← THE ED MYLETT SHOW
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- [00:00]
Jamie Kern Lima
This episode is brought to you by Facebook. So you were scrolling on Marketplace and there it was, the bike you'd been searching for. You sent a message and it turned out the seller was super chatty, kind of funny, and an avid cyclist. The next thing you know, you're in a cycling crew. Well, a community cycling group. The thing about Facebook, you might find more than what you're looking for. From a browse to a bike ride this summer. Find more on Facebook. Morning decisions. How about a creamy mocha Frappuccino drink? Or sweet vanilla smooth caramel maybe? Or white chocolate mocha? Whichever you choose, delicious coffee awaits. Find Starbucks Frappuccino drinks wherever you buy your groceries.
- [00:50]
Ed Mylett
This is the Ed Mylett Show. Hey, everyone.
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Welcome to my weekend special.
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I hope you enjoy the show. Be sure to follow the Ed Mylett
- [00:59]
show on Apple and Spotify.
- [01:01]
Links are in the show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Now, on with the show. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the show. I'm so excited. This week we're gonna get a chance to talk about something that I know is on the minds of so many of you, which is how to increase your self confidence. And you know, there's so many things on social media and in the personal development self help space about how to do that. And I really feel like it's become sort of an echo chamber of the same exact things being said over and over again. But for the last 30 years of my life, this has been a core topic for me to create new and innovative content on because I needed it so much myself. And so as we dive into this conversation, I just realized something. I'm with you on this. I struggle with self confidence a better part of my entire life until I really started to work on these tools and resources that I'm going to share with you here briefly today. And so it became out of a necessity for me and it's changed my life. It's changed the internal part of my life. And obviously the external things I've achieved in my life are directly correlated to the confidence level that I believe in myself, that I can do it. Because in our lives, our external results are never going to exceed our internal identity. We're never going to consistently do more than we believe we're worth or that we deserve. And I know you deserve the best in your life. You deserve more. You deserve abundance, you deserve increase. And I think my conversation today with my friend Brendon Bouchard that you'll hear here is going to give you some insights and Some ideas and just some tactics that maybe you've not heard phrased the way that we phrase it here today.
- [02:31]
Brendon Burchard
Ed, good seeing you, brother.
- [02:33]
Ed Mylett
Love you, brother. Good to be with you. Brennan.
- [02:36]
Brendon Burchard
Man, I'm so excited to be talking about personal development with you, because every time I do, I get fired up. And if I think of something you're known for, especially when we see you on stage or you're on your podcast, you have a certain kind of confidence and energy and presence that I think draws people in, but also builds that kind of trust and assurance that you kind of have it, you know, And I'm going to guide you. I'm going to help you through this.
- [03:01]
Ed Mylett
You have it, too. We both reflected a little bit differently, but even when we started today, when you came on the camera, I said, I'm instantly smiling when I'm with you, and that's because you radiate that type of confidence as well. So it's such a great topic, because even when I work with athletes, you know, like, when we're done today, I'm working with one of my UFC fighters and people, what do you really work with? Is it their visualizations? Is it. And I do do those things. But if you. Even with the top of the top athletes that I work with, the number one thing they struggle with is their confidence level, and it's building, building it back, gaining the momentum of it again, remembering where it came from initially. And I think one of the reasons so many people, and even myself to some extent, the last couple years, lost a little bit of it, is our promises we were capable of keeping to ourselves were taken from us. So I see self confidence almost like it's a reputation that you have with yourself. And if you have a reputation with yourself where you keep the promises that you make to you, you begin to stack those promises on top of each other. You develop what we call self confidence. When I have not held self confidence, if I look back 90 days or 120 days or even a year, at some point, I stopped keeping the promises I made to myself. And they can be small things like, yeah, what time I get up in the morning, how much water am I going to drink every day? How many contacts am I going to make in my business? How. How many pages of a book am I going to read? And those things seem very small. Even making my bed, they seem very small. But when you start stacking up these little things, like, oh, I do the things I tell myself I'm going to do, and when. When the stuff happened, the Last couple years, our opportunities to deliver on promises we made to ourselves were for the most part taken away from us. The normal routines and habits we had about going to a gym, even as simple as things like that, or even contact in business, going to an office every day. And so these things changed. And then we wake up 90 days or a year later and we go, I don't really feel like I've got what I had before. And so I always go back. Even with the athletes I work with or even myself. Where can I begin to build baseline self confidence? Baseline self confidence is keeping these promises. Superhuman self confidence, no pun intended, is right behind me. If they're watching the video, it's keeping the promises you make to yourself and then doing one more. So if I say I'm going to make 10 contacts in a day, I make my 10, I do it one more. Now I've not just kept the promises, I've elevated the standard. Because in our life, you know this, I believe we don't get our goals most of the time we. What delivers on our goals are the standards we set. And so the higher the standard, the deeper our self confidence goes. So one of the keys for me has been rebuilding the structures around which I keep the promises I make to me. And the duration in which I do it is causing the depth of the self confidence level that I have. So for me, it starts with basic habits and routines and things that I commit. This may seem really small. My daughter, by the commitments I've made to myself is I will talk to my daughter every day she's away at Clemson in college. You think, what does this have to do with business? It has everything to do. Because I'm a really busy dude, it's easy for me to just text her. I actually call her, hey, Bella, Boo, it's daddy. I did it this morning, except now I do it and I do it one more time a day. Now I'm like a superhuman confident dad because how many dads are doing that? Right? And I also, and I'm going to let you jump in because I'm curious for you. I actually believe there's a part of us that goes, I'm getting what I deserve. I'm getting what I deserve. The external results I'm producing have a lot to do with internally what I believe I'm worth and what I believe I deserve. And if you're like me, I don't naturally have a proclivity to believe I'm worth a lot. I wasn't raised with a bunch of Praise and belief being poured into me. I'm very self critical when I make a mistake on my own. Worst critic. Even to this day, I have to really battle that. And even when I'm winning, sometimes candidly, I'll be vulnerable. Is this a fluke? You know, like, am I fooling everybody right now? And so this stuff we're talking about has been fundamental in my life to changing my life is me believing, man, I'm doing things most people aren't willing to do. I deserve to get stuff most people are going to end up getting. And so for me, it's the, it's the beginning of keeping those promises you make to yourself. And then I've got some other stuff too, when we come back to it. But do you relate to that? Is that part of your recipe too?
- [07:22]
Brendon Burchard
Thousand percent, thousand. And I think researchers feel, define that like they might use other language. They might be, hey, that's keeping personal commitment. Same thing. Hey, that's integrity, that's self trust. And the language I use for that, that's just congruence. Yeah, I say I'm going to do it, I do it. I was congruent.
- [07:41]
Ed Mylett
Yes.
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Brendon Burchard
If I say I'm going to do it and I don't do it, I break that congruence. And the more breaks then the more breaks in my psyche, the more breaks in my identity, the more breaks in my rhythm.
- [07:53]
Ed Mylett
And I a million percent agree with you on that. There is a rhythm, you know, some might call it a vibrational frequency or a rhythm to success. There's a rhythm to confidence. And when you're in that rhythm, the words flow a little bit different.
- [08:05]
Brendon Burchard
Yes.
- [08:06]
Ed Mylett
Places and things flow to you a little bit differently and you have a rapport with yourself and with other people when you're in that rhythm. It's funny that you say it because my son had to take a bunch of time off from golf. He had a knee injury and he lost that confidence and that rhythm. And even myself, when I've lost it, it's almost like. And you can be so close to the way you were before, but it's just not what it was. It's almost like you ever be in a wedding and you watch that dude and he's got the moves right, but he's dancing to the lyrics, not the beat of the music. So it's just, oh, that's me. Yeah, well, that's just what I've heard. Okay. But it's that lack. And that's why you can say, man, I'm saying the same Things I was saying six months ago, but I'm not producing the same result. It's. That rhythm is off. You're. You're dancing to the lyric, not the beat of the music. And there's a beat to it. And I think you're a million percent right about that, Brennan. And I think once you find that groove, it's like, you know, momentum is a magnifier. Momentum is a rhythm. Momentum can take a person who's pretty average and ordinary like me, and you start getting enough momentum on enough rhythm, you're like, whoa. You have these superhuman things. You begin to achieve. What's important about what you're also saying is that here's what's really important. Both of us are saying this is an internal game. It's not contingent on the external praise or even producing the result to generate confidence. In other words, the game I've set up isn't outcome driven, it's process driven.
- [09:38]
Brendon Burchard
Did you engage the process today as a win?
- [09:41]
Ed Mylett
Yes. For me, it's like all I can control is I can control my attitude, my activity. Everybody knows that. But I'm linking that to my confidence, not the production of the result. If your confidence is constantly contingent on the result, you'll be chasing your tail. Most of the time, you'll be chasing your tail. So it's an internal game. It's also not. I don't need the affirmation of another person to get self confidence. Self confidence means it has to do with one's self. I'll give you another big key for me, and this really flipped things. I've talked to you about these conversations I had with Wayne Dyer, and a lot of times, my confidence is not even predicated on my ability because there may be somebody smarter than me or better than me, a better speaker, a better marketer, a better whatever. So when I walk into. Even today, I'm confident today. Let me tell you why. I give myself credit for my intentions. So my confidence I've linked to my intent to serve, my intent to do good, and not necessarily my ability to. So even when I speak, I mean, I Pretty good speaker, right? But it's. I'm not out there going, I'm the world's greatest speaker. My confidence comes from. I've prepared, I've kept the promises I made to myself and my intentions.
- [10:53]
Brendon Burchard
Yes.
- [10:53]
Ed Mylett
Not enough precious human beings say, I'm a good woman, I'm a good man, I deserve to be successful. I'm. I'm walking into this business meeting and I intend to do good I intend to help these people. I should be confident.
- [11:10]
Brendon Burchard
Yes.
- [11:10]
Ed Mylett
They think they've conflated go, no, no. But I'm not as good as I need to be. That's not where your confidence should be linked to or even the outcome. Link it to your intentions because that's something you know to be true about you. I could always go back, Brendan. No matter where I am in the world, no matter what I'm doing, the one thing I do believe about me is, is I'm a good man. I intend to serve, I intend to contribute. Yes, I generate a tremendous amount of confidence in my intentions, not necessarily my ability or the result. And I think this is something that's never taught in the self confidence world.
