steps towards self-improvement, emphasizing that overcoming self-comparison is a gradual process rooted in self-awareness and intentionality.

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Notable Quotes from the Episode:

• “Gratitude, like celebration. That's the antidote to comparison.” [15:07]
• “Loneliness is tough. So tell me about your friends and where you live right now.” [24:45]
• “You are so far ahead of the game because most men in your situation would have...” [33:09]

This episode serves as a compassionate guide for men struggling with self-comparison, offering both empathy and practical strategies to foster personal growth and fulfillment.

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yo, yo, yo, Cyber Monday deals are here. And fan favorite questions for humans conversation cards are on sale for just 12 bucks. Go to Ramsaysolutions.com store and grab yours. Right now.

[Chris]

I am trying to improve my life a bit. Therapy, psychiatry, and all the work I'm on. Zola. I take Risperidone, Lamictal, Klonopin, Gabapentin.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

God. Okay, so I won't get into your psychiatrist. That's a. That's a lot. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. Taking your calls about your life, your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on. Here's my promise. I'm gonna sit with you and we're gonna figure out what's the next right move. There's a lot of tough stuff going on in people's lives these days. From their relationships, their kids, their. Their. Their partners, to their. That person they see in the mirror every day. Their mental, emotional health. Whatever you got going on, give me a buzz. For the last 20 plus years, I've been sitting with hurting people and I'd love to sit down with you. Give me a call 1-844-693-3291 or go to john deloney.com. ask a s k. Let's go to Grand Rapids. I love Grand Rapids. Talk to Chris. What's up, Chris?

[Chris]

Hey, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good, brother. What's up, man?

[Chris]

Well, I emailed in about a week ago and I got a good question for you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, let's do it.

[Chris]

I am trying to improve my life a bit. I'm definitely doing that through therapy, psychiatry and all the works. But I find something I'm running into kind of a roadblock is that I compare myself to other people, specifically men, but it can be anyone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hmm. So take me back, man. How'd you end up in a psychiatrist office?

[Chris]

So this was about a decade ago, actually. My parents, my dad got a job with Nissan in Tennessee. Right by you, actually. And he moved down to start the job when I was a junior. My mom stayed with me to finish high school in Michigan. And then when I graduated, she moved down with her. My senior year was just a mess. A complete disaster of mental health, emotional health. The whole thing was just a disaster for everyone involved. I got really depressed. I started going to therapy, psychiatry and just doing whatever I could. And so it's just been a continuing roads from there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you now, brother?

[Chris]

28.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

28. So about 10 years, man. So what did they what they label you with, what they diagnose you with back in. When you're 18?

[Chris]

Well, when I was 18, it was a major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety, a few other anxiety disorders. This last year, though, about a year and a half ago, they diagnosed me with bipolar type 2.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What had them. Why'd they do that? So what was the presenting behaviors is the nerd way to say that.

[Chris]

Yeah. So I was on medication, Klonopin, which is obviously, as you know, a suppressant, a depressant. And I came off of it just to see, like, you know, I think my anxiety will be okay, which it was. But then I started to see an increase in episodes of just feeling really, really good. Like, so good, to the point where I was like, man, I feel like I'm almost on cocaine or something. Like, I feel so good. And this happened on a repeated basis about once a month. And I ended up finding a pattern and presented it to my doctors, and they said, wow, there really is a huge pattern here. It happens on the regular once a month, just like expected. So they kind of diagnosed me with it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Was there a problem with feeling really good once a month?

[Chris]

Yeah, because I was making mistakes and I was not catching myself and just overall being a bit destructive in my life. I also spend a lot of money when I'm kind of in that high space.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so what do you, like?

[Chris]

One time I spent $500.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, I spent $500 yesterday, but that's because it's deer season. I don't make great choices in deer season. What. What are you taking right now?

[Chris]

Quite a bit. I'm on Zoloft. I take Risperidone, Lamictal, Klonopin, and I'm missing one gabapentin.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good God. Okay, so, yeah, a lot. Yeah. But you're taking an antipsychotic and you're taking gabapentin. You don't drink, do you?

[Chris]

No, not anymore. I'm four and a half years sober.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good for you, brother. Congratulations.

[Chris]

Okay, thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I won't get into your psychiatrist. That's a lot. Like, that tells me that you are either struggling mightily with major depressive disorder still, plus psychotic features, plus anxiety on top of it. And you're struggling to sleep, is that right?

