The Grounded Union Podcast
Episode: “Confronting My Husband’s P*rn Use…”
Date: January 23, 2026
Hosts: Brandon & Caitlyn Doerksen
Guests: Nathan & Danielle

Episode Overview

In this powerful and deeply vulnerable episode, Brandon and Caitlyn speak with Nathan and Danielle—a married couple grappling with the fallout of Nathan’s recently revealed pornography use and related betrayals, after 12 years together. Their conversation enters the raw, unvarnished realities of trust, honesty, and healing within a marriage rocked by secrets. Drawing both on their own journey and the guests’ fresh experiences, the hosts guide the couple (and listeners) through the emotional terrain of disclosure, processing pain, and beginning a path toward true transformation, not just for their relationship, but for personal wholeness.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Sudden Unveiling (00:36–03:08)

• Discovery through a Dream: Danielle recounts having a vivid dream of Nathan watching porn, waking to confront him, leading to his first admission:
  • "I texted him and I said, wow, like, dream Nathan is such a jerk. I caught him watching porn and he started to yell at me about it." —Danielle [00:01]; [02:03]
• Longstanding Secrets: It’s revealed Nathan has concealed his behaviors for their entire relationship despite boundaries openly talked about from the start.
• Impact of Delayed Knowledge: Danielle grapples with the intensity of facing all this after 12 years, having “just learned it all now.”
• Reframing Betrayal: The sense of trust and Danielle’s very perception of who Nathan is are shaken to the core.

2. Root Causes and Patterns (03:08–08:25)

• Other Betrayals and Family Loss: Nathan opened up about receiving inappropriate texts from women, hiding their real content, and being emotionally and physically distant after his father’s terminal illness and subsequent death.
  • "All the while I was still watching porn and spending all my energy not at home and elsewhere." —Nathan [03:38]
• Therapy Interrupted: Their attempt to start therapy was derailed by Nathan's father's abrupt decline.
• Patterns of Dissociation: Nathan admits to using porn and other coping mechanisms (“disassociating”) to avoid pain, particularly after emotionally triggering events or during their “trial separation.”
• Danielle’s Perspective Shift: Danielle shares, "I just believed everything he said. I feel it's, like, changed me to my core." [08:07]

3. Emotional Fallout and Processing Pain (08:25–19:15)

• Conflict vs. Root Issues: The hosts draw analogies about unhealthy relationships resembling trying to chop weeds off at the top, while real change only happens by pulling them out by the root—the secret underneath must be fully unearthed for healing.
  • "You gave a couple examples...It's called minimizing to make that look lesser than maybe what it actually was." —Brandon [12:15]
• Trauma’s Role: Nathan’s father passing acts as a marker in his life, prompting existential reflection and potentially opening the door for deeper honesty and transformation.
• Host Guidance: The hosts emphasize the importance of radical honesty—not just about observable addictive behaviors but the emotional wounds and reasons beneath.

4. The Work of Embodiment and Feeling (14:33–19:15)

• Embodiment as Healing: Brandon shares how he too was “locked up and shut down” until body-based practices (breathwork, cold exposure, movement) helped him reconnect with emotion.
  • "Just being in your body is the only way that you're going to start seeing this yourself." —Brandon [15:20]
• Nathan’s Attempts: Nathan speaks about trying these practices and the internal shift it’s beginning to create.
  • "I stood up and told myself in the mirror that I am a good father. And I am moving forward." —Nathan [17:12]
• Vision for Change: The hosts encourage Nathan to articulate his “2.0 self”—a vision of a stronger, more present, and assertive man for his family.

5. Tracing Origins: Childhood Wounding and Numbing (19:15–29:22)

• Family Dynamics & Early Disconnection: Nathan identifies himself as the “black sheep,” beginning to disassociate in preteen years, using weed and other means to numb feelings of being unwanted or weak.
  • "I didn't have to think about my family being disappointed in me or not being a... yeah. Not having to worry about disappointing people because I couldn't feel it." —Nathan [21:22]
• Bullying and Powerlessness: He recalls ongoing bullying, feelings of weakness, and family conflict that shaped his self-perception.
• Physical Place and Triggers: Living in his childhood home, where some traumatic memories occurred, is discussed as a potential stressor.
• Link to Addiction: The hosts note how porn, substance use, and even behaviors in his band life operated as “counterfeits” of genuine strength and connection.

