← The Everyday Millionaire and Mindset Matters Podcast
The Everyday Millionaire and Mindset Matters Podcast
Mindset Matters - Episode #216 - Childhood Money Messages That Still Influence You
00:32:23
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- [00:00]
A
Foreign. Welcome to this episode of the Everyday Millionaire Mindset Matters podcast where I'm joined by my wife, Olympic mental performance coach Stephanie Hanlon. Francie. In these episodes, Stephanie and I have a conversation about the different aspects of what we refer to as Mindset Matters because we believe that for those who are awake, we are living in and through the most impactful time in history. Your view of the world is the filter for how you will experience the evolution and changing dynamics of it. Our intention is to provide you with ideas, nutritious food for thought, and some tools that you can use to help you in being your greatest self and living your best life. Listen in. Enjoy. So most people think their money problems are math problems, when in fact they're not. They're actually belief problems. And those beliefs were installed long before you even earned your first dollar. Today, we're going to pull those beliefs out from the shadows. Stephanie and I are going to challenge the ones, as in the beliefs that might be holding you back, and then give you a way to stress test your own thinking about money. Welcome to the Everyday Millionaire Podcast Mindset Matters. Stephanie.
- [01:22]
B
Hi, hon.
- [01:23]
A
Okay, let me give you a little bit of context in this topic. It's all about money. It's about our belief system. Here's what we've learned. And we don't like to admit it. We actually inherit our money's operating system or our money operating system. So we don't really choose it. Money's always a big topic, finance, but we don't choose how we see how we kind of hold the space for money. It's very much about how we were raised, our parents, our general upbringing, culture, scarcity, trauma, religion, all of it kind of programs on how we behave with money as adults. So you had sent me a chatgpt prompt that was about investigating my own beliefs around money. It was a very simple prompt. Don't remember exactly what it is. If you have it handy, I'll get it from you in a minute. So ultimately what it did was it considered my upbringing, lower middle class in Edmonton, on the wrong side of the tracks, both parents working, which wasn't uncommon, but it certainly wasn't common. I'm a boomer. I mean, so this is back in 58, my parents, my mom was working. And so what I learned as I went through ChatGPT, and that prompt is a simple prompt that takes you down this path of about, I don't know, half a dozen questions. It was really interesting and then it led me to do a bunch of research. So for me it was in the middle, lower middle class, Wrong side of the tracks. My parents were pretty good around money in terms of they didn't talk about it or it didn't land. It wasn't a big conversation, as in negative out loud. But I could feel the tension often just around spending four kids. Wrong side of the tracks. My dad had a belief that people with money had to step on others to get there. And through that whole prompt, and I'm getting to my point, through that whole prompt, what I realized is that for me, when I'm making money and we have money come in, it provides me some relief of tension. So for me, I have a big responsibility around money. I feel responsible. I feel about responsibility and relief, whereas other people, it means fun or more security. So anyways, I'm opening it up that way, understanding that it's amazing what we bring forward with us as kids. So I kind of wanted to set a context for it, but give you some space. So what's your thoughts around this conversation?
- [03:56]
B
Well, I think it's a really important conversation because I remember back in the day when we started this Mindset Matters, I wanted to do a whole segment on Mindset money matters. What are the money matters that run our life? What are the. Our thought processes around money? What is our relationship to money? I've always believed that money is just energy. You know, there's a give and a take and a flow and there's enough for everybody. And I was raised a little bit different in the fact that my parents did talk about money in front of my brother and I. And if we were struggling at one point, you know, I remember one scenario where I needed a second pair of skates because back in the day we had to do figures, what was called school figures. And then we had free skate skates. And I needed a second pair of skates because I was going up into the higher levels. And I remember getting up in the middle of the night and coming down and, you know, being very, almost disturbed that they were having an argument about these skates, which I obviously needed, but they couldn't figure out how they were going to afford it. And what I heard my mom say, she goes, I don't know how we're going to get the money, but we're going to get the money, whatever it takes. So there was a whatever it takes kind of a thing and a kind of a mentality that when it came to my brother and I having the best tools that we could afford going forward and that that's what they provided I don't know if they compromised and took, you know, things away from themselves or I know they paid off their cars and they paid off their mortgage in 25 years and they were very responsible. My dad, you know, invested in real estate and stocks and so there was some really interesting conversations. And interestingly enough, they mom and dad took us to the bank when we were, I want to say, 10 years old and opened up a bank account account, and we had to learn about money and interest and saving and, you know, pay yourself first was my mom's mantra. So that's why it was really important to me because I still have my own money blocks, I have my own relief systems, and I know they go quite far back. But when I was doing some research this morning, just, you know, because I've got some clients right now that are bumping into some quite large money issues. And this was the prompt that came up and I send it to you and I said, can you ask your chat GPT friend about this prompt? And it's, you are a mindset coach specializing in wealth psychology. Guide me through uncovering my current beliefs about money by asking targeted questions about my financial history. One at a time. And for each belief we'll uncover that we uncover, it'll help me identify its origin and create a more empowering alternative. So it was. That's what came up this morning. And I'm not sure where I got that, but it was something that I wanted to throw at you and see what, what GPT would come back with.
