The Girlfriends S4/Bonus Ep 2: A Girlfriends Guide to Healing in The Aftermath of Trauma

Summary

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The Girlfriends: Untouchable – Season 4, Bonus Ep 2

Title: A Girlfriends Guide to Healing in The Aftermath of Trauma
Date: January 5, 2026
Hosts: Khadijah Hardaway & Nikki Richardson
Guest: Myisha Hill (Founder, Brown Sisters Speak)

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Episode Overview

This powerful bonus episode explores the complex and often painful process of community healing after systemic trauma. Centered on the impact of decades of abuse and injustice toward Black women in Kansas City, Kansas, hosts Khadijah Hardaway and Nikki Richardson share hard-earned lessons, invite activist Myisha Hill to the conversation, and offer guidance for those seeking a path forward after violence, exploitation, and betrayal by trusted institutions. The discussion is deeply practical, rooted in lived experience, and suffused with hope, sisterhood, and a commitment to breaking cycles of pain.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Weight and Legacy of Trauma (04:50–08:36)

• Origin of trauma: The legacy of police brutality, systemic injustice, and historical oppression in Kansas City, Kansas.
• Barriers to healing: Many women lack access to tools required for recovery; the lasting impact of betrayal by institutions meant to protect.
• Physical and mental effects: Chronic stress translates to physical ailments like hypertension and insomnia.
  • Quote (Khadijah): "When you've had years and years and years of being exploited, being overlooked, nobody hearing your story, on top of these systems in place that are supposed to be built to protect you and just not doing it, the trust breaks down." (07:29)
• Challenge of acceptance: Recognizing the need for help is a major hurdle; denial, depression, and attachment to the “victim” state block progress.

2. Practical Barriers to Recovery (09:50–11:22)

• Resource scarcity: Financial constraints, lack of therapists—especially Black women therapists—and childcare limit access to care.
• Crisis situations: Difficulties in securing emergency support for victims, even as community advocates do their best to help.
  • Quote (Nikki): "There were no resources for these women. Nothing for them to keep themselves up above water." (11:22)

3. The Power and Complexity of Sisterhood (12:17–13:47)

• Protecting the protectors: Advocates must prioritize their own well-being—burnout and boundary violations are major risks.
  • Quote (Khadijah): "It has generally been through this process that I've understood what sisterhood means... Even in those tough moments, when you're going through trauma and grief and you're able to look at each other and wipe each other's tears, that's what real sisterhood is." (12:17)
• Community care: Creating safe spaces to process pain and celebrate growth; learning healthy boundaries for sustainable organizing.

4. Faith and Personal Roots in Healing (13:47–15:50)

• Faith as an anchor: Church, faith groups, and spiritual practices can provide structure and motivation—though they aren't substitutes for professional support.
  • Quote (Khadijah): "You need to find something to root yourself in for your healing... And it's okay if you can't move as fast as you want to move." (13:47)
• Limits of advocacy: Acknowledgment that while community groups can help, professional mental health services are often necessary.

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Expert Perspective: Myisha Hill Interview

[20:12–42:11]

5. Making Healing Accessible (20:12–23:39)

• Peer support as tradition: Communal healing practices are rooted in African traditions—support circles, movement, food, and spirituality matter.
  • Quote (Myisha): "Peer support is one of the most overlooked mental health practices that's actually communal to Africa." (22:31)
• Innovative care models: Brown Sisters Speak funds therapy for Black women, creates open circles (e.g., First Black Friday), focuses on collective empowerment.

6. Trauma Severity and Tailored Solutions (23:05–25:43)

• Beyond the circle: For deep trauma/PTSD, healing circles alone are insufficient; need for wellness action plans, therapy, and sometimes medication.
  • Quote (Myisha): “You need more than a circle when you're having repetitive thoughts of suicide... The circles are definitely part of one's recovery process. And also the severity of the trauma depends on how you would curate your wellness action plan.” (24:57)

7. Generational Trauma and Systemic Injustice (25:43–29:43)

• Post-Traumatic Slave Syndrome: Trauma behaviors rooted in history (Dr. Joy DeGru's work cited).
• Economic and environmental barriers: Resource distribution and persistent injustice deepen cycles of suffering.
  • Quote (Nikki): "It makes me feel horrible to know that there are a lot of stories out here that I cannot help an individual because I don't have the resources." (26:29)
• Stigma around mental health: Historical reluctance in the Black community to acknowledge depression or seek therapy; progress is being made but barriers remain.
  • Quote (Myisha): "That's white people stuff. Black people, we don't get depressed. What is depression? I can pray it away... And I think the stigma is really rooted in that post traumatic slave syndrome of being resilient." (27:29)