- [11:44]
Brendon Burchard
Yep.
- [11:45]
Ed Mylett
That listen, your intent matters. You should generate tremendous strength from your intentions. Yet most good people just sort of, they, they slough it off. They don't give themselves any credit for their intent. In other words, this doesn't they think, oh, everybody intends to serve, everybody's good.
- [12:02]
Brendon Burchard
Nah.
- [12:03]
Ed Mylett
Right, not so fast.
- [12:04]
Brendon Burchard
And worse, you lose it, you lose it sometimes meaning people lose the, the, the time or the practice of setting the intention. So even if they are good, they don't even set the intention so they can't give themselves credit for it. So you'll love this little psychological trick. We call it a doorway trigger. Doorway trigger is anytime you enter a doorway, you say something to yourself. So mine is when I walk through a door, I always say I enter this room a happy man, ready to serve.
- [12:35]
Ed Mylett
By the way, the trigger thing is huge. We should talk a little bit more about that too. But because you can make deposits when you are confident that you can make withdrawals from later. So let's talk about that in a second. But like for example, this fighter that I'm going to work with later today, she has a very major fight coming up. And one of the things, I just want her to have a simple self talk that gives her confidence. And actually we've been working on it now for three months leading up to this fight. And here's what it is. I find a way to win, I find a way to win, I find a way to win. And I make her repeat it to me with different emphasis. So she'll say things like, I find a way to win, I find a way to win. She'll say, I find a way to win. Then other time I find a way to win. And we emphasize this over and over and over. It becomes like an embedded command if anybody knows any NLP stuff. Right. But it's just self talk that's repeated over and over again. And it's funny how the mind works. We're going to repeat this over and over again. It becomes a believable belief and our mind moves towards what we're most familiar with. So if we're familiar with that thought, I tell you right now in this fight, when it gets down to crunch time and she's in that what I they call it deep water. When she's taken out to the deep water, she might be getting submitted, she's tired and she's going to come back to this. I find a way to win and I believe what we believe to be most true, we end up producing long term in our life. I just hope it shows up in the fight.
- [14:01]
Brendon Burchard
Right.
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Ed Mylett
But you're exactly right with the self talk. I'm curious, do you do anything Because I do. When you to anchor a state, when you have confidence so that you can make the withdrawal later, do you do that like when you're really feeling it, do you do anything to create that trigger, that anchor?
- [14:17]
Brendon Burchard
Yeah. Mine's dorky and self reflective. Like when I capture, I go oh, I got it. And I'd write it down and I tell myself write it down and go. Because I know I'll forget that state or that moment or even if I do myself physically anchoring, you know, 10 minutes later, the emotion's gone. So I want to know what was the aha. What was the breakthrough? Oh, I got it and I write it down. So it's almost like a reward or a celebration or refraction. And to me I have to write it down partially because I had a brain injury way back in the day. So my memory and my cues aren't as easy to reflect. Like consciously I remember it, I have to write it down. The other thing I just want to say and reflect that coaching you're giving her is so great because I've always defined confidence as the belief in one's ability to figure things out. My confidence is I believe I can figure this out. Which is another way of saying I will find a way. It's literally the same thing. Right. I will find a way to win is I believe I can figure this out. I like yours better because a deeper level commitment and adding the win to it, I think that's so important. But you mentioned you have something that you do.
- [15:27]
Ed Mylett
Well, when I really feel. When I really feel something. This is maybe a little bit technical but I think it's worth sharing for those that want to experience it. What I'm feeling. I think we. I think confidence is an emotion also.
- [15:41]
Tom Papa
Right.
- [15:41]
Ed Mylett
So it's not only a thought, it's only a state of being, but it's an emotion. And there is a neurochemistry to all of our emotions. And so when I am feeling particularly confident, this is just what most people don't ever do in their life. They don't take advantage of states they find themselves in so they can go back to them later. To your point about the trigger and the anchor. So when I am in a state of achievement, let's just say, or confidence, I like to just do something very simple physically that anchors that state in my body. It's not really dramatic either. It's kind of naughty and dirty and dorky also. But for example, if I'm on the stage and I'm just. It's being crushed, or I'm just feeling the flow in a podcast, or I'm in a beautiful moment with my daughter where I'm feeling particularly confident as a father, whatever it is. My daughter, this morning, when I called, she called me back, Brennan, she's like, she had a major test today. Her and her roommate called, say, dad, they're going to the test, dad. We need words of wisdom. We need some motivation. My daughter. And by the way, it's bizarre to me at this stage of my life, bro, that my daughter now seeks this from me because I got eye rolls her entire teenage years when I'm giving her these same docs. Right.
- [16:48]
Brendon Burchard
Circle of life right there. Absolutely.
- [16:50]
Ed Mylett
So. So I started out, and what I. She caught me off guard.
- [16:53]
So the first thing I said was
- [16:54]
like, okay, dad, thanks. You know, it was like. But then I kind of crushed a couple other recommendations that I gave her.
- [16:59]
Ryan Serhant
Right.
- [17:00]
Ed Mylett
And I, when we were done, I'm like, that was a good dad moment right there. I crushed that as a dad. And so when I'm feeling a particular level of confidence, I'll anchor it with just some type of physical move. So, like, it might be. For me, it's a lot. It's like a finger snap. I'm on stage, I'm crushing. Boom. And what I'm doing is I'm depositing that confident state into my neurochemistry.
- [17:20]
Brendon Burchard
Yes.
- [17:20]
Ed Mylett
I'm making a deposit. And so when I'm feeling it, I deposit it with my athletes. You just hit a home run. You better when you're running around those bases. Give me the finger snap or slap your chest or pull on your ear or tug on the helmet. You better anchor this amazing state. Now it's anchored. And the more we repeatedly do the same physical, simple move in a particular state. Those are deposits. Then when I need to make a withdrawal and I'm feeling a bit insecure when I'm about to walk out on stage, bam, finger snap. Puts my neurochemistry back in that state again. You can even tell as I'm saying this to you now, my energy levels change.
- [17:55]
Brendon Burchard
You're opening.
- [17:55]
Ed Mylett
Yeah, I'm opening. And so this, for some people that's too much. But for a lot of people, it's like that's it. When I'm feeling good, do something and do the same thing repeatedly, whatever it might be. That's why you'll watch a lot. You can learn so much from an athlete. You watch an athlete get out of the batter's box and adjust their batting gloves or they tap home plate the same two times.
- [18:15]
Tom Papa
Right.
- [18:15]
Ed Mylett
Or the golfer does the same two practices.
- [18:17]
Brendon Burchard
Pattern of a rhythm.
- [18:18]
Ryan Serhant
Yeah, right.
- [18:18]
Ed Mylett
Or Tom Brady, let's go. Or Peyton Manning. Oh my.
- [18:22]
Brendon Burchard
Ha.
- [18:23]
Ed Mylett
You know, whatever it might be, these are verbal or physical triggers that are from previous self confident peak performance states that they're now calling on now when they need the most.
- [18:34]
Tom Papa
Right.
- [18:34]
Ed Mylett
So that's the sort of the, that's the science part of self confidence. The other stuff is sort of the art form of it. One of the things, hey guys, as a lot of you know, I've been taking Im8 for, you know, a couple years now. I've been talking about it on the show for a long time. Time. Here's what it is. Im8 is the way to simplify your supplement routine once and for all. It's what it's done for me. Sixteen supplements replaced 90 ingredients across nine major organ systems in one drink. IMH Daily Essentials has 16 supplements in that drink, like I said, for 2.61 a day. It was founded by David Beckham and a bunch of other people. It's built by leading doctors and researchers. I feel great on im8. I can't emphasize that enough and I really believe you would as well. So go to im8health.comed right now or click the link in the description and use code ED for a free welcome kit. Five free travel sachets plus 10% off your order. That's code ED@IM8Health.com ED code ED@IM8Health.COM ED these statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, prevent any disease. Guys, I got to tell you about Chime and let me tell you why Chime is changing the way people bank. They offer the most rewarding fee free banking banking. They're not like traditional banks that charge you overdraft and monthly fees. They have thousands of free ATMs. So why do we pay to get our own money?
- [19:54]
It's insane.
- [19:55]
So they don't do that. It was built for you. Chime members can benefit from up to eleven hundred and fifty dollars in annual rewards fee. Free direct deposit unlocks the most rewarding way to bank a chime. Chime is rated five stars by USA Today for customer service. Real humans you deal with by the way, 24 7. So you're not just switching banks, you're upgrading to America's number one choice for banking with a Chime checking account. So I got to tell you, when I was younger I would have loved to have had something like this and I love it now. I would use this and I think you should too. Chime is not smarter banking. It's the most rewarding way to bank. Join the millions who are already banking fee free today. Head to chime.com mylet that is chime.com mylet it only takes a few minutes to sign up. Things that, that I'm still sort of surprised by when I work with people or they come to events is lack of clarity. And, and if I would add on top of that is a lack of specificity. So you know, you say well I want to lose weight, that you're not going to get a lot of self confidence coming from that statement. Specifically what does that mean? Is it amount of, is it pounds, is it body fat, is it a percentage? Clarity is specificity. And so I want to, you know,
- [21:09]
I want to have a good year in business.
- [21:11]
I want to have my best month. What exactly specifically does that mean? So that when you look at that board, it's, there's specificity all over it. I almost think sometimes that building the muscle of setting specific outcomes and specific visual things is something people need to work on for whatever reason. Of all the things I'm not good at, that has never been a struggle of mine. I've never been vague. I've always really been very specific because I want to know whether I hit it or not. But that's what creates clarity. It's like if I'm looking at a golf hole, like we're talking about golf earlier, you and I off camera. If I, you know, I'm an average player. So what I'm really trying to do, I was just talking about this this weekend in a golf tournament, I'm trying to hit it on the green, which is a big old 60 foot green, right?
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Brendon Burchard
Yeah.
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Ed Mylett
And that's why I'm an amateur and that's why I lack confidence.
- [21:59]
Brendon Burchard
Yes.
- [22:00]
Ed Mylett
The truth is a professional player is trying to hit it to a spot on the green that's about 6 inches wide.
- [22:06]
Jamie Kern Lima
Right?
- [22:07]
Brendon Burchard
Right.
