Gwyneth Paltrow (2:27)

As if by magic.

Nikki Glaser (2:29)

Nothing in itself is addictive on the one hand. On the other hand Everything could be addictive if there's an emptiness in that person that needs to be filled.

Gwyneth Paltrow (2:37)

I now know that nobody changes until they change their energy. And when you change your energy, you change your life. I'm Gwyneth Paltrow. This is the Goop Podcast, bringing together thought leaders, culture changers, creatives, founders and CEOs, scientists, doctors, healers and seekers here to start conversations. Because simply asking questions and listening has the power to change the way we see the world. Here we go.

Kelsey from Goop (3:07)

Welcome to the Goop Podcast. I'm Kelsey from Goop. If you listen to Gwyneth's recent AMA episode, you know she's taking a little holiday break, but will be back in the new year with an incredible lineup of guests. Until then, we'll be revisiting some of your favorite conversations from the archive along with a few new guest hosted episodes. We're excited to share. Thanks for listening.

Gwyneth Paltrow (3:32)

Hi, everybody. Welcome to the Goop Podcast. I'm Gwyneth Paltrow. Thanks for joining me. Today I'm sitting down with Nikki Glaser. Nikki is a very brilliant and irreverent comedian. You might know her from hosting the Golden Globes just recently. Her Roast of Tom Brady, which went viral, and her stand up, which is pretty honest and pretty searing. I really loved sitting down with Nikki and getting to know her and really starting to understand the woman underneath all of the punchlines. We had a really fascinating talk to do with body image, vulnerability and many other topics. Nikki really opened up about the parts of herself that she's still working on. She's beautifully human. She talks about what therapy has taught her and the joke that she wishes she could take back. So let's get into it. I have to tell you, I've had the best time researching you for this podcast. Really? Like, I think you're kind of this feminist icon and I'm not even sure you really know it yet fully. I'm telling you, all the girls in the office are losing their minds that you're here.

Nikki Glaser (4:54)

That means so much to me, really.

Gwyneth Paltrow (4:56)

I mean, like, I've watched, I think, almost everything you've ever done, all your interviews.

Nikki Glaser (5:02)

Wow.

Gwyneth Paltrow (5:03)

And you are so.

Nikki Glaser (5:04)

I'm sorry, by the way. That's a lot of research.

Gwyneth Paltrow (5:08)

I laughed a lot.

Nikki Glaser (5:09)

Thank you, Gwyneth.

Gwyneth Paltrow (5:10)

So did the Tom Brady roast. Is that what precipitated the Golden Globes thing?

Nikki Glaser (5:14)

Yes, that. I don't even think I was on the radar for, like hosting an award show maybe like in five years or something. But it wasn't even something I even dreamed of.

Gwyneth Paltrow (5:22)

Cause. Oh, really?

Nikki Glaser (5:23)

There just weren't conversations around it. It was like, yeah, maybe, eventually. But then I think it was really like, you know, Tom Brady Rose was live, and it was such, like, an acute performance that you have to just be on your shit. And it.

Gwyneth Paltrow (5:35)

Yeah.

Nikki Glaser (5:36)

Then that was like, what about the Emmys? And I was like, in a couple months, like, I didn't even. They've never even invited me to do, like, interview people on the red carpet, let alone host. So it was like. That was when I was like, oh, maybe this will be my next thing. And then.

Gwyneth Paltrow (5:48)

Yeah. And then there it came.

Nikki Glaser (5:49)

Then it came.

Gwyneth Paltrow (5:50)

There's so much rigor that you bring to your writing, to your practicing. I heard you, you know, did your golden globe speech, like, 91 times. So is there a difference there between, like, preparation and obsessiveness? Like, is it a. Is it a pursuit of perfection?

Nikki Glaser (6:09)

Such a good question. Because. Yes. Like, I've even connected it. Like, it is ocd. It's like, you know, and so when I'm preparing for a set, if I leave any potential on the floor, I failed myself. Like, I wanna go out there. And the only way I'll be able to sleep at night after that for right or wrong is if I can say I did everything I could to be great. Because then if it's not great, which could not be, something could happen. I can say, well, I couldn't have done anything differently.

Gwyneth Paltrow (6:37)

Right.

Nikki Glaser (6:38)

And that's. I think I used to go into things being like, well, I'll try my best, and then it'll go however it goes. And then I torture myself afterwards if it's not good. Cause I go, you could have done. You knew that. You could have gone out that one night and run sets instead of staying in. And so now I don't. I just have to plan it so that I don't have those regrets. Cause that's the most painful thing I've ever felt in my life, is getting done with something and going, like, why did I say that? Why didn't I just think before that interview with Gwyneth that she maybe could have asked that question? If I would have just meditated that morning, I could have maybe prepared for that question. And I had an interesting answer. It was right there. Nikki, why didn't you think of it? You just talked to someone the other day about this thing, and then you're sitting across from Gwyneth and you have the most interesting answer to her story, and you didn't say it like, that's the conversation I might have with myself later on today. Hopefully I won't, but like, so punishing. I love it. I know, I know. It's. I'm trying to desperately to be nicer to myself. The other day. I wanna share this cause I think it's good. I woke up and I was having like a like punishing self. Like I had slept through Pilates and I could have gone but I just canceled. And then I had the $15 fee for canceling and I'm like, oh God. And it's the third day in a row I've done that, thinking I'd get up for 7:30 Pilates. And so I'm like, wake up. And I'm just like, oh, I have to wash off this spray tan. And there's like spray tan all over the bed and I just feel gross and my room's a mess and like the door's open and it's just like humid in the room, but also cold. It's like, I like, ugh, why did you do this to yourself? And then I just went like. And I like kiss myself on the arm gently. I don't even know why. I think it's cause I just. Something in me was like, girl, be nice. And this gentle kiss on my arm like literally like grounded me and was like, oh, you're like a sweet little girl. Like remember that, you know, keeping photos of yourself as a kid and like looking at them to remind yourself of that's like who's really struggling in there and like trying, you know, I do, I really do the work. It sounds like I don't, but I do the work to silence all of these thoughts and. But man, they bubble up and especially around my period. It's just like there's no fortress to protect me from them.

Gwyneth Paltrow (8:50)

I've noticed that in these hormonal changes that I'm dealing with now. Like I've had anxiety and I've never had it before. And mine comes in self punishing thoughts as well. And it's only like a couple nights a month that it happens. But I'll really like, you know, I mean, of course there are things about myself that I've never liked and whatever, but this is like where you're totally hijacked and you're lying there like going over every mistake you've ever made and so is yours.

Nikki Glaser (9:16)

Like going back through mistakes you've made. Like, is it like finite things that are like, why did I do this today or yesterday? Or is it like overarching things like what's your anxiety look like it'll be.

Gwyneth Paltrow (9:26)

Like, you know, why did I make out with my friend's ex boyfriend in high school? How could I have done that? How could I have done that?

Nikki Glaser (9:33)

Whoa.

Gwyneth Paltrow (9:34)

Or like, you know, why did I, why did I not say, you know, the hard thing when it needed to be said in that conversation? And instead now I've made a mess because when I was, you know, 38, I didn't say the honest thing. Like, really, it's, it's, it's stuff from like way back. It's stuff from back because, you know, since I've turned about, I don't know, around 40 onwards, which. Are you already 40? Yeah. So for me, like something happened when I turned 40 and I started to like, actually feel more comfortable with myself and like myself more. And then in 50, you're like, oh, this I, like, I'm okay, you know, I accept myself. But it, you know, it's funny when you said kissing your own arm, like I do that kind of stuff.

Nikki Glaser (10:20)

Yeah.

Gwyneth Paltrow (10:20)

Like, I'll give myself a hug. Like, I talk to myself.

Nikki Glaser (10:23)

Yes.

Gwyneth Paltrow (10:23)

I talk to my like, little girl in there. And it's actually very powerful, I think, to go in and re parent yourself in that way and like show your little self that you are a grownup and you are in control of things. And it's not the same as when someone, you know, made fun of you when you were little. And, you know, it's actually an incredibly powerful tool.

