← The Everyday Millionaire and Mindset Matters Podcast
The Everyday Millionaire and Mindset Matters Podcast
Mindset Matters - Episode #217 - The Secret Operating System Running Your Life
00:28:11
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- [00:00]
A
Foreign. Welcome to this episode of the Everyday Millionaire Mindset Matters podcast where I'm joined by my wife, Olympic mental performance coach Stephanie Hanlon. Francie. In these episodes, Stephanie and I have a conversation about the different aspects of what we refer to as Mindset Matters because we believe that for those who are awake, we are living in and through the most impactful time in history. Your view of the world is the filter for how you will experience the evolution and changing dynamics of it. Our intention is to provide you with ideas, nutritious food for thought, and some tools that you can use to help you in being your greatest self and living your best life. Listen in. Enjoy. So one of the foundations of the work that we do, Stephanie, is built on, of course, the subject of hidden beliefs. It's actually foundational. It's one of the foundations of the things that we build on to. So by definition, hidden beliefs are automatic beliefs about our safety, our worth, our love, our money. It's about effort versus value. And all of that is formed unconsciously during our childhood based on what worked for acceptance, for security, for survival and to be loved. Welcome to the Everyday Millionaire Mindset Matters stick, Stephanie.
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B
Hi hon. This is going to be fun.
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A
It is because there's some data. So research by PubMed Central shows that how secure or how unsafe we felt as children. So the attachment and care that we received as kids growing up early on really or very strongly predicts how we see ourselves as adults. So the research showed in one study of almost 400 kids their childhood they perceived security, for example, feeling safe and supported. It had a significant. If they had a significant positive relationship with adult self concept or so if they had. Let me repeat that. If they had a significant positive relationship with an adult, they had a self concept of themselves that was about resilience and higher than average self esteem. All to say that early connection with parents and our childhood environment shapes our operating system, our operating system of identity. OSI so how we judge ourselves, how we respond to stress, how we divine our values, how we form our relationships. So no pressure parents, but you got to do a good job. That's all there is to it. We're just screwing up our kids. No, that's not true. But the reality of it is that as kids growing up, we inherit these belief systems. We talk about it constantly and self examination. So do you want to add to that?
- [03:10]
B
Oh boy, I thought this was going to be fun.
- [03:13]
A
Well, it is. Okay, so let me go this way. What I want to say is this. I wanted to do more data and bring it to the table because we talk. And depending on who is listening, there's that part of it where it seems quite etheric. It's kind of out there, it's spiritual. But there is a lot of empirical data that's backing up what we're talking about. I think people know that. That's why there are psychologists and psychiatrists. But the point is that how we're raised, the context for our childhood, really shapes our identity as adults. And if we're aware of that, realizing that it's not just the way we are, it's the way our environment and our culture perhaps shaped us. And if we're bumping up against what we're seeing as seeming seemingly of ceilings of limitations, then this is where self examination comes into play. This is what self mastery is really all about.
- [04:14]
B
Well, when you think about identity and operating systems of identity, which I love in the work that we're doing right now in our Mind Shui program, is that when we can self examine and look at where we are and look at our results as a reflection of our mindset, look at how we're showing up in the world, looking what's around us, who's in our life, what type of, you know, do we have an abundance mentality or a scarcity mentality. And I think, you know, for me, what I've really loved over the years and studying different modalities of psychology and, you know, personal coaching, mindset, neuro, linguistic programming, you think about how the brain works and how the mind works. It's really fun to notice families and people that we even have around us who look at themselves as a mentor, as a leader, as a role model for their children. And I think that's really important for me as a coach. And for me, I remember, you know, back in the day when I was having hundreds, thousands of young men and women coming through our hockey program in quantum speed, is that I really held myself as a role model. It didn't mean I had to be perfect. I could fall down and I can have coffee breath and I can have a bad day. But there was always an authenticity and a commitment to really showing up for being my best self and knowing that I was going to be having an effect on, on a young person. And that to me is really important. And one of the things that I bring up early on, especially in my coaching, whether it's with young people, especially young men, is that we have what we call, I call them the ants. And I think it might have been a Carl Jung thing is automatic negative thoughts. It's like, you know, when I bring it up to an athlete and I go, you know what? When you just, you know, you're at a picnic and you see. And, you know, you're sitting there and you're pulling your food out, Next thing you know, there's all this anthill. You're sitting on an ant hill. So. So picturing those ants, those automatic negative thoughts, as little ants that you can squish at any time. Like, you don't need to let them ruin your picnic.