- [22:07]
Ed Mylett
And that specificity creates clarity for them in the shot and target are better than me because the target is so specific.
- [22:18]
Brendon Burchard
Yes.
- [22:18]
Ed Mylett
Even if they were to miss, they're going to be much closer than me because they were so much more specific in their focus than I was with my wide focus or lack of folk. Some people that are worse than me at golf aren't even trying to hit the green. They're just trying to hit the ball. Right. And that's, and that's a metaphor for life. And so you're 100%. And one of the things that also creates clarity is this notion that I've been here before. Meaning you are like, take a speech. You're exactly right. And I know you're one of the greats of all time. You've walked out there in your mind before. You've gone there. You walked out for this podcast before you've gone there. You, you, you project yourself into that space and see it happening to the point even when I was in, when I'm selling, I even picture them hugging me at the end and thanking me. It's that level of specificity. It's that level of so that when I get there and that that rhythm starts to happen. It's familiar. See, I don't want to end up in if I can help it. I want to minimize the unfamiliar. And so if I projected, I prepared, I projected. A lot of my self confidence comes from the fact that I prepared and I've been there in my mind. I've been there before. So you're ex. That helps create clarity for me. And I'll give you one more thing to kick around. You know, it's, it's surprising to me no matter what your faith is. So if you're a Christian or a Muslim or Jew or Hindu or you practice Buddhism or maybe you believe like I do and I'm a Christian. But also I believe in energy. I believe in the quantum. Right?
- [23:54]
Tom Papa
Yeah.
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Ed Mylett
And people say to me, I believe there's an all powerful source or I'm a follower of Jesus. And it's interesting to me, whatever their belief system is, that they don't derive any self confidence personally from it.
- [24:07]
Brendon Burchard
Interesting.
- [24:07]
Tom Papa
Right?
- [24:07]
Ed Mylett
Why would you not link your faith, whatever faith it is you practice to your confidence? Like as a Christian, you're a Christian, like I'm the son of the king of kings. His DNA is running through my veins. Why in the world would that not give me some dadgum confidence?
- [24:23]
Brendon Burchard
Right?
- [24:24]
Ed Mylett
The quantum and you can plug into an all knowing knowledge field, shouldn't you get a little confidence from that? So it's interesting to me how people go, well, I have a lot of faith. I'm in the synagogue or the mosque or I'm at church on Sunday, but somehow Monday morning when business starts, I'm alone now, right, you're alone now. You're not alone now. Your faith tells you, it informs you otherwise. You start having the combination of anchors and triggers, keeping the promises you make to yourself, your intentions, your clarity, all these things we're talking about, and then you stack on top of that. I have a faith in something bigger than me that's with me all the time. I ought to have some boldness and confidence solely stemming from that. So, so many of you that have faith, why are you checking that at the door? When it comes to your relationships, your body, your business, your money, that should be centerpiece of your self confidence, should be the most important piece of your self confidence. And I know it is for you.
- [25:18]
Brendon Burchard
I love it. My favorite words in my faith in terms of Christianity is he precedes me. It's like he precedes me. Like, this has already worked out. Yes, somebody already worked it out. Now I need to find my way through. I need to figure out a way to win. I need to, you know, hopefully figure it out. But where it's going to go, I have trust.
- [25:42]
Ed Mylett
Since we're being completely real, you know, Mike, people that see me speaks backstage, like, so I saw you do your move where you're snapping your fingers, but what's the last thing you'll see me do? I actually get on my knees and I pray very quickly because that's where my real confidence comes from. It's the, it's, you know, here's what it's done for me. I've never said this to somebody and maybe you and I can kick this around the last few minutes. I think also we put a pressure on ourselves, like, am I going to make the right decision or the wrong one? Am I going to say the right thing or the wrong thing? And I have found in my life, and I have this rooted in my belief system, that when I've come to a place where I have to Yield or make a decision. I don't necessarily think most of the time now there is right and wrong in life. We all know that. I'm not talking about ethics or morals. I'm not referring to that. I'm talking about if something goes one way or the other, I've really built this belief system that I'll make either one work. So if I decide this way and I might be wrong, I'll find a way to make that work. And if I go that way and I was going to be right, I'll make that one work. There's this notion that's sort of put into us when we're children, like good or bad, right or wrong. And we start feeling this pressure, like, what if I don't say the right thing? What if I don't do the right thing? The truth is, in life, most of the time, that path, that journey, both can lead to list, both can lead to success. It might be a different path. It might not be, to your point, on your schedule, it might be on God's schedule. And if you have a God that's a pro that created the entire universe, you're probably going to be okay no matter which turn you take. Yes. And that gives you a confidence to go. I'm going to call the shot with the most information, with the, with the best of my ability. But I'm going to make either one of these work. That's real confidence.
- [27:28]
Brendon Burchard
Oh, I love it. I'm going to make either one of these works because the truth is, whichever one you take, path A or B, turns out good or bad. Most people go, well, one's going to be good, one's going to be catastrophic, and it's going to be terrible.
- [27:40]
Ed Mylett
Right?
- [27:41]
Brendon Burchard
And I go, well, the truth is, right or wrong, the next step actually is exactly the same. If you fail, the next step demands that you summon the best of who you are to handle it. If you win, guess what? The next step is going to demand that you summon the best of who you are no matter what. So I always tell people, you want confidence. It's easy. Know your job. You have one job every day. Summon the best of who you are to really work life and at the same time trust life or God. I think is one of the ultimate secrets of the most successful people I've ever met.
- [28:16]
Ed Mylett
I a million percent agree. And I think actually today's conversation is sort of evidence of everything we've said. We both set out with an intention to serve today. There's been this incredible rhythm between the different Things that we've, you know, said here together. And if I'd add one last thing to it, it's also that you could take on an identity of yourself, too, which is that I'm kind of a learner. Like, I'm curious. I was curious where this was going to go today. And I learned. And when I come to these decisions or these experiences, I'm going to have, you know, at a minimum, I'm going to learn something about myself, about how to do it better. You know, even with an athlete. I keep going back to these examples, but, like, I'll tell them that at bat, yeah, you grounded out, but you learned. This guy's curveball does this. You look so the next at bat, you're more prepared for what he's going to bring to you. This notion of, I'm learning, I don't know, for me, it reduces the pressure, it increases the curiosity, and it also. I'm almost always winning if I'm learning. Yes, I'm almost always winning if I'm learning. And so I've sort of adopted in my life this notion that I'm curious and I'm going to learn. It's going to be an experience. I'm going to learn. I found that I actually produced the outcome that I actually had on my board, to your point, for clarity, far more regularly when I'm not so addicted to the outcome and everything I want to do. Because addiction to outcome can rob you of confidence. But when I am committed to the process that you've described earlier, and also this notion that I'm going to gather a better me at the other side of this because I will have learned something about me, the circumstances, the environment, how to do it better the next time, whatever that might be. Get a lot of confidence when I approach things that way. Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Don't forget to follow the show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Now, onto our next guest. Welcome back to the program, everybody. I have such a remarkable woman on my show today. I've been a fan of hers from a distance for a long time. We have a bunch of mutual friends who rave about her. I knew her story. You're going to hear it today. You're going to hear about her new book, Believe it, which is awesome, but you're just going to be so inspired. And why? Well, she used to work at Denny's, which I love. She also bagged groceries at Safeway, which I did and so that's why I'm having her on the show. No, I'm just kidding. After she did all that, she went and built a cosmetics company that she sold for a billion $200 million. That's all she did. She's just changed thousands of people's lives with her products. After working at a swap meet, after bagging groceries at Safeway. And by the way, she's on Forbes list every year of America's most rich, successful women. And she's the youngest on that list. She's ranked the youngest by only two people. Some lady named Taylor Swift, another one named Beyonce, and then my guest today, Jamie Kern Lima. So thank you for being here today. So glad you're here.
- [31:19]
Jamie Kern Lima
Thank you so much. I'm so excited.
- [31:21]
Ed Mylett
So everyone listen so closely to this woman who sold her company for a billion dollars. Plus. So here we go. Take us to the moment.
- [31:29]
Jamie Kern Lima
So, yeah. And one of the biggest lessons in my whole life came down to this moment where we finally got a shot on qvc, right? And so, you know, we had heard no from them for a couple years, and even Ed, I got their head guy named Alan Burke, who built this billion dollar division in QVC of beauty. And he's a legend, like an icon. After two years of no's from them, I finally got him on the phone and I thought, oh, my gosh, if he's giving me a few seconds of his time, like, this is good, like, it's going to be a yes. Finally. And I'll never forget on the phone, he says to me, you know, we've reviewed your products with. With our whole buying team, and it's unanimous. You're not the right fit for QVC or for our customers. And so instantly I go into like, oh, but I am the right fit. Let me tell you why. And I start, like, poor, like, pitching my heart out, right? And he thanked me, thanked me for loving qvc. And it was a no. So that was like, one of the most memorable nights because I spent. I don't know if you've ever had, you know, bad news in business or something like that. And you wake up the next morning and you're like, oh, fuck. It's like you hoped it was a dream and it wasn't, right. It was like that for three days in a row. I just knew in my gut we're supposed to be on qvc. And it's so. And I knew for years because I thought, ed, oh my gosh, I can go live. And unlike all those ads I've seen my whole life that I don't even know if they're real. Like, let me show real women. Like my mom and my friends and my, like, let me show real women. And I believed it. And yet everyone kept me telling, telling me no. And finally to get Alan Burke on the phone and hear, literally, I'm not the right fit. When you hear those words, it sucks, right? And by the way, like, anyone who's ever been told they're not enough and is tempted to believe it is why I wrote this book. Because there's a lot of people that work really, really hard, and there's a lot of people that still don't quit. They keep going. But, like, making that decision to believe that you can and that your dream's possible, for me, that's huge. And I just, like, made the decision. Believe it. And I kept. And every time I got rejected, whether it was from Alan Burke at QVC or any of the retailers for year after year after year, like, I would still approach them as if it was gonna be a yes and send them sales updates and send them product launches. And they're like, who the F is? And I'd keep. Like, I just made that decision. So three years into this, we finally got this yes on qvc. And what happened with this yes. And this one shot is literally one of the single greatest lessons I've ever learned in life and in business. So it, you know.