Nikki Glaser (10:44)

I know. And it's so ridiculous. It feels so ridiculous though, you know, mirror work you read about or just, you know, even putting it through the filter that we all know of. Like, would you talk to your friend this way?

Gwyneth Paltrow (10:56)

Yeah.

Nikki Glaser (10:57)

No, you'd make out with her husband, but no.

Gwyneth Paltrow (10:59)

Exactly.

Nikki Glaser (11:00)

But you wouldn't.

Gwyneth Paltrow (11:00)

What the fuck?

Nikki Glaser (11:01)

No, you wouldn't. You would never talk. Like, just that stops you in your tracks of like, why is it okay for me to talk to myself this way? And why don't I let myself off the hook like I do everyone else and have a million reasons why that person. That's okay that you made that decision. Like it makes sense. Why can't I have the same empathy for myself? I don't know. But I do know it gets better.

Gwyneth Paltrow (11:21)

I'm working on it though.

Nikki Glaser (11:22)

It's getting better. Like I've quit weed or I've quit alcohol and eating disorder behavior. Like, I've got a handle on all of that.

Gwyneth Paltrow (11:30)

But not weed.

Nikki Glaser (11:31)

But not weed. Yeah. If you can't tell weed is the one That I, like, you know, just sometimes just want it and I let myself have it. And then I go through this stage of, like, feeling guilty about it. But my new thing that has really helped me not feel, like, not do it as much is letting myself do it. And it's not being like, because, okay, if I'm gonna smoke weed, why don't you enjoy it instead of, like, then beating yourself up while you're high. Like, you're already high.

Gwyneth Paltrow (11:58)

Have fun, right?

Nikki Glaser (12:00)

Listen to some dmb. Like, like, sit. Just sit and think about God or whatever. And, like. Or, you know, whatever it is instead of. And just go, oh, I guess I needed this. Like, let yourself have the things. If you. If I overeat, I just go, like, well, guess I needed that instead of like, you idiot. Because then that'll lead me to overeating more. Like, the anxiety is what caused me to want to smoke weed. Why am I giving myself more anxiety? Because I did it.

Gwyneth Paltrow (12:26)

It sounds like there's just, like, you've associated, like, rigidity in some sense with, like, being okay or, you know, it's like you have. Yeah, this. This rigid idea of what you're supposed to be and supposed to. You know, And I. I mean, look, there have definitely been periods of my life where I've struggled with that so much, but I think also, the body also responds to what you tell it. You know, I remember this doctor saying to me once, because I was like, oh, my God, I ate, like, fast food, you know, And I was trying to be, like, healthier and deal with inflammation, blah, blah, blah. And then I eat, and the doctor was saying to me, but if you're relating to the food, like it's poisonous and really bad for you, then that's how your body's gonna respond to it.

Nikki Glaser (13:11)

Totally.

Gwyneth Paltrow (13:12)

And it was just this idea of, I don't know, loosening up a little bit, not being so binary, like, getting out of this right, wrong, like, perfection. Terrible paradigm.

Nikki Glaser (13:21)

Yes.

Gwyneth Paltrow (13:22)

That's a pursuit that you have to really commit to. So I think it's great that you are trying to bring this softness in.

Nikki Glaser (13:32)

Forgive myself for what I am. Like, if I could not smoke weed, I would not smoke weed. But I can't. I was just born as someone who needs to reach for it that day. So, like, I. That's. My job is to. My job is to be funny. But really what funny is, is like saying the thing that no one else is saying, and it's being honest. So I'm so glad that I have that because it helps me so much. Because when you get honest, then people can go, hey, are you okay? Like, that's really been the trick for me.

Gwyneth Paltrow (14:02)

And does the honesty and authenticity in what you say sort of lessen those punitive voices?

Nikki Glaser (14:10)

I think so, because you hear them, you say them out loud. And also other. You get other people's feedback on of like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why? What's going on here? This is because in your head, you're like, no, this is like, I deserve to be punished this way and to be talked to this way. And then when you say it out loud, you get feedback from people that. It's like, that's not how you should talk. Or, you know, you talk about on stage. And then people reach out and say, oh, me too. And you go, you, wow, I would never think that for you. And then it feels like. And then I talk that person through it of like, well, you shouldn't be doing that to yourself. And I'm like, oh, okay. Well, this is kind of giving me.

Gwyneth Paltrow (14:46)

The light bulb going on.

Nikki Glaser (14:48)

Yeah. Like, that's how I should talk to myself. So I think it does. That does help. But there are, like, you know, I act like, oh, it's so amazing to just be free in what I say, but it also gets me into so much trouble and makes me a liability in a lot of ways.

Gwyneth Paltrow (15:01)

You think why?

Nikki Glaser (15:02)

Well, I think that, like, sometimes it's overshare. I mean, there's like, this kind of backlash to the honesty movement of, like, we don't need to hear all. Like, sometimes I. Especially with sex stuff, I can watch back stuff. And I go, jesus Christ, no one needs to hear about that, Nikki. You know, so it was.

Gwyneth Paltrow (15:17)

Maybe. But it's also about what you were saying at the time for that. It's like you move culture forward when you talk. You know, it's like you're breaking paradigms. It's really important to do that.

Nikki Glaser (15:30)

That's a good point. Like, I just have to look back at it and go, that's just what you were feeling then. And really, I was just. Whenever I'm saying stuff on stage that might seem shocking or, like, why are you saying that? It's just because I'm trying to make entertainment for people like me who was like, I wish some girl would tell me what it's like to give a blowjob because I had not given one until I was 21, and I had talked to my friends about it, but they just are like, well, you just. You know, you just go down. Like, I was wanting details and so as soon as I started giving them, I'm like, I need to make something that's public for girls who probably shouldn't be watching this, to watch when they're young, to know what it's gonna be like, what happens? Because it's just sex, to me was just, like, so confusing and so shrouded in secrecy and shame. And as soon as I got in there, I was like, I have to tell everyone. And everyone's like, yeah, we know we've been doing this. And I'm like, but isn't it weird that, like, it was just weird? Sex is still weird to me and fascinating for different reasons now. But, yeah, that's really always, like, kind of. I write from that place of, like, what, five years ago or, like, even a year ago? What's something I know now that I wish someone would have kind of let me in on?

Gwyneth Paltrow (16:42)

I love that lens. Like. Or what can I dispel? Or. Yeah, how can I teach in this moment?

Nikki Glaser (16:48)

How can I teach? Because I. If you give girls, like, if you tell girls what happens when you're having sex or what should be expected and what isn't. Like, how many stories do you know of women who, like, a guy did something weird to them where you're. You're so far in and you don't. You go, I guess this is what happens. Like, early on, you go, I guess all guys do this. And I just haven't heard this. And so you do it, and then you come to find out, oh, this isn't at all what happened. So I think it protects people to talk about stuff like this. And, like, right now in my act, I'm, like, talking about, like, pedophiles and people who have been sexually abused. And it's like, not like what you would normally go to for, like, a comedy routine. And I'm not, like, mocking it at all, but I'm like, I think we need to talk about this. Because in my experiences growing up, I'm starting to talk to my girlfriends, and a lot of them and guy friends have suffered abuse as children.

Gwyneth Paltrow (17:42)

So many and so many.

Nikki Glaser (17:44)

So many more than anyone thinks about. And luckily, it didn't happen to me. And I feel like because of that, I can talk about it in a way where I'm not triggered. I understand if people are and don't wanna talk about it, but I think it just needs to be. Be talked about more. And people are like, you're making people uncomfortable. And I'm like, but I gotta work through the kinks of this act so I can get to a place where I can have an act where I'm like, this is a hilarious bit that also talks about something that's happening a lot that makes people that may have had it happen to them feel almost like, not proud. Well, yeah, proud of themselves that they got through it. Like, I don't wanna ever make anyone feel bad, but you kind of have to. That's my new thing of, like, I've noticed a lot of people have been abused, but they're still even like, yeah, well, as a child, my. My uncle and I go, why are you talking? Like, why can you tell people about, oh, I got spanked as a child, My dad beat me with a belt. And that's kind of like, okay. Not okay, but like, no one goes, oh, that's. What did you do to get that done? But, like, being molested for some reason has this still kind of like, Yeah, I was like, there's a shame around.