- [06:31]
A
A lot of the work we do, as much as we're not just arbitrarily riffing off ideas we had, you know, like, I'm thinking about a lot of the work we've done in terms of research, and there's just a lot of data that supports really common themes and beliefs that people have. And again, it's adopted through the way we were brought up. Comments Our parents make the environment, culture, all those things. The point of it is to not make any of that wrong. It's just that a lot of people and a lot of people we've worked with over the years, they bump up against their money issues. And so whether that's they can't seem to make enough or they make a certain amount and they lose it, or they can't seem to get past a certain threshold of income. I remember a young man that I worked with years ago making 65 grand. 65 grand. And I said, how does it feel if you say to yourself, I make $100,000 a year, and he was just so uncomfortable with that. He shared that. He says it's just really uncomfortable. I don't know why, but it just is. And so as we worked him through that process, he got comfortable saying it. So in other words, when he was talking about his income with myself or his significant other, his wife, he would use the comment, I'm going to bust 100 grand in income this year. He had to get comfortable even saying the number that year he made 100, I want to say 125 or $150,000. He was celebrating his income that particular year. What was his block was it seemed like an astronomical number to him, and it became his ceiling of limitation. So anything that even got close to that, he couldn't wrap his mind around. So that's a psychology around that. We don't necessarily. I know he identified it, but I mean, you see that in all sorts of things that we do, money being one of them. So I open that up. What's your thoughts? And then I want to hit on the most, some of the more common ones.
- [08:27]
B
Well, I think money limitations are again, I think that's a very much a family hierarchical kind of pattern that's embedded in us. Right. I mean, you talk about being from the wrong side of the track. So what do you see is you see older cars, you see maybe people that don't have brand new shoes every year. What we see is what we continue to manifest as we get older and as we grow and it becomes really locked into our identity and it's very uncomfortable. I remember going to university and starting to hang out with people from, you.
- [08:58]
A
Know, the other side of the other side.
- [09:01]
B
Right. And there was a time, one time when a couple of people came over to my house on the north side and they were really uncomfortable because they'd never been to this. This side of town before. And it was so interesting to watch their discomfort and also to recognize my discomfor when I would go to their house on the. On the south side of the river. And there was very much a distinction in our city of Edmonton, where we were raised as a north side and the south side. And it became something that I was really proud of. I used to wear the north side girl, you know, like a badge. And I actually dug myself out of the north side and all that. And there's a real identity that gets locked in if we're not careful. And I think watching, you know, parents now, how they speak to their children about money, how they say, you know, I want this and if the parent says, oh, we can't afford it, that becomes a pattern that gets locked in really, really young.