8. Breaking Cycles and Personal Choice (29:10–30:53)

• Tools for confronting generational trauma: Use of a genogram to visualize inherited pain and consciously break cycles for future generations.
  • Quote (Myisha): "My therapist had me do a genogram... you track all your generational behaviors in your whole bloodline, and you're able to visually see where the trauma can stop with you." (29:10)

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Healing Within and Beyond the Church [34:31–38:54]

• Role of the church: Support can be powerful when churches provide resources, mental health funds, or partnerships; harm can result if they substitute faith for real help or ignore boundaries.
  • Quote (Myisha): "If I know that a pastor says to me, I'm going to lay hands on you and heals you, is going to re traumatize and re trigger me, because in the past that's never worked. I need to write a letter to the deacon and elder board and say, hey, it's a boundary for me." (35:43)
• Setting boundaries in healing spaces: Multiple retellings of trauma can re-traumatize; boundaries in community circles and church healing are vital for well-being.
  • Quote (Nikki): "We have a thing where you don't need to tell your story but once or twice, and that's it. Because we believe telling your story over and over re traumatizes you." (36:04)
• Empowerment over reliance: True healing comes when individuals claim their agency and self-worth, with support from faith and community.

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Signs of Healing & Ongoing Practice [38:54–42:11]

• Measuring progress: Setting and achieving personal goals, learning boundaries, improved communication and self-advocacy as signs of growth.
  • Quote (Myisha): "Usually within a 90 day period, I'm able to see people who are not able to set boundaries and not able to speak for themselves, set boundaries and start to speak for themselves." (38:54)
• Gardening and embodiment: Hands-on activities, like gardening, reconnect people with the earth and are affirming parts of recovery. Food, movement, and somatic practices provide grounding.
  • Quote (Myisha): "You're going to need to connect to the earth. You may need meditation and yoga and breath work... It's a whole community systems approach so that the community can move towards healing and possibility." (40:55)
• Marathon, not a sprint: Trauma recovery is ongoing; it's about reaction and response as much as eliminating pain.
  • Quote (Myisha): "Healing is a lifelong journey. You're never fully healed. You're always becoming... it is just a marathon, not a sprint." (41:45)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Khadijah: “If you don’t work through your trauma, it can consume and destroy you. But the girlfriends we met on this journey have never stopped fighting. Fighting to heal and fighting for justice.” (05:36)
• Nikki: "People don't want to come out of victim into survivor because you no longer have any excuses why you can't change..." (08:54)
• Myisha: “It's how you react and respond to it that makes the biggest difference.” (41:45)
• Khadijah: "Our communities have endured so much, but we also have the strength to heal and grow. Let's take this journey together." (42:11)

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Essential Timestamps

• 00:00–02:50: Host intro & content warning (skip)
• 02:50–06:11: Framing the traumatic context in Kansas City, Kansas
• 06:11–13:47: Initial discussion on barriers to healing, sisterhood, burnout
• 13:47–15:50: Faith and community as anchors for recovery
• 20:12–29:43: Interview with Myisha Hill – peer support, generational trauma, breaking cycles
• 34:31–38:54: Role of the church and boundaries in healing spaces
• 38:54–42:11: Signs of progress and the importance of embodied, practical recovery strategies

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Conclusion

This episode is an honest, emotionally resonant guide for women—particularly Black women—grappling with personal and generational trauma. Khadijah, Nikki, and Myisha reinforce that while resources are often scarce and the road impossibly hard, healing is possible. It thrives in the fertile ground of sisterhood, boundaries, faith, and community-rooted practices. Throughout, listeners are encouraged to take small steps: seek help, set boundaries, join support circles, remember the importance of embodiment and nourishment, and know that while pain endures, so does resilience.

Resources:

• RAINN (US)
• No More Directory (International)
• US Suicide & Crisis Helpline
• International Helplines

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Next Episode Preview:
Nikki interviews the executive director of the National Police Accountability Project to discuss navigating police misconduct and understanding your rights.