- [33:59]
Ed Mylett
So what happens when your dunking stops being a one night contest and becomes a professional sport? This is Dunk man.
- [34:05]
Presented by Shaquille O'.
- [34:07]
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- [36:02]
Jamie Kern Lima
one chance to sell our product in this 10 minute window live on QVC. And you know, for anyone unfamiliar with QVC who might be listening, it's a live television show and it's broadcast to 100 million homes. There's no script, no teleprompter. And what I learned, Ed, right before I went on is that you're given 10 minutes in the case of the segment I got. But that's not a guarantee, right? If you go live and let's say a minute or two in, you're not hitting the sales goals, your clock cuts live. So you might be a minute or two in thinking you have eight minutes left and you're not doing well, boom, you're down to one minute. And you know, you can calculate in your head how much money you just lost and what that means. So we get one shot, we get a yes. And this is like huge, right? Because I knew, I knew in my gut, like this is supposed to happen. And I'm going to show real women alive. I'm going to shift culture and beauty. Like I knew it. And here's what happened. We got a purchase order and I quickly learned, oh, we were only selling two to three orders a day on our website, right? Packing them from our living room, just trying to survive down to no money. Well, for a 10 minute window at QVC, we had to sell over 6,000 units of our concealer to hit their sales goal or not come back and their consignment in beauty. So what it meant was if we didn't hit those numbers, we didn't sell in that 10 minute window. Everything that we didn't sell got shipped back to us and we weren't paid for it.
- [37:32]
Ryan Serhant
So.
- [37:33]
Jamie Kern Lima
And you know, you should never accept a purchase order. You can't afford to lose. But in this case, it was like we didn't know how we're going to make it either way. So I thought, okay, this is our one shot. This is going to like be life changing, right? So we hired these third party consultants that are amazing and they're experts and they help a lot of people sell on television and in retail stores. And you know, we worked with them on, okay, how do we produce our 10 minute window. And the craziest thing happened right? When we know what we stand for and we think that we're going to stand for it when it comes down to everything on the line, but then someone else tells you that that's not going to work. It's really hard not to question our own values and not to question our own intuition. These experts told me, you know, in order to succeed, here's what you need to do. You need to use this type of model. And it was, it was the perfect flawless skin. The models I'd always seen in TV ads and I would say to them, like, well, but that's actually not why I created this, this brand, like, like. And I would tell them, you know, imagine if you're 70 years old sitting at home and you see someone you can't even relate to that doesn't look like you. How do you know the product's going to work for you? Or you know, I have rosacea or 70% of people have hyperpigmentation if they don't see someone that looks like them. And we would get into it and argue and fight and they wanted, they wanted me to win, like, but they were literally giving me the very best advice through the lens of their own experience. And the thing, the thing that I wish I knew, that I know now, but this would have saved me so many nights crying myself to sleep. Is sometimes even experts, even the people that are touted visionaries, right? And they really are, and they would never admit this, but they still often can't imagine in their subconscious something succeeding if they haven't seen proof that it has before, right? And that would have made the rejection sting a lot less. Because if you're doing anything authentically, anything that hasn't been done before anything differently. People often can't even imagine it succeeding because of their own right. And so all of them told me to do it. And they're like, listen. And we would fight. We got into it and they're like, we want you to win. So I was in this moment where I flew out to QVC in Pennsylvania a week early before this one shot on live TV to either, you know, hit their sales goals or basically go out of business. And I went all alone and sat in this rental car and in the QVC parking lot because it literally felt so heavy. Like I knew what my gut was telling me to do. But in that moment, I hadn't seen any proof that it was right. No proof in the form of sales anywhere. I mean, we're doing two to three orders a day for three years in no other retailer saying, yes. Everyone telling me, you're not this enough or that enough. And. But those moments in life where we still have that knowing it is so easy to doubt it and it is so easy to think we are wrong and to not trust it anymore. And I sat in this rental car praying and crying and literally asking God to take this from me because it felt so heavy. I felt like everything came down in this moment. Honestly, I was tempted to go against my own gut. I was like, ok, well, maybe if I listen to what they are saying, right? Yeah, like, maybe I will do that and I will do really well for a while, then I will try it my way. And I just sat in that car and it didn't feel right. And I just kept praying about it. And I would imagine, like, who my customer was on the other end. And for some reason, I don't know why, I kept imagining this single mom in Nebraska who was, like, folding laundry and way too busy to remember that she mattered and that she's beautiful. And I just had this moment. I'll never forget the rest of my life in that car, that rental car, where I was like. It was just like. It hit me like a ton of bricks where I was like, you know what? I would rather go on live television if she's going to give me two seconds of her precious time and look up at her TV screen like I would rather her see me up there showing real women who look like her, calling them beautiful and meaning it, and have her buy nothing. I'd rather do that than sell a shitload of product and, like, stand for nothing. So I knew what I had to do. But sometimes when we know what we have to do, it doesn't mean it is easy to do it. And honestly, like, I was. I was freaking out. I was so prepared. I had this demonstration on my wrist I was going to do that. Shows how our product doesn't crease in the top two department store ones do. And I get to the live studio, I walk in, we have our 10 minutes. And I go out there on the set live with the host. And I'll never forget Ed, the clock was like 10 minutes since like 959, 958. Shit. Like I'm online, like, this is happening, right? And I was trying to. And I felt literally sweat all the way, dripping down everywhere. I didn't want to talk about that. I was free and I'm not nervous for television. But everything was on the line. And I was trying to do this demonstration. I had practiced a million times in my bathroom mirror. And my hand was like this. And I was trying so hard to do it. And the host was like, thank you, sugar. And she pushed it under. And I remember the moment my bare face, bright red rosacea, came up on national television, right? And I remember walking over to these real women and calling them beautiful and meaning it. And there was about like one minute left in the cell in the 10 minute segment. And the host was like, the deep shade is almost sold out. The tan shade, we're down to 200.
- [43:16]
Ryan Serhant
I was like.
- [43:17]
Jamie Kern Lima
And then I remember, literally right at the 10 minute mark, the sold out sign came up diagonal, like across the street screen. And tears, like, start streaming down my face. And I remember my husband Paulo, he came rushing through the double doors. And I am like sobbing. And I'm like, real women have spoken. And he's like, we're not going bankrupt. And I was like. And that one airing turned into five that year, 101 the next year. And then we did 250 live shows a year. So I've done over 1,000 live shows myself on QVC. And we grew the largest beauty brand in QVC's history. And it is right now at this mom, to this day. And I only share that because it was three years, right, of them saying, no, and you're not the right fit. And no one can tell you you're not the right fit. You know what I mean? And sometimes I feel like we hear those. Every one of us has heard that in some form or another, that you're not the right fit or you're not enough. And I feel like those aren't the moments where you give up. Those are the moments like you get back up and with God and grace and grit, you keep hustling and you keep going and you keep following your knowing. And one more little thing to share with you. Just on the topic of full circle moments, Alan Burke, who is the head, like legend after we launched on qvc, he is the one that said no and was crying myself to sleep three nights in a row. And he told me I am not the right fit for qvc, all that kind of stuff. After we launched on qvc, I ended up getting to know him really well and he became not only a dear friend, but literally one of my greatest mentors in my entire career. He is right now, to this day, one of my greatest mentors. And you know, he is the one that built that billion dollar beauty, multibillion dollar empire at QVC for beauty. When he retired from qvc, we hired him in a paid position on our advisory board. So Ed, the guy that rejected me was now working for me. Like, no one can tell you you're not the right fit, right? And so anyways, you're amazing.
- [45:27]
Ed Mylett
You guys listen to me on this. I went and I got to see that. I love you. It's one of the great stories of all time told by the person still living it. Why do you need to get the book? I'm not selling the book, guys. I'm just telling you. Why do you want to get the book? Why do you want to follow Jamie? Because she really did it. Do you know how rare it is in the business, entrepreneur, self help space that it's not someone theorizing about things they think would probably work, but they've never applied? She did this. So what's in this book is gold. You don't have a lot of people on earth who have done what she's done. And then even fewer are like, and let me teach you how I did it and how. I think it's very rare. And it's why today's such a gift to be doing the show with you. I have to just tell you, it's interesting because we've met a couple times in green rooms or backstage and different things. And just so you know, Jamie is so kind and has so much humility, and you can't find anyone anywhere who has a bad word to say about her. She's just a beautiful spirit. And so I knew the story a little bit. And then I knew, you're gonna be on the show, so I was prepping. I already know the work that went in and I know the result, but I went and watched the clip when you showed your rosacea, right. And I found myself, even though I know what happens, I was like, got butterflies in my stomach for you. Now, even though it's years later, I'm kind of saying quiet prayers for you and I already know that you won, but it was just, it's such a poignant moment to go through all of that rejection. And I think you're giving so many people hope that you stuck to your guns about your beliefs as well. Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. If you want to hear the full interview, be sure to follow the Ed Mylett show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Now, on with the show.
- [47:06]
Today we're going to talk about how to build unlimited self confidence. And the reason that I'm covering this topic today is probably more than any other topic. I've been getting asked lately about the struggles people are going through with self doubt. Not believing in themselves, negative thoughts about themselves. And I believe the solution to self doubt is to build something bigger than that doubt, which is to build our self confidence. And one thing to know about the fact that you doubt yourself is one. I struggle with it as well. One of the reasons I've had to go learn to build all these tools for myself is because in my life, my baseball career, my academic career, my business career, my speaking career, I've been riddled with self doubt that creeps up all the time in our lives. Am I enough? Am I good enough? Do I deserve this? Is this something that's part of my destiny? Short should I be doing this? And if you're a religious person, I believe the adversary. If you believe in the adversary, I believe the adversary's greatest tool that he could use against you to get you to lose in your life is to get you discouraged. And doubting, these are two of the most chaotic things that the adversary can do to us or that we do to ourselves in our own minds is to get ourselves doubting, to get ourselves discouraged. Because you can't win when you doubt and you can't win when you're discouraged. What I found out though about self doubt is that you don't overcome it. You build something bigger than it, which means you build your self confidence. And the greater and greater your self confidence get, it minimizes the impact self
- [48:32]
doubt has on us.
