Mindset Matters - Episode #179 - I’m Not Enough: Overcoming Self-Doubt and Inner Criticism

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Everyday Millionaire - Mindset Matters (Episode #179: “I’m Not Enough: Overcoming Self-Doubt and Inner Criticism”)

Host: Patrick Hanlon
Guest: Stephanie Hanlon, Olympic Mental Performance Coach
Release Date: April 3, 2025

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Introduction

In Episode #179 of The Everyday Millionaire podcast, titled “Mindset Matters - I’m Not Enough: Overcoming Self-Doubt and Inner Criticism,” hosts Patrick Hanlon and his wife, Stephanie Hanlon, delve deep into the pervasive issue of self-doubt and the internal narrative of not being enough. Through personal anecdotes, insightful parables, and expert discussions, they explore the origins of these limiting beliefs and offer strategies to overcome them.

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Understanding the "Not Enough" Narrative

Patrick Hanlon opens the conversation by addressing a common struggle many face: negative self-talk and the persistent feeling of inadequacy. He poses a reflective question to Stephanie:

Patrick (01:08): “Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, I'm such a loser or gosh, I'm an idiot or some other form of negative self-talk... I'm just not enough?”

Stephanie Hanlon shares her personal journey, acknowledging that she engaged in self-deprecation for years, believing it would motivate her. However, she realized the damaging effects of this behavior:

Stephanie (01:41): “100%? I did that for years and I thought it was helping me... I wouldn't talk to my best friend like that. So I had to ask myself, why was I talking to myself like that?”

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The Subconscious Storytelling of Self-Worth

Patrick emphasizes that many individuals carry a subconscious narrative of not being enough, a story that operates quietly in the background of their lives:

Patrick (03:30): “If you're listening to this somewhere, you're telling yourself a story and you've told yourself a story where you're not enough.”

Stephanie attributes the origins of this mindset to historical and familial influences, where individuals strive excessively to prove their worth:

Stephanie (04:31): “Not enough comes from, I don't know, historical, maybe family baggage or drama... it's a way to play small.”

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Parable of the Cracked Pot: Embracing Flaws as Strengths

To illustrate the impact of self-perception, Patrick shares the poignant Parable of the Cracked Pot:

Patrick (05:00): “One day, the crackpot said to the water bearer, I'm so sorry I've failed you. I'm only delivering half the water. I'm just not good enough... The water bearer smiled and said, did you notice the flowers on your side of the path?”

Stephanie responds emotionally, recognizing the value in embracing one's flaws:

Stephanie (06:00): “It is in our flaws that make us unique... I have people around me who have been through so much, and when they start to get that they are of huge value and of service to the world just exactly the way they are, it sometimes makes me weep.”

This parable underscores the idea that perceived imperfections can contribute beauty and value, challenging the narrative of inadequacy.

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Overcoming "Not Enoughness" Through Awareness

Patrick introduces a real-world example of overcoming self-doubt by discussing a podcast episode featuring women who transformed their lives through microdosing:

Patrick (07:00): “...they had this realization that they could be enough, doing what they not only love to do, but being true to who they really were.”

Stephanie elaborates on how high achievers often remain unsatisfied despite their accomplishments:

Stephanie (12:50): “Even when I won a gold medal, even when I got the deal... I'm still not enough.”

This segment highlights the recurring cycle where achievements do not necessarily quell the internal sense of insufficiency, emphasizing the need for deeper self-acceptance.

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External Validation vs. Internal Self-Worth

The discussion shifts to the distinction between external achievements and internal feelings of adequacy. Patrick addresses how societal standards and constant comparisons can fuel the “not enough” mindset:

Patrick (17:53): “If you're in that comparison world, then you'll never ever measure up... it's a shot, it's a staged picture.”

Stephanie counters by emphasizing that true happiness stems from internal acceptance rather than external validation:

Stephanie (16:08): “The difference between happiness and pleasure is happiness being the absence of looking for happiness.”

This conversation underscores the importance of cultivating self-worth independent of external successes or affirmations.

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Parable of the Chicken-Eagle: Breaking Free from Limiting Beliefs

Patrick shares another compelling story, The Parable of the Chicken-Eagle, to illustrate how environmental influences can constrain one's potential:

Patrick (27:08): “He died as a chicken... he never blossomed into the ego that he could have been because he stayed within that environment.”

Stephanie reflects on the importance of supportive environments in fostering self-belief:

Stephanie (28:43): “I have a family that believed the shit out of me... they stopped me and said, you are an eagle. Keep going.”

