How to Ask The Right Questions Using Thoughtful Curiosity

Summary

The Duct Tape Marketing Podcast: How to Ask The Right Questions Using Thoughtful Curiosity

Host: John Jantsch
Guest: Dr. Amber Wright
Release Date: November 21, 2024
Episode: How to Ask The Right Questions Using Thoughtful Curiosity

---

Introduction

In this insightful episode of The Duct Tape Marketing Podcast, host John Jantsch welcomes Dr. Amber Wright, a renowned communication expert, coach, facilitator, and former communication professor. Dr. Wright specializes in helping organizations enhance how their members feel seen, heard, and valued. With her expertise, she guides leaders to express their authentic selves with authority and grace. Dr. Wright's popular TEDx talk, "Ask Better Questions to Build Better Connections," has inspired countless individuals to strengthen their communication skills in both personal and professional settings.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Amber Wright [00:00]: "Every relationship that we ever enter into, personal or professional, begins or ends with a question."

---

The Power of Questions in Building Connections

Dr. Wright emphasizes that questions are fundamental to all relationships. Whether initiating contact or concluding an interaction, questions pave the way for meaningful connections. She underscores the importance of moving beyond superficial inquiries to foster deeper understanding and engagement.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Amber Wright [01:15]: "Every relationship that we ever enter into, personal or professional, begins or ends with a question."

---

Crafting the Right Questions

John and Dr. Wright delve into the distinction between mundane questions and those that truly engage. While questions like "How are you?" often serve as conversational fillers, more thoughtful questions can lead to richer discussions.

Dr. Wright illustrates this with an example from her personal life:

Dr. Amber Wright [02:46]: "A better question is what was the best part of your day today."

This approach not only invites reflection but also encourages the other person to share more meaningful insights, thereby enhancing the quality of the conversation.

---

Feeling Seen and Valued

The concept of "feeling seen" is explored as a cornerstone of effective communication. Dr. Wright explains that making someone feel seen involves paying close attention to both verbal and non-verbal cues. This attentiveness fosters an environment where individuals feel acknowledged and appreciated.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Amber Wright [03:21]: "To see someone is to acknowledge them."

She provides practical examples, such as noticing a team member's subtle signs of distress during a meeting and addressing it empathetically. This practice not only strengthens team dynamics but also builds trust and respect within the organization.

---

The Role of Self-Awareness and Active Listening

Self-awareness is highlighted as a critical component of effective leadership and communication. Dr. Wright advocates for leaders to understand their own personalities, preferences, and communication styles. This self-knowledge enables them to interact more authentically and effectively with others.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Amber Wright [04:39]: "A good leader must first know themselves."

Active listening is equally emphasized. Dr. Wright points out that many individuals listen merely to respond rather than to understand. By practicing active listening—truly focusing on the speaker's message without formulating a reply—communicators can engage more deeply and respond more thoughtfully.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Amber Wright [05:55]: "We have two ears and one mouth for a reason, so we can listen twice as much as we speak."

---

Applying Thoughtful Questions in Business Contexts

The conversation shifts to practical applications of thoughtful questioning in various business scenarios, including interactions with customers, team members, and prospects. Dr. Wright emphasizes that asking the right questions can uncover clients' true needs and challenges, enabling more effective problem-solving and service delivery.

Example in Sales:

Dr. Amber Wright [07:23]: "You can't solve the client's problem if you're not listening to what they tell you when you ask them the question, 'What's the biggest challenge you're having right now?'"

By actively listening to the responses, businesses can tailor their offerings to better meet client needs, thereby enhancing customer satisfaction and loyalty.

---

Handling Conflicts with Thoughtful Curiosity

Addressing conflict is another critical area where thoughtful questioning can make a significant difference. Dr. Wright outlines strategies for managing disagreements, emphasizing the importance of understanding different perspectives and focusing on the core issue rather than personal attacks.

Key Strategies:

1. Perspective-Taking: Encouraging individuals to view the situation from the other person's standpoint.
2. Identifying the Core Issue: Moving beyond immediate frustrations to uncover the underlying problem.
3. Using "I" Statements: Expressing feelings and reactions without blaming others.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Amber Wright [18:10]: "Use 'I' statements to say, 'I felt this way when you did X,' rather than attacking the person's character."