[Chris]

Struggling to sleep. I don't have psychotic features, officially. I've never really dealt with those. We usually. We move. We use the psychotics mostly for mania when it hits.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So is it as needed?

[Chris]

Yeah, kind of. I take it daily, but it really could be as needed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, how long did it take them to diagnose you with bipolar 2?

[Chris]

Eight years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, like when they started, when they started the, the diagnostic, did they do it right in one meeting? Because here's the thing. Bipolar two, I want someone to track you and follow you and you come back and you come back. And that's something that they look at over time.

[Chris]

Oh, yes. I've been seeing the same psychiatrist for three years now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Chris]

And so there's definitely been check ins once a month or so, if not more, just to kind of see my progress and how I'm doing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, all right, so.

[Chris]

And even she wasn't convinced at first.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. All right, so I'm not a medical doctor, so I'm going to keep my mouth shut on my opinions there. Here's the bigger thing. How do you feel right now, man?

[Chris]

In this literal moment? A bit tense because I'm on a podcast, dude.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nobody listens to this thing, Chris. Nobody listens to this. Um, all right, so you're, you're on a podcast.

[Chris]

Yep. Um, overall, I'm feeling good. I'm a little stressed about work, but I think that's a healthy amount, you know, normal work stress.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Um, so what does your activity level look like? You getting outside? Are you able to go exercise? You're on a lot of stuff that would suggest you're probably put on some weight. You probably feel pretty lethargic sometimes I feel pretty lethargic.

[Chris]

I actually just put on weight and then lost it. I measured myself this morning and I'm 20 pounds down, dude. Which is not saying a lot for me, Chris.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's saying a lot for anybody, brother. That's a lot. That's excellent, man. So are you overweight now? Would you be classified as overweight?

[Chris]

No, I've never been classified as overweight, even when I was the heaviest I ever was.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so you're very, very thin.

[Chris]

Very thin. All my whole life, I have the biggest gut right now I've ever had, which is again, not saying much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so where did £20 go? I can cheer you on, but that may have been unhealthy. 20 pounds?

[Chris]

No, actually it was a healthy 20 pounds. I went from 148, which is what I was last year, which was very unhealthy. Couldn't gain weight. And then I put on like £40. £50, got to 200 and I was like, okay, I got a bit of a beer belly and I don't drink beer anymore, so time to do something about that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I call that the Gummy bear belly. All right, so tell me how I can help. It sounds like you've got the. You've got professional care, and it sounds like you are. I mean, you're staying in a pretty narrow window of behavior and like your physiology sounds like you're like, you know, all of us fluctuate and go up and down. You've got a ton of medication and that makes it tough. And you're able to stop power through that, which is amazing. How can I help, man?

[Chris]

Yeah, well, just hoping we could talk about how I constantly compare myself to others, whether that be through looking at, you know, I have a friend who owns a house and he's about the same age as me, and I'm sitting in my apartment right now that I can't even afford 100% by myself. I still get a little bit of help from my parents. So what kind of work? There's definitely an aspect of that. I'm an insurance. I'm a property and casualty licensed customer service representative.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So is your job to tell people no?

[Chris]

Unfortunately, I don't like telling people no. But yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So see how to approach this because. Because as far as I'm concerned, few people could hold a candle to your bravery.

[Chris]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And few people will ever know who interact with you on a day to day basis. Few people will know the hell you walked through for the last 10 years and the struggles you maintain on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. I mean, it's impressive.

[Chris]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you're. I say this like with a smile on my face. If you were here, you'd see this. And so this isn't a grenade I'm throwing, but you're pretty narced up. You got a lot going on. Like, a lot.

[Chris]

I don't like all the medication for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Pharmacologically. Yeah. So here's the thing. You getting up and looking and saying, hey, I still got to go do some things, and you go in to get those things done. That's amazing. I'm impressed. The bigger question is it sounds like you for the last 10 years, you may have been wandering through, just going through the motions to make sure that you trust the next step you take.

[Chris]

Yeah, I would say that's fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because if you don't trust yourself to spend money when you're up, you found yourself in a place where you don't even trust yourself when you feel good.

[Chris]

Yeah. Oh, wow. I never thought of it that way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And your baseline is I'm probably always feeling worse than the average person.

[Chris]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you Walk around every day with something that most people take for granted, which is you don't trust your own body. You don't trust your brain. That's a scary place to be, right?