This parable reinforces the message that belief systems, often shaped by our surroundings, play a crucial role in determining our self-perception and potential.

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Practical Strategies for Embracing Enoughness

In the latter part of the episode, Patrick and Stephanie discuss actionable strategies to overcome the “not enough” narrative:

• Self-Awareness: Recognizing and acknowledging negative self-talk is the first step toward change.

  Patrick (22:01): “Being aware of it and then putting in the correction in that moment is really critical.”

• Challenging Limiting Beliefs: Identifying the origins of these beliefs, often rooted in childhood or past experiences, to dismantle them.

  Patrick (16:08): “You have to ask yourself where you believe you're not enough.”

• Embracing Authenticity: Encouraging individuals to be their true selves without the need for external validation.

  Stephanie (32:07): “Your isness is in this moment.”

• Support Systems: Building a network of supportive individuals who affirm one’s worth and potential.

  Stephanie (28:43): “They loved him for the way he was because he was the weirdest looking chicken they'd ever seen.”

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Conclusion: Affirming Enoughness

Patrick and Stephanie conclude the episode with a powerful affirmation, encouraging listeners to recognize and embrace their inherent worth:

Patrick (36:01): “Stephanie and I, 100% believe you are enough. Go out and be that.”

Stephanie echoes this sentiment, urging listeners to share the message and continue striving towards their best selves:

Stephanie (36:13): “If you found value in the podcast, please take the time to rate and review and share with others.”

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Key Takeaways

1. Self-Talk Matters: Negative self-talk reinforces the belief of not being enough. Awareness and correction of these thoughts are crucial.
2. Origins of Self-Doubt: Childhood experiences and environmental influences significantly shape one’s self-perception.
3. Embrace Flaws: Perceived imperfections can contribute unique strengths and value.
4. Internal vs. External Validation: True self-worth comes from within, not from external achievements or comparisons.
5. Support Systems: Having a supportive network can help dismantle limiting beliefs and foster self-acceptance.
6. Actionable Steps: Cultivating self-awareness, challenging limiting beliefs, embracing authenticity, and building support systems are essential strategies to overcome self-doubt.

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Notable Quotes

• Patrick (06:55): “Isn't that an interesting story? Is that we think that we can be telling ourselves a story of where we're not enough and what we're not seeing is where we are more than enough.”

• Stephanie (12:50): “...if you're not happy, then to me, that's where the conversation we can circle back to the difference between happiness and pleasure...”

• Patrick (17:53): “What we say, am I enough, and that's what I think my whole point of this podcast is.”

• Stephanie (32:07): “Your isness is in this moment.”

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Final Thoughts

Episode #179 of The Everyday Millionaire offers a profound exploration of the internal struggles with self-worth and the pervasive feeling of not being enough. Through heartfelt discussions and illustrative parables, Patrick and Stephanie Hanlon provide listeners with both empathy and practical tools to transform their mindset, ultimately guiding them towards living their best lives.

Transcript

[Patrick Hanlon]

Foreign.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Welcome to this episode of the Everyday Millionaire Mindset Matters podcast where I'm joined by my wife, Olympic mental performance coach Stephanie Hanlon. Francie. In these episodes, Stephanie and I have a conversation about the different aspects of what we refer to as Mindset Matters because we believe that for those who are awake, we are living in and through the most impactful time in history. Your view of the world is the filter for how you will experience the evolution and changing dynamics of it. Our intention is to provide you with ideas, nutritious food for thought, and some tools that you can use to help you in being your greatest self and living your best life. Listen in, enjoy.

[Patrick Hanlon]

Hey there. Welcome to Mindset Matters where Stephanie and I are going to challenge your old thinking, explore new perspectives, and help you design a life that aligns with who you truly are meant to be. Stephanie.

[Francie]

Hi hon.

[Patrick Hanlon]

So question. Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, I'm such a loser or gosh, I'm an idiot or some other form of negative self talk which ultimately leads to the conversation that you have with yourself? I'm just not enough. I'm not smart enough, I'm not successful enough, I'm not rich enough, I'm not good looking enough, I'm not confident enough. I'm just, you know, I mean, the list of not enoughs goes on and on. What's your thoughts? You ever done that?

