The Five 05-25-2026

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Five – Memorial Day Special (05-25-2026)

Overview:
This episode of The Five airs on Memorial Day, blending the show's signature banter, fan mail Q&A, pop culture debates, playful ribbing, and in-depth commentary on current political events. The panel—Greg Gutfeld, Dana Perino, Harold Ford Jr., Jesse Watters, and Emily Compagno—balances lighthearted humor with discussions on masculinity, party politics ahead of the 2028 race, and cultural trends, all while honoring America’s fallen heroes.

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Honoring Memorial Day & Kicking Off Fan Mail Q&A

(00:00 – 08:13)

• Opening Tone:
  Greg Gutfeld sets the mood, reminding listeners that, amidst summer celebrations, “let’s not forget what today is about: honoring and saluting our military heroes who made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom” (A, 00:14).

• Quirky Questions from Fans:
  Each host shares the “most useless thing” they still have memorized:

  • Dana recalls her first childhood phone number (B, 00:52).
  • Harold boasts song lyrics from New Edition; Emily knows the Greek alphabet by a sorority song (C & E, 02:04 & 02:12).
  • Jesse recites “M, I, S, S, I, S, S, I, P, P, I” and admits it’s not especially useful (D, 01:48).

• Nostalgic TV & Childhood Memories:
  The group reminisces about TV favorites like “Gilligan’s Island” and “Fantasy Island” (01:26–02:58).

Notable Quote:

• “I think all of this is valuable for at least bar trivia.” — Emily (E, 02:12)

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Fun & Playful Fan Questions

(08:13 – 15:07)

• Can You Change a Flat Tire?

  • Most of the panel, including Emily, admits they can’t (E, 03:10). Greg jokes, “As a Democrat, you just try to convince the tire to change” (A, 03:28; C, 03:34).

• Ending Arguments:

  • Dana’s strategy: “I just say, ‘we’ll see.’” (B, 04:29)
  • Jesse: “That’s enough, Jessica” (D, 04:34)
  • Harold: “It’s good to be back around the table.” (C, 04:59)
  • Greg notes, “For men, it’s ‘I’m sorry.’” (A, 04:55)
  • Emily alternates between “thanks so much” and “I totally hear you” depending on her mood (E, 05:05).

• Theme Song for Your Life:
  Panelists pick songs tied to their roots:

  • Jesse raps “In West Philadelphia born and raised…” (“Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”) (D, 06:01)
  • Emily goes with an Oakland rap classic; Dana cites “Rocky Mountain High” (B, 07:16).

Notable Quote:

• “I always say, ‘I’ll be right back’ and then never come back.” — Greg (A, 05:20)

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Childhood Nostalgia & Urban Legends

(09:17 – 12:06)

• What Do You Miss From Childhood?

  • Greg: “Poop outside.” (A, 09:28)
  • Emily: “Exploring in the woods… untethered.” (E, 09:39)
  • Harold: “Eat anything I wanted.” (C, 10:04)
  • Dana: “Roller skates. Skating at Skate City.” (B, 10:33)

• Bigfoot and UFOs:

  • Emily is all-in on Bigfoot (E, 11:06); Greg jokes about sightings dropping after Rosie O’Donnell moved (A, 11:25). Jesse: “I’m a Bigfoot believer and a UFO believer, and we’ll be covering both tonight on Jesse Watters Prime Time.” (D, 11:44)

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State Renaming and Graduation Aspirations

(12:06 – 14:48)

• If You Could Rename a State:
  Panel riffs on funny or tricky names/abbreviations:

  • Jesse: “Idaho is a little offensive…” (D, 12:09)
  • Greg dislikes the “MO” abbreviation for Missouri (A, 12:53).

• Graduation Dreams:
  Panelists share their post-graduation visions:

  • Jesse wanted to be an investment banker but jokes about lacking math skills (D, 14:04).
  • Harold aspired to join the Clinton administration (C, 14:14).
  • Emily once considered becoming a fighter pilot (E, 14:27).
  • Greg humorously claims a failed dance career due to a “groin pull” (A, 14:34).

Memorable Moment:

• “You look good in tights.” — Emily (E, 15:04, joking to Greg after his dance story)

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2028 Democratic Hopefuls & Political Dissection

(16:36 – 26:06)

• Gavin Newsom’s Style and Strategy:

  • Panel skewers Newsom’s “stupid signaling” (A, 17:18) and “strategy is, I’m just like you. I’m stupid” (A, 17:18).
  • Jesse: “I don’t want a president who struggles to read. I want a really smart president.” (D, 18:24)

• Debating Democratic “Project 2029” Priorities:

  • Emily pushes “restoring the rule of law”—including prosecuting wrongdoers in the current administration (I, 20:04).
  • Harold: Democrats should focus on real-life issues, not just prosecuting previous officials (C, 20:25).

• Kamala Harris and Biden Critiques:

  • Jesse: Harris must “distinguish herself from Biden” and explain her border policies (D, 19:37).
  • Greg: Democrats need to confront and change, but resist doing so due to sunk costs (A, 21:44).

• Pritzker’s Problematic Messaging:
  Panel calls out shifting stances: “Governor, do you think the president has dementia… or do you think he’s evil and making these decisions with full intent to harm?” (B, 24:39)

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Masculinity in Modern America

(26:30 – 32:55)

• Are We Still Making Manly Men?

