The Grounded Union Podcast
Hosts: Brandon and Caitlyn Doerksen
Episode: How We Handle Conflict
Date: September 26, 2025
Episode Overview
In this candid and deeply personal episode, Brandon and Caitlyn Doerksen break down their unique approach to handling conflict within marriage, focusing particularly on how unresolved pain drives disconnection and strife. Drawing from their own marriage's near-collapse and eventual healing, they challenge conventional advice and share practical, empathy-based tools for real transformation—especially for couples wrestling with wounds such as betrayal or broken trust.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Two Types of Conflict Origins
[00:28-01:30]
- Everyday Conflict: Minor arguments typically seen by couples (e.g., disagreements about dinner).
- Pain-Rooted Conflict: Deeper issues arising from betrayal, broken trust, or long-term disconnection.
- Insight: Many couples mistake surface arguments for the real problem, but unresolved pain is often the root.
"If something isn't doing well above the ground, we take a look at the roots. We take a look at how is the soil, how are the roots underneath, what's going on underneath?"
— Caitlyn [02:22]
2. Conventional Conflict Advice Falls Short
[01:30-03:34]
- Experiences with counseling often focus on "fighting fair" or "healthy arguing," but deeper disconnection is seldom addressed.
- Communication tools alone can't fix fundamental pain or restore intimacy if deeper issues aren't healed.
3. Addressing Triggers and the Root of Pain
[03:34-07:47]
- Chronic conflict means every interaction triggers pain; underlying wounds must be acknowledged and processed, not merely managed.
- Brandon shares his evolution from avoiding Caitlyn's pain to confronting, validating, and sitting with it.
- Notable Approach: Stop perceiving a partner's pain as a threat; instead, see it as an invitation to heal together.
"When I stopped perceiving Caitlyn's pain as a threat to my well-being, as an emotional threat ... I can face you fully in your pain, and that's when the repair happens."
— Brandon [06:28]
4. Why Their Advice Focuses More on Men
[07:47-10:08]
- The podcast shares from their authentic story, which involves Brandon's betrayals; they reject calls to “balance” their perspective just for comfort.
- Emphasize honesty and lived experience rather than generic, one-size-fits-all advice.
- Both partners can cause or hide pain—not just men.
"We're not recommending or suggesting or teaching anything that is not true and complete to our story."
— Caitlyn [08:30]
5. Blame Cycles and Defensive Behavior
[09:45-12:22]
- In the face of confrontation, the betraying partner may deflect, minimize, or blame the hurt spouse to avoid responsibility.
- Real healing begins when the responsible partner stops defending and starts taking authentic ownership.
6. The Role of Raw Emotion
[12:22-16:02]
- Sharing pain can become cyclical if not met with empathy and presence.
- Name-calling or intense outbursts are often trauma responses, not simply "bad behavior."
- The hosts differentiate between abusive patterns and genuine, pain-born reactions that require healing, not suppression.
"We're not pro any type of abuse. We're pro healing."
— Brandon [14:01]
7. Healing Requires Empathy, Not Explanations
[16:02-21:05]
- The partner who's caused harm must adopt a posture of genuine curiosity and empathy.
- Avoid explaining, justifying, or correcting the hurt partner in the moment; offer presence and validation instead.
- Use body language: lean in, make eye contact, show safety.
"Instead of correcting facts, listen for the emotion. She's sharing. Where are the pain points? ... Where is the pain for her?"
— Brandon [22:22]
8. The Comfort Flow Tool
[26:42-38:26]
- "Comfort Flow": Their structured method for moving through pain:
- Listen: No interruptions, no correcting.
- Reflect: Summarize what you heard, emphasizing emotion.
- Invite More: "Tell me more." "Did I miss anything?"
- This structure helps transform conflict into connection.
- Key Tip: Empathy must be felt—robotic apologies ("I'm sorry") do not heal; real engagement does.
"You cannot fake this Comfort Flow. You cannot fake this way of validating. You can't fake it."
— Caitlyn [30:19]
9. The Power of Validation Over Forgiveness Timetables
[33:52-35:37]
- The goal isn't to get the hurt partner to "forgive and move on;" true healing is lifelong, layered, and must be revisited with care.
- Presence, not pressure, is what fosters repair.
10. Real-Life Example: Applying Comfort Flow After Betrayal
[36:36-40:25]
- They role-play how the Comfort Flow works right after a major betrayal, illustrating the contrast between defensive and validating responses.
- Provide language for how to mirror emotions without justifying, defending, or explaining oneself.
11. Conflict Resolution on the Other Side of Healing
[40:25-42:15]
- Once deep pain is processed, everyday conflict becomes manageable, brief, and rooted in mutual understanding rather than hidden wounds.
"Our disagreements can take minutes to move through ... We're on the same team. We're connected. Our foundation is already laid."
— Caitlyn [41:34]
12. Final Summary & Core Message
[42:15—end]
- Root conflict is always tied to underlying pain and disconnection, not surface-level issues.
- True partnership comes from facing pain, validating each other's experiences, and building new foundations in honesty and empathy.
"Once you face the roots, you have a lot to enjoy. You recognize you're on the same team. ... Use the Comfort Flow to reflect and validate your wife's pain. ... Your pain, although it's real and raw, I will not back away from it."
— Brandon [42:21]
Memorable Quotes
-
"We're sharing our story because we want it to impact and touch and reach those that it connects with, those that resonate with our story."
— Caitlyn [08:15] -
"If your wife is hurt from something you did and she's still bringing it to your attention ... that's a gift."
— Brandon [06:58] -
"All I could hear was the sirens going off in my head—mayday, mayday, she's in pain."
— Brandon [05:45] -
"You cannot fake this Comfort Flow."
— Caitlyn [30:19]
Timestamps for Major Concepts
- [00:28] – Defining sources of conflict
- [01:30] – Shortcomings of typical marriage advice
- [03:34] – Triggers and the need for getting to the root
- [06:28] – Validation and perceiving pain as a gift
- [08:15] – Why they speak so pointedly from their own story
- [12:22] – Breaking cycles of blame and avoidance
- [14:01] – Naming pain, not abusing
- [16:02] – Posture of empathy versus justification
- [22:22] – Listening for emotion, not facts
- [26:42] – Comfort Flow tool explained
- [30:19] – The importance of authentic empathy
- [36:36] – Example application of Comfort Flow after betrayal
- [41:34] – On-the-other-side conflict: quick and connective
- [42:21] – Closing thoughts on healing, pain, and teamwork
Key Takeaways
- Conflict is almost always a symptom of deeper pain or disconnection.
- Surface-level strategies (fight fair, communicate better) won’t work if you aren’t addressing root wounds in the marriage.
- Real transformation begins by humbly sitting with your spouse’s pain, validating and empathizing instead of explaining or defending.
- Their “Comfort Flow” provides a practical structure to navigate hard conversations, but it only works if both partners are genuinely engaged.
- True connection and peace are built over time, as old pain is brought to light, honored, and worked through together.
For more resources, tools, and support in healing and reconnecting, visit the links provided in the show notes or find the video podcast on YouTube or Spotify.