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Transcript

[Khadijah Hardaway]

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[Nikki Richardson]

Hi Eskhadija in this episode, we're going to explore what it's like to be in a community healing in the aftermath of trauma. We'll talk about our hopes for the future and share how sisterhood can get us through the darkest moments of our lives. But that conversation will include discussions of suicide, murder, substance abuse and sexual assault. This series is here to offer tools and support to victims and their loved ones. But please do keep in mind that we are not mental health professionals. We would always encourage you to seek out professional mental health support if you are struggling with the issues we are discussing today. If you or someone you love have been affected by any of the themes that come up in this episode, we've left the links in the description that offer resources and support Take care of yourself. In this episode, we're talking about recovering from trauma. Whether you're seeking help for yourself or a loved one, this episode is about sharing the tools to move forward and how you can help those around you. In this series, we've shared some of the darkest stories of our lives. Violence, police brutality, and a corrupt justice system have all contributed to the trauma crisis in the city we love. Kansas City, Kansas, but the pain runs deeper. We still live with the legacy of Jim Crow. The past cast a long shadow. Something I've learned over the years is that if you don't work through your trauma, it can consume and destroy you. But the girlfriends we met on this journey have never stopped fighting. Fighting to heal and fighting for justice. There have been inspiring women activists who have shown us the way. Sisters like bell hooks whose story reminds us healing is an act of resistance. Now we're taking on that mantle and inviting you to join us. I'm Khadijah Hardaway from the Teens at Novel and I Heart Podcast. You're listening to the Girlfriends Untouchable. Bonus Episode 2, the Girlfriend's Guide to Healing in the Aftermath of Trauma. I want to start this conversation off with the reasons why it's so hard to begin healing. A lot of women who are traumatized don't have the tools to Recover. This is something that we've witnessed all too much in our work at justice for Wyandotte. And it's something me and my girlfriend on this journey, Nikki Richardson, have discussed countless times. Nikki, you know, we came together on this kind of like, as a spark. Right. That just collided together.

[Khadijah Hardaway]

That is exactly how it happened.

[Nikki Richardson]

We started out the idea that Wyandotte county needed therapy because that's where the crimes happen. Yeah. By the time of his death in December 2024, there had been two convictions tied to Detective Roger Gillespie, which had been overturned. And as we're recording this, 155 more cases are under review by the Kansas City, Kansas Police Department. A 2023 civil lawsuit claims Gilluspie ran a sex trafficking ring while on duty raping and coercing women. He was specific in who he went after, too. Gillusy's victims were overwhelmingly black girls and women. Many black women in Wyandotte county continue to live in fear. And decades of abuse still leaves a mark on the collective lives of our community. Black residents are almost three times more likely to be arrested for low level offenses than white residents in Wyandotte County. Additionally, black youth are three times more likely to be arrested than white youth. With re victimization a constant threat. For so many of the women in Wyandotte county, healing from past trauma is, to put it bluntly, really hard.

[Khadijah Hardaway]

When you've had years and years and years of being exploited, being overlooked, nobody hearing your story, on top of these systems in place that are supposed to be built to protect you and just not doing it, the trust breaks down. We've seen people who have resorted to substance abuse, even if they've gotten better and they get triggered and they go right back into it. What we noticed when we were trying to help people find their pathway to healing and finding their pathway to justice was that there were a lot of obstacles to just getting there. So first was just simply recognizing that you have a problem, you have a problem, and that these responses are tied to your trauma. So accepting treatment is a big part of accepting that you have a problem. Trauma has them in such a space to where they can't get out of bed in the morning, they can't even set up the appointment, they can't function. And so that is a uphill battle.

[Nikki Richardson]

The trauma leads to disease. Yeah.

[Khadijah Hardaway]

I mean, your blood pressure's high.

[Nikki Richardson]

Mm.

[Khadijah Hardaway]

Um, you're not sleeping well.

[Nikki Richardson]

My blood pressure was high.

[Khadijah Hardaway]

Yeah, you're not sleeping well. You're in a constant state of stress. Your body just starts breaking down.

[Nikki Richardson]

When it really comes to individuals that we advocate for, I think being consistent in what we tell them helps things resonate to a point where I can accept, like what I've been through. People don't want to come out of victim into survivor because you no longer have any excuses why you can't change some of the things you want or why you can't move toward.