  • Panel jokes about the casting search for a TV "JFK Jr." lacking true '90s masculinity (D, 26:39).
  • Greg: “Every guy in there is a dork. There’s slobs, chain smokers... Men go outside and do things.” (A, 27:49)
  • Harold: “Young men are isolated and lonely… disconnected and inactive.” (C, 30:17)

• Cultural Shift and Blame:

  • Dana discusses how shifting messaging—especially during the Obama years—alienated many men (B, 30:44).
  • Greg: “The three words a woman loves to hear is ‘I love you.’ Two words men want to hear is ‘thank you.’ The Democratic Party’s two words were ‘get lost.’” (A, 31:18)
  • Jesse: “For years, the left sneered at dudes being dudes, labeling toughness as toxic masculinity. But after Trump's victory, the culture shifted...” (D, 31:58)

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Dating, Relationships, and Modern Love Trends

(32:55 – 37:47)

• Keeping Score in Relationships:

  • Greg claims he and his wife keep a household chart, playfully, for chores “and it’s very strict” (A, 33:43).
  • Dana: “Women are obviously carrying the emotional load.” (B, 33:37)

• Dating Trends:

  • “Choremance”: doing chores as a couple’s bonding activity (C, 35:40; A, 35:52).
  • “Luddite Boyfriend”: new trend is to find a guy with no social media (C, 36:13).
  • Panel debates whether returning a disliked engagement ring is acceptable (B, 36:43; D, 37:01 jokes: “If you do, he gets to sleep with the maid of honor.”)

• Genuine Compliments in Dating:
  Jesse: “Treat a woman like crap right away… I’m kidding. Your compliments have to be genuine. If she looks good, tell her. Just don’t overdo it.” (D, 37:24)

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Fast Food Favorites—Closing Out with Lighthearted Fun

(38:04 – 39:43)

• Favorite Road Food:
  • Harold: Popeyes or Roy Rogers (C, 38:21).
  • Dana: A&W Root Beer (“There’s no root beer like it.”) (B, 38:37)
  • Jesse: McDonald's classic Quarter Pounder (D, 38:54)
  • Emily: “In-N-Out, animal style... also Dick’s in Seattle.” (E, 39:10)

Notable Quote:

• “You go lie down the middle of the road and lick it animal style.” — Greg (A, 39:36)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “I think all of this is valuable for at least bar trivia.” — Emily, (E, 02:12)
• “The three words a woman loves to hear is ‘I love you.’ Two words men want to hear is ‘thank you.’ The Democratic Party’s two words were ‘get lost.’” — Greg (A, 31:18)
• “If you do [return the ring], he gets to sleep with the maid of honor. Those are the rules. I didn’t make the rules.” — Jesse (D, 37:01)
• “For years, the left sneered at dudes being dudes, labeling toughness as toxic masculinity.” — Jesse (D, 31:58)
• “Treat a woman like crap right away… I’m kidding. Your compliments have to be genuine.” — Jesse (D, 37:24)

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Overall Takeaway

This Memorial Day special delivers a full dose of The Five's trademark chemistry: humor, camaraderie, cultural critique, and accessible political commentary. The episode intersperses heartfelt tributes to military heroes amid playful banter, candid personal stories, hot-button political analysis, and pop-culture riffs appealing to a broad audience.

Transcript

[A]

Now, Hi, I'm Greg Gutfeld, along with Emily Campagno, Harold Ford Jr. Jesse Waters. And her pool float is a bottle cap. Dana Brino. This is a special edition of the Five. It's Memorial Day, the unofficial kickoff to summer. But before chowing down on barbecue or lathering sunscreen on Jesse for some fun in the sun, let's not forget what today is about. Honoring and saluting our military heroes who made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom. We have a huge show ahead, starting with your fan mail questions. So why don't we kick it off with this interesting one from Mary. What is the most useless thing that you still have memorized, Dana?

[B]

The first thing that comes to me is my first phone number.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

303-748-6418.

[A]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[B]

For whoever has that number. Now.

[A]

What was the area code? What was the area code?

[B]

303.

[A]

303.

[C]

Do you remember your first phone number? Home phone number?

[A]

Yes, for sure. 415-345-0690.

[D]

I don't remember mine.

[B]

You don't?

[C]

13-467-779.

[A]

What happens?

[E]

510-529-1531.

[D]

Wait, wait, I know mine. 215-843-0941. It just. That's awesome. Yes.

[B]

Your parents make sure that you know the number.

[A]

Yeah, it was amazing. But you remembered everybody's numbers. It was great. And when you got a new number, you would, like, sit and try to memorize. Like, if you had a. If you, like, met a girl, or in your case, a boy, you would remember the number. Your new best friend. Then you'd have to lose numbers. What about you, Jesse?

[D]

Mississippi. M, I, S, S, I, S, S, I, P, P, I, Mississippi.

[A]

Oh, that's good.

[D]

Yeah, it's useless.

[B]

That's not taking up a lot of space in there.

[D]

Yeah, it's a limited amount of space. Dana.

[C]

P's coming hard on Memorial Day.

[A]

What about you, Harold?

[C]

I know. I mean, the lyrics to Like Every New Edition and boys and Mrs. I think that actually comes in handy sometimes. But not as much as I like.