- [09:55]
A
It does. So the point of these conversations right here, you know, the point of this particular episode is to have people come to their. Bring to their awareness the story that they saw they're telling themselves around and about money. And so back. You know, something that you said that kind of reminded me of something is that the environment I was in, again being on literally on the wrong side of the tracks. You know, I'm in Britannia, Youngstown, in Edmonton. I mean it wasn't the ghetto, but it was definitely the wrong side of the track. And that's. And that's all to say is that was my world. So, you know, when I hear stories of even in my age group of people that, you know, they went to Disneyland or they went to Hawaii or they traveled somewhere when they were younger as kids, I'm going, that wasn't even. I didn't know that Disney Disneyland existed. And I'm not joking about that. I didn't know there was a thing the first time I was. I think I was 20 before the was the first time I got on an airplane. And so it was really. I'm thinking about my upbringing and how limited it was when it came to the thought process around money. I mean, you were a big part of what helped me bust through a lot of my money patterns. And it's just an interesting realization in reflection of how much work we've done around money. I mean, we've done exceptionally well over the years. And when you think about this far on into our journey, just how blessed we've been. I mean, we maybe had some money limitations, but it was a pretty good. The bar was pretty high, let's put it that way. So you know it. But it is interesting to even with that bar set is how much our beliefs have gotten in our way over the years. And so we'll hit on a couple patterns. So here's one. Here's a. I'm going to hit. I did some research the most common beliefs, okay, this one was one that my dad had. I don't know if I carried it forward. Probably I did when I was really young. So rich people are greedy, dishonest, probably even a little selfish. This is one that I think kills wealth before you even get started. I know that that was one of the things I think I was operating on top of for years when I was young man. Because your identity will never let you become something that you judge. Makes sense. What's your thoughts on that rich people are greedy?
- [12:12]
B
Yeah, I guess I didn't have that one. Mine was not really about people and other people. It was about the fact that money didn't grow on trees. So if rich people were greedy in your world, I can see why it would be kind of, that's a morality conversation and that's something that we would have to live within our integrity. So if you busted your money problem or your money issues or your stories that you tell yourself around money, then you'd be greedy, Right. So we collapse. We correlate those things too, right?
- [12:41]
A
Exactly. The one that came for me, and it was because I think just the way we were raised, once again, was I need to be responsible with money or it will disappear. And so for many, myself included, money equals tension, pressure, obligation. I didn't see it as opportunity. Now that all changed, by the way. And again, I credit you for a lot of helping me bust through money issues over the year. But you're pretty responsible with money. What was your story around being responsible, though?
- [13:18]
B
I think I'm very early on, the word that I used and that really helped me when I was working on my money patterns was I created a context for money. And it started out as I am a steward of money. I take care of it and it takes care of me. I invest wisely, I save with gratitude, I spend with joy and abundance. So I started to create this, you know, how we do the context for living of our life. I did a context for money because I knew that in order for me to have the lifestyle I wanted, I was going to have to make way more money than I ever had even dreamed of or even I thought was possible. And so when I started to shift my relationship with money and I started to see it as energy and exchange and flow and that it was everywhere like air. And I started drawing and writing and using those kind, that kind of language. I really started to see where I am a money magnet. And the thoughts I would have, the words that I would use became very powerful. And I am a steward of money. I know where all of my money is. I don't focus on it. I don't. I don't look at my bank account every day and go, you know, I learned very young. I don't know if it was Louise Hay or one of the early on pundits that I studied was that, you know, if you keep looking at your bank account, that is very limited. You know, you're then focused on a number. And I wanted to focus on how I wanted my life to feel and what I wanted to create. And I remember when I was making no money, you know, early on, teaching skating, and I would still want to have a nice car and I still would want to have gas in the car, and I wanted to go out for dinner and I wanted to do those things. And I would have to start telling myself that, yes, I am a money magnet. And I have to be a money magnet in order to have the life that I want. So in order to be that way, I needed to learn how to be responsible. And what my mom taught me was to pay myself first. So even if I got a check for $20, I took 10% of that $2 and I put it somewhere else. So whether it was for savings, for taxes, I mean, I wouldn't make any money for so long that I basically didn't even have to pay taxes. I'd file it and never had to pay taxes. I didn't make enough money. But even then I took 10% and put it away. So basically, by the time I moved out or by the time I was done at university, I did have a little nest egg that kept me going through some hard times. Like when I blew my knee apart and couldn't teach skating for six or eight months. It helped.