- [48:33]
Now why is that so important? It's important because you have to understand one thing about the doubts and the negative thoughts you have about yourself, as hard as this is to accept, these are not your thoughts. You weren't born doubting, you weren't born discouraged. You weren't born thinking negative things about yourself. Those were thoughts that were placed in you and given to you by an external source at some time in your life. It could even be our parents. Don't do that. Be quiet. Sit down. Be a good boy. Be a good girl. Maybe it was criticism you received as a little one that you may not even remember to this day. It could have been a school teacher, it could have been ridiculed at school from other children. But when you were young, in your formative years, these negative thoughts about yourself were planted in you by an external source that's so powerful to understand. Because these things you think you believe about yourself that have become really true to you, you don't even really believe they were not your original thoughts. But the power of belief is so incredible in our lives. It's so insidious. Because when we have a belief about something, even if it was given to us by somebody else, our mind goes to work on proving to us that this belief is true. A belief is almost like this table right here, just the top. Once we get it and what our mind tries to do is it tries to build legs under the table to reinforce that belief. So if somebody told you you weren't enough, or you weren't smart enough or pretty enough or fast enough or strong enough, or you don't come from the right place, or you're not not in the right culture, the right race, the right religion, the right height, the right IQ as a young person, or you were put down and these beliefs were given to you, what happens is your mind tries to prove beliefs true, so it finds references. So once you think it, your mind finds an example of your life where you weren't enough, another one where you weren't enough, you weren't smart enough, you weren't pretty enough, you weren't handsome enough, you weren't strong enough. And it finds these references and it builds like a leg and multiple legs on a table, and pretty soon you can't move it and it's stuck in there as a firm belief. That's why we have to guard our beliefs so preciously, because our mind goes to work on finding these legs, these references, which are real experiences in our life, to prove to us that that belief is true. And so although you may believe it to be true about you, these doubts and negative thoughts you have, these were not your original thoughts. That's a powerful thing to understand because you weren't born this way. You weren't born doubting, you were born perfect. You were born believing you were going to do something great. You were born happy. You were born believing you were going to do something special with your life. As a baby, I promise you, you had no negative self talk. You had no negative self doubt. These are external sources so important to know because those thoughts aren't really who you are. There's somebody else's thoughts, they you because of how they felt about themselves. And so today we're going to talk about how to build self confidence and how to eliminate self doubt. So how do we build this self confidence? The process of building self confidence is actually very easy. Believe it or not, self confidence is self trust. Self confidence is building a reputation with yourself that you keep your word to you, that you keep the promises you make to you. When I meet somebody who has a ton of self confidence, I don't look
- [51:44]
at that as somebody with a big ego.
- [51:45]
There's a difference. Somebody with self confidence has a reputation with themselves that I do the things I say I'm going to do. That's where self confidence comes from. When I meet someone who's not self confident, I know this is someone who has consistently made promises to themselves they've not kept. They've started a diet and done it for a while but not kept it. They've made a commitment and goals to go make a certain amount of money in business. And I they started down the road but then they didn't deliver on it long term. To get up at a certain time in the morning and then they don't do it. And so they have a process and a habit in their life more often than not of not keeping the promises they don't make to other people. They don't keep the promises they make to themselves. And so the cool thing is self confidence is an internal game. You do not need external accolades, external admiration in order to build self confidence. You don't need any of those external forces. It's all done internally. You control this and you control this by beginning today to keep the promises you make to yourself. And you have to stack the deck in your favor, stack the game so you win. It's not good enough just to keep the promises you make to yourself. You must acknowledge it when you do it to you to give yourself credit, to create confidence. Momentum is what I call it. So whether that's setting the deck where you're going to get up a little bit earlier, you're going to make a certain amount of phone calls, you misses a certain amount of appointments, you're going to eat a certain amount of calories in your fitness. You're going to spend a certain amount of time with your children or your parents and you begin to do these things you say you're going to do. You say simple things like I'm going to lay out my clothes the night before I go to bed, every night before I go to sleep. So when I wake up, that decision is made for me. And believe it or not, the fact that you just do something that simple, that you then deliver on, begins to build confidence. You say I, I'm going to stretch in the morning when I get up and you do it, all of a sudden I'm not going to check my phone for 30 minutes. All these habits I teach. When you just begin to do the things you tell yourself you're going to do, you begin to build self confidence, which is this reputation with yourself. So ask yourself a question right now, what is one thing right now, one promise I can make to myself that I'm going to begin to keep starting this minute and begin to do it. It could be how often I'm going to pick up a book and read it. But you begin to stack things you commit to do and then you deliver on them and you acknowledge them to yourself. You're in the process of building self confidence. Why is that so important? Of all the athletes I coach, when my athletes are performing at their peak level, they're at their highest self confidence level. In fact, I love when I watch some of the athletes I coach get
- [54:12]
interviewed and they kind of do this
- [54:13]
aw shucks humble routine in their post game interviews. Yeah, you know, just part of the team. You know, I got a lot, I could have done a lot better today, but inside I know these people are incredibly self confident people. Any of you athletes listening to this, you know this. The great athletes, you know have incredible amounts of self confidence. You have to believe in you when it's a battle, when you're a hitter against a pitcher or when you're a quarterback against a defense or you're a defenseman in the NHL against their best offensive player or you're a golfer and you have to make a nine foot putt to win a, a tournament.
- [54:42]
Brendon Burchard
Right.
- [54:42]
Ed Mylett
You better have self confidence. In fact, the separator more often than not at the highest level in sports is not they're a better shooter or a better putter or throw the ball a little bit faster because Everybody throws hard in the major leagues nowadays. It seems right that separators their self confidence. It's true in being a parent, it's true in being a business person, it's true in every area of our life. The separator at the top levels is self confidence. So now you have that first thing that you're going to commit to that you're going to deliver on. Now what I would ask you to do that now that you've done that is if you really want to build self confidence, can you begin to extend that list of five, eight and ten things that you are going to begin to do that you commit to you, that you're going to do every single day to begin to stack that self confidence?
- [55:26]
That's going to change it.
- [55:27]
Now let's go back to the self doubt for a second. Self doubt is the inverse of that. I don't, trust me, I don't think I'm good enough. These are thoughts placed from the outside inside your mind. The minute you acknowledge that that's not my thought, that's someone else's, that's not, you begin to eliminate. I call it like scratching the cd. When I begin to have negative self talk, negative thoughts, I literally picture and I'm old by the way, but I picture an old record player or a DVD and I just scratch it, I scratch it. That thought gets scratched. I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not good looking enough, I'm not fat enough, strong enough, I'm not prepared enough. Once they enter, that's not my thought, that's something someone gave me when I was a kid and I scratch it. And I literally say to myself, scratch it, scratch it, scratch it. And over time it's like a DVD or a CD or a record player. Over time that thought can't be played again in your recorder when you scratch it enough times. So I literally picture scratching and I say scratch it. I experience self doubt, I experience negative thoughts and I scratch them. I scratch them, I scratch them. And over time it almost becomes funny. It's that thoughts impact on me starts to be minimized over time. Every time I scratch it, I picture scratching it like a DVD or a record or a cd and I say it to myself, scratch it, scratch it, scratch it. And what it does is it acknowledges the thought, it loses its power over me. The first time it still got some impact on me. The second time it might, but the fourth, fifth, seventh time, all of a sudden that thought just doesn't have the impact on me anymore because I acknowledge it's not mine. I've scratched it. And over time, my mind just doesn't want to play that song anymore, doesn't want to play that movie anymore. And so that's how I begin to eliminate those thoughts in my mind. I build up my self confidence and I scratch my self doubt. There's also this misconception from people that you are certain things. Meaning? Meaning some people have this misconception that I am what I possess. In other words, I am my possessions. And so they link their self confidence to their possessions. And so they're constantly trying to acquire more and more possessions, thinking that's where they get their self confidence from. That's how they're defined as a person. I am my possessions couldn't be further from the truth. It's a hollow way to try to gain self confidence by possessing things. Nothing wrong with going for material possessions. I have all kinds of them, but I don't link my confidence to those possessions. Nor am I deluded into thinking if I could just possess more things, then I'll feel better about myself. So this is a mistake. There's a flawed thought. Number one flawed thought I am my possessions. Second flawed thought I am my accomplishments. In other words, my self confidence is only linked to what I accomplished. So because I haven't accomplished certain things, I know that certain title, that certain award, that certain recognition. I don't believe in myself. I'm riddled with self doubt. I'm defined by my accomplishments. The difficult thing about that is now all your life you're going to have to accomplish more and more and more in order to feel self confident, eliminate self doubt. You are not your accomplishments, you are not your possessions. You are you. You are perfect, you are beautiful. You were born to do something great with your life. If you're a person of faith like me, you believe God made you in his image and likeness and wants you to do something great with your life. Not that you are your possessions, not that you are your accomplishments. And this is the social media insidious influence it has in our lives. People think, I don't feel good about myself. I've got this self doubt. The gateway to me feeling more self confidence is if I could possess more things or if I could accomplish accomplish more things. Yes, having nice things will make you feel better about yourself. Yes, accomplishing things certainly is a reinforcement for self confidence, but it's not the pathway to getting it. The pathway to getting it is doing something great with your life where you keep the promises. You make to yourself and acknowledge this self doubt, this self thought, this negative talk isn't even mine. It was given to me when it was impossible for me to offend myself as a child and maybe it even happened in adolescence. And probably some of those incidents have happened for you as an adult. And these ones as an adult are like that thing I said earlier. Oh, it's another time I reinforce the table. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough, I'm not prepared enough. I'm not the right race, I'm not the right gender. I don't come from the right kind of family. I don't have the right education. And we find these references as adults to reinforce these self destruction doubting beliefs we were given by somebody else as a child. Flawed belief is that you are your possessions, you are your accomplishments. Third flawed belief. I am what other people say I am wrong. You are not what other people say you are good or bad. I see too many people that if someone says something negative about them, they believe that's who they are. This is the flawed third belief. I am my possessions, I am my accomplishments and you know what or I am what other people say I am. Let me be clear with you. You are not what other people tell you you are. It wasn't true when you were 18 months old, 5 years old or 55 years old. You are not what other people say you are. So stop letting that dictate your self confidence or fill you with self doubt. And for the record, you are also not the good things people tell you you are all the time. Don't live for likes. Don't live for comments on your social media. Don't do things in your life just to solicit someone saying something great about you. It's a cheap, shallow, hollow way to try to gain self esteem and self confidence. It's fleeting, it's short term and it's needy. In fact, the fact that is a necessity for you to get liked, to get people to say good things, to get comments on your social media or to do so in your presence indicates a lack of self esteem and self confidence. Because we know self confidence is an internal game where we keep the promises we make to ourselves. The fourth type of flawed thinking is I am what I look like. In other words, if I don't look a certain way like what the magazine says I should or social media says I should, if I don't look like these people, I shouldn't have self confidence. And that's ridiculous. I can tell you straightforwardly you're beautiful as you are. Especially the ladies listening to this or watching this. The world is constantly trying to get you to believe you're not enough. You don't look right. You should lose this weight, you should gain this. This should be smaller, that should be bigger. Whatever it might be, they're constantly messaging women. You're not enough. You're not enough. You're not enough. You are what you look like. And this is true for men as well. Let me tell you straightforward, that you are not what you look like. You are your soul, you are your spirit. You are your gifts. You are the contributions you make. You are your intentions. You are perfect as you are. That doesn't mean we don't want to look better, doesn't mean we don't want to get into shape. But we want to do that to feel better about ourselves, not for the accolades from other people. We want to do that to feel healthier and stronger and be the ultimate version of ourselves. But by no means is that mean you're not perfect as you are. By no means does it mean you are defined by what you look like. You are not defined by what you look like. You are defined by the content of your character, the way you treat other people, and the difference you make in the world. So the four flawed thoughts that I see most right now is I am my possessions. No, you're not. I am my accomplishments. No, you're not. I am what other people tell me I am and say I am good or bad. No, you are not. And fourth, you are not what you look like. These are flawed beliefs that lead right to self doubt and away from self confidence. So the things we need to do to change our self confidence is a keep the promises we make to ourselves and B, very important, we must begin to give ourselves credit for those things when we deliver on them. I want you to remember this as well. There's a power to the way we use the two Bs, our brain and our body. See, self confidence can also be a state, a physical state. It's very difficult when you're moving your body, sitting up straight, breathing deeply, right? You're in that physical strong state of being, right? Right after a workout. During a workout is when we feel our most confident because our body's at a peak state. One way to generate self confidence is to move your body into a strong state of being. Move your body, literally, movement creates confidence. If you think about some of the peak times of your life, whether that be the fun time you may be having with Your partner physically, intimately, or laughter or peak performance, running right or your great accomplishments. Yes. There's a commonality to the way our body is moving at that time. If you think about the times when you're the least confident, usually when you wake up in the morning, isn't it? It's the most down, the most fearful, the most anxiety or before you go to bed at night. These are two times most people experience. The most amount of self doubt is right before bed and right when they wake up. Isn't that interesting? One of the reasons is because of how we're moving. We're laying down, we're hunched over, our breathing is shallow, there's no physical movement whatsoever. This creates a state of self doubt right before we sleep, right when we wake up or if you're just kind of depressed or sick, self doubt starts to kick in, doesn't it? Right. If you ever had an injury and you couldn't move like you'd like to. That stagnation of of the body begins to create self doubt and strips us of our self confidence. So moving our body is a gateway to self confidence and then our brain as well. We have to take control of our thoughts. We have to scratch the negative ones when they come in and replace them with great ones. Now I don't believe self talk works all the time. But I believe saying I am strong, I am good, I intend. I'm a good man, my intentions are pure, I'm a good person, I make a difference in the world. I'm kind, I'm gentle, I'm generous, I'm strong, I'm faithful. Beginning to repeat these thoughts to myself. And these words do generate self confidence. I keep the promises I make to myself. I'm a man of my word. Begin to talk to yourself and think these thoughts. When you combine your brain and your body, scratch the self doubt, you lose those four stupid beliefs. I am my accomplishments, I am my possessions. I am what other people's say I am or I am what I look like. These are completely flawed beliefs. We scratch those, we scratch them. We understand the process of stacking self confidence in our life. We know we are the content of our character. And lastly, give yourself some credit, will you please? And I'm going to tell you where to give yourself credit and that is in the area of your intentions. A lot of my confidence comes from the fact that I keep the promises I make to myself. I know my self doubt are thoughts that were given to me when I couldn't even defend myself as a young little boy. I know that I'm not my accomplishments. I know I'm not my possessions. I know I'm not what I look like.
- [65:56]
And I know I'm not what other people say I am.
- [65:59]
I understand the process of building self confidence. I scratch the negative thoughts in my life. But I can tell you this. The last place I get my confidence from is my faith and my intentions. See, I know I intend to do good. Not enough of you are giving yourself credit for your inherent goodness. And I mean this. You're special in that regard. You're perfect in that regard. Just ask yourself, what are your intentions as an individual, as a man or a woman? Do you intend to do good in the world? Do you intend to want to help people? Do you intend to be a light in people's lives? Do you intend to make a difference? Do you want to live a good life where you've helped change the world and change other people's lives? You ever just asked yourself that? Do you? Because if the answer that is, you know, I don't spend enough time thinking about how good my intentions are. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to do bad things. I don't want to take advantage of others. I really intend to do good. You know what? You need to give yourself more credit for the power of your intentions. There's a power in life, life of giving ourselves credit just for the intentions we have. Just ask yourself that. There's two types of people in life. There's the people who intend to do harm, to take advantage of people to cheat, to cut corners, to cause hurt to others for what they think will be their own gain. Then there's people who want to be a light. They want to make a difference. They want to help, they want to contribute. They want to be somebody. They want. They want to honor their God. They want to make a difference in the world and their intentions are good. Too often in life, people with great intentions don't give themselves credit for how beautiful and wonderful those intentions are. And so today, just take this inventory of all the things that are wonderful about your intentions. And then just take an inventory of your faith. As a person of faith, I know that I'm favored. I know that God wants me to do do good in the world. I know that I was made as image and likeness. There's a power to that. There's a comfort to that. There's a confidence that comes from that kind of a swagger. See, people aren't smirking at me anymore. I'm smirking at them. See, I know I'm not what I look like. I know I'm not my possessions. I know I'm not my accomplishments. I'm not what other people say I am. I understand the keys of keeping the promises I make to myself. I understand scratching those limiting beliefs. I know I intend to do good. I don't always do good. I make mistakes all the time. I'm not a deity, I'm not a God, I'm a man. But I intend to do good. And my guess is so do you. Start to give yourself a little credit just for your intentions, know you're perfect as you are, and then begin to take these massive action steps. The final piece of the puzzle is this, that you have to believe you deserve to win. And sometimes it's not just that we think we're good, but that we've done so much we must be worthy of winning. See, there's this adage in life, good people in life won't take more from the table of life than they think they're worthy of and they deserve. See, in business, sometimes short term, we've all seen this. Someone with bad intentions can get ahead short term, but you always reap what you sow. Karma is always a real thing. And eventually the people that take shortcuts, that cheat, that hurt other people, that have ill intent, the world, the universe, God sort of finds a way eventually to get them where they're supposed to be. But good people will never take more than they think they're worth. Which is why the mandatory requirement for good people to win is they believe they deserve it. They believe they're worth winning. And sometimes it's not just who we are that we need to believe in, but what we've done in this sense that sometimes you've got to outwork everybody and you've got to be willing to do the things nobody else is willing to do. So you begin to convince yourself, man, I'm doing all the things everybody else is unwilling to do. So I deserve to get the results other people aren't going to get. I'm doing the things other people aren't willing to do. I'm paying a price that's so much greater than other people, but I worth it that I deserve to get results they don't deserve to get because I've been willing to do the things they've been unwilling to do. So the last piece is often self confidence can just frankly come from outworking everybody and convincing ourselves, man, I've been doing the things nobody else is willing to do. I deserve to get the results nobody else deserves to get. And that's a shift in building self confidence.
- [70:25]
Before we start the interview with my next guest, just want to remind you all that you can subscribe to the show on YouTube or follow the show on Apple or Spotify. We have all the links in our show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Now, on with the show. All right, welcome back to Max out, everybody. My guest today does not really need an introduction, but I'll give him a brief one because his content's so good. I want to get right to it, but I think he's probably the biggest real estate brand in the world. He's CEO, star of Bravo's million dollar listing in New York. If you don't know his name, you know his face. If you're listening on audio, you'll know right away who he is. But he's got a book out that I believe in, that I really believe in the premise of the book. I didn't need to be sold even when I saw the title. It's called Big Money Energy. We're going to talk a lot about business, life, Covid, the whole deal with a guy who's just. He's just done some remarkable things the last 10 years with his life.
- [71:17]
Tom Papa
So.
- [71:17]
Ed Mylett
Ryan Serhant, welcome to the show. Thanks for being here.
- [71:20]
Ryan Serhant
Thanks for having me, man. I really appreciate it. It's awesome.
- [71:23]
Ed Mylett
Yeah, you're doing so well. I'm proud of you. From a distance,
- [71:27]
Ryan Serhant
Laguna beach sounds nice right now, man. New York is a little bit cold, a little snowy.
- [71:33]
Ed Mylett
It's. It's pretty beautiful here right now. I could. I'm not. It's zoom. So I won't show you what I'm wearing below the waist, but it's. It's not a lot.
- [71:42]
Ryan Serhant
At least you're wearing something, you know, really nicely tanned. I haven't had a tan in years, I think.
- [71:48]
Ed Mylett
Yeah, but you're, you know, you're so damn handsome, it's frustrating. That's why we're doing a split screen. Those, they'll throw an extra filter on me. I'm not worried about it. They'll do something good for me. But I got to tell you, I'm reading the book and the whole premise of all the stuff that I teach about influence, optimal performance, it's this invisible thing which is energy. And when you're around someone who's successful and you call it magnetic energy, sort of. More specifically, I cannot agree with you more about this. You know, when you're in the presence of it, and the absence of it makes everything so much harder in life to persuade, to attract, to accumulate. How does someone, first off, what is big money, energy? And how does someone get conscious of developing it so they can transfer it to people?
