Podcast Summary: The Five
Episode: CENTCOM: Iran’s Military Being Totally Dismantled
Date: March 11, 2026
Host & Panelists: Emily Compagno (host), Jessica Charloff, Jesse Watters, Dana Perino, Greg Gutfeld
Overview
This episode of "The Five" centers on breaking news regarding U.S. military actions against Iran, specifically the dismantling of Iran’s navy and escalating tensions in the Middle East. The cast analyzes the political, military, and domestic fallout, debates media and Democratic reactions, and covers additional topics including government spending, fraud scandals in blue states, economic concerns, and political quirks.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. U.S. Military Successes Against Iran
[00:00-02:46]
- U.S. CENTCOM Announcement: U.S. forces have reportedly destroyed 16 Iranian mine-laying ships, with President Trump boasting about decimating Iran’s military:
- “We’ve knocked out their navy, their military in all forms... including their leadership. Twice we knocked out twice their leadership. And now they have a new group coming up. Let’s see what happens to them.” (President Trump, paraphrased by Jesse Watters, [01:36])
- Presidential Statements: Trump claims the war will soon end because “there is practically nothing left to target” and threatens Iran with “destruction on a level never seen before.”
- Panel Reaction: The hosts stress the scale and speed of the campaign, with Jesse Watters calling the military effort “pin prick precise” and the “most accurate aerial campaign in the history of warfare.” [04:52]
2. Media & Democratic Response
[02:07-03:43]
- Conspiracy Claims: Democrats and liberal media suggest Trump manufactured the crisis to distract from domestic stories.
- Greg Gutfeld: “This is meant to get us so worked up that we are unable to see anything else.” [02:21]
- Military Spending Critique: Outrage over Pentagon spending—particularly on luxury foods like lobster and steak during war—prompted partisan debate.
- Jesse Watters: “What are Democrats arguing, that troops don’t deserve surf and turf?... Every Pentagon does this.” [03:43]
3. Civilian Casualties & Collateral Issues
[06:33-09:22]
- Jessica Charloff’s Concern: Argues the war isn’t as surgical as claimed—points to inability to stop missile/drone production and Russian aid to Iran. Raises reports of civilian deaths due to possible U.S. mistakes.
- “Never mind the 180 that died in the Iranian state school, over 100 schoolchildren. And by the way, the preliminary inquiry report is out and it does look like it was our missile...” [06:33-09:22]
4. Shifting War Objectives & Regime Change
[09:22-11:34]
- Goalpost Moving: Jessica argues the U.S. war aims—originally about ending Iran’s nuclear program and potentially regime change—are now less clear, focusing on missile factories and military targets.
- Ayatollah Transition: New “Ayatollah Junior,” described as more hardline, is crippled but consolidating power after family deaths.
5. Surf & Turf Spending—Context and Morale
[09:27-11:34]
- Dana Perino: Emphasizes high military morale and recruitment, equates food spending controversy with past bureaucratic waste stories:
- “What they spent on surf and turf is $7 million less than a doctor charged in a year to treat fake autism patients.” [09:27]
- Clarifies ‘Mission Accomplished’ history: “It never should’ve happened. There was a wrong banner, but it was not a declaration that the war was over.” [10:35]
6. Partisan Rhetoric & Identity Politics
[11:38-14:06]
- Greg Gutfeld dismisses Democratic criticisms as distracted by “identity politics, pronouns, trans body positivity.”
- “So when we’re doing adult stuff, you go to the kiddie table.” [12:40]
- On Fiscal Year-End Spending: Gutfeld points out both parties are guilty, but at least spending on troops is better than “drag queen story hour in Cambodia.”
7. Gas Prices, “Affordability Tour,” and Inflation
[15:09-19:46]
- Gas Prices’ Political Fallout:
- Greg: “A barrel of Brent crude shot over $100... The average price for a gallon is $3.54—a 17% increase since the start of the war.” [15:25]
- Democrats now blame Trump’s war for rising prices, despite previously blaming Putin/Russia during the Biden era.
- Strategic Petroleum Reserve: Dana notes Dems resisted refilling it at low prices during Biden years, now want Trump to release it at high prices.
- Trump’s Affordability Tour: Emily says Trump’s team is being “hyper-efficient” and is “listening to the American public” focusing on everyday wallet issues. [17:21]
8. Fraud & Scandal in Blue States
[22:26-30:36]
- Minnesota Medicaid Fraud (Tim Walz):
- Reported $9 billion scandal and alleged suppression of whistleblowers.
