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Self-Esteem and Confidence Building with Steven Bartlett | #4 of 2024 Top Podcasts - The GaryVee Audio Experience | Wave AI Podcast Notes

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Self-Esteem and Confidence Building with Steven Bartlett | #4 of 2024 Top Podcasts

The GaryVee Audio Experience

Sun Dec 29 2024

Summary

Podcast Summary: The GaryVee Audio Experience Episode: Self-Esteem and Confidence Building with Steven Bartlett | #4 of 2024 Top Podcasts
Release Date: December 29, 2024
Host: Gary Vaynerchuk
Guest: Steven Bartlett

Introduction

In episode number four of "The GaryVee Audio Experience," entrepreneurial powerhouse Gary Vaynerchuk engages in a deep and introspective conversation with Steven Bartlett about the foundations of self-esteem and confidence. This episode delves into how childhood experiences shape our self-perception, the balance between gratitude and guilt in success, and the critical role of self-awareness in personal development.

Childhood Influences on Self-Esteem

The discussion opens with Bartlett reflecting on his childhood, particularly the profound relationship with his younger sister, which played a pivotal role in building his self-esteem. He emphasizes the importance of feeling admired and how his actions were often motivated by a desire to make others proud.

Steven Bartlett [00:14]: "Everything that works for me is when I feel like I'm doing it for someone besides myself. I'm doing it to make my parents proud. I'm doing it to show my sister the right way."

Bartlett contrasts this with his older brother AJ, noting that his sister was a consistent source of support throughout his childhood, which significantly contributed to his sense of self-worth.

Gratitude and Guilt in Success

Bartlett discusses the dual emotions of gratitude and guilt that accompany his success. He explains how his achievements are intertwined with a sense of responsibility to spread positivity and help others through his platforms.

Steven Bartlett [04:42]: "If I'm this happy, if I lack the anxiety that I see in 99.9% of people, I have a sense of responsibility to over communicate."

He underscores the importance of creating content that leaves a positive impact, aiming to leave "collateral droppings" that aid others in their personal growth journeys.

Positive Reinforcement and Avoiding Delusion

A significant portion of the conversation centers on the importance of positive reinforcement without slipping into delusion. Bartlett warns against excessive encouragement that can lead to unrealistic self-perceptions, stressing the need for balance.

Steven Bartlett [11:59]: "Watch out for delusion. You can be anything, you can do anything you want, but you just might not be the best at it."

Bartlett advocates for "practical positivity," encouraging listeners to embrace positive actions grounded in reality, rather than unfounded optimism.

Self-Awareness as the Cornerstone of Self-Development

Both Gary and Bartlett agree that self-awareness is fundamental to effective self-development. Bartlett highlights that understanding oneself is more crucial than external validation or professional achievements.

Steven Bartlett [36:57]: "Self-awareness is the key to most things in life. There's no self-development without self-awareness."

He emphasizes that true self-worth should not be tied to tangible successes but rather to genuine interactions and personal integrity.

Handling Public Criticism and Emotional Resilience

The episode touches on the challenges of public life, with Bartlett sharing his experiences of handling criticism and negativity. He reveals his approach to maintaining emotional resilience by focusing on the positive impact he aims to have.

Steven Bartlett [17:28]: "We're all human beings. I'm not a robot."

Bartlett shares how he processes hurtful comments by maintaining a neutral stance and prioritizing his mission to spread love and positivity over dwelling on negativity.

Wisdom Years and Personal Growth Trajectory

Bartlett introduces the concept of "wisdom years," categorizing life into distinct decades focused on experimentation, refinement, and impactful evolution. He outlines his vision for personal growth across these phases, emphasizing continuous self-improvement and contribution.

Steven Bartlett [25:07]: "30 to 40 is the refinement of 20 to 30. 50 to 60 feels like insanity."

This framework provides listeners with a roadmap for their personal and professional development, encouraging them to embrace each stage's unique challenges and opportunities.

Balancing Professional Success with Internal Happiness

A critical insight from Bartlett is the separation of professional achievements from personal happiness. He admits that despite his success, his true contentment does not stem from accolades but from meaningful relationships and self-derived satisfaction.

Steven Bartlett [60:34]: "My professional success has no currency with my heart and soul."