[Khadijah Hardaway]

And I'm not saying that it's losing something too. You feel like you're losing the right to help.

[Nikki Richardson]

The barriers that black women can face to healing are many. The issues that get in the way range from denial to depression to continuing trauma. And as Nikki just said, people can become attached to the sympathy that comes with victimhood. Even if a person gets to the point where they overcome those hurdles and they come to us for help, there are so many more challenges beyond, okay.

[Khadijah Hardaway]

You'Ve accepted and now you want it and you're ready for it. Now we are running around trying to find the resources because the uniqueness in.

[Nikki Richardson]

How we're set up.

[Khadijah Hardaway]

Right, Uniqueness in how we're set up. First of all, it needs to be paid for. They're not going to usually in a space to be able to afford their own therapy. And then childcare associated with child care associated with. And then therapy availability. There's just not a lot of therapists that are readily available to deal with these immediate triage situations. And even though when we try to build networks, that's still a tough battle. We wanted to make sure that we had a place where they could feel safe. And so also finding black women in therapy, you know, when you're getting that niche, it makes it limited to the amount of resources that you have.

[Nikki Richardson]

So one of the problems that we ran into is just the emergency triage. In one situation, we had a murder victim whose girlfriend was feeling suicidal. We went into trying to find someone to help this young lady. What we ran into was roadblocks everywhere. The bed and some points. We were building a strategy with the people on the phone as if we were therapists ourselves, and we just couldn't get the people help.

[Khadijah Hardaway]

In many cases, they would do that same thing with us being a therapist. Well, you're capable. Can you handle this particular situation?

[Nikki Richardson]

I'm like, no.

[Khadijah Hardaway]

They are dealing with trauma and they need actual resources.

[Nikki Richardson]

Right.

[Khadijah Hardaway]

There's definitely enough resources out there. There's no reason why these women should have to ask for anything.

[Nikki Richardson]

There were no resources for these women. Nothing for them to keep themselves up above water. Right. Sustain Themselves. And we're talking about in the areas of therapy, legal representation, because it was hard for them to just keep a job or occupation, which nobody does this work, Nikki, without having some kind of, like, strife amongst themselves. Right. Which for me, when I talk about trauma, of course, I've had run ins with the police and have dealt with some issues with family that I just never really got any help with. Running our not for profit. We have worked with many women who are trying to get that help and move forward with their lives. One of the things we realized is in the context of there being so much hurt around us, we had to protect ourselves first and look out for each other.

[Khadijah Hardaway]

It has generally been through this process that I've understood what sisterhood means. And not in just the most beautiful and positive sense, but when it's hard and when it's difficult and how to love each other. Even in those tough moments, when you're going through trauma and grief and you're able to look at each other and be able to see each other and wipe each other's tears, that's what real sisterhood is.

[Nikki Richardson]

We find ourselves in these situations where we're trying to balance people's trauma, keep them at an even keel. Balancing that, Nikki, I think, was probably one of the most hardest things.

[Myisha Hill]

I don't think if I had not.

[Nikki Richardson]

Had you, if I could not lean on you to tell you what I was experiencing with each case, and you helped me set up healthy boundaries and even give them healthy boundaries to move forward, I don't think we would even be in this space because, you know.

[Khadijah Hardaway]

We'Re no good to anybody if we're not taken care of to just start establishing those boundaries.

[Nikki Richardson]

I got a ton of calls, and it's just like, I'm not Jesus, baby. I'm not Moses. I can. I don't know what you want me to do with all of this. How do you set these boundaries that don't re. Traumatize yourself while you're trying to help other people? This brings me to the sisterhood that we had to develop. The protection of one another. So what about the lessons we've learned and how we've come to function and heal in this difficult environment we've been in?

[Khadijah Hardaway]

There is a lot of trauma here that is creating an entire barrier that makes it hard for them to even function, to get their own justice? You need to find something to root yourself in for your healing. We're very much rooted in our faith, and I think that is what's kept us strong. If you Need a therapist to help you with that journey, seek therapy. If you need a church family to find that journey, find a church family. And it's okay if you can't move as fast as you want to move. If you need a second, take that second. Get yourself together and get yourself in a place to where you can actually fight.