[Francie]

100%? I did that for years and I thought it was helping me, you know, motivate myself or challenge myself and be better, etc. And then I realized that until I actually stopped talking to myself like that. I mean, I wouldn't talk to you like that. I wouldn't talk to my best friend like that. I wouldn't even talk to the dogs like that. So I had to ask myself, why was I talking to myself like that?

[Patrick Hanlon]

Well, why don't you just, you know, think about that? What's the answer to that question? I think that there's a story that plays out, you know, as aware as we are, as much work as we've done and continue to do in our own self discovery of being the best version of our limited selves. Love that. When we're the best version of our limited selves, it's kind of, it's a little bit that if you're not paying attention, you can be living into a not enough story without knowing that you're actually got that story running. It's like it plays really quietly in the background of so many people's lives. I mean, we see it with ourselves, but we also see it with people that we've worked with. And of course, you see it probably more regularly because you've got a long list of clients that you work with athletes on a regular basis. So let's start there. Let's start with the conversation of what is it about not enough and why is it that we have these stories? I mean, I've got some thoughts around it that I would share, but what's your kind of take on the not enough story that I'm going to say everybody's got it. So if you're listening to this somewhere, you're telling yourself a story and you've told yourself a story where you're not enough. Now, I'm just going to put that blanket statement out there, but what's your thoughts, Stephanie?

[Francie]

Well, to me, I think not enough comes from, I don't know, historical, maybe family baggage or drama. But it shows up in the world that I'm in as trying to prove yourself as enough. So trying too hard, working harder than everybody else, leading by example, throwing yourself out there, you know, just. But to the extreme. And I find that the covering up of the not enough comes from overdoing. It's like our strengths overdone become our weaknesses. And when not enough, I'm not enough. I'm not tall enough, I'm not good enough. I'm not, you know, a good enough wife. Good enough, good enough, good enough. It's a way to. For, I don't know if it's our ego again, but it's a way to play small and to show the world that you're trying so hard, you know, to be enough. And, and when do we ever, I don't know if we're ever get to that place where, you know, enough. Well, for me, I had to get to enough is enough, enough is enough, and I have to be enough. And that's when I really started looking in the mirror and calling myself girlfriend.

[Patrick Hanlon]

Okay. But I don't think, you know, it's interesting that you said that it's where we play small. I don't know that I would agree with that. I think it's a place where it keeps us small, the story that we tell ourselves. So let me share a parable that I pulled up that might give it some more context in the story of where we're not enough and how I think it keeps us small because we tell ourselves that story and we believe it and we may say that we don't, but we actually do. And it gets in our way of being the best, boldest, greatest version of ourselves. And so this is a story around a crackpot. So it goes. Once upon a time, in a small village, a water bearer had two large clay pots. Each hung on the ends of the pole he carried across his shoulders. We're all familiar with that picture. One of the pots was perfect. It was in great shape, and it always delivered a full portion of water. The other pot had a crack in it. And by the time they returned from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot had leaked out half of its water. Now, this went on every day for many years. The perfect pot was proud of its accomplishment, but the crackpot felt ashamed. It was miserable that it was only able to deliver half of what it was made for. It saw itself as broken. It saw itself as unworthy and not enough. One day, the crackpot said to the water bearer, I'm so sorry I've failed you. I'm only delivering half the water. I'm just not good enough. The water bearer smiled and said, did you notice the flowers on your side of the path? You see, I planted seeds there because I knew about your crack. Every day as we walked, you watered them. For years, I've been able to pick beautiful flowers for my wife and decorate our home. You've actually brought a lot of beauty into the world simply by being who you are. And I thought, wow, isn't that an interesting story? Is that we think that we can be telling ourselves a story of where we're not enough and what we're not seeing is where we are more than enough. So anyways, I don't know, does that parable help?

[Francie]

Actually almost makes me want to cry when I think about that. Because, you know, it is in our flaws that make us unique. You know, I never judge our kitty, Mr. Lightning, for all his little spots. And I don't judge people that I see that have scars or I have people that around me who have been through so much, and when they start to get that they are of huge value and of service to the world just exactly the way they are, it sometimes makes me weep.