6. Rewiring Coping Mechanisms and Creating the New Self (29:22–43:09)

• Building Authentic Strength: The conversation turns to how true strength involves emotional embodiment and clear intention, not dominance or dissociation.
• Practical Steps: Dopamine Detox and New Habits
  • Dopamine Detox: The hosts explain that abstinence from porn, substances, and even entertainment will initially feel excruciating, but “the real you will surface.”
    • "Your experience of life will get so much sweeter, so much clearer. The Canada Grays will go away and you'll be, you'll be lighting candles and playing a card game before bed and you'll be laughing together and you'll feel alive for the food." —Brandon [35:59]
  • Replacing Numbing with Nature & Creativity: Instead of old numbing agents, they urge connecting with nature, movement, and music.
• The Spouse’s Pain: Danielle describes the overwhelming pain and distrust, likening it to “a waterfall that's nonstop pouring...I can't breathe.” [36:10]
• The Hosts’ Radical Invitation: Rather than seeking temporary escapes (including wellness retreats), pursue healing “within daily life, not escape.”
  • "There’s a way to live a wellness retreat within your soul and with your day-to-day life that you don’t have to escape from." —Caitlyn [36:54]

7. Full Disclosure: The Only Way to Freedom (46:56–52:58)

• No Partial Confessions: The hosts insist that freedom only comes through complete disclosure—not general admissions but radical specificity. Partial truths ensure the addiction retains power.
  • "What I know to be true is that the way to authentic trust, intimacy and freedom is through sharing in everything. And the first thought is always, 'well, I don't know everything.' And I guarantee you do know everything." —Brandon [47:10]
• Somatic Practices to Facilitate Honesty: If “I don’t know” comes up, take time, use breathwork/cold exposure, and then return to the conversation—valuing clarity over comfort.
• Decommissioning the Addiction’s Power: Each truth spoken “unplugs” a cord from the addiction’s power source. Eventually, the repeated temptations lose energy as everything comes into the light.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Danielle’s Dream Confession:
  “Wow, like, dream Nathan is such a jerk. I caught him watching porn and he started to yell at me about it.” —Danielle [00:01]; [02:03]
• On Delayed Trust-Shattering:
  “It just really changed who I see Nathan as a person...there was so much lies and manipulation over the years.” —Danielle [00:50]
• Nathan on Dissociation:
  “I used porn as a tool to disassociate. Absolutely.” —Nathan [07:09]
• Brandon’s Analogy:
  “Let’s look underneath...let’s get your hands into the foundation, into the earth, and grab that weed up by the root. That’s the only way you never get that weed to grow back.” —Brandon [09:30]
• Nathan envisioning Nate 2.0:
  “He goes out of his way to care for his wife and kids...he's thoughtful. He wants to spend time with his kids. He wants to be a part of his family.” —Nathan [18:59]
• On Shame and Disclosure:
  “Every time I watch porn, when I'm done, I just have this overwhelming sense of just shame... I don't feel any better.” —Nathan [33:30]
• Danielle’s Pain:
  “It feels like there's a waterfall that's non stop pouring and I can't breathe because he's telling me these things and promising so much.” —Danielle [36:10]
• Invitation to Real Healing:
  “What if you took that pain...Nature actually provides you the experience of getting a dopamine hit through the authentic ways we were meant to...” —Brandon [38:40]
• Brandon on Full Truth:
  “That is the strongest posture of healing, is being able to look at your past and say, I did each of those things because I was pursuing a feeling. I found out it didn't work. I have had a moment of clarity.” —Brandon [40:47]
• On Owning Healing:
  “You can go do 10 minutes embodiment. Go journal... I want to see clearly, because this matters to me.” —Brandon [51:38]

Important Timestamps

• 00:36–03:08: Danielle’s discovery, Nathan’s admission, foundation of the conflict.
• 03:08–08:25: Patterns of behavior, betrayal, and the effect of loss and therapy.
• 14:33–19:15: Discussion of dissociation and the necessity of embodiment.
• 19:15–24:22: Exploring Nathan’s past, family of origin, and the roots of dissociation.
• 29:22–36:10: Dopamine detox, practical shifts in daily habits & substance use.
• 36:10–41:36: Danielle’s emotional state, the necessity of radical change.
• 46:56–52:58: The requirement and process of full disclosure for healing.
• 52:58–End: Closing encouragement, the path forward.

Style & Tone

The episode is marked by profound candor, emotional intelligence, and steadfast encouragement. Brandon and Caitlyn’s tone is direct but deeply compassionate, guiding Nathan and Danielle through painful truths, acknowledging the devastation, and illuminating the difficult, hope-filled road toward real healing. Their language is often metaphorical but always practical, making complex concepts of trauma, addiction, and relational repair digestible and actionable for listeners.