- [72:34]
Ryan Serhant
Yeah, sure. If I could just backtrack for a quick second. Sure. For anyone that doesn't know, I mean, I was born in Texas, bounced around eight times before fourth grade. Grew up a little bit outside Boston, went to college, upstate New York. I was terrible at every single sport. The only thing I liked was theater, in part because I didn't have to be myself on stage. I was not a cool kid by any means. And growing up on the east coast, school can be tough that way. And so acting and learning how to act gave me the opportunity to pretend to be somebody else. And I wasn't confident in my body. I was overweight, I had terrible acne. Wasn't that smart, you know, But I knew that I liked to perform. And I gave myself two years after college to come to New York City and try to do theater, try to make it tv, film, whatever I could do. I didn't want to go to la. I didn't know anybody in the west coast, basically from the East Coast. So I went there and I completely bombed, failed. I got on a soap opera for like a split second and then they killed me off really, really, really quick. And I totally ran out of money. And there's a couple things that have always sort of driven my life. One is I'd rather regret the things I did than the things I never tried. Right. I'd rather ask out that girl and have her say no than live the rest of my life wondering, oh, my gosh, she could have said yet. Oh, my God, what's the worst that can happen? She gonna punch me in the face? I don't think so. And if she did, that's an even better story. I asked out this chick, she punched me in the fucking face. That's crazy. What a great story. That's my third book. And, you know, I am. I used to be. And I'm not as debilitated anymore, but I used to be debilitated by this fear of wasted potential that, you know, I gotta go to New York and try to be an actor. Because if I don't do it, this is my only shot. I gotta do this now. And I don't want to be in the cemetery one day as that guy who had he just done a little bit more, you know who he is, He Would have had a legacy. And so I totally ran out of money. Got into real estate at the end of 2008. Not because I like real estate. No way. Not because I enjoy, you know, being a licensed associate realtor. It was because I needed to pay my rent and I needed to buy food, and I didn't want my parents to have to help. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. And I didn't want to fail and have to move home. So I knew if I move home, I'd never come back. And if you can make it in New York City, like they say, you can make it anywhere, right? It's a tough, tough city. Competition is intense. It's also a beautiful city. It's an intellectually curious city. And you can walk down the street every day and meet a brand new person every single day. When I got into real estate, I realized that I had something I was lacking in. Something that a lot of the successful brokers and developers and bankers and attorneys and clients had, and I couldn't really figure out what it was. They could walk into a room and make perfect eye contact, have a great handshake. They owned the room, right? They oozed success whether they were successful or not. And I wanted to be like those people. But in my mind, I'm a failed actor. I just got my real estate license. I need to pay rent. That's not me. I can't do that. Maybe in 10, 20 years, maybe. But that's probably not in the cards for me. I didn't think success was something that was possible for me. And I think a lot of people end up feeling that way as well. And you kind of like write off your future, say, well, that's never going to happen to me. Now listen, you've got to be realistic, too. I suck at basketball. It's not like I really wanted to be in the NBA. And I was like, oh, man, if I just try a little bit harder, no, it's not going to work. That's not going to happen for me. But, you know, I chose success first, career second. And I decided that, you know, the one thing that really separates me from everybody else in this field, not just that I'm an amateur and they're professional, not just that they're older, with more experience and I'm brand new, it's that they have energy. They have this successful energy. They have this magnetic energy. They have an energy that attracts money and income. They have a big money energy. And what that is is a unique quality that every Successful person embodies. And I think we've all been conditioned to think that most people achieve success because they're either born rich or they're educated or they're well connected or they're beautiful. But it's just not true. And this is something. I mean, I. Maybe I'm the only one, but this is what I used to think. Used to think that, hey, some people have it made, I don't, and that's okay. And I kind of like, accepted that. But then I realized that I don't have to accept that I can be the person I want to be right now. Yes, we're all on the same track, running other people just got a little bit of a head start, and that's okay. And so Big Money Energy is my confidence blueprint to help people take back control and live the biggest, most fulfilling life they possibly can. Because even though you can't change all of your circumstances, that's okay. Because if you can change your energy,
- [78:00]
Ed Mylett
you can Change your life 1 million percent. I just want to acknowledge a couple things on that. I think you can do all the other things. And if you don't develop this magnetic energy, it's very difficult. I mean, you can have the best script in the world, the best closing in the world, the best everything, even the best product in the world. And by the way, you and I both know top producers who aren't the best closers, who aren't the best prospectors, but they have this magnetic energy about them. A couple of things. How do I develop it? One, I assume you believe you need to be intentional about it in the first place, but you also talk in the book a little bit about. You said I can become whoever I want. I write my book about. You can just become a new character in the story of your life anytime you want. You can actually begin to play a character. And you say something similar about that in the book. So do we model big money energy, or does that make it inauthentic if we're like somebody else? Like, how do we do this?
- [78:50]
Ryan Serhant
Yeah, I don't think you model it. You know, there's a big difference for me in acting, doing theater and actually presenting myself as somebody who was successful.
- [79:02]
Tom Papa
Right?
- [79:02]
Ryan Serhant
And I never. There's no lying, there's no faking. Was just really believing in your core. And I'll give you an example. Most people know me because for the last 10 years, I've been on a show called Million Dollar Listing New York on Bravo. They've either seen an episode on a Plane or their friends saw or just reruns, whatever. I got onto that show when they were looking for the top real estate agents in New York City. At the time, there were under 30. I was 25. And they wanted the best, the biggest. The ones who were doing hundreds of millions of dollars in sales a year. They said, come to our open casting call at the Hudson Hotel in Times Square. And I saw that. I said, all right, I'm doing a handful of rentals. That's definitely me. I went. I went. I was like, who are these people? They're from la. What are they going to know? So I went. And I don't know what came over me that day. Brad just was like, you know what? Fuck it. You know, I don't have a business to speak of right now. If I get cast in a reality show about being a real estate agent, what's the worst that can happen? I suck. That is actually pretty bad. So let's not suck. But if I got onto it, it's exposure that I would never be able to pay for. Right? I can't afford those types of commercials, so let's see what happens. And I went into that audition and they asked me why I was there. And I said, because I'm the greatest fucking real estate broker in the history of the world. And I distinctly remember them staring back at me and being like, okay, got it. Because I think the 3,000 other agents who showed up that day, remember, in New York City alone, there are 80,000 real estate agents.
- [80:42]
Ed Mylett
My gosh.
- [80:44]
Ryan Serhant
So I was one of them. I think a lot of people were probably mumbling and stumbling and like, well, you know, I saw the note in this, and I sold this and this. I just laid it out in one line. Super simple. Next question. Let's go. I'm busy.
- [80:59]
Ed Mylett
About that. Can I say something? One thing I want to add in two things. One, the most certain person always influences the less certain person. So one of the things you did is you brought a ton of certainty, but you just use the word busy. I think one of the ways that you have magnetic energy, guys, if you need to be creative, is be busy. Just busyness alone becomes magnetic. Because when you have scarcity of time, scarcity is value. And so the less you have of it to offer people, the more valuable it is when you give it to them. So I just want to inject that. And you keep rolling.
- [81:27]
Ryan Serhant
No, that takes me directly into the next point here. You know, they asked me all these questions. Eventually I left. I was like, wow, I just bombed that, and then they called me back and said, hey, we want to keep talking to you. So months and months and months go by. Eventually they say, listen, we've narrowed it down to a big group of you, and so we're flying back to New York and we're going to follow each of you for half a day in New York City. Don't stress. We just want to see what your life is like. Show us your apartments, you know, your office, stuff like that. It's a reality show, so don't do anything crazy to me. Said, okay, your first impression is your last impression if you are not careful. The last thing I was going to show them was my fucking apartment and my office that was like in the corner somewhere and, you know, appointments. What was I going to do? Take them on $1,000 a month rental appointment that I had? No way. So I said, this is an opportunity that I have. I told them I'm the best. I believe that I can be the best. I might not be the best today by numbers, but they didn't ask me what my numbers were. They didn't ask me what my listings were. They said, why are you here? I said, I'm the best real estate agent. That's what you're looking for, so why are you asking? And now they're here, so they want to see that. So I scheduled myself a day that was as busy as one of my busiest days ever. And I would have busy days here and there, but when you're brand new in any business, you know, you have lulls over and over and over. And I wasn't about to let fate control my destiny in any way, shape or form. Okay? They were going to pick the day, they were going to pick the morning. No way was I going to say, well, that looks like a slow morning. I guess that's what they're going to see. No fucking way. But every day they pick, I'm going to give them what I told them I was the greatest real estate agent ever. And so I drove them around the city like a crazy mad person. I booked myself nonstop every 15 minutes. I think he got car sick halfway through. And then, because my life is not that crazy, I was done with them like three hours early, and I didn't know what to do. And so I left them in an apartment and I got back into my car and I just drove off and said, listen, I have a really, really busy day ahead of me. I don't have time to stay with you for the next couple hours. I got to do some Personal stuff. I'm sorry. I'm sure you can understand if it doesn't work out, no problem. You know how to reach me. And I left them. And at that point, I was like, all right, 50% chance that was the stupidest thing I've ever done. But there's another 50% chance that they're going to look at that and they're going to say, he just left us. Everyone else is dying to get on the show, and this guy just left us on the side of the. Please cast him now. And that's exactly what happened.
- [84:10]
Ed Mylett
I freaking love it. Like, see, I knew none of this. I just seen you on the show. I knew there was an edge to you. But, guys, the busyness combined with a little bit in life of just a takeaway. I don't need this. Just a little bit. No matter when you're persuading, these are the combination, the mother of all combinations. And what I love about the book, you guys, again, it's big money. Energy is. It's about magnetic energy, but it's also about building your self confidence, and it's about performing at a level. And let's just be really honest, you know, you all know Ryan, but think about what he just told you. This is not one of the top agents in New York at the time and now, I mean, arguably the biggest real estate brand, at least in the United States, that I'm aware of. That's remarkable in a decade. And the catalyst was the things that he's telling you. So this is valuable stuff if you
- [84:55]
want to do this in your.
- [84:57]
In your own life. That was a great conversation. And if you want to hear the full interview, be sure to follow the Ed Mylett show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest. Welcome back to the show, everybody. The gentleman sitting across from me, I think, is one of the most talented comedians of all time. He is, I was telling him off camera, he's just a tremendous storyteller, and I love his style. And he's been doing comedy for over 20 years. One thing about him that's always stood out to me, his inherent goodness as a person, I think shines through in his work. Like you inherently know when you watch him, this is a good man. And that storytelling has transitioned now into three books. And his third book's out right now. It's called We're all in this Together, so make some room. And there's so many great life lessons as you laugh your ass off in this book, but tons of great life lessons in the book that we're going to uncover today. Tom Papa, welcome to the show.