This revelation underscores the importance of internal fulfillment over external validation, a theme that resonates deeply throughout the conversation.

Personal Regrets Focused on Relationships

Bartlett candidly shares his "micro regrets," which revolve around the quality and quantity of time spent with loved ones rather than major life decisions or achievements. This introspection highlights the enduring value of personal relationships over transient successes.

Steven Bartlett [64:24]: "I should have taken more vacations in my 20s with my buddies. I should have had a little more fun."

Conclusion and Closing Thoughts

In the closing segments, Bartlett and Gary reflect on the essence of self-esteem and confidence. Bartlett reiterates his commitment to leaving a positive legacy, emphasizing that his desired tombstone inscription is:

Steven Bartlett [73:21]: "He gave more than he took."

This profound statement encapsulates Bartlett's philosophy of living a life centered on generosity, love, and authentic connections.

Notable Quotes

Steven Bartlett [00:14]: "Everything that works for me is when I feel like I'm doing it for someone besides myself. I'm doing it to make my parents proud."
Steven Bartlett [04:42]: "If I'm this happy... I have a sense of responsibility to over communicate."
Steven Bartlett [11:59]: "Watch out for delusion. You can be anything, you can do anything you want, but you just might not be the best at it."
Steven Bartlett [36:57]: "Self-awareness is the key to most things in life. There's no self-development without self-awareness."
Steven Bartlett [60:34]: "My professional success has no currency with my heart and soul."
Steven Bartlett [73:21]: "He gave more than he took."

Key Takeaways

Family and Childhood: Early relationships, especially with siblings and parents, profoundly influence self-esteem and confidence.
Gratitude vs. Guilt: Success should be balanced with gratitude and a sense of responsibility to positively impact others.
Positive Reinforcement: Encouragement should be realistic to avoid fostering delusion; practical positivity is essential.
Self-Awareness: Understanding oneself is more critical than seeking external validation through achievements.
Resilience to Criticism: Maintaining emotional strength involves focusing on one's mission and minimizing the impact of negativity.
Wisdom Years: Recognizing distinct phases of personal growth can guide long-term development and achievement.
Internal Fulfillment: True happiness stems from meaningful relationships and self-awareness, not from professional accolades.
Relationship Priorities: Investing time and effort in personal relationships yields lasting fulfillment over transient successes.

This episode offers a comprehensive exploration of self-esteem and confidence, blending personal anecdotes with actionable insights. Bartlett's honest reflections and strategic advice provide listeners with valuable tools for building a resilient and self-aware mindset.

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Transcript

A (0:00)

Hey, everyone.

B (0:00)

We're counting down to 2025 with our top episodes of 2024.

A (0:04)

Here's episode number four. As you recollect on your childhood from that vantage point now, what are the new insights that you've attained about yourself?

B (0:14)

