Podcast Summary: The #1 Reason You Blow Up in Hard Conversations - With Simon Goode | Ep 360
Released on July 3, 2025
Introduction
In Episode 360 of The Futur Podcast, hosted by Chris Do, the conversation delves deep into the mechanics of handling difficult conversations and workplace conflicts. Chris welcomes Simon Goode, an MBA and psychology graduate specializing in conflict resolution and mediation. The episode explores the interplay between human nervous systems, self-regulation, and assertiveness in managing conflicts effectively without appearing aggressive.
Understanding Conflict and Self-Regulation
Simon Goode begins by outlining the foundational aspects of conflict resolution training:
- Conflict Analysis: Understanding both contextual and individual factors that drive conflict.
- Self-Regulation: Emphasizes the importance of staying calm to maintain clear thinking during conflicts. Simon explains the fight or flight response, highlighting how heightened stress diminishes our brain's capacity to respond effectively.
"If we become escalated, if we become frazzled and either angry... then it's going to reduce our capacity to think clearly."
— Simon Goode [01:35]
Simon further breaks down the human response to conflict through the lens of Buddhism, discussing emotional granularization—the process of dissecting complex emotions to manage them better.
Personal Stories and Real-World Applications
Chris Do shares a personal anecdote illustrating the challenges of self-regulation:
- Family Stress Scenario: Chris recounts a stressful situation where his wife, under pressure from home repairs, made hasty decisions. This story underscores the necessity of self-regulation in both personal and professional settings.
"When you start stressing out, I start stressing out, and I'm okay."
— Chris Do [06:21]
Simon relates this to workplace scenarios, such as unprofessional outbursts or delayed communications, emphasizing how unmanaged stress can exacerbate conflicts.
The Five Aspects of Self in Conflict
Simon introduces a comprehensive framework inspired by Buddhist teachings, categorizing the self into five aspects to better understand and regulate responses to conflict:
- Emotions: Initial feelings like anger, fear, or panic.
- Physical Body: Reactions such as increased heart rate or clenched fists.
- Thoughts: Cognitive interpretations and narratives about the situation.
- Perception: Focused attention on the perceived threat.
- Behavior: Actions driven by the above factors.
"Understanding those five aspects of self has been the key for that for me."
— Simon Goode [07:50]
This framework aids in identifying triggers and applying appropriate self-regulation techniques, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, and choosing deliberate responses.
Techniques for Managing Difficult Conversations
Simon and Chris discuss practical strategies to maintain composure during conflicts:
- Deep Breathing: Focusing on exhaling slowly to reduce heart rate and calm the nervous system.
- Mindfulness: Paying attention to physical senses to stay present and avoid tunnel vision on the perceived threat.
- Choosing Your Response: Pausing before reacting to assess the best way to respond, whether through empathy or assertiveness.
- Creating Space: Taking breaks or delays to prevent immediate, emotionally charged reactions.
- Adjusting Posture: Adopting confident and relaxed body language to influence both personal composure and the interaction's tone.
"Breathe in and pause. Keep breathing in. Breathe all of the way out."
— Simon Goode [29:27]
These techniques empower individuals to navigate difficult conversations with clarity and confidence, minimizing reactive behaviors that can escalate conflicts.
Assertiveness Without Aggression
A significant portion of the episode focuses on developing assertiveness while avoiding aggression:
-
Softening Statements: Introducing conversations by acknowledging the other person's perspective before stating your own.
"Let me just check. I understand what you've told me..."
— Simon Goode [35:34] -
The What, Ask, Check Model: A framework for addressing issues clearly and collaboratively:
- What: Identify the specific behavior or issue.
- Ask: Request a change or propose a solution.
- Check: Ensure understanding and agreement on the next steps.
Simon demonstrates this model through role-playing scenarios, emphasizing the importance of clarity, empathy, and providing autonomy to the other party.
"This isn't what I ordered, could you please take it back to the kitchen and see if they can swap it immediately?"
— Simon Goode [66:31]
Chris attempts the model in a simulated conversation, receiving constructive feedback from Simon on enhancing the effectiveness of his approach by focusing on positive behavior and providing clear choices.
Practical Examples and Role Plays
The episode includes interactive segments where Chris and Simon role-play scenarios such as firing an employee and addressing punctuality issues. These demonstrations highlight:
- Clarity and Directness: Conveying messages in a straightforward manner without ambiguity.
- Empathy and Understanding: Recognizing the other person's emotions and perspectives.
- Consequences and Choices: Clearly outlining the repercussions of continued problematic behavior while offering paths for improvement.
"If you can make sure that you're more consistent showing up on time, then we're happy to continue working with you."
— Simon Goode [75:09]
These examples serve as actionable templates for listeners to apply in their professional and personal lives.
Self-Care and Long-Term Strategies
Beyond managing immediate conflicts, Simon emphasizes the importance of self-care for sustained resilience:
- Physical Activities: Exercise, such as high-intensity interval training, to release endorphins and manage stress.
- Mindfulness Practices: Techniques like deep breathing, positive visualization, and meditation to maintain mental clarity.
- Emotional Support: Engaging with supportive friends, family, or colleagues to process emotions and reset.
- Healthy Habits: Ensuring adequate rest, proper nutrition, and relaxation to replenish energy reserves.
"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've already got."
— Simon Goode [80:56]
These strategies help prevent burnout and maintain the capacity to handle future conflicts effectively.
Conclusion
This episode of The Futur Podcast offers a comprehensive exploration of conflict resolution, emphasizing the critical role of self-regulation and assertiveness. Through Simon Goode's expert insights and practical frameworks, listeners gain valuable tools to navigate difficult conversations with confidence and empathy. The discussion underscores that managing conflict is not just about addressing immediate issues but also about fostering long-term personal and professional resilience.
For those seeking further guidance, Simon Goode directs listeners to his Conflict Skills podcast, YouTube channel @imongood, and website simongood.com.
Notable Quotes:
- "If we become escalated... it's going to reduce our capacity to think clearly." — Simon Goode [01:35]
- "Breathe in and pause. Keep breathing in. Breathe all of the way out." — Simon Goode [29:27]
- "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've already got." — Simon Goode [80:56]
Resources Mentioned:
- Simon Goode's Podcast: Conflict Skills
- YouTube Channel: @imongood
- Website: simongood.com
This episode serves as an essential guide for anyone looking to enhance their conflict resolution skills, offering both theoretical insights and practical applications to transform how we handle challenging conversations.