Podcast Summary: The Grounded Union Podcast

Episode: Is There Hope After My Husband’s 16-Year Porn Addiction? (S3E2)

Hosts: Brandon and Caitlin Doerksen
Guests: Katie and Dave
Date: December 19, 2025

Overview

In this raw and moving episode, Brandon and Caitlin Doerksen walk with Katie and Dave, a couple grappling with the aftermath of Dave’s 16-year pornography addiction. The conversation goes far beyond surface-level “sobriety”—diving deep into trauma, shame, honesty, and the pursuit of true intimacy. Through open and vulnerable storytelling, the hosts help the couple (and listeners) see that freedom is possible, but it demands radical, sometimes terrifying honesty with oneself and one's partner. This episode models the Grounded Union approach: get to the root, break out of shame and secrecy, and build reconnection on a new, unshakable foundation.

Key Topics & Insights

1. Where Are We Now? — Setting the Stage

[00:00-06:58]

• Katie and Dave describe being at a breaking point after years of failed attempts (therapy, 12-step groups, betrayal trauma groups).
• The pain: repeated cycles, inability to rebuild trust, increasing resentment, and arguments becoming more painful over time.
• Dave continues to struggle with pornography, even after serious recovery efforts.
• Both express a desperate desire to break the cycle, not give up on the marriage, and are seeking guidance from people who’ve lived it.

Quote:
"We want the same goal...but then the pain and the trust and everything just..." -- Katie [05:58]

2. Understanding the Real Problem: The Root vs the Symptom

[08:06-11:29]

• Brandon and Caitlin stress that porn is a symptom, not the root cause; it’s like plucking a weed without addressing the roots.
• The aim isn’t mere abstinence, but real freedom–where porn and the pain beneath it lose all power.
• Challenge to typical “addiction management”–advocate for a deeper healing.

Quote:
"There will be a day that you live not even thinking about pornography.... Our core message is that you can break free from all of the power that that has over you." -- Brandon [09:45]

3. Dave’s Story: Trauma, Shame, and Development

[11:29-32:17]

• Dave shares early sexual abuse (molested by an older child at age 7-8), explaining the shame, secrecy, and emotional impact.
• Early porn exposure (by friend and by father, who later had an affair).
• Pornography use became a means of emotional regulation, escape, and self-soothing through negative family dynamics and religious shame.
• The cycle: trauma → shame → hiding → compulsive use → more shame.
• Host insight: Explains generational sexual energy, unspoken toxic environments, and lack of healthy conversations about sexuality.

Quote:
"I've always felt that I'm defective in some way, that there's something...wrong with me." -- Dave [18:40]

4. The Impact on Katie: Betrayal & Safety

[32:17-36:58]

• Katie describes the betrayal not being just the porn, but the years of partial truths and withheld information. She bears the brunt of shame, secrecy, and repeatedly having her trust broken.
• She’s weary of being left to carry the pain alone: “I’m exhausted.”
• The “shame spiral” often leaves her feeling blamed or responsible for the lack of connection.

Quote:
"I don't feel like I've ever gotten the truth about anything..." -- Katie [34:14]

5. Honesty vs Denial: What Real Healing Requires

[36:59-40:45]

• Hosts emphasize that no healing is possible without total honesty and disclosure—no more “staggered” or discovery-by-investigation.
• Dave must first want to see and acknowledge the whole truth, including things still hidden from even himself.
• Clarifying that honesty is not just for the marriage, but for the sake of self-authenticity and living without hiddenness.
• Radical, thorough disclosure (from childhood onward) is the "terrifying forest" on the other side of which is true freedom and connection.