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A
You've never shared that analogy before.
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B
Really? Oh, I use it all. I've been using it for 20 years.
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A
Okay. I've never even overheard you talk about it because I never listened to your calls. But that literally just went, oh, that's really bright. That's really smart, Stephanie.
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B
Thanks, man.
- [06:32]
A
Okay, so do you want to go on with that? Do you want to? Do you want to. It seems like there could be more to that.
- [06:36]
B
Oh, no, I think there's a lot more to that. But ultimately, when we are looking at our automatic negative thoughts, or we're looking at how we're showing up in a situation and we perceive ourselves as a certain Persona, or we have an avatar that we're bringing to every situation, and then sometimes, you know, we're in an environment where people don't know our history, and you can be anybody you want. And that's what I love about performance psychology, is that you can show up, then be anyone you want on the ice, on the stage. There's no limits when it comes to understanding that we can show up as somebody that we believe in. I can show up as somebody that believes in you, and I can show up to somebody that believes in myself. But it takes some work. It takes some work to navigate some of the mindset and maybe some of the, you know, the little T, big T stuff that the trauma stuff that we've been raised through or people are bumping up against. So for us, I think it's really fun when we have our programs and mind shui is that we're creating an environment for people to leave their baggage at the door and step into an identity or an operating system of identity that is free. It's free from all that history, from all those ants, from all those previous labels that we put on ourselves. The, oh, it's just the way I am guy. You know, I love that guy. You know, I married him, and. And I think about, you know, how hard we both have to work in order to stay true to ourselves. And be in this relationship and be a stand for, you know, for growth and for awareness and for just doing the work. So anyway, that's all I got to say about that.
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A
Well, I think you said something. You know, when we think about models, you know, we actually, as growing up, of course, we have parents and relationships with whatever key, other key caregivers there might be in our life. And we kind of create these internal working models based on the people around us. So when we know and we realize, if you just think about it, the models actually influenced and still continue to influence our self esteem, our resilience, how, how clearly we define our concept of us as an adult. And the point of that is, and we've said it many times, is it's a choice. You get to choose. Once you realize that. Hold it, is this still serving me? You know, at some point it probably did and maybe now it doesn't. And that's become. That becomes the point of entry saying, okay, I get to choose. What's the new model? Who do I want to model? Myself. And this is so fascinating. It kind of just the other day, whatever I'm scrolling and this feed, because we talk a lot about self mastery. You know, that's really the program of Mindschwaite, self mastery on the journey of self mastery. And there's never end to it, but it is. Having done and understanding that whole work of personal development, for me, it's now mastery. I've done all the work, I did many, many years of personal development. Now it's about mastery. My point is this. I'm watching and going through this feed and I think it might have been like one of the earliest guys that was talking about personal development. We'll call it. Was it Nightingale?
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B
Oh, wow, that's. Yeah, he's really, really early.
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A
Literally, I think this is in like.
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B
The early Alan Watts was the one. The Alan Watts one I sent you?
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A
No, this was maybe. No, I don't think it was him, but it doesn't matter. He's sitting in a, you know, suit and tie. It's like a film in like, it's 50s or 60s, it's really old. And he literally looks into the camera and he's going, you get to choose who you want to be. Think of somebody that you admire. Think of the characteristics that you admire about that person. Write them down, then put them into play. And I'm going, hold it.
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B
We teach that.