Gwyneth Paltrow (18:47)

It because the perpetrator, like, that's. That's the key tool to keep them safe.

Nikki Glaser (18:53)

Right.

Gwyneth Paltrow (18:53)

To keep them safe is to make you feel, like, so much shame and part in it secrecy.

Nikki Glaser (18:58)

And so you shouldn't tell anyone because people go, well, why did. Why did you get molested? And so it is. You're absolutely right. It's wrapped up in it. And I'm like, we need to take it back.

Gwyneth Paltrow (19:06)

I think this is brilliant.

Nikki Glaser (19:08)

I'm like, it's really not something. I think people representing me want me to go down this road, but I'm like, it's incredible. I'm. I'm fired up about it, to be honest with you. Like, I just. I do a lot of research on it. Like, I'm not just talking about it as someone who doesn't know what they're talking about. Like, I really feel passionate and I'm talking with people who have had this affect them to make sure I get it right. But it's my next thing of, like, I want to blow the lid off this a bit more than it has been.

Gwyneth Paltrow (19:37)

I honestly think that's so amazing and brave and so necessary because so many. I mean, again, like, I mean, I. Almost 100% of the women that I know, certainly in my age bracket, have had something happen to them.

Kelsey from Goop (19:53)

Yeah.

Gwyneth Paltrow (19:54)

And it is something that gets, like, stuffed down into your cells that you don't wanna think about, that you don't wanna talk about. One of my best friends actually just published a book yesterday, and it got Oprah's Book Club, which is so exciting.

Nikki Glaser (20:08)

Oh, my God, I just pre ordered it.

Gwyneth Paltrow (20:10)

But yeah, the tell. I'm so excited.

Kelsey from Goop (20:11)

Yes.

Nikki Glaser (20:11)

The tell.

Gwyneth Paltrow (20:12)

She's one of my closest friends and.

Nikki Glaser (20:14)

When I was reading like researching about that book. Cause they weren't saying what it was, but was it something that she came to terms with and like realized how wrong it was.

Gwyneth Paltrow (20:22)

Later she did a therapeutic M session and it all came back.

Nikki Glaser (20:29)

Gwyneth. Like I have a friend that had the same thing happen to them after a therapeutic mushroom thing of like it all clicked and then it's been verified by other family members. Like this isn't just something and it's. And you know, we all know like I if it, it's just the root of so much evil in our society just from the perpetrators, but then also the pain that it causes and, and.

Gwyneth Paltrow (20:51)

The downstream impact on that. Yeah.

Nikki Glaser (20:54)

And if, and if it were, if there was a way to talk about it more openly where it didn't make everyone feel weird and you could just like these victims would be able to. It's. I can't wait to read her book. Yeah, thank her for putting that out there because it's so brave and like extraordinary because we need more people screaming about it.

Gwyneth Paltrow (21:12)

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Nikki Glaser (21:20)

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Nikki Glaser (22:17)

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Nikki Glaser (22:38)

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Nikki Glaser (22:53)

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Gwyneth Paltrow (22:58)

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Nikki Glaser (23:00)

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Nikki Glaser (23:34)

Oh, thank you.

Gwyneth Paltrow (23:35)

You know, and you could see on his face that he didn't think it was too far, right?

Nikki Glaser (23:39)

Yeah. Yeah, I hope so. I didn't really get a chance to talk to him after, but I hope. Cause I didn't want to. You know, there is that. Like, you don't want to make someone feel bad, but your job is to do that. So it's like this fine line where I just try to celebrate them and I try to research them enough, where I'm like, I become a fan. And then when I'm a fan of someone, I don't want to hurt them if I really like someone and I'm, wow, this guy's really special. How can I become a fan first? So, you know, going into Tom Brady, I just didn't know that much about him. And then once I read his book and, like, watched all the documentaries, I'm like, I love this guy. And then I felt like, okay, now I can go to town because I know it's coming from a place of love. Like, deep down, I am in awe of this man. But yeah, there's some things like that I do regret of certain roasts where I've just, you know, I knew mentioning like, for instance, like mentioning his ex wife's name. Like, she's not there. She's not being paid to be there. Tom's being paid. So, like, fine, go after him. Like, and. But I'm like, I had to make A decision, like, do I say this person's name who's not here, who is definitely not gonna like this joke? You know, the joke isn't making fun of her at all, but it does put her in a sexual scenario that I'm sure she's like, I don't need people picturing that. And I.

Gwyneth Paltrow (24:55)

It was funny, though.

Nikki Glaser (24:56)

It was. It was funny. And I struggled with it because I'm like, I would probably be annoyed at that. And I go, okay. I'm willing to risk that person never really liking me and giving her and, like, being okay with it and not being like, oh, grow up. Take a joke. Like, no, you have a right to be annoyed. Like, right, right. And I risked ever being friends with you because of it. And that's probably a bummer because you seem like a really nice person. You know what I mean? Like, there are times like that where I go. I make mistakes. Like, there's things I've done with jokes that I'm just like, what were you thinking? And that's.

Gwyneth Paltrow (25:28)

But don't you have the latitude to do that when you're a comedian? Like, isn't that kind of the whole point?

Nikki Glaser (25:33)

Yes. But then when you get a certain level of fame, you become friends with these people and then they can become upset about stuff, and then you. Like, when I was just like a nobody, it was like free range. And I never even thought I would ever be at a Vanity Fair party, like, mingling with people I could have maybe done bits about. So now I walk with a little. It's not like I'm a pussy now of, like. Cause I want to be in with the Hollywood elite. It's like, I just don't want to talk shit about someone I might have to meet. Like, that's just a normal thing. I think that.

Gwyneth Paltrow (26:04)

But don't you think people are forgiving, like, as well? Like, they, like, if you had a good, mean joke about me, yeah, I would.

Nikki Glaser (26:11)

No, you listen. You are different. Like, you are someone who has a proven track record of having a sense of humor, but about yourself as well. So, like, you wouldn't scare me, like, if I had a joke about you that was like, making fun of the whole goop, clean living, vagina, egg, candle stuff. Like, yeah, you've heard it all before. Like, I know the area to go in with you. And even, like. And because I like, I like you. Like, I know it comes from a place of, like, I just. If there's anything I'm saying rude about Gwyneth, it's. Cause it's coming from jealousy. And she would know that, too, you know? And so, like, for example, there was a bit I was doing about J. Lo for a while about, like, how her skin cream. I was like, don't trust J. Lo's skin cream. She's not. She doesn't want you to be as hot as she is. She's selling you foot cream. She's doing. She's mean girls ing you, you know? And I. And I was doing it for a while on stage, and I was gonna put it in a special, but I was like, actually, I think I kind of like JLo. And then I was watching her documentary, and then I really liked her, and I was like, oh, I've had this chick all wrong. Like, she's. Any kind of opinion I had about her was, like, the media pushing it down my throat. Like, it was a story I was being told. I was being brainwashed. I think I can see through all of this, and I really like her. And I realize, like, what's this joke about, oh, she's so pretty, Nikki. You're just jealous. Like, you're just. Did she do anything to you except be pretty? And then when I was able to, like, pinpoint that, then I. So I talked about this on a separate thing that she actually saw, and which I never intended for her to see it, but I was willing to tell that joke, knowing that if she ever did see it was couched around me being like, I'm just jealous of you, J. Lo. So she sent me her face cream and said, this is for your feet. So funny. And I didn't even remember saying it. I was just like, why does. What am I what? Like, who sent me this? And we've since become, like, friends from it. But it's like, yeah, there's certain people that I like, I do think have a good sense of humor about themselves. In fact, like, at the Golden Globes, like, I thought, you know, Ariana and Cynthia would have no sense of humor about Wicked. It is wicked. It is a. It's about marginalized people being, you know, like, this is a triumphant story of overcoming discrimination. And we are not to joke about Wicked because it is musical theater. It is gay. It is like, it's everything that society is, like, kind of already. They're already struggling enough. Why poke fun at this thing? And so. And also, you know, their interview cycle was just so, like, so sincere.