[Nikki Richardson]

But that's the other thing about trauma and fear, is that people don't seek out the knowledge that they really need to take the next steps. For me, it was very healing and therapeutic. Even though I don't have the justice, at least I know the things that they were gaslighting me about the laws. When I talk about my church life. Most of the ministries in my church are psychiatrists. And I remember going through my own situations and having sessions with my pastor to get through and it was free of charge. So I was, I was grateful for that. Not everybody has those channels, right? Yeah. Mine and Nikki's work focuses on getting women their justice. And although the trauma they experience is something we deal with, it's not our professional expertise with justice. For Wyandotte, we did what we could, but there were limits on how we could help when it comes to healing. The problems in the community were massive. And with the challenges of getting these women better, to be honest, at times we were out of our depth. So I decided to reach out to someone who could shed a light on the barriers we face when it comes to healing and the many ways to overcome them. That's coming up after the break.

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[Radhi Devlukia]

This is Radhi Devlukia from a really Good Cry. I absolutely love being outdoors, even if it's just stepping outside for a bit of fresh air between meals or taking a mindful walk walk to clear my head. But the one thing that can really ruin that is when my feet feel cramped in my shoes. So I switched to Ultra running and honestly, it made such a difference. What I love most is their signature Ultra fit, comfort, balance, strength. They have this roomy toe box that lets my toes actually spread and move naturally. And I personally have some wide feet So I really appreciate that. I feel more grounded and balanced with every single step. It's like my feet can flip, finally do their job using all those little muscles that make me feel stronger the more I move. Whether you're a marathon runner, beginner or advanced, or just getting outside to train, altras have become my go to for running and moving mindfully. They fit so well, they're so comfortable and they just move with you. Shop [e-mail] that's a L T R a running.com experience Altra and stay out there.

[Nikki Richardson]

I got you. I got you. I got you. Myisha Hill is a dedicated activist and author fighting to get black women into therapy and on their healing journeys. Maisha, it's nice to meet you. If you could just give us a little bit of background on you.

[Myisha Hill]

My background is just based rooted in my lived experience as a mental health activist, as a guide, as a writer, as someone who just shares the journey of life with many people. I'm a former deacon and pastor. I just preached occasionally.

[Nikki Richardson]

Aisha is also the founder of Brown Sister Speak, a non for profit organization founded a decade ago offering mental health empowerment and peer support to women of color. It grew to become a platform for women of color to support each other in their mental health and works to access to therapy. If anyone can shed some light on some of the barriers women face recovering from trauma, it's going to be Myisha.

[Myisha Hill]

A lot of my work is the intersection of oppression and liberation. First began with Brown Sister Speak, and that was a project actually as part of my college course, to have black women talk more openly about their mental health. We talk as women about the importance of taking care of our mental health and that it just evolved over time to me wanting to make therapy accessible so raising funds to pay for people to go to therapy. In 2020, we raised so many funds for Brown Sister Speak at the time, we were able to send like 50 people to therapy. We even had open mental health circles called First Black Friday through the summer of 2020. To help Black folks really have a space to process, we started a community care campaign specifically for black folks.

[Nikki Richardson]

Do you think there is a space for healing in this time? I mean, like, I feel like there's you gotta heal, but at the same time, you gotta figure out a strategy to beat everything that is going on right now. We struggled before Trump got into office with trauma and mental health.

[Myisha Hill]

So how do I navigate what's happening right now with what healing truly looks like? And I remember when the ancestors would Gather together either on a weekday or a weeknight. And they would come together in circle.

[Nikki Richardson]

That's a kind of sacred community space where people sit together and talk or pray or take part in a ceremony in order to help one another to heal.

[Myisha Hill]

Peer support is one of the most overlooked mental health practices that's actually communal to Africa. So for me, healing in this environment, we may have to go underground. And we know how to survive what's coming because we've been here before. And so how do we heal forward? I think it really looks like us talking circles and finding black psychologists. So there's the association of Black Psychologists. And also pooling together our money. If we have a black therapist or black psychologist, we're paying for each other to have access to mental health services even with peer support.

[Nikki Richardson]

We have people who have been severely abused, treated like animals and dogs. These are the traumas of Wyandotte County. There are stories that would make you throw up after listening and hearing the stories. And all of this is at the hands of someone who is supposed to protect them, allegedly. And so when we talk about sitting around in a circle, what do we do for people like that who just can't get that out of their mind? The only thing that makes them function is medication.