Probably the most recent one is, like, this incredible need to be a superhero. You know, I really took the being the oldest brother to heart. You know, it's funny. My sister and I have a joke that a lot of people don't know that she exists. Cause obviously, me and AJ Were in business together. And I talk a lot about the jets, and that has A.J. but my relationship with my sister, who's three and a half years younger than me, may be one of the most profound relationships I have. She undoubtedly was the first person besides my mother that kind of cheered for me. You know, she looked up to me. My mother is incredibly close to her brother, and so she spent a lot of time building that relationship. We're incredibly close. I feel much more kinship to her when I think about my childhood than A.J. because I was 11 years older, we didn't have the same childhood. We also moved when he was 3. So all my childhood memories have her in it. And I think as I've gotten in the last two, three years, I'm like, oh, I have this need to be admired. Need. You know, everything that works for me is when I feel like I'm doing it for someone besides myself. I'm doing it to make my parents proud. I'm doing it to show my sister the right way. I'm doing it for my employees. Even the way I got into better health and fitness was I hired a babysitter. But really what I hired was someone to do it for. Mike and Jordan is who I wanna make proud. Today, my scale being 175 versus 176, 8, which it was two days earlier. And Mike texting me, great job on the travel day. I did it for him. And so as I'm getting older, and so much of the Gary Venus I'm realizing is I'm happy when I'm doing things that make other people happy or even at a higher level, creating a framework or a blueprint that they can interpret into themselves. The thing I, you know, as I got older with my sister, a lot of the things I talked about was, this is my DNA. Yours DNA is different. But, like, I just. I want you to be happy. It's gonna be different for, you know, those kind of things. And so, you know. You know, when I do things like This I always go with the first thing that came to my mind. I think what's obvious to me is I've exhausted the conversation of grinding and having to do it for myself and learning how to be an entrepreneur in the streets of New Jersey. And recently, in the last couple years, I've talked more about Candor. When I wrote 12 and a half, I'm like, this is my kryptonite. I'm great at candor in this format. Put me on stage, put me on a podcast, give me 30 people listening to me. I'm Candor King, managing Dustin, one on one. I just love them too much. Even this interview, I went from a company off site, and I got emotional this morning Speaking to 35 global leaders. And that was the first time I got emotional. The way I usually talk about my parents if I'm at a gala or something of that nature. And it hit me, and my observation was, oh, these people are becoming my family. I talk about Brandon Warnecke, my best friend, and I tear up. I talk about my parents and my siblings that I tear up. This was the first time I kind of teared up. For real, for real. Deep, deep, deep, deep, deep in a setting when I was talking about those 35 leaders. And it was a nice feeling. I'm like, oh, this is becoming family. And so, you know, I think that Candor has been a weakness on a one to one basis when it's emotional that I've started talking about. The newest thing of this moment, when you ask me, is what is it that makes me want to be like this? And to be very frank, it's quite enjoyable and it makes me happy. And even when I don't deliver, I'm happy at the attempt of. And so I think I'll probably spend the next half decade trying to finish this thought and probably produce content around it. Because the thing I always think about is if I'm this happy, if I lack the anxiety that I see in 99.9% of people, I have a sense of responsibility to over communicate. In case a sentence on a podcast triggers something for someone and starts their journey to be happier. I don't know something more noble a human can do than be on a quest to leave collateral, you know, droppings along the way that may help and will help others.

B (5:18)

Well, it's funny. I agree with that. And now I'm going to tell you why I walk around earth with gratitude and guilt. I. Everything you just said is one of my biggest thesises in life. That is 100% true. Mine is slightly different. I got really fortunate. It's like really hard to talk about even without getting weird about it. I'm. My circumstances are, you know, I think yes, in some ways. For example, the system school took such a shit on me in the 80s and 90s. And you know this. We've run in similar circles. I'm very good at fighting the systems of industries. Like, it's also why I see things like Netflix, you're gonna win. Tesla, you're gonna win. Cause I know they're fighting the thing and so I recognize it. I've been a good investor, I've been a good operator, and I'm definitely a communicator. College, right? I was at a talk yesterday. I'm not speaking that much, but I like my dad taught me, you know, keep your word. So I had a talk from pre Covid that got canceled and then canceled and then I got Covid like and so I still did it. And so I did it yesterday and a couple of moms came up to me and both of them, the way they talked to me about the content I'm putting around. College was through love and admiration. Twelve years ago, those same exact moms were really angry at me, you know. And so when you see things, you know, you kind of challenge it. And so yes, I think I absolutely. The thing that was an insecurity. I get bad grades. But what was different for me is I didn't believe them. This is where self esteem is an obsession of mine. Not delusion. Right? Not delusion. Cause that's what a lot of modern parenting does. You can do anything, Sally. No, you can't, Sally. You are not athletic enough to be in the wnba. It wasn't that. It was this weird balance that my mom created between deep confidence but accountability and truth. I remember trying to make an excuse for striking out in a baseball game and trying to use the sun in my eyes as an excuse and. And my mom not letting me do it very subtly. Talk about childhood forming you like. This is why I implore everyone to communicate their truth to their children, to the world, through podcasts, through content. Like, it's amazing to me, sentences change people's lives, right? She didn't let me do it. And I became very accountable because of those levels of parenting and realities. And that accountability led to so much happiness. But for me, when the school system was saying, you're shit, I didn't believe them. And so I watch a lot of people being driven by hurt and I can sense that I'm driven by love. I just sense it. Like for me, it's just like deep self awareness that understands how fortunate I've been. Like, so many things went my way. The mom of the century being able to leave the Soviet Union in this little window in the 70, 19, 17, 19, in the 72 years that the Soviet Union dictated people's lives. And to remind everybody, this is something most Americans and Westerners don't understand. The Soviet Union was like North Korea. It wasn't like Iran. Iranians right now are able to leave Iran and go to Turkey, you know, wherever their passport is taken. They can't go everywhere. But Turkey takes their passport. Dubai takes their passport. The Soviet Union that my family grew up in was North Korea. You were not allowed to leave. But this little event in 1970 of eight Russians trying to hijack a plane to go to Sweden to escape created a global story that led to pressure on Russia, where Spain and Israel and America teamed up and had this little moment where Russia had spent too much money on their weapons of war and were starting to run out of resources and conform to their anti Semitism and decided to take money from the US and Israel in exchange for a couple of hundred thousand people. And I'm one of those people. And I, born with insane levels of entrepreneurship and gift of gab and offense, get to go from the worst place on earth at the time for someone like me in 1978 to the best place on earth. Fuck. And then getting all love but not delusion. And so by 10, being in the grit of like studio apartment with tons of family members and queens like all shit, but being 10 years old and having little, but being happy as fuck and being loved, insane. And now a 10 year old me realizes that money has no impact on happiness. I was built to win. I was built to win. And so I agree with you. I see it in so many of my friends. I always say the two ways to build something insane is deep, deep insecurity turned into fuel or deep, deep, deep levels of confidence turned into fuel.