- [15:43]
A
That's a really responsible thing to do. That's a very traditional blue collar approach to money. That's good. I'm not making it wrong, but I'm thinking about, you know, I watched interviews with many people, but one that stands out in my mind is Dana White, you know, Ultimate Fighter and all the things that he's done. I don't even remember what he owns anymore, but it doesn't really matter if you know Dana White. So MMA guy owns the whole thing anyways, worth billions now. His whole thing around money is just to have fun. That's what he makes money for. Support my family, have fun. That's it. Money is easy to make. And it's interesting because I've had a couple partners over the years where in their world, money is so easy to make, that's the last thing that they have on their mind. I'm not worried about making money. I can make lots of money. Money making money is easy. And I'm going, wow. Because the belief I've had over the years is money is hard to make. And back to even what I just shared with the story with the young guy that I coached, because I've coached people who work harder than anyone I know, but the belief keeps getting in their way. Of their earning ceiling, you know, their limitation, that thermostat that they hit. When they hit a certain number, his number was like, I can't say, 100 grand. It felt uncomfortable to think that he might make that much money. So you had to bust through that because it was hard to make. So money is hard to make. That's a big belief. What's your thoughts on that one?
- [17:10]
B
Like your rich friends? I, I don't believe that at all. I, I believe money is everywhere. And I remember saying, you know, when we early started in our marriage and, and you were taking care of us financially because I was trying to build a business and I wasn't taking a paycheck. And then there was a time where you weren't taking a paycheck and we were taking turns and, And I just remember thinking, oh my gosh, how is it that we can have this amazing life? And right now I'm not drawing a paycheck and my husband is taking care of me. And I was like, wow, that's wild. Like. And it just motivated me and kept me thinking, okay, well, then we would take turns and then I would scoot ahead. And then I started to understand that if I wanted to make more money, I had to be. I had to scale. I had to learn how to, you know, maximize my time, share my knowledge, mentor people so that I could have multiple streams of income it from other areas. So basically, I didn't really have that limitation around money being hard to make. I just knew that if I was going to be a partner, I wanted to be not just a, you know, a partner in, in just in life. I wanted to be an equal partner and I wanted to share in the financial responsibility and I wanted to invest in our future. And I had those thoughts very, very early on in our. In our relationship.
- [18:30]
A
More beliefs. If I have more, others will have to go with less. It's kind of that scarcity worldview. Now, I've never had this one. I don't think it doesn't show up for me. Even when I was kind of reviewing today and going through the exercise, I've always been pretty connected to how value is actually created. And so for me, I've always thought there's lots to go around. So I've never worried about thinking, well, if I make less or make more, somebody would make less. I don't know if you have a thought process around that. I've never run into anybody that I think had that belief. But there's. It's, it's. This is what the research is showing.
- [19:08]
B
Well, I'm a little bit on that vein. No, I don't. I've never had that one. But it's interesting. That's in the top five of money beliefs. But I. I do know someone who would drive their old truck to the office so that their staff didn't think they had money and they wouldn't ask for raises. I do, I do know that people will play games with money and the appearance of money and. And that they will play money games with other people and tap into, I believe, into other people's money and securities. You know, I remember this person did want to empower the staff because if they got. If they thought they were doing a good job, they're going to ask for a raise. So I think there's a lot of things that happen when we are aware of our money issues that we have to be careful that we don't allow ourselves to get manipulated or we don't manipulate through all those conversations. Like, well, I can't give you another raise. I can't give you more money, because then I'll have to take money from the inventory. I'll have to take money from your other employees or staff members. To me, that's almost like a manipulation thing.
- [20:13]
A
Got it. In that point, I think it was Brady wanted somebody on the football team. I don't remember what his whole story was, but the team said, we can't. We can't justify the cost. We can't pay his salary. We're way over budget. And Brady said, I'll make up the difference.
- [20:32]
B
I remember that.
- [20:33]
A
That's cool. Okay. This was one. I think I went through a phase of this early on, and when I was younger, I'll be judged for wanting wealth. What a weird. That's such an odd one. But I know this one to be true because I think there was a period of time where I thought I'd be judged as, I don't know, shallow, perhaps, for wanting to be wealthy. And I don't know how long I hung onto that. But there was a time, I do remember a window of time. And I know as I'm much younger, and this is one I think is pretty common. Success becomes, in many people's world, socially dangerous. So people sabotage or they shrink. They play smaller than they are thoughts.