[Patrick Hanlon]

Yeah, I'm going to share a story in a minute of a podcast that I just did with a couple of women partners, business partners, who have a business where they are microdosing mushrooms and lsd. Wow, it's so cool. So it does play into the not enough conversation, but I want to get there. So, first off, you know, not enough, where does that even come from? Where do we come to believe we're not enough. And most often, and I wouldn't say always, I don't know that to be true, but most often it is something that shows up. In our childhood, one of our parents pointed out our limitations or whatever that story might have been somewhere along the line as we were growing up. It's usually where it is or this experience where we tried something, we in our world failed miserably. And maybe you actually did fail miserably. And now you have the trauma, the shame, the embarrassment, whatever you hold of not accomplishing what you set out to do. And then therefore going forward, you may have a story that I'm not good enough, I'm not whatever enough. And the truth of it is that that plants the seeds of limitation. So in any development work, and you know, when we look at personal professional development, it, you have to be open to reflecting, you have to actually have self examination, you have to look at your thought process. You have to look and go, why do I believe that about myself? So I want to share this quick story with you about these two ladies who have this business that they're doing, microdosing of mushrooms and lsd. It was really fascinating, by the way. So one of them was adopted after both her parents got thrown in jail. Very traumatic upbringing, went to college, was an overachiever, got into the corporate world, worked in the corporate world for many, many years, and then realized at some point, woke up one day and I hate my job. And through that process of I hate my job, I'll never accomplish anything, I'll never get up the corporate ladder. She had this whole story where in essence she wasn't enough. And she just continued to do some work. She got investigative, came across this whole concept of mushrooms and started going on the journey and it changed her life. And then she went, this is what I want to do. So that's one partner, the other partner was a heroin addict for five or six years, same kind of upbringing scenario, and had their revelations and their epiphanies through their own journey. And all along that what I heard in behind all of their stories where they weren't enough and the realization that they had was they could be enough, doing what they not only love to do, but being true to who they really were. And that was through the discovery of their, I'll call it their not enoughness and realizing, no, I can go beyond that. And they have a thriving business, a really cool business, and I definitely want to do mushrooms again. So that's a totally different conversation. Well, it took me back to the Days where we did mushrooms for a totally different reason. Anyways, that's a totally different conversation.

[Francie]

Don't say we. I still haven't tried anything.

[Patrick Hanlon]

Okay. We'll go on that journey together. We'll be enough together. We'll really come together to do that. So the point of it is that we have all sorts of, I guess, reasons and stories that we're telling ourselves why we wouldn't be enough. It's helpful to kind of get to the source, whatever that trauma might have been or that experience. What left you thinking that you're not enough? The comparison that you have. But what's your kind of thoughts on the not enough part of it?

[Francie]

Yeah, that's good. I love that story. Are they going to be on the Everyday Millionaire podcast, right?

[Patrick Hanlon]

Yeah, they're on the Everyday Millionaire podcast. 100%.

[Francie]

Okay. Okay, okay. I'm going to listen to it for sure.

[Patrick Hanlon]

Okay, hold on. Before you go, just tweak me to another quick parable. Okay.

[Francie]

Can I talk soon?

[Patrick Hanlon]

Okay, go. You go first. You go first, then I'll share the parable.

[Francie]

No, you asked me a question like, what does it come up for me and what comes up, I don't know where it comes from because of course, I'm not a psychologist, but I do have a lot of experience with high achievers and high performance athletes and business people and people just want to be the best. And what I've discovered is when they're being driven by their not enoughness and then they do achieve their goal, they live right back in the now what? And there's like, that didn't help. I didn't get the proof or the feedback that I was enough. Even when I won a gold medal, even when I got the deal or closed the, you know, whatever, I'm still not enough. And they put their own self worth, et cetera, onto the achievement and then they achieve it and then they're still not enough. So it really makes me kind of spiral into a conversation with them about where are they not enough and when will they ever be enough? And interestingly enough, one of them actually said to me, well, if I'm enough, then what am I striving for? Interesting, right?

[Patrick Hanlon]

Well, what's the answer to that question, do you think?

[Francie]

I don't have that answer for people, they have that answer. I believe everybody has their own answers. I'm just the facilitator or the gap finder. When you find out that you are enough, I believe it actually launches the individual into the next level of what it is they say they want and they're not just completely rewinding or living in the past and letting their present be emboldened by the past and being afraid of the future and having just this, this shame around the past or whatever. But when they get that they're enough, there's a quiet grace that I find that that happens and there's a lightness and then I really feel on some levels that I can really start to help somebody discover who they're going to be next.