Gwyneth Paltrow (28:35)

Right.

Nikki Glaser (28:36)

And I didn't want any moment.

Gwyneth Paltrow (28:38)

All the tears and tears.

Nikki Glaser (28:39)

Yes. The whole thing wasn't holding hands.

Gwyneth Paltrow (28:41)

Yes.

Nikki Glaser (28:41)

It was holding Space the whole thing. And I was there for it. But man, did I wanna mock it. Right? Also, like, so many jokes written about that, kind of like mocking, wicked. And I was just like, I don't think this is it, guys. Like in my writer's room saying, you know, like, we all kind of collectively agreed if we're gonna go after celebrities, maybe not Cynthia and Ariana. Because the worst thing to do an award show is to cut to a celebrity that you make fun of. And they're like, you know, like. And then no matter how funny you are, you've bombed because that person just rolled their eyes at you. And like, even me, as someone who's savvy would go, that guy bombed. Like, no matter what. Because the reaction is everything. Like, it's. It's so important. The cutaways so important. So, you know, I explicitly told the director and which they already are on it. Like, we don't go to a table that's not laughing. We go. Go to comedians. Like, let's start like with comedians and like, make sure you see who's laughing. And we watch other award shows to see who's good laughers, you know.

Gwyneth Paltrow (29:40)

Oh, wow. It's a whole. This is am. You see, this is back to your insane preparedness.

Nikki Glaser (29:45)

Yeah. Of just like, don't. Like, let's not. And let's not put a camera in someone's face who like doesn't want it there. Like, that's annoying too. Like, I've had that happen at awards.

Gwyneth Paltrow (29:53)

Who's a good, you know, celebrity laugher then?

Nikki Glaser (29:56)

Steve Martin. And Martin short. Because they're like comedians. They're already there for it. Yeah, they'll be into it. I mean, looking back on it now, Eddie Redmayne was amazing. Adrien Brody had a sense of humor. Like there were people that I was like, just stay off Adrian. When we do this joke about him being a two time Holocaust survivor. Adrien Brody, like, but he was like there for it. Glen Powell was awesome. But I said, let's go really slow.

Gwyneth Paltrow (30:17)

Glenn is a great guy.

Nikki Glaser (30:19)

So great and funny and like love and. But I. Let's. Let's steer clear of Ariana and Cynthia. But boy was I wrong. Cause I get out there and we do like a couple softballs about. You know, I do some jokes about Wicked. You know, I loved it. My boyfriend loved it. My boyfriend's boyfriend loved it. You know, just like gentle jokes. And they were like, I rarely can sense someone's energy in the audience. Cause I kind of blur my eyes. Cause I don't like to see people disappointed. So I just make everyone kind of like, this blurry sheen, you know? But I could. Ariana and Cynthia were like this the whole time, like, dying to be made fun of. And, like. And then you look a little bit more into both of them. They have great senses of humor about themselves. And I'm like, that was a missed opportunity. Like, I thought that they might be too cool.

Gwyneth Paltrow (31:04)

Right.

Nikki Glaser (31:05)

Same way I thought about J. Lo. Like, I'm not doing that joke in a special cause she's gonna come after me. No, she likes sends a joke back to me.

Gwyneth Paltrow (31:11)

Right?

Nikki Glaser (31:11)

Like, I have to stop. I think that sometimes I underestimate people who I put on a pedestal of being, like, taking themselves too seriously.

Gwyneth Paltrow (31:19)

Even though you wanted to fuck her boyfriend on Raya or her husband.

Nikki Glaser (31:23)

Wait, wait, which one was that?

Gwyneth Paltrow (31:24)

Ben Affleck.

Nikki Glaser (31:25)

Oh, yeah. Oh, I definitely, when I used to be on Raya, and he would come across very concentrated. Check mark. Yes. And, like, never getting it back. There are so many. There are so many celebrities that I saw on Raya.

Gwyneth Paltrow (31:39)

Celebrities on Raya.

Nikki Glaser (31:40)

Oh, my. My God. So many. Like, there's, like. I think Andrew Garfield's face came up for me so many times. Multiple times. That would have been a good one, right?

Gwyneth Paltrow (31:50)

He's gorgeous.

Nikki Glaser (31:51)

I'm sure he just didn't see my profile, even though I clicked on his a million. Like, you know, they'll keep serving you up. The same people, like, again and again for some reason. So every time I'm like, yes, Sandra Garf. Like, duh. You know, this is years and years ago. I don't want to put anything out there. But, like, yes, yes, yes. And. And I know. I know for a fact he had to have seen my profile and gone, nope. No. Why do they keep. Cause sometimes they send people that you keep saying no to. So, like, I would have matched with him if he was interested.

Gwyneth Paltrow (32:19)

So he regrets it, I'm sure now.

Nikki Glaser (32:21)

But, like, why not then?

Gwyneth Paltrow (32:23)

Yeah, exactly.

Nikki Glaser (32:23)

Because I hadn't seen Dr. Diamond yet. Symmetrical, like, no, but that's.

Gwyneth Paltrow (32:28)

What did Dr. Diamond do for you?

Nikki Glaser (32:30)

He.

Gwyneth Paltrow (32:31)

He just, like, we sell his skincare on Google.

Nikki Glaser (32:33)

Oh, yeah. It's a medicine. Yeah. So good injections. Like, he does, like, a fate. Like, literally behind my ear, filler on the temples.

Gwyneth Paltrow (32:44)

What does that do?

Nikki Glaser (32:45)

I don't know. It just gives you, like, a structured face, and then he. He just stares at you very long and kind of goes like this. And, like, you're, like, literally, like, talking about intimacy like, this close to him, just staring at like, now look here. I'm like, do I have to look in your eyes? And then I just stare at like the middle of his forehead. And then he kind of just goes. And just like different filler stuff. I'm trying to get away from filler, though, because that's the new trend. I'll get back into it when it's back in. But I don't mind a little Botox lip lift.

Gwyneth Paltrow (33:14)

I've never done that.

Nikki Glaser (33:16)

So that's like when they put Botox up here and they're not supposed to. It's not like it's off label. Yeah, it's like, not Botox doesn't advertise. That's a thing you should do. But everyone knows about the Botox. Like, I've heard of it, but what's it called even? It's not called a lip lift. The lift lift is the surgical procedure I do want. Cause they just remove a little bit of lip flip.

Gwyneth Paltrow (33:35)

Lip flip.

Nikki Glaser (33:35)

Lip flip, flip.

Gwyneth Paltrow (33:36)

Thank you.

Nikki Glaser (33:36)

Thank you. And I sometimes get this. And then. Oh, I went really frozen. I put a lot of units up in my forehead recently because it's like. Could be an accordion up there. Thank God I'm getting movement back. Cause I was like a pre.

Gwyneth Paltrow (33:49)

Golden Globes thing.

Nikki Glaser (33:50)

No, it was right after because I think I like, saw too much movement on Golden Globes. And I was like, take it out. Like, you know, you just get.

Gwyneth Paltrow (33:56)

Did you rewatch it?

