The Five – "All Tricks, No Treats"

Date: October 31, 2025
Host: Kennedy
Panel: Greg Gutfeld, Paul Morrow, Harold Ford Jr., Joey Jones

Overview

This Halloween episode of The Five delves into the ongoing government shutdown, the stoking of public fear over food stamp cuts, political theatrics in Washington, the controversy over the filibuster and Senate norms, immigration enforcement on Halloween, the trans debate in media, and a rapid-fire round of personal anecdotes and cultural commentary. The tone is irreverent, sharp, and combative, with the panelists trading biting remarks and political barbs throughout.

Key Topics & Insights

1. Shutdown Drama and the Nuclear Option

(00:06 – 07:43)

• President Trump is considering ending the filibuster ("nuclear option") as the government shutdown reaches Day 31.
• The panel mocks Democrats, claiming they manufacture fear over the shutdown and food stamp cuts.
• Greg Gutfeld rails against Democrats for, in his view, focusing on “imaginary fears” (climate change, culture wars) while ignoring real issues (crime, cost of living, public education).
• Federal judges thwarted a shutdown-triggered food stamp cut, sparking debate about judicial intervention.

Notable Quote

"If you tabulated the opportunity costs of fabricated fears just on climate change alone, it's $1.3 trillion a year that was spent. And you actually had applied that to actual problems... how many problems could have been solved if we didn't sink all of that money into an imaginary fear?"
— Greg Gutfeld (04:48)

Timestamps:

• [00:06] Halloween setup; Trump and the filibuster
• [01:16] Halloween and shutdown hysteria
• [03:14] Greg on the "bathroom" as metaphor for needed White House cleaning
• [05:26] Joey on demise of old Washington, inevitability of nuclear option

2. Senate Discord and End of Statesmanship

(07:16 – 10:25)

• Joey: There's no return to bipartisan statesmanship — whoever's in charge uses the rules at hand.
• Harold Ford Jr.: The filibuster protects minority interests in the Senate; he’s discouraged that both sides aren’t negotiating.
• Paul Morrow: Dems’ messaging has shifted from "health care is under threat" to "food stamps are under threat" as polling dictates.

Notable Quotes

"The old statesman's way of governing is a bygone era. It's gone..."
— Joey Jones (06:22)

"If I were president... you need a president that will come to the table and say, here's what we're going to do... For the life of me, I don't understand how we can be... the hottest country in the world, yet 42 million people are on food stamps."
— Harold Ford Jr. (07:49)

Timestamps:

• [07:16] Kennedy: The Senate as the "upper chamber" untenably polarized
• [07:43] Harold's take on party dynamics and SNAP/obesity crisis

3. Political Messaging and Class Wars

(10:25 – 13:13)

• Paul Morrow categorizes the left: “anarchists” vs. “elitists," with elites desperate to be accepted by radicals.
• He calls out politicians and media figures with privileged backgrounds for preaching to middle America, claiming they’re disconnected from real working lives.
• Judicial "forum shopping" is criticized regarding SNAP funding decisions.

Notable Quote

"On the left, the Democratic Party, right now you're either an anarchist or an elitist. And the elitists want to be down with the anarchists."
— Paul Morrow (10:25)

Timestamps:

• [10:25] Kamala Harris's outburst as an example of politicians trying to appear "street"
• [12:00] Judges and forum shopping on SNAP cases

4. Immigration Enforcement on Halloween

(14:53 – 22:30)

• Illinois Gov. Pritzker's call for a pause in ICE operations for Halloween is skewered.
• Joey introduces a now-indicted former Media Matters employee; the panel mocks her reaction and the broader "rage-watching" culture among leftist critics.
• Greg points out hypocrisy: left-wing groups decry ICE on holidays but ignore the seriousness of the crimes involved.
• panel debates “basic human decency” and the need to target real criminals, not blanket deportations; discusses slow asylum hearings.

Notable Quotes

"What are you going to do next? Stop it because it's Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day?... Just say you don't want them to do it because it's successful."
— Greg Gutfeld (17:27)

"...if the basic human decency is fighting for the rights for the worst people to stay in these communities and continue to terrorize them, I think that's pretty awful."
— Kennedy (19:07)

Timestamps:

• [14:53] Pritzker’s request and ICE operations
• [15:36] Media Matters and political activism
• [18:45] Kennedy/Joey on Pritzker’s “basic decency”
• [21:52] Disagreement about selective deportation

5. Glamour UK’s “Woman of the Year” and the Transgender Debate

(25:04 – 30:11)

• Glamour UK’s selection of nine trans women (biological males) for their "Woman of the Year" cover sparks heated banter.
• J.K. Rowling’s (quoted) criticism is praised by several panelists, who lament an alleged erasure of women from feminist spaces under the guise of “virtue signaling.”
• The group discusses generational divides and cultural propaganda, with references to teenage readers.