These techniques facilitate more constructive dialogues, reduce defensiveness, and promote resolution.

---

Enhancing Team Dynamics Through Personality Assessments

Dr. Wright advocates for the use of personality assessments, such as Myers-Briggs, to better understand team members' communication and conflict styles. By recognizing and valuing individual differences, teams can collaborate more effectively and minimize misunderstandings.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Amber Wright [16:30]: "Spending time talking about our individual communication and conflict styles can empower and equip teams to work more efficiently."

This approach fosters an inclusive environment where each team member's strengths are acknowledged and leveraged for collective success.

---

Intrapersonal Communication: Asking the Right Questions to Oneself

Transitioning from interpersonal to intrapersonal communication, Dr. Wright discusses the importance of self-inquiry for personal growth. She highlights practices like journaling, which can help individuals reflect on their thoughts and feelings, thereby enhancing self-awareness and decision-making.

Example:

Dr. Amber Wright [12:41]: "Ask yourself, 'What's the best part of your day today?' to invite reflection and self-awareness."

By consistently asking meaningful questions to oneself, individuals can challenge limiting beliefs and foster personal development.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Amber Wright [14:03]: "If I knew that it would work out and nobody would be mad at me, what would I want then?"

This question encourages honest self-evaluation and the pursuit of authentic desires without fear of judgment.

---

Practical Tips for Implementing Thoughtful Curiosity

Towards the end of the episode, Dr. Wright shares actionable advice for listeners looking to incorporate thoughtful questioning into their daily interactions:

1. Be Intentional: Decide how you want to engage with others and let that guide your questions.
2. Avoid Intrusiveness: Ask questions that invite sharing without making others uncomfortable.
3. Listen Actively: Focus on understanding rather than preparing your response.
4. Use Open-Ended Questions: Encourage detailed and meaningful answers.
5. Reflect on Responses: Use the information gathered to build stronger connections and address needs effectively.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Amber Wright [10:43]: "Ask thoughtful questions and listen intently for the responses."

---

Favorite Questions and Closing Remarks

In a friendly exchange, John asks Dr. Wright about her favorite question to ask someone new. Dr. Wright reiterates her preference for asking, "What's been the best part of your day today?" John shares a personal anecdote about enjoying snowfall, demonstrating the potential for genuine and engaging conversations that such questions can foster.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Amber Wright [19:33]: "What's been the best part of your day today, because you're going to get a different answer every time."

The episode concludes with Dr. Wright providing resources for listeners to connect with her, emphasizing the value of continued learning and application of thoughtful curiosity in both personal and professional realms.

---

Conclusion

This episode of The Duct Tape Marketing Podcast offers a comprehensive exploration of the art of questioning. Dr. Amber Wright's insights into crafting the right questions, active listening, handling conflicts, and enhancing both interpersonal and intrapersonal communications provide valuable strategies for business owners, entrepreneurs, and professionals aiming to foster meaningful connections and drive business growth. By embracing thoughtful curiosity, listeners can transform their communication practices, leading to more effective leadership, stronger teams, and satisfied clients.

---

Connect with Dr. Amber Wright:

• Website: wordswellsaid.com
• LinkedIn: Search for Dr. Amber Wright (look for the pink sweater profile)

---

Tune in to future episodes of The Duct Tape Marketing Podcast for more expert insights and actionable marketing strategies to help grow your business.

Transcript

[Dr. Amber Wright]

Every relationship that we ever enter into, personal or professional, begins or ends with a question. What's your name? How are you? Are you single? Are you hiring? In the middle of it? What are we doing? Is this working? Is this not working? Is it over?

[John Chance]

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Duct Tape Marketing podcast. This is John Chance and my guest today is Dr. Amber Wright. She is a communication expert, coach, facilitator, and former communication professor. She helps organizations improve how they make their people feel seen, heard, and valued. As an executive coach and speaker, she guides leaders to express their highest selves with authentic authority and grace. Her popular TEDx talk, Ask Better Questions to build better Connections, has inspired people around the world to become stronger communicators in their everyday lives. So do I call you Dr. Amber? Dr. Wright? Either way, welcome to the show.