Nikki Glaser (33:58)

No, not. You know, you see stills and stuff. But then I. I saw. I don't know what made me go in and go, let's go hard. Because I guess I've never done it before. I'm like, oh, I'm not gonna be on TV a lot. Coming up. Like, let's see what it's like to put a lot of Botox in my forehead. Because I do very little usually. And it was a mistake because I just. Oh, it was actually last week. So it's not out. Actually. It's still very much in. You can probably see it, but. But I allow myself to have a sense of humor about it. And I think that's. My friends do not on Girls Chat. Appreciate when I, like, start making comparisons and do side by sides. Like, I swear I do look like Mickey Rourke. And I'll prove it. Oh, you don't think I look like Marjorie Taylor Greene? Well, what about this? And I'll like, fade her face out and onto mine. And I'm like, you can't even deny it. And they're like, nikki, you're psychotic. What Is this app you're using to AI your face? Like, I'm like, well, I paid 5.99 just to prove to you girls that you can't lie to me and say I don't look like Marc Audrey Taylor Greenway too. And they're like, I like, bully. I literally, like, online bully myself sometimes. But honestly, just to make my girlfriends laugh and, and to prove my point of like, don't take this from me. I'm allowed to feel a little bit ugly today. I'm on my period. It'll go away tomorrow, you all know. But, like, today, let me prove that I look like an ancient clay mask.

Gwyneth Paltrow (35:12)

When I turned 40, I had a really unfortunate overbook experience. Yeah.

Nikki Glaser (35:17)

Okay, so you.

Gwyneth Paltrow (35:18)

I think it was something around. I was turning 40 and I really, like, I had like one of those moments.

Nikki Glaser (35:25)

Oh, yeah.

Gwyneth Paltrow (35:26)

I was living in London at the time and I went to a doctor and I literally will show you pictures like I was a monster. And there was a surprise birthday party for me. I'll never forget that.

Nikki Glaser (35:38)

You did not look surprised or you really did permanently.

Gwyneth Paltrow (35:42)

I remember Kate Hudson, who's an old friend, who's so honest, she's like, honey, what did you do?

Nikki Glaser (35:50)

Ah, yes.

Gwyneth Paltrow (35:52)

I was like, yep.

Nikki Glaser (35:53)

I don't know. It's funny. Well, that's great because it's like a bad haircut. It will go away in a few months. It's not permanent. But when you start getting to the permanent stuff, that's when you're like, I can't take risks on this.

Gwyneth Paltrow (36:07)

Can I ask you one question around your non monogamy thing? Yeah. Is that really. Cause when I've listened to you talk about it, it sort of sounds like this a theoretical and like a. That it's really about going full circle. What you were talking about in the beginning, like, around competition and are you really non monogamous?

Nikki Glaser (36:31)

No. No. I mean, I wouldn't mind if my boyfriend were to fool around with other people.

Gwyneth Paltrow (36:37)

Do you really think you wouldn't mind? Has he done it?

Nikki Glaser (36:40)

Yeah. And you didn't mind, like, years ago? There were a couple times. I don't mind as long as the girl knows that it's not like she's gonna, like. Because, you know, I think girls sometimes when they, they can be convinced, like, he's gonna leave her for me, it's like, that's not gonna happen. So just know what this is, right? Yeah. I think, I think it's definitely the competition thing of like, ooh, maybe he will leave me for her. Okay. I Gotta step it up. Like, I kind of like that, but I also, like, I think he's hot. And I kind of am. Like, try this out. Like, it's like lending, like, my friend, like a. A hairdresser or, like, I don't know. Like, I'm just like, have a good time. And like, I.

Gwyneth Paltrow (37:19)

But is that sex? Like, is that a sexual fetish?

Nikki Glaser (37:22)

Yeah, I think it's a fetish. It's called. It's called. I've looked into it and it's called hot husband. So there's like a hot wife fetish that's way more prolific of, like, men who want their wives to be. It's not cuckolding. They're not in the corner. Like, what are you doing to her? Like, they're just kind of like. They either hear about it or they kind of, like, orchestrate it. And I don't wanna be a part of it. I think he would like me to be a part of a thing with someone else, but I'm not. I don't really. I'd rather just hear about it later.

Gwyneth Paltrow (37:50)

Is this like, another lever for you to not get really intimate with someone?

Nikki Glaser (37:55)

Yeah, that's what Dr. Drew has. Had told me about. He was like, this is a fear of intimacy and you need to work on this. But at this point, like, I just feel so solid with my boyfriend. I think before this might have been like, yeah, like, go find someone better than me kind of thing. But now it's like, it just kind of. Maybe I don't want him to let me just play this out really quick. Right now. He comes home from work and is like, I think this girl's into me and maybe we could do something. Yeah, I'd be into it.

Botox Advertisement Voice (38:22)

I would.

Gwyneth Paltrow (38:23)

I would.

Nikki Glaser (38:24)

I just want to hear all about it, though. Like, and I would want to hear about it while we were fooling around, right? I would want him. I would want us to, like, pretend it wasn't happening and, like, not talk about it and, like, save it, like, as, like, this secret treat that we would talk about during. Because it just. I don't know. For every person I've ever been with, it has always been like, a part of foreplay for me to hear about other women. Like, almost the courtship process. Like, I like the. Like, will they? Won't they? Like, how did you know? Like, I'm really horny for that. I think it's been from watching rom coms growing up of, like, a hand touching, like, that innocent stage of. I think she might be into me. Like that. And that's a part that I struggle with of being in a relationship with someone forever. That I'm never gonna have that again. Of like the romance, the butterflies, the butterflies. Of like our legs are touching under the table and oh, he's not moving it. Like, you know that moment where you're like, there's a paper that could go in between your leg and like you both can feel it and if it wasn't a sexual thing, you just move it instantly. Like it happens with people all the time where you're like, oh, I don't want to touch the person, but you just. Instead you both leave it and you're like, oh my God. Like, that might be the best feeling I've ever felt in my life in that genre of feeling. Right. And I'll never have that again with my boyfriend. That's. I have to mourn that. Because that's true. Like, if I'm in a monogamous relationship, I might have that flutter with someone and like indulge in it. But it can't go beyond that. And what's even the point of it.

Gwyneth Paltrow (39:52)

Can'T go beyond that for you?

Nikki Glaser (39:54)

Because he's not, he's not into that and like, that would be a breach for him. So it's not like a two way street. Which I think is fair because it's like he doesn't even want this, like my weird fetish. Like he would be. The strange thing is he's like, I don't need anyone else or crave anyone else. I'll do it if it turns you on. But it's like not something.

Gwyneth Paltrow (40:12)

Wow, that's super interesting.

Nikki Glaser (40:13)

It is. I always kind of am reluctant to talk about it because it just seems guys hear about it, they're like, you're a dream girl. And it's like, honestly, if you play it out like men don't really want women to. Men want to be kept. They, they, they like when women are kind of like jealous and, and care about whether they like sneaking around more than like, not. They don't. They like sneaking around, but if they're gonna do it, they like to not have.

Gwyneth Paltrow (40:42)

But I wonder if the perception that it makes you a dream girl. Right? Like, I wonder if in some way that's not going back to that vein of perfectionism again. Like, I'm so perfect, my boyfriend could even sleep with somebody else and I wouldn't break up with him.

Nikki Glaser (41:00)

No, no. Cause I think it's like, that's the opposite. Like the girl who would like, let that Happen just to be a cool girl. Like, ugh, kill me if I'm trying to be a pick me girl. Like that. Like, I wish I didn't feel this way because it seems like I'm being like that kind of girl. Like, I, I don't do anything that would cause me pain.

Gwyneth Paltrow (41:18)

Like, that's so interesting.

Nikki Glaser (41:20)

And I just listen. I guess I'm just confident in, like, I'm a pretty great person to date. Like, I just feel like you might have more fun physically with another type of girl. Like a girl with like an actual ash you can grab onto. Mine's kind of like, you know, leaves a lot to be desired. People whiff it when they go to grab it. Like, but you know, like, or like, you know, just like different types of girls. Like, I. I don't want to catch anything and I don't really. I'm not like, I want to taste her on you. It's not like that kind of thing. Like shower after, but then tell me about it. Like, interesting. I don't, I don't know. It's always been a part of our foreplay for me to ask him about past girls, but.