[E]

All right. I take issue with the useless part because I think all of this is valuable for at least bar trivia. But what popped in my head was to learn the Greek Alphabet in the sorority to the song. So it's like alpha, beta, gamma, delta, epsilon, zeta, eta, theta, Iota, you know, and it goes on. And choreography, too.

[A]

So I'm gonna go with just sit right back in your hearing.

[D]

You're a tale A tale of a Faithful trip. Doo, doo doo.

[A]

That started Gilligan Talon, which I watched every day coming home from school for, like, forever.

[B]

I got off the bus and had to run home because it was about a quarter mile, and then if I got there in time, I could catch Gilligan's Island.

[A]

Exactly. It was amazing back then. No repeats either.

[C]

All right, what was the one with the tattoo? The plane? That was fantasy.

[A]

Fantasy Island. Fantasy Island. Wow.

[B]

Do you want to apologize to anybody now?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Could you?

[A]

This is from Stephen. Could you change a flat tire by yourself, Emily?

[E]

No, I can't.

[B]

No.

[A]

And why would you? You're a lady.

[B]

Well, I'm aaa.

[E]

I should, and I wish I could, but I just haven't.

[A]

Maybe you should go home after the show and practice. Change some tires.

[E]

But I can drive a manual, so I feel that makes up to it for it.

[A]

Well, Harold, I cannot. You cannot? As a Democrat, you just try to convince the tire to change.

[C]

I see both sides of the tire.

[A]

You see both sides? Both sides, yes. Jesse, have you changed anything?

[D]

Well, when I let the air out of Emma's tires.

[A]

Kidding. Never happened.

[D]

Never happened.

[A]

You will never live that down.

[D]

I don't know if I can do that, though.

[B]

Yeah, no, I remember. I cannot. But I do remember when my dad tried to make me learn. And, you know, like, when someone's trying to teach you something, you're just like, uh, huh.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm like, I'm never gonna be able to do this. We lived out in the country. You kind of needed to know how.

[A]

Yeah, you did. You did.

[B]

But I never got a flat tire.

[A]

Yeah, I don't think I could now. I used to change my own oil. Yeah, that's crazy. Excuse me. Grease monkey. Racist much?

[C]

Happy Memorial Day.

[A]

What is wrong with this world? All right, that's not a question. This is an interesting one. What is your best line to end an argument?

[B]

I got one.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

What?

[B]

I just say, we'll see. Oh, we'll see. It's easy.

[A]

All right, Jesse, what do I usually say with Jessica? You say, that's enough, Jessica.

[D]

She loves that.

[A]

That's enough.

[D]

And then my hand goes here. Yeah. She hates the.

[A]

Yeah, that's it.

[D]

Yeah. I usually don't end it. I usually lose most arguments.

[A]

That's true.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I think for men, it's. I'm sorry.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What about you, Harold?

[C]

I normally say, it's good to be back around the table.

[A]

Yes. That's it.

[C]

That's it.

[A]

Wow, Emily.

[E]

Well, I guess it depends if I'm being snarky or generous. So it would either be, thanks so much, or it would be like, I totally hear you.

[A]

Yeah, the best one, I. Go ahead, Harold.

[C]

Or if it's depending on the real business, Bless your heart.

[A]

Condescending. I always say, I'll be right back and then never come back.

[B]

That's actually good.

[A]

Oh, it always works. I'll be right back. Yeah, because you know what? If you say something, the first thing you're going to say that you want to say, you're going to end up regretting. So it's just like, hey, I'll be right back. And just. Even if you're in a store, just leave all the groceries.

[C]

Just go on the grill.

[A]

On the grill. Yes. In a car. Just step out of a moving car. Cliff asks what song would best sum up your life? Don't say My Way.

[C]

That's a good one.

[D]

In West Philadelphia, born and raised on a playground is where I spend most of my days. Come on, Harold.

[A]

Who is that?

[D]

Fresh Prince Whitty.

[A]

Yes, it is. I'm. Yeah. I was born in the NWA era.

[D]

Let's go.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Straight Outta Compton Crazy Mother Nate Ice Cube From a gang cult with attitude Useless information memorized in my head it's amazing.

[E]

I guess for me, since I'm from Oakland, it would be too short to take the military so you punks can't join the same pop. It's called Underground Rap From Oakland, California. And the beep sounds fat be mind

[C]

this is what we do in the five.

[F]

Yes.

[C]

People are not watching. Since we're going with our hometown I love a little Al Green Little love

[A]

and happiness yeah, I can see you grooving Some Al Green Satin shorty robe Satin shorty robe Leaning seductively against the kitchen counter with a cup of tea. Hey. I didn't expect you home so early.

[D]

Whoa.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Those are rose petals.

[B]

I feel like mine is going to disappoint, but it's probably going to make you so Rocky Mountain high is the only thing that comes to mind. Colorado. Sing it, Jesse Denver.

[D]

I don't know that one. Go ahead, take us off. Take us away, Dana.

[B]

Colorado.

[D]

Yeah, you just kind of hum that one.

[A]

He was an odd dude. John Denver. A little bit odd, you know, but a great man. I'm going to go with the End by the Doors. This is the end this is the end. My only friend. Up next, the one thing you always wanted to know about me. What could that be?