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A
We teach that. And I go, what the hell? There's nothing new, is there? But the point of it is it just Verifies that for years this work continues. And ultimately it is such a great hack is that people go, I don't know what I want. Okay, well, I understand that. Look around you. What is the model that you admire? What is that person? What is the qualities of those individuals that you admire? What is it about them? And it can't be, well, they have money. Got it. That's an outcome. But who are they in achieving the result of having a lot of money? Who were they? What are those characteristics that we can adopt? We always go back to the foundational thing that we both believe is it's not about the outcome. It's who you need to become to achieve that outcome. And when you think about lifestyle and who you want in life, this is what I struggle with. It's like, who do you want to be? Because I'm so always looking at, where do I take responsibility? How am I responsible for. For the outcome If I don't like this outcome, if I don't like what's going on, who do I need to be to change it? That's a question I'm constantly living in, which may sound like, when are you just gonna ever be satisfied? Well, I am, by the way, but it doesn't mean I don't stop wanting to grow. So the model is a really cool hack to work around it, and it's been around a long time is all I'm saying. I was. Is it Conan, Nightingale Conan or something like that?
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B
It's. Yeah, it's Nightingale. Earl Nightingale. He was the founder.
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A
Nighting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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B
Personal development. Really?
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A
Yes. So we have this identity, and it's built on a script wrapped around what we believe. And as we grow, we can't just carry those hidden beliefs forever. We can, but in the world of self mastery, we realize that our hidden beliefs could be what's holding us back from really achieving what it is that we say we want. And I think it all comes back to happiness. Right? You think?
- [12:38]
B
Yeah, And I think we should do a whole podcast on what happiness is and what happiness isn't. Right. And the search for happiness is not outside of us. Right. It's not about achieving a certain thing or getting to that thing. And then I'll be happy. And in two weeks, when I finish this project, then I'll be happy. That happiness is as much of a journey of an internal. You know, it's like it's an inside job. Happiness is an inside job. And it doesn't matter, really. What's going on in the external is that you can choose to see how you can be happy in those situations. It doesn't mean you have to have rose colored glasses. But finding the peace and finding the joy in any situation, I think to me can be a part of your identity. I choose that to be part of my identity. I don't want to be grumpy pants. I don't want to be the person that brings other people down. I want to be the person that is seeing the glass half full or, you know, especially if it's wine, I want it to be half full all the time. But ultimately there's, there's an identity that we think that we're locked into. And I was dealing, not dealing with, but working with a young man, ice dancer. And I remember we were talking about avatars and we're talking about, there's a really great book called the Alter Ego Effect. And you know, a lot of athletes and business people and, and when you realize that you're not stuck in the identity that you were quote unquote, born with or labeled or you're not a vict them to the culture. I mean, that's why these culture wars and the things that are going on right now in our, in the divisiveness of our society is that people are believing they are their skin color, they are their ethnicity, they are their religion. And it's like, no, no, that is not true. But if we're going to lock their stop there, then we're not going to elevate our culture, we're not going to elevate our society and our spirituality to a place where we can actually all, you know, sit around and sing Kumbaya if we want to or, you know, we're just going to continue to tear things down so we can choose how we show up. And we choose our identity, we choose our role models. But what's interesting is that when I see right now a little bit with young men is they're looking to outside of themselves to find a role model. Because there's just not a lot of strong, masculine, sensitive, you know, abundant, creative role models out there. You're either like a Andrew Tate or you're like a, you know, a man that wants to be a woman. There's like, doesn't seem really to be middle ground right now, right?
- [15:11]
A
Well, I don't know. I think there's middle ground, but that's just how I see the world. I think there's, you know, when we go back to the happiness conversation, people searching for happiness outside of them, you know, time and Again, as we witness have conversations, have con. You know, have conversations. Within the Everyday Millionaire podcast where I'm interviewing people there, the, the search for happiness is internal. It's an inside job, as you say. Peter Crone has a great quote which. The prison of our, the prison of our mind that everyone lives in or the, the prison that everyone lives in is in their mind, which is there's something wrong with our life and that's the prison that we live in. So we're constantly looking for something more outside of ourselves because our mind says there's something wrong with our life if we can just be grateful for the life that we have. I'm not saying that's easy, by the way. I struggle with that one sometimes. But the point of it is it all comes from whatever unexamined beliefs that we have. And there's a cost to those because if we don't consider our beliefs, they run us and they run us on autopilot. So what ends up happening, I think, is that we perpetuate those limiting beliefs about whether it be about money or relationship or success or love, and they don't serve us anymore. And we have to update, upgrade our software, our operating system, our operating system of identity. And we go through that experience of shifting and I don't know, it's sometimes pretty hard because that may actually affect relationships that we have today. That judgment, you know, are we willing to be misunderstood in a new context of our life and of who we are rather than just think, oh, this is just the way I am. It goes back to that. So it always is about self examination and understanding that we have the opportunity and probably the obligation to others around us to change and to adapt to whatever's happening in our life at this point in our life and what's ever happening in the world. I don't know. Does that make sense?
