Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show – "I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her"

Release Date: January 13, 2025

Overview

In this compelling episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, host Dr. John DeLoney delves deep into the complexities of relationships and mental health challenges through real-life caller interactions. The episode, titled "I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her," addresses profound issues such as marital strain, personal trauma, self-identity, and the quest for emotional stability. Dr. DeLoney offers insightful advice, drawing from his extensive experience to guide listeners toward healthier relationships and improved mental well-being.

1. Tyler’s Struggles in Marriage

Caller: Tyler from Des Moines, Iowa
Timestamp of Key Quote: [00:05] – [05:14]

Key Points:

• Marital Strain: Tyler expresses deep discomfort and a declining emotional connection with his wife of 18 years. He shares, "I'm not comfortable in a room with her... I hate that about myself" ([00:05]).

• Underlying Issues: Through the conversation, it's revealed that Tyler feels emotionally abused by his wife, who insults and belittles him. He recounts a traumatic incident where his wife sexually assaulted him during their college years, leaving him feeling betrayed and unsupported by their faith-based community ([05:14]).

• Counseling Challenges: Tyler and his wife underwent marriage counseling, but the advice he received was detrimental, emphasizing submissiveness and accommodating his wife's needs without addressing his own well-being ([06:58]).

Dr. DeLoney’s Insights:

• Defining Friendship in Marriage: Dr. DeLoney emphasizes that a successful marriage should be built on friendship, where both partners can share the good and bad without fear of judgment ([04:30]).

• Personal Accountability and Healing: He urges Tyler to seek individual therapy to address his trauma and to redefine his personal boundaries and needs ([10:23]).

• Setting Clear Boundaries: Dr. DeLoney advises Tyler to establish what he requires for emotional and physical safety, suggesting that reestablishing his sense of self is crucial before attempting to mend the marital relationship ([14:40]).

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John DeLoney: "Why don't you like her? Why aren't y'all friends?" ([02:21])
• Tyler: "She's not nice to me. She calls me names. She is full of insults..." ([03:32])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "What must be true for the life I want to build." ([14:46])

2. Alan’s Journey of Weight Loss and Self-Discovery

Caller: Alan from Memphis, Tennessee
Timestamp of Key Quote: [20:42] – [33:56]

Key Points:

• Significant Weight Loss: Alan shares his success in losing 100 pounds over two and a half years, attributing his transformation to sustainability and addressing the root causes of his weight gain, including family history and personal struggles with obesity ([20:53]).

• Identity Crisis: Despite his physical transformation, Alan grapples with self-identity, often not recognizing himself in the mirror and feeling like he doesn't know who he truly is ([21:35]).

• Emotional Eating: Alan identifies emotional eating as a coping mechanism for sadness, anger, and depression, which affected his relationships and self-esteem ([27:18]).

Dr. DeLoney’s Insights:

• Embracing the New Self: Dr. DeLoney celebrates Alan’s achievements and encourages him to build confidence by engaging in activities that reinforce his new identity, such as maintaining a woodworking hobby and participating in physical exercise ([28:34]).

• Navigating Relationship Changes: He advises Alan to evaluate and possibly sever ties with toxic relationships that depended on his former self-image, while strengthening connections with those who support his transformation ([28:40]).

• Setting Practical Goals: Dr. DeLoney suggests actionable steps for Alan to continue his growth, including setting up adventures, maintaining a gratitude practice, and fostering new, healthy routines ([30:15]).

Notable Quotes:

• Alan: "I just don't recognize myself." ([21:35])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Who do you want to go be?" ([26:49])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "You're not telling me the whole story... You have to listen to what these experiences taught you." ([28:34])

3. Charmaine’s Battle with Job Loss and Expecting a Child

Caller: Charmaine from Omaha, Nebraska
Timestamp of Key Quote: [36:43] – [43:57]

Key Points:

• Job Instability: Charmaine discusses losing her job for the second time within a year after relocating to Omaha for better opportunities and affordability. Her most recent job loss occurred during her wife’s pregnancy, heightening her anxiety about fulfilling her role as a provider ([36:48]).

