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The Everyday Millionaire and Mindset Matters Podcast
Mindset Matters - Episode #215 - Why You Get Triggered and How to Change the Story
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A
Foreign.
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Welcome to this episode of the Everyday Millionaire Mindset Matters podcast where I'm joined by my wife, Olympic mental performance coach Stephanie Hanlon. Francie. In these episodes, Stephanie and I have a conversation about the different aspects of what we refer to as Mindset Matters because we believe that for those who are awake, we are living in and through the most impactful time in history. Your view of the world is the filter for how you will experience the evolution and changing dynamics of it. Our intention is to provide you with ideas, nutritious food for thought, and some tools that you can use to help you in being your greatest self and living your best life. Listen in, Enjoy.
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Hi there, and welcome to the Everyday Millionaire Mindset Matters. Stephanie.
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B
Hey, hon.
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A
Okay, question for you.
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B
Okay.
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A
Do I trigger you sometimes?
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B
Are you kidding me right now?
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A
Daily.
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B
Okay, so in a good way.
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A
Okay, so topic is being triggered. And let's get to some fundamentals about this. And you know this, by the way. So the truth behind what actually triggers us is that we all get triggered. There are certain things that trigger us a lot. Like for me, one of my big triggers is bureaucracy. Drives me absolutely crazy. I think it is just. It's criminal that bureaucracy does what it does. Slows things down, can't be decisive in decisions. It just don't even get me going on it. So I don't need to. But it triggers me. It pisses me off. And then when I'm doing research on being triggered over the years and having the thought process around it, we think that we're being triggered by an event, you know, a comment, a certain tone that somebody uses. Bureaucracy, circumstances. We think we're being triggered by a certain situation. But guess what you're really being triggered by. Tell me, in reality, what you're being triggered by is what the moment means to you.
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B
Oh, wow. Yeah.
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A
Okay. So trigger is nothing more than something happens. You attach a story to it and your. We'll call it, your nervous system reacts. That's it. So when something fires you up, instead of getting anger and defensive or shutting down, which we all have done or do, the challenge would be to don't default, to go after the person or the situation first. It would be slow down, pause, take a breath in the moment if you can, you know, not always.
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Listen, I'm singing to the choir, you know, myself in what I can and can't do. But the point of it is, is if we get triggered, we're going to pay a price for it. So rather than pay the price of playing the blame game and Going after the situation or the person. If we can pause long enough, or at least in reflection after we've lost our shit. Ask yourself, what story did I just tell myself? Or what was the story I was telling myself in the moment? Because it's in the stories that we tell ourselves that trigger us. And I want to just add to that, some depth to that. So when you think about all the work we've been doing around belief systems, hidden belief systems that are getting or keeping you stuck, right? Yep. Think about those. Hidden beliefs can be part of what triggers you. So it may be attached to whatever identity that you have for yourself. You know, I'm not being respected, I'm not being seen.
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I losing control, I'm right. Maybe it's like no one takes advantage of me. You're not taking advantage of me. So what's your thoughts?
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B
Oh, yeah, this is a big one. You know, think of the word trigger. You know, anything can trigger anyone at any time. And if we can't just be honest and transparent and free in what we say to each other, if we're going to worry about we're going to trigger somebody, then conversations are going to stop. Like people are going to edit what they say, what they do, because we're worried about triggering somebody. I totally get it. But we also have to be responsible in being transparent and saying this may trigger you. I may say this and it may trigger you.
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A
Well, I know, but I think there's a side of it that you, you, you're taking, you know, you're taking responsibility for your words. You're actually thinking that this is going to piss somebody off. But sometimes, you know, people get triggered for no apparent reason. And, but again, know that reason, right?
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B
Like you just are being yourself.
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A
Well, do you know the reason if you're the one that being triggered, you're going to, you know, you're going to, you're ultimately, you're going to go down this path of being triggered and, and, and you're going to blame the situation, you're going to blame the person when underlying is that hidden belief. You know, number one, I have to get this right. Like, so think about the hidden beliefs. I have to get this right. I'm enough or I'm not enough or I'm not worthy. I can't disappoint anyone. Maybe if things shift, I'm unsafe. Those are all hidden beliefs. So if those beliefs are challenged, you may not identify them. But you have to ask yourself, what is the story I'm telling myself that triggers me? And I think that's the actual work that we have to do. And think about the fact that they even have anger management courses. Right.