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B
Yeah, it totally does. But it also brings up to me about, you know, the authenticity piece is that, you know, can you be who you are in all areas of your life? I remember years ago we had some friends from that lived in Mexico and they came up and stayed with us for a week or so in Edmonton. And on day, day four or five, I remember them coming up from the basement for coffee in the morning or something and then they'd been talking about us and they, they said, you know, in all the years we've lived in Mexico and come back to Canada and hung out with people, you're the first people, the first couple that's exactly the same at your house as you were on vacation.
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A
That's true.
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B
And I took that as a huge compliment because most people change their identity. They go into a completely different identity when they're on vacation or when they're at work or in, you know, so what for me is that I wanted to be my. What part of my commitment when I was building my identity is I wanted to be consistent and to be, have my values lead and, and, and, and kind of be grounded in first principles and in everything that I do. And I remember somebody saying that, obviously saying that to us about, you know, you're the same people. That's so weird. And then thinking about, I know people and I'm in relationship with people and I have businesses with people who have several different identities. So if you put them in the same room, and this happened at one of my friend's wedding is that all of the friends that she had didn't know each other number one, but they knew her as somebody different. So she was constantly changing her identity to fit in. Whether it was with sports people or with music people or with. It was business people. She would elevate this and you know, and then she had the party girls and like, it was just, it was exhausting to be around it. And I don't know how she did it. I hope she's okay.
- [19:19]
A
I'm sure she is. But, but, but you make a really good point, right? Is that when we talk about vacation, our observation, and I guess it's a judgment, but my observation is that a lot of people, when they go on vacation, it's like they're escaping their life. And I think that we go on vacation to rest, not to escape our life. So we're not looking for something more. All we're looking for is a new experience, some great weather, kick back, not have to sit in front of a desk or in front of a laptop if we don't want to. It's not about escaping life. It is literally about a new experience, perhaps often, but it's also just about getting some well deserved rest, as they.
- [20:02]
B
Were saying, changing the energy, flipping it. Yeah, recharging, recharging, you know, and it's really funny about us is that we go on vacation and we fight for like, for the first two days, you know, And I think I've talked to people about that before and they're like, yeah, we do too. Like, why is that? And I came up with the term years ago. I call it re intimation because we get so caught up in our lives and businesses and doing things and I'm traveling and I'm. I've got this going on and I'm. I feel all filled up when I come back from an event. And then I sleep for two days and whatever. And then we get to vacation and we're just looking at each other. Like, no distractions, no screens, no computers, no cats, no dogs, no rats and elephants, you know, no. It's like, okay, here we go. And I start to look forward to that because that re. Intimation, that reconnection to the intimacy and the friendship that I so value in our relationship is that I always want that to be first. And I know sometimes, and I've had conversations with other families and couples that they really are afraid of those times and they're terrified to have those conversations and those. Because they can feel like confrontation. But if you know who you are in the relationship and you're clear on your identity and you have your values in order, then what happens is, you know, if you get a conflict and something, you know, bumping into something or whatever. As long as your meta values align and you're really committed to what you believe in in your relationship, then the fight or the discomfort or the argument or whatever is just part of that. To get back to the intimacy.
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A
Yeah. What I want to get to, around all of it is that, oh my.
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B
Gosh, you're so amazing, sweetheart.
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A
Oh my gosh, you're so amazing, sweetheart. Like, it's unbelievable, right? Not really. Really? You are amazing. So where do we want to go with this conversation right now?
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B
Identity. Identity. Identity.
