← The Everyday Millionaire and Mindset Matters Podcast
The Everyday Millionaire and Mindset Matters Podcast
Mindset Matters - Episode #190 - Are We Messing Up Our Kids? Mindset Matters on Modern Parenting Mistakes
00:38:12
Loading summary
Transcript49 lines
- [00:01]
Stephanie Hanlon
Plantas plantas y mas plantas and country, farm and garden a key mismo in Yakima and la venida Washington des de los pimientos mas picantes del mundo Asa las flores mace hermosas lot tenemos todo calatisado, jalapeno Roma y super chile en existencia todo los dias un paquete de cuatro vegetales cuesta solo tres dolores conventin, nueves and tabos bena country farm and garden para todo tus vegetales, tomates, sebollas, pimientos y pepinos, siempre and existencia and country farm and garden and avanede watchen and yakima foreign.
- [00:35]
Patrick
Welcome to this episode of the Everyday Millionaire Mindset Matters podcast where I'm joined by my wife, Olympic mental performance coach Stephanie Hanlon. Francie in these episodes, Stephanie and I have a conversation about the different aspects of what we refer to as Mindset Matters because we believe that for those who are awake, we are living in and through the most impactful time and in history. Your view of the world is the filter for how you will experience the evolution and changing dynamics of it. Our intention is to provide you with ideas, nutritious food for thought, and some tools that you can use to help you in being your greatest self and living your best life. Listen in. Enjoy. Hey folks, welcome to Mindset Matters, where we challenge old belief systems, consider new perspectives and and help you design a life that aligns with who you are truly meant to be. Stephanie.
- [01:33]
Stephanie Hanlon
Hey, hon.
- [01:34]
Patrick
Okay, so an interesting topic in my world and could be a little bit. Got to be a little cautious with it. So I want to open with first and foremost, there's no judgment. We're only working through stuff, observations because we're going to be talking about kids and a bit of an epiphany I had. So you've worked with thousands of them. We both have. You more than me. But anyways, we're going to talk about children, people's children and the, you know, the whole mind shui way, you know, feng shui for the mind and how we get and how we get locked into our hidden beliefs. And let's just, I'll open it with that. How. How you do so far.
- [02:22]
Stephanie Hanlon
I think it's great and I think it's really cool that we're doing this kind of around Father's Day and really celebrating fathers, people who are raising children who maybe aren't fathers, people who have a male influence on other people. So I just want to acknowledge all the dads out there, including you, hon. I think you're a great dad and grandpa. And I'm so grateful to still have my dad, my 96 year old dad on the planet. And I think we'll break down some of the stuff that my parents did to help me, but also, as we all know, to mess us up.
- [02:56]
Patrick
That mess us up. Okay, let's get going. So, you know, I was out, I was listening to a podcast, doing some yard work and I listened to podcasts a lot and I would happen to be listening to the CEO and he was talking about what he does in his business and etc. Etc. It was really interesting. He's a bit of an. Not a bit. He is an influencer, very, very accomplished in business. Along the way he's sharing how he drives his team and how he shows up and what he does. And in his kind of diatribe of conversation, he said, nothing is more important than my children. And they're often, there's two people I take a call from, one is my wife and the other is my children and nobody else gets through to me. So that was kind of his way. And I understand that because I don't take many phone calls. I will take a call from you or of course from Aaron and all to say this, as I'm listening to this, I'm going, so who's to say, you know, like, your children are important? He's talking about if I'm in a boardroom and I'm in a board meeting, I'll take a call from my children and you know, so on and so forth. And I'm going, okay, well, that's an interesting way of operating and I understand the concept of it. But then it occurred to me, you know, when we break through in this podcast, we're often, and we've talked about the limiting beliefs that we have and, and what gets in our way as we get older is these limited beliefs. But the limiting beliefs that we have are primarily driven. And I can't give you data, but they are primarily driven by how we were raised. And you know, we talk about trauma and then as soon as you use the word trauma, people think, well, gosh, I didn't beat my kids and you know, I'm not emotionally, you know, doing whatever. But the reality of it is, is that we have the beliefs, many of the belief systems that we have, the hidden beliefs often that we have that we're not aware of because of how we were raised. Those conversations we've shared the story before, you know, a common one is, you know, money doesn't grow on trees. Well, if you're raised in an environment where the narrative is constantly, money doesn't grow on trees, it means that it potentially sets you up for a real lack mindset or the polar opposite of that, where everything is about money or the other one that we've shared on more than one occasion. If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all. Well, that, of course, then transpires into these beliefs that we operate on top of as we get into being an adult. So the context for this is, I think we're screwing up our kids. We continue to screw up our kids.