[Patrick Hanlon]

Well, I always think about, you know, the one wonderful thing about sports is that it actually is training in many aspects of at some point you're not good enough and you have to keep working at it until you are. And some people achieve that goal and they go, well, they kind of even got some talent around it and they go on to do world class and Olympic class things. But along that journey there was a lot of time that they spent not being good enough, not being enough. So there is a part of it that being enough sometimes just takes training, getting through the adversities, becoming resilient, training to be enough. If it's something that really lights you up, then ultimately you become that. That's one aspect I think of discovering and being enough is, you know, when you first come to the conclusion that whatever you're doing, you know there's going to be a place where you're not enough, you're not good enough, you're not enough in some capacity, tall enough, good looking enough, you go sing enough. But the point of it is that if you're aware of it, that's one thing and you can actually assess it going, well, listen, I'll never play the NBA because I'm only 5 foot 8 and well, I'm not going to work that hard, whatever. It's the not enoughness that I think gets in most people's way and where I bumped into it myself is where you're not aware of it. You're not even aware that you're telling yourself the story that you're not enough. And this is where having that awareness, taking time to reflect and if you're not satisfied with what you've accomplished, where you're going, what you're doing, some quality of your life, you're not, I guess, satisfied with, if that's the right word. Is there a place where you're thinking that you're just not something enough to have what it is that you're looking for? I know for myself is that in business, if I'm not getting the results in business, I, I, it's, it's all me. It's, it's got to be my fault. It's got to be me not being smart enough. If I knew more, if I was a better CEO, if I was a better person, you know, if I did a better job of marketing, if I knew how to sell, if I had a better product, you know, there's always a story around it where I find. And I catch myself thinking about how I'm just not good enough to do what I want to do to achieve what I want to achieve. Does that make sense?

[Francie]

Yeah. But to me, that almost sounds super victimy, right? It's all about the external. It is, yeah. Having the external proof that you're enough, I believe never really comes. If it's the gold medal, the deal, the man of your dreams, the woman of your dreams, the perfect wedding or whatever, and you're still not happy, then to me, that's where the, the, the conversation we can circle back to the difference between happiness and pleasure and happiness being, you know, the absence of looking for haps have happiness, right? Like, where do you get to the point where nothing outside of you can affect your, your happiness? So when we go back to the not enough, and you look at your life and you go, okay, am I where I want to be? Am I doing what I want to be doing? Am I living where I want to be? Do I have the people around me that really light me up? And if the answer is no, then for me, what I'm hearing you say is that if you're not getting the results you want, it's because of you. You're not enough, and you're not smart enough, strong enough, whatever. And when I say it sounds victimy, which is so weird because I never see you as a victim, is that if that's what your narrative is and that's what is in your subconscious, it's like, no wonder we can't get to a point sometimes in our business or in our, in our personal lives where we can't break through and we can't go to the next level. And we talk about being your best selves and living your greatest life, and people are probably going, what the hell are you guys talking about? You know, and then you said something this morning about living your best, what was it?

[Patrick Hanlon]

Limit limited life being the best version of your limited self.

[Francie]

That just, I just went, oh, my God, that makes so much sense because that means we're just striving to the status quo. Striving and striving to be the same as we are. We don't have to change. So anyway, I don't know where I'm going with that, so.

[Patrick Hanlon]

Well, I think there's a lot of the not enoughness comes from this place of comparing. I mean, I know there's a lot of that that goes on if you're, again, if you're scrolling Instagram or TikTok or YouTube or whatever. Everybody's driving a Ferrari or a Lambo and you know, all women are six foot tall and you know, 110 pounds. You know, like it's like there could be. If you're in that comparison world, then you'll never ever measure up to those, you know, moments in time, those hallmark moments I call them. You know, it's a shot, it's a staged picture and if we compare ourselves to that, we could end up not being enough. But you know, back to what I was just saying is that in my own experience that I have to watch myself if I'm not getting the results or if I screw up or if I make a mistake. My default is you're such an idiot. Like oh, you're so dumb or whatever. Like it. I catch myself saying it. I'm aware of it. And I think being aware of it and then putting in the correction in that moment is really critical to it all. But the question then becomes, is that how do we get to this place where we really arrive at we are enough and whatever we've got going on, we're here, it is enough. And I think that's part of it in being aware and having that self awareness so that you're not beating yourself up, you're not enough. Why? Because you didn't try harder? You didn't educate yourself more? You know, what is it that, you know, like we have to get to that place of where is the self talk, what is the origination of it so that you can actually put in the correction and understand that it's probably just a story you're telling yourself. And that story will generally originate at something you in your youth, right? Something that a parent or a guardian or somebody meaningful in your life made a criticism or gave you a hard time about something and you lived into that story and you continue to do it again. Everybody has the not enough or it shows up as sometimes being a fraud. You and I have had these conversations before. Sometimes you just be like, I feel like a fraud. Well, it's pretty common, right? It's. Everybody goes through it. Everybody does. The key is that are you aware of it. And then what are you doing to kind of examine it so that you can collapse it, dissolve it as we say?