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B
It's crazy. Why do you have to manage your anger? Like, why can't you just be angry?
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A
Yeah. But while you can be, and we've talked about this in the past, anger is often driven by fear. That fear can be related, for example, to, to those hidden beliefs that has something around identity. Are you challenging who I say I am? Is that the trigger? You know, what is it that triggers you? So for me, if I get triggered by bureaucracy, it's because what triggers me is time of efficiency, a little bit of, you know, who the hell do you think you are?
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B
And that's where money is paying you. So I'm your boss.
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A
Exactly those kinds of things. Right. You know, the waste of time and energy and cost just fires me up because there is no path. And the bureaucrats just seem to like to live in the power that they have. You know, that triggers me. And there's probably a story I'm telling myself there, but I want to say I'm, you know, what triggers me is I think I'm above that.
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Entrepreneur.
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B
Like we're entrepreneurs, we're business owners and we are 100 responsible for our overhead, for the costs that we have to incur to do business. And I think what happens and what triggers me is that the people that are working for the government, for example, which I, many of them, I, I do love and I get it, but they have no consequence if they take a 45 minute lunch or an hour and a half lunch or know, right. Like we don't have that same luxury as entrepreneurs and people that are trying to move the economy forward. You know, creators move the economy forward, not consumers.
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A
Okay, but that's not the question or that's not how we kind of handle it. We have to get in order because that's going to continue to happen. Bureaucracy is not going away. If anything, it's getting more.
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B
Right.
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A
So then we have to realize and think about what is the story we tell ourselves. So we talk about hidden beliefs. That's one thing. You know, certainly it's a misalignment of values. But there's another thing that, you know, of course, through, within mine, shui, we're talking about meta values, right? So if it clashes with a meta value, so your need for freedom or your need for security or integrity, what is it that triggers you when you lose the grip and kind of go off or get snarky or whatever that might Be slam a door or just walk out. So evolution, if you will, of how do we rise above the story we're telling ourselves. So I know for myself when I'm going into certain situations, I know what I'm in for. I know that it's going to be a lineup or I know that I'm going to have to sign a bunch of papers that make no sense, all the. The kind of things that are nonsensical or make work. So I prepare myself mentally for it in terms of, you know, I know what I'm up for. I give myself the time because that's often what will get me fired up is I have to stand around, waste time going through this process that is, to me, nonsensical. You know, it's like, make work projects for somebody else. And so I. The best way for me to not get triggered is, Is to allow myself, number one, the time I need and. Or going in with the expectation that. Or the understanding that this isn't gonna go the way I want it to go, it's gonna go the way they want it to go. And that is the process, and that is the system. And don't break the system or the process. So that's one example of me understanding what triggers me. And again, you know that in the background, the story I'm telling myself, I'm sure at some level you is just, you know, my arrogance in that I think I'm above that. You know, I. I deserve better.
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B
And. And you are, and you do, babe.
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A
Thank. Thanks for your support. Now, when my significant other triggers me, what happens? You know, how do we deal with that?
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B
Are you talking about me?
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A
Well, you'd be my significant other. I am. But I think that, you know, after 30 some years, I learned to breathe, I learned to go, okay, yeah, that's. This too shall pass. You know, super cute, so it isn't worth it. Or, you know, I go outside and walk across the driveway to my office.
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B
Or walk the dogs.
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A
Or walk the dogs. Or play with the cats. Anyways, the point is, okay, so how do we support people that have a realization that they're being triggered? And I think the biggest part of it is really, it is in simplicity of understanding that it's not the event, it's the story. You're telling yourself about the event.
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B
Totally.
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A
Again, it goes back to, I'm not being respected, I'm too busy for this. I'm too good for this. It may push triggers of something that you dealt with, you know, in a childhood trauma, small team, you Know, that throws you off. And the thing is, is that if you can identify it, you can collapse it. Right. And that's the key around being triggered and understanding. So you ask the question, why did they do that? Well, that's their job. And then you ask yourself, why did it hit me that way? And that's really where the clarity starts.
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B
But that's where the pause needs to live, right? There's a pause there is that. Why did this trigger me? Like, they're just doing their job. They're working for the driver's license, AMA or whatever. And you're like, why am I triggered? Right. If you can have the social and spiritual awareness to ask the question and create the pause, it's not like it shouldn't trigger you. It did.
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A
Yeah.