- [05:29]
Stephanie Hanlon
Well, if we don't yet, we will. We still have opportunities.
- [05:33]
Patrick
We still do. Okay, so this started, I remember, years ago sitting around a table and, you know, we were younger, far younger, didn't have family. And as young adults, we're bitching and complaining about how we were raised and how tough it was and how hard our parents were on us, and we'll never do that. And I'm going to open up the doors of opportunity for my kids. And then. So go ahead 25 years, and here's these parents. And at the time, I remember sitting at the table and there's probably six or eight people sitting around after dinner talking about and having conversations about how they were raised and all of the rest of it, and they weren't going to do it that way. And it was a tough life, and my dad spanked me and all sorts of stories. My point was, at the time I said, guys, I really get that. And of course, I have the same stories. But I have to ask, we should all ask ourselves, did we turn out that bad? So in spite of all of the things that we complain about, about what our parents did or did not do, did we turn out so bad? Then we go on to be parents and we say, well, we're not going to do it that way. Some of which we learn that, know, you don't really have a choice when it comes to kids. They. They kind of dictate some things, but other. And. And then other cases, you know, we overcompensate, perhaps. And right now, what we often are seeing is parents and I. Are they called helicopter parents? What are they called?
- [06:54]
Stephanie Hanlon
A lot of them are.
- [06:56]
Patrick
Yeah, where, you know, they don't want their kids to be hurt and, you know, competition is not good and they should be getting a medal for participation. And. And so there's a lot of things that you know, parents today that you've observed, especially in the sports industry where parents are, what would we say? Over.
- [07:16]
Stephanie Hanlon
Overprotective.
- [07:18]
Patrick
Overprotective. And they're afraid that their kids feelings are going to be hurt and you know, don't talk to them that way or her that way. So there's a lot of this that seems to go on now. I want to qualify something here and I think we need to qualify this. We haven't been, you know, we. Aaron's almost 40 years old so you know, let's face it, we haven't had to deal with it, but we are grandparents and we're observing for example, how Erin is raising her kids, homeschooling, you know, out in the country kind of work ethic. And then nieces and nephews who have traditional go to school and do their thing. Now it's all to say that as we try hard not to screw up our kids, we're screwing up our kids. You know, so as much as our parents screwed us up in whatever story you might have, and I, and I say that a little bit guarded, we're not all screwed up, but we have belief systems that were drilled into us as kids growing up. And it could be everything from work ethic to what you do for a career. Go to university, don't go to university, be an entrepreneur, don't be an entrepreneur. And there's a bell curve. I mean there's extremes on either end of that, but kind of let's stick in the middle of the bell curve. So being aware of how we speak to our children and how we consider how we're raising our children in this potentially overprotective world that we seem to be creating. And our observations are around kids work ethic or around kids attitudes. We're seeing it all of the time, the polarity, the divisiveness and all of the things that go along with it. So all to say that as much as we look at our own hidden beliefs as adults and we go, darn parents, you know, yes, that's what they used to say to me. And oh my gosh, you know, they, they over managed me or they hung me out to dry, whatever the stories are, and then we have these, these belief systems. But have we gone to the extreme a CEO going if my kids phone me and I'm in a board meeting, I'm going to take the call. No, he's very accomplished in business. So I'm not making it wrong, but I question it. I'm going, where do we have our kids? Face adversity. Where do we have our kids figure out the challenges? Including, to some degree, I was bullied in elementary school by a couple of kids. And back then, I remember talking to my mom about it and saying, I'm being bullied. Jody is his name. Was his name and his brother. And I was really bullied. And my mom said, well, see what you can do. Push back against Jody a little bit. And he was a tough guy. And she kind of guided me and said, I'll go talk to the teachers if you want. But she said, why don't you just stand up to Jody? And so it took a lot of bravery. And I remember standing in line, and he turned around, he was in front of me, and he started doing what Jody would do. And I finally challenged him, you know, physically. I. I said to him, I go, you know, like, I. I got up the courage. I didn't think I could beat him up. I thought I would get beat up, and I didn't want to get into a fight. But ultimately, I put the challenge on the line. I go, you know, whatever. I said. The point is, is he backed down. And at the end of the day, Jody and I became pretty good friends through elementary school. Now I think about that, and if my mom would have stepped in, intervened, would I have learned to face the challenge? Now, I'm not saying it's right or it's wrong, and bullying today is far different than what I dealt with. So I don't want to live into any kind of illusion that it's the same. But you follow, what I'm saying is that where do we as parents actually have conversations with our kids that encourages them to lean into a challenge? And I'm not talking specifically always about bullying, but I'm talking about any challenge. What's your thoughts?