Gwyneth Paltrow (41:54)

So couldn't it just be, like, couldn't he make up a story? Yeah, it wouldn't do the same thing. You're really fascinating. That was fascinating.

Nikki Glaser (42:04)

Well, this only came from, like, we were together long enough that he ran out of all of his stories that had already happened. And I was like, I think you need to go make some new ones because, like, I've already heard this one a lot, you know, like, wow. And there's some. And you know, there literally was a time where we were together. He went to a thing and like, met a girl and like, made out and did some other stuff and like, told me all about it. Like, now I'm remembering and I'm not even joking. Like, I was going through something in my life at the time that I was like, I need to talk to you about this. And he was like, I got a great story. He was so excited and I was barely, I barely cared. He was like, almost disappointed. Like, I literally just forgot to tell you about it. Like, that's how much it doesn't. I do not. I struggle with jealousy so much with like, the way I look with comedy always who is doing what, and I'm not good enough. But when it comes to my relationship, I just don't have a jealousy over him getting close to other women or being like, I have a lot of girlfriends that struggle with jealousy issues of Being friends with ex girlfriends or something like that. And I just don't have that. Maybe it's just with him, but I just don't have that. But I have it everywhere else in my life like crazy.

Gwyneth Paltrow (43:09)

So interesting.

Nikki Glaser (43:11)

It's weird if I can't have someone when we've been off and on forever. And so it. I think a lot of my sexual desire was wrapped up in like, I have to prove myself to him. And like that almost turns me on as like, I'm gonna win him over. And now he's won over. He like loves me for me.

Gwyneth Paltrow (43:27)

Right.

Nikki Glaser (43:28)

And it's just kind of like what's. What am I in doing this for them? So I have to like investigate why am I turned on by like not being like someone not being sold on me? Why does that really horn me?

Gwyneth Paltrow (43:39)

Why do you think?

Nikki Glaser (43:41)

Low self esteem, I think. And just also maybe on the flip side of that high self esteem of like, I want to prove myself what other people doubt or. But I think it's probably low. Being competitive fires me up. If I can make anything a competition, I'll get it done.

Gwyneth Paltrow (43:56)

Interesting.

Nikki Glaser (43:57)

And I think I also had a lot of fears around sex and intimacy. Late bloomer didn't start partaking in that kind of lifestyle till like my mid-20s, late 20s. And then a lot of that was alcohol fueled. And so just a sober kind of sexual experience, like was the first time I ever had like, was with someone totally sober sexually was like 29 or something.

Gwyneth Paltrow (44:21)

Oh, wow.

Nikki Glaser (44:21)

So it was really late and that's. And I think that was when I think the only way that I could get to wanting to do it because before I would just depend on drinking a lot to be like, oh, overcome my fear of being intimate with someone and then to overcome my fear when I was sober was like, make it about winning or make it about a show. Like you're auditioning. Like pretend like you're a porn star right now. Like out of body kind of thing. Don't be you. Because who would want to be with you?

Gwyneth Paltrow (44:48)

Right?

Nikki Glaser (44:48)

So I made it like a game. So now I just have to find another way to gamify it, I guess. Or learn to love myself. I don't know. That seems tough.

Gwyneth Paltrow (44:58)

It's a lifelong pursuit, let's put it that way. Yeah, I'm interested in that. Because you're very open, talking about, you know, the complexities of yourself. Right. And the kind of the things that you've had to surmount. And do you think that that fear of intimacy is like did that come from something with one of your parents? Like that lack of self esteem? Like, what, what, what do you think happened?

Nikki Glaser (45:22)

It has to, right? You know, like, I have the best parents. They're like my best friends. And I always feel bad when I even throw them under the bus when I talk about this kind of stuff. But like, you know, anyone who's doing it perfectly is gonna mess up along the way. And I think that, you know, late 90s, that was just like, you came up and like you were a part of that whole thing. It was like, it was treacherous and there's lots of reels and tiktoks about what it was like to be young back then. But we just didn't. I didn't stand a chance getting out of there, like, liking myself. When I see my friends that do. I'm like, how did you avoid all of that? Cause I was paying attention.

Gwyneth Paltrow (45:59)

Cause you thought it was cultural.

Nikki Glaser (46:01)

Yeah, cultural. And definitely in my family too, though. Like, I think my parents really liked Hollywood, liked tv. Like, we, you know, admired stars. So it was kind of like, I wanna be up there, I wanna be one of the special ones. And yeah, it just. It seemed like thinness and beauty were two things that had to happen. And beauty I was kind of waiting for. Cause I was like, I'll grow into. That's just gonna show up. It didn't in the way that I wanted to. And then thinness, I kind of was like, oh, well, that's something that I can control. And I struggled to figure it out, but then I did figure it out. And then I lost the threat immediately and was totally out of control.

Gwyneth Paltrow (46:40)

So in terms of restricting.

Nikki Glaser (46:43)

Yeah. Oh, just like, Yeah. I was anorexic and hospitalized my senior year of high school. I like finally figured out a way to do it and I was really. It was the first time I was like, good at anything. And I look back on it now and I'm like, oh. Because I was always wanting to be an actress or be discovered at the mall as a model. Wasn't happening for me. I didn't even go to a performing arts school. But I was like, not getting into plays at like a normal high school. I was getting like Jewish Townsperson B and A Diary of Anne Frank my senior year. Like, really embarrassing and like, trying hard and like, I'll dye my hair for it. And they're like, no need. So I was like, just getting all these signals back of like, you're not gonna do this secret dream you have that you kind of keep to Yourself of, like, wanting to be on TV someday or be a performer. And. Yeah, and then I kind of gained some weight, you know, just as you do in high school, just eating, you know, eight bowls of cereal in a row while watching Oprah after school. Like, you just don't even. You don't have any information. You're just like, cereal, Special K diet.

Gwyneth Paltrow (47:43)

Right.

Nikki Glaser (47:43)

You know, like, I literally got discovered at Forever 21. Of, like, you should model. And someone gave me their card. Like, it. Like that. Like that manifestation of that dream I had. It turned out it was, like, a really seedy thing that my mom took me to in downtown St. Louis. And we were, like, looking around like, these people are models. And it was just, like, a scam. But at least someone gave me that car. And I was like, I was discovered. And so.

Gwyneth Paltrow (48:07)

And I think more importantly, you were sent this really strong signal of approval, like, external approval immediately because you were thin. And, I mean, our culture is so fucked up in that way.

Nikki Glaser (48:20)

And it's nearly impossible, I feel like, with the brainwashing that's taken place, like, I feel brainwashed to feel like I'm not good enough if I'm not thin. And yet I've been the size that I'm always yearning to be many times in my life, and I can look back and go, well, you weren't happy. Then there was something else that popped up for you. Or, you know, then your face was too gaunt, and then you were looking at your wrinkles, and you wanted to fix that. So it's. It's all an illusion. And I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated by aging. And then this business just obviously magnifies all of that. And.

Gwyneth Paltrow (48:56)

But I'm interested because you are. And this is one of the things that struck me about you when I was watching you, like, what an iconoclast you are, in the sense also that you are just empirically a really beautiful woman.

Nikki Glaser (49:10)

Thanks. Like, people keep saying, you know, I have a joke about it, like, well, Nikki, you're like Joan Rivers. Like, you don't need to be attractive, which I think is insulting to Joan, even though. And then you go back and look at Joan. Joan's whole pursuit was to be pretty. She felt like an ugly girl. Like, that was a big. She wanted to be taken seriously as, like, a serious dramatic actress. She failed herself in not. Not becoming a serious dramatic actress. And she fell into comedy to kind of, like, get at the punchline before anyone else could about her. And I always joke and say, you know, I am like Joan, I'll probably die undergoing a medical procedure as well.

Gwyneth Paltrow (49:44)

God forbid.

Nikki Glaser (49:45)

No, God forbid. But like, but people forget she was in pursuit of that as well. It's not like she was just like, no, I'm the goofy comedian. Like she, she wanted to be seen as, as a stunning woman.

