Podcast Summary: The Gray Area with Sean Illing

Episode: “You’re not awkward — the world is.”

Guest: Alexandra Plakias, philosopher and author of Awkwardness: A Theory
Release Date: November 17, 2025

Episode Overview

In this engaging episode, host Sean Illing sits down with Alexandra Plakias to challenge our most common assumptions about awkwardness. Plakias draws on her philosophical background to argue that awkwardness is not an individual failing but a social phenomenon resulting from broken or ambiguous social scripts. The conversation explores why awkward situations occur, how they’re shaped by culture and power dynamics, and what we might gain by changing our relationship to awkwardness, especially during gatherings and uncertain social moments.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

What is Awkwardness? A Shift in Perspective

• Plakias’ Thesis: Awkwardness is not a personality defect or a personal problem but arises when social scripts are absent, unclear, or insufficient.

  • “I don’t think awkwardness is a personal trait… I don’t think people are awkward. I think situations are awkward.”
    — Alexandra Plakias (05:26)

• Contrast with Embarrassment/Shame: Awkwardness has often been seen as embarrassment or shame, but Plakias emphasizes a crucial distinction:
  • Embarrassment and shame are primarily individual feelings.
  • Awkwardness points to social misalignment or uncertainty in roles/scripts.

Social Scripts, Uncertainty, and Disorientation

• Definition: Awkwardness is situational, surfacing when we lack established norms to guide us.

  • “On my view, awkwardness is something that happens in a situation when we lack the social resources we need to guide us through it.”
    — Alexandra Plakias (05:26)

• Uncertainty as a Source: The “panic” people feel often comes from not knowing the script or fearing one will breach it.

  • “One of the things awkwardness can highlight for us is first how reliant we are on everyday social cues…”
    — Plakias (12:07)

  • “It is like the floor is pulled out from under us...”
    — Plakias (12:07)

• Awkwardness as Disorientation: Awkwardness is akin to being lost in the “map” of social expectations.

  • “The essence of awkwardness is really just being lost in a situation.”
    — Sean Illing (13:52)

Sensitivity, Empathy, and Individual Differences

• Some people are more sensitive to ambiguity or more attuned to social scripts due to empathy or social anxiety.

  • “Part of the reason we feel awkward is because we care about being attuned to other people.”
    — Plakias (16:21)

• Those who rarely feel awkward may either have exceptional social confidence or lack social attunement (“sociopaths,” jokes Plakias).

The Digital Age and “Awkward Times”

• Despite technological change, stories about living in “awkward times” date back over a century. Social script confusion is a perennial, not new, phenomenon.
  — (19:16)

Everyday Awkwardness: Examples & “Cringe”

• Common awkward moments:
  • Clogging a guest’s toilet, misfired group chats, saying goodbye at parties, silence, and small talk.
• “Cringe” vs. Awkwardness:
  • Cringe is retrospective; awkwardness is in-the-moment social disorientation.

    • “Cringing comes when we look back on moments of awkwardness or moments of shame or embarrassment… but it’s different from the awkwardness itself.”
      — Plakias (14:51)

Small Talk, Flow, and Performance

• Small talk often avoids awkwardness by clinging to safe scripts (weather, sports), but when it fails, it becomes either awkward or boring.

  • “The role of small talk is not to actually exchange a lot of meaningful information. It’s just to do a quick social check in…”
    — Plakias (30:57)

• Social interaction is a form of performance, but not insincere—more like a dance dependent on cues from all parties.

  • “It’s not to say it’s insincere or phony… we are executing a kind of performance.”
    — Plakias (33:53)

Power, Gender, and Responsibility for Awkwardness

• Awkwardness is shaped by power: those with more power can break scripts with impunity; those with less bear the burden of making things comfortable.