- [11:18]
Stephanie Hanlon
Well, you know, I have a lot of compassion because I do see where that happens. And, you know, to have a parent say, hey, you know, let's stand up for yourself first, and then see how you do. To me, that's empowerment, and that's actually where confidence and resilience gets built. And I think what I've seen over the last couple of decades actually, is parents not wanting their children to stand up for themselves for fear of more bullying or more aggressiveness or whatever, but they're not teaching them that ability of self worth or to say, you know, this is okay. This isn't okay. And then it goes to the other extreme where, you know, sometimes I can't even hug. We weren't able to hug Our certain nieces and nephews, because, you know, the parents said no, you know, bodily autonomy, even though the kid wanted a hug, I can see if they didn't want to hug, right? So the parents stepping in to try to dictate or manage. I heard a quote not a long ago, because I was also fascinated by this, seeing the differences over the last four to five years of the hockey players and the figure skaters and the athletes I'm working with, sort of in that 12 to 17 year old range and the difference in their ability to handle resilience or their emotional regulation is just nowhere to be found anymore. And then as I was looking into it a little bit more, I heard somebody say, know parents, we think we're going to have so much influence on these little beings that were born and, you know, they got the qualities of 50% of mom, 50% of dad, or whatever it is. And he said they have 400,000 traits all of their own that they're going to manifest as they get older, regardless of if you homeschool or put them in traditional school, regardless if you teach them a boundary or don't teach them a boundary. 400,000 minimum traits that we have the minute we're born. So when I heard that, I went, oh, and yet so many parents think they're going to have all this influence on their children. And in some ways I think it's those boundaries and those barriers that we impose on kids from our own limiting beliefs that actually get in the way of them developing even a fraction of those 400,000 original, their original traits, by the way, something that comes from nowhere.
- [13:27]
Patrick
So let's riff off that a little bit because there's the metaphor that I'm sure you're familiar with, right? And it goes along the lines of when a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly, it goes through what is referred to chrysalis, chrysalis, stage. A chrysalis, chrysalis, chrysalis. Yes, you're right. Sorry, my bad. So, and during that, it's got a struggle to break free from the sac that it's born into or hatched into, whatever the phrase may be. So the point of it is, is that the struggle is absolutely essential because it helps the butterfly strengthen its wings so it can fly. And so what happens is, and they've proven this many times, if someone tries to help by breaking the chrysalis open, the butterfly's wing wings remain very weak, it can't fly properly. And so I think that the metaphor here is that in the same way, when we really shield our children, which seems to be anecdotally what is going on a lot from challenges. We are unintentionally keeping them from developing the resilience and the strength that they need to actually thrive in the real world. At some point, parents have to go away and kids are on their own. And if they're, if they haven't created the confidence, the resilience, the adversity quotient, you know, how do they face adversity? So, you know, it's all to say that as parents, I think we have to be mindful. Yes, we need to protect them and we need to provide for them and we need to feed them. And it's not like throwing them in with the wolves and saying, how do you make out? But we need to keep them safe. A lot of parents we've learned and witnessed is that they want to be their kids best friends.