[Chris]

Oh, yeah. No, that's terrifying.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you. You, while the rest of us are walking down the road every day, you're walking on a tightrope. And the fact that you're remotely keeping up with everybody is staggering. It's awesome.

[Chris]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm, you know, on the show. I'll tell you the truth, man. I would clown you, but I'm thoroughly impressed. An antipsychotic I wrote down here. Did you say lamictal, too?

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And Gabapentin?

[Chris]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And Klonopin.

[Chris]

And Klonopin. Trying to get away from Klonopin eventually. I'm trying to find something to substitute it because I've been on it so long.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, that one's pretty tough. But. But here's the thing. You getting up every day and getting after. I mean, it's amazing. The bigger question I want you to ask you is this. After 10 years of, like, I'm just picturing a tightrope between buildings, and your arms are out and you're trying to stabilize yourself, right?

[Chris]

Yeah, totally.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

After 10 years of that, I wonder if instead of surviving, you've never asked yourself, what do I actually want to do? Because I didn't hear in your voice that you want to be a sale, like an insurance adjuster.

[Chris]

Yeah. No, it's not a passion I have in life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What do you want to go do? Man.

[Chris]

You'Re asking me tough questions. Shoot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You thought about, like, when you were like, man, I wish my brain works like everybody else's and yours doesn't. So here we are. Right. Mine doesn't either.

[Chris]

Right.

[Kelly]

When.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When you. When you ask yourself that, what. What would you do? What's your fantasy? What would you want to go do?

[Chris]

You know what? If I could do anything, I would love to be a Hollywood actor.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Chris]

I think that'd be a ton of fun. I went to film school out here in Grand Rapids. Took some acting courses. Actually wasn't, you know, wasn't the most amazing at it, but I was good. So I just think it'd be something fun to do. The hours would be tough, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So do you reach out to local shoots there in Grand Rapids or in local theater and just. Just to act because it brings you joy?

[Chris]

I don't do local theater. I don't like getting up on stage in front of people.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. From a social Anxiety, perspective or just because you just don't like it?

[Chris]

Both.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because if it's. Because here's the thing, if it's about anxiousness, I would love to see you try.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would love to see you experience that anxiousness. And don't let your body's fear of what happens next rob you of a thing that you might love.

[Chris]

Yeah. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For sure, you've pathologized. Not in a bad way. It's to keep you safe, but you've pathologized feeling good.

[Chris]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I, meaning, like, I would love to be. I would love to open up the Michigan trades and see what, what commercials or local, like whatevers. Even a small film that's shooting within a two or three hour radius of me. That brings you a lot of anxiety, right?

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Not as much as the stage.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Yeah. Well, I have a tendency, and I want you to run this by your doctor, but I have a bias towards. If there is something in the vicinity of things that I love, I want to head into that problem. Can I tell you, Can I give you a lame example that has nothing to do with what you're talking about? I am.

[Chris]

I'm sure it won't be lame.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm terrified of heights. Like in a, like in a comic way. I don't like getting on a ladder. Very few things in the world scare me. Getting, like, heights scare me. And I love, love, love getting out in the woods and hunting all fall. And I have missed out on a lot of pretty neat opportunities because most hunting where I live is done in tree stands.

[Chris]

Oh, yeah. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And so this year, this year, after years and years and years of being out in the woods, I decided I'm gonna get over that. And so I've. I've taken some additional safety precautions, but also I've pushed myself. And here's the thing, I'm settling in already.

[Chris]

Really.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, I feel it. I put my fist in my chest and I feel that I'm nervous. And then I. I say, okay, I'm tied in here, so if I do fall out, I'm just gonna dangle from the tree because I'm tied in. And so then I begin to ex. Exhale through it. And now I am finding peace. But it just took, like, finding the thing that I was anxious about and going right into it.

[Chris]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you may be in a. In a psychological state that you need somebody to walk with you. That's great, man. That's great. But here's the thing. I want you to begin to ask Yourself, what do you want to do? So the idea of packing up from Grand Rapids and moving to Hollywood, that's probably not going to happen right at this stage of your life. Fair.

[Chris]

No. I've built a life here, so I don't want to leave it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What, what, what? Like, when it comes to performing, talking, thinking of people, like, what would you want to do?

[Chris]

I'd love to be in front of the camera.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Chris]

That would be the best thing. Which, actually, my boss just a week or so ago gave me a local talent agency and that I didn't know about. So definitely something I want to explore. But being in front of the camera would be my number one thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Chris]

Getting the chance to screw up over and over again until we get it right, because then it's a safe zone to do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Unless Kelly is your producer. And it's never safe.

