← The Everyday Millionaire and Mindset Matters Podcast
The Everyday Millionaire and Mindset Matters Podcast
Mindset Matters - Episode #192 - I’m Not Enough? The Hidden Belief Blocking Your Purpose
00:46:09
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- [00:00]
Patrick O.
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- [00:36]
Franci Hanlon
Hi there, and welcome to this episode of the Everyday Millionaire Mindset Matters podcast, where I'm joined by my wife, Olympic mental performance coach Stephanie Hanlon. Franci. In these episodes, Stephanie and I have a conversation about the different aspects of what we refer to as mindset matters because we believe that for those who are awake, we are living in and through the most impactful time and in history. Your view of the world is the filter for how you will experience the evolution and changing dynamics of it. Our intention is to provide you with ideas, nutritious food for thought, and some tools that you can use to help you in being your greatest self and living your best life. Listen in, enjoy. Hey there, and welcome to Mindset Matters, where we challenge old belief systems, consider new perspectives, and help you design a life that aligns with who you are truly meant to be. How's that?
- [01:36]
Stephanie Hanlon
That's good. Hey. Hi, hon. I love your T shirt. I hope all the people that are listening could see your T shirt, but if they're not on YouTube, they don't see it.
- [01:44]
Franci Hanlon
It's very nice. It's bearded. Bearded hooligan.
- [01:47]
Stephanie Hanlon
Yeah, that's one's company, right? Your trainer? Our trainer. He used to be my trainer.
- [01:53]
Franci Hanlon
I got a new friend. Okay. So we got a few things to talk about. So health, freedom, and purpose. I want to connect the dots, and I have a couple of quotes that kind of showed up for me, and that is that you don't need to find purpose. You need to clear the noise so it can find you.
- [02:15]
Stephanie Hanlon
Oh, zing. Slow down, cowboy. Say that again.
- [02:19]
Franci Hanlon
Yeah, it came to me in a meditation, right? Which is, you don't need to find purpose. You need to clear the noise so it can find you.
- [02:28]
Stephanie Hanlon
That's beautiful.
- [02:29]
Franci Hanlon
And that clarity doesn't come from searching harder. It comes from clearing what's in the way. You know, we talk about clarity equals velocity. It's one of the themes, and we just keep getting there. But intellectually, we understand it. You know, like, you say that to somebody and they go, well, that's a really cool saying. I get that. But this goes back to an old coach of ours, Anurag Gupta. And, you know, you say clarity equals velocity, and people go, got it. And then he would, in that instance, go, tell me, what did you get? And you go, well, you know, I like. I get it. Clarity equals velocity. Okay, well, how do you get clear? There's so many layers. And this is the whole point of that kind of phrase is understanding that to gain the velocity, you need to get clarity. But clarity doesn't come easily. You have to say, what do I want to be clear about? So let me give it another layer of context. So when we talk about health, you know, the first thing that goes into most. Most people's mind is the physical health. That's generally what it is. They may go into mental health. That's a common term, right? Physical health, mental health. Those are kind of things that show up and are quite common. And then when we think about freedom, well, if you ask somebody what freedom means, they often will connect. Financial freedom, you know, if I have enough money, I'm free. But we know, and we've heard the stories, that isn't true. You know, there's billionaires out there who are just a fricking shit show. Then they. And they're not happy, and they don't feel freedom at all. And then within our world and even on our own journey, we're always. I don't want to say we're always. That's. That's an absolute, and that's not the case. But we've come to the conclusion many years ago, and as we've done all this work over the past several years, we get to what our purpose and what our mission is. So we understand that. Yet many of our clients are looking for purpose. And so I don't want to minimize how difficult that can be to find that. But ultimately, purpose in, you know, for human beings is being a contribution, being significance, having significance in other people's lives, making a difference. The minute it's all about you all of the time, that's where depression kicks in. Unfulfillment kicks, you know, being. Feeling unfulfilled. So those are. We'll get into that a little bit more. But I want to add one thing. And, you know, when we think about clarity, and this was. We just had this discussion the other day with JJ when we were talking about the most common thing and the most common hidden belief, that's not so hidden, and that is, I'm not enough and a good friend of mine, Jaz Takar, has he, like, went on, he's got a whole brand built around you are enough. He's got T shirts. I got one of his hoodies. You are enough. So we know that intellectually, like, we, we in our, in our own mind know that we are enough, but we operate in a story that we're not enough. And then what we got to in this conversation and have gotten to several times is that. And we talked about it on one of our podcasts, which is I'm not worthy. So here's what showed up for me when a friend, a client, a listener had reached out. Thinking, knowing that she is enough, but feeling like I'm not enough. And because of the journey that you were recently on in the realization that you know you're enough and you don't operate on top of I'm not enough. But the hidden underneath I'm not enough is I'm not worthy. I just got to that like a little while ago. So you following my train of thought there?