B (25:20)

Well, I think this one's the in between the 20 to 30 is like. Like, just fucking go ham. And for everybody listening, this is the years to taste a lot of shit, make a lot of mistakes, have fun, try different things, like, everything, eat it all, go to the salad bar and try every single thing that's in there. 30 to 40 is the refinement of 20 to 30. Especially if you really go at it, you're like, okay, I remember, like, 30. 30 is when shit started popping for me. February 21, 2006 is my first episode of Wine Library TV. So I'm 30. I just turned 30. And that is clear. I mean, the fact that within December, January, within three months of my 30th birthday, the very clear public data, very clear indication of the shift in my career happened three months. So that was interesting. And I think those are the. When I think of 30 to 40, I refined a lot of things that felt natural. 20 to 30. I refined my craft. I started to get to know myself better. When I think about 40 to 47, I'm like, that's an evolution of 30 to 40. I'm still refining I'm still doing, but I'm starting to get into a thought of like, okay, I like have real grasp on things. I can do some real damage. Like I'm scared in the most positive way of what I'm gonna accomplish. Selfish and selflessly from 50 to 60 scared. I think it's going to be banana shit. I think everything that is me right now is minor leagues compared to what I'm gonna do 50 to 60. Cause I now have the context of 40 to 50, which is a more polished version of the refinement of 30. 40. And so for me, 50 to 60 feels like insanity. And then when I look at my 60 to 70 year old business friends, I'm like, fuck. I get an entire another decade after that decade of doing it at 100. And then I start debating what happens at 70. Right then I'm like, 70 to 80 is still a very clear decade for a certain very small group to continue to go ham and go fucking insane. I'm curious where I'll be. I know to 70 I'll be exactly the same way I am right now. It's inconceivable. I'm not. Those 23 years are pretty clear to me. They're gonna look like the last 23 years. 70 to 80 becomes an interesting debate. Will I take any foot off the pedal? Will I go to a different place? I often fantasize of like going into like a cave in Peru and whoever wants to find me can come and we get 30 minutes and I just do that for the next 30 years of my life. I don't know. Obviously there's that very silly but very emotional goal of buying the Jets. For me that's more fun to chase than like I almost think I. The first time I might feel actual unhappiness or weirdness or some sort of version of like eh, might be if I buy the Jets. Like I think about that a lot. I'm like, if this happens, was this such a romantic journey? This is not 30 and 40 and 20 year old Gary thinking it's cool to say this. This was 12 year old Gary telling Robbie Turnick and Eric Godfrey, I'm buying this fucking team. This has been like a thing like.