- [21:17]
B
Oh, yeah, that's a big one. You know, when I started traveling, you know, a lot in the figure skating circles, and we go to China and there's all the knockoff Fendi bags and, you know, Louis Vuitton and All the, you know, high end stuff, right? And I'm thinking, you know, if I can't have the real thing, I don't really want it. Like, what is that? And then you find out they're all made in China. Everything's made in China just with a stamp on it. But anyway, it doesn't matter. But my thought was too, when you said that is that there's also a flashiness to some people that is kind of irritating or it doesn't really resonate or ring true. You know, the bling, the, you know, the big. Back in the 90s, you know, the. All the rappers with the diamonds teeth and everything. There was a lot of show that had to do with it. And I didn't like, I didn't like that. I thought that was really kind of tacky. And I would rather, you know, drive my 2006 BMW and, you know, and be comfortable and have fun and laugh rather than stretch into the external kind of how it looks mindset of wealth. Like, I would rather. And we've done really well in terms of living under our means and we're not flashy. And I get that. But I get that there's two different ways of handling that. Like if I'm wealthy, I will be seen as an asshole or I'll be ostracized, or my friends won't accept me or, or on the other hand, they'll expect me to always be picking up the tab for dinner.
- [22:43]
A
Okay. I think there's, you know, the point of it is, you know, from my perspective, even what you just said there, right, is that, you know, we. I don't remember exact words, but it was along the lines of, you know, where there's always somebody that makes more than you, there's always somebody to compare yourself to. And I've shared the King of Spain story on a number of occasions, you know, where somebody really, really wealthy is actually comparing himself to the King of Spain. I was comparing myself to my friend or our friend, and he was comparing himself to the King of Spain. So he's a very wealthy dude. But I'm going, you know, here I am thinking I'm doing okay. And then I compare myself to you and I go, I've accomplished nothing. And then I see him comparing himself to the King of Spain. So there's always another level. I mean, I look at it and I go, oh, we've done really, really well. But who sets the bar? Oh, I know what it was is, you know, how we measure ourselves. We don't, you know, we Live under a means we're not that flashy. And I go, yeah, okay, that's true. Compared to who? Yeah, yeah. My point is, is that, you know, there's going to be somebody who looks at how we operate and how we live and go, holy cow, you know. But anyways, it's. It is a funny. It is just the mental aspect of money and finance. It is, it is an interesting topic. And there's a lot of beliefs that are hidden that stop us from accomplishing the financial goals that we have. The point of this is to understand or to examine our beliefs, to actually question what we're believing, what is the story we're telling ourselves. So it takes awareness. Think about what you're thinking about, remembering that a belief isn't a truth. It's the story that maybe at one time was true. Even as we're discussing this, we're talking about in the past. That's what we believed. That belief is no longer there. So we have to continue to expose the belief, question what it is, and then make a different choice and then we work through it so we understand where it came from and then shift the narrative that we have around it.
- [24:51]
B
Yeah. And I think about couples and relationships, you know, not having the money conversation going in. I mean, we were pretty similar in our mindset when we first met. I mean, neither of us really had a whole lot, so it was quite, you know, it was an equal playing field. I think, as you know, really early on our relationship when I started to bust my money issues and started to set some standards and to really live into some of the things that I was taught, you know, from my parents. I think about couples that don't have those conversations or aren't aligned, and I wonder how they stay together because one of the, one of the people in the couple is going to have to compromise. Either the person that has the. Is an abundant mentality and the other one has very much a scarcity mentality. It's going to pull the relationship apart eventually because, you know, it's not money that's the root of all evil. It's the love of money or the, or the abuse of power or all the things. It's not money. Money doesn't have any power, just energy.
- [25:50]
A
Just energy.
- [25:51]
B
Just energy. But if you think about going into a relationship and not know how your partner. What the money beliefs are. Yeah, that's dangerous.
- [26:00]
A
Okay, 100%. Okay. So as we wind down, a couple of things to take away. So wealth is a byproduct of solving problems, not Stepping on people. Okay, that would bust that one. Money doesn't create responsibility. Your relationship with pressure does. That's a good one.
- [26:21]
B
Hey, that's really good.
- [26:22]
A
Hard work doesn't lead to wealth. Useful work does. That's cool. That's a nice little shift, isn't it? Value creation expands the pie. It doesn't shrink anyone else's. And the right people don't judge success. The wrong people do. So in other words, if you're driven to create wealth, build a business, improve the world, bring value, the right people are going to show up and support that success. And we know that to be true. And the other people who don't, they're not going to be there anyways.