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B
Not that it should. You're not shoulding all over yourself. But the truth is, it doesn't have to.
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A
Yes. And then we look at the circumstance that we find ourselves in, you know, well, let's say you go to a store and, you know, you've got somebody that's not looking after you or doesn't do a good job of serving you. Maybe it's at a restaurant, you know, it's your server. Hell, it could be a flight attendant. You know, the point is, is there's certain things and then you have to step back from it and go, you know something? They are literally just doing their job. Now, we could argue that they're not doing a good job by our standards, how we would expect to be treated, whatever. And maybe, quite frankly, maybe their boss feels the same way or the system feels the same way about them, but there is nobody else to replace them. So that's what they have to put up with in that scenario. My point is this, is that are you going to let somebody who works, you know, part time or is just doing their job to get through school, you know, are you going to let that ruin your day? Is you going to let it ruin your time? Are you going to let it create stress? Yeah. So there is a part of it where we have to go, okay, this person's making 15 bucks an hour going through the motions. They're overworked, underpaid, don't care. It's not their end career. It's just what they're doing to pay the bills. And so we then have to go. That's just the reality of what it is. Why are we going to let that ruin our day? It's not about us, it's about them. We expect more. We're not going to get it. So what's the story we're telling ourselves? I think a lot of times that's going to be, you know, I paid for this, I expect more. Might be I deserve to be respected. You're just an asshole little kid, you know, you're a 20 year old. But you know, maybe that's it. So we have to identify it. And where does that come from? You know, why do we think that they even would disrespect us? Like, what is that?
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B
Think about expectations, right? Like back in the day, you know, when it came to retail or people actually gave a, you know, think about the give a shit factor, right? Like when you care about what you do and your job and it doesn't matter if it's a fifteen an hour job or a sixty dollar job, like when you care about what you do, it shows.
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Right? And when you're on the other side of it and you're the client or you're the person that is being treated a certain way, or you're looking at, you know, feeling like a flight attendant, for example, who treats you like shit because they're gonna go on strike because.
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A
They had a bad day. Because they.
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B
And they had a bad day. Like, how is that my fault?
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A
It's not.
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B
As a client.
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A
This is my point. This is my point. Why would you let that trigger you? Like, why would you let it ruin your day? There's no point. You know, you look at it, you look at the service sector and you know, you look at a flight attendant and it's all about your flight and what you paid for that seat and how you expect to be treated, blah, blah, blah. Got it. And then there's certain levels that your expectations of service that you should expect. But I mean, it isn't about the circumstance. We just said that. So look how easy it is to go down a path when really what we're trying to resolve and give insights to is what is triggering you and why is it triggering you. So what is the story you're telling yourself? What is the response that you're having? So, but as I said before, you know, for me the workaround is knowing and managing expectations. You said that earlier. It's all about expectations. And if you go in and you have some experience. So when I go on a flight, we fly a lot, we're back and forth a lot. Yeah, we have some expectations. But how do you react to, you know, security? How do you react to a flight attendant? That's messed up. There's no point in complaining to the flight attendant, there's no point in complaining to the security person at airport security.
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And it doesn't matter even in a retail environment. What I do is I literally ignore it. I might huff and puff a little bit, but if I'm really triggered by it and I work through that process, I just take it to the boss, I take it to supervisors, I take it to management. Because that's really. If you're that triggered and it's a legitimate complaint, that's what you do. But even at that, how do you want to handle those situations? It becomes about the awareness and that realizing that you being triggered and going off like a mad person is not really any more justified than how that person treated you. That would be my kind of off the top of my head thought process on it. We have to take responsibility for it, which means we have to ask ourselves, why are we being triggered 100%.
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B
So when I think about getting triggered, for example, and I have to look at where I'm at, am I frustrated? Am I running late? Am I what's going on for me? And if somebody is, you know, a flight attendant or somebody at the age, like, they're just doing their job, if I'm triggered, that's my responsibility.
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A
Yes.
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I think that's what we don't like recently. It's like, oh my God, I'm triggered. It's about you, it's about somebody else, it's about something external. But the truth is, if I'm triggered, it's my responsibility to calm my nervous system, calm my emotions, to go, you know what, this is not about you, it's about me. But that's not a whole conversation that's happening right now. Yeah.