[D]

1879 Menlo Park, New Jersey. Edison and his team were trying to build a light bulb that wouldn't burn out after a few hours. But over and over, their tests failed. The concept of electric light had been around for decades, but no one could find a wire strong enough to take the heat. That all changed when Edison's team got a bulb to burn for more than 13 hours. After thousands of attempts, a carbon filament was the key. It was an exercise in perseverance and the determination to bring an affordable light bulb to the American public. Edison famously gave the credit to his team's hard work. Genius, he said, is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. He would go on to produce 1100 patents and become one of the greatest American inventors the world has ever seen. Celebrate America's birthday. Go to foxnews.com America250 a little don't know where I am. I'm a little bit holy water, but still a little bit Burning Man.

[B]

And welcome Back to the 5. We're answering your questions this Memorial Day. Here is the first one from Debbie B. What did you do when you were a child you wish you could do today, Greg?

[A]

Oh, wow. There's a lot of things I don't know. Poop outside.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I know a lot of people miss that. Yeah, Emily, you too. You laughed hard.

[E]

I'm sorry. I know I'm such an immature sense of humor. I sometimes hate that I laugh so hard at all your jokes this morning. I think it would be the, like, the exploration outside, you know, in the woods for hours on end with imagination. Because there's no, like, no matter what. Now we are drawn inside to the Internet and the phones and that kind of thing. So I think it would be that untethered.

[C]

Poop outside, Harold.

[B]

Poop outside.

[C]

I wish I could eat anything I wanted to eat. I used to eat so much fast food, I could still eat it, but I wouldn't fit at the table.

[B]

And we want you around the table, Harold. Jesse.

[D]

Skinny dipping. We used to skinny dip in my family in Maine. The whole family? Not the whole family. What am I talking about?

[E]

Childhood.

[D]

Free. You were free back then. You could just go out and just do your thing and no one really cared.

[B]

You know, what comes to my mind

[D]

is frowned upon now?

[B]

Roller skates. Skating at Skate City. I was good. I loved that.

[C]

Could you do it?

[B]

Could you do it? I could definitely. I could shoot the duck. Everything you know, you know. All right.

[D]

Shoot the duck.

[B]

Do you not know what that is?

[D]

No. Let's shoot the duck.

[B]

It's when you're skating along and then you squat down and you kick One foot out. It was called Shoot the Duck.

[D]

Oh. I thought it was when you go under someone's legs.

[B]

No, I don't know that one.

[D]

I'll show you later.

[B]

All right. Emily, do you believe Bigfoot exists? If. Yes. Is there a connection with UFOs?

[E]

Oh, yes. Bigfoot. And he's sort of like a messenger from the second dimension. So he is around Portal.

[B]

Do you believe that? Sorry, Harold, I do not.

[C]

I don't. Maybe it's because I don't have the imagination. My buddy Brett Baer believes in those UFOs, but I.

[B]

He does.

[C]

He does.

[B]

Whoa. Okay. Do you?

[A]

Well, it's interesting. A conspiracy that I'm kind of beginning to believe is how you noticed Bigfoot sightings almost disappeared in America once Rosie o' Donnell moved to Ireland.

[B]

Yeah, it was. We. Yeah, I noticed that Google search, it really drops off.

[A]

Yeah, it really does. It's strange.

[B]

Really strange. Jesse.

[D]

Yeah, I'm a Bigfoot believer and a UFO believer, and we'll be covering both tonight on Jesse Waters Prime Time.

[B]

Okay, here's from Dawkins. D. Jesse, if you could rename one state, what state would that be? What would the new name be?

[C]

Good one.

[B]

I mean, this is. That's kind of hard. I mean, all the states are.

[D]

I think Idaho is a little offensive. So I would just go Idaho.

[B]

Emily.

[E]

Oh, gosh. I'm trying to think of one that's, like, hard to spell. So that'd be, you know, M.S.M. i, S, S, I, S, S, I, P, P, I. Yes, that would be a favor to everyone.

[B]

You know what?

[E]

I would rename one of the North Souths so it would, like, separate them. Maybe West Virginia.

[G]

You know what?

[E]

Emily in.

[B]

Yeah. Okay, perfect. We'll work on. That's a workshop then. Great.

[A]

I'm not bothered by the names, but I have a problem with the abbreviation for Missouri.

[B]

I know, it's confusing. The post office really screwed it up.

[A]

Yeah. This is something that we're. It's a. It's a 21st century. We should fix the abbreviation of Missouri. We've waited along. Let's end this long Stain on our history.

[D]

Mo.

[A]

Mo.

[B]

Mo.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, seriously, how.

[D]

What should it be?

[A]

I don't. Am I.

[D]

That's Michigan.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, then Michigan should be M. Screw Michigan.

[B]

All right, Harold, your turn.

[C]

You know, I'm a Michigan fan. So. Ohio. Oh, we don't really like them, so I don't know what I. Maybe.

[B]

Oh, Lo.

[A]

Yo.

[C]

Little Michigan.

[B]

I thought we were gonna run out of time before I came. I guess California. It's a beautiful state. Right? But you could almost call it California.

[D]

California.

[A]

Wow. A lot of thought into that one.

[C]

You guys.

[B]

Do we have time for one more? Okay. Since it's graduation seasons, what were your plans and dreams at that time of your life when you were graduating, Jesse, at 38?

[D]

Oh, I wanted to be an investment banker. Turns out you have to have a basic grasp of arithmetic to manage millions of dollars.