- “You tried to silence the whistleblowers... Because you call any look into the Somali fraud, you were considered racist.” – Greg Gutfeld [25:05]
- California Hospice Scam: Newsom’s office claims to have a crackdown, but panel’s skeptical of efficacy.
- Broader Issues: Dana, Emily, and Jessica discuss mega-fraud in Medicaid and the importance of persistent journalism.
9. Shoplifting Advocacy Controversy
[31:24-35:23]
- Minnesota Democrat Suggests Studying Benefits of Shoplifting: Video surfaces of a lawmaker musing about possible societal benefits of shoplifting—promptly claims sarcasm.
- Cultural Response:
- Emily: “Recreational probiotic thieving... is what excuses the entire rampant epidemic of shoplifting that actually results in security guards getting stabbed...” [32:16]
- Greg: Criticizes media for “shaping emotion,” particularly when affluent white women are profiled shoplifting.
10. Political Oddities: Trump’s “Dress Code”
[36:53-39:22]
- WSJ reports Trump gifts his staff matching $145 Oxford shoes, and Jesses tells a story about being “collar-shamed” by Trump into changing his shirt style.
- “He bought me a bunch of shirts with a normal collar. I felt pressure to wear it, but it was too big.” – Jesse Waters [37:27]
11. Lighter Moments & Personal Stories
[40:06-42:23]
- Jessica’s Birthday: Surprise cupcakes and stories about her being the “mystery reader” at her daughter’s preschool.
- Dolphin Sightings in NYC & Tiger Facts: Quick human-interest stories close the episode on a softer tone.
Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments
-
On U.S. Strike Accuracy:
“We are pin prick precise. It has been surgical. Is it perfect? Absolutely not.” – Jesse Watters [04:52] -
On Shifting Objectives in Iran:
“The goalposts have shifted further than a football field...We haven’t been able to stop their production, and we haven’t been able to stop the drones.” – Jessica Charloff [07:35] -
On Public Spending:
“What they spent on surf and turf is $7 million less than a doctor charged in a year to treat fake autism patients.” – Dana Perino [09:27] -
On Identity Politics:
“The Democrats are like a brat that just completed a semester at Yale lecturing gramps on white privilege. You don’t need to hear it, everyone.” – Greg Gutfeld [12:56] -
On Gas Prices:
“Average price...is $3.54. That’s a 17% increase since the start of the war.” – Greg Gutfeld [15:25] -
On Fraud in Blue States:
“You tried to silence the whistleblowers. You smeared people who want to investigate... Because you call any look into the Somali fraud, you were considered racist.” – Greg Gutfeld [25:05] -
On Shoplifting Narrative:
“Don’t make it seem okay because the whole point is it’s not. If it’s Whole Foods on that day, then what mom and pop store is it the next day?” – Emily Compagno [32:52] -
On Trump’s Team Gifts:
“All the boys have them, said a female White House official. Another joked, it’s hysterical because everybody’s afraid not to wear them.” – Jessica Charloff [37:12]
Important Timestamps
- [00:00-02:46] – Breaking news on Iran’s navy dismantling and Trump’s statements
- [03:43-06:27] – Surf & turf controversy and military morale
- [06:33-09:22] – Civilian casualties and shifting military objectives
- [15:09-16:09] – Inflation update, gas prices, and “Affordability Tour”
- [22:26-27:57] – Medicaid and hospice fraud in Minnesota and California
- [31:24-35:35] – Shoplifting “benefits” debate and media treatment
- [36:53-39:22] – Trump’s “dress code” story
- [40:06-42:23] – Jessica’s birthday, dolphins in NYC, and animal facts
Tone & Language
The episode is fast-paced, highly partisan, and sarcastic. The panelists use humor and personal anecdotes to make political points, and there is consistent ribbing among the hosts, especially when addressing perceived hypocrisy or failures of the opposing party.
Conclusion
This episode of The Five reflects the highly charged political atmosphere of March 2026, blending breaking military news, domestic policy debates, and personal banter. The hosts analyze success and controversy in the U.S.-Iran conflict, highlight government spending and fraud scandals, debate economic pressures, and skewer both sides with humor and pointed commentary. For those who missed it, the episode captures the interplay between national security headlines and the ever-present drama of American politics and culture.