B (30:36)

But there's a reason I talk about self awareness so much. Why it was a pillar of my last book. Why it's a big character in veefriends. Self aware hair. Self aware hair. The tortoise and the hare. I think people don't. One day when I'm, you know, I think 47 year old Gary for cynics and people that were watching is better than they thought it would be than 27 year old Gary. Right. Like the hot takes on. I'll never forget when I hit the scene on Twitter, the whispers at Conferences. I could hear them in the back room, in the green room. And I definitely read it on Twitter. Cause I was like popping. They're like, out of everyone who's popping on Twitter in 2007, the consensus was the only person that won't be here in a decade is Gary. Cause it was too hot, too fast, too much people, literally. I'm empathetic when you have this kind of energy. I'm empathetic to how this story plays out for different people. I get why the person burns out. I get why the person really does the ultimate bad thing and disappears off the. I get what that. But that's because I'm not on the extreme insecurity side. I'm on this other side. So I always knew. But one of the things. So I get a lot of joy out of knowing that so many people didn't think I'd be there. And I'm at the top of it. Same way I feel about veefriends. Nobody has a clue, including my inner circle, of how much thoughtfulness I did in character development. This is my Disney. This is my Sesame Street, Big Bird, Mickey Mouse. Right. Optimus Prime, Pikachu. Like, self awareness is profound. The story of the tortoise and the hare is profound to every listener of this. There's not a single listener right this second that's listening here right now. If they're 8 or if they're 88, that isn't extremely vulnerable to the lack of patience because they're too ambitious. It's the reason they're listening. So Self Aware Hair for me is a phenomenal story I get to tell for the next 50 years. And I can't wait to make self aware Hair more famous than Gary Vee is today, because that will be the way I scale putting positivity into the world. Vee friends. And so I'm excited about that. But back to your point, my friend. As long as you come from a place of humility and understand that ego kills people, yes, we have some luxury of mindset and communication. But for me, I don't think people should listen to me. I think people should listen to everything and try to find positivity and usability out of everything. And they should dismiss what is clearly negative and selfish. And they should triple down on everything that is selfless and positive. And that is the answer to your question that started here. What should people do? They should be very, very focused on trying to do the following. Lean in dramatically more to things that are positive. Your Grandfather podcasts Upworthy.com. lean into positivity. Then they should be on the awareness. Eyes wide open on. Is this delusional and lacks practicality. Like, you know, if I just dream it, it will happen. No, lean in, cut out, literally. When this podcast is over, step back. Audit your entire life from the people you spend time with. Your family, your friends. Look at every person you follow. Are they triggering your insecurities for their own self interest? Or are they trying to put love into it so that you go on and do your thing, watch, look for it. But whatever you do, back to like working out, like, you know, protein and you know, when I, when, you know, when Mike Vacante's like, all right, you did a lift like protein. I'm like, really? Okay. And like during COVID I'm like, wait a minute, I'm starting to finally get some muscles. Oh. Because I was doing protein as fuck after lifts and not after. Not lifts. I was doing it right. Here's something right for everyone. Cut out one hour of negativity, add one hour of positivity. If you're listening right now and you're like, ugh, social's such a drag. It's because you're in a drag mindset and the algos and the people you follow are following you. You know what? My social looks like fucking sunshine. I'm being dead fucking serious. You know what? My algos look like fucking sunshine in the world of the momentum of darkness right now. Sunshine. You know why I choose to fight for positivity, but I refuse to not be grounded in practicality, which is why I've always thrown curve balls. Love, everybody. It's all awesome. Fuck. 8th place trophies. What? Gary? What? What? 8th place trophies lead to entitlement and fear of losing and it fucks up kids. So it's kind of that juxtaposition. Practical positivity is something everyone needs to add more. And so back to your point. We are gonna put out stuff forever, cuz it's how we're wired. The people who are listening right now, for a lot of them, they need to understand where they match with us and where they don't. You and I match on a lot of things. There's a lot of things we don't match on. The person on the other side needs to figure that out. You, I would argue, watching you from afar. We know each other, but not that deep. We haven't had those six hours that we need, that we will have in the next 50 years where it starts to get even closer. But even from afar, it's Clear to me that you're understanding more and more what is right from the messages you've heard and what's not right for you. And you refine it and you refine it to your point. There's a. I say it all the time. Please don't be me. The only thing I want people to be like me is be as happy as me. That's an insular game. That's a self awareness game. That's a process game. That's the only thing I want people to be like with me. Like, I'm weird. I've got a lot of weird nuances. I do a lot of things that are not scalable. I don't maximize for. I'm always worried when people are like, oh, I wanna learn how you built your businesses. I'm like, ew, it's real different. Like, you know, I don't maximize for profit, I maximize for retention of relationships. If you aren't as confident as I am when those people leave and compete with you, you become grudge oriented and envy oriented instead of happy oriented. I've got some weird elements that people can't run my playbook, but I couldn't run other people's playbook. So pay attention. Find what works for you. Try shit. Try it multiple times. Steve said something you like. Try it once. Didn't work. Steve's not an idiot. You don't suck. Try it again on this.