[Dr. Amber Wright]

You can call me Dr. Amber. Amber's just fine as well.

[John Chance]

So let's start with referencing your TED Talk. Why questions? Why are questions so powerful? Or why do you suggest that's the medium for better connections?

[Dr. Amber Wright]

That's because every relationship that we ever enter into, personal or professional, begins or ends with a question. What's your name? How are you? Are you single? Are you hiring? In the middle of it? What are we doing? Is this working? Is this not working? Is it over? So having that realization is the impetus of my work in the sense that knowing that. Right. Why aren't we better at asking questions since they're so important?

[John Chance]

So as I listen to that list of questions you gave as examples there, I mean, in some cases they're almost punctuation to conversations, right? They're not, they're almost not real questions. Like when somebody says, how are you? Do you ever really give that some song? Well, let me think about it. But, but you do talk about the right questions though. So is there, can you give some examples of what you would suggest are powerful sort of right questions? I know they're probably different in different situations, but let's go there for a minute.

[Dr. Amber Wright]

Yeah. I frame a better question or a right question or a good question. That's one that is open ended obviously. And that also serves as an invitation. It invites the person to reflect. And I tell often, and I say this in my talk, my TEDx, about how when my teenager now when she was in grade school, I'd pick her up and say, how was your day? That's technically an open ended question. But a better question is what was the best part of your day today?

[John Chance]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. Amber Wright]

That gives her an invitation then to reflect on her day and we can have a richer discussion as a result.

[John Chance]

Yeah, it's much easier question to answer too. Right. I mean, how was your day? I don't know. Let me think what I do all day. Right. Whereas a very specific question I think is, I mean in a lot of contexts is easier for us. One of the, you know, it's in your bio and I know you talk about it in the talk is this idea of feeling seen. And I think that's seems like that's become a pretty common or almost trendy thing to say and I wonder if you could make that practical for us. What does that mean?

[Dr. Amber Wright]

I think when you make someone feel seen there there's something about kind of quietly saying I see you.

[John Chance]

Right.

[Dr. Amber Wright]

And that comes by way of just paying closer attention. It's noticing that, you know, someone on your team is tearful on a call or maybe they are off camera for some reason consistently. It's noticing when it's the drop of the shoulders, non verbally it's the role of the eye in a meeting. Right. It's being able to kind of notice the things that are happening around you in both times of chemistry and in conflict and be able to say, hey, I see how you might be feeling disappointed by X, Y and Z thing. How can I support you? It's really more of an. To see someone is to acknowledge them.

[John Chance]

What are some of the kind of most. Well, let me back up. I was going to ask you for most. Like there's lots of applications, lots of uses for this technique if you will. But what are you, what role does self awareness play in this? Right. I mean as I listened to you talk about that idea of, I mean you have to really be very aware of yourself I think to understand what's going on in the other person's world.

[Dr. Amber Wright]

Absolutely. And that is the harder work that's at play.

[John Chance]

Yeah.

[Dr. Amber Wright]

I give keynotes and talks to leadership teams all the time. And to be a good leader, I think the first thing, the first rule of order is to know thyself. You got to know who you are as a person because then that impacts the way that you show up as a leader. So then just interpersonally, who am I as a person? How do I take in information? How am I energized? Am I. Do I prefer introversion? Extroversion. Like that's why personality assessments are so popular because they help give us language to grow in our self awareness to describe what it's like to experience us as people. And I like to encourage people to do that work because it can be such a good investment in all of your interpersonal and professional relationship dynamics. Is self awareness is so key?

[John Chance]

So I could create a list. In fact, I have created a list of questions that I plan to ask you, or at least something close to those. But equally important, as important as maybe more important than the question, is actually hearing what the person said. Right. I mean, so most of us are, I would say the majority of people are not great listeners. How key is that role?

[Dr. Amber Wright]

You're on a roll here, John. I think after self awareness, it's listening. I always say we have two ears and one mouth for a reason, so we can listen twice as much as we speak. And that is another layer of the deeper work. Are we slowing down enough to pay attention and to listen, to understand, not only to reply? Many times we are just listening for that on ramp to be able to say whether that person is right or wrong about whatever they're telling you. And that's not true. Active listening. And I think that's why some people are so bad at it, because it takes intention to say, I'm going to look you in the eye, I'm going to be present with you and pay attention to what you're saying so that I can respond thoughtfully.