[Myisha Hill]

As someone who has similar deep traumas as you named and have been medicated, the things that helped me bring me out of that darkness and off medication was community and people pouring into me because we also can't do this by ourselves, which is why circle is so important. And it's also embodiment and somatic practices. So there's yoga, there's movement, there's dance. So much of that gets stolen from you when you are assaulted, when you are a victim, when someone was supposed to protect you and they cause harm to you. So how do we help each other reclaim that? And I think reclamation comes with a new circle of care. And that care is around food and nutrition. I think it's going to take a whole community of care model to do that, to help people who have experienced that level of trauma to get back to a sense of reclaiming their own humanity. Worked in my journey, changing what we eat, what we put into our bodies. It's going to take psychotherapy, which is one on one therapy or group therapy. Does someone need medication? And how do you help them wean off medication? Right. And how do they get in their bodies? I know it's possible to help people be rehumanized again.

[Nikki Richardson]

As I listen to you, it sounds like. And I like to use the word.

[Myisha Hill]

Utopia, depending on the level of trauma, a circle is not going to just help. I think the circle is where you relate to your peers. You need more than a circle when you're having repetitive thoughts of suicide. You know, you mean more than a circle when you're having nightmares about the trauma that happened to you. I think the circles are definitely part of one's recovery process. And also the severity of the trauma depends on how you would curate your wellness action plan. They used to talk about that when I was in the mental health hospital. Like, you had to have a wellness recovery action plan before they let you go. And that's language that I don't know if we're using even in our own community. How do you know when you need more than a group? And how do we help each other remind each other of that?

[Nikki Richardson]

Which leads me to talk about generational trauma. We once did a program called Jim Crow 2.0, and it was just basically like, we never really left Jim Crow. Do you not get where policing came from and where we are now and why it looks the way it looks like? I mean, come on, y', all, take the blinders off, right? So let's talk a little bit about black trauma and how we have, I guess, ptsd.

[Myisha Hill]

One of the books that I really appreciate reading is Dr. Joy DeGru, and she talks about post traumatic slave syndrome. And it basically comes from how a lot of our trauma is rooted from being enslaved and how we don't speak up. Right. We kind of sit and watch idly by out of fear.

[Nikki Richardson]

I did want to touch a little bit more, like, on this whole Jim Crow synopsis, because it looks like we're going back that way. We struggle before getting people in the right resources. It makes me feel horrible to know that there are a lot of stories out here that I cannot help an individual because I don't have the resources.

[Myisha Hill]

It's hard to make those patterns because then you gotta think about money. Where's the money gonna come from? So how can you change a sick environment when you're already in it?

[Nikki Richardson]

The challenges black people face around the nation are in the bones of our system and our history. The environment is sick, and for many of the people in our community, we have turned that trauma and sickness inward, blaming ourselves and each other. Most people shy away from individuals who have experienced that deep mental trauma because they don't know what to do.

[Myisha Hill]

I remember the first time that I thought about. They told me I had depression. I was like, that's white people stuff. Black people, we don't get depressed. What is depression? I can pray it away. Every option that was offered to me, I just kept saying, no. Only white people do that. And I think the stigma is really rooted in that post traumatic slave syndrome of being resilient. And as a people, being a strong black woman, which is a stereotype, and not wanting to ask for help or support because you think you can hold it all together. And I think over the last few years, I've slowly seen the stigma kind of slowly subside. You know, we have therapy for black girls. We have therapy for black men. And I think giving ourselves permission to say, but I'm not okay, and challenging every norm that says that you have to be.

[Nikki Richardson]

Thank God those stereotypes are fading. So much of what Myesha had to say resonates with me. What we have been dealing with in Kansas City, Kansas, isn't just a truly shocking case of injustice, but historic and economic issues as well, which deepen the challenges we as a community face. For many, they never find their way to recovery. With these individuals, we also need to show them love and understanding. It's sad that they face so many obstacles to just living a normal life. The cycles of perpetuating the same thing over and over. It's just interesting, the compounding of this and how those cycles just don't seem to be able to be broken. So if an individual is really trying to get some help, how do they remove themselves from the environment that they know so well every day in order to make that happen?

[Myisha Hill]

Because I think to get out of that environment, we all have to consider choice. Like, what can I choose to do? How do I. What choices do I have? My therapist had me do a genogram, which is basically this chart where you track all your generational behaviors in your whole bloodline, and you're able to visually see where the trauma can stop with you. One day, I just woke up and said, I gotta stop. This has to stop with me. I don't want my daughter to be a single mom. I see eight generations of single parents.