- [85:52]
Tom Papa
Thanks for having me. It's nice to be here finally.
- [85:55]
Ed Mylett
Yeah, finally to be relevant. 20, 30 years in comedy, most people don't know, but, like, you really do redo your act every couple years.
- [86:03]
Right.
- [86:03]
There's new bits and it's kind of like choosing to continue to grow and throw out the old and bring in the new. And most people in their life, like in your career, it's required. You can't do the same act for seven years or people don't want to come. Keep seeing, I assume.
- [86:17]
Tom Papa
Right.
- [86:18]
Ed Mylett
But that's risky. And most people in their life don't do that. They're in a career, they got the routine. They go to the same restaurant, the same barbecue on the fourth of July, the same six people at Thanksgiving, the same job. And I think one of the juices of life is what you have to do in your business, which is every few years, it's like, here we go again. I'm a baby again, right?
- [86:40]
Tom Papa
Yeah. It's funny when you say baby, because the thing that popped into my head as you were describing it, is it kind of keeps you young, it keeps you youthful. I have no idea of what age I am because I am still like the same attitude of working on these jokes and going to do this thing. And I hope that it goes well. And these people are still an inspiration to me. And it really makes. There's very little difference.
- [87:06]
Ed Mylett
That's crazy.
- [87:07]
Tom Papa
From when you were 30 and so
- [87:10]
Ed Mylett
are guys like you. Cause by the way, you're listening to one of the. All time. He won't say it, but like all time top comics and by the way, other comics that I know, when I ask them, hey, give me five or eight guys, typically your name comes up.
- [87:24]
Tom Papa
That's nice.
- [87:24]
Ed Mylett
It's true. And so to hear that you also get scared and nervous and renew your good friends with Seinfeld and Leno, same thing with those dudes. Is that a trait in guys or people rather, that are great in your business?
- [87:38]
Tom Papa
But it's again, it's kind of what we're talking about. They're also extremely confident, quietly confident, because they put in the time and they know the craft, but they still have. Oh, my God, that set was crazy. That joke didn't work and ah. And I lost it out there. And there's still the vulnerability. It's that thing, that mix of this ultimate confidence with still that vulnerability. I think the Vulnerability is very important, especially in the arts. I think it makes you uncertain, which is kind of the opposite of what we're talking about of the country being divided. All those people are acting like they have certainty, and, I mean, that's just locked in. You're going to turn to a fossil. It's that flex, that vulnerability that maybe I'm wrong, maybe I don't know. So let me keep searching.
- [88:36]
Ed Mylett
How do you have the vulnerability when you lack the confidence? So I go back to, like, you young. I think you're like 22 or something.
- [88:43]
Tom Papa
Yeah.
- [88:43]
Ed Mylett
I really read your stuff, by the way. I know more about your work than you.
- [88:47]
Tom Papa
Yeah, you're dropping it.
- [88:48]
Ed Mylett
But anyway, you're young and you kind of catch yourself. You kind of drinking in a bar and you're like, I think I'm gonna slip into this life. Is the way that I understood the story. Like, I may just get stuck here in this life.
- [89:00]
Tom Papa
And before I was going, yeah, so
- [89:02]
Ed Mylett
before your comedy career. Because there's a lot of people listening to this are like, this really sounds good. And I don't want to live the next 30 years the same. But I. I'm lacking a lot of confidence, so how do I become vulnerable? You made a decision. What was it like? Was it more like you knew what you didn't want? Was that life or more what you did want? Because you end up kind of leaving right where you were and going and exploring a new life.
- [89:24]
Tom Papa
Yeah. Of becoming a comic. Like it was out of college and hanging and working and it was. It's tricky because I admire that life. So do I. I like. So do I. I like the people I could easily be. The people that sticks in the hometown and knows the servers at the diner and run into the guy at the liquor store. Cause you went to high school with him. And you know those roads and you know what summers are like there. And you know what the winter's gonna be like. And you know, when Santa comes on the fire truck there. Like, there's. I love that. I truly do. But I did know that whatever road I took was gonna be a sacrifice if I stayed there and lived that life and had my motorcycle parked out back, it would be a cool life. The sacrifice would be that I never got to see if I could have been the comedian I wanted to be when I was 13 years old. So then if I want to chase that and see, can I be the comedian that I wanted to be when I was 13 years old? Okay, you can. You can go to New York and you can go chase that. What's the sacrifice? The sacrifice is I'm not going to live that life where everybody knows me and it's nice and cozy in my hometown. So there's a sacrifice, which to this day, I'm very happy with the way it worked out, but that other life would have been great.
- [91:03]
Ed Mylett
You know what's interesting? Me too, right? I think about it more now that I'm way far away from it. I think there were years I was like, man, I didn't want that life. I want this one. But more and more, I'm like, it's okay if that would have been my life. I just think it's. I think it's like, as long as you knowingly choose the life and, you know you don't want to, it's like, you know what I mean? It's like, as long as you know, you're okay with it. Like, there's nothing wrong with having a wonderfully comfortable life that you enjoy. It's almost like I have some friends that don't really know the difference that I grew up with. Like, they've never really thought much of a big dream and a big life, but some of us, I think it could be a blessing or a curse, are sort of wired with these dreams. I have a bunch of buddies that they didn't have those things.
- [91:50]
Tom Papa
And aren't you envious? In a way?
- [91:52]
Ed Mylett
Yes. You're like, oh, I'm envious of people sometimes that I see with just very simple lives. And I'm like, wow, you don't have 400 emails today. And there's absolutely nothing better or worse than the two. It's just I was born with some dreams and ambitions that I, I think, truthfully haunted me. Had I never known who I could have become, had I never had the experiences, but yet there's something about getting on the other side and living some of it.
- [92:20]
Tom Papa
You're like, yeah, that wasn't, you know, yeah. And, yeah, it's a difficult thing to kind of figure it out. And then, you know, you also feel like, well, you know, what is my purpose here? What am I supposed to be doing? For some reason, there was a little nagging. As silly as it is to be, like, telling jokes in the beginning, I see it more now. I think it's more purposeful now. In the beginning, I was just. I wasn't thinking of it in those terms, but looking back, it was, I think, the thing that makes you make the leap, go in a direction, and it doesn't have to be show Business. It could be anything, is that you feel like there's. There is some reason there's something pulling you there that's gonna give you. If you do it, you're going to achieve something and you're going to have value and you're going to carry that and your life will be richer. Right.
- [93:15]
Ed Mylett
And I don't think that's silly. I think it's just.
- [93:18]
Tom Papa
Yeah. And it could have been being a dentist in that town and being like, okay, I'm going to put up a little tooth on the building and I'm going to take my degree and do it. That's still a leap. Or it could be I'm going to raise these three kids and I'm gonna stay home and make sure that these kids are raised the way I want them to be raised. And I want to enjoy that element of it.
- [93:40]
Ed Mylett
It's really interesting because I didn't know we were gonna talk about this, but I'm actually working this out with you while we're doing it.
- [93:46]
Tom Papa
Yeah, so am I. But by the way, if I could just interrupt you.
- [93:49]
Ed Mylett
Yeah, please.
- [93:50]
Tom Papa
There is no certainty. This is why I love these interviews. And I do it with my friends in comedy, and I do it with my. You have to relearn and talk through these stories all the time.
- [94:03]
Ed Mylett
You do.
- [94:04]
Tom Papa
To remind yourself that I'm on track.
- [94:07]
Ed Mylett
I wonder if, in my case, I don't sense it with you.
- [94:10]
Tom Papa
Yeah.
- [94:10]
Ed Mylett
I wonder. One, I had dreams and things I wanted to do, but I also think I was under the illusion, maybe it wasn't even an illusion, that I kind of wanted to change how I felt. There's something not sitting in my being right about how I felt. Even though I come from a pretty good family and if I could go succeed or do this, I'll feel differently.
- [94:33]
Tom Papa
Yeah.
- [94:33]
Ed Mylett
And then I got addicted. My drug, I guess. I don't know. My drug is success because I don't even feel successful. But my drug is growth and experiences.
- [94:43]
Tom Papa
Yeah.
- [94:44]
Ed Mylett
And I have to feel like for you, that feeling on a stage. So first for. For a guy who's a mechanic, it's the feeling of fixing that engine and it works perfectly. Or for the teacher of seeing a student get the lesson right. Or a nurse, that they've healed somebody.
- [94:57]
Tom Papa
Yeah.
- [94:58]
Ed Mylett
And for you, maybe it's that laugh on the stage. You get a laugh. I gotta imagine there's not a lot of feelings like that feeling for you. And it becomes almost like a drug.
- [95:06]
Tom Papa
For sure.
- [95:07]
Ed Mylett
Is it?
- [95:08]
Tom Papa
Oh, yeah, for sure.
- [95:08]
Ed Mylett
What does that feel like when you hit your version of the thing. Like, are you like, can you describe what that feels like?
- [95:16]
Tom Papa
Yeah, it feels. The first thing that pops in my head is connection. It feels like, I got one, I nailed one. This is something that means you walk around thinking of the stuff that is funny to you or means something to you, and then you put them out in the. But when you get one, that, that pops and that crowd is laughing. It's connection. We're all experience. We all agree with this thought I've uncovered. I looked through the leaves and I found this nice little rock. And it's like. And it was worth sharing.
- [95:57]
Ed Mylett
I feel that way, bro. I don't think I could go through me, go through my life not searching for the rock and then getting it. It's a pain in the ass. It's a lot of work. It's a lot to get there, but.
- [96:08]
Tom Papa
But it's exciting. It's like, I mean, that's the thing, that vulnerability, you know, all these words become inaccurate at a certain point. Yeah, but I love still learning little life lessons from people. I love it. I love it.
- [96:27]
Ed Mylett
Me too.
- [96:27]
Tom Papa
It's just these little things. And I'm inspired by people in my family who are successful and they got it together or whatever. And yeah, it's, it's a constant. Yeah, we can do this. We can do this better. And every phase is new. So it's like, okay, so how am I gonna handle this one?
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Ed Mylett
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