[B]

I think you've done all right. I think you've done okay, Harold.

[C]

Basic grasp. When I graduated college, it was 92 and Bill Clinton won the presidency. I didn't think a Democrat would ever win again. So I was, I look forward to going to work in his administration, which I got a chance to do.

[B]

Okay, Emily.

[E]

I just disengaged myself from wanting to be a fighter pilot and then was

[B]

headed towards law school. Okay. Fighter pilot. I never knew that. Okay. Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, I mean, most people have know my story from reading my many books, but obviously graduate in 87. I was going to be a dancer and but a horrible, horrible injury and I could no longer dance.

[D]

What happened? Was it the groin?

[A]

It was a groin pole. Yes, it was. I had to go through years and years reconstructive surgery and anyway, how'd they do? It was all right. It was okay. I have to get drained every now and then, swelling.

[E]

You look good in tight.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

All right. Up next, a look back at some of the biggest moments from the 2028 Democrat hopefuls when our Memorial Day special returns.

[D]

Scared to live, scared to die. We ain't perfect but we try get along, always give love the upper hand. Paint a wall, learn to dance, Call your mom.

[G]

Bye.

[F]

I'm Mike Emanuel in Washington. Here's a look at some of today's headlines. President Trump is insisting on what he calls a meaningful deal to end the conflict with Iran. The president posted that negotiations are proceeding nicely. He says any agreement with Iran should include a requirement for several additional countries to join the Abraham Accords, including Saudi Arabia and Turkey. President Trump also participated in Memorial Day ceremonies today at Arlington National Cemetery. He laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and praised what he called those who fell so that a republic might stand. We are learning new information about the man fatally shot by Secret Service agents after authorities said he opened fire at a White House security checkpoint Saturday. 21 year old Nasir Best was well known to law enforcement. A bystander wounded in the incident is in serious but non life threatening conditions. Stock markets were closed today. Join us for a live special report 6 Eastern.

[D]

Welcome back. Democrats warming up at the bullpen for their likely 20, 28 White House runs. But Momola, JB back ribs and greasy gav already appear to be striking out. Take a look.

[H]

I'm like you. I'm no better than you. You know, I'm a 960 SAT guy. And you know, and I'm not trying to offend anyone, you know, trying to act all there if you got 940, but literally a 960sat guy. I cannot. You've never seen me read a speech because I cannot read a speech. Maybe the wrong business to be in.

[A]

His strategy is, I'm just like you. I'm stupid. And this is the way. This is his way of subverting his reputation as a silver spooned elitist. But it says something that's worse. I think it says, I got this far. Despite my bad grades, despite my laziness, despite my womanizing, I am a true elitist. Because whenever this rich kid partied too much, got kicked out wherever mommy and daddy pulled strings, I'm the rich white guy that didn't have to work that hard. I look, my sats are the numbers rarely more than me just signing my name. I think you get what, 600 for that? I don't know. It's stupid signaling. We used to have virtue signaling. Now we have stupid signaling. And so the thing is that him being dim is a sign of depth, which is insulting to the audience. Right? I would never do that. I compliment the audience by expecting them to keep up with me. I will not dumb anything down. Unless, of course, Kill Me is on.

[B]

You have to.

[A]

Then you have to. You have no choice.

[D]

I don't want a president who scores poorly. I don't want a president who struggles to read. I want a really smart president. Now, Gavin says he had dyslexia and he's overcome his dyslexia and he's become governor.

[B]

And she.

[D]

He should be proud of that. It's great, a great accomplishment. But he was a terrible governor.

[A]

Given that, she might. Or she's thinking about doing it again. What flaws? Because we talk about this all the time. We never get anywhere. What flaws will she need to honestly confront and repair? And we could rehab her here on the Five if we give her the right advice.

[G]

She does like the show. Remember that.

[D]

She loves me.

[A]

She can't deny my brooding sexuality.

[G]

I've actually heard that that is not the case. Sorry to break it to you. I know you guys. You thought you had something special. Listen, right now, everyone is jockeying for their spot in the poly market. Odds, and this keeps all of that alive. I. I don't think that she's running, but I think that she likes being at the top or, you know, close with Gavin Newsom at the top.

[A]

If she's going to do it again, what flaws does she need to confront? I mean, so many of them, I guess.

[B]

Yeah, all the flaws.

[D]

I mean, I would just off the top of my head say she has to distinguish herself from Biden. She never did it. That's what sank her on the View. So that's number one. Number two, she has to explain the border. And if she does win the presidency, you have to say, I'm not going to blow it wide open like I did last time. And she also just has to speak with confidence.

[C]

All right.

[B]

She's always very serious. What does a Project 2029 agenda look like for you?

[I]

One is we've got to restore the rule of law, and that means holding people accountable who've broken the law and talking about in this administration, when we get a new one, the people in this administration who've broken the law and federal agents who've broken the law need to be held accountable.

[A]

And that means criminally prosecuted, Criminally prosecuted,

[I]

civilly, prosecutor, whatever it is that we can do.

[C]

Where I differ with Governor Pritzkers, I've said many, many times I don't believe that voters are going to go to the polls and vote for Democrats if they want to prosecute, if that's the foremost thing they want to do or that's the nucleus of the plan. You have housing challenges. People can't afford them. That's what Democrats ought to be talking about. But truth be told, Governor Pritzker had a good night last night. And the question becomes, does that. Can you translate that two years from now?