[Nikki Richardson]

It's hard to take control when your trauma has put you in the position of a victim and taking all your power away. But we have to look for ways to confront our pain and move on. For example, the geniogram maps out generational trauma over a hundred years. This is a great way to show a victim that their pain won't go away if they ignore it. Therapy wasn't a solution for black people in the past. People like Myesha are working to make it more available, but it's still not that accessible. In days gone by, the churches where people went for healing and support in a crisis. I wanted to speak to Maisha about how this cornerstone institution of the black community is walking with its flock and their journeys to healing. After the break, we're going to look at the role the church can play in healing our wounds, where their limits are and how to avoid re traumatizing yourself by sharing your stories.

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[Nikki Richardson]

I'm a Christian and an active member of my church. The church has supported me and sustained me through rough times, but we have to be critical of the main institutions in our communities and push them to serve the flock better. I've seen improvements come in the church, but it has a huge role to play in healing the community. So if it doesn't take that role seriously, it could end up doing more harm than good. When it comes to mental health, particularly people in urban cores, how do you feel like the church? Do you think they help or do you think that they create more anguish?

[Myisha Hill]

I've seen churches that have a special fund in their church where their fund is just dedicated to mental health and supporting members who need mental health services in their church. When the church partners with their local health department because their health department can actually send teams out to talk about mental health, that works. And I've seen churches that think that just laying the hands on somebody is going to heal them.

[Nikki Richardson]

So how would an individual set up some healthy boundaries when it comes to participating in what we call church healing?

[Myisha Hill]

I love what you're asking. I think a person has to set their own boundaries and know that the church should not have power over them. If I know that a pastor says to me, I'm going to lay hands on you and heals you, is going to re traumatize and re trigger me, because in the past that's never worked. I need to write a letter to the deacon and elder board and say, hey, it's a boundary for me.

[Nikki Richardson]

Setting boundaries and understanding the limits of what can work for us on our healing journey is crucial. Telling your story can be powerful, but too much of it can be triggering. One of the key areas we focus on is ensuring the welfare of the women we advocate for at justice for Wyandotte by protecting them from being exploited. When it comes to participating in church healing, it's not the same. And even when you're sitting in a circle, there needs to be a healthy dose of what I can take and what I can't take. We have a thing where you don't need to tell your story but once or twice, and that's it. Because we believe telling your story over and over re traumatizes you. People want help, they want relief, they want justice. And so they feel compelled to tell these stories. But at the end of the day, it's tearing them apart. And in most cases, these church leaders are at the forefront of the fight for justice. How do we balance what the church can provide in those healthy boundaries?

[Myisha Hill]

For me, it would be explicitly knowing what my boundaries are in the church and excusing myself when those boundaries are going to be crossed. What is a boundary violation around my mental health? How do we hold the church accountable? Another thing, if you're in a circle and your circle doesn't have agreements of how y' all show up together, you're not in the right circle. If you're in a circle and they're making you tell your story over and over again, that's not the right circle. So when I lead circle, it's, we're going to write your story, we're going to speak your story, then we're going to rewrite a new story circle should always be for me empowering you not to live out that old story and rewriting a new one. What I also learned was like having that faith in myself. And the power of affirmations allowed me to take steps forward to want to heal on an even deeper level. It empowered me to stop looking for someone to come and save me or rescue me. It actually gave me the power to believe in myself and a higher power, God. Or maybe some people don't have that. But it allowed me to believe that healing and growth was possible. But it starts with me and I had to take responsibility for that. Even in the darkest circumstance.

[Nikki Richardson]

As unfair as it might sound, I agree with Myeshia. Ultimately, no one but you can start your healing journey. You have to find the strength to affirm yourself. When you do this, you'll find others stepping up to support you. I think that Maisha's message is hopeful and it taps into something Nikki and I have believed in with our own work. When a victim takes those bold steps towards healing and recovery, I imagine it would be useful to know the signs of progress. So I put that question to Maisha when we talked.

[Myisha Hill]

For me, progress looks like setting goals with someone and then we usually do like one life goal. I'll use a person who is married and is learning how to have goals for herself. So she'll have a goal for her life and a goal for her marriage. And over a 90 day period, we'll check in about the goal, we'll talk about communication styles, we'll talk about how she's prioritizing herself in her marriage and then how she's prioritizing her partner. We'll just do a constant reporting and a check in. And usually within a 90 day period, I'm able to see people who are not able to set boundaries and not able to speak for themselves, set boundaries and start to speak for themselves. There are some women that I've worked with for over five years that when you go back to who they used to be, which was very passive and feeling a sense of hopelessness, they're learning to find more joy in their life. They're learning to see, have their own boundaries and then speak up when their boundaries are violated.

[Nikki Richardson]

I recognize what Maisha is saying in the healing journeys of the many women I have been involved with, we have to build up those resources of self respect, self worth, boundaries and self love. Once we've built, we move to maintaining those elements. Even something as simple as gardening can be a part of the healing process. And it's something that Myesha encourages, too. My mom had a garden. She loved gardens. She named the flowers. Name this. This is what this does, and this is how it's going to bear fruit in this time of the year. And so I. I understand the importance of food from the ground. Do you think the experience of, like, gardening and that bringing that into the fold of a circle where people actually touching the earth and touching each other food relates to that? How do we get people in a mindset that they understand that urban gardening and farming is an easy aspect, an easy economic way to get there? When it comes to your health, you.

[Myisha Hill]

Are going to need to connect to the earth. You may need meditation and yoga and breath work. You may need a nutritionist to help us eat really good foods that will clear our minds. You may need a holistic practitioner who can come in and tell you what vitamins and supplements to take. You may need a movement specialist. It's a whole community systems approach so that the community can move towards healing and possibility. You have to empower yourself and then find the support that you need and ask for that help. You don't have to do it by yourself. I'm suggesting the circle and the food and the somatics and getting your hands in the dirt. What I know from history is that those of us who stay in our imagination and dream and create even in this system of dysfunction, healing is possible. Healing is a lifelong journey. You're never fully healed. You're always becoming, let's say your first trauma was at five years old and you've been living it with it, and now you're 45. You can't unlearn 45 years of trauma in like one year or two years. It takes a constant practice because you have to reaffirm those behaviors. Unlearn and relearn, and it is just a marathon, not a sprint, because your trauma will show up. It's how you react and respond to it that makes the biggest difference.

[Nikki Richardson]

Maisha, I want to thank you for your insight and your contributions. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and offering such powerful tools for understanding how we can start to heal. Your work is truly a gift for this community. Myesha is a part of a generation of women who have given black women more tools and more choices to get better. This generation of women have been truly courageous and blazed a trail. I hope you can take something from her wise words. In this girlfriend's guide. I wanted to touch on multiple paths for healing for you listeners. I wanted you to know that there are so many roads to healing and ways to overcome. While the pain is real, so is the possibility of healing. Not every solution will work for everyone, but there are tools and help available. Our communities have endured so much, but we also have the strength to heal and grow. Let's take this journey together. In the next episode of the Girlfriends Untouchable, Nikki will be diving into police misconduct and speaking to the executive director of the National Police Accountability Project. To get some tips for how to know your rights and navigate interactions with the police, here's a sneak peek. I don't think it's an option to.

[Khadijah Hardaway]

Say we just have to deal with.

[Nikki Richardson]

This, we just have to give up. People are suffering right now. People are dealing with police violence right now. I don't think it should happen to anybody else and we should stand by.

[Myisha Hill]

Them and stand with them.

[Nikki Richardson]

The Girlfriend's Untouchable is produced by Novel for iHeart podcast. For more from Novel, visit Navo Audio. This episode was hosted by me, Khadijah Hardaway. It was written and produced by Muhammad Ahmed. The editor is Joe Wheeler, the researcher is Sayana Youssef, Production management from Shadow Ree Houston and Joe Savage. The fact checker is Fendal Fulton. Sound Design, mixing and scoring by Daniel Kimson with additional engineering by Nicholas Alexander Music supervision by Rafara Mazaroora, Nicholas Alexander and Joe Wheeler. Original music by Amanda Jones. The series artwork was designed by Christina Lemku, Novels Director of development and Selena Mehta. Willard Foxton is Novel's Creative director of development. Max o' Brien and Craig Strachan are executive producers for Novel. Katrina Novo and Nikki Etor are the executive producers for iHeart podcast and the marketing lead is Allison Cantor. And a special thanks to Carly Frankel and the whole team at wme.

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