[Chris]

Never safe.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Chris, I'm going to do this. I'm going to send you a copy of my buddy Ken Coleman's book, the Work youk're Wired to Do. And it's got a. It's got inside of it. It has m sent to you for free. But it's got a. Like an assessment. It's called a get clear assessment, what he calls it. But it runs you through a. It takes a while, about 15, 20 minutes, but it runs you through a whole bunch of things, and it points out some things you might be interested in. And the beautiful thing about actors, I think everybody in the plant on planet Earth in high school and in college should have to take at least one theater course and one counseling course, because a counseling course would teach you empathy and how to sit with people. And a theater course would teach you how to stand in front of people and become dot, dot, dot. Right? And that will help you in sales. That will help you in any number of positions of having to give people bad news and deny claims or to say yes to claims or whatever your job happens to be. It helps you embody something else. And so if you love acting, Chris, I want you to spend some time acting. I would love that for you. If you don't like being an insurance adjuster, being an actor may not pay your bills in a way that you can go buy a house and deal with some of those deeper core issues. I would love to see you get on some sort of exercise program. So the next time you see your doctor, I want you to say, I'm going to start an exercise program. How can I get started? And, dude, there's a thousand. Once you check out my buddies. Mindpump.com mindpumpfitness.com that's the ones I use. Or Jordan Syat S Y A T T. They've all got great, great programs that you can use to work out with. But when it comes to comparison, here's the thing, it's hard because you see an outside shell of somebody, you see the world that you think they're living and they see the world they think you're living and they don't know how hard it is for you on a day to day basis, on a week by week, month by month basis. And so you may not have a home yet even though you're 28. You may not have a six pack even though you're 28 and you're a male and whatever, you may not be dating anyone yet, whatever. But dude, you've got more bravery and strength than most. You've been going through it for a long, long time. And so I want you to sit down with your doctor and say, okay, we've been playing defense for a long time, 10 years. I want to start playing offense. I want to see what it looks like to begin to work through, walk right through some of these things that I'm anxious about and it's just exposure. I want to start walking through some of this stuff. I want to begin to get on the market and start dating. I want to get on the market and potentially get another job that might bring me a little more peace and I'm going to start doing some acting stuff because I'm not, I'm not, I'm not married to anybody. I've got all the time in the world after hours. I'm just get, I'm going to get after it. So Chris, here's one last thing. I want you to write Kris, 35 year old Kris a letter and talk about how good you're going to feel. Maybe one or two projects you've been a part of or four or five projects you've been a part of. How you're going to go to the local talent agency and just start slowly dipping your toes in that stuff. Maybe join a local theater, maybe start an exercise program. I want you to write a letter to 35 year old you and make a commitment. You've been fighting hard for a decade and I want you to start living now. I'm so proud of you man. I'm proud of you and honestly, honestly, I can't wait to see what happens next. Cheer your friends on. When you see a buddy with a house, cheer them on when you see a buddy with a six pack, cheer them on. That's the antidote. Gratitude, like celebration. That's the antidote to comparison, I think. But dude, I'm proud of you, brother. It's an honor that I got to talk to you. Call me anytime. We'll be right back. I'm a founding member of the get off the Internet and go outside club. And yet I, like all of you, find myself at work and in my personal life, basically living on the Internets these days. And as a society, we're creating more and more online accounts all of the time. We're signing up for promos, giving away our emails and personal numbers, and buying everything with our phones. I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, my business accounts. Every business wants to survey me and become my friend. And everyone everywhere is trying to sell me all kinds of stuff and it drives me nuts. 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Poncho shirts are all amazing and their flannels and their faded denim shirts are my favorites. I love poncho flannels and denims because they're soft yet super durable. You can't destroy them. And I know that because I've tried. They have a little bit of stretch, so they move with you and they dry quickly and they have slim and regular fits for different body types. And remember, Poncho shirts make great gifts for the men in your family. This holiday season, head to poncho outdoors.com and check out all of their shirt styles. And right now, use code Deloney show at checkout and Get a gift with every purchase of a button down shirt. That's Poncho outdoors.com Code DeLoney show. All right, let's go to Durham, North Carolina and talk to Leah. What's up, Leah?

[Leah]

Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great. How about you?