- [06:30]
Stephanie Hanlon
Yeah, totally. It's super sneaky, right? I showed up as we were talking about generosity recently and again with Jayden, and she came out for a meeting and we're going through this whole thing and we're talking about generosity, and I'm like. And she's like, you're so overly generous. And it hit me between the eyes. And I went, you know what? I think sometimes this overly generous thing is a cover for whatever the hidden belief is. And what it drilled down to was that I'm not enough. Or maybe I have to give more in order to prove myself.
- [07:02]
Franci Hanlon
No, you're not worthy.
- [07:04]
Stephanie Hanlon
Oh my God. And this age and this stage of my life, for me to get that at this point, it just popped open. And you should see the, the money and the abundance and all the stuff that's come in this week for me, like from investments to like, people just giving me and sending me money and compliments and testimonials. And it's like I was in my own way.
- [07:25]
Franci Hanlon
Because you're operating on top of not, not that I'm not enough. I'm not worthy.
- [07:30]
Stephanie Hanlon
Remember Saturday Night Live, guys, back in the day, in the seventies? I'm not worthy. That was what the whole self help, you know, stuff happened.
- [07:40]
Franci Hanlon
So interesting, right? And, but by the way, is, you know, we're often, you know, we've, we've had many people over the years talk about our generosity, and that is our nature. I think we're pretty generous, pretty giving of time, of, of energy, of Contribution in terms of big conversations, but. And the generosity is sincere, but there is a part of it that we're operating on top of is we're not worthy. And that's a. That's such a cross the line.
- [08:12]
Stephanie Hanlon
If you cross the line into over generosity, it's like our strength overdone is our weakness. Yes, Strengths overdone. Right.
- [08:21]
Franci Hanlon
So if you're listening to this, you know, if we were to unpack. I'm not worthy. It really is. Look at some of the actions that you have or some of the things that show up. This is a really common one where people, for example, and I'm guilty of this, is that we don't value our time or we can't find a way to value our time because we're operating on top of I'm not worthy of a value for my time. And so I'm not worthy. I spend hours researching and studying and doing all the things. And then you go to charge somebody and they go, well, that's crazy. And then all of a sudden, you've got this whole story that goes, oh, I must not be worthy. But the reality of it is, is that the person that you're talking to doesn't value themselves enough to actually invest in themselves. So even if they can, you can put a clear return on that investment of investing in themselves. It's so. It's so convoluted. And this is, of course, always the work that we're doing at any given point. And, you know, I've met so many people over the years that they have no problem. It's, you know, $500 an hour, it's $1,000, it's a $5,000 weekend, it's a $10,000 week, whatever it is, they don't even think twice about it. And they command those kind of values because they don't operate on top of, I'm not worthy. It's the opposite of that. So it's just something to think about. It's not really what the conversation is about today, but it was a sidebar, you know, so there we go.
- [09:57]
Stephanie Hanlon
You know, these always go off the rails, especially. Cause you're never. You're never telling me what we're talking about in advance. So then I have to kind of like just read and react. That's a hockey term. You know, you gotta read and react.
- [10:07]
Franci Hanlon
You gotta read and react. That's. Yeah. And I like it that way. So we know, you know, based on many years of working with people, coaching and doing all the things that we do that people just are. There's a gap for many who are, you know, for those of you who are listening to this podcast, there's a part of it, whether you're. There's something missing, there's a gap for you that these kinds of conversations fill. It's something that gets you thinking. And that's what we're here to do. It's what we're inspired to do. It's part of our mission. Part of our purpose as we go on our own journey is to share with you the insights, to study, the research, the way we live our life and the success that we've had and the challenges we bump up against. And so many people are searching for purpose. They're looking for that mission. Why are they here? What is life all about? And it doesn't matter, even age. I mean, I think it. As you go through those milestone birthdays, you know, the fives and the zeros, and then you cross paths and you're 40 and you're 50 and you're 60, and you go through these phases of life, and if you don't get to what your real purpose is, what your values are, then you're always out of alignment, never feeling quite fulfilled, always searching for that happiness that you think is outside of you. So, so we often. Here's the. Here's the fundamental. Is what we have come to. I don't think we've done a great job of articulating it is purpose isn't outside of us. It's an inside job, you know, and if I was to give it an analogy, you know, we think about health and we think about freedom and we think about purpose, I would argue that that's ultimately what most are searching for, is that purpose. But when we talk about health, again, we think about physical health, mental health. But in the context of the work that we do, we cover seven areas of life, which is really the key to understanding health is because, you know, you got vocational. Oh, let's go down the list really quickly. You know, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, vocational, financial, familial, social. I think I covered them all.