[John Chance]

Yeah. And let's face it, you have to kind of care about what they're saying. Right.

[Dr. Amber Wright]

I think that's relative because you might not, but it's still worth it to pay attention.

[John Chance]

Yeah. Do you want to give a couple examples? Let's. A lot of my listeners are business owners, entrepreneurs, or they work in, you know, team leaders and, you know, things of that nature. What are some examples of the different places, say in a business that, you know, this is important? I mean, we've got customers, some of them are happy, some of them are not so happy. We've got team members, we've got prospects in selling environments. So, you know, is this what you're talking about? Questioning a skill that we ought to bring to every one of those situations?

[Dr. Amber Wright]

Absolutely. You can't solve the client's problem if you're not listening to what they tell you when you ask them the question, what's the biggest challenge you're having right now? And listening intently for the answer. And then that's where we paraphrase and say, well, what I hear you saying is you're struggling with your marketing or your messaging, isn't landing with your potential clients. This is how I can help you with that. So listening is paramount. Just as much as I'm Asking really thoughtful questions is as well.

[John Chance]

Yeah. And I know just in my own selling situation, certainly in my own leadership role with my organization, if I just lecture, people check out pretty fast. And so certainly questioning is a way to keep engagement, keep attention, too, isn't it? I mean, we all. It's almost like in school, like, if you think the teacher's going to call on you, you're going to pay more attention. Right. But I think people, People love to be asked, you know, even if the, Even if all they're doing is repeating back what you said. I mean, how much of that is a. Is almost a tactic in some ways to keep people engaged.

[Dr. Amber Wright]

It's a lot of it is. And I think that's why it's important for us to be thoughtful about how we show up and how we engage. You mentioned earlier the example of how we say things like, how are you doing? Even though that's technically a question, we use it as a punctuation statement. I don't answer. My answer to that is, I'm good, thank you. Because I want to pause and say, do I really want to ask this person how they're doing if I know that I don't have time to actually listen? And that helps me to kind of slow down enough to be thoughtful about that. And that's what I think that can be of service to us as business owners and entrepreneurs. Again, are we asking thoughtful questions and are we listening intently for the responses?

[John Chance]

How, how much awareness, maybe is the right word. But I know sometimes people, they're clearly, they've clearly listened to you or had coaching from you. So they're asking me questions, but I don't know them well enough to feel like that's a question I should answer to you. You know, like somebody before I meet them or even on LinkedIn, you know, will say, what are you most excited about, you know, this year in your business? And I'm like, I don't even know who you are. Yeah, that seems like too far of a reach. So, you know, how do you kind of meter out, like, what's an appropriate question given the level of our relationship?

[Dr. Amber Wright]

That I think comes down to being able to just keep your finger on the pulse of the environment. You know, that's such thing as reading the room and gauging it. Right. If I'm at a networking event or if I'm at a conference, I'm meeting somebody for the first time, I'm not going to tell them my whole life story. I mean, some people do, but, you know, I'M going to be thoughtful and going to be mindful. So I use what I call thoughtful curiosity, and that is to inquire without being intrusive. And that takes. It goes back to that big I word of intention that takes me thinking about, like, all right, if I'm going to this event, how do I want to show up and how do I want to engage with people? And then let that inform the types of questions that you ask. So, for example, if you're meeting someone for the first time, instead of just the so what do you do? You can say, what inspires you about your work? Yeah, it's a more thoughtful question, but it's not intrusive and it's a better question. Just, no, so what do you do? Right. So. So it's that kind of intention that I'm speaking of.

[Testimonial Speaker]

I was like this. I found it. I found it. This is what I've been looking for, I can honestly say has genuinely changed the way I run my business. It's changed the results that I'm seeing. It's changed my engagement with clients. It's changed my engagement with the team. I couldn't be happier. Honestly. It's the best investment I ever made.