Quotes:
"If you believe something's wrong with you, then it's really easy to continue doing wrong things..." -- Brandon [27:49]
"Fully seen and fully known for the first time—it is the greatest gift you will offer your own soul and your marriage." -- Caitlin [48:56]

6. Handling the Debris: The Process of Disclosure

[40:46-56:13]

• Brandon and Caitlin outline their process: daily journal-based review of ALL sexual memories and secrets, shared with one’s spouse.
• Critique of traditional “therapeutic disclosure”: broad-strokes confession and polygraph tests can still hide the truth if one is in denial.
• Dave is encouraged to make his “basket” of 40 years of secrets completely visible, granular, and ugly—so that shame cannot survive in the light.
• Recommend their app and resources for a systematic approach to walking through one’s history (offered as a gift to Dave and Katie).

Quote:
"Everything that you've experienced is a real physical energy and memory stored inside your body. It can be accessed if you want it to be accessed. You are the only one who holds the keys to your memories." -- Caitlin [44:46]

7. Moving from Victimhood to Agency

[51:20-56:37]

• Dave admits to an “emotional affair” (texting ex-girlfriend about marital struggles), prompted by confrontation.
• Caitlin stresses the need for blunt, unvarnished honesty—naming behaviors without sugarcoating or victim-blaming.
• Owning past actions as “something I did, not who I am”—encourages Dave to separate his worth from his behaviors.

Quote:
"You've done some stuff that is dumb, but you are not dumb." -- Caitlin [54:10]

8. Final Steps: A New Foundation for Intimacy

[56:37-69:00]

• Dave and Katie are invited to begin the hard work of nightly, honest sharing—clearing inner “real estate” of shame, debris, and secrecy.
• Emphasis that true intimacy is "into me you see"; any hiddenness makes love and connection impossible.
• Real hope: this isn’t about just “not looking at porn,” but full freedom from unwanted fantasies, the ability to enjoy sex and connection with a clean heart and mind.
• Generational change: healing for oneself becomes a foundation for children, family legacy, and abundant life.

Quote:
"This is you for the first time ever, coming alive because you’ve been living...almost as a ghost within your own body, not fully alive, not vibrant, not here." -- Brandon [61:10]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Root vs Symptom (Weed Metaphor):
  "It’s almost like we’re looking at a weed...what’s sprouting is the pornography, and underneath is actually the root cause..." — Brandon [08:15]

• On Radical Honesty:
  "It’s as simple as you exploring your story with honesty and sharing that truth with your spouse." — Brandon [66:08]

• For Listeners:
  "How has it become controversial to be honest with your spouse? ...All I’m promoting and recommending is radical honesty with the one you’ve unified your soul with." — Brandon [66:57]

Important Timestamps

• [00:00–06:58] — Katie & Dave’s story: years in the struggle, feeling stuck
• [08:06–11:29] — The hosts frame the conversation: roots, not weeds; true freedom possible
• [11:29–18:40] — Dave’s trauma and shame identity
• [32:17–36:58] — Katie’s pain, betrayal, and the impact of dishonesty
• [40:46–44:46] — The necessity of radical, detailed honesty; exposing all secrets
• [51:20–54:10] — Handling victimhood, not hiding behind “how it happened”
• [56:37–69:00] — Laying out the honest, systematic disclosure process; hope for generational change

Tone & Language

The episode is emotionally direct, at times blunt, but always compassionate. Brandon and Caitlin maintain a balance between tough love and encouragement, challenging conventional recovery thinking with their lived experience and relational focus. The conversation with Dave and Katie is warm, empathetic, sometimes intense, but always hope-filled and focused on transformation.

Conclusion

This episode powerfully demonstrates that hope and healing after long-term betrayal and addiction are possible—but only by facing one’s entire story with radical honesty. The process is simple, not easy, and requires both partners’ willingness to step out of shame, secrecy, and victimhood, and into true connection. For listeners who feel stuck in cycles of addiction, betrayal, or hopelessness in their marriage, this episode provides both practical starting points and deep encouragement: real change is possible, and you’re not alone.

For more details about the Grounded Union process and resources, see the links in the show notes or visit the Grounded Union website.