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

That's a long time.

[D]

Good morning.

[B]

Good morning,

[A]

Rev.

[B]

I'm going to use the F word. Who are feckless. Obliterated it, he said. You know how he likes to use those kind of words. Obliterated it. Kind of. Rev acts like a mob boss, so then he's kind of like, well, you know, you take Eastern Europe and I'll take the Western Hemisphere, and then you over there, you. You get Asia, and we'll just divide it up.

[A]

Are you going to run again in 2018?

[D]

I might. I might. I'm thinking about it.

[A]

Obviously, nothing has changed for them. They do everything possible, but.

[D]

But.

[A]

Except the one thing they need to do, which is change, which requires Admitting that they went down the wrong path because they don't want to relinquish the sunk costs of all their mistakes.

[G]

Every prominent Democrat, save for Kamala Harris and from what we've heard from Joe Biden, has talked explicitly about mistakes that were made throughout the Biden years. Talking about open border problems and how that wasn't addressed on time, media strategy problems, telling people, no, your wallet is fuller than you think it is, or we have a faster recovery than everyone else in the G7, so you should be thankful for that. That we prioritize cultural issues over economic issues or that was people's perception of us. So I just don't see that as reality.

[D]

Greasy Gav just cooked up a word salad that would put Kamala to shame. What is the thing you want to like, you want to accomplish like politically in your life?

[H]

I don't have like a brand. I'm into that whole 60s, the vernacular of the 60s, solving for ignorance and poverty and disease and the spirit of this 60s and the spirit of King and you know, and how the non violent movement in Gandhi and you know, Havel and you know, Mandela, that whole, that moral authority, not for that whole space. That's the zeitgeist.

[D]

If you had to define it like,

[H]

I need your help and you get, you tell me you're better at this.

[A]

I don't know.

[D]

I don't know who you.

[H]

I my why. But how do you translate that into human What?

[D]

So the guy asked you how do you want to deliver American people? And he said Gandhi haval zeitgeist. What was that?

[B]

I don't know. I can watch that again. Because he's like, wait, what? It's the same interesting about the Democrats. Like they have time to try to pull it together and maybe they will. The other thing that they're wanting to do here is to I think just separate themselves so much from President Trump that I'm not saying they're rooting for America to lose, but they're not saying America wants to win. And I get it, that America tired of forever wars, but they also really want to win. They don't like losing. And rooting for failure is a terrible idea.

[C]

Democrats shouldn't feel overconfident because of the 2025 results and even the last few weeks results, because if you don't have answers either party, if you think it's all partisanship, you're not going to win. What I do agree with Greg on is that Donald Trump is a transformational figure in politics. He upended the normal Vernacular, he's aligned with Republicans, but he has Democrat views and he has Republican views and he has some views that defy both. Part, please. You're going to win the electorate if you answer, if you take seriously their concerns.

[D]

Dems are desperate for some headlines, so they're upping the shock factor. JB Pritzker trying to tip the scales by dropping the D word on Trump despite telling Americans that Joe Biden's pudding brain was just fine.

[I]

I think the man has dementia. I don't really understand how it works up there.

[B]

You have to make a choice. Governor, do you think the president has dementia and therefore can't be responsible for his actions, or do you think he's evil and making these decisions with full intent to harm? I mean, I think that he's, I think he's a. I'm not advising him, but obviously he'd be a terrible candidate because if you can't get that right, can't bat that away. That's pretty bad. Also, it's ridiculous. He also said something about how he was the target of anti Semitism, but he attributed all of it to Trump. And you know, without any sort of willingness to look at the left. And at least in this interview, it

[A]

would be nice if Pritzker could, could talk policy, but he can't because still on the key two key issues, he strongly is against cooperating with immigration authorities which have allowed, because of not cooperating, has allowed illegal violent felons to harm innocent people and recommit heinous crimes. He's expanded sanctuary cities which he claims is for public safety, which is like saying remove the loc of your doors and that way crooks won't break your windows. He's pro trans in girls bathrooms and if you disagree with him, you're cruel. He thinks men could play in women's sports and he feeds into the victim status of trans when we know it's false. Who has dementia? I mean, he doesn't even have that excuse. What is the reason for your insanity, you pig?

[D]

Coming up, is America still making manly men? The answer when our Memorial Day special continues.

[E]

Welcome back to our Memorial Day special, Make America masculine again. Turns out toxic masculinity was the only thing toxic about it.

[B]

Watch this.

[D]

So is America still making manly men? The creators of Love Story almost had to shut down production because they struggled to find a guy who could portray the 90s era masculinity and coolness of JFK Jr. They wanted, quote, a man with his hair on his chest. Sort of Richard Gere, Tom Selleck. The classic chiseled looks. We're not making those guys anymore for some reason. And he really needed to have that. Is that it, Jessica? Is that what you guys want?

[G]

The hair on the chest sometimes, if that's your thing. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, the guy who's portraying JFK Jr. Whose name escapes me right now, is a lot bigger than JFK Jr actually was JFK Jr I grew up a couple blocks away from where he lived. Was a very slight guy.

[B]

Tiny, tiny. Now. Tiny, tiny, slight. Greg was bigger than he was.

[D]

You were bigger than Greg.

[G]

Beat him up.