[Francie]

Well, you say that, but you actually asked a group of people the other day about, you know, what, what do they take a moment to self reflect and you know, what is going on and they have no idea what you're talking about. So I would be careful of the blanket. Everybody is aware. Everybody has a not enoughness kind of thing driving them in the story. I don't know. If they don't have the awareness, then how do they, how do, how do you, why do you use the blanket statement that everybody is, you know, is dealing with it?

[Patrick Hanlon]

Yeah, no, that's a good point. That's a good point. I probably should generalize and not, you know, not be in the always or never kind of category. But what I want to say is. Okay, so let's, let me rephrase it. Whether we are aware of it or not, everybody has a story of where they're not enough. That is for sure. Again, to your point, you may not be aware of it. What's in your way. And that really is about why we have a podcast, why we have these conversations. It is what's in our way of being the best version of our limited selves, you know, what is the way of having and living the life that we want. And so that's part of it. I think there's another, you know, fundamental around it is that the self talk is actually what stops you from making a move, you know, because you don't have the confidence if you're not smart enough. Yeah, I'm not going to pull that off. As opposed to saying the story I'm telling myself is I'm not smart enough and quite frankly, I don't care. I'm going to try this anyways. I'm going to lean into this anyway. I'm going to do what I need to do to gain the knowledge I need to be smart enough. You follow what I'm saying? As opposed to saying, oh no, I'm just not that good, you know, they wouldn't want me.

[Francie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good point. You know, it's funny, I just spent the last week in Boston at the world championships of figure skating and it was unbelievable because I also saw the process that a lot of world class athletes and honest God, these are the athletes from all over the world that they're best in their country or they wouldn't been there. But the, the drive of working harder and showing up and Being more than enough really got in the way of people giving their best performances. So what I'm really fascinated about hearing your opinion on is, you know, we always say trust your training. And, you know, your body will. Will do what it does on autopilot when you've trained it to the point where then you can just work and focus on the mental aspect of being prepared, seeking neutral, finding the best way to activate yourself to that you so that you can perform in the moment. Yet the ones that didn't do well were the ones that a couldn't trust their training. So they went over and above into their performance. And what was so funny about it is that they made mistakes and that's where the failure came in. So I think there's a loop somewhere in there about, you know, the preparation. Like I always say that the world championships and the big competitions are the celebration of the preparation. It's the moment where you get to shine because you put eight, 10 months into doing that. And whether you're striving around not enough or striving around, you know, and some of the skaters really aren't that super talented, but they want it so bad that they bust through what it is to become enough. But then there's that tipping point where some of them will go, okay, well, obviously I can't trust my training. I'm never going to be enough. So they get into this other hyperdrive mode, and then it proves that they're not enough because they made mistakes. Is that interesting?

[Patrick Hanlon]

You said something that really tweaked it right, is that sometimes we have the story of we're not enough. So what we'll do is we dig into our past or we'll imagine the future, because the future is only ever imagined. But we imagine the future and we tap into the past, we bring them together in the present to actually verify that. No, based on my past and probably what's going to happen. I'm not good enough.

[Francie]

Yeah.

[Patrick Hanlon]

You follow?

[Francie]

I do.

[Patrick Hanlon]

