The Goop Podcast: "Why We're Not Having Sex—And What We Can Do About It"

Episode Information:

• Title: Why We're Not Having Sex—And What We Can Do About It
• Host: Gwyneth Paltrow
• Guests: Vanessa Marin (Licensed Sex Therapist) and Xander Marin (Vanessa’s Husband)
• Release Date: February 25, 2025

Introduction

In this compelling episode of The Goop Podcast, Gwyneth Paltrow engages in a candid conversation with Vanessa Marin, a seasoned sex therapist, and her husband, Xander Marin. The trio delves deep into the challenges couples face regarding intimacy and explores actionable solutions to rekindle desire and connection in long-term relationships.

Understanding the Decline in Sexual Activity

Key Discussion Points:

• Common Challenges in Long-Term Relationships:
  • Desire, Intimacy, and Connection: Vanessa and Xander identify these as universal themes that influence sexual activity in relationships.
  • Five Major Reasons Couples Stop Having Sex: The Marshals outline the top factors contributing to decreased intimacy, emphasizing that many of these issues are often unspoken.

Notable Quotes:

• Gwyneth Paltrow [00:58]: “Sex can be one of the biggest sources of frustration in relationships, yet it is often left unspoken.”
• Vanessa Marin [03:40]: “Sex is not just a physical act. It is one of the most intimate ways that we can connect with our partner.”

The Impact of Societal Roles and Personal Identity

Key Discussion Points:

• Gender Roles and Sexual Dynamics:
  • Vanessa and Xander discuss how non-traditional gender roles within their relationship still inadvertently lead to traditional dynamics, affecting their sex life.
  • Masculinity and Provision: Xander shares his personal struggle with his traditional role as a provider when he took time off work, leading to stress that negatively impacted their intimacy.

Notable Quotes:

• Gwyneth Paltrow [07:25]: “Do you think that now that we're living in a culture and a society where women are more and more the breadwinners... does that have an impact on sex in long-term couples?”
• Xander Marin [09:20]: “...the way men are socialized to be providers and leaders in the bedroom ties their virility to their economic success.”

The Role of Communication in Rekindling Intimacy

Key Discussion Points:

• Overcoming the Stigma of Discussing Sex:
  • Vanessa and Xander emphasize the importance of building a foundation of open, positive communication about sex to prevent it from feeling like a clinical or overwhelming topic.
  • Starting Conversations: They suggest initiating discussions by reminiscing about positive sexual experiences to create a comfortable environment for dialogue.

Notable Quotes:

• Vanessa Marin [29:31]: “One of the big mistakes that most people make is they wait because they don't want to talk about sex.”
• Gwyneth Paltrow [21:02]: “Do you guys have tips for how to approach those conversations?”

Practical Strategies for Enhancing Sexual Intimacy

Key Discussion Points:

• Intentional Intimacy vs. Scheduled Sex:
  • The couple advocates for “intentional intimacy” instead of rigidly scheduling sex, framing it as a positive, deliberate effort to connect.
• Transition Rituals:
  • Implementing small rituals, such as a 30-second hug or a six-second kiss, to shift from daily stressors to a more relaxed, intimate state.
• Understanding Sex Drives:
  • Differentiating between spontaneous (mental desire first) and responsive (physical arousal first) sex drives to tailor approaches that suit both partners.

Notable Quotes:

• Vanessa Marin [39:22]: “I hate the phrase scheduling sex, but I instead like to use the phrase intentional intimacy.”
• Xander Marin [46:53]: “Are you open to getting turned on? Is really speaking to a responsive type.”

Navigating Challenges and Rebuilding Trust

Key Discussion Points:

• Dealing with Life’s Curveballs:
  • Acknowledging external stressors like grief, infidelity, or major life changes that can disrupt sexual intimacy.
  • Rebuilding After Infidelity: Vanessa recommends seeking professional therapy to navigate the complex emotions and rebuild trust.
• Normalizing Imperfection:
  • Emphasizing that not every sexual encounter needs to be perfect, and it’s okay to have “flops” without judgment.

Notable Quotes:

• Vanessa Marin [57:39]: “A lot of people just don't make that connection in their heads, and they feel like something's wrong with them for not having that intimacy all the time.”
• Vanessa Marin [60:48]: “We have five pillars of intimacy: communication, connection, emotional connection, desire, pleasure, and exploration.”

Cultivating Desire Through Pleasure and Exploration

Key Discussion Points:

• Shift from Desire to Pleasure:
  • Vanessa argues that focusing on the pleasure of the experience rather than the pressure of desire can naturally foster intimacy.
  • Exploration and Playfulness: Encouraging couples to explore new experiences and maintain a playful attitude to keep their sexual connection vibrant.

Notable Quotes:

• Vanessa Marin [48:10]: “Desire is actually highly overrated. We put so much pressure on desire... but what needs to matter so much more is pleasure.”
• Xander Marin [55:37]: “I love that feeling of connection, of feeling kind of like we're unstoppable together.”

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Gwyneth wraps up the episode by appreciating Vanessa and Xander for their insightful contributions. The key takeaway emphasizes the importance of open communication, intentional practices, and a shift in focus from the pressure of desire to the joy of shared pleasure. Listeners are encouraged to engage in honest conversations with their partners, adopt transition rituals, and explore new facets of their sexual relationship to rekindle intimacy.

Notable Quotes:

• Gwyneth Paltrow [64:46]: “This conversation serves as a reminder to start the conversation, take some pressure off, and bring a little more curiosity and playfulness into your relationship.”

Additional Resources

For those seeking further guidance, Vanessa and Xander Marin recommend:

• Instagram: @vanessaandxander (Xander with an "X")
• Website: vanessaandxander.com
  • Offerings: Guides, courses, and the Ultimate Sex Guide to help couples explore and enhance their sexual connection in a playful and non-clinical manner.

Final Thoughts: This episode serves as an essential guide for couples navigating the complexities of maintaining a fulfilling sex life. By addressing societal pressures, personal insecurities, and communication barriers, Vanessa and Xander provide actionable strategies to foster deeper intimacy and rekindle the spark in long-term relationships.