- [12:20]
Stephanie Hanlon
Where are we healthy in all seven areas?
- [12:23]
Franci Hanlon
That's the thing, is that we look at. So where are you? Are you healthy vocationally? Are you in a job that lights you up, that you love? Because if you're not, you're going to be shut down. Is that the pathway to purpose? No, absolutely not. If financially you're not healthy and you have to define health as, you know, it's one thing, yes, I pay all my bills, but I'm not saving enough money for the future, or I'm always 30, 60, 90 days behind, or I'm living off my credit cards. That's not financial health. How do you ever get to the purpose of life if you're operating on top of this? Dis ease, if you will, within the context of those seven areas of life. So when we open up the door and the conversation to finding purpose is understanding that we need to be healthy in those seven areas of life. And it's always going to be varying degrees. You know, we can feel really strong financially, but we're just unsatisfied with life. We're not happy with our, you know, mental state of being, our familial state of being, our social state of being. And that is in fact, what gets in our way of having that purpose and that mission. So I'm going to keep working through this. So. But I'll stop and talking so that you can make any comments that you might have right now.
- [13:37]
Stephanie Hanlon
Yeah, and I'm totally not prepared for that because I was bought into what you were saying.
- [13:43]
Franci Hanlon
Okay, well, I'll keep going then. I'll keep going. This isn't a monologue. Stephanie's just trying to catch up. I often do that to her. So, you know, not her fault. It's all me. So, you know, I kind of, you know, in the thought of that I had is that, you know, if we were to give a metaphor, if you will, you know, many people are kind of walking around and I'm going to say they've got keys in their pocket, but they don't know what door those keys are for. You know, is it for health, freedom, purpose? And they get frustrated because they keep opening doors that don't take them where they want to go because they're looking at external doors. And the reality of it is, is that they're internal doors that we have to unlock. We have to look at where are we in the context of our health, financially, vocationally, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, et cetera. So, you know, we look for these doors outside of ourselves when actually we need to go internal. We need to look inside. We need to think about what we're thinking about. We need to take responsibility and have the awareness of our thoughts. And it's not any one thing. It's all of those things. And then we trip up because we bump into our limiting beliefs. And those, of course, are based on past wounds and, you know, fear of judgment, etc. So let's talk about the fact that you do have the keys, you're not lost. You're just trying to use the keys in the wrong doors. So let's. If you follow what I'm saying.
- [15:15]
Stephanie Hanlon
Yeah. I just had a thing that popped into my head because this morning, just after my meditation, I got up early because of course we're babysitting Tiger, our friend Mel's little Maltese.
- [15:27]
Franci Hanlon
Pocket purse dog. Pocket dog, whatever you call them. Yeah.
- [15:31]
Stephanie Hanlon
Which is so opposite, right. To our lion, Burmese mountain dogs. But anyway, it's so fun. And he's right at my feet right now and he's talking to me. And I was in my meditation this morning and one thing popped up when we were talking about, you know, the seven areas of life. And I'm really, really into this whole concept of mind shui. And Jayden actually brought up a really cool picture in my mind about what, what it could look like, you know, when you bring somebody in to help you put things in the right places in your home. But what if we're the people that can help you put the right things in your mind? Right in the seven areas of life? And what popped up on this morning was for some people, they don't even consider health until their health is compromised. And health is everything, right? Everything goes to the side, whether it's financ, they're not prepared financially or socially, or they're not supported, you know, they have to go into the system or whatever. Everything is health. And they would give anything to have and to be healthy. And I was thinking about it based on the seven areas of life and based on our context for living and the work that we're doing with mine Shui Wei, and how do we, as people, as humans, as. As people who are working in our purpose, create a conversation where people are saying, okay, yes, health is important, and if it's not up right now, at least elevate it. At least elevate your fitness, your nutrition, something. So if vocation goes sideways, if you lose all your friends, if you lose some financial, you have a financial hit, are you able to work through it mentally, emotionally and physically? What really hit me hard this morning.