• ADHD Challenges: She reveals struggles with ADHD, including difficulties focusing at work despite receiving a diagnosis and attempting to manage her symptoms with minimal success ([41:39]).

• Balancing Family and Career: The dual pressure of expecting a child and facing job instability has left Charmaine feeling like a failure both as a husband and a prospective father ([39:11]).

Dr. DeLoney’s Insights:

• Grieving and Moving Forward: Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the importance of grieving the job loss but also encourages Charmaine to take proactive steps toward rebuilding her career ([40:02]).

• Self-Improvement Strategies: He recommends practical actions such as engaging in physical activities, starting small projects, seeking new job opportunities, and reconnecting with his wife through quality time without distractions ([42:48]).

• Building Confidence: Dr. DeLoney advises Charmaine to regain his confidence by setting achievable goals and maintaining consistency in his efforts, reinforcing the belief in his own capabilities ([43:33]).

Notable Quotes:

• Charmaine: "I feel like I'm failing as a husband and I'm not even a father yet." ([39:05])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Losing a job... has a similar impact to losing a loved one." ([39:13])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "What must be true for the life I want to build." ([40:22])

4. Celebrating Resilient Relationships: Sharon and Owen Cisparo

Guests: Sharon and Owen Cisparo, retired Marines
Timestamp of Key Quote: [50:10] – [53:10]

Key Points:

• Anniversary Celebration: The couple celebrates their 10-year wedding anniversary by dedicating each night of the week to going on dates and using the "Questions for Humans" intimacy deck provided by Dr. DeLoney ([50:10]).

• Enhanced Relationship: Through intentional planning and communication exercises, Sharon and Owen report significant growth and renewed vigor in their relationship, highlighting the effectiveness of Dr. DeLoney’s tools ([50:19]).

• Military Background: Their disciplined and structured approach, influenced by their military backgrounds, showcases how commitment and intentionality can strengthen marital bonds ([50:24]).

Dr. DeLoney’s Insights:

• Intentional Relationship Building: He praises their efforts, emphasizing the importance of being intentional in nurturing relationships through regular and meaningful interactions ([51:40]).

• Community and Support: Dr. DeLoney acknowledges the couple’s commitment and encourages listeners to adopt similar practices to foster stronger, more resilient relationships ([53:10]).

Notable Quotes:

• Sharon and Owen: "It was incredible. We learned so much about each other..." ([50:27])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Way to go guys. That's rad." ([51:40])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Happy Thanksgiving. ... I wish you guys the absolute best." ([52:31])

Conclusion

In this episode, Dr. John DeLoney masterfully navigates complex personal issues brought forth by his callers, providing empathetic and practical advice. From addressing deep-seated marital issues and personal trauma to celebrating transformative journeys and resilient relationships, the episode offers a comprehensive exploration of the human experience in relationships and mental health. Dr. DeLoney’s guidance emphasizes self-awareness, personal growth, and the importance of supportive relationships, making this episode a valuable resource for anyone grappling with similar challenges.

Key Takeaways:

• Self-Reflection and Honesty: Essential for identifying and addressing personal and relational issues.
• Seeking Professional Help: Individual therapy can be crucial in healing and setting healthy boundaries.
• Intentional Relationship Practices: Regular, meaningful interactions can significantly strengthen relationships.
• Embracing Change: Personal transformations require confidence and the willingness to let go of toxic relationships while fostering supportive ones.

Notable Quotes Highlighted:

• Tyler: "I hate that about myself." ([00:05])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Why don't you like her? Why aren't y'all friends?" ([02:21])
• Alan: "I don't know who I am." ([21:35])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Who do you want to go be?" ([26:49])
• Charmaine: "I feel like I'm failing as a husband and I'm not even a father yet." ([39:05])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Losing a job... has a similar impact to losing a loved one." ([39:13])
• Sharon and Owen: "It was incredible. We learned so much about each other..." ([50:27])

This episode serves as a testament to the human spirit's resilience and the transformative power of seeking help, being honest with oneself, and maintaining supportive relationships. Dr. John DeLoney continues to provide a safe space for listeners to explore their deepest challenges and find pathways to healing and stronger connections.