And so these are, you know, just moments in time where it'll get in our way, where we don't want to take that chance or we don't, we'll consider it a risk, or we don't want to put ourselves out there, you know, and maybe some of the reason we don't put ourselves out there back to what it could have happened, you know, as a young person, is you did something, you tried something, and you got laughed at. Maybe it was a family member laughed at you, your friends laughed at you. So you have evidence that says you're not good enough, you're not smart enough, you're not enough, whatever the story is around it. And so some of that is based on environment. So I want to just share this next parable. I want to share this. I wasn't going to, but I think I will because there's a fundamental is that I believe that if you're listening to this podcast, you actually have had the experience or know of the experience where you're not enough. Where we have these self. I don't know what the word is critical thinking of where we're not, you know, where we're dumb or we're again, not good enough, not tall enough, not smart enough, not worthy enough. We're not, you know, we're not worthy. I think that's another one. But let me just share this with you because I think it'll open up a door of thought process. So once upon a time, a farmer in his field found an eagle's egg where a tree that an eagle had nested in got struck by lightning. He found the one surviving egg and he took it home. And he didn't want to lose. And, you know, he's hoping the egg would hatch and he put it in with his his hands. So the egg went on to hatch and the baby eagle grew up alongside the chicks. And right from the very beginning, the eagle did what the other chicks did. It scratched the dirt for seeds and worms and feed. It clucked, it pecked, it did all the things that chickens do, and it was never quite comfortable, but it always continued to do what it did. Many years passed and the eagle grew a little older. And one day it looked up and saw a magnificent bird soaring high above the sky. All the other chickens ran, but it watched in awe. And as this bird was just kind of effortlessly gliding. And after the dust settled and all the chickens came back out, it looked around and said, what was that? And the chicken said, that's an eagle. It's the king of the skies. But don't give it any other thought. You and I are just chickens. And so the ego lived and died as a chicken, because what it believed, or what he believed is that's what he was.

[Francie]

That makes me so sad. I thought you were going to say that he found out that he was an eagle and he soared out to new heights. Dude, you let me down there.

[Patrick Hanlon]

What can I tell you? So the point of it is that.

[Francie]

Lyndon died as a chicken?

[Patrick Hanlon]

Yeah, he died as a chicken. The whole time thinking he was a chicken. I know it's a sad story. It's a sad story, isn't it? The point of it is that it could have been a happy ending. It could have been, ah, well, if he can do it, I can do it too. But he didn't do that. And I think, you know, at the end of the day, we have to look at where we are today, look around and say he, the one thing that this eagle didn't feel comfortable with was, you know, he wasn't really designed to pet, you know, like he was, you know, they have, you know, way sharper beaks and they're, you know, totally different design. He didn't question it and he stayed within that environment and became the eagle chicken. The point of this whole ridiculous story was that it was the environment that molded him. And well, hey, I have a question.

[Francie]

I have a question. Do you think his little chicken brothers and sisters, or chicken sisters and rooster brothers, like, were saying, you're just a chicken and you're. And they knew he was an eagle and they were trying to keep him down?

[Patrick Hanlon]

No, I don't think that's the way the story goes. I think ultimately what they were telling him was that he was a chicken and he believed them. And if anything, they loved him for the way he was because he was the weirdest looking chicken they'd ever seen.

[Francie]

That was awesome.

[Patrick Hanlon]

They are very accepting. The point of it is he never blossomed into the ego that he could have been because he was status quo in his environment. And although it wasn't comfortable for him, he didn't question it. And he never, ever grew into and became what he could have become. He didn't reflect and say, I'm more than all of this. And he believed the story of I'm a chicken.

[Francie]

And how many times have I heard the story of, you know, I have to put family first. I can't leave, they need me. I, I am, I'm just, you know, the, the line that I hear a lot is, you know, somebody's dad or somebody's uncle or said if they expressed a goal or a dream, they go, well, don't you just think you're bigger than your britches? You know? And I think those kinds of responses to the, you know, the eagle and the family of chickens can really shut people down. And, and I'm really glad that I was a bit of a black sheep and a bit of an eagle, but I had a family like a nuclear family, like my mom, my dad and my brother who just believed the shit out of me. Like they, I couldn't do any wrong. And even when I was screwing up, I was, you know, they would find a way to say, okay, where's the lesson in that? What's the feedback? What do you need to learn from that? Who do you have to say sorry to? What do you have to like, there was this process and then just, you know, as I get older, I just really appreciate the people in my life that, you know, stopped me and said, stop that, stop talking like that. You know, you are an eagle. Keep going, keep going. And I wonder if, you know, from a self reflection standpoint, if we say, okay, well, why get this, okay, I'm going to say something really that may not make sense, but sometimes when I'm working with an athlete, especially because I work a lot of, with French Canadian and French, you know, Parisian French people, and they, in their language, why is porquois pourquoi? So every time I would really have to breakthrough or dissolve, an athlete's seeking the why? Why am I like this? Why can't I land this jump? Why can't I do this? Why can't I do this Twizzle?

[Patrick Hanlon]

Why?

