The Grounded Union Podcast
Hosts: Brandon and Caitlyn Doerksen
Episode: Lying About My Addiction for Decades Then Getting Caught
Guests: Chris and Jessica
Date: January 2, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode features a candid, live coaching conversation with Chris and Jessica—a couple just one month into the fallout of Chris’s years-long habit of lying about a hidden pornography and screen addiction. The conversation explores the devastating impact of broken trust, the emotional aftermath for both partners, the roots of addiction, and practical, radical steps toward genuine healing and connection. The hosts, Brandon and Caitlyn, draw on their own transformational marriage journey and coaching experience to challenge the couple (and listeners) to get brutally honest, begin deep inner work, and prioritize real intimacy and radical transparency over denial and surface-level change.

Key Discussion Points

1. The Shocking Unveiling of Addiction

• The confession: After years of suspicion, Jessica confronts Chris, and under pressure from therapy and her direct questions, he finally admits to ongoing pornography use, masturbation, and consuming inappropriate social media content ([00:00]-[02:24], [02:47]-[03:42]).

• Jessica’s devastation: She expresses disbelief and deep pain at the extent of the deception, sharing how Chris’s public identity as someone against pornography made the betrayal harder to accept ([02:47]-[04:36]).

  “He was very good at hiding it. He was very believable...He made it part of his personality to be, like, against things like that. So it was just a lot of, you realize, a lot of lies that were going into hiding something like that.” – Jessica [03:06]

2. The Timeline and Context

• Married since 2019; the truth emerges just after the birth of their third child ([04:36]-[05:17]).
• Chris traces his first exposure to pornography to age five and relates early family chaos and abuse to his coping patterns ([05:43]-[07:17]).
• The frequency of acting out is unclear and currently under self-investigation—Chris admits he’s still not sure of the scope, highlighting the denial that accompanies compulsive behaviors ([07:17]-[09:31]).

3. The Pattern of Deception & Minimization

• The hosts emphasize how someone newly out of hiding often can’t see the full scope or patterns yet. Denial, self-minimization, and ‘tip of the iceberg’ awareness are normal but must be replaced with radical curiosity ([09:31]-[12:26]).

• Chris is encouraged to “stay open” and allow uncomfortable truths to surface, both for his own healing and for Jessica’s sense of safety. The wound isn’t just secrecy, but self-betrayal and self-blindness.

  “If you did see clearly, you would have come clean a long time prior...don’t assume anything right now. Be incredibly curious as to how big of a place this occupied in your life. Cause it’s probably bigger than you can perceive right now.” – Host [08:42]

4. Tracing the Origins and Patterns of Addiction

• Chris’s ‘acting out’ tends to happen when he’s away—at work, in the bathroom—repeating childlike strategies of escape ([12:26]-[15:36]).

• Casual social media use morphs into seeking out sexualized content; the cycle is tied to dysregulation, loneliness, or stress ([15:36]-[17:37]).

• The hosts urge Chris to get curious, not ashamed—to look for the innocent needs behind his unwanted behaviors (connection, wholeness, relief) rather than demonize himself.

  “Your soul’s not crying out for porn or women in bikinis...It’s actually a very innocent, pure desire to feel whole, to feel alive, to feel connected.” – Host [18:15]

5. Jessica’s Reality, Doubt, and Pain

• Jessica feels stuck, her sense of reality shattered; if not for their newborn, she questions whether she’d have stayed ([21:18]-[22:32]).

• The betrayal is heightened by how much Chris built his identity (even publicly) around values he secretly broke.

• She describes the pain of realizing a “lot of my life was just lived based on a lie.”

  “It feels like a lot of my life was just lived based on a lie.” – Jessica [22:32]

6. Radical Steps Towards Healing

• Total screen detox: Chris describes his efforts to delete social media, lock down devices, and dramatically reduce screen time ([24:48]-[26:33]).

• The hosts issue a clear challenge: get rid of all unnecessary screens, including family TV, for a minimum of 30–45 days. Replace noise and distraction with connection, family activities, silence, and self-reflection ([26:33]-[33:44]).

• The purpose isn’t just to limit access, but to “fill in” life with real presence, journaling, and relationship-building.

  “If you felt alive, vibrant, whole, like you loved and enjoyed your life, you wouldn't have ever turned to pornography, right?... Quieting the noise in the house. Your entire family is going to upgrade and heal from this.” – Brandon [27:58]

7. Self-Image and Responsibility

• Chris candidly shares his self-loathing and fear of repeating his father’s toxic patterns ([33:44]-[35:20]).

• Hosts reframe responsibility: The pain Jessica feels is his fault, and it’s now his responsibility to break generational cycles and become someone new.