- [26:57]
B
That's true. And I think that happens at every level. And anytime you bust through your own mental or emotional limitations, there's going to be that chaos that occurs. You know, there's that storming that happens when you do make a commitment to change. And all of a sudden you have a new mindset or you see an opening somewhere, and then you go, oh, this is where I've limited myself. This is where my beliefs were in my way, and now I don't have that anymore. And then there's a community or a, you know, people that just shrink out of your life because they just can't, they can't go with you in that. And I think that's one of the things that is really scary when you are busting your money. Beliefs.
- [27:34]
A
Interesting. So at the end of the day, what we know is that money, we all have beliefs around money, we all have beliefs around finance, whatever they are. The thing is to draw your attention to it. If you're having a money conversation with yourself, a dissatisfaction with money and you can't make money, and then you have to examine, you have to bring your awareness to what is the story you tell yourself around money. So here's a little exercise. So anybody wants to replay this or has a pen, here's three questions, okay? Or statements that you need to finish. People with money are. Money makes me feel. How does money make you feel? If I had 10 times more money tomorrow, what would the downside be?
- [28:23]
B
Ooh, good questions, isn't it?
- [28:25]
A
And then.
- [28:26]
B
So just repeat them again. What was the first one?
- [28:29]
A
Okay, so the first one is people with money are. Finish that statement. And the key here is go with, like, go with your first answer. Don't overthink them. Don't spend a bunch of time on them. Give them some thought, but don't, don't Overthink your gut.
- [28:45]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [28:47]
A
Money makes me feel what for me, and I think even it showed up today again when I was doing the exercise, is that there's a part of me that money gives me relief.
- [28:58]
B
Yeah. That's interesting.
- [29:01]
A
So if I had 10 times more money tomorrow, what would the downside be? And at the end of the day, your beliefs about money are actually your operating systems. And when we start to understand our belief and understand our operating system, we want to upgrade our operating system within Mine Shui and the Mine Shui Wei, we talk about that often. So take a look at your belief systems around money. Unpack them a little bit. Bring your awareness to those beliefs that you have. If your answers ultimately show fear, they show tension. If they show guilt or judgment, that is the bottleneck. That's what you gotta unpack. It's not about income. It's not about opportunity. It's not about the economy, it's not about the market. It's about how we view money. So it doesn't change who we are. It reveals what's already there. Isn't that the truth? So I'm gonna wrap it up. Any final wise words?
- [30:06]
B
No, other than, you know, mindset, money matters. Money does matter. I don't care who you are. It doesn't mean you have to love money or you have to put money at your top of your values and. But money takes care of things like gives opportunities to your family, gives a nicer, maybe more comfortable life. It allows. It is. We are in a Western culture where we can't set ourselves up to be, you know, the star. I call it the starving artist syndrome, where I have, you know, friends who will not break their money patterns because of the shame that they wouldn't be able to then be as creative with their art or whatever. And I really see that as sad because I think even now in this economy, because we have been, I think, pretty wise with our money, is that we can donate to the food bank, we can help people that need help financially, and we can do it without hooks and without strings or not attachments. And I think that is a really important thing when it comes to money is. And I guess in the religious sense, you know, there's the tithing and the 10% that goes to the church, but there is a cycle that happens that money, when you invest and you invest in yourself and you invest in your community and you invest wisely, then it comes back to you in spades. And I think that's one of the things that I really learned early on.
- [31:23]
A
Beautiful. So if you want a different financial future, start with your beliefs, the hidden beliefs that you want to identify. Remember, the mind Shui way is clarity equals velocity, clutter creates chaos, and awareness is the beginning of the choices that you get to make going forward. Thanks for listening in. Thanks Stephanie.
- [31:44]
B
Hey hon. That was fun.
- [31:47]
A
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. If you found value in the podcast, please take the time to rate and review and share with others. Share with your friends as it is more my goal to always improve and to provide the highest value for you, the listener. If you have any comments, suggestions or questions you'd like answered, please email me@ceoaincanada.com that's CEO.com I look forward to hearing from you. And until next time. Patrick oh.