- [15:11]
Stephanie Hanlon
Ouch. Yeah, I see that.
- [15:13]
Patrick
Right. And so we have seen and witnessed and in our world, based on a lot of the work that we've done over the years with young athletes as an example, is that by not challenging them, they don't develop the skills to be and work on a team, for example. So let me give you an example. My own personal. So when I was, I wasn't even that young. Like I know in, when I was in elementary and really in those developmental years, I was quite an athletic kid. And then I got into junior high school, I went through this phase, you know, as you kind of go through maturity, I went through this phase of being a little chubby or maybe a lot chubby. Either way, I wasn't as athletic. The point is, is that, you know how they do that thing, we're going to play football, pick a team, pick your teams. So everybody stands around two captains and they pick, pick, pick. And so at some point you get. I got picked last a couple of times now that could have shut me down. I could have gone home and said, we keep getting picked last on the team. I might have actually, I may have even said that. And knowing my dad said, well, suck it up, like you got to be better. And so at some level my story became, I've got to be better so that I get picked first.
- [16:29]
Stephanie Hanlon
Right.
- [16:30]
Patrick
The point is that if my parents would have phoned the school or talked to the phys ed teacher and said, you know, you're hurting my son's feelings because your way you are setting up, you know, he's being left to be picked last. Well, that's not fair or Whatever the story might be, that's didn't help. Wouldn't have helped me develop my own thought process of leaning into that challenge being better. How do I get picked first? What do I got to do? You know, do I got to buy the team captain a chocolate bar or.
- [17:02]
Stephanie Hanlon
Or just get better or get better.
- [17:04]
Patrick
Right, get better. Either way, I had adversity. I had to face it. I don't know that I bought them off. I don't think I did. But my point is that it would have been a good. Gosh, I wish I would have known that strategy back then. So the point is that as adults we have these hidden beliefs. Let's just go back then I'm not worthy is a common one. And there's all sorts of things that kind of lay the groundwork for that narrative. I'm not enough. And these are simple little things that often within how our parents bring us up unintentionally, they set us up to believe that we don't matter. You know, there are things that are more important and. Or question.
- [17:44]
Stephanie Hanlon
I don't just put a pin in that for a second, cowboy. So go back to your story about the CEO taking the call from his kid.
- [17:49]
Patrick
Yeah.
- [17:50]
Stephanie Hanlon
You don't know his belief system in that regard. It could be that child. Or those children will know. They're always going to matter to their dad. If you think about it. Yes. You know, stop the meeting, stop the meeting. My 9 year old's calling me. And maybe because he's developed whatever credibility he has on his teams and people know that's one of his boundaries. Because that's all you have to do is express that as a boundary or an expectation. What I just thought of this. What if those kids are raised knowing that their dad is always going to be there for them.
- [18:22]
Patrick
Okay, great. So this is a great discussion, isn't it? Because. Because I look at it and I go, let's say it is a nine year old. So let's say it is your nine year old and your nine year old is going to be with another adult. Your 9 year old isn't hanging around the house by themselves. Highly unlikely, especially if you're that CEO. But the nine year old fighting with his sister and. Or wants pizza and the nanny or whoever.
- [18:44]
Stephanie Hanlon
Or maybe wants to tell his dad something really cool that happened today.