Gwyneth Paltrow (49:56)

Yeah.

Nikki Glaser (49:56)

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Gwyneth Paltrow (51:42)

How do you reconcile that? This sort of kind of unashamed desire to be a beautiful woman and also to be totally self accepting. Like watching one of your things, you were like yeah, my boobs are falling and this is falling and that you're working on trying to accept that.

Nikki Glaser (51:58)

Yeah.

Gwyneth Paltrow (51:58)

But at the same time fighting it. Right.

Nikki Glaser (52:01)

That's the paradox because that's like you have to give up at some point because I don't really want to be sexy when I'm in my 90s I think that's like, you can be, like, cool and, like, stunning and interesting and beautiful in a different definition of the word beautiful, but, like, sexually desirable. Like, that's just.

Gwyneth Paltrow (52:20)

You don't want.

Nikki Glaser (52:21)

You don't want to fetish. I mean, maybe some. I don't want to say that all women in their 90s don't want to have sex, but I would hope that.

Gwyneth Paltrow (52:27)

I don't want to. I hope they do. You do. I hope I do want to.

Nikki Glaser (52:30)

Maybe I do. Maybe it's just right now I'm like, I don't want to do it now, so why would I want to do it?

Gwyneth Paltrow (52:35)

Maybe you're tired.

Nikki Glaser (52:36)

I think I'm tired, Gwyneth. But I think that's the paradox that I'm struggling with is like, I want to love myself for as I am, but I also have to keep doing the things that will make me like myself more. I mean, like, that's the thing is like. And that's what I get mad about when people are like, love yourself. And yet then you see them doing.

Gwyneth Paltrow (52:57)

The things like women can't really.

Nikki Glaser (52:59)

You can love yourself at every part of the process. I think that's what I'm trying to learn. Like, I can still want to get a brow lift and be able to accept myself without one and.

Gwyneth Paltrow (53:09)

You don't need a brow lift.

Nikki Glaser (53:10)

Okay. Not yet, definitely. But, like, event. Someday. Someday in August. This upcoming.

Kelsey from Goop (53:15)

August.

Nikki Glaser (53:16)

August 22nd. Already booked.

Gwyneth Paltrow (53:19)

Yes.

Nikki Glaser (53:19)

No, you're perfect. No, don't worry, I'll deny it. Oh, my gosh. I'll just say I've been laughing a lot. Just things are really good in my life. I'll. I. You know, it's. That's. That's the thing that I'm exploring in standup that I love is like. And I'm sure you felt this or just witnessed it at least of. You know, if you have plastic surgery or any kind of procedure that is noticeable, it's like, how dare she? That's a bad example for our daughters. Like, you changed your face. Or God forbid, it goes wrong. And then people go, she ruined her face. I mean, we know. I say that line, you know, exactly the actresses I'm thinking of. And it's so cruel because it's like, they obviously, they didn't want you to say that about them. They're just. They were just trying to stay the way you liked them when they were famous because they felt like they put out to pasture. So they're trying to fix it. And now you're mad at Them for just maybe getting the wrong doctor or having, you know, things happen. And it's like, I feel like you get punished unless you do it so subtly that no one notices. And people just go, she's drinking more water, meditating. And so you have to kind of navigate it in this way. And that's why I'm kind of excited to start getting work done so I can be more vocal about it. Just so I can be like, yeah, I look different. Cause I'm rich now. And I go to this so and so doctor. Like, if you just look into it, I don't. Not everyone can afford it. That's why you can tell yourself you don't look like people on tv. You can't. It's not because you did something wrong. Because I think I grew up thinking, man, how come you failed? And that's why I like your whole thing. Because you make it accessible. There's an accessibility to it for every woman. And I feel like that's important. And that's why I'm excited. It's rare to find something in stand up comedy that hasn't been already the lid's been blown off of or like, we're getting honest about this thing. Like, women have had this kind of like, moment of like getting really honest, especially with, you know, social media. And now I'm like, looking for the next thing. Like, what's the next thing I can talk about? Honestly, that hasn't been talked about. What am I looking for more of? And that kind of inspires me.

Gwyneth Paltrow (55:31)

So just going back really quickly. So I think one of the things that's sort of destabilizing about watching you in the best way is this convergence of physical beauty and your, like, searing humor. Like when I watch the Tom Brady roast, part of it, like, you're so thrown off by how funny and how pretty you are. Right. Like, it's.

Nikki Glaser (55:55)

That's a fun juxtaposition to me though. Like, that comedy to me is like the unexpected. So I don't even factor that in. But I don't think it hurts me.

Gwyneth Paltrow (56:03)

No, I think it's very unique.

Nikki Glaser (56:05)

And you know, I always think back to my influence of like, someone was just asking me the other day about, you know, influences early on, and I always say Sarah Silverman, because it is truly the person that I first saw and was like, oh, I wanna. That's what I'll do. That's like an in. But really, I think about it, I'm like, oh, she was the first girl that was like, being like, kind of indecent, saying raunchy things, saying honest things, weird stuff. But you were also like, she's really cute. And like I kind of saw even my dad being like, she's a looker. Like, you know, you get kind of. And I'm like, oh, I want both. Like, I wanna be smart and I wanna be able to like hang with the guys and talk like the guys or you know, girls from my experience, but like, you know, culturally like guys. And then I wanna also be desirable in that way. So.

Gwyneth Paltrow (56:48)

And it's very new. I mean, it's.

Nikki Glaser (56:50)

It is new. Yeah, it's very new. Some people say you can't do it. And I agree. Like some people, I do get suspicious when there are people that have always been hot like from a young age and then they're like comedians. Cause I think you have to really like, like have a lot of self doubt and insecurity to be like a good comic or at least one I wanna listen to. So, you know, I remember early on, some girl kind of in the back of a comedy club and she was like, she was this girl that like bullied me when I first came on the scene. Cause I was like young and kind of cute and the guys were interested and you know, everyone was like, oh, she's the next thing. And this girl was like very threatened. And I understand it, like, there's so few women and a new one comes in, you're like, what's this? So she was in the back of the room and someone told me later on that she was like muttering like, the high school cheerleader shouldn't be doing standup comedy. And I agree with her. You don't wanna hear from the high school cheerleader about like, hmm, I feel gross or just kind of complaining about life that person doesn't have. I don't know how to say it, but you don't really want to hear comedy from them. And oftentimes they can't offer it, which is fine. But I wasn't that like I never, I might look like I was that now. And I'm flattered that anyone would think that. But that's just. I always felt less than growing up. And I still have that in me. Like, it's like, you know, you never lose what you started out as, right?

Gwyneth Paltrow (58:14)

I goop her into wellness shit, right? And we sort of have this idea of like beauty as wellness. Like it's a multi pronged approach. It's like internal external beauty. And that how you care for yourself is like actually as important as what you're doing to your face or the creams you're putting on or whatever. So as somebody who is so beautiful inside and out, can you talk us through a little bit? Like what is your. You mentioned Pilates, like what do you. Do you have any self care or wellness rituals?

Nikki Glaser (58:48)

Yeah, yeah, I do. Lagree. Like so do I. Yes, I. So hard. It's so hard. I like it. For the first time in my life I can really say I do it to be strong and to look good and all the things that happens. But I love doing something every day that like at some point in the class I'm like, I hate this.

Gwyneth Paltrow (59:07)

Yeah, me too.