- [17:19]
Franci Hanlon
Yeah, well, here's the thing about it. So the whole context for mind shui and the main shui way, let's just keep giving that a little bit of context for listeners. And that is that mine shui is like feng shui for the mind. So in other words, when we clear the clutter of our mind, we actually start to create energy, have flow, see the direction that we're going. If your brain Is all cluttered.
- [17:42]
Stephanie Hanlon
You.
- [17:42]
Franci Hanlon
It's like if a room is cluttered and you walk in and you go, okay, we gotta clean up this mess. And then all of a sudden you see a window and you go, holy cow, there's light coming through here. There's a window, there's a window. And that. In my world, the mine shui wei and mine shui, being feng shui for the mind is rearranging the clutter in our brains, maybe throwing some shit out and being able to see the light, Being able to have that light come in. So let's keep going through this kind of thought process. Is that health? First off, when we talk about health, it isn't limited to our physical health or even our mental health. It is about all seven areas of life. Now, the one thing we haven't talked about that I brought up was freedom.
- [18:29]
Stephanie Hanlon
Has so many layers.
- [18:31]
Franci Hanlon
Freedom. Well, think about it. So we can have freedom if we have unpacked or are aware of those limiting beliefs. You know, the detachment from the internal constraints that we have in those hidden, often hidden, limiting beliefs. Whether it be not enough, you know, I'm alone, I'm not worthy. You know, as some examples of the most common, I would say limiting beliefs. So we don't have freedom as long as we're trapped in the constraints of. Of our limiting beliefs. If we're trapped in the only perspective we have, or we hang on to this perspective instead of shifting our perspective so that we have a different perception, and that is such a powerful conversation. Perspective creates our perception. And if our perception is negative, if our perception is that we are limited, if our perception is that we're not enough, we're not worthy. And we have those. Until we shift that perspective, we cannot have a different perception of what's going on for us. So for me, what I've come to realize is that whenever I'm bumping up against something, I'm training myself. It's getting really being part of just how I operate now. It's part of my operating system that I'm upgrading, and that is to ask myself the question, what is another perspective I can take? And it's not to make what's happening okay, but it's to actually question my perspective so that I understand that I can shift perception if and then once I become conscious of it, I can come to a decision. But I have to start with, am I needing to look at this differently as opposed to having my ego? And this is so important. I think it really boils down to our ego needs to be right. And I want to say that and understand that we joke about being right fighters and all the rest of it, but ultimately our ego needs to be right, and that happens within us. In other words, if your operating system and your hidden belief is I'm not enough or I'm not worthy or I'm all alone and I've got to handle things on my own, there's nobody there to help me. If we have that, if we're operating on top of that, our ego will make that right. It will draw history from our past that we may or may not be aware of, but it will actually confirm that we are right. So we go through this.
- [21:09]
Stephanie Hanlon
Yeah, it's like a magnet.
- [21:10]
Franci Hanlon
It is.
- [21:11]
Stephanie Hanlon
It pulls it.
- [21:12]
Franci Hanlon
Right? So if we consider the concept of freedom, we have to look at freedom and going. We need and want to be in order to get to our purpose. We first have to look and become or set ourselves up to be free from the internal constraints that we have. That's the first part of that. Right. And then we talked about health, being healthy and being aware. Now, you never. There's always work to be done. And in any given time, you may be financially, you may be very healthy, but mentally, emotionally, vocationally, perhaps, you're not. You're a mess. So when we look at that and it's ebb and flow and, you know, one bucket is empty, if I always look at it that way, you. If the seven areas of life are buckets, they're not always full, you know, and I mean full in a good way. There are some were really low. Oh, I got to spend a little bit more time on my relational, you know, that relational part of that area of my life. You know, relationally, how am I doing? You know, socially familial, whatever that might be, is we look at those buckets and say, I need to pay a little bit more attention to that. So that's having the awareness in those seven areas of life. As you get to understanding and having that awareness, I believe it's only then that you can really dial in on your purpose, because otherwise, guess what your purpose really is. It's a distraction. You think it's your purpose, you make it your purpose. And all it is is a distraction from what you need to work on for you. So that's where I'm kind of going with this. Anything you want to comment on right now?
- [22:52]
Stephanie Hanlon
Oh, wow. That came out of left field, was thinking about, you know, purpose being a distraction. That never really occurred to me because I think, you know, it's like the save the whales people. You know, they get to save the whales. You know, they got a climate change. They gotta, you know, they put all their energy.