- [18:47]
Patrick
Maybe. But where do you. Okay, if that's the case. So let's just run some scenarios. So if the child, on a more simple term is saying, okay, well, you know, the nanny or my babysitter or whatever we call them wants to, you know, I want pizza and they want me to have a salad. I want to talk to dad. So I phoned dad in the middle of a CEO or in the middle of a meeting, which the nine year old doesn't know that, but dad takes the call. So what did the child learn about facing adversity? I don't have to face adversity. I don't have to negotiate. I don't have to learn to negotiate. I don't have to, you know, live in these boundaries called eat right and pizza is not the right food right at the moment, whatever that might be. How do I deal with that? That I can just phone dad and dad's going to pick up the phone and solve all my problems. That's the other side of that equation. Okay, and, or does dad say instead, create boundaries and go, you know, there are times where I'll take your car call and other times I'm not going to take your call. So there's also learning about boundaries. So I think that this is the kind of fundamental is that as parents it's not, listen, we're all doing the best we can. We love our children, we want what's best for our children. Our responsibility, I think as parents is to gain the awareness, to have the awareness of how we're interacting with our children so that they're actually developing certain life skills. How do you be on a team? How do you work with other people? How do you face adversity? Do you understand that? I remember. Ah, gosh, I don't remember his name. Doesn't matter. It'll maybe come to me. Point is, he shared a story with his seven year old daughter. They were on a vacation and she said, dad, I want to go to the slide. I want to go down the slide, I want to go down the slide. And he was, she was pestering him because they were on vacation and at the pool and she wanted to go down this big slide. She gets to the top of the slide and she goes, dad, I'm too scared, I can't do it. And he's at the bottom and he said, well, you've got a problem. He says, you've got to come down the slide. That's what you said you wanted. She goes, I don't want to go down the slide. And he goes, okay, well then come back down the stairs. She goes, well, I don't want, I need your help. He goes, no, you don't need my help. You need to come down the slide or walk down the stairs. And he literally, I don't remember what the condition was, but he said, if you don't come down the slide and come down the stairs. Xyz. So in other words, you asked to be on the slide. I went out of my way to accommodate that. Figure it out. That's awesome, right? Exactly. He didn't say, okay. Oh yeah, I get it. You're scared. I'll come get you. I'll save you. So I don't know the answer to all this. It's really how we parent and how people parent. Who knows the answer? Listen, the point is, is our parents, our parents screwed us up at some level. And you know, and, and we can blame our parents for a lot of things, but guess what, don't worry, you're doing the same with your kids. And even though you think you're not. So the point of, I guess this conversation in my world is to bring attention to the fact that our hidden beliefs that we talk about, you know, the mind shui, wei feng shui for the mind is to consider our own thought processes and what we're operating top on top of hidden beliefs. Many of those hidden beliefs came from how we were raised. It wasn't intentional, it was circumstances. It was all of the things that get in our way of being the best version of ourselves. Accomplishing some of the goals that we dream about, that we tell ourselves, oh, I'm not smart enough, I'm not worthy, I'm, you know, I, I can't, I'm not good looking enough. All the not enough stories and all those hidden beliefs that we have. And when we start to realize that we can then maybe be more mindful or thoughtful of the challenges that we give our children so that they in fact develop the skills to move into society as young adults and ultimately adults that can solve problems, create relationships, understand values, not just moral values. Like I wish my dad would have taught me about our values, our core values. And starting to enter conversations about who I'm being and why I'm being that way.
- [23:21]
Stephanie Hanlon
Yeah. I think when you think about our generation and back like we're boomers and we're going to be blamed for everything, just FYI.
- [23:28]
Patrick
Now we are. Yeah, right.
- [23:30]
Stephanie Hanlon
But I look back and you think about an adversity thing. And I remember and I actually this is one of my very first memories as a kid. My family was at Radium Hot Springs on a vacation and I was swimming. I was probably two or three or four years old and I was already learning how to swim and all this stuff, and it was packed. And I remember there was a moment where I knew my mom and dad were watching, and my little brother. My mom had my little brother Michael. And my dad was watching me, and I almost. I went down and I came up and I went down and I came up and I got really scared, and I felt like I was drowning. And so my dad finally, you know, watched me struggle for a bit. I'm four years old, right? He goes out and he gets me, picks me up, turns around, looks at my mom. She nods. And he threw me back in the water. And guess what I learned? How to dog paddle.
- [24:21]
Patrick
Yeah. No wonder you're so messed up. But you're a good swimmer.