[Leah]

Doing well. I just want to say thank you to you and your team so much for everything you guys do. You're really impacted me a lot and I know so many others.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I appreciate that. It's mostly, it's probably like, like mostly me, but I'll thank them too. Leah. I literally, I literally do nothing. They run this whole thing. They're amazing.

[Leah]

Yes, especially Kelly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, we're going to go to the next caller and I love her.

[Paul]

I love you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So my question, especially Kelly, you're out of your mind. All right, so what's up?

[Leah]

Is it worth the financial burden to move closer to family?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No.

[Leah]

And I can give more context.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No.

[Leah]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I can hear, I can tell by your call you don't want to. Why don't you want to forget the money part? You don't want to live by them. I could tell by how you ask that question.

[Leah]

I feel like there's so much that goes into it, but basically my husband and I have been married for a couple years and we want to start a family soon. And we like the area that we're in now. But my family is hundreds of miles away in a higher cost living area that we don't necessarily like as much, but we would have so much more help with kids. And so it's just a lot because I don't know if it's better for me to sacrifice my own time so I can, so I would have to work more so I could afford it. But I also just hear constantly how difficult it is. And so it's just been going on in my mind and my husband has the same thoughts of not knowing what's best for our family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, you've made this about money, but I don't think it is.

[Leah]

Yeah, I think it goes beyond that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, tell me, tell me about the, tell me about the great beyond.

[Leah]

I don't know. I think I love the area that I'm in Again, but stop.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about your family. You don't want us talking about it. So great. Tell me about your family.

[Leah]

My family's awesome. Like, yes, they're, they're definitely not perfect, but I don't think there's these fundamental big issues that would prevent me from being around them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you could Pick them up and drop them in your current neighborhood. Would you do that?

[Leah]

Yes, 100%.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All right. That's helpful.

[Leah]

Yeah. Like, I have no family, like, trauma or anything from my childhood that I can remember that would prevent me from moving.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Leah]

But I also feel like it's important for my husband and I to kind of have our own thing away from them and to grow without them, but also feeling on the other side that it's going to be way too difficult, and it ruins marriages, having kids and all these things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't. I mean, it's not having kids that ruins marriages. It's. It's. It's a lack of intentionality. And honestly, loneliness is tough. So tell me about your. Your friends and where you live right now.

[Leah]

Yeah. So we've been here for a couple of years, and I would say we've. We've made a ton of effort to make really great friends, and we do have a good community down here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have a community? So here's the thing. I saw in real time. I've heard about this, but I saw it, and it was amazing. When my wife got pregnant with Hank, she texted three of her friends, three amazing women, and said. Who already had kids. And she said, I'm going to text y'all at 2am, 8am, whenever. Y'all are like, my help me outs. Y'all are my come overs any times. And I'm telling you what, they were amazing. And, like, they would show up, they would take the kid, they would do all like. It was about intentionality.

[Leah]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I got to see that ringside. That was pretty amazing. It was less so when Josephine came around, because there weren't all those, like, how do we do this? Questions? Or is this rash, normal kind of questions. And it was. It was more challenging because I think it was less about the question answering and more about. You've heard me say this a million times. Like, the idea that a woman's supposed to come home from the hospital and just sit at her house for two months or four months or six months or forever, if she chooses to stay at home all alone by herself is insane. Right. And not sleep and not eat and not have human contact, like, that's madness. We just made that up here in this culture, and it's. It's. It's insane. And so finding people intentionally that you're going to be around, I think it just comes down to intentionality and you choosing to go be weird.

[Leah]

Okay. Yeah. Because I. I feel like I've heard from you A couple of times. Like, a woman shouldn't be alone with a crying baby. And to me, I'm like, oh, well, I don't have my family here to help me, but it doesn't have to be family. Like, it could be other people, but I think it's. It's hard for me to ask for help.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's what I was going to ask you.

[Leah]

Yeah. It's like my family's the one group of people where I don't care what I'm asking them, because I. I know, like, I would do anything for them, but I also would do anything for my friends here, too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Leah]

So I just need to get past that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I. And I love. Are you pregnant now?

[Leah]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I would love. When you find out that you're pregnant, I would love for you to take out a group of three to five or six women. You pay for coffee or you pay for brunch and just announce it. And then, I don't know. I don't want to be cheesy, but, like, hand them each a handwritten card or something.

[Leah]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's like, from this moment forward, you're my ride or die. You can opt out, but I'm going to lean on you. Y'all are my family here in North Carolina.