- [23:09]
Franci Hanlon
When really their life is a shit show.
- [23:12]
Stephanie Hanlon
Yeah. But it looks good on the outside or it gives them. What's the word? It's like a virtue signal. Right. So you, you're, you do all these really great stuff. All this really great stuff. And then. But when you're at home by yourself, you can't stand yourself.
- [23:30]
Franci Hanlon
Exactly, exactly. You can't. Well, as a matter of fact, you can't even be alone. You know, here's an exercise, if you're listening, we're going to do this exercise. We're not going to do it, but we're going to give you this exercise to do. And you've done this with many of your clients. We've done this ourselves. And, and it's not easy, by the way. It really messes you up when you've heard the first time you do it, and that is to go sit in a chair and be alone and see how long you can sit alone. No music, no meditation, just sitting alone, being with yourself. You're not reading, you're not journaling. You're just sitting. See how long you can do that before you get really uncomfortable and have to move.
- [24:09]
Stephanie Hanlon
Yeah, not just move or you want to reach out or you want to listen to a message or whatever. Right. Just pull it.
- [24:16]
Franci Hanlon
Oh, you want to scroll? You want to scroll? Where's my phone? Oh, by the way, put your phone in another room. Right. It is really a challenge for many. So. So if we start to say, okay, well, how can we unpack this? You know, first off, it's always awareness. It always starts with awareness. Think about what you're thinking about. Think about what you're focused on right now. Oh, I don't have enough money, or I don't have enough friends, or my wife or husband is an asshole or a bitch, whatever the story is. Where are you complaining? My kids are, you know, are, are not smart. I don't know. You're, you know, or my kids. I need to protect my children at all costs. We talked about that on one of our episodes. But my point is, is that let's, let's ask ourselves a different set of questions. Perspective. Let's. How do we change our perspective? So if we look at those seven areas of life and we look at them as buckets, ask ourselves, where are we depleted? Where do I feel bound, for example, in a relationship, in a social structure, in A job, you know, I got no control. I'm handcuffed, right? I can't escape this or where am I forcing or chasing purpose instead of letting it emerge, letting it find me.
- [25:32]
Stephanie Hanlon
I love that.
- [25:33]
Franci Hanlon
Let's not step over, well, emerging and find me. Yeah, I look at those the same. So think about, you know, our own journey over the years. We got pretty clear a long time ago that what lights us up is being a contribution, supporting coaching, going on this journey because. And we've made it very, very clear, you know, on any given day, our life could be a shit show by our standards. But we're always on a journey of being the best version of ourselves. Uncovering, unpacking, you know, you know, getting clear. Like, I mean, think about how many years of work we've done and all of a sudden I'm not worthy. Shows up because it's really subtle. And by the way, go back to our ego telling us we're right, confirming that we're right. It's a hidden belief, but we enforce it. And our ego has us do that. It's so fricking amazing. I think it's so cool when you start to uncover this next layer of the journey and we're on the journey with everybody that's listening. We too are on the journey, unpacking, uncovering. And the more I write, the more we kind of unpack the mine shui way and the whole concept and context for mine shui, we really start to get clear and be able to be a contribution in a powerful way because that is always how we've operated. Think about that. You know, for the 35 years that you and I have been hanging out, it's always been about being a contribution. Think about what you did with Quantum speed back in the day when you were working with the Oilers. It was a job, but it unfolded as realizing that, oh, how can you take an NHL hockey player and have them skate better? You can do some really cool things and you're a technician and you understand biomechanics and all the rest of it so you can help them be better players. But frick, they're at the top of the game. They're in the NHL. Okay, well, I'm going to move from the fourth line to the first line. Okay, Is my skating going to do that? Maybe. But what you got to. And what really took you on the whole journey of working with athletes and business people is that you are gifted at what you do. You've worked your ass off honing your skating skills. And yes, you Want to be better, but what else could possibly be in the way? And that is the mental component and not the psychological part of it. That's part of it, but it's only a small part of it because. What did you get to. Oh, when I clean up the other seven areas of my life or the other six areas of my life, what happened?
- [28:09]
Stephanie Hanlon
They skated faster.
- [28:10]
Franci Hanlon
They skated faster. When my relationship got better because I learned how to communicate with my significant other, I skated faster. I skated faster. What the hell's going on? You know? Well, when I got clear on my purpose, when all of a sudden I understood who I am in the context of being an NHL hockey player, Holy cow. My whole life changed and I skated faster.