• The past doesn't define the potential for newness; action, not apology, rebuilds trust.

  “It's your fault that you Hurt your wife. It's your responsibility to help your wife heal... This ends here, this, this way in my DNA. I'm going to actually create health and vitality in a connected relationship by looking at everything that was taking away from that.” – Host [36:18]

8. A Fork in the Road: The Call to All-In Healing

• The episode culminates with a stark choice: superficial effort (and likely marital failure) or making healing the #1 priority, pausing everything else for a season ([40:11]-[44:58]).

• The hosts challenge both partners: Chris, do the deep, messy, all-in work for your future—not for external affirmation; Jessica, give yourself permission to feel and grieve fully.

• Practical frameworks and resources (Grounded Intimacy program, "four Rs" process for rewiring thoughts/actions) are referenced as essential tools for both.

  “Nobody’s going to tell you: Hey, Chris, you should think these positive things—this is your time...You’re going to either lose everything or reinvent yourself and build something amazing.” – Host [39:44]

  “Make this your number one priority. Everything else pauses...You’re gonna see yourself clearly. You’re gonna share the truth with honesty to your wife. You’re gonna rewire it all through the four R's, and you’re gonna heal. You will make it to the other side. Even if you’ve lived a life of addiction and lying all the way up until now. You can heal and rewire your brain if you want to.” – Brandon [43:11]

9. Final Encouragements on Presence and Process

• Chris is urged to become the “healing agent” for Jessica by receiving her pain with openness, patience, and humility.

• Jessica is “given permission” to loop, question, cry, and feel for as long as needed, with the Grounded Intimacy program offering resources for betrayed spouses.

• Healing and trust will manifest through new actions and transparency, not repeated reassurances.

  “Jessica, feel free to feel and process your emotion...giving yourself permission to ask, to question, and to feel is your gift that you give to yourself in this healing process.” – Host [44:58]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Chris on first confession:

  “My wife was asking me some questions…those questions were very hard to answer, but the truth came out, and so now we’re just on the path to heal and figure out those things.” [00:06]

• Jessica’s devastation:

  “It was almost like. It felt like he was still lying, almost. Because it was so hard to believe that he was, like, saying those words to me.” [02:52]

• On clarity and denial:

  “Be incredibly curious as to how big of a place this occupied in your life. Cause it’s probably bigger than you can perceive right now. And that’s okay...this was destroying me, and it was destroying my marriage, and I’m ready to see clearly.” [08:39]

• Jessica’s uncertainty about staying:

  “If we didn’t have a newborn, I don’t think I would still be here...It was such—I feel like I married someone I don’t know.” [21:27]

• On breaking the cycle:

  “It’s your fault that you Hurt your wife. It’s your responsibility to help your wife heal. It was your daddy’s fault for doing a shitty job raising you...this ends here, this, this way in my DNA.” [36:18]

• Chris on self-image:

  “The self talk...was really rough. Like, just. You’re an idiot. Like, why did you lie to your wife for so long? ...I have tried to be different than the way I was raised.” [33:52]

• On action, not words, for rebuilding trust:

  “Trust comes naturally. As you heal, you won’t have to try to, like, do you trust me, babe? …more, let’s remove that as the goal right now. Trust is built off of actions seen, not words spoken.” [32:44]

Important Timestamps

• 00:00-00:53 – Chris’s initial confession and context
• 02:42-04:36 – Jessica’s reaction, history of conversations, shock at discovery
• 05:21-07:17 – Chris’s childhood exposure, tracing addiction’s roots
• 09:31-12:26 – Discussion on denial and insight after coming out of secrecy
• 14:18-15:36 – Patterns of acting out, connection to workplace and being “away”
• 17:37-19:23 – Hosts on longing for connection and innocence behind behaviors
• 21:18-22:40 – Jessica describing her struggle with staying and her heartbreak
• 24:48-27:03 – Radical steps: device and screen detox
• 33:44-35:22 – Chris’s self-image, repeating generational patterns
• 36:18-39:44 – Reframing responsibility, healing as breaking generational cycles
• 40:11-44:58 – The two paths: making healing the top priority, action steps
• 44:58-end – Encouragement to both, permission to feel, processing next steps

Conclusion

This episode is a raw, honest look at what it takes to face years of deception in marriage: the pain, the uncertainty, the initial fog of self-denial, but also the opportunity for deep healing and lasting change. Through practical recommendations, emotional wisdom, and firsthand experience, Brandon and Caitlyn invite not only Chris and Jessica, but all couples in similar circumstances, to radical honesty, total commitment to the healing process, and confidence that real love and connection are possible on the other side.