[Leah]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And every Tuesday, we're getting together. Every Thursday afternoon, we're getting together, and I'm gonna text you at 2am, at 4pm, at 1am, like, I'm gonna need you guys, and I'll always be there for y'all. Are y'all in? Are we all in? And if you do that with five people, four of them will say yes, one of them will say no. Or actually, they'll all say yes because peer pressure. And then one of them just won't respond to your text. But that will be about them, not you. And that's okay. They get to do that because their life might be bonkers. Who knows? But, yes, you're going to have to choose to ask for help and support and relationships and friends. And then I would love for you and your husband to practice on the front end to begin to, like, build together away. Like, every once a week, every Sunday night, we get together and we talk about our calendar and we talk about our budget, and we ask each other, like, two or three, like, how are we doing? How are we doing? In fact, hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy. I'm going to send you Questions for Humans Intimacy deck and Questions for Humans 3, the brand new couples deck. Only just to keep those. Go through a couple of them every Sunday night right now. Even when you don't have kids, when you're not pregnant, you get in the rhythm of. This is how we come back to the table, and we come back to the table, and we come back to the table. This is just a part of our life. And so that when you have kids, your first baby, and you go through pregnancy, there's gonna be things that you don't even think to tell him or that you're just experiencing, and you don't realize he's not experiencing them either, or vice versa. And it's just the rhythm of y'all talking is going to already be there. The rhythm of you going up through the week is going to be there. The rhythm of you guys being honest with each other is going to be there. And, man, that. That's the. That's the part that blows up marriages. The marriages I see that get even, like, deeper and more connected are those that talk and co. Experience this thing together, and they understand, okay, what we had is completely over now. And here's the other thing, Liam, I'd recommend if you love your. Where you live, you'll have great jobs, you are doing well, and you're. You're establishing yourself. You can always, six months in, look at your husband and be like, dude, we got to get out of here. We got to go home. I got to go back to wherever my family lives. And y'all can always do that. It would be harder to move to your family and then six months and be like, yeah, we made a mistake. Forget you guys. We're out of here. So you can always move afterwards. But if you love where you live and it's. It's better for you all financially, I think younger couples all across the country are having to make that call right now. We want to live in these established cities with our families where They've lived for 20 years, 30 years, 50 years. We can't afford it, so we're having to move to other places across the country. Beautiful, wonderful, like, newly established places. It's just the way of the world right now because things got real, real expensive, and especially in some of these major metropolitan. Metropolitan areas. And so y'all do what's best for you guys financially. You do what's best for you guys with your community. And you sister, get over the. I don't like to ask for help. You're about to bring a human into the world. You're gonna need all the help you can get. My sister hey, thanks for the call. We'll be right back. All right, good folks, I want to tell you about Cozy Earth. The holidays are coming in hot and there's buying things and traveling and the little drummer boy on repeat. But more than ever at this time of year, for your physical and your mental and relational health, you need to take a break from the madness and create a peaceful sleep environment. I call mine my sleep sanctuary. And for me and my family, a big part of our sleep sanctuaries include products from Cozy Earth. Their bed sheets are amazing. They're made from viscose from bamboo. They're tough as iron, but they're smooth as silk. Oh yeah. And my wife is in love with Cozy Earth's long sleeved bamboo pajama set. And I love their cityscape hoodies and crew necks. And they come in men's and women's and kids sizes. And also I recently got this giant weighted Cozy Earth blanket and my whole family has been loving piling underneath it to watch a movie. Now don't forget, during gift giving season, Cozy earth offers a 10 year warranty on all of their bedding. So when you find yourself in the middle of a holiday chaos, mess and pahrumpa pum pum, establish your peaceful sanctuary with help from Cozy Earth. Go to cozy earth.com DeLoney and use code deloney for an exclusive discount of up to 40% off cozy earth.com DeLoney and if you get a post purchase survey, say that you heard about Cozy Earth on this show. All right, let's go out to Naples, Florida and talk to Paul. What's up, Paul? How we doing?

[Kelly]

Hi, Dr. John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up, dude?

[Kelly]

I'm doing great. Well, I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on trying to make friends at 44 when everything seems really good in your life. But I think 40, middle mid age is kind of a hard time to make new friends.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Paul, it's the worst. It's the worst.