[Duct Tape Marketing Ad Speaker]

What you just heard was a testimonial from a recent graduate of the Duct Tape Marketing Certification intensive program for fractional CMOs, marketing agencies and consultants just like them. You can choose our system to move from vendor to trusted advisor, attract only ideal clients, and confidently present your strategies to build monthly recurring revenue. Visit DTM World Scale to book your free advisory call and learn more. It's time to transform your approach. Book your call today. DTM World slash scale.

[John Chance]

All right, so let's say your intention is awesome. And you ask a question like that, and it really goes to, like, a dark or negative place, you know, right off the bat and you're like, wow, I would. I really wasn't trying to go there. How do you handle situations that kind of go off, you know, where you were intending to go?

[Dr. Amber Wright]

That goes back to being just a good human. I think if someone responds and they're.

[John Chance]

Just like, well, we're done here.

[Dr. Amber Wright]

That's if that's like, well, I threw my back out, my wife left me, I'm having a bad day. No, I'm sorry to hear that today's not going well for you. I hope that it gets better and then you let it go.

[John Chance]

Okay, so there's. We're talking about asking questions to others. I do a lot of meditation practice and, you know, a lot of the teachings around meditation or getting kind of the questions we ask ourselves, you know, out of the way, or at least, you know, not holding us back. How do we frame questions we ask ourselves in a way that are going to be the right questions?

[Dr. Amber Wright]

I love that you asked that question, John. It's one of my favorite things to do to talk about because I say so often we focus on interpersonal communication. We don't think enough about intrapersonal communication. So the number one relationship that you have in this one, this world is the one that you have with yourself. So these same principles apply to how we talk to ourselves. I don't meditate heavily, but I'm a journaler and that's my opportunity to say, what's going on, girl? How are you really feeling about such things or about whatever is going on in your life? What do you want to do about it? What are you thinking about it? And just again, it's another invitation for reflection so that I can grow in my self awareness. So I love communicating with myself and I talk out loud that, you know, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I talk out loud. And I think that all of those things are in service to us getting to know ourselves better, which informs the way that we show up in the world.

[John Chance]

So. So let's stay on that track a little bit. I mean, some of the questions that I think we ask ourselves that, you know, they're sometimes deeply rooted in whatever, what all of our stories have been, right? And some of those really are limiting, you know, that, that come from limiting beliefs. How do we, let's say we're saying, you know, I want to stop doing that, I want to get out of that. You know, are there questions or are there practices that we can use to challenge our own limitations?

[Dr. Amber Wright]

Oh, wow, that's an excellent question, John. I think, comma really is the answer to that. And what I mean by that is, what's my issue? Really? Yeah, how am I feeling really? That's when we can dig a little deeper and get to the true heart of the matter. And a question that was very helpful to me, that I listened, I heard in a book that I listened to last year, the author said, when it comes to defining or deciding what your true wants are, she says to ask yourself, if I knew that it would work out and I knew nobody would be mad at me, what would I want then? Wow, it was such a powerful tool to get me to reflect. So that's when you can get as honest as you can, because you're the one that has to live with your.

[John Chance]

Truth, but Mom's going to get mad at me. That's what I'm thinking. That's what's holding us back. Right. All right, so let's go back to teams again. Sometimes teams are made up of people that have vastly different personalities. So are there ways to like some people? Man, you come in, you ask them the most direct question you, and they're all about it. And then there are definitely other people that are like, no, we got to go through about eight layers of this, you know, before we're going to get anywhere deep. Right. So how do you. How do you approach those situations where you've really got vastly different personalities that, you know, need to communicate?

[Dr. Amber Wright]

This is why I love, again, personality assessments. I'm a certified Myers Briggs practitioner, for example, and we use those tools because if I'm onboarded to your team and I'm working at Duct Tape Marketing, now we're sitting down, we're having this meeting, and I say, you know, the way that I like to take in information is I need a lot of details. But you, as the CEO are an ideas person. It's helpful for me to know that. I think sometimes on teams, we don't spend enough time talking about our individual selves and our individual approaches to the way that we work. And then we end up with some misunderstandings, miscommunications, challenges, conflicts. Because I'm taking it personally that John is a big ideas person, and he doesn't give me the details that I need in order for me to feel secure to do my job. So I think carving out spaces for us to actually say, what is your communication style? What is your conflict style? What is your leadership style? And being able to talk about that, I think can then empower and equip teams to work more efficiently enough time doing it.