- [24:23]
Stephanie Hanlon
Okay, about that for a sec. Throw them back in like it was a safe environment. If he would have coddled me and pulled me out and said, it's okay and you don't have to go back in. But he knew, and he had lost a brother to drowning, which I didn't know at the time, of course, because I was four, that if I didn't learn to swim, if I was afraid. Going to be afraid of water in that moment, because he pulled me out, I would always be afraid of water. Somehow in his brain, he knew that. So I'm thinking from to your point of all of this, whether it's the CEO or, you know, being bullied or whatever, is where our parents stop in believing in how they're raising us is going to be good enough. Trusting their parenting skills. So think about it. My dad didn't think twice when he threw me back in the water. He knew he was there. He knew my mom was there. He knew there was a lifeguard there. He knew it was going to be safe, that he was going to be. But in that moment, how did he know that had he not thrown me back in? Which I've seen now since. People that have fallen in skating, fallen in the water, and now they're afraid of swimming or they're afraid of skating, or they're afraid because there was a moment that log that kind of locks into their cells where they weren't kind of proving to themselves that they could actually handle the challenge or the adversity or the mistake. Because people that don't overcome their mistakes in that moment or they don't try another slap shot or they don't get back in the batting cage, and they just don't, you know, they strike out, strike out, strike out. They're not building those skills. And I think the parents that have the best Intentions like my dad. The story that they told after that, because we were there with a couple of other families, my dad was really criticized for doing that. For throwing me back in the water.
- [26:08]
Patrick
Sure, yeah. Yeah. Well, let's just kind of give this some layers of context, you know. So I've interviewed hundreds now of seemingly ordinary individuals who achieved extraordinary results. And I hear often the story from my guests on the Everyday Millionaire podcast that they have different versions of, you know, because I always like to unpack. You know, what was it like growing up? Were your parents entrepreneurial? You know, were they. Did they work for a living in a job? Like, where did you get your entrepreneurial spirit from? Blah, blah, blah. And I always have those conversations. But I've had many guests say that my parents were so supportive. Like, I didn't think I could do anything wrong. And whatever I took on, they said, go for it, and I would screw up and they'd go, too bad, you know, like, try again. Like, they just kept throwing me and throwing me in, throwing me in. And they were supportive, probably to a fault. You know, that's one side of the story. So these guys just go on, go on. I can do this. But their. One thing that they share is that their parents were there if they were in danger or things were really going to go off the rails. You know, I go back, I remember as a kid, I wanted to go mow my neighbor's lawn, and they're going to pay me 50 cents for mowing the lawn. I go, wow. So I run home to dad. I go, dad, I'm going to get. I'm going to go mow the neighbor's lawn. He's going to pay me 50 cents. I need to use the lawnmower. And my dad goes, no problem. Right? And so. But he walks me down to my neighbors, number one, to make sure that my neighbor is going to pay me that 50 cents. Because it was big money back then, right? Anyways, all 50 cents of it. But he hung out just off to the side a little bit. It was like he was doing some yard work in the front. But he's really keeping his eye on me to make sure that I wasn't bugging up my neighbor's lawn because I was still young, but I'd mowed our lawn. I was capable. And so. But he was keeping an eye on it, right? It's a lawnmower. I'm young. I don't know, it's probably 11 somewhere in that age range. And so he's just keeping an eye on me now. He let me finish the job, do the whole thing. I collected my 50 cents. I had to go back and wash off the lawnmower. He made me clean it up, and I'm going, this sucks. How come you're not doing this? That kind of stuff, all the things that kids do. The point is, is he was very supportive of it, but he was there on the kind of the peripheral in case I should get into trouble, you know, maybe start mowing down trees or something. Don't go there. So the point is, is that there's that side of it, and then there's those stories that I get where, you know, divorced parents abuse all the rest of it. So they go to the other extreme, which goes, you know, I didn't have any choice. It was all I could do. I had to survive. Now, as a kid, you can. And as even a young adult, you can be critical of your parents. You can do all the things that they did and they didn't do. But how did you evolve and develop as a human being because of those adversities, because of those challenges. So that's all to say that I think as parents, it's more about being mindful, number one, how you raise your kids. And I'm not giving parenting advice. Again, I'm not qualified. But as we examine ourselves, as we examine our own thought processes and the things that get in our way and what we're operating on top of, and how do we actually lean into and become the best version of ourselves and achieve the dreams that we have to. We have to unpack the stories that we tell ourselves, those hidden belief systems. But as we are raising our children to keep that in mind, is that. Are you being an overprotective parent? Are you trying to be their friend or your job as a parent is to. What boundaries, rules like, keep them safe. That's the key. And safe from not only the outside world of all the shit that's going on sometimes, but also safe within their own world of there's. Safe from the outside world, but safe and. And where they can actually test their own.