[E]

But this is. It's for tv. But.

[D]

Oh, he's short, that guy.

[G]

Greg. No, I was saying Greg is shorter than JFK Jr. Was. Anyway, there are men go outside. They're around.

[B]

Let me jump in.

[A]

Yeah, if you watch the show, which I do, and I really do enjoy it, it's great. It's popcorn, pure and simple. Every guy in there is a dork. There's slobs, chain smokers. They walk around all the time with their mouth open. Because that's what you did in the 90s.

[D]

You did.

[A]

What's up? There are men out there. It's just that a lot of guys in New York City, where all these people write these stories, are meeting guys who are into porn and games. They're at home and porn. Again, those aren't men. Men go outside and do things. Jesse. I don't think it's masculinity that's the problem. It's the demonization of masculine traits which used to be lauded, like being protective and brave and competitive and short and stock.

[D]

You know, I'm tempted to make fun of you, but you did say you had a shoulder injury from lifting weights.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

And I saw pictures of you back in the day, and you. You actually. You actually looked like you lifted.

[A]

I was really. I was pretty ripped. Remember, I was the editor of Men's Health while you were sitting around playing your little games.

[D]

Like what? Like what games was I playing?

[A]

Well, I don't know.

[D]

What games was squash? Greg say, Greg what?

[A]

Golf?

[B]

Mario Kart.

[A]

You know, Jessica, you're married to a quite a masculine man. I've seen him. He's large man. How does he deal?

[E]

Very large.

[A]

Being married to a woman within a culture that doesn't appreciate men, he probably doesn't complain because he's a man. Isn't that the problem? Men just don't complain enough about the. The misandry of your party.

[D]

Act like women and complain more.

[G]

Yes, we don't nag.

[A]

We just don't nag.

[G]

The whole man flu epidemic, how you guys get barely sick and think that it's like going to kill you is a big thing.

[B]

Not only do the Democrats, did the Democrats lose white men, but so did corporate America really think about what, look what Gillette did. They actually, they spent money, probably millions of dollars to create a toxic masculinity campaign that basically said, we don't even want your business, we don't want you to work for us, we don't want anything to do with you. And now all of a sudden the Democrats are like, oh shoot, now we've got to get them back. But you can't just get them back by saying, oh, we want to get you back and let's go have a beer. You have to have the policy ideas that back it up.

[C]

I think young men, we're facing a time where this digital connection, the constant digital connection young men had. I think Greg said it very, very well at the outset about how these men are isolated and lonely and disconnected and inactive. I think Scott said something about sexually inactive and socially inactive. We've got to find ways to reconnect because I think you become more susceptible to some of this online craziness and radicalization that we see young boys, young men being gripped around.

[B]

The crisis has been building for many years, but it goes back for a while, like the decades, especially during the Obama years. Now Obama did try at one point talked about fathers needing to be more present. But that was followed by the attacks on, remember when all the Title IX stuff happened and they started going after men on campuses all over. So why do you think that men over 15 years started to feel like they don't matter and they were willing to be a part of society but they don't want to be a part of that party anymore. I don't know how they crawled back

[A]

from that they were so called co opted or why they left her party. They need to ask who said masculinity was toxic in the first place? Who was always portraying males as, you know, potential rapists and or racists. Who said that fitness and meritocracy and achievement were somehow emblematic of white supremacy. This didn't come from us. You know, someone once said, I don't know who said this. The three words a woman loves to hear is I love you. Two words men want to hear is thank you. The Democratic Party's two words were get lost. And men don't like to be in places where they are not wanted. So they left.

[D]

For years, the left sneered at dudes being dudes, labeling toughness as toxic masculinity. But after Trump's victory, the culture shifted. And now UFC boss Dana White's throwing punches back, defending his sports unapologetically masculine edge. Can this bubble over to too much when you hear toxic masculinity? What's that mean? You tell me.

[C]

You just said it.

[D]

What's the definition of toxic? How can somebody be too masculine?

[A]

Is that a possibility? Can you be too masculine?

[D]

You tell me. No. You think so? The answer is, hell no. Dana, you were. You were making a lot of noises during that interview.

[B]

I just think if you're a journalist and you bring up something like, what about toxic masculinity? And he says, what's that mean? And you say, you tell me. That is not a journalistic question. He doesn't want to say what it means. He couldn't even say. Well, let me tell you what it says in the dictionary. Let me quote somebody for you. Let me. He doesn't want to do that.

[E]

Up next, if you're single and ready to mingle, you do not want to miss the five favorite dating tips when we return.

[C]

Welcome back. On this Memorial Day, it's the dating advice you never ask for. Watch this.

[D]

Keeping score on the chores may be killing your romance. A study says that couples who constantly track who did the dishes, ran errands, or carried the emotional load. The emotional load tend to be less happy. Dana, you're snickering.

[B]

Well, I just think like carrying an emotional load. Well, obviously the women are doing that.

[D]

Do you help out around the house, Greg?

[A]

Yeah. We actually have a chart on the wall where we do keep score. And it's very strict. And the winner. You know what the winner gets?

[D]

Tell me. I know, you sicko. Gold star.

[C]

I want to know both sides.

[A]

Please tell me that it is both sides.

[B]

Oh, my word.

[D]

Harold probably takes out the garbage. Absolutely. And then what would she do? Harold?