[Kelly]

I'm surprised to hear you say that. You kind of strike me as a very extroverted type of guy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, I am introverted as the dad. Dude, I'm, I am. I. Oh, okay, listen, like I'm on this. I'm in the studio by myself talking to a camera. I can see Kelly's like mean glare out the corner of my eye where she just like totally disapproving of everything I do and say. But other than that, like, yeah, I. Dude, it's. Making friends in your 40s is, it's, it's one of the most Challenging things I think a person can do, I really do. You're not crazy, you're not alone. I'm going through the same thing right now.

[Kelly]

Okay, I hear you. I just discovered your show a couple months ago and I hear you saying you have like all sorts of wild, adventurous people over to your house all the time. And it got me thinking I should do something like that. But I don't even know where to start. I. You know, I've been married for 19 years, great marriage with my wife, got three kids. They're all super busy and they're all doing great and focused on my career a lot for my 20s and 30s and doing really well in work. And then suddenly I had a good friend who a couple months ago moved away for work and I'm kind of alone. I don't really have too many close friends, certainly not in the area. And so I think maybe part of it is I don't prioritize it because I'm thinking about my career, I'm thinking about my family, I'm thinking about my wife. And then suddenly I'm also introverted like you. And I sometimes feel like I don't have the energy to do it, but maybe I just need to prioritize it more is what I'm thinking.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, I would hug you if you were sitting right here. You were so far ahead of where I would say 95% of mid 40 year old men are right now like you are. The fact that you're thinking about this and feeling it and you're bummed that your buddy left and you're able to verbalize. I mean, you are so far ahead of the game because most men in your situation would have grabbed an extra drink, would have played an extra hour of Fortnite, or sat in front of the computer and watched another hour of pornography or just like gone Back to Office reruns until they just fade out. And I can't tell you how impressive I am impressed with you. I am. So you've identified it early on. What I have found for me is I'll just be as honest as I can. If I get the courage to ask somebody to a thing and they say no. I don't know why. I just feel like I'm 10 again. Like it just, it's like, oh, you're going to be by yourself again. Yeah, yeah. I've started a thing. I started about three years ago. I started when I buy a concert ticket, I would just buy two or I might buy three or whatever, depending how expensive they Are. And then I would just invite people to come and if they could pay for them, cool. If they couldn't, cool. I just like going to concerts and I know it's not always the best to go by yourself. And yeah, the other night I had an extra ticket and I was calling around and nobody would, nobody could come. And it was, by the way, it was an insane band, right? Like nobody in their right mind would want to go to the show. And it was like two days out and it was late. It was like a weekday. So you have to get up and go to work tomorrow. But still I just have this weird thing. I take it personal. So here's the only way I figured out is creating a context. So I would recommend you and your wife having a once a month or once every two weeks. Once every two weeks is probably a lot. But once a month we have a potluck over at Paul's. And dude, we do that with Easter. We do that with some holidays. We do that kind of randomly. And I invite everybody, like, and when I invite 40 people and 10 of them come, I don't feel bad. I think it's pretty amazing.

[Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I invite like my amazing Kate. My tattoo artist and her family came. I've got songwriters, like, like low key songwriters and college administrators and marketing people and like lawn care guy. Like, they're just random people at the house. They all vote all over the place. We even have this. I have, I always set up the guest room and I make a big announcement. If you're here and you don't want to be here and you just want to go to bed, you can go up to the guest room. I've made the bed up and you can go to sleep. Just go shut the door and go to bed. Right? Like here's a TV is on with video games or stuff going on outside. And so we have a random assortment of people over at any given time. My 8 year old was like, hey, you know, it'd be fun. A dog birthday. And I was like, no, we're not those people. But my wife threw a dog birthday and had random people over. And so it's finding ridiculous things to gather around a table. And I'll just tell you this, man, there's not an easy way to do it. You just got to go first and you got to be weird.

[Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. Okay. But you said anybody in our life, like parents of other kids on my kids sports teams and people I know from work and people from church.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Great place to start is right there.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Great place to start is there's four or five people. A couple of my closest friends I met when my son was in fifth grade, and we had just moved to a new town here in Nashville. We moved outside to another city, like a rural town. And my son's coach, his name was David, was just a great guy, just a hospitable guy. We. Our lives are very, very different. He's a veteran who works in it. He's an amazing guy. And his wife became one of our close friends. Like, they just became cool. But, yeah, that's. That was a great place. And with that community, we found a new. A few new. More friends and a few more friends. And so it's become a fun group. We don't have a lot in common professionally, but it's been a blast.

[Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But no, I. Dude, I can't tell you how proud of you I am, man. Good for you.

[Kelly]

Thanks. And your wife, is she introverted, too? So part of the struggle we have is it's kind of draining for both of us to have, like, a lot of people over. But, I mean, you just sort of say, hey, we need to do this because, you know, we want to have friends. We want to have a network of people that we can call on when times are good and times are hard. Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. They're looking for, yeah, I want somebody just I can laugh with. Life's too short, or a life. Somebody I can see a couple weeks later and be like, yeah, you remember when. Or that was awesome that one time. Right. It just becomes. It becomes. Yeah, it's just. It's just doing life with my wife is very. She's more introverted than me, but where she excels is she's really. She took on about 10 or 15 years ago the idea of hospitality as a spiritual practice.

[Kelly]

Yeah, sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it became like both of our default setting is just to be alone. So we face down in her especially. I'm going to walk through my tendency to want to be alone, and I'm going to open up my house. And so she's like. She has done everything from learn how to garden, so she's got fresh stuff. And she went and learned how to make sourdough. She's done all this wild stuff so that she can really excel at the art of hospitality. And now we have people coming and staying at our house from all over the country if they need two days just to reset their marriage or whatever. But it's. That's. That's all her.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just creating a quiet, safe place for people to come. But here's the thing. She's become the master at the one on one. Like, she goes and has lunches with one person and she's got some deep, rich friendships that, quite frankly, I'm jealous of. But every. Here's the thing, everybody does it differently. There's not a right or wrong way.

[Kelly]

Yeah, well, being introverted, doing the one on one thing is a lot less, I don't know, draining than going to big group settings, at least for me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So maybe invite two people over or three people over, three couples over. Just know that one of them you're going to have a good connection with. One of them is going to be weird and one of them will make butt crack jokes all the time like I do. It'll be fine.

[Kelly]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, yeah. Yeah. I'm all in for you, brother. I'm proud of you, dude.

[Kelly]

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, congratulations, man. Hey, send me a picture the first time you get a bunch of gang together and then just put an arrow over the one that you're like. Yeah, I'm not. I'm not inviting this guy back over. He's weird. Just kidding. Don't do that. That would be the Kelly photo. Hey, thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. The budgeting and spending app that I love and I personally use is every dollar. And it's the greatest budgeting and planning app on planet earth. Almost nothing stresses out a marriage like money issues. Couples fight about how to spend, how to save, the cost of everything which has gotten out of control, the lack of discipline, everything. And if you're single, trying to figure out how to even exist in the modern era of insane rent prices, food and fuel costs, car cost and more is a nightmare. If you're ready to get serious about getting your money under control, I want you to try out everydollar. It will help you get control of your money, help you create a plan for paying off debt, saving for things that matter, and will even help figuring out areas where you need to earn more. If you want to accomplish your goals, go to EveryDollar.com DeLoney right now and you can try out EveryDollar for 30 days for free. That's EveryDollar.com DeLoney or go to the app store and download everydollar and use promo code Deloney. Get control of your money with every dollar. All right, as we wrap up this show today, listen, I've been talking about this a lot. We're about to hit a major milestone, so if you will just stop what you're doing because I'm about to ruin. Listen, if you'll stop what you're doing and hit subscribe on the YouTube channel, it makes a humongous difference and we're getting really close to the million mark and it would just mean a lot to me. And we're filming this on Halloween today and it comes out when Early December.

[Paul]

This episode comes out on December 6th.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I see that you came as a mean, mean old lady. It's a great costume.

[Paul]

I see as you came as something too, but it's not appropriate to mention on time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's what I came as today.

[Paul]

Which I will stop. We recorded this episode way earlier than we normally do. We normally record start recording at like 9:30am and this one was an 8:15.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I came is on time for Halloween.

[Paul]

On time and I should be Halloween every day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Scared everybody to dare impressed.

[Paul]

Especially considering last night I got a note saying we have an 8:15 recording and I thought oh no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well I was hunting in the woods last night chasing a deers and I happened to look a deers. Listen, last night I had quite the adventure. I'm still recovering from it. I may or may not have slept last night, but we're here. Came is on time.

[Paul]

You did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I like it's a once in a year.

[Paul]

I like this Halloween costume on you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You might get it for Christmas too. But that's it. Hey, love you guys. Stay in school if you're trick or treating tonight. Make good choices. And this episode comes out after the election so hopefully we're all still alive. Love you guys. Take care. Bye.