- [30:13]
Stephanie Hanlon
Know themselves. They know what their. Their values are, their boundaries. They know what they're capable of. They know that they're willing to get back up after they've fallen down and without having to look around and look for, you know, somebody to rescue them. I think for young girls, that's. That's such a key key point, you know, is that we learn early on that we can trust ourselves and we can trust our instincts. And my mom always said, you know, you're gonna learn how to be a woman from how your dad treats me. What? Because I always thought I was gonna learn how to be a woman from women. And, you know, and then I got to be around that certain age, and I would see how my dad treated my mom, and I was like, this is really wild. Like, they had such an interesting, respectful relationship where they could change roles. There was not one gender. And, like, mom did this and dad did that. And then she said to me, you're going to choose a man based on how you see your dad treating me and what my boundaries are and what I allow.
- [31:12]
Patrick
But just to interrupt that a little bit and get on that train of thought, you know, we discovered years ago and a lot of research we did. And then, of course, we came to realize that men learn how to treat women not from their dad, but from their mom. Right. And the psychology of that is that, however your father. Like, if I'm a man, how my dad treats my mom sets the tone for how I. We think. Sets the tone for how I treat you as a wife or women in general, when, in fact, we learn it from our mom and what our mom will put up with. And so we know for a fact that this is. Data shows this. For example, if you are raised. If a man, a young man is raised. The boy is raised in a family where the father physically abuses his mom. Yeah. The mom saying, okay, it's okay. So dad beats mom, slaps or whatever the story is. The son sees that if mom lives with it, puts up with it. Okay. At some psychological level, it's okay. You can treat women that way where as if mom goes, dude, you do that, and I'm out. Yeah, okay. And she may actually physically leave the home. The son goes, whoa, you don't be doing that to women. So that's kind of an extreme example. But how women put up with their husband's. Whatever it might be, how they. How they are okay to be treated, is how sons see it. And they will, in fact, treat women that way. To your point, young girls have a tendency to marry some version of their dad.
- [32:59]
Stephanie Hanlon
So true.
- [33:00]
Patrick
Or the polar opposite. They'll often go, you know, my dad was. No, I want the polar opposite of who my dad was. So there's. It's a lot of psychology in it, which just is only shining a light on the fact that being a parent, it takes a lot of responsibility, which is not the point of this particular conversation. Actually. The point of this particular.
- [33:22]
Stephanie Hanlon
It does. It's a Big job. And I misinterpreted something my mom said back in the day. She said, you know, being a parent is the hardest job in the world. And I heard that as, oh, my God, I don't want to be a parent. I don't want to work that hard. But what she meant, and we got to this later on, is that it's the most important job in the world, and I love it.
- [33:43]
Patrick
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hence, we talk about. And understanding ourselves as adults, as parents, as human beings, knowing that we carry around this whole story about, I was treated so crappy and my kid. My parents did this. They did so many things. Awesome. But there was this part and this part and this part. I'm never going to do that to my kids. And then we just have to step back from that thought process. May be totally appropriate, by the way, but we also have to step back from that thought process and go, what did that adversity, whatever it might have been, whatever your story of adversity is, who would you be if you didn't have to live through that? And it's what helped you develop into the person you are today. And unless you really, really hate yourself, it's probably not so bad.