[Francie]

Why, why, why? Why? Sometimes I'll just pause and go. And they go, what? I go, does that just sound like a chicken when you say why all the time? Parqua. It sounds like a chicken to me. And they go, oh my God, what am I afraid of? I go, well, in this environment, I think you're afraid of looking at the truth and the feedback of what it is. You don't need to look in the past and know why you can't do a jump. Let's just figure out why you can do the jump. You're not a chicken. And every time I, sometimes I'll just whisper when an athlete's doing, I'll go. And they're like, oh, yeah, got it. Don't need to know why.

[Patrick Hanlon]

I would say something just because that's really annoying. So I would want you that drive.

[Francie]

Them crazy when I do that. But it also brings them back to the reality of, in some ways, I get it. Self reflection is not always about knowing why. You don't have to go back to the exact time and the exact place and understand why and who said it and what their intention was. Because our past is not real. It's gone. It's so gone. It's not even like, it's not even a thing for like in my coaching anyway, I'm like, there is no past, man. So let's, we don't need to know why. Let's Deal with what is. And. And I call it, my business is. No, your isness is my business. Right. And your isness is in this moment.

[Patrick Hanlon]

Yeah, and you're right. I don't think knowing why is. It can be helpful, though. But I don't think it needs to be the reason that you don't move forward. So in other words, it becomes an.

[Francie]

Excuse sometimes, like we talked about.

[Patrick Hanlon]

Yeah, that's what I'm suggesting is don't. It's not an excuse. It's like. But when you find out, it's like, ah, that's where it's from. The bigger, I think, again, the bigger question is that, you know, you're asking yourself if you're not where you want to be, and then you have to ask yourself, where am I in my way? What is the story I'm telling myself? And that will often lead back to the conversation of where you believe you're not enough. And I often will use the example of, you know, over the 25 years, I think about the dozens of speakers that we've had on our stage of individuals who have never been on stage speaking, and with a little bit of coaching, and they were literally going into it, going, I'm not a speaker. I don't know why this is not comfortable. I can't do this. And by encouraging them, they do it. And the next thing you know, you know, years down the road, you see them and they're actually great speakers, but they had a story where they weren't interesting enough, not good enough to get on stage and speak, not professional enough. What do I know? I mean, there's lots of people that know as much as me. You know, there's all sorts of things that we can tell stories about why we're not going to do something, and it's going to be linked to where you believe you're not enough of something. And that is what's going to hold you back. So as I wrap this segment up, my only comment around is, what's in your way of having what you say you want? And is there a story that you're telling yourself that you're not enough of something, whatever that enough is for you. And that is what I think my whole point of this podcast is. I could have opened with that and you would have been done.

[Francie]

Well, you didn't. And we went around in a couple of different circles, and I'm glad we did, because, you know, when you think about being enough, sometimes there is just a place where you don't. You. You have to stop trying to prove yourself that you're enough because a, it irritates people when you're proving yourself or trying to prove yourself or get your point across or forcing yourself. You know, there's that whole power versus force thing. And if you don't get that you're actually powerful and you're trying to force yourself into a conversation or force yourself to want something that maybe you don't really want, then there's an energy that doesn't align, I think, with purpose. And I think I'd like for one of the next podcasts is really talk about where that lives in terms of what gets in the way of living our highest purpose. Because you can fight and work and train and, and give and give and give and finally win or finally get the deal or finally get the guy or whatever. And then there's the whole, do you love me now? Do you love me now? Am I enough? Will I ever be enough? So when I think about enoughness, I look at you and I go, oh my gosh, you've been so more than enough for me and my life and my support team and who you are. And the fact that we're having this podcast really brings up that, you know, I think we all, as people who are working towards being our best and doing the best that we can as long as we're on the journey going forward. Because there is no past and there's certainly some lots of fear and anxiety if you look, if you jump over yourself and try to get into the future. But in the moment, ask yourself, am I enough? And when you get to the yes, yes, I'm enough, it's enough. Who I am is enough. What I have around me is enough. It gets really quiet and I think it's really powerful.

[Patrick Hanlon]

And to all our listeners, Stephanie and I, 100% believe you are enough. Go out and be that. That's right, Stephanie. Thank you.

[Francie]

Thank you, hon. That was fun.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. If you found value in the podcast, please take the time to rate and review and share with others. Share with your friends as it is my goal to always improve and to provide the highest value for you, the listener. If you have any comments, suggestions or questions you'd like answered, please email [e-mail] that's C E O R E I N Canada.com I look forward to hearing from you and until next time.

[Patrick Hanlon]

Time.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Patrick.

[Patrick Hanlon]

Oh.