B (50:28)

My argument is you don't know, you just know the alternative. And I would argue that many people like yourself and I know weird things because we get unlimited DMs and emails and you know this about me because this is where I'm a little weird. I took a six hour flight yesterday and read a gadrillion DMs. I think what I do that's a hair different than a lot of my contemporaries is I'm in the dirt, heavy. Like, I really still see extraordinary levels of value, of being in the trenches, reading those DMs, replying to those DMs, like long after, I mean, I'm watching people get 10,000 followers and think they're somebody and get an assistant to reply like, I'm still in it. And in that I see it. There's a reason that people that were deeply alcoholic have been able to be sober the rest of their lives after going through a process. There's a reason that therapy is profound. There is a reason that meditation is profound. There's a reason that exercise is profound. To me, everything you just said is right. But it is the cliche. You get a hand and then you gotta play it. And as someone who's not good at poker and has won many hands with three, seven off suit. Cause I'm just a fucker like that. I believe in that, in life too. There's every version. Do I believe that to your point, I believe more than anything that those first 10 years, there's so much going on, it's insane. Including the environment you're in, Right? Yours was one. Mine was one. But do I believe that? If you then decide, like many do, well, I got fucked. I got fucked. Well, then if you've decided, back to perspective being everything. If you've decided I got fucked, well, then the game's over anyway. The fuck are we doing here? If you've decided I can't because I was unlucky. My mom this, my dad this, my country this, my gender that, my income level this, well, then it's over. Doesn't matter what I think, you think anyone else thinks it's over. I just refuse to talk to another human being and believe that to be true. Because there's been billions of examples of the alternative. Billions, Steve. Yeah, there's been billions of alternatives of the exact opposite.

B (64:24)

You know, there's certain things that I'm not ready to talk about, but I think people are. I'm too public of a figure to. People know there's things that have happened in my life more recently and things of that nature. So of course I have regrets. I've. I also have regrets that I think will really help people that I am ready to talk about, which is, no bullshit. I should have went to a couple more high school parties. No bullshit. I shouldn't have come home every weekend when I was in college and worked in the liquor store. I should have did a keg stand or two here. No bullshit. I should have taken more vacations in my 20s with my buddies. I should have had a little more fun. The truth is, I'll tell you why that was all hard for me to say. They're micro, micro, micro, micro, micro, micro regrets. These are like. Yeah, they mean, like, I have nothing in my body, including some of the stuff I'm not ready to talk about that's like, fuck, you know, Like, I'm in pain over this. They're just like little micro regrets. And I answer this because I want people to see a clear picture on the other side. Like, if this was me and you actually having a drink, the answer might have been no. The only reason I think I just said yes is cause I think it's important for people to know. Like, nobody's like, I'm just scared that I'm so happy that it seems almost like bullshit, but it's just kind of true because I always go to the same place. I'll give you an example. I think real regret is only grounded in a very small circle of the people you love. I really do. And I've put the fucking work in on the family side. It's funny, actually. That was a really interesting segue. The fact that I can say to you no, because I've put in so much deposits on the family side that actually, I'll give you a good one. I've got a brewing regret. My best friend in the world is Brandon Warnecke. I met him the first day of freshman year of high school. Within the first six months, I'm like, this guy's gonna work with me. We did baseball card shows together. I knew I was gonna build my dad's business by then I wanted him, I fucking courted him to be in that business from sophomore year on. And he became my partner in crime along with Bobby Shiffrin, my second cousin and my dad. And we built wine library. Lately I've been feeling that we have not had enough friend time. One on one as we start going and starting to see 50 and it's something I really want to work on.