Notable Quotes

"Now mainstream women's magazines tell girls that men are better women than they are. Amazing."
— J.K. Rowling (read by Paul Morrow, 25:49)

"...as a biological female, I know this. The ugly truth is, in some cases, in many cases, feminism ends up at a dead end. The most misogynist of humans are women like Glamour, who now put men in dresses in front of women because fundamentally, they are anti women."
— Greg Gutfeld (27:26)

Timestamps:

• [25:04] Paul introduces the Glamour UK controversy
• [26:47] Kennedy and Greg on what it means to be a woman

6. Lighter Segment: Cop Caught Without Pants

(30:24 – 32:16)

• A Detroit cop appears in court virtually without wearing pants—laughed off by the panel.
• Panelists share anecdotes about lax remote work attire and joke at the cop’s expense, but show some sympathy.

Memorable Lines

"I've heard of plain clothes cop, but not a no clothes cop."
— Greg Gutfeld (32:16)
"I'd still like to throw the cuffs on him."
— Kennedy (32:13)

Timestamp:

• [30:24] Segment starts

7. Fan Mail Friday (Halloween Edition)

(32:36 – 36:56)

• The panel shares their least favorite Halloween candies (candy corn comes under fire).
• Personal struggles with kicking bad habits; Joey Jones admits sobriety after painkiller dependency.
• Lighthearted discussion about ghosts and superstitions.
• Greg jokes: “I’ve never seen a ghost unless you count Kat Timpf, she’s so skinny she’s like a ghost.”

Timestamps:

• [32:36] Halloween candy preferences
• [34:26] Hardest habits kicked
• [36:25] Ghost stories

8. One More Thing (Closing Roundtable)

(37:24 – End)

• Quick plugs for upcoming shows and appearances.
• Greg’s “Sexy Bison News”: light feature about bison’s role in prairie ecology—a wink at the "prairie pothole" region.
• Harold honors 75 years since the NBA’s racial integration.
• Joey promotes his “Veterans Inc.” docuseries.
• Kennedy tells a quick story about nudists arrested on the wrong beach.
• Paul shares a feel-good story about a dog rescue in San Francisco.

Quotes:

"...NBA, racially integrated, had its first African American players...their legacy continues today 75 years later."
— Harold Ford Jr. (38:56)

Timestamps:

• [37:41] Greg’s tour and bison video
• [38:56] Harold’s NBA tribute
• [39:17] Joey on Veterans Inc.

Memorable Quotes (With Timestamps)

• "I wish they would put some effort into the real fears instead of the imaginary ones." — Greg Gutfeld (04:27)
• "We can miss it, long for it, but it's like missing your grandparents. House doesn't exist anymore. Even if the House does, they don't." — Joey Jones (06:31)
• "All you want is to be in front of the cameras and have a couple of clippable lines so you look like a tough guy. But if you really want to be president...sit down with Homeland Security..." — Kennedy (19:07)
• "Could have been much worse. We could have seen the Motor City man parts. And I'm glad we didn't." — Kennedy (32:02)
• "They have balls for doing that." — Greg Gutfeld on Glamour UK’s trans cover (27:16)

Tone & Style

• Satirical, irreverent, and combative
• Jokes intermingle with serious critique
• Frequent friendly (and not-so-friendly) taunting among panelists
• Strong right-of-center narrative lens on political developments

Recommended Segments

• 03:14 – 05:26: Gutfeld's monologue on “luxury fears” and misplaced political priorities
• 10:25 – 13:13: Morrow on “anarchists and elitists” in the Democratic Party
• 25:04 – 30:11: Glamour UK panel on feminism and cultural signaling
• 32:36 – 36:56: "Fan Mail Friday" — the panel at their most unscripted, funny, and personal

Listeners can expect:

• Fiery, often tongue-in-cheek debate over current events
• Clear partisan perspectives and populist barbs
• Cultural hot buttons (trans issues, media bias) tackled with gusto

Skip: Intros, promos, and unrelated plugs

For Newcomers

The Five on Halloween offers both political fireworks and levity, with each panelist bringing their own mix of wit, snark, and policy grievance. The episode moves rapidly between hard news and holiday humor, making it ideal for listeners who prefer their commentary brisk, breezy, and frequently outrageous.