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A
So that's where the responsibility lies. That's the real point of this particular conversation. We'll keep it short. We get triggered and we feel self righteous. You know, we have every right to be triggered. Yeah, you do, you do. If that's how you want to go around. Does it really serve you, you know, get triggered in the wrong circumstances can make you look really dumb. Especially if you're overreacting to something that is totally, you know, wasn't the scenario. Oh shit, then you got to backpedal off of that one. So it's just better to manage your being triggered, know that it's not okay. And it's not. It's rarely about the circumstance or the event. It really is about the story you're telling yourself and the meaning you give to it. The meaning you give to that comment to that way you think you're being treated or that event that is occurring, what meaning do you give it? And I'll share this story. It's a little embarrassing, actually, when I had the realization. So you. You've often joked that, you know, you call me Prince Patrick and do you remember that? Remember when you say Patrick and St. Patrick? But. So I realized that. So anyways, we're. I'm with a couple of workmates, we're at an airport, and I walk out the door and we have to grab a shuttle to the hotel and that. And it's cold, and we're having to go outside and we're going to have to go stand by this pillar, blah, blah, blah. And the shuttle was not going to be there for another 15 minutes. And it was late and all sorts of stories around it. And I went, this is just grab a cab and go. You know, like, that was my response to it and realizing that there was, you know, budgets involved and that kind of thing. But I. But in all of that. And yes, we caught the shuttle. Prince Patrick would have grabbed a cab and said, bullshit, I'm out of here. Like, you know, we're. We're carrying on. My point is, is that I really realized in that moment that there is a part of me that has this degree of arrogance. I'm going to call it my genetic predisposition, that, That I deserve better than having to wait for a shuttle. But it triggered me. And so once I got to that, I shared the story out loud with who I was with. Everybody got a laugh out of it. They went, yeah, that's so true, Prince Patrick. So anyways, I share that. But now it doesn't trigger me anymore. That shit doesn't trigger me because I realized that somewhere along the line, my mom, she loved me. She spoiled me rotten. Maybe, I don't know. But the point is that I had this expectation that I'm a. I'm so.
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B
That's so beneath me and you're so special, honey.
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A
Anyways, I share that embarrassing little insight into Patrick, Francie, But I've overcome it. I'm handled. I don't tend to be that way anymore. So. Because I got it, I recognize it. The point is, I realized the story I was telling myself, and as soon as I got to it, I went, ah, okay. That's all it is. It's just a story you're telling yourself. So I think we did some good here today.
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B
Hopefully I do. And I think we need to unpack.
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A
Triggers more in a deeper, more profound way. Yeah.
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B
I think so. But ultimately, the fact that we brought it up tonight is a big deal. And you trigger me ongoing in the best possible way. Best possible way. Because it's forcing me to grow.
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A
Right.
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B
Like I, I, I'm committed to growth and you know what just challenges you do. But to leave this on an interesting note is that I was thinking about, you know, we're going to have our 30th wedding anniversary this summer. 35 years together, 30th anniversary, being married. And I realize how much you've triggered me and how much you've forced me to grow and how much, you know, we've elevated each other.
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A
Each other. Yeah.
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B
And.
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I don't know if I could be this person that I am right now and doing what I'm doing had you not been yourself and triggered me and pissed me off and, you know, made me look at myself. So it's not a bad thing. Just let's leave it with that.
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A
I will leave one. One other thing that I realize around my triggers is, and around the body of work that we do, you know, whether, you know, mind shui and mindset matters and all the work that we've done over the years is that I actually think that being triggered is beneath me. And so as much as you can trigger me, you know, within our relationship, as a good wife will do in the normal day to day stuff, I'm very aware of how I'm occurring. And if I get triggered, it'll be with a close friend or you, for example. And I share in that experience because I also know that being triggered and being out of control and losing your shit in public is that, that is beneath me and. Cause I hold myself, I hold myself.
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B
To a higher, to higher standard. Yeah.
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A
Yes, Got it. So I'll leave you with those wise words. Thanks for listening. Thanks, Stephanie.
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B
That was kind of fun.
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A
Okay, you're triggering me now. Goodbye.
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B
I know, right? Bike. Love you.
- [23:27]
A
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. If you found value in the podcast, please take the time to rate and review and share with others. Share with your friends as it is my goal to always improve and to provide the highest value for you, the listener. If you have any comments, suggestions or questions you'd like answered, please email me at ceoranecanada. That's C E O at R E I N Canada dot com. I look forward to hearing from you. And until next time, Patrick goes.