- [34:32]
Stephanie Hanlon
Yeah, I really appreciate this conversation. And I realize, you know, you look down into the circling back to the conversation about me working with thousands of kids is what an honor it has to be to be trusted and to be chosen by a family. To have a family say, you know what? We need a female mentor. We want a powerful woman to help our daughter grow and step into her life as a woman. And I've had parents say, and we're not that. You know, I remember also talking to a girlfriend of mine who's a musician and an artist. She goes, if I ever had a kid, chances are it would be an athlete. And I would have. I would need you to help me raise that. So I guess that's really where I take my role as, you know, a mentor or as somebody who could be a role model for somebody as you do, to. To not impose our values, but to actually create an opportunity to help the family see a different side, you know, See a different. You know, because if you're aware, if you have the awareness as a parent that know what your limitations are and maybe even what your limiting beliefs are, and you see somebody that could be a role model, approach that person, ask them if they have the time or the capacity to help you. Because I know when I've done that over the years, I've had a Moment in time like you had with Jesse, your little brother, and the little brother, big, big sister, little sister program. And I've had that opportunity, and I think now there's less and less families that are looking outside for mentorship, thinking they have to do it alone or they should be able to handle this whole thing alone, and they don' look outside for mentorship or other. And I just really would invite parents to look at, you know, look at your children as not an extension of yourself, but as a contributing member of society, and what lessons do you want them to learn?
- [36:20]
Patrick
So true. And the. The point, I guess I. For this particular episode, you know, I think my goal was to, you know, shine a light on the fact that, you know, we want to teach our kids, but our job really is to keep them safe, create boundaries, share with them how to, you know, interact in society. You know, create believing. Yeah, believe it. And not only the moral values of whatever societal kind of norms you see, and culturally even, but also that changes things, but also, you know, just in the. In the. In the aspect of being aware that, you know, as much as we say we don't want to ever do that to our kids, what our parents did to us, we have to ask ourselves the question, you know, what are we operating on top of? What is the hidden beliefs that we have? And did you turn out so bad?
- [37:11]
Stephanie Hanlon
Right.
- [37:12]
Patrick
You know, these challenges that we've faced growing up are all part of our journey in being the human beings that we are, which is not an easy job. That's what I got.
- [37:22]
Stephanie Hanlon
Neither is being a parent.
- [37:24]
Patrick
Yeah. Okay. I think we'll call that a wrap. Anything else you want to finish up with?
- [37:30]
Stephanie Hanlon
No, Just to acknowledge all the parents out there in whatever version or role you are in a child's life or children's life, just take a step back and know that you are appreciated. And they're going to be amazing, regardless of what they have. 400,000 traits.
- [37:46]
Patrick
Well, you know, there's the other side of that, too, right? Is that they grow up and, you know, maybe you've got. You come from a overprotective family. That's part of their journey as well. So there you go. They'll figure it out, and they'll turn out to be human beings as well. Oh, boy. So complicated, isn't it?
- [38:02]
Stephanie Hanlon
It was so fun. Thanks, hon.
- [38:06]
Patrick
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. If you found value in the podcast, please take the time to rate and review and share with others. Share with your friends. As it is my goal to always improve and to provide the highest value for you, the listener. If you have any comments, suggestions or questions you'd like answered, please email me@ceoaincanada.com that's ceors eincanada.com I look forward to hearing from you and until next time. Patrick oh.
- [38:45]
C
This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. You know when you're really stressed or not feeling so great about your life or about yourself, talking to someone who understands can really help. But who is that person? How do you find them? Where do you even start? Talkspace Talkspace makes it easy to get the support you need. With Talkspace, you can go online, answer a few questions about your preferences, and be matched with a therapist. And because you'll meet your therapist online, you don't have to take time off work or arrange childcare. You'll meet on your schedule, wherever you feel most at ease. If you're depressed, stressed, struggling with a relationship, or if you want some counseling for you and your partner or just need a little extra one on one support, Talkspace is here for you. Plus, Talkspace works with most major insurers and most insured members have a $0 copay. No insurance, no problem. Now get $80 off of your first month with promo code SPACE80 when you go to talkspace.com match with a licensed therapist today at talkspace. Com. Save $80 with code SPACE80@talkspace.com.