- [28:33]
Stephanie Hanlon
I know, right? That was my secret. I can't believe you just, like, let my secret out.
- [28:38]
Franci Hanlon
I know. I know I did.
- [28:40]
Stephanie Hanlon
But it's also with the ice dancers. It's also with the, the musicians and the rock stars and the, you know, ballroom dancers and the opera singers that we've worked with. It's like it's all the same journey.
- [28:53]
Franci Hanlon
It is always the same journey, you know, with McKay, CEO forums, working with CEOs and understanding and now being exposed. And I say exposed. I mean, having the opportunity to listen in on like top CEOs, I mean, you know, I've joked about it's a little intimidating. I'm definitely not the smartest guy in the room, and. And I'm not the oldest. That's good. And the point is, is that all of a sudden it opens up a whole new doorway, which is to say we get to take our purpose and live our mission in a whole new kind of, I guess, realm or new capacity. But even at that level, people get in their own way because they are not free of the mental constraints. They are not healthy in all seven areas of their life, yet they're focused on their physical health, which is great, by the way. But where are you not healthy in other areas of your life? That's where freedom lives. So the combination of all of that, I think you get to a place where ultimately, when you initially crack the code of understanding yourself, and then the journey of that, because it's a lifelong journey, because as we age, as we get older, as we have different experiences, we meet different people, different things show up for us. And so it is a never ending journey, you know, the next phase. I always go back to my gym analogy. Oh, gosh, look at me. I'm lifting a hundred pounds, but I'm capable. I'm sure I'm capable of lifting 110. Okay, let's try it. Let's stretch. Let's get uncomfortable. Let's take a chance of doing an extra. You're always on the path of getting stronger, getting better, and that's where true freedom lives. And then out of that, when you start to understand, when you can clear that clutter mine shui, then purpose starts to show up. And I believe, I'm pretty convinced, and my ego needs to be right, that we all have to be clear on our purpose to live a fulfilled life where there is joy, where there is happiness, where is there. Where there is a sense of contribution. It's got to be outside of ourselves.
- [31:20]
Stephanie Hanlon
And what's interesting about that, hon, like my brother always says, Michael always says we have to be willing to push the cart up the hill, and if it doesn't move, we still have to keep pushing like there, like purpose as humans. I think that's why we're here is, you know, to push the card up the hill and not care if it moves. Because when we dig into what matters and what matters most, I mean, I don't know, for everybody, it's different. But, you know, depending on what stage of life you're in, what 7 area is up for you right now, And I think that's what I love about the mind shui way, is that we get to determine and help people figure out what's up for them right now. Is it family, is it finances, is it vocation, is it health? Like, what. What are the top three or four values out of seven that we can actually focus on right now? Because right now it's like everybody's trying to spin all the plates all at the same time, and it's exhausting. And. And to know that purpose comes and freedom comes from the clarity and the focus of knowing your purpose. And I'll think about freedom, and I love that word. And I know it's been vilified over the last little while, and especially in Canada. I think we should do a whole podcast on the definition of freedom. But freedom is the constraints of those are outside constraints.
- [32:42]
Franci Hanlon
But.
- [32:42]
Stephanie Hanlon
But.
- [32:43]
Franci Hanlon
Okay, but let's talk about that for a second. Nelson Mandela, solitary confinement for years, yet he was free in his mind. He was free because he did the work. Funny joke about that. Nelson Mandela. I don't know who the comedian was, but it was awesome. It was so funny. And he was talking about how hard marriage is. You know, marriage is hard. Look at Nelson Mandela, you know, in jail for however many years Solitary confinement. He comes out a better person for it and reconnects with his wife. And less than a year later, he's divorced.
- [33:27]
Stephanie Hanlon
Didn't you have a bunch of shoes or something? Was that the same woman?
- [33:30]
Franci Hanlon
It doesn't matter. My point is, is that, you know, I thought it was quite funny how hard marriage is. You know, you can live in solitary confinement for 25 years, but as soon as you get out and hang out with your wife, you have to get divorced. Anyways, I.
- [33:43]
Stephanie Hanlon
That's another podcast. Is that our lives or significant others are the people that bring out the worst in us.