[C]

Whatever it is she done asked me to do. I grill. I cook on the weekend. My responsibility. More of the weekends.

[D]

Harold, do you know what a vacuum is?

[C]

Is that that thing that you.

[A]

Absolutely.

[G]

Bad news for my party. Even in the easy block, I can't get off. A new study reveals that men with left leaning political affiliations boast the highest rates of gold digging, which they define as a partly psycho.

[A]

Psychopathy.

[G]

Psychopathy linked to social tactic. It doesn't mean words aren't so hard for me sometimes. Jesse, what do you think about the left leaning gold diggers?

[D]

Left leaning Men are really women. I didn't need a study to tell me that. I mean, what did you expect, Jessica? They act like girls, they look like girls. What do you think they're going to treat a guy like a girl would treat a guy? Suck them dry? Theoretically, you know what?

[A]

Anyone could be a gold digger. But this, the way we portray this is inaccurate. It's not liberal men. It's the homosexual liberal. That's what they said was more likely to be a gold digger is a homosexual liberal. And that is because a young homosexual man can entice an older man the same way a female gold digger would entice a pro athlete based on sex, sex and sex. It's the storyline for the talented Mr. Ripley, White Lotus, Liberace and Three's Company. If you might remember, Mr. Roper.

[C]

Can doing the laundry together be romantic? Choremance is a new dating trend where you do chores together. Mr. Gutfeld, is this a. Is this a trend in the Gutfeld household?

[A]

Yes, we do it naked.

[B]

One thing you have to check is the woman should load the dishwasher and then just see if he tries to correct it and reload it. Because you didn't do it correctly. Because he has a different vision in his mind. And then the key is, if you end up getting married, he always does the dishes. It's perfect. See how that works?

[C]

Are your dating problems just too online? Women say the hottest new type is the Luddite. I hope I said that right. Boyfriend. Basically a digital free unicorn who has no Instagram, no tweets and isn't posting any memes.

[A]

Well, there are trade offs in everything, right? So you get a guy who's not online, you can't do any background checking on him, and then you gotta go in blind and meet somebody at a bar.

[C]

Advice columnist for the New York Post. Getting asked, quote, my fiance proposed, but I hate the ring. Can I give it back?

[B]

I got married to my great grandmother's gold wedding band and years later I put it in a very safe place. And I cannot find that safe place. But I'm sure it's in a safe place.

[D]

You can give the ring back, but if you do, he gets to sleep with the maid of honor.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

Those are the rules. I didn't make the rules. Those are the rules.

[G]

I think you might be my soulmate. According to a new survey, most young women say early compliments like that are a red flag when it comes to dating, saying it's just love bombing to get them to bet. And the most unwanted compliment you Remind me of my ex, but better.

[D]

You want advice from me?

[C]

No.

[D]

Here's my advice. I would tell guys, treat a woman like crap right away. You don't look at her. You barely acknowledge.

[B]

Take it back.

[D]

I'm kidding. Your compliments have to be genuine. That's the thing. Like, you just can't. You can't overdo it. I mean, if she looks good, she looks good. Tell her. But just don't overdo it so much.

[C]

One more fan mail question is up next in this special edition of the Five.

[A]

All right, this is the last question of our Memorial Day special. It's a very simple one from Mike Z. What is your favorite on the road fast food place? On the road fast food place. I immediately one came to mind. But Harold,

[C]

I would go with Popeyes.

[A]

Popeyes.

[C]

Or Roy Rogers, which is an old school.

[A]

Oh, I know Roy Rogers. Are they really on the road, though? What roads?

[C]

They'd be in those. They'd be in those, like, marts off the side. We have a gas station, like four. Four things. Roy Rogers used to be there.

[A]

Dana.

[B]

A and W. Root beer.

[A]

That's what I was gonna say.

[B]

There's no root beer like it.

[A]

Yeah, but also they were the first fast food to really have bacon on their burgers.

[B]

And also you could drive up and. You drive up and they could come to your.

[A]

On the way to Lake Tahoe. That's where we'd stop. In Auburn, California. Jesse.

[D]

Mickey D's.

[A]

Yeah. Classic D's. Classic.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What's your favorite sandwich? I'm a Mickey D's burger.

[D]

I'll do the quarter powder with cheese.

[A]

You're a weak person.

[D]

What do you like the Filet o fish you sick of?

[A]

No, I don't eat any. I don't eat any fish. That's just a weak person. Emily.

[E]

In Auburn, we would go to the Dairy Queen, but I will.

[A]

Oh, the Dairy Queen. How about Foster's Freeze?

[E]

No, I just remember. Anyway, I would say my favorite on the road is. Wait, I just listen. Oh, in n out, obviously, but animal style, obviously. And then not on the road animal style.

[D]

What's that?

[A]

We're talking about food not on the.

[E]

Oh, my God. It's the not on the menu menu. It's like the secret code. So you order animal style for anything. Fries, burger, whatever. And then it's like a special. Chopped onions and all these things. Also Dick's in Seattle. Okay, bye.

[A]

I'm change mine to Foster's Freeze. They had the. These animal style. Animal style.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You go lie down. The middle of the road and lick it animal style. That's it for us this Memorial Day. We'll be here, back tomorrow, maybe. Have a great night. Who knows? Listen to the 5ad free on Amazon Music with your prime membership or subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.