[John Chance]

Do you think people know the answers to that? Like, if you ask me, what's my conflict style? I don't know. Do I know? It's usually like to run, but also you're an avoider.

[Dr. Amber Wright]

Avoiding competing, collaborating, compromising and accommodating. My avoiders are my runners.

[John Chance]

Yeah, actually, I've gotten much better about that. But so. So let's talk about conflict for a minute. I mean, are there particular. I mean, in situations where, you know, sometimes there's emotions involved, but sometimes there's just really deeply not agreeing opinions. For example, tomorrow depend on those review when you're listening to this, tomorrow's election day in the United States, and there seem to be really differing opinions very Strong on different sides. So, you know, is there a way to mitigate conflict or to try to, you know, try to be seen and see, you know, that other person when you have really strong differing opinions.

[Dr. Amber Wright]

Oh man, that's a loaded question. But I think that my answer.

[John Chance]

You don't have to name any names.

[Dr. Amber Wright]

I think when it comes down to. And when it, when we're talking about handling conflict effectively, you know, like a mature grown up is one to consider the other person's perspective. I don't think we do that enough. And taking a moment to think about like if I'm this person or I'm in their shoes, can I see things from where they're coming from? 1, 2, having the wherewithal to name what the issue actually is. Because sometimes we can't. We, we get caught up in the sparks of conflict and that draws us away from the actual issue.

[John Chance]

Right, right.

[Dr. Amber Wright]

And if we can stay focused on what the issue actually is and name it and frame it in such a way, we use this device called I statements to say I felt this way when you did X thing. It's less about the behavior of the person themselves, but really about how you reacted to the choice that they made. That allows for more fruitful conversation. But we've got to tamp all of the sparks down a little bit so that we can get to the heart of the matter and actually resolve the thing. But we're so impatient. We want to yell, we want to argue, we want to be right. Those are my computers in conflict. Someone's going to lose and it's not going to be me. Right. So understanding that there's such thing as time, place and manner for everything, but just kind of also then making a point to say I didn't really enjoy what happened in the meeting the other day. Things got heated. Can we circle back and come back to this tomorrow at 2:00 and have a discussion about it when we've been able to both think about our differing perspectives. But you know, that takes more effort than sometimes we have the time to.

[John Chance]

So you're saying name calling is like off the table.

[Dr. Amber Wright]

You know, you write that in your journal, write the name code. That's where you can tell yourself the whole truth. Just for you and you alone.

[John Chance]

All right, so I'm going to put you on the spot. What is your favorite question to ask somebody, particularly maybe somebody you're just meeting for the first time?

[Dr. Amber Wright]

It's the question that I used earlier. What's the best part of what's been the best part of your day today because you're going to get a different answer every time. So I'm going to ask you that if I can. What's been the best part of your day today, John?

[John Chance]

You know, I live in the mountains and we got about 8 inches of snow last night. Wow. And I just think that, well, it's pretty magical to wake up and have 8 inches of snow. If unless you just really don't like it there.

[Dr. Amber Wright]

You have that. I love that. And that then is going to compel me to ask you more questions like.

[John Chance]

That's right.

[Dr. Amber Wright]

You know, how do you manage it?

[John Chance]

I've invited you now, right? Instead of me prying. Instead of you prying, Absolutely. Well, Amber, it was awesome having you. Take a few moments to stop by the duct tape marketing podcast. Is there someplace you'd invite people to connect with you and learn more about your work?

[Dr. Amber Wright]

Absolutely. The hub of all things, Dr. Amber Wright, is wordswellsaid.com I'm also active on LinkedIn. If you search for my full name, Dr. Amber Wright, you'll see me there. My little pink sweater. So definitely connect with me there. And I've had such a good time talking with you today. Awesome.

[John Chance]

Well, again, I appreciate you taking a few moments and maybe we'll run into you one of these days out there on the road.

[Dr. Amber Wright]

Nothing. Snow.

[John Chance]

It's not everyone's cup of tea, that's for sure.