- [33:50]
Franci Hanlon
Right, so here's where I want to go with this. I don't think we can really lean into and discover our true purpose until we start to clear the clutter, to understand that our health is more than just our physical and mental health. It is health in all aspects of our life. And that freedom comes from understanding that we are not free until we can at least entertain the thought and start to investigate where our mental constraints are. Because that's ultimately, I believe, what people are really searching for is freedom. Now they make it about financial freedom. But let's take that whole thought process off, because we look at that and we know it's not true. We know some very wealthy people who are just a shit show. They're a mess. They're not happy, they don't have joy, their relationship sucks. And they're not healthy in any way, shape or form, physically or mentally. But they got a lot of money, and they can do anything they want. And they can get on their airplanes or they can drive their Corvettes or their Porsches or their Bugattis. Doesn't matter. My point is, that isn't freedom. And we do the work to unpack those mental constraints. That's where freedom truly lives. And when you can set yourself free from those constraints, then we can start to understand what our purpose truly is. But if we're operating on top of this constant fight because our relationship sucks, our job sucks, or our physical, mental, emotional health is a mess because we don't know how to deal with that. It comes at us, you know, all of this body of work. And whether it's Marcus Aurelius and those are little. Those are great little hacks, by the way. They're philosophical. And I, as you know, have studied stoicism for a long time. And it comes back to, you know, what can you control? What can't you control? Well, here's what you can control. You can control your way of thinking, your view of the world. And if we don't ever question it, if we accept and say, well, my relationship is my relationship, it's just the way it is, and I'm going to have to put up with it, or I'm not willing to leave it, or I'm not willing to change, because if I change, I'm going to lose friends. Well, that's what. That's the cost of being your greatest. And being the best version of yourself is sometimes it comes at the cost of relationships that no longer align with who you are. If you're going to change, if you're going to grow, there's going to be people that leave your life. They have to. Doesn't make them bad or doesn't make you bad. You're moving on to be and to lean into who you say you are and what your purpose is. Does any of that make sense?
- [36:58]
Stephanie Hanlon
Like, that's a. That's a big, big conversation. And I think it really resonates with me because I, over the years, really realized that people have left my life. I haven't left anyone's life. I don't think I have. But I really noticed that people have left my life, our life. Like we look every once in a while, we said the other day, it's like, I don't think we have any friends left.
- [37:20]
Franci Hanlon
Like, that's true. Well, what happens is this. We. We've used this metaphor, this analogy before, which is, you know, in relationship, in friendships, in. In marriage, doesn't matter in business. And your team is. If everybody's kind of rowing the boat together, all works. You know, you get speed, you got velocity, you're going straight ahead or you're going the direction that you all agree that you're going to go. But if people stop rowing the relationship boat and you're the only one rowing the boat, you're going around in circles. You're going around in circles. So if you ever want to test the relationship that you think you have, stop reaching out or stop rowing, stop rowing.
- [38:07]
Stephanie Hanlon
See what happens.
- [38:07]
Franci Hanlon
In my world, that's reaching out. So stop rowing. Quit being the person that's texting, phoning. Hey, what are you doing? Are you coming over? What do you got going on? Hey, you want to do something? Stop that. Just stop it.
- [38:19]
Stephanie Hanlon
Yeah, you really find out who reaches out and who misses you or who. But it. And you know, right now, I think in the last four to five years, we've realized that, you know, there is a lot of separation and division and. And I think there's a Lot of confusion and maybe some insecurity in who do I reach out to? Who, who is of like mind? Who is going to understand who I, who I've become in the last little while. Do I still have the same? Can I, can I still have the same conversations? I mean there's, there's people and couples and family that I really miss. And what I truly know that if, if we had a conversation today, it would be very different than the conversation we had before the pandemic or before everything of blew up in the world. But my purpose hasn't changed. I don't think your purpose has changed. I love the fact that we've linked purpose and mindset and, and freedom and health. And freedom and health. Because health in all seven areas of life is freedom in all seven areas of life. Right? And I think about all the things that I've changed and undone and now my lemon water before coffee and my workout before. Da da da. Like the changes that, the incremental changes that can show up will also eliminate people in your life too, right? Like if you're not, you know, hanging out and going drinking to the bar on Friday nights anymore, you're going to lose those friends, right? But there's also freedom in that because there's freedom to be yourself and just to be yourself.
- [39:54]
Franci Hanlon
The freedom be who you truly are and, and to tell you, tell yourself the truth and to say that I am enough and I am worthy and this is who I am and be courageous enough to live into that, that's where joy lives. That's where purpose lives. That's where happiness lives is when you can be and feel like you're hanging out with the people that are okay with who you are, period, Full stop.