  • “Women often feel responsible for other people’s emotional comfort…”
    — Plakias (45:26)

  • “Awkwardness [can be used] as a social flex that’s available to some people and not others.”
    — Plakias (48:28)

• Making norms explicit can help those without insider knowledge (students, marginalized individuals) navigate spaces.

Strategic Use of Awkwardness

• Sometimes awkwardness can be used deliberately to highlight problems or challenge inappropriate behavior.
  • Example: allowing silence to fall after a sexist joke, thus making disapproval clear without confrontation. (50:10)

How to Cope with Awkwardness

• Plakias’ Advice:
  • Shift focus from blaming self to understanding the social scripts at play.
  • Articulate goals for tricky interactions (e.g., at holiday dinners).
  • Admit uncertainty and ask for guidance (“What’s the plan for this party?”).
  • If hosting or in power, make the implicit rules explicit for others.
  • Accept that awkwardness is sometimes preferable to outright anger or offense; hesitation and uncertainty can serve as a buffer.

  • “It’s easy to focus on how unpleasant awkwardness is, but sometimes the alternatives might be worse… an awkward conversation or a really angry conversation.”
    — Plakias (52:43)

Changing Scripts and the Value of Awkwardness

• Social scripts need to adapt; explicit negotiation about changing norms is healthy, not dangerous.
  • Example: Navigating new family structures or relationships at holiday gatherings.

  • “The world will not end if we explicitly acknowledge that some of these norms are things we have control over. We can negotiate.”
    — Plakias (54:25)

Improv as a Solution? Being Present with Uncertainty

• Improv training may help, but genuine advice is to get comfortable with uncertainty and attune to others in the moment, rather than eliminating awkwardness.

  • “Being okay with other people’s discomfort and your own discomfort is a kind of superpower.”
    — Plakias (56:14)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On the Nature of Awkwardness

• “Awkwardness is not a personal failing. Awkwardness is not a you problem. It’s an us problem.” — Alexandra Plakias (57:40)

On Fear and Missed Connection

• “There’s a lot of opportunities for human connection and comfort that are lost [due to fear of awkwardness].”
  — Plakias (38:09)

On Performing Social Roles

• “So much of social life really is a performance. Which isn’t to say that everything we do with other people is phony, but it is a kind of dance, isn’t it?”
  — Sean Illing (33:24)

On Strategic Awkwardness

• “Sometimes we can use awkwardness to draw attention to an interaction that we find problematic… That awkwardness really draws attention to the joke not landing.”
  — Plakias (50:10)

On Accepting Ambiguity

• “I don’t think it’s about getting rid of that uncertainty. It’s about changing our relationship to it. It’s about being comfortable with it, not trying to expunge it.”
  — Sean Illing (55:25)

Important Timestamps

• Defining awkwardness as situational, not personal — 05:26
• Awkwardness vs. cringe — 14:51
• Social scripts, anxiety, and fear of uncertainty — 12:07, 13:52
• Examples of awkward situations — 20:21
• Power and gender in awkwardness — 45:26, 48:28
• Strategic use of awkwardness — 50:10
• Advice for handling awkwardness — 50:53, 52:43
• Most important lesson: It’s not you—it’s us — 57:40

Takeaways

• Awkwardness is a social, not individual phenomenon—an “us problem.”
• Our fear of awkwardness may prevent us from making meaningful connections or addressing deeper societal issues.
• By making social scripts explicit, being attuned to power dynamics, and accepting uncertainty, we can reduce unnecessary awkwardness and create space for necessary growth.
• The more we understand awkwardness as a sign of social flux or opportunity, the less personally we’ll take these moments—and the more compassionate we can be toward ourselves and others.

Recommended Reading:
Awkwardness: A Theory by Alexandra Plakias

Contact:
Send feedback to the show at thegrayarea@vox.com or leave a voicemail at 1-800-214-5749.

This summary was prepared to provide an engaging, comprehensive recap of the episode for listeners and non-listeners alike. For the full experience, listen to the conversation wherever you get your podcasts.