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A
Choose identity. Being aware, make a choice, be conscious and making the choices in the journey of self mastery, that's really what it is, is up in the game being the best version of yourself. Self examination, self awareness, hidden beliefs has become a really big part of the work that we do. Meta values and values, these are all foundational kind of works. It gives us a context for how we can show up and how we can handle all of the things that are coming at us in life. I think where I was thinking about this is, you know, over the years, when you consider both of us self employed, different businesses supporting each other on that journey, we had to, we did take on identities of being different. Like, I had to take on a really different role in supporting you in what you were doing, because what you were doing was pretty special. It was pretty unique. It was out there in terms of the work that you were doing. For example, when you were at the Oilers or St. Louis Blues. Even now, I mean, this many years later, you're still traveling the world. And where I wanted to go with this is think about, you know, where were you? You did France, you did Finland, Lake Placid.
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B
Now I'm going Japan.
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A
Lake Placid, Japan. All of that in what, six, eight weeks. And at one point, you're gone for a couple of weeks. And so when I say that the identity around for me in our relationship is how do I support your success? And it's not convenient, but we're fun.
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B
It's overwhelming. Like, you're stuck with everything.
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A
Yeah.
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B
And I thank. Gosh, we have good support. And, you know, we've got char and we've got people that can help us, but.
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A
Yeah, yeah. Well, we've created the environment. We can. Created the conv. Environment for it. But again, it's like there's. There's a part of that which is so about somebody else. And that was always an interesting shift that I had to make is being in the relationship and being supportive. That was part of an identity that I had to take on. And not begrudgingly had never occurred to me before. It wasn't how I was raised. And so that was part of one of the many shifts that I had to make, is that I was so engaged in terms of how do I support you in achieving your goals, your business goals. And. And you did the same. I didn't know that it was different, I was gonna say, but I think it was different. It was different for me because it was not by nature. I had to literally shift how I held space for you and really wanting to support you. So I don't know where it's going with that part of my identity.
- [24:49]
B
It is. And I think what. What has for me the appreciation factor and knowing that this is my calling. I don't have a choice. Like, it is so powerful, and I'm so driven, and I know that what I'm doing, it makes a massive difference in the world to the people that I work with. I'm not saying, you know, I'm changing. No, I'm not curing cancer here, but I am changing the lives and the trajectory of the people that I work with. And I know I can't do that without having a partner that. And you who sees that and can go, I don't maybe get it half the time. And it's really awkward, and it's really hard for me to look after this property and the dogs and the cats and the businesses and to be alone for two weeks like that, you're. You're not driven to Be alone. Whereas as I can go and I can be alone, I can be in my hotel room by myself for 24 hours and then go for two hours to the rink and I'm fine. But I have so much respect for and appreciation for the fact that you see that I don't. This is what I do and this is, I'm doing this for us. And I'm doing it because I know there's a higher purpose somewhere. And when I get my insecurities and my aunts, my automatic negative thoughts and I feel insecure and I go, well, I'll just quit. Because I don't want you to be alone and I don't want you to feel bad. And then I go down this rabbit hole of, well, then what will our life be like?
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A
Yeah, well, I wouldn't like to like, do you know how bad I'd feel if you said, well, I got, you know, like, you can't take it anymore. I got to quit doing what I'm doing. I couldn't. No, that would never work for me either. So we're fine. I don't know where he's going with.
- [26:25]
B
All that, but, but I think what it is too. Yeah, hun, when, when you think of identity, we're living in, in times right now where there's identity politics, there's. Everybody is putting their own identity or their own individuality ahead of the common good or vice versa. I think that what I want to make sure that we're talking about is that when we're helping people figure out their identity, their operating system of identity is that it is based on values and it's based on who they are being and not just about what they're doing and how they're going to shape their lives and the lives of their families. Because right now identity is being used in many ways, as you know, to pull our society apart. And I just want our way of being and how we explain it and how we help people figure out who they are is that it comes from a very heart centered and soul centered space.
- [27:20]
A
Beautiful. And on that we're going to call this another episode of Mindset Matters. Thanks, Stephanie.
- [27:28]
B
Okay. It was really was fun, I admit it. Bye bye.
- [27:35]
A
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. If you found value in the podcast, please take the time to rate and review and share with others. Share with your friends as it is my goal to always improve and to provide the highest value for you, the listener. If you have any comments, suggestions or questions you'd like answered, please email me the end at at CEO@raincanada.com. that's CEO@reincanada.com. i look forward to hearing from you. And until next time, Patrick.
- [28:08]
B
Oh.