- [40:24]
Stephanie Hanlon
And it was really fun. Just to last thing is that you know something, I made some plans with the girlfriend tomorrow and the plans changed and she sent a message and she said, I'm sorry. And I went, you know what? Being a grownup and being truly aligned in our values, you don't have to say sorry. It is what it is. And I accept life will change in your world. I'm not attached to the something that is a higher purpose than me in that moment. And she just was so grateful. Like nobody's ever said, it's okay. I'm like, of course it's okay. I'm not attached.
- [41:03]
Franci Hanlon
It's all good. All good, all good. So as we wind this whole thing down and you know, let's break it down finally to an invitation to considered that you may be Searching for, you know, why am I here? What is my purpose? And, you know, a mom or a dad say, my purpose is being a parent. Yes, it is. Right now. That's what's up for you. And then you say, who do I get to be as a parent? Who am I and how am I guiding my children? So that. That is often the purpose of a parent, and that's what they hold. You know, there's nothing more important to me than being an awesome parent. And I totally get that. But that, too, is still. To be the most awesome parent, you have to be the best version of yourself. Because we are not judged in what we say. We are judged in how we are, how we're being. We are judged in our actions and what we're doing, not in our intentions. So as a parent, the more solid you are in your own identity, in being the best version of yourself and doing the work, what better guidance can you have for your children to. Than to then to do the work and share that journey with them and the discovery that they have and guiding them in their own discovery and getting through their stuff. So the point is, is that, you know, our health and our freedom. And when I talk about freedom, it really is about the detachment from the internal constraints that we have, and. And we have them without even realizing them. So the first thing is the awareness and asking yourself, where am I? In my own way, shifting perspective so that your perception, not just of the outside world, but your perception of who you are starts to shift. And the more that we do this work, the more that, you know, you think about, we're coming into four years of doing this podcast, and I think about who I was when I started this podcast, and I have no idea how I show up for listeners. But in my own life, by having these conversations, by doing this work, I know that I've evolved and I've changed and I reset the trajectory. We collectively have reset our own trajectory for who we are as leaders, as people, as a couple, as friends. You know, it really does come back to understanding that in order to be our greatest self and live our best life, we have to do this work.
- [43:41]
Stephanie Hanlon
We do. And what it comes down to for me is to your point is, what if I'm wrong? What if all the things that I believed all of these years, and what if I'm wrong? I don't have to be right. I can enter a conversation with a friend and say, you don't have to be sorry, and we can actually evolve as a couple. 30 years later, 35 years later and make a difference in the world. Not need to be right.
- [44:07]
Franci Hanlon
Yeah. Not need to be right. There is the phrase, your ego is not your amigo. And we have often said, like I talked about before, we are. Many people are right fighters. So they just need to fight to be right.
- [44:23]
Stephanie Hanlon
But.
- [44:24]
Franci Hanlon
But that fight, that's an external. That, you know, in that kind of thought process is external. But what I'm inviting everybody to consider is that you have a fight to be right. And it's an internal dialogue that tells you you are not enough, that you are not worthy, that you are doing it all alone. Those are kind of three.
- [44:47]
Stephanie Hanlon
I'm going to prove that I'm right.
- [44:48]
Franci Hanlon
I'm going to prove. And we prove it to ourselves. And we draw on past, whether that's conscious or subconscious. We pull past evidence that says I am right. Because historically I see how I am. Historically, this is where I failed. Historically, this is where I was embarrassed. Historically, this is where I'm shamed and not even realizing that we have shame statements. We have things that shame is being one of those things where we don't want to be exposed. And so we hide behind things. Our ego hides behind things. And it proves that we're right by telling ourselves the story. So I'm going to leave it there. Health freedom can lead to purpose expressing itself. It's an inside job, not an outside job. Don't look for purpose outside of yourself. Go inside to really discover your purpose and I'm going to give you the hack, which is always going to be about being a contribution. It's not about you. Quit navel gazing. Don't let your ego be right. Stephanie, I'm going to leave it on that.
- [46:02]
Stephanie Hanlon
Thanks, hon. That was really fun.
- [46:06]
Franci Hanlon
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. If you found value in the podcast, please take the time to rate and review and share with others. Share with your friends as it is my goal to always improve and to provide the highest value for you, the listener. If you have any comments, suggestions or questions you'd like answered, please email me@ceoaincanada.com that's CEO. I look forward to hearing from you. And until next time. Patrick O.
- [46:45]
Patrick O.
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