Nikki Glaser (59:07)

And just doing one thing a day, even for 20 seconds that you're like in agony holding a plank for a minute. Because once you get done with it, you're like, everything else seems like easy to do for the rest of the day. So I like to do that as you know, every day that I can, I try to go. So it ends up being like three times a week or whatever. On a good week. This week it was one. And then I find, I mean it's a trend on Instagram, but when you can't fit in like a hard workout, being gentle with workouts, that is new to me. It was always about like you have to run 7 mph and a 3 incline and for 30 minutes and if you don't, then something bad will happen to your family. Like OCD stuff, right? So now I just do 30 minutes on a treadmill with a like a 12 incline, 3 miles per hour. Like it works. It's. And then you get an emails done. It's not in a way that you're like. And even take it down to a 2.5 if you are gasping and like and mess with the incline, but a strong incline without a lot of like not running as much anymore. I was running right? And then meditating when I can. And that even means for like literally 30 seconds if. If you can fit it in of just like paying attention to your breath for just a short amount of time to ground journaling, writing from the perspective of like God to you. Like if you're just wondering what to write or just free writing where it's like illegible, like I don't even know what I'm doing for three pages. Like fill up three pages of like whatever hotel notepad or whatever piece of paper you can find around and not having it have to look pretty. Like not having like a perfect journal, like it can just be a mess and Then throw it away afterwards. And then my thing that is like the best thing in my life is my girls chat. It's like my WhatsApp that I have 24, seven, like nine girls that are like my best friends since high school, my best friends from college, and my best friends that I've met through comedy all together. Like, I've been the nucleus to kind of plan girls trips and have them all meet each other. So now we're all best friends. And it's like any time of day just getting on there and leaving a voice memo and just letting it all out. But, like, I really learned that kind of, of just being able to share and not necessarily needing feedback, just having people listen. Cause a lot of times my friends are like, sorry, I have something to share, but I can't give feedback. I'm like, it's not about that. Just get on and share. Like, I'm not looking for you to be like, Nikki, that sounds interesting. Like, I'm just trying to barf it out. And I really learned that from like 12 step programs like that I've been in here and there. So if someone's out there, like, well, I don't have a group of nine girlfriends that I have. Like, you qualify for some 12 step program. Look into them. They're all over the place. And they are just places you go and you share honestly. And no one's going to comment on it. No one knows your name. You can be on Zoom in a black box. Like, I think people need to. I'm not saying it's going to cure whatever, but it's like, we need to talk more to each other. And I found that during COVID I reached out to 12 step stuff to handle a, a, a part of my life that was getting unmanageable. And there literally is one for everyone. If you think like, well, I'm not addicted to anything, just look into it. You're gonna qualify for one because it's. Well, you can't. You're too famous. No, I'm just kidding. But no, you can do a fake name and wear a mustache, but it's just like, it's so those rooms for the people that have been, you know, lucky enough to get entrance into them, which anyone can really go. You just hear, like, such honesty that you don't hear anywhere else. And like, it's taught me how to be even more honest in my standup. And it's just safe. It's a safe space. So I think that's what's most important, is just Being able to talk to someone. And therapy. Going to therapy and couples therapy. Obsessed.

Gwyneth Paltrow (62:46)

So important.

Nikki Glaser (62:47)

Like, my boyfriend was so reluctant to do it, and we've been together off and on for 13 years. Just started doing it in the past couple years. And he's obsessed with it. I'm obsessed with it.

Gwyneth Paltrow (62:57)

That's so cool.

Nikki Glaser (62:58)

It's just. I can't recommend it enough. And it's like, you just find anyone and if you don't like the therapist, keep trying. It's like dating. Don't give up. So, yeah, those are mine.

Gwyneth Paltrow (63:08)

Amazing. Yeah, that's like a pretty good roster there.

Nikki Glaser (63:11)

That's pretty good. Yeah. I'm happy. I would like to meditate more, though. That's always the one.

Gwyneth Paltrow (63:15)

Okay. There's a little wellness lightning round.

Nikki Glaser (63:18)

Great.

Gwyneth Paltrow (63:20)

Would you try this or not?

Nikki Glaser (63:21)

Okay.

Gwyneth Paltrow (63:22)

A bee venom facial.

Nikki Glaser (63:24)

No, because I'm vegan.

Gwyneth Paltrow (63:25)

Agree. I'm not vegan.

Nikki Glaser (63:27)

But, like, I don't want bees to have to, like, have any part in my beauty. Like, so this is. They're suffering enough.

Gwyneth Paltrow (63:33)

True. And they. Yeah, yeah. I think I know the answer to this one.

Kelsey from Goop (63:37)

Okay.

Gwyneth Paltrow (63:37)

Leech detox therapy.

Nikki Glaser (63:39)

Well, maybe they like it, though, because they're getting blood.

Gwyneth Paltrow (63:43)

They don't die.

Nikki Glaser (63:43)

I'd have to, like, look at how they're cared for. And if they. They actually, like. Like, sometimes the pedicures where the fish eat your skin, they're like. They like it. It's like they don't. When you go. They're eating. It's like. No, they're starved so that they really. They'll just eat your dead skin, which isn't a part of their diet. So don't go to those places ever. Ever. Because I was always like, well, it's not harming them. They seem to, like, be like, like, eating my cows.

Gwyneth Paltrow (64:04)

It's so weird. Anyway, I don't really want to do that.

Nikki Glaser (64:06)

So gross. Anyway, but they starve them so that they do that. So leeches. I'd have to look into the ethics behind it, but, yeah, I'd be down if it. If they like it, I do it for them.

Gwyneth Paltrow (64:18)

Fire cupping massage.

Nikki Glaser (64:19)

Yeah. Who wouldn't do that?

Gwyneth Paltrow (64:21)

I agree.

Nikki Glaser (64:22)

I don't know what that is, but.

Gwyneth Paltrow (64:23)

Sure, it's like cupping. But they. They heat up the cups with fire and they put them on your back.

Nikki Glaser (64:27)

Yeah.

Gwyneth Paltrow (64:27)

Yeah, it feels good. I've got.

Nikki Glaser (64:29)

Give me those burns. Yeah, I'll take that.

Gwyneth Paltrow (64:31)

Moon bathing.

Nikki Glaser (64:33)

What is that? Just boot bathing.

Gwyneth Paltrow (64:34)

So you lie out, I guess, ideally on the grass, and you absorb lunar energy and recharge Yeah.

Nikki Glaser (64:41)

I mean, I. Am I buying in? Probably not. Is it seem like something that I could probably use to be forced to do that short? Yeah. To, like, slow down.

Gwyneth Paltrow (64:50)

So.

Nikki Glaser (64:50)

Yeah, but no.

Gwyneth Paltrow (64:51)

Yeah, but no.

Nikki Glaser (64:52)

I'd be rolling my eyes the whole time and laughing about it.

Gwyneth Paltrow (64:54)

But okay.

Nikki Glaser (64:55)

Yeah.

Gwyneth Paltrow (64:56)

Vampire breast lift. Unlike the vampire facial, you put it in your breasts and it gives them a natural lift.

Nikki Glaser (65:04)

I've done the vampire facial, the PRP on my scalp as well, where they, like, run your blood in the machine and put it back in.

Gwyneth Paltrow (65:10)

I try that in anything.

Nikki Glaser (65:11)

I don't want to have to have someone, like, slather my boobs and it will feel sexual even though it's not. I just. I don't. I don't think. I don't really care about my boob skin right now.

Gwyneth Paltrow (65:19)

Okay, I agree. Would you try the Tom Brady diet of no coffee, no dairy, no nightshades, no grains, no, like, sugar?

Nikki Glaser (65:30)

Yeah, I could probably do it for, like, 15 minutes. No, I can't do no coffee. I wish I could. I would like to maybe go to somewhere that forced me to do it, but no, no, no. Thank you to that.

Gwyneth Paltrow (65:42)

Thank you so much for coming on the Goop podcast.

Nikki Glaser (65:45)

You're better than I could have even anticipated. I'm a huge fan. Thank you so much for being you and everything you've given us over the many years that you don't look like you've aged.

Gwyneth Paltrow (65:54)

You're so sweet.

Nikki Glaser (65:55)

Thank you.

Gwyneth Paltrow (66:01)

Thanks for tuning in. This has been a presentation of Cadence 13 Studios. I hope you'll listen, follow rate, and review all of our episodes, which are available for